#im sorry if it has im extremely scatter brained sometimes

[soichirosgayson]

ok so we all know L is mega loaded right?? and that he wears the same outfit all the time??

well what if he wears like super mega expensive brands but theyre all just like the plainest clothing ever from each brand. bc hes rich and doesnt care about branding (hc: only nike L is aware of is the greek goddess). maybe watari, like he’s in charge of procuring L’s desserts, is also in charge of getting L’s clothing; L just doesnt ask or care bc he’s rich enough not to

i also made a crappy little fashionboard bc i needed my one hour of vigorous research to have some point to it:

i made sure all the clothes were baggy, but since L would most definitely get blown away in a mild breeze (source: L’s wiki page), pretty much anything would look baggy on him. he also wears a size bigger than he should to make up for his height

[twisted-lies]

hi kokichi! id appreciate a kin match up! i’m adding this after i’ve written the whole thing, and it turned out a lot longer than i’d plan. if this is too much for you let me know and i’ll shorten it as needed! thanks for running this blog, and i hope your day - evening - night is going wonderfully.

i have a light and cheerful personality. i’m also shy, so i mainly speak when spoken to. ive had the same group of friends for as long as i can remember. i can’t say we’ve gotten so close we know everything about each other anything like that, but when i’m with them it’s just a comfortable place i can relax. my position in the group would be the ‘baby’ of the group. i don’t really like being called a baby, but i can’t think of a better term for that haha. but, everyone in the group is very nice to me. i get a lot of physical affection from everyone there, and they’ll buy me pretty much anything. of course, i’ll attempt to return the favor when i can. but not having much money myself, i’ll usually make them something. i’m messy with most things, so it doesn’t turn out as good as i’d like it most the time but they still seem to appreciate it.

outside of that group, i consider myself pretty friendly. i invite girls i think would have fun with us to join our group outings, as well as people i think just need a friend. it isn’t uncommon for me to get denied though, and i’ll continue trying unless they told me to stop asking all together. besides that, i get overwhelmed in social situations easily if im not the one leading them. i can also be really emotional, i don’t handle yelling well and failure of doing anything is really overwhelming for me. i find crying in front of other embarrassing, but it’s not uncommon for me to do that.

i have pretty negative sides to me though. i can occasionally be kind of manipulative and spoiled. i love getting gifts, it makes me feel like someone really cares about me. i keep every gift i get and i kind of hoard them. but, if there’s something i’ve had my eye on for a while that’s where i can be manipulative. most people would do anything for me if i act nice to them or smile at them, sometimes people feel bad after seeing me cry. as a result they’ll usually buy me a gift out of pity, appreciation, even sometimes just to get me away from them. of course, i appreciate these gifts all the same but every time i look at them i feel guilty. this is usually when i’ll take what money i have and buy them something i know they will enjoy. while the usual reaction is feeling guilty i will admit i’ve kept some pretty expensive gifts while not doing anything in return.

as first impressions, people mostly see me as child like and emotional. the emotional part is pretty true. i cry easily, especially when i fail something or can’t meet my own expectations. the hardest things for me to deal with are goodbyes. even if it’s just someone moving a town over i get really close and attached to them the second i hear they’ll be leaving soon. every time someones left, it’s been pretty abrupt. i’ve been told it’s probably because they don’t want me to be sad, or they don’t wanna see me cry. but it just hurts more. sure i’ll cry, but at least i’ll get too legitimately say good bye. even if i barely know someone, everyone is pretty fine with being affectionate with me. some people treat me more like some cat than an actual person, which can make me uncomfortable sometimes. the most extreme case is being pulled onto the lap of someone i just met, in a diner no less. it was embarrassing, and i’m sure it looked ridiculous. while i’m very short myself, sitting on top someone whose only a few inches taller than me probably looks awkward. i put a fair amount of effort into my appearance, usually going for a ‘cute’ loook above anything else. this usually includes big hoodies with thigh highs or a cardigan and a skirt. people have told me i have delicate features, but i’m still confused if they meant it as a insult or compliment. for now my goal is to improve myself, i understand that i won’t always make the best choices and that i’m not that good of a person sometimes. so i’ll work hard to be a better friend to those i know and welcome people who may be lonely.

as for my interests, i enjoy technology. that’s vague, but what i mean is everything i do usually happens on the internet. i have my phone on me at all times, and sometimes i’ll digitally doodle and stuff like that. id like to make an app one day, maybe an app that’ll help people like me. i’m kind of a scatter brain so an app to help people stay organized would be great. i know there are many like that out there but i would like to make a unique one. i also like building PCS, they’re expensive though. i’ll make/help someone make them if they bought all the parts for it. basically, anything to do with tech i’ll love. i also play in band, percussion to be specific. i also collect things such as old knickknacks, but that’s mainly because it’s a family tradition. i also learned how to clean fragile things like that. i’m unsure on whether or not this will help you, i’m an INFP when it comes to MTBI personality types.

wehh, this ended up so long im sorry about that.

I kin assign you with...

Kokichi Ouma

Firstly I thought of Kokichi Ouma, Kokichi is usually presents himself as cheerful and happy infront of the others. He probably has the same friend group for a while basically like DICE. His appearance was made to look more like an innocent like child or in your case "baby" If he's with the right people he could probably get a lot of affection, which is something he overall just craves as well. He probably could also buy you something if you ask him, most likely not just doing it out of the blue. He tries to make friends sometimes and ends up getting denied easily though, Shuichi being an example towards the very end of the game. Though of course he didn't really stop trying until after the 4th trial I believe. He could probably get caught off guard if he isn't the one starting a conversation which could overwhelm him, but he won't show you that. He usually ends up crying when yelled at even if it's crocodile tears, he could also just over exaggerate it so you don't know if it's real or fake. He definitely has a manipulative side, using his innocent looking looks to his advantage to try and get what he wants, which he usually can end up succeeding. He can definitely be seen as child-like as well. If someone he knows is leaving he'll probably do his best to spend time with them before they do leave.

Chihiro Fujisaki

Secondly I thought of Chihiro, Chihiro is definitely a sweet and cheerful person. Though they can be pretty anxious at times. They'd probably tend to stick to people they know just so they'd have some sense of comfort. Theu definitely would be called baby by their friends and they'd probably buy them a few things. Chihiro obviously doing their best to give what they can back to them. Even if it was something after they cried. They'd probably also give Chihiro a lot of affection to make sure they know their loved. They're pretty friendly and if they build up enough courage they'll probably talk or invite someone to hang out with them. Chihiro can get overwhelmed easily and especially in social situations. They're pretty emotional too and can't really handle being yelled at and probably get upset over their failures. Chihiro doesn't exactly like crying infront of others though it's not uncommon for them. Chihiro can definitely be seen as child-like and emotional and probably can't handle goodbyes very well. Chihiro loves anything to do with technology! Whether it be coding or just straight up making something all together if they're able too.

Ibuki Mioda

Lastly I thought of Ibuki Mioda, Ibuki is definitely more of a cheerful or happy person she'll like to stick to people she knows, but will definitely branch out and try to be friends with anyone she thinks need it. She'll also be pretty persistent about it untill she's told to straight up just stop. She probably recieves a lot of affection and gives a lot in return. Whenever someone gives her something she'll do her best to return the gesture with a small gift or something she makes up on the spot. Though some of her attempts can come out pretty messy. She definitely can be seen as child-like as well due to small outbursts she may get. Ibuki will hate staying goodbye to people and will get clingy or really affectionate and probably be upset for a while once they actually leave. She probably also takes a good amount of time into her appearance due to multiple piercings and her hair. She also loves music and will do pretty much anything she can that will revolve around it. She's also probably a hoarder of things.

I hope you're satisfied with your results!

You don't have to worry about it being long, I've had multiple about this length or longer so it wasn't a problem! I hope you have a good rest of your day, evening, or night as well!

[cheryllcher]

Marinette: Guardian of the Miraculous

part 2

i have too many wips but im writing something else again :)) (woes of a writer/artist/just creators don’t @ me here)

so my brain clearly isn’t prioritising so here’s a really very long lil one shot based on this post i found by @aly4son and it’s pretty cute and fluffy. i decided to make some changes and add some stuff here as well becuz i love fluff hope it’s okayy. this took pretty long becuz i had to figure out how to put everything together ://

and as it stand it is getting way too long so im gonna have to put up a second part whoops.

—

“Hmm… Add a little of this…, a drop of water from the Dragon’s Tears Fountain… Oh, don’t forget the edible glitter…”

Marinette was adding different ingredients to her pot, swirling her wooden spoon at the same time. She was preparing for her final test before she was officially declared the new Guardian of the Miraculous. However, she needed a break from all the formulas and power-up functions. So, she decided to continue playing around with the concoction she’s been working on for weeks, hoping to complete her experiment that afternoon. She knew she could just finish it after her test, but she could feel that she’s so close, and was eager to observe the results.

Ever since she started learning the recipes of the power-up potions, she wondered what other power ups she could try making, if it were possible. She’s been trying over and over again, playing around with different kinds of ingredients. She’d even brought some items from the bakery, if only to give it a little taste and colour. (And also to test a theory of whether it can be used to make power-up potions. It did work out in the end, but only some foods.) She remembered Chat mentioning that Plagg hated those power-up cheese (said it tasted like “liquidy goo you humans take when you’re sick”) and decided to mess around with flavours.

“And… Done! Tikki? Up for another round of taste testing? I think I’ve got it this time!”

“Of course, Marinette! I’m curious though, why did you add the glitter?”

“It’s for flair, for the potion I’m brewing. If this works, you’ll see why I wanted glitter in there.” Marinette threw in a wink, and dipped a little spoon inside the pink, glittery liquid. Tikki floated towards it and took a sniff, noting the scent of champagne coming from it. I wonder if kwamis ever get drunk, didn’t think we’d try that before in all the time we spent in the miracle box.

She quicked sipped the delicious brew, and immediately felt a tingling sensation.

“It’s happening! It worked!”

In a flash of pink, Tikki transformed, her usual self now a sparkling crystal-like texture, her centre spot and tail (?) now dazzling diamonds.

“Wow… Well, what power up is this?”

“It’s called the Elegant power up, ooooooor Exquisite. Haven’t really decided on the name yet. It’s just a little fun power-up I came up with, you know, like a fancy dress transformation.”

“Cool! I’m sure Kaalki would love to try this power-up. It’s glorious.” Tikki laughed at her own little joke.

Oh, how she wished she could snap a photo of Tikki, but kwamis don’t show up on cameras. It was a great accomplishment, and she was really proud of herself. Specially created with an original outfit designed by her, a sketch of the design slowly added into the mixture while it boils. (Another absurd theory that flitted through her mind.) Never thought this crazy idea would work but here we are.

“Alright, I’m going to try transforming. Ready?”

“Ready as I’ll ever be, Marinette!”

“Elegant Tikki! Spots on!”

The familiar feeling of transforming washed over Marinette, yet it feels completely different at the same time. The swirls of pink magic disappeared to show a red cocktail dress with exquisite black sequins scattered on silk, the fabric a darker shade of red than what she usually wore. Extremely fancy indeed.

A Mandarin collar wrapped around her neck with a mini brooch which had a symbol engraved into it, a representation of her Chinese heritage and the pattern associated with the Miraculous. The top half had black polka dots, embodying her super-persona’s namesake, along with a matching mask and gloves, both of which had intricate embroidery. Her hair was pulled up into a stylish updo, braids twisted to form a crown above her head. Her red heels has little ladybugs on them, just like the one in her hair. Just how she imagined it.

“Wow, this is even better than what i would have done!” Marinette twirled around, noticing that the outfit has a litte glittery shine to it. Now she wish she would get to wear this someday; she felt like a princess! (Well, it was pretty funny because Chat would always call her civilian self that.)

In the midst of admiring her work, Master Fu walked into the room. His eyes widened at the sight in front of him, and Marinette shrieked, quickly transforming back to her usual self.

“Ah, sorry Master! I was messing around with an idea I had and I completed it just now. Don’t worry, I was practicing potions before that.”

“I’m not mad, Marinette. On the contrary, I’m actually very pleased that you have managed a feat that even my masters were unable to achieve back when I was in training with them. Perhaps I could show it to them when I return for a visit.

“In the mean time, how about you use this power-up for your Guardian officiating ceremony. It is something to celebrate after all and you deserve it.”

Marinette didn’t know what to say. She just thanked the master profusely, grateful for the opportunity to try out her new invention. She didn’t bother trying to refuse because she knows that there would still be one no matter what she says. Master Fu simply waved it off with a chuckle.

“Now, would you like to have your final test today or prefer to still wait for tomorrow? I feel that you are ready.”

—

School was still a priority, being in senior year and all. Marinette could only work on designs during her free time, and with Hawkmoth around those are scarce. Marinette would sometimes sketch out ideas besides finishing her homework, for fear if forgetting them. She absolutely hated it when an idea struck while she was busy fighting an akuma.

Good thing was, she didn’t need to worry about measurements. The miraculous will ensure that everyone’s suits and dresses would fit them to a t. So all she had to do was make sure that the designs represented each of the holders perfectly.

Tikki wholeheartedly agreed that Marinette deserved to be celebrated as the new Guardian, she hadn’t had a holder who was a Guardian since millennias ago. She was positively buzzing with exhilaration, moves animated with so much zest Marinette was afraid she might explode.

Chat was the first person she told about becoming a Guardian. He was surprised, after all he wasn’t aware of her receiving training, but that was short-lived as he immediately tackled Ladybug in a humongous bear hug for her sensational achievement. He even said, and I quote, “My, I’m honoured to be graced with the presence of the great and powerful Guardian of the Miraculous Box,” topped off with an exaggerated bow and a kiss to the knuckles.

He was also ecstatic about the prospect of a new transformation. Ladybug told him to assure Plagg that she had added a different flavour to it, and will add some cheese to his batch on top of infusing it in his beloved camembert. That night, Plagg denied purring loudly in his sleep. (“You were dreaming, Adrien. Hallucinating!”)

Three months of constant sketching and resketching, coloring in and retracing it for the potion, Marinette finally got the designs out. She asked the kwamis for their opinions on the designs, (after a mini celebration of their own, obviously.) and they gave their input. Some even made flavour requests, though they still kept the champagne in there as they loved it and it made the power-up more fancy.

Then it’s another week of measuring, mixing, and carefully infusing the correct batches into the different snacks. She almost put Wayzz’s herbal tea flavoured potion into Pollen’s honey comb, if not for Tikki and Wayzz’s interference. Oh, the look of horror on Pollen’s face would send Plagg laughing with tears.

With everything ready, it’s time to paaaaaaaaartay! (Clearly Xuppu was here :) )

—

With the help of Chat Noir, they managed to get the miraculouses to the respective holders’ rooms before they arrived home from school. She handwrote all the dissolving letters containing the information, taking care to use her cursive. Those online lessons really paid off, even Tikki couldn’t recognise that she was the one who wrote it.

Ladybug hid behind a rooftop as she watched Max open read the letter, coming to the conclusion that everyone else is doing the same. She hoped that she had made her instructions clear enough, considering how… excited some of her classmates could be.

—

Everyone was confused when they found a box in their rooms, realising soon after that it was a miraculous box. Alya and Chloe immediately opened their boxes, paying no mind to the paper that were below.

“Oh, finally! Ladybug is giving the Miraculous to me! It’s about time.”

“Trixx! Does Ladybug need me?” An extremely loud gasp, “Oh my gosh, is she here? Do I get to hold on to my miraculous?”

The kwamis questioned had to clarify that no, Ladybug was not nearby as there is no emergency, no, it was only for a few short hours, and no again, the miraculous was technically not theirs but “belonged” to the Guardian for safekeeping unless they are permanent holders. They were only temporary holders who are called upon when their help were needed.

(Ladybug and Master Fu had them make sure they got it through their heads after getting irritated when some people kept begging for it again. And also to inform those whose identities were compromised that it was their last time using theirs.)

“Please read the letter before you do anything, Alya.”

“It contains some important information that you really must know before you call upon me, my queen.”

All holders read through the letter:

“Dear [Name],

I hope this letter finds you well. I’m to be officiated as the new Guardian of the Miraculous, and it would really make my happy if you could join me tonight. Along with your miraculous, you will find a small snack for your kwamis. It is to be consumed strictly before transforming, so do not waste it as I’ve only provided a small piece.

You will transform tonight at 4am, going going to the address listed below. Don’t worry, the kwami will be able to help you with that. I know it is late but this is to ensure no reporters or your parents will see you sneak out. Hawkmoth rarely comes out at night anyway, so that’s a bonus.

Chat Noir and I are greatful for your contributions as the heroes of Paris, so we would also like this to be a celebration of thanks. Hope to see you there!

Signed, Ladybug

Address: 53 Rue de Corentin, Petit Fortune Hôtel 3rd floor”

The letters dissolved with a flame of green sparkles, kwamis reaffirming the chosens that they know the address and will help them navigate.

[rogsclogs]

Some Day One Day (Brian May x Reader); part 5

Hello there! The first half of this was already written before my laptop died on me weeks ago, so I was able to finish it pretty quickly. I hope you enjoy, can’t wait to get on with this story. Feedback is always appreciated :)

Taglist: @brighter-thanthe-sky @im-a-sheerheartattack @fruityfreddie @discodeacygotmorerhythm @ladylannisterxo @destiel-stucky4ever-loki-queen @queenismylifenow (if you want to be tagged please message me)

previous parts are found under the ‘some day one day’ tag!

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Brian spent the whole 25 minutes between the phone call and Y/N’s arrival pacing around his living room in a worn out shirt and a pair of briefs, his mac and cheese long forgotten and his mind lost in space. He’d tried to tidy the house a bit, hiding dirty clothes and his daughter’s toys under the bed and in old plastic boxes, but his nerves couldn't let him focus on one task and he ended up ignoring most of the chaos he’d made.

He didn't know why, but he truly wanted to make a good impression on Y/N and for her to like him for who he was, although he knew that wasn't the reason she was coming over. He shouldn't even have had those thoughts in the first place.

He stared at the door for a couple of minutes until the doorbell rang and he felt his heart try to break his ribcage apart. 

After taking a quick look at himself in the small mirror he had hung in the hallway and shaking his head at the image reflected back, disappointed at his appearance with bags under his eyes from the lack of sleep he’d been experiencing lately and curly hair all over the place from running his hands through it way too often, he hurried to the door to not let her wait outside too long, considering how cold it had gotten that night.

When he opened it, he was shocked to see a very distressed Y/N who somehow looked tinier than usual with her shoulders hunched and makeup stains all over the soft skin of her face. Before he could stop his actions, he reached out and gently wiped the area under her eyes with his thumbs, holding her cheeks in his palms as she leaned into his right hand seeking comfort and affection. 

“Hi Brian”

“Hi my love, did you drive here?” He asked with concern, not wanting her to get behind the wheel in such a state.

“I did. It’s fine though, I’m a pretty good driver” 

“I don’t doubt that, but you should be careful. You could have asked me to come pick you up”

She shrugged and detached her eyes from his own, not needing to be scolded from him in such an emotional state. 

Brian stepped aside and finally let her in his apartment. She took notice of everything that surrounded her, the pictures on the walls and the shelves, the shoes that were left abandoned by the closet and the different pieces of forniture, some of which strongly contrasted with each other. She noticed an old black and white picture of a very young Brian holding a guitar and smiling at the camera and took it in her hands, admiring his features which she realized hadn't changed much since his youth days.

“You play?” For some reason that detail about him surprised her, maybe she thought someone as dedicated to physics as him couldn't have many other hobbies. To be honest, the guitar looked amazing on him, like he was meant to have it on himself at all times.

“I do. That picture is older than you probably, it’s from 1969. But yes, I do play, I’m in a band with a couple of my friends”

He smiled fondly at the memory of him and his three best friends playing for small crowds when they were younger and full of life as he watched Y/N take in every detail of his house. It wasn’t very big, anything he earned from his job he spent on spoiling his daughter, but it was cozy and homey, and Y/N thought it represented him very well, with scattered papers all around and posters of planets and galaxies almost everywhere. 

“I’d love to hear you play one day” she said before something caught her attention: a very tiny pink shoe left laying on the ground, which Brian must had forgotten to put back in its place previously. 

The thought of him having children had never crossed her mind for some reason, but in that moment she realized that she shouldn't have made assumptions, after all she knew almost nothing about him. He noticed her eyes wandering and took a close look at her reaction, not knowing what to expect from her.

“You.. have kids?” The words sounded even stranger on her tongue.

“I, uhm, I have a daughter, yes. Emily. Yeah. She's not here tonight though, don't worry” he blushed profusely at the idea of Y/N knowing about Em, he didn't even exactly know why but to him it was always a struggle to open up about anything even remotely personal. 

“I never thought you’d be the kind of person to have children Brian, but that's absolutely adorable”

He swiftly took his wallet from out of his old bag that he usually brought to school and pulled out a tiny picture of a very smiley, red cheeked and wide eyed little girl, proudly showing it to Y/N.

“This is her, she's the love of my life”

Y/N examined the picture, trying to find little clues that connected her to Brian and, in fact, finding many and realizing just how similar the two were. She was fascinated by the little girl and by the idea of tall, lanky professor May being a dad. 

“She’s beautiful, Brian. She looks just like you” she said after a while, hoping that with that statement she had made it clear that she thought he was also extremely beautiful. Actually, the word beautiful couldn't even begin to express the way she saw him, but it was a start.

He smiled fondly at the girl in front of him seeing genuine interest in her eyes. 

“You might meet her one day, I’d love for you to” as he spoke those words he realized just how true they were, he realized he wanted Em to get to know Y/N and watch movies about fairies and princesses with her, and he couldn’t understand why. Emily had a mother already, granted she wasn’t the most maternal person in the world, but she tried her best just like Brian did. Sometimes he felt like she didn’t do enough though, Emily would often come back home to him from a weekend spent with her mother craving affection and physical contact, so did that mean that her mother wasn't able to provide those things for her? He wasn't sure he wanted to know.

Y/N grabbed Brian’s hand and held it close to her body without thinking twice, she knew that would bring her comfort and all she wanted was a break from the emotional pain.

“Sorry for getting here so late, you’re always so kind to me but you really didn’t have to invite me here, maybe you had better plans in mind than listen to me whine”

“Don’t even say that love, I couldn’t stand knowing you weren’t okay and not doing anything about it”

Brian lingered a bit longer than usual on the last words, wondering if it was alright for him to keep going.

“I have grown quite attached to you Y/N, I only want what’s best for you, I hope you never forget that” he decided to say.

Almost instinctively he opened his long and skinny arms, letting Y/N crash her head on his firm chest then wrapping them around her, bending his head so that his curls would caress her cheeks as she left tears stains on his shirt.

“I’m such a mess Brian, I don’t know how to go on from here, I feel lost, I mean, I wasn’t even able to pass this test and that's a clear indication that I’m never going to achieve anything in my life” she was able to shakily let out a few words in between sobs and sniffles. She didn’t know what pushed her to feel so free and able to let herself be emotional around a man that she clearly didn't know that well after all, but there was an aura around him that smelled like home and family and love, and Y/N had never had much of any of those things.

He knew she wasn't thinking straight and that she was allowing her negative thoughts and insecurities run wild and take over her brain, he’d been in that same position many times in his own life. 

“Take a deep breath baby, you’re fine and I promise you’re always going to be fine. If it takes us two more years to get you to pass that test than that’s how long we’re gonna be working for. You’re gonna achieve such great things in life and I can tell because you’re so young and yet so determined and willing to fight already, that's not something everyone has in them. You are special love, I truly want you to learn to see that. Failures teach us how to keep going, not how to quit”.

His words were wonderful and spot on, she didn't know how he always somehow knew exactly what to say in any circumstance, but in that moment she felt the need to cry her feelings out, and Brian didn't question her, he understood her even when she didn't say a word. 

“Shall we make tea? Would that make you feel better in any way? It’s not magic, but I can make it for you just like my mom used to make it for me when I was young and ill, it’s life changing I promise” he said with a gentle expression on his lightly freckled face. 

All Y/N had to do was nod and she suddenly found herself sat on the kitchen counter staring at the gentle giant in front of her who was currently fixing her tea, she didn't even have it in herself to wonder how she got there because for once she felt like that was exactly where she belonged.

Brian could feel her eyes on him the whole time and he didn't mind the attention at all.

He handed her a steaming cup and got one for himself. Silence surrounded them, but it wasn't an awkward one, it was rather calming for Y/N’s nerves and excruciating headache. She was able to recollect her thoughts and realize just how lucky she was to have his support available at any hour of any day.

“I should probably head back home soon Bri, if my parents find out I’m not in my bedroom they're going to flip on me”

“What did you tell them about the test?”

He didn't know anything about her parents apart from the few things that had slipped from her mouth every once in a while during their tutoring sessions, but the fact that their own daughter was currently at his apartment seeking help and emotional support instead of being with them told him more about the kind of people they were than any words could. 

“I just said that I tried my best and that I won’t know how I did for another couple of weeks at least, then I gave them a big fake smile and disappeared. I kept it simple”

Brian nodded understandingly then wrapped his arms around her once more, not for any specific reason, but he felt that she could have used an extra hug. He felt weird, in a way that he would never be able to explain to himself even years after these events took place. He felt his stomach twist in a nervous knot and an overwhelming urge to kiss the girl and never let go of her. He wanted to be physically and emotionally connected to her and show her that not everything in life was so terrible after all. He wanted her, night and day, all of her.

A big part of him, however, knew very well that what he wanted was morally questionable.

He couldn't just go and kiss her without at least talking to her about it first, what if that's not what she wanted? She could have gotten him fired if she’d spread the word to anyone in school. Was it worth risking his whole career over this one girl? (Yes, yes it was).

Maybe if she hadn’t been his student and years younger than him things would have been different, but anyhow he was able to keep those urges under control by holding her tighter against his body, allowing himself to pretend for a second things could actually be different. 

He couldn't believe his own conscience, but his feelings were stronger than anything he’d ever experienced and later on, when Y/N left his house despite his concerns about her safety and his offer to let her sleep over for the night, he found himself wishing he didn't have so much self control. 

[323398149]

Ayesha called me stupid again. She said stop being stupid, why are you so stupid

Then my brother came upstairs and they called each other stupid

Then ayesha said she's never going to speak to me again and has lost all respect for me

Then my parents came upstairs and said that I was ungrateful

So yeah and Joe's gone so I just have to sit here and somehow survive tmr on my own. And then survive the next few years or however long until I can leave. I need to leave as soon as possible.

But I'm apparently crazy so where do I go? I need to be kept away from people because people don't like me. But then I get sad but I guess idk like what other option is there? I obvs can't kms so idk what the plan is. Where do I go? What do i do? How do i stop everybody from being upset with me? Do I speak or not speak? When do I speak if I do? What do I say? I have no idea. I always do it wrong. I'm so stupid. Lol I guess she's right, I am stupid. Last time she called me a dumb retarded bitch because I forgot about a task I was supposed to do. Today she called me stupid because I couldn't read and listen at the same time. Those are things I've struggled with my whole life. And I used to hate myself for them. Then I learned to stop being so angry with myself and just accept them as my shortcomings, and embrace them as part of life. But when capstone failed it just made me so upset. Because they're major deficiencies. Im not competent. Maybe my dad was right. I never should have bothered with university. Maybe college was where I belonged. I should kms lollllll like gah nobody likes me in the entire world. I'm an arrogant shit. I'm literally a nuisance once people take a closer look. They like me at first but starting with uber, they've all ended up hating my guts. Like so deeply disliking me. I try to keep my mouth shut and say and do and be the right thing but it's not good enough. I feel like they perceive me as rude and inconsiderate and generally awful. I just don't understand if I'm dumb or not. Sometimes I feel everybody stuck and it drives me to push through and figure the thing out but at other times everybody is doing something supposedly simple and easy but I just can't grasp it. I'm idkm idk what's wrong with me. So yeah I guess my point would be that I had convinced myself that it was okay to have these deficiencies and still love myself but now I'm going back on that and having to relearn hating myself for this stuff because idk because the embracing it stuff is not fixing anything externally. Like I felt better on the inside a little while but now the outside environment is coming in and I'm getting hit with it anyways. So it was a temporary solution that gave relief for 2-3 years but I've gotta figure out a proper solution now. Uber said he had never met someone so confused and scattered or something like that. The meds help with the scattered part but I guess not enough. Like it helps enough to make me feel better but i guess that's not good enough for the people around me. They still don't like it. So idk what the plan is. I just wish i could disappear and not exist but that's not an option so I'm going to read that dale Carnegie book again. I wish i could just be better. I wish my brain could be fixed. I'm sorry for existing and taking up so much space and energy. I wish I could go away and take my shitty away from people but idek how to do that or where to go. I don't know anything i guess. I am stupid and incompetent and useless and miserable and ugly too apparently lol and obviously extremely awkward and weird and apparently I make people feel uncomfortable. Gah why can't someone just get rid of me.

I think I figured if out okay so what if the solution to becoming smarter is to read? And that also gives me a place to go that isn't here. I mean that used to work when I was little, right? Idk what else. I would need a job to move out. Even then where would I go? I'm stupid and incompetent and useless.

See also a big reflection is that I'm no longer looking and waiting for the person who is not gonna be upset with the scattered. I used to think eventually I'd meet someone that loved me and didn't feel upset with my brain. But after this semester I don't really think they exist. It was make believe. That was like a unicorn. Someone like that isn't actually out there. They're not real. It was my imagination. So if I am gonna try and blend in and do life like everybody else and get a job and get married and have kids and all the stuff I need to learn to act and disguise the confusion. I need to sort through it as quickly as possible. I need to have game plans and tactics and systems to figure out what to say and how to behave more efficiently. I gotta figure it out cause otherwise idek idek what happens if I don't figure it out. Maybe someone will just get so annoyed with me that they'd just hurt me, i wouldn't be surprised if i just accidentally pissed someone off that bad. Because i accidentally do it for little things all the time. How do i just listen? And respond? Gaaaaaaaah so annoying I h8 myself

[eeveelutionsforequality]

Hey vape, i dunno if you have clinical anxiety specifically, but what do you do when you're feeling really anxious and it's out of control? I just had a pretty bad panic attack that lasted a few hours and I really thought I was gonna die because I felt like I couldn't breathe. My sister was around so I had an anchor this time, but what do i do when im alone? Sorry for dumping my problems on you, but you're the only person I know that would really understand my problem. Have a nice day :)

Don't feel like you have to apologize for asking for advice! You're not dumping your problems on me at all! I wouldn't say that I was okay with answering people's questions in regards to this sort of thing if I felt at all like I couldn't listen to people's problems!

I have phobias, OCD, generalized anxiety disorder, and a few other conditions that have it as a symptom, and how (or even if) I deal with it sort of depends on which is causing it and what sort of anxiety it is and why I'm anxious and what the circumstances are and all sorts of things.

Firstly though, have you been checked for asthma? I know that my anxiety is one of the worst triggers for my asthma, and a panic attack leading to an asthma attack creates this cycle of panic and breathlessness that really isn't good. I'd recommend just making sure of that, if you can.

If you're having a panic attack that affects your breathing, try to remove yourself from any sources of panic (for example, if it's an annoying but not dangerous or warning noise, like a ticking clock, cover your ears or go to another room) and just focus on getting your breathing in order.

At 8:05 in this video, the Anxiety character runs over a breathing exercise with Thomas that you can repeat to get your breathing in order: https://youtu.be/wr17Kq5bmtI

Also, I do recommend that entire series: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLYA7DZ_sbUzvB1l6KsO5LZV2rrk2u1xl4

While viewing parts of yourself as different, separate entities isn't necessarily good for you if taken to the extreme (in fact that can be detrimental), viewing a side of yourself as something with a more complex array of causal factors and a need for your care and compassion is actually really really helpful, and Thomas handles explaining things really tactfully (there's also quite a bit of advice scattered amidst various episodes about dealing with anxiety).

I saw a post on here about viewing your anxiety as something that's afraid and needs your love and calming, and I do try to view it somewhat like that - like, I try not to think of it as a corruption in my brain that's attacking me, but more like a part of me that's scared and that I need to care for and work to understand.

Because of my agoraphobia, being outside is really hard on my anxiety - everything in my head just becomes a fuzzy mush as soon as I step out of my front door, it's like a half-dissociated state where I feel like I'm mostly on auto-pilot because I'm too confused and stressed to really concentrate on anything that I'm doing, and sometimes I'll do really stupid things (like pick up entirely the wrong shopping) because I'm too inside my panicked thoughts to actually pay attention to what my body is doing. Other times I can get so panicked that I collapse when I'm outside.

If I'm at home alone and I get super anxious, irritable, or angry (or some combination therein) - I'll often put on really loud and really angry music, and work through the emotions in a daydream instead. Marilyn Manson has been my choice of artist over the last few days, but it varies... Combichrist, Angelspit, Aesthetic Perfection, Rammstein, Otep, Metallica, Mindless Self Indulgence, that sort of thing. I used to shut myself in this really small cupboard, but I've taken to just hiding under a duvet lately because that's way more comfortable and easier on the joints. Then I'll usually daydream about a scenario in which I can just violently beat on something to the music (zombie apocalypse, superhero battle, that sort of thing).

There's more kinds of anxiousness and more weird personal coping mechanisms that I have, but I don't particularly know how helpful those would be to talk about here, to be honest. Some of them (like the intensity of the daydreams because of MaDD, or the fact that I have DID so sometimes stress will trigger a switch) aren't so much implementable coping mechanisms as they are my brain just glitching itself into somehow working with its abysmal circuitry. Others of them (like if I'm trying to deal with the anxiousness from psychosis or intrusive thoughts) aren't always the healthiest or safest coping mechanisms.

I think if you're alone and having a panic attack, the first thing to do is to get away from any physical sources of anxiety and focus on getting your breathing back to normal. You won't die - try not to add those concerns to the already too large pile of worries.

Then, once your breathing is more steady and you can keep that up, try some grounding techniques - hugging a pet or a teddy bear, stroking the fur/material, repeating some positive affirmations ("It's going to be okay, I'm okay, I'm safe" sorts of things), and keeping your breathing steady. Counting something like beads on a bracelet can be really helpful.

If there's something that you have to deal with immediately, then get that over with as quickly as possible (for example, if there's a spider that's caused the panic attack, kill it, remove it, or cover it with a bowl/cup as quickly as you can). Then repeat any calming techniques as necessary.

If you like maths or a TV show or something, then there might be something else that you could say/do to distract and calm your mind - I sometimes do maths equations in my head if I feel an oncoming panic attack (for example, 1+1 is 2, 2+2 is 4, 4+4 is 8, 8+8 is 16, 16+16 is 32, and on and on in that pattern, because it's a progression that gets more difficult as it goes along so it eases me into being distracted), but some people might sing a song from their favourite video game, or repeat a particularly long quote that a favourite character says, or something like that.

After that, distractions can be good for a little while - watching a half an hour TV show, listening to music, playing a video game, or something that requires just enough concentration to keep you gripped but not enough to be a strain - don't rush yourself into trying to think and plan, just relax but don't give yourself space to overthink. I've also found that cleaning my teeth is good for that - I clench my jaw a lot when I'm panicking, so cleaning my teeth for a few minutes really helps with the pain that causes.

There's also learning mindfulness techniques - but that's a process, it's not something that you can necessarily just implement tomorrow. It's definitely worth researching and worth considering as a more long-term solution. Being able to neutrally observe emotions and situations, to listen to the worries in your mind non-judgmentally, and so on, can be really good for maintaining a calm state and for actually tackling some of the causes of the panic.

Similarly, talking to a professional is an important long-term solution.

A warm drink also really helps me after the panic has died down - preferably something without caffeine and with marshmallows.

I know some people who've decorated little shoeboxes with wrapping paper and filled them with calming and comforting objects - textures that help with grounding, fond memories in photograph form, cute toys or teddies, positive quotes, or whatever helps them feel good. When they're anxious, they go to the shoebox and look through it for a little while until they feel better.

Honestly though, there are times when it just kind of feels like I have to remind myself that the panic won't last forever, and wait it out, and then work on getting myself back together after it's over - if I keep trying to fight it and worrying about it, then that only adds more strain. The music really helps with that, with just kind of accepting that I'm feeling things and that I'm going to feel them for a bit, but then they're going to go away and I can get up and have a warm drink and watch some mindless TV and start to feel like myself again.

I know that some people are helped by phoning a loved one and talking it through with them - but since phone calls themselves can be a source of anxiety (they are for me, given all of my issues with my voice and speaking at all), I don't know how effective that would be for you.

I hope that there was something in there that helped! I've been awake for about twenty-two hours now, and I've barely had any sleep for the last few nights, so I'm sorry if exhaustion means that I'm not at my best lately.

~ Vape