#im so so sooo sick of him i don't want to deal with him anymore i just want to fast forward 1.5 years and move out and
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i want to be the strongest most unaffected aloofest person ever but im literally the weakest saddest cries at every inconvenience type of person and man.
#i got tiny little bit fever just 100#and i can't find dolo#and it's making me cry#i miss my mom i don't want to grow up I HATE GROWING UP i need my mother to sit and#shake the thermometer because ive broken them twice and i want her to stare at the clock for 2 mins#so i can close my eyes as if im in the greatest pain known to mankind#it's fucking ridiculous how the littlest things stick with you#and my dad called out of the blue and he was like i miss you and i know it's just a plot he can't bear to stay alone there#and now that mom has done her time he needs me to be there#but it's fucking making me cry nonstop since the evening#i don't even freaking understand why i sit alone for 2 secs and start crying eveb tho my head is empty#i just.#fuck him for lying about missing me needing me hasn't he fucked me up enough#he told me he loved me in 11th grade and like. obviously it wasn't true#i remember arguing back then he was so angry he was like what is love to you and i was so young i didn't think about stuff like that in 11#and i said it's wanting the other person to be happy because that's the most basic thing i could imagine trying to make the other person#happy and being there for them#and he was like NO you're just a child love is respect love is when i tell you something is right and you believe me#i didn't think it was true back then and i really fuckjnv know that it isn't true now#and just. everytime someone says they like me love me i feel like it's a lie because well my dad both my parents really#say they love me and obviously it isn't true#they wouldn't treat me this way if it was#so like. god. pls you've done enough you've wrecked enough havoc i can't study i can't maintain friendships#i can't maintain loving relationships all cause of you#and the audacity to say you miss me after all this after jm sitting 21 years old just carefully trying not to think about dying everyday#he says sweet things and then as soon as ive agreed to him he immediately becomes the rude horrible selfish person he is#im so so sooo sick of him i don't want to deal with him anymore i just want to fast forward 1.5 years and move out and#i want him to stop having so much fucking control over me physically emotionally#im not even near my period ut JUST ended ige never cried this much without periods#it's so fuckung scary man crying and crying and crying and you feel like you'll never be able to stop
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I've been searching ways how to... you know. And i know how i'll do It. I have my mind set now. I've been thinking about doing It bf my 18 bday but my friend wanted my party to be a trip to búzios, which i thought was a good idea so i was gonna postpone... It. But it ALL feel apart as usual.
Sooo my dad. Have i talked about my dad? No? Well i love him, but he isn't a easy person to live with. I guees i never talk about him bc it's just too much. It makes me sad that i can't take his touch. That i flinch we he wants contact. It's just that he's too touching and i can't deal with that. I know he would never hurt me in that way. Ever. But it kills me that sick stuff is what i think about when he gets near. It's an uncomfortable feeling i can't push away when i'm near man. It's not him. It's man. He doesn't understand that and keeps pushing, hugging, squeezing, and slapping my but ass a joke, and when i reject him i'm a bad daughter that doesn't love her father.
We fight. A lot. Every. Single. Day. I hate It, he hates It, but i don't understand why he keeps touching on topics he knows will make us fight. He wants to change me and he doesn't like that I don't have the same opinions as him. He says i'm only doing this to piss him off, to confront him. He doesn't accept that i'm a person with my own mind and view of the world. We fought over politics so many fucking times it's ridiculous. He literally treats me like shit bc i'll vote differently then him. I swear that we have fought over politics EVERYDAY SINCE 2017. I can't do this anymore. I beg him everyday to stop bugging me over this but he just won't stop. Today I was literally doing nothing in my room, alone, I wasn't bugging anyone. He came by to lecture me once again over fucking politics. He said I don't know what I want and that once again I just want to go against him and that I shouldn't vote for who I want to vote. It's the same thing for over 5 years... I exploded ok. I talked back, I said I'm my own person and I vote whoever I want and that I don't base my life choices in going against him. I said I have a mind of my own. He got pissed at me and took my things from me. Said I was and insolent ignorant child and that I could forget my bday and forget my hair (I was going to the salon to fix it). That he gives up on me. That I'm dead to him. That if I want something I need to get a job. It's so bad I don't even want to vote anymore just so he won't hate me. I can't let him win this, this is exactly what he wants. He's a liar. He says he loves me and that I don't need to worry about life, that he never wants me to leave. But it's a lie. He wants me as long as I'm a little vertion of him. The second I have my own opinion he wants me gone, I'm nothing to him.
Now, I know I can't survive on my own, Im berelly even living as I am nevertheless having to provide for my own. I'm hanging over a theead and I'm this close of ending it all. I really can't do it. Every little thing is a motive for me to want to slice my arms off or swallow the entire pills cabinet. If I can't be here then I can't be anywhere. You don't know how useless I am without help. I stopped at a point and I can't evolve anymore. I feel like a child. I act like a child. I'm broken. I wish it was different but that's the truth. I can't count how many times I tried to end it all after our fights. It has to work now. My mind is set on the eve of my 18 birthday.
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