#im surprised tumblr didn't have kittens

[skylertheminish]

Jesus. tf did I do to get this?

[anxiousvommit284]

I'm scared this guilt and self hatred will consume me and i will do something stupid but I'm more scared that i will inconvenience people if i try to talk to anyone about it. And its not like anyone can help, i feel like no matter how good life is i will never feel whole and there will never be a reason for me to live other than the fear of inconveniencing others. That's kinda why i attach myself to people, i have something to live for if i have someone who cares. I dont care enough about myself to live for me. Relationships are hard for me though, i dont understand why or how people care about me so when i do things and it hurts them I'm surprised. I forget people do actually care. It really has me fucked up rn. I have so many reasons i want to die and the only reason i haven't killed myself is the people around me. I continue dealing with some really terrible thought all because i dont want to be a burden, or be pitied, or make anyone sad. If i kill myself no one will remember when i was happy, they will only remember the bad parts of me. Or they be selfish and think of how they didn't get to say goodbye and not think of the fact that i would be at peace. I'd be happy but people are too selfish to let me be happy. Life is really odd. i cant really handle it right now, i dont have a way to get drugs and i cant kill myself so im just miserable. Not to only ever talk about how shitty my life is, this is a venting page though. I'm just saying how I've been feeling. There's some good stuff too but i dont really want to talk about it because something always ruins it. I dont have an escape right now, i only have Caleb. I dont want to talk about him so much because i know i talk about him a lot but hes all i have going for me. My grades are shit, all of my parental figures are on drugs, my dad is struggling to keep up with our bills, i might have to go to court in the future for custody, i hate school it makes me feel paranoid and like im being watched, my dad keeps fighting with my family i think he kicked my sister out, and i cant even sleep peacfully because ive been having nightmares. One was so bad i woke up like how people do in movies when their having a nightmare and they wake up screaming no, instead i woke up saying its real. The nightmare wasnt serious but it was disturbing, i dreamed my sister was keeping three kittens in her room when she wasnt supposed to and they didnt look real, they looked like they drank a lot of water or something because they looked puffy and they didnt even look like kittens anymore but you could still tell they were. Right before i woke up i was telling my dad what my sister was doing and showing him one of the kittens, he jumped back and looked disturbed and then said it was a cute toy trying to brush it off and i said it was real very quietly and then said at a normal volume its real then i woke up. It didnt really have a meaning but it send chills down my back and that whole day i felt sick, light headed and i could barely walk correctly. It scares me to even think about. Like it had no meaning but i feel so paranoid from it for some reason. It made me so sick i actually want to hide thinking about it. I want to curl up in a ball and hide. Sorry i was just rambling on about random shit this whole post i just want to make sure i post stuff to my tumblr and nothing bad happened today.