#im sure ill be fine later its just a weird sensation to wake up to

[lowpawly]

omfg I'm still feeling sick from missing my meds yesterday idk what's up with that. I mean im better than I was but I feel shivery and my stomach is still bugging me. usually im better by the next day so maybe I just overworked myself by sticking through my job for the whole day lol oops...

[the-goddess-of-change]

The job interview.

Mark sighs and looks over at his friend ''that is the fourth job interview that turned me down, its impossible to find work now'' His friend nods slowly and looks at him ''i guess...but i know a friend who is looking for some new people ? i can send her a message and ask her ?'' ''i guess its worth a try Claire'' Claire smiles and nods as she texts her friend and gets an answer almost immediatly ''She said you can come by tomorrow at 12.00'' ''is that okay ?'' Mark nods ''that's fine but where is it ?'' Claire explains the location to mark and writes it down on a note and hands it to him ''There you go'' ''Thanks'' So the day passes and the next day Mark shows up to the specified place and sits in the waiting room waiting to be called in A woman wearing a black blazer and a matching skirt walks out of the office and looks at him ''Are you the one Claire asked me about ?'' Mark stands up and nods ''yeah, my name is mark'' She looks at him for a few seconds and sighs ''Well...it seems there has been a small misunderstanding then, the job is for women only i'm afraid but...maybe i have other uses for you, lets do the interview'' Mark nods slowly and follows the woman as they conduct the interview After its done the woman looks at him ''Hmm...color me surprised now, you aced the interview but...i cant hire you....this is quite a pickle...'' she looks at mark who looks like he is ready to just give up on the search for a job now ''why not though ? why does it have to be a woman ? i dont get it'' ''....Caire didn't even tell you what the job was ?'' ''N-no...she didn't'' ''Oh...right...well we sell...adult toys so to say and well to sell it you need to experience it and use it on yourself so you can get a better idea on how it works and sell it to customers which are mostly women or men buying it for their wives etc'' Mark looks at her ''Ah...right, that makes sense i suppose....well i guess there isn't much i can do then'' She nods and Mark heads home to find Claire lying on his sofa smiling as he walks inside ''So, got the job ?'' ''Fuck off, you knew it was for women only, you fucked me over there Claire, you're such a dick sometimes you know'' ''Awww, dont be pouty Mark, you know i'm always there for you right ?'' ''Really now ? you are?'' ''Mgm, because i got you covered there'' she smiles and points over at a bottle of something on the table ''Drink that and it will be good okay?'' Mark walks over and looks at it ''60% pure alcohol ? will me getting drunk help ?'' ''Will it not help ? you usually drink when you get down so im just saving you going to the store so like i said, i'm always here for you'' she giggles as mark opens the bottle and chugs it ''Fuck! that's sweet! that cant have alcohol in it'' Claire shrugs as Mark just chugs the entire bottle Claire then looks at him and laughs ''Nope! it didnt, i lied to you i put that there myself, i got this drink from someone i know but dont worry, it will solve all your problems okay?'' Mark clenches his fists and looks at her ''You are such a fucking dick sometimes, didn't even get me alcohol but then if not Alcohol what was it ?'' ''Who knows right ? spooky stuff because i wont tell you anything i'm just going to lie here and watch the magic happen'' Mark just sighs at her and goes to the kitchen and looks inside his fridge ''oh my god...CLAIRE!!!!'' Claire walks over ''Yes?'' ''Did you pour out all my beer i had in here ?'' ''hmmm....i dont know, i think i did but i dont remember'' Mark looks at her in anger but cant force himself to do anything since she does this kinda stuff all the time ''Dont be angry, you know ill make it up to you when you need it as always but right now, lie down and just let your mind wander a bit okay ?'' Mark sighs but nods at her ''yeah, maybe i just need a little rest, you gonna crash here while i drop out ?'' ''mhm! i'm going to go to the store and get us some candy and drinks and see if there is a good movie on the tv later so when you wake up we're going to have loads of fun, okay?'' Mark smiles at her and nods as he hugs her and goes and lies down on his bed and closes his eyes Mark struggles a bit to fall asleep but once he does he find himself in a strange place, he's inside what looks like his house but there is no furniture there and he can see himself just standing there in the middle of the room just looking at nothing Mark tries to move around in his dream but its like his vision is just fixated on himself The clone of him just stands there doing nothing Mark tries to speak in his dream but yet again, nothing happens and just as fast as that happened Mark wakes up feeling a tingling sensation all over his body ''Ah...Damn ? what the hell kinda fever dream was that....but fuck i feel weird all over...'' he walks over to the bathroom and splashes some water on his face and notices his beard is just gone from his face ''......'' ''....she didn't...'' Mark touches his smooth face and does notice it feels smoother than usual like some skin cream has been applied to it ''she couldn't have...its impossible'' Mark sighs and reaches up for the towel but he feels its a bit higher up than it was before he tiptoes and reaches the towel and washes his face and notices his short hair is a bit longer than before it also has gone from a dark brown color to a light brown color ''Okay, i know Claire didn't do that'' Mark touches his hair slightly and notices something weird, it seems like its growing longer as he holds around it Mark just keeps holding his hair as it grows longer and longer and reaches down to his chest as it stops growing ''This is fucking insane...did Claire...oh my god...did she spike the drink she gave me ?! god damn it!'' Mark lets go of his hair and sighs yet again and splashes some more water on his face ''stupid Claire...'' Mark sighs and dries his face and just looks at himself in the mirror His whole face looks different now, his eyes are now brown instead of blue His lips are fuller, his nose smaller, even his eyebrows looks like they were fixed and his bone structure looks different ''Holy shit....what the fuck is this ?!'' Mark runs his hands over his face and sure enough it feels different, its smoother, more curvy and more...feminine Its not that it looks feminine...it is feminine, like it is a woman's face looking back at him ''Holy...shit! am i tripping or is it real ?'' Mark steps a bit back and takes a deep sigh and closes his eyes Mark starts breathing heavily as he opens his eyes back up and notices his chest is starting to swell up slowly pushing against his shirt his breasts starts to expand getting bigger and bigger til they finally stop as mark rips his shirt of and looks down ''What the actual fuck is going on now ?! this cant be real but i ain't tripping either! Fuck! CLAIREEE!!!'' He yells as loud as he can but no one responds ''shes not here?'' Mark staggers around the appartement but no one is there ''she said she was going out...fair enough...'' ''But fuck...'' Mark sighs and looks down on his chest and cups his breasts with his hands as he feels his crotch tingling ''Fuck! NGH!! what is this ?!'' Mark shouts and drops his pants on the floor and looks down at his manhood as it starts to shrink and go into his body leaving only some flat skin there where it once was but not sooner than that happens it feels like his skin is being ripped open as his body screams in pain ''AHHHH!!!!'' Mark screams in intense pain as his new womanhood opens up and Mark passes out from the pain just about 10 minutes later Claire walks into the house and looks at Mark who is now sitting on a chair with his oversized pants on and a blanket over him ''Yay! so it did work! i am amazed!'' Mark stands up and looks at her ''Oh my god Claire! you are fucking unbelivable!'' Mark pouts as his new voice is clearly a womans voice and not his own anymore ''Awww what a cutie voice you got, but i got you some clothes so get dressed up or do you need help?'' Claire giggles and walks over to Mark and takes the blanket away from him ''Why isnt your shirt on ?'' ''....it...broke i guess..'' Claire just giggles and starts poking mark's breasts ''Awww cute cups you got there...hmmm...what shall we call you...how about...oh! you look like a Lauren'' ''Yep! Lauren it is, that's your new name now'' Claire just keeps giggling and poking Laurens chest ''Stop it'' ''Fine fine grumpy'' she looks in her bag and gets out some bra's ''let me see which one fits you'' she smiles and tries on a couple til she finds on that fits Lauren ''there we go, perfect for you and its a cute black one as well so now you look all sexy and stuff but we're not done yet'' She smiles and pulls of Lauren's pants and boxer ''Awwww and look there, you even got a v-....'' ''Dont say it!'' Claire just giggles and hands Lauren some panties and some black pants ''put these on'' Lauren sighs but does as told ''And now you're almost kinda fully dressed just need a shirt...how about like a shirt and a cardigan over since its kinda cold ? yeah that should work perfect!'' ''it is so fun you are really into this you know because i just wanna beat the shit outta you'' ''those words coming from those cute lips and that voice totally dosent fit you anymore'' Lauren pouts some more while Claire cuddles down next to her and kisses her cheek ''Awww, you look so cute when you do that you know, but my boyfriend would totally kill me if i kissed you some more'' ''you dont got a boyfriend, you're single'' ''well im just waiting for him to see me you know, i know he's out there'' ''that makes no sense but whatever'' ''Awww you sad i wont be your cute lesbian girlfriend ?'' ''No! shut up!'' Claire giggles some more and smiles at her ''So i set you up with a new interview with Cassandra tomorrow so you will get the job now! yay!'' ''its a job selling sex toys!'' ''i know! and now you will get it!'' ''God damn it...'' Lauren sighs and stands up ''Where are you going ?'' ''Bathroom...i gotta go'' Claire giggles and drags Lauren with her to the bathroom ''Go on then, you know girls go to the bathrooms together soooo dont be shy princess'' ''....'' Lauren just sighs but sits down on the toilet and does her thing ''Awww so cute'' Lauren just looks away and finishes and gets up as Claire just keeps giggling ''This is just the best!'' Lauren sighs and washes her hands and leaves the bathroom and heads to her room ''im going to go to bed'' ''Me to! im taking the sofa then since its so comfy'' Lauren says nothing but they both decide to go to bed The next morning Lauren is awoken by Claire just standing next to the bed looking at her ''Fuck! you scared me!'' ''Awww, sorry i just wanted to look at you sleeping'' Lauren sighs ''that's not creepy at all but fine...'' gets out of the bed and gets dressed ''Your interview is in an hour so better get ready for that'' Claire smiles and slaps her butt ''oh and i got you this for the interview'' she smiles and hands Lauren a skirt ''put it on and i got you some cute shoes as well'' Lauren sighs but reluctantly goes along with it and puts on the skirt as Claire hands her some heels ''these are easy to walk on and i know you can walk on high heels after that time you got drunk and wore em for like 3 hours'' ''Yes yes...'' puts the shoes on and walks around a bit without really any issue ''oooohhh, looking cute now, real buissness like, its like you've always been Lauren but you know it dont have to be like that you know'' ''What?'' Lauren looks at her ''Well i got a bottle that can change you back you know...so you get to live both lives so since its all fun, why not go all the way and just act it out?'' Lauren looks at her ''so i can change back?'' ''Well that depends if you do a good job and behave good i will let you do as you please'' ''For real Claire Answer me'' ''Fine'' she pouts ''yeah, i got the potion but C'mon just have some fun?'' Lauren looks at her and sighs ''fine ill go along with this, might be fun so why not'' ''Yay! You are the best Lauren'' she giggles and huggles Lauren tightly ''And since you're a girl we can go shopping together and get free drinks and so much more'' ''...i think there is more to being a man or a woman than that but...isnt that kinda generic?'' ''Whatever! its all about having fun til the day you're just a fucking corpse rotting in the ground'' ''....i dont get you...'' ''You dont have to understand me, Lauren silly'' Claire once again giggles and kisses Lauren's cheek ''i thought you said you wouldn't do that'' ''Hmmm...i did but that was past me you know'' ''....right...okay, time for me to go then'' ''oh oh! im driving you there so lets go vroom!'' ''....yes...'' Lauren just sighs as Claire drives her to the place and drops her off for the interview Once again Lauren is sitting in the waiting room and waiting for Cassandra Cassandra walks out and looks at Lauren and smiles ''Lauren right ? please come inside'' she smiles as Lauren follows her once again inside the office and nails the interview just like last time ''huh...that was amazing'' she smiles ''T-thank you'' Lauren smiles ''So i would give you the job there is just one small issue...'' ''oh ? what is it...?'' ''Well Claire just sent me a message and i guess...you can work it out from there'' ''....Damn Claire...'' ''Now....that is fine Lauren, You do fit all the criterias now so there is no reason why i cant hire you but like i said you have to try out the...toys and that you will act like what you are...not that men and women cant act in whatever way they want but you know what i mean right ?'' Lauren nods slowly ''okay then, Welcome to the team then Lauren'' Cassandra smiles at Lauren and stands up ''if you got any questions and such dont be afraid to ask but i am a bit afraid the rest of the staff might know your little situation since Claire pretty much knows everyone here and sent them the same message'' ''How does Claire know everyone here?'' ''I dont know, big social circle i guess and she is kinda easy to get to know and get along with'' ''i guess so'' Cassandra smiles and shows Lauren around the office ''So this is our office, as you already know, we sell toys and sell them to people but we are trying to kinda branch out and open up our own store which is where you come in, i want you to run the store once it opens up'' ''So...im going to work in a adult toy shop ?'' ''that's right Lauren and i hope i can trust you...'' ''Y-Yes of course...i will do my best its just a lot going on right now but Claire just told me to go along with it'' ''Good advice i guess, i guess there is a lot for you to get used to at the moment'' ''Not...really, my body is different but i'm still the same person so its fine'' Cassandra just smiles and walks into another room and returns with a box and hands them to Lauren ''Here we go, this is just some beginner stuff i want you to try out before you start working, i hope that wont be any issue?'' Lauren looks at the box then at Cassandra and nods slowly ''ill...try to do it...'' Cassandra smiles and hugs Lauren ''That's great! so i will give you a call tomorrow then we can talk more about it and when the shop opens up on Friday i hope everything has worked out for you'' Lauren nods and takes the box ''so then, see you in two days'' She smiles as Lauren nods at her and walks out where she spots Claire in the car just listening to music and drinking some energy drink Lauren walks over and gets inside as Claire just giggles at her as she notices the box ''this is going to be great!'' she squeals as they drive back home and unpack the box which contains to no one surprise a bunch of adult toys and some kinky items ''Lookie here, we got some handcuffs...a paddle...a whip and some dildos and a jack rabbit...pretty common stuff...thought there would be some other fun stuff inside'' Lauren just sighs and looks at the stuff ''so what ? i gotta use these on myself to see how it is to be able to sell them better ? how does that work ?'' ''Well duh, a lot of people want recommendations on what they are buying silly so you gotta know which ones to recommend and you said you would go along with it'' ''I guess i did...'' ''then cheer up!'' Claire giggles and gets out the handcuffs and quickly puts them on Lauren's hands ''Yay! now we just remove those silly clothes'' she giggles as she starts to remove Lauren's skirt, thighs and her panties ''N-no wait now! i dont wanna do it now!'' Claire keeps giggling and drags Lauren to the bedroom and pushes her down on the bed Lauren looks at her as she holds up a pink dildo and giggles loudly ''Either i do it, and that might hurt or you be a big girl and do it on yourself'' ''Eh...my hands are kinda tied though'' Lauren sighs and Claire goes and unlocks them ''there we go, now your hands are free again, yay!'' Lauren just sighs as Claire throws the dildo at her ''i told you, go with it, ins't it kinda fun to see how the other side might feel ? i know you're excited and i know you sorta like it because if you weren't id known'' Lauren sighs but she is kinda right and she did decide to go along with it and the pay is kinda good ''fine fine so what do i do ?'' Claire giggles and hands her some lube ''put some on your toy and around your cute little virgin lips'' ''....how can you even say that with that face'' Lauren sighs but does as told ''And now you gently push it inside there and experience pure joy'' Lauren sighs and spreads her legs a bit and slowly pushes the toy inside her womanhood ''...'' Lauren slowly pulls it back out and in again a bit deeper this time as she experiences a tingling sensation all over her ''Ah...ngh...'' Claire looks on and giggles as Lauren just keeps going a bit faster ''Ahhh...my god....ngh....aaa....'' Claire smiles and grabs the dildo from her and starts helping her a bit out ''Now, close your eyes and just let your imagination run wild princess'' Lauren nods at her and does as told as Claire starts working it on her As she goes on Lauren moans loudly as Claire just keeps going for what seems like forever As Lauren lies their in intense emotional pleasure she can feel her body exploding in joy as she climaxes ''oh my god! i made you climax! your first climax! Yay! How was it ?'' Lauren just lies down on the bed and looks up at the celing ''A---Amazing....'' Claire giggles and puts it away and sits down next to her on the bed ''Awww so cute, you liked it, i knew you would so this isn't so bad now is it ? you get to experience that as much as you want and you have looked at yourself right ? you look adorable, really cute so i'm going to do something you will thank me for'' Lauren sits up and looks at her as Claire gets out of the bed and picks up a small bottle from her purse and shows it to Lauren ''You know what this is right ? this is the reverse potion but lookie here'' she smiles and gets out another bottle ''one changes you back, Another is a surprise but here is the catch, if you wanna go back there might not be a way to go back again since its kinda weird'' ''Okay...so what is the other on then ?'' ''Oh ? so you're not just going to take the reverse one ?'' Lauren says nothing but just keeps looking at her ''Well then my little princess cutie girl, this potion is a surprise but i know you dont like surprises so should i tell you?'' ''Yes, do tell me Claire for reals'' ''i will tell you if you undress right now!'' ''....'' Lauren sighs but removes her shirt and bra and sits on the bed naked and looks at Claire ''Awww, so cute! but okay then princess, this potion is the best thing ever, i know because i used it on myself'' ''So what does it do?'' ''Well, this potion...enhances your...hmm...well it enhances your inner femininity'' ''Which means...?'' ''Well, it wont make you a bimbo, but it will alter some of the way you talk, maybe your way of thinking a bit and make those feelings you just had more intense'' ''So...it will make me more into a woman?'' ''Well yes and no because as you know, every woman is different just like every man is different so i wouldn't know'' ''But here is the thing princess, Do you want to go back or do you want to go all the way ? do you want to be Lauren, work in the store, live as a woman ? dresses ? make-up ? shoes ?`clothes ? that way of life?'' ''Now you're generalizing'' Lauren smiles at Claire ''oh wow, i actually am'' Claire giggles ''But you're literally asking me to go on with this or go back ?'' ''Sorta yes, but i guess its up to you'' Lauren looks at the potions and both seem...tempting, Laurens life before was never bad, she had a big social circle, lots of good friends...just some trouble finding a job but nothing bad and she had never had thoughts about things like these before but on the other hand.... ''or should i make it interesting ?'' Claire grins and walks out of the room and returns back with two cups filled with something ''which one contains what ? so exciting'' ''So i just get to pick one ?'' ''Mhm! super exciting yay! right ?!'' Lauren looks at Claire and gets out of the bed and catches a quick glimpse of herself in the mirror ''Huh...'' walks over to Claire and looks at her ''i just noticed im actually taller than you now, tiny!'' ''whatever but i pick this one'' takes the cup in her right hand and drinks it it has a strange taste to it, kinda like...a lot of mixed drinks ''you drank it! yay! congratulations Lauren, what you picked waaasssss'' Before Claire continues Lauren looks at her ''it was the same in each cup right ?'' ''H-huh ? nuhuh!'' ''Right....you're lying'' Claire giggles and pokes Lauren's nose ''How did you know?'' ''....i dont know...'' ''Womens intuition ?'' Claire giggles as Lauren walks back to the bed and gets dressed ''i guess so...i guess so...'' ''So you knew, but you still did it...'' Claire looks at her not really sure what to say ''you didnt think i would do it ?'' ''Honestly ? no..not really that was kinda the reason i was joking around...there is no way back now but...you seem...content'' ''i dont know really what to think'' ''Does it matter ?'' Lauren looks at her and smiles Claire smiles and nods ''i guess not...Lauren'' Lauren smiles and sits down on the bed ''So...like...what now?'' Claire shrugs ''i dont know...but...now that i know you wont change back...hmmm'' she giggles ''Wanna make out then?'' Claire looks at Lauren ''i thought you wanted a boyfriend and so on'' ''its for fun, dont have to be serious'' Lauren shrugs and walks kinda seductively over to Claire and wraps her arms around her and looks her in the eyes ''its already working that fast...but you are cute and adorable so i think im going to engage in some debauchery then'' Claire and Lauren smile at each other as Claire wraps her arms around Lauren as they start to make out on the bed Two days later Lauren shows up at the store which has just opened up as Cassandra welcomes her ''Hey there you are!'' ''Sorry, had a bit trouble finding the way'' Lauren giggles ''and look at you, you look fantastic, i guess this means...'' Lauren nods at her ''Lauren full time now, and living every day to the fullest, i'm really enjoying it, a whole new world has opened up'' ''Claire even took me shopping and i bought more than her'' Lauren giggles as Cassandra hugs her ''Awww, i'm proud of you Lauren and i'm so happy for you'' Lauren smiles as Cassandra shows her around the shop and teaches her to use the cashier as they both smile at each other ''So, for the first day im going to be here as well so lets hope for some customers! oh and did you...?`'' ''i tried them all'' Lauren giggles ''they work perfectly and they feel amazing!'' ''Great to hear! this is the start of something new and something good Lauren'' Lauren nods as the doors opens up for the customer and the first workday in her new life is about to start. Whats going to happen in the future ? who knows but maybe we will find out.....sometime.

[yahoocansuckmyass]

**disclaimer: if you know me in real life, if you have anything to say, just message me on Facebook or whatever, I’m not in danger of myself, just venting about everything in my life at the moment**

only posting bc there’s really no where else for me to vent about anything

i feel so empty, especially the last few days everything feels so bleak and im unable to generate any emotion other than indifference and sadness. i know it will pass and im trying to take care of myself. going to yoga, eating well and shit like that but i don’t have any motivation. jus feels like im outside of my actual body, watching myself do these things without any feeling of accomplishment or enjoyment after.

and my friends feel so far away, maybe im dissociating? i don’t feel like i can open up to anyone without a shitty response from them. best friend has always come to me in times of need but when I come to them it’s like they’re not even listening or really even grasp that im hurting my boyfriend tells me “think about something else” as if i haven’t gone through years of trying that, im not able to change like that my thoughts flip on a dime and when they do I have 2+ other voices yelling at the only part of me trying to help it feels like a minefield. i try to think that im okay and that I can do this but they teller the sound of my breathing is too loud and i get so uncomfortable in my body that i can’t fucking move. it makes me want to tear out my hair and scratch my skin off. (I’ve been self harm free for almost 2 years and these episodes get really hard to handle but at least i haven’t hurt myself other than biting my lip a bit too much on occasion)

and group therapy now costs too much and I can’t even stop by for an hour.

work doesn’t seem to value me either, i have hardly any hours and in turn no money. I’ve hardly eaten anything in the past few days.

it’s so strange being stuck in this place where im taking care of myself and doing the things i need to and still being so detached and unmotivated. it hasn’t been like this in a long time. everything feels off.

not to mention my home life is just me waking up and already being yelled at for something I don’t even know about, it’s like I could open my eyes the wrong way and get scolded for it. she asks me if im okay and I try to say what’s wrong and she reverts back to “but im hurting too” why even bother asking me if you’re going to just talk about yourself

im never being taken seriously. the only time that i think even my group therapy took me seriously is when i sliced up my arm I remember they were talking about a girl and how “brave she was for being able to show her cuts in the open and talk about them to the group” meanwhile when I talked about my cuts but never showed them, I was almost brushed off. I had cuts that I could fit my fucking hand into, and they didn’t. Even. Believe me.

now I know this post is long and jumpy and inconsistent, and I don’t really care if anyone reads it, but if you do, I’m sorry for the jumping around. I haven’t been able to talk about anything to anyone in a long time. at least not really, not without the making it a competition and telling me it could be worse or saying some people have REAL problems as if my brain doesn’t tell me to drive off the road or cut a vein and bleed out or drown myself in the lake out back.

though I don’t harm myself, though I can keep it together and appear so happy and fine, I still think of suicide every day and it hurts to think about all of the people I’d destroy. and as reassurance, no i won’t kill myself. im not going to let my progress end like that, i know I have good things in my life, im just going through a hard time. high functioning mental illness is something else man.

the past few days have left me so out of it especially. they’ve been the worst. Saturday was a decent day up until my mom left to go out for the night. I was left alone with my thoughts, and then those thoughts blurred out into nothing. just alone. no energy. no motivation. no one to talk to. just emptiness. I walked from room to room without a sound, just to lay down and stare at a wall or ceiling for an hour at a time. I didn’t eat, didn’t sleep. just was there. finally i got up and just fucking bawled my eyes out, thoughts of suicide and self harm bombarded me, I felt so fucking depressed it was like a tidal wave was trying to drown any ounce of sanity i had left. some scars I had forgotten about found their way back to the surface of my neck and boy for some reason that fucked me up, i forgot I even cut my neck, it brought back that sharp hot pain and all the sensations that run through your body. it was terrible, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. and finally I reached out to my cousin, though she had plans, she offered to come get me and hang out at my place with her friend and boyfriend and thank fucking god i did, I would’ve been a mess if she hadn’t. im glad I didn’t try to cancel on her either. my boyfriend was supposed to stay over but ended up cancelling that night too. and he was supposed to come over today. slept through us hanging out. people tend to treat my schedule as if it’s something they can erase and write in a later time or date with no consequences. and gaslight me for being upset about it. All I ever ask for is communication, that’s it. Talk to me, I won’t be upset, but if you lie to me, that’s a slap in the face. I don’t understand how I can literally tell you “it’s fine if you don’t want to hang out or talk, but you need to let me know asap so I can adjust my plans” and you still lie to my face or just disregard me completely. I’ve had people tell me 10 minutes before I’m supposed to get them “nah sorry fam” and that’s it. Only to find out they made better plans and are posting about it all over the place.

it’s fucking shitty. everything has been shitty. I can’t afford food or anything for that matter, my friends aren’t really even there, my boyfriends always busy doing whatever he does, my mom doesn’t listen to a damn word I have to say, my work doesn’t feel like home anymore (I used to LOVE going to work and getting to make people feel beautiful and talk about new shit and now it feels like a chore, I’m not treated like a valued employee anymore rather than disposable).

all i can do is continue to exist in this cycle of high function dissociation.

next topic on miahs 5 years of nothing talked about post: self love vs self hatred

as i said before, im actually taking care of myself. I’ve had hip bursitis for years now that has turned me into a borderline cripple with excruciating pain at almost all times of the day, and this is another thing that people don’t take seriously. my mom calls me a hypochondriac and that it’s not that bad, everyone just…dismisses it i guess? regardless, this is a thing that’s impaired me during my daily life and it’s only added on to the various health issues that make it hard to feel healthy and love my body.

I’ve always been critical of myself, specifically my appearance. I’ve made lists of things I hate about myself. I’ve had people contribute to this, but it’s not anyone’s fault that I did the things I did to myself except my own. 3 years ago I graduated high school at my highest weight and met a person who would end up being my inspiration to losing weight the wrong ways. we were both entirely toxic to each other and I ended up using laxatives and throwing up, and not eating and working out excessively to lose 70lbs in less than 6 months. the only problem is that I didn’t see a change in my weight, i felt like I was just as fat, just as disgusting as when I started. it was obsessive for me to lose weight. and everyone congratulated me on the success I’ve had. until cosmetology school where I ended up gaining all of it back due to lack of time for exercise and heavy depression and my hip problems. (also congrats if you’re still reading this, im not entirely sure when ill stop writing) i felt like I failed myself, and every time I tried to adjust my diet I’d just end up not eating and it scared me, I didn’t want to be back to that place. I didn’t want to feel like that again. (Today, I’m actually doing well with my diet and sticking to it in baby steps so I don’t overwhelm myself) granted I still feel guilty every time a crumb of food enters my mouth, I have this weird paranoia that everyone is watching when I eat and that all they think is that I’m fat and of course I’d be eating now. and that’s why I can’t be the only one who eats when I’m with friends, everyone needs to eat so I don’t feel so disgusting I guess?

the few months after I stopped cutting and shit were hard but i was in a pretty good mind set, I think January 2016 was the best I’ve ever been, but as expected it didn’t last. and don’t get me wrong, i cherish the fuck out of the good times I have in my life, I’m not some dick that dismisses all of the good things and just says im a basket case with no hope or friends. I love the people in my life with all of my heart, and I love the good times we have and the good things that happen. but I’ve never been able to discuss and move past all of the bad things. it seems like I’m being told to just push it back farther and farther because they don’t want to have to deal with it right now. and i could be wrong, and for some of those people I am wrong. but again, their responses to whenever I do open up are disheartening, and some don’t mean to come off that way but it persists. which makes me question why do I even bother. see, this a good platform for me to vent because it’s just that, I don’t need anyone to reply and say sorry or tell me I’m wrong, it’s just here and I got it out. that’s all I’ve been trying to do.

I’ve really never wanted any advice, i know what I need to do and what’s right and what’s wrong, its an ongoing battle for me, and I just needed someone to listen. and that never happened, there was always competitive comparisons, always criticism, always gaslighting, always dismissive. And maybe it’s because when I actually try to TALK, I freeze up and can’t say what I need to in the right way. but still! More than half the time I open up, I just get more reasons to shut back down. back to self love and shit (sorry), I’m trying to love myself despite what it sounds like. just because a big part of me only holds dislike for myself, doesn’t mean there isn’t a part that just wants to love. it’s just been years of these expectations and standards forced down my throat to the point where quite honestly, I’m fucking confused I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t

I’m not gonna get into relationships for the soul fact that I could go on for days about them and this is post is way longer than I anticipated already SO. That’ll be another day (probably tonight since I’m to the point of just not giving a fuck and dishing out every emotion I’ve felt in the last 5 years)

and again back to self love, lately, i don’t weigh myself because I know that if I do, I’ll get depressed and obsessive again and I really can’t deal with it now. I hate my stomach first and foremost. that’s literally the main thing that I just want to cut off my fucking body. i half the time can’t even look at myself because I’ll just get stuck in one of those fuck you miah states. and to address something real *quick*, I don’t need the, “well stop complaining and do something about it” BITCH I AM. I am actually doing everything for it!! but my shitty brain doesn’t let me see progress, for all i know I could have lost 30 lbs and still think I look exactly the same (and part of the reason why I chose yoga was because it all stems from your core so it’s always engaged…and it’s hot yoga so I sweat out at least a pound every time I go, and I went every day last week) i dunno why I can never see positive changes, but when I lost all that weight back in 2014, I didn’t even go down a bra size, let alone pant size and that really fucked me up. It was weird having people compliment me and say how good i looked but still felt the same size. I don’t get it, I could see the numbers go down but my eyes never saw a damn change on myself. Imagine losing 100lbs and still being the same pant size. And I did think we’ll maybe it’s because I still hated myself and was losing weight in an u healthy way but even now with me doin all these great things for my body, I see no change at all. I jus wanna be healthy now, not skinny.

^^talking about my body is my least favorite thing to do so if you have anything to say about it please just don’t, I’m jus here to get this shit off my chest.

I think im just about done, currently brainstorming to see if I missed anything or if I want to touch back on certain things. All that’s left I think is relationships?? So maybe I will write a bit about it? ….I wrote about it then deleted all of it because without going into brutal detail there’s no reason for it to be shoved into this.

I’m pretty sure I’m finished, I may or may not ever check back in here to update or whatever. I guess we’ll see.

If you made it to the end, congrats you spent 15 to 25 minutes reading an absolute mess of a post. Hopefully you could keep up with all my jumping around.