venusmlp

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if you mention star trek in front of me what happens next is your fault not mine

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autism has cost me so many relationships. I'm should just off myself

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i lost three friends in 24h

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so my best friend wanted to fuck my ex boyfriend aka the love of my life, the only boy that i ever loved. It's okay, I'm not mad at her anymore, I've dealt with it. But the feelings are still here.

To start this, diary. I have to update you on something. There's a huge possibility I'm autistic. And all my friends and peers think the same. Even my mom. I'm getting a proper diagnosis soon. I'm not gonna go in extent on how they pick on me over it or whatever, this entry is not about that. With that in mind, i have my noise canceling headphones, as one does, and i use it all the time. The problem is that people like to take advantage of me with it, telling me to put it on so they can talk shit without me listing. Sometimes about me! WITH ME AT THE TABLE! I'm not stupid of course, so I always debated rather i wanted ro hear the conversation or not. If it's none of my business, then I blast the music and let them talk in peace. But if the conversation is about me??? I'm gonna fucking hear it, my headphones aren't that good at canceling noise without music on. I'm not stupid. The day it happened i hear my friends talking shit like "i have a problem, i always take interest in the boys she [me] likes" "be with him, she doesn't need to know" "no. this boy? she would kill me". I immediately thought they were talking about my ex boyfriend and was in chock. But I have a hard time processing audio sensory information so I gaslighted myself thinking It wasn't what I thought.... it was.

Ok, I started to notice that he wasn't talking with me with the frequency he once did. At first I didn't mind, he has he's own life and i don't expect him to talk 24/7. I don't want to talk 24/7. But it got to a point that he wasn't even responding my tweets. That wasn't weird untill I realized that he was commenting on all her posts and her in his. She was talking about him frequently. AND THEY NEVER USED TO BE FRIENDS. that was suspicious of course but again. I pretend it was nothing... It was

In school for some reason, I don't remember why, the topic of "is it ok to date your best friend's ex" came up and they both said it's not a problem for them, they are cool with it. I said I wasn't and that i don't think it's a cool thing to do. Which is completely okay to think. People think that you know. Suddenly I was trapped in a 1 hour long hypothetical debate about how I was selfish for thinking like that, creating scenarios where it looked like i was preventing a beautiful love story from happening. (Spoiler, i wasn't. They were just horny teenagers) I explained that i love him (which they both always knew), i explained that he was not only my boyfriend at the time of the rape but also literally MY COUSIN'S BEST FRIEND (he didn't know what his friend did to me at the time, don't blame him) i explained how, because of so many reasons, he was a person very special to me, someone that is engraved in me and i can't help it. That he was off limits. Someone that i love. But still IT WASN'T ENOUGH TO CONVINCE. they called me a hypocrite for demanding this when I didn't do what they asked of me (which was something I recognize i was wrong, and once I finally understood it, i apologized sincerely). Still i was called selfish and i wasn't understanding why. Why were they calling me a hypocrite comparing something that actually happened with a hypothetical scenario? And then they said it wasn't hypothetical. That she was flirting with him and wanted my blessings. And of course I panicked. My fears were right, my best friend really did that.. it hurt so much and i cried like a baby in the middle of the classroom. she reassured me that nothing had happened yet and that she wanted to tell me the truth bf anything.

I of course said no. I said I wasn't okay with it. i cried. I said I loved him. The whole story brought back bad feelings and i was feeling bad again. really bad.

Okay couple of days passed and i did the Enem, had a shit performance in it. But fine whatever. Didn't talk with almost nobody after it. I watched tiktoks, sent it to my friends and went to sleep. The morning the first think I get after I wake up is a call from my ex boyfriend and my best friend.. fine whatever. We chat a bit, complain about the entrance exam and our grades and i say I don't want to go to the beach (my friend wanted to go) bc i hate the beach (everyone that knows me knows that i hate hate hate the beach) chat a bit more and we all said goodbye. we had gone to the beach like two weeks ago btw. It attacks my sensory issues i HATE the beach, i literally feel sick in it. last time I almost drowned. The last time I went to the Beach with my parents was like 5 years ago. The only reason I go today, is bc my friend likes it and i want to please her and make her happy. But I can't go often, i makes me have meltdowns. So I said no. But okay, some hours later I receive a text about how incentive i am. I didn't understand why but ok again. we resolved the situation. She needed me bc she was sad over the exam and wanted to go out, but I had not realized that with the vague information she had given me on the call. So I said no bc i hate the beach. I apologized. She also highlighted the fact I didn't ask my other friend how her exam went. i had actually forgotten to ask bc i was too stressed out, spent the day helping my mom and then went to the doctor. I wanted to apologize too but my friend said she was pissed at me and she had blocked me. I was also pissed at her bc of the whole ex boyfriend thing (she was committed to prove i was wrong for feeling the way I felt and let my best friend fuck my ex) but I wanted to resolve it so everything could be okay. She doesn't want to talk to me anymore bc she doesn't recognize my apology from the day of the hypotheticals, and apparently me being mad at her for the way she dealt with the ex boyfriend situation was unacceptable.

Summarizing it. Once again autism has ruined my relationships. Thank you, it's been my whole life. My difficults in understanding what normal people take from granted has again and again made people around me loose their patience and get mad at me. It's always "it's not bc you're autistic" but the reasons they use to why they're mad are almost ALL autistic treats. And I'm saying that about not only the reasons they used today but also almost EVERYTIME they had criticized me bf. They say how difficult if is.. imagine for me that has to live with it? don't they think I wish I could be just normal? that i would be if I COULD BUT I CAN'T? i always miss on social cues and have to hear they saying how wrong i am. for breathing. I know I'm not right all the time, i know. But Jesus i'm not perfect, i have a disability. i didn't choose this. I didn't choose to be like this. I care for them SO MUCH but omg idk if someone needs me if they don't tell me they need me. I just don't know. I need them to tell so I can help. But I can't guess it.

I'm broken, a failure, a disgrace and I'm gonna end up alone some bc of this shit

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i might just be a bad person, i don't even have energy to right on my own diary. I'm tired of my life, i should have ended it already.

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why is it always "it's okay if you're autistic, we accept you" and then when they get mad at me it's "it's not bc you're autistic, it's just that you *proceeds to list autistic treats* "

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I've been searching ways how to... you know. And i know how i'll do It. I have my mind set now. I've been thinking about doing It bf my 18 bday but my friend wanted my party to be a trip to búzios, which i thought was a good idea so i was gonna postpone... It. But it ALL feel apart as usual.

Sooo my dad. Have i talked about my dad? No? Well i love him, but he isn't a easy person to live with. I guees i never talk about him bc it's just too much. It makes me sad that i can't take his touch. That i flinch we he wants contact. It's just that he's too touching and i can't deal with that. I know he would never hurt me in that way. Ever. But it kills me that sick stuff is what i think about when he gets near. It's an uncomfortable feeling i can't push away when i'm near man. It's not him. It's man. He doesn't understand that and keeps pushing, hugging, squeezing, and slapping my but ass a joke, and when i reject him i'm a bad daughter that doesn't love her father.

We fight. A lot. Every. Single. Day. I hate It, he hates It, but i don't understand why he keeps touching on topics he knows will make us fight. He wants to change me and he doesn't like that I don't have the same opinions as him. He says i'm only doing this to piss him off, to confront him. He doesn't accept that i'm a person with my own mind and view of the world. We fought over politics so many fucking times it's ridiculous. He literally treats me like shit bc i'll vote differently then him. I swear that we have fought over politics EVERYDAY SINCE 2017. I can't do this anymore. I beg him everyday to stop bugging me over this but he just won't stop. Today I was literally doing nothing in my room, alone, I wasn't bugging anyone. He came by to lecture me once again over fucking politics. He said I don't know what I want and that once again I just want to go against him and that I shouldn't vote for who I want to vote. It's the same thing for over 5 years... I exploded ok. I talked back, I said I'm my own person and I vote whoever I want and that I don't base my life choices in going against him. I said I have a mind of my own. He got pissed at me and took my things from me. Said I was and insolent ignorant child and that I could forget my bday and forget my hair (I was going to the salon to fix it). That he gives up on me. That I'm dead to him. That if I want something I need to get a job. It's so bad I don't even want to vote anymore just so he won't hate me. I can't let him win this, this is exactly what he wants. He's a liar. He says he loves me and that I don't need to worry about life, that he never wants me to leave. But it's a lie. He wants me as long as I'm a little vertion of him. The second I have my own opinion he wants me gone, I'm nothing to him.

Now, I know I can't survive on my own, Im berelly even living as I am nevertheless having to provide for my own. I'm hanging over a theead and I'm this close of ending it all. I really can't do it. Every little thing is a motive for me to want to slice my arms off or swallow the entire pills cabinet. If I can't be here then I can't be anywhere. You don't know how useless I am without help. I stopped at a point and I can't evolve anymore. I feel like a child. I act like a child. I'm broken. I wish it was different but that's the truth. I can't count how many times I tried to end it all after our fights. It has to work now. My mind is set on the eve of my 18 birthday.

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Hi diary. To simplify, I feel like shit. As usual. Anything can set me off at this point, anything can make me feel miserable. I'm that unstable. At this point I wonder If I'm not actually just waiting for something to go south so I can be like.. this.. about It. Started SH which is pretty bad but I can't stop. Should cut my big ass Knife nails off to stop using them (who thought they could make scars hun? Shit)  but i don't bc i know that if i do i'll just find something else to sh with, which would be worse than it already is. Worst part is that I need to hide It with long sleeves but it's hot af in here and I'm suffocating. Also the fabric rubbing in the cuts feels like sandpaper against sensitive skin. It hurts like a bitch. It doesn't while I do It, but it hurts so bad when the adrenaline passes. Too graphic? Sorry, it's the truth. 

Today I locked myself up in the school bathroom for like an hour and a half. They had to come look for me (at least they care a bit). Anyways,  the school's monitor found me and asked If I was doing anything wrong in there but I said I wasn't. I lied of course. It started bc my friend was SA and I can't deal with It. Haha, very funny. I hate myself for not being able to help her. But *this* is too triggering for me and i CAN'T deal with It. I try to help her and I bury my feelings real deep deep down so they won't matter. and i cut to stay stuck in reality. And i keep yelling in my head "IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU". It truly isn't. I'm her best friend, i'm the one that's supposed to comfort her. To take care of her. But i'm doing a terrible job at that. I can't be selfish. It is selfish of me to try to shift the subject and attention to me when she's in trouble. So i don't, and i try to be there but i fuck up. I fuck up a lot. Bc how can i help someone with something i don't know how to deal with myself in the first place? oh best friend, you sad? Cut your wrists off, It makes It better. The fuck????? I'm a bad influence jesus (i didn't actually say that and never would, but still). I try i really do, but i'm far too gone to be of any help. And it cuts my soul to be this useless. Hell i couldn't be there for her in a stupid açaí trip. Oh you sad? Sorry i can't go with you and confort you, i'm having a crisis bc your trauma triggers my trauma and i really need to go back home and watch my stupid super hero movies to try to stop sh bc they're the only things that calms me. It's not her fault, i hate myself for being this selfish. all she hears is "i can't be there for you bc i need to watch stupid ass movies that i have seen a hundred times already with my mom". It sounds selfish, It is selfish. It's not about me. And now my arms fucking burns and i can't wear short sleeves.

The worst part (If It can get any worse) is that I had a light at the end of the tunnel. The Thor Love and Thunder premiere that i was gonna watch with my parents and my other best friend that likes Marvel. But she canceled the day bf (after having already bought the ticket a month before) to go to some church shit. Idk. And my dad also didn't want to go last minute bc i mixed the days and forgot to warn him earlier about It. We still had more than an hour but he still didn't want to come (I FUCKING BOUGHT THE TICKETS A MONTH BEFORE). I just started crying like a baby bc it was supposed to be my light. My Hope. But it fell apart. I felt like no one cared. Maybe just my mom. I went just with her and I couldn't stop crying till we got to the cinema. She asked me why i was crying, It was stupid to cry bc of this and it's my fault for not being more organized. My friend had a last minute commitment that was more important than me, my dad just didn't want to come. They don't get How much i need this movies to live. At least the movie brought me a momentary bliss. God, I'm so selfish. That's It, that was my day.

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I have a question. Is It wrong to feel drawn to scenes of sexual assault or allegories to It in media, inflicted on characters, mainly women that i like, as a rape survivor? It's like a dark attraction and morbid curiosity to it. I hate them, but I expect them and can't help to feel subconsciously disappointed If It doesn't happen. And when they do happen my reaction is always either comic indifference or morbid fascination. Am i sick?

Also every piece of media that i love has it in some way. Am i subconsciously surrounding myself with my trauma or is it just the media industry that is fucked up and obsessed with overpowering women? especially in sci-fi

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Saw my ex gf on the cinema today and now i can't stop thinking about her. Everything just came back crushing.

I didn't speak to her, she was with her bf so It was very awkward, i didn't even say hi. And know i can't help but wanting to text her. I know i should't and i won't. I just can't help it

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Got my friends back. A lot of shit happened. Some resolved themselves some didn't. My mom knows about... that. So that's fun. Also people are at me at school bc i apparently I accused a boy of sa but i never told that to anyone but my two friends. (Not my cousin, another boy) And they didn't tell anyone either so we have no clue how that got out. And now the boys hate me. Good good

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I'll be 18 soon and i basically lost my friends... life is good

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I'll be 18 soon and i basically lost my friends... life is good

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It kills me that i don't have the mental capacity to study. I can't do anything, i can't focus and i can't understand a single subject in school. My knowledge ends in 2019. I'm too stupid to do that fucking stupid stupid nacional test. but my best friend somehow finds a way to study every day it's truly remarkable. And now she's gonna do another test to go to a vip class in another city and will probably pass It and I'll be alone. Completely. Isn't life great?

Yes yes i am a selfish and egocentric pussy for wishing her fail. i know that.

My mom wants to be my best friend. She begs me to talk to her about what happened with me and tell her what's wrong. She says i can trust her. i want that too, i want to believe in her and i want her to be closer to me. But i can't. For some reason i want to protect.. him. I've already ruined his relationship with my father and my "friends" who once were his too (well after that not anymore right) i don't want to ruin It with my mom too. precisely bc she always hated him regardless, It would only do no good. She would have a real motive to truly hate him and this can't be good.

But why do i care?

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haha look at myself... I had no idea

I'm so close of having a boyfriend. i can't believe i am actually really happy.

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HOW DO I MAKE IT STOP I DON'T WANT TO BE 17 THAT'S TOO OLD

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i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life fuck covid i just want normal life back i can't take this anymore how do i end this