#im tired of ppl saying i wont take meds

[rainbowgothdisaster]

i cant keep rawdogging this shit ion even care if its experimental they are fucking injecting me with antidepressants or were gunna have problems

[lullabiesofalovesickangel]

i feel like all of my friends hate me, that no matter what i do i will always be the annoying one or the one that ppl want to make go away

i feel like everyone around me just wants me to suffer bcuz i dont do anything to help

i feel like a burden && no amount of reassurance rlly stops those thoughts when i get like this, bcuz ik that theres ppl that see me as a burden && wont tell me. ppl just lie to me ab all of this stuff

i feel like it would be so much easier for those around me if i just stopped being around bcuz i wouldnt be another mouth to feed, i wouldnt be taking so much && not being able to give back even if im unable to get a job

i feel like ppl will always see me as the annoying one that they hate sm but wont say they do bcuz they dont want to deal w me more than what they alr do

i dont believe ppl actually love me unless i can provide smth in turn && im struggling to do anything for myself let alone take care of pets too. i feel like if im not smth to use, or a stupid fucking doll or toy, then im worthless. if im not useful im not wanted

i rlly want it all to stop, sometimes it feels like i rlly would be better off dead so everyone else wouldnt have to deal w me && so they could freely talk shit ab me w/o me knowing that there's resentment ab me

im tired of living but if i even bring it up to others in the house, i have to console them or feel like i have no choice but to admit myself somewhere like thats actually going to help

i rlly am good for nothing when i cant do anything or provide money for a household that took me in, i just cause issues && make it ab me

im a shit person && ik that but idk how to combat that, i want to be perfect but it feels like i will always be reaching bcuz my best is always less than

i hate living but i also feel so guilty for feeling the way i do bcuz ik i have someone that loves me so much more than my brain will tell me but it feels like im failing them bcuz theyre going thru things && it's being ab me again

im not trying to make it ab me either bcuz i want them to be able to focus on themselves i just dont have anywhere to turn to bcuz im half expecting to not be put on meds or they not help the second i get them

&& ik some ppl will see how i feel && tell me im just guilt tripping && manipulating ppl around me so they have to feel bad for me && that just makes it sm worse, bcuz then i have to deal w the guilt that the way i can get my emotions out on smth personal is just me being an abusive asshole regardless of my struggles

idk what to do anymore

[sixthemeowmeowidk]

I know u left but do you have another account I could follow for your art? Because I really like it

hey thank you for asking! I just wanna say sorry to all my mutuals who saw me leave all of a sudden i pretty much packed my bags overnight and left zero traces in the morning. im gonna yap for a bit for the ppl who followed me n wonder where ive been (tldr at the end)

if any if my moots are wondering why i left/where i been i was really tired of having to keep a online persona up and basically like i was jst tired of drawing to post, it didnt rlly feel like my art was reaching or basically i felt like i didnt rlly matter and drew for like a stick of gum as payment.

my plan was to only leave for a week but then i had like the greatest time not giving af in that week so i extended it to months and now idek if i wanna go back coz it feel so awesome to take it slow and to draw for yourself.

as for where ive been n other accs i had a twt and insta but i deactivated basically ALL my social media for art and im jst chilling on my irl acc instagram and discord, i didnt really think any of my moots would rlly care so i didnt tell anyone other then my closer moots who talk 2me on discord

i do check some of my social meds from TTT and check on my moots sometimes

Will i ever go back to twitter? Fuck no fuck elon musk he made that app ASS

Will i ever go back to posting? Dont know

When do i plan to return from my break? I was planning to go back on august but now its august so november but then like 2 days ago i was like damn maybe next year so tbh idk 😭🙏

idk why i feel like i cant go back till my art looks fire ash or else its embarrassing and also till im like mentally prepared to take social media on again i wasnt rlly that popular but it was still tiring

TLDR: all my art accs are deactivated so sorry you wont find any of my other artworks and i left coz i gotta get a life and shit yk

also tysm im glad u like my art it means so much to me that people are enjoying my more older works! It really does

[muzdiir]

im so angry mostly at myself

i made the mistake of going out w my mother 2 wks ago on a whim bc i wanted to get out of the house & i figured i was in a  good head space to deal with her bullshit. so i go out w her to the shoe store & the entire time, she’s stumbling around like a drunk, can’t finish any of her sentences/thoughts, slurring her words & just generally being obnoxious. i start thinking maybe she accidentally doubled up on her meds (it’s happened before) & that’s why she’s so blitzed.

we leave & then go for a drive. the whole time, she keeps speaking absolute gibberish. again, just incomplete thoughts. numerous times she sounded like she was sleep talking. she at one point mentions that she’s been “seeing her brothers & sisters” randomly--she saw her sister (who is deceased) in the kitchen & then had a full conversation with her??? & i’m like, uhh pls tell ur doctor this!

& then finally she tells me she had an edible before we left, and honestly this explains SO MUCH. like, of course this is how she reacts high. she’s complained to me before about how her dr wont prescribe her medical marijuana, supposedly bc the hospital he’s associated w is too christian for that. except the hospital is leading research in the state about the benefits of med pot over opiates so that seems fake lmao. prob more likely the dr knows what meds mom is taking & is like “u kno, those mixed is prob not a great idea lol”

ANYWAY the point is that my mom rly pissed me off. she knows i don’t like being around ppl who are high/drunk, & yet she did it anyway! afterwards, she starts in on her “i apologize” bullshit & asks me if i’m mad & before i can even respond, she hits me w “pls dont be mad” like THE FUCK DO U WANT ME TO SAY

i havent rly spoken to her since & ive made the choice to never go out with her again BUT BOY HOWDY does she know just how to corner me. i just got home from an appt & before i slink away, she comes up & asks, in her most “well, maybe, if you’re feeling like it” 👉👈 😳 way, if i can take her out to the store some time next week

& im not ready to respond to this, which she knows, which is why she asked me then. all i can say is “i’ll think about it” & I’M SO FCKN ANGRY AT MYSELF BC I JUST WANT TO SAY NO BUT HERE I AM, STILL GIVING HER WISHYWASHY ANSWERS BC I CAN’T SAY NO TO HER. im angry that she puts me in these positions & angry bc its so hard to stick to my guns

im so fckn tired & angry

[tendercoretroglodyke]

very VERY sleepy today. so much for getting started on that paper due thursday :/

[figuringouthowtobehere]

please dont reblog this

i dont have many ppl to talk to. so here i am, screaming into the void that is my tumblr again.

im mostly posting this because im alone. im really really fucking alone. and im hoping i might, idfk, make a solid, trustable connection from tumblr??? idfk. im alone in the world.

please dont reblog this

cw family issues, su*cidality, abandonment, abuse, childhood abuse, trauma, being alone in the world

i have no one to go to. my entire life since i was a baby all ive ever been able to do is survive at the skin of my teeth. and here i am, 20, breathing, trying so fucking hard to live and, idk if im succeeding. im doing my film shit which is cool but. im alone. im on my own. im alone in the world. i never had parents. like, obviously i had parents, but they were never parents, dyou know what i mean? like the people who genetically made me were around but they were abusing me or just being awful or refusing to listen to me about what i needed from them, from their parenthood. 

i had a conversation with my mom yesterday (after two days of not being able to get a hold of her and really really needing to) and i was basically just like ‘why cant you be my mom’ and she was like ‘i am your mom’ and i was like ‘well, yeah, but youre not--you cant--you dont mother me. and you dont mother me in the ways i need you to.’ and she was like ‘what does that look like to you?’ and i said ‘someone who i can turn to, always, someone who has my back no matter what, someone who respects me and what i need and who listens to me and trusts my experience and, yeah, someone who i can turn to always’ and she said ‘i mean i can talk with you on the phone, i can tell you what i think you should do, i can try to give you advice from my experience, but as far as someone having your back 24/7 always, i cant do that’ and we ended up talking about how im an adult now - and she was talking about it in the sense of ‘youre a grown man now, you dont need your mom like that anymore’ - and im like ‘ya, i am basically a grown man but i still need my mom. i still need parents.’ and i think im gonna end up cutting contact with her again because its too hard to simultaneously grieve her not being the mom i need and also talk to her. if im not talking to her then i can deal with the idea that i dont have a mother, that i dont have parents and i probably never will.

ive never really had people. i never really had friends when i was a child and i dont really have friends now. maybe its cause im trans, maybe its cause im autistic, maybe its cause im mixed, i dont know, but generally people in the world dont like me or it takes them a long time to not hate me. it doesnt matter why right now the point is i never had people (like, a support system) and i dont now. 

so yeah im pretty seriously thinking about killing myself (or, trying to anyway). i dont wanna die but ive spent my whole life trying to just. be a person. and find contentment. and everything in my life ends up going awful or causing me a lot of trouble at some point or another. ive come to expect it. whenever anything happens in my life im just like ‘when will this go wrong. how long will it take this time.’ and im alone. im just fucking on my own. and i know theres lots of people who are and have been more alone than i am/have been and i admire these people so fucking much like GO YOU!! YOUFUCKING DID IT!!! HELL YEAH! im so proud of u. for real, i have so much respect for all yall reading this who have made it through shit and made it through being alone in the world. you fucking got this. youre doing it. good fucking job!!!!! ✨ but then. idk ig it doesnt take away from this being incredibly fucking difficult for me. pretty much everything in my life was fucked from birth to age 18 and now over half of everything in my life is fucked. which is better, for sure, but its still. ive never had a chance. idk it just seems to me like it doesnt matter. i can try and try and do all the therapies and take all the psych meds a psychiatrist might give me and i can meditate all the time. it just seems like im Doomed. (WOW i sound dumb and childish) like ik logically this is probably incorrect, that im not actually just.. doomed but thats how it feels. whenever a good thing happens im just waiting for it to collapse on me. and usually it does in way or another. generally not because of anything ive done or havent done, it just ends up being shit.

and then. ive never had anyone. i dont have anyone. im alone in the world. like its not that im ignoring people i do have or choosing to omit them from my mind right now. i have a singular friend in the place where i live; my other two friends both live in the states. i live with someone who was a support for me until like last ... july or so, i think, who now makes me feel like shit (they arent being malicious its just a bunch of issues in our relationship. theres more on that in stuff ive posted before, if you feel like digging through my posts for a while go ahead and youll find more on that) and i have like 5% (out of 100%) trust for them. i have a therapist who i see once a week and ik shes invested in me, but thats her job. and i cant just call her whenever i want. i have several people for film stuff but theyre either just casual pals and then colleagues or just colleagues. i know a lot of people, who dont really show any investment in me as a person or their relationship with me and who i dont really click well with. and thats it. 

and im so. im so in love with Film. all of it. (not The Film Industry obviously.) im so fucking in love with it. the only real concrete reason that i wont end up killing myself in the next like month or two is because Film. and i just. need. people. i need parents. or something. fuck.

i think part of this is probably the long-term ramifications of ongoing childhood sexual, physical, and psychological abuse and never really having good, consistent support cause id be surprised if that didnt fuck with my brain (and, yk, untreated severe childhood brain damage from tbis beginning at less than a year old). but it doesnt really matter does it. ive been through the shit time and again and its not like anyone has appeared and been like ‘hello, i see you never had parents, this is who i am, would you like to get to know each other for a while and maybe i could be your mom?’ cause thats literally what i need. i need parents. like i know theres a thing of ‘if you didnt have parents then you cant undo that damage’ but like idk. if someone has a bunch of unhealed broken bones that got broken years ago that are now causing them a lot of pain you wouldnt just be like ‘sorry, i see youre in trouble from this shit, but because it happened years ago theres nothing we can do’ cause there is??? i forget how i was gonna say this before but like. i didnt have parents. with the ‘parents’ i had its a scientific anomaly i lived past age three. i refuse to believe that having Good Parents and a Good Support System now would do nothing for me. cause it would. 

im also facing impending homelessness due to a) welfare/disability programs not giving you enough to live off and b) not having a roommate/not having support systems/not having people. so that doesnt help.

i dont know how to do this. im on my own. im doing all i can. ive reached out to everyone i feel like i could reach out to and. im on my own.

help. i guess. idk what that means but im, once again, at an incredibly fucking AWFUL point in my life and i need help. i doubt anyone will be able to but. if youre able to then. idk. do something. ik that i sound desperate and pitiful and i literally dont care at all because i literally am desperate for support and i literally am at - ANOTHER - extremely low point in my life and its pitiful. im cringing at myself actually posting this because its like ‘you think youre actually find what you need via a tumblr post? where are you? cause thats not real life dude’ but i dont fucking have people to talk to (as you have already understood 🙃) and im tired and tired and tired and tired.

if you took the time to read this i thank you and i hope ur day is going vvv well

please dont reblog this!!

[gayspock]

dont rb, ok.......

body image issues started spiking again and i dont know why i fucking do this to myself but im now having a fucking panic attack bc the meds i was prescribed YET AGAIN have weight gain as a side effect and now im reading all these threads of ppl talking about how much they gained & how it fucks up your metabolism and im fucking crying a little man im just so tired........ ive been restricting again and im jsut so fucking tired, man, because i swear to god its fucking unfair as hell i cant go over 1200 cals a day without gaining and i dont want to cut back more because im tired and sad and fucking miserable and im also just mad fucking bitter about it all because ive had a few Remarks lately again tht have just made me so fucking . h. hhhhh!!!! i fucking hate it all and i fucking hate my stupid body sometimes and im so tired and sad of how hard it is sometimes and how unfair it is that some ppl can just fucking Eat and its fine but this stupid shit fucking grabs me by the throat, and im so fucking terrified im fucking having a stupid fucking panic attack abt taking this shit and its stupid its stupid as fucking hell and i hate how thats the same with everything i hate how taxing every single fucking facet of life is , how fucking exhausting it is and how hard it is to try at it , how its hard to fucking get up and to eat and to do anything and everything nevermind anything else and  how its all that and yet All does not even reach the bare fucking minimum and how i dont even want to fucking live, theres nothing i want, and im alone! also!  and so why am i just fucking exhausting myself and forcing myself to be fucking miserable like this and its jsut back it circles BACK TO THAT bullshit back in the end and im so tired and im so so tired all the time and god god god

and like i said these stupid meds apparently make you sleepy too and i dont fucking WANT that i tried telling them  that too but he keeps prescriving shit that should “help with my sleep!” and i keep trying to explain dude, that makes it woooorse. it makes it so, so fucking worse and i hate having a head filled with fucking cotton wool and i already feel like im so drained, i cant cant deal with even more  but the doctor wont fucking listen to me, bc i cant even talk like im like. a big old r word or whatever so i cant fucking speak properly any more and its just so upsetting and frustrating and distressing at this point like.  i just wish i could explain myself and that they would listen  and take me seriously but its just horrible its just horrible fucking destructive appointments that just get me prescribed shit i dont fucking want to take and i just have a whole load of different medications ive never taken all hoarded under my bed now because of this bullshit and its like   i know! i know! i know should fucking toss it before i have a little meltdown and do some dumb fucking shit like take it all at once and see what the fuck happens but no i hoard it because i cant fucking let go of the fucking . impulse the fucking fleeting fantasy that i can cough em all down and just drop dead which is DUMB and thats hte irrational part because its like. you silly cunt thay will help NO ONE and yet im so fucking ... screwed up in the head, i even try to invest time and planning into the Actual Plan and i jsut fucking cant i just want something quick and stupid and i dont want to try even at that and i just. and its like i GUESS and i jsut. GOD whatever , and i just want to try and text them and say i dont fucking want this any more, i dont want to seek treatment becuase its just not helpful. none of it is - it all just makes it a tenfold fucking worse, and its not getting anywhere, it never has and it simply cant man because it cant fuckign fix anything! and i just... i dont know im just so tir ed of having to fucking . repeatedly fucking think about how hopeless it all is i jsut wish i was gone or whatever </3

[dead-thorin]

everything im gonna write is gonna be concerning but it be like that and its really not concerning

for like months now i haven’t been ok. And like it’s gotten worse with the holidays and ive been so fucking angry and tired lol. like at first i was like its fine its ok, then i was like its the hormones it happens, then its the stress of finals and work but like its really not like i legit just dont want to be alive anymore im really tired of it. Like idk how to convey just how much i dont care anymore to be alive

1) I feel so fucking isolated here like i have friends but a majority of them are cis. And like the trans people i know? most of them on T are non binary which like valid, but they dont get the full extent. And like their families support them lmao and theres one person i could talk to but he doesnt seem to want to socialize much so i always feel awful thinking about hitting him up

and like i feel like my friends dont like me and i know thats not the case but also maybe it is!!! who fucking knows anymore!!!! i dont have time to talk to them bc im so busy at work and then i get home and immediately have to do more work and by the time im free this week theyll be home for break so like!!! fuck i guess!!! i saw one of my friends who i havent been able to see all semester and she said shed hit me up today and she hasnt and i know its cause she and another friend have to study and theyve been busy but in my mind its still “she fucking hates u!!! doesnt matter that she was so excited to see u and would definitely have no qualms in telling u to fuck off she hates u!!!”

2) no one listens to me lol like people listen to me when i rant, which is really helpful and i really appreciate and love that they do that bc emotional labor, but like in groups? i talk and people interrupt or dont hear what i say or disregard it and im like k. OR THEY THINK IM FUCKING JOKING LIKE THIS LEGIT IS SUCH A PROBLEM AND IVE HAD IT HAPPEN WITH SEVERAL PPL AND IDK WHAT TO DO. Like i physically say “im really not joking dont do that” AND THEY STILL THINK IM JOKING

and whenever i talk to people and they give me advice or just listen they do at least one thing. They either mention medicine, which again, valid, but i dont want to go back on medicine right now. But then they fucking push that shit and demand reasons why i dont want to like fuck u i dont have to explain shit to u i just dont want to. And/or it turns into me educating them and im just like great! i managed to do labor in this trying time! nice!

3) I cant talk to my therapist bc shell become concerned lol. i told her how i went to the labor looking for a book about the pros and cons of committing suicide and researched it and i had to talk for 10 minutes afterwards about the steps i was taking to help combat it but like i was legit scared to tell her in case she made me go into inpatient care lmao and this brings me to pt 4

4) theres like nothing here LMAOOOOOOO like no books at either library about stopping suicidal thoughts or helping depression or about family estrangement. I had to order books from different libraries to get something and theres a few that i got from the Libby app but like wtf lmao and theres no events during christmas and every volunteer thing? either i gotta fill out an application and do training which who knows how long thatll take or i need a car. Like there legit isnt anything here i did so much looking lmao like i have my hobbies but that wont make me leave the house

i talked to a professor about this shit too and he understands and stuff and told me to hit him up during break if i feel isolated but like I FEEL SO FUCKING GUILTY FOR EVEN BREATHING LMAO LIKE WHAT hes got shit to do too and i know he has research going on so like doubt it

5) im gonna die alone at this pt and i know thats mad dramatic and also probably false but im like so conflicted about everything i feel with my gender and dating

like every time i like a man im like wow if i was a girl, this wouldnt be a problem and like being cis has more privileges than being trans but i know last time i dated in the closet it wasnt a good time SO

and every time i like a girl, im like she prob wont see me as a man or will be disappointed in my body or transition

and like no matter who im interested in, the same thought is always “they prob dont see me as a man and will misgender me, even unintentionally” like i know people who dont even know my birth name and have known my pronouns as he/him AND THEY STILL GET IT WRONG LIKE WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO EVEN DO ANYMORE TATTOO IT ON MY FUCKING FOREHEAD 

theres a guy i currently like, whos so sweet like theres one incident that happened that i had me thinking damn.... hope hes into guys and single..... and like its kept me up thinking “oh man hes definitely str8 this fucking sucks if i was a girl i would probably have a shot” but like every time i toy with the idea of detransitioning (not in a serious way, but just like casually thinking of a scenario) my mind physically rejects it and is like “motherfucking do u wanna go back to THOSE shitty feelings??? really??? it was worse before!!” and i will definitely get over this crush, like im just lonely and its cuffing season, but it fucking sucks in the meantime like i feel like i cant date because im too nervous and scared to!!! im so scared they wont think im a man and i know thats not every person but like Jesus its enough that its a good possibility

6) this part is sad but i think i have to stop talking to my sister or at least give her limited info bc shes having her parents contact me through her and im not giving them shit so...

like she just texted asking when id be home and for the millionth time (BC NO ONE LISTENS TO ME) i said i wasnt going home, im never going home, stop asking and i know that its them asking her to ask me and they can honestly fuck themselves

like these are all problems that have solutions and i know the solutions but like im so tired of it lol im tired of having to deal with my family situation, im tired of being ignored and interrupted and not taken serious and having to explain my boundaries over and over and over again, im tired of not being able to talk to people for fear of getting hospitalized or interrupted or pushed onto meds, im tired of not having resources, im so tired of it all. Im so sick of being suicidal and not even being able to get out of bed and having to deal with being depressed and anxious and chronically ill fuck all of it

legitimately had to make a list of shit i could do over break so that i feel like i cant hurt myself until i finish it bc thats how my shit brain works. like i dont want to die but i also just dont want to deal with this anymore and i know itll get better in time but jesus fucking christ its been 8 damn years when does it actually get fully fucking good? its gotten better but more shit keeps coming up like yea i started hormones but now i dont have a fucking family anymore. 

Even if i didnt have this list i wouldnt do it bc 1) i dont want to do that to my closest friend and 2) im helping someone get out of an abusive situation. She has like no support, just one cousin whos there for her, but he doesnt have resources for her. Ive been listening to her and validating her and making sure she knows that a) this is the type of shit abusers do and b) shes not fucking crazy for thinking certain things!!! she really isnt and i get it so much so ive been gently giving her contacts from the beginning to help her and she finally left and is in a really delicate place. So like not exactly the best thing for me to suddenly be gone and id feel terrible if she had no one there for her

anyway this was a long post that can basically be summed up as i really want to fucking kill myself but i wont but also im suffering a lot

[littlebabycrybtch]

ok ik bitches are still going to complain but i gotta rant to keep my shit together;;; ngl after being stuck co-raising two babies now i really feel genuinely Disgusted by unnecessary parent critique. like it actually makes me feel so viscerally upset and depressed when i remember nobody gets this or cares to and probably just wants to call out what im doing wrong, instead of lend me a hand to do it better. man im not treading lightly here the ‘no excuses’ mentality is literally Inhumane to parents and dehumanizes them as these superhumans, they arent, they are people trying to take care of themselves Plus One. there Are ‘excuses’ for not being perfect. just bc every child deserves perfect doesnt mean it can be given and that fucking SUCKS but that is one of the only times im comfortable saying; ‘thats just life’. you cant magically make life better for kids the way you think, you’re not a protector, you’re their Rock to teach them How to DEAL with what life brings, that means you’re allowed to struggle with it too. childcare is like this cosmic design to work you physically and mentally to the brink, fucking forget the normalization of how many people you think you’ve seen raise kids and done fine, it is harder than you can even fathom. they probably did not do fine behind closed doors. the parents with the best behaved and most obedient kids probably did harmful things to make them that way that will eventually come back to them, the parents with the happiest most well adjusted kids probably had the money to provide the extra care for that. there are ‘excuses’. idc if it fucking annoys you or w/e, i dont like being the bitch that says stuff nobody wants to hear, but you truly deeply cannot 100% understand unless you are raising kids, i dont say that to hurt your feewings or exclude you, i used to think that way, i say it bc when you see me passed out on the couch while my nephew gets into something dangerous, its because i got one hour of sleep that night while he kicked me in our bed for 4 hours. he cant help not knowing how that affects both of us, but i cant help being affected by it just cuz im supposed to be ~the big strong adult~, bc i am not a fucking xman. i CANT pretend it all away. while im sitting there napping im also waiting for my mental health meds to start working. im also dizzy from not eating. it sucks that he gets into shit sometimes. hes still gonna get into shit sometimes, and i can do my best, but if i sit here worrying that karens are gonna get pissed abt that and work myself even harder im gonna straight up explode. who does that help. who does me falling apart help. come babysit my kid for free if you wanna help me bitch!

parents are doing twice the work of a normal person while also teaching one of these people theyre caring for, how to BE a person. i used to be SO pro judging parents and im literally nauseated by the judgments now. “i cant believe this parent looked away and their kid got hurt, i cant beleive they just leave them there with a tablet or a snack or a toy while they nap, i cant believe they let them do that, i cant believe--” btich you literally have no idea how lucky you are that they are not both already dead. you are so lucky tehy are both alive and the parent isnt hospitalized for mental health or even physical exhaustion, or addicted to a stimulant (which includes caffeine), or using smth to relax like weed or alcohol (hello wine mom culture), or the kid isnt traumatized from watching their parent have repeatd breakdowns. that is literally better than most situations already. no matter how impossibly perfect the family could be in your mind, kids fuckin get hurt and they make mistakes and the PARENTS make mistakes bc theyre PEOPLE and yall this blows my mind that ppl dont realize this but,,,,, Little kids??? THEY DO NOT LISTEN TO THEIR PARENTS bc they essentially CANT..... for like YEARS there is a period they WILL NOT LISTEN TO YOU at ALL while they have the full autonomy and smarts and strength to cause horrible consequential problems, they are capable of learning how to circumnavigate your ‘babyproofing’ in new ways every single day, but they have ZEROOOOO MORALS OR CAUSE AND EFFECT SKILLS to understand RIGHT FROM WRONG, NO MATTER HOW OFTEN YOU TELL THEM!!!!! IT WONT CHANGE, ITS LITERALLY A PHYSICAL BRAIN THING THAT THEY CANT LEARN WHAT ‘NO’ MEANS FOR A WHILE YET!!! THIS CAN LAST FROM AGE 1 TO 4, SOMETIMES LONGER! THATS GENUINELY INSANITY INDUCING FOR THE ADULT WHOS KEEPING THEM IN LINE HUNDREDS OF TIMES A DAY, KNOWING ITS AMOUNTING TO ALMOST NOTHING UNTIL YEARS LATER!!!! IT DOESNT HELP WHEN PPL JUDGE YOU AND DONT BELEIVE YOU AND THINK YOU JUST ARENT ~TRYING HARD ENOUGH~! holy FUCK dude, idc if you wanna judge, im losing it bc i am being forced to keep my cool while a child whos pinching me and genuinely HURTING and BRUISING me laughs in my face bc he truly DOES NOT KNOW this, and there is NO WAY for me to convey it to make him stop at the moment!!!! thats maddening!!!

listen to me, neither of you dying or experiencing lasting damage is literally the goal every day, not just ‘raising them’, but that you both survive to the end of it. im appalled by how different the lifestyle is and the way ppl just... dont know that/REJECT that information so they get to judge. ofc tiny vulnerable innocent kids deserve the best, parents cannot always provide that if they want to Survive, bc they also deserve , basic understanding and humanity. you call out abuse all you want, theres a difference between the 'lesser of two evils’ choices, or even the genuinely Bad choices you can Accidentally make when at your wits end (which you should immediately correct anyways), and ever causing intentional physical or mental harm to the child, but the secodn yall start nitpicking or blatantly being ignorant to a struggle just so you get your blame validation in i literally cannot AFFORD to give you the time of day, im busy running on minutes of sleep, so if you think i have enough free time to entertain ur whining that my kids got a messy face and has been on his tablet in a highchair for an hour or w/e, idc, im using that time to shower for the first time in 2 weeks bc nobody else is gonna be there for me to let me do that shit :) so frankly put your money where your mouth is and help struggling parents whenever you can. i cant make shit better out of thin air.

“oh, but i dont have the money to help you.” YOU THINK IM AFFORDING CHILDCARE?? YOU CAN COME OVER AND HELP DIRECTLY WHILE I DO CHORES. “oh, but i dont wanna babysit for my friends, i dont like kids.” OH REALLY?????? OH YOU DONT LIKE KIDS??? BC THEYRE DIFFICULT MAYBE ??? SO MAYBE YOU SHOULDNT JUDGE WHEN ITS HARD THEN????? LIKE YOU RLY THINK JUST ‘LIKING THEM’ SUDDENLY MAKES IT EASY FOR ME?? YOU THINK ME FINDING MY NEPHEW CUTE AND LOVING HIM AND HIS LAUGHTER GIVES ME FUCKING SUPERMAN POWERS TO DEAL WITH THIS???????? “but You chose to have kids” rt in my case i literally didnt and would be homeless if not offering to help care for them but HEY COOL CONCEPT PRO CHOICE KINDA FUCKIN INCLUDES WHEN PEOPLE ‘CHOOSE’ TO HAVE KIDS EVEN WHEN THEY STRUGGLE AFTER, TOO LATE TO FUCKIN COMPLAIN NOW, JUST HELP A BITCH OUT. LIke... bro BRO b R O im losing it stop giving parents the inspiration porn treatment while disrespecting the actual struggles they go thru any time the child actually suffers bc they are unable to shield them from their struggle. can i be real, life literally will not go without struggle. you cannot raise them to have a life better than what the world is, you can do your best but you really cant MAKE it fair. once again this is not a ‘raise the perfect child’ contest you are just . trying to raise them at all. its messy. every single day you will have successes and failures, and you’ll be running on empty, and you’ll be doing that just to make it through to do it again tomorrow, while it slowly (AGONIZINGLY SLOWLY) gets easier each day. im tired of pretending lmao i dont wanna hear you bitches judge parents anymore, i dont wanna hear the stupid ass ‘im allowed to’ shit anymore dude!!!!! for gods sake i can agree with you when some shits just plain wrong but ill never apologize for standing up for myself or other struggling parents even if it makes you uncomfy, i can care about Both the child and the parent at the same time, ig i wont ask you why you seemingly cant. 😶 ESPECIALLY when things like classism and ableism tie in so often with these situations. not to mention racism like im white but hoooo if i hear one more story about a black parents ‘negligence’ in efforts of just trying to help their family, like leaving their kids somewhere during a job interview or w/e, vs the white parents that LET THEIR 10 YR OLDS WANDER AROUND MALLS BY THEMSELVES... im gonna scream. im gonna fuckin scream. its so unfair. fuck off, stop the spiteful ignorance, change this shitty hateful culture.

tldr; you Can care about kids while respecting parents, even when they arent perfect. you can advocate for children while also advocating for parents, and in fact, you should fucking try.

[theirtheretheyre]

I KNOWWW!!! "TWENTY MINUTES" GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE WITH THAT BULLSHIT I TAKE MY MEDS AND IN AN HOUR OR SO I CAN BARELY STAND UP IM SO FUCKING TIRED BUT IT STILL TAKES OVER AN HOUR!!!!! 75 MINUTES IF IM LUCKY(WHICH I AM NOT) PPL SAY OH JUST LAY DOWN AND CLOSE UR EYES YOULL FALL ASLEEP SOON HAHA :) NO I FUCKING WONT!!! FOR YEARS I THOUGHT "FALLING ASLEEP AS SOON AS YOUR HEAD HITS THE PILLOW" WAS AN EXAGERATION! IT SOUNDS SO ABSURD! SURELY THAT IS LITERALLY IMPOSSIBLE? NOT TRUE! RIGHT??? NO

oh. oh I am going to THROW something

[midnightminx90]

I'm just so tired of being tired and not eating enough/just eating things I shouldn't and not feeling like working on cosplays and feeling alone all the time but I'm so used to it and I dont know what to do to change it/how to start getting out of this dump It's worse now that school's over and i still cant find a job or even manage to apply to jobs because this fucking depression is just telling me theres no point in applying to jobs bc I wont hear back anyway Im sick of feeling sorry for myself, of "everyone" (most recently another doc) telling me to "just apply for jobs" Like I talk to the doc about depressiom and he says I have it but Im not sick enough to take meds and then adviced me to contact friends/ppl I know and apply for jobs; two of the things that I struggle the most with (jobs bc previous mentioned stuff, friends bc I alway feel like I intrude and they dont actually want to be my friends and they'll leave me like others have before) At least im not gonna talk to him again anytime soon, just my shrink who actually understands me and doesnt "advice" me to do that

[cryincoward]

hi im not okay and i really hate myslef  i rlly hate myself i hate myself i hate myself bc im terrible i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate this im not happy i hate myself i hate myself i hate me i hatet his im not happy im very unhappy i want to die i wish i were anywhere but here i wish i could explain myself why cant i explain myself whats wrong with me sometimes i feel like a have a learning disability of some sort but i feel so bad self diagnosing but my therapist doesn quote on quote diagnose and i only got my depression meds bc my fuckin doctor finally prescribed them why is my mom a naturalist why am i the bad person why is my sister asking me so much and getting mad that im getting mad stop i dont know why the fuck i do anything stop asking why i do things i dont know and i maybe dont want to sstop it stop it be quiet just watch if u have a question ask urself before u ask me and the answer is probably bc i am stupid and didnt think of it yet i didnt think of anything better stop making me feel like an idiot! stop making me feel bad for being an idiot i dont retain shit  and i never will!! i hate myself thank you for reminding me! that im a fucking idiot! god!! this isnt about u ! this isnt some deep thing and my kids arent gonna resent me bc i cant answer everything theyll either look it up or not care enough! i dont resent my mom bc she is dumb i just dont ask her why she does everything she does bc she doesnt know either! stop doing this then acting like u didnt do anything! thinking is harde and it hurts and everything i see on tumblr about learning disabilities reminds me of myself and if i was actually diagnosed would u finally treat me differently are u gonna fucking go up to someone knowing they have autism or aspbergers or anylearning disbaility and just fucking ask them why theyre like that im sorry u dont understand what its like to not fucking know everything not everyone needs to know everything not everyone is like u and i kno not everyone is like me but i am REALLY not the one acting like they are its u! so often u bring up issues with me that really arent about me! but to say that to u in the heat of the moment you would only fight me on it and convince me that im wrong again but i am not fucking clueless i can tell ur damamged but ur hurting me when u dont understand that im not u! stop asking me why i do things i dont fucking know and my kids wont fucking care! bc i am a good parent u hate urs bc shes terrible u just associated her with dumbness dont put that on me im not the one who treated u like shit ! but i understand that ur at a different emotional level than me so i dont say all this to u just to get interrupted or bc saying it out of the blue makes no sense and i dont know how to begin the conversation and i love u but i cannot solely make u better bc sometimes i feel like u dont think ur hurt but ur clearly hurt but i get we also feel hurt in different ways and youve taken urs and made urself wanna succeed but i cant do that1! i cant even succeed in the first place im a fucking dumb shit ! and im so frustrated all the time i dont want to learn and i dont want to teach all i want to do is exist but u keep trying to learn from me and teach me shit and i just dont want it! I wish i were diagnosed bc itd be so much easier to use one word to explain my behaviour than try and think of a billion behavioral traits that let ppl know hey i wont remember u or anything u say unless we hang out often and if u try to tell me something i wont remember all of it and yes it does haunt me and ill think about it later if u dont understand pls fuck off bc dealing with myself already takes so much energyu 

im tired and were out of mj and im sad and it makes me question if my meds actually ever did help bc im so very sad and tired and i wish i was easy to understand 

sometimes i rlly connect to the whole ‘young girls being underdiagnosed’ thing bc when i was younger i didnt talk much but my parents didnt seem to notice or maybe im just imagining it all and i was a “normal” child but why am i so hurt now i hate talking all i do is get into trouble and say the wrong things and hate myself for it later diufhvnjsdgb