#im stuck in a loop of feeling terrible about something but knowing i cant possibly explain what it is

[roachemoji]

shout out to everyone who has trouble identifying their emotions. who struggle putting their thoughts into words. who have a hard time communicating what's wrong because their thoughts are more like abstract concepts than anything tangible. who take hours or even days to approach issues because you werent even aware you were upset to begin with, or even understood what was wrong.

[illfoandillfie]

One More Present

Wrapped Up With A Bow

Request: I was wondering if you could a part 2 to Wrapped Up With A Bow? I think a continuation of it would be interesting.

Pairing: Present Day Roger Taylor x F!Reader

Summery: It’s Boxing Day and you’re bored. Until you remember a little something Roger wanted on his birthday, that he never got the chance to do.

Warnings: SMUT (18+), Daddy kink, maybe some light sugar daddy vibes, bondage (specifically hogtie), spanking, vibrator, orgasm denial/delay / ruined orgasm (kind of), oral sex (m receiving), rough sex, degradation, fingering, unprotected sex, but also praise and some aftercare stuff (cause ya’ll know i love my aftercare)

Words: 4124

A/N: Written for my 1000 Follower Celebration. My alternate summery for this was ‘Boxing Day? More like Bondage day!’. In my defence it is after midnight and my brain isn’t working at full capacity. Also I didn’t originally plan for this to be Christmas themed but I was looking for some Rog smut to write and tis the season for gift wrapping. Anyway, if present day Rog wanted to tie me up and degrade me i would be so very into that and these are the fics that prove it.

Taglist:  @laedymoon​  @dtfrogertaylor​   @ezmina98​  @vee-ndetta​ @atomic-watermelon​ @kellypenac​ @labessieisallama​ @deakyclicks​ @jennyggggrrr​ @drowseoftaylor​  @hannafuckingsucks​  @i-cant-hangout-im-drumming​ @queenmylovely​ @supersonicfreddie​ @londononvinyl​

While Christmas Day had been busy and chaotic and loud, Boxing Day was the complete opposite. The previous day Roger’s house had been full (not an easy feat since it was so large) with his children and their partners and some extra friends who’d had nowhere else to go thrown in as well. Plates were piled high with all the traditional fare as crackers popped and terrible jokes were half shouted across the tables that had been shoved end to end. The curtains over the kitchen window were almost set alight while someone tipsily set their Christmas pudding on fire. And even in the evening, when everyone was so full they could barely move, a raucous game of Cards Against Humanity broke out, sending everyone into fits of inappropriate laughter. But now everything was quiet. Everyone had left, either late on Christmas night or after breakfast the next morning, carrying containers of leftovers but leaving their torn paper crowns and residual wrapping. Roger had popped down to the shops, grumbling about having to leave the house and battle the crowds, because the last of the milk had been used to make pancakes, which left you lying on the couch to bask in the near silence of the empty house.

It was nice but it made you feel oddly restless. You got up and stretched and then looked around the room for something to do. You could go for a walk through the garden, although that would mean rugging up in coat and mittens and beanie since it was so cold outside. You could light the fire in the main living room and curl up in front of it with a book or perhaps a video game. Or maybe you should take the chance to have a relaxing bath, pull out a bathbomb and grab the remnants of a bottle of wine from the fridge downstairs and just relax. But none of those ideas really caught your attention. You wanted to do something. Life with Roger was usually somewhat chaotic, and now the calm felt too calm. Your eyes roamed over the room again and landed on a small ribbon, leftover from one of the presents that had been unwrapped yesterday. It gave you the idea you’d been looking for and you hurried up to Roger’s bedroom to change.

By the time Roger got home, still grumpy about having to leave in the first place, you were ready, waiting by the top of the staircase, peeking over the railing to watch for him. You heard the front door shut and caught a glimpse of his back as he turned to hang up his jacket and toe off his shoes. You scurried back towards the bedroom door, careful not to let him see you. “Y/N?” you heard him yell from the room you’d vacated minutes before. “Up here” you called back, waiting until you heard his footsteps heading your way before scurrying towards the bed and getting comfortable, curling up like a cat. “Milk’s in the fridge, but I also picked us up so-” he paused mid-sentence when he caught sight of you, eyes roaming over every inch of the ribbon you’d strategically tied around yourself. “Hi Daddy. Found one more present for you to unwrap.” “Haven’t seen that in a while,” he said, placing the box of chocolate liqueurs he’d just bought on top of the dresser, “not since my birthday,” “Thought Christmas was a special enough occasion to bring it out again,” you shrugged, “You gonna unwrap me now?” “And what would you have me do after that, love?” “Well,” you unfolded your legs and stood up, closing the distance between you and Roger, “anything you wanted, Daddy. But I seem to recall you wanting to hogtie me last time I had this ribbon on, and not getting the chance.” You walked your fingers up his chest as you spoke. He caught your wrist with one hand his other moving to your throat, squeezing lightly, “trust you to ask for something like that. Knew I’d found myself a proper whore the day I met you.” “Don’t think we can underestimate the influence you’ve had either,” He chuckled at that and let you go, his hand slipping from your throat to your cheek, “either way I’m very lucky.” “You’re ruining a perfectly lovely moment, you old sap.” “I just know how squirmy you get when I make you wait for something you really want. And I know you really want to be my pretty little fucktoy, all tied up and helpless,” his tone got more mocking with the last five words, as he dropped his hand, fingers sliding along the ribbon where it ran down your stomach. You whimpered at his shift in tone, almost melting on the spot, which just made him grin wider. “Alright, let’s get you set up. Think I’ll be needing this one though,” he tugged on the ends of the bow you’d tied over your chest, pulling it undone easily, and gathering it into his hands as it fell from your body, “don’t worry, slut, my knots will be a lot harder for you to get out of. Now turn around, hands behind your back, you know the drill.” “Yes Daddy,” you turned in front of him and clasped your hands together at your bum. He was gentle as he wrapped the ribbon around your wrist, pulling the ends through the loop. “That’s not too tight, is it Kitten?” “No, feels good,��� “And you’re arms aren’t too strained?” “Nope,” “Good.” Once he was sure you were comfortable, he continued wrapping the rope around your wrists, first one way and then the other and then back again, making sure it was secure. He then got you to unclasp your hands so he could tie it off properly, leaving the ends dangling. “Okay give it a test for me,” You wriggled your wrists around, trying to slip them free or reach the knot to untie it, but it was no use. “Now your feet.” You felt a push on your back and started walking towards the bed, falling forwards when you reached it. Roger chucked as you awkwardly tried to crawl further up the bed but he gave you a hand, helping you turn your head to the side so you could breathe freely, and get positioned in the middle of the mattress. You brought your legs up, ankles together and waited. There were footsteps as Roger walked to the cupboard, and then more as he came back, placing your box of toys on the end of the bed, far enough away that you wouldn’t accidentally roll into it. You watched as he pulled out a few lengths of rope and then disappeared behind you once more. “Uh uh uh, ankles apart. Want your whore cunt on display so I can see how much you enjoy being used for Daddy’s entertainment.” “Yes Daddy,” a shiver ran through your body and you separated your ankles. “Better,” he pushed your legs a little further before he began tying them, wrapping the rope around you so your ankle and thigh were bound together, checking in each time to make sure they weren’t tight enough to cut off circulation or hurt in any other unwanted way. Finally you felt a tug on your legs as he used the last length of rope to bind them each to your wrists, winding the ends of the ribbon around them to get them out of the way.

When he was satisfied he took a step back to admire his work, “can you get out?” You made an attempt, trying to stretch your fingers far enough to reach any of the knots he’d made but it was useless, “No Daddy, I’m stuck.” “Just the way you wanted,” he suddenly brought his hand down on your arse making you gasp loudly. It was followed by another spank and then another, his other hand roaming over your side. “Wait, Daddy, I’m -,” you broke off in a squeal as he began tickling you. “Ticklish, I know.” It was an odd mix of sensations, one hand tickling you, the other dropping harsh spanks to your arse at unexpected times. It set you writhing around trying to escape or at least lessen the impact of each hit, but again you found it a pointless endeavor. You were panting by the time he was done with you, leaving a final few blows to your backside before he walked around to the front of your bed. “Now we know for sure that you won’t be breaking free anytime soon, no matter what I put you through. So what should I do with you? Completely at my mercy and I’m not even sure how I want to use you.” You lifted your head as much as possible, looking up at him through your lashes, “You could fuck me,” “This isn’t a conversation, slut, it’s a monologue. Think I should stuff that mouth though, shut you up for a while.” “Sorry, Daddy, I’ll be quiet,” “Yes you will be quiet, because you’ll be too busy choking on my cock to say anything.” A whimper escaped you and you shifted your hips, wishing you could press your thighs together. Roger reached into the pocket of his pants and pulled out his keyring, jangling it in front of your face, “I’m going to put this in your hand, okay Kitten? If things get too much drop it and I’ll stop,” “Okay, sounds good,” He leaned down and pressed a kiss to your forehead, a moment of gentleness that helped calm the tense excitement that had begun to build in your stomach and chest. You took a few deep breaths as he stripped off, the jangle of his belt making you squirm. “Ready Kitten?” he pumped his fist over his dick, looking down at you, “Christ, could easily just wank off over you and leave you begging to be touched.” “No, don’t Daddy, want your cock so bad.” He snorted, “don’t worry, I won’t. Not this time at least. But I don’t appreciate the tone. No please, no begging. Where’re your manners?” “Sor-” “Not looking for an apology. I want to hear you beg me to fuck your throat.” You gulped, able to feel wetness pooling between your legs, “please fuck my throat Daddy, please. I’m just a helpless slut who needs to learn how to behave. Teach me a lesson Daddy, fuck my throat, please.” “That’s much better. And since you asked so nicely,” he took hold of your upper arms from underneath and dragged you closer to the edge of the bed. Once he was sure you were steady and comfortably settled, he tapped the head of his cock against your lower lip. Instantly, you opened your mouth, letting him push himself inside. He gave you a few moments to adjust, softly stroking your hair as you sucked on his tip before he pulled back, let you take a breath, and then pushed back in a little deeper. Again he paused to let you adjust, his breath already coming harder than before as he pulled out once more. The first time you gagged he smiled and told you what a pretty sound it was, pushing a little further into your throat before pulling back to let your breath properly. You squeezed the keys in your hand as he finally sunk as far into your throat as he could, pressing your nose into his pubes. After that there was no chance of him holding back any longer, all restraint gone as he thrust into your throat again and again and again. You tried to keep up as best you could, your tongue sliding along his length as saliva dipped from the corners of your mouth and tears ran down your face. He pulled back, giving you the chance to cough and splutter as he hit your cheeks with his slick cock, only adding to the mess you’d become. “Th-at’s right slut, take it,” he growled, shoving his cock back into your throat as he leaned over and spanked you again. You let a moan slip at the impact, though it was mostly lost in a wet gag as Roger’s hips bucked into you. There was no escape, no room to think about trying. You lay there, choking and gaging, obediently taking everything he gave you, with only one solid though in your head, don’t drop the keys. As rough as he was being with you, as uncomfortable as the sensation was, as much as you wanted to at least have your hands free to give you jaw a break, you didn’t want it to be over yet. “Fuck, such a go-od w-whore for Daddy,” he groaned, “gonna – Jesus – gonna fuck my cum down your throat, make, make sure you swallow it,” You whined which only pushed Roger to use you harder, grunting with every thrust, your hair being pulled as it got caught in his tightening fist. He groaned, long and loud, as he came, his cock pulsing as he coated your throat, holding you in place until he was spent.

When he finally let you go you gasped for air, letting your head fall back to the mattress but Roger grabbed your hair, pulling your head up again. “What do you say?” “Thank you Daddy,” you panted. “Good girl,” he let you head go again, making sure you were facing the side before he leaned over and took the keys back, giving your hand a reassuring squeeze as he did so, “don’t think you’ll need them anymore since you can talk now. But we’ll keep them close in case I get sick of your whining and decide to stuff your mouth with something else. Remind me what your safeword is,” “Lighthouse, Daddy,” “You okay to continue?” “Yes Daddy, please, I need more.” Roger ignored you and took the few steps around the bed until he was behind you again. You knew he’d seen how wet you were from the way he started laughing, “Jesus, Kitten. I knew you’d be into that, but I didn’t realise just how much.” You felt the mattress dip and he knelt behind you, giving the robes that bound your ankles to your wrists short tugs, as if to pull you closer. Once you were within easier reach he pressed his thumb to your soaked pussy, running it up and down your slit a couple of times. “Such a pretty cunt, just begging to be used. Almost makes me wish I hadn’t bothered finishing down your throat. Almost.” You whined as he brushed over your clit, quickly retreating back towards your entrance. He replaced his thumb with two fingers, slowly pushing them into you and holding them there. “Maybe I should invest in a fucking machine,” he began pumping his fingers into you at a steady pace, too slow and always angled away from the spots that he usually delighted in hitting, “Be easier on me. I could tie you up like this and let it pound you for an hour or two while I went about my day. Maybe you could cum from that alone, maybe you couldn’t. Probably take a bit of experimenting with it to find out. But by the time I stopped it you’d be all stretched out and ready for me to use. And we both know how much it turns you on to be overstimulated like that, so even if you did manage to squeeze out an orgasm or two, no big deal.” The whole time he talked his fingers were moving at that same steady pace, never enough. Your instinct was to lift your hips higher, try to change the angle he was hitting you, but the way you were tied made that impossible. “I could set the fucking machine up in you cunt while I took your arse. I know you get off fantasising about being a slut for two cocks, three even, but there’s no way I could share you with anyone. A machine though… think of the possibilities.” You involuntarily clenched down on his fingers, earning another deep chuckle from Roger. And then suddenly his fingers left you, empty and desperate to be filled again. He shuffled over to the box, and began digging though it once more, directly in your eyeline. Every so often he’d pull out a toy that caught his eye and ask your opinion on it. Eventually though he found what he was looking for – a purple ‘U’ shaped object, slightly bigger on one end than the other, and an accompanying remote control. Your breath hitched when you saw it and you couldn’t help trying to struggle free. “Aww, does Kitten not like this toy?” his tone was mocking which only made you squirm more. “It’s not the toy I have a problem with, Daddy, it’s how you use it.” Roger laughed, “think that just means I’ve not used it on you enough.” You gasped as you were suddenly pushed onto your side, your shoulders twinging with the unexpected shift. Roger moved back out of your line of sight, dragging the smaller end of the toy along your folds until it was slick enough to slide into you, the larger end resting against your clit. As soon as he was sure it was properly in place, he yanked you back onto your front.

You had maybe three seconds to adjust to the feeling of it pressed between you and the mattress before Roger grabbed the remote and turned it on. A light pulse that made you whine. “There you go Kitten, not so bad now is it?” “No Daddy,” you said, struggling to rock your hips against it. “Thank you can handle a little more,” the pulsing got faster and stronger, the whole mattress buzzing with the vibrations. A second later the part of the toy that was rubbing against your g-spot started vibrating too. “Y’know, I’m an old man, kitten. I don’t always understand new technology. You’ve seen me trying to set my DVR. But this is one piece of technology I’ve been very happy to learn about. I hear the new model works through an app on your phone. Think of how much fun,” he turned the vibrations higher still, “we could have with that. Much more subtle. You could wear it when we went out to dinner, or when I take you out and buy you all those pretty clothes. And I could control it and just look like I was playing on my phone, or sending a text.” You moaned as he suddenly changed the vibration again, the pattern switching to uneven pulses, first short and then long and then short again. You’d been close but the disruption pulled you away from the edge. Roger moved in front of you again, “how’s that Kitten? You wanna cum?” “Yes, please Daddy, plea- fuck!” The pattern changed again, a long powerful buzz you couldn’t escape from, pushing you over the edge almost instantly. You’d barely hit your high before he changed it again, the softer shorter pulses making it impossible to satisfactorily ride out your orgasm. “That’s not fair, Daddy,” “Shhhh, Kitten, not now, Daddy’s concentrating. Here why don’t you suck on these to keep quiet,” he tapped two of his fingers, the same two he’d had shoved inside your pussy moments before, against your lips and you obediently opened your mouth. For a while he left you like that, your moans muffled around his fingers as he constantly toyed with the controller, making you shake and writhe as you tried to escape or get more friction. A couple of times he let you fall over the edge, though the quick change in stimulation interrupted you enough to ruin the orgasm, which, combined with the edges he gave you, only served to make you more horny. “God I could do this all day, Kitten. Although playing with you has got me very hard again. Maybe I should just fuck your throat again. You’re such a pathetic cum slut I’m sure you’d be happy to swallow load after load,” As if to demonstrate he pushed his fingers towards your throat, making you gag. You were held there, suspended between his fingers in your throat and the relentless buzzing against your clit and in your cunt, each end of the toy set to a different pattern. And then it all stopped. The toy stilled, quiet, though you were still twitching. His fingers left your mouth, wiped dry on your cheek. “But maybe I’ll save that for another day,” he moved behind you once more, you whimpered as he removed the toy, “We could set you up like this in the living room or my study, so I could keep an eye on you, and still get my work done. But right now that drippy little cunt is begging me to fill it.”

You had half a second to catch your breath before he was sliding into you, pushing a long moan from your throat. He found his rhythm, laying a few spanks to your arse at random intervals so you could never prepare yourself for the next hit. “Shit, Kitten,” he grunted, “such a perfect whore,” the last two words were punctuated with spanks hard enough to make you cry out, your skin still stinging when he removed his hand. “P-p-p,” “Aww what’s the matter Kitten? Took fucked out to speak?” “Please,” it escaped you in a long whine that you didn’t mean to make. “Please what?” “Pl-please make me cummm,” “You will, but only when I decide you can.” Suddenly his rhythm changed, the pace picking up as he gripped you tighter, one hand on your hip, the other on the ribbon binding your wrists, pulling on it for leverage. He drilled into you relentlessly and all you could do was moan and beg for more. With one final harsh spank he dropped a hand to your clit, rubbing it in time with his thrusts. “Come on Kitten, let go. Wanna feel your pathetic cunt sq- shit- squeezing me. Good girl, that’s right.” Your legs shook as you finally came properly, Roger dragging it out for as long as he could, even as you whimpered with the rising sensitivity. He only stilled his movements when he hit his own climax, burying himself to the hilt and coating your walls.

As he caught his breath, he pressed a kiss to the back of your shoulder, “gonna pull out now okay?” You held your breath as he did, a small wince escaping you. “You alright, love?” “Mmhmm,” you felt too shaky to speak properly but you knew he’d just ask you to use your words anyway so you cleared your throat and, as clearly as you could manage under the circumstances said, “yeah, fine. Can you untie me now?” “I am, love, going as fast as I can,” You could feel the ties loosening as he spoke but fought the urge to move and try to pull free the rest of the way yourself. First he undid the rope that connected your wrists and ankles, then each frogtie on your legs and finally the ribbon that held your wrists together. You suddenly felt very grateful the ribbon was so smooth and soft, only small marks left that would fade before the night was out. As soon as you felt your arms were free you felt you could breath easily again. You rolled onto your back and stretched out, legs straight, arms above your head. Roger stood and slipped his underwear back on as you sat up and rolled your shoulders, wrists and ankles. As soon as you were done though he was quick to hop under the covers and pull you in with him, snuggling as close to you as was physically possible. “How was that?” “Good. What I’d been looking for when I decided to dress up like that.” “I wasn’t too hard?” “You were perfect Rog,” you buried your head in the crook of his neck, breathing deeply, letting his familiar scent calm you completely. “Good. So were you. Couldn’t have asked for more.” You sighed contentedly at his praise, “How about you go make us a cuppa while I go to the loo, and then we can cuddle up in front of the fire with some left over pudding and maybe those chocolates you just bought, yeah?” Roger shuffled out of your grasp slightly, just far enough that he could lean down and kiss you. Your hand flew up to hold him against you, thumb rubbing softly over the hair that covered his jaw. “Okay, sounds like a plan.”

[letsdiscoverkitty]

Thursday 16th May 2019: Review Update Major Trigger Warning

I realise that an update is well overdue and I can only apologise for that. I am putting a trigger warning on this post because although I know such warnings tend to get ignored, I think it would be unfair of me not to mention that this could be a triggering post. I will *try* to keep it short but we all know that I usually end up rambling. I also apologise for the state of this post, I am utterly exhausted and my head isn’t really in the best of places after such an intense and long day....

The review was just me, my consultant and EDP (mum joined us later on)

The team are apparently v concerned about me and don’t think that I am going to be able to turn things around in the community. 

They said that from my past it does show that I work better as an OP and that I can make changes in the community, however they are worried because my weight is now the lowest it has ever been and I have been “floating/floundering” for months now and they can’t let this slow decline continue. She asked how I felt about it and idk, its messy/hard to explain but I understand where they are coming from.

There is extra concern around my weight as it is in ‘dangerous’ place and puts me at risk of refeeding syndrome even though my intake does not. Therefore I am being prescribed refeeding medications again (Thiamine and Vitamin B) and they want to put me back onto weekly bloods, especially to monitor my phosphate. Fortisip wise I have been told that they are a ‘backup’ in case I miss a meal or snack but not as an addition.

My consultant asked me “so, tell me, what’s been going on?” and to be totally honest with you, I have no idea and my mind went blank. I’m just floating, getting through each day, holding on...She said that this is the starvation syndrome, which is leaving me thinking about food 24/7, my body on high alert for any threat, as well as being unable to see beyond what is right in front of my eyes (amongst other things)

 What followed was a lengthy discussion about admissions and all that kind of stuff, which concluded with three possible roads from here...

Option 1. A planned admission to Hayes Grove with clear goals, bespoke tailored for me, for about 6-8 weeks to then enable me to transition home and continue as an OP. This is what my consultant was trying to push for as she is the consultant at HG, but she respected that I need time and space to think about it. I have, at least, agreed to go up to the unit and meet with the team early next month for a ‘pre admission assessment’ to get an idea of what an admission could be like for me. (it was going to be next week but they couldn’t find dates that worked)

Option 2. If I continue to deteriorate/can’t stabalise or improve, then they are going to go down the route of any bed...this could be a medical bed or a SEDU anywhere in the country, no choices. Referrals are being sent out today to begin the process and make units aware of me/my situation. sigh.

Option 3. That this discussion and meeting, with the prospect of an admission, helps me to “get my arse in gear” and increase my meal plan as an OP and continue at home with the support of the team.

I had quite the reality checks today, especially from my consultant (which I was not expecting). Anorexia often convinces me that I am not “that bad”, but today I was told the very stark truth and reality of where I am at with no way of worming around it and let me tell you, that is HARD to hear. 

Once again I was told that I am an “interesting case” and that my intake does not line up with where my weight is at...(yay for being told that I am eating too much. thanks.lol.)

Okay moving on: In terms of where do I go from here...idk. My mind has been on overdrive since and I haven’t really been able to take any of it in. I would love to make it work as an OP and make changes at home but I cant keep going around in these same cycles/be left like this, I just can’t. It’s truly horrible. My consultant reiterated that they are not going to let me starve to death and they will intervene if they get any more concerned about my physical health and admit me to a medical bed...again, this is something that is NOT easy to hear let alone accept.

Yet again I was told that I am “a very bright girl who knows all the ins and outs and has been through nutritional refeeding before”. The struggle right now is the permission side of things, everything gets put off as there has been no outlook/motivation/goals and I have found it increasingly difficult to accept the things I know for myself. This was mentioned and we did talk briefly about it, with my consultant saying that if I can make changes in the community then I need to be really careful in terms of RFS and that the safest way is going to be going down the route of dairy increases and not too fast as it could shock my body and cause a hell of a lot of damage. (hence them wanting to do weekly bloods for now in order to keep a close eye on things)

As I said, mum was in for the last bit, and after all the discussions and dictations for letters were finished she asked about what the plan from now until the meeting in June is...and basically they are going to continue to monitor me closely, see what happens, try to nudge me in the right direction and that if she has any concerns about my physical health or things get worse then she is to either take me to A&E or call an ambulance (which is vvv over the top imo). wow what a way to end the meeting. “Thank you”

After the meeting mum and I went for coffee and god I am so glad that she could be there today/I let her come, even if both my consultant and EDP pretty much ignored her. This is so hard to write but mum is not taking things well that all. She has not been sleeping much again out of worry/concern and said that over the past 2 weeks something has really scared her and she is terrified for me/my life...we chatted for a while in Costa before she had to head back to work and gosh was it hard to hear such things, but it was good to be on the same page a little more. 

Sadly once I arrived home earlier this afternoon, it was to find that mum had been sent home and told not to come back to work until at least Monday :( Her boss had emailed to see how she was as she knew she had the morning off to come to my review, and after mum replied she had a phone call from her boss and pretty much crumbled into pieces there and then. I can’t even....I have no words...I feel utterly terrible for putting this on my parents yet again and for putting them through so much, and causing so much pain and hurt - it genuinely hurts my heart. I can’t even begin to imagine what it is like for them. Mum has been signed off from work in the past (twice I think) because she isn’t coping and I know it is because she cares so deeply about me but wow it is really really hard to have to go through for us all - I suppose it is a very very big reality check/shock as to just how bad things are... As for dad, he is the classic head in sand but I know it isn’t because he doesn’t care, it’s because he does not do emotions/feelings.

Anyway, I’m not even sure how I feel right now. I know I should feel something but if I am totally honest with you I feel nothing. I am utterly numb to it all. Empty. It’s like there is this huge void. My mind is either a neverending whirlwind or unable to even think of a word. I honestly don’t know where I am going/what is going to happen and that is terrifying. Really terrifying. I am sorry that this update is not positive in any way/shape/form but I know that I owe it to you all, all those who have stuck by me for so long, to keep you in the loop. Im not sure how active I will be over the coming weeks but I will make sure to keep checking in as and when I can. Thank you for all the kind messages of support that have been sent my way recently, I know I am terrible at replying at the moment but each message genuinely means the world to me and I can’t thank you enough x

[turntechheartthrob-blog]

` Oversharing Asks ;

`{ I’m putting these under a read more for several reasons. One, there’s fifty eight of these questions and two some of them are triggering. TW/CW for suicide, self harm, cheating, and mentions of death. Read at your own risk. }

1.       Who hurt you the most?

sigh look i feel like plenty of peeps already know the answer to this but for those of you in the back who aint quite got the memo yet my bro dude wasnt exactly the epitome of perfection or anythin not like anyone is but eh i aint goin into detail dont feel like it

2.       Who have you hurt the most?

this is really hard for me ta answer cause i aint really sure kinda hopin i aint hurt anyone i cared bout but shit happens i make mistakes i aint perfect gods aint perfect either

3.       Who do you miss the most?

yo now this one is pretty fucked up but  really miss the shit out of my bro even though the thoughta bumpin into him really freaks me the hell out im a complicated guy maybe im just hopin we can clear the air

4.       Who do you want out of your life the most?

people who keep trynna hold me an my pals back from settin this new world up like we been fightin for years we lost some an got some gods deserve breaks too ya know an it aint like i always been one just leave us the hell alone  go fuck with another world this ones ours

5.       Who had the biggest positive impact on you?

rose  shes always there ta listen an she aint ever dished out any judgement my way (not anythin that really hurt me anyway shes harsh but shes speakin the truth yknow)

6.       Who had the biggest negative impact on you?

7.       Who do you wish you could be honest with?

my bro but fuck if i aint real frazzled when it comes ta shit with him maybe in the future i can work my shit out an say what needs ta be said 

8.       Who have you harbored (any kind of!) secret feelings towards?

wow would ya look at that hopped my ass back in time again zippity zap aint no response to this question here

9.       Who would the world be better off without?

puppets fuckin puppets man fuck puppets an no not literally fuck outta here with that shit

10.   Who do you wish you’d treated differently?

bro

11.   What was the worst day of your life?

that one birthday reckon it was my eleventh bro an i went up on the roof for a fuckin strife an thats where i got that real bad scar its bout six inches long an it runs down my right shoulder blade shit was so not fuckin cash hurt real bad an i thought i was gonna fuckin bleed ta death

12.   What’s your greatest fear?

losin all my friends an fuckin our chances up in this new world too 

13.   What’s your biggest insecurity?

not bein the hero i really wanna be i reckon like not bein able to save my friends cause i aint strong enough 

14.   What’s your biggest regret?

lemme get back to ya on that one i aint really sure dont wanna dig round an try an find it either might really eat me up if i do hope ya understand 

15.   Describe your ideal world.

aight im kinda livin in it but itd be a shitton more ideal if all my pals were here kinda worried bout most of em aint seen the ones from my timeline an its got me real paranoid did they make it is there somethin im missin did i die an is this a dream yknow shit like that.... 

16.   Describe your personal hell.

17.   What’s a hopeless dream you’re still holding on to?

i unno if its really hopeless since im pretty much already here but all those years ago i was fuckin terrified an convinced wed be fightin until we couldnt fight anymore yknow stuck in a constant loop of battle after battle hopin wed make it to the next mornin or night alive shit was fuckin terrifyin an i was so convinced that i was gonna be stuck livin that life forever along with everyone else an i didnt want that for em i woulda took all the pain for em yknow lived it all alone if it meant they got out an got ta live again 

18.   What’s the most embarrassed you’ve ever been?

iunno honestly i pretty much embarass myself on the daily an yer askin for specifics i aint got a specific moment im particularly embarrassed about

19.   What’s the angriest you’ve ever been?

twelfth birthday when i walked right into the fuckin ultimate smuppet trap was just goin ta the bathroom ta shower an brush my teeth an fuckin bam biggest fuckin trap ever thought my arm was broken for a fuckin week 

20.   What’s the saddest you’ve ever been?

thinkin about all this real depression fuckin shit i gotta answer i dunno dont really like gettin lost in my thoughts cause then i start rememberin an diggin up all kindas extra fuckin depression shit that kills me a lil inside 

21.   What’s the most scared you’ve ever been?

when i was eleven an i got the scar i was so fuckin terrified i was gonna die i mean i fuckin passed out an i had some terrifyin dreams too it was just not a good time an i wouldnt do it over again 

22.   What’s the most hopeless you’ve ever felt?

23.   What’s the most frantic you’ve ever felt?

i dont fuckin know sheesh any questions on this thing that aint gonna make me relive terrible shit  my heads killin me

24.   What’s the bravest you’ve ever felt?

when i was able ta save the world i was scared as shit ima be real with you but damn it felt great an i felt great too

25.   What’s the best case scenario for your future?

gettin ta meet up with all my pals from my timeline findin out they were here all along jus waitin for the right time maybe searchin for the best place ta set their cribs up i dunno 

26.   What’s the worst case scenario for you future?

realizin the game aint over 

27.   What’s the most physical pain you’ve ever felt?

lemme take ya back to my eleventh birthday for the third time hurt a lot more than dyin ta get my god powers i can tell ya that much

28.   What’s the most emotional pain you’ve ever felt?

when i found my bros body  i dunno how ta describe it cause it was just a real fucked up time an  it hurt it hurt a whole fuckin lot cause i wanted ta make up with him an hash out my feelins an i thought id never get a chance

29.   Describe a time you felt like a hypocrite.

nothin is really comin ta mind if i dig round enough somethin might but yeah aint really that important anyway

30.   Describe a time you felt like a traitor.

one particular time john an i was fightin this one massive fuckin imp i had to bolt for half a sec cause my sword fuckin bit the dust came back an john was pretty fuckin beat up felt like shit but we made it out 

31.   Describe a time you felt like a hero.

when we got the new place set up i mean not set up but when we fuckin got here an realized yo this is our world an we did it we got this place together an we can live an exist together all normal like without fightin everyday 

32.   Describe a time you felt inhuman.

when i died an came back with my god tier powers reckon it makes sense died a human an came back a god there ya go

33.   Describe a time you felt like a failure.

durin all the fights an shit with bro did my best but physically knockin me down was never enough for him always had ta mentally knock me down too 

34.   What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done?

i dunno man i just dont fuckin know anymore probably fillin this shit out dishin out all this real personal shit feels kinda like a therapy sesh though kinda like im lettin all this shit off my chest so maybe it aint that bad

35.   What are you proudest of?

bein able to finish the game an set this place up with my pals it it was a fuckin dream come true i didnt think itd ever be possible figured wed be stuck fightin shit for the rest of forever wed be together but i just wanted ta not be fightin i wanted ta breathe an live an feel normal again 

36.   What’s your relationship with your family like?

@earthcvantas @schrodingersweabooeffect were pretty tight got each others backs family that chills together its legit dirk promised ta have dinner with me soon

37.   What’s your relationship with religion like?

i aint got one wouldnt really make sense in my opinion im a god do gods worship gods too i unno i dont really feel like thinkin bout it

38.   Talk about someone you’ve lost.

jade i reckon i aint seen her in fuckin centuries she was one of my besties i really miss the fuck outta here i hope shes aight 

39.   Talk about someone who abandoned you.

 40.   Talk about a desire you have that scares you.

makin peace or whatever with my bro really scares the shit outta me if ima be honest 

41.   What’s something you wish you were capable of?

teachin all my pals to fly cause honestly its rad as hell but i mean cant exactly teach em ta be gods

42.   What’s something you’re afraid that you’re capable of?

lettin my family down anyone is capable of this i aint an exception god or not

43.   Describe the kind of life you wish you’d been born into.

mom an a dad i reckon spoiled with video games an legit tech maybe my own lil lab where i could collect an properly organize all my dead shit birthday parties an maybe a pool out back few pets a dog an a cat maybe a snake love repitles theyre pretty legit if ya ask me

44.   Describe your worst heartbreak.

nah id rather not lol thanks for askin check back again never erased all that shit like it aint ever happened here fixin this shit for a reason bruh

45.   Describe your worst disappointment.

fifteenth birthday hah  instead of spendin chill time with my peeps we were still out fightin didnt get a cake or nothin got to risk my life though shit wasnt cash

46.   Have you ever taken a fall for someone?

all the time its my style i reckon im down to take a fall if its for someone i care about when i really care for ya reckon you could say im self sacrificing id take a bullet for someone if they meant enough ta me like @earthcvantas or @schrodingersweabooeffect dont fuck with my family

47.   Have you ever forced or let someone take a fall for you?

i aint the kinda dude that lets people take falls for me but dirk would prob forcefully take a fall for me if ima be honest with yall hes a real protective dude 

48.   Have you ever done serious physical harm to someone?

few peeps that got in my way durin the game  plenty of imps pretty sure ya get the idea

49.   Have you ever done serious emotional harm to someone?

no i aint an i dont plan on it 

50.   Have you ever self-harmed?

.... look i dont get why people wanna get this kinda drop on me but i have yeah aint done it recently or even in the past three years didnt have the time or the strength ta really muster up for somethin like that dont plan on doin it again

51.   Have you ever attempted suicide?

look i really aint comfortable answerin this one i aint tried it considered it once aint puttin the deets out there cause it aint yer business 

52.   Have you ever stolen something?

bag of doritos when i was fifteen bro snagged ramen from my stash an so i retaliated  

53.   Have you ever cheated on someone?

aint been in a relationship so nah an even if i had been in one i wouldnt have so yeah aint my style 

54.   Have you ever been cheated on?

aint been in a relationship before so nah 

55.   Have you ever taken revenge on someone?

smuppets fuckin smuppets got sick of em always bein everywhere so hah one day i fuckin snuck one an flung it out the fuckin window sayofuckinara bitch 

56.   Have you ever seriously considered killing someone?

plenty of people  but only cause they were in the way of me an my friends gettin what we wanted

57.   Have you ever betrayed someone who trusted you?

i fuckin hope not but yknow what i aint allknowing  so i aint got a fuckin clue

58.   Have you ever experienced something supernatural or unexplainable?

aight so buckle the fuck up for this one cause its a wild fuckin ride i unno where the fuck bro was but here i was home alone an misplaced my shades ran into cal an like world jus kinda froze up an it was like i blacked out bro came in all a sudden an handed me my shades an didnt really explain nothin just told me not ta lose em again no fuckin clue what the hell happened there but i never lost my shades again after that

[survivorpacificislandallstars]

Ep. 6 - “I FUCKING HATE TRIBE SWAPS AND RAKIURA” - Gage (Pt. 1)

monty/allison why this isn't the night for a swap nooooooooooooo

Well I certainly learned a few things today. One, being a nice person in Survivor gives you bad things and bad things only. Second, Ashley the Gremlin, know as Ashley G for short, is a snake. Okay fuck being passive aggressive because WHAT THE FUCK???? Who the FUCK did that??? Literally???? So are we just gonna make fake alliances and instantly betray them as soon as we can??? Is that how this game works???? What the fuck! And now I'm stuck again with Ashley!!!! I don't even know if it wa she's decision but I already didn't trust her so fuck it I'll keep on not trusting her. It's a 12 person tribe but I'll try my best to get rid of this snake once and for all. Seriously...of all the people to vote out, Rhea???? For what, avoiding rocks????????????? God damn it I'm playing with a bunch of demons. 

Okay... Might have been wrong... Supposedly, Ashley voted Steffen, and Billy voted Rhea. That's supposedly, because I don't know how much sense that makes because Billy absolutely wanted Steffen out, it looked like. Maybe Ashley is being honest, maybe she's trying to play me. This doesn't stop me from wanting her out, really.... Idk it's too early in the morning to think about this I need to talk to others to clear up what happened. 

Conf #10: What is this NONSENSE a swap with 12 people? you just cant wait for me to DIE CAN YOU.Also a double tribal? fuck this!!! If i die this round ill do the same a rakiura which is ironic bc thats the season we are on right now. Anyways im still with Stevie & Andrew, Billy is here yay so is Sam so whew. I will hopefully be good

Conf #11: The paranoid me has come out and ive kind of come to terms that if I dont win immunity im going home this round! I hate life!!!

Okay so currently this tribe I am on is pretty lit. There were a number of people I myself approached, a few people approached me, and now the only person I haven't talked to is Gabriel. My previous tribe had David, Dan, Samantha, and Andrew. I really like David and definitely wanna work with him for this game. Andrew I am quite indifferent about because in every game we are in together I think things are good between us then confessionals come out and he ALWAYS mentions that he can't trust me so I really don't want to continue on that cycle. Also I have noticed that Andrew rarely does bad in survivor, and there is definitely a method that I need to try and ruin. On this current tribe I am with Steffen. My previous game with him was Hawaii and we all know how that went. I still don't exactly know how this game is going to go. I am leaning more toward not working with him and I don't want him to take it personally. There are just other people here that I have more of a desire to work with that I haven't gotten the chance to actually work with in the past. Speaking of which, me and Billy seem to have reconciled and I think we are both in a civil place with each other and things may work out better here between us. TAR with Jay was pretty good, I like Jay, and I know he close with Mitch whom I worked well with in Hawaii. So them two are an obvious pair for me to work with right now and I am liking it so far. My absolute favorite in this game at this point is Dan. I like talking to him, we both wanna work together, and I think it could be really great. Currently I would say David is my closest ally in this game. That vote where I almost went home instead of Katie I am a bit suspicious of who one of the votes for me were and I heard from someone that David had told them that Katie should have stayed. I don't EXACTLY know what that means but I am being cautious of that. He hasn't yet showed me any real reason to not trust him, but if he wants to do something or work with someone that I don't agree with then I may not feel as bad cutting him. One reason why I am trusting him is so far we are thinking the same. We both think it is currently a good idea to work with Jay and Mitch but to watch out for them because they have a clear bond to each other and with Drew that will be difficult to get between. Hopefully he isn't just using that against me because that would be sad. So here's to hoping that he is legit about all this! The next issue that comes to mind is Sam G. We never explicitly say what we are gonna do when we are in a game together. We never actively work together and we never actively work against each other at this point. We see where the game takes us and go from there. I just don't want anyone to peg us two as a threat for working together. That would be annoying. I really just never know how to approach things with her in terms of working together so only time will tell how this game goes. 

Conf #14: Also these people cant carry on a conversation now i know im one to talk but Van hasnt responded back gabriel hasnt responded back Jay ended with saying "me" like thanks for not continuing anything!

I’m so fucking upset that I’m separated from Ash like you have no idea man we just solidified that we were gonna be loyal af to each other no matter what and now this happens ANYWAY, our trust clusterfuck was separated too. I have Steffen and Billy still, which is nice. I hope that the three of us will stick together. But 3/12 on this new tribe is not majority so I gotta start talking to some old friends from the past (Jay/even Dan now lmao), some old sorta adversaries but we still cool as far as I know (Stevie), some new people, and even someone that’s a blast from the past which I was hardly involved with but this still gave me some hardcore nostalgia [12/13/2016 12:02:53 AM] Mitch: VAN [12/13/2016 12:03:01 AM] Mitch: Oh my god the only good person from Spain left [12/13/2016 12:03:12 AM] Van: omfg that's right! [12/13/2016 12:03:25 AM] Van: I honest to god forget that I was in Spain sometimes LMAO Mitch was in Spain too but we never got to meet due to me getting removed from that but Mitch went on with the flattery saying that he’s been rooting for me in every game since Aeolian which is <3 flattery works on me man lmao so I wanna work with Mitch. Mitch told me that Stevie and Jay are a group that’s working on getting majority right now and he’d like to join that group with me. I didn’t say I wouldn’t but I said I wanna keep Steffen in the loop and he seems like he’s good with it. Of course I wanna keep Billy in too but don’t wanna give away too much with all these people on this tribe yikes Jay told me that he heard the vote is gonna be Sam which is A-OK WITH ME. Never got to vote her out of Niue so going for it this time sounds great. My only concern is that Sam and Billy seem close so idk if Billy would really want to go for it. I mean as long as majority falls onto Sam then it’s all good but who knows. I talked with Steffen and we’re gonna try to figure out where everyone is at then give each other info in a couple hours. WHEW I gotta pack and get on the road soon so idk if I’ll have an update confessional but if I do then it’ll most likely be a panicked one like normal. At least this time it’ll be in the comfort of my home rather than my dorm room Also RIP me accidentally calling my All-Start chat while trying to get the confessional link 

So I'm voting for Sam. Which is terrible because I love her so much but she hasn't really been around. I also am getting super close to Stevie because I'm pretty sure him and I are the same person. He told me that he would have me, Jay, Sara, and Mitch's votes to get Sam out and I even asked Van who they were voting for and they said Sam. There's really nothing I can do to save her because I can't find that damn idol to save my life. It is what it is though :/

So it looks like people are targeting Ashley, praise God!!!! Ashley is targeting Punpun which is,, whatever. So far there's at least 4 votes down for Ashley, including me, Jordan has said yes to everyone so idk what he's up to, I might check with him again later, Charlotte Chrissa idk what either of them are up to but hopefully I could get one or both of them on board? And Ash is a possibility too because Ashley is lying to her, telling her to vote Karen, so maybe if I expose Ashley we can get Ash on board. If this all fails, knowing Karen she probably has an idol so that can be our safety net. 

Conf #15: Im Screaming? I came up with Gabriels name tonight to Stevie, Stevie told Billy, AND THEN BILLY CAME TO ME AND ASKED IF I WOULD JOIN HIM IN THE VOTE. AS IF I DIDNT SAY THAT NAME!!! If only he knew that Stevie and I are good. Oh also Stevie still doesnt know I vote him oops