#im tired of people ignoring the things delphines done

[coshayphinelove]

@ everyone saying that delphine is bad and toxic.  I don’t agree with you but I don’t disagree.  

@ everyone who woobifies delphine and thinks she did nothing wrong ever.  I don’t agree with you but I don’t disagree.

please hear me out.

first, we don’t know what she knew pre season 1.  I don’t think she knew nothing but I can guarantee you that she didn’t go in with the thought, “eff yeah I’m gonna step over ethical lines and take away peoples’ autonomy!! WOOOO!!”  both in the show and in interviews it’s clearly shown that she is wildly ambitious and that can get the better of her sometimes.  

it’s probably more likely that it was a donnie recruitment type scenario where they told her it was just a regular study and then after the NDA’s came out told her what she would really be doing.  or she heard of the project and fought really hard to get on not knowing the actual species of the clones.  or it could have been a paul like situation and she got blackmailed.  or it could be a situation like the frog and the boiling water and one second she thought she was working for the leader in scientific innovations and the next she was lying to the woman she loved.

second, the show doesn’t ever show cophine making up.  or talking candidly.  or apologizing.  that stuff always happened off screen, not at all, or as a not even attempting to be veiled threat.  you can bet your sweet bippy that delphine would apologize when she realized she did something wrong.  she’s... a person...  

also, as we saw with the shaysima relationship.... cosima doesn’t talk about stuff.  that’s her pattern, that’s her thing.  any relationship she were to be in (canon or crack) would suffer from that before it got better.  but that’s how you grow?  and make a good relationship?  is talking about boundaries and expectations?

third, the person she is in love with is dying.  in an interview, evelyne said that delphine never wanted to fall in love.  that means all these very intense feelings are brand new to her.  add on top of that the fact that it is literally her job to cure her partner’s terminal illness?  it’s not an excuse or a free pass but it does speak to her state of mind.  she’s desperate and under a lot of pressure from a lot of different angles.  she’s not making the same choices she would be making in a non life or death situation.  i think her driving statement is ‘I’d rather you hate me than die.’  not super healthy for a relationship, granted, but desperate times.

fourth, their relationship is built on a lie.  there’s no way to sugar coat that one and to overlook it would be naive.  in order to overcome that they would have had to do a lot of deep, soul searching talking.  something that there isn’t time for on this show, especially with these two.  they’re both incredibly passionate and terrible communicators.  they both have ‘my way or the highway’ attributes.  it’s not great but it’s not unsalvageable.  that loops back to point two.

fifth, their power dynamic is way shifted.  like, delphine is cosima’s boss and her monitor and her doctor.  delphine repeatedly tries to use those positions to aid not only cosima but all the clones.  she tries to be completely transparent (which wasn’t all that transparent when it got tough) to try and level that imbalance.  the fact that DYAD took advantage of her not being a trained spy is terrible but not her fault.  (seriously, the girl just wanted to be the best at science and y’all are complaining that she can’t handle three different layers of corporate espionage?) 

but in their romantic life, cosima has an upper hand.  she’s experienced with women and has known her sexuality for a while.  she used delphine’s first time as a weapon.  cosima uses this imbalance here to make up for the other imbalance.  neither of them was right to do what they did.

there are elements of toxicity to their relationship, yes.  but honestly... if they were to crack open a bottle of wine, a relationship book, and just talk?  for as long as it took?  to me, after that conversation they would probably have one of the strongest relationships.  because there is such intense feeling there and once they got those feelings aligned and labeled and checked they would be able to navigate their world without hurting each other.

basically what i’m saying is that nobody on this show is an angel.  every single character has done something to push them into the grey area of morality.  it’s not fair to be endeared (if not grossed out) by donnie’s bumbling antics while ignoring that he literally killed someone and became a drug dealer.  it’s not fair to be head over heels for sarah while ignoring her background as a criminal and her continual morally grey actions.  these people are not living in the real world where bad things have regular consequences.  to really get it you have to look at intent.  that’s why sarah is the lovable protagonist and why donnie’s decent into drug dealing isn’t horrifying.  to put it beyond simply: they mean well.  delphine has shown time and time again that her intent has only been to protect.

now if the creators could like.... stick to that.  and not throw her under the bus because it would create ~drama~ that would be swell.

[jwnbwnjwn]

Entry 4 (3.23.2020)

Its currently 9:40 AM and I haven’t slept. Waiting for my online class to start, by the way, all my classes got moved to online now due to the Corona virus outbreak. Anyways, my sleeping schedule is once again fucked up and flipped, but surpringly I dont feel as lonely in the middle of the night. I did just get a wave of sadness though.

Sometimes I feel like im fine, and lifes fine and everythings fine. My relationship, friendships, family. But i know it still bugs me to the core, i know it still replays in my mind, i know its going to take a long time to forget, or to fully make peace with it. It still runs through my mind the possible ways that couldve gone down. The different positions, the different things you did to her, the different names you called her, all the places you took her, what you told her about me? The degrading stuff you said about me? I still look through her stuff, maybe a hint; the subtlest one. I stare at her photos to try to see the parts of her that caught your eye, the parts of her that you kissed, that you touched. The times you did stuff, did I ever come to mind?, even if it was for half a second? Did you think of me? Did you think of my emotions, my feelings? No right? You didnt even know what I was feeling because we were in a situation where I was too scared to tell you because I would just be ignored or shrugged away. But its okay - the blames not all on you. We were in a really rough patch, im surprised we even made it out alive. I still think of the few times I saw her, if it was going on then, if it was still happening then, if you kissed her before or after, while i was still in the same building, if right after you went to see me or after you dropped me off you went to see her. I think of it so much and I just want it out of my head. I think of how you continued to check out other people, even after everything. After help, after the many tears i shed, after most of the hard work was done. I think of how you had girls nudes, how you had my friends nudes, my bestfriends. How you traded with other disgusting fucking pigs, how you wanted to fuck all these other girls. I think of the stash you had. Deja Vu, DEJA VU. I’ve seen this before, me typing this, all of this. I wonder if you still are like that. If you still have your stash, a stash. I know you’re in groupchats that do that stuff, and I know because you told me. You said it was just photos of girls like Belle Delphine, my fucking queen lol, but even then it kinda hurts when i still have all this overbearing pain left over and  to be so sensitive and insecure about still so many things. It pains me a bit to think youre staring at a girls ass, nudes, etc, whether you know them or not. Anyones. And I wanna see your phone, I wanna see who you text, what you talk about because im looking for these things. Im looking for these messages, these photos. The stuff that will destroy me. The stuff that will make me question why I kept going. I wonder if you still do. I just keep pondering, and I think i will for a long time unless i see proof. I think its going to be long, and difficult process for me in order to solve that. And I know, im scared. Im scared to bring this up because I know its somehow going to be flipped onto my side. I know its going to be somehow turned into my insecurites and on my behalf. And you know if thats what it truly is than be it, but it hurts so much because it doesnt feel that way/. It feels like im always blamed on for it. I wanna ask you to leave the chat, I wanna ask you to leave any chat where they talk about girls in that matter, where they send lewd photos, because its too much for me, its too much for me to know youre there, to know yore watching that. It hurts my heart over and over and everytime i think of it it takes me back to that place where I tried so hard to escape from. I think about you when youre with your friends and the many things you probably talk about. I think of how disgusting those conversations can easily turn into, how easily it is for them to show you, for them to tell you, for them to talk about all these girls to you. Or maybe its worse, maybe you still have photos, maybe youre still a pervert and talk about girls, maybe youre the one still causing the trouble. Maybe you never changed. What if it was just your lies getting better, you faking it better, putting in a little more effort into that. I go insane thinking like this. I drive myself crazy. I know i overthink, and I know I get paranoid, i recently figured that about myself; that im always on edge, that im always paranoid about things in an odd way. But its true. I could see clearly why everything Ive stated so far could be happening, but i always give you the benefit of the doubt so i dont fall further down the rabbit hole. Im tired. Im tired of it all. Im tired of seeing her, seeing you, sometimes when I look at you I cant help but have my mind running over how that exact face across of me that I love so much can do all of that, can do it to me. I constantly think of the time you told me about her, going over it, replaying it all in my head. I go over it so many times in hopes that ill catch a detail i missed, anything. I drive myself insane. I dont know how much longer I could do this for anymore, im getting more and more exhausted by the day. With all this extra free time in my hands thats all I think about. I look and search in hopes that something new will pop up, something that will define anything from that time. I wonder if youve talked about her recently, talked to her. I wonder what you’ve said about her, about me, if you’ve ever compared us and how. Thinking of this just makes me want to apologize about me thinking all of this, of my looks, everything. I feel like i’ll never forget.

Sometimes I think, what if I took the bold move? What if I did was would be considered “right” of me? I hate admiting it and even writing it down anywhere, but I think of leaving you. Leaving you and finding myself, finding my true self; not the version I set of myself for you, the version i struggle to love but learn how to little bit a day. I want to know what its truly like to be able to express myself in my true form, in order to want to do stuff and not get shut down for it, in order to fully be me and be able to defend myself without feeling bad for doing so; without feeling like a loser or like im on the outside looking in. Sometimes i wonder what it would be liked to be loved by someone else, someone who deserves me. They say what I want is out there, and i ponder on that. I wonder if theres someone who will always open the door for me, someone who will walk to my doorstep everytime they arrive and everytime they have to go. Someone who will hold my hand and kiss it, someone who hugs me gently; a hug that will make me feel something again. I want someone who protects me, who will keep me safe. Someone who will prioritize me. Someone who no matter what fights we come across, he will protect me out of love, because thats exactly what I would do. I want someone my parents love, someone my family loves, someone that could get along with my friends that i wouldnt have to be worried about. I want someone who will understand me, and someone who will see me as their world. I want someone to view me the same way i view them, i want someone to be there for me and go the same exact extent that i would for them. I want equalization. I want loyalty, I want someone to come into my life and strip me away from THIS “life” and show me what its like to smell the flowers, to show me what its like to be happy and be in love. I want someone who will appreciate me, someone who wont have to try so hard to do so. I just have to keep wishing.

But I love you, I love you so much. Even after all the ugly, even after all the fights, all of this; I still love you so much, I wish you could be the man i need, and hopefully you will. Im just scared that when you do itll be too late. Im scared that you wont. I wish you would put me first. I wish that over everything. I just want to be loved, and I want that to be real. im scared, im so constantly scared all the fucking time and it eats me alive. I love you, but I want to live. I want to love, and live, and be happy. i want to smell the flowers, dance in the rain, roll in the mud, I want to know what its like to be alive. I just hope its with you. I just hope I can forget, I just hope I can make peace.

Ended this at 3/23/2020 10:25 AM

-jen