#im suffering from imposter syndrome right now

[ssreeder]

Sreedy. Are you into the owl house?

Is your fav Hunter?

Sreedy if both answers are yes this is like the best thing I can ever hear because that means literally the best writer in the WORLD might consider writing something about that loser in the future.

(ofc no pressure! just think very highly of your writing!!)

I DO LIKE OWL HOUSE!!! (I was super late to the party)

(I still haven’t seen the finale!!!!)

Of course my fave is hunter haha I have a soft spot for scarred boys with tragic backstory’s ;)

Ahhhhhhh you can’t compliment me like that!! I’m in my feels right now & idk how to handle it!! <3

idkkk if I’ll ever write anything for TOH just because I’ve only ever written avatar fanfic (this is my first fandom) & im not sure if I’m ready to branch out yet, I still wanna kick around my avatar boys a little more before I leave them <3

[donkey-hyuck]

¡MASTERLIST!

WORD COUNT - 10.146

GENRE - angst haha | fluff | established relationship!au | CEO!au | slowburn?

CHARACTERS/PAIRING - CEO!jaehyun x orphanage caregiver!fem!reader | nct/wayv

INTRODUCTION - getting into a relationship when you were at the lowest point of your life dragged you down to the bottom. but it dragged the ones you loved as well.

WARNINGS - adoption/being an orphan | profanity (like a lot) | insecurities (major imposter syndrome) | being poor/poverty | panic attacks/anxiety/depression | alcohol consumption | (prescribed) pill intake | lots of dialogue | pet names 

TAGLIST - @xxvaelinxx @bbhmystar @actuallynarii @gfksz @jenosbliss

A/N - yikes this one’s a deep one :( the song is track five on the album and track three on the playlist. have fun breaking your hearts :’) (also hi ik it’s been literally centuries but it’s finally here pls don’t kill me (for the rushed end.))

DISCLAIMER - read as you please!! i don’t want to trigger anyone and please lmk if i missed any warnings! i don’t want to be insensitive to anyone's feelings. thank you <3 p.s. this is not proofread and im so sorry for the immense pause.

It wasn’t too far into your relationship when you broke down in front of Jaehyun. You didn’t know why but opening up to him just became natural.

To be fair, you were also a little ways past tipsy. 

In fact, you were a bit deep into the soju bottle you had bought while sitting outside of the convenient store when you first met Jeong Jaehyun, himself. Of course, you didn’t know he was the CEO of Jeong Peach Corporation at the time. 

Jeong Peach Corporation. A fragrance and personal hygiene corporation company whose audience consists of he’s, she’s, and they’s. The brand as a whole has this certain aesthetic that is appealing to those people. But Mr. Jeong Jaehyun himself also had a certain aesthetic that definitely matched the brand name he built from the ground up. His striking looks and simply the way he carries himself has men and women falling on their knees for him. But it was a little too late for them to capture his heart the way you did.

“Hey you! I can see you looking over here. How ‘bout’chu come over here and I’ll show you a piece of my mind,” you slurred and held up your fist. 

He was almost taken aback. Not because he was Jeong Jaehyun and you had the audacity to speak to him like that (again he carries himself in such a humble way that that would never be the option), but he was simply minding his business, walking to his car until he heard the sound of your drunk voice. He was definitely not expecting a drunk voice while he was ready to go home right around midnight. 

He chuckled to himself, too amused at the mere thought of you. But it was midnight and this was the darkest the sky was going to get. It was dangerous for you— for anyone— to be out this late, by themselves, downing a bottle of soju. Well, two and a half bottles of the infamous alcoholic drink. 

“Who are you? And why are you out here so late? Drunk?” He laughed, tucking his phone into his pocket, slyly grabbing a chair and sitting by you. 

“Suffering. It’s tough out here,” you took another shot.

“Hello, suffering. Why are you out drinking soju so late?” He teased. It was easy to get along with you it seemed, the alcohol brought out the extrovert in you.

“Hey! My name is Y/n. Not suffering…. I’m just saying I’m suffering because,” you paused. And he subtly leaned closer to you, wanting to hear the reason why you’re here by yourself, downing the whole damn bottle.

“…. Just because, okay. Now can you please go so I can drown my own sorrows by myself? I don’t need another pity party,” you sobered up for a moment, then went back to pour yourself another shot. 

But before you could take the shot, Jaehyun grabbed it from your loopy hands and took the shot instead.

“Hey! You don’t just take someone else's alcohol! That was the last shot too! Now I have to go buy another bottle!” You pushed yourself up from your seat only to be met with the hard concrete ground. 

“You shouldn’t be out here this late, miss Y/n,” he said, his voice laid with concern. 

“Who are you to tell me that? I don’t even know who you are,” you pouted, still sitting on the ground. He sighed to himself, showcasing his deep dimples, and got up from his chair to help you up. He was going to try and take you home.

“Hey! What the hell are you doing?!” He wrapped his arm around your waist to keep you up.

“Stranger danger! Stranger danger! This man is trying to kidnap me!” You yelled out. Of course, no one would really hear you. Besides Bong Cha— who was a goodie-two-shoes for Jeong Jaehyun and Jeong Jaehyun only— who walked out of the company right after her boss had. She saw the whole thing go down.

“Stop it! I’m trying to help you!” He struggled, since you were kicking and flailing your arms around in order to prevent him from taking you. 

“Help me, my ass. What do you want from me? Taking advantage of a poor, drunk, girl just trying to get in my pants? Get off me fucking psycho. My car is the other way,” you kicked some more. And he gave up, placing you on the ground once more.

“Please, Y/n, you have to work with me here. I just don’t want you staying out late. Who knows? You could actually get kidnapped if I don’t help you.”

“How can I trust you? I don’t even know your name. You may be handsome but it’s always the hot ones that are fucked up. More fucked up than me!” You exclaimed.

He sighed and rubbed his forehead. Maybe he should have just left you at the seven-eleven. But Jaehyun just sat on the ground next to you, a good distance away and observed your ridiculous, drunk, figure. 

“I’m Jeong Jaehyun,” he started, “now can you please cooperate with me? I’m trying to help you, here.”

You looked up and squinted your puffy eyes at him. “In your damn dreams, you’re Jeong Jaehyun. Like I’d believe that. I may be drunk but I’m not fucken delusional.” Oh, but you were delusional. 

You slowly raised from your seat on the ground and walked your way back to your car, which wasn’t actually where you parked it. The man followed you— sorta like a creep— just to make sure you were safe. But on the way to your car (which was not the right way at all), you bumped into Kim Bong Cha herself. 

She hadn’t seen her boss behind you because it was a little too dark but she lashed out at you anyway, “Hey! Watch where you’re going dumb bitch.” You were about to pounce on her until he caught you before you had the chance. 

“Let me go! Let me at her!” 

The girl was shocked to still see her boss shielding her from you. And she felt embarrassed to let him hear the rude words come out of her mouth. Karma’s a bitch.

“I’m sorry, Bong Cha. Please, go home. And don’t discuss this to anyone. I’m just trying to help her,” he explained to his secretary. Ah, so she was his secretary. That makes a lot of fucking sense.

Quietly, she speed-walked to her car leaving the two of you alone again. 

“Why didn’t you let me at her? She was being a rude asshole.”

“Y/n. She’s my secretary. And she’s always been like that. But don’t worry about her, okay. Please just let me help you,” he begged. It was too late for him to just leave you on the road. 

You sighed, the dizziness was now getting to you. 

“Fine. I need to get to my car, though,” you pushed him off of you.

“I don’t think you’re capable of driving right now,” he retorted.

“Then what the hell am I supposed to do?” 

And that was how you ended up sitting in the passenger seat of Jaehyun’s luxury car (the one he drove that day was his Aston Martin DB11.) 

That was how you first met Jeong Jaehyun.

So much for first impressions. 

—

When you woke up the next morning (with a massive headache), you found the CEO asleep on your couch. All in your shitty apartment. And when last night's events finally hit, you felt like the biggest asshole on planet Earth. 

Jeong Jaehyun was sleeping on your couch. In your shitty apartment that could definitely not even compare to his lavish lifestyle. You felt embarrassed all over again. God, what the fuck were you thinking?

You tried to clean up a bit before you woke him up but nothing would fix the slightly stained walls and the old furniture he was definitely a foe to. 

After you cleaned up the place, he still seemed to be fast asleep, so you decided to cook up some type of breakfast for him. The rusty refrigerator only consisted of greens (that were about to go bad), a carton of eggs, and a gallon of water. Sunny side eggs, it is. 

This was for sure nothing he was used to. He was a CEO after all. The CEO of one of the most popular global brands, might you add. Which made the whole situation so much more humiliating.

Whilst you were cooking, you looked over your shoulder because of the squeaking of the couch Jaehyun fell asleep on. You wanted to fall off the face of the Earth. 

Quickly you set the eggs into a plate and placed them next to his water you had already set on the table in front of him. He had only been awake for five seconds and he was met with the hospitality of you. 

“Mr. Jeong Jaehyun,” you started, “or— no, yeah. Mr. Jeong Jaehyun, sir, I’m so incredibly sorry for the inconvenience I left last night. You did not have to take me home. In fact you didn’t have to stay the night, which was kinda stupid on your part, not that I would ever call you stupid, even though I just did but-” he cut you off. You definitely rambled a bit too much. 

“It’s okay, Y/n,” he slightly laughed, picking up the chopsticks from the plate and eating the egg. 

You sat in front of the table, too defeated to say anything. Too defeated to even look at him— even in the few minutes he had been awake, he was more prestigious than you’ll ever be. You didn’t care about who he was. You really did, of course, but after the whole mess, you didn’t even want to be in his presence anymore. 

“Why are you so quiet, angel?” The pet name made you feel even worse. Why was he being so nice?

You gulped and looked at him. 

“I’m just- I’m so sorry about last night. I was just-”

“Suffering?” He cut you off once more.

The fact that he answered you and finished your sentence made you want to crawl up in a ball and never come out. Last night definitely placed number one in your list of horrible nights. 

“Uhm… yeah, that. But-”

“Why don’t you eat, love?” This was the third time he cut you off and the second time he referred to you as an endearing person. He acted as if he knew you for his entire life. 

“I’m uh- it- it’s okay. I’m not really that hungry so,” you trailed off, looking down at your hands while you played with your fingers. Just then, he shoved his chopsticks in your face. A piece of egg sat on it. He motioned for you to eat. 

You quickly turned your head and shook it, pushing his hand back, “No!” You cleared your throat, “it’s really alright, Mr. Jeong.” You really don’t know why you called him that but it just came out. It was probably the nervousness.

“Jaehyun.”

“Jaehyun… It’s really okay. I mean this is also the least I could do- uhm- especially after last night. Also, my house is a bit of a mess, I'm sorry about that.”

Jaehyun noticed the neighborhood and apartment complex you lived in. Of course, Jaehyun was a nice person so he wasn’t going to comment on it but it was obvious he noticed the living situation you were in. But none of it mattered to him. He just wanted to make sure you got home safely. 

“Don’t apologize about that, Y/n. Now eat.”

“I have more eggs in the fridge. I can make my own, don’t worry about it,” you felt your face flush with heat. He caved in and shoved the piece of egg into his mouth, still worried about you.

It was awkward for a long time until he finished his food. You took his plate and cup and put it in the sink. 

“I’m sorry. Do you want to wash up? Or maybe-” he laughed.

He had a habit of cutting you off, and you’ve only met this man all of eight hours. Most of those hours you were out cold.

“Stop apologizing, love,” he smiled at you, dimples on full display.

“I’m sorry-” you cut yourself off this time. He laughed again. You were cute. 

“I actually need to go to the bathroom. Could you show me where that is?” He asked. You nodded and pointed him down the hall to the left. He quickly thanked you and made his way.

Right when the bathroom door closed, you ran into your bedroom and plopped, face first, into the sheets. How degrading that was. 

When Jaehyun was done using the bathroom he got out and called your name which made you scurry out of your room to meet him from behind. You forcefully smiled and waited for what he was going to say.

“Your car is still at the convenience store.” Your fake smile dropped as you scrunched your nose, remembering how he drove you home. 

“It’s alright. I’ll walk there later. It’s no problem.”

“But-” this time you were the one to cut him off.

“You’ve already done so much for me. I owe you my life,” you joked.

He playfully scoffed and walked toward you, now directly in front of you,“Just let me drop you off. It’s a far walk.” 

“I can Uber or take the bus. Really, everything is okay. I don’t need you to help me anymore. You helped me more than I needed last night and I owe you everything I have.” You were so stubborn. He wouldn’t give up, though.

And there you sat in the same passenger seat as last night. 

“I’m going to wash up at my house first. Is that alright?” He looked over to you while at a red light. You had been looking out the window before he said that.

“Of course. Take all the time you need. I’m in no rush.”

—

You underestimated the home Jaehyun lived in. It was pure luxury. Fenced-in house with a security system (that, alone, probably costs more than your apartment), green upkept grass, and a beautiful white exterior and interior that screamed majestic, mature, and regal. It made your home feel like a shit-show. It made you feel completely horrible about yourself. 

“Please, come inside,” he opened the passenger side door for you.

Shakily, you unbuckle the seatbelt and exited his car. And he just sweetly smiled at you the entire time. It made you want to cry.

He led you to the front door with his hand hovering the small of your back. You could feel the heat of his hand through your shirt. You took off your shoes and followed him inside.

It was very bright and very aesthetically decorated. With plants (which you weren’t sure were fake or not), paintings that you had never seen before, and knick knacks that seemed too expensive for you to even touch. But he led you past everything in his house and went straight into his bedroom. He had a whole couch and side chairs as well as a fireplace. It was just as grand as the rest of his home. 

“Uhm, you can sit on the bed if you’d like. Or the couch, I don’t know. But I'll be done shortly. Please, make yourself comfortable,” he held your arm, informing you. But you were too stunned to speak, so you nodded your head instead. 

You sat on the couch, it was a little weird for you to sit on his bed when you barely knew anything about him (and he barely knew anything about you). Plus, you were too busy gawking at his house. And it made you feel self conscious again. It made you feel small; like you didn’t belong. Which you didn’t. So you don’t know why Jaehyun seemed so comfortable with you. 

He came out of his bathroom— that was attached to his bedroom— buttoning up his shirt with damp hair. He took as quick of a shower as he could, to not keep you waiting. And through the reflection of the mirror, he could see you with your head facing down again, probably playing with your hands. 

“Y/n, love,” he called out. You whipped your head around to his voice, not expecting that to escape his lips.

“Can you please help me button this?” You don’t understand why he called out to you as if you were his lover. Or at least someone he was comfortable with. Couldn’t he see that you were a bit lost? 

You sighed to yourself and wiped your palms against your pants, hesitantly walking up to him. 

Carefully, you buttoned up the rest of his shirt and looked up at him. He was already staring at you with all the love and adoration in his eyes. Of course, you didn’t realize this at the time. Jaehyun himself didn’t even realize it.

He then handed you his tie, “I hope you can tie a tie?”

You’ve tied many ties in your time of working at the orphanage. 

—

Warm Hearts Orphanage held a prolonged special place in your heart. You’d been going to the orphanage as far back as you could remember. The orphanage held children from infants to teens. And everyone there was like family. Even though your little family didn’t have much, it always warmed your hearts to give back to children who were less fortunate than you were. And though you grew up poverty stricken, these children suffered more than you did and all you wanted was to help them. 

You’ve seen children come and go, and the thoughts that always come to you is that they lived a happy life. Everyone in the orphanage deserved it. Even the sourest of apples, because all they wanted was to be loved by a family.

That being said, the orphanage always planned surprise parties for those children who had been adopted. It was a nice tradition, and you’ve helped many children get ready to graduate from Warm Hearts into a family that will love them.

—

“I can.”

As you were doing up his tie he slowly raised a hand to pat down your hair. The action made you pause your movements. Then, you realized everything that was going on was completely wrong and inappropriate, so you quickly finished doing his tie and took a step back. Your heart fell to your ass.

“What’s wrong, lovely?” You still felt like you were going to cry. 

“I- Nothing. Don’t worry about me,” you fakely smiled again. But, again, it was as if he knew you your entire life because he wiped the pad of his thumb against your lips, making you genuinely frown.

“How can I not worry when you seem squeamish? And these fake smiles plastered on your face. What’s wrong?” He stopped swiping your bottom lip and cupped your face with the entirety of his right hand; thumb rubbing your cheek instead.

You still forced a smile and wrapped your hand around his wrist, bringing his hand away from your face. You felt undeserving of everything he was doing to you. And you wanted to hide your emotions as much as you could.

“I’m okay. You can stop worrying about me. I’m fully capable of taking care of myself,” you released your hold on his wrist and held yours, crossed in front of your body. 

This time, with his left hand, he smoothed down your hair and let his hand rest on your face.

“Okay, pretty. If you say so. Now, let’s go get your car, yeah?” You bit your lip and nodded and he led you out of his house with his hands on the small of your back, just like he did when he was bringing you inside.

The seven-eleven you were drinking at just so happened to be located right next to Jeong Peach Corporation. Your car was still parked in the parking lot. And it was still nothing to ever compare to the CEO who was sitting beside you.

You both got out of the car, and he was standing in front of you. 

“Thank you and I apologize for last night. But if it weren’t for you, I’d probably be passed out on the sidewalk,” you awkwardly laughed. 

“No worries, love. And thank you for your hospitality. I’m happy you’re doing alright,” he responded.

You pursed your lips and pivot your heels to the direction of your car.

“I hope to see you again, Y/n.” Yeah right.

You pivot your heels back to the direction of Jaehyun. The embarrassment of last night and this morning still lingered in your body. There was no way you would see him again. You were from two completely different worlds. And there was no way you were coming back to this seven-eleven.

“I hope so too,” you said bitterly before rushing to your car. 

“Y/n!” He said before you could finish shutting your door. You groaned to yourself, stepping back out of your car and facing him again. You wanted to save yourself from the self-bashing already.

“Would you like to… maybe… grab something to eat later?” But damn, he was too nice to turn down. You wanted to say yes so badly, but another part of you wanted to decline. You just didn’t belong in his world. 

He was born to an upper class family, you knew that. Everyone knew that. So what would happen if you said yes? You had nothing to offer.

But it didn’t hurt trying, right?

You took in a huge gulp, “…. I would like that.”

“I’m sorry, what?!” exclaimed Danbi while the two of you were washing dishes.

The kids had just eaten and they were now free to do whatever they pleased, whether that was draw, sleep, or take a walk during the good weather. 

“Keep it down!” You shushed her.

“I can't! THE Jeong Jaehyun of THE Jeong Peach Corporation asked you out on a date tonight?!” She squealed in happiness for you, making the bubbles fly everywhere. 

You told her everything that had just happened within the past twenty-four hours. And she was beyond stoked for you. This was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity and she knew you deserved it the most. You’d been through hell and back and you’re about to go right back. She knew everything about your situation, you’d both been volunteering here for years so it was only natural to open up to one another.  

“No one said anything about a date…. Just a, uh, hangout. Yeah…. a hangout.”

“Y/n, he just met you and he’s head over heels for you already! I’m so excited for you!”

You were excited too. Way beyond excited.

—

Jaehyun said he would pick you up around nine p.m. You had just gotten back from grocery shopping and you now had a little over an hour to shower and get ready. You didn’t even know where he was taking you. 

But as you were applying your makeup and looking in your bathroom mirror, everything started shutting down on you. And you were surrounded with nothing but your own, suffocating, thoughts. You were a fraud. But Jaehyun was coming to pick you up soon, so now was not the time to think about it; or at least try not to. Fake it ‘till you make it.

When the knocking on your door signified Jaehyun's arrival, you quickly sprayed some perfume and opened up the door for him.

You were wearing a simple, spaghetti strap black dress with a slit on the side leg and a dark gray blazer with a matching bag. He looked the same as he did when you saw him this morning, except his blazer was now off of his body and he took off his tie which left him with his white button up (which he unbuttoned the first few to give him more of a casual look).

“Are you ready?”

☹ ☹ ☹

I told you I was down bad

You hate to see me like that

Two whole years had gone by and it was almost your third anniversary. Almost, as in, it was six months away. But so much can happen in a mere six months that seem to pass by so quickly. 

You were in your apartment, the same crappy apartment you lived in two years ago, crying in your sheets. Your damn thoughts were getting to the best of you again. 

And when you didn’t respond to Jaehyun’s phone calls, it was an understatement to say he was worried about you. So he drove to your apartment immediately. 

He frantically knocked on your door and almost broke it down until you came to open it, eyes still red from your tears and breath still uncontrollable. Your lover welcomed himself inside and shut the door, holding you so tight yet soft in his embrace in the doorway. He was trying to comfort you with his lips resting on your forehead and his hands carefully cradling your body.

“It’s alright, love. I’m here. Don’t cry. Please. I need you,” he repeated into your hair, rubbing your back and swaying you both side to side. But the action made you cry even more. You didn’t deserve the love he gave to you. Your head rested on his firm chest as you tried to calm down the pain.

“Angel, where are your meds? Are they in your room?” 

You nodded as best as you could as he carefully led you inside and into your bedroom. Jaehyun sat you down on your bed before grabbing a glass of water for you to take your pills. You hated relying on him so much. You hadn’t changed. But what you don’t know is that Jaehyun loved you even more than he did two years ago. He loved you because you weren’t afraid to show him such a vulnerable part of the human being you had become. Or so he thought.

You did what you had to do and he carefully pulled you into bed with him. Your head rested in the crook of his neck as he felt your hiccuping breath die down into slumber. He rubbed your back some more, hoping that it would lull you to sleep faster. 

You don’t know what you’d do if he wasn’t here. Jaehyun was your everything, as were you to him.

—

When you woke up the following morning, you were still in Jaehyun’s embrace. Slowly, you turned around to check the time and the clock read 5:43

a.m. That was why it was still dark outside. 

You turned back around to face Jaehyun and you sadly smiled at him. He worked so hard 24/7 and the purple bags under his eyes proved that. You just wished there was something you could do to help him, just like the various ways he had helped you. Jaehyun has always been there to help. From the day you two met, to this moment, Jaehyun was always your number one. 

You shifted around in his arms as he slightly groaned because of the sudden movement. 

“I’m sorry, love. Keep sleeping,” you whispered, kissing his closed eyes. He came to your house in his work clothes, though, so you were sure he was a bit uncomfortable. You walked to your wardrobe and found some folded up pajama pants he left over the other night as well as one of his gray hoodies he left ‘not on purpose.’ You gathered his clothes and walked to the bed to wake him up.

“Wake up. If you’re gonna keep sleeping, at least change, love. You’re probably all stuffy in your button up and dress pants,” you lightly shook him awake. He groaned some more before stretching his limbs and opening his eyes. You were the best thing he could ever wake up to.

Jaehyun playfully pulled the blanket over his head and managed to wrap his arms around your waist as you were sitting down beside him. You laughed at his antics and tried to free his grip on you. It failed; and you ended up wrapped under your sheets with him, his comfortable clothes still in your hands.

“What if I don’t want to change,” he challenged.

“You don’t have to,” you teased. “But it’s not going to be my fault when you complain about being uncomfortable.” 

His tight hold on you faltered for a moment before he fully released you and took off your blanket from his (and your) bodies. He released a puff and pouted his plump morning lips. The man sighed and got out of bed, taking the clothes you had in your hands and just stripping from his work clothes right then and there. 

“Aren’t you gonna change in the bathroom?” You asked, laying back down in bed. So much for getting up.

“Eyy, you know I don’t do that. I’m gonna come back into bed anyway,” he said before climbing in after you and pulling the grey sheet back onto him. As he slid into your bed, you wrapped your arms around his head as he rested himself to be held by you. Jaehyun loved being babied, especially in the early hours of the morning. It was one of the many charismatic features about him.

—

When you woke up the second time that morning, it was only nine o’clock. But Jaehyun seemed to be awake now, cooking breakfast that was sizzling from the kitchen.

Quietly, you sat on one of the stools and stared at him. He was the best thing that ever came into your life.

But why did he openly put himself in it?

You always wondered why Jaehyun stayed. It always turned into panic attacks and crying fits, but you couldn’t help it. He was a part of a completely different social status and you stood out like a sore thumb when you were next to him. It wasn’t like you were ashamed to be his girlfriend; you just thought he was ashamed to have you as his girlfriend.

He should.

There goes those thoughts again.

Unknowingly, you choked a sob which made him turn around. When he saw you, he smiled with pure adoration beaming in his eyes. God, why did he make this so hard?

He shut off the stove and walked toward you, forgetting about the breakfast he was making, it was almost done, anyway. Jaehyun wiped his hands with a towel and walked to you, cupping your face with his right hand, wiping the tear that seemed to fall from your eye.

“Why are you crying, love?” He still held the same, sweet, smile.

“…. I love you.”

He raised you from your seat and just hugged you, lips resting on the crown of your head, swaying you back and forth on the creaky floor.

“I love you more.”

“I’m sorry I’m like this,” you confessed against his chest.

But he immediately raised you from your position, to look at his, now serious, expression.

“Never apologize for something you can’t control. You say sorry all the time, peach. I love that you feel the need to say it, but you really don’t need to say it all the time. Especially in front of me. You know how much I love you, right? For being who you are?” He wiped the baby hairs away from your face. 

“You know how much I don’t care how messed up, or whatever you call it, you are, right?”

“…… Of course.”

“Then you should stop being such an amazing person. I don’t deserve you. But here I am,” he laughed, tugging you into his frame once more.

However, you still felt the need to give him the world. You still felt as though you owed him your life, he’d been your boyfriend for almost three years.

And yet you still thought that it was you who didn’t deserve him.

“Now stop crying. You know I don’t like it when you cry. Especially if it’s your damn thoughts that are eating at you.”

You love him so much.

☹ ☹ ☹

I don’t know how you look past

My stupid fucking setbacks

You said it before and you’ll say it again. You’ll say it a million more times; Jaehyun deserved more.

Sometimes, you’ll look in the crooked mirror placed in your bathroom and just think to yourself. Think about all the negatives rather than thinking about the positives. And although there are times you do think about the positives, they all end up with a wretched outcome. And then it’s negative thoughts all over again.

It’s the same routine and you’re growing sick of it. You’ve been sick of it ever since you could remember and you despise people who seem to have it easy. It just seemed as though there was no luck for you. The only luck the universe brought to you was Jaehyun. There are times, though, where you wished you never met him. He was a goddamn CEO and you were a low-class citizen. None of it just made sense.

But you loved him. It just hurts to deal with your true emotions and stow them away from your lover; because you never wanted him to watch what you were going through. Even the thought of it made you want to vomit.

Trauma just came natural to you, apparently. And you absolutely hated it. You just wished you were different, then maybe you wouldn’t feel so guilty about dating Jaehyun. Then he would truly be proud of who you are.

He was already proud of you, though. And he’s told you this a billion times. Your brain just makes you believe that he’s saying it out of pity. He’s only saying it because you’re his girlfriend. 

And the cycle continues.

—

You were spending the next couple of days at Jaehyun’s house. It was obvious he didn’t like your lifestyle and wished for you to live with him. You could never bring yourself to do it though; to always rely on him for everything that you do. You were fully aware of what you could and could not do, and you didn’t need him to help you.

Which led you to silently cry away your sorrows in his bathroom. You were taking a bath, in hopes to dial down the overwhelming emotions that engulfed you. Yet here you were, with a flushed face and puffy eyes— the aftermath of a breakdown. 

It seemed as though ever since you got into a relationship with Jaehyun, your anxiety only intensified. And that resulted in the thoughts that had been burdening your mind since the day you two met. 

Fortunately, he wasn’t home to face the pointless shenanigans that go through your head. So you had enough time to pull yourself together, take your meds, and try to meditate on the balcony that was attached to his bedroom. 

The summer nights were cool enough for you to relax your mind before Jaehyun made his way home. You were working at the orphanage the whole day and you managed to pull through the entire day without a single tear, which probably led to the bathroom-breakdown fiasco. 

The crickets had been chirping and the wind was starting to blow. That was when you heard the bedroom door open. And when Jaehyun saw the slight movement of the balcony curtains, he knew you were outside doing whatever you do best. 

Quietly, the man sighed to himself, placed his work on the side desk and undid his tie. He was finally home. He was finally with you. 

Jaehyun opened the sliding door larger than what it was and joined you in sitting on the floor with his legs crossed. At first he let out a long breath and looked out toward the yard which his bedroom was facing. Then, he got tired and shifted toward you. 

That happened all in thirty seconds.

Your eyes were still closed as you breathed in. Jaehyun lovingly smiled at you and kissed the side of your head.

“I missed you today, angel,” he broke the silence. 

You opened your eyes and shifted your body to face him.

“You say that every day,” you chuckled and played with his fingers. A habit of yours that Jaehyun absolutely adored.

“And it’s always true. I can't wait for the day I get to see you every time I come home.” You felt more guilty that he had the need to say that. And you knew he meant nothing harmful, he was just a caring person and didn’t want you living the life you had. You were better off living with him.

But you joked, “You will. For the next three days. And then I’m off home.”

He groaned and layed back on the cold floor. “Don’t remind me. I want to cherish the time we have now.”

You laughed once more. He was acting as if he didn’t come to see you practically every day. Sometimes, he’ll even leave his job just to come see you at the orphanage. 

“Eyy, quit saying that. I’m still here. You come by all the time. Sometimes twice a day. You’ll get sick of me soon, I can guarantee. I don’t know how you put up with me all these years.”

Although you were (partially) joking, Jaehyun sat right up from his prior position and looked at you with his pout and furrowed brows. 

“What do you mean, peach? I could and would never get sick of seeing you. Don’t say that.” You were shocked to see him react that way.

You slightly snickered at him and said, “I was joking, love. I’m sorry,” you leaned your head closer to his and placed a little kiss on his lips, to make him sort of forgive you for saying that. 

“You better be. I don’t know what I’d do without you, peach,” he kissed back. And pecked your lips repeatedly, several times. 

The actions made you laugh out loud and slightly push him away. Jaehyun loved being the reason why there was the brightest smile on your face. So he quietly smiled as your eyes crinkled because of him.

He suggested that you two wash up. However, you already told him you bathed before he came home. And like a child, he groaned and went into the bathroom himself. But he made you promise to wait for him tomorrow. You agreed, because he was your little baby. 

As he was in the shower, you cuddled your way into his bed sheets and blanket. The lights were now dimmed and all you were doing was waiting for him to get out of the shower. Hopefully he would be able to beat the slumber that easily pulled you in. 

The warmness of the blanket, though, soothed you to sleep and Jaehyun was unable to defeat the unfortunate slumber that casted over you. It was a shame since he wanted to talk to you; ask about your day and what you did. He’d grown used to the look of your puffy eyes, and he knew you’d been crying. He knew you were having a moment the minute he stepped onto the patio. Because the only time you would sit out there was if something was bothering you.

Being the amazing person he was, left you alone, and didn’t ask about what you clearly didn’t want to talk about. He believed that you would open up to him when you were ready. You’ve already opened up to him so much, but nothing would stop him from worrying about you. 

Once he got out of the shower and towel-dried his hair, he placed the wet towel in the basket and climbed into bed next to you, immediately clinging to your fatigued figure. God, he would give you the entire world. Jaehyun turned around and shut off the lamp on his side of the bed (yours was already turned off) and hugged you against him, his breath soon evening out to match yours. 

And fast asleep he was.

—

The following morning, Jaehyun was awakened with your fingers threaded in his hair and his face squished against your chest. He managed to stretch some parts of his limbs whilst still, practically, laying on top of you. 

“Good morning, angel,” he said in his morning voice, “I’m not going into work today.”

As a CEO, you’d expect him to take care of himself (with Jaehyun being his own boss and all) but you didn’t expect him to say he wasn’t going in. Not that you minded, you’d much rather spend the day with him but Jaehyun was a hard-working man, and he rarely took days off. 

“I’m not going in for the next three days either. It’s been a while since I took a day or two off.”

“Yeah, but you’re taking four days off, including today. Are you sure you want to do that?”

He was taken aback for a moment. Did you not want to spend time with him anymore?

“There’s nothing wrong with me taking four days off. You appreciate it, no?” He said in the littlest voice which instantly made you regret what you said.

“No, no, no. Oh, I’m sorry my love, I didn’t mean to make you upset. It’s just that you’re so busy with work and it’s just me so you don’t have to-” you rambled.

“And that’s where I’m gonna stop you. You know how much you mean to me, so of course I’m gonna take these days off to spend as much time with you as I can. The company's getting a little busier with a new launch around the corner but I’m sure they’ll be able to survive without me for a few days,” he retaliated.

You sighed, still feeling like an asshole for wording the sentence the way you did. God, could you do anything to make him happy? It felt as though everything you said and everything you did could never satisfy him. Of course, those were just your thoughts.

Jaehyun was happy that you cared about his job, but what he wanted you to realize the most is how much he wanted to be with you. Whatever it was, spending time with you is the best remedy he could ever ask for. 

Just why is he never sick of you and your words? You’re sure he would be with how rude you, unintentionally, were to him. 

☹ ☹ ☹

When you opened up the door

You let me in when you should have your guard up

Thinking back to the time you finally let Jaehyun crawl through your walls— when he’d let down his walls way before you— the constant feeling of regret and pain constantly filled you. Whether or not the glass was half-full or half-empty, it was always just half. There was never a certain hundred percent yet Jaehyun took his time in letting you trust him as Jeong Yoon Oh. 

Thinking back to the time you first met Jaehyun himself, he somehow couldn’t process the red-flag you were oh-so not afraid to show while you were inebriated. He thought you were cute, and the words you were spilling from your mouth, conscious or not, made him feel sort of protective over you. And he didn’t even know you.

It was about ten a.m. when the two of you got out of bed. Ever since the conversation earlier, the air has just been tense. At least for you. You’re sure Jaehyun probably hadn’t felt anything but your brain was constantly playing tricks on you, and this could be one of them.

Your lover is in the bathroom now, as you’re sitting on the bed staring into space with your thoughts locked into your brain. You should apologize. Of course, you want him to stay home with you, but he plays an important role in the economy and in his industry that you can’t help but feel bad for keeping him away from what he loves doing most.

Resting against the headboard, you turn your head toward the bathroom door that was being opened. He walks through and sits back in his spot next to you, although his body is fully facing yours.

“I’m sorry about earlier. I just… I don’t want to keep you here if you have a lot to prepare for your launch,” you sighed and rubbed your eyes.

He laughed, but the feeling of hurt lingered a bit in his eyes as he held the utmost respect to you. “You don’t have to apologize, my love. It’s completely okay. And if they need help, they have my number and it’ll all get fixed with a simple phone call, alright?” He used his right hand to cup your face, rubbing the pad of his thumb against the surface of your cheeks. 

You bit your lip in hesitation but you stopped when Jaehyun leaned down and kissed away the bad habit he always noticed you had. 

“Let’s make breakfast, yeah?” He whispered against your lips, giving you the biggest puppy eyes ever. You laughed and kissed him one more time before going into the bathroom to get ready for whatever the day was going to bring. 

—

Breakfast was absolutely lovely. As it always is whenever you’re with Jaehyun. But for some reason, this morning’s just hit so different.

Today, though, you planned on going to the orphanage just as a surprise visit. Truly, it was your home. Your second home (if you considered Jaehyun.) 

“Well, I was planning on getting goodie bags for the kids but… I don’t think I’m gonna. We can just spend the day there,” you were telling him all the things you wanted to do today and the things you wanted to do for the kids there but you were having trouble deciding what to actually do.

“Nah, we can go to the grocery and buy them goodies,” he abruptly said as if it was no problem. Realistically there was no problem. Except you. 

“But-”

“No buts. I haven’t seen them in a while, so just consider it a gift from me. Now, let’s finish our food and get some snacks for the kiddos,” he put his plate in the sink as you sighed in adoration (and maybe a little in guilt.)

Grocery shopping with Jaehyun was like grocery shopping with a child. And it was good, because he picked out snacks he thought the children would like, as well as treat bags to put them in. He was a child at heart although he portrayed a stoic and successful CEO.

The two of you sat in his car for an hour in the Warm Hearts Orphanage parking lot packing juices and snacks and candy into the bags before finally walking through the front door. 

One of the staff members had seen you and happily greeted the two of you as you walked into the main entrance to the room the kids spent the most. Upon your arrival, all of the children shouted in happiness, greeting you with hugs and questions of the bags that were placed in a cardboard box that Jaehyun was holding.

Giving them out and spending time with them truly warmed your heart as they played the whole day long with Jaehyun. 

He was so fond of children and your entire being melts with the sight of him playing with them and catching them up on his launch. 

Something about it was heartwarming yet bittersweet. 

You don’t know how long you could last anymore.

☹ ☹ ☹

What a painful back and forth, oh

Today was just not a good day. For you and for Jaehyun. He called you in the morning and said he was going to visit you at your apartment when he was done in the office. 

Only problem was, it was twelve in the morning when he walked through the door with the extra key you gave him. Your apartment was quiet, excluding the yelling from the thin walls of whichever neighbor. 

For the first time since he’s met you, this was the first time he’d actually noticed every little detail about your apartment. From the stained walls to the crack in your window. He felt like he wanted to cry. Jaehyun didn’t want you living like this anymore, that was the truth. And he knew you worked two jobs before committing to the orphanage. He also knew you were never able to pursue college. No amount of scholarships you were given could afford the ungodly university tuition.

And just as he was about to suck up the water forming in his eyes, you walked out of your room, fully awake. You stopped and called out his name. But the ringing in his ears only got louder. And soon he broke down into tears.

You were completely shocked. It was midnight and you didn’t think he would come over because it was so late. But now he’s here, and you don’t know how long he has been standing there, breaking down right in front of you.

“Hey, hey, hey. What’s wrong, angel?” you held him in your grasp as his tears kept coming down.

“Why are you crying? Please tell me, my love,” you pleaded, voice cracking. In the three years you’d known Jaehyun, he was never one to cry. Not one tear. He wouldn’t ever tear up either. So seeing him like this, vulnerable, was both shocking as it is confusing. 

“I just…” he sobbed, “I just love you so much. Please don’t ever leave me. I don’t know what I’d do without you.” To you, he wasn’t making much sense but he was still valid to have these thoughts. Some people have their off days and you guessed this was his.

“Of course not, Yoon Oh.” He cried harder, somehow pulling you even closer than before, his head still hiding in the shadows of your neck.

Moments passed by before he finally lifted his head up. He looked so ethereal though he was covered in tears and the image in front of you made you want to cry yourself. 

“You’re okay. I’m right here,” you cupped his face with both of your hands, wiping away the tears on his cheek with your thumbs. He does the same to you, although you’re not crying.

“I want you with me forever,” he whispered, searching through your eyes as if he doesn’t know you like the back of his hand.

“I’ll be here.”

You don’t know if you’re lying to him with the response. But only time can tell whether the guilt forever residing in your heart gets the best of you and inevitably, to the best of him. But he’ll get over it right? He’s Jeong Jaehyun after all.

—

You’re now laying side by side on your bed. He is being cradled in your arms as he continues to calm down in the drowsiness of the late hours of the night.

“I’m sorry about breaking down earlier. I just… I don’t know, I just felt super overwhelmed all of a sudden I guess,” he lifted his head up to look at your moonlit face.

You shook your head and stroked his hair. “Don’t apologize. You deal with me all the time,” you dryly chuckled.

“Because I know what you go through… But thank you,” he rubbed your back.

“For what?”

“For being there for me when I need you most. I really appreciate it…” he trailed off for a moment, “I really appreciate you.”

“Please…” he continued, “Come live with me.” 

You don’t know if it was sympathy, pity, pure love, or all of the above. But Jaehyun was very much aware that he could treat you like a queen. Which he already does, and that makes you all the more hesitant.

“You know that-” you’re cut off.

“I know. I know you refuse to but please. You’re my entire world, Y/n. I can’t even explain to you in words how much you and your entire existence means to me,” he’s desperate now. So desperate to finally have all of you. So, so desperate to watch you flourish into the beautiful bouquet he knows you are.

You sigh and continue to wrap your arms around his broad shoulders. “I’ll think about it.”

But the both of you knew the true meaning behind those words. Yet neither of you can say a word.

☹ ☹ ☹

It’s hard to ignore all of my problems

You couldn’t even count all of the imperfections and impurities that you had hiding within yourself. So much so, that you seem to project those imperfections onto the people around you. To the people that you love.

And sure, they might not notice them— ignore them, in fact— but they are clearly written out right in front of you and they don’t ever seem to go away. Which is probably why they say ‘you are your greatest enemy.’ It was true.

Yet of course, these thoughts had to swarm your mind at the grocery store. Grocery shopping, for crying out loud. With Jaehyun and with bunches of people who are too nosey to not look at you and not whisper to themselves as to why you are crying. 

With the shopping cart full, Jaehyun pulls it over to the side so as to not create traffic, and pulls you closer to him by your arms. 

He pushes the hair out of your face and leans down to see you. All of you.

“What’s wrong, my love?” He shushes you and wipes the tears off your cheeks.

This was absolutely terrible. Even the most domestic and everyday tasks were a hassle. And you felt like you were burdening Jaehyun in the busy market that only the wealthiest people had shopped at (since you were staying over Jaehyun’s again for a few days.) 

“Nothing, it’s- I’m okay,” you sucked in a breath and wiped your tears before looking up at him to meet his worried gaze.

“Are you sure?” He squinted his eyes.

You took in another breath before nodding.

“One hundred percent sure?” He patted your flyaway hairs down. You nodded again.

“I need words, angel. To make sure you’re okay. Really okay.”

“I’m okay, I promise,” you try to give him your best smile.

He only responds with the softest kiss to your forehead. 

“I need you to be with me,” he whispered against your skin.

“I am. One thousand percent. I’m okay,” you whispered back, now getting self conscious of the scene of you and Jaehyun canoodling in a grocery store on a Wednesday at eleven a.m.

He believed you, however the rest of the shopping trip went by slowly, awkwardly, and quietly.

You wished you could change the way you think. 

☹ ☹ ☹

Cause I'm no good (Ooh), you could do better (Ooh)

You should walk out, it's now or never

Ninety-nine percent of couples argue. Those statistics are completely true. No matter how often or how little, couples everywhere have their fair share of fights.

You and Jaehyun are one of those couples that rarely fight. Today, however, had not been very good to the both of you. Stress, anxiety, and more stress were eating at the both of you and now it landed you here. Just great.

“I don’t need you constantly taking care of me! I’m perfectly fine on my own!” You shouted toward him.

“Clearly you’re not if you break down every other day! I just want you to be okay,” he lets go and sits on one of the chairs in the living room. His face is hiding in his hands as he feels the anger and disappointment run through his brain.

Noticing this reaction, you sigh and furrow your eyebrows. It’s silent for a fleeting moment. “Why? You know I’ll be okay.”

You sit on the couch, opposite of the black leather chair Jaehyun is sitting in. 

“I know how much you’re hurting. And I don’t ever want you to feel those terrible feelings ever again. I want to be here for you and I want you to know that I want to be here for you. Can't you understand?”

It isn’t too much after he let out those words that you feel the tears fill up the sockets of your eyes and the void of the room. The walls that had now captured the two lovers screaming at each other now hear the abundant silence between them.

“I can't give you anything. You do so much for me and I’m just here.”

“I don’t care. No materialistic thing could ever compare to you just being here with me.” He gets up and sits next to you, making sure you know he’s with you the entire way.

“But it’s not enough.”

“Yes it is, Y/n. And I don't know what else to say to get through that thick head of yours. I love you for being you. And I love you for accepting me for who I am, not who I need to be. I don't need you to offer me anything besides your love.”

“That's the thing. I can only offer you my love.”

“I don’t care! Y/n, you need to realize how much you affect me. And I can't let you go around saying those words because they hurt me. It genuinely hurts me to hear those words.”

“…. I'm sorry.”

“Y/n, you truly don’t know how much you help those around you?”

It was silent for a moment.

“You work in a damn orphanage, for crying out loud! For fun. And it just makes me appreciate you. Appreciate how much you enjoy the happiness of other people. It’s all I could ever ask for.” He wiped the tears falling from your eyes.

“Please don’t cry. I just need you to know how much I love you. Why can't you see that? Do you not love me anymore?”

With zero hesitation, you released his hand from your face and stood up, “No! Don’t say that! Of course I still love you!”

“… it’s just that…”

“Don’t even say it, Y/n.”

The gloomy night has come to an end. And yet Jaehyun will not— will never— leave you behind. 

☹ ☹ ☹

Gonna regret being too honest

Callin' it love, but this isn’t fallin'

It’s the following morning. It is truly a gloomy morning, in fact. The rain was slowly pouring, the wind was rustling against the trees, and the upcoming fog coming from the ocean was painting the neighborhood.

The minute you woke up in Jaehyun’s arms, you remembered the fight the night prior. And, God, did you feel like an absolute ass.

Could this be it? It’s been three years and yet the question still lingers. Just why? It seems as though you bring him so much pain and yet he has chosen nothing but enduring the repercussions of your wrath.

You gradually regained the strength to get up and without a minute to spare, you quietly escaped out of Jaehyun’s protective arms to make breakfast. Some sort of remedy to help heal the pain of last night's argument.�� 

You sat on one of the island chairs waiting for the food to cook in the oven. Slowly but surely, you were once again trapped in your thoughts. Were you being too harsh? Were you being too honest? Were you actually enough to be with the most amazing man on planet Earth? 

All of these questions were paused by the padding of feet coming into the kitchen. You look up at him, not expecting anyone else. And in his dazed glory, Jeong Yoon Oh was still the most precious human being that had ever entered your existence.

“I’m sorry,” is the first thing you’re able to say before finally crying. Crying the waves of emotions that you felt the night before yet did not physically show.

He didn’t say a single word. He didn’t have to. All he did was take you in his embrace and whispered apologies and sweet nothings into your ears. The rest of the morning went by with stuffy noses and quiet munches.

—

“I’m sorry about last night,” you apologized once again, sitting on the bed watching him get ready through the mirror.

“It’s okay. I’m sorry too. I just want you to know that you can lean on me. You’ve been able to lean on me for years now…. I didn’t mean to yell but desperate times call for desperate measures,” says Jaehyun.

“But I'm not desperate at all, you know that.”

“Yes but don’t you know I’m so desperate for you?” 

[tinnietina]

You know what, everything can go fuck itself!!!!!

I'm not really feeling good in my head space right now, so here's the quarter life crisis rant

This will get Heavy

IM TRANS! I'm heavily closeted and no one outside of tumblr knows, I'm so terrible scared that ill fuck up so many things in my life if I come out. I've don't nothing to allude to this, on the outside I'm just look like an overweight man, and I don't even know if I'm fetishising being a trans person or if this is all imposter syndrome, I've been through life already suffering the harshness of being the odd guy in life, do I really want to add the odd transwoman

I'm not gonna say that ireland as a whole is phobic but it's not super progressive either, But it's soo small in terms of the nerdy, queer spaces, I know I could come out in those spaces but it's everywhere else that is the problem,

My work has already shown, they don't really care about inclusiveness, it just slaps a woman in a promotional picture and says "look were not just a male dominated field" and I just know that if I came out I'd be the token trans that's wheeled out to showcase this inclusiveness.

My family always say they love me but everytime I've done something outside of cis normative, they will say something. Eg: for last pride I was invited out with coworker and her friends, I had some purple hair wax, so I walk out to the kitchen and my dad says "aren't you afraid people will thing your fruity" like THANK YOU FOR THE GUT PUNCH.

I always dreamed of moving away from family and I could then explore more about myself, but now that I'm moving out with 3 of my friends, I'm feeling this fear that I'm not gonna express myself, that if they find out I'll make thing super awkward and ruin the friendship we're built up.

I've never really had many friend growing up, (poor mental health and myself having bad social skills and don't pick up on socials questions well), had lead to a distrust of people, that everyone is just being nice to my just to humiliate me when it suits them during my teenage years,

So thinking that there is a possibility however low will cause them to leave terrifies me.

I'm sorry that this is such a heavy read I'm just don't know if I should come out or just keep it underraps

[ad1thi]

tagged by: @lovelyirony (im sorry it took me this long to get to it). 

1. Name 4 fictional characters who showcase your personality the best, with explanations if you want.

Naina Talwar, YJHD: i don’t think you can find a character that more closely remembers me, except that i have an extremely sharp tongue and my shyness is constantly warring with my desire to always speak up. Bookish ✅ well meaning but extremely strict parents ✅ didn’t have a lot of friends at school ✅ was largely known for her marks ✅ desperate desire to break out of her monotonous life and go on an adventure ✅ 

Stiles Stilinski, Teen Wolf: my life is a constant ping-pong between being Stiles and wanting to f*** Stiles. extremely sarcastic ✅ intelligent but rarely applies themselves to the task at hand ✅ suffers from imposter syndrome ✅ would die for their friends ✅ is attracted to people who could snap them in half ✅

Ten, Doctor Who: i was having this discussion with someone recently, but - apart my love for David Tennant - the reason Ten resonated with me so much was because of how much i understood him; the way he never forgave himself and constantly carried around this massive looming self hatred but still tried to absolve him, knowing full well that he could never forgive himself. also he cries all the time and bitch me too tf

Rosa Diaz, Brooklyn 99: okay so i get that this might surprise some people but hear me out: she thrives off maintaining an aloof, terrifying exterior, has a kink for being mysterious and will do damn near anything to main an illusionary peace with her parents to the point that she was more willing to let her parents think she was dating Jake than she was ready to admit that she was bisexual, but the minute her parents revealed their internalised biphobia she got so incensed that she broke that peace just to stand up for her truth and what she thought was right

2. Aesthetic

iced coffee, oversized clothes, black nail-polish and the smell of nicotine. (does that count as an aesthetic?) 

3. Favorite musical/play? (If you’ve never seen a musical or play, one you’d be interested in seeing?)

Mamma Mia

4. What is the best compliment you’ve ever received?

i don’t know i have terrible memory. im quite vain tho, i love superficial compliments about my appearance. 

5. How many times have you been in love?

once.

6. Embarrassing story or fact about yourself that makes you laugh now?

my lack of self-esteem could never

7. Favorite Disney/Pixar movie?

the Lion King trilogy is one that always comes to mind when i get asked questions along this vein

8. Favorite flower or plant?

i have hay-fever me and flowers don’t vibe

9. What’s your favorite holiday?

i love the vibe that Dussehra has, but im also extremely fond of Diwali. 

10. Name three things that made you laugh or smile this past week.

this series that i discovered today, the palak paneer that i ate for dinner today, and a video edit of my future husband 

11. What song would you play to introduce yourself to someone?

Where You From by Riz Ahmed (a must listen for anyone in the south asian diaspora). and Halsey’s entire discography 

12. Name something that truly makes you feel peaceful even at your most stressed moments.

my bestfriend, LRP sometimes sends me voice-notes of her singing. that makes me feel at peace

13. What do you, did you, or would you study at college?

i study Law

14. This is kind of a weird one, but which outfit of yours makes you feel most like yourself?

an oversized hoodie and ratty shorts

15. What is a quote you live by?

i’ve never rly put much stock in other people’s words, so you’ll find this answer will change everytime someone asks me for it. i do particularly like if you’re going through hell - keep going. 

16. Name the funniest playlist name you have.

all of my playlists are emojis rn but i used to have one called “ ” when i was younger

17. Make a reference to an inside joke you have with someone you love with zero context.

Young Volcano

18. What is a message you would give your younger self if given the chance?

at the end of the day, you never rly needed anybody but yourself. those people who you relied on, who you thought you needed like you need air or water?? they’re not here anymore but guess what - you’re still standing. you’re still here. 

19. Who is your favorite family member? (If you have no good blood family members, feel free to mention someone in your found family)

my maternal grandmother

20. What’s a secret dream of yours?

i don’t know if you can count it as secret but i want to have that sort of life-affirming love that they write about

//

i don’t know how many people have done this because i rly left it to the last minute so: @iam93percentstardust, @rxmanoff, @spiderrpcrker, @omg-just-peachy, @firebrands , @starkrogerrs (i rly hope im not tagging anyone who’s already done this)

[pochacco]

hi feel free to ignore this i just really like reading ur thoughts on things.. have you ever experienced feeling a lot of envy toward someone you're friends with? im going thru this rn & i hate it it feels like ive drunk poison. no matter how much i try to.. process the emotion so it can go away it doesnt & i feel so guilty. i guess this happens bc this person & i are a bit too similar so it feels like a one sided competition.. idk! i wanna stop being bitter & hateful i feel like an awful person

aw thank u!!! and yes i have. i think one of my biggest flaws i am aware of is being very envious of people. even people i am friends with/have been in a relationship with! i don’t think being close to someone really makes us exempt from feeling envy towards them when we feel someone is getting something or experiencing success in a way we have not. and ultimately there are two things i have realized. 1) envy is something humans experience- we’ve all experienced it at one point or another, from the smallest things (someone having a tangible object we want) to the biggest things (someone being ahead in their career while we’re struggling to figure out where we want to be in life). it’s inevitable that we experience this feeling, but how we deal with it and react to it is the most important thing. 2) envy and jealousy don’t just come out of nowhere. they are not feelings that exist on their own tree; they are the branch of one. envy and jealousy are a sign of feelings of inferiority and insecurity. it is ultimately something that stems from our own insecurities of what we do not have or where we feel we are not in life (that we feel we should be). and a lot of the time, these insecurities are faulty- we are envious of other people’s beauty when we have our own, envious of people’s talent when we are talented ourselves. and thinking about it, i feel as if this could be linked to imposter syndrome (which many people suffer from, thinking they are not worthy of their own successes), and therefore believing that they are missing out on what other people are achieving. ultimately, i think improving on feelings of envy are about recognizing it within ourselves as a fault, then working on ourselves- gaining self confidence, recognizing your own importance as a being and the value you put into the world by being alive, and i think just as important, recognizing that we are all on our own roads to success. we all have different timings for when we will achieve things that other people may be getting Right Now. there is no correct time for finishing something, for achieving something, and i think unfortunately a lot of people feel envy for people achieving things ahead of time because we’re taught from a young age that things have some kind of odd time limit. when in actuality you are going at the right pace for YOU and that is all that matters. please be kind to yourself and recognize that many people have bad thoughts, but the way we operate with them and recognize these things as “bitter” or “hateful” is the most important. having the self awareness to smack a thought down and say, “ew, that was judgmental” is taking that first instinct, the one ingrained within us from whatever we have experienced or whatever insecurities we face, and saying “i know better than that now”. i am not the best at giving advice when it comes to gaining confidence, but know you have worth and beauty as an individual, especially in the choices you make day to day, and other people’s success is not a sign of your failure!

[jeannereames]

Hello, Dr. Reames! I love your work (and am very excited to read your novels very soon!). I am thinking of doing a phd (not history or classics, but maybe sort of related to Alexander) but I'm scared that I'm not going to have the motivation to go through with the whole thing... Do you ever lose motivation and get discouraged when researching/writing and how do you deal with it? I know that this is completely unrelated to Alexander/ancient history so feel free to ignore it☺

Hi, there! This reply is going to be in 3 parts. First, about my own motivation…

I think everybody (even Alexander!) has periods of feeling discouraged. It’s part of being human. This is especially true when something you put days, weeks, or sometimes *years* of effort into doesn’t work out, or isn’t well-received, or comes back with “revise and resubmit.” Ha.

So, real life recent example:  About a year and a half ago, I finished an article that took me (literally) 5 years to research and write, because it combined research into two different areas, only one of which is my research area. It took a huge amount of reading, and I’d even presented it at a couple of conferences, where I received good feedback. It was supposed to be published in conference proceedings, but that fell through (not my part of it, the entire publication didn’t happen because the editor quit). So I had to shop it around to journals. It went out to three readers, and all three returned it with “Revise (substantially) and resubmit,” + large *additional* bibliography (mostly not in English) in the area not my field. Two of the readers thought my chief point was valid, but needed more support. (The third just flat disagreed with me, but it’s academia; that happens.) But that was after it had been presented 3xs already, and revised after each.

OTOH, I was pretty discouraged. But OTOH, the suggestions and reading lists were helpful. These are blind reviews, so it wasn’t personal. And the entire point of peer review is to help a book or article improve. Lord knows, nobody wants to put out something that will get you laughed at. But after all the time I’d already spent on it, it was still really discouraging as I’d thought it in pretty good shape.

Almost everybody in academia is going to have an article or three turned down, or a book refused, etc. And after a while, it can be really hard to keep trying. And it’s not just in academia.

Do you know how long it took me to sell Dancing with the Lion? 15 years! I got my first serious query from an agent in 1996. (The first words of the novel were written in December of 1988–that’s how old it is.) That agent eventually decided it wasn’t for her. I’ve had a couple others since…same thing. I’ve sent out probably around 500 queries to agents or publishers. In fact, I’d put the book AWAY and started a completely different trilogy (which I’m in the middle of now), because I figured it would only sell later.

Then I happened to read comments about Madeline Miller’s A Song for Achilles written by an English professor and new acquisitions editor at Riptide. She liked it, but there were a couple of things she really didn’t like. And they were the very ways (I thought) my novel was different. So I emailed her. She asked for sample chapters, then the whole thing, and finally, Riptide offered me a contract. They’re not a major press, they’re a Romance publisher primarily, but they were willing to take a chance on my coming-of-age historical, so I grabbed the opportunity. Now the book is out (well, the first half is), and it’s getting pretty decent reviews.

So persistence can pay off.

That said, if someone else had told me that story 10 years ago, I’d have snorted and said (in my mind), “Maybe it did for you. Maybe I’m just a bad writer and I’ll never succeed.” I’d also just been through a divorce and was having trouble selling my house in the housing bust, etc., etc. So a lot of things in my life were pear-shaped at the time, and that can make it really hard to keep trudging.

The “Dark Night of the Soul” is a real thing, and we all go through it.

The only way I get through it, myself, is to remember things in the past that went well, times I succeeded. Plus, I’m just a really stubborn SOB. Ha.

But discouragement is normal, and there will be points in everybody’s life where not just one or two things are going wrong, but it seems as if EVERYthing is going wrong and you’re just a total failure. You have to believe it’ll get better.

Now, part #2, about motivation to complete a degree. It’s a bit like the AA motto: one day at a time. Or really, one semester at a time. One hurdle at a time. When I first got to Penn State, the long, long road ahead made me freak out a little, but Gene Borza (my advisor) told me to take it in bites. And to remember that other people had made it through; I could, as well.

Also, don’t let yourself get thrown by “Imposter’s Syndrome.” This is the feeling that you don’t belong somewhere: in grad school, in a PhD program, in a department (or really, ANY arena). You’re not as good as the others. Minorities, women, and first-generation college students are those most likely to suffer imposter’s syndrome, but it can hit others too, such as the children of academics (I’ll never measure up to mom/dad), etc.

Last, part #3, and this may seem an odd coda to all the above rah-rah cheerleading. But as a (now former) graduate program chair, I would be terribly remiss if I didn’t put out a warning.

Not only is the field of humanities in trouble right now, in the US and Canada, and elsewhere, too, but the entire university system is changing. This latter is especially true in the US, but I hear rumblings from other places. Partly, this owes to the rise of online education. But even more, it’s what I call the “Wal-martization” of the university, where tenure-track lines are being replaced by a bunch of part-time instructors who have to teach 6 classes just to make enough to EAT. “Adjunct” professors, even those with PhDs, are paid a pittance. It’s absolutely immoral and ridiculous.

Universities are turning into profit more than education, with a degree seen as “job training” instead of learning to think critically and exploring Big Questions, which are increasingly viewed as a waste of time. Administration levels are increasingly bloated with deans, assistant deans, supervisory boards, etc. They’re (mostly) not teaching, but their paycheques are high. Tenured faculty positions are being eliminated. Colleges and unis realized that they could turn over a lot of (especially intro and survey) courses to part-time instructors for a *fraction* of what they paid tenured and tenure-track faculty, but still reap high tuition.

When I was finishing up in the ‘90s, I was teaching as an adjunct while writing my dissertation, then for a bit after, as was expected for “teaching experience” before being hired. The phenomenon of the “Visiting Assistant Professor” (or VAP) was *starting* to gain traction, but was still usually just a year or two until these people would find a tenure-track position (VAP is not tenure-track). But now, I know people who’ve been VAPping for YEARS. And some just give up. Also, adjuncting like what I was doing has gone from “teaching experience for a real job” into “the only lane for employment” for a lot of PhD (and some MA) graduates. Especially women PhDs get caught in that trap.

These are the realities of where we are right  now.

And THE MOST USELESS DEGREE ON THE PLANET is a PhD in the humanities. I say that as one who holds it. With a few exceptions, a humanities PhD prepares you for pretty much one job: being a professor. And those jobs are winking out of existence with frightening speed. This is a change that has accelerated over the last 10 years, and especially over the last 5. We’re turning out PhDs with no available positions. Museum studies, Classics, archaeology, philosophy are in even worse shape. SOME history PhDs are more popular. This year, H-Net has a bunch of Latin American positions open, for instance.

An MA in history (or related) is still useful. There are certain jobs that like them, ranging from state jobs like the Park Service to the FBI and CIA.

But a PhD? Think loooooong and hard before investing that time and money. This is not a matter of *you* not being able to do the work to get one. It’s a matter of the university system as we’ve known it crumbling away under our very feet. I have no idea what the American university will look like in 10 years. And once you have a PhD, it educates you out of most other jobs.

So that’s the unfortunate bad news. And I’d be a very irresponsible advisor if I didn’t tell you the truth. IME, people who really want a PhD will ignore me and go after it anyway. But at least you’ll go in with your eyes open.

[riffrcffed-a]

NAME :  Ro ! NICKNAME : Ro ! FACECLAIM :  myself.

PRONOUNS : She/her or they/them ! HEIGHT :  5′2″ lmao BIRTHDAY :  August ! AESTHETIC :   i have a lot of aesthetics idk i want to look like a cute pastel kid but i also want boys to immediately know i’m a punk lesbian so? hm LAST  SONG  YOU  LISTENED  TO :  Epic I - Hadestown  FAVORITE  MUSE (S)  YOU’VE  WRITTEN : Honestly the longest lasting muse I’ve had has been Al, and he’s honestly probably my favorite? But I did write Luke Skywalker for a while, and I have to say that I really enjoyed writing him as well.

* GETTING  TO  KNOW  THE  ACCOUNT :

WHAT  INSPIRED  YOU  TO  TAKE  ON  THIS  MUSE : I’ve loved Aladdin since I was about four years old. I once asked the Disney actor to marry me. It’s been a really amazing thing to write him, because when I used to daydream about this sort of thing and writing stories I never imagined I would be doing it for real? so I imagine that younger me would be so happy. WHAT  ARE  YOUR  FAVORITE  ASPECTS  OF  YOUR  CURRENT  MUSE :  I think that a lot of it has to do with the unwilling optimism that he has? He’s always looking on the bright side even when he doesn’t particularly want to, and I think that’s actually a super important lesson for me to learn and something to understand in general. He’s a really hopeful muse, which is always a bit of a challenge to write but also a big reason why I love to write him. WHAT’S  YOUR  BIGGEST  INSPIRATION  WHEN  IT  COMES  TO  WRITING :  Oh definitely replies, discussions in IMs, that sort of thing. Without that stuff it’s just sort of me shouting into the void (which, though entirely possible for me to do, is much less fun adjfkasfjs) FAVORITE  TYPES  OF  THREADS :  It’s tied between hurt / comfort and angst (particularly with romance I think?). I adore when things are like, cute and fluffy, but also Aladdin’s a brat and deserves to suffer asdhlHLDKAS BIGGEST  STRUGGLE  IN  REGARDS  TO  YOUR  CURRENT  MUSE : Uhhh this is a good question? Before I would have said imposter syndrome, but I think I’m doing a really good job regarding that sort of thinking? I think right now for me it’s ensuring I don’t fall into a pattern when replying, i.e. making sure that whenever I respond to threads I keep them separate from one another. Aladdin is a super rounded character in my mind and it’s taken me a really long time to fully understand his characterization? And I think sometimes I get into these ruts regarding that where I sort of reply to a bunch of things very similarly, which is bleg kadhkaskf

Tagged by the loml @itsybitsyparker Tagging: @princesscoded @agrababa @telegion and anyone else who wants to do this !

[dunkelgedanken12]

im ok

I suffer immensely with imposter syndrome in many ways.  I feel like I don’t deserve my accomplishments because I don’t think I’ve worked hard for them.  I also have it with the mental health issue: I know deep inside I do have bipolar disorder but since I am not clinically diagnosed I really can’t seem to be honest with people about that.  I also feel it in partaking substances.  Am I really drunk right now or am I faking it to seem cool or like I’m not a stuck up bitch.  I’ve never had this much to drink before in one sitting and I feel absolutely trashed but I’m still conscious of my own decisions so am I really drunk or am I drunk on social interaction?  

{redacted} also told me that I’m very standoffish and that’s okay because I feel like for a long time that’s what I wanted people to see me as but it made me feel shittt because I have worked so hard to change my personality to match one’s I find attractive to be around so the fact that someone still sees me as unapproachable is kinda of news to me.  I dunno I’m laying in bed drunk asf (at least I’m pretty sure) and I cannot ducking sleep because I’m either drunk or manic or both and my mind is going 1000 miles a minute and reverything I’m feels so fast and I dunno if I’m even gonna wake up tomorrow because I don’t trust myself to drink but because I’m manic and I did my blood sugars are probably fucked and yeah idk if I’ll even wake up tomorrow.

 But that’s fine because this was the best night I’ve had in the foreseeable past and I’m super lucky to have the friends I do and I love them a lot and I’m glad that I feel safe because i never feel safe to be myself around anyone and I’ve convinced myself if I don’t act like I think I should that I’m not loveable and someone people want to be around so I’ve created this mold of what I think I should be like when I’m in social situations and I’m trying to finally let that go but I’m also thinking maybe I just can’t be myself unless I’m 100 percent completely alone and my life has revolved around this for 20 years and it’s all I’ve ever known so I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to just me myself.  And that goes back to imposter syndrome because I don’t even know who I am and maybe this is who I am but I always feel different and out of touch with who I am and what I want and I cling so desperately to things that make me feel like I know how to be.  But what if it’s all fake? If one day I lose my friends and meet new ones with different values and ideals then is that what I’ll be?  

Am i spiraling lol 

Reading what I just said is making me tear up because of the love I have for the people who make me feel safe and also because I’m a very messed up person deep inside and I’m startling to realize I’m not the one to save myself because how can I be drowning and also cast my own life jacket? It’s a spiral that’ll never end and I keep saying it’s fine and I’m fine and everything is fine but I’m just getting hypothermia from this fucking water while I’m staying above.  I can breathe. But I’m not noticing that the sharks have eaten my legs and I’m numb from the waist down and nothing is making sense I feel so fucking out of it typing this I’ll probably forget that I even wrote it but for now this is all I can think about and i haven’t found a way to articulate what I’ve been thinking and feeling until now and it’s making too much sense that I’m fucking terrified of myself and im worried I’ll do something bad to myself:l

I relapsed again recently and I’ve been doing this shit for years and I feel bad because someone told me they were proud of me for being 5 months cleans and then I fucked it all up again and I feel awful but im the only person in charge of my actions but the only person to blame is myself.  Nobody ever told me to cut myself but I do it anyways because I think I deserve pain.  My poor brain is tired of absorbing all the hurt so my body is taking the attacks for it.  I also have bad impulses to do it because I can’t process things and {redacted} says I’m not autistic but it would make sense to me because I struggle with a lot of things that are usually autistic problems like I don’t have ADHD I know that because this is serious but what if i was also just fucking manic and I’m not but I’ve convinced myself of everything.  What if I’m ENTIRELY FICKING NORMAL but I’ve just been deceived by society that there’s things wrong with me?  Like what if everyone has these

Problems and I’m just being an attention whore because the girls with issues are the ones people pay attention to and what if I JUST FUCKING WANT ATTENTION.  what if I’m just looking to be paid attention to because I was ignored by my mom at a developmental part of my life like my therapist said and what if I need to go back to therapy and now I’m trying to get attention from everyone but the person who I need it the most from?  

I always get jealous when nobody notices me because I want to feel important but it’s hard to when your whole life you’ve been taught that unless you have something super interesting to say nobody cares?  

I’m drawn to doing out of the ordinary things because it makes me interesting and all I want is people to see me and acknowledge me and make me feel loved and like I’m important because I never feel fucking important . Even if I do unique  things like aerial I still feel like im the most boring person in the planetS 

I don’t know why I’m so obsessed with attention.  I don’t want to admit it but I just did and it feels fucked up because I hate people who are usually the center of attention but now I realize that it is a fault within me and I’m just projecting I’ve always been ficking projecting and it pisses me off because I try so hard to be noticed and I just fucking disappear. 

 I feel so bad when I’m not invited to things because I get worried people forgot about me and that I immediately don’t matter.  I feel so fucking bad about making it a bigger deal than it is because I’m trying to subtly ask for attention without it being clear but it comes off as annoying and that ficking sucks I don’t want to be annoying but I am everything I do fucking annoyed people.  That’s why my brother makes me feel bad when I’m super passionate about a conversation and he’s uninterested and I DO THE SAME shit back to him but I feel bad when it’s done to me.  I cannot fucking function like a decent human so why do I expect anyone to act the same to me? 

I cannot take what I dish out to people and it’s awful because I try to be nice and respectful and the wrong people have taken advantage of that and the people who actually care get the brunt end of my insecurity.  I get upset at people for being late because I don’t feel like my time matters to them but my time matters to me and I want to make sure I’m spending it the right way before I have none left.  But then I’ll go and sit and do nothing for an hour because I’m too esrly.  I dunno I can feel the alcohol wearing off now after like an hour since I stopped drinking but my mood fucking CRASHED lol.  I’m sure I’ll take some more realizations from this later but Fuvk that was heavy 

Jk not done lol.  I haven’t been working out recently and I’ve been eating like shit and instead of just going back to the gym i decided to say damn let’s just not eat again cuz why tf not and I feel so fucking dumb because I can’t stop eating and it’s driving me crazy and I saw a tiktok that this person is autistic and stims with food and honestly yeah that sounds like me which would explain why I can’t just fucking not eat but sometimes I really good at starving for awhile before I eat a ton again.  I’ve never been thin and I really want to be at least once and I need to do it while I’m young and active lol

{redacted}  told me that people don’t like me because I don’t care and that I’m too nonchalant and that I should act like a hot bitch because I am one but she doesn’t realize I’ve spent my entire life molding myself to how people want to see me or that I act the way I do because it’s easiest.  I’m the one who doesn’t express emotion because that’s the easiest person to be around and I’ve been doing it for so long that I don’t know if I even have genuine feelings anymore.  I can’t even cry unless I’m utterly alone.  I have every urge to cry right now but I can’t because {redacted’s} asleep next to me.  He’s asleep. I can cry but I can’t because he’s still in the room.  It makes no logical sense but nothing ficking makes sense and it’s driving me insane.  I wish I could just fuckin cry in front of people.  I just don’t want to seem weak or that I just want attention because I want the complete opposite I don’t want anyone to ficking see me struggle.  I can tell them and joke about it and shit but to have someone see the chaos unfold from within is something I never liked and never want to show . I’ve never had a chaotic melt down this bad in company of people I love.  It’s always been alone and I don’t want anyone to see this shit because I know it’s fucked up and it makes no sense and it never makes sense to people because I’m the calm one who never has fucking emotions.  I fucking feel everything but I just can’t break the barrier of showing it.  I literally just am unable to break down in front of anyone.  Sometimes I will in front of my mom but quickly retreat away because I’m ashamed of it.  I don’t know why it’s so fucking difficult because it shouldn’t be.  We weren’t meant to suffer alone but that’s exactly what I’m doing to myself.  

And I’m so painfully self aware that I know I’m doing it and I can’t stop myself from running from my feelings anymore it’s fucking exhausting and I’m just done I can’t keep up a everything’s fine front anymore but I still cannot tell someone so I’m stuck in the worst limbo imaginable to me because I’m screaming while my mouth stays shut 

Back to {redacted’s} comments though like I’m not worried If people like me because I have a. Solid support system of friends.  Also she sees me maybe once a week for not very long.  She doesn’t spend every fucking day with me to know how I really am and feel and act. So maybe don’t be a ducking prick and practice what you preach? 

[mattyslittleworld]

dead mans coffee

July / 2020

Just woke up in my front seat, at a rest stop in Tennessee. First thing I saw was my ALL WILL SUFFER tattoo on my leg. A constant reminder of a different person. Tomorrow I’m getting coffee with Skrillex’s right hand man in Nashville, and I’m nursing a cold coffee in the heat watching this crazy lightning shoot across the skyline. It looks like the end of the world. Or some fucked up Lucero song. I must’ve pulled over for a second and closed my eyes and just dropped dead for hours while parked, I’m on the way to my hotel. 

I am sitting in a diner on broadway in Nashville, TN. Nursing another shitty coffee booking meetings. As the texts come in I ignore them because they are covering the screen and distracting me from reading and studying how to properly sell my soul to the devil at the crossroads In Mississippi. 

Clarksdale, Mississippi

12:30 am

Where Robert Johnson, Bob Dylan, and now, Matty Carlock, sold their souls to the devil. 

December / 2020

Sitting in my home, in Hollywood, CA. I have the window open, and I hear the subtle sound of LA breathing, cars passing on the boulevard, sirens off in the distance, and a vinyl record of mine spinning at the lowest volume possible for me to still hear yet ignore it. I feel calm and at peace, although, it seems like a parallel feeling is war, confusion, imposter syndrome, abandonment, and skeptical. How could these two umbrellas of emotion coexist? Its very interesting. Ive been recording so much music that has nothing to do with my artist project. Its been liberating to put that aside for something greater. A new focus. Leaving artistry a vessel solely for extreme self expression and cathartic release. 

July / 2020

Winding the day down, 10:30pm. With an open tab that reads “Tigers Jaw holiday show” - on pause. I open my Mac book on my couch, ready to go through stems and ratchet strip club beats, and it catches my eye. I press play and it leads me down a rabbit hole. I find myself watching “Never Saw It Coming” right into “Chemicals” / live in Boston. Like lightning it struck through my entire body. Maybe it was the 2 hour long conversation with Andy? And the memories we were trading. The bond we have over hard times, innocence, violence, literal blood on the pavement, years of freezing in the winter....nowhere to go. The people that were around - we made forever memories to these two songs. I right away, made a playlist that consists of “The Sun, I Saw Water, Chemicals, Never Saw It Coming, and Planes”. On top of that I found the live acoustic set they recorded and put out. When I was young on DIY tours, sleeping on floors, dirty as shit, poor as shit, a human being at the very best.....the uncertainty of my near future was so bleak. I remember Title Fight came out with their record “Shed” - and the song “where am I?” would lay me down on long drives, or on the floor. I’d watch white lines pass one by one by one into the abyss of nothing. 

The line 

“Another floor

A different ceiling than the night before

Where am I?

While you’re back home”

Missing my girlfriend at that current time, leaving, and just laying on a strangers floor thinking where am I while you’re back home? What am I doing? Maybe there’s nothing only this moment?

On the tigers jaw live EP they covered this acoustic and it’s everything right now. I am fortunate to live a block away from the sunset strip - and I grabbed my skateboard and just bolted into the night. 

This SO SPECIFIC FEELING of these songs. That nobody in this environment will ever understand. It’s so beautiful. It’s so real. It’s so raw. It’s exactly what I need right now - as the past 3 weeks I’ve been living here have moved faster than the past 4 years. A loss of identity easily awaits you. It’s like you fight your whole life for that moment, to get to where you dream of, to get a shot. Scrape and crawl. And then reset. Since I’ve been living in Hollywood my day to day has been a huge mirror for me. The parts of myself I’ve been trying out run have caught me. Maybe all of this could coexist? 

March 2nd / 2021

Spring is here. Its 75 degrees in LA and theres this new thing I noticed while driving around…..the overbearing smell of flowers in the air. It sounds like a movie. Its fucked up cause It felt like a funeral in my car. I was like what the fuck is happening? It smells like a small funeral in here….are my dreams dying? Am I dying? Is punk dead? Okay its just a Ryan gosling movie out here I guess. Whatever lets go. Here’s some hatrebreed. But the windows are down. My mood is different. My spirit is lifted, which ive been desperate to say. I automatically get punched in the guts with the feeling of driving so fucking fast, and blasting title fight. Skateboarding. Looooooooooong drives with fucked up friends to out of state shows no one will be at. Im listening to Stab by Title Fight - off the Shed LP. What a specific time in my life this brings back. That I usually talk about on this little throw up blog often. Spring is such a pivotal time in my life every year. Since covid shows stopped - human decency stopped - community stopped - my natural habitat was taken from me, and all of my friends and family. I remember living in New York in 2011. At the New Yorker. I was studying at the Institute Of Audio Research to be a janitor in my home town. Because that’s what they teach you. Instead of studying compression, and listening to washed up hacks talk to me about music, I would walk out my building onto 8th ave. B Line it Penn Station. Get on the LIRR and ride that shit right into the best LI shows every night I could. Id meet all my friends from Jersey / NYC / Philly and even Baltimore because it was so common to make it a priority to no matter what, drive hours on end to support a hardcore shows and to not lose touch with the hundreds around the country that you call family. Drive to Richmond for a shows on a Monday night, go off, hit a diner after with your new found tribe, then drive home, be back at 6 am, and just stumble into your bullshit job with a black eye or scratches all over you. It was all worth it. Probably quit that job anyway to go on tour with your friends band and live as gypsies for the entire summer too. Spring embodies this spirit for me. Church parking lots in Doylestown, PA - full of kids from all over the country, who left their problems in their hometown, to just get on the road with their best friends and basically start a new life. It is just amazing how formative those years were for a lot of my friends. I have people I met at shows from all over the country messaging me always checking in, and supporting, and sometimes it feels like I know them better than my first cousins, aunts and uncles. We were at war together. We fought against the world together. We found ourselves together. We created shit from nothing. Determination and passion. Oh no….Planes by Tigers Jaw just came on. You know the vibe. This shit just hits so different now as a pop / hip hop producer. This PA scene, mixed with NJHC, just stood me up and gave me confidence to have my own voice, my own thoughts, and to fight back. Something about being in a shitty car and it smells like dirty vans and like…..axe to cover up the smell. BELTING Basement and car moshing and almost driving off a bridge. Listen. I know every single blog is about this. But fuck you fight me. ITS CALLED SELF EXPRESSION GRANDMA. SO STRAP INTO YOUR BOOT THINGS AND ENJOY THE RIDE TO NOWHERE. Its been crazy living in LA. I live directly on Hollywood BLVD, on the Walk Of Fame. Where I was almost killed two weeks ago over someones gang that my ass is not in. My guy looked at me and said YO YOU MATTY? And I was listening to Taylor swift in my headphones walking back from Starbucks and it was so funny how different my energy was. I was like bro can you kill me already dude because these Taylor tones are so good that they gunna just end up killing me anyway. So perfect timing. I think the guy was mad at my friend to say the least lol. But every night its loud 808’s, the sounds of the city, amazing energy, and neon lights shining in from lit up billboards off the BLVD. Its such a culture shock for me. I feel like im too aggressive just from being east coast. But its just what it is. It took me a little to adapt to being in sessions and meetings with seasoned people in this industry who have major cuts and recognition. But I just learned to double down on myself, and be as authentic as I possibly can be. Theres nothing like crushing writing sessions in the pop realm, then turning off my shit, unplugging, and run into the night with my skateboard and old punk records. It’s almost like my own secret that is becoming my blood. I haven’t been communicating with the ones who like my music, have interest in what im doing, come to my shows etc - since I touched down here….I just unplugged….started writing HEAVY and decided to dedicate months to getting better, learning, becoming smarter, discovering a vision that’s much broader than what were sold, finding myself, making sure my wisdom is parallel to my age - if not wise beyond my years. A lot of artists and bands SING, PLAY, PERFORM, PROMOTE. But I have decided to WATCH, ATTEND, and LISTEN. Everynight I sit down with tea, unplug, and spin records on my turntable…in the dark, in my living room, alone….all kinds of records. From The National, to Springsteen, to Title Fight, to Hendrix, to the rare Troublemaker LP and 7” I have…..Sharon Van Etten, Jesse Malin…..ugh. Its just bliss. Pure bliss. Right now im drinking coffee and bouncing from listening to Into It Over It and American Football. I spent all last night rapping my ass off, mixing, and singing ref vocals for other people. It was so fun. Im finding a lot of my new material is this spirit im talking about - but over hip hop production. I want to tell my life story and combat the stereotypes of modern rap and pop music with true intentions and unique tones of untold stories that press, radio, and this market usually doesn’t get fed. Ive also realized a lot of music I was promoting over the past year to come out (prior to the pandemic) hasn’t come out….and I know people are questioning that….what is happening? So before covid I had German solo dates booked - and then I was going to the UK right after. I have a bunch of single drops lined up with music videos. Some you can guess with who. And then the pandemic hit and I canceled everything and decided to pivot my focus into my passion for songwriting and production, instead of sitting around “waiting for shows to come back.” I pretended that shows were never going to come back and doubled down on my career as a producer, that at the time, still is, moving forward at a faster rate than my artist shit. So I packed my shit after offers, and opportunity presented themselves. Touched down on a Tuesday, with meetings that Friday. Off to the races. In sessions that following Monday. Fast forward here we are. Hungry, learning, learnt, turned 30. Looking at the next decade like Mcgregor at the weigh in. Fight ready. Ive learned so much since the fall that all of the music I had planned on releasing, I loaded it back up, tore it apart, and re built it. So its not stale, so its not expired, so its not “then”….so its NOW. Which im so glad I did, and im doing. I don’t think ive been in the booth more. My mind is so stimulated by this wave im on. And its got me in a good place. Now that the spirit of spring is here, my mental health is going to be taking a big leap as well and im going to do everything I can to just flood all of this content. I think Never Meant by American Football is the best song ever made. Me and Mike were talking about doing a song together a few months ago and that would be such a trip for me. 

I wanted to talk about my recent trip to Joshua Tree. I was invited by Christopher Thorn from Blind Melon to live at his studio for a few days to write together. I didn’t really know what to expect. I met him once or twice thru Clinch, and just around the Sea Hear Now circle back east, and I was familiar with No Rain (his hit). We got on the phone, picked a weekend where it’d work for both of us, got some covid tests, and boom. Packed my shit again (right off a flight back from New York, where I shot 3 music videos, and did 1 remote session in 2 fucking days), and drove out to the desert. There is no address so I had a map. It was epic. It was in the desert desert. Like THE DESERT FAM. Coyotes at night, snakes and shit. The air was so dry, your lips would get chapped to let you know death was right around the corner so you better man up baby boy. Beforehand - from all the traveling and flights, and burning myself out on videos and sessions, I found myself listening to a lot of acoustic Nebraska Springsteen type shit. John Moreland, or even like acoustic bayside, Lucero, Leonard Cohen, Tom Waits…..just pure music with no samples, not gridded, not sold, no machine, no click, just real live country music inspired by the human condition….of the earth. It was just speaking to my soul…..so when we booked this to get in the room together….man was I ready. I don’t think ive had an experience so fruitful to the soul. And ive played shows in Slovenia, and sipped espresso on a bridge that looked like a painting, staring at subtle mountain tops off in the distance like I was a character in some book. We started working at night and ran it up till like 3 am. As the sun came down the lights off in the distance miles and miles away were so clear because we were just the only life form around….and it would just shine into the studio windows and reflect on the perimeter making it seem like we were surrounded by New York City. It did a lot for my soul to play drums, acoustic, sing, play piano, shred electric, even mix a little. I felt like I made a very fast lifelong friend. Its been a minute since I got on with someone like that. We talked a lot about growing up touring. And wed finish each others sentences regarding topics that ONLY people like us would know. Like Subway being a life line for DIY touring, or the weird strange feelings of comfort from rest stops in the middle of nowhere at 4 am, the rest stop coffee that you get to just make the next 2 hours of the drive into town bearable. But then you see your boy from your band in the other aisle so you throw shit at him. Then you all stumble back into the van/bus and just disappear into the night. This shit was so needed for me. When Id wake up, id make espresso, and just sit out front and listen to Joe Rogan, at this random chair that was behind his studio, facing the mountains. Just endless property waiting to leave you 6 feet in the ground. I sat there and sipped my espresso, and just reflected on the long journey of my career. How many random moments like this ive found myself in since I was 15. In the middle of the desert where Springsteen hangs out with my heroes, off the strength of my songwriting. Or in Romania drinking coffee, fucked off, on a bench far from the venue, by random train lines in the pouring rain by myself. The farthest from humanity I can be. Or the random VFW hall in my head that I don’t even know where it is, with my little punk crew, who all smell like complete shit and cigarettes and soda, fucked off god knows where, just to finger point and sing along to this band we found on myspace that were in OUR hometown the weekend prior singing to our band. Theres just an endless string of memories that can go on forever, with stories that just fulfill a lifetime, of conversations that just make the white lines on I95 move faster. Or just everyone is quiet - reading a book - texting - exhausted from the night prior - and you just ABRUPTLY turn on teenage dream by Katy Perry SOOOO LOUD - take your shirt off and start dropping it like its hot from the passenger front seat, and catch a mid afternoon front flip stage dive into the backseat. From those youthful days of this underground spirit, to existing in a realm of pure monsters of my craft, I truly believe this next decade could co exist and be one for the books. Damn I feel good. Also me and Sasso started a book club called BSU and you can’t be in it because you probably read books and the only rule for our book club besides not speaking about book club is, you can’t read books. Okay im going to go buy a bike right now so I can ride It to Mexico and get abducted by the cartel and sold for bitcoin. FAREWELL EARTHLINGZ. 

[teeteettteetee]

bitter coating

its like. the opposite of sugar coating. making things seem worse than they actually are.

its what i do when i get upset, which is pretty god damn frequently nowadays. 

why? because im suffering from imposter syndrome. and i cracked. i am so concerned with my image in other peoples minds, that i lost my identity. i fell out of control. and i hit pretty close to rock bottom.

and now that my reputation is in the shit hole, im watching everything crumble. im about to lose my position at work, my family has turned against me, everyone thinks im a slut, and my gpa will most definitely take a hit after this midterm season. and while, yes, these are the consequences for my actions, these are the consequences for being fake. and now what? am i gonna run away? drown myself in a lake and make it look like an accident? 

nah. the world will keep turning and ill live to see another day. this is a wake up call: branding yourself as someone you’re not is toxic. it might save you some situations of tough confrontation, but its a ship that destined to sink. heres the truth: i hate doing work. i actually hate almost everyone at the work place. you guys are so pretentious and you’re all assholes, and yeah you will be making way more money than me. im not friendly or approachable at all. i keep a lot of you guys around so that i dont look like a shut in, which, i am. i actually only did computer science for the money. and to prove everyone that im smart. which is something im quickly starting to realize is not a part of my identity. i am pretty slutty and i am the biggest asshole i know. 

and you know what. none of it matters. work. school. friends. money. status. my reality is shaped through the my own eyes and my own perspective. so in a way. my opinion is the only one that ever mattered. when you can have that strong locus of control that is grounded in yourself, you’ll realize that none of this is actually bad. its not the best thing in the world. but in its rawest form, its growing up and realizing that i cannot keep pretending forever.

so in conclusion. stop crying. better days will come. stop saying sorry as a filler word, you’re not actually sorry. stop doing things for other people and start doing things for yourself. yes, it was a mistake and everyone has a right to be angry with you. own up to it, and move on. try again tomorrow. you will be ok.

(and for the people that stuck around after my fall and saw me at my worst. keep them around. those are the people that actually care about the real you.)

[topicprinter]

I wrote this as a means of getting it out of my head. Im hoping it gives me both insight into my situation and hopefully some therapeutic reprieve. Sharing now as Im curious the outcome for others who have been through something similar.I've been running my business for over 4 years now and am about $50k shy of hitting the $1M in revenue marker(total not annual). I'm happy I've been able to make it four years, make some money but truthfully, I hate my business and I don't know what to do next. The euphemism that speaks the most to me right now is that fact that I don't own a business - it owns me. The idea of taking vacation stresses me out, the idea of getting married next month stresses me out, the idea of a honeymoon or really anything where I'm supposed to “take a break” just freaks me right out.First off, a little about my business. Digital Marketing. I'm a mix between a consultant and an agency - meaning I have no staff but a lot of contractors. My background is in banking, but I've always dabbled in building my own sites and doing basic SEO. When I finally got out of banking (soul-sucking), I wanted to really invest into my digital skillset, so I hammered a bunch of different agencies in town and eventually got picked up by a development shop. I started in sales, performed well and after about two years, got into Project Management as I thought that would lend better to running my own show one day. In retrospect, it was chaos. Very little process, most projects were over budget, staff was burnt out and it was usually quite tense. That said, I did enjoy it and it felt like how it was supposed to be. I eventually left because I learned I cared more about what happened after launch, than the launch itself - like what good is a new design if it doesn't sell more of your shit?Within my first 3~ months, I had 3 clients and had largely replaced my income in revenue.One thing from the start that could have made my life easier was specializing. I didn’t focus in on a specific niche or a service. I did local, SEO, PPC, email, analytics, landing pages, copywriting - and Id do it for anyone I wanted to work for based on a feeling. Within my first year, I had enough clients that my role turned into Account Manager, Sales and Project Management and I had to build out a remote team of contractors. It was and continues to be interesting.I was good at a couple of things to make this happen: building trust, trusting my intuition and work ethic. I did turn away a lot of clients. I knew a snake when I saw one and I knew when I was a good fit. In my four years, I've been fired twice, once shortly after year one and another one in February of this year. I had always been very proud of that due to the reputation of our industry, however, the one in February stung...a lot. I did a lot of work for them during that time, and when I signed them, were my second largest retainer to date. They were tough to manage as they were a small scrappy, first time entrepreneurs but the platform was there to make a big splash. I made such a splash, and while it wasn’t always graceful - it fuckin worked and I was stoked. We closed the year extremely well and I felt extremely proud of what we had accomplished. Then I lost the contract and was offered to retain about 15% of it.This definitely rocked my world a little bit. To work so hard and grow a business so much, just to have it all taken away. I was and still am bummed - but this loss is part of why I'm reflecting now and I'm confident the outcome will be worth the struggle.Through these four years - I suffered consistently from imposter syndrome. I didn't feel *great* at any of the services and there was a lot of them. It was also tough to manage quality with contractors as everyone had a varying skillset, reliability, and attitude.That said, I did some amazing work for good local businesses. Took on a few big eCommerce projects and one massive global communications project for a combination of the Department of Defense and a specific States local tourism authority. My fear/imposter syndrome was often under wraps by the words of affirmations I got from the people I worked with. They seemed to think I knew what I was doing - so just keep working hard, research when you're stuck and be honest with people. I am proud of the difference I've made on every account I've worked on - but what I ignored is that I loathe being mediocre at a lot of things.Shit really hit the fan last year when my Dad got sick. Fuck cancer, and I won't open that can of worms. Adding the part-time job of being a care aid to a sick man, managing a business, a puppy and planning a wedding was/is rough. I am reflecting on all of this now, as I’m phasing myself out of a very large eCommerce client ($120-$200k/mo ad spend and a totally separate story) and for the first time in 14 months, I finally feel like I have time to breathe.Right now, I think I'm burnt out of service work...or maybe just burnt out in general. I'm doing too many things to do them really well and require too many people to keep myself sane. I have management problems, process problems, people problems and a new found discontent with someone being able to take the businesses away.When I give myself permission to explore what it means to be burnt out of service work, I wonder what’s on the other side?I see a few options:Specialize and focus on Local - I really do enjoy helping local businesses figure out digital and in my opinion, miles less complicated than sorting out global ecomm and all the fun bells and whistles that come with that. That said, still service work and in order to be something Id want to do, I'd really need to nail down what the services are and how they’re delivered.Start my own eComm - this idea excites me and scares me. I have every skill in the world required to run my own shop; I just don’t have a product. I'd love to build a brand, have people love what we’re up to and love our product. but what product?! Truthfully, I think I'm letting perfectionism stop me here and if I'm going to do it, just starting would be the fastest way rather than finding the perfect product.Get a job - truthfully, this idea sounds almost like a vacation. I’ve had a few normal jobs in my life and I’ve always absolutely crushed them. The idea of showing up at 9am, having someone else tell me what to do, I do it and clock out at 5. I obviously know it’s not always that cut and dry, but the point is, the amount of responsibility I carry diminishes significantly. I don’t decide on the offering, so I don’t need to worry about or question the value, I don’t need to prioritize a rolling task list with hundreds of items. Blah blah blah. That said, I do sacrifice flexibility.The other perk to getting a job again is community. I’ve been flying solo for so long that Im getting lonely and I miss working with people. People to suffer with when shit gets hard. People to celebrate with when you pull it off - just another human in the office to be around.That pretty much feels like the end of my rant. I'm tired and will continue to take advantage of this break to truly reflect on where I want to go next. I know I need to do something different and on the hunt for what that next thing will be. In the meantime, I'm getting married in 41 days and would love to carry this peace of mind leading into that day.That’s all for now.

[jimmynames]

3

So here we find ourselves again 

1 year later, still in London and still at Ruin Studio. The past years been quite a head fuck.. 

Firstly I believe in the true nature of streaming my consciousness whilst I should probably divide this into two blogs one for dev etc one for self I’m going to just carry on typing regardless because I believe the two - self and dev - are intertwined into a larger picture which is of course, me. fuck. So without further a due lol I find myself sat on the floor, straight back typing away eating a pop tart and drinking a protein shake alone whilst Romi is out partying with her co workers. I’ve placed a mirror in front of me and meditated with my eyes open, peering into my self but also all sorts. It was a beautiful experience which led me wanting to call home and speak to my Mother but she didn’t answer - I hope she’s out or having fun right now. 

Secondly, and importantly, in light of my last reflection it feels apt to acknowledge my most recent discovery of grief which is one of a life time sentence. Unfortunately and sadly, this awareness that no matter how far we, my family and I, move from the death date that was that horrible fucking night and no matter how much I grow you’re not going to come back. It’s haunting and I hate it but it’s a `const` now in my life.js and I guess whilst I’m still coming to terms with your passing when you inspect the unminified memories of our shared past it’s so beautiful that I do feel blessed. Ying and Yang. Black and White. These ideas have never rang mroe true in my sense of self than before and I guess I just must of picked the hardest difficulty when starting this simulation. ideet. So still dealign with grief, still missing my father but not coming home and crying most nights instead actually I find myself presently the healthiest I’ve ever been in my life. In the pursuit of a healthy mind and reasons to live I found my body. A beautiful vehicle to which I find great enjoyment currently in stretching, pushing and pulling apart. I’m going to the gym with Tim , who deseveres his own write up if I’m honest, cycling and playing squahs with Laz another great man in my life atm. Which both intertwine equally within this loose tapersty of a ‘tech’ blog post in that both are my colleagues. The borders between work and life and professionalism and being are so `background:linear-gradient(black,white,black,.666);` it’s unreal as I find myself genuinely and generally becoming bros/friends/ganged up with the poeple around me who I work with. 

So code - something clicked in me and my code increased. I’m loving and taking great pride in writing beautifully archietured and structered codebases with compotetional methodology both in the skeletons of the comps as well as the styling what with a recent lvoe of BEM. My Javascript is improving, I’m not Thill yet but I can feel and sense it’s growth in who I’m engagign with browser,s tasks and challenges. I built a site for a band and a portofilo for Sean my brother both using gatsby.js and react - super super fun and I took great pride in their codebases and build. Using netfliy is a dream andwould recommend. Wathcing the build tasks run will forever been a dreamy experience. I also revamped my portoflio getting evrr closer to my final idea of two website sin one. Oh Dad I wish you could see it. I applied for a job at NTS radio and got into the final 3 candidates which was really exciting but I my technical interview was to blase and i stupidly uploaded my repo with node_modules in the git cache d’oh and git history ppppppeak.. since then my commit messages have deff grown up and recently even my console.log’s as well. I guess I’m maturing in many ways as a Developer with a greater conceptual understanding of servers and dev ops I do feel more tehcnical in my self but still feel a disconnect with the lieks of Tim and other Dev’s such as YOLO gang for they just seem to be developer built idk.. I’m facing imposter syndrome with great confidence as a result of what I believe is just increased testororone since lifting metal around tbh.. would deff recommend.. 

Since deciding not to go to Scotland with my beautiful omg what the fuck are you doing girl Romi I have decided to dedicate the next 6 months/1 year entierly to my self with focus on learning, growing and health. I wasn’t ready nor felt equipped to travel freely and explore the world. I’m still young. I’m old as well. I feel it. but yeh in my hearts of hearts when you reflect and consider you’re life I’ve only been in London - “livign away from home” for a year and a half, dealing with so much fucking pain it hurts, trying to manage those around me who are alive god bless my mother and i wish her suffering would end as well fucking universe you absolute piece of shit stealing the greatest man from us all fuckinng hell. SORRY. anyway. I do believe in the next year I’ll grow far beyond what I see infront of me and even tho i am proud of the boy/man i gaze upon in my own reflection I do see potential. This potential and in the pursuit of it wil hopefully take me inherently on quite a introverted journey but eventually a more global one later down the line.. I do hope Romi hasn’t been snagged as I’d hate to lose such a love to my own insceurities but like my mother _always_ says, if it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be..

I recently smashed a project or two at work and I’ve really gotten my head around how React works as a framework. Recognising that as I’m learning native, more app based things and higher (to me) prolly basic but still Javascirpt I need to acknowledge how i felt when I couldn’t even code and here I am doing things naturally that I couldn’t even imagine or would get so frustrated at. God Dad I wish you could see some of my work since, it’s actually so beautiful.. So to not give myself such a hard time, im no computer sci grad and I’m trying to learn potentially advanced shit so it’s ok.. 

Acutally I got the mutha fuckign title of Web Developer this year as well!!!!! so like yeh 3 years did it. legit goal achieved and I’m still running with it.. Might take me a bit left which I’d like tbf but still going upwards

So yeh, this year’s been immensly intense but beauituflly beautifull. My goals are as follows

- learn to dive

- get back into swimming 

- gym

- react native project

- redux 

- javascript

- treehouse boy again 

- continue to cook and eat healthy 

- sober for autumn 2018

- ux study

-design some websites

- sketch

- write short story

tl;dr idgaf about typos spelling etc this is as much scribbling in a notebook as it can get excet i can read this i cant read my handwriting 

RIP PETER RYAN 

FML

3BC

LOVE