#im stressing about this a lot now fml

[melodyatlas]

my plan for the evening was to play video games but apparently my computer has decided that that's not allowed 🙃

im gonna go be upset for a lil while and then hopefully relax enough to try and write 👍

[danielnelsen]

finally playing the sword & shield dlc (yes i’m a little late to the party lmao) and woooow crown tundra is so much more enjoyable than isle of armour

[ribbonpinky-art]

feeling melancholic and hopeless again. so im gonna just write out my emotions and none of it correlating. self pity post galore

im thinking about things. life is rough. so stressful. my mental illness is worsening by the day. lots of stuff happens behind the scenes that i choose to not talk about

and what im thinking about now, is that who was once one of my absolute comforts (junko).. im thinking abt that adorable little fumo plush of her i ordered several months ago is just sitting on top of my other plushies.. that i wasn't even excited to have her when she first arrived.

i didn't care.

and that hurt, knowing i didn’t, remembering how much she once meant to me.

same with my Chang’e. i want nothing to do with either of them now. they no longer bring me an ounce of comfort, only dread and remnants of a self indulgent story of kindness that once lifted me up. it all died. feels too idealistic. i feel like im too much of an outcast to let this story exist outside my private circles. i dont even want it anymore, or if i want to ever again

i think as of lately, focusing on oc’s (including ones i havent spoken of yet) has been better for my state of mind

doesnt help that im kiiinda only appreciated for my Junko works!!!! awesome!! i dont want to draw her anymore !!! fml!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! other people are better at drawing her than me anyway, ya wont miss me. lemme focus on my evil lady oc instead...

maybe im being melodramatic, and i do not care. perhaps in a few months i will be enamored with them again? idk. idc either

i feel more disconnected than ever to fandom, when i was seldom a part of any of it in the first place. im that person that exists on the outskirts, not really part of their community. im disconnected to people. i cant make connections with anyone, but i never could .. ok . i could, with a couple folks here and there. im grateful they want me around (not counting my partner of course, theyre the best thing thats ever happened to me. im not just lucky, im fortunate af we met at all)

im aware of my own issues- im autistic, im unmedicated when i probably need meds to regulate my emotions, i live in a toxic family. im triggered terribly easily, and when im hurt, it *hurts*.

 i fear that, because of my strange way of speaking and how a lot of my conversations are stilted, and what i perceive as unusual behavior-- i fear i make other people creeped out/uncomfortable. irl or otherwise. like, maybe ppl will be friendly to me at first, but after a year and i dont say much anything and im just this creepy, quiet weirdo to them now. and thats so silly. whats creepy about me?? im a pint size thing who cant even look anyone in the eye very well. is that creepy?? ok, i struggle to talk sometimes, i might be uninterested in conversation but i dont want to be disliked for it-- idk ((ok i have “Creep” by Radiohead set in my mind because of my mental state, and its kinda funny to me for some reason)

i genuinely feel like i lack intelligence. i suck at thinking. i suck at thinking of words, remembering things, and the tiny mistakes i do make are SO small that it should be impossible to make the mistake in the first place. was i always like this? i feel like i used to be smarter , lol

i am quite literally, a complete failure in my family. i cant stress the truth in that enough. even my grandmother is disappointed in me and only wants to see a text message from me saying i got a worthy job in my field. that only thing that matters to anyone, my one and only point of interest in everyone i speak to in my life even outside my family, is that i dont have a real job. thats it. everyone is waiting for me to be.. someone.

because im no one.

but none of them have been a particularly positive influence in my life, seeing as im stuck here.

i genuinely feel disgusting for existing. my body feels wrong to be in when i am visible to any human being. perhaps even to any animal and bug, too. i dont want to be looked at, to be remembered by anyone who wont understand me

nothing is changing!!!!! and when it is, its worse than before!! why cant i just be brave and GO

..

..

..

not all of this reflects reality. i beat myself up a lot. mirrin knows it. i know it.

it hurts

[sunnisurrealism]

Hi Timothée,

I can’t even describe how I feel. Today the package with the first USB arrived at my house, the day after I left for Calgary. So I officially know you didn’t get it 😞😖😔I accidentally said in the video below it arrived yesterday but I meant to say his morning while I was still sleeping. My Timothée, I am so so soooooo sorry. I had no idea. I shouldn’t have lost the tracking receipt and I shouldn’t have put on so many weird stickers. I have no idea why it didn’t send, maybe I was just being naive and the stickers made it look sus. For some reason god decided this. I’m really fucking concerned my roommates will know this package was for you but I forget it I put your full name on it and I don’t know if they’ll google Jessica Kolstad out of curiosity. Either way I’ll look like a fucking weirdo. Timothée I am so so sorry I had no idea your German cream never arrived after those memes that is so fucking ironic. God is making this more painful for you. I really don’t know why it would’ve been denied at the border. I just cannot even grasp my mind if you flew out to LA for nothing. You must have been infuriated. It must have wasted a lot of your time. Jesus. Dude I am so so sorry idk why it didn’t work. I feel like a fucking idiot. My Timothée I am so so so sorry. This next package was less conspicuous but still slightly weird tbh but not as alarming omg what is my problem. Okay I really hope this one arrives. Can you please make a post indicating whether it has? 😔😔😔I am so sorry My Love.this is also problematic cuz I probably talked to you assuming we were on the same page based on what I talked about in the voice notes on that usb. Oh whatever fuck it. I’m rly in shock. At least we know now. I really fucking hope this next one isn’t returned when I’m gone because I put your name on it and my roommates will be concerned at me. Whenever I make jokes about you around them it’s awkward af. Fml 😖 I kept the tracking receipt for this latest mail. It’s too bad I’m always sending mail right before I’m off to Victoria or Calgary and that I don’t have my shit together more to be more organized😔 these past few months have been really stressful tryna deliver for you tbh. I still want to obviously but it’s hella stressful for me. idk what happened but I would recommend informing the agency to always keep an eye out for mail from my name. I know it’s revealing your secrets if they don’t know already I mean but I’m wondering if I didn’t put your name on it or something maybe they didn’t know what to do with this weirdo package? Idk I forget. fml. Oh well. Technically this is plot stuff and no one was physically hurt, tho your blue balls truly must be on another level now 😔 everything moves so slow in the sim movie. I’m sure you realized god was testing you and it’s not my fault. Jesus tho. Im going to try my hardest to figure out why it didn’t send to try to prevent this from happening again. I’m so sorry my king.

Last night I dreamt it was the beginning of our relationship and we were hanging on a bed with all our friends. We wanted to kiss and thought it would be better to go somewhere more private but we couldn’t help ourselves and started making out 🫠 it was like our first time 🫠 I was beneath you and your were crawling on top of me while kissing me and your tongue felt so nice against mine, and it was really overwhelming but I liked it. I was trying to pull your groin into mine but you were teasing me and I was upset. But you couldn’t lean into mine because your friend or pr people were pulling you back cuz you were late to a photo shoot. And then you were off and away. Commercial vibes. I was sad cuz we were just getting going 😭

I also dreamt I was in Ansbach, my “ancestral” hometown in Germany. There was lots of construction and I was trying to go through it to get to the Altstadt, the old town. I was visiting and deeply wanted to see the old cobble stone streets (wanting to see old streets in Europe is a reoccurring dream of mine). I got past the construction and noticed a weird man I had seen in Ansbach before and thought it was crazy locals recognized me even tho I didn’t live there. I also saw young people improv playing in a park by the River, with beautiful costumes, just for themselves. I thought, Ansbach low key has very cool culture happening here, I should definitely bring Timothée here. People were taking Venetian gondolas down the river deep into the streets to access the altstadt. Don’t worry Timothée, one day I take you.

Again, I’m feel so fucking insane disappointed today. I really can’t believe it. I’m really fucking praying this next one will send. I still need to figure out why the first didn’t. I’m really sad about all this, I’m so so sorry Timothée. This is some karmic thing from the gods I don’t understand. Bless up and I’m so sorry again and I’ll try to be better next time.

[pride-raven]

.

[miedei]

please i was at school reading battle of the labyrinth on my phone and when i reached that part I HAD TO GO TO THE BATHROOM TO SQUEAL BECAUSE HSKSHSJZJZJZB THEY JUST KISSED HELLOOOO?????????????????

the hp series was good too but fuck jkr istg i looked up to her but she's,,,,, idk man she's weird now it's disappointing wished avada kedavra was real rn 😩

also my girlfriend pisses me off as much as percy stressing annabeth lmao but i love her😭 she just talks a lot of nonsense most of the time but im glad she has patience for my dramatic ass too jsjdjsjdjdj

also i think i won an argument with my older sis getting disney+ so im gonna watch the show😎

AND I GOT INTO ONE OF THE SCHOOL'S I ENROLLED IN JSJDJDJDJDJ IM STARTING CLASS LIKE THIS MONDAY FML

i legit squealed and bugged my big sister about it all day she hated me 😭

yeah same it was good but i do not wanna support her i'm trying to convince myself that emma watson wrote the books now

omfg you and your girlfriend sound so cuteee she sounds awesome i need to get me someone who'll put up with my dramatic self too

YAY YOU GOT IN YOURE SO SMART WOOHOOO you have to go into class monday tho?? good luck even the thought of going back to school stresses me

[dvp95]

can’t breathe when you touch my sleeve - chapter 10

pairing: dan howell/phil lester

rating: e

warnings: none

tags: alternate universe, slow burn, fluff & humour, tiny bit of inner turmoil wrt sexuality but trust me it’s not that deep, deeper than anticipated but still not that deep y'all this is primarily silly, eventual smut, idiots in love

word count: 4,286 for this chapter (45,795 total)

summary: Dan keeps making a fool of himself in interviews, to the point where it’s basically a meme. Now he’s got to sit down for the better part of an hour and sell his show to the YouTuber he’d had a massive crush on when he was a teenager.

read from the beginning on ao3 or on tumblr!

read this chapter on ao3 or here!

"Daniel?"

Dan blinks. He blinks again, zoning back into the conversation he's supposed to be a part of.

"Er," he says, sheepish. "What was the question?"

"Are you sure you're feeling okay, Daniel?" the woman asks - the interviewer asks, fuck, this is like the sixth time he's asked her to repeat herself. "I heard you were ill yesterday, weren't you?"

He wasn't. But that is what Jaime and Patrick had sworn up and down to anyone who asked, because they're good partners in crime like that. They look like they regret it now.

"Yeah, Daniel," Jaime says, stressing his name in a way that makes Dan think she's one more fuckup from smacking him in the back of the head. He'd probably deserve it, at this point. He can't remember being this scatterbrained in his whole life, and that's saying something. "You sure you're okay being out of bed?"

The word 'bed' gets stressed too, just a bit, and Dan feels a flush creeping up his neck.

It's honestly unreasonable how he can't seem to focus on the task at hand, which is answering softball questions about the show he's worked on for three years, because his mind keeps drifting back to Phil.

Phil, who he'd left in bed with Thor, all sleepy noises and grumpiness at Dan needing to leave. Phil, who has the day off and might still be mostly naked and lazy while he waits for Dan to come back. Phil, who he only has three days left with.

Three more days in London. Two sleeps. And Dan has shit to do every single goddamn day of it.

This is a work trip, technically. They've got a handful of interviews the next two days that couldn't be scheduled for their first London stretch, and then they're going to France. That's exciting, it is, a mark of success that Dan never expected for himself, but right now he's frustrated by anything that cuts into the time he could be using to kiss Phil.

Dan is so busy remembering how Phil's mouth had felt against his that he forgets to answer the question. He can practically feel his eyes glaze over.

"Daniel," Patrick says, audibly exasperated.

It takes a lot to get Patrick to that point, so Dan ducks his head and mumbles another apology.

"He's fine," Jaime tells the very nice and concerned interviewer whose name Dan has long forgotten. "He's just got a lot on his mind right now and he's really shit at multitasking."

"Hey," says Dan. It's a weak protest.

The interviewer is a tall woman with kind eyes that crinkle into laughter lines when she smiles at him. She's dressed casually, has a denim jacket with patches and pins all over it, and Dan feels his eyes linger at the rainbow on her pocket.

What is that like? To be so certain and so confident that you can wear it on your sleeve even in a professional environment? Dan doesn't know that he'll be able to get there.

He wants to compliment her on it. It's the same urge he had in the restaurant with Phil's family, vocalizing that he wishes he could wear more nail polish. The same swirling anxiety of being judged for it follows quickly, but this time it's amplified by the recording device in the interviewer's hand, the knowledge that anything he says right now will be analyzed to death later.

Dan wants to live authentically, and he wants to get to a place where he doesn't need to hide, but he's frustrated by the reality of how much progress that's going to take. It's not going to be easy, it already hasn't been, and it's never going to stop.

Even with making a name for himself and having an audience, Dan knows that coming out publicly still won't stop strangers from making assumptions about him or demanding an explanation for the women he's been seen with. He'll have to come out over and over and - it's scary. It's really scary.

The compliment catches in his throat. He can't say it to someone recording him, no matter how kind her eyes are. He hasn't even told his grandma yet.

"I like your jacket," he says instead. He feels like a coward for it.

"Thanks," the woman says brightly, looking down at herself and tapping one of her bigger patches. "Customized it myself, obviously. It's a wee bit more colourful than you like to be seen in, right?"

The casual chirping helps Dan relax, reminds him that this is a laid-back interview with easy questions. Nobody is shining a heat lamp on him and asking for an expose on how he spent part of last night inside of another man.

He grins and shrugs. "Yeah, alright, I wear a lot of black. Sue me. I can still think colours look nice on some people."

Great. Now he's thinking about Phil again.

"Like Jaime," Patrick offers, tugging at one of Jaime's bubblegum braids. Dan still can't tell if it's a wig or not, but she smacks Patrick's hand away like it's her own hair.

"That's true," says Dan. "Jaime wears as much black as I do, though, I dunno that she's the best example."

Patrick nods, solemn. "At least her hair is interesting."

"Oi, fuck you. Sorry," Dan adds sheepishly. Even though this is an online print interview, he still feels a little bit of shame whenever he slips up and curses during an interview.

The woman - Cara? Catherine? Camilla? Ca-something? - just laughs and waves his apology off.

With an ease that Dan can't help but notice isn't quite as practised as Phil's, the interviewer moves on to questions about their other cast members. While they don't have any trouble making fun of each other, it's even more fun to exaggerate stories of people who aren't here to defend themselves.

Dan tries so hard to participate. He does. He laughs in all the right places and gives Jaime grief for not remembering something right, because he's given this poor interviewer nothing of substance. The thing is that Jaime is better at telling stories and Patrick is so dry and stoic with interrupting jokes that Dan knows he isn't needed for this. He lets them bicker over a story detail that he's long forgotten and feels himself start to zone back out.

He listens to Patrick's slow timbre, Jaime's trill of a laugh, and lets his mind drift back to where it wants to be.

--

Even though it's tempting, Dan isn't stupid enough to text Phil in the middle of doing his fucking job. He has to resort to checking his phone between interviews and pictures, getting more and more pouty about the lack of response to the things he's sending throughout the morning. Phil must be having a lie-in, because it takes him a couple of hours to even see Dan's texts.

ugh i should have just stayed in bed

pls send thor pics

and you pics but like give me a heads up if your dick is out im at work

i dropped my coffee on jaimes lap fml shes gonna kill me

im just so distracted lmaooo

canft believe youre just asleep thats so rude

Oh nooooooo. I always cry over spilt coffee :( you want me to bring you one? I can come hang out for lunch!

The sweet text is accompanied by a photo of Thor asleep on the sofa, his little head pillowed on Phil's knee. Phil is wearing Dan's pyjama pants and - it's hard to tell for sure, with the way the photo is angled, but Dan thinks he's got the Friends shirt on. Frankly, that should be gross. Dan wore that shirt for way too long for it not to smell like, well, his sweat, and that is objectively not sexy.

Dan feels gooey warmth spread from his stomach outwards, anyway. Maybe it is gross, but it makes him happy to think about Phil's shirt smelling like him the way that his own Yeezy shirt still faintly smells like Phil. He covers his mouth with a hand so nobody milling around will see him grinning like an idiot.

thats ok, Dan texts back one-handed. yall look comfy you should stay. i'll b back for dinner and snuggles ok?

Ok! ^_^

God, but Dan wants to be there now. He wants to be the one cuddled up with his head in Phil's lap. He recognises that it's very stupid to be jealous of a dog, but he isn't going to let that stop him.

"Hey, Howell." Patrick's voice interrupts the daydream of slender fingers carding through Dan's hair.

Dan blinks. He blinks again, looks up.

"I didn't even see you sit down," Dan tells him, bemused. They're sharing a bench in the building's lobby, not wanting to go too far in case they need to go back upstairs for more photos during the short break in their day.

"Yeah, you're on another planet," says Patrick. Dan wishes he could argue that fact. "Things went well with your whole Love Actually emergency, then?"

The reference pulls Dan up short. He feels his brow furrow as he walks through the entire film in his head. "What are you talking about? None of this happened in Love Actually."

"It's British, isn't it," Patrick says nonsensically.

"I don't," Dan starts, but then he gives up. He and Patrick are close as coworkers - friends, even - but Dan never quite understands the links that Patrick's brain makes. "It went well. It went really well. I don't know if Jaime told you everything I texted her, but I like... fully ended up meeting the family."

Patrick's eyebrows raise slightly. That's quite a reaction, from him. "You met the parents? Bro. You just started dating."

They're not in an overly crowded area, but people keep waking by them on their way in or out of the building, so Dan is pleasantly surprised to discover that Patrick can play the pronoun game, too.

"Yeah," says Dan. He doesn't want to get into the mix-up right now. He's sure that Patrick will have another incomprehensible reference when he hears about it. "But it just feels... I dunno. Right? In a way other people haven't? Maybe that's obvious."

"It's not obvious," says Patrick. He's snapping a hair elastic around his wrist idly, the gesture something Dan had thought was an expression of annoyance or frustration when they first met. Dan knows now that it means Patrick is tired, that he wants to shove his hair off his shoulders and stop it from tickling his neck. They're only halfway through their day, though, still a couple of photoshoots to get through, so he can't put his hair up just yet.

Dan knows so much about these people. He's learned it all from such close proximity for the past three years, but he also genuinely likes spending time with them. He feels, suddenly, very guilty for wishing cancellation on this thing they've all worked so hard for.

"Sorry," Dan says.

"For what?"

He doesn't really know how to voice it. He shrugs. "For being a shit coworker right now."

Patrick gives him an indecipherable look and shakes his head. "Daniel," he says, "you're not being a shit coworker."

"I kind of am, though," says Dan. "Like I can't focus at all, I'm missing interviews, and I... I don't know how much I want to go back to Atlanta. Is that bad?"

"Why would that be bad?" Patrick hums. "This is your home."

Home isn't an easy concept for Dan to wrap his head around. He hadn't had a happy one for most of his life, hadn't been able to find somewhere that felt quite right ever since he escaped that. So it's a little disconcerting when Patrick's words settle into his chest and feel like indisputable truth.

"London is home," Dan echoes, wondering it it feels just as right coming out of his own mouth. It does. His head is spinning, a bit.

"Yeah," Patrick says, like it's that easy.

Dan gives himself a little shake back into the present. He smiles, wry. "Still, I probably shouldn't be crossing my fingers under tables for the producers to shut us down."

For a moment, Patrick looks confused. Dan is all ready to apologise again, shove those feelings down, but Patrick just says, "So negotiate your contract. You know that you aren't required by law to see the show through to the end, right? You can just not come back for season four, or only come back for a couple episodes instead of a full season."

They're sat in a fairly public area, with other people walking about, but Dan could hear a pin drop in the shattering silence that rings in his ears at Patrick's use of logic.

"I," says Dan, "did not think of that."

Patrick nods. "You kind of tunnel-vision sometimes, has anyone ever told you that?"

--

By the time Dan returns to Phil's building, he's talked himself into and back out of quitting his job a dozen times. It's a dumb decision, but not much dumber than simply waiting for someone else to make the decision for him.

He decides to call Amy when he's in France and talk the options through with her. She's already looking for potential gigs in the UK for him, so hopefully the conversation isn't going to come as much of a surprise to her. The last thing he needs is for his agent to get upset with him over making changes in his life.

Dan's head is buzzing with it, loud enough to give him a headache. He texts Phil that he's outside and waits to be let in. He gets an intrusive domestic fantasy of letting himself in with his own key, and reminds himself to rein in this U-Haul bullshit.

"Hey!" Phil beams as he opens the door and steps back for Dan to come in. Other people live on the other floors, but Phil still leans in for a long kiss the moment the door closes behind Dan.

It sends sparks up Dan's spine and quiets some of the unending noise in his head. He sighs, leans into the kiss, wraps his arms around Phil's waist to pull him even closer.

He's cognizant of where they are, though, so he pulls back to rest their foreheads together after a moment. "Hey yourself."

"Did you have a good day?" Phil asks, his tri-coloured eyes bright and unguarded.

"Yeah, but it's better now," says Dan. He's parroting what Phil said to him yesterday, and he can tell that Phil recognises it from the little smile on his face. "You look nice. You showered just for me?"

Phil laughs and tugs at Dan's wrist, pulling him down the stairs. They've got four left feet between them, honestly, so it's a miracle nobody takes a nosedive.

"Yeah," he says as they narrowly avoid any number of broken bones. He presses Dan against the wall next to his front door and grins at him. "But it was also for the judgey moms at the dog park. You look nicer, you didn't take the makeup off?"

To be honest, Dan had forgotten it was even on his face. He settles his hands on Phil's hips and smiles. "They made me look like the best version of me, why would I erase all their hard work?"

"Mm, you do look pretty," Phil says, and Dan is lucky to have his back against a wall. His knees might have actually buckled at the praise if he was unsupported.

"Pretty, huh?" Dan asks. He tries to keep his tone dry, like it's a big joke, but Phil's big eyes just see too much.

"Very pretty," says Phil. Dan doesn't know how to handle being complimented by Phil's deep, sincere voice, but he isn't given much of a chance to react before Phil is speaking again. "But I don't know that I'd call this the best version of you. You looked really nice when you came, y'know."

"Fuck, Phil," Dan laughs, a little breathless. "I was literally gone for ten hours."

"Ten hours too many," Phil grumbles.

Dan laughs again, but he has to admit that Phil has a point. The day had absolutely dragged on with the knowledge that his probably-boyfriend was waiting for him.

"You wanna go inside, then?" Dan suggests, running his thumbs just under the hem of Phil's clean shirt. "I'll do a lot of things, but this floor is cement, mate. I'm not blowing you out here."

The giggle that's surprised out of Phil makes Dan smile so wide it hurts his cheeks. He smacks the center of Dan's chest lightly and steps back to let them both into his flat. "I was thinking we could, like, order dinner first or whatever, but I'm not going to complain if you want to switch up the itinerary."

"The itinerary," Dan mocks, looking around for a ball of fluff running directly at them as he struggles with his shoes. "Uh, where's Thor?"

"Uh," says Phil. There's colour high in his cheeks that he tries to hide by flopping onto the sofa. The sweats he stole off of Dan don't really leave much to the imagination at all, not when he's sitting like that, and Dan almost loses his balance when he stands up straight. The pink doesn't leave Phil's face, but a knowing smirk joins it. "He's in the bathroom."

Dan's heart skips like an old CD player and he laughs to mask just how fond he is. "Uh huh, and here you are acting like you were really ordering food first."

"Well," Phil says, his smirk growing, "we could still order first, it'd be at least twenty."

"Sounds like a challenge," Dan hums, coming around the sofa to sit on the other end and lean forward, kissing the sliver of skin where Phil's shirt is riding up. "Why don't you do that, and I'll go get a bloody condom."

Phil blushes, proper blushes, and pulls a packet out of his pocket. "Ta-da," he jokes, weakly. "For my next trick -"

"If you say you're going to make your penis disappear," Dan says, flat, "then I'm walking out."

They just look at each other for a long moment, like a staring contest neither of them initiated, and then Phil snorts. That sets them both off and soon enough they're laughing, Dan's nose tucked against Phil's hipbone and Phil's hand over his mouth.

"I wasn't going to say that," Phil insists, still giggling. "I wasn't."

"Sure you weren't." Dan grins up at him and slides up his body, a little less graceful than he'd imagined it in his head. He presses their smiles together and licks into Phil's mouth. A little noise passes between them when Phil's hands find their way into Dan's hair, but Dan isn't sure which of them it comes from.

The giddy feeling of laughter doesn't leave Dan's chest. He lets it make a home there as he trails kisses all over Phil's long, pale neck. He doesn't need to guess when Phil likes something - he squirms and makes these little huffs of noises, grip on Dan's curls tightening just a bit before it loosens again. It feels impossibly powerful to learn how to take Phil apart like this, like they're teenagers snogging on the sofa in their first relationship.

It's strange that this does feel like a first relationship for Dan, in a lot of ways. He loved his first girlfriend and cared about other women he's dated, but it's not the same at all.

Finally, Dan is allowed to feel all the things he's supposed to have felt when he was younger. He's allowed to let budding affection and lust and friendship all wrap up in one person.

"So, the piercings," Dan murmurs, letting his hand slide up Phil's shirt to toy with one of them.

"What about them?" Phil asks. He already sounds impatient and needy, like he had last night, and the sound of it goes straight to Dan's dick.

Dan laughs and sits up, helping Phil get his shirt off over his head. "I mean, do they do things for you? Do they feel good when I touch them? How do you want me to touch them to make them feel good?"

"Do you always ask this many questions during sex?" Phil asks, dry.

There's no point in lying. "Yeah, I tend to babble." Dan gives him a winning smile and taps at Phil's hips, a silent request for him to lift up. Phil does happily, arching up for Dan and letting his stolen sweats get tugged off. "Guess you'll have to shut me up somehow."

Phil laughs, muffling the sound of it with his palm, and shakes his head. He looks so fucking gorgeous like this, giggly and naked and starting to get hard against his thigh. Dan has no idea how he got this lucky.

"That's such a terrible line," Phil informs him, grinning wide. He doesn't seem bothered by Dan being dressed when he isn't. He just settles back against the cushions and wiggles a bit, either trying to get comfortable or just teasing Dan. Either is possible at this point.

"It's not a line," Dan protests, shrugging his jacket off and settling back between Phil's legs. He presses his mouth to Phil's soft tummy and, unable to help himself, blows a raspberry.

Phil kicks out at him, instinctive, and his tongue is trapped between his teeth as he tries to hold back giggles.

"My nipples aren't sensitive," Phil tells him, voice wavering with some combination of amusement and arousal. He drops a hand to wrap around his own cock, thumbing at the metal on the tip of it. "This is. It, like, tugs. It's nice."

Biting back a groan at the sight, Dan digs around for the condom. He impatiently knocks Phil's hand out of the way to get him hard enough that he can roll it on. The piercing just above his balls settles nicely at the bottom of the latex, almost like it's holding it in place. Dan rolls it between his fingers, watches Phil's eyes flutter closed. "And this one?"

"Not as much. Still good, though." Phil's tongue darts out to lick his lips, and Dan grins at the unconscious reminder of what he's meant to be doing.

It's not the most comfortable for them to be laid out on the sofa like this, lanky as they are, but Dan isn't nineteen anymore. His knees do not hold up the way they used to. He wraps his hand around the base of Phil's cock and lets the tips of his fingers idly play with the metal bar as he finally gets his mouth on Phil.

Dan isn't used to the taste of latex accompanying a blowjob, but it isn't unpleasant. He gives Phil a couple of long licks and then sucks lightly at the head, not sure how much pressure Phil likes yet.

That's something he thinks he'd love to learn. He wants to know everything about Phil's body, wants to make him tremble with it.

Dan is extremely offended when he glances up and sees that Phil is tapping something on his phone, but the offense settles when Phil huffs a laugh and says, "Put in for takeaway. All yours, now."

The phone gets put down and Dan tongues at the bump of Phil's Prince Albert ring through the condom. That makes Phil's breath hitch, his hips jerk just a bit.

It's been years since Dan has had a cock in his mouth, but he likes to think it's like riding a bike. He takes Phil deep, hollows out his cheeks, repeats any motion that makes Phil let out soft groans. He forgot how much he likes this, fuck.

Much like everything else, it's somehow impossibly better with Phil.

Phil keeps a hand in Dan's hair and braces the other on the back of the sofa, breathing hard, and Dan doesn't want to close his eyes and miss a fucking moment of this.

"Fuck," Phil breathes, and Dan responds with an answering moan around his dick. "Yeah, alright, that's - fuck, Dan, you feel so good, look so pretty like that."

The praise still makes Dan shudder. He sucks Phil harder, feeling the weight of Phil's cock on his tongue as he speeds up his movements.

Dan remembers blowjobs to be pretty fast. He also never gave one to a man older than twenty, though, and his jaw starts to ache once he realises that Phil isn't going to be pushed over the edge as quickly as he's used to.

He pulls off to give his jaw a break, stroking Phil and pressing his open mouth along the side of him.

"You think I feel nice?" Dan laughs, pleased by the way the gust of air makes Phil's cock twitch. "Fucking, forgot how good this feels."

"Yeah?" Phil prompts, his voice deep and breathy and so, so nice to listen to. No wonder he's so successful on the radio. "You like sucking cock?"

Dan shivers. "Yeah," he says. He's unashamed, because he feels safe here with Phil. He can admit to liking a cock in his mouth, a hand in his hair, being called pretty. "Yours specifically, though."

Phil laughs. "That's good. I like specifically your cock, too." He looks over at his kitchen for a moment and raises his eyebrows. "I'll get dressed and answer the door when the pizza gets here if you can make me come in the next five minutes."

Well. Never let it be said that Dan Howell backs down from a challenge.

[harryfeatgaga]

I’m am genuinely really sorry you got waitlisted, I’m sending a lot of positive vibes that you get to be a part of the presale tomorrow or get tickets on Friday! Hell half the presale people will probs have to get tickets in the general sale anyway lol

thank you angel 💖

Anonymous said: OH no Paige! I'm so sorry! i'm so confused by this whole process i wasn't apart of it last time and i'm so confused by why everyone i follow on here is being wait listed. It makes no sense at all and i didn't even know that was a thing. sending you positive vibes and hoping your moms account gets one!

yeah me either I think its a new thing cause this didnt happen last time :(

Anonymous said: I got waitlisted too 😞 Harry is the only artist that I’m willing to spend money for and it sucks that Ticketmaster does this. I get that it’s to keep bots and stuff from buying tickets, but it still doesn’t seem fair

I know same lmao im so sad rn

Anonymous said: I also got waitlisted 😔 I’m hoping I can get tickets during general sales or that someone will eventually sell theirs at a reasonable price. I’ve never seen solo Harry and I’ve been trying since he started touring 🤧

I hope you get to see him!

Anonymous said: Paige I’m sad too because I got waitlisted 😞😭 I had already planned on going by myself because none of my friends want to go and now idk if I’ll even be able to get good tickets

we gotta stay positive!!!!!! im sorry you got waitlisted too :(

Anonymous said: Also to spread good luck, my dad got a code for the presale!! -m

my moms account got wait listed too...........fml

Anonymous said: really wish i was friends with harry styles so i didn’t have to stress about getting tickets to see said harry styles

mood

Anonymous said: I didn’t get any new email about a code at all what does that mean 🥺 I might just buy a ticket with an American Express card . I just got an email Friday about my registration for fan presale is complete but nothing yesterday or today

yeah I might try the amex thing......I need to check the balance on my card tho okjnfbhuvjikl

Anonymous said: i got waitlisted too this stinks 😖

yes it does

Anonymous said: I feel like a total assole asking this beaut does anyone know when they text you the code? I’ve never done this before so idk what I’m doing, I feel bad sending this 😔

last time it was like two hours before the pre sale started

Anonymous said: I’m sending you every positive vibe I hope you get the code in your moms account 🙏🏼🤞🏼

unfortunately no luck but ty :(

Anonymous said: Fingers crossed that you get off the waitlist soon! Are you planing to go to the Boston show?

yeah I am and my moms account was for nyc but alas lmao :( ty tho I hope so too

Anonymous said: i got an email from ticketmaster saying i’m on the waitlist 🥺 no code for me 🥺

emo hours are upon us

Anonymous said: ill jump into traffic with you, i got waitlisted too👋- septum anon

lets go girls!

Anonymous said: i got waitlisted too... and i live in new york (about an hour away from the city) and i know how so many out of state harries want to go to his new york shows and seeing the ones i follow on twit post about getting codes literally infuriates me lollll

it sucks lmao and meanwhile some people got multiple codes like....lmao okay

[laurensilog]

Get to know me...

... cuz im really bored right now 😐

A) What does the last text you sent say? And to whom? ”I need to pee tho” - to my brother 😂

B) What does the last text you recieved say? And from whom? ”It has to be right now before the laker game starts” - from my brother 

C) What time do you wake up most mornings? 6:15am for work

D) Are you afraid of walking alone at night? Sometimes, depends if its a crowded area or not. If I’m afraid, I usually call someone on the phone to chat with me while i walk, which may or may not be a good idea. 

E) What do you do to relax at the end of a stressful day? Video games, watch twitch/youtube, listen to music.

F) Where did your last kiss take place and with whom? 👀

G) Do/did you get into trouble a lot at school? No, i was (still am) a nerd, we don’t get in trouble LOL

H) Do you enjoy your job? If unemployed, are you content being so? I do enjoy my job, sometimes its draining, but I really feel like i can stay at this company for a long time #blessed

I) Do you often pick up on double entendres and innuendos? Big time 😏... daddy. I mean wut?!

J) Have you ever been offered drugs but declined? Yeah, one time some rando came up to me and tried to sell, i was like “no, im cool” 

K) Have you ever met someone who has completely altered your way of thinking? Not really, you have to be pretty convincing to change my way of thinking. I’m a stubborn Capricorn. 

L) Have you ever been offered drugs and accepted? 😬

M) Tell us something weird that turns you on. When someone nerds out about something they’re really passionate about. I think its so adorable lol

N) When did someone last admit romantic or sexual feelings for you? Was the feeling mutual? The other way around. And no, it wasnt mutual. FML

O) What is something you have given a lot of thought to lately? I’ve been thinking a lot about what it means to “accept” someone completely, even the bad parts. 

P) When did you last swallow your beliefs to avoid an argument or confrontation? I do that all the time at work LOL! I had a patient that I disagreed with, but i had to force myself to see where they were coming from, which is probably just a place of fear. 

Q) Do you usually initiate hugs? No, hugs feel awkward... sometimes. 

R) Are you a very affectionate person? No, i’m the queen of repressing feelings. Gold cage, hostage to my feelings. 

S) Can you roll your own cigarettes? No, i don’t smoke. 

T) What are you looking forward to? Lover Fest West next year!!! AHHHHHHH!!!! 💜

U) Do you have any tattoos. Do you want any/more? No

V) Are you mentally strong? I’d like to think so, but I also have the tendency to just suffer in silence. I can do it for years. It’s probably not healthy. 

W) Are you physically strong? Hell no, i need help opening a bag of chips 😂

X) Do you think you’re a good person? I think so. I try to do the right thing and be considerate to others. 

Y) Name one thing you wish you could change about your life right now. To take more risks. 

Z) What do you usually eat for breakfast? I usually pack a granola bar and string cheese to eat at my desk at work. 

[delulusuga]

THE LEGEND OF HOW I GOT RID OF A CREEP AT AN INTERNSHIP

Hello, my dudes... this is an urban legend of how I, a 15 year old, who recently attended an internship at a hospital... met a creep (and a pedo?), and how I saved myself from the situation. (THIS IS NOT A HIGHLY RECOMMENDED WAY TO GO ABOUT IT... if you’re stuck in a situation like this, you should probably escape and get the hell out of there as soon as you can) Anyway, so... at my internship, I met this really friendly doctor who’s like 44 years old... she has an amazing fashion taste and a pretty good sense of humor and stuff... now, she is pretty social and has like a lot of friends who are also her patients and stuff .. Now, one fine day this 22 year old man walks in, who also happens to be a pretty good friend of this doctor, and tells her about a wound that he got on his toe because he fell down the stairs. When he walked in, the doctor introduced me to him, by the way, by saying “she’s a student..” or something (just so patients are not creeped tf out by a random stranger watching them succumb into diseases and death lol) ... and so he kinda happens to include me in the conversation and it’s all cool and not awkward (as not-awkward as it can get for an asocial hooman like me) ... and she walks out of the room at one point to get a sick leave (cuz he has a wound in his leg) and he asks me about the internship and school and stuff and like we kinda joke and we have a similar sense of humor and it’s KIND OF weird cuz he’s so friendly but I just take it as extroverts and their weird social behaviors lmao and I’m like okay.. whatever. He leaves and then that’s it for the day. However, he COMES BACK the next day (he has to - to redress his wound) and this time, we’re left alone for a longer time in the room and we joke more cuz like idk I’m funny?? Apparently?? Or maybe not....... Anyway, so like we’re in the middle of a conversation when the doc comes in with the sick leave paper and she’s like “I have a patient waiting” and she kinda rushes us BOTH OUT AND ASKS US TO WAIT FOR HER cuz apparently she wants to talk to him about her watch that she needs to get fixed or something (he works at like an electronic repair shop or something) ... and now this is where it’s WEIRD weird because why did she just send me out as well??? Like I’m SUPPOSED to be with her????? But everything happened in a rush so I couldn’t really say ‘no’ ... Anyway, so it just so happens that he hasn’t had his lunch and so there this cafe kind of thing right next to the hospital and he takes me there (I REALLY WANNA KILL MYSELF BY NOW) and like I have to go soon cuz like we were still conversing about something and idk it just happened in such a haze I don’t even remember how we ended up there and HE KEPT ME THERE FOR LIKE AN HOUR AND A HALF straight, no joke. And I wanted to shoot myself in the head because WHY TF WAS I BEING NICE AND NOT ASKING HIM TO FUCK OFF???? I mean, he told me about like him getting bullied or whatever in school but like SO WAS I????? AND HE IS 22??? HE FAILED 12TH GRADE??? IM SURE HE COUKD HANDLE A 15 YEAR OLD ASKING HIM TO FUCK OFF??? Anyway so that happened and I finally made an excuse to like go back. Now, we obviously had to talk during this one and a half hour like we couldn’t just stare at each other’s faces, could we? So like that happens and at one point I mention wanting to download Netflix on my laptop or something and he goes “NO THAT’S SO GAY!” And I’m like ????? That’s not funny???? And like I’m pretty defensive about it and stuff and I bring it up twice in the conversation telling him that that isn’t appropriate or like acceptable and he goes like “Are you...” and he doesn’t complete the sentence ( of course he doesn’t) and I say “I support them...let anyone love anybody..” and stuff because I don’t wanna open up to HIM about like my sexuality or whatever right... Also, he asks me my number as well but I refuse and give him my Instagram instead... Oh and, he gives me his Netflix username and password... and he says stupid things that’s like indirectly dropping hints and I’m like NO PLS THIS IS VV UNCOMFORTABLE. Anyway so after I escape from that situation, I have to deal with him on text when I get back home right... And by now I’m pretty stressed about this because I still have to see him FOR 3 MORE DAYS CUZ HE HAS TO COME FOR REDRESSING HIS WOUND and stuff so like fml... and like I start kinda getting anxiety when he says “2019 has already started on such a good note, I hope the rest of the year goes like this” on text and I LIKE PANIC AND TELL ONE OF MY BEST FRIENDS WHO IS NOT EVEN IN THE SAME COUNTRY AS ME... And now she gets really concerned about my safety and so she asks me to tell the doctor the next day when I go back to the internship (which I was obviously going to do anyway) and then she asks me for his Instagram ID ... and I give it to her. These are the events that follow: 1) She changes her username and her profile picture.. goes fully undercover. She changes her name, even. 2) She TEXTS him saying “hey” and now, we wait. (She sends me screenshots of the chat) 3) He replies a few minutes later with “Hello” 4) She says that I told her about my internship and she heard about him through me. 5) and he is like “ah okay...” 6) and now I ask her to say “YOURE 22????!!!!!!” Lmao , which she does... just to get the message across #nomercy 7) and then she says , “I’m her girlfriend, by the way” And this is very very believable as well because remember how I was so defensive about the gay thing and I brought I up twice and he was like ???? So... yes.... they had a passive-aggressive conversation which at one point just got kinda disgusting because he went like “I don’t get why you texted me... are you jealous?” LIKE FIRST OF ALL, WHAT THE FUCK. SECONDLY, WHAT THE FUCK. And she is obviously like “ why do I have to be jealous of you?” And stuff and there are various instances where she rubs it in that HE IS FUCKING 22... she also indirectly calls him a pedo at one point ( I was behind the scenes, controlling the conversation as well) And then he texts me saying “are you bi? Because apparently your alleged gf is chatting with me right now” and like I did with his previous messages, I ignore this one as well... however, I realize that if I ignored this particular one, when I see him the next day, I will have to answer or at least, hear him SPEAK to me ... if I just confirmed it, he wouldn’t talk to me (hopefully) ... and so I said “yes... I have a girlfriend” and THEN LOGGED TF OUT JUST IN CASE HE WAS ONLINE LOL Then, skip to next day... I manage to escape to another doctor’s cabin like 5 minutes before he comes in... so I don’t have to see him. Now, on that day I even told the doctor about it ( I told her about what my friend and I ended up doing as well ... she was laughing her ass off cuz SAME) and she was like “it’s partly my fault” and stuff and she was nice about it and was like I’m not going to leave you guys alone, don’t worry .. and stuff... and like when we he came to visit her ( I wasn’t there) ... he went like “did you know she is bi?????” Doc (who obviously knows what actually happened... but is also very cool about gays and stuff .. very open-minded) - “So what?” creep - “SHE IS BI!!!!!!” Doc - “so what??? Why you even mentioning it?? How does that make a difference?” Creep- *falls silent and is embarrassed* Doc - “it’s not like she likes me, does she?” (This is why I love her) And yeah so I was saved on that day... However, the next day... and the last day I have to see his face, he doesn’t come in, and we do meet ... but only for like 5 minutes and again, we’re not left alone this time... and yeah ... Now I just ignore his texts straight up and he asked my friend at one point (who also ignored his texts after that one conversation) - “ hey can I take your word for it? Like are you actually her gf?” AND MAN THAT IS SO FUCKING UNCOMFORTABLE JESUS She replies with “yes” and I ask her to block him.. which she does He then says “hey why are you acting so distant?” to me on text LIKE YOU HAVE THE AUDACITY YOU IDIOT... So yeah, that’s it... that’s how I got rid of a creepy desperate idiot... All I’m saying is, there were a lot of instances I could’ve bailed out in this situation, but I decided to be nice/not make a big deal out of it which I SHOULD NOT HAVE DONE. If something seems weird to you, then it IS WEIRD. Do not try to justify the opposite person and put your life in danger. Another important thing is that it’s hard to say no to people like him cuz he is good natured and also, he is much older than I am... that means he is also capable of a lot of things... specifically because we were pretty much alone at that point... so it’s not the same as an asshole in your grade who you can ask to fuck off, for instance... just make sure you’re safe... make sure you are AWARE of what you’re getting yourself into... you don’t have to go out of your way to please someone or to be nice if they make you uncomfortable. You’re not obligated to do that. Your only obligation is towards yourself - save yourself before you fend for someone else.

[mygh0stcrush]

i was tagged by @ilovemxwithallmyheart thanks bby 😘

Rules: tag 10 followers you want to get to know better

Star sign: cancer

Sexuality: bi af

Wallpaper: Lock screen & home screen

Where do you see yourself in 10 years?: i honestly dont know i dont think that far in life lmao. hopefully happy and not so stressed. hopefully painting and/or writing regularly

If you could be anywhere else right now, where would you be?: im at a starbucks rn so i really would rather be in bed. actually at any point in time im out of bed id rather be in my bed hahah

Who was your last kiss?: my teacher back in grade 2 made me kiss the most popular boy in class as a dare. i took about 5 min of resistance before i just relented and kissed him on the cheek lol

Have you ever been stood up?: not on a date-date but by my best friend a couple of times. she’s always hindered by something or other. i try not to take it to heart but it’s happened a lot and even tho she only does it when its really out of her hands. still it kinda stings that im always up for going out with her and she has things that are more important.

Ever been to Las Vegas?: nope, i’d love to tho!

Favorite pair of shoes?: my orange converse highs 😊

Favorite fruit?: mangoes! the ones from my home country are the best 🇵🇭 idk how to spell it bc my autocorrect isnt working for some reason lmao end me i havent been home in about 7 years

Favorite book?: the graveyard book by neil gaiman comes to mind

Stupidest thing you’ve ever done?: i high fived shownu when he was just waving goodbye to us fml

i tag: @joohoneylee @xiaofeilushang @oppalisagonebad @weightlesslikejellyfish @putriyuju @freshieaf @jooheoniie if you dont wanna do this its alright! if u see this and you do wanna do it, go ahead and tag me bc i wanna see your answers!

[gaysidecharacter]

i am READY to commit not alive 😸 i took an exam today and i studied literally HOURS and as soon as i took the test my mind went blank and i knew nothing. might as well have not studied at all. i also like haven’t seen the cute bus driver and i got a ticket because i accidentally parked in the wrong area ar school like bruh i didn’t flipping know what the freak? i assumed i was still in zone 2 but no i was in resident parking like bruh make a big sign saying that like damn i’m really out here like wow im such a good person driving and having my stuff together like lol no ❤️ and i appealed it so im hoping they wave it since i literally didnt know and now i do so i wont do it again... anyway... one of my friends that i was studying with apparently her boyfriend thinks i would be the “perfect match” for his best friend because we both like anime and among us? and i was like um... because she doesn’t know about me and thats a pretty broad thing. he could be rude for all i know. and she was hyping the best friend up like oh they’re tall and nice and then she mentioned money and honestly that sounds really nice... i love money... as a poor person. but i would make it known i’m not looking for that and if they happen to spend money on me for being generous i mean thats okay too. and they’re like a lot older than me... so that was where i was like um... how old and they’re like 22 bruh i just turned 19 like 😭 i’m scared. thats a whole adult dude. i still act 17 🤡. but that makes sense as to why she wanted to know what my type was so badly... and then her boyfriend wanted to see me so he could tell his best friend about me and i was just there like 👁👄👁 because i don’t even like anyone in general so its like 😀 anyway after the exam i just got junk food with money that i don’t really have but i needed to and i just got in bed with my dog and cuddled and wstched anime because i was just so done for the day. i think i only are one real meal today. so. fml. also its so early i hate this time change. its messing with me. i just want to commit not alive. all the time. i made that comment in a school group chat and all the old normies were just like 👁➖👁 only two people understood my reference... if anything the person they want to set me up with could be my fwb since i’m always stressed. the cute bus driver... i haven’t seen them... how sad. i miss their cute face. i hope i get to see them soon. ❤️

[lovinthesoo]

why i have been stressed recently (personal shit very long post ahead)

okay i have been in my new job for 4 months now and ive been feeling okay i guess? i was actually okay with my previous job (i get along with my officemates and i feel accomplished whenever i do something right (they do acknowledge the hard work of people there)) i just resigned there because my new job is so close (i only travel for 5 mins whereas in my previous job i need to wake up at 4 am and travel by 5:30 so i can be at the office before 8 and going home is such a hassle especially if its rush hour :(( ) i only go to work 4 days a week and so much benefits (since i work in the govt its a given) my mom works here too (but in a diff department) and she encouraged me to apply here since well the pros actually win over the cons. anyway getting straight to the point, basically im the newest here. and the youngest. im okay with what i do since my main job is to just encode stuff. recently my officemate (lets name her jennie since she’s a blink) (can yall believe i actually found someone here who likes kpop as well) started hinting that she’s transferring offices (she’s been working here for 2 years now) and so there was the rumor of finding candidates to replace her. i knew that my guy officemate was the number one candidate cause he already knew what to do but then i heard that i was also a candidate. (you know the reason why?? BECAUSE I WAS A GIRL and they actually believe that girls work meticulously and other shit they said and there are no other girls left fit for her job) i actually panicked when i heard that cause first of all im fine with my current job (not to be whiny af but i dont want to learn something new esp when im relatively new in where i work do you get me :( ) second, jennie;s work is kinda stressful (people keep on teasing that we should get ready and shit cause it is stressful) LETS BE REAL NOBODY WANTS A STRESSFUL JOB. and so knowing that i was really a candidate made me anxious af like people noticed that something was wrong with me (ofc i didnt say it was about that) and i was really down that day. and so last week i was taught how her job is done (it was pretty simple cause its just copy paste but sometimes it gets too much because you have to be really attentive to everything written and you have to keep on switching tabs and everything and you have to do it under time pressure). while i was trying to take in everything our oic comes to us and said something. she said that i will be the one who will transfer offices instead of jennie. i was so shocked cause i dunno if it was real or she was joking and i really said to her “WHAT?” and then she said that i am transferring offices. what pissed me off is that the reason she wants me to transfer is that without jennie, people here would be always looking for her. who wouldnt feel irrelevant by that?? it’s like telling me that im not fucking important, people would not be bothered if i wasnt around. i get it that she’s closer to most people here but wow that really hit me in the guts. and then she goes on saying that she’ll talk to our main boss and ask if she can switch me and jennie or like jennie stays there for 3 days and id be there for a day for a week (SHE CLEARLY SAID “ SO THAT WE WOULDNT MISS JENNIE HERE”) and then our main boss suddenly went there and then our oic told him everything. our main boss was looking for someone who actually lives near cause they do overtime most days (jennie and i live near but jennie is nearer like she just walks to get here) (of course i dont want to do overtime another reason why im whining) and then our main boss said that he’s looking for someone mature already (okay i kinda got hit there cause does he actually think im not mature??) (or i think its in terms of the work load since jennie is working here for 2 years already so obviously she is more mature) anyway, that’s that i think i’d still be a candidate but for back up maybe but i hope i really dont get picked for jennie’s place because she handles a very important role and i dont think i can handle that much pressure. also i think one reason that our oic wanted me to transfer is because she thinks im lazy??? like there’s one person here in the office who was ranting in the comfort rooms saying that the newbies (including me) were really lazy like we’re just surfing the net or just have our earphones on (bitch first of all dont compare your work with ours cause its completely different. second, what’s your problem if we finish our work early? we just know how to manage our time) and i think our oic overheard that so she really thinks im lazy :( im so anxious ever since that happened like i cant get it out of my mind. im scared and nervous. i dont handle pressure well and i think im always on the verge of crying. whenever i think about me doing the job, the only things i say to myself is that you can learn it in time and it will be easier for you in the future (but what really bothers me is that i cant make so many mistakes cause our oic tells me that YOU SHOULD LEARN EVERYTHING QUICKLY AND DONT MAKE TOO MANY MISTAKES) see why im so stressed??

this is another topic but this also stressed me so much because there’s this one guy im really close with (to make things clear i only see him as a friend that’s it) we can talk about a lot of stuff. last week we were talking about something and we went to the topic of boyfriends and then he asked me if i have one and then i said no one even wants to date me and then he said they’re just around you just dont notice them (AND I WAS LIKE WTF??? NOT TO BE ASSUMING BUT ARE YOU REFERRING TO YOURSELF??) and i didnt react to that cause it kinda freaked me out???  and then i fucking realized how touchy he was getting with me. before that incident there was a time where he suddenly pinched my cheek?? wtf bro??? and then he suddenly tickled me on my side (im a ticklish person so everywhere is tickling for me) and he also touched the back of my neck ohmygod i told him to stop but he ignored me and just took it as a joke. i mean i am touchy but i think he misunderstood me being touchy??? tickling is way too touchy ohgod i dont even let my other guy friends do that and he just did??? also one thing that irks me off about him is that he tends to say a lot of nsfw stuff during a normal conversation. i usually just laugh it off but deep inside im actually cringing so hard. there never goes a day i didnt hear him say something nsfw its getting tiring.  i may be overthinking and overreacting to this but ugh its really getting to my head i hope im just getting the wrong idea cause fuck i cant really handle confrontations and i just see him as a friend (pls he’s trying to hard to talk to me cause he actually talks to me about kpop when i know he isnt into that) and now im trying to distance myself from him (its so fucking hard when we work in the same office)

okay thats all lol but fml i hope i still live (for exo)

if anyone actually read this you just wasted your time lol but i need encouraging words so thanks in advance

[brothalynchhung]

2019 overview.

this year.. was fucking two years in one. also a little late again but whatever. this is going to be long as FUCK. 

started 2019 in dubai

spent the first couple of days in Dubai on the beach

YOOO AS AM WRITING THAT IT FEELS SO FUCKING LONG AGO HOLLYY SHITT

went to London and just fucked around dt and chinatown lost that damn snake ring fml

I got drunk eating dumplings watching Jeffrey star in that bed LMFAOOOYOO LMFAOOOOOEGJEORIGHSREUG

got back to Ottawa and it was straight GRIND from the get go

back to my last semester of uni 

back to club m (omg.. I miss:( kinda lol)

started that govt job

back to social media marketing for Dubai

3 jobs + school basically

did that dumbass STUPID FUCKING govt job all the way in quebec that I woke up for and travelled for everyday 

would go straight to gym, work again, or school fml

wasn't entirely bad I kinda needed it cuz I applied to a million jobs during that time and did school work LMAO also printed a lot of important shit and got paid so whatever

CAME TO TORONTO IN MARCH W TRAND OMG I FORGOT THAT WAS 2019

SAW VINCE STAPLES!!

AND The fortune teller who like prophisized all this shit goddddd 

iconic if I must say

little did I know...

I miss movati fml lol

working at club Monaco omg ugh they gave me life honestly

fun times w trang cc precious Courtney mich JACK Amanda Raman donia even tho she annoying lol and whoever else I worked w jana jil Daria honestly I just miss Courtney LMFAO uhh jenn was cool too 

I'm never going to forget that place I swear to god I have so much loyalty and pride for my memories for that place im never going to take my experience there for

chilling with avid Vinny and like Alex a bit LMAO he would randomly ask to chill it was weird

that Chinese dinner and chat time thing in his car WHAT WAS THATTT

chilling like a scrub a cu with hector and that crew goddLMAO

avin vin rideau gang

visiting avid at nordstorm the Rui girl and Herman lol he was sofunny

MY BODY IS FOR ME NOT THESE BITCHES LMFAOO 

last class with strangle omg he was iconic honestly 

trang pargol fidede zainab mannnn honestly shoutout old Ottawa friends 

xinyii!! and jelly!! my last times with them

I miss Xinyi so much :( im so happy I got to see her before leaving she was so nice I wish her so much success 

remember working those last shifts at cm like.. yo I feel like things are going to change and my days are numbered.. I feel it. 

did interview after interview, applying EVERYDAY to escape 

the amount of focusing I did on applying around feb and April like I was just focused on working and getting out of there

did two interviews in like 2 hours always on the go always moving always working 

and then like clockwork.. at the govt job.. went to the bathroom knew? to bring my phone with me.. and then right when I left I got a call from mk went into that empty conference room and got the offer. cried. accepted. life changing

I honestly just left that place... went to cm and just.. resigned... put my two weeks in...

and it happened literally in my last week of the govt job..

like fate 

immediately went home told cc precious fam 

fam weren't happy 

BUT I FINALLY ESCAPED!!!! LOOKING BACK ON THIS BLOG AND EVERYTHING I FINALLY F I N A L L Y GOT OUT OF THERE THE BITCH ASS CURSED SHIT CITY NEVER GOING BACKEGIUEHGEIRUGH 

shout out precious for helping me honestly he helped so much 

found my place through hmida who held it down

that whole condo scenario LOL godddd my landlord a HOE

met zgy gvy at precious while I crashed a night

THE MILLIONS OF RIDESHARESSS GOODDDDDD

remember the one I took last minute from Yorkdale LMAO that one wasn't bad honestly I slept good

moving my things packaging them up. like yo.. lol

bringing the boxes from shoppers godddd LOL 

finally landed in Toronto with my place

waiting outside for 5 hours for my damn keys crazy with my suitcase lol... 

THEN FINALLY GOT TO MY FIRST PLACE!! MY FIRST RENTAL CONDO ALL ON MY OWN NO ROOMATES JUST ME

unpacking my things

like just finally having my own place mannn that was my dream for such a long ass time

getting around dt a bit getting used to tdot... 

crazy exciting 

then... 3 days in..

...

met that bitch that fucked me up 

met everything I ever wanted in a person? physically and interest wise and yet?

nothing? 

SO CONFUSED I MET SOMEONE WITH EVERYTHING I THOUGHT I WANTED

first hookup? lost v? 

new city new job new life new home lost v new everything

in 3 days. 

my life crazy..

spent the whole time like until October till low-key NOW just thinking about it bitterly 

my feelings up and down I was drowning in obsession and confusion

I know I fucked it up but it was fucked up since the beginning

shook everything about what I thought I wanted in gl or a person

standards are definitely raised and all men trash and hoes Idgaf

I feel nothing towards nobody

my whole mind switched to money and power. 

gl I love you but you're not here and we got a lot growing to do so imma see ya ass in a couple of years 

anyways started working at mk!!! craziest 3 month probation thing I had 

HOWWW DID I DOOOO ITTTTTTT 

met so much people... holy shit.. zgy,gvy,hailey,gab,aisha,priya,rach,lisa,alex,DANIA, goddddd

clubbing.. mon., thurs... weekenddd... wake up... 8:30 work

how did I do it.... fuck lol

met a lot of hoes.. fucked with Sunday once more before he died bye bitch ass hoe.. Leo, sleeve, uhhh that's it I think actually

CABANNNAAAA

OMG I SAW SEAN PAUL LIVE ICONICC YOO THIS FUCKING YEAR LMFAOOOOO

omg YEAH I SAW NCT IN MY FIRST WEEK OF TO WITH PARGOL LMFAOOO YOOOOO

damn this year was crazy I keep forgetting shit

all the weird ass ppl I met at cabana omg the humber guy YOO THE ASIAN GUY WITH MY KEYS LMFAOOO ZGY FUCKLMFGIESH

omg tsf lmao and like yeah all the clubbing ppl in to fuck 

half and half like didnnt know if I liked it or not but it was crazy

still think about that Frans night the damn milkshake and food omggg

just spent summer exploring to trinity Bellwoods ossington like summer stories clubbing stories

managing my double life lol

SPIDERMAN OBSESSION LMAOOOO TO DISTRACT MY MIND FROM THAT BITCH ASS HOE LMFAOOFREJGIEURHSTESUIH THEN I FOUND OUT HE HAS A WHOLE WIFE AND BABY YOOO LMFAOOO

good distraction made work fun when I needed it during my last months of probation LMAO

omg going home during lunch and then back to work ICONIC

leaving the girls at my place and coming back for lunch LMAOOO god really iconic honestly showering and going back to work sleeping hoeing all that LMFAO 

omg the time I left Leo at my place YOO LMAO

still have that expensive ass sweater LMFAO WAT A SIMP

those drunk texts he sent Me in august and I punked him off LMFAOO 😩😂

men trash 

darren Chris rob goddd all those damn ppl I met the one guy who saved me during that blacTHE BLACKOUT CABANNA NIGHT GOD THAT WAS A MESS LMAO TITTIES OUT EVERYTHING but yeah he was low key useless I forget his name highboy but whatever

YOOO THAT GIRLS TITTIES I SLEPT ON NGEIRGHEUHUE ICONIC

I got catfishes twice 😩 the change bitch and the John bitch airehguerihserh FUCKKK LMFAO

AND THEN THE CHANG BITCH WAS TRYNA SAY OH U JSUT LOOK TO ARAB THATS WHY WE HAVNET TALKED AGAINL IKE BITCHHHHH FIRST OF ALL UR A WHOLE CATFISHFHERGUERBKSHETERU AHERUIGESRUYR LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO 

and then I catfish Sunday to punk him off for revenge and call him a thot and thought he was talking about me for catfish when it was just about another bitch he was hoeing with cuz he a hoe.. Jesus my life wild

SO MUCH SHIT THIS SUMMER UHERGHSREG

gained weight fml I don't even wanna mention it iDONT WANNA TALK

even if it is muscle I dDONT WANNT TALK ABOUT IT

the cabana pool jump... godd... walking home drunkregiuhersguhe fucK 

summer was crazy

nada and mama coming wow that was annoying I rlly can't do family even though I love them

getting high swimming the catfish racing munchies arguing with Alex LMAO 

eating out with Dania gab Lisa the normal ppl I met lool

a lot of stress of money and where I want to go I was in a hella rush idk why I think everything happening so fast made me not want to slow down at all but im finally slowing down 

priya end of the year rebel tiff stuff 

basically drowning in depress and regret around the end of summer cuz everything calmed down and I had the time to think and reflect about everything and yeah.. got super depressed

that bitch cc and her bullshit yo just fucking go bye

notice how there's like no memories with her like yeah there was but they were just annoying cuz she was annoying highkey

thanks for bringing my shit from Ottawa tho dumbass LOL eat a dick

THE HOT TUBBBB SUMMERSSS AND SUMMER NIGHTS 

omg all my emo ass walks at night to the port and water and trillium park in the morning aiohreughresehre writing with my journal god that was actually nice tho 

super peaceful so happy to live near the water highkey

always in between losing myself who am I what do I do now who am I like did I lost myself did I ever have myself

major existential crisis

how did I survive work god 

musicmusiscmusicccc

moviesmovesmoves

readreadread

actually I had a lot of night walking home from the club sad

omg remember the ovo guy fucking loser liar 

as usualllll 

RECORDRESCORSDCRECORDDSSS SO MANY TDOT IS PERFECTT

ugh what else fuck too much shit happened OH YEAH

my birthday with the girls and the bbq!! the cake!! omg so nice :((( so funny lol

that weirdo ass man that I still see in the gym sometimes god help me lol 

passing my probation!!!! and then like finally fitting in and feeling apart of mk and the “family” lol

CLARK KENT AND SCOTTISH MANS MAKING MY LIFE EVRYDAYYYYYugh love them

got a moomin from Scottish mans 🥺 love him

anyways got depressed drowning in obsession.. nothing surprising there 🙄 

got high and drunk like bottom of the barrel... 

right before pargol came LMAO 

oh yeah I went to Ottawa because yo I was going out of my mind about losing myself.. needed to go BACK to the place I hated to find myself

went back and it was like??? everything was the same.. still saw vin and avid and Herman at Rideau still had bbt with them 

still fucking around hector and that whole crew had Ivan his girl moe.. ribal..Kyle YO lol that weird ass club experience AS USUAL Ottawa clubs trash god

apple picking same year in a row wit z <3 and hamza and fams lol

saw the kids and got to be stupid again loool 

anyways came back to my actual life

like it just felt weird knowing that the place I had all my memories and experiences in like.. felt nothing

even the forest felt weird like I didn't need to be there anymore?

as much as tried to drown myself in obsession and my past and bad habits.. I couldn't?

im being forced to move forward and learned Sunday was the last experience it was just eye opening

after the emotional shit I sat down again and had a whole purging 

I never felt that bad and horrible and drowned in obsession since raglan..

like.. deleted the hidden pictures... the feeling.. like I've done this before...

that was the final straw..

you think its over just because I am dead but its not over..the games just begun.

never again. 

anyways I met Aisha!!! love her vibe with her heavy

introduceed me to the sugar shit YOOOO LMFAOOO

THEN WE STARTING PIMPIN AND MAKING EXTRA MONEY

NO MORE MONEY STRUGGLE 

GOT FUCKED OVER HEART TURNED COLD NOW WE FOCUSING ON MONEY CAREER POWER PLAYING THESE HOES FOR THEY MONEY AND RECLAIMING MYSELF 

weird ass fucking people but get the money and go 

stack up crazy and saving up this past few months 

and just chilling w friends and therapy sessions

scheming and planning for the future

therapy sessions

got close with Lisa

oh yeah BOLO!! UGH BEST GYM

ALSO OMG I FORGOT I SAW BROCKHAMPTON AGAIN!!! AND SOMEHOW GOT TO THE BARRIER AND LITERALLY HAD SO MUCH INTERACTION WITH KEVIN LIKE SINGING TOGETHER AND THEN HE CAME DOWN SAID I GOTCHU AND TOOK TWO PICS WITH ME FUCKGIERGEIUTHSEUH THAT WAS INSANEEE MY LIFE WILDDDD 

iconic holiday party and New Years with again like random weird ppl and my girls exemplifying how wild and fresh the whole experience of this year was 

at least I be waking up warm and clean in MY PLACEby myself with no bullshit 

just like.. got a new place new job new city basically live the life I always wanted? reading movies? new friends no problems? wtf how my life change so quick

new interesting experiences

getting drunk high dancing at my place out in these streets just meeting bare people all these new people and experiences holy shit... 

and like yeah im not where I want to be but this progress and process is FUN now 

everything a strategy and a move and love staying busy 

wish I had more free time tho I never feel rested my life fucking crazy LOOL

that weirdo bitch who thought he was dating me UGHHH BOTTOM OF THE BARRELL JUST FOR A CAR AND FOOD BITCHARE U CRAZY 

power trip crazy im so sorry jfc 

anyways block and move on

met Chris and we still talking for like 3 months in a row god... lol gunna see him Saturday idk was the HALE going on 

im like surrounded by hoes???? and I don't want it GOD I JUST BEEN FOCUSING ON ME AND MONEYFUCK EVERYONE ELSE 

idek what else maybe im missing shit but this whole year wild best year of MY LIFE though

idk what the fuck gunna happen in 2020 cuz my split lives and the chaos and playing hoes and always thinking about opportunity and abundance and money got my mind and moves all wrapped in strategy but we only ONNLY ONLYYY GOING UP from here no excuses lets fucking go I always say this but 2019 was fucking wild and you know what.. lets fucking go 2020 LETS FUCKING GO as long as I don't gain weight LMFAO lets fucking GO. money and power on my mind exclusively. gl imma see you in 2 years. focusing on bigger things but at least im OUT HERE and ESCAPED and we onLY ATTRACTING AND MANIFESTING ABUNDANCE 

[cloudauditorefair]

FML. IM HAVING A WITHDRAWAL. PLS UPDATE OR POST SOMETHING OMG. :

Uhm, fuck, uh *rummages through notebooks* I haven’t, I haven’t written a damn thing in weeks aside from the past two days. Fuck. *clicks through folders* Yeah I have oneshots on my list but not actually worked on. Yet. Er, *starts compiling drabbles into a single doc* So, listen, I can’t wait until I’m paid to write because weirdly, I’d probably have more time for fanfics. I lose a lot of time to stress alone.

Here is a thing, shoved into one doc just for you. I’m going to, like, run off now. And try to round up some time for writing. At least you have a guaranteed update for Satellite coming, though I don’t know if you care about it. And the special project thanks to Paige is coming soon. Have you checked out the “runner!bella au” tag for some good times? It’s just asks but still.

But yeah, isn’t it weird that we all got shit going on at the same time? We’re in this weird circle of craving each other’s stuff and dying and trying to find the time or will to write.

[scenessystem]

I wish i could want things.

Like to have a dream job

to have a future i plan for

Have a fucking drive to exsist

I want to not be in a void of hopelessness, and dred, and sadness

I mean i thought I'd be dead by now....so that doesnt fucking help

And i always just let people tell me what career id have, what dreams i should have, what future i should want.

The only things that arent dictated by outsiders are; being gay, story telling and being a communist

My mum read to us (i think?) But i chose it on my own more. Im a writer and i write dumb shit on my ownAnd i heavy embraced netflix and fandom against parents objection. And my political ideas are my own because i have lots of free listening time and the stitcher app.

(Of fucking course now my mom "binge watches" and my dad likes doctor who which is just so fucking annoying because nothing can be ours only. And when i was judged and teased for doing the thingd which they now do is aggravating. Like now that your bored and stressed Netflix is #valid but not when i did it fml.)

But when all ive wanted is escape my whole life im just a shell person. I have nothing i want and almost nothing i love. I just wish i wasn't always consumed by crushing knowledge nothing works. Because the few times i got anything i lost it, so i don't know how to dream for myself, i don't know how to want and belive i can have a life.

And when escapism and trauma runs through all of us in my head, we are just focused on existing with least pain.

Im so so tired and done i dont know what else to do. Why can't i belive, have faith, dream, wish, be something. And i dont even care most of the time but its so stark when people talk about the future, or want to do things. That i dont have anything left or maybe i never really had it