#im so insecure my blog looks fucked up rn every other post is me insecure posting so i dont cry and then theres smut in between it all

[caraphernellie]

do u like me or do i need to remodel my entire personality to be more enjoyable for u

[malt-rants-and-stuff]

Hey malt um i see u posting about an anime on my dash and im getting into a lot of different anime to fill the homeless gay dog void um. Do you wanna tell me about your anime maybe?

OH DO I? finn my dear friend you dont even know what you're getting into here. reaching into the depths of my true form: main fandom brainrot.

okay given that im sasamiya posting rn im going to Assume you mean them but i was also posting about dunmeshi earlier so if you wanna hear about that too just let me know but AH. There is so much to sayyyy

Okay going to try and break it down to the basics here but sasamiya (or as its actual title, Sasaki to Miyano) is basically my mcu. my sasamiya-verse. there are two manga series currently ongoing in this universe but the world is in my hands and there are so many other fandom made one's i'll get into in a bit. But For Now.

Sasaki to Miyano's basic premise is- as copied from mdex because it really is worded best there- "It all started like a typical old-school boys’ love plotline—bad-boy senior meets adorably awkward underclassman, one of them falls in love, and so on and so forth. But although Miyano is a self-proclaimed boys’ love expert, he hasn’t quite realized…he’s in one himself. Which means it’s up to Sasaki to make sure their story has a happily ever after…!"

That's it. fun and simple and sweet gay love story set-up we love to see it. Except that it can never be so simple. Because the author, harusono shou, does this crazy thing called being a really good writer who creates beautifully alive characters for me to shake like maracas in my brain.

Like, you think it's simple. Miyano is a loveable bl fan who hasn't put much thought into his sexuality, Sasaki is the guy he successfully gets into his hyperfixation and they grow from that shared interest into an adorable relationship. But Then they hit you with the Miyano body insecurities and youre like hey, wait a minute. And then they caually show Sasaki displaying every single symptom of undiagnosed depression in his childhood and you have to stop and go hey... And then they have to have Hanzawa mother fucking Masato (lovingly said. absolute beloved character.) and you quickly realize that this isnt just some sweet romance story. it's a sweet romance story with the most quietly complicated character writing one only dreams of <- im biased and obsessed. may not be true to life but [shrugs] there is no one doing it like harusono and her thousands of words of character analysis that she has written about her own characters. i love her fr.

Im trying not to spoil things here really but it is genuinely such a lovely and interesting story, the light novels are literally my entire life, occasional side character Shirahama Kyouji is genuinely my favorite character and he probably has a total of 8 scenes in the translated manga so far. he was my blog theme for like 2 weeks straight earlier this year i am insufferable about him and everything he both is and isnt.

And that isn't even getting into Hirakagi. the agonies. Hirano to Kagiura, the technically prequel spin-off manga about sasaki's best friend and the gay shenanigans he gets up to with his roommate. they make me sob and also make me sick its great. could not reccomend it more even if you never read sasamiya or vice versa just one of them is such a great read.

The biggest appeal for me though is definately the fandom though. like i have been in So Many Fandoms as you can tell from the absolute chaos that is my blog, but ive probably only experienced this sort of fandom experience once before in my whole entire life. im so entrenched. the thing about being a, while popular, still very much a bl series that doesnt get much in terms of fan or official content, is that eventually something has to give. usually that means that the fandom is either dead or rarely gets talked about, which you would think to be true i you just looked at the main tags, but ive never been in a fandom that breathes to much... life?? into itself??? dont know how to word it. we make it work around here basically.

like after years of gaps between chapters we all collectively just went "okay how about we just do it ourselves" and essentially made the fandom into goncharov before there was ever a goncharov yk. like the actual story is really good and well done and then we all just went and made it our own to keep ourselves sane, and it worked!! we call it hanzawa to tashro!!! it is in our minds and also technically in the text. its so amazing here i cant even explain it well enough. my friends @/dirtbra1n @/aranarumei @/kagiuraakira and @/sunnnfish and so many others (we're all easy to find we stalk each other's blogs to talk about all of this) make awesome posts about it. #riverposting or #hanzawa to tashiro are good places to look if youre interested. i also talk about them A Lot over here to you can look through what I have too though a lot of it has like specific aus like #dating sim au and stuff tagged on mine, so the others are better bets for general meta posting fun. Just. Its so fun here. also if youve ever liked jeweler richard then shameless plug bc my dear friend kiri wrote the anomalous agate which is a beautiful and fun crossover with hanzawa to tashiro and tcfojr which is so so good if you're interested.

Just, there is a lot and this definately didn't cover it all. i want to explain riverposting but that takes Time and Context and also was explained before by sunnnfish on their blog im pretty sure (and they do amazing art over on @/sunnfish with 2 n's) if you ever feel like checking this all out. i love this place a lot.

[burnedbyshoto]

anon: The artist @franeridart answers all of their asks in one mass post with a read more link so maybe you could try that as well. That way you could answer everyones ask but not spam anyones dash with all of your replys

you genius anon, and you genius artist! I just feel like as of late I have been getting a lot more things in my askbox, and I dont want to overwhelm anyone with spam. so, I will be creating these! unless it’s for y’all thirsty hoes asking for extra parts or whatever from very recent posts, expect this to happen every so often! the rest will be below cut. also first time using photoshop? how’d I do yall??? and also like.... let me know if you like this idea??? if not i’ll just resort to spam :)

@your-parental-figure : IK BUT DETECTIVE GUY CONSIDERED BOTH TOKOYAMI AND KIRI TO BE ALL MIGJTS SUCCESSOR DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THAT MENT??? THAT MOMENT WATERED MY CROPS, CLEARED MY SKIN AND SOLVED WORLD HUNGER

oh season four episode one, you may have been a filler, but you made me so happy to watch. honestly ngl, I was pretty surprised when he said kiri, not because he has no potential, but because it seemed like the top 4 from the sports festival, bUT FUCK YEAH KIRI AND TOKOYAMI!!!!! IN A DIFFERENT WORLD IT COULDVE BEEN THEM!!!!!

anon: Makeup smut for villain Deku should be good. 100% tender, no chicken

honestly, my favorite thing at this point is seeing you all crumble in fear if i’ll even give you a happy ending, and tbh idk if it will be for villain!deku >:)

@ohmycolie: So it’s Saturday night and I’m just sitting at home 🤦🏼‍♀️ could you maybe do a scenario where Bakubaby and Kiri decide to bring Kami into their sexcapades and after their little adventure Kiri is like “can we keep him?” 🤤💕

hi bby, while I can imagine something of this sort I am only a “x reader” blog :( so while its good thirst, I won’t be writing anything about it, sorry :( ily tho!

@michealsheep: Honestly is shiggy ended me after an intense nut like that I’d just thank him

honestly, I want shiggy just to end me??? whatta way to go. death by fucking nut.

bigdickkiri: I don’t get ship wars. Why do people wanna be so mean? It’s so easy to not be a part of any a that.if everyone appropriately tagged their posts, blacklisted rags they don’t like and didn’t act bitchy then they wouldn’t be an issue. - bigdickkiri

neither do I honestly. they’re just people looking for drama at this point, and it’s like... come on... you’re 25... stop

bigdickkiri: What a fantastic evening to tell my favourite writers that I adore them and that they're amazing! Look after yourself and have a gorgeous day! ❤️💙❤️💙 - bigdickkiri

I’m literally the worst. but um, I adore you so much, and I think you’re amazing!!!!! its 2am rn, but I can’t sleep anyways

🍒💥anon: Girl, your blog is having a glo up!!! I love it!! So pretty 👌 How are you doing today? Are you taking care of yourself? *sending good vibes and virtual hugs your way* -🍒💥

teehee, thank you for noticing!!!!!! i’m not 100% happy with it rn, but I haven’t had the time to get it perfect!!! wait a few more weeks and when I have actual down time, im fixing it >:) also, I am doing well, a lot of caretaking today! I never take care of myseld! *accepts the good vibes and virtual hugs because I am touch starved*

anon: I'm part of the protect uraraka squad!!! ♡

me too boo! you wanna fight me on my mochi loving girl meet me on the corner of my fists and in your faCE!!!!! (is this considered cyberbullying?)

anon: WTF @ THAT ANGST I M SAD NOW

this was in regard to my fic “because of you” which I posted because I was in a crying mood. HAHAHAHAHA YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO FEEL SAD I WINNNNNNNN

@joyfullydawn: I just wanted to say you're heccin' amazing??? The fact you named that roommate one "And they were roommates" I just--yes. This is more than ok. This is excellent. Please keep being awesome aaaa

and they were roommates was the first series I had, and the thing I did in celebration for 100 followers.... jesus that feels so long ago and not in fact less than two months ago!!!!!!!!!!! maybe I should reblog my old works so you newer lovely followers can read them!!!!!

anon: would u ever do a part 2 to under the mistletoe with aizawa? its so sad and i just want them to be HAPPY

I am planning on doing it!!!!! it’s in my requests, so no worriesssss ;)

hermana anon: hermana that todo angst 🥺🥺you’re literally the best angst writer jdjdbd

okay but for real do I write actually good angst??? asking for a friend..... and HGAIGHJIAORGHUOG THAKN YOU FOR THAT COMPLIMENT!!!! PLEASE RECOMMEND ME ANGST FICS BECAUSE I LOVE CRYINGGGG

🍒✨ anon: this has literally nothing to do with anything that’s on your account right now but do you think that dabi sends shoto happy birthday messages? i like to think he does because even if he’s a villain, he still lowkey care about his siblings - 🍒✨

this was from a very long ass time ago, and im sorry I never responded to you sparkle cherry anon, but I definitely do believe that he sends birthday cards. with his baby bro’s increase in his fangirl club, he now is unafraid to send shouto a card. its always the only one that catches shouto’s attention when he goes through them because they’re weirdly personal. shouto, being a smart yet dense idiot, believes its someone in the class pranking him.

~ I won’t be posting these messages, but they were from awhile ago when I was hitting a rough patch with my insecurity as a writer and my ability to give my all to you. there are many of you, 19 messages in total, where you told me why you loved my writing. I never responded to them because they make me cry even now looking back at them. to each and every anon, I thank you for saying those kind words. to @saladsharkz, @thecryingsombra, @olivenight17, @shutupwylow, @expressyourstarstruckrebel, and @awkward-theaterkid thank you as well. there is another non anon, but they asked not to be revealed. thank you so sososo much.

~ I will not be posting these as well, because again, drama from awhile ago. but this was in regard to the anon who did not like the kinklist I had created for kinktober. while now I think I am doing a pretty damn good job, and no one has said otherwise, to the 2 anons, @connors-my-boy, and bigdickkiri, thank you for fighting an anon that was never your responsibility to take <3

@w0w-s0-3dgy: u make me uwu so much🥺❤️ I LOVE YOUR PAGE BABE I HOPE YOU’RE DOING WELL!

BBY I LOVE YOU AND I AM DOING WELL NOW!!!!! THANK YOU FOR LOVING MY PAGE LITERALLY WHERE WOULD I BE WITHOUT YOU?!?!??!!

anon: You followed me and idk if it was just to be nice or if you want to be friends or what hdhakanskenebdhsiq

im starting to follow back people that make me happy. it’s been awhile since ive been on a followspree, but I follow you back when i see kind messages from you, when I see that you’ve liked so many of my horrible posts, when you reblog my things with the most amazing tags. I follow you because I want to be your friend, you’re always welcomed to be my friend!!! hell you can literally be like “bitch listen to this” and never once having spoken to me I will respond with “give me the fucking chisme my queen”

anon: *gives u an encouraging and comforting yeehaw*

now.... now I can conquer the world, thank you

anon: Hi! I love the way you're writing things for kinktober, and I'd personally love if you could reblog what you're writing multiple times because I'm at uni most of the day so I miss out on a lot. Pd. I absolutely adore your writing! Please keep up ❤

I AM TRYING TO REBLOG MY STORIES NOW BUT OMGNGSOUHFIPA YOU LIKE HOW I WRITE?!?!?!??!?!?!

heathers anon: Its the anon who sent the Dabi heather au. I send it because i know your popular and a lot of popular blogs check your blogs. And I honestly struggle with other blogs because they ignored most of my asks.

teehee, I appreciate you thinking im a popular blog and that other popular blogs check mine, but thats not true!!! sorry for never responding back, but i’m sure they’re not meaning to ignore you on purpose. there’s just so much happening things get buried!

@sinnaminsvga : we're both alyssa so it's really interesting to see the nicknames u use bc i see you use lyssa and i got the nickname ari and i think that's pretty neat how we both have the same name but wildly different nicknames

it don’t matter, we be alyssa twinsies!!!!!!!!!!

anon: I was just going through your master list, cause I’m in a stunning mood and why not make a good mood better? and I saw bakugous “sickness and that word I can’t spell” got hella happy for a sec CAUSE YES THAT WAS SO ADORABLE AND I LOVED IT. Then I remembered the heart shattering angst that came with Todos side. So like. Ily but you a meanie.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHHA WE LOVE SUFFERING!!!!!! I just... really have a thing for angst it seems... don’t tell my followers though, im in denial over it...

[leonbastralle]

Malmine’s Day Out In Berry World (And More) - Replies

i could absolutely get used to this, also sorry for the wall of text but i think read more works on mobile now?

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “M: I HAVE THE BEST WIFE HA HA HA!!!!! ALSO FOOD!”

mAAAAAAARR STOP BEING SUCH A HUGE NERD

HE CANT THIS IS WHO HE IS

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset

IM GOING TO HIRE U UR BETTER AT CAPPING THEM THAN I AM ❤️ 😭👌🏼

wtf nOOO your shots are so aesthetic i just take a billion pics and post them all but also pls hire me for anything thanks

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset

YESSSS

WOOOOOOOOOO

pixeldemographics replied to your post “I heard you wanted to see a weirdo (not)”

Wow a cutie patootie with an extremely Adequate Shirt!! ❤️

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset

Hell. YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH

THEIR FIRST DIP KISS I CANT BELIEVE IT

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset

mar stop manhandling ur wife also they cant escape their origin story lmao

its gr8 man i wish i could do smth cool with art and shadows now

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset

IM Dying AND LIVING SO MUCH RN THANK U THANK U THIS IS A BALM AFTER U KNOW WHAT

tHATS GOOD THATS GR8 IM FEELING V ACCOMPLISHED

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset

@1st pic mar wheres that hand going mar what are u doing

pl A C E S u kno thats just how he is

man i sure lov those presidents and their impure thoughts in public places

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “M: Jessamine! You did great. J: Why thank you! You weren’t too bad...”

Yes YESSSSS APPRECIATE EACH OTHER JESS RUN UR HANDS ALL OVER THAT BACK

now thats a comment i could have written

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “M: I want death.”

MY DUDE ITS PART OF BEING A POLITICIAN

i KNOW I JUST HAD TO

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset

theres my perfect daughter in law

:o she is man

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “after today I’ll actually gonna stop spamming sims I can’t take credit...”

who the fuck is this tho idk her lmao

your goddess thats who

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “local alien cinnamon roll still a cinnamon roll”

can i adopt her please (i dont remember if i did already or not)

u can totally adopt and/or marry her tho tbh adopting WOULD probably be better since glow would get v sad and pathi v mad if u married her...well find someone else for u to marry if youd like and its not creepy

pixeldemographics replied to your post “wcifthe eyes of blue guy that trellis talked to?”

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! iM LOVING THE TAGS EYE EMOJI

tHANK YOU I WASNT SURE IF THEY WERE TOO MUCH BUT SOMEONE TOLD ME TO DO IT

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “J: Good game, Trellis! T: Man…it seems talent just can’t beat youth....”

im crying so much jess is back at it with the selfies and trellis im so proud of trellis she is so GOOD

sAME I HAV A LOT OF FEELINGS FOR BOTH OF THEM ALSO LIL JESS OUTING HERSELF ABT HER FLAME OBSESSION ONCE MORE

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “T: Okay, remind me again why we HAVE to have a hot president?”

Ok trellis but......... a concept......... its gr8 he beat his meat to get here

i mean since im a troll and like to put impossible knowledge in my sims trellis has a clue or two but if it was confirmed to her i assure you she would appreciate the work that went into those biceps

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset

ASSSSSS

aLSO A COOL SHOT SMH

pixeldemographics replied to your post “9, 10”

;) ;) ;) im living for this potential murdering for the challenge

;) ;) ;) ;) ;) dude i might have to tell you because i wanna tell someone and you inspired this so...and for all we know i might never get to gen 8 which would mean id never finish the rainbowcy and start smth new so

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset

dUNKED

fun fact abt this shot: i drew half of the fuccin net because the bball always clips through it during this and i hated it so much because i loved the shot a lot

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset

mAKE MOMMA PROUD

ALWAYS SHE WAS SO DAMN GOOD

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset

dan trellis has some nice legs :o GO GIRL

well she got a lot of exercise but i too would lov naturally hairless legs

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset

smh opal arent u supposed to support ur partner in balls

opal dont support anyone that aint sprout tbh

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “O: Woooooooooo!! Not bad, Mr President. M: Please never call me that...”

i MEAN trellis did u check those ABS and GUNS and bAD SHOULDERS OUT???

shE DID TRUST ME SHE TOOK A REASONABLE AMOUNT OF TIME TO ACKNOWLEDGE THESE ABS AND GUNS AND BAD SHOULDERS AND MORE

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “?”

idk what happened with that comment im dead

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “?”

cOME ON AND SMAAAAASH AND WELCOME TO THE JAM  👀  👀  👀  👀  👀

i dont know man but its beautiful

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset

jfsdsfjdsfsd im crying so much im dead and im so glad mar is like..... giving nip town some much needed rep

he is man he is i need more of it but i also dont wanna b too obnoxious abt it...and also im realising the only other nip town rep on this blog will probably b snowdrifticus...

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset

ill b very honest and admit that in light of recent conversations this image can have some...... er ot i c....... connotations...... which is to say...... i lov it

cATII PLS I TOOK THIS AS AN AESTHETIC INNOCENT SHOT

(but also yes. yes y e ss YE S)

pixeldemographics replied to your photo “The Outlaw & The Outcast”

PROTECC THESE KIDS FROM THIS DISFUNCTIONAL FAMILY

ILL TRY MAN i dont think the fam is gonna b the biggest danger to them tho

pixeldemographics replied to your photo “The Outlaw & The Outcast”

ALSO I LOV THEIR PROFILES I LOV THEM I LOVE PULSES SASS AND U KNO HOW I FEEL ABT HER IN GENERAL (WINK WINK)

i kNO HOW U FEEL ABT HER YES I KNO JUST WELL I KNO U WANT THAT MIDDLE FINGER (im sorry the friend u ordered is broken ill get u a refund)

pixeldemographics replied to your photo “The Outlaw & The Outcast”

OK FIRST OFF THIS IS SUCH AN AMAZING AESTHETIC IM CRYING SO HARD RN

aaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA???????????????? CAN U NOT YOURE AESTHETIC GOALS AND YOU CALL THIS AESTHETIC I CRY IVE BEEN APPROVED BY THE AESTHETIC QUEEN??

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “T: *regrets challenging the boss of everything* M: Did the ball really...”

Also i cry bc if she shortens her name as usual its mar which is sea in portuguese and just adds to the whole aesthetic :’)

;____________; yE S

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “T: *regrets challenging the boss of everything* M: Did the ball really...”

It seems like mar is not the only one who handles balls well  👀  👀  👀

i mean...there is a possibility that she does too i wouldnt know.......theres actually a possibility that they r all pretty skilled i wonder why

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset

Is that a face of....... r e g r e t

probably, trellis is competitive af and v easily gets insecure when shes not the best (aka me???)

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “J: He’s so cute! T: Isn’t he? I did good. Is Martinique joining us...”

But im crying and dying and thriving so hard rn u said this was the fave IT IS I LOVE THIS SO MUCH ❤️❤️❤️

;______________________________________________; i too am crying in retrospect and was crying

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “J: He’s so cute! T: Isn’t he? I did good. Is Martinique joining us...”

Jess would probably love to b slam dunked tbh i cant believe her

👀  👀  *halamshiral eavesdrop voice* inTERESTINGGGG pls tell me mor

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “S: I assume that’s a rhetorical question. I’ll browse the shops for...”

jess: wow love!!!

her face looking at shine and trellis gave me life she was probably like...mar too likes to do this...and that...i wonder if he too will still do that when were older...will he stay with me...i sure hope so

and trellis was like well if he dont u kno shine will freeze him and then ill literally kill him so i bet he dont want to risk that

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “T: *giggles* Shine, come on. I’d have thought you knew me better than...”

i approve of trellis conscientious citizenship i LOV HER

sAME IM SO GLAD I GOT THE OPPORTUNITY TO DEVELOP THIS PART OF HER

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “T: *giggles* Shine, come on. I’d have thought you knew me better than...”

lmao i bet shine is picturing this in one of those top 10 anime betrayals meme

yes absolutely can u pls make a meme out of this and also everything

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “T: I’m here, darling…oh, Jess! Hi! You made it! J: Trellis! Ready for...”

cOME ON AND SLAM AND WELCOME TO THE JAM

YOU GOT IT

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “S: Mrs Lilywhite! Is that you? What a coincidence! It’s good to see...”

dsjasdsasdajdsajsadjsad im living and dying and crying so much ANNIEEEEEEEE

aksjfbakjsbfkajbsfknajsbfaksjf already ;_;

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “S: Wait, isn’t that…”

yES YES IT IS SJSDJDJSDFFSDDSF

me watching you commenting:

pixeldemographics replied to your photoset “It’s time for a group outing on Trellis’ day off!”

i lov the sound of that warning i know ill die

same always

pixeldemographics replied to your post “2, 6, 13, 14, 20, 29, 30!! ;)”

follow up question whats flames fave type of meme

flame is flame he loves every meme he IS every meme but a few selected faves would be alien guy, doge, breadsticks, ermergerd, history of...um...whatever the berry name of japan is my color page isnt working xD and dark kermit i think those are some of his faves yes

pixeldemographics replied to your post “2, 6, 13, 14, 20, 29, 30!! ;)”

i cant believe aur went to the gym and play with his b balls ;)

but can u rly not because i can, i too would if u hav such mighty balls u gotta give them some appreciation

pixeldemographics replied to your post “2, 6, 13, 14, 20, 29, 30!! ;)”

i cant believe ficus is surrounded by ppl who give middle fingers and trELLIS TOTALLY HAS THE FACE OF A MURDERER YES

hES SO SAFE (ALSO NOT RLY) and thank you because she absolutely considered to get in on som fango plots

pixeldemographics replied to your post “special noses (u rly vary ur shape) and fluffy lips, they always look...”

the lips mostly!! but theyre always in combo with the nose i cant describe it but yes these soft kids

;________________; i mean...i guess they are their mothers children...

[benjaminhunter]

wow dont read this if youre gonna unfollow for me speaking a bit abt my life situation btw even if the whole thing sounds so much like a 15year old narcissistic cunt’s post venting about their emo problems and their ‘i hate my fucking life’ stick like i used to vague about on scattered fanfic french blogs; look ill get over myself ! sooner than you think ! but i havent made a really personal post on this blog in a while cos it felt.. useless and self pitying in the wake of the really upsetting suffering i see on my dash, from the mutuals i consider friends and the political situation that i kinda want to escape from? but even then. that feels self pitying. and also its almost 8 am so no one will see the bs im posting. so  anyway an update on my thrilling life ! my moods have been flickering between extreme anger and complete exhaustion ! obssessively checking social medias of artists i really looked up has transformed the feeling of admiration i felt into complete beatdowns of myself, always comparing myself to them and rejecting everything decent i made.. getting angry over ship content for absolutely no reason when ive always been the type to be ‘oh fuck it live and learn’; now my anger is making me feel like im expecting ppl to draw content for a f/f rarepair and when this rarepair is overshadowed by huge het or m/m popular pairs i get pissed off, storm and brood about it, feeling like im a child throwing a tantrum ! so thats fun !!!!!!!!!!! lol !!!!!!!!! all my insecurities flooding back because the dam is damn broke when ive been taping it the best i could over the past years. so im feeling intense jealousy at talented artists finishing their projects and starting new ones, and w/ mikus 10th bday coming up and everything- it feels like when youre following your multiplayer guild’s quest in a mmorpg but with bad internet. theyre accomplishing so much and im. here? what? what achievement do i have for myself? oh yeah. i played dr:ae at least ten times. and yet i still couldnt find the energy to make decent dr:ae fanart. its awful. its terrible ! and my asshole dad feels like he can strut all he want because i chickened out on calling the cops on him that one time and hes been even more verbally abusive, although the good side is hes not hitting me or my sis anymore. i guess pulling a knife on him once when hes done so on me so many times impressed him a bit, yknow, the snake that comes back to bite you in the ass? you reap what you sow bs? yeah. so no more slaps or punches, which is good. i guess he yells more and lashes out at the dog, which is terrible, but he hasnt been a complete ass to the rabbit, mostly because hes too lazy to come upstairs and kick chaussette’s cage or smash stuff off the shelves i guess. still the wifi is Very bad cos obvs my parents are hogging the bandwidth, the weather is bad, my sis and i dont have money to fish out of our purses to go to the pool, the library is closed & friends are either working or on holiday away with their families, also our teacher just confirmed that there will be an entrance exam at the start of year2 and i need to get stellar grades to get into the teacher course,so im wasting my eyes frantically speedrunning japanese grammar basics from year1; while my moms accusing me of being selfish for not wanting to go on a stupid 2week trip when i want nothing to do with her and my dad. my ex’s situation is still hanging over my shoulders, that bitch is still cursing me beyond the grave shes been digging and the shit morons that are her friends are still trash talking me, make ‘triggerd memes ;)))’ about me which is fine i guess :)) at least im not lurking their every tweet & post they do so my head is mostly clear on that, the trick is not to think about it or else it WILL fuck me up.. u got other worries like im worried about getting a job even and im worried about celeste’s job and while i know she definitely can handle herself im afraid of drunks coming into her store, have been ever since i started living with one, so theres that lel. 

im glad i got to spend some time with suke and yura and manon before we parted ways two weeks ago, and celeste i ever so sweet.. its been 1 (one) whole year since weve been together although it feels like ive loved her for .. way longer than this so. like if i could get one wish rn, it’d be to get to leap across the ocean so i could be physically close to her and enjoy some time w/ her. get you a girl who gives you butterflies like that, man. shit. wow wow chica bow wow this is long winded and whiny and ill probably regret ever writing that

[harahmed]

I spent the last hour looking at my personal tag from my old blog. I used to write a lot about the girls I really liked in it and wrote extensively about one where it was a pretty toxic relationship. There was another girl who i actually consider my first ‘true love’ in the sense where the relationship wasn’t toxic (let’s call her Z) and i felt feelings were returned even if words weren’t explicitly exchanged about our relationship and what we thought / meant to each other. I was hoping to find some posts on Z to give me some perspective on exactly how I felt about her back then and how I feel about her now (and I feel for her more than nothing;) I’m really disappointed in myself though because I didn’t write that much about her until things got bad between us much later in our relationship. I’m assuming bc she followed me on my blog and I followed her and I was afraid to confront my feelings with her bc i didn’ wanna ruin what we had going on so I just never wrote about it. 

I’m at a really weird point in my life. I will be dating my current gf for 3 years in august but I never “felt” in this relationship as I did back then. Even reading some other entries that I had, I was so much more curious and emotional about life and relationships and shit than I am now. I’ve told my current gf (let’s call her Q) this and that Z really messed me up and after things didn’t work out with her my emotional capacity towards future relationships was just lowered. When I first told her that I wasn’t always like this and I used to be more...emotional and that Z just took something out of me it obviously made Q upset. I first brought it up relatively early on in our relationship. it probably made Q feel insecure about our relationship and about my feelings for her if I couldn’t feel  as strongly as I have for Z in the past. We kinda just acknowledged it for what it was and moved on. I brought up Z to Q throughout the duration of our relationshi prelatively often. Z was really important to me and I didn’t want to undermine that to Q in anyway. Also, I felt if I brought Z up as often as I thought about her, it would show my current gf Q that I was not trying to hide anything about my relationshp with Z or how I currently felt about her. What i think that actually did, though, was make her more uneasy about it bc why does she have to hear about Z so much now ...as a woman that I had more than platonic feelings for? it’s a little sketchy when I think about it like that in retrospect. this dream i had that I wrote about the other day about Z has really fucked me up though. At first I was very uncomfortable bc I thought it meant I wasn’t over Z. I actually talked to Z about it to see how her feelings have transformed for me over the yhears and shesaid that sometimes (very rarely) she compares her current bf to me but when she does that she writes it off as me being her first love kinda thing and “your first love will always have a soft spot in ur heart.’ So then I was like “ohhh okay if that’s the case then none of this is abnormal and this explains why i still have those dreams.” but the more I think about it the more uneasy I get. I think about Z and my time with her more often than “rarely.” but I told her this also comes up in my mind rarely. I probably think about this once every week-2weeks which I think is pretty often given how far removed I am from being with Z in any sort of way. I think another factor that I need to take into consideration is circusmtance and how I wish I had the emotions and introspection I used to have back then.  so there are a couple of explanations to Z saying she rarely thinks about me in that way. 1. it’s true. this is the most likely explanation. 2. she underexaggerated the amount she thinks about me. I’m not saying it like i’m really anything special but more like when yo’ure in a relationship this isn’t something you want to let yoruself accept / admit let alone even think about. Also, if she said anything more than “rarely” it would honestly be kinda weird. same for if I said anything more than rarely. 3. she overestimated how much she thinks about me to make me feel like what I’m feeling isn’t abnormal so i can just move tf on with my life and be happy in my relationship. I can totally see her doing this too. 4. she never thought about it and gave an answer she felt most suited the situation that included some truth to it but she hasn’t thought about it enough to be the compelte truth. 

The fact that I’m even trying to think this through fortifies my realization that i’m so conflicted about this issue. I said before that after the thing that happened with Z, my emotional capacity lowered. but I don’ thtink that’s entirely true. I still get excited when I talk to Z which happens pretty rarely and I can still feel the inklings of the intensity of emotion for Z that I felt back then. It’s like she has a key to that part of my heart that my brain locked away to prevent that kinda hurt from hjappening again. THe question then becomes...is this a normal way to feel given the circumstances of my past relationship with Z or is it not? Is it healthy to be in a relationship where another human being is investing her 100% love and effort when I still have these thoughts and feelings? not even healthy, is it morally right? The truth is I love Q as much as I possibly can right now, but I’m not sure if as much as I possibly can is enough. Enough to sustain a healthy relationship over th eyears to come. WHy is it that the many problems I have that affects my current relationship negatively won’t change no matter how hard I try? is it because there is a threshold for emotional capacity for one that must be reached before wanting to change becomes second nature and occurs naturally for the betterment of your relationship as well as the happiness as your s/o? To put it in simpler terms, I want to change...but I don’t feel it deep down in my core the drive to change these habits of mine that are toxic to my relationship. I want to change because it is making her upset and I want our relationship to work out. But is that the same as wanting to change so that I could make her as happy as I possibly can? i don’t think so. but I’m saying this sitting in my bedroom feeling like a fuckin robot. but when I put her smile in my head and the image of waking up next to her in my thoughts, it’s different, I do want to change so I can make her as happy as possible. but what does it mean when I have to physically put this imagery into my head before feeling this way? i don’t know what it means. I think the reason I have so much trouble changing though is because I fill my thoughts with other shit,whether it be video games or getting high and watching anmie or something that is not her when it is time to instill some of those changes. when i’m in this robot state it surprises me when I go to talk to Q about something in our relationship or just deep in general and tears start flowing down my cheeks. it’s something i always never expect to happen and it just does. I’m grateful for those tears though because that means that being with her means more to me than I can comprehend rn. I feel it is not enough though. I don’t want to live my life making her miserable as I make these half hearted attempts to change. and honestly I can’t tell if what’s holding me back from this relationship is because I’m still deep down not over / hung up on Z, or if it’s that indeed since Z my emotinal capacity has decreased and it’s hard for me to care asmuch as I did back then (dereased to a point where change becomes difficult,) or beacuse of something as explainable as pure laziness that i’ve become sort of addicted to.

Of course I gotta take into account the traumatic experiences trichotillomania has offered me that ultimately warped my perspective of change into a mindset of “it’s easier to just not.” as an explanation to why it’s so difficult to change...but still. it feels like there’s something deeper at play here as well. I can honestly say, though, Im’ glad to finally be thinking about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve wrote out my thoughts and reached conclusions like this through writing. Maybe I shouldn’t say conclusions but more speculations. I think, out o all of this, I can sah one thing confidently. IT was a really good idea to take this break and think these things out. I’ms tarting to think I need to taste what it feels like to be alone, really alone, again. I think it would give me some clarity on how I truly feel. The issue is I can’t make my s/o wait for me to do that and I’m not stupid enough to not realize that our relationship is a one in a million type of good to just do it anyway regardless of the possible repercussions. I’m afraid to lose her beacuse I know I can be very happy with her. I just feel like something in me is missing that I need to find before that can happen. I wish I could get a taste of true lonliness in the next 3 weeks beause I’m afraid something like that would take a much longer time to accomplish. for now, i will continue to think and analyze and hopefully figure some more things out within myself.