#im so tired ive been writing this post somehow for half an hour

[elfboypussy]

it’s all coming back to me

details ->

[rosenongrata]

solitary solidarity – iv

Summary: A selection of writings that explore the early days of the odd relationship between Doctor Veritas Ratio and Missus Kagome Ikeda.

A/N: so i actually finished this last night, but just posting it now cuz i may have promptly fallen asleep once i was done lol

c.w/s: varies on what part, but i'll make sure to mark each addition with the proper tags in the a/n. OC-insert. c.ws for chapter: im actually not sure how to put this, but implications to abuse ig?? nothing is explicitly mentioned but it's possible to tell shits wrong between Kagome and her husband (also he calls her a whore once). soft Ratio hours (again). Kagome dissociates pretty hard for half of the chapter

w.c: ~1.4k

The two esteemed scholars had been chatting during lunch today – while Dr. Ratio prefers eating by himself in the sweet, sweet privacy of his office; he chose to accommodate Kagome’s wishes to be in the cafeteria instead for today. He knows well that she’s not the most sociable, so her eagerness to be in the populated cafeteria instead of her office strikes him as odd.

At least, that’s what he was thinking prior to a man with a head of black hair and a pair of tired brown eyes showing up – he even has a disgustingly sweet smile plastered on his face while he stands behind her. When the man brushes his fingers along Kagome’s shoulder, she nearly snaps her lacquered wood chopsticks in half.

“Hey, dear,” He says lightly, “I decided to visit you at your office today! It sure is nice here.” He grasps her shoulder tenderly, but that’s what makes Kagome’s skin crawl.

“Good afternoon, Shoto,” Kagome quickly composes herself, the life and color draining from her expression and eyes – Dr. Ratio didn’t expect to see her eyes to somehow grow even more lifeless.

“Ah, so this is…” The doctor’s eyes flick up and down Shoto’s figure, “…your husband.” Dr. Ratio says, his arms firmly crossed – looking unamused as he always does.

Shoto’s smile cracks a little from irritation, but is swiftly repaired within moments.

“This must be your…friend, right?” Shoto asks his lovely wife.

“…Yes, I’m her friend.” Dr. Ratio answers for her – he can see her inattention to her surroundings written all over her features. It’s a half-lie, but he deems it necessary for his plan to get her husband out of here – away from her. The other day with her – when she had punched him in the face – was all he needed to know about this man.

“Anyway,” Shoto turns his attention back onto Kagome, and the doctor swears he can see her curl a little bit away from her husband, “I got you a gift, dear! I’m sure you’ll love it. Here,” He pulls out a thin rectangular black box before opening it, revealing a pair of black gloves, “New gloves!”

“Oh, uhm… Th-thank you, Shoto…” She shakily sets her chopsticks down, staring down at the brand-new gloves before her.

(…He’s love-bombing her. Why am I not surprised…) Dr. Ratio ponders, eyes narrowing at the shorter man.

“C’mon, put them on. They’re very soft!” Shoto pressures.

“But… Shoto, you know that—” Kagome grimaces slightly, refusing to meet her partner’s eyes that grow with impatient anger.

People in the cafeteria begin watching more intently – gossiping amongst themselves. Not even so-called geniuses are immune to the flavorful taste of brewing drama. And then Shoto grabs her wrist, ready to pluck off her old gloves – the ones that have been patched over and over again, sewn back together numerous times over the years.

“Here, I’ll help you!” He chirps, his voice so fake it’s painful – to the doctor, at least.

Dr. Ratio rolls his dichromatic eyes before standing up abruptly – Kagome fully expects him to leave, she wouldn’t blame him for it, either. But, instead, the scholar grabs the other man’s wrist with a near death grip – leaving a burn ache in Shoto.

“You need to leave.” He mutters to the smaller man, glaring down at him, “You’ve wasted enough of everyone’s time.” If there’s one thing Dr. Ratio is – without a doubt – it’s fearless. “Especially Kagome’s.” He grumbles.

“What’s it to you?” Shoto bites back with a nasty grin, but the stronger man can feel him tremble with fear in his grasp.

“To be frank, it’s none of your business – nor is it any of your business to be pestering Kagome, me, and the rest of the Guild.”

“Very funny. Anyway,” Shoto pushes the doctor off with some ease, but only because Dr. Ratio allowed him to – he’s waiting for the husband to make another mistake, “We’re going, Kagome. We have business to attend to…away from these lovely people.” He throws a glaring glance at the opposing man before grabbing Kagome’s arm and roughly tugging her up to her feet.

“…That’s your last mistake, Shoto.” Dr. Ratio huffs, “I can either call security or…you can leave Kagome behind – here in the Guild.”

Weighing his options, Shoto scoffs at him and releases his wife’s now tender arm, “Fine, then. I’ll leave…” His voice lowers to a dark whisper, “She’s a good for nothing whore, anyway.” He glares into her unfocused eyes, “Look at her… She can’t even make a peep – tsk.” He rolls his eyes before departing.

Dr. Ratio says nothing to him, instead wrapping one arm around Kagome’s drooping shoulders as a way of keeping her upright. When he glances at the remaining people in the cafeteria, he notices they’re still talking with each other about Aeons knows what – most likely that little scene, he wagers.

“…Can you hear me, Kagome?” He whispers to her, and she fails to respond – her expression completely despondent and her eyes absent of awareness. “I will take that as a no.” He sighs.

He quickly cleans up her lunch materials, putting her bento box back together before leading her out of the cafeteria – anywhere that’s quiet and isolated will have to do. And he knows the perfect place – his office in the medical quarters.

They walk there, and each time she stumbles on her weakened legs, he catches her without too much thought about it. He assists her the whole way there – regardless of how slow she walks and no matter how many times she stumbles. And if he ends up having to carry her, he’ll do that, too.

Arriving in his office, Dr. Ratio helps Kagome settle down on the sofa in the quaint room before taking a seat at his desk. He swivels his chair in her direction – folding one leg over the other and resting his hands on his raised knee, they intertwine to form an overall scrutinizing posture.

Her eyes flutter shut, covering her lifeless stare that had been glued to the wall moments ago. It takes many minutes of pure silence – including the doctor removing his gaze from her, instead staring at the floor – before she can form words, let alone a single sound.

“Mmh…” She groans, pressing two fingers to her now-aching forehead – he can immediately tell it’s a tension headache that shoots through her skull.

Yet his offer for medication goes unheard for several moments as she rubs her head. When her mind finally processes that someone was speaking to her moments ago, her eyes shoot open and she finally spots him on the other side of the room.

“Did…did you say something?” She inquires; voice broken and weak.

His gaze is firmly on her figure, but not as firm as it often is – it’s softened, keeping his grumpiness low to avoid scaring her and worsening her condition.

“I asked if you would like some medication – for your tension headache, to be precise.” He replies.

“Uhm…” She sways a little in her seat, eyes losing focus again while her hand falls to her lap.

He sighs softly, turning away in his chair and grabbing a small bottle of headache relief medication from a drawer in his desk. He twists open the cap, taking a single pill out, and striding over to her after grabbing a cup of cool water from the water dispenser.

“You should take it,” He hands her the pill by taking her hand and placing it on her open palm, “At the very least, it will ease the inflammation.”

She gives him a small nod before taking the pill with water as instructed. He then rests the little white cup on the coffee table nearby. When he turns to return to his desk, he feels a weak tug at the tail of his clothes.

“Do you need something else?” He inquires as softly as he can as he turns back toward her – he’s well-aware that he sounds far too strict for his own good right now.

“Stay…” She breathes, the words coming from her held together by a thinning thread.

“I was not going to leave you alone. You are in no shape for isolation.” He reassures and takes a seat next to her once she releases his clothes.

“Thank you…” She whispers, her eyes falling shut again.

And without warning, she falls against his broad shoulder – her head resting there limply. He visibly stiffens – back straightening like a board and arms flexing into knots. When he hears sudden soft snores coming from her, he sighs in relief – his body deflating. He stays still for now, eyes scanning her peaceful features before glancing to the floor.

(…That’s that for now, then.) He sighs mentally, (But I know that this is only one facet of her – too much deeply troubles her. She’s not bored and emotionless by nature – no one is.)

[deafeninggardenerpanda]

apparently ive somehow gotten roped into being a main actor in this whole thing so ill write something short right now. its not a full statement because im tired and need to sleep, just putting this half out here before someone yells at me for something before i wake up since i sleep like 12 hours. ill write a full statement tomorrow probably

this is a developing situation, the callout post was barely even made 6 hours ago at this point. as void said, i was sent an anon saying i was mentioned in this callout post, so i went to go check it out. first of all i vagued about it so people would block the "negative" tag i have, which i use for drama, beforehand, because i wanted to eventually boost the post. key-word being Eventually here. i knew the whole minors having their discord ids out wasnt a great thing to boost, so that's why i didn't do it immediately. i went to go message the person who made the doc first about it.

i do admit that calling opal a groomer (especially without boosting that post) and linking it to people in dms while minors names were still on it was irresponsible, so im sorry for that. but i think its a stretch to say that the person who made the doc is a malicious actor.

while i dont know the extent of what the general fandom thinks of opals behavior, opal has a history of being irresponsible with content. this doc coming to light right after the drama regarding the magowhore saga struck me as a big red flag towards opal as a whole, but i get that these screenshot were mostly taken before she apologized for that. though she avoided responsibility in ways i wont cover this second while getting called out initially during the magowhore saga, i dont know her true current feelings on that whole thing so im like, waving my hand on this point. mostly, i wanted to boost the post because i wanted her+others to be more conscious and responsible about everything (since again, somewhat of a reoccurring issue), as well as to once again, tell minors that this kind of behavior is unacceptable and they should be wary about interacting with it and with people who do this, if at all. i was under the impression that the person who wrote the doc meant the same. but yeah, i dont know their feelings either and i shouldve been more careful with spreading that if i didnt know

ive been talking with some people involved in this (someone in the callout doc) as well during this time, another reason why i didnt boost it immediately. and hmmm their arguments were wildly unpromising and red-flag raising and they didn't take responsibility for anything, so again, i dont think this doc was made with malicious intent, even with putting a bit of a blame blanket on people. maybe irresponsible, but not malicious. thats all i have to say for now i guess until more developments pop up in the morning

New post. Sorry I'm still going on about this. Heres the drama everyone's been vagueing about.

TLDR: Opal is still talked about NSFW stuff with minors present, but whoever the fuck Mtthrw is needs to come out. The original doc was taken down by Google.

Opal Owl Flight, in a server made by Blue Jester, started a "magolor cult" which devolved into talking about and posting NSFW stuff about Magolor. In this chat Minors could freely access it as well as interact with it. Opal also interacted with some of them, and encouraged a minor who was drawing (what is implied to be in the google doc) NSFW art of Magolor. Honestly while some of the worst stuff in this doc isn't set in stone, theres a lot of shit that just shouldn't have happened. Basically ERPing with someone else in a public chat and talking about kinks in front of children is beyond irresponsible. Opal also answered suggestive asks on their blog from minors without properly checking their ages. When they made their new blog it was easy to find and not password protected/hidden from searches in any way, which credit to Opal was fixed. Blue Jester did try to reign stuff in their server in at first, but eventually just decided to let it keep happening and engage with it mildly. From what I've seen, neither are denying that what happened in the discord server is true. I still do have access to screenshots, but I wont be sharing them unless someone needs them. And if I do names will be scrubbed.

Opal hasn't taken public responsibility yet for their actions. I don't think Opal was intentionally trying to groom people, but talking about and sharing NSFW content with minors present isn't ok. Blue Jester hasn't taken responsibility for not stopping this behavior in their server. As the owner of it they're somewhat responsible for what goes on, and protecting the users of it.

We know all of this because Mtthrw made a big 242 page long google doc calling all of this out. Posting screenshots without the name of any minor censored or anything. This document got sent to Deafeninggardner through, apparently, just an anon, and they started to spread this around. Currently, it is taken down, by Google. Likely through a request made by someone.

I know this is the case as I deleted a doc of mine, and this message didn't show up. Honestly good on whoever reported this and got it taken down so fast.

In this doc the author makes comments like "^ i have the feeling that in some of these screenshots there were people deleting their messages after saying reprehensible things". Every screenshot was also taken- at the earliest- one week in advance. The Mtthrw blog itself has only had activity since this Tuesday, so this was a long time coming. Some stuff in this document was taken out of context. No channel names are posted, it's not clarified if images are spoiled. Nothing. They also threw a wide net of guilt over people barely involved or unknowledgeable on the situation, which is complete bullshit.

If everyone I've spoken to is being honest, they're all incredibly irresponsible for spreading this doc around in Dms to people. Whoever is behind this is either a malicious actor or didn't think about their actions in the slightest and how it would affect people who are victims. I'm personally at fault for jumping the gun. I'm disappointed in everyone who stirred the pot but didn't spill. Especially since those who stirred the pot had loud voices in this community but stayed silent.

If anyone needs any info or has anything to share, message me on tumblr. I'll be up in the morning.

[machine-gun-casie]

tavern music

synopsis: corpse hears tavern music coming from your room (gn!reader)

warnings: rpf, reader gets cheated on, kind of unrequited feelings, mostly hurt/comfort and physical affection tho (what im trying to say is that this is mostly self indulgent)

wc: 1.7k

a/n: havent written in a while but i found this in my arsenal, fixed it up a bit and viola. original plans for this was definitely something longer that would end with them being together but im not up for writing rn. been feeling really shitty lately and ive been needing something like this in my life. hope u guys like it ♡

He couldn’t hear it at first. His headset was on and everyone was being so loud on the discord call. When he started the stream, he really thought it was gonna be a long one. But he’s only two hours in and he’s ready to get the hell off because something was definitely wrong.

“Corpse?” His name being spoken finally broke him out of his trance, he only hummed in response. “You’ve been really quiet. Are you sure you’re up for another game?”

“Actually,” he starts as he closes a few tabs, “I think I’ve gotta go. Today was fun, though. Thanks for having me guys.”

After a chorus of ‘goodbye’s and ‘see you later’s, Corpse disconnected from the discord call. “Thank you guys for being here,” he addressed the chat, “sorry I’m ending so early today. I promise I’ll make it up to you next time. Take care of yourselves. Later.”

After hanging up his headset and getting out of the chair he’s been sitting in for far too long, Corpse made the short trek to your room. 

You had only been roommates for less than four months, but Corpse could confidently say that you have become one of his closest friends. Getting a roommate was the last resort that he never wanted to actually resort to. But alas, medical bills were piling up and youtube and music don’t make half as much money as people think they do. So cutting rent in half was the best plan he could come up with. He did have an extra guest room that no one ever stayed in. Of course having someone move into his personal space was terrifying to him. He didn’t just want to post an ad on craigslist or something. So he asked a couple trusted friends to ask a couple trusted friends… And that’s when you came in.

You were the trusted friend of a trusted friend of a trusted friend. When you met, you didn’t make a comment about his voice. Your face sure as hell showed your surprise but you didn’t say anything. To Corpse, this meant one of two things. You either knew who he was but didn’t want to freak him out, or you didn’t know about his online persona and were just genuinely shocked by his voice. It only took a few minutes of knowing you to know that it was the latter. Thank god. You were like anyone your age with social media. You had a few accounts, followed a few people, but mostly used it to stay in contact with friends. 

It only took you guys a week to realize you had way too much in common. After many a late night when he wasn’t streaming, and many an early morning when he was just done streaming, you two became inseparable. Nothing could keep you apart.

Except for one thing.

You had a boyfriend.

There was nothing wrong with your boyfriend, per se. Just the fact that he was your boyfriend and Corpse was not. 

Yeah, Corpse definitely had feelings for you. 

But right now, feelings didn’t matter when he could hear tavern music coming from your room.

He knocked lightly and pushed the door open slowly. “y/n? Can I come in?”

No response came, just sniffles and sobs. The lack of refusal on your part gave him the courage he needed to open the door wider and step into your room. He had only been in your room a couple of times since you had moved in. But he had never been in a room that gave off the feeling of a person so well.

You were curled up on your bed, facing your open laptop screen and the tavern music coming from its speakers. With every sob shaking your chest, Corpse felt his heart break. “y/n,” he murmured softly, “what’s wrong?”

“It’s not working.” Came your reply, heavy with tears. “You said it would make you feel like you're going on an adventure but I still feel like crap.”

“What happened?” Corpse asked as he sat down on your bed, facing you. You slowly sat up and crossed your legs at your ankles in front of you.

“He-” You sighed heavily. “He cheated on me.”

“What?”

“He cheated on me -has been cheating on me- with my best friend. My little brother found out.” You groaned and dramatically dropped your head onto Corpse’s thigh. His hand immediately came in contact with your cheek as he brushed a few stray tears away.

There was rarely any physical contact between you and Corpse. Sometimes you’d give him a high five, sometimes he’d give you fist bump. And there was that one time you came up behind him at the grocery store and hugged his arm to your chest. You immediately whispered something along the lines of ‘creep won’t leave me alone’ followed by a loud ‘hey babe!’

Corpse could barely admit to himself how much he liked that.

But this? This felt good. Corpse’s large warm hand on your face somehow made you want to cry more but in a good way. The tenderness with which he held your face made your heart squeeze as it remembered moments like this with your boyf- ex boyfriend. But then it remembered your brother’s words.

“Hey, what’s up?” You spoke as you answered his call. Your brother wasn’t much of a caller, so it made you worry. 

“Hey, where are you right now?”

“I’m home, why?”

“y/n… There’s something I gotta tell you.” He sighed and you could clearly hear the guilt.

“Did you break my DS!” It was your first thought as you had given it to him the last time you had seen him. “Dude! I’ve had that since I was seven!”

“No no, I called about something else.” He cut you off mid-whine. “But also I did lose the pen.” You huffed out a sigh of frustration but stayed silent so he could tell you what he wanted to tell you. “I saw your boyfriend at the park today.”

You furrowed your eyebrows. “And?” How did this warrant a phone call? 

“He was with Bob.” 

When you had met your best friend, your brother was only a toddler. He had decided that her name was Bob, so it stuck. You always called her Bob, she was saved as Bob in your phone, your whole family called her Bob. But you still didn't understand. Why was he calling you to tell you that your boyfriend and your best friend were at the park? 

“Why are you calling me about this? You know that they’re friends, right?” You let out a chuckle, albeit still pretty confused. “They’re allowed to hang out without me.” 

“They weren’t hanging out.” You could hear your brother push out a strained sigh. What wasn’t he telling you? “They were making out on the swing set. As in, both of them on one swing. And I double checked, it was definitely them. I-I told mom and she said not to tell you, but I couldn’t not tell you when I’m the one who saw it!”

You couldn’t bring yourself to say a word.

“I’m sorry, y/n.”

There was no lying to yourself, you had doubts about your best friend and your boyfriend. But you constantly brushed it off. He wouldn’t hurt you like that. Hell, she couldn’t hurt like that. Not after everything you had been through together. 

But you had seen his call log by accident one time, he called her more than he did you. She face-timed him one time to ask his opinion about a dress she was going to buy while you were in the changing room. She had done a handful of things since your relationship with your boyfriend started that made you uneasy. If this was their first kiss, which was something you doubted, then they’ve both been emotionally attached to the other for far too long.

All those tender intimate moments, all those dates, throughout everything, he wasn’t faithful. Not emotionally, at least. None of those moments that you cherished meant anything to you anymore. He had played you. With none other than your best friend since middle school. You didn’t know who to be more mad at.

The thoughts of betrayal from someone who you considered a sister and the hurt of being cheated on made you nauseated.

So when the large warm hand on your face stroked your cheek again, you didn’t mind it. This was Corpse. Not your cheating boyfriend. Not your lying best friend. Corpse. And you knew that he would never hurt you.

“He’s been cheating on me for a while I think.” You mumbled against his sweatpants. “Maybe a couple months. I don’t know.” 

Corpse furrowed his brows in thought. You had told him you were going to visit your boyfriend for your one year anniversary next week. “Weren’t you go-”

“Yeah.”

“And Bob’s been your friend since-”

“Yeah.” Your chin wobbled as you answered. You brought your arms up around Corpse’s thigh and hugged it. It was a strange position, but you didn’t care. He was so warm and nice and hugging him properly required more movement on your end than you were willing to do.

“Oh, sweetheart.” Corpse sighed and reached out to untangle your arms from his leg. He gently pulled you across the few inches of bed between you and sat you in his lap. You wrapped your arms around his neck and your legs around his waist, immediately sobbing into his shoulder. “Do you want me to turn off the music?” You shook your head no against him and he chuckled before he solemnly sighed. “When did you find out?” 

“When I came home.”

“But you came home hours ago. Have you been in here this whole time?” You nodded. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“You were streaming, didn’t wanna interrupt.” You shrugged.

“y/n,” he sighed disappointedly, “you’re my best friend. I can end a stream if you need me.”

“Okay.” Your voice, broken and weak and tired, made him feel so guilty. You had been crying your heart out for over two hours just down the hall from where he was.

He gently grabbed you by your hips and tried to push you away, but you only held on tighter and whimpered. “I just wanna get you some water.”

“I don’t want water.”

“Then what do you want?”

“You.” You whispered. “Please stay.” 

Fuck. How could he say no to that?

So he stayed.

[simpsiren]

about the roommate

park seonghwa x reader

main masterlist

description. you talk about your weird relationship with the roommate you’ve been with for so long yet still dont know much about

genre. roommates au, fluff, seonghwa hinting at reader that they like them

warnings. nonee

a/n. hihii so i wanted to try writing for ateez since ive been doing a lot of nct ff already. its my first time so i doubt that it’ll be accurate but i got the idea from this post by @darling-akaashi so i hope it will be decent. i never thought that it would be this long but oh well HAHA enjoyy :D

how did you even become roommates with someone like him? you dont even know. all you knew was that you were finding someone to share the apartment rent with and it just so happens that your friend at college, wooyoung, has a friend who was looking for an apartment.

and now here you are. a year and a half of sharing an apartment with seonghwa yet the two of you are in your separate rooms. the only interaction you ever made today was at breakfast where seonghwa cooked for you scrambled eggs and toasted bread.

there’s wasn’t much you knew about him at first. but as you slowly but surely try to accomplish your mission of getting to know seonghwa (since you didn’t like being awkward with people all the time), you start to learn a thing or two about him.

you were glad that after a year and a half of staying with him, you got to know more about him, despite the fact that the interaction between the two of you still needed some work.

[ONE] : he’s a clean freak.

you were feeling tired from a long day of school and all you thought of doing while walking home was to sit on the couch and resume your anime marathon.

you unlock your door to find seonghwa mopping the floor. you nod your head slowly as you close the door and take off your shoes before taking any step further.

“didnt you mop the floor yesterday?” you ask, placing your keys on the kitchen counter along with your bag on the chair of the dining table.

“yeah.” was all you heard from seonghwa as you pour yourself a glass of grape juice. “you dont have to mop again-“

“its a habit.” seonghwa replies simply. with your cup in hand, you make your way to the living room, where seonghwa is currently mopping. you take a seat on the couch and grab the controller to turn on the tv. “hey wanna watch attack on titans with me?” seonghwa was mopping the floor in between the couch you’re sitting on and the coffee table and stops in front of you, raising an eyebrow.

“i dont watch anime?” you furrow your eyebrows and frown. “come on its fun! stop your cleaning and at least watch one episode.” you grab seonghwa’s arm and pull him down to sit next to you, making him flinch a little and quickly placing the mop beside the couch.

“how am i suppose to watch when i dont know what happened before?” you roll your eyes.

“if you find this episode good then you can watch it from the start in your free time.”

seonghwa sighs and and stands up, walking away to keep the mop before taking a seat beside you again and getting comfortable. “this better be worth it. im suppose to clean the toilet right now.”

“that can wait.” you nudge your arm into his chest, making him let out another long sigh before watching the show silently.

[ONE.2]

it was a saturday morning as you went to sleep at 4am. hence, making you wake up at 11am in the morning. however, you have always been laying around in your bed for about an hour or so before getting out of your room. when the clock striked 12, you thought that it would be a good idea to get out of your room and have lunch. gathering up all your energy, you brought yourself out of bed and lazily walk out of your room.

as you walked down the hallway, the first thing you saw was seonghwa cleaning the counter top of the kitchen. you clicked your tongue and walked over to where seonghwa was.

���did you make lunch yet?”

seonghwa looks up at you and shakes his head. “its a saturday so im spring cleaning the house.” you rolled your eyes and shake your head.

“you do that every single day!” you whine. seonghwa raises his eyebrow. “i like to keep the house neat unlike you.” you let out a soft ‘tsk’.

you have to admit, you were not a clean person at all. the only reason why the apartment is clean is because of seonghwa’s habit of being well organised and meticulous. basically everything in the apartment but your room is squeaky clean. although you see seonghwa staring at your room and looked like he’s holding back the strong urge to clean it for you, he doesn’t really do anything about the fact that you are the complete opposite of him. you dont know why but you only shrug it off.

“ill help you today, alright? then you can quickly cook something up for us. im hella hungry right now.”

seonghwa lifts his head up from the table and scoffs with a slight smile. you furrow your eyebrows and frown. “what’s that face for, huh?”

“this is the first time you offered to help. id say thank you but i know you’re only doing it because we both know im the only one that can cook.” seonghwa says confidently. you purse your lips and nodded your head.

“you’re right. but i’ll still help. so, what should i do?” seonghwa tosses the cloth that he was using to clean the kitchen counter. you took a step back as you quickly got a hold of it.

“wash it and wipe the bookshelf.” you let out a long sigh before flashing him a bright smile and headed over to the bookshelf. while you were wiping the sides of the bookshelf, you could have sworn that you saw seonghwa looking at you with a smile and a light blush of pink on his cheeks. you pretended not to notice though, and shrug it off.

[TWO] : he’s a great cook.

you still remember the first day you came to the apartment. the first thing you see your new roommate doing was cleaning. like intense cleaning. it was late at night and you didn’t bother to even greet the stranger since you felt awkward and wanted to rest for the night.

however, at about two in the morning, you were laying down in your room when you felt the need to have a night snack. you stepped out of your room and went to the kitchen. the whole apartment was dark except for the dimly lit lamp at the kitchen. you jumped a little when you hear seonghwa’s voice coming from the living room.

“y/n?” you turn around to see seonghwa chilling on the couch with his phone. the living room was completely dark and you could only see his face from the light illuminating from his phone.

“i was just getting a snack to eat.” you said as you opened the fridge to look for something to eat. unfortunately, there wasnt anything that looked like it would fill your midnight appetite. you hear seonghwa standing up from the couch at the back and walking towards you. you tilted your head to the back and see seonghwa standing behinf you. you tale a step back.

“i can cook something if you want.”

“no no its fine i just need a simple snack.” seonghwa kept quiet for a moment as you went back to the fridge to look for food again, as if something might magically pop up. but of course nothing did.

“well i didnt think of getting any snacks when i moved in. ill make something.” seonghwa walks over to the fridge and nudges your arm, making you move to the kitcen counter and leaning your hip against it as you watch seonghwa get to work.

you were looking through your phone, distracted when you heard the noise of two bowls being olaced on the table. you lift your head up and noticed that seonghwa made yoghurt with cherries and raspberries. it wasnt your idea of a midnight snack but at this point, anything could go in your stomach.

“thanks.” you whisper softly as you drag the bowl near to you. seonghwa only hums in response as the two of you take a bite at the same time. your mouth gapes open as your head slowly tilts up from your bowl to look at seonghwa. he was casually eating when his raises an eyebrow at your weird expression.

“how.. how does this taste so good? what did you do it? did you poison it?!” seonghwa blinks at you a few times and shakes his head slowly. your forehead creases as you look at him suspiciously. “i never really liked yoghurt but holy shit.” you quickly take another bite.

“i think you’re just hungry. it tastes fine to me.” seonghwa says in a monotoned lazy manner and grabs the bowl and taking a seat at the dining table. you purse your lips into a straight line and grab your bowl as well and walking down the hallway to your room. before you open your door to go in, you quickly turn your head to the dining table.

“thanks for the yoghurt! ill wash the bowl later.” seonghwa doesnt react, keeping his eyes on his phone. you gave a weird look before heading inside. you sigh.

he’s going to be hard to talk to.

[TWO.2]

“its your birthday, right?” your jumped in your seat when seonghwa suddenly appeared beside you on the couch. “uhuh.. how’d you know?” you say softly, nodding your head.

“wooyoung told me. lll make you a cake or something. anything you want to eat?” you blink at him a few times, your mouth still gaping open as you were shocked about a few things. 1. he talking to you in a more open matter and 2. he actually want to make you something for your birthday.

“make me mac and cheese, please! i love the way you cook it!” you smiled brightly. seonghwa smiled back and coughed, only to return to his monotoned face. you laugh softly. you found it cute somehow.

“i wouldn’t have allowed it since its unhealthy but since its your birthday-”

“thank you!” you leaned in to hug seonghwa. the didnt hug you back, so you quickly pulled away. you noticed him blushing again, this time it was more obvious. you shook it off, despite knowing you felt butterflies in your stomach. “ill go out to get groceries then.” seonghwa stands up from the couch and heads inside his room to get ready.

you smiled to yourself constantly as you waited for seonghwa to finish making the mac and cheese. you sigh in satisfaction as the smell of the delicious food fills the air in the apartment. you tapped your feet excitedly as you had your eyes glued onto seonghwa with the pan in his hands. your face lit up the moment the starts walking towards you. you clap your hands as he places it down on the dining table.

“fuck it smells and looks to good.” you moan out. seonghwa lets out a soft laugh, making you blush just from hearing him do that. “if i made this any other day, i would’ve asked you to pay for the groceries.” you roll your eyes.

“come on dont be rude to me.” you grab a fork and spoon, bringing your plate near the pan and cutting out a slice for yourself. “thanks for the mac and cheese.” seonghwa only nods his head and took a slice for himself before the two of you ate together slowly, indulging the savoury and amazing taste of one of seonghwa’s best dishes he has ever made dor you.

you appreciated times like thae with seonghwa. alrhough not much interaction was made during meal times, you really felt that he cared for you. making meals you like on special occasions, and he’s always asking you what you want to eat, despite the fact that he might not be comfortable with the idea, he doesn’t fail to whip up a great meal. you liked that about seonghwa.

[THREE] : he’s a great listener.

you basically the worse day that day. for some reason, everything just had to go wrong. the only thing you felt the whole day were anger and sadness, more so towards anger. it was late at night yet you were still fuming in anger, only wanting to let it all out the moment you stepped into the apartment.

you unlocked the door and dropped your bag beside you and slammed the door shut. of course the piercing sound of the door made seonghwa lift his head up in an instant. you notice him laying down on the couch with his phone and usual.

stomping over to the kitchen, you pour yourself a glass of cold water. you chugged the whole cup of water fast and forcefully place the cup on the counter. you clearly felt seonghwa’s eyes on you. you look up from your cup and notice him looking shocked, his mouth gaping open slightly.

“what?” you said, running your hand through your hair in frustration.

“you okay...?” you hear seonghwa ask. “does it look like im okay? today felt as if i entered a shit hole.” you huff. you made your way over to the couch, leaving your empty cup on the counter.

“move your ass.” you hiss at seonghwa. he raises an eyebrow and gets up from his laying position, proceeding to sit up and let you take a seat beside him.

you sit down and let your body sink into the couch, laying your head back as you sigh to calm yourself down. “what happened?” seonghwa whispers, putting away his phone and turning his attention to you.

you purse your lips into a thin line and slowly looked up at him. his eyes were filled with concern and his voice was gentle too. he hasn’t been this concerned about you before.

“apparently i got my best friend to dress up all cute and fancy so that she can have a date with my boyfriend behind my back.” you scoff in disbelief, shaking your head. you see seonghwa licking his lips nervously as he nodded his head.

“a shit show if you ask me. i saw him waiting for her in front of the shop i was working at.” you grab the pillow behind you and hug it close to your chest with you digging your face into it. “just how cruel can people get?” your voice was muffled but you knew seonghwa heard you loud and clear. you felt his hand resting on your back, patting it gently.

“its fine. rant all you want.” you took a deep breath and slammed the pillow onto your lap. you felt that it made seonghwa jump a little but he never fails to keep his composure in check. you could never be like him.

the night, all you did was talk, cried and screamed your heart out. and seonghwa was there to just listen to you. he didn’t react much, but he did nod a few times hear and there to let you know that he understood what you were saying. he wasnt so affectionate that he would hug you when you cried, but it felt good to just have him sit there with you while you let out all your anger and frustration. you figured that having him as your listener was his way of showing comfort for you.

[THREE.2]

it was 4am. you and seonghwa have been drinking since 2am. why? you had a bad day and you felt rhe need to destress with some alcohol. seonghwa wouldn’t have allowed you to get drunk but he was apparently having a bad day too and felt like he wanted to get a little drunk to forget everything that day.

“dont you know how fucking stupid that is? it only happens to me. why?!” you groan as you take down another shot. seonghwa fills up your cup again.

“just forget them. they’re being idiots.” seonghwa whispers. you gap your mouth open and roll your eyes. “how can i forgot something like that?!” you shout angrily, slamming your hand on the table. seonghwa laughs in a lazy manner.

“you’re cute when you’re mad.”

“excuse me?” you tilt your head to the side, wondering if you heard seonghwa’s words clearly.

“nothing.” you shrug it off and shake your head.

“by the way..” you started off. seonghwa lifts his head up from the table and lets out a ‘hm?’

“why arent you telling me why you’re drinking? you don’t normally do this. you dont even let me drink unless its a special occasion. i rarely see you drunk.”

seonghwa raises both his eyebrows and sigh. “i had a bad day. but yours sounds worse so ill let you do all the ranting.” seonghwa starts playing with his shot glass, circling his index finger around its rim.

you clicked your tongue. “but its always been about me. you cook me my favourite meals, you do all the cleaning and you’re always here for me when im pissed. i feel bad about it..” you quickly glance at seonghwa. its the blushing again. you started to accept the fact that you had an effect on him, instead of avoiding the fact that he might have feelings for you.

“i guess im always doing those things because...” he leans forward over the table, getting close to your face. you start to grow nervous and your heart started beating quickly. you held a fist to your chest, breathing slowly to calm you down, but it failed. its the first time you’ve seem seonghwa like this. he looked... hot?

“do you know the answer?” seonghwa asks, tilting his head to the side as you watch his eyes glaze over you whole face as if he’s admiring every inch of it.

“no?” your breathing stopped for a moment when seonghwa gets even closer. this time, your noses were touching. seonghwa chuckles lowly. why did that sound so good all of a sudden?

“i know that you know. i wonder why you’re shying away.” seonghwa’s lips immediately connected with yours. you blinked your eyes rapidly as you tried to process the situation. you couldn’t hold back. his lips felt great against yours. its like all the worries that have been piling up in you have been washed away from a simple kiss.

who knew you’d get this close to your mysterious roommate? its a drastic start to a good relationship nonetheless.

[stumbleintothesun]

Life Rant

For the few people in here...sorry lmao this is long as hell.

Lately I've been feeling like...garbage. I know there's no one on this place that really follows me, so this is me posting to the void.

I have been dealing with a lot of health issues related to my mental health and weight. I've gained nearly twenty pounds in a year, and no matter what I do my weight doesn't budge. I work out regularly, Ive been trying to eat better but...my only thought is its because I'm working a desk job now - which I fucking hate with a fury. And I know my weight isnt the end of the world - it just really, really fucks with my mental health. I've always felt ugly. The only time I didn't was when I was super thin which I know is problematic - and I know that's part of my mental health...like my aunt died from an ED. And my mom definitely had/has an ED even if she's gotten much better about it in the past few years...

And I'm finally getting my face to clear up after wearing these masks for a year - a year! But I'm still dealing with the healing process and I'm anxious it will scar. I've worked this entire pandemic at a job I *hate* just to you know, finally pay off my student loans just go back to school so maybe I can do something I love. But even at 25 and providing for myself, I hardly got any financial help. The only thing saving me is my grades that got me a decent transfer scholarship.

But the first school I applied to wanted my high school transcript, even though I have an associate's degree, and because I'm, frankly, stupid I somehow missed that they needed it. So they threw out my application that I spent an otherwise four hours writing for.

So I'm going to Eastern, which frankly will be better for my mental health, but they don't have a tuition free program. So I'm going to have to borrow money after just finally paying off my single year at a liberal arts college debt that I took on when I was 17 (it ended up being like 30k to pay off). And it's all because I didn't fucking read right. So much for being a good student, I guess.

But it wouldn't have mattered because they would've hardly taken any of my classes despite most of them being from down the road and for an associate's degree! And even Eastern is giving me a hard time, despite my degree they say I don't have the basic level biology course - my degree is biology focused! I'm going into ecology! I have taken genetics, conservation biology, anatomy and physiology, cellular biology but I don't have intro bio? So now I have to test out, on top of working full time. Which is fine, its a good refresher...I'm just so overwhelmed with life right now. I have a stack of over 100 flash cards and I'm just anxious.

This is a year after my partner went through an ugly break up with their old fiance (we were poly), and their ex was an abusive POS who once told them if they came out as anything other than their assigned gender, he wouldn't date them anymore. He gaslit them constantly, made them feel like hell. So we finally got out, but he wanted the house they got together or 10k. He made over double what they make - and he always forced them to pay half the bills, including half of his fucking protein bullshit because it was "groceries." He knew they didn't have the funds. Because our friends are amazing, we were able to buy him off but he left the house trashed.

It fucking sucked, and they were also responsible for getting his name off the house which meant a refinance that we could hardly afford. We got lucky we were able to do it, but they hardly got anything back for it. And it was a *nightmare*. We finally got it done, after pulling teeth and it took six months. Four months longer than they said. And that entire time they were forced to occasionally reach out to him, their old abuser.

Finally we were free, but then I started having further issues at work. Between the pandemic, and working in a heavily red area during the election, I cried a lot. I work in customer service and while I make okay money for the industry, I'm constantly burned out. My colleagues are okay, but it feels stupid to leave just to find a job for three months to go back to school. Then I started being short in my drawer (I'm a teller at a bank). The final straw was being short $500. Now I'm on a work plan, and if Im short again, I'm out. And it's my fault. I don't know how it has been happening. So now I'm always on edge at work, triple checking everything. And I could leave, I could get another job but there's no promise I'll make what I do now, and in order for me to pay for the chunk of school I need to, I have to put away a certain amount every month.

I do have a grant of sorts for 5k per semester to help with bills, which will alleviate a lot once August arrives. And I know I'm crazy lucky to have that. So sometimes I feel like such an asshole about it. But we have a house to pay for and bills to pay. Just like everyone else. Ugh, I don't know.

I talked to my doctor about my weight, came in with calorie intake numbers and how much I work out with zero change. I cut out pop entirely from drinking it every day. Nothing has helped. So we switched my meds from Lexapro to Wellbutrin to see if I lose weight because of that. Nope, just having more mental break downs, steady weight, and my resting heart rate is abnormally high, stopping me from making a little extra cash donating plasma. So now I'm switching back to Lexapro with nothing gained other than. You know. Feeling like shit. Next up? Birth control coming out of my arm. Don't really need it anyway. And maybe that will help? But I don't think so. I'm not sure what to do.

I am genuinely trying to be healthy, eating more whole foods. More veggies. More home cooked meals. I love to cook, I'm just tired. And sometimes the air fryer and oven baked frozen foods are too easy to pass up. I'm trying to always eat breakfast. I'm working out again, we have a gym membership but there are so many men there and I dont always feel comfortable, because my partner has been anemic and they can't go yet. So I use our bike in the living room and do home workouts.

But when I did this last time there was zero change in weight or anything. Even when I ate really, really clean for three weeks and worked out for most days, tracking calories and everything. Nothing changed. My thyroid is fine, we've already checked it. I'm just tired.

This past year, other than being with my partner has fucking sucked. And this doesn't even cover all the shit they've dealt with with switching to they/them and a name change. I love them so much, and love that they are finally comfy but their parents were assholes about it. And that matters. It does, and I get it. I just wish I could help them more. I wish we had a break, a breather for longer than a day. Even then I can't relax, I'm too on edge. There's too much to be done. I need to earn money, I need to clean, I need to focus. I need to be productive in some way to justify if I'm not working on those things. It's...all dumb.

[bunnis-babes]

I wanted to make a longer post about 2018 because I saw other people doing it and I’m determined to write this shit down so I can see if I’ve gotten better at life when I’m like 30. Wow, what a “sentence.”

So 2018 started out really good for me, like really great. I rung 2017 in with my then best friend after talking to her for about 3 hours before. My grades were good and I was happy at the time. I had amazing friends and I felt like life was good, but that was only the first few months.

Around March was when I realized things weren’t okay with me personally. I had stopped eating correctly, sporadically eating small amounts or not eating at all. I realized that I was getting more tired often and was a bit underweight and was a lot weaker. I tried my best to fix it, and I did as best as I could without help from others. At the same time my best friend suddenly went through a bad depression and I was just being my sarcastic self and she suddenly got offended and angry. This was the first of many.

Through the year, up until a certain incedent, she kept getting angry at me. Some fights were my fault, some were hers, others were both of our faults. No matter what though, I was always the first one to apologize because she had somehow convinced me that she was older therefore she is more mature and right. This kinda fucked me up and because of her I have severe trust issues and fear confrontation. My depression was at its worst when we had our freindship ending fight.

The entier summer I moped around feeling sad and empty, I had no reason to do anything for the longest time until my awesome best friend @home-of-the-trash made me realize how fucking shitty and abusive our relationship was. Then I had to deal with the fact that I was going to have to see her around the school hallways when I go back, which wasn’t ideal.

So I went back to school, avoided her for a week, and hung out with my two awesome friends who still live near me. Eventually she gave me a half assed sorry and I just didn’t give enough of a shit to fight her again. I made friends, but I was extremely stressed out due to the amount of things that had been dumped onto me that year. I stressed about grades, relationships, family, self expectations, etc.

Then finals came a swinging around the corner and I got even more busy and more stressed and I just wanted to cry. But I didn’t, I refused to feel the emotions that would leave me vaunerable. It was the day before finals when I realized how emotionally closed off I was to everyone.

One of my friends noticed that I had been kinda distant and looked like absolute shit and I just told them that I was fine and they had nothing to worry about. Multiple people tried to help me out and get me to open up, but I pushed them away. I went home and was like, “Wow, I really don’t trust anyone with anything at all.”

I spent the first half of break ruining my sleep schedule and the second half playing on my PS4 and talking to my best friend. I rung in the New year with her too, but this time I knew she was actually someone who I know will stick by me because she has for more than half my life span and I really love her for that.

I also opened up this account here which really made me realize how much I loved to write. I helped me to be a bit more confident in my skills and was just a nice place to be with so many awesome followers. Thank you all so much, I love you too much.

2018 May have been shit for me, and maybe for you too, but I hope 2019 brings new hope for all of us.

💙River💙

[sebyuns]

why hiatus ?

hey guys ! so in my hiatus “announcement” post I said I’d make a post about what’s going on in my life and why I’m on the hiatus. so if u wanna know nd care about me or if you’re just nosey please read after the cut !!

okay so I don’t even know where to start lmao ?

I’ve been diagnosed with depression and anxiety disorder about a year ago and it has been building up for years. last year it started to affect my school I’ve always been a pretty good student but due to my disorders I started gettung worse and it got really really hard for me to go to school. I couldn’t bring my self to go to school I would throw up in the morning and just been really bad so I started missing school and end up only going 2-3 days a week. everytime I would go to school I have panic attacks and I left earlier and I just couldn’t keep on doing that anymore so my therapist signed me off school a month before the summer holidays started. but staying home all that time + the summer didn’t help one bit (wow what a surprise) but I keept on telling myself that it’s gonna be fine next school year and that I’ll be able to go to school again buy SIKE I thought lmao !! it’s gotten even worse so I got signed off school again just after 5 days. and that’s where we are right now 1& ½ month later. i literallt havent been to school for MONTH like ive barely been the second half last year then combine the month before summer holidays, summer and the time til now. its the worst i hate it so much because id love to go to school I wanna go to school i just fucking can’t. by this time I know that I won’t be able to go back to school bc this is graduation class and I can’t be missing this much so I’ve got to redo next year or do something else idk

My depression is at its worst point yet. I have multiple breakdowns a day, I’m either feeling too much or nothing at all, literally everysingle thing makes me cry (one of the reasons I can’t be here lmao) suicidal thoughts, sleeping 12 hours day, forgetting to eat at all or only eat sweets, not leaving the house for days if it’s not for the therapist, just lacking human interaction at all. and all of that other jazz .I’m just really not .. great lmao.

as if my disorders weren’t enough I’m also dealing with an alcoholic dad and a (also) depressed and easily aggressive mom. I haven’t seen my dad for over 1 year now even though he lives only 10 mins away and just thinking about him brings me to tears just hope he doesn’t die from his fucking alcohol lmao i live with my mom who’s also mentally not really well that loves to get angry @ me for no reason and then scream at me for hours till I’m literally ready to kill myself one time i passed put out of the result of us arguing the fucking dishes or what. us being together all the time is just super toxic and she’s one of the big reasons that make me worse. I don’t have many friends (that live near me that im really close to all my really good friends live cities away and I don’t have any money to visit them) im alwyas alone lmao when was the last time i meet uo with someone? so I’m literally always stuck at home with my mom in my 9m^2 room.

the only other schedule and human interaction except for the therapist is my dancing group. well guess tf what we’re gonna disband ! amazing right, I know? 2 of our memebers are moving far away and with put them 1. were too little people 2. the room we rented is way to expensive. I don’t know what I’m gonna do without my group and dancing because it was literally one of the only things that are keeping me alive.

I’m in the queue for a mental health clinic at the moment. I’m probably gonna be admitted in about hopefully 3 weeks. I’ll be there for 6-10 weeks so I won’t be able to be on tumblr at all during that time.

ay and that’s not even all of it 🤙! I’m just really tired right now and I don’t think I have the energy to continue writing but I hope you guys have a better understanding of what’s going on with me right now? I doubt that anyone is really gonna read all of this but if u did thank you sm and ily 💕 if u wanna help me keep updated with exo somehow please tag me in stuff or send me asks I’ll check them atleast once a day!

[deojoon]

sky blue : 1

cross posted on ao3

part 2    part 3     part 4    part 5

Summary:

(trigger warning) how namjoon came across always and reflection or how namjoon began to love himself with help ! *this fic isn't for everyone, in no way am i romanticizing mental illnesses or what namjoon went through. if you don't like it dont read it thank you.

Notes:

i'm not gonna lie this straight up was the longest and quickest fic ive ever written. all because i was sad. it didn't turn out the way i wanted it to but its something. i kinda cried while writing it only because i sorta relate ? ion know. even though im a shitty writer you gotta start somewhere enjoy !

Chapter 1

: the beginning

I’ve always wondered how he did it. How Namjoon pieced himself back together. Did bts help ? did army help ? did a friend/significant help ? i’ve always noticed something about rm and it’s wasn’t till recently it got better.

-

It’s was a late night , early 2016, namjoon couldn’t remember the day of the week or date “fuck” he said as he sat in his studio chair looking up at the ceiling. It’s been about 3 days since he locks himself in the studio. This is couple months after his mixtape dropped and when the plagiarism claims had happened. The lowest point of his life.

He checks his phone to see with no surprise to see no new notifications. Namjoon sighed, he stretched his arms and with grogginess, he went back to writing. After even more hours of creativity, Namjoon passes out.

Namjoon woke up to see the time is now 5 am.

He gets up to leave the studio to check on yoongi. No matter what namjoon himself was feeling he thought of everyone else’s well being first. ‘it’s better this way’ he thought.

As he approaches yoongi’s studio he knocks on the door. He hears something crash, he starts to beat on the door calling his name “yoongi please open up”.

After a deep breath yoongi opens up the door breathless “what” he said harshly.

Namjoon walked in already knowing what’s wrong, closed the door and hugged yoongi. “take a deep breath. You’re  okay. You’re  safe.” Yoongi grabs namjoon tightly

Yoongi was upset, he was mad that he was frustrated with himself, that namjoon knows all too well when he’s mad, that namjoon knows how to make him feel better. Yoongi’s grip eventually loosens. Yoongi’s moves closer to namjoon's neck, just to inhale namjoon’s scent to calm himself. It’s a mix of pine, mint, and cotton candy which is surprisingly addictive.

(Not that yoongi would ever tell anyone that.)

With a now calm yoongi, namjoon asks “what were you doing exactly”

Yoongi still in his neck mumbling “producing. It’s not coming out the way I want it to maybe it’s because i’m not capable of making good music”

Namjoon squeezes yoongi tighter. “yoongi no matter what you’re the most creative person i’ve met. Yoongi don’t pay any mind to this small stump.

“but you don’t understand the pressure”

Once yoongi said that it hurt namjoon’s feelings a bit. Brushing it off namjoon replies “ come one let’s go home you need a break”

Yoongi just sighed and nodded, knowing arguing with namjoon at this point wouldn’t get him anywhere.

They left and went to the dorms. As they walked in seokjin was in the kitchen grabbing food for himself. Like a deer caught in headlights, seokjin jumped and dropped his leftover chicken.

“well there you are yoongi I was looking for you. When you feel better can you fix the bookshelf. Someone broke it” seokjin said glaring at namjoon.

Namjoon sheepishly smiles and rubbed the back of his neck. “sorry”

Yoongi had enough and grumbled “ stop breaking shit i’m tired of fixing it” he stomped away.

Namjoon’s sheepish grin dropped “ i’m going to bed”

As he walked to his shared room with taehyung he began to think about the inconvenience he caused other the members. He sighed and went to bed.

-

It’s now a Monday on their one month break. While everyone else is out having fun namjoon is stuck inside. its seems like everyone made plans without him yet again.   It’s been like this for the last week. No human interaction, so he decided to call jackson to see if he wanted to hang out.

But of course, jackson was busy. Namjoon started to feel antsy. He started to scroll on twitter. Maybe seeing army will make him feel better. Namjoon felt worse after reading comments about how ugly and untalented he is. His mood worsened more and more.

When namjoon heard the door open he knew the rest of the members came back he quickly put his emotions in the back of his head. And walking into the living about to say something only to hear his members making fun of his singing as they listened to the song  “adrift”

“he sounds like he’s dying”

“is he gargling a box of nails”

He had enough and went into the bathroom.

He sat down against the wall and stared at himself in the mirror.

‘why am I here’

‘I can’t even write good music without copying someone’

Namjoon shook his head and realized someone was knocking on the bathroom door. He got up and washed his face to see an angry taehyung.

“Finally, do you know how long I was knocking. Get out so I can go in”

Namjoon thought taehyung was concerned for him at first so he smiled but dropped it when he finished.

Namjoon went to his room grabbed his phone, laptop, and wallet and walked out the dorm ignoring everyone’s laughter.

-

He arrived at his studio locked the door and decided to read on naver thinking the news would make him feel better and distract him. Namjoon ended up reading two articles one about him plagiarizing and the other on how much weight he gained, how fat he is now.

Namjoon was at his breaking point but the one last thing that pushed him over was his parents texting him that they’re on vacation without him.

Namjoon began writing full of tears and sadness.

One morning, I opened my eyes And wished that I was dead I wish someone killed me In this noisy silence I live to understand the world But the world didn’t once understand me, why No, the other half is missing* It’s trying to hurt me I miss me miss me, baby, I miss me miss me baby I wish me I wish me baby Wish I could choose me

Why is it that I’m being so earnest Yet it’s not working out Always Always Always Always Always (I lost my all ways) Always (I lost my all ways) Always (I lost my all ways) Always (I lost my all ways)

If I ever meet God, I would tell him this That life is coffee that I never ordered I would grab him by the collar and tell him Death is an americano you can’t refill Are you sure that you’re alive Then, let’s prove it somehow When I exhale, there’s breath** On the window, there’s condensation You are dead You are dad, but you are dead Dead dad you don’t listen to me Dad please listen to me

Why is it that I’m being so earnest Yet it’s not working out Always Always Always Always Always (I lost my all ways) Always (I lost my all ways) Always (I lost my all ways) Always (I lost my all ways)

-

After writing, the group's manager called him to explain the wings photo shoot and due date for the music.

After the long and exhausting meeting, he went back to the dorms to tell everyone the schedule and he got nothing but complaints.

“why couldn’t you pushback the date”

“all ways make things hard for us”

“ya I really don’t appreciate his at all”

“why’d you make our schedule so intense”

Namjoon ran out the dorm slamming the door.

-

Namjoon goes back into the studio and just stares at the wall, thinking about the stupid voice in his head repeatedly saying he doesn’t matter and wrote reflection.

I know Every life’s a movie We got different stars and stories We got different nights and mornings Our scenarios ain’t just boring I find this movie very amusing Everyday, I want to shoot it well I want to caress myself I want to caress myself

But you know, sometimes I really really hate myself To be honest, quite often, I really hate myself When I really hate myself, I go to Dduksum I just stand there with the familiar darkness

With the people that are smiling And beer, which makes me smile Coming to me softly, Fear, which holds my hand It’s okay because everyone is in twos or threes It’d be nice if I had friends too

The world is just another name for despair My height is just another diameter for the earth I am all of my joy and anxiety It repeats everyday, the love and hate directed to me Hey you, who’s looking over the Han River If we bump into each other while passing, would it be fate? Or maybe we bumped into each other in our past life Maybe we bumped into each other countless times

In the darkness, People look happier than the day Everyone else knows where they’re supposed to be But only I walk without purpose But still, blending in with them is more comfortable Dduksum, which has swallowed up the night Hands me an entirely different world I want to be free I want to be free from freedom Because right now I’m happy but I’m unhappy I’m looking at myself At Dduksum

I wish I could love myself I wish I could love myself I wish I could love myself I wish I could love myself I wish I could love myself I wish I could love myself I wish I could love myself I wish I could love myself

-

Namjoon now lying on his studio floor hear knocking on his door. He ignores it and goes back to sleep.

'why do they even bother with me'

[askguyslikeus]

oh shit yall send lots of questions hoo nelly answering almost all of them under the cut ,,, im gunan try and answer more technical ones first then fun ones and ones about the mod later so u dont gotta scroll all the way to the bottom for the good deets

Hi! I'm still kinda new to the blog and I was wondering what are the 'do and do-not' kind question I should do? Because im sure theres always that one ask thats just Innapropiated, like that one of Michael 'taking advantage og high Jeremy' that was just not cool.  i got this ask a lot so ill be clear with yall. im just not a big angst fan? so sending michael asks about his anxiety nonstop and about how he had a panic attack in the bathroom over and over again wasnt that fun. usually if it pertains the musical though you should be find sending an ask about it? but sometimes i get asks that are like “jeremy ur nothing and how does it feel knowing u fucked everything up” like homie how i think its feels? how u think hes gunna react to that? i made this blog to negate a lot of negativity in my own life so i can promise u im going to be answering asks mostly positive always forever. that being said tho i sometimes get asks pertaining to a few things that ive dealt with in the past and these topics make me very very uncomfortable. dont send asks about these topics please. this is the no no list

-self harm, cancer, suicide, rape, parent death, car accidents, sudden death.

What was your inspiration for this blog? hoo boy well,,, ultimately i thought of them rooming together and got emotional and made a huge list of headcanons and was like ,,, why not run an askblog for a bit ill just abandon it after three asks lets have some fun. but somehow im still here and i got sucked in by the complexity of michael and jeremy. i know that sounds kinda silly but just, as someone who is dealing with a lot of similar things, like dependency issues and abandonment issues and depression and anxiety, having these fun functioning character to explore was such a gift for me. i believe honestly thats why im still here and doing this. being able to try and portray a healthy relationship and a healthy way of coping and growing has helped me a lot this past month and given me an outlet i didnt have before. TBH THO the main reason i made this blog if imma be real with u guys id because i didnt like the treatment of a lot of these issues in the fandom. it made me very upset to see depression used as an plot device and michaels dependency issues treated as romantic so i wanted to make a blog that had little to no angst. ANYWAYS somehow im still here ,,, gvrkjvrnkjfd sorry i rambled

honestly I just wanna say first that I love his blog and your art and you're so cool and kind!! a question would be (I'm not sure if you've answered this before or not) but is there like an on going story here, or is it mostly just answering questions with the characters set in this universe? (if that makes sense I'm sorry!) thank you, you're super awesome! ❤️  djrnjg first off thank u so much aaaa,, ive kind of answered this before but its ok its been a while since then! but um i do kinda have a story but how howdy i sure am dragging my feet. the story isn a hUGE OVERARCHING EPIC OF WOE AND THIS PERSON IS UPSET AND THIS PERSON IS MAD AT THIS PERSON its just michael and jeremy getting together. i have a plan and ive talked to a few people on how i want it to happen but ive gained like ,,,, 6,000 followers since then and im kinda nervous BUT ILL DO MY BEST but also please understand that i do this for fun for myself and if i dont get to it im so so so sorry woops

i know this has been said before but i'm really really happy w how you're handling so many aspects of their characters. i.e. michael being trans, michael and jeremy's anxiety, michael's dependency issues, and other stuff i'm too tired to think of. you made the characters have even more depth than they did in the play and i'm rly grateful for the way you're dealing w my favorite boys. (also your richjake is suuuper adorable) ahhhhhh thank u so much? i talked a bit about this on my main but im really glad people are happy with my decision on this blog because im suPER SUPER NERvous anytime i post an ask dealing with these things. (ask hachi or nate i always message them like freaking out and send them my scripts and asks and wait for them to tell me its ok before i post it omg) also like i talked about before i love,,, having these fun stoner gamer boys to explore these issues with. im honestly shocked by how many people also deal with dependency issues because when i first listened to the musical i was so overwhlemed by the song michael int he bathroom because i had never heard someone basically write “dependency issue: the song” and it felt so so so good to realize i wasnt alone in this pit of despair i fall into so easily aha. but im!! glad everyone is ok with this wild ride im on right now (also thank u so much i struggle writing rich and jake but i get so emotional cause they would TOTES call each other babe)

how come you just use sketch form for most of your drawing (sketches and uses sketch for the final result)? im ,,, not really sure what this is asking but i thnk its along the lines of why do i only sketch my answers?? and i do that because dude do u see how often i post and how lONG some of them are. i made this blog for fun and i love doing comics but i hate lineart and coloring and if i tried to churn out finished pics for every post id defs have given up a few asks in,, shrugs

I want to say I love your little comics they're so funny! How long does it take you to make a comic? Are any of them based on your experiences? Ok have a nice day!  thank you! i love my little comics too! it usually takes me anywhere from an hour to five hours if im dragging my ass or talking on discord while im drawing. it can be kinda exhausting but since i took my break ive also been like, starting long comics one day and finishing them another day which, before i would do it all in one sitting then post it hahha. AS FOR EXPERIENCE the first half of the lifeguard comic was based on real life! we were stuck stoned up there for like an hour or two? but we didnt have anyone to help us but we got down eventually!! the wendys comic is also something i did because man!! i need to compliment food workers if they do a good job!! ummmmm just like jenna i also have a friend that said HAHA BYE and moved to cali and she is also lIVING IT UP and doing really well for herself and shes very independent and shes very inspiring to me! hmm i think thats it besides i used to have movie nights with my dad all the time too except we would watch my fave animated movies and sometimes lord of the rings cause my dad loved that

What kinds of things can we NOT ask ? What kinds of things do you WANT us to ask ? i covered the what not to ask in the first question so!!! um if my askbox is open and u want to respond to previous asks ive answered for the boys that would be so so so rad. sometimes im done with a certain ask and i have nothing to add but sometimes ive got more to say but am looking for an opportunity! that being said it made me really happy that i got a lot of asks about pj? shes not going to the main focus of any more asks but!!! i was nervous to introduce her and im glad u guys like her shes fun to write. but overall just general asks i can make a big ol fun story out of so!! dont worry too much about what to ask, if its something ud ask a real person and not like “lol what if ur dad died” ur gunna be fine probably

Hi! Not a question but your blog is so sweet and refreshing! I actually really appreciate that you refuse angst, that stuff tends to rub me the wrong way in fandoms... Keep taking good care of these boys ! gggg thank u!!! it means a lot to me that a lot of people are backing me up on this! i mean if u are an angst fan there are a lot of askblogs that explore that!! so its not in short supply bmc askblog fandoms got something for everyone

Which drawing program do you use?? i use paint tool sai and my tablet is a cintiq !!

this isn't really related to the faq but that bakunawa boy reference was great I LOVE THAT FIC MAN!!! the line was originally a little diff in that ask but i changed it cause ,,,, i could,,,,

an art style question. how do you keep the design of characters consistent from frame to frame? my characters they look a lil different every time I draw em (or a lot different) and it tends to disrupt the flow of my comics/animations ohh boy hoo wee props for doing animations im too scared to give that a whirl but!! it helps that i draw all the panels for an ask on one canvas! so if my next panel is going to be the same character in the same spot just in a diff pose i keep the lower layer on just at low opacity so i can use it as a ref! that helps me a lot!

Sorry if I'm nosy or rude, but are you reflecting Micheal Anxiety, Panic attacks and depence? iii think this is asking if i reflect my own issues onto them boys? and if so then yes i do. i dont place any of my own personality or anything on the boys but i do use them as a way to help me learn how to cope with my own shit and i try to deal with their issues in the healthiest way possible while also keeping in mind they are flawed individuals aaa

what are your pronouns??? and maybe your main blog??  im a cis girl so she/her is good! and my main is squigglegigs! also that being said IF YOU SEE THE USERNAME SQUIGGLEGIGS ANYWHERE JUST?? ASSUME ITS ME?? i have a twitter and an instagram and my tumblr account 

((Hello mod will Michael and Jeremy eventually someday get together. I love them.)) if all goes according to plan yes! if i get overwhelmed and stop having fun on this blog then no! sorry thems the breaks but! i do want them to get together so HOPEFULLY

going off on that confrience on pornogrefy for birds, Im geussing jeremy has played Hatoful Boyfriend. am I wrong? well it wasnt intended as that ref and i dont know anything about hatoful boyfriend but i can see jerm finding it and playing it so, sure homie! the pornography for birds thing is a my brother my brother and me reference! i love that show and them boys so give it a scope!

I'm crying bcuz Michael said he's in love with Jeremy and it's beautiful yeah that boy is DEEP IN love with his bro bro

Any advice for running an ask blog?? (Ps i love this blog keep it up) personally whats worked for me so far is doing just sketches for art. honestly ive been able to work so much more and post so much more often while also trying to work on my expressions and poses! also taking my own experiences and shaping them to fit the characters has been SO MUCH FUN. th most important thing tho is,,, dont overwork urself dude. if ur having a fun time it shows. if ur just forcing urself to churn out material and its not fun? like shit we doing this for free dont push urself? idk idk overall being looser with my art and writing the dialogue before hand has been the most helpful for me for this askblog! ive run a bunch before including @ask-maz and ive run that sporadically for ,, three or four years? its so funny cause u can see my art style juMP AROUND SO MUCH but i love that blog and i only update it like every other month or so but?? i still like doing it and no on likes those posts but it makes me smile so ANYWAYS

~ok from here on its mostly just me replying to nice messages or people asking me personal questions that dont pertain to askguyslikeus so!!~

I just wanted to say I really really love your blog and just your art in general!! Keep up the good work and hope you're having fun! thank u!!! i am having fun and im glad u enjoy it!!

What other musicals do you like? :0  i really like heathers A LOT. i also like doctor horrible i know thats not technically a musical but i just relistened to it and im emotional. i like dear evan hansen but it makes me really sad so i can only take it in moderation! ummm rent? chicago?? music man? now im just naming musicals i was in rip. being in a musical fandom is a new thing to me? i was really into heathers last year but didnt really interract with the fandom at SO THIS IS SUPER NEW?? ive never been into a musical as much as im into bmc and heathers tho

tell us a little bit about urself!! u seem v cool i am squigs or fork!! im 24 and work fulltime as a barista at starbucks! i get high on the beach with my friend gwen a lot and drink wayy to many slushies, my tv shows are brooklyn nine nine and bobs burgers right now! i table at conventions sometimes and sell my art as merch and whatnot and i cosplay as a hobby as well. im pretty boring but i draw a lot and always carry my big sketchbook with me and im pretty sure its given me back issues BUT OH WELL HAHA also i am very not cool THE TRUTH COMES OUT

Who do you most relate to from bmc and why? like ,,, a mix of michael and christine with a sprinkle of jeremy i guess ahaha i relate to michaels dependency issues and overarching positive attitude and love of music, i relate to christines bright disposition and the need to not stick to one set thing? like she loves theater cause she can be sO MANY PEOPLE and like same homie thats why i cosplay. and jeremys need to be likes while also ability to put himself out there is very relatable. i also identify strongly with his dad issues idk idk whats good

Also -- just thank you for how you handled all the panic attack and anxiety attack asks. I used to deal with anxiety attacks multiple times a day and it just was really nice that it was positive and not them having one. Thank you, sincerely. ahhhhhh ur so welcome i,,, have anxiety and it sucks and i deal with panic attacks like everyday at work so i dont really wanna come home and draw someone having one i guess? im glad its helping other people too tho!

Dude- I love your art? Actually so much? It's... I love it. The whole sketch-ish way your art style is, and the way you color, and the expressions! I'm so glad I found your work - you've given me so much inspiration. Keep doin what you're doin and I hope you have a good day! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH ANytime any one compliments my expressions i die cause i legit made this blog to help with that as well ,,, like dam

im lvoe ur art style b o i :0 !!!!!!

Mod, I love you so much I love you you have my soul and my love and my eternal gratitude thank you and I love you (This is the guy who was excited about PJ on your ig live stream a while ago and I love you) !!!!!!!!! im so happy u like my content omg and that u like pj im so glad!! shes a good bean

I just wanna say... I'm crying over that post about Michael and his anxiety? cuz I know how it can feel that you're only your flaws and weaknesses, but Michael just tells that to screw off in the most wonderful way and I'm?? thank you so much for that post, I bookmarked it for future times when I can't look past my depression... honestly, that post made my day (along with every other post on this blog), thank you for being such a lovely part of this fandom ,,,, im,,,, im scared of a lot of this fandom tbh but if i can be something good that come out of it and my love of these boys and desire to show them functioning together in a healthy way can help other people its so much more than i ever thought id ever be able to do. i am blown away everyday by the support ive been given on this blog and i might be crying right now because i never thought id be able to touch other people like this and i just. im really glad yall are here with me for all this.

(To the mod: You are a beautiful person that I highly respect. I love this blog and what you set out to do. thanks for giving something that makes me smile and gives me something to look forward to everyday, keep up the good work! ❤ ) hey im still crying from the previous ask aaaaa im honestly so emotional

what are ur true feelings for wendy's??? i fucking love wendys man thats some top tier fast food right there

what fast food restaurant do you think has the best nuggets WENDYS HANDS DOWN

do you have a favorite movie? paranorman makes me very nostalgic and ive seen it like eighty times and used to watch it with my dad a lot and i love it

I would just like you to know that your Wendy's comic prompted me to pull the same thing with a bakery in the town I'm visiting and the baker got so excited and happy, so thank you for making that comic because I made that woman's day. GOOD GOOD GOOD GOOD GOOD I LOVE WHEN PEOPLE COMPLIMENT ME WHEN IM WORKING DUDE LIKE IM SO GLAD IT MADE U DO THIS!!! IM SMILING REALLY BIG!!

chocolate milk or strawberry milk? or plain? woops i hate milk im so sorry

do u love michael mell with all of ur heart, mod?  i really truly do man what a fucking good ass character

hi squigs i love you! i love your content too and i hope u have a good day pal :>  WHAT A SWEET BEAN!!! THANK YOU?? OMG

I'm just saying that recent ask you did with Michael really hit me hard because I really related to it and I started crying because it made me realize that I've been pining my self worth on everything my anxiety causes and I'm so much more than that. Thank you, so much for that I really needed it because I'm in a really bad place right now. <3 -for the mod i legit cry everytime i get asks or dms like this cause once again the idea that im helping other people is so ovwehelming i love you??? i let myself just be”depressed” for ahwile and by that i mean i just,, let my sadness consume me and i was scared of getting better cause the sadness was all i knew for so long and just. its so easy to think u are ur illness but you are so much more. soooo much more man.

I relate A Lot to Michael so the way you portray him in the blog is really good, and I think it's really awesome you refuse to like?? do terrible stuff and answer bad questions just bc people wanna see that. You run this blog really well 👌  AHHHH THis is the biggest compliment thank u so much ,,, i get real anxious bout this blog soemtiems but then yall send me sweet things like this and its worth it man

Hey mod, just know you're a really cool person. Thanks for running this blog in the first place. Keep doing the great work.  thank you!!!! for ur support!!!! 

not really a question!! i just wanted to say your posts on this blog always brighten my day and you're really an incredible artist and person, keep rockin on my dude!! *clutching my heart* the fuck this is so sweet

1 .I just wanted to say your blog is really awesome! It's very lovely. I also like how you made michael trans and like handled it? (just with how all the characters treat him and stuff its v nice). Your art is super duper! Thanks for running this awesome blog! 2. Hey! This isn't a question but I wanted to say that I appreciate michael being trans!! As a trans boy it's just rly awesome to see something like that casually thrown into an ask blog without making it a huge weird deal :D immm,,, i kinda really love the idea of michael being trans cause a lot of my trans male friends are actually pretty confident in their skin and michael is a very confident character? and u rarely see that with trans representation and its so refreshing to see it portrayed well. im trying to do that here but again if! i do anything wrong let me know!

how did you first get into art? (also i really love your blog, it's amazing!) ive been drawing as long as i remember! ive got mad adhd and wasnt diagnosed until late in ym life so i would just draw nonstop in my classes ahaha i used to read the sunday comics a lot and they really inspired me to try and make comics of my own too!! (and omg thank u) 

someone also asked me if i went to church or was religious but tumblr ate the ask but i used to go to church a lot as a kid but im currently not religious at all aaa

ok holy shit that was a lot but thanks again to everyone i legit cry a lot about how supportive u all are thank u so much aaaa

[nobody-knose--archive]

evening update from the desktop with me in a slightly more coherent mood. read on if you want a rather more detailed & concise explanation of what went down last night after i logged off but only if you’re cool with some descriptions of being sick (nausea & vomit) n stuff

so for starters like i said up above last night near 11 i was getting really incoherent in the tags of some lemon demon posts. typos all over the place, not a single thought was processed before it made its way onto the keys of my computer. the last thing i posted before logging of was an audio edit where in the tags i was beginning to give the post a compliment or something but ended up talking about this immense dizziness i was overcome with while writing. when i say the room was spinning i meant it, i was typing some stuff out when i moved my head round in some direction kinda vaguely and suddenly i’m incapable of focusing on anything for a second without my gaze drifting, i’m heavily off balance & mildly nauseous, so i put those last incoherent cries for help in the tags & stagger off to the bathroom. i’m just about able to drink a bit o water before i’m sat down and preparing myself to throw up. i dont, fortunately, so i just kinda. sit there. for about half an hour. it’s a bit could but hey it could be worse. it’s damn late (like a few past 11) so i eventually move myself into a lying down position & stay there with my eyes closed for a good while. later i realize hey why am i doing this i dont feel like im going to throw up any second now i should drink some water or something and leave. so i heave myself up to the counter, a monumental task, & chug a whole cup of water because i’m very good at doing that quickly. i did it damn too quickly however because no sooner am i done drinking it than i must shove myself over to the toilet & throw up every bit of water in my body. not fun. so i get that over with and am just sitting on the floor again but in a much worse condition. it’s gotten to the point in being sick where i’m aware there’s basically nothing i can do to help myself but physically getting help would be far too difficult so i’m just vaguely resigned to living in the miserable present for an indefinite period of time. thankfully i hear none other than my mother coming up the stairs and somehow find the strength to call out to her. one small, tired, & incoherent conversation later (i say something along the lines of “i could have rabies seeing as one of the symptoms is hydrophobia but i’m pretty sure there are a lot more symptoms to rabies than that and i havent come across any actual animals in a damn while” and she gives me a funny look, understandable) i’m still laying down on the bathroom floor but this time with a small blanket, a pillow, my bath towel, & a water bottle in tow. i stay there for about half an hour. at some point my older brother comes along to brush his teeth before bed and just takes a good look at me before snatching the toothbrush & leaving (i never did get around to brushing my teeth that night. a shame. especially considering the aforementioned vomit but eh i got over it. washed out my mouth. i kept thinking of that one mouth dreams song with “my mouth is dry” that was in the trailer for reasons that should be obvious. anyway) i spend most of my time just staying as still as possible with my eyes closed because a. i’m tired as ufck and b. the slightest movement of my head makes me seriously dizzy. i started seeing stars at one point but that’s no big deal. eventually at round midnight i drag myself into bed and now for all of today ive been perfectly fine. mowed the lawn, swept, painted, rode my bike, played the piano, all without issue. i could not for the life of me tell you what caused everything that went down last night but my money’s on a combination of low blood sugar, thirst, tiredness, and low iron content. ive got no evidence to support basically all of those but it doesnt matter. anyway thanks for reading all this, as a treat you get a little bit of bonus information bout what’s going to go down tomorrow: me & my family will take a small trip to a little pumpkin patch attraction outside town for the afternoon. it’s a beautiful place, down in a creekbottom area, full of pumpkins & corn & a miniature steam train that you can ride & hayrides & a creek & a swaying bridge and basically autumn isn’t the same without it. i’ll hopefully take a pic or two to show you guys because it’s just the most lovely thing in the world regardless of whether youre a child or not. and i may be afk for most of tomorrow again but i’ll have good nice content for you when i come back (and i might upload a fic i wrote? perhaps? i’ll have to see) so. goodnight

quick update im going to make for everyone before i get caught using my phone this morning:

you may have seen the tags i put on various lemon demon posts last night (i hope you didn’t seeing as not only was it super late) i was absolutely incomprehensible at the time, way more tired than ususal, spewing out thoughts, typos left and right. if you found it entertaining at the time i dont blame you id think the same thing. but if you stuck around until the end the last thing i said before i logged off for the night was a very hasty & panicked small cry for help concerning a small large dizzy spell i suddenly had to deal with. it was true at the time i like threw my head back too hard and was suddenly immensly dizzy, couldn’t focus room was spinning could barely stand upright as I staggered into the bathroom to drink water or something. long story short an hour later i was dozing on the floor of the bathroom mostly asleep, having given a truly incoherent explanation of my situation bout half an hour prior to my mother who got me the blankets & water that were ensuring i wasn’t dying of either hypothermia or general lack of homeostasis for any other reasons. this morning i woke up was very mildly lightheaded & unsteady as i left my room but all in all im doing swell now. enjoy whatever my queue decides to spit out in the meantime

[undeademoprincess]

82 Truths

rules: once you’ve been tagged you’re supposed to write a post with eighty-two truths and then tag twenty-five people.

tagged by @hoseokjinns bruh this has been sitting in my drafts for how many eons????

name: Dawn blood type: b nickname(s): Celeste (cousins mainly) and then anything else is adding an e or i sound to the end of my name (tho i have noticed dawners is a frequent name) r/s: dead inside zodiac sign: libruh pronouns: she\her favorite tv shows: dude, i havent seen any tv shows since i was 8, that was well over a decade ago. i collect the dvd/blurays of tv shows but not often. my mother and i are really into futurama but other than that its usually animes that i collect long or short hair: literally lopped my hair off myself like 3 days ago height: 5′5″ do you have a crush on someone: if fictional characters count then yes, the husband list keeps growing and i need another closet to shove them in but real life im fighting a “battle” what do you like about yourself: i have yet to be called annoying or that im an ass to those i love and i support them with all i can, so ive got that going for me right or left handed: right, tho i am ambidextrous over weird ass shit. like gymnastics im left dominate in??? idfk either man list of three favourite colors: literally any color associated with fall/autumn and ill be a happy camper

right now: eating: just ate a cracker that had peanut butter on it cause im munchin hard drinking: sweet h2o man i’m about to: probably go to bed or i might work on my drafts for my writing blog, havent decided yet listening to: a mix about cats, love, breakfast and being tired by in love with a ghost (on youtube) kids: hell no, unless i know i can support the damn thing with all i can while living comfortably along with someone i KNOW wont leave both me and the kid and help me then maybe, but its still a really strong no. pets are fam tho, so technically i have like 5 kids already get married: down for that, annoying someone all the time as a “job” sounds fun, especially if we get late night adventures and do weird ass cooking class shit for fun. ITS IN THE CONTRACT YA KNOW career: i really want to travel the world and get paid to do so, but at my own pace

most recent: drink: water????? idk what you want from me man im a thirsty hoe for livin phone call: been on discord all day today with 2 of my best friends and listening to music with my bot the other half on it song you listened to: lauv reforget (literally just came on) 

have you ever: dated someone twice: no been cheated on: nope, and im not the type to let them get away with it if they ever did kissed someone and regretted it: no lost someone special: yes been depressed: yes, began at a very young age due to the death of my father. literally had a midlife crisis when i was 4 cause of his death been drunk and thrown up: hell no kissed a stranger: no had glasses or contacts: glasses had sex on the first date: no, not really my thing broken someone’s heart: i think so, never really ask how they felt about it afterwards turned someone down: yuuuup cried when someone died: yes fallen for a friend: mmmmm, not really??? i usually crush on an acquaintance and my friends drag them in and somehow become friends later??? 

in the last year have you: made a new friend: uuuuuh, maybe 3??? i dont like leaving my house nor do i like wasting my time on strangers, especially if theyre rude fallen out of love: yeah laughed until you cried: many times, MANY FUCKING TIMES met someone who changed you: uh, i think so??? idk, i kinda find my own flow in life and people either respect it and enjoy the ride with me or fight it, and i dont have the energy to deal with pointless shit found out who your true friends were: ooooh yeah found out someone was talking about you: humans talk, its natural. i dont really do anything but i can see why someone WOULD talk shit if thats what this is asking about kissed someone on your fb list: ew no

which is better: lips or eyes: eyes hugs or kisses: hugs, i like being warm shorter or taller: both have pros and cons romantic or spontaneous: both? both sensitive or loud: idk what the fuck this is asking about but if its about being around people who are loud or sensitive then neither, im sensitive to headaches so loud people irritate me and trigger the pain and ive had bad experiences in person with sensitive people where they dont leave me alone and wind up stalking me???? i love being alone so neither hookup or relationship: relationship troublemaker or hesitant: one can be kinda fun but also a pain in the ass if they get you into trouble a lot and the other might not be as constantly fun per say but at least you shouldnt be in trouble as often 

first: best friend: Samantha surgery: thankfully nothing yet sport i joined: badminton  vacation: everything my parents did was while i was literally an infant soooooo yeah, greaaaaat memories

do you believe in: yourself: not all the time, but i rely on myself more than anyone else. i dont trust anyone for shit when i know damn well i can do it myself and know that if something goes wrong i myself fucked it up and can probably fix my mistake miracles: yes and no, i believe theres a reason for things to happen the way they do, and there are times i see it as miracles love at first sight: i believe in attraction at first sight, not immediately seeing someone soul or some shit heaven: im more for reincarnation and spiritual aspects in life and death

extras: how many people from your fb list do you know irl: 90% of them do you have any pets: im not counting my outside pets because there are too many to even keep track of to count so my children are 5 cats, toto my conure, oz my dog, tubby my gecko, and a beta fish and a catfish do you want to change your name: if i ever did, which i dont want to do, it’d be either Celeste or Aurora (my mom actually debated on calling me aurora after like the disney princess if you will and funny enough shes always been my favorite princess) what did you do for your last birthday: 2 of my friends kidnapped me and took me to dinner and we drove around and looked at interesting things. this years its during ren faire and im so damn happy what time did you wake up today: 9 pm. im sick atm and its really fucking up my sleep schedule  what were you doing last night at midnight: just got out of a call with one of my best friends and sat on my own server for a bit chillin with my music bot before my other best friend joined my after like SIX HOURS, DAMN YOU SIMON something you can’t wait for: ren faire, getting married cause then i get to sweater slap someone and get away with it, and being comfortably happy in life last time you saw your mom: a few hours ago? i went to the kitchen to get my cat to love on her and saw her then what is one thing you wish you could change about your life: i wish i had more determination to see things through and not be scared to take the leaps to see it through have you ever talked to a person named tom: i worked in retail, so probably what’s getting on your nerves: a lot of things, mainly petty things. kinda wanna cut a toxic person out of my life but we all know thats easier said than done especially seeing how he talks to literally all of the people i talk with on a daily basis save one soul and he treated her like shit when he talked to her sooo yeah, dunno wtf is his problem but im tired of being the object of his frustration and anger, idk how the rest of my friends deal with his shit but im just so damn DONE

man im not taggin 25 people. if youd like to tag me as a “i found it from so and so” then go for it man, let youre dreams run free friend. im just a lazy sack of shit and am tired and im amazed im still up and that its TAKEN ME A MILLION DAMN YEARS TO DO THIS IM SO SORRY LEANNE

[filterhoshi]

seeing monsta x at the airport in sf!

hello i really wanted to do this post!!! this day was so much fun and i met lots of people. i’m going to write this post in bullet points bc i feel more comfortable writing it this way. so .... yeah i’ll just start here?? lol this is gonna be long

so the day before, july 19th, my friends were originally going to sleep over then just head over to sfo early in the morning

we didn’t even know what time they’d be arriving so we were like ok lets just go at 5am!

they didn’t end up sleeping over so i had to pull an all nighter bc i don’t trust myself waking up

i also chose what i was gonna wear like an hour before we left bc i always do things last minute hhdfcdjh

my mom and i left my house at 5am and i was slowly getting tired so i got coffee from starbucks to keep me up

like i didnt even sleep since 2pm the day before .....

after picking up both my friends we hit the road!

there was traffic but the drive wasn’t too long and we arrived at sfo around late 7??

ive never been to the domestic terminals so it was kinda confusing

my mom dropped my friends and i off at terminal 2 and just left to go to a mcdonalds lol

my friends and i wandered around terminal 2 on the 2nd level,, we were at baggage claim and didnt really know what to do

we went up to the first level and it was like where people left to board and where people arrived?? idk how to explain it im sorry

there was a starbucks there so my friends got stuff and i didnt cos i was fine

my friend constantly checked twitter for updates and monsta x hasnt left yet 

at this point it was like 9am, all three of us pulled all nighters, and we didnt see anyone else who looked like they were waiting for monsta x

we then headed to terminal 1 level 2 and chilled there for like 30 minutes maybe

monsta x still hadnt left so we looked at remaining flights and the ones they’d most likely be on were in terminal 2 so we moved there

there were seats there and outlets so i charged my phone and we all just sat

my friend went to go get her internet friends and we all just chilled in the little seating area

it was about 10am and my mom brought us food bc we did not eat at all

my 2 friends left and i was left w my friend’s friends ..... yall i dont wanna use names bUt YoU know what i Mean

there was a guy and asked us if we were waiting for monsta x and wow !! we met another fan ! so there was just a lil group of us

lololol if u guys see this .... hi

ANYWAYS

my 2 friends came back and the 6 of us went to go to the international terminals aka on the other side of the airport

we had time to kill so why not!

((before my 2 friends came back my friend’s friends figured out monsta x would be coming at 2 or 4pm and it was 12pm at the time))

there really wasnt anything to do so we just went back to terminal 2 and continued waiting

2 other girls came and waited with us and we were like a cult

we took up half of the waiting area basically!

another girl came and i ended up talking to her for a while

it was like 2pm now?? and monsta x were coming at like 4:39

3 more girls came and we were just this huge ass group,, it was nice

honestly we thought we were the only people there but we were so wrong hjdcnjdfh

my friend’s friends soon then found out monsta x were arriving earlier and they’d be coming at 4:19 so i was like yes!!! thank u god!!!

i was lowkey getting impatient

time was going by so slow i swear and im still surprised i wasnt even tired

we all decided to go up to level 1 at 4:10 and i swear i was shakin and getting hella nervous

iDK WHY BC IT WASNT LIKE I WAS GONNA TOUCH THEM OR SOMETHING

when we went up there were like 20 other people waiting for them too and i was sh00k

more people came though eventually

my ass was just shaking the whole time and trying to prepare myself

there were fansites too and it felt weird seeing them in action lol

so it was way past 4:19 and my friends and i were just like uh??? what??

the longer we waited the more nervous i got bc they could be coming out anytime soon

people walking out were so confused why there were so many people waiting and asked us who we were waiting for

a security guard was like “who are u guys waiting for? justin bieber?” hhdfcjndj

these 2 guys came out and asked us to make way so we were guessin they were w monsta x bc they waited after telling us that

SO AT 4:49 PM

THEY CAME OUT

I WAS SHAKING

sadly everyone started to crowd and i was trying to give space but it was hard to back up

i have a video and there were a lot of people getting in my way and i bumped into so much people

OK BUT shownu and kihyun came out first

and BITCH it took me a while to register that i was them like

i just stared at kihyun for 2 seconds like ??? then i was like WAIT MINUTE IT’S THEM

the crowd started moving and after shownu & kihyun it was jooheon and changkyun

FUKCING JOOHEON’S HAIR I CANT- YALL GOTTA SEE PICS LMAO IM SORRY SWEETIE

um wonho was after jooheon and changkyun but in the video i took i noticed i barely acknowledged him shcbjdcnd

IT WAS HAPPENING SO QUICK OK IM SORRY WONHO

like i deadass skipped over him and pointed my camera to minhyuk lmfaodjfcndj surprise! minhyuk is my bias!

i still got some footage of wonho tho

ughhhh minhyuk was wearing a hat and mask but i was still WHIPPED and thought he was the most beautiful person in the room bc well i mean he was

he looked pissed tho

most of them look tired or annoyed and i just kinda kept stepping back

some people were getting to close and i tried yelling out to give space but that didnt work

HHFNCJD i yelled out “YO MINHYUK IS SO BEAUTIFUL” i hope he heard

this girl in front of me got so close to him tho like u could see it in some of my pictures and the video i took

when they were going outside to the van i somehow went from the front of the crowd to the back??? idk

they all got into their van pretty quick

some people shouted their names,, in the video i took all i heard was wonho and jooheon

i shouted minhyuk though

i love him so much dont @ me

they shut the door so quick though idk why i thought it was funny hhdfnvjd

wonho waved before the door closed so .... ye

they drove off right away after they closed the door

no one touched the van or like banged on the windows so don’t worry!

once they left

MY ASS WAS CRYING AND I COULDNT BELIEVE I SAW THEM

all that happened in less than 2 minutes i was so ajhsnsjdhcn

my friends and i were just freaking the fuck out

i collapsed onto a pole bc Holy Shit yall i saw monsta x wow!!!!! WOW

my friends and some of the people waited with just got back into a small group and looked at pictures/videos we took

we went back inside and sat down to look at everything

i was still in shock bc oH MY GOD

after like 20 minutes of just looking at pictures we decided to leave and it was 5pm

so basically my friends and i waited at the airport for 8 hours without sleep to see mx for less than 2 minutes

it was so worth it lmao

my friends and i slept in the car on the way back home tho so there’s that!

well that’s how it went down when i saw them!! idk if i should post pics from the airport since it happened a few days ago but ... yea

um idk if i’ll do a post about my experience at the concert bc it might be boring since i didnt do hitouch?? maybe ill do it,, ill think about it. if i do it,, expect it to be out in a couple of hours lol.

[oceansandroses]

Paris

So Im gonna write a basic travel thoughts page per place I went starting from Paris. I’d try to recall how lapland was too in hopefully future entries but so here goes!

Paris. 

The city of love and romance. 

But also sadly, the city of pee. 

No city smelt as bad as Paris did, each train, metro, bus and even at the Sacré-Cœur Basilique, with that amazing view, the smell of pee nvr left. Okay, I gotta try to start being more positive about things and stop looking at things from a negative point of view. But I really felt I had to get that point out. 

Great amazing things about Paris: the architecture stole my heart, it just enveloped my entire being. Everything, every place and every building or house was just so unique, tasteful and just a wonder to me. Each had their own flavor, taste and vibe. Whether was it a nice, quiet restaurant with people just sitting to people watch and chill with the oh-so-wonderful weather (it was a perpetual 18 degrees there, probably just 10 in the evenings) my down jacket was rather excessive but I guess it was alright, there were plenty of tourists in Paris that were cold even in that ‘warmth’-funny how Sweden changed me so much, to tolerate the cold. So the buildings were just so beautiful, I remember taking the train out of the airport and looking out of the window only to see many landed houses with different and varying numbers of windows. differently colored and different types of bricks or materials used in its assembly. I was sold. 

The weather as mentioned was great, warm and sunny, a nice warm but cooling breeze which Ale and I were really grateful for. Oh and Asian food!! On our first day there, besides having to skip going to the outlet stores because we didnt have much time to get from our airbnb to the outlets since we got pretty lost without internet (note to self to always get internet that works internationally) so we went to explore the city. Day 1 was lunch at 2/3+ before going off to see the Sacré-Cœur. The climb was alright but what made me weep tears of joy was my fav carousel right at the bottom of the basilique. The vibes of the place overall was really nice and pleasant. There were many people chilling, drinking a bottle of wine or beer or just chatting on the grass patch on the climb up the stairs to the church. Tourists were everywhere as with every tourist attraction but somehow the place didnt feel overrated. it wasnt swarmed with tourists and there was a unique and magical vibe to it. The street artists who were all around trying to earn their daily bread through caricature sketches, the nice restaurants that sold mussels and oysters in buckets at 14 euros (I was really so tempted). But there ale warned me about people who might pickpocket us, there were people who held different colored strings and she said they would hold the string out to us, the moment anyone touched it, they would ask you to pay them money or pickpocket us etc. It was kind scary but we hurried along. Oh, right at the top there was also a choo-choo train! it was pretty cool

Ale and I also bought 12 postcards at 2 euros yay! Next was the Arc de Triomphe, we managed to snap a few pictures but due to no reduced admission rates for us and to go up was 12 euros, I was pretty hesitant. Sharm did recommend us to go up but Ale said the weather was pretty cloudy and we prob could try tmr so we gave it a miss. From the Arc, we saw the Eiffel so both of us decided ourselves that it was quite near so we walked towards it. It was actually quite a walk but it felt kinda fun since we were ‘chasing the tower’ lol, always finding it amongst the buildings and its spotlight that shines throughout. The nightview of the Eiffel was really nice but there was not much magic vibes to it, maybe bcos it felt a lil overhyped. After which we got a little lost, took the wrong train from the wrong side and hopped on the dirtiest train i’ve ever been. The seats were fabric but they were so black and dirty. The red cushion seats were all blackish and they looked kinda mouldy. Much #grossness 

Anyways Ale always having a great directional sense brought us back to the right path after one wrong stop, and we met Sharm at Quatre Septembre to go hunt for some Ramen that people recommended her. It was a chinese-ran restaurant that sold jap food. The gyozas were good but the ramen pretty much tasted like yellow noodles in a chinese broth. The cha siew was good thou i must admit. After that we had Grom gelato (only bcos I said it was a good brand that Robz & I tried in Italy) before sharing a jar of 50cl of white wine. Ale taught me a bit of how to drink the wine while we sat under a heater in one of the most popular and happening streets of Paris. Oh another thing thou, Deliveroo exists in Paris and the delivery guys ride bicycles! So i guess it feels weird that with SG being a much smaller place, rarely do you see people in bikes as in bicycles but rather its just bikes and cars. #thatswhyCOEhighlor the green olives they served there was really nice thou, the black ones tasted like they were soaked in water or just oil. The olive oil in the black ones were barely visible.

it was a great chill hangout before we left and rested up for the night. We started our next day early with the Lourve tour which we paid 24 euros for but ended up feeling very disappointed and cheated since he just shared some short story about how this Lourve came about (from a small tower and a wall elsewhere) to this-he hates the pyramid design so obv not much talk was given about this pyramid before leaving us to walk to the entrance and enter it ourselves. #sobz #byemoney 

Inside the Lourve thou, it was a brand new story. We started off with the French sculptures and boy was it beautiful. Each sculpture felt like there was a life to it, its own story and feelings. Its lines were so beautiful, intricate and just so perfect in their own way. There were many students or people just chilling there and drawing life sketches of the sculptures. After that we kept getting lost but we saw the Napolean collection, the crazy Chandeliers around, the furniture before we attempted to see the French paintings. But bcos we kept getting lost, we ended up looking at the Egyptian collection. Much thanks to Ale for being alright to go to the Egyptian part of the museum with me. After the Lourve bcos there was free wifi, we decided to go hunt for bubble tea. We got lost and spent 1.5 hours around town before finding our Chatime! we had a crepe outside the Lourve too after getting lost half way and walking past it for like about the 3rd time. 

After Chatime, we went to primark to shop for a bit. The collection was rather big but okay ish like no feels to splurge on anything. We went to Bershka too before we rushed to the nearest post office to mail our postcards. The mail lady didnt speak a word of english and boy was she inefficient. She had to flip thru her stack of stamps thrice and recount sets of 5 stamps before letting us pay and all. 10 stamps were pretty pricey and costed me 15.8 euros but oh wells. crap I just realized I forgot to write daddy a happy birthday post card:( but wait its in April okay, ive got time. phew. 

It was a mad rush back home and we had to pass thru a black zone, there were so many blacks and police there, it felt like the entire atmosphere was really tense. The moment anybody made a mistake, the police were right there ready to arrest. We also saw some blacks making a living with a supermarket trolley as a bbq pit to cook kebab meats which I felt was pretty innovative and cool. I also love the buses here, uncles here stop when they see people running for the bus which doesnt really happen alot in SG. sigh. SG buses do come more frequently thou, but still that doesnt make up for bad behavior. 

After dropping our things, we took a train to the concert. Broods was the opening act before Tove Lo and i didnt do much research on her so I nvr knew Tove Lo was so sexualized. Every song she was shaking and grinding her hips to it and she eventually flashed her tits at the audience too. I bought an autographed CD from her but it was weird bcos while heading back Ale was sharing with me about how Tove Lo was being pretty illuminati and Satanic and that Beyonce was the head of the illuminati. I was very thankful for her religious sharig althoug I have to admit after hearing all that i was kinda scared. 

We ended the night cooking our only ‘meal’ of instant noodles before resting and heading to the airport by uber the next day. Thank god for uber for getting to our airbnb and to the airport. the public transport train ticket was far too ridiculous-10 euros for a single trip to the airport and we didnt even stay that far. Uber was just 11 euros per person-.-

Also pretty disappointed with the Paris duty free airport since the collection was so small, I couldnt get mommy’s and huijun’s clinique products. Ale and I each bought a crossaint there thou! It was really yummy

okay done for Paris its 1.45 in the morning here in LKP so im hungry and sleepy and tired and upset so i shld try to get some rest 

Ciao