#im so paranoid about being a childish adult tho

[milk-boy]

just came on my perioooooood. experiencing inner turmoil invalidly

[liliallowed]

I dunno man fandom stuff is weird. I always abide by the rule of: if I don't like it I won't go see it. if i like it I'll be there.

and like this thing comes and goes sometimes I'm comfortable with that stuff sometimes I avoid it like it's lava on the floor.

so like for those who like some stuff or may have some questionable interests? like... from an outsiders perspective who's not familiar with utmv sans-shipping can bee seen as weird.

do I question it? no because we can't clone ourselves and make out with those clones at least the versions of ourselves from a different dimension...

(yet. unless the sci-fi futurebans these fics... that would be actually friking cool and funny ngl. would that e a perversion or just a different way of perceiving a different being as a different person with the same face...hmmm)

it's usually about adult content too.

I don't touch that. and if I do I make sure it's extremely light for the sake of my self.

that doesn't mean I hate hardcore smut blogs tho. you do you man. I will run away in terror but I admire your confidence and you will be getting a thumbs up from me from a distance where I don't see it. I'm not gonna police people just cuz I'M uncomfortable with it.

but then there's the issues of me not really recognizing where the line between strange interests and pervertedness is. like I'll be honest?

to me most sexual stuff feels... icky? so like I can't tell what's morally reprehensible more than the other? Im just sex repulsed unless I'm specifically looking for something specific for kissing references.

and like I don't dive into it to see if it's encouraging abuse or... idunno. doing bad things and glorifying it. I usually don't dig that deep because the sexual aspect is like a lili detergent.

as for blogs who do pro-shipping... uhm I don't know how I feel? I know they're probably getting hate messages and messages telling them to stop and they're a freak anyway so what good do my words do?

so like... I can never have a clear conscience about this.

I hate pro SHIPPING. the act itself. it's weird to me but I can't really bring myself to judge people who do it. I don't hate the person. I think it's kinda childish to reduce an entire human being to just one label?

[ohohoh lili supports proshippers ooooooh lilis mask is slipping]

if you think that please unfollow me. not because you're words are true they're not. but because I'M angry you think that way. I don't support pro-shipping but I'm not willing to bend over backwards to be afraid of losing followers. you're on my blog. and if we moots you deserve my sincerity.

the fandom is a dirty place. shouldn't that be expected? I mean?

or maybe I'm being stupid because I was exposed to r34 bullshit of this fandom as a kid and it's been normalized in my head.

idunno why I'm writing this I guess it's the imposter syndrome again.

being paranoid of offending people or being deceitful.

[nutal]

Okay, before i start to explain on what the HEIGH is going on inside my tiny little cranium of mine, the Adam angst (my headcanons) I invented is pretty much inspired by multiple stuff on tumblr, so it may not really be original + it may age as bad as milk (tho idk if it really matters, the angst was just made for fun and nothing else, im just here to share my imaginary scenarios with u + i started typing this whole ass paragraph essay at school + it may prob go against canon but these are just theories for fun soooo ye here we go)

T W: intense angst, may delve in some serious topics

Lemme start off my storytelling with the magical, splendid place that is so-called “The Garden of Eden” This is the place where Adam and Lilith were born from the very specks of dust (a very splendid way of saying that they just *POOF*, appeared out of nowhere).

Now since Adam and Lilith were God’s creation, it’s pretty obvious that the both of them would be prideful and childish, even if Adam and Lilith were created as adults (not really their fault, they were barely just created and are just babies in adult bodies about to be traumatized later on in life + they’re kinda in a forced marriage when u think about it)

While Adam (the dumbass) was like: “I do what I want UvU” in a dumbass, but funny way, Lilith was like: “I do what I want UnU” in a more subtle and feminine way.

I can just imagine Adam being like: “Yo, Lilith, I’m gonna climb up that tree bc i want to!” and Lilith being like: “Bro, no, you will literally fall off of it, because you don’t even know how to climb, you fucking dumbass.”

Adam climbs up the tree anyway and falls flat on his face and Lilith just face slaps herself bc Adam is a dummy.

One day, Adam and Lilith would meet the angel “Lucifer”, basically Luci wanted to visit the humans bc he was curious. Of course, the 2 would be really excited to meet Luci, and they would have a lot of fun together, playing games and such, especially Lilith, who basically all of her attention to Lucifer, ignoring Adam’s existence completely. Even to the point of ghosting Adam for days just to hang out with Lucifer. Adam would notice this, and decides to confront Lilith about this.

Adam keeps asking her why she has been so distant with him, but Lilith keeps denying, being like: “Dude, stop being so controlling! Mind your own business, and stop being so paranoid!”

Adam: “BRO, EVER SINCE YOU’VE HANGED OUT WITH LUCI, YOU’VE BEEN GONE FOR DAYS ON END WITHOUT EVEN TELLING ME ANYTHING! ARE YOU NOW WITH LUCI OR SOME SHIT?!”

In a moment of absolute annoyance and fury, she snapped: “WELL, MAYBE I AM! HE’S SO MUCH BETTER THAN YOU AND I LIKE HIM WAY MORE THAN I EVER LIKED YOU!”

At that moment, Adam was just… stunned. Those words coming from Lilith hurt deeply.. and i mean, REALLY deeply, not only because it hurt his ego, but he actually really liked Lilith, so hearing this, it really just, destroyed him.

Lilith: “I NEVER NEEDED YOU ANYWAY!” As Lilith fled from The Garden, Adam yelled at her in the distance, trying to hold back his tears: “I NEVER NEEDED YOU EITHER!”, turning his back to the opposite direction and crying silently.

After the incident, God decided to give Adam a second chance, in exchange for a rib (Adam’s rib), and created Eve. His second wife. Now Eve, Eve was a little more special. While Lilith was more upfront and independent, Eve was the opposite, being dependent and really sweet. At first, Adam would be cautious at first, but eventually, starts to fall in love again, in fact, he fell harder for Eve than Lilith.

Lilith’s abandonment pretty much caused him to not only be really protective towards Eve, but also more affectionate and caring. Cherishing her more than his first wife. He was happy again.. at least for a while.

You see, in The Garden of Eden, there was a mysterious tree, to which there was something whom God warned Adam and Eve not to taste from: “The Fruit of Knowledge”. Not only did it grant free will to whoever takes a bite from the apple itself, but also show them the difference between right and wrong.

Eve, being as sweet as she was, was also very curious about the apple, but Adam would always warn her NOT to eat the apple. Ever. Eve would beg him to let her take at least take one bite from it, and maybe even Adam taking a bite too, to which Adam always said: “No.”

Eve: “Please?”

Adam: “No.”

Eve: “Pleeaassee?”

Adam: “No.”

Eve: “Plllleeeeeaaaasseee?”

Adam: “No.”

Eve: “PlleeEEEEAASSEE?”

Adam: “No.”

Eve: “PLS PLS PLS PLS PLS”

Adam: “No.”

Eve: “PLS PLS PLS-“

Adam: “NO.”

Eventually, one day, Adam would wake up to see that Eve was not next to him. He starts having a panic attack and tries desperately to look for her. Meanwhile, Eve just decided to stay next to a tree, being pretty upset that Adam wouldn’t let her taste the apple.

Then, Lucifer and Lilith see Eve. In Lilith’s mind, Eve is another victim of Adam’s controlling behavior, like her. So, to help her out, she tells Lucifer to give Eve The Fruit of Knowledge. Luci agrees, and shows Eve the apple.

Eve gets really enthusiastic, and despite Adam’s warnings, her curiosity got the best of her, and eats the Apple.

When Adam finds her, it’s already too late, Eve already ate the apple. Adam would be mortified to not only seeing Eve eating the apple, but also seeing his first wife, Lilith, and Lucifer. Eve immediately realized her grave mistake, but then basically, the roots of sin would reach earth and humanity as a whole, and from there, God would tell her that she’s banished from Eden and she falls down to earth… but then realizes.. that Adam fell with her.. even is he hasn’t ate the apple, he still decided to fall with her.

After Adam and Eve have fallen from Eden, they pretty much had to struggle to survive and it wasn’t easy. They had to actually hunt down for food, even killing some animals in the process unwillingly. Eve would start to become really bitter and cold with him. Adam also noticed this, but not wanting to lose Eve like he lost Lilith, he wouldn’t confront her like he did with her. But eventually, she leaves him aswell. Adam would desperately try to find her to no avail. He would start breaking down, his world would start spinning. Feeling as if.. as if he wasn’t good enough for anything… for ANYBODY… that he’s worthless… and has no purpose. Eventually he would die because of starvation and grief…

Then.. he wakes up to see that he’s… in the middle of nowhere. He notices that now, he has golden-like wings and a halo on top of his head. A tall silhouette would appear, revealing to be none other than “Sera”.

Obviously, Adam would be cautious at first, but the Seraphim would tell him: “Greetings, The First Man. I’m Sera, the High Seraphim. Congratulations for being the first human soul to arrive up in heaven!”

Adam would be surprised, but then ask: “Huh?.. wha?..But, what I am doing here..?”

Sera: “I’ll show you, follow me.”

Adam still being gullible as.. heaven? (PUN) would follow Sera, all the way to a… room. Then, Sera would show him his robes and his, uh, exorcist army (that just *POOF*, appeared just for his role), but.. most importantly.. his LED mask.

Sera: “You are now promoted as the Leader of the Exorcists, Adam.”

Adam would put on the robes, still not really knowing what’s going on, but he just accepted it. Then, Sera would explain to him in more details about what he’s supposed to do in his specific role (basically saying that he has a harem army of killing machines, that kill Lucifer’s and Lilith’s citizens [sinners] every year to quote on quote ‘protect heaven’, but saying it in a splendid way)

And.. this made Adam feel.. absolutely empowered, being able to take revenge on Lilith and Lucifer by exterminating sinners in hell every year, …and.. in his own twisted sense of mind.. he was able to have a purpose again…right? He eagerly puts the mask on, without even questioning whether this was even right or not, for he doesn’t even know the difference between right and wrong. (Nightmare moon phase coming up rq)

And because he felt.. like he had a purpose again, thinking that.. maybe he still had importance to someone or something, he truly respected Sera, and never even DARED to question Heaven.. bc thats basically his purpose.. and if he questioned it, its kinda game over.

The kinda disturbing part about this is that, if he didn’t eat the apple, that would mean he doesn’t have free will. Which basically, he didn’t even choose to do this kind of thing, he just went to heaven by default and becomes the leader bc ‘he dah first man’ without him actually having any kind of saying to this. Kinda like a puppet on strings, if you think about it. (but it’s a game theory so i digress)

Also like, considering that angels and winners probably just showered him with blind praise, not even really addressing his actual issues, so basically, his deep emotional wounds barely got any kind of healing (if not even more), and his narcissism (being his possible coping mechanism after just drowning in negative emotions for so long bc heaven doesn’t even really care for him that much) continued to grow stronger and stronger, until it was basically his other identity. Basically kinda like Nightmare moon, where Luna basically drowned in resentment and became Nightmare moon, Adam drowns in the negative emotions of “not being good enough”, so he creates some kind of ‘shield’ to protect himself from ever getting hurt deeply again.

I remember when I watched JaidenAnimations video: Why I don’t have a “face reveal”. That video alone.. it basically made me realize that people could be struggling without even having the slightest realization of what’s going on. This also reminded me of Adam, then I thought that.. maybe,.. maybe Adam also feels kinda the same way as Jaiden, lemme explain further:

So, in JaidenAnimations video, she basically explains on how her standards became so high that she was TERRIFIED of ever having a face reveal bc she had a deep fear of disappointing everyone around her. (I still thank u Jaiden, hope u doin well bro, i love ya 👍👍)

There could be a possibility that, Adam may have had such high standards for how he needed to look, since he didn’t really looked like other angels, he just looked like a normal guy, that it became an insecurity for him and he basically just hides his face with his LED mask, terrified of what others may think of his actual face.

god, this took a whole DAY to write this and i may have still not executed my ideas well, or may have missed some ideas cause i forgot, but hey i tried, im gonna take a breath bro- *inhales oxigen tank intensely*

OH MY GOD THIS IS CRAZYYY YOO HOLD ON??? Dude omg yes yes i def agree he would fall WAYYYY harder for Eve than Lilith and I absolutely see what you mean that Adam and Lilith were like a forced marriage type situation cuz i mean yeah they literally did LOL. Adam for sure genuinely cared for Eve though, they had something a lot more special and I can only imagine how badly that must’ve hurt for Adam when she ate the apple and left after him begging her to NOT do that!

And yes yes YES him feeling empowered after becoming head of the exorcists being able to take revenge in that way like RAAAGHGHGEHH HELL YEAH!!

And I have ALWAYS been a huge believer in Adam using his narcissism as a coping mechanism from the very start. Like that just seems very on point and canon to me. Because this man is very clearly insecure, you can just tell. Especially with the whole mask thing, which I’ve actually brought up in the past. But yeah, this dude does not like people seeing his face. He def def DEF feels very average or even below that so he covers up for it through constantly flaunting about how great he is n shit so that nobody’ll suspect a thing.

THANK YOU FOR THIS ESSAY BTW I LOVED EVERY BIT OF IT AND AGREEEE!

[makahimetenshi]

Fooling around together - Paladin Danse x Sole Survivor Fanfic

This is the 5 part of a series of fics im writing lately, the order will be:

May I use your shower?

Volver a tener algo

Addicted to Chems

This one: Fooling around together

Traumas at the Commonwealth

Being awake

Since im in a rampage writing with this new ship I want to make some announcements

If you are very very very delighted with one fic and want a continuation I didn’t write or post you can donate me at least $5 bucks, most of this fics have next chapters I don’t finish because lack of motivation but hey a $5 is a $5, I see a few reviews and coments that fics that are abandoned months laters receive coments of wanting to know what happends next. Here it is, I finished my handling with you all, enjoy the fic

  Danse didnt know how much of his life was actually…his life…

There was Haylen and Rhys since all the other members of his squad died under his command…theres also the registers on the brotherhood…but he cant access anymore since he was banished and there also was…

Nate.

But he didn’t have much record, a few months maybe.

Now and on he has Nate to count on him, of course the man wouldn’t only be a register of his existence but…he is a relieave proof of existence…

Maybe Nate can ask about the registers of his ADN on the brotherhood files but…

Danse sighted, he didn’t know how to ask that…

He didn’t know a lot of things. He was so unsure of everything…well Nate also was unsure, more paranoid than anything…

But now he had him, and Nate refused to let him go despite his true identity

-I love you beyond that-the man said to him in an ocation he was having a dark episode, is not like he didn’t care or take it on consideration but…-I love you Danse- love was stronger

A blush appeared on his face, and when it was time to came out his thoughts…

Ok it was 19hs and they were lucky to find an abandoned house with  the walls in almost acceptable state, the rest of the house of course had already been looted and scrapped but…having 4 walls to sleep was a start, at least to avoid the commonwealth animals around…it was getting dark and they needed a place to sleep for tonight, Nate learned the bad way to not  travel at night so when Danse said a few hours ago to start looking for a place to settle…he obey.

It didn’t pass much time since…they confessed, and expend together their first sleep, it wasn’t a big thing tho, just a few blowjobs and handjobs, this days weren’t nice and they didn’t find a nice spot to sleep or bath, at least he can think that’s the reason why they didn’t advance much…there was rush there was definetly rush but…Nate wanted to stop, and he was fine with it, but it makes him wonder what was happening since the vault man was the one who started…and seem more hungry of his body even but he always wanted to stop at some point…

Tonight…he sighted…well it was still an awfull place for that…maybe that was the reason? A special place and ocation? It was weird since they were both pretty adult man and that was…a really childish reason…a hygiene thing? Sure they didn’t bath but sometimes Danse think that Nate was going to devour him and then stops!

Grieve? He was a widower after all…maybe he is dealing with some feelings…

The house they were now setted…was weird…small, one of that classic wood American houses of less than 10m but two floors…beautifull garden and terrain but small house, as he saw in Santuary Hills Nate had one completely different, modern, he will say,  large with a low height but 4 rooms…this was weird because you enter, see the living room with the table and tv for family dinner,  a little kitchen to the side… a door out to the garden…a circular stair to go up and two bedrooms but…where the hell, where the hell where the bathrooms!? This was weird!

Not like he didn’t care about the poor choices an arquitec made building this house 200 years ago but this was weird, and a lot of houses around the commonwealth have the same problems, you see that wooden furniture full of decorations…so this people had money…but not a bathroom!

-Are you done with the checkings? –scream Danse to the upside floor, they went in the house and agree that there was no much time to keep wandering at open field to walk, so better just take this one to sleep and make a fire, but but but always was important to check out, you never know when theres a feral ghoul sleeping under the bed…maybe he was a normal person until a week ago an just transformed while cooking and out of nothing you get a bit on the neck trying to rip you off, so the procedure to find a place to sleep was…

1- Find a place

2-Check open spots on the rooft, find a place to put a bed

3- Look out for people, ghouls, or some animals

4- Loot if theres anything

5- Secure doors and open windows

6-Step out the power armors and park them in front of the door the room you are sleeping

7- ?????

Finding a place with a bathroom was secondary tho, there wasn’t much of that around so better not have hopes about it…

I mean they can poop in a bag and trow the bag away from a window at least, of course that wasn’t the best but is not like there was another option…

-Seems fine…theres a lot of furniture we can use to seal the windows, help me with the power armor- As soon he went up the stairs Nate was waiting for him with a wooden table flip to the side –help me to move, I preffer to not have sunlight than let a pack of flys get inside in the night –the ex-paladin nooded and help the new-paladin to place the table as a woodenboard –theres that drawer, crate,  organizer and bookshelds…none of this windows have glass so…-again, the ex-paladin noded like he was the soldier under the commander officer…but he was now so, better help…

Once the original order of the room has been complete changed in order to protect their asses, practically boarding the entire room booth looked at their work, Nate sighted.

-There are some matress here we can use? Or better unpack the sleepingbags?

-Nono…apparently two adult people lived here, no childen, theres one matress on each room, lets pick them, move them here and trow the beds into the stairs, I don’t thrust the entrance of this house, better have the way blocked.

-And how are you planning to get out the house in the morning? We cant just make our way out with the power armors its difficult to move and punch stuff, better not get stuck.

-Lets jump from the windows, we are not that high from regular ground, but imagine if some raiders have in the night the same idea as us, these roads at not so lonely as you may think, theres a lot of caravans also so better make this place…unusable for any one that isn’t us…after all this house doesn’t have a bathroom what the fuck

Danse giggled, he had his same idea, it was silly because it was an obvious thing to notice but…it melted his heart.

-Let me force the door, put a booksheld in the front, get up and then we are trowing the beds down and let them crash okay? –Nate nooded and Danse went down, as he see around  the little kitchen still have the refrigerator, so with the power armor strength he took out the steel door, use it as a block on the main door of the house, and then, just for security, picked up the entire refrigerator and trow it to the entrance, crealy blocking the way out…

Well there was open windows around the living room…but thing wasn’t to let people know they were setting up for the night so the less scandal they do the better, after all it was just a place to sleep…just 8 hours and out it cant be that difficult…he went up and meet his partner, then both went to the room and pick up the bed each one from one side, moved a bit to the stairs to position and…Danse kicked it down the stairs, obviously the crash against the bars and walls make the furniture break and collapse, making a mess difficult to clean up. Then the process was repited with a second bed, and now there was two broken wood beds in the middle of the stairs, blocking the way to the first floor of the house, if anyone wanted to surprise them it would surely have to explode the entire floor to make them come down.

That was unlicky to happen, possible yes but pretty crazy also…

Behind him, Nate went to pick up another booksheld with the hands of the power armorand kick it where it was the start of the stairs, moving it, still blocking the way, more even, surprising Danse at the harsh sounds of everything crashing and breaking.

The man was paranoid lately.

-Help me with a second one-said the man looking to anoooother booksheld not so far but…

-Don’t you think is enough with this? If we block out the only source of air we left we might intoxicate if a fire starts or something

-I mean its not like the room is hermetic but…you have a point, alright –then, Nate take out his headpiece, letting it rest over his hands –lets go to the room, im all sore from walking in this all day

The ex-paladin laughted, his partner never was a fan of using a  power armor, too much worry he said, it breaks so easy he said, it uses so many materials to repair he said…so winy.

He started wearing all the time after they left the brotherhood behind…well Nate didn’t say he did

Danse sighted  at thinking in that and went into the room, the procedure was as always, close the door, block it with drawer and then park the power armor in front of the furniture that blocked the way…Nate did that, apparently in a hurry to be normal again and not a steel doll, the man still have his fusion core on the hand…

-Want me to have it for a bit? –Danse offer his best help at seeing him so exhausted, but it was useless, since he came back from the institute he always looked this way.

-No, just came off yours so I can hide your fusion core too, park it in front of the matress, back to us like always.

The ex-paladin was actually happy of having this security procedures together, it went all one day that one caraban stole one of Nate power armors…the ones he collected at Santuary Hills…he always left them with the fusion core on until a woman name Carla stole one and refused to get out, the vault man didn’t want to kill her but he went sure to make a few holes on the armor with a  carabin…..

Still, not enough to scare her and have the armor back so…never a fusion core at anyones reach, too risky

He did as he was told, after all Nate was a paladin now and he was a…citizen of the commonwealth…not a paladin anymore…damn he broke his ass for that title…but Nate too, still he didn’t have to obey him for that but it was time to rest anyway, the day was long and difficult as most days wandering in the wastelands…

Danse sighted at coming out the power armor, and then feel the other man hugging his waist, placing his cheek over his arm, the ex-paladin place a hand over the one on his waist and smiled, Nate craved sometimes for the touch, he didn’t like being separated with the armors.

-Do you want to start a fire or better eat some cans?

-Lets eat cans, I need the aluminium and the weight off, the water ones specially…is 1lt of water so…its weight…-the ex-paladin nodded and went to pick up their stuff, getting a can of purified water and some 200 years old pasta they found somewhere…radioactive? Hell yeah, it does matter? Well not exactly now for him as he was a synth…and Nate said something weird of not being affected by rads in the food after leveling up or something he didn’t pay too much attention.

Was he now or maybe always not affected by radiation? Was his human synthetized body affected or not? He was a bio-robot, clearly bio, Nate explained him the process how a synth is created in the institute and they managed to create life…soulless life, bodys without purpose until they put synth components to give them a personality, a memory bank, a processor…his mind wouldn’t be affected never by the radiation but his body…maybe yes…but what was the limitations of a super human robot? Maybe they were designed to not be injured by radiation, after all they were designed super human robots, why not delete all flaws? If they were trying to continue human species like before the war…

Stop.

Don’t keep thinking on it.

His brain repeated, for the third time in the day.

Sometimes he looses on the confusion of now being a synth but all life before being human…his sane mental state some times appeared to take him out the thinking depressive things hole, he was gratefull that still being walking on this difficult new path he was sane and conscious of how things were developing.

And Nate was right there to help him too.

They didn’t have forks or spoons to eat, they mostly put the can in their mouths and pray for the food to decide to come down onto their throats, then clean with a tissue, poor? Yes, the only option they had now? Also yes? Confortable? Well definetly not but…Nate say they were still together like this, that it wasn’t going to be much different for him to be all alone in Post Bravo…

The new paladin sat over the matress and went to open the pasta cans, Danse was so unsure of so many things lately…does he need to eat? He preffered to give Nate the food if he really was a robot but he remember feeling hungry or fainting from starvation before…those were really vivid memories…

-You seem in pain –said Danse sitting next to him, the man looked uncomfortable, the way his back was arched didn’t look right.

-You know im not fond of 24/7 power armor as you, it wasn’t a good idea to travel with one…I don’t wanna leave it behind but I don’t wanna use it either…-it was funny how there wasn’t a real currency and still Nate managed to be miserly about resources –I could hide my face some other way…

-I preffer your safety, is important to use it

-I been picked up and trow to a wall more times than my hand fingers can count without a power armor –said giving Danse one of the cans, the man picked it and moved the cold pasta a bit with his finger to make it loose

-I still preffer you with one on

-Im eating, make a pee and go to sleep, tonight is cold and im tired, we walked a lot

-Want me to take a guard?

-No, lets sleep together, I need your warm –Danse cheeks burned, it wasn’t like a code or anything but lately that phrase ended up with them getting all horny whenever they are sleeping, it was true they sleep more confortable in each other arms but it was also true that most of the situations ended up with them making up.

Alright then, this would be the night maybe?

Danse place the can over his lips and open his mouth, waiting for the pasta to go down to think in something else.

Situation wasn’t perfect, hell yeah it was shitty, they been in this exact same position before so it wasn’t new but there wasn’t any hope of a hot shower for Danse anymore now, there wasn’t a clear future for him, it disappoint Nate so much that the only thing he can offer the man was this…poor living conditions…better this than let him sacrifice for the Brotherhood ideals but still…he save him and force him into a crusade to run around the Commonwealth and avoid his responsabilities…this was the best he can offer right now…

Of course, he can come back to Sanctuary, Codsworth was always waiting for him but…one day he saw a small camp with a perfect view to the vault 111 in the forest with one small symbol drawed very similar to the ones the Railroad uses…that realization make his spine shiver, he would never feel safe at home again, someone is always watching, no matter on which side.

The thought made his body tremble, and as fast Danse noticed this, he put an arm around his shoulders.

Nate thought that Danse did it because it was cold, but the ex-paladin knew that Nate has demons just like him inside his mind, all the time…

There was noise, a lot of dark and ugly noise around them and it was their duty to mutually take care of each other and disperse the noise away from their minds.

He often find the man zooning out, trembling, falling, sighting or wanting to suppress a unexpected cry.

And just like Nate did it with him, he would watch over him too.

Danse finished his can of pasta, trow it to the next wall and then place his head over Nates shoulder, placing a hand over his knee while the man eat.

The man became a mistery after coming back from the institute…well both have flipping life changing experiences after all…like seeing the world burn wasn’t enough for Nate…

After Nate finished eating and drinking for the night, the miserly man pick up the cans and let them next to his things, preparing to go to sleep.

-Do you realize we need to find a station to fix your power armor right? Im not going to carry your trash until we find that –Danse was already laying on the matress, looking at his boyfriend peing against a hole in the wall, goddamit the new paladin find it hilarious to do that silly stuff and Danse didn’t get it, I mean it was practicall since the liquid and the smell wouldn’t stay with them but he did this in everyplace they sleep.

-Im not planning to, when did I ever gave you my trash?

-Im still carrying your fat-man

-Oh no im not hearing this, you are carring it because when I tried to get rid of it you said “nonono you cant go around dropping valuable things like that” like a angry dad, even if theres fat-man all around the corners…

-Well i…

-If it bothers you so much I should scrap it…

-Don’t even think on that

There was a brief silence, then a buckle from Nate, and then one from Danse, both laughted.

Nate tucked his dong after using a tissue, but didn’t actually fix his pants, when he turn around Danse saw him and blushed a bit, yeah, he suspected well…The man slowly made his way to sit next to him in the second matress and hold his cheek, looking directly at his eyes.

-Are you alright? –this was a way Nate had to ask him if it was okay to…advance…if he was unconfortable, too tired, too cold, sick, hurt or emotional he preffered to wait for the next day, but yeah, today he was fine, a bit tired just like him but…as fine you can be in the wastelands…

-Im okay –Danse hands went to the sides of Nates hips, making the man tremble a bit at the touch, but as soon he did that the new paladin lift his leg to sat over his stomach.

The positive thing about being on top of Danse was the view…Danse was actually a bit skinny but in comparision he was huge in size and Nate was so in love with that...both hands went to his cheeks, caressing the tick hairs of his black beard…gosh it was so masculine and handsome…

-I look at you and I cannot think on another thing more than telling you how much I love you…-the ex-paladin laughted a bit, enyoing the sensation of his fingers in his jaw, moving his fingers in circles over his hips

-You sure you are not just lusting?

-I think I have reasons to say that I love you deeply –Nate gave him a playfull smile at it, getting more closer to his face, and then out of nothing Danse hand moved to his crotch, pressing over the pants and the underwear,  surprising Nate but taking a soft moan out.

-I have my reasons too –Nate laughted and his torso went down, laying on top of Danse chest, his mouth looked for his and  he was well received with a deep and warm kiss, moving his head to the side to make them space confortable.

Yeah, this was right, this was definetly the thing he looked all over the day, if they could just disappear and be this close together without having to worry about surviving…

Danse hummed on his mouth and that surprised the other man, apparently he was having a blast with just a kiss, his hands moved to his wast, securing his grip at hugging him tightly, Nate moved his head a bit and the ex-paladin went desesperate to eat his mouth, they were not getting separed for  oxigen until someones head gets red and both separate laughting from the intensity

Nates hands went down, moving all around his chest, pressing firmly with the tip of his fingers all it was avalible to touch, he loved how the man feel so firm and hard anywhere, the thing that really make him have doubts in the first place was how handsome and perfect he was and…he was having it, it was his, after wishing it for so long…

Nate went off the kiss because he was smiling, took some air and then went back to eat the ex paladin mouth in a tongue kiss, hands getting brave to get under his shirt and feel the warm of his skin, not to mention the beautifull sensation of the hair of his torso and arms…

Danse felt hot, really hot, Nate always rushed, had a level of intensity hard to keep, same as fightings, the man jumped directly in the face of danger and in bed he jumped directly to what he most desired…He loved that hands, hands that didn’t despise him for what it was, he could believe that as a synth he had no right to be loved or desired but it wasn’t like that, the other man was so fonded with him that he couldn’t care less about it, having that deep conection really make the ex paladin head fly…yeah…he liked this…he whished for this moments with him…a moan died between  their tongues and he could feel how Nate went more exited from it, the man moved to sit more confortable over his hips and have a better pose, moving his hands to the side of Danse body, firmly grabbing and getting delighted with his abs, again, making the ex paladin moan, it tickle but also feel good.

Danse hands moved down again, placing over Nates pants in his clothed ass gripping with a bit of strenght, the man on top of him shiver at the touch, but as he bite his tongue and rob a moan he didn’t pay much attention to the rest…the feeling of Nates fingers tangling over the hairs on his chest make him snap a bit and pay attention to the sensations over his body, above being hotheaded, he was hard, very hard, his buldge was against Nates leg where he was sitted and take a moment to check over the situation, looking down, confusing the vault man who was enjoing the kiss at being separated like it…

Well look at that…an unconscious reflex made him buckle his hips, making the man on top move a bit, a groan came from the back of his throat at how good it felt, calling Nate attention, who stood up just to look too…Danse hands secure his grip onto his hips and set a peace where he would buckle slowly and soft into him and would move him a bit, trying to be circular but of course it wasn’t perfect, he close his eyes, goddamn it felt good, the rubbing with his crotch and his body was amazing but…

-Danse –Nate called for him, Danse was in a trance that took a few more attempts of him calling his attention before he could snap-Danse! –he sluddenly open his eyes…why wasn’t Nate moving? His hands went down, wasn’t he enjoying it as much as him?

-Are you alright? –said the ex paladin, it was true, the man didn’t make any move but he also wasn’t playing much attention. Nate seemed a bit…conflicted…not confortable…

-Sorry theres something I want to tell you –the ex paladin went up on his elbows, looking at his face, Nate went to cup his cheeks with a hand and place the other over his hot neck, liking how thick it was under his fingers.

This was it, this was the moment where they stopped but he never ask to…talk before…it was good it was good it was an advance…

-Yes?

-Sorry i…-the man sighted for a moment, taking a breath before looking down again- I been thinking a lot this days…and I really try to be open and give it a chance…to like it…-one of his hands grabbed Danse to put it over his crotch, sure he had an erection, he was hot but…all rubbery…not hard hard…it was very different from him, that sadded Danse for a moment but he was willing to hear his concerns…-I do not feel comfortable receiving…this…-he said as he pushed his ass against Danse buldge- doesn’t feel right for me…

Wow…

Danse sighted in surprise…ok he could deal with this is it was nothing…

-Its okay, do not feel bad for it –while this is clearly a turn off because of how much he was enjoing it he can understand the man worries…

-I do, because I want you…but I know I don’t like this…-said again, jumping a bit over the ex paladin erection still on his underwear, he was doing it on purpose- sorry I been trying for days to try to feel confortable with the idea but I cant…

-We can do another stuff…-this hit hard because lately he was thinking what was his real sexual experience…he cant make differences between the memorys implanted by the Institute and the ones he at least lived the last months so…

-You don’t get it –the vault man went down, facing him, lips against each other, talking with his warm breath against his skin while looking directly at his eyes –I want you…

-Oh…-Danse hands moved up, to catch his shoulders and secure him there, it was a nice pose, he liked how his eyes melted over his…

God this was hot, so hot, body was burning in desire right now even if the goddamn conversation was just about not doing it…His head moved to the side and sighted frustrated but then, out of nothing, Nate went to his ear and left a little wet kiss before whispering with his hot breath..

-Don’t worry ill just have to find the best way to fuck you –hearing that last one make the ex paladin slurp saliva hard, frozen…but not frozen…completely still on his place but burning like crazy, a wave of heat danced from his toes to forehead at hearing that. God having pants on now was killing him, he didn’t want to make the other man uncomfortable but…

-I think we are kinda familiar with anal sex at his age…

Silence…

Nate went back and had to use his hand to cup his mouth, snorking hard from the nose, Danse see the little wet drops from his nose as he tried to not burst in tears of laught, seeing him like that make the man also laught silly, it wasn’t actually that funny….but it was enough to trigger the silliness in Nates mind, and that always make Danse laught with him…

A few hands fly all around, playing with each other, laughting loud at the bad joke, Danse hands went to his stomach to pinch and play a bit making tickles and Nate went to defend himself from the little attacks, hugging the big man and moving around the matress.

Joy, this moments with him bring Danse joy…he could feel the man smile against his arm and shoulder and it make him feel his chest full of a very nice sensation.

A few moments later they relaxed a bit, Nate hugged him by the waist and make a hand find a way under his pants, finding so amazing how warm the skin of that zone was…

-I can help you for tonight…

-You don’t want anything? –Nate denied with his head, his fingers went more brave and down at meeting with his pubes, playing with the thick dark hairs at their encounter

-When I say im tired from the day I mean it…and I finally let this off my chest…I been forcing myself to try to like it so this is a relief

A bit disappointing? Yes but they weren’t in a rush or anything, and it could get better, he trusted the other man…habilities…

Danse kissed his forehead.

-You sure? –while he also desired the other man, to touch and kiss and bite and get off all the goddamn clothes off him…it was okay for this night, he admitted this wasn’t the best place and the conditions weren’t favorable –Okay…

Fingers went down down, getting lost between his dark hairs, making Danse shiver at expectation.

Nate moved to be between his legs, locking their eyes together and just make the most sexy smile he had ever seen, Danse feeled like he was going to be eat…and expected it harsh

-Stay with me for the rest of the night okay? I want your warm…-wait didn’t he say before that he needed the warm? the way that words left his mouth make his cock twitch, and the next thing Danse see before being obliged to close his eyes is the other man pulling his pants down to devour him entirely.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14236049/1/Fooling-around-together