#im so sorry for ranting and i will delete this but im just getting more annoyed as time goes on somehow

[demonwebs]

i wish people realized how little bi/pan rep there actually is out there and why it hurts when people run over it like a truck like it just doesn't matter

[wiredsmi1e]

hi yes ive got sm to do today istg i just wanna

[synthshenanigans]

Ik its been said multiple times before but Vol. 1 is so interesting to me & its suck sm with how often the actual real parts of it get mischaracterized or just ignored

[theres a LOT of text here i apologize i just rlly like the album]

Gonna rant more about the way ppl characterize HMS more even just specific events people end up misinterpreting. Just using the "tines stabbed through eyes" line as an example, that line is usually given or seen as being about Heart when its not him who says the even says the line, it's Soul. The sides he's talking about IS Heart & Mind, its even in the { } marks to show that.

But aside from that, even just HMS as characters/concepts is misrepresented as well. Op already went into it very well but a major point of the album is showing that the each of the sides aren't perfect & that neither of them are the victim nor the villain of it. [mention of depression & suicide cos yk its CCCC]

Heart isn't some overly emotional child that is willing to kill Mind at any chance he gets. He's the part of Whole that gets so overwhelmed with everything that he lashes out & is pushed to shooting himself [Heart shooting Mind is just Whole shooting at himself, as stated in Mucka Blucka]. You cant just say "Oh well Hearts evil cos he tried to kill Mind" when it also would've just gotten Heart/all of them killed as well.

Good Day & Just Apathy is Heart getting tired of everything to the point where, in Heart Acoustic, he gives up and lies in the hole. Not caring about what happens to himself/Whole anymore.

Mind also isn't the smart one that is just "dealing" with Heart & the things he says and he isn't the villain trying to push Heart down or get rid of him at any point. He's just trying to get out of the depression dip just as much as the other two. But seeing Heart almost get them killed, he views that part of Whole the "wrong" half that will only make things worse. But then shown by Be Born & StAAS, he cant run it all on his own which is what pushes him the the point of Mind Electric where he's also just overwhelmed with everything & panics on the fact he has no idea how to stop it.

[Which speaking of THA & TME, THA is Heart giving a logical outlook on his actions & why he does things his certain way. While TME is Mind emotionally lashing out not knowing how to fix everything. Clearly showing Heart can be logical & Mind can be emotional]

All that just goes into Light. Where the both of then ask the other for help. Mind asking Heart for help on how to understand the things in life & how to get through them ["Languish in the numbers, falling under, drowning in the code. The questions we have pondered, time we've squandered. Don't you feel we're owed? Please, help decipher this life that we lead, for each step that we take the answer takes three].

Heart asking Mind to help him become more stable, not to spiral down so fast and violently. ["Humility's a virtue; pride, a sin or so it has been said. But every time I've hurt you or at least tried to, you've laughed and smiled instead. Kicked, scorned and damned by the forces that be not ever once did you fall to your knees"]

Both need the other to actually get out of the depression pit they've all been in [Which is what Soul tries to tell them before too]. Neither of them are actually evil or good or anything, just struggling to not feel so depressed all the time & just need the other to do that.

Now going into Soul, he main part into it isn't just "i hate my sides i want them dead". its a mixture of Heart & Minds worst answers/ideas that they get to in THA/TME. He can't handle how worse everything keeps getting & gives up on trying to fix it at a certain point, but he has no idea how to actually stop it so he's spiraling just as much as they are. So, as shown in the end of TSE, he decides that its all too much to deal with & decides Tridential Regicide is the only way to "solve" it. The Bidding being him giving them both one last chance to prove death isnt the best way out. He isn't an unstable madman trying to get the other 2 killed, he's just given up on trying to go another day & ends up with the idea that dying is better for them all/Whole ["We will be combined whether that be dead or alive"]

Main thing im also getting to here is that the three of them are just different ways that Whole is dealing with depression. Giving up on doing anything in life so either having something happen like the "Juno Incident" or just lying down, giving up & being unable to do anything [Heart]. Trying to stop it by just trying to push though the days and end up shoving your emotions deep down & spiraling even more downwards, confused and frustrated on how to stop it [Mind]. Then ultimately giving up on it ever getting better & thinking "Tridential Regicide" is the only way to stop it.

You can't really label HMS as wrong or right when its just about Whole's inner struggles & trying to stay out of that depression spiral [the loop that gets mentioned]. It's just complicated since its all about the brain & it dealing with mental health. Which is the ENTIRE reason Whole's line in Light, one of the very few he has in all of Cacophony, is "Sitting in the sight of every eye I believe in you. Open the window, look out and see me. That sad, sulking mess; this human you're being".

Whole is even telling his parts that none of its really their fault, its just something thats very hard to deal with. I went more into it before but that line is just telling them that despite everything before they're still human & are just trying to get out of the depression spike they're in.

This is getting to be 12 paragraphs too many so ill stop here but, the album & HMS are not just some story about 3 guys fighting & hating each other. Its one guy trying to deal with depression & how complicated the brain can be when personified and struggling with everything. The way said characters are shown & made mean a lot to me & it's one of the few things ive seen that deal with it in an interesting way. so i just wish that was known & spread around more than it actually is

Mischaracterization in the CCCC fandom: a yapsesh (alternative title: Erm... What the Gore is Going On?)

Hi. Woaw. I'm actually making that post I talked about.

So. One thing I've noticed in the CCCC fandom is this weird fixation on gore, torture, violence, etc. Usually a level of graphic content that makes your average horror flick look... pretty tame!

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy horror! I even think a horror story based around psychological conflict similar to CCCC could work well!

But is it just me, or has this fandom COMPLETELY lost track of what the characters are like in the source material?

Like. Let's be real. Nowhere in the album does Soul do gruesome surgeries on Mind, nowhere does Mind go ripping people to shreds like Doomguy, et cetera. The closest thing we have to an implication of violence is what most of us call the "Juno incident"- as even "tines stabbed through eyes" is clearly a metaphor with the next line: "that the sides have condemned."

Im gonna talk ab the characters themselves under the cut

I feel the biggest victim of this mischaracterization is Soul. In the album he's... kind of a victim, really. He toughs out being dismissed and fought over and pushed aside and outright dehumanized for so, so long. Are we seriously just... going to characterize him based solely on his lowest point in TSE? Spring and a Storm and Mucka Blucka are also songs where he's present- along with his presence in Just Apathy that the fandom seems to outright deny to keep their characterization of him as some violent, abusive monster. (Which, again, is quite literally never alluded to! He's honestly kind of a victim, if anything!)

Ohhkay. Next topic. Mind. Oh boy I have thoughts on how people characterize Mind.

He's not emotionless. If you believe this, you've fallen for his stoic facade. All of his songs are just. So full of so much rage. Maybe even a little bit of grief and sadness and fear, masked by said rage. He isn't some emotionless robot- (Heart calls him an automaton as an insult, but that's another rant.) and honestly it feels like such a disservice to such an interesting character with so much unexplored depth to portray him as such.

Heart. Oh boy. Where do I start. Heart what did they do to you.

Heart is the emotional side, yes, but that isn't just some... smol innocent uwu baby who cries all the time. Emotions aren't small and cute and timid. They're INTENSE and PASSIONATE and EXHAUSTING. Strong emotions leave you so, so drained, good OR bad. This is so much more interesting than portraying him as some "uwu hai dere!!" type of character. Which is nowhere in the album.

Whole is hardly even a character. Soul worshipping and praying to whole is fanon.

This fandom's weird obsession with creating shock gore and one-upping each other in a violence competition has spiraled pretty far out of control, and it's honestly crazy. How do you go from an album about internal conflict to violence that would make even the cast of Resident Evil cringe? Brah.

Final notes uhhh. Soul is a victim who got pushed to his limit, not an evil heartless abuser. Mind is angry and unstable and hurt, not some emotionless robot. Heart is the entire emotional spectrum, not some innocent baby. Ok i . I think that's all. Have a good one

[lyrakanefanatic]

hmmmmm

this is an excuse for me to share my controversial tig (and other books) opinions. (BTW IF U HAVE SOME U WANT TO ADD ON PLSSSS DO I LOVED GOING THRU THE COMMENTS OF THAT TT POST AND READING PPLS CONTROVERSIAL OPINIONS SO I NEED MORE)

1. toby hawthorne was a BAAAAD father. (thank you to @beautifulmusicengineer for opening my eyes about this cuz wtf) he came and went as he pleased, (ik he was worried about tobias coming after him… but bae cmon hes all the way in texas and on his deathbed ur fine) compared avery to her DEAD MOTHER every waking second which stopped being cute VERY quickly, and realized that he was a shit father while his daughter was 19 YEARS OLD (eve) and had been invisible all her life, took her into hiding, and then was surprised that she didnt want anything to do with him and didnt like him whatsoever. LIKE BITCH THAT IS THE EQUIVALENT OF TAKING A RANDO OFF THE STREET, STICKING THEM IN UR BASEMENT, AND THEN TELLING THEM UR THEIR FATHER LIKE WTF 😭😭😭

2. i like eve more than i do toby

3. lia zhang wasnt iconic she was honestly just a headache for me and for cassie 😓😓

4. the naturals shouldnt have more books, UNLESS its to pursue that twelve novella plot, AND EVEN THEN THATS JUST THE NATURALS BUT WITH 13 YEAR OLDS 😭😭 im sorry but the series is done. it doesnt need more books. and im sorry but if jennifer were to make a book about agent sterling and agent briggs kids i would actually delete my account and go into hiding because i LOOOVE them but girl. WE DO NOT NEED TO KNOW WHAT UR KIDS ARE DOING, LET THE SERIES REST 😭🙏🙏

5. ill prob read the toby book just bc i get fomo easily and want to be involved with what goes on in this fandom, but we do not need tobys pov whatsoever. like he loves her, we get it, we’ve BEEN getting it every time he sees avery and immediately starts writing a sonnet on how much she looks like her mother

6. i hate michael townsend. like when cassie came back from LITERALLY BEING FUCKING KIDNAPPED AND CHASED AROUND A FOREST BY MICHAEL MYERS II, AND ALL THAT BITCH HAD TO TALK ABOUT WAS HOW SHE CHOSE DEAN????? i was going to throw atrocious hands and considered sentencing him and lia both to a torture chamber xx

7. i hate hate HATE when theres a love triangle snd the author randomly makes one of the people in it WHO WAS BETTER THAN THE OTHER OPTION a TERRIBLE person just because the other option is ass cheeks. no this doesnt apply to grayson and jameson, i actually really liked how jlb made eve come to hawthorne house because it showed avery that grayson wasnt prepared to love anybody aside from emily yet. THIS IS TARGETED TOWARDS LEGENDBORN.

(spoilers for bloodmarked, book two of the legendborn trilogy) THIS BOOK ACTUALLY MADE MY BLOOD BOIL. TELL ME WHY TF SEL (theres a love triangle with a guy named selwyn, a girl named bree, and a guy named nick) IS THERE ALL THE TIME AND ALL HE DOES IS PISS ME THE FUCK OFF. AND OFC NICK IS KIDNAPPED OR SOME SHIT AND HE CAN ONLY TALK TO BREE THROUGH SPIRITUAL FACETIMES??? IDFK AND THEN AT THE END NICK (who was kidnapped for MONTHS and was so skinny he could probably fly away in the wind) RAN AWAY FROM A BATTLE THAT BREE AND SEL WERE FIGHTING AGAINST THIS DEMON OR SMTH, AND THEN BREE USES THAT AS JUSTIFICATION TO KISS SEL (for the millionth time btw, even tho she was dating nick 😁😁) LIKE BITCH WTF???

8. if u cant tell by my last controversial rant opinion, i DDEEESSPPPIISEEEEEE selwyn, and i strongly dislike bree.

anywayssss thats all!!! pls dont kill me you guys 😓😓

[mrsdickey]

shitty sketch and a yap sesh

feel free to skip. i usually dont rant abt things, but when i do, i get kind of uppity about it. it is long, i just wanna get my feelings out yk. im probably gonna b taking a small break, as a result of my uncomfort on the internet right now and i just. dont know what to draw lol.

ok cracks knuckles loudly ahemmmm

im feeling uncomfortable,

sorry if i seem irrational in this. i just want to be heard.

i dont really know how to word this properly, but sometimes i feel like the love for these characters is a fucking competition.

i hate the idea that people will be like "**I** am bill/pete/jerry/josh's #1 fan!!!!!! nobody else!!!!" im sorry, it just pushes me away from the fandom. and to see people worrying about having to be shit on for having female OC's in the club really pisses me off. gatekeeping isn't it.

i know every fandom is like this. its annoying as hell and i know better to just not post my feelings like this, and to just ignore them, but it makes me hellllllla uncomfortable. it makes me wanna hide.

im genuinely so attached to bill that it's really fucking with me. he's my main comfort, as ridiculous as it sounds. im very mentally ill and lonely, and bill is kind of my "escape" from my stressful life. sometimes it makes me cry, to see myself implode like the fucking titan sub all for a goddamn fictional character. all i think about is him, it's like a fucking parasite eating at my already fucking rotten brain. work? bill. home? bill. hanging with my family? bill. literally everything else? bill. and seeing people wanting to assert themselves as the MAIN fan of that character just gives me the fucking ick. as much as i looooove bill to the point of literal crying fits, im never gonna call myself his biggest fan. (sometimes i call myself his fave but that's more of an in-universe headcanon thing rather than a "he loves ME more!!" thing shhhhb)

anyways, i dont want the love and appreciation for these characters to be a competition. but i have the feeling that it is. and it makes me really sad. this isn't what dorkin wanted.

i know i always stress "no doubles" when it comes to my selfshipping with bill. and i still do...but its kinda ridiculous to assert yourself as THEE #1 fan of a character, and then shoving it into peoples' faces. it feels gross.

i hate hate hate hate hateeee posting about this kind of shit, i wanna keep my account positive, but i genuinely feel like i needed to air out my negative feelings for once in my fucking life.

i am sorry if this is problematic and aggressive. i have strong feelings about these sorts of things. i know none of this matters in real life to some people. but in my boring, lonely ass life, it does matter to me. a whole fucking lot.

i really, REALLY love the eltingville club. but sometimes i feel like its own fandom is what it's criticizing. that's not to say **everyone** in this fandom is like this, i KNOW not all of us are like this. and i really appreciate the people calling this shit out.

with that, i hope i can still continue to post about the eltingville club and not worry about being unworthy.

and to my small circle regulars, who like even my yumeship posts, thank you. i really appreciate you guys. and im sorry if i dont interact with you guys as much as i should.

anyways erm!! i might delete this, but for now, im probably gonna hide for a bit gaahaha you can find me on discord sob

""i aint reading allat sorry that happened or congratulations"" headass lmao

[siasthoughts]

can i request for mortefi x f!reader relationship fluff hcs?

💌 → « CRIMSON SCALES. »

CONCEPT; HEADCANONS . HOW IS MORTEFI LIKE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU?

TOPICS/WARNINGS; NONE

sorry if this is kinda bad 🥲 this my first time doing headcanons

ᡣ𐭩 MORTEFI who dedicates himself to work, and he usually dismisses your texts or attempts to talk with him during work hours. but know that as soon as he gets home, or off-duty, you're all his, and he's all yours.

he's greeted by you as he walks in the door, giving you a small forehead kiss. "oh how lucky i am to be greeted by an angel, what are we having for tonight?" he asks, setting down his things onto the couch as he savors the view of you.

ᡣ𐭩 MORTEFI who would usually come home exhausted, but if you ever needed to rest instead, he'd be happy to cook, clean, and so on.

he'd come home to see you plopped down on the couch, tired as you were barely awake, laying on your sides. he'd lean over to you, giving you a light peck on the cheek before heading to the kitchen to cook you both dinner.

ᡣ𐭩 MORTEFI who would not be scared to give you logical advice, even if it would sting a bit.

you found comfort in his arms as you ranted about some problem you encountered with an ex-friend. "well, sweetheart, i think you should just confront them and admit your mistakes."

ᡣ𐭩 MORTEFI who would spoil you with compliments, and acts of service. though if you wanted, he would spoil you materially too.

you'd be struggling to tie the back of your dress as you were getting ready to go out with him, before feeling a warm hand on your lower back, "you need help with this, my beautiful lady? or do you need a new dress for this stunning body?"

ᡣ𐭩 MORTEFI who would try his best to comfort and help you when you're in stress.

ᡣ𐭩 MORTEFI who would try to act okay even if he's exhausted to not get you to worry (you'd end up knowing anyway.)

ᡣ𐭩 MORTEFI who has a soft spot for you.

ᡣ𐭩 MORTEFI who is willing to shift his (very sacred) routine for you.

-`♡´-

sia's note: i really dislike the way i laid this out im so sorry 😭🙏 lowk i wna delete this the more i look at it omg

you have reached the end of this post

⌂ HOME?

[marsdql]

𝗻𝗼𝘁𝗶𝗰𝗲: 𝗵𝗶𝗮𝘁𝘂𝘀 / 𝗾𝘂𝗶𝘁𝘁𝗶𝗻𝗴 (???) — MAIN PINNED

✾ ─── 𝘵𝘸. 𝘝𝘦𝘯𝘵, 𝘙𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘨𝘪𝘰𝘶𝘴 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘯𝘵

Hi everyoneeee I’m sorry in advance for all the typos in this messy lil rant … I’m not read proofing this lol

I don’t know what’s up with me but I suddenly got a huge chunk of guilt and shame thrown at me when I looked at my fanficion, more specifically my posts containing smut. — I’ve never been the one to be very religious and I have no idea where this came from??? So it was really random but it just gave me the urge to remove everything and start over.

At first I was telling myself that I’d remove the smut posts and I’d continue with fluff/angst fics but then remembered about the fact that people can still see my posts from the reblogs and that just rlly sank in and added more to my shame .. like .. it’s done I can’t remove it completely even if I wanted to . I feel like I’ve sinned and I’ll continue sinning each time someone comes across the posts

Now like I’m scared to stay on here because I’ll get reminded about the fanfics I made in the past each time someone likes it from a reblog and I just know I can’t handle remembering about it I just want to forget it completely

I don’t wanna take a break off of the app either because I know it wouldn’t change anything, id be stressed the entire time off the app and then when I’m come back, those posts are still there so like nothing rlly happend???

And I know this is my fault and this is js me dealing with the consequences of my actions and I’m not blaming or asking anyone to delete their reblog of my ffs I’m aware this is all a me problem concerning my life stuff wtv BUT IT STILL KILLS ME IDK I know I shouldn’t have done this but I Gen never felt such guilt after « sinning »?? It’s like I never really cared about this stuff and I don’t know where this came from but it’s gen ruining my mental health so bad to the point I feel disgusted even trying to write anything close to smut again . I feel unpure and dirty in a way I can’t explain it and the problem is I don’t feel this way when reading it, only when I make it and idk man 😭😭😭 recently I’ve been having so many things go wrong in my life and I feel like this just added on top of it even tho writing was what usually made me forever about my problems

At the same time, I know I’m really attached to this account and my followers. It’s my very first account where I started writing so it means a lot to me.:: I’ve been thinking about this for a while, but I just haven’t been able to bring myself to delete it EVEN THOUGH I’d probably flop without it since most of my followers are here for the smut more than the fluff or angst. I feel like removing the smut might kind of ruin the whole vibe of the account. I’m also too scared to leave tumblr forever or to remake an account and flop even worse or to not regain my current moots on it (I know I’m too scared to tell everyone « oh hi this is my new acc » blah blah) and I’m so embarrassed of this post so I’m not tagging anyone either

I have no idea what I’m talking about anymore. Sorry if this was so so messy. I’m too embarrassed to look over at whatever I just wrote and fix anything . All in all Im so confused on what to do and that’s leading me to possibly quitting my account for good even though I know that doesn’t change the fact my posts will still be available here (I js wanna forget abt it) . This is why all my posts have been removed and if I stay, i won’t be making smut anymore or even keep my reblogs available bcz I’m took scared of becoming bipolar about posting then wanting to delete and not being able to fully delete it from the app

[ranfordgallus]

I remember making a tiktok post about a rant of people making weird sexual comments on my post about my fave characters when they don't know who i am and if im okay with these types of comments

And...a comment said "the character you drew is a fictional character why are you so mad" i got confused because i was never mad but just really uncomfortable but i replied with something similar with "i know they're fictional characters but that doesn't mean i have to be okay with it, these comments are in my posts not others, that's why i don't bother telling these types of comments from posts that are not mine other than my own posts" and also "if you men the character i drew as in my character, it's still my character and I'm allowed to feel however people comment about them"

And this guy replied "it still doesn't matter if it's your character, it's still a fictional character and you shouldn't hate the people commenting on your posts, you could just be nice and tell them you're uncomfortable"......i looked at that comment with a smile on my face trying not to tweak out because...why are YOU blaming me for how i feel about my own characters? Telling me to be nice to people sexualizing my characters or my fave characters that i drew IN MY POST? MY BRETHERIN IN CHRIST THEY SHOULDN'T BE MAKING THESE COMMENTS IN THE FIRST PLACE TO A PERSON THEY DON'T KNOW JACKSHIT ABOUT???? And guess what? You think i don't try to be nice? I'm tired of being nice to these comments, if someone is gonna be fuckin weird in the comments then im gonna act my feelings towards them

I replied again with the saying of "your tone of comments makes it sound like you're minimizing my feelings by saying that it's a fictional character so it's not a big deal".. with a bunch of "sorry"s and "i apologize" to know that I'm not accusing them of being demeaning

They said that they're sorry and they never meant it like that, i guess i was too fuckin nice and never thought to look back at the original comment that started this and i forgave them. And then i looked BACK at the comments and realize...wait, this guy is literally making a demeaning comment by exaggerating my feelings by saying "why are you mad" about my post of me rightfully uncomfortable with people making sexual comments in my posts about my fave characters/OC's

I replied again with "sorry again-((i keep saying sorry because i don't want them to get the wrong idea))for replying once more but you're original comment is exaggerating about how i feel, doesn't the comment you made originally sound rude or smug about my feelings?" I wait for their answer to make sure that it wasn't actually what i think

Hours passed, checked my inbox and they DELETED ALL THEIR COMMENTS? Not even a reply back to make sure, they just full on deleted their comments??? So now i think ...so it WAS a rude tone of comment..

Overall I'm a bit sour about this, like...im being calm and trying to understand, but then deleted their comments without a reply back to make sure the og comment isn't meant to be rude..

[velvetvexations]

just need to rant but today i found out that the author of the pills that make you green comics is against the use of transandrophobia as a term and i feel like my heart was ripped out of my chest. literally her comics were so affirming and felt so transmasc positive and now shes reblogging posts saying that "pro transandrophobe" people are like gamergate men. im hurting so much inside and i dont know what to do. i just want somewhere safe, i want safe blogs that are affirming and not always debating whether or not my oppression is real. i feel like even though its so bad for my mental health, the only place where im safe is discourse blogs, because i Know what their stances are, im safe with blogs like yours and corey's, even if seeing the arguments hurt it hurts less than feeling tricked and lied to. im sorry, i dont have anything really Important to say i just needed to vent 🥺😭

maybe, do you know any pro-transmasc blogs that do more positivity rather than engaging in discourse? i think i really need more of that on my dashboard

@tpwrtrmnky As my anon pointed out when I asked if they'd allow me to tag you in this response, you've already deleted the post that inspired this ask and you say you're going to address why you were unsatisfied with it soon, so I'll wait before adding, if you would consent to it, my own commentary. However, I'd appreciate it if you could read what's been written because it's very emotionally moving to me and I feel as though it's important for you to hear it. Thank you.

I want to say to you, anon, that I understand how it feels. Similar things have happened to me, which I won't get into so as to avoid discussion on if the situations are entirely comparable or not because that's not really the point, and it's crushing.

As to your question, as a result of how easily I'm triggered I follow practically no one who ever even mentions queer issues at all so I'm unfortunately not the best to ask for recommendations of that nature. I recently started following Corey's side blog where he sometimes does trying to keep it mostly positive, but since you mentioned him you're probably aware of that'n (corezy if anyone else would like it).

If anyone else has any recommendations please put them in the replies or send me an ask.

[seonghw4ffles]

sunk cost fallacy

"im reeling in my brain again, before it can get back to you."

playing ricky montgomery ...

seonghwa x fem!reader

< chapter one > chapter two (?)

genre: 4am rant, angst, second chance, ex, seonghwa mc

w/c: 2.6k

summary: he ran for you like a fool when you called him saying your car broke down after fifteen months of no contact

tw: quite poorly written (its pretty much my vents into a fic), reader METAPHORICALLY referred to as "small," no happy ending (unless this gets attention), minor swearing, just sad, thats it though

note: the indented are memories. hi guys im back from school camp hehhee!!! i have never seen angst being on the s/o's side, its always carried on the y/n which frustrates me... might delete this cus i havent proofread,, yeah i might make a pt2 of hea if anyone cares 😭

"oh what am i supposed to do, without you?"

THURSDAY 04:17

seonghwa had no intent of anything, when he was unable to sleep.

seonghwa had no intent of anything, when he minimised himself across his bed.

his mind is a merry go round, already worn out. he doesn't know if these feelings in the air are beautiful or wretched.

seonghwa had no intent of anything, before his phone rings to a call.

he looks over and reads your name across the phone screen. it was almost a reflex when he instantly straightened himself, grabbed his phone and answered.

"y/n? hello?"

“hey, seo- seonghwa…” you shudder as you say his name. “could you help me?”

oh how he missed your voice. yet, his full name sounds strange under your lips.

and only after a moment of communication on the phone, he grabs his keys off the nightstand.

˖ ࣪⭑

"sorry. i couldn't afford a tow truck," you speak through the call.

"no, don't apologise. i'm coming for you."

he's already driving through the dark, apathetic to his dishevelled state. as well as the speed limit.

you’re trapped on the side of the road with a broken down car. you happened to be without any other choice but to call him. and honestly, thank the fates that this was the situation.

“are you okay? its so loud, are you driving safely?” you say, hearing influx of seonghwa’s very own car horns.

“yeah. don’t worry. just a whole lot of mindless drivers,” he replies. people who couldn’t drive should get off the road.

as he speaks, he notices how exhausted his voice sounds, as though he hasn’t spoke in so long. but one couldn’t really get a chance to talk if there was never anyone to talk to.

more horns fill the air.

seonghwas hunches forward. he is on the brink of smashing the pedal, just to distract himself from his own overwhelming mind. the drive is so damn slow.

as he steps back, he cries, realising all is gone. "what about my friends? my parents? they all hate you. fuck it, they hate me too. im sorry. i just can't."

somebody blocks his way, and he punches the steering wheel. well, it’s more because of the memories that begin to trespass his head, however it is impossible for him to care less.

he hates himself for the way he took your vast, beautiful hope for granted during then. for how he was so dense, so scared to let his love take over his fear. and now that everything all had dissolved, he wishes he did something differently. so that perhaps the current state wouldn’t be so.

and so perhaps you wouldn’t be stranded in the middle of nowhere but a road, all alone, in the night. for hours.

you’re in trouble. and he is obliged to save you, be your hero, the way he used to, and the way he was always supposed to.

“are you alright? are you cold? do you have a jacket?” he asks through the phone, almost at your location.

he waits for a response, but he's only met with silence.

"y/n? hello? y/n??"

and there was still no answer.

his heart rate drastically increases. he's really smashing the pedal now.

"y/n,, answer me? please?? hello???" he shakes.

a hundred, a hundred and ten, a hundred and thirty.

he's so scared.

he's yelling over the phone at this point, but you're still not responding.

"Y/N!! FUCK," he yells, almost to tears, vigorously pushing his back against the seat as he continues the drive.

and when seonghwa sees your familiar vehicle in the far distance from his windscreen, he swerves his steering wheel to turn to the side. he doesn't care if he's too far to stop. he roughly slams his hand to the gear for adjustment and swiftly releases his seatbelt, stepping out of the door and slamming it behind him. he leaves his car resting diagonally out of the highway, half onto the grass, because he really doesn’t care about anything else right now.

he runs desperately towards you in the soft moonlight.

it was windy and cold while he’s wearing nothing but a thin shirt and trousers, when he appeared outside your car door, finally laying his eyes through the window.

his heart stops for a little bit, seeing you for the first time in what felt like ages.

he finds that you're asleep, and he's so relieved that you're safe. yet what currently alters him more is your mere presence right upon him. you look so fragile and so small, your knees huddled to your chest, and his stomach twists. you're prettier than he could ever remember.

and he misses you so, so much.

he gently knocks against your glass window.

and you gradually open your eyes to his panting, his wide eyed gaze, and the wind in his hair.

"y/n?"

he steps back as he watches your beautiful figure exit the car. you are thankfully wearing a thin jacket.

the moment you shut your car door, he walks over to you and engulfs you under a tight embrace.

oh how it felt for him, to hug you like this again.

"seonghwa."

he immediately noticed how you tensed up when he pulled your frame into his body, and he softly released you.

his heart breaks a little bit. he's so ashamed of his thoughtless actions.

he looks down at you, his heart twisting as he realised he was undeserving of your comfort, and takes a step back.

"my bad," he mutters under his breath, covering his face to accept the fact that he just messed up the moment he got to see you.

"no, don't worry. it's alright," you reply, smiling in a way which looks so obviously forced.

he doesn’t know what to say, as there was no excuse for the way he treated you. all he could do is look at you, noticing every little crack in your demeanour.

he guides you back to his car.

when you fell back into the structure of the road with him, the air was empty and silent.

you were unsettled of the vast tension.

"how are you doing?" you manage to say out loud, but even you flinch at your own words. a such normal phrase sounds so drastically different than it did before.

doing? how does he answer that question if he had done nothing for the past fifteen months and four days, supposedly since the day of when his love of his life had disappeared?

"i'm doing good. how about you?"

he swallows hard as he sees your lifeless expression through the corner of his eye.

he had always seen you uplifting and cheerful, yet right now he couldn’t fathom how you’re the same person. you appear so worn.

"i'm great. just a bit tired tonight."

he stares endlessly at the many lights flashing from his windscreen.

one could say it was awkward, but he is too dismantled to conclude this precious moment like that. he's happy enough that he gets to see you again, although he knows he shouldn't. but he hopes you feel the same too.

"how long were you there for?" seonghwa asks for an attempt to keep the conversation.

"well, since twelve."

he almost crashes to the car in front.

"what? are you alright?" he says. "the hell were you doing for four hours?"

"sorry. i mean.."

"no, why are you apologising? i'm just.. why are you-"

your instinct to apologise hits him greatly. seonghwa knew he was the reason for your anxiety, and he despises himself. he turns to you, and for a second, he sees all that he put you through.

"i should've listened to my friends," seonghwa tells you, broken in state. "you've done nothing but cause me stress."

he wants to throw up.

"what were you doing for four hours?? why did you have to wait four hours to call someone???" he asks with great worry.

"it was dark, and there was nobody i could contact. i called all my friends, and none responded. i assumed they were asleep."

although he is happier to find you again, it still hurts that his wound is severely reopened by this moment beside you alone. it hurts that he couldn't even blame your search for him. 

"i initially planned to wait until the next morning, but i lost patience. i called you, and you picked up almost instantly," you conclude.

after when you said the last sentence, he suddenly felt like you knew him too well.

perhaps you also knew that the sole reason he never falls asleep was because of you. because he is waiting for you. because he still loves you so much, he couldn't sleep bearing the thought of his feelings unrequited.

"you're safe now," he says.

you tighten, bringing your arms closer to yourself. "thank you so much. for this. seriously. i know i'm probably not the person you wanted to see."

"don't be sorry. please don't. i'm happy to see you again."

the moment was now quiet, but calming to the ears.

he felt lucky he didn't give up on the sunrise too soon. if fifteen dreadful months led to having an hour with you, he's more than grateful. 

he wonders if you feel the same. that you're happy too.

he wanted to convince himself that maybe you lied when you said you couldn’t afford a tow truck. that maybe, just maybe, you wanted to see him again.

"are you hungry?" he asks to fill the air. you must be.

"no," you reply.

"lets stop to eat."

"no, it's okay. i'm not hungry."

"you lie too much. you've been stuck in some damn car for half a lifetime. we're eating, yeah?" he says, and there's no stopping him.

truthfully, he did not care if you were uncomfortable eating with him. he felt selfish, inconsiderate. he panicked when he watched the gps get closer and closer to you're place. he only wanted to use this chance to find more time with you regardless, because he knew you would never come back to loving him no matter how hard he tries.

"fine," you admit. but it sounded like you really wanted to stop to eat with him. and he wanted to believe that.

"what about convenience store food?" he says.

he knows you love miniature food. it's far more accessible to have many small packs of diverse dishes, rather than otherwise.

you smile, and his heart flutters ballistic.

you laugh once you walk into the bright, empty store with him.

"i want sushi… i really craved sushi," you say, pointing to the aisle.

"of course you do," he smiles, following you.

you take a compact sized pack that's fairly cheap, and now it starts.

he waits there in the corner as you run around the small store, taking almost anything you think looks good. he watches you far happier than before, and he felt something in his chest that wasn't fear. more so, it felt like he finally released all that he carried.

seonghwa felt alive again for the first time after fifteen months.

"this!!" you suddenly come into sight, holding about six or seven packets of food that you almost struggled to carry.

"you want that?" he chuckles. "alright."

there was no queue, so he went straight over with you to pay. seonghwa gets nothing but a small coffee.

if he could at least be your friend again, there's nothing more that he could ever want.

he leads you out of the place, back into the car. he held the door for you.

"thank you," you say. "thank you so much."

"don't worry," he replies.

once he gets in the car, he views you opening your food. although he used to recognise himself as a mass eater, he doesn't remember the last time he did. his body is destroyed with nothing but coffee and water.

and when he starts driving, he watches you enjoy your food. he softens more than ever at the sight. 

"want some?" you ask, holding out a whole ice cream tub you're just scooping with a spoon. you're quite of a silly person.

seonghwa laughs. "i'm driving."

sooner or later, you hold up the same spoon of vanilla ice cream to his face. his heart beats faster before he takes a bite out.

"shove it in," you laugh at the way he's struggling. 

he tries his hardest not to laugh in order to properly eat the ice cream.

"goodness, you're so peculiar," he says after he managed to consume the load.

"no, you are," you say. "youre the strangest person i know."

he smiles and turns to you for a second, unable to say anything. "well, i dont eat my ice cream off its tub."

"i dont eat four ramen packets at once," you rebut, hitting his shoulder playfully.

"oh be quiet right now," he replies.

you laugh, scooping another piece straight from the tub.

"i don't care about that. i know its impossible, but i want to believe its possible," you say, with the eyes of the most warmth so generously offered to him.

and there the two are, acting as though nothing had happened between them, acting as two lovers.

˖ ࣪⭑

he follows you to the apartment complex you stay in, and he's unable to let you go.

as you say your farewells walk away into the building, he catches your wrist, and you turn around.

"i still love you. im sorry i messed up before," he whispers to you. he steps closer as he takes his slightly trembling fingers to guide a stray hair behind your ear.

you didn't expect the sudden confession. "seonghwa.."

he shuts his mouth. the way you hesitate sort of leaves him uneasy. he stops to look at you, to cherish this little time he has with you. who knows if this will be the last time he sees you?

no matter how far it hurts him to admit, he couldn't deny how beautiful you are.

"can we try again?" he says almost mindlessly. he felt like he lost everything with that sentence, and wishes he could take it back.

it was silent for only a moment. those few seconds were more anticipating than he had ever felt, he wishes he were gone.

you looked down, as though trying to find what to say. there was nothing but ringing in his ear, until you answered, "i’m interested in somebody else."

"im sorry," he mutters, shamefully pulling away. he covers half his face with his palms to look down upon for a second. it's shattering when he absorbs all your words, burrowing them deep under his anguished heart.

you moved on already?

"its okay." you reply.

who is this new man? is it your really close colleague he never liked? or your guy that's always been part of your friend group?

"why is it so hard for you to just trust me?" you yell, and it seems as the glass tipped over.

he lets go of his arms. "who is this guy?" he asks, almost instictively. he spoke more aggressively than he intended.

"i don't think you're obligated to know."

he tightens his eyes shut.

so fast. you’re so fast. everyone is so fast. it had been fifteen months, yet he’s still in the same place he was in those fifteen months ago.

you’re moving on, while he had stopped. how does he fill the gap that does not shrink?

you’ve really given up on him.

you like someone else.

it's all over.

he subtly bites his lip, stepping back. he couldn't even look at you anymore. "well, i..." he barely mumbles, his voice trembling. "i really wish i could be the man you fell in love with again. i really do."

you almost flinch, looking away from him. you couldn't believe he could say such a thing. you seemed like you pitied him, for how vulnerable he currently reveals to you. "i’m sorry. just... leave me alone for a bit, yeah?"

it felt like knives to his heart. "you want me to leave?"

his voice is breaking. he looks back up to you, trying so hard to find a hint in your expression that you wanted to take it back, even a tiny hint, but he couldn’t.

"if thats okay," you say, as he freezes at your words. he felt like he said something he shouldn't have. what if this is the last time? what if this is really the last encounter? is this the moment everything is said?

“okay. then i'll.. then i'll see you,” his voice slightly trembles.

"im sorry. i'll see you," you reply, watching him leave.

"i wish i was strong enough. for us,” he says.

seonghwa steps back, and follows hesitantly. he stares to the cold, stone ground, exiting the complex as all his instincts scream against him.

the way you speak is destroying him piece by piece. he doesn't want to step any further away from you. he could never accept that you no longer love him. but if this is what you choose, he couldn't really do anything.

his love for you is overflowing in his hands. who else could he give this to if you refuse it? it hurts to carry.

its okay. he’s is willing to wait more for you. for something to happen again.

but how long will it take?

[amalthea-13]

i am so sick of seeing stolas hate all over this stupid fandom.

yes, characters are worthy of criticism. yes, helluva boss is worthy of criticism. no, you don’t have to like every character in a show. but that’s not the issue here.

the issue is that the people who shit on stolas are media illiterate and give dumbass reasons like he’s classist or xenophobic towards imps or a shitty dad.

as a writer it completely melts my brain that people are THAT stupid that they watch a show zonked out of their mind and ignore any fucking subtlety thrown their way. i’ve had people read my writing who are the same way—they ask me questions and point out ‘errors’ that are super fucking obvious in the text but they don’t gaf except to criticize me.

i’m like…… why do u watch the show if u hate the deuteragonist THAT much? he’s not going away, he’s not getting punished anymore than he has. seeing people like “i hope their stupid sadboi owl suffers in s3 and gets a taste of his own medicine” is like damn bro u watched a character u hate get the worst punishment he possibly could besides death and ur still mad? ur mad that the show has sympathy for him? the second most important character in the show? do you even like this show???

these assholes can’t possibly comprehend anything that doesn’t fit into their black and white worldview. it’s the same problem with all those fucking idiots saying cheating is wrong no matter what.

as someone who also has a background associated with religious trauma, the people spewing that cheating is wrong no matter what just remind me of those sorts of religious people who will make very grand and wide sweeping statements without any exception. cheating is bad. abortion is bad. queerness is bad. etc etc

they sound like the very religion this show is criticizing. they sound like an old man unable to comprehend shows more complex than big bang theory.

sorry for rant you don’t even have to respond to this ask i am just sooooo sick of seeing a huge lack of media literacy both in and out of this fandom. finding ur blog was super fuckign refreshing im so fr

The Conception of This Blog and My Aggressive Approach

Truly it is funny to me how this blog came to be. Initially I wanted it to be my blog to interact with my Wattpad followers, but none of them came to join lol. Many of them have long since moved on from my fics about Radiodust lol. As have I so I made a post regarding Stolas and how people lacked nuance in regards to him simply because he is not a woman.

People had their fair share of opinions but the feedback was positive and therefore I went on to make the "Blitz Post". I aggressively went in on Blitz purely to get every ounce of anger and frustration due to my conversations with Tiktok Stolas Antis put in a singular post. Initially the post got some good reblogs and some nice comments- and then I interacted with a Tumblr Stolas Anti and had to SWIFTLY delete several comments or just got myself blocked.

This ensued my sequel post which dictated my style of writing for this blog. I decided if I was going to "die on this hill alone", I may as well commit. So I renamed myself to "The Aggressive Stolas Stan and Kin" to swiftly deter any antis who thought they could take me on, and swiftly but surely they funneled in.

Many came in with their baseless takes and poorly put together arguments and one by one I docked off each arguments with proof. The singular thing you will note on this blog is I always have receipts. Whether it be screenshots or GIFs.

Last night the only reason 1 of my replies didn't have GIFS or anything was purely because I was running low on energy because I had been writing for roughly 3-4 hours straight for an essay due as of this morning. I was arguing while sleep deprived and on top of that while writing.

Trust me, my wrists are on fire, but my point was made very clear yesterday, but I'll restate it here.

"Your homophobic, victim blaming rhetoric holds no power here."

The only reason I am stepping back from interacting with antis is for the sake of my mental health and for my audience. They have expressed to me that it seems distressing and concerning to my health. Therefore, I am stepping back to recover from 2 days of no sleep(essay related), and to recoup the braincells I've lost arguing with people who had the brain to body ratio of a dime on a fuckin' pool table.

My Aggressive Approach

All of my aggression comes from Stolas, but I argue this way because Blitz D!ckriders argue JUST LIKE HIM LOL! They think cussing or poorly put together arguments will deter a Stolas Stan from fighting back or that they can just be aggressive/stubborn and no one will fight back.

Hence why I cuss the way I do in my posts. For fucks sakes, I say the word fuck more times in a post than in all of S1 of Hazbin Hotel. Usually this style of writing feels beneath me just because it is "improper", but FUCK is it so much fun lol.

I just go off the handle and let myself express myself how I please. Truly, the aggressive approach was initially a joke, but it also reflects my speech patterns.

However, in my natural and calm habitat when discussing Stolas I cuss alot less in actuality. I just love talking about my sweet bird man. Love him so much.

Religious Trauma and Physical Illness

When it came to last night, a common thing I say is "this makes me physically ill", and that is never an exaggeration. The rhetoric thrown around regarding Stolas made me so sick I nearly wanted to puke. I was taking breaks between typing because of how bad it got.

Genuinely it is another reason I am stepping back from interacting with Antis. It does take a physical toll.

The rhetoric thrown around last night was petrifying because it all sounded like the same shit said to me in fucking church and I was the odd one out because guess what fuckers I'm trans and abrosexual. Talk about a fuckin' abomination!

Last night I was reeling with a lot of my trauma hitting me at once because of what I have seen and been through. Therefore, it did take a lot out of me. This is my 2nd day waking up with a headache, but I kept replying out of a sense of duty.

I invited it all since well I was reblogging and arguing with people, but everything I said was factual and therefore I didn't expect pushback.

That was my first mistake.

Therefore, it is why reblogs will just be me sharing art.

My Audience

From now on, I plan to keep this place as peaceful as possible. I am already planning my Symbolism Essay on Height in Helluva Boss. For now, I will be keeping things as light hearted as possible. A note for antis I will not always reply to asks anymore. While you may find it amusing, my mental health is far more important.

If anything I'll just reply with a GIF and leave ya as a lamb to the slaughter and let my audience tear ya a new one.

I have quite a few great minds in there.

To you anon, I do apologize for using your ask as a place to express myself, but your ask allowed me to reflect and breathe after a rough night. I do appreciate your sentiments and understand you fully. This blog is a place to Stolas Fans to breathe and was made for ya'll so please do enjoy yourselves.

However, I have exhausted myself enough.

Toodles! Amalthea Out!

[ganondoodle]

so, doing this as an extra post bc i dont want to spam op nor invite more disaster into their post (sorry)

(i get annoyed, i get frustrated, but i rarely get pissed off, so if this sounds aggressive to you, it is; i have had enough of arguing with people -even if most of that arguing has happened on twitter-)

someone had replied (and later apparently deleted) something along the lines of "well zelda wanted to restore hyrule at the end of botw and what is so bad about ganondorf always being the bad guy in the way that he is?"

so first off, while i know hyrule and KINGDOM of hyrule is often used as an equally interchangeable word to refer to the world there, i dont think she meant the kingdom or its or its monarchy when she said that (does she? i dont have the end in my head rn and pretty sure its a lil different than english anyway) and much more the LAND of hyrule, its still in shambles even if people have found ways to live with it- that is an interpretation of me mostly, you can think what you want in that regard idc

secondly .... im not gonna get into that rant bc you cannot be seriosuly asking what is bad about how ganondorf is presented, treated in the games (espeically in totk) and his role and "writing" (oh geez i dont know maybe all the racism and stereotypes?? also, frankly boring ass writing, if your villain can be replaced by a cloud of toxic goo incapable of speech and nothing would change except saving money for voice actors that dont fit the role that is not a great look- hes never gotten much but totk is a new low)

then theres this reply

astro-shark3113 replied: "You're kidding right? If she cared about reinstating the monarchy then why is the castle still in disrepair after five years? Why does she become a teacher and live in a cottage with her boyfriend instead of taking on duties as princess? She clearly wants to help people and be a leader but she can do that without wanting to be a Queen. Please be real"

i am not kidding and i AM being real, i think you need to look at the game without your rose tinted glasses for a second; the castle is still in ruin? what the hell do you expect, theres no soldiers and very few servants left, repairing anything is quite impossible in that time and frankly not a priority (not proof of her not caring lol) also there is a plan for it at the very least given the camps with the hyrule crest all over it in the ruins of castle town- we dont SEE her as a teacher, or living a "normal" life, that happens in between the game, its flavor text, what HAPPENS in the game is her being taught a lessson on who she needs to be and what hyrule needs to be (pretty in your face too, she gets sent to paradise past of the "first" king that is some supposedly godly thing from the HEAVENS and watches him and his queen die at the hands of the eviiil guy, the last scene in the game mimics perfectly the scene where everyone that god king got under his rule swears undying loyalty to her ffs); she does live in that house, but what other option is there, set up camp in the collapsing throne room all alone?? nigh everyone from that time is long dead and the only one she actually knows is link who happens to have a house (bc impa doesnt care i guess idk), with her ""boyfriend"" is also interesting, a "boyfriend" that apparently is locked in the basement, lives in the woods or straight up dematerlializes when theres no big bad in need of stabbing bc why the hell does no one fucking know him in hateno??? not even the kids that come to the house EVERY SINGLE DAY?? and taking on duties as a princess, she very much does? just bc she doesnt get physically carried around in a castle doesnt mean she isnt doing royal stuff (also, again, that happens BETWEEN the games, not actually in totk), she still sees herself as the princess, everyone calls her that, she herself calls herself that (if the memorial stones are anything to go by) and everyone listens to the most overtly stupid and nonsensical stuff that zelda puppet says (even her friends follow that order without even asking back???) after over 100 years of there not being a kingdom as such its pretty weird how everyone immediately, even the ones not alive for the calamity event, snaps into blindly following her orders

"she can still lead without being a queen", did we play the same game?? totk? TEARS of the KINGDOM?? (its zeldas tears, she IS the kingdom) that game?? the game couldnt be more directly telling you that its whole point is that royal family holy and good and how much everyone has to sacrifice to uphold the holy kingdom bc its the only thing that keeps evil man from overtaking it!! including turnign herself into a farmable, glorified stone pedestal for the entirety of the actual game and then that sacrifice not meanign shit bc she just gets deus ex machina'd back (i didnt need her to stay a dragon, though it would have been the better choice if she still didnt get an active part in the game i would kill for her to have been a capable companion instead of the stupid ghost sages, and you dont even get to actually do anything for it, it just happens), not even the nuclear pebble is lost, how great! she and everyone else that is a leader of their people has a nuclear pebble now!! they will not let a bad evil man be a threat ever again!! like the point to bring her back in that utterly unsatisfying way is that otherwise the royal line wouldnt exist anymore, its a blessing of her ancient ancestors!! woohooo!!

and the thing is, i LIKE botw zelda, i liked her character, that she wasnt the typically maiden princessy type, her struggle (even if i find the way she unlocked her powers lame), i do NOT like totk zelda, after the intro of the game she is a princessy maiden standing prettily at the side of the god king that rules the only thing keeping evil at bay, the level of how much totk disrespects her makes me mad on her behalf but i have ranted about that alone enough as well

and with this i am DONE talking about this game, i have ranted so much about it, made my points carefully clear over and over, said that i dont have the nerves left to be nice anymore about it given how much shit alone on twitter i had to live through just bc i dared mildly critisizing the damn game, if you comment some snarky "be real" thing again im just gonna go straight to blockign people bc i am done with this

[inchidentally]

not sure if this is gonna Make Sense but i think a thing that makes me Really Sad when it comes to wags is like. How We Usually Dont Have A Voice To Attach to them ? like in terms of privacy i understand the Benefit ? but idk im having a strange night and it’s just so bizarre when theres an influx of photos but no voice….. i hope this makes sense 😭

no babe I feel you more than I usually talk about bc I rant and rant and then delete

but life especially suckssss rn and I need a place to vent so

there's honestly no comfortable/authentic way for these women to exist bc either they completely withdraw and just appear places physically and only with their bf in which case their identity is only known for their looks and their relationship BUT social media and gossip accs will worship them bc gross misogynist things like "at least she's private!" "she supports him without drawing attention to herself!" "she obviously loves only being known bc she supports him!" "she's just a cutie who is so shy!" meaning isn't it ideal that she's beautiful, highly visible when associated with her bf/husband but also shuts her mouth, doesn't take up space as a personality with opinions and feelings, and her life outside of him is reduced to bullet points that are only used to rank her against other women. like yes she's now adored as a Peak Wag but at what fucking cost to her identity and sense of control. (and I'm sorry I dw hear it 'maybe she's just private and doesn't mind being in the photos' like that thinking is good for all of the people who pressure that woman into being highly visible but controlling nothing outside of her image - I understand why ppl want it to be the woman's choice and I would too !! but it's too convenient a get out for people who are very likely the reason she's decided that being seen but never heard is the safer option. kind of like tavi g*vinson's essay about britn*y spe*rs where men and certain gross woman said that any issue with her sexualization as a teen/young woman was 'stifling her' when in fact it was just exploitation hidden behind a facade of her own choice. is it possible a young woman is in control of her sexuality publicly? is it possible a wag is choosing to be publicly seen but never known or heard? I guess technically. is it more likely that society has left those women with no other options? definitely.)

bc the other side of that is the woman sharing herself to any degree and solely on her own terms but then having social media and gossip accs chew her to pieces until their version of her suits whatever parasocial delusions they want (do they worship her and want to wear her skin or are they jealous of her and want to destroy her) and trust me there is absolutely zero fair balance to a wags "faults" like I've seen a vague notion that maybe once someone might have said a wag was mean or not nice to someone once be lumped in w a wag who openly supports the r*ght wing or is friends w a terrible person.

and ofc it's all a nonstop tightrope walk when ppl worship and adore you as a wag but then one day deciding to flip and hate you/feel betrayed by you. this is why I had to make that post about the Lily Z fans going utterly insane and thinking it was cute etc when no, that woman is looking at women and girls shrieking about her at Oscar and flooding his and his team's comments sections w demands for more of her and trust me she's terrified. it's why I don't actually post her photos much bc while I'm adamant that landoscar fandom NEVER go the way of certain other ships and forget that these men have real, existing private lives - it's also uncomfy to post her or talk about her too much when she's only partially in the limelight and still so unknown by her her own voice yk? I have no problem w anyone else wanting to do that btw !! it's just me not being sure how I feel in terms of a woman whose privacy levels are what they are

(and just to be clear the fans leaving the odd comment on media that features Lily specifically and being sweet to her at races is not the issue - it's the going rabid and demanding about a woman you only know as pretty, an engineering student and being close to a famous driver. sorry but by that criteria there are plenty more women in that paddock to also go crazy over - and maybe some would like more attention than they're getting and F1A could rly do with that level of energy being given to them as well!! maybe if someone wants to form a fixation on Lily who they only know through a man then they can carbon offset by buying F1A tickets or merch and boosting engagement asflkgsalfjsgja like ultimately Lily and all women benefit from that! and racing pride has next to no mainstream support so maybe also show some specific love to lgbtqia+ drivers!)

usual caveat not ALL ppl in these fandoms but I can never be in c-rlando or d-ndo spaces bc they oh so casually out in public talk absolute sht about the wags and invent the most insane conspiracy theories to keep the pile of delusional sht from cooling off. there's also Other Reasons but the worst was the openly trying to dispose of entire human women bc it upsets their rpf fantasies

like you'd be amazed how tiny a percentage we are who simply want these women to feel as free and empowered as the men they're dating/married to when it comes to them being in control of the narrative that inevitably comes from choosing to be very publicly seen. and that apart from egregious offensive actions or remarks, we're going to be supportive of them without being weird.

and even worse is there's no way for us to be loud bc we're not obnoxious so there's no drowning out the noise. so yes, it's depressing anon but I hope venting helps us both a lil <3

.

.

*there's also a whole other topic of contention where yes, wags are technically able to go to races etc and not be seen and dodge cameras BUTTTT I hate when that gets pointed out bc it turns extremely gross and the whole "the best woman is the one who doesn't want any attention" and I start chewing concrete bc holy shit does fandom at large fucking HATE women so yea that's why I'm ignoring that !!! these women are allowed to enjoy how they look and choose to be publicly visible !!!!!!! (also bc the cases of that happening are about women who were strategically kept secret for problematic reasons and only found out by gossip accs)

[qvert]

...I dont want to be mean but you lowkey had a ✨️ tiny mental breakdown✨️ (not an actual breakdown more of a rant ) abt forgetting Vi's tattoo and no one telling you AND I LOVE THE ART AS IT IS ITS BRILLIANT ....but uhm did you forget the neck tattoo again?

I REALLY DO LOVE THE ART I SWEAR ON MY FAV AO3 WRITERS

Anyways honestly amazing work (imo you don't need to add it but you seem a bit like a perfectionist who goes into details)

....if i messed up (very possible) just delete the ask and im sorry o_o

Toodles <3

HI! No YOURE GREAT IM uh I mean I’m not even half way done with this one and the whole problem is that I always add the tattoo as the last thing so I still have clear view of all the skin while I do the shading BUT YOU KNOW WHAT you are absolutely right I shall just get it done now and I can always turn off the layer if I need to!

[kerosnes]

sorry I HAVE to yap abt that book (it’s so fuckckifng g good ☝️🧏‍♂️)

(maybe thoughts (about art) n spoilers for the book below)

rant 4 the book turned out to be vv long 😦

PETER IS LOWKEY BETTER THAN JOSH, IMA SAY IT 🤯

im not a really big reader (no shit, nobody my age really want to read), but this book is genuinely a really good one, even if it’s an erm romance book this is lowkey so embarrassing to say ts

yes PETER is hooking up w/ his ex, yes he only dates the mc lara jean to get back at his ex, but he actually does treat her well, even if they ‘date’ for mutual benefit.

peter might be like stereotypical in a sense (as stated multiple times in the book), but they slowly do start to like e/o

i might be biased but josh kinda doesn’t do it for me

peter and lara jean spend the most of the book together (even if it’s to benefit themselves), and josh is lowkey just the friendly neighbor who happens to be close with Lara’s family, especially since he originally got more close because he and Lara’s older sister dated

why are you here, reading me rant about this stupid book

ima delete this part tomorrow idgaf

edit: just phinished the book I might be wrong about peter 😦

—

ehehhhheeehe t rendering medkit medkit medkit

my posts aren’t popular idk

this is a small account <3

will still keep posting my interests n stuff, but it’s kinda hard when im burnt out from school and uh it feels like my stuff isn’t seen but WHATEVER I DON’T FUCIIGNGNFNDJN CAR E 🫡😔

busy thinkin bout grades n my future but maybe that’s cause I’m Chinese 💀💀💀💀

shit bruh this lowkey reminds me of my old acc!

[moreoopaque]

TW: Eating disorders, drugs

I feel like I honestly need to delete all social media. Especially ones that I make feedism content on.

I don’t think I’ll actually do it tho. But it just messes me up.

My ED brain is back. I want to restrict. I’ve been trying to the past few weeks to no avail. And have been resorting to binging again the last week or so.

I’ve been sober since starting HRT but I feel so dysphoric and weak from binging that I took pain killers tonight for the first time in months. I was tempted to flush them down the toilet this morning because I could tell the thoughts were there but I didn’t.

Idk. I miss seeing friends IRL. Or just being on campus. I feel really lonely, and while I appreciate being able to talk with others online it tends to veer into spaces where I get tempted to engage back with feedism.

I feel like I’m putting myself in a worse spot transition wise, like idk I want to do more to actively work towards passing but I can’t now. And I’m sick of it. I guess that’s why I want to starve myself again even though I’m afraid to lose weight. Why couldn’t I be born cis or at least have gotten on HRT before puberty hit. It’s hard to not feel disappointed in myself when I watch trans creators who pass flawlessly and started HRT pre puberty.

Im just ranting atm im sorry it’s just been not a good few days idk im rlly sorry.

And Im also sorry about not getting back to DM’s too I want to I really appreciate you 🫂