#im sure ill get used to it but WOWWWW

[leoxxii]

ok wow dont play dao and da2 back to back. nobody told me 2 was so ugly 😭

[axolozzy]

senior prank went crazy tonight (aka me using tumblr as my diary again)

we went on the roof of the school earlier and nearly had the cops called on us it was so fun guys. we were not allowed to be up there!!! like almost the whole senior class was on the roof toilet papering everything and there were no actual teachers or adults (besides us ig because like were 18) besides the janitors who unlocked the classrooms and let us wreak havoc. our school is actual chaos inside and out like there’s piles of chairs and piles of tables in every hallway and it’s INSANE. genuinely actually insane like there’s toilet paper and seran wrap everywhere guys. our class trip is supposed to be on friday to valley fair but im not sure that’s gonna happen LOLLLL like we’ll definitely be spending our entire last day of school tomorrow cleaning everything up but it was worth it guys it was so fun. wooow. wow. none of my friends were there so i was kinda just silently following everyone around and helping out and it was fun it was silly. i dont think anyone expected me to be there either cuz im literally the most quiet anti social person at our school like im involved in nothing and i dont have much friends and people always say like they never hear me talk because im literally the quiet kid. nobody has ever even talked shit about me because there’s nothing TO SAY, like, i’m a complete nobody in the best or neutral way possible? like everyone has always accepted the fact im so weird and don’t like talking to people and they let me be but they also include me in things and are so nice and like. it’s just cool i guess. i’ve never been bullied but ive also never really been paid attention to either, everyone just lets me exist in their space because that’s what ive always done. anyway tonight was awesome like woooow wow. half my grade are conservative rednecks but i was surprised that literally everyone was calling me jay tonight despite me literally not talking to these people or being in the same classes or whatever. like that’s cool as shit. man tomorrows my last day of school ever. we all grew up together literally like. like we all know eachother despite literally being completely different from one another. like there’s 30-40 of us seniors, which is apparently not a lot compared to other schools and ours is pretty small i guess? like yeah. yeah i know all of these people but they don’t know me, none of them ever really knew me because i just never talked. i never did anything really. and now it’ll all be over and i’ll be on my own. like i don’t really LIKE any of these people, a lot of them are huge assholes and shit, but ive known them my whole life and its just strange. like were all growing up, were all ALREADY grown up i guess. i’ve always been terrified of growing up and i still am but fuck that lets get back to business!!!! the teacher’s lounge was literally unlocked and we went in their and stacked all the chairs into a pile and then took a taxidermied animal from the librarby and put it on top of the fridge

i have more pictures but like they’re filled with people and i don’t wanna spend time editing them because it is late and i wanna actually wake up early tomorrow to see everyone’s reactions to this shit. also it’s my last day. wow… i was supposed to present a spanish project in class tomorrow but i don’t know if ill be able to hahhahaha because they’ll probably make us clean everything up which is good actually i half assed that entire project and didn’t wanna present it. i hope ill get to finish painting my louie clay sculpture tomorrow though. anyway i don’t really know why im posting this but i hope its entertaining i guess. im gonna be graduating high school… wowwww that’s insane that actually insane im not ready. time is going way too fast guys. i can’t even like explain it but wooow. wow. just realized i have like 300 followers here who might read this which is pretty awkward cuz uhhh i always forget that the stuff i post can be seen by people who aren’t just my closest mutuals soooo whatever that cool. uhh i should probably go to bed. can’t believe tomorrows my last day that doesn’t feel real at all aaaaahhhhhhhh goodnight tumblr!!!!!! im gonna wear my spongebob pajama pants to school tomorrow and im very excited about that

wait also i wanted to say we got permission to pull a senior prank from the principal himself, who i call the Skoogily Boogily, who we are all terrified of when we hear his keys jiggling in the hallways anyway we got permission so it’s fine

[kagender]

putata or mekeke for the ask meme

YESSSS i think ill be nice and do both.

putata:

Sexuality Headcanon: gonna act like i did with tamama CUZ HES GAYYYYY DUHHHH. like everyone in the world knows this and i knew it the first time i saw him. gonna go a bit off the rails here but hes the guy that got me watching the shurara corps arc, cuz i saw him in that big ending image w every keronian in it and i was like HOOOOLY SHIT.

Gender Headcanon: he is VERY MUCH A TRANSMAN n also i think he would loooove neopronouns n xenogenders. like hes just that kind of guy

A ship I have with said character: just like every person in the world i just luuuuv putameke..... theyre little freaks made for eachother, crafty guys who work in different mediums but still appreciate eachothers mediums, an excellent combo for frogs for when you want to steal the keron star etc etc. very compatible. they should not be seperated

A BROTP I have with said character: putata n kagege bestieism is sooooo faunny to me sorry. awkward guy devoid of any color and the most colorful energetic guy in the show(PROBABLY)

A NOTP I have with said character: ummm i cant think of anything that isnt like. straight up problematic cause i cannot be a hater really. i guess ill feel a bit iffy if someone pairs him with a girl but ive never actually seen it so like.like.

A random headcanon: im having a bit of trouble pinpointing just one honestly. cuz i think of the corps a lot in general....

well i think hes very caring over his nyororo, in my au it doesnt actually die (listen. i get a bit upset whenever a nyororo gets killed off in the anime thats just a funny beast.) but it does get really sick and it makes him flip his shit a bit ALRIGHT! like i def think its a pet hes had since childhood, his familys like dirty rich so they got him a nice one. saying that i def dont think hes getting much money from them anymore, like he has seperated himself from them pretty hard. also he knew mekeke since they were like, early teens? wow this is all over the place

General Opinion over said character: did you know that putata is also a species of bug(jodis putata) anyways hes GREAT. got me into this whole shurara corps thing. i had such strong brainrot over him when i was like 13-14 and im not exactly proud of it, still love him tho

mekeke:

Sexuality Headcanon: hes BIIIII. bisexual. hell ya baby!

Gender Headcanon: i think mekekes another character that falls under "not cis, not trans but some secret third thing" for me, i think i labelled him a demiboy a while ago though. well he is a boything for sure

A ship I have with said character: i will just repeat putameke..... literally 2 guys made for eachother wowwww its so wild I CANT BELIEVE IT. but also kagemeke is funny. cuz they both use puppetry haha fun but i dont think abt them too much

A BROTP I have with said character: ill just parrot the kagege thing again, though i also think him and dokuku would click together a bit :3

A NOTP I have with said character: I COULD NEVER BE A HATER!!!! never ever

A random headcanon: like w putata my minds a bit over the place.... imma be honest every time i get asked for a random headcanon my mind just goes blank like i forgot everything ive ever thought of in my life

one of my oldest headcanons ever is def gecko-handed mekeke, cause he has to stick to ceilings somehow if he wants to control his puppet from above. sorry i dont like making guys float for no reason.... i think hes def a bit quirky design wise in my au, has some brown markings that he just got as he grew up (thing that happens with keronians sometimes in general tee bee eh) and i call him oxidized because of that. also he has four arms for some reason. i dont really know what his deal is. its not even just his design he wasnt raised by keronians and might act a bit silly cause of it.

General Opinion over said character: bit of an autism beast

[tacittherapist]

3 AM

You gently shake your girlfriend awake, rousing her from her peaceful slumber. The two of you are in her room, your various knitting projects scattered about along with her gadgets and plushes. Admittedly, half your knitting projects are clothes for her plushes; heaven forbid Mr. Snagglystache go without proper winter attire.

ROSE: Jade. Jade, wake up. JADE: muh ROSE: Wake up. JADE: whats going on :0 ROSE: I want to show you something. JADE: its so early though >_> ROSE: I know, it has to be this early. JADE: ok ok im up! ROSE: Good. This way.

You lead her, bleary-eyed and still half-asleep, towards her observatory. The place smells much of citrus -- likely because of all the lemon and lime trees planted about the room. Supposedly they like this room better than the others, including the garden or the greenhouse. The coordinates in the telescope are locked, making sure no errant wind or metal warping might accidentally tear the sight away from the lens.

ROSE: Look into the telescope. JADE: what are you showing me? ROSE: Just look.

The telescope peaks into Paradox Space, glimpsing past the immediate celestial bodies and into the very fabric of reality. Past the dreambubbles, past the alternate realities, past the waning and unused memories still yet to be collected by the Furthest Ring and condensed into more bubbles... lie stars. Perhaps not heavenly bodies, not stars in the traditional sense, but simply twinkling obfuscations of pure matter floating within the ether of the unknown.

JADE: its a bunch of stars?? ROSE:  Yes. Take a good look. Once you have them in your mind’s eye, look here. JADE: hmmm?

You unfurl Jade’s 3 AM dress, its slight-green hue almost glowing in the darkness of the observatory’s dome. The stars on it twinkle, not unlike the ‘stars’ outside the bounds of Paradox Space.

JADE: theyre both stars ROSE: Yes. But look deeper. JADE: hmmmmmm ROSE: See any familiarities? JADE: i ROSE: Hmm? JADE: i think ROSE: Yes? JADE: i think i see it ROSE: What do you see? JADE: theyre twinkling at the same rate ROSE: Yes! JADE: wait ROSE: Yes? JADE: what does that mean ROSE: Ah, forgive me. I forgot you weren’t much of a gamer growing up. JADE: ohhhh wowwww i see how it is ROSE: No no. This is pointless bullshit, only relevant now due to arbitration. ROSE: The stars on your dress twinkling at the same rate as the uncategorized data beyond Paradox Space means we’ve discovered the tick rate of SBURB’s engine. JADE: what!! >:O ROSE: Yes. For those observing narratively, I’ll explain. When developers create a game that doesn’t follow a turn order like chess or checkers, there must be some internal mechanism keeping track of all events that may or may not occur. Actions follow this mechanism according to its ‘tick rate’, which allows for things like invincibility frames during attacks, and clipping through walls during collision checks. JADE: i cant believe you just explained tick rate to absolutely no one also rose are you trying to break the game again ROSE: I cannot break that which is already broken. JADE: im serious!! the last time you tried to break the game there were a lot of bad things that happened ROSE: It isn’t so much ‘breaking’ SBURB so much as it is... using it in ways the developers didn’t intend. JADE: like ROSE: Like clipping through walls. Like invincibility frames. Like infinite items. Like shortcuts to the Reward. JADE: dont we already have a lot of those things ROSE: We do, but not according to class or aspect. The ways we engage with SBURB and its mechanics, I must assume, have all been intentional by the developers. But breaking SBURB down into its parts –- ticks, allocated memory, location of game assets, even comments the developers may have left in –- are not. JADE: this is sounding a lot like your funny gamefaqs guide now ROSE: It is, somewhat. But I’ve graduated. No more GameFAQs guides, we’re in hacker territory now. JADE: ohhhh my god ROSE: You have nothing to worry about. Look. JADE: hmm?

You present to her a medium-sized gift box. Inside is potentially one of the most beloved consoles of the 90s and even early 2000s: an N64, plastered with goth anime stickers, as clean as the day your mother had purchased it. Included are 4 separate controllers, coded for each of you. An entire library of classic games are included too, especially the ones whose very limits were tested and stretched by speedrunners of the era.

ROSE: Normally such a niche item wouldn’t be available via abstraction-based alchemy given ‘brands’ are such an obfuscated, arbitrary, useless concept, they simply don’t exist within the game’s array of constructable items. But... through a bit of data manipulation, I was able to access its pattern given the contents of my home were stored within the game assets even before the Earth was destroyed. JADE: wow.......... JADE: this mustve been buried pretty deep if its from before earth blew up ROSE: It was. But now we can all relive the joy of wishing Gay Bowser a farewell. JADE: ehehe i cant wait to get these references JADE: wanna go play right now?? ROSE: Only if you’re Player 1. JADE: oh im r ROSE: Wait. Don’t. JADE: im ready p ROSE: Don’t you say it. JADE: im read ROSE: DO NOT. JADE: im ready player one B) ROSE: Maybe this was a mistake. JADE: pffff cmon you goof ill go hook us up! ROSE: Happy birthday, Jade.

You chase her back through the halls back to her bedroom, where the two of you spend the morning playing old games and destroying the computers in racing. It’s a fun day until the two of you invariably pass out just after dinner since you woke up so early.

[cinnamonghost]

ayooo usagi, your story-writing post popped up on the IZ tag-- really cool that you're giving writing a shot without having seen/read other stuff! i'm sure it'll be a cool and new take! i'm just so curious about your experience of having florpus be your more formal intro into the fandom; what vibed with you about the movie? (i've been on the IZ train for two decades so my brain is mush and i cant even imagine at this point)

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE ASK! this really means alot to me :) i never get asks or anything so this was really a surprise seeing this!!!

Its actually funny, i cant remember ANYTHING from the movie. I have literally only watched it once and that was like 6 months ago. Im not exactly sure WHY i even enjoyed it so much, from what i remember i thought the movie was weird and too loud for me (and kind of obnoxious sometimes) but then again i was experiencing it with my uncle so it must've lowered that a bit.

I've known invader zim ever since it aired on Nickelodeon i think? i use to sometimes watch it when it would air? I dont actually remember. sadly i cant remember what i ever thought of the show nor remember any episodes. i think i was like 'oh invader zim is on? i guess ill watch it' Then again I was also a child watching the show. Aside from the airings only a few years ago i would SOMETIMES watch it when eating dinner (specifically from hulu) I was never into it and i just thought it was something to watch while eating food.

When the movie got announced in 2017 i remember being excited for it? i vaugely remember saying how cool it is and how i loved the artstyle. And how i would LOVE to watch it when it comes out. I never really thought of anything else of it, i just thought itd be fun to watch with someone. It took like until 2020 to FINALLY watch it. The only reason i watched it was because according to my uncle it was pretty good (and my brother as well) I wouldnt even bothered watching the movie if it wasnt because my uncle was watching it with me.

When watching it i didnt recognize some characters... Its actually funny, i didnt even know who minimoose was and I was so confused who he was when watching the movie since i didnt recognize him from the show ( appenretly i only watched a few episodes of the first season?) But then again that didnt bother me at all, i just though it was a movie to watch with someone.

I Thought the movie was...whatever? it was a cool movie to watch with someone and i didnt really think anything else from it. The only reason I actually bothered looking at the invader zim fandom was because zadr.

When watching the movie i would always joke about ZIM X DIB!!!! WOWWWW THEY R MARRIED!!!! (sad i know) and (SADLY) after the movie finished i looked up zim x dib amv and videos to watch with my uncle and would laugh about it. I cant rmemeber any of the amv's i watched but i do rmember an inimoose drawing being in one of them and clearly rmember my uncle saying "why is he so tall????" <<talking about dib; specifically the one where zim is being pinned by dib from a locker<< and i just remember thinking the art being weird since dib looked like an anime boy. I would also look up other "zim x dib" stuff becuase i just wanted to be "cringy" with my uncle since i thought that was really funny. (spoilers: it wasn't)

when looking up amvs i was really confused about what the ship name was. I would always think "what is the ship name spelled???? it cant be zib or dim" that had actually kept me up at night until i looked it up a day or two after watching the movie. i just remember it finding out it was called "zadr" and literally the first thing i did with that information was look it up on tumblr.

On 2020 November 1st (or 2nd?) the fire nation attacked. When seeing it in the tags i was SO surprised by how many posts their were in the tags. i actually ended up scrolling for like. 30 minutes. after scrolling all i thought was "wowww this ship is actually pretty cool :)" And the first thing i reblogged that was invader zim was art by coconut...something? im so sorry i forgot their name. (it was also zadr)

The second one i ever reblogged was by bamsara, that fireworks comic. i thought it was SO CUTE and they where actually the first invader zim artist i actually followed. After finding about that comic and his other art from the zadr tags i was really interested in his au! So i actually looked up zadr in their blogged and was basically bombarded with a BUNCH of content. So in like one day, i learned about ALOT of their au and i loved it alot honestly. After a few days i actually read their fanfic and binged the whole series up to that day and i loved it SO MUCH; its so good.

It was actually because of bamsara i read and even like zadr or invader zim, im really thankful for his content :) I would just. stalk the zadr tags on tumblr and after reading bamsara series i started reading fanfictions from ao3. Actually aside from bamsara one of the first fanfics i read was from hamletmustdie because that comic someone made comic of their prom fic. (found out about it from stalking the tags, or if bamsara reblogged it? i dont remember)

Then after reading hamletmustdie's fic i binge read all their zadr fics as well.... i love reading them- they honestly inspire me greatly for even writing.

Because of hamletmustdie and bamsara i kind of just im the fandom i guess? And becuase of their works in the fandom i kind of know about things. I still dont really know anything about the comics and the show, but i have been VERY VERY slowly watching it again (Originally i thought zib was some fan chatacter). I find the comedy pretty funny now and i think i would now actually enjoy the movie :)

hahaah sorry for rambling!!! im glad you enjoy my fic :D im nearly done with the second chapter!!! It means alot to me that people look forward to see what would happen; i still feel very nervous about writing since this was my first experience ever- but none the less im glad people enjoy it :)

I know you didnt ask about this but im also inspired the story from the Resisty AU story's like hamletmustdie's fic and andystarr's fic respectively :)

TD;LR - i thought the movie was pretty alright? its not really like i didnt enjoy it but more like the fandom was the one that kind of made my brain rot instead of the movie.(in summary its all zadr's fault)

[somedaypast-thesunset]

you know whats unhealthy?

being made to be upset before 7am about things which are projections of the issues someone has with themselves and needs to find something or someone to blame for their own problem because admitting it is their own problem would be admitting a fault in themselves. 

you know? thats the lack of stability. 

he told me to make a list of my problems. i felt like maybe he should make a list of my problems because he seems to have a different list than i do. 

heres what i know:

a) i have very fast metabolism to the point i need to eat frequently throughout the day in order to feel super super on top amazng healthy. i cannot afford to eat healthier or as frequently as i want to. this leads to buying lower quality food to try and buy “bulk” amounts to last longer or things with “empty” calories just for sustenance. i occassionally buy fresh vegetables and fruits but they are not a good investment when you’re poor. period. a box of rice costs 1.99. three apples cost about the same. can you eat 3 apples for a meal? a very frequent problem is not being able to afford to eat alot in the day and then getting a meal at the end of the day from his home but only being served ridiculously small portions. i’m grateful for anything at all but it’s not enough for me to not feel hungry afterwards. 

however when we eat snacks in the evening and sleep on it, my normal very fast metabolism is not active. this has caused me to put on 10 extra pounds that i have not carried in at least 5 years. what can i do? i dont have alot of options at my disposal. 

b) rheumatoid arthritis runs in my family. this is an autoimmune disease. this means that the genetic line in my background dictates that the dna that makes up my body is suspcetible to creating a being with weaker joints because the body itself - not by injury, activity, or lack there of, is attacking the joints. being prone to having weaker joints means that it is important to strengthen and stretch and be active however it also means knowing that you have some physical limitations in your activity. maybe your activity will be like 30 minutes instead of an hour. but it’s still being active. 

one of the biggest issues i have by far are very weak knees. well .. i think thats actually the wrong word to describe the issue. that automatically implies that i need to strengthen my knees. my knees have painful joints that are unable to maintain repetitive motions such as cycling or walking for long periods of time. maybe a knee brace would help not create so much stress and tear on joints and ligaments that are natually inclined to wear quickly but those cost _money_. 

additionally, i can continue being active after a break. like i can do 20 minutes of very good, heart pumping activity with repetitive motions but then i need a break because its very painful and stressed and once its able to relax, it’s good to go. i don’t think this implies i’m unable to be active. i think this implies that i have a moderate activity level right now that is equal to how much nutrition i get and the expecations i have during activity.

c) i smoke cigarettes. sucks. i dont do chemical or pharmaceutical drugs. i maybe do shrooms once every few years. i smoke weed. i have never been addicted to chemical or pharmaceutical drugs in my life. i have never injected drugs in my life. i have never smoked chemical drugs. i have inhaled drugs probably 7 - 10 times in my lifetime. i only casually drink alcohol and have only drank to excess maybe 7 - 10 times in my ife where i’ve vomited or had a hangover. i have maybe 10 beers over the course of 4 - 6 months at a time. that’s the lvel of “casually drinking” i have. i almost never drink mixed alcohol anymore but used to drink on a more frequent basis and drank orange juice with vodka primarily. so guess what? despite the obvious ill effects that smoking has had on all of my organs, i probably havent created any additional issues to my major organs by doing any of these things. i have not created any stress on my heart or my liver. 

but i do smoke. and that is legitimately the worst thing i do in my life in terms of harming myself or being unhealthy. absolutely nothing in my lifestyle is more unhealthy than smoking. in no way what so ever do i deny the effects smoking has. it is very very bad. not only do i have some breathing issues naturally to begin with including asthma and apnea but i am now putting layers of toxic tar on top of my lungs and much of it admittedly has been unfiltered for almost 10 years and have ben low quality tobacco. not that higher quality is necessarily better but lower seems like its probably even worse. probably like even more random chemicals they dont write anywhere. ive pulled out like pieces of wood from cigarettes before. my dad rolled his own for a long time as well. it’s bad. it’s totally completely bad.

this is going to cause negative side effects in my life in the future. for sure. will i get cancer? maybe. it doesnt run in my family but maybe? lymphoma? copd? sounds like it could maybe happen but again, genetically i’m not pre-disposed but i can cause it by smoking regardless. everyone in my family smokes. they did not age super well in terms of like.. visually. and mentally theyre totally fuked up. but physically theyre oddly in decent shape. like theyre all still moderately active people capable of doing things in their 50s and 60s which is probably a decent sign they’ll be moderately mobile in their 70s and 80s. 

d) depression is the NUMBER ONE DISEASE THAT RUNS IN MY FAMILY ON BOTH SIDES. VERy SErIOUS CLINICAL DEPRESSION WHICH GOeS UNTREATED FOR YEARS IF NOT DECADES. my uncle shot himself in the stomach with his kids in the next room and he was not even blood related. thats how much depression runs in this family. we attract more depression. and it’s not just depression but i’m going to use it as a blanket term because to simplify the pain of this generational experience its that everyone deeply suffers from depression as a disease and not as just like.. a way to describe a deep sadness. a good number of people in my family who are my age but third generation are on drugs. you can clearly tell. my cousin lives in a hospital for huffing glue as a teenager and hes like an old man now. the matriarch on my fathers side literally jujust abandoned all of her children. just peaced the fuck out. literally. thats fucked! 

but what we have to KNOW - we HAVE to KNOW that depression is a disease in this family. trauma is accepted and depression is a genetic disease passed down. if we dont KNOW this then we’re fucked. we’re all fucked. you have to know the enemy. you have to know what youre fighting in order to win. many people so far have passed because of a heart attack or diabetic complications. however the more and more i think about it (which is a lot. like everyday.) my father died of depression. he had zero will to live anymore and its lke.. he had guilt for that because i was there and i was a good kid who didnt do anything but try to help him but he had no will to live. it wasn’t selfish either - he gave me everything he could but he had absolutely no desire to carry on in life and he made harmful choices over and over again partially out of being stubborn, partially because he just did not care. he told me many times that he was WAITING TO DIE. my own father. and do you know what i replied? “i know dad. i’m waiting to die too.” and you know what he said? nothing. nothing. we just existed in silent empathy of eachother - understanding. 

depression will absolutely kill me before any disease does if i do not get taken out by a random heart attack which honestly i am terrible at eating salt in moderation so i feel like im more likely to have like a sodium related issue that in combination with smoking would lead to a random heart attack. but i would never, in my opinion, knock on wood, suffer from a long term disease because i already do and depression will totally kill me way before anything else. right now, at 27, i can see me going until 40. maybe. MAYBE. ive already done 27 years. but the next 10 are going to be fucked. totally fucked. and if i make it until 40 then wow. wowwww. 

e) i am very .. easily persuaded in regards to someone telling me an observation they have about me. i have experienced trauma numerous times by multiple people which has created a personality flaw that leads to very serious emotional & mental instability with how i perceive myself and what i know and what i’ve seen. this is not a “disorder”. this is not an “illness”. this is a personality flaw which has been created through life experiences. essentially, by listening to other people amd choosing to believe them over what i legitimately know to be true is one way of choosing to harm myself. i am “doing it to myself” even though these people could be being assholes at the time. but i am not capable of immediately filtering and having the confidence in what i know - because it’s been questioned so often i question my literal sanity and reality of the world on an hourly basis - so instead of knowing how to cope, instead i allow the traumatic experiences to play out as i am familiar to them acting out. they tell me something, i accept it, question myself, fight with myself and being picking apart things that maybe arent even that big of issues but ive correlated it with what theyve said and now im focused on all these problems i think i have with myself. 

i was told i was sick for a long time. do you get that? i’m not even making this up. like the fact im SAYING THAT should be enough. i was told by my mother that i was sick for a long time. i was told this. she made up all the fucking things she could and told me and told doctors and everyone that i was sick. i had many infections and illnesses and just.. things. i was sick. i was TOLD i was sick. i was TOLD i had a problem i couldnt see or feel or hear. and thus the cycle begins.

i fight it as well - but i’m not sick. i’m not sick. i’m not weak. i’m not stupid. OBVIOUSLY. OBVIOUSLY IM NONE OF THESE THINGS. but im listening to these convoluted assholes spouting opinions which again are projections of their own personal insecurities make me doubt myself and question if i am. maybe i am. maybe i’m so stupid i cant even see what they see. now theyre in a position of power. to counteract i spend my time having one sided arguments and writing personal essays about how i’m none of these things and this doesnt even make sense because all this other shit happened!  but now ive stressed over something that meant nothing to my being for x amount of time, become tired and stressed out, emotional and depressed. 

~~~~

last night i kind of felt like i didnt really want to be sleeping at his house. i was uncomfortable and had trouble breathing and the silence combined with his heavy breathing is soo grating it takes sometimes hours to fall asleep. i still like sleeping with him. i do. after this conversation, i dont realy feel like i want to hang out with him again anytime soon anyways. 

i have to balance and meditate on my own knowledge and perceptions because i have not been wrong before about how he infers more “important” or “bigger” emotions. we have been together for a year but he refused to acknowledge a relationship until last week. which means we are not emotionally affectionate - we don’t express affection in words either but we are both very aware that we are in love. 

i believe he knows that i am both the problem and not the problem at the same time. i believe he has a lot of love for me on a lot of levels and would do just about anything for me. i believe he wants a future with me and wants to have me in his life “forever” but he can’t be promised forever if i’m dead at 40. he cant invest all this emotional attachment to someone whos going to die. he needs to know im not going to die and everytime i light a cigarette in front of him im choosing that over living with him until im dead. 

i lso believe some of the frustration comes from knowing he could live with me in some capacity if we didnt smoke weed or i smoked cigarettes or we ate junk food because we would have more money to build an appropriate life (possibly to his standards) together. 

quitting smoking is not something im considering right now because its acrutch. its a daily crutch that gets me from one difficult 5 minutes to the next. i am very scared to live without it because i am not capable of handling long term stress emotionally & mentally right now. i also have no real personal desire to stop. its not a big deal to me and if i did quit i am sure they would all ask me if i felt better etc. and ii’d just shrug and tell them sure. they feel better, clearly, so i guess i feel better because i dont listen to them put me down for my personal choices in life anymore. just another thing im told. im told. im told. 

his ignorance to the legitimate issues and difficulties of living in long term poverty is overwhelming and to add trauma and depression on to it .. incomprehensible. 

additionally since he has no self control he wants other people to be his self control by not smoking weed or eating junk food and promoting an active lifestyle. he said he couldn’t take me biking or for  a run - and that’s fine; it’s not fun to do those activities with him. i’m not interested in exersizing with him, i’m interested in just being active and going at break neck speeds are not fun at all for me. i enjoy a level of activity that gets my heart rate going but is still leisurely and like.. not aggressive. i’m not looking to run aggressively, you know? if i die in a freak accident because my stamina is not good enough to run aggresively well then i die. it’s cool. i probably died in a fucked up way anyways if i needed to run aggressively away and at tht point kudos to me for trying at all. 

when we tried to canoe it was terrible. just a shitty experience because he likes adrenaline and the rush that pushing himself gives him but you know what? maybe - maybe. some people. just want to have a casual leisurely canoe ride. okay. thats not fucking terrible. they arent weak. theyre fucking enjoying life and the experience. thats how they enjoy it. go make some adrenaline junkie friends. let us slow pokes enjoy the ride. i am not required to fulfill every role in his life. i am not required to be his clone and like all the things he likes and do all the hings he does the way he does it. we have a ton of things in common already and we get along super well. his mother frequently buys pretty terrible pre-packaged foods and granola bars full of sugar and stocks his lunches full of fruit and like honestly fruit is good for you but you cant just eat fruit and say youre healthy. you cant eat shitty grocery store bread and say youre healthy. 

however we both like the same foods. whenever i cook for us he has never complained but openly complains about his mothers cooking. the only time he has complained is when i try to bake frozen fries in a fucking oven because his mother thinks its just “tht much healthier” when you’re eating fucing mccains frozen fries to begin with and then baking them until theyre brown to simulate cripsyness. 

if we lived together i could actually feed him healthy foods that are homemade and not store bought as i have done in all my previous live in relationships. i made dinner with multiple food groups every night too. alot of my lunches would be salad or soup or a sandwhich or all of it together. did i also eat snacks? fuck yes. did all i eat qualify as a snack? no. i ate healthy. and i actually ate even healthier as i got older and included more vgetbles and fruits in my regular diet. 

but living between two places and having his mother feed us once a day is pretty fucking stupid. sry2say. buy your own foods. know that the cupboard doesnt restock magically. when you make foods you actually accept in eating left overs of or create lunches a week a head of time like other people do  its not as easy to turn to snacks either.

but what do i know.

i’m just sitting here waiting for this guy to figure out that hes still causing 50% or more of the “problem”.