#im spiraling into shit i havent had to deal with in like years can i LEAVE. I THOUGHT WE WERE OVER THIS

[mwagneto]

unfortunately for everyone involved im hitting the exact right combination of summer melancholy + extreme mental illness spiral + late july/august + insomnia that makes me rewatch shadowhunters. sorry in advance

[smallestclowninthecircus]

Season 3 notes popping off

due to my desire to not completely fail all my classes this year i made myself slow down significantly while listening to this season, and the fact that the other person i'm listening along with had to catch up. We've managed to convert several other people to start listening and its pretty great.

ep 81: what does it even mean to be chosen by one of them? And if he was chosen by the eye. we know Gertrude wasnt? Because she cut the eyes out of the magazines?

ep 82: elias lmao. I understand why people like him so much bahshdhdk i thought he was gonna snitch on Jon but he didnt so he's fine. Ok but how do we think he knew all that stuff. Idk probably just institute connections. I love the fact that the recorder just wants to record stuff randomly bjahsjdhd. Elias feels a lot like Michael in the sense that he knows more than he should and talks in a way that implies he just wants to wait and see how things play out for his own benefit. I understand him knowing the things that happened but his description of her emotions implies something paranormal. Maybe he's connected to one of the entities. Which one I cannot guess.

ep 83: did a file get delivered randomly to the place he's staying at? Probably elias lmao. He thinks the mannequin is related to the stranger. Idk I would believe it.

ep 84: worms? I know he says earth worms but idk. Again? Is she making gordon golems out of trash? Martin popping off. You can tell the statements get to him more that they get to Jon. How come martin is so mad about it? I want to assume he just doesnt want her to get stuck there but idk. Jude Perry. The calliope organ. Jon heard a circus in one of the last episodes

ep 89: he's talking to perry? Like jude Perry? He says ... God? Is that what it is? Lmao. The Desolation. Jon is tired of ppl being vague and not telling him stuff lmao. Oh God Jon is so confused. Compel her? Is she assuming he has some kind of power? Does he have powers? Hmm. im agreeing with jon here please jesus christ why does everyone have to be so cryptic. Just say what you mean. "maybe you get an itchy eye" bahasjkdfklsjdf girl what. Agnes saved her? Oh this is the girl from the cafe story? So theres the Cult of the Lightless Flame? They worship whatever entity this is? The Desolation? Why do they all seem like they sorta worship her then? Is Gretchen gonna die oh god. fuckin michael. a different michael aaah. i see. dont do it shes gonna burn you. sir. please. sir dont you dare do- WHAT DID I SAY what did you think was gonna happen hhh.

ep 90: try to make it less obvious you're trying to get fired big T. Elias that doesnt sound like the most healthy thing to do. oh dear is this gonna be triggering for me. uuuuuh. uuuuuuuuuh. doesnt seem like it ok gonna keep listening. Jared. hmmmmm. Ok we've seen Keay and hotner or whatever his name was.

ep 91: Michael Crew. Oh is this the lightning scar guy. Mister jon sir did you just die. No? God everyone is so fuckin cryptic. Say normal things please. They all just like to go on about pain and agony and j e s u s c h r i s t we get it you got hurted by whatever thing. So theyre avatars? question mark? Jude Perry is an avatar of The Desolation? hhhh fractals. thats a spiral thing innit. Yup. messing with your perceptions. God they all talk about feeding their god and feeding that which feeds them and. hh what does that meann. Leave big J. please. uh oh. is it daisy? how come he has the web lighter still? the tape recorder just turns on sometimes you know how it is. So he can compel people? not that he knows it obviously but. a bit wack. powers go brr i guess? If the eye just wants knowledge i guess he feeds it by getting the statements? b/c i doubt it wants him to murder ppl or whatever.

ep 92: elias you all knowing fuck what do you know. (i guess all given what i just said) Lukas. Heard of them before. Mordecai Lukas. Loneliness. The lonely even. Jonah Magnus. Elias ur sounding like a bit of a dickhead rn. lmao jon's just like "i dont care" elias what is ur deal. Why does he want to tie her in. ohh i see. lmao theyre all just like "elias why" The Unknowing lol seems very much like something the eye wouldnt like. lol elias is gettin all philosophical. what does it really mean to be human. this still doesnt answer why gertrude wanted to destroy the archives tho.

ep 93: bahsjdfh he seems so dead inside rip. awww admiral. i love him already. ghh breacon and hope. purple mold. doesnt sound like anything we've seen so far. I think the funniest explanation for breacon and hope is that they dont actually serve the stranger they just kinda happen to be a random neutral party that cart around random spooky entity related stuff. ooooh. when we hear the slight static of the tape recorder it's cuz he's compelling ppl.

ep 94: the end! listen man they were all just grayed up for 4/13.

ep 95: the end also? death but also savagery/ animalistic shit. aww martin. lmao becerra. she's just been chillin in the corner.

ep 96: return to sender. haha minecraft go brr. prediction: breacon and hope? yup there we go. jon why is there an echo. are you in a stairwell? is he gonna eat it- yup. how did i call it. unsure abt what theyre talking about but ok. they kidnapped someone? Sarah Baldwin. ooooh that guy.

ok im just putting this here so i have notes for when nicholas gets to this part. It seems like (from jon's conversation with jude perry) that the desolation and the eye are kinda at odds with eachother? like i guess not directly but it seems like they dont really vibe? so how could be with both. Cuz if he has the heat powers and shit then we know he's an avatar of the desolation. but then why does he have so much eye imagery. also he got burned intentionally? like jude did when she went on her monologue about the feeling of burning? but then why did he wear the eye pendant. it stops him from being burned all the way which seems like he's not fully accepting the fire or whatever.

Nooooo I lost like a bunch of my notes rip. I keep forgetting to save.

Ep 104: tim gives a coherent statement without jon even being there. Ugh. Fucking robert smirk. Dont like him. Joey. Dont recognize the name. The show must go on. Clown. The spooky circus?

ep 105: total war... shogun 2? jon is just understanding languages again. "if i understood mandarin or cantonese" are you sure you dont big man?

ep 106: havent we heard this one already? mans in space? oh no this is just another episode in space. fairchild... uuuh. cant remember. oh! this is related to that! this is one of the ppl from the other side. sounds like a Vast thing. oh he's the one that the dude saw? but that guy didnt have a face... she's sorta like jon. wanting to dismiss the statements. lmao i love the workplace gossip. ace jon for the win! oh cmon elias dont be a dick. sunny meadows or whatever. thats the place we heard about.

ep 107: oh great is it jude perry again. Third Degree. bahahsdkfj she was arrested. sorry but imagining this old british lady getting arrested is funny. she was trying to resurrect him. using the skin book. he's not feeling well. jon take a nap. i wonder if this is what happens when he uses his powers too much. He gets into The Zone when he reads statements lol. didn't we have a burning train car in anothre statement? is it julia fairchild? bahahahs "kidnapped. Again." poor jon honestly. julia... about her dad. daughter of the murder shed guy? hunting like your dad liked to hunt or normal people hunting. oh hunting vampires!

ep 108: melanie has been suffering. poor martin peter lukas why do you have to be like this. can he not just use the front door? does he have to bother the ppl doing statements?

ep 109: how come he cut her off? kinda rude tbh. its either jon's influence or there was smth he didnt want her saying. is it gerard on the table? this sounds kinda like smth from one of the university episodes. is it the closed eye on the hand? yup. he's like one of the students! if the thing listening in is elias then... he can do that without the tape recorder yknow. plus who's to say it wont just turn itself on again

110: who wants to bet its a leitner?

111: Lukas related to The Lonely. I used to not like Gerard that much but i like him more now. but i thought there were 15? ohhh thats right isnt flesh newer? gerry for the win honestly. finally telling jon things.

112: lol "again" no one ever tells any of these ppl anything. tim and basira are just out of the loop constantly. music, like the war episodes. The hunt or the slaughter? probably the hunt. so Daisy is related to the hunt right? basira likes the reading, she's doing fine at the institute. daisy's getting worried...

113: it just turned on randomly. what is it lol. explossives! oh boy. why do they always assume he turned it on intentionally. melanie youre not making me like you that much. which entity is this about i cant tell. lol he was disappointed it was just the end. The title Breathing Room made me think it was gonna be about the buried but i guess not. So many of these entities deal with death but the end is one that deals in just death. it has no need for fancy deaths, just death is enough

114: more hilltop road statements? the tree. oh boy. ok the tree has 8 arms obviously theres the spider parallels. was she taken into an alternate universe? oh no. jon tries to phrase things so he's not asking questions. thats honestly good. "sometimes i was kidnapped" oh dear. they got gertrude. daisy ur so odd lmao. who wants to bet they dont know the tape recorder's running?

115: silaca? or whatever? antique man? meat grinder... related to the meat is meat episode? oh wow. they buy antiques from him. maybe dont antagonize this creature which can kill you?

116: lol theyre all just so done with elias. music? is it like the one band that if you hear them you die or wtvr. oh its chess? i am very much confused. mmm stranger go brr. gorilla skin? oh shit the dance. woah. this is so good. this is so gender. the words are wonderful. "you can just say tim" lmao trying to fool elias never feels like a good idea.

117: except elias lmaoo. oh shit. leitner getting some use for once idk. bruuh poor melanie she has been thru so much shit. martin you can just say youre worried about jon. lol he's so accurate in his jon impression. lol who was that. was that daisy? lmaoo. oop hi tim. oh god i hope tim doesnt die. i feel like i wouldve heard about that? but im not sure. destroying the source of knowledge is gonna be hard for jon. yay jon! you did a good thing. let him rest.

118: go off martin lmao. awww poor martin. oh god the tape gets that squealy quality and its awful.

119: woah. lots of things happening. uhh. POP OFF TIM!!

120: lmao elias giving a statement about jon's dreams lol. damn jon doesnt even get his own dreams? has to stay Watching even when he's asleep? f in the chat this man goes thru so much shit. oh boy its peter. lol martin my beloved. idk i dont trust peter.

[madeintimeland]

im oversharing this got long sorry. just reminscing on shit ive thought about a million times over again

theres so much art i want to create and so little motivation. i should start smoking weed again bc every time im high i get my best ideas or at least like, it takes away the layer of film over my brain that stops me from being able to come up with creative ideas, but also im scared its going to send me into mental hell again. like i need to be in a perfect state for it lest i fear im going to invoke my months long existential crisis again and i Cannot be doing that shit rn. but also i wonder if its going to be worth it anyways if i can create something to leave on this earth again. like ive been so bad at creativity lately like i want to draw and produce things and im bubbling over with energy and i feel the ideas fermenting in the deep recesses of my brain like theyre nestled into the grooves and folds but i cant access them yet. and i know i can if im stoned. i might turn into a hermit hunched over my tablet all hours of the day just making shit tbh. i absorb so much of the things around me and i know if i try to make something now its going to basically be direct copies of the things i saw but if im high im sure i can actually create something new and beautiful. im scared of being intoxicated again but i was scared to drink again too and i got drunk and proceeded to love it and want to drink every single day because surprise surprise i have alcoholism coded into my dna and consequentially have an addictive personality in general. which is why i felt like my life was useless without weed. all up until i was finally able to get my hands on a stash that would let me smoke whenever i want versus when i would get a small amount every couple of months and completely and utterly fail at ratioing it out and binge it all and then have ridiculously introspective trips where id start to go a little crazy at the end (i have a distinct memory of looking at a meme that had a woman on it and thinking ‘jesus christ... what the fuck is that’ and then spiraled into thinking about how life is pointless but i didnt have enough weed to continue with that train of thought and if i did i may have had my crisis a lot earlier, it was just inevitable) i just felt like being high was the only time i could actually get in touch with my inner self again. like i used to before the thick clouds of depression and psychosis settled in. but then i finally was able to get high for longer than short bursts of time and it all came to a head where my brain broke and i have existential terror now that i feel im going to not be able to deal with confronting again. but every time i say that it never ends up staying permanently, it comes in waves, it all comes in waves. back and forth. i feel beauty in life and then i feel fear. i feel like its all worth it and then i cant stop thinking about the inevitable heat death of the universe and the pointlessness of it all. and then i get a hug or listen to a really good song and i feel like its worth it again. i wonder if this is just a period in my life im not a total stoner or if its actually permanent. anyways point is i want to make so much stuff that my hands ache and my brain rots when i think about how many things inspire me. thats why my aesthetic tag is #inspiration, its been like that for many years now, its stuff that inspires me. but at what point am i going to turn that inspiration into reality? im bad at initiative. my initiative is going to be when i pick up the pot again because im too lethargic and procrastinatey to create the things i want any other time. but when will that be? i cant see a therapist or anything rn and working it out on my own has been mildly successful, not bad, im not spending every single day in terror like i was at this point last year. it started all going away around august after starting in march. march 30th in fact. from then on its been a constant battle with dissociation. funny because just earlier in march was some of the best experiences of my life. i think if lockdown never happened this never would have happened either but at the same time im left wondering how anybody can go through their life without wondering about the meaning of it all and coming out the other side with purpose and resolve. mine was to enjoy myself and find as much beauty and love in life as i can before i die and enhance the lives of the people around me while i can because i feel too small to do anything on a grander scale. and im fine with that, for the most part, but i still get attacked by these waves of thought where i wonder what the purpose of reality is . i always have to smack myself and remind myself no dumbass you already went over this a million times, just enjoy yousrelf while youre here. but when im high its a million times worse cuz the only time i can get my mind off it is when im replacing it with horny thoughts and thats not the only thing i wanna do when im high ofc i want to experience and create and listen to music. but i mean i havent smoked since june. i think the 15th ? i could go back and read my journals to tell exactly when it was but yeah its been almost a year now and i feel like i might have it in me again. i used to love getting high and working on shit so much. some of my best works and most  creative projects and honestly just most enjoyable periods of my life were when i was high. going back to what i was saying about early march 2020 being the best time of my life, idk what it was about me but i was just having a grand old time experiencing absolute beauty playing ark with my friends, feeling so creative and developing new ideas and experiences, and using the freedom and motivation i felt ingame to also want to explore the world irl. i seriously was close to actually finally reading my survival manual and start camping and shit and i wanted to visit my relatives in their hella secluded farmhouse in the middle of fuck nowhere kansas, cuz i did visit there during that time period and i loved it to death, i felt so free. two different relatives actually and they both had that same aesthetic about them. of course they were horribly racist but i mean, thats rural kansas for you. i just wanted to camp in their woods. its funny because that month was simultaneously the best and worst of my life. all because of weed! if i never started smoking or rather never found a reliable source at that point in my life i wonder how i wouldve turned out? id like to chalk this up to fate that im like this, maybe its for the best, maybe smoking again wont help me but maybe it will. i have a way to ease myself back into it i just need that leap of faith and  bravery like i felt when i was drinking again. its funny because i used to be such a fucking druggie and i wanted to get high all the time and then after my existential crisis that all just. stopped. i feell ike everyone i know is sick of me talking about it but it really fundamentally changed me on the inside even if it doesnt seem like it much on the outside so i feel its right of me to talk about it sometimes. it makes me feel better at least. like this is jsut a thing t hat happened, not a fated break from the universe i cant come back from yknow? i dunno. ive rambled on way too fucking long and idk if anyones gonna read this. tldr i want to draw and create so many things and i have too many ideas to deal with but i only feel ill be able to unlock my creativity and motivation if im high but due to bad past experiences im terrified to get high again. i mean ive done and made some pretty cool stuff since then but the motivation and ideas are much fewer and far between compared to the absolute deluge i get when im stoned , whether any of my ideas are actually any good or if they were just high ramblings is up to debate but i think it gave me a really good way of looking at things and i made some pretty cool stuff and i miss it a lot but i dont know if going back to it is going to be a mistake or not and im not brave enough to find out if itll hurt me again or if im ready. yyyyaaaayyyyy hahahaha ✌

[itsallavengers]

sad boy hours

sometimes im just so angry at the world and at destiny or whatever the fuck for saddling me with the depression and the fucking plethora of mental health issues like its so selfish but why me. why did i have to be the unlucky number in the statistic. i couldve fucking done anything i wanted i had the natural talent im smart im capable but. God was just like Nah and smited the fuck out of me and now im here and i just want to be fucking dead instead. its so fucking unfair. i want to be better but no matter what i do i just cant and so im stuck in this spiral of absolute raw self loathing and despair like. i just want to be done already im too fucking tired im turning 18 this year but the prospect of having to live out the rest of my life just fills me with a feeling of exhaustion bc i know im going to be dealing with this until the day I die and im going to make worse and worse choices to try and cope with that. Like i havent spent a whole day sober in like 3 weeks now bc the only way i can feel fucking normal is if im drunk. I dont do any of my college work even though i fucking want to do my college work but i just cant fucking find the focus (unless, again, im drunk) to get through it. I’m purposefully sabotaging my own fucking life bc i cant handle the thought of trying my hardest and still feeling this way so i might as well just feel like this bc of my own actions you know. like fuck. 

anyway im a fucking mess and im incredibly sad rn and shit SUCKS welcome to 2020

[rigginsstreet]

Dude I wanna hear more about fps trauma resulting from his relationship with senior if you're willing to share

i mean the biggest thing is how despite how much fp did not want to turn into his father… he did. and yeah, hes not AS bad… hes not out here beating on jughead (despite what this fandom likes to say like yall are… dumb. the stupidity of it all) so like kudos to him i guess but he did turn into a mean drunk. drove his wife away. drove his best friend away. his daughter wants nothing to do with him which honestly we still need to unpack jellybeans reaction to him when he showed up in toledo like WHAT did she see before gladys took her and left. she probably also has resentment for the 500 times he said he was gonna go visit and never did. like WHERE is the episode dedicated to jb’s relationship with fp THATS the content i want to see but like… as a girl who has zero relationship with her own father because of what a shitty person he is i absolutely do not trust the riverdale writers to handle that in a satisfactory manner like i WILL pop the fuck off if they tried some bullshit but thats not what this message is about so MOVING ON

fp also just like… has a hard time accepting any good coming into his life. and he sure as hell cant keep it up once its there and i HAVE to assume thats a direct result of his upbringing. i can only imagine all the shit senior mustve said to him to constantly put him down, make him feel less than, never feeling good enough. 

and i havent settled on an official motive for why fp got into football (i suspect it was a way to get out of riverdale, above all else. like he was probably hoping to get a scholarship out of it cuz he knew he wasnt getting into college with grades or money) but i often think about how maybe there was even just a tiny part of him that was hoping to get his fathers approval out of it and it just never came. and that really fucked him up

and if we wanna follow that train of thought… that could explain why fp as an adult seems so attached to the serpents (although the s2 explanation of him joining after being kicked out still makes the most goddamn sense for the narrative they continuously try to push but i digress). like that was one thing he ever really had control of, and if we wanna listen to how toni talked about him in season 2… it sounds like he was actually good at it and was keeping some sort of peace

FURTHERMORE we see how fp deals with things spiraling out of his control. he gets dramatic. he yells. he drinks. he just … turns into an utter mess. he’s never developed healthy coping mechanisms and the only time in his life we can assume he had his shit together were those years in the beginning working with fred, being with gladys, starting their family. hes reliant on having other people around to hold him accountable like he cannot make it on his own. its just… its not in his dna

but on the flipside of that… he also is really good at pushing people away. thats like his go-to move and i think that stems from him not feeling worthy of having people care about him. its also probably a case of “everybody leaves anyway so i might as well just speed up the process”

like on paper fp is SUCH an interesting character but dear fucking christ on a cracker is he on the wrong show. i spend more time than i care to admit trying to unpack all this shit and thinking about how fp probably still has ptsd from living with senior but we’ll never see it because its just… not important to the overall narrative. and like… i get it. its not his show. its not about him. but its really frustrating how we get all these little nuggets of information and just in general character choices sprinkled throughout and im sitting here like “oh! whats this!” and nothing ever gets elaborated on which is why i own fp now thats my character and everyone else has no say ESPECIALLY ras & co. 

[boojersey]

VIC DO ALL THE ASKS BC I LOVE U AND WANT U TO HAVE FUN

*SWEATS* AYE AYE CAPN

cw for like some common lgbt+ topics such as dysphoria violence discrimination etc just. tread carefully if u get triggered easily by bad lgbt experiences

What do you identify as and what are your pronouns? -im a gay trans man and my pronouns are he/him but they/them is also acceptable!

How did you discover your sexuality, tell your story?-oh wow i originally thought i was a lesbian because i didnt even know what transgender was i just thought wishing i was a man meant i was butch and then i met my friend donnie in eighth grade who told me he was trans and it was kinda a huge slap in the face but with a sack of gay bricks? and i found out i dont like women through actually having sex with cis women and finally realizing it. really wasnt for me so now im just a gay man as opposed to queer as an umbrella term but i periodically refer to myself as such

Have you experienced being misgendered? What happened and how did you overcome it?-oh yea i literally was misgendered today i just kinda brush it off but it can be hard sometimes especially when people know im trans and do it

Who was the first person you told, how did they react?-i first told donnie about my gender, it was a thing where i went to bed the night i met him and was like  .. wait holy fuck and then the next day i was like BRO HOLY FUCK but sexuality? i dont really know???? it was so long ago it was honestly probably my group of friends on kik that i had in 2013 (u were included in that mister!!!!)

Describe what it was like coming out, what did you feel?-im not actually fully out but the first time someone who was an adult knew about my trans-ness was what really set in for me the fact that i could come out one day; my friends mom referred to me as seance (and like. obviously she respected my gender she has a trans kid) but it was just super jarring bc no adult had known yet abt my identity in any way and as a result i was rlly glad it was nighttime in that car bc i cried almost immediately; the first time i came out on my Own was to my cousin and he laughed in my face so that was pretty damn awful and its kinda funny cuz the bastard is bi so u would think hed have been accepting but n0pe!

If you’re out, how did your parents/guardians/friends react?-im out to my friends now ! and the reception was generally positive bc i think i do an ok job at picking ppl to be around in terms of morals so there was little bad reception

What is one question you hate people asking about your sexuality?-i hate when ppl ask if im gay as in for men or gay as in for women because im trans, i am a man so when i say im gay i feel like that should be easy enough to put 2 and 2 together but when they ask that i feel as if they still view me as a woman

Describe the style of clothing that you most often wear.-emo of the gods themselves it is absolute scene and emo vomit and i love it; its seriously hard for me to wear dresses and skirts without dysphoria and just general discomfort but i own a couple anyway bc theyre cute i just. never wear them

Who are your favourite lgbt+ ships?-my main thing at the moment is gerard/frank/grant morrison bc i love poly fics very dearly and gerard/bert because bert mccracken deserved better than gerawrds internalized homophobia lol

What does makeup mean to you? Do you wear any?-makeup to me is an androgynous thing so i wear eyeshadow a lot and lipstick sometimes, eyeshadow is easier on my eyes than eyeliner bc im allergic to a lot of makeup thats on the heavier side so if i put on eyeliner my eyes will water and burn throughout the day but with eyeshadow im mostly ok; other opinion is that makeup on Anyone can be sexy as hell if they do it for fun and wear literally what they truly want and not just what they think is accepted or what they Should wear

Do you experience dysphoria? If so, how does that affect you?-oh yeah my dysphoria is pretty debilitating if im gonna be honest; i used to have very little problems with it because my hold on reality was loose at best (before i was medicated to clarify) but now that i am almost completely Here my dysphoria is pretty bad and even just like. the knowledge that i have breasts is pretty awful; a few weeks ago i put on an outfit that i have to wear a victorias secret bra to fit properly in and just one look in the mirror had me sobbing and i had to change my clothes before i could leave the house and i havent worn a bra since because just the thought of showing off my chest makes this stark fuckin dread shoot through my veins but i also have dysphoria in regards to my voice that i discussed at my last trans therapy group meeting actually ; my voice has a tendency to bounce around my octave range so sometimes ill be like. excited then hear what i sound like. and ruin it for myself immediately u kno? im not even gonna talk about my dicksphoria bc thats just. awful. 

What is the stupidest thing you’ve heard said about the lgbt+ community?-ohhhhhhhh my god u know what? ive heard..so much .. that im gonna instead take this opportunity to mention my mother genuinely thinks dnd is satanic

What’s your favourite thing about the lgbt+ community?-the fact that were so strong. we are so fucking strong we deal with violence and opposition constantly and at staggering rates yet we stay strong and we continue loving through all of it, whether its in dark corners in secret or loudly in the streets we continue loving and do so with all of our beings because we know its our own truth and well gladly go to hell if it means we got to love on earth (not that everyone believes in hell or the idea that us gays go to hell but my point stands)

What’s your least favourite thing about the lgbt+ community?-we have this audacity to create divide (to the fault of mostly cis white gay men thank u very much) when what we need to do is love each other because we are different but at the end of the day we all need to remain in tandem and as a family or we will never get to where we need to in terms of acceptance and that means being uplifting and protecting our trans sisters of color, our disabled lgbt members, our autistic lgbt members, our anything past cis white gay man because we all need recognition, we all need love, and to exclude any letters of lgbt is to tear ourselves down and set ourselves on fire

Have you ever been to your cities pride event? Why or why not?-no :((( no one would drive me in the past and i dont think ill have a way to get there this year either

Who is your favourite lgbt+ Icon/Advocate/Celebrity?-brian molko! my bisexual, androgynistically-inclined father who birthed me at the tender age of 16 when i found placebo

Have you been in a relationship and how did you meet?-ya theres been a few and i dont rlly like to talk abt my relationships with anyone unless theyre online relationships so im just gonna leave it at that

What is your favourite lgbt+ book?-pantomime by laura lam! its one of if not my favorite book to this day

Have you ever faced discrimination? What happened?-y a every damn day bitch ! example is when i was deadnamed by my psychiatrist while she knows full well what my name is the other day; another is the countless times i get called a lesbian ???? and when strict lesbians ask me out i get a very bad taste in my mouth (i understand full well that sexuality is fluid, these are lesbians that spit the ‘penis is gross blegh’ rhetoric)

Your Favorite lgbt+ movie or show?-uh im just gonna say preacher bc its my favorite show altogether n cass is bi/pan/something similar

Who are some of your favourite lgbt+ bloggers?-@ble3dmagic is my boyfriend in crime (not rlly thats a joke) and @musicalsense​ is my sunburnt Brother

Which lgbt+ slur do you want to reclaim?-queer! i also use f*ggot a lot when talking about myself and my friends that are ok with it

Have you ever gone to a gay bar, or a drag show, how was it?-i went to a drag show and it was so amazing and one of the first times i felt accepted in my own community that i cried

How do you self-identify your gender, and what does that mean to you?-well i identify as a man with no leaning towards womanhood or nonbinaryhood in any way, its just . man . but in terms of Expression i am quite androgynous bc i can rlly appreciate femininity (NOT the same as womanhood) and being a man to me means just that ive always wanted to grow up with that “gender role” like i always wish i was raised as a stereotypical parent would raise a son and ive always been more interested in stereotypically masculine things and people since i can even remember and i feel like puberty was just this unpreventable spiral into something i didnt want. i didnt want it at all . this is tmi but when i got my first period i cried my eyes out bc the idea of being called a Woman repulsed me so much and since i didnt even know that being trans was a concept i was just this scared puppy full of confusion and fear aimed at myself because all the stuff i heard i was supposed to be proud of the change but i wasnt i was so ashamed of it and the idea of being called a woman made me sick to my stomach and i just wish i could go back in time and hold myself and tell me itll be alright 

Are you interested in having children? Why or why not?-absoLutely not i hate kids (and by that i mean i hate being around them and the culture that surrounds having children; i do not treat kids like shit and i do not act like hating children is a personality trait; i get migraines and usually the second a child starts screaming or crying i am on the floor of my brain writhing in dire pain and i have absolutely no desire to support another human life when frankly i cant even support myself; its also just not a lifestyle i want to live)

What identity advice would you give your younger self?-god so fucking much. so fucking much. so many things i wish i could say to myself

What do you think of gender roles in relationships?-i think if someone wants to adhere to them then hell yea go ahead just dont expect others to do it or try to tell other people its a Norm or something; theyre for the most part christian in nature so i dont have any desire to follow them myself, i want a relationship (if any) thats more of a coexistence if that makes sense, like. roommates plus dick

Anything else you want to share about your experience with gender?-i always used to anxiously chew on the idea that my chest dysphoria is just me holding disdain for the shape and size of my breasts but let me tell you. the second i put on my binder for the first time i immediately started crying because i was so overwhelmed by the fact that i was looking at something one step closer to myself and i know full well i am never going to have that doubt again. this week has been exponentially cathartic and therapeutic for me

What is something you wish people know about being lgbt+?-i want the cisheteros to know that nothing they learn about us is new. everything about us has been around for so so long but has been silenced and erased to the point where a lot of us dont even know many things about our rich and beautiful history

Why are proud to be lgbt+?-honestly? its hard for me to not just straight up say im not proud of my identity. its taken me years to stamp down the plain grieving toward my identity and wishing i could have the easier path but frankly? the fact that i am choosing this path of hardship and hell on earth just to be who i truly am i think speaks volumes of my pride in my identity at this point; further back in my archive by a few years my posts are littered with sentiments of bitterness wherein i stated that i hate being trans and not just cis but i like to think ive finished hating myself for my identity. i like to think im proud now. to ask me why is to ask too much of me, all i know now is that i am proud and thats enough for me right now.

[leiheart]

need a space to put my thoughts. im fine, just releasing negative energy and basically dumping to an empty auditorium.

i keep complaining to people about the same problems and that gives me immense guilt. it makes me feel like im stagnant and not progressing enough, and i know that the problems i have are going to take a lot of time to unlearn, but i still feel frustration about it. and i also kind of just want to give voice to my shitty feelings without doing anything about it, because i know rationally the answers to all of this, but i just want to feel validated. esp from myself. and i dont want to continuously dump negative energy onto the same people so ahahah, here it is

a lot of my communication is fucked over and i feel like a lot of the same thing happens with people i’m close to. it almost feels like i shouldnt let myself get attached because i just end up hurting people. i overexert how much i give to people and take simple requests about my behavior extremely personally because of having to constantly care for parents on the brink of divorce. hearing them speak with so much vitriol makes me unable to take anything that anyone says as something other than an attack and because i project my sensitivity onto other people, i always feel like asking things for myself will hurt others too. and i dont value my own thoughts enough in the moment to speak up whenever things bother me in the slightest so it just bottles over until i break down. and i hate myself for it and ive been talking about it since i started therapy two years ago and i’m STILL fucking struggling and i hate myself. i dont want to be “irredeemable” but every single voice in my brain screams that. ive been in physical pain because of my self loathing and i’ve wanted to take it out on myself and i’m trying so hard. so so hard not to regress and spiral because i know its not good but i really dont have a healthy emotional outlet. my anxiety about my future with drawing interferes with my ability to fall back on it as that outlet, so i guess im fucked.

i feel like everything i do is wrong and that i have to apologize for my own fucking existence. i feel like i have to apologize for everything in advance because im going to fuck something up and i want to show that im trying to hold myself accountable. i feel like i’m being rude or selfish by NOT saying sorry. and being told that its annoying that i say sorry so much is, really hurtful for some reason? i dont know why and when i started saying sorry but i do know that it causes me immense panic if i dont say sorry because people will hate me. i just need one small sorry to appease the growing waves of guilt. like. what else can i do

and it feels very wrong to ask things for myself. very very wrong. and i know ignoring that isn’t healthy so i’ve been trying to pay more attention to that and figure out how to care for myself. and at the same time i constantly worry and think about other people’s feelings bc of how i had to survive in my own home with family members who needed therapy but refused to get it, so like, its so easy to put my own needs and feelings down. i dont want to use this as leverage at all over other people in my life but i care? a lot? and probably think about them more than myself every single day? and worry about them and try to offer support even when i know it will burn me out? and im not trying to martyr myself but at the same time, and i feel selfish for this, i spend so much emotional labor on myself that i havent spent enough of myself and whenever i finally have the balls to say or do something about it, it always seems to end in disaster.

its a bad thought but i feel like it would have been easier to have been dead and have avoided giving everyone else so much trouble. like on the one hand my overdependence on people almost drove a friend and myself to suicide when we spiraled on each other. but on the other hand my attempts to preserve myself without other people’s effort has the recurring theme of souring my relationships and reminding me of a total failure my fundamental interpersonal skills are. and i get that these are irrational thoughts but like, fuck, i’m feeling them. and each second i’m fighting them i’m fighting the urge to give in and ultimately kill myself. it feels like the only way i can go through life is just being alone and assuming all friendships in which i share my feelings will end in disaster. ofc thats an absurd conclusion and will make me unhappy but, if im already unhappy dealing with my interpersonal issues i at least wouldnt spread my unhappiness to other people.

i dont expect anyone to read this bc i have like 4 active followers but if you did you dont need to respond. actually, i think given how fragile my temper has been i would just be irrationally upset even tho i know people want to help. like hearing good words is great and all but im not okay right now and insisting im gonna be okay later isnt what i need to keep myself from fucking up my wrists. and like other people have no obligation to care for me right now and thats genuinely fine. i already know all the i will live and i will be okay shit. i just need to survive the present, and part of that means being a complete shithead on main for several seconds. thanks

[wildcatofgreen]

-Slice of life or plotted ideas?

Mun Questions

Slice of life or plotted ideas?

((good question! i dont know!

((i [mostly] kid, but like

((okay, lemme like, take this as more of a "random events pull the muses together" vs "the muns have an idea in mind"(

((in all my years of rp BEFORE this specific blog, it's always been the first one. and that's fun! it's lead to a lot of drama and a lot of funny things happening. like i still remember sonic teaching carol how to spin dash, or discord landing in carol's theoretical lap and chillin', or some random fights that happened all because carol is a hard headed idiot

((however, this year has kind of been my first REAL intro to plotted rps

((thaaaaaat i remember, anyway

((like, okay, im 100% sure me and sonar-mun plotted on the previous blog, but i literally do not remember a single lick of it. and it's never been to this extent where we have EVENTS PLANNED fucking WEEKS in advanced.

((dont quote me on this but i think as soon as sister's intuition finished there were thoughts about how carol confessing to sonar would go. i think we are both surprised at how it actually ended up but i know thoughts were thrown around and we've had this vague idea on how itd go

((IMs didn't EXIST back then! people had to talk through ASKS and FAN MAIL and shit. i even remember being MAD that tumblr did IMs in the first place.

((what a fool i was.

((ANYWAY! i think back then i was against the idea of plotting because it goes against what i felt like rp was/is--the SPONTANIETY OF IT ALL

((carol and fucking flowey meet, shenanigans ensue. that's it that's all you need and you have awesome interactions.

((or carol and sans. she tries to steal from him, sans threatens a murder. awesome! this is awesome!

((but like, with actual plotted THREADS you get these cool things that happen and then these spontaneous moments can happen BECAUSE of it

((it's like writing a story with someone and nobody knows what the outcome'll be--assuming y'all havent plotted that far ahead

((or, something something THE JOURNEY IS GREATER THAN THE DESTINATION. stuff like that.

((carol fuckin' used her jump disc WAY EARLIER in the jet race thread than i planned. me and them planned for it to tie but we didn't plan how we'd GET to the tie. and that's FUN. IT'S SO MUCH FUN.

((but then carol interacts with shigaraki on a whim and becomes... frrrrriends...? with a murderer. that's awesome. you cant get that anywhere else.

((there's a lot of give and pull between these two concepts and i find it incredibly fascinating. i love planning out shit with my friends. but i also love throwing this cat at my friends and seeing how their muses react! there's some things you just cant GET from either side and it's kind of magical.

((and this is all probably funny coming from me, the gal who writes a drabble every other day. but god i really DO love how cool some non plotted things are.

((side tangent about all my drabbles--A LOT OF THEM AREN'T PLANNED.

((CAROL IS ENGAGED RN BECAUSE AN ANON TEASED HER ABOUT IT. THIS IS HOW UNPLANNED MY DRABBLES ARE

((THAT ONE ANON ALONE SPIRALED OUT OF MY HEAD FIFTEEN OR MORE SEPARATE POSTS DETAILING THINGS I NEVER WOULD HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT OTHERWISE

((the lilac confession's been a long time coming, lets be real

((BUT IT WAS PEOPLE WHO SEND IN THESE FUNNY ASKS THAT MADE IT BE AS BIG OF A DEAL AS IT IS

((it's a collaborative writing project, all of this is. it's so fucking awesome and i feel honored everyday i get to be apart of someone's world or someone wants to be apart of mine or AAAAAAAAAAAAAA

((you have no idea how HAPPY it makes me to rp and make all of these awesome memories and things happen. i would have been speedrunning instead of this if sonar-mun didn't egg me on to write for carol again.

((musical tea 4evr

((oh! and one last thing!

((plotted threads or plotted THINGS in general are SUPER DUPER FUN because like

((when you have that MOMENT in mind, that moment that you so desperately wish to HIT, it can cause a calvacade of consuing conumdrums figuring out how the hell you GET there

((i wanted to get to the confession really badly but i knew that carol would never do it on her own

((so, how does one get her to do it? have her vent to cory. then to tangle [THIS WAS UNPLANNED, DO YOU SEE WHY I LOVE RP SO MUCH], then talk to milla, and then confess to LILAC, FIRST.

((lilac's confession was the only thing in my mind that made me go ''carol would definitely want to confess to sonar after this. itd give her the confidence she needs. "if lyli can do it, then so can i!!!" ''. and i mean it didnt really turn out like that but STILL

((and THEN, AFTER ALL OF THAT, THEN DOES THE CONFESSION TO SONAR HAPPEN, AND OH FUCKING MAN DID IT HAPPEN.

((raw emotions on display for everyone involved. it was so short but it was also so fucking exciting. i LOVE HITTING THOSE MOMENTS. ITS SO MUCH FUN!!!!!!!

((but uh, yeah.

((tl;dr: theyre both good. i have a lot of passion for both and im totally down to do either or.))

[oflgtfol]

passengers (2016) had the potential to be such a good movie but it was written in such a wrong way and it just wound up being shitty and gross........

im in such a ranty mood lately so yeah. this is long and probably incoherent so its under a read more

like if they wrote it from aurora’s perspective it couldve been such a cool space horror film. im not a big film buff so idk but i rarely see space horror moves? i see it more often in literature. but even then most space horror stories are all like, aliens and shit, but space is so vast and interesting, space horror has the capacity to be so unique and different from normal horror... aliens are basically just the demons and monsters on earth just in a different setting

space horror stories that really get me - the ones that really fucking chill me to the bone, that actually succeed in creeping me out - are always the ones that focus on being alone. space is so isolating, its so completely different from earth, like out there you are the loneliest you will ever be. you can be lonely in your bedroom but ultimately you’re on a planet with 7 billion other people, but in space, there is no one around for millions, billions, trillions of miles, hundreds and thousands of light years. you cannot get to safety. you are stuck in your situation whether you like it or not and nobody will come to help you. nobody will even know.

if your situation takes the wrong turn, then you will well and truly die alone in a way that nobody else has ever experienced before. its such a chilling concept and its completely realistic too, like i will always come back to the first moon landing when discussing this. nobody knew whether they could get the astronauts back to earth. they went down to the surface with no certainty that this place wouldnt be their deathbeds. they were the first 2 people to ever step foot on the moon, to ever step foot on a surface that wasn’t earth. if they couldnt get back up, then they would also be the first 2 people to die there, to die on a place that wasnt earth. it fucks me up so bad. so space horror is also so chilling because its plausible, this is the unknown we’re exploring and everything is new. everything in space is so far apart, its so lonely, and that fact remains true whether you’re talking about real life space travel or an event in fiction, which makes it feel way more genuine that regular horror. horror that deals with the supernatural loses that realism and it feels fake, like that wont happen to me because monsters and demons just dont exist

so you could take this conflict, one between humans, and put it into space? it becomes even more horrifying

with a horror movie set on earth dealing with a kidnapping, you root for the protagonist, for them to escape, for them to kill their captor if they must, and no matter how helpless the situation may seem you root for them because all they need to do is have access to phone to call 911, or grab that hammer and their problems are over, or kick their captor in the groin and make a break for the street. the helplessness from this story is that freedom is so close, yet so far

a horror movie set in space dealing with a kidnapping? the victim is stuck there no matter what. they can kill their captor. they could send a distress call. they could reach an escape pod and make a break for it. but no matter what, they are still stuck in space. you are so utterly isolated that a distress call could take years upon years upon eons to reach anyone who could possibly answer, and an escape pod would take even longer unless it can go at light speed

so the horror of the situation with space horror is that everything is up to you, and if you fail? its over.

with passengers though, its not that simple. because there its not just “up to you,” it is just utterly futile. jim took aurora out of her pod and no matter what she does will change that. her situation is irreversible

(i havent seen it in a while but i know towards the end there was that emergency pod, but uhm. did she even know about it until jim told her about it? yeah. that adds to the horror of it)

the film however. is written from jim’s perspective. the film deals with this isolation a bit at the beginning which i had actually enjoyed in that kinda sick oh no feeling that space horror like this always gives me. it was interesting to actually see it depicted in a movie! i’ve only read about this kinda situation in a written story in only one book, but im sure theres more out there, but either way it was novel for me

and the temptation of opening aurora’s pod is what adds to it. its either you go fucking insane because you live out the next few decades with no other human contact, you kill yourself, or you open up someone else and suffer with someone else by your side, but thats the BAD route and now you’re a horrible person. its a serious moral question! you go a whole year of being utterly, completely alone with absolutely zero human contact, but you are surrounded by other humans. its fucking painful. i cant even imagine that

i respect that portion of the film! i do! but then he opens up aurora’s pod. and it suddenly becomes a romance movie, and continues to be framed in jim’s perspective. bad move.

if we took out jim’s spiraling descent to opening up aurora’s pod, and started the film with her waking up, frame it as a romance movie, it could be really good. the reveal where she found out he is the reason shes awake, he’s the one who robbed her of life, her potential, her everything she ever knew. he’s stranded her in the middle of nowhere for the sole reason of keeping him company

the sheer impact of this revelation is lost because the movie is in jim’s perspective. we already sympathize with him due to the beginning. he was introduced first, and his suffering was obvious, so we look at aurora and its almost like we should think well thats all well and good but poor jim! but jim had the comfort that at least him waking up was just a random event. aurora was woken up because he was awake. if he was still asleep, then so would she, and she would still have her life and future. and even if someone was still randomly woken up, if it wasnt jim of all people, then she would most likely still be awake too. its all the horrible circumstances intersecting and she got caught in the crossfires due to him succumbing to his situation.

now i’m not saying that jim is evil. no one has ever been in this situation before. i really don’t know what the fuck i’d do and i don’t think anybody knows what they would do either until they were in his shoes. it’s all morally ambiguous and it’s just shitty all around - but ultimately, it was a horrible horrible decision that ruined another person’s life. he was directly responsible for her losing everything. and the fact that he hides this from her? is even fucking worse. it’s understandable, but my god is it BAD

and in making this a romance movie. the horror of aurora’s situation is just lost! because our goal is to see them kiss and fall in love by the end of the movie, so the audience isn’t meant to look to harshly at jim. he suffers no real consequences for his actions. and ultimately it is a romance, because jim ~sacrifices himself~ and aurora realizes that hey we’re gonna be here for the rest of our fucking lives, i might as well enjoy it. which is a shit attitude to have in a relationship of any kind by the way!

but by framing this as a horror movie, aurora could be wayy more sympathetic to the audience. the romantic angle when she first wakes up would feel insidious, and we would feel the betrayal when it’s revealed that jim is the reason she woke up. jim would be the villain obviously, and the moral ambiguity of his decision to wake her up would make him a relatable villain, but it would still hold him accountable for what he’s done. i just think the end product would be a lot more poignant than it was as a romance movie

and now to wrap it up, here’s my ideas on how to do it: film starts with aurora on earth before she’s about to leave, talking to all her friends and talking about how much she wants to go to this other planet, how great of an opportunity it would be. she boards the ship and goes under. and then within a few seconds, she’s waking up. the waking up scene is framed the same way jim’s was, and not from the side from jim’s perspective like it was in the actual movie. we get to see all her confusion and exhaustion from her perspective. once she’s acclimated or whatever, she’s futzing around the ship when jim stumbles upon her, acting all confused and excited to see another person, and its so genuine that nobody, including aurora, is any wiser that he’s the cause of it. then its all the romance shit, and falling in love, its fun, she’s like “oh my god it sucks that we’re stuck like this and we’re gonna die alone” and they comfort each other, yadda yadda, its meant to build trust between them and between the audience and jim. maybe theres a few scenes peppered in that build suspense like, wtf is going on, but ultimately the Jim Trust scenes kinda turn us/her away from that. but then its aurora talking to the robot guy and the robot guy lets it slip that jim was the one to wake her. it zooms into her face, and in the background you can see jim, all dark and blurred, looming over her. she goes to cry in her room or whatever, like she did in the movie, and its like flashes on previous scenes but now all the little hints to it make sense

anyway i dont have many more ideas just that at the end jim tells her about the extra pod and she goes in, and jim... hm.. maybe its vague.. maybe he lives out the rest of his days and he’s the one to leave the plants behind, maybe he died while sacrificing himself, idk. im not a horror writer. something to humanize jim, that this could’ve been anyone making this shitty decision while emotionally compromised, but still makes it clear that he was in the wrong, very in the wrong

the romance in the actual movie felt, like, poisoned because of what he did, and it rubbed me very wrong that they picked it back up all bc he was willing to die at the end to fix the spaceship. if anything, they should’ve only been friends. idk. actually focusing on aurora and her perspective feels like it could’ve taken the film in a much more interesting turn than just “standard het couple gets together in the end despite the girl being hurt by the guy” like every. fucking. movie.

[authenticaussie]

I, K, M!

I: Do you have a guilty pleasure in fic (reading or writing)?

oh god fake dating??? kills me forever and ever and ever??? and I havent seen it much but,,,,,love potions man.....love potions. the ANGST!!! the angst!!!!!!!! one character being in love with another character who gets whammied!!! and trying to deal with the fact that the other character is acting all mushy!! and this isn’t what they want but also god...they’re so selfish....they’ll take whatever they can get,,,,

And superheroes omfg I love superheroes so much ;u; though I don’t think that’s a guilty pleasure??? Idk. I have 3000 years of fake dating aus though so . I mean. I just. :T I love it. Pinning is so good in fics. mutually “”unrequited””,,,,,??? or like it actually is unrequited and slowly then grows to Not?? idk. when fics make my heart hurt because of that like. they Instantly become a fave. the sensation of Absolute Agony in your heart and you just!!!! want to hug them!!!! oh my god!!! 

also in that same vein whEN THEY CONFESS. AND GET TURNED DOWN. AND LATER THE OTHER CHARA REALISES THEY DO ACTUALLY LIKE CHARA A. SHIT M’MAN. SHIT. goddamnnnn im so for that shit

im really trying to think about like. guilty pleasures tho. the only thing i get guilty reading is makeouts LAUGHS AWKWARDLY

K: What’s the angstiest idea you’ve ever come up with?

100k+ of slow build and character development and plot that had a betrayal created by Sabo to protect Ace & Marco from his father for all that they’ve done for him (bc he started the series with pretty severe anxiety and ptsd) and Ace and Marco chase him down and are like we don’t need you to protect us all by yourself, we’ll protect each other?? and sabo broke down crying because he hated being alone and he’d thought he was being strong by cutting them out but it’d been. a bad idea. 

And then Ace got shot by Sabo’s dad during the reunion and died. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ And then Marco didn’t really function properly and neither of them could figure out how to help each other and Sabo spiralled and Marco Didn’t Do Well and though eventually they figured it out and kind of helped each other, Ace would....always be Gone.

But Lolles threatened to never review my stuff again if I did it sniggers.

Morrina is pretty sad and it doesn’t technically have a happy ending because it never got Developed pretty far, so honestly, even though it does end with a lot of healing and etc. House of Cards I think is one of the angstiest ideas I’ve got. Especially. With all the stuff I added. in the plan. :3c

M: Got any premises on the back burner that you’d care to share?

so many….oh god, so many. 

ace survives marineford but sabo doesn’t remember him and visits the wbs and so ace is dealing w/ guilt and scars and anxiety bc,,,,he loves his family so much but he knows some people only see him as gold roger’s son, now, and that’s what sabo’s there for and ace thinks sabo remembers them but. that he abandoned them bc of ace’s mistakes....it’s a good time. It’s also super slow build marco/ace with like. 95% pinning marco for another side dash of pain, and I enjoy writing it bc it’s in second person!!! Which i dont get to write a lot anymore, which kinda sucks, bc I love second & present person haha.

Never Be is a hamilton-kind-of-au that has 10k but idk when i’ll finish it (if I’ll finish it, lol, it’s an exercise in STOP BEING A FUCKING WIMP NARI) but sabo is a servant and ace and marco are married but marco kisses sabo!? and doesnt do a good job explaining himself l a u g h s and so ace is like Fuck You marco and goes and kisses sabo and then. they’re both dating sabo but not each other ?? idiots.  

also there’s an au where ace/sabo are dating ish (canon based au) and make moves on marco but marco just thinks they want to sleep with him and he’s like ah. oh. okay. and agrees w/o realising what he agreed to and they think they’re all dating but marco thinks it’s friends w/ benefits and. omfg. dumbasses. so oooo dumb. SO SO DUMB.

[stellar-stag]

Wow it’s been a while since I did a personal update here huh

I’ve honestly transitioned a lot of my venting/personal stuff to twitter

(I promise I havent abandoned you for my furry friends)

(I kinda have)

(I totally have)

(sorry)

But I feel like the last couple months have been a whirlwind for me, so I may as well keep y’all in the loop. I’m gonna sort these by topic.

First off, I had some issues with my romantic feelings. There’s a guy, a very very good friend, who is just fantastic in so many ways. Friendly and kind and supportive, progressive and enthusiastic, and shares so many of my interests. Seems natural that I would fall for him, right?

Well I did, and it resulted in a lot of emotional duress.

He has a girlfriend, and I knew this going in, but I didn’t fight my attachment. In the process of admitting my feelings to him and working through everything, I learned a lot about myself and got some practice in controlling my emotional state and how I react to things. But I also relied on him as an emotional crutch and used him for validation, especially during some particularly low emotional points, which is unfair to him. It is only because he is immensely understanding that we remain close friends, and this could have easily resulted in disaster.

But through this process I have grown, and identified a new issue blocking me from being of completely sound mind: Low self-esteem and reliance on others for validation. During my more anxious periods, I would slip into joking self-deprecation, and somewhere along the way it stopped being so joking. But surely, now that I’m taking meds for anxiety it would stop, right? Well, no. Turns out, even if I stopped consciously having thoughts of “Wow, I’m so bad at this”, I didn’t automatically gain appreciation or acceptance of myself. This manifests in a particularly dangerous manner when guys who are attractive are nice to me. 

I end up conflating kindness with romantic intent, and decide that obviously, if someone doesn’t have romantic interest in me, I must be irreparably flawed in some way. This is bullshit, and I consciously understand that, but my subconscious doesn’t play by the rules. So I end up in a self-loathing spiral that only manifests in periods of intense romantic desire, and a month later I’m exhausted, bruised, and have run the risk of alienating those around me who care about me.

So how to fix it? I suppose I’ll need to work on drawing validation from within, so that rejection feels less of a condemnation of my character and everything I am. It won’t be simple, to be sure, but understanding the issue is the key to overcoming it. 

Here’s hoping.

Secondly: I started working out! As of today, March 24th, I have been to the gym 12 times this month (half the days, holy shit) and thats because I, last week, decided to go from 3 workouts a week to 5, solely because I wanted to. If you told me a year ago that I would, of sound mind and body and my own volition, wake up every weekday at 5:45am to go workout for an hour, and enjoy the experience, I would have called you a liar. 

But I am, and I do. I think it’s benefitting my mental health and self confidence, and I’m thankful that I’m in a place where its even an option. This is only possible due to a coalition of so many factors: A free gym in my office and a natural predilection to waking up early to remove barriers, I started taking Vyvanse in January to aid in my attention issues (not sure if I have ADD/ADHD or what, but it’s helping me remained focused in all aspects of my life and for that I am grateful). And, of course, two people who aided in the impetus for beginning and making it a habit: My dad, for giving me crippling self-worth issues my entire life and then visiting in February and criticizing my health and weight (because I was sweating after walking up a hill, which more and more I realize is not actually an indicator of my exertion! I am just a person who sweats easily, and its more a function of temperature and endocrine system than anything else) and giving me the sheer spite to begin working out, and the guy I was crushing on (who is intensely into working out, and I wanted to impress him. Yeah, I was hella thirsty. Sue me). 

Regardless of the reasoning, I found that (once I cut cardio because seriously, fuck cardio), I enjoy working out in the mornings. It’s calming to wake up by exertion and then cool down slowly at my desk before other people even wake up. It’s given rise to a ritual of sorts where I get to my desk, deal with my emails, make breakfast and tea, all before anyone shows up, so that I can really hit the ground running. And more than that, I don’t have a goal in mind. I’m doing this because I know it’s good for me and I want to be healthy, and I enjoy the exertion and following “good” tiredness. If I was trying to lose weight or trim  fat, or stuck only to cardio, I would have given up by now. But its a habit, and I love it, and I’m sleeping better, eating better, and feeling better.

Again, this is only possible because of an alignment of several factors, but I’m thankful for it, and I’m glad I got out of the mindset that “workouts must suck but people do them because they wanna lose weight”. You don’t gotta do anything you don’t want to do, and I wish I had realized that sooner. Im feeling way better about my body, even, because despite the fact that I haven’t lost weight or gotten trimmer from working out, I know I’m eating (pretty) well and working out, and that my body does everything I need it to. I can take pride in the callouses on my hands and the soreness of my body, because they’re proof of dedication, exertion, and effort, and those are way better things to feel good about than shape and size, anyways. If people think I’m unhealthy because I have fat, they can suck it.

Thirdly, I’ve begun looking for a condo to buy! Housing in the bay area is STUPID EXPENSIVE (and yes everyone knows this, and I know this, but it bears repeating). But I can put a down payment on a one bedroom in a good location, and I’m prequalified for a loan, and I just need to keep waiting and pouncing on leads. I think I’ll be happier living by myself with a kitchen to myself, and still going out to social events to prevent becoming a hermit. Plus, with this setup I can maybe bring dudes back and not have to show them the pigsty that is our living room or the shoebox that is my bedroom. I was terrified at the start of this process, but my mom and the realtor have been awesome about taking this step by step and ensuring nothing is confusing or surprising, which is sweet.

Fourthly, possibly because I’ve been taking Vyvanse but also possibly because I’ve finally begun understanding what the hell I’ve been doing, I’ve really hit my groove at work. The project I’m working on is complex but interesting, challenging but well understood, and I don’t feel alone but still get to feel a sense of ownership. It’s not the most fulfilling thing ever (I don’t know that working on payments platforms for a corporation ever will be) but I enjoy work, I don’t loathe going to work, and despite the fact that I was sick as a dog all this week, I came in everyday (after working out) to work full productive days, and I was happy at the end of each of them, more or less. Its not perfect but its head and shoulders above what most people get from their jobs, and I’m immensely fortunate to be in this position.

Fifthly, this is more a continuation of already known things, but I’m making cool friends in the furry fandom. I’ve made good friends, some who I hope I will keep as friends for the rest of my life, and I’ve already made plans to go to Reno in June and Disneyworld in November to hang out and have fun with them. As nerve wracking as being an adult is sometimes, the freedom is something I wouldn’t trade for anything. 

Sixthly, I’ve been taking a creative writing workshop in SF! It finished last weekend and I’m happy to not need to commute each week anymore, but I learned a lot about reading like a writer and choices you can make as a writer to achieve desired effects. The workshop focuses on narrators and how who is telling the story tells it, and the model they use for exercises is SO HELPFUL. We would read an excerpt of something, discuss how the narrator/choices/tense/mood all work together, and then we would write something in a similar format about whatever we wanted. Lemme tell yall, that is so much more helpful to me as a student than just prompts. Having a guide to format is like drawing from references, its helpful and and great for learning and gives you the tools to make your own things later on. I highly recommend it, and I can’t wait to get back to my book. 

Got a lot of art to make first, though. I’ve definitely improved a lot in artistic skill and confidence, and I’m loving finding niche styles that I like and mimicking them. The stained glass pic I posted yesterday is proof of that, I feel. Its drawn from Mucha and various real life stained glass windows and a bit from Kingdom Hearts, but I took these and the tools at my disposal and wove it into something that feels complete. I figured out how to apply a cloudy “glass” texture, glows, stabilization, symmetry tools, pattern design, and more all through the process, and I know theres so much room to iterate and grow, in shading and coloring and proportion. But even knowing I have room to grow, I’m proud of what I put out and I put a lot of my heart into that piece (yes, its a birthday gift for workout boy. Shut up). I think I’m going to accept commissions for pictures in this style, even. It’s great fun.

So yeah, the last couple of months have been intense. I’ve had ups and downs, but I’ve learned and grown a lot, and I think I’m in a really good place in my life right now, and I hope that every one of you achieves a similar level of peace.

[tumblunni]

Aaaaa ugh time of the month started And I’m breaking my ‘no caffeine’ fast AGAIN because I’m just so exhausted and gross feeling and I need it :P and just... uuuugh it doesnt hurt as much as it used to, I get less abdominal cramps now i try sleeping on my back whenever it starts but its still just so draining and demotivating when I know I’m not female yet I’m gonna have to deal with this shit anyway just GUH its so gross stop reminding me i have ovaries period blood fucking SMELLS, even! it smells completely different to regular blood and just a million times worse than anything on earth. i feel just as unclean as people used to treat women on their periods in ancient civilization, its just so horrible i have to pay attention to my ovaries for a week each month i have to be all achey and smell like a monster and constantly never be able to get clean and its so bad cos i have an inconsistant period i can never predict so theres always just that horrible moment of realizing halfway through the day that its started and now a good mood is ruined I refuse to let this mood be ruined, I’m just gonna stop thinking about it, ok take the pain meds and think about ANYTHING ELSE except dysphoria jesus christ and even seriously THE WORST BIT is how my period almost always coincides with my birthday too! it landed on my birthday this year and last year and on my 18th. it always fluctuates around the 12 to the 15th and its always the 12th in october exactly when i dont want it GAHHHH and sometimes its really painful and sometimes its okay and sometimes its REALLY PAINFUL I have these ridiculous blisteringly horrid periods that make me unable to fuckin walk straight cos my entire abdomen has gone numb while I vomit out everything I try to eat and sweat straight through my clothes with fever and friggin hallucinate this year’s birthday i had to go through that I had to WALK HALF A MILE TO THE SHOPS while going through that I was all out of medication and i nearly fucking fainted in the street on the way back I couldnt see anything at all, i was that goddamn dizzy it took me five tries to unlock my own door and i fucking didnt leave the house for a month after having to be outside while i was all gross and sweaty and probably everybody hated me and gahhhh I get paranoid that people can fuckin smell it on me and they know this body is female even if the person inside it isnt... I get paranoid they’ll all know I’m a fake I need to stop spiralling and just take my medicine dear god I keep freaking out more and more each month, i was able to handle this better when i was younger... it just keeps settling in that im gonna have to deal with this for the rest of my LIFE for no goddamn reason at all plz tie my tubes dear god doctor: okay we can talk about the transgender thing later, right now the priority is fixing your depression MY DUDE MY GUY DONT YOU THINK THAT WOULD HELP WITH MY DEPRESSION??? god i know probably he just means my medication would interact badly with testosterone suppliments but whatever seriously can i at least talk to a therapist about it or have my right pronouns used i built up all the courage to tell my support worker and they just pretend like it never happened and i keep cringing every time everyone keeps saying ‘miss’ and ‘woman’ even though I TOLD THEM seriously please dont make me remind you im not brave enough to speak up againnnn its hilarious the only place im out of the closet is frickin DWR CYMRU WATER BILLS COMPANY they added a ‘mx’ option on their registration forms and allowed me to change my details i dont even have it on my birth certificate, i dont even have my psychologist aknowledging it, but my frickin bathroom faucet provider is there for me they provide representation where it counts and also tap repair when it counts just imagine me scraping my claws across my face because that is what i am doing right now I need to eat my takeaway and take my medication and think about LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE okay okay I’ll try doing the measurements to get my custom binder ordered I’ll do that ...maybe tomorrow I dont know I keep putting it off cos I hate looking at my naked chest I wish i just had a bra size to give them but I legit have never known my bra size I couldnt fucking stand getting tested for it and having saleswomen look at me and touch me and talk about fucking breasts like theyre something great and like I’m a fucking woman when im not, please listen to me dear god and everyone’s telling me to get cervical exams for vaginal cancer and blablabla its important to get tested once a year when you’re over 20 but I AM NOT GETTING PEOPLE SHOVING SHIT UP MY HORRIBLE DYSPHORIA ORGAN WHILE TALKING ABOUT HOW FEMALE I APPARANTLY AM god why do i keep spiralling and thinking about everything bad I dont want to think about my body i just want the pieces gone i feel like a lunatic cos even most trans people dont have moments of literally wanting to cut your own stomach open with a knife and take the parts out i get the stupidest most over the top self harm thoughts I spend way too much time thinking of how the fuck I could possibly perform my own top surgery without bleeding out or dying of infection or whatever I ended up dwelling on it way too much when that old comic Y The LLast Man mentioned amazons ‘burning off their left boob’ as a sign of fellowship or something, I spent ages trying to figure out how the fuck you do that and how I could do it right now someone save me from this flesh coffin gross fucking sacks of uselessness and a spiderweb of disgusting blood organs that serve no purpose except punishing me every month for not wanting to have sex yeah geez fucking christ isnt femininity great cant imagine why anyone would ever not want to be a woman gahhhh and then I end up being a rude piece of shit and probably alienating all my trans woman friends who want this kind of body, and im just like PLEASE TAKE IT AWAY why cant there be a magical ray that lets us swap give me a way to pretend I’m being generous instead of selfish by self-mutilating this sad sack of a body gahhh ... sorry, dont take it serious guys, I’m just venting. I’ve had a lot of disturbing self hate thoughts before but I havent acted on them since I was a teenager. Its not all dysphoric though, sometimes god likes to spice it up by making me imagine slicing my own eyeballs out of my head or whatever XD i was having such a good day, I was going to go start drawing again... why now...

[idksheepthoughts]

Conversations Me: you actually soft blocked me....                                   any reason why?

Her: lol the fact that you noticed this late   but it happened on accident actually and i went and unblocked               but at that point i was like lmao like she'll notice so i never mentioned it              

Me: If you hate me just say so. No need to lie.... I don't check shit like that every day but it's not that many days since I know it was maybe a week or less ... Whatever. I'm so splitting atm. So I'll shut up before I say something else             

Her: hate? when the fck did i mention that?         yes, better shut up before you stick your foot in your mouth as usual                 since i've done nothing hostile to you as if me feeling like i matter to no one and have the smallest amt of friends possible is somehow how an Attack on You.

Me: you blocked me... on "accident" how does that even happen.... i've told you tons of times that the amount of friends depends solely on yourself. and your willingness to talk to people and work past the anxiety and fear that talking to people causes. . . otherwise I wouldn't even have friends. because if i isolated and neveer talked to anyone ever first that nobody would talk to me in the first place. . . ugh whatever. i've said too much im just going to sober up and talk later i guess.... I can't always be here I try to be but like we said previously, i didn't know what to do between give you loads of attention and give you nothing at all...

Her: tumblr mobile? lol. if you can't believe me when i say that then i don't really want to talk to you since everytime i feel bad or have like, negative feelings regarding my own situations you always take it so personally (1) and then i have to dread these fcking conversations so when we've been talking normally on twitter                 it all goes to fcking shit because you can't accept that i get to feel bad and feel upset about stuff regardless of whether or not im taking actions to help myself in my own way at my own pace...doesn't mean you get to think that i hate you so i blocked you      because what the fuck how does it work when we've been chatting like everyday on twitter?                   and it was (what i thought) fine? good? (2) if it really was the case i wouldve blocked you here or just flat out deleted since then i'd only have one fucking follower :) so just. let me have emotions. and don't assume things. this is so funny because i remember you getting mad at me months ago for the same exact thing   and here we are, situations reversed  

Me: BECAUSE i have a huge fear of abandonment.... it was fine but this stuff even if its an accident just idk .... i guess you never saw how much abandonment even if its an accident sends me into depressive spirals??? have i ever left you no. i've been distant yes but i've never full on unfollowed or left... idk you block me a lot and delete and it hurts every time.                                    

Her: "even if" can you believe me????? first off???? (3) and no you havent god if it was such a problem just follow me and then ask me about it because why would i lie lol (4) i don't like friendships built on lies i'll never talk to someone like that genuinely   i have insecurities too. i have enough

Me: ok it was an accident.

Her: i didn't even think it was a problem first off considering all those people you put on your thanksgiving post. and then you never noticed/messaged me about so i was like k, so that's that! and just talked w/ you normally here  (5)           so let's just accept the fact that we've got our problems and there's better ways to handle this than assuming motives

Me: so you did change url because of that post??? like my paranoid ass thought???? i was right on that???? cause i noticed that and was like... maybe its not related but was it????? cause I just want to know... im not mad at that at all just... i want to not assume things atm.    and i notice stuff slowly because I try not to fall into obsessive traits. its not healthy to check who im following or who is greyed out or blocked every single day. . . I try to just let things be but when I do notice stuff i can't help but explode. I tried to be calm by just asking why.... but i clearly failed at that. its whatever. I followed back. if it happens again just like.. tell me please??? this stuff makes me so close to slitting my wrist                                    

Her: no, i changed my url because i was sitting on that url for a while and i wanted to use it              

Me: okay, it was just a paranoid thought.                             

Her: well, i really, really, really, don't like when you start assuming things even after i tell you or not believing me. we've been friends for how long? does it mean nothing? you'd think i'd lie at this point? x____x       (6) .those thoughts make me want to die      

Me: i'm sorry for thinking irrationally, but with how many people just up and leave, all the time even with being friends for long periods its hard not to jump to conclusions. I am in the wrong for falling into my own paranoid thoughts. You explained things and I don't believe that you are lying so its fine.                        

Her: oh, now you believe me                     after i have to hold your hand when i'm upset (7) whatever i'm probably not going to follow back because i hate that i have no friends and my mutuals ignore all my posts when i try to put myself out there     it's gotten to a point where i can't post stuff on tumblr anymore because i know no one gives a shit             like even as happy as i am about my commission i know if i post that on my tumblr i'll make the artist seem bad when no one likes my post  idc. i'm bitter and alone and probably always will be because i don't have any friends aside from you o/                           like, be grateful you even have that many people to be grateful for   (8)      i'd kill for it i feel like dying when i think about this and i think about it a lot     but ofc i don't moan about it anywhere except on this stupid fucking twitter account                   where you seem ot think i live a dandy life   (9)                                    it fcking sucks bc im trying my best!                                           anyways im done lol           oh and then you post shit like *Edit* (Screenshot of some tags where I said I always listen to people but nobody likes listening to me so I talk to my cats a lot which is true because I’m a burden and i hate bothering people with my problems so much)                    that when you damn well no i have no one else to listen to except you online      and we've been civil lately                         but ok! i guess i don't care!  because im living it up!       #sarcasm    (10)

Me: you havent followed me in probably over 10 or so months, whenever i remade, cause i don't think you followed me when i delteed either,  i didn't expect a follow back at all. i just expect us to be not mutuals but still friends? THEN TALK TO PEOPLE TALK TO PEOPLE AND TALK TO PEOOPLE thats all i did was work past my fears and talk to people and some stuck around some didn't. i dont know what else to say. some of those people haven't actually spoken to me in months either but im still grateful for them. I have nothing else to really advise on that other than you gotta put the talking in first. thats all i've done and its somehow managed to not fuck it up for this long??? i dont think i've had any friend longer than whenever we started being friends... so around 2 years...    

Her: no offense but just talking to people doesn't do shit :) but seriously, thanks :)       (Phone lagged) So I repeated my previous message by accident)                           

Her: yeah probably the only reason you havent fucked it up is because i dont want to be fucking alone and i dont give up easily so ive stayed with this even fi you make me feel like fucking shit when this happens   & since you said nothing to everything else i just said i guess im right :)             god im over this i dont want to fight and i dont want to talk to you becaus eim always explaining my problems and you just like. tell me the same shit each time as if it'll magically do stuff   liek the fact that im trying doesnt mean anything                 i dont wanna talk to you if its always going to be like this ill take the goddamn loss and be lonely while youve got your fucking harem of friends idc if its an exaggeration the point is everyone i considered a friend has just stopped talking to me completely and the only thing i get here is you telling me what to do like i need cold hard instructions for making a friend  

ME: Harem??? You know nothing about anything. Ya know what..... forget it. If it's better I don't say anything because nothing I says helps and  I'm a broken record. You want to assume because I tagged a lot of people doesn't mean I wasn't just fishing for validation. Me trying to help is just being a dumb mistake. I can't help anyone and why I try is also confusing because I am pointless. I'm keeping you in my note regardless you have been here and listened and that hadn't changed.  But if this is just going to explode it's going to explode. All I do is ruin everything and I don't even care anymore I'm going to buy a gun soon anyways. So what's the point in trying to make something work. I've always been a shit friend and it's just not worth it to you at this point. So okay.                   

Her: HERE let me qutoe for you something    "idc if its an exaggeration"                                      ^^^^^^^             unlike you im aware when im being irrational lmao    (11)     apparnetly you get to be and i dont                             thats how it always is            did you ever think about it feels for me   when my only friend does shit like this constantly    like lmao                                ofc not bc why would you consider anything from my point of view  this conversation is over until you want to stop fucking assuming i dont care       LOL     and acting as if me letting you go is the best thing that could happen to me       like we couldnt j ust talk on twitter and let it fucking be but you have todrag it all in at least i get to get stuff off my chest thats the only fucking good that comes out of this  like you dont get that you telling me the same thing hurts because it doesnt fucking work and i dont have any fucking friends  i have college to deal with and studies and that pressure but you dont know the half of it?    but you just want to assume, assume, assume   (12) i cried already out of anger    

Me: I didn't have friends in college either                                 

Her: big offense but i dont want to continue this conversation

ME: Okay

Her: unles syoure willing to admit to your bullshit       because ima lways doing that and im always getting the end of your shit      

Me: I am made of nothing but bullshit I'm nothing but a huge fucking shit storm and I always will be. You should have left a long time ago because I don't know how to not be toxic   It's not That I won't be upset by you leaving far from it but you deserved better people and maybe if you had left and kept trying as you have been things will turn around. Because literally everyone that has ever done that with me ended up fine and in a good spot. I hold people back. And that's all I can think of. I ruin other people's lives by being in it. And I've certainly made your life worse. And I'm just better off dead because I am a selfish fucking loser.     I'll shut up now.

[thesanguinecrow]

How ya doin my pal, wanna aloborate on those posts ye made there? (Obviously you don't have too, but I hope those feelings pass soon/ whatever caused them is resolved)

hey there my dearanon!

In reference to these posts: 

TLDR: person who kinda led me on but i care about a lot isrefusing to accept help, other ppl are irritating, and im livid

so this summer i started talking more withthis guy who i find physically attractive that i met last school year who whenfirst laying his eyes upon me he turns and is in awe like he just saw a goddessand proceeds to give me multiple hugs. everything seemed great we had goodconversations and it got really compliment heavy and, probably not exactwording but, he said “would it be crazy to say i might like you” but nonethe less still acting as if he said he did. (quick side note: what the fuck doyou mean maybe) me being the lonely ass i am seeing a golden opportunity ofoutlet for the intense love i can and want to provide goes for it but lemmestress that maybe.

things go on and we cool we chill but then hebrings up that he did the do with his childhood friend the day he startedtalking to me and the same day he said he “might” like me (kindairrelevant but he was in Oregon at thattime and I was in Los Angeles) i tell him im hurt i thought i was special toyou and i guess i still am but whatever (low key feel like this wasmanipulative) and hes like yeah you are special and important but it all justkinda crashed and dissolved from there 

but the thing is i get, i feel, unhealthilyattached and i still got this torrent of emotion flowing through me im alsohella codependent. he has coping issues and often resorts to shitty copingmethods like empty relationships, weed, and alcohol and i dont want to see himfuck up his life like i want to help him through his issues and not spiral intoshit he can have a good life. 

one day he calls me and hes like i dont feelgood i feel like imma pass out n shit ive been telling him for the past coupledays to stop relying on those things its not healthy i tell him to eat well andstop living off energy drinks then he hangs up outta no where and i get ignoredfor like half an hour im here thinking holy crap hes passed out on the floorand then  he calls back soundin all fine an dandy. eventually we stoptalking and he actually stopped using his phone entirely still to this day so ihave no way of contact outside of school. 

school starts again and i try to start thingsup i still wanna help him i talk and ask hows he doin and he got a littlebetter he opens up about his afflictions but hes refusing to accept my help andi know i cant force him to accept it and he doesnt need to talk to me about itbut he still keeps using this shitty coping mechanisms to avoid his problemsand doesnt get help and im screaming its not like wine where itll all be fine.things like this can rot, boil, and fester creating something horrible beyond mymind to currently describe. 

one of my friends has confronted him and toldhim that he should be more careful about his actions and how they affect othersand that people (specifically mentioning me) care a lot about him to which hereplies so and so just wants you to hate me and its not that bad (but ithonestly is that bad from what hes told me and what ive seen) 

disclaimer im conflicted and kinda feel like i haveno right to have gotten so livid. today i saw him with his girlfriend, a statuscoming out of no where, and my other friend tells it was based on a bet and hehas little to no actual attraction for her and at this point idk if have rightto be mad. i dont necessarily want to be in a relationship with him right nowbut i dont want him to be using empty relationships and people as copingbecause thats a shitty thing to do and its not fixing the problem and i get solivid. 

that was part one. part two is about myadvanced fashion class but not to get so into detail about that i havent madeprogress for like a week i have so many outfits to finish and am feelinginadequate and my classmates and the teacher can sometimes be difficult. 

sorry for the hella long rant still bitter butive cooled off considerably from right when it went down. i should probablyjust let him go. i care i tried but maybe its just best i leave it. i dont havetime to have to deal with this kinda stress

i love you so much foryour concern and well blessings i wish you well precious anon

[ssauronn]

mmm crossposting a life update here from my twitter w edits bc here its easier to keep tabs on and i dont need to bother my friends unless they want to be bothered so everyone wins. 

 HOLY SHIT so the bitch i fought w over fucking facebook for being an asshole about pulse last year literally destroyed her friendship w my mother over it lmao. for context, she has a disabled child. my mother has kept trying to be kind to this lady because literally my mother did nothing, why the fuck should my beef with her affect her friendship w my mother? previously this dumb shit, lets call her K, got her husband and her shit like-minded right-wing circlejerk 40s+ friends to gang the hell up on me at 18 and started shitting on my mother out of NOWHERE for not "raising me properly", because i was "disrespecting" k, well after the convo had ended on my part. she blocked me, her disabled child also blocked me after asking me to apologize, to which i refused obv. i explained gently to her that i was not about to apologize for calling out her mom bc her biggest only problem w pulse was headlines calling it the worst massacre on american soil w a link to a wikipedia article she apparently didnt fucking read; the only worse ones were in wartimes according to it. (which apparently she read wrong, she thought I meant there were wars when other massacres happened?? like no the only bigger ones there were literally during the civil war and shit like that) I didn’t call her any names, and I certainly didn’t insult her fucking family. her son unfriended me, and ok ok, everythings fine with me, she fucking acted like a martyr when a couple people took my side and claimed i and others (who chimed in arguing more for my perspective because she was way over the top, which was cool tbh) were SO misled and delusional and blocked her so we’ll never learn I guess! when i never did shit but told her to stop talking. I only know this because she didn’t block my mother. Everything’s still cool for me like, K, this is really more of a you problem. Fast forward a year fucking later and my mother has tried to be cordial and nice and all this shit bc theyve been friends for basically their entire lives which is cool like, it's not my life, fucking whatever. but clearly K cannot let anything go, and she’s p rude to my mother anyway, once flippantly bringing up losing her father, like holy shit, are you like 12??? Anyway my mother sent her info about a water park for disabled kids and i guess K ranted at her as a result. i havent seen the convo yet, but ive been told k said my mother 'doesnt control her reality'??? LIKE 

 just. holy shit the original convo over facebook spiraled WAY out of control, and when i was fucking exhausted w her she didnt stop so like.through the whole conversation I kept it as respectful as I fucking could while explaining all this shit.

This is really like the “everything’s really your fault because of your bad attitude and not my doing anything wrong because on top of your bad attitude you’re wrong so clearly your argument is invalid because you’re mad so i don’t have to care bc this is disrespectful! additionally i am correct”

  literally im so tired of all the older folks in my life going thru life sufferjng cuz prides (lol) too big to swallow like ik yall have the resources to get professional help. please i strongly believe no one can go through life on their own and not every layperson you know is properly equipped to help you through shit, and really theres not a fucking point in wrecking your 50 yr old friendship and being actively delusional about it when this totally different person from the one you fought with actively wants to be friendly with you still?? like, contact has been limited by Ks terse responses, not a shortage of my mother trying with this bitch lmao. she started accusing my mother of doing all these things, like making fun of her,lying, making “snide remarks” with no fucking context.  i literally only still give a shjt about this cuz this bitch is fucking things up for someone who waSNT INVOLVED LIKE...,,THIS ISNT A WAR OF HOUSEHOLDS??CHRIST its almost like im my own person lmfao like idgaf if you fuck out of my life forever. but lol literally.. my mother is only involved bc u shat on her parenting lmfao and obv shes not perfect but not for the reasons you're naming, hen, im not a fuckface ill defend her over some bullshit like this because she literally didnt do ANYTHING

edit i have seen the convo if there’s conflict in the narrative that’s why

 K has definitely said a lot of shit that’s just. basically incorrect? and she’s trying to continue her argument w me w my mother lmao

at one point she asked if my mother believed everyone makes their own reality

(like.......................................................... really....?? every separate individual experiences life differently because ultimately the way you interpret your world shapes your experience, so, like.... what???)

she wanted to have a discussion about “what happened last june” like.... seriously, it’s not even my mother’s problem? If you genuinely don’t care about lgbt people dying then I have no reason to care for you. additionally, if you have beef with ME, fucking unfuckingblock me and tell me how ya feel bih lmf

she kept going about how grossly misled I am, how islam is bad and is why things like pulse happen (she Is One Of Those),,, fuck

(in this vein, she told me that homophobia is made up and that I made the word up and it’s not real and doesn’t mean what I thought it did and whatever)

 tbh im  going to contact the child that didn’t block me because he’s old enough to deal and never said anything to me directly and just unfriended me. the things she was saying were things that i doubt mentally well people say, and literally i only care about her to the extent of wow literally don’t fuck with my family for doing jack fucking shit, get some help and sort whatever shit you have out because it was actually you who dragged my mother into this for no other reason than to be all righteous and shit on her. she really shouldnt be dealing with this lmao. Glad you’ve been pressed about me being exhausted for a year. Please see a professional of some kind. 

Additional choice bits i remember:

accused me of going on tangents when I was responding to topics that she brought up,

some old bitch i dont know told me to take a nap over facebook

K said adults “dont lash out” in this text convo from today

previously she also acted all offended that I asked her to stop talking to me, I stopped responding, and she just did what the fuck ever. 

K also said she was upset my mother knew enough about the “situation” to form an opinion about it, like???? how much do you need to know when its pretty clear that if you acted like how you think adults should act you would have shut the fuck up earlier? like when I asked you to stop, when the conversation was already so fucked and had been going for hours because somehow I’m wrong for thinking it’s bad that you only posted this insensitive garbage when 50 people like me got fucking murdered for being in a space meant for them but hey, it’s my fault somehow LMAO 

I LIterally told this bitch to stop talking to me because there’s clearly nothing I can say to change her mind about why it’s bad that your only problem with pulse is vaguely untrue headlines, like what, you wanna fucking downplay it? fuck off. 

she was also all mad about me telling her to stop talking like in the fucking morning like muhh it’s my wall and i’ll do what i want and at night uhh i dont have time to sit on facebook all day so you’re wrong LIKE GOOD BITCH LMAO STOP TALKING TO ME THEN!!!