#im so insane abt them. the boy that wanted to last no matter what it took. the boy that wanted to die no matter what it took.

[thermodynamic-comedian]

everybody's saying this all the time but i fear i have to become another post among millions to say that i cannot get over the absolutely brilliant contrast between deidara and sasori.

sasori's philosophy is that true art is eternal. something untouched by the world, forever beautiful. this makes a lot of sense for his character: he lives, in his mind, in a single moment that lasts forever. he lives, in his mind, the moment his "parents" held him, and he was young, and he was safe, and he was loved. he lives in that moment, forever. he can't let it go, can't force himself to confront the eventual decay of all life. and so, to him, the authenticity of it all doesn't matter; he'll live as plastic if it means he won't decompose like everything else. he'll create a fake world with fake people, if it means he'll never have to let go of anything ever again. beauty is that which lasts forever, and that which lasts forever has surely embraced its own fakeness. it doesn't matter whether it's real or not. what matters is that it cannot decay. it cannot end. it's eternal, and eternally beautiful.

deidara, on the other hand, is obsessed with the temporary nature of life. at 19 years old, he's already eagerly awaiting his own death. his philosophy is that the only thing we can be certain of is that nothing lasts forever; and, within that, there is beauty. he was never given as clear of a backstory as sasori, but i really don't think he needs one. i think he's just an excellent example of someone coping very poorly with a horrible case of existential dread. an ego death of sorts could easily result in the mindset he exhibits: the one in which destruction itself becomes art. things are beautiful because they're temporary. this is how he gives his own life meaning; he'll die one day, on his own terms, and that inevitable end will finally be what makes his own life art. art exists in its own absence; it is created in its own destruction. after all, we tend to picture something as much more beautiful than it ever truly was once it's no longer there. he takes joy in destroying his own art, these delicate statues and works that must've taken immense talent and effort to create, and he creates them specifically with intent to end up destroying them. he can't see meaning in his own art unless it dies. he'll only see that it was beautiful after he's destroyed it. he'll only see that he was beautiful after he's destroyed himself.

and, in a cruel twist of fate, deidara ends up outlasting sasori.

[pinkaditty]

HI i love your works sm ,,, and i really love the way you write it just brings out soemtnhign in me ,,, but hear me out on leo kurosagi angst where leo keeps insulting pc and pc just took it well until he said something sensitive (maybe sth ab the way she eats? or sth abt her face etc etc) and hurt pc's feelings and he didnt feel bad when pc cried , but when he saw pc going over to sho and sho giving him dirty looks he feels remorseful but he didnt want his pride to crack so he blamed pc , and then when pc started avouding him he started mocking her but in the inside it hurt him and his pride slightly , afterwards he found out he actually has genuine feelings for pc but denies it , until he found out pc is now his bff's gf WOW i NEED him humbled 🤗🤗🤗

Pavlov's Ghoul (Leo Kurosagi x Reader x Sho Haizono; Tokyo Debunker)

hey anon this existing is UR FAULT. (ilysm ty 4 the idea) and i hope u don't mind that I added my own little twist 2 it... hehe! even if u didn't expect me 2 write anything u can't drop a fresh, juicy steak of an idea like this and expect me not 2 salivate and tear it 2 shreds via writing it out.

OMG also TYYYYYYY IM SOSO GLAD U LIKE MY WRITING YIPPEE!!!!!!!!! i hope this is up 2 ur standards anon

a/n: why does this exist? blame anon and my inner need 4 a bitchy boy 2 be humbled amen! also i feel like i've completed my tokyo debunker rite of passage... ive finally written leo angst... nirvana at last.

summary: leo gets fuckin pavloved LMAO! considered calling this "ecstasy" or something bc of the pill line but ohh my god "pavlov's ghoul" hit too hard i fear.

cw: this isn't dark imo but be warned as this is just a little bit crazy, the most insane kind of yearning ive ever written maybe. implied sexual encounters, multiple sexual innuendos, and some odd behavior. MINORS DNI AS PER USUALLLLLL!

Looking for Part 2? Click here!

Sho's kind, reasonably so. Leo knows this. Sho also has an infinite store of deeply repressed anger. Leo also knows this. It's the reason he's in Vagastrom, after all. A deep, roiling anger that seems to eat at him if he doesn't have an appropriate outlet to balance his mood. That's why he's such a good cook, why he's so good at fighting, why he's got an excellent sense of balance and rides his bike smoother than anyone else he knew. He's using these things as outlets for his anger. It's not Leo's fault that the occasional outing to trick and deceive another sexually repressed rich old man for money is something else Sho seems to derive stress relief from. And it's not Leo's fault that Sho continues to stick around with him after those jobs are done. It's never been a problem for either of them, as far as he can tell. At least, there were no problems until Little Miss Inspector showed up.

Suddenly, Sho didn't want to lie anymore. Suddenly, Sho wanted to go as far as to address you with the proper honorifics, ask for your help with setting up his food truck, and even generally spend time with you outside of that. And for what? Some trembling, scared, pathetic girl that knew nothing of the world of anomalies prior to her curse? Some girl doomed to "die" in less than one year, no less? He couldn't understand the kindness Sho showed you. It made no sense, nor any difference. You'd be dead soon, so what did it matter?

It's got to the point where he's begun to randomly put you down with petty insults and biting remarks. They usually consist of things like "Oh my god, even preschoolers know Anomalous Biological Basics! Come on Inspector, is your head screwed on right? Not even the Captain is this stupid." or "You remember your ability is useless when we need it, right? You'd be nothing more than a burden on missions if you can't even control this power. " or even "God, you're such a basic loser. Can't you find something else to do with your free time instead hang around Sho like a lovesick puppy? You're starting to look like that dog that's always around Kagami." and worse insults. He gets the occasional sidelong disapproving glance from Alan or even a slight furrowed brow from Sho, but it didn't matter to Leo. So long as he could slowly plant seeds of doubt in his fellow ghouls and put you down to satisfy his ego, even an odd look was negligible.

He couldn't even stand looking at you. The uniform they'd chosen for you was awful, didn't even highlight your curves. He hated the way you styled your hair, and always thought he could totally do it better. The way you seemed so relaxed around other ghouls pissed him off, why couldn't he be good company? He found you repulsive, unable to resist glaring at you from the corner of his eye whenever he could. He had to get rid of you somehow. He would never admit to feeling threatened by you; instead choosing to focus all that energy into believing you were simply throwing a wrench into his plans to live an easy, get-away-with-anything university life.

It's all come to a head today. Leo thinks he's had enough of seeing you at the food truck after hours, chatting it up with Sho. It's like he can't even catch this guy alone anymore. Before he knows it, he's made a beeline for the truck. His brand new shoes scuff on the brick path in his rush, and eventually begin to stain green on the grass, his brisk stride tearing through the verdant lawn. He tries not to let his anger show on his face, but it's evident in his posture and pace. He forcefully sidles himself into the conversation, leaning on the service counter next to you, not even waiting for you to finish speaking before he pipes up. "Wow, here again, huh? And here I thought a basic bitch like you would know her place! That mouth of yours must be good for something if he keeps a chatterbox like you around."

The chill settles into the air almost immediately despite his candid tone and relaxed, smug smile. He's so focused on your reaction that he hardly notices the look Sho gives him, twisted with displeasure and confusion. He watches as you visibly falter, your lopsided smile fading into a barely-there frown. He stares, unrepentant, laughing internally. This was the reaction he wanted.

He turns towards Sho and raises an eyebrow at his look. "What? She can take it." Sho's expression visibly wavers, and Leo fully expects him to back down, as he usually does. But instead, Sho turns to you and his face grows pale. Leo rolls his eyes, assuming Sho is totally overreacting, and turns to you. He stiffens at your visible tears. Okay, totally not what he expected, but come on. This was the insult that made you cry?

Leo notices Sho is at your side in record speed, wrapping an arm around your shoulders, and gently drawing your hunched form away, giving Leo a harsh look. Leo simply scoffs. As far as he was concerned, your reaction was pathetic. It wasn't going to stop him from having any fun.

This. Under no circumstances should this hurt. At all.

Leo had noticed you'd been avoiding him. You would slink away if he so much as entered the same room as you. You wouldn't look him in the eyes if he approached, keeping your expression impassive. Sometimes you'd just outright ignore him. It was beginning to become a bit of a nuisance. He couldn't properly mock you if you weren't there to witness it happening, or didn't give him the reaction he wanted. It was odd. When he faced these feelings head-on, it almost felt like he wanted your attention somehow, even if he didn't quite want it to feel like that. A nagging feeling told him that maybe he went too far with his latest insult. He didn't want to admit that, but something told him he did. It was in the way both you and Sho acted around him.

Sho was missing a lot of Leo's calls lately, sometimes not even bothering to call back. Leo partially understood, what with the food truck business booming and all, but he didn't appreciate being made to wait for his own best friend who's usually at his beck and call. Not to mention the flat, terse responses he would get from Sho more often than not nowadays. Leo knew Sho was miffed with him from last week's incident, but as far as Leo was concerned, things still ended in his favor. He hadn't seen you around Sho much anymore, which means he could go back to how things were. No more pesky little honor student to reign upon his days any longer! Sure, there was the biting underlying feeling that maybe he'd screwed things up, but one ride on the back of Sho's motorcycle, going wherever Leo wanted as per usual, and he was living the dream again. No way everything would change over a silly, insignificant insult.

For a short while, he begins to get bolder, openly mocking you when he does come across you. His originally surface-level remarks become rather personal, even using your eventual death as a way to tease you. From "You know, I'm surprised you haven't done anything to change up that unflattering look, considering you're dying soon. Ever considered dressing up a little? You might get some attention before you die." to "Hey, Little Miss Inspector! With the number of men you talk to around campus, I'm surprised nobody's written you off as a whore yet!", and worse, of course. He continues to get no such reaction out of you, and it frustrates him to no end. Why couldn't you just frown? Shrink away? Or even retort something just as scathing back to him? Your lack of entertainment towards his endless ridicule reduced his motivation, and slowly, it ended up dying off. Soon, he left you alone altogether, not talking to you unless necessary, mimicking your actions. In a way, some part of him hopes maybe this will be what gets your attention. Even if he can't quite admit to himself that your attention, regardless of whether it's positive or negative, is what he wants.

It's late, but Vagastrom students don't go to bed until far later. And Leo needs a favor.

His crushing lack of success in garnering any sort of attention or reaction or rise from you had driven him to a point. He didn't want to apologize to you or anything, but this new habit of you ignoring him was beginning to stoke his displeasure. In his pondering, he remembered how easily Sho captured your gaze and wondered if maybe he'd have any idea of what Leo could do to at least put an end to this stalemate.

Leo's reluctance shows in the way he drags his feet on the path to Sho's room, less than eager to confront him for his opinion on something so shamelessly trivial. Why was he wasting his time with this anyway? Surprisingly, the lack of a solid answer to that question did not stop his trek. A twinge in his chest told him he knew exactly why he was "wasting his time".

In the month it had been since he'd made you cry, the nagging feeling had only gotten harsher. His mind kept flickering back to the shock of your tears and how he'd not bothered to consider it much further. An uncomfortable guilt had made itself known starting then. He never really expected you to cry; he just wanted a mild reaction. He wanted your eyes on him, flashing with anger, just for a moment. Your ire was a saccharine pill laced with ecstasy that he'd gladly crush with his teeth to speed up his high. Maybe it'd be too much to say he got off on it, but he enjoyed the way you used to roll your eyes at any comments from him a little more than he cared to admit. Now, he wouldn't even get that. It'd be rare for you to so much as make fleeting eye contact with him, not that something as small as that would be enough for Leo. Part of him was willing to accept that maybe, he'd gone too far. Maybe. But how else was he supposed to monopolize your attention when you give that out so freely? To his best friend, even?

He didn't know it was possible to covet something so terribly. He found himself wondering why he couldn't catch your attention in the same way as the other ghouls? In his quest for the same attention you gave so freely to the kinder, softer ghouls, he found another version of your attention. It was negative, but it was attention nonetheless. Your sweet, honeyed rage seemed to fill his cravings and then some, so he continued to devour it under the guise of "chasing you away" or "putting you down" or "satisfying his ego". In truth, for whatever reason, there was a rather bothersome and persistent envious longing, a covet, for your attention. Leo wants to vomit. A part of him denies it still, pushing his needless feelings to the back of his brain. He had something to do, and he ought to focus on that. What good would mere wallowing do?

He makes it to Sho's room and almost considers turning back. He stares at the door, his expression morphing into a complicated look. He shifted his feet, his slippers sliding against the floor. It was quite clear he really did not want to do this. At all. He sighs and grumbles indignantly, putting his head in his hands in an attempt to gather some courage. This couldn't be that hard, right? Just in, ask Sho a question, get an answer, then out. The only reason this was easier said than done was just because it could potentially show Leo was capable of feeling remorse, which would make this conversation leagues harder than it needed to be. He shakes his head and straightens up, preparing to knock, when he notices something.

Sho's room was... unusually quiet. Usually, Leo almost always heard some loud music or a cooking show running in the background, but he couldn't hear anything this time. Sho couldn't possibly be asleep. As late as it was, the only person who Leo knew for a fact could stay up past him was Sho, regardless of how much sleep he had gotten. There was no chance Sho was asleep. Believe it or not, Leo doesn't like to spy on Sho. But curiosity overwhelms him. What could he possibly be doing that would render the whole room in silence?

"Haxs," he whispers, listening closely.

The first thing he hears is the cling-clanging of Alan hard at work on a car in the garage. Not the sound he was meant to be focusing on. Then he hears endless jeering and loud insults shouted, though they're all muffled like they're underground. Another pit fight? Still, not the sound he's looking for. He sifts through the sounds he hears before he settles on the one coming directly from Sho's room.

Voices. Groaning, strained voices. The sound of wet skin against wet skin. Panting. Sho's panting, specifically. He could tell by the slight nasally tone of it.

Leo felt his face gradually warm. Christ, of course it'd be this he'd be up to. Leo muffles a laugh into the collar of his pajamas, keeping his hand clamped over his mouth as his body shook with mirth. When he finally calms down, he slinks off to the corner down the hall, and hides himself there, shamelessly still listening to it. Sho's a sly dog. Leo certainly didn't expect him to be getting up to anything this soon. He leans his body against the wall, crossing his arms and drumming his fingers on his arm, waiting for Sho to finish. He smirks to himself, as though enjoying the vocal show.

...

He had to admit, whoever he was with had gorgeous moans. He'd have to ask Sho if he'd be willing to pass this girl's number. He could use a couple things to get his mind off of you.

...

Okay, he had to stop listening to this now. He lifts his stigma and holds his hands over his ears for good measure, partially trying to hide the furious red blush across his face. As pretty as that girl's moans were, he was not going to listen to his best friend's climax. No thanks. He huffs out an impatient breath as his cheeks cool down, leaning his back against the wall, leaning his head back until it hit the wall with a dull thump. Now he just had to wait it out. He knew damn well Sho would never let a girl stay over. He'd never hear the end of it from yours truly, Leo.

Leo's right. It isn't long before he hears the door to Sho's room click, and hears murmured voices travel down the hall. He smirks, rushing down the hall in the opposite way, so it doesn't look like he was listening the whole time. He listens, waiting for a cue of some sort.

"Shame you have to go, you know." Sho's voice. Laced with relief, pleasure, and a thick tiredness. Leo's skin crawled. He could practically feel the smile in Sho's voice.

"It's not so bad." The girl responded with a light and playful tone, her voice seemingly much more put together than Sho's despite all that moaning. The voice sounded oddly familiar, but Leo brushed it off. Must be someone he shares classes with. "I've got things to do anyway. But it was nice to spend some time with you, Sho." Eagh. Leo internally hopes this girl isn't the type to get easily attached.

"...Yeah. Same to you. Goodnight."

"Goodnight."

Finally, he heard the girl's footsteps trailing down the hall, heading in his direction. Leo hurriedly pulls his phone out of his pocket, making sure the screen was bright as he flipped through the latest trends. He made a point of not looking up until he heard the footsteps nearing him.

He looks up, prepared for a simple glance, but ends up being rooted to the spot.

It was you. Of course, it was you. Who else would be taunting enough?

Despite himself, his gaze remains glued to you, his head turning as you walk past him. For a moment, Leo thinks you're just going to ignore him again. Then, suddenly, your gaze meets his in a flash, and he stiffens, almost out of fear. The way your eyebrows crease and the way your lips twitch downward almost makes him salivate. You were clearly displeased to see him. Even so, he notices you don't slow down, continuing your way down the hall, not bothering to crane your neck to look at him.

Leo remains rooted to the spot, watching your figure as you leave. His jaw hangs open slightly, his chest heaving with shocked breaths. His eyes are wide open, pools of gold reflecting your retreating form. His hand trembles as he holds his phone, the latest trends left neglected in the wake of a single mean-spirited glance from you. He feels his heart pound mercilessly in his chest, as though confirming what he'd tried so desperately to deny.

All at once, anger and arousal seem to grip him simultaneously. Anger at himself for feeling arousal from a mere negative glance from you. He couldn't possibly have craved your attention so viscerally he'd happily accept mere scraps. And yet here he was, a lap dog, watching you as you leave as though silently begging for another glance, another chance to watch your eyes burn with that familiar, delicious anger, another meal to satisfy his starved heart.

For a moment, he would have gladly followed you, and pestered you to death, just to irk you and become a willing victim of your wrath. Anything... just for that attention.

a/n: wow. no stop why am i kind of in shock at the poetic lines i kinda think i did a great job! but 4 whatever reason it's always the writing i think was total shit that does actual numbers *sob*

aghhhh in any case. no i don't have an excuse 4 this. my requests are still technically closed. i just... couldn't help myself... so consider this a freebie. regardless though if u like my writing feel free 2 fill the fuck out of my inbox idnc i love hearing from y'all.

also TUMBLR KEEPS TURNING OFF MY REBLOGS!!!! GRAH!!!!!! tumblr hates me y'all they keep catching on2 me 4 writing porn :( so please if u really wanna show appreciation and tumblr won't let u reblog, leave a comment! those make me happy :)

anyways. usual note that i adore likes, comments, and tagged reblogs!! please tell me how much you like my writing, i love to hear it and it keeps me going! until next timeeeeeeee!

EDIT: I FORGOTTT QUICK EXPLAINATION: im assuming everyone knows pavlov's dog and the whole classical conditioning theory. this story is basically that mixed with the mere-exposure effect.

neutral stimulus: mc's presence

natural response: leo's arousal/excitement

response-producing stimulus: mc's anger

mere-exposure effect: psychological effect in which a like or dislike of things is developed merely due 2 familiarity.

[ritzcuit]

PART 2 of "looking at all the times datz says something gay or familial that drives me crazy." i guess?! should look at part 1 if you havent yet

soj spoilers ahead obvs. part 1 here in case u missed it

i skipped A LOT between the last post and now, bc datz doesn't show up for. a while. Well like he does a little bit but it's not gay or anything. it doesn't matter. what matters is that we're back in khura'in now, we're apollo now, and athena is here

and um, dhurke is arrested for murder. lol. but talking to athena in one of those "what to do" segments gets this.......

which up until this point i haven't actually seen yet. the noise i made. DATZ HAVING A HEART ATTACK? IM GONNA HAVE A HEART ATTACK!!! WWAAAHHH!! :(!!!!! THINK ABOUT IT!! THINK ABOUT DATZ SCARED OUT OF HIS MIND FOR DHURKE'S SAFETY. THINK ABOUT IT RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!! i don't exactly know what "wanted datz to go to him" means exactly. go to dhurke? well it doesnt matter i guess. cus the way they know damn well datz would freak out and try to bust dhurke out of jail...Sniffle... Sob........ i love datz so much.... loyalest man alive fr dont play with me

and then a Lot more bullshit happens, but good news;

theyre at the defiant dragons hideout again ^_^ with the photos ^_^ if you investigate them, you get this! here comes datz jumping at the chance to talk abt his (friend's) family again. the day WEEEEEEEEEE all went out fishing. shut up. WE!!! i always knew datz was there, in my heart, taking the photo... earlier, dhurke says "the three of us [dhurke, aj, yuty] living in the mountains", but clearly datz came by often enough. WE! WE WENT FISHING! WEEE!!! its just so easy to imagine... datz insisting they take a photo .. i cant take it... how many times was datz there. fishing w them. helping cook dinner and dealing w two rambunctious boys...crying

he also takes the chance to be hurt over yuty again.. datz has a lot to say about nahyuta.

investigating the sign [sic] gives datz a chance to geek about how cool dhurke is. "his fame as a lawyer spread far and wide!" i'm sure that's how they intended for datz knows about dhurke's lawyer days, but again, i like to believe datz was his weirdgirl. he probably was the advertising campaign if we're honest 😭

now we're talking to datz directly again ^_^ asking him about the sahdmadhi law offices. "and i quote" is so annoying. i know he's doing a deep voiced impression of dhurke right there. Stop memorizing shit he says. Gay

then! he says dhurke mentioned he wants apollo to take over the offices one day...which cute and whatever, but this isnt abt dhurke's dadliness, this is about datz being such a FUCKING GEEK! he's talking to dhurke directly, right, so why are you gassing him up 😭😭 TO HIMSELF! HE'S DHURKE! "must've been because of you, dhurke!" he's too much of a good friend. he's convinced everyone thinks dhurke is as cool as He thinks dhurke is. it's insane. the fanboy behavior will never end

it's nice to see dhurke and datz interact too. we really don't see much of that in this game. dhurke always seems kind of understated with datz as compared to when he's being Boisterous Dad or Rebel Leader in public... how many quiet moments did they share together... just sharing news and shooting the shit...dhurke doesn't have to put on big leader charisma 'cause datz uplifts him no matter what. Gay

Why Do You Know That, Datz

well, it's obvious why he knows that. BC HE WAS THEEEERREEEEEE of course, as a friend of someone, you wouldn't be totally blind to how they raise their kids, but we KNOW datz was there running around! paying attention. noticing these things. crazy. knowing another man's parenting style is crazy. "that much i'm sure of" knowing another man's Thoughts is crazy. Gay

also just makes me emo :( datz rly got front row seats to dhurke's parental anguish. i can imagine a hundred convos just like the earlier one, where dhurke regrets it, and datz is trying to cheer him up, same as always ...

datz has a lot to say about nahyuta. (asking him about nahyuta obviously) actually it isnt that much. but it's so funny. him being a hypeman for both sahdmadhis is so cute... and also him seeming frustrated that he doesn't know Why yuty is acting this way...'cause he cares :( he cares for his yuty :( CAUSE HE HELPED RAISE THAT DAMN KID!

ill smack dhurke rn he pisses me off so bad sometimes. datz is out here worrying over YOUR CHILD! and you're leaving him out to dry :( datz really loves that family...thinking about him trying to nudge answers out of dhurke, but respecting his boundaries all the while...GRRRRRR he's too good for you dhurke. you need to treasure what you have

asking datz about apollo's biological father leads to another Datz Exposition Dump in which i lose my mind bc he remembers too much about this fucking family. it's almost like he cares for them or something. "dhurke's the kinda guy who can become%$^%&#$%^" THIS ISNT ABOUT DHURKE QUIT GUZZLING HIM FOR 5 SECONDS! STOP!

this part is key to me cause, again, WEEEEEEE. *WE!* it proves that datz had been friends with dhurke before anything happened... a lot of his Datz Yapping could have just been recited stories, stuff he knew secondhand, but being close enough with dhurke to help him look for an orphaned baby's mother While fending off accusations of terrorism..... it's key. real ones get it. it isnt just "oh datz is a family friend" it's "datz was there at the beginning of everything". before the dragons started at all! Gay

presenting dhurke's law book gets this. not explicitly dhurke guzzling rly but idgaf. I also refuse it being metaphorical. give datz a gay chest tattoo. COWARD! just imagine it. how intimate it would be... who was doing the tattoos for the dragons at that time anyway? a stick n poke by dhurke would be cool and badass, but then asking dhurke to do a whole chest piece on his best friend... dhurke's like, "are you sure? that's ... pretty intense," but datz's burning passion for the revolution is intense, isn't it? fellas is it gay to impart your personal symbol of revolution onto your best friend's chest by candlelight? because i'm making it by candlelight now? Hello

presenting amara's assassination file. "i got the whole thing memorized" i should smack him genuinely. ive had enough of this man for real. CUS WHY ARE YOU MEMORIZING THAT? his loyalty knows no bounds. also datz sad about yuty again.. omfg i know he is SO SAD about that boy

he is genuinely the sahdmadhi's number one fan. him being dhurke's boyfriend would be less gay than what he has going on now. like despite everything there's still Something to be proud of yuty for...even if it's being a turncoat enldkfngd ... datz cant help it...that's his lil baby 😭

there isn't a lot left in the way of like, anything, but there is this

datz coming in at the last second with Dhurke Can Do No Wrong again. not very gay but i do like them existing together :)

he's just so. ugh. i wonder what happened here so bad. how did dhurke and datz meet up at all? but dhurke asked datz to break him out and datz was like OKAY YAY ^_^ bc he probably was itchy about dhurke being in custody at all. sorry aj! objectively it looks bad but datz is, i think, incapable of seeing dhurke in a critical eye, so he just assumes dhurke's Got A Plan and he's totally coming back 'cause why wouldn't he :) he doesn't even think dhurke got caught again or anything. hes like. well surely dhurke did escape, because he's dhurke and he's the coolest most capable amazing perfect man in existence. Obviously

(those who know..)

:(

honestly, a little underwhelming all things considered, he bounces back immediately right after this because he is A Freak. well, no, it's bc he knows damn well it's what dhurke would have wanted, dragon yielding and whatnot. but seeing his sad little face devastates me. he tries to put on a determined face at first, only to revert back to this sad pensive sprite... datz... honey....

how freaky is it that datz was running around with the ghost of his bestie without even realizing it? well, that dhurke's been dead for so long... even "you're a sight for sore eyes" is with ghost dhurke, right?!

oh he got over it

"like how dhurke always wanted" WHAT ABOUT YOU. DATZ. YOU. AS A PERSON. YOU ALSO WANTED THIS. YOU COULDNT SAY "WE"? well it's in memory of dhurke, right? to honor his death? that makes sense. surely this is the last time he attributes something to dhurke specifically

STOP

and that, actually, is it. well roughly? considering i found a new section of dialogue that i totally missed up until this point, i wouldn't be surprised if something slipped my mind. I also have no idea if this was worth anyone's time, but i had fun with it anyway :3

if u read this far then cheers!! if u have any thoughts abt these specific morsels then tell me about them..!! again, like, i know it is Literally datz's purpose as a character to be the sahdmadhi lore dump in lieu of dhurke and yuty, but that just means they created an uncle who loves that family with all his heart. if we ever EVER!!!!! got any canon acknowledgement of khura'in again, which i doubt we will, i'd pray and beg for another crumb of datz content. please...

[bendarius]

I was just thinking, Do you think Ben gf is real? I personally believe it's some kinda of catfish...

Well, it's just that seeing him as straight is just UNIMAGINABLE to me. I know people are saying he can be bi/pan but Camp Cretaceous never gave us ANY possible hint of Ben liking girls... Also, I doubt they would officialize Ben as bi or pan someday. So, if he's not coded as bi/pan or officialized as it, we kind of just got queerbaited :( ?

It is not about he ending or not with someone, the thing is that the whole girlfriend reveal felt just like a way of trying to make the viewer stop doubting about Ben's queerness in general. I say that bc is kinda of obvious fans ALWAYS saw a lot of queerness in his character since the beginning of the first show, and is ingenuity to think they arent aware of the viewers' opinions about Ben...

Ps: I love ur blog so much🙌❤️

i think its clear what i think considering i wrote that fic....and no we didnt get queebaited. that would need the crew to promise that there would be more lgbt and we were never told that. its okay to read them as gay. to be fair staight is still the default but he also wasn't shown to like guys either (subtext isnt proof, didnt drop lines like "i mean i think hes cute") meanwhile darius w the beautiful boy line and how desperate he was to keep ben could be read as some kind of proof. i see him as gay no matter what because him liking girls is unfathomable to me....i seriously dont think he has a gf. if anything it wont last bc why are you long distance dating your first gf...scared of sharing irl moments w her?....

i want to work on the benrius subtext analysis. it makes me feel better that people on the crew actually see it too bc i feel less insane. but again crew art isnt official (thank god bc of that kenji darius yaoi satire) or reflective of the shows plot. itd be great if there was some benrius hint but im fine with just reading into their interactions. ben does feel gay to me in many ways with his identity and feeling comfortable in himself but with that theme its very easy to equate it. im just glad theres room for interpretation due to how he presented his gf. in the end its just abt perception, i think theres a reason who we dont rly learn a lot abt his gf. just cause he says he has one is like.....very much room to think otherwise

and thank you so much! i appreciate it, even though im not as active anymore benrius still has a huge place in my heart and i cant wait for their future interactions for real. ill always love them bc of how much chemistry they have. i like ships that have canon chemistry bc its so much easier to imagine a future w them.....hopefully benrius goes down as one of the most coded gay ships trust

[rrxnjun]

yeahh stress is pretty bad and it got to me so🤕🤕 but doing much better now so that's at least good!! ahhh i hope u don't stress much as well!!!! and sometimes it's good to just take brakes from studying so i think u should count being on tumblr as that🫠

chenle hit hard dude and i'm so happy about it in a way cuz at least i relate to something🥲 but what took me off guard in the middle of wiping my tears is when i saw my birthday as one of the dates so that made me laugh so hard for some reason🫡 well it will be a while till i know the results so we will see but i don't think it will be better🥲 ahhh thank u for saying that i appreciate it i kinda needed to hear that so thanks;-;-;-;💓💖💞u are too lovely;-;💖💞

WELL THAT DOESNT MATTER IM JUST GLAD TO HEAR ABOUT IT🥳 uuuu i'm so excited about it wahhh🥳🥳 WELL I DIDNT MIND THE LAST ONE AS WELL CUZ I LOVED THE TRAILER SO EVEN IF IT WOULD HAPPEN NOW I WOUDLNT MIND I DONT THINK🤣

well i'm very glad that u translated it to me so u are the best slovak person out there imo🫡🫣

oo god🥲 IDK WHY PEOPLE HAVE TO BE SO RUDE ABOUT NOT SPEAKING A LANGUAGE☹️SOME PEOPLE ARE SO DUMB AND RUDE MY LORDDD☹️☹️and german is a hard language anyways🥲 that's probably more than enough german words a person should know🫡 well let's just hope and pray u only run into nice people in hungary!!! I WILL GLADLY HELP WITH ANYTHING NEED IN HUNGARY🥳🥳🥳 (ofc sending it right now as i write/j)

i'm not gonna lie i will call myself a stan of treasure but still have trouble with jeongwoo and jaehyuk for some reason AND I HAVE BEEN FOLLWOING THEM FOR LIKE A YEAR NOW AND ITS NOT LIKE I DIDNT WATCH A CRAP TON OF STUFF WITH THEM so🤕🤕🤕 and i genuinely don't know why i switch them up so often🫤 i'm praying for u hopefully u won't die from laughing too much cuz they are very funny (and i tend to be the same way so i feel u on that one🫣) DUDE I LAUGHED OUT LOUD LMAO u really said the communist bugs bunny meme with that one🤣 i knew it wouldn't be long till i have to share him💔he his just too amazing🤭 YEAH I SHOULD HAVE EXPECTED IT TBH🫠🫠that's what got me as well and his whole style tbh

U NEVER DISAPPOINT!!! AND U JUST NEVER MISS!!! i think my thoughts were kind of a mess cuz of the crying but it was amazing i loved the whole story so much!!! thank u for being an amazing writer!!!

(u are going to get me blushing for real i'm glad to hear that!!! ur replies usually make my day u are just too lovely🥹) (liebestraum anon💕)

awh i hope you relax even more soon, stress is a bitch. me personally i dont feel it but thats just bc i supress it a lot LMAO 😭😭 but thankyou for saying that yes i do consider tumblr as my mental health brake SJSJS

chenle did hit hard poor boy 💔 also omg no way???? which date 🤭 (if u feel comfy sharing ofc)) i originally wanted to add my bday too but it didnt fit with the timeline so i had to change it 🙄🙄 i did write abt marks and renjuns bday altho i did manage to sneak hyuck's in as well🤭

AHAHA no bc i was telling myself when posting it like "this is my promise that im gonna finish the fic" AND THEN I DIDNT DJSJSJ so i dont want that to happen again. i was clearing out my notes ((where i keep all my fic ideas) and found the liebestraum idea dated all the way back to 2021 😶 SJSJ i really do need to finish it soon

it was a middle aged woman tbf i shouldve expected her to act like a karen ☹ german is a hard language and also austrians sound completely different than germans do 😭😭 their dialect is kinda different and they even have different words for some things LMAO but thats not the point. also im arranging the budapest trip as we speak /j

AHAHA i think im a baby teume now dont tell anyone and after binging most of treasure map i can confidentely tell the three i mentioned apart like 70% of the time so 😶 im so sorry everyone. THEY ARE INSANELY FUNNY and also very very genuine i feel 😶 they are just some guys doing things and being real and i respect that AHAHA its like watching friends hang out and feeling like youre a part of their circle. altho every time yedam appears on the screen my heart breaks bc ive had the biggest soft spot for him ever since seeing him on the stray kids survival show 💔 he has a special place in my heart SJSJ when the news came out i was like oh that must be heartbreaking to hear im glad im not a treasure stan and look where we are now 😭👍THE COMMUNIST MEMEMSHSJSK STOP no but im afraid this is the reality i did not steal your boyfriend we are sharing. HIS STYLE!!!! but also his personality he is a menace (affectionate) and for some reason thats my type of men

also it breaks my heart to hear that ppl cry to my fics oh noo😭😭 but at least that means my words can move someone ig??☹ thank you sm for supporting me and for being great i always look forward to interacting with you

[verawhisk]

my dear friend. i am so mentally exhausted and have shed literal tears tonight. i am so happy. i will catch up on everything you’ve posted for tonight in the morning, but what were ur thotz abt tonight <3

omg hi you dont have to do that! you’re too nice to me rosey. besides i turned into a little autistic creature last night lolol, sorry y’all had to witness that. but im so glad you saw that card! it was INSANE!! i was so prepared for it to be not that great because 2022 has kinda sucked in terms of fights yknow? just lots of dubious, weird moments with injuries and strange decisions within the organization and ofc its not the fighters’ faults but still i was so ready for this to be bad

luckily it was actually amazing all the way from the start of prelims to the end of the main event!! it was incredible!! they said it broke the record for first round finishes! i just cant believe the show they all put on… they have so much heart and courage, every single one of them

i was actually considering not buying the ppv this time because 280 was so bad LOL could you imagine if i didnt buy it? i would have missed possibly the best card this entire year

first of all i was so overcome with joy when dan got the win over puelles, i was damn near crying hahah. i mean a win over costco ryan hall is not SUPER impressive but who cares?? THAT’S MY BOY!! HE’S SO CUTE!! and i want him in perth dammit. give him his flowers dana. (fun fact: i started watching mma mainly because i watched the conor vs. urijah season of tuf and i thought ryan hall was so cool LMAO)

(this crusty ahh drawing from 2021…. yup i thought he was super cool and im kinda sad that he’s less active than other fighters but if i were offered a fight with ryan hall i’d probably turn it down too)

as for frankie vs. gutierrez my stomach dropped when he landed that knee bruh. what the hell was that? bro HAD to know that was frankie’s last fight and to do that to him in front of his family is just sick… i mean good on him for not sandbagging just for someone else’s career to go out on a nice note but did you have to finish him that brutally?? idk man maybe im just a casual but he deserves more than that

poirier vs. chandler… im not even exaggerating when i say that fight made me nearly puke and pass out bro. i got fucked up sweat glands so your girl can’t sweat but if she could she woulda been DRIPPING from head to toe last night LOL. guys i think the reason i went so crazy was because i actually mentally prepared myself for the fight to be bad, for real. that’s genuinely what i did. i went into the fight telling myself that there was a well and good possibility that michael might actually just wrassle him into a decision and i was all good with it because i was still gonna like them no matter what. but HOLY CRAP i need to remind myself to never doubt them ever again because that was AMAZING!!!! start to finish was just an absolute dog fight. they looked so exhausted and broken and blood was pouring everywhere and michael was tossing dustin like a bag of flour only for said bag of flour to start raining punches on him (a la justin gaethje lol) and it was fucking incredible and i cant believe it really happened. not to mention the alvarez-chandler-gaethje-poirier circle of violence is finally complete hahah omg it feels unreal. and i can't believe dustin finished ALL of them.. he's so classy and talented and handsome lul he's really the perfect fighter

but hol on i wanna mention michael cheating because i’m not gonna lie that really made me question him?? not that iron michael chandler cares about what some delusional mma fan in canada thinks about him LMAO but still he always carries himself like a professional athlete everywhere he goes and he seems to pride himself on his ability to stand out among the fighters who don’t have the speaking style or the business etiquette that he does, so when he went into the fight and started pounding on the back of his head and actually HOOKING HIS FINGERS on the inside of dustin’s mouth trying to make him show his neck, it made me scratch my head because why are you behaving like an olympic athlete in front of the press only to go in the cage and treat your opponent like an abused farm animal lmao?

though im ngl… the idea of this polite, charismatic, american psycho type dude entering the cage and turning on mean ape mode is actually fucking hilarious? and he’s kind of more interesting to me now?? so i guess it doesn’t really matter that my opinion of him went down a little hahah silly observation but there’s my two cents. i’m still super impressed by both of them and they both have my heart at the end of the day

during weili vs carla i was playing runescape. i’m so sorry. i was just tryna level up my fishing i really have no clue what happened other than that weili finished carla because she’s really awesome and she kicks ass and i feel really bad that i wasn't paying attention IM SORRY LMAO!! my social credit score is in massive danger rn

izzy vs pereira had me biting my nails into little shreds because i could feel exactly what they were feeling. alex is just one of those “one clean hit and you’re out” fighters but izzy is obviously still a master of striking so watching those exchanges was like watching two people balancing on a plank over shark-infested waters lolol it was crazy nerve wracking. however y’all know that i was rooting for alex so i am super duper happy and i can’t wait to see who challenges him next!! tbh i’d prefer anybody but khamzat because if he really does move up to middleweight and becomes alex’s first challenger he’s fucked lmao cries… please start training in dagestan alex thank u <3

thanks for asking me ahh it really means a lot to me that you actually care about what i think. :D let me know what you thought about it too!!

[comphersjost]

All for You | 2 ➸ Brady Tkachuk and Matthew Tkachuk

hi, its 3 am, and i couldnt stop until i finished this. ik i promised yall another part on thursday so im sorry this is later then i was hoping. i hope you enjoy it :) i took a different approach to brady here than ive normally seen, let me know how you guys like it!!

It’s been 4 and a half months since that day in the basement. With Christmas just days away and Matty on a flight back home, you and Brady take a risk, leaving Matt to wonder where he went wrong.

word count: 4.6k

warnings: this is really angsty yall, like actually, smut, sir kink, brady is Mean, uh moral ambiguity sorta (thinking abt someone else during sex), d/s undertones sorta, unprotected sex (be safe), oral (m on f), some choking, alcohol (wine), sex under the influence, pls ignore any typos fkakldfa

part one

part two

part three

part four

part five

masterlist

Even with how utterly fucked the situation was that Matt had found himself in, there was one thing he couldn't stop thinking about. It was the way his logo and his last name and his number rested against your back that drove him insane.

It was burned into his retinas.

Even now, on a plane back home to St. Louis it was all he could think about. Every time he closed his eyes it was you you you.

It had been months since he had seen you. Nearly 5 months had passed since that night in the basement. And it killed him.

He was in a slump. Everyone knew it. He knew it, his teammates knew it, the damn front office knew it. And it was because of you.

His teammates had quickly put together your absence at any sort of gathering and Matty’s sulking. 4 and a half months later he resembles a shell of the man he used to be.

He had called, of course he had. Over and over, hoping, pleading, praying to any deity that existed out there to hear from you again.

Matthew’s prayer was answered one day, when he had come out of practice to find a text from you. His heart rate accelerated, time felt like molasses as his phone camera ID’d his face. As the facial recognition unlocks his phone, the message is revealed.

Please stop calling me. And tell the boys to stop too.

The text tears his heart to shreds. It was the last straw. Before he had been mopey, but now - now he was spiraling. His play was abysmal - a shit show on the ice really. He drank until he blacked out every time, not even looking at another girl.

He had contemplated going to your work, but decided a player in the middle of a slump having a restraining order filed against him would not go over well with the Flames management. Every time he went out for the most mundane task, groceries, dry cleaning, he couldn’t help the hope that he would run into you. Even if you didn’t give him the time of day it would be enough for him to just see you.

He hadn’t seen you since that day. Not for lack of trying, though. Matthew had been to all the spots you used to frequent—the grocery store you love, the clubs you two used to go to, even the 7/11 you had both been to after the both of you got so drunk that you could barely walk. You weren’t on the flight you had booked back together. In fact, he had no idea about anything that’s been going on in your life, his mom just told him that you’re okay and that was all he got.

Now it was 3 days before Christmas and the idea of seeing you again both filled him with dread and also made him feel more alive than he had in months. He was equally utterly terrified and buzzing with excitement. His hands itched to hold you again, though he knew there was a bigger chance of you slapping him than letting him kiss you the way he wanted.

As Matt stares out the window at the clouds, he lets his mind wander. He wonders how you're doing; are you okay? After everything that happened did you pick up right where you left off? He wondered if you missed him, if he was on your mind as much as you were on his.

He still wondered if you loved him back.

-

“Mom, I really just, I really want to stay home and do nothing tonight okay? I'm tired.”

Your mom rolls her eyes at your attempt at getting out of going over to Tkachuk’s house tonight. You’d been trying since 9 am.

“Honey, I know you said you and Matthew don’t hang out anymore, but he won't be there!” she tried reassuring you, “Brady and Taryn will be there to hang out with you until Taryn goes to spend the night with the Johnson’s.” That made you groan even louder - you had to be alone with Brady. Great, now you had to steel yourself for a night of utter humiliation.

Brady isn't even downstairs yet when you enter the Tkachuk’s threshold, Chantal’s call for her kids brings Taryn down in an instant, ever excited to see you.

“Y/N!” she squeals, running down the stairs, “You're here, you're here!”

“Y/N?” you hear faintly, and then the slam of Brady’s door and rapid footsteps. He nearly slides down the stairs, freezing at the bottom when he spots you. Taryn lets you out of her embrace, leaving you to stare wide-eyed at Brady. Unsure how to navigate your way out of this situation, you keep staring at Brady as your parents and Taryn follow Chantal to the kitchen.

“Hi, B,” you say meekly, unsure of how he’ll receive you after so long.

“Hi, buttercup,” he responds, a bright smile pulling at his lips. It’s all he needs to take a few quick steps in your direction and draw you into his arms.

“I missed you so much, buttercup,” he whispers against your hairline, “More than you know.”

Despite his warm welcome, the night is tense. You still don't know what he thinks of that night, not wanting to ask him in front of your families - well, most of your families anyways. You didn't even let yourself think about what would happen when you saw Matthew at the next dinner party. You sat at the table and ate your food, barely speaking to Taryn and answering Keith and Chantal’s inquiries about your life in Calgary with a tight smile.

You’re so zoned out trying to make time go faster you barely register your parents telling you that they’re going out with Keith and Chantal.

“Mom, wait-”

“Y/N,” she warns, looking at you with that look, and you sigh in resignation. She smiles at you, a silent promise to make it up to you.

Taryn had left 30 minutes ago, announcing that she had somewhere to be before leaving as quickly as she could, uncomfortable with the palpable tension between you and Brady.

You watch your parents leave, wincing for a moment at what awaits you when you turn around. To your surprise, what greets you is a glass of wine hovering in front of your face.

You take the peace offering gingerly from Brady’s hand with a tiny smile. And it’s a really bad idea, the way you let him keep refilling your glass, and his own, let him draw you in during The Grinch on the couch, let him hold you tight under the blanket that was covering the both of you.

You can hear your common sense screaming in the back of your mind when you snuggle closer into Brady’s chest. It’s near 11 now, and your parents are still together, laughing and drinking in the living room of your house before Keith and Chantal are supposed to head to the airport. You're cuddled up to Brady, shifting every few minutes to try and get closer, even though nearly every inch of your body is practically glued to him.

He hums when you shift again, nuzzling your face into his shoulder. “Gotta go home,” you say, your voice muffled against him. It’s not like you haven't spent the night with him before; you just haven't since that night.

“Probably,” he mumbles, arms tightening around you. “But I don't want you to.” And like, you've had way too much wine and you should probably go before Matty gets here cause you really can't handle that conversation like this so you push off of Brady, standing up but stumbling, wine sloshing over the lip of the glass and splattering on your pants.

“Fuck,” you hiss, the red wine surely staining the gray leggings you wore. Brady takes the glass from you, placing it on the table and stabilizing you with his other hand.

“Go change upstairs,” he says softly, looking up at you with those eyes you're such a sucker for. “Stay.”

And - how can you say no to that? You can't, because it's Brady and you're so damn easy for him it didn't matter what he’d asked you to do, you would do it without a second thought.

That's how you find yourself stumbling to Brady’s bedroom, barely finding your way to his bathroom to change out of your stained leggings and wipe yourself down. You rummage through Brady’s dresser, searching for - there it was. A pair of Brady’s sweatpants from high school that he stopped wearing approximately 2 months after he got them [mostly because he couldn't find them (mostly mostly because they were either in your room or on your body)].

You place the worn sweats on top of Brady’s dresser, fumbling to close the drawer and find your balance. Someone clears their throat and your head snaps towards the doorway. Brady is leaning against the doorframe and through the fuzziness of the wine, you register the thought that he looks so good like this - in his comfort zone.

“Hey,” he says, pushing off the doorframe towards you.

“Hi,” you whisper back, eyes too focused on Brady moving towards you.

“We should give it a shot,” Brady husks, hooded eyes trailing down your body and back up again. Suddenly the room feels too cold, the oversized sweater you had on stopped at the top of your thighs, barely covering the pale pink panties you were wearing. The sweater paws gave an air of innocence around you that Brady knew was fake.

“What are you talking about?” you whisper meekly, both concerned about what was going on in that head of his, and intrigued.

“You know how you feel about me,” Brady states - which isn't entirely true anymore, but you don’t interrupt. “I don’t know how I feel about you, and neither of us actually knows if this-” he motions between the two of you “-is it for us, so I say, we give it a shot and see how it feels. Let’s give it until we go back?”

When did he get so close to you? Brady’s taking more steps forward, and you’re taking as many steps back, until the back of your thighs hit the corner of the bed and you instinctively sit.

Which - in retrospect, was probably a mistake, because now Brady towers over you even more than before and now - you’re really intrigued. His fingers trail over your jaw, thumb swiping gently across your bottom lip.

You part your lips out of habit, eyes widen when you realize what you’ve done. Brady laughs darkly when he catches your slip up, stroking your face affectionately.

His thumb slips between your lips for a moment, and your eyes flutter shut as your cheeks hollow around him.

“Look at me,” he commands softly, and you do, opening your eyes to stare up at him again; Brady, your best friend. He smiles proudly, murmuring a soft, “Good girl.”

The words are uttered at the same time he withdraws from your warm mouth, wrapping his fingers gently around your throat. You can’t help the whine that escapes, mortified when Brady’s grin widens.

He leans down, mouth next to your ear to whisper, “Matty always did like it when they’re needy. Needy girls drive us crazy.”

Really, the thought of Matt shouldn’t be driving you crazy, but it is. And when you feel Brady’s nose nudge against yours, his mouth just millimeters from you - your biggest fantasy for nearly 20 years - you knew you were going to hell.

A needy moan escapes your throat before Brady’s hand tightens around your throat and you give in, looping your arms around his neck. You pull him down to meet your lips, nearly clawing at him in your desperation.

Faintly, you think that this is a bad idea, this would only hurt you more later on.

But the longer you kissed him, the less you cared about the consequences. You wanted - you needed Brady so fucking bad right now you were willing to deal with whatever the aftermath presented you with. Brady’s other hand finds the bottom of your sweater, slipping underneath the fabric to lay against your rib cage.

You needed more.

“Brady,” you whine as you break away from his lips, tugging at his hoodie. “Need you.” Brady chuckles darkly, tugging you by your throat to kiss him again.

“Ask nicely,” he husks against your mouth.

“Please,” you whimper again, pulling harder at the fabric to just get him closer. “Please, Brady, I need you so bad.”

“Try again.” Brady pushes you - nearly tosses you really - further up the bed with a snarl, ignoring the yelp you let out at the suddenness of his mood shift. You stare up at him, eyes wide and lips parted. You're unsure of your next words.

“Please…Daddy?”

A cocky smirk pulls at the corner of his lips. “Not quite.”

You think for a moment, watching him bring his hand behind his back and pull his shirt over his head. The dark look he gives you makes you shrink, as if to say ‘Still?’.

Suddenly your eyes light up, and Brady can see it. He's already on the bed, crawling up your body as you attempt to control your breath. The words are barely out before he's kissing you again.

“Please sir?”

Brady groans into your mouth when he hears you say the words, slotting himself between your thighs to grind his hips against yours. You mewl into his mouth when his clothed cock catches against your clit, pushing your hips up against him for more. He growls as he pulls away again, swatting your thigh as a warning.

“Careful, princess,” Brady warns - voice low and dangerous - and his grip on your hip so tight you knew there would be bruises in the morning, “or I won't be.” His words are thick with intention, both a threat and a promise.

“Yes, sir,” you breathe shakily, letting yourself fall against the sheets to look up at him.

Brady’s eyes soften for a moment, reaching up to brush your hair out of your eyes. “Hi,” he whispers, leaning down to steal a kiss.

“Hi,” comes your response. He steals another kiss before pulling away again, and you can't help but think that he looks beautiful like this.

I love you. I'm in love with you.

You want to say it, the voice inside you is screaming it. It’s screaming for you to say it, and Brady is looking at you almost like he wants you to too.

The feeling of his hands pushing your sweater up distracts you from your plight. Brady’s movement is slow, and he’s looking at you intensely, giving you time to stop him. You only nod, and the softness is gone as soon as it had come. You lift your arms to help him bring the material over your head. He tosses the sweater to the side, catching your wrists when you reach for him. He guides them back over your head, smirking as you suppress a shudder when he leans in a whispers against your mouth. “Be a good girl and keep your hands there princess.”

You nod quickly, grasping the sheets in anticipation. Another slap to your thigh has you rethinking.

“I’m sorry!” you gasp. “Yes, sir.”

Brady hums in acknowledgment, kissing down your throat until he’s staring up at you from the valley between your breasts. You whine softly when he pulls a nipple into his mouth, his teeth grazing the harden peak before soothing it with his tongue. His hand is pinching and pulling at your other nipple, making your noises significantly louder. He alternates, playing with your nipples until they're swollen and sensitive and sore.

He sits back on his heels to look at you, hands on your knees now, sliding up your thighs. His eyes roam your body unabashedly, while his fingers play with the waistband of your panties. There's a burning look in his eyes as he says, “You're gorgeous. You're so fucking beautiful.”

You don't know why hearing him say it makes you tear up. Brady had told you that you were pretty before, that you cleaned up nice, always telling you how hot you were when he'd see you dressed up before events. He was your own personal hype man but he'd never called you beautiful.

Not like this.

Not like Matty.

Not like Matty.

The thought makes your blood run cold.

“Please,” you mewl, starting to reach for Brady before remembering what he told you. Your hands fly back above your head, twisting in the sheets, whispering, “I’m sorry, sir, I forgot.”

Brady smiles softly, slipping his finger under the waistband of your panties, tugging on it before letting it snap back against your skin. “Such a good girl,” he murmurs, leaning down to kiss softly at your stomach. “Trying so hard to be good for me.” He shuffles himself backwards as he kisses his way down your body, sliding your panties down your legs at the same time until they've fallen to the floor.

“Wait,” you say softly, causing Brady to pause, his expression quizzical. “Please, I need you.”

Brady grins wickedly. “Just a taste princess.”

It turns out, ‘a taste’ actually means Brady edging you with his tongue until you were nearly crying. He's brought you to the brink three times now, each time getting you closer and closer before pulling away. At this point he's holding your hips down and your hands are as tangled in the sheets as you could get them, not wanting the repercussions of disobeying.

Brady’s tongue is sliding through your folds again when you finally break.

“Please!” you sob, tears finally sliding down your cheeks as your back arches from the pleasure. “Please, Brady, please, sir, please please, I- I need - please just - fuck - please.”

Brady hums against your cunt, the vibrations tearing a scream from your throat. Suddenly the warmth of Brady’s mouth is gone, leaving you chasing him with a buck of your hips. He pins you back down again easily, his lips glistening as he smirks. You hate the way the sleazy look on his face does it for you.

It reminds you of Matt.

You whine again, wiggling your hips as much as you could in Brady’s grip. “Please just fuck me,” you whisper, squeezing your eyes shut. You feel his lips press against your hip, smiling against your skin.

“Anything my girl wants, she gets,” he murmurs against your skin.

My girl. The words echo over and over again in your head. My girl my girl my girl.

Two words you've been waiting years to hear come out of his mouth, and the only thing you could think of was how you liked it better when Matty said it.

Your eyes stay shut as Brady kisses up your body, fingertips dancing over your skin. His mouth finds yours, emptying your brain of all other thoughts but him.

“You ready for me, pretty girl?” he asks you, a hand coming up to stroke your cheek gently, wiping your tears away. Your eyes flutter open, to look at him, nodding as you bite your lip. His thumb tugs your lip out from between your teeth as you feel the tip of his dick brush against your thigh. You didn't even realize that he had taken off the rest of his clothes, but you weren't complaining. Not with him so close like this.

“Please,” you whimper, and after stealing another kiss, Brady sinks into your heat.

“Fuuuuuck,” he groans, gripping the back of your thigh to spread your legs even further. “You're so fucking tight, fuck you feel so good.” Once he’s bottomed out, Brady leans down to kiss you, swallowing your desperate noises.

He gives you little time to adjust, and really - you don't need it considering the way he tortured you with his mouth and fingers. You're whining into his mouth as his hips move against you, the drag off his cock inside you so fucking good after being denied like you were.

You're close already, and Brady knows, delivering sharp thrusts and hitting a spot inside you that made you see stars.

He finally breaks from your lips, breathing heavily as his hips slam into your cunt. “I'm so close,” you tell him, gripping the sheets above your head so hard you feel like you might rip them. “Please, please let me cum, sir, please.”

It seems like Brady finally thinks you've had enough torture, because he brings his hand from your thigh to your clit, rubbing quick tight circles. “You've been so good for me baby,” he grunts, his other hand holding him up so he can look down at you. “Come on baby, you can touch me now, come on princess, cum for me.”

That's all it takes to send you over the edge. Your hands come flying from above your head to grasp at Brady, his shoulders, his back, tangling in his hair, anything to just touch him. You cry out as your orgasm hits, your back arching under Brady as he relentlessly fucks you through it.

You faintly register Brady’s filthy encouragement in your ears, telling you how good you are for doing what he says, for not touching him this whole time, for cumming for him like this. You writhe against him as you feel him spill into you, grunting as he fucks into you, chasing his orgams with shallow, sloppy thrusts. It feels like you've been riding your high forever; your vision is blurry when you finally come down.

Brady’s breath is hot on your neck, his hands stroking your skin gently as the two of you catch your breath. He shushes you gently as you moan when he pulls out of you. Brady practically collapses next to you, wrapping an arm around your waist, tugging you into his chest. He peppers kisses across your skin, nudging his nose against your cheek to grab your attention.

You can barely turn your head, suddenly so tired you feel like you'll pass out right that second. “Hi,” he murmurs, kissing you gently. You hum and bury your face in his neck.

“‘M sleepy,” you mumble against his skin, eliciting a soft laugh from him.

“Then sleep,” he says, before smirking devilishly, “don't worry there's lots more where that came from, but in the morning.” You snort at his words, squeezing the back of his neck before burying your fingers in his curls.

“Night, B,” you mumble.

“Goodnight, buttercup.”

-

Matthew was going to kill his brother. He was going to straight up murder him. On top of not being there to pick him up from the airport, he also didn't answer any texts or calls from Matt.

So yeah, when Matthew got home, he was going to kill Brady. When the Uber finally pulls up in front of him, Matthew is nearly halfway done with his plan to get away with it.

He fiddles with his phone as the driver pulls away from the curb, scanning the random notifications that he had popped up when he got off the plane. It's when he opens up Instagram that he really pays attention, the 3 stories in a row at the top of his feed catching his eye.

Taryn’s, yours, and Brady’s. Against his better judgement, he taps Taryn’s magenta-rimmed profile picture. The story takes a moment to load, but when it does, he sees a picture of you in front of the Tkachuk’s Christmas tree. You had your arms out in a ‘ta-da’ fashion, the fingers barely poking out through the sleeves of your sweater. Taryn’s caption reads “didn’t need an angel for the tree cause we already got @y/n/y/l/n”. He can't help but smile fondly, so distracted by how cute you look that he just stares at you until the time is up - but not before pressing on the screen so he could screenshot the photo.

Your first story was a repost of Taryn’s, a simple white heart emoji in the bottom corner. The second was a shot of the TV in the Tkachuk’s living room displaying the Grinch’s title. The caption reads “heart grows two sizes bigger when i’m home :)”. The location is tagged as St. Louis, with Taryn and Brady tagged in the corner of the photo. The third post makes his blood run cold, it's a video of you and Brady, your back against his chest as you lay on the couch, the caption the cross-eyed emoji and Brady’s handle. Brady is facing away from the camera in the beginning of the video, your eyebrows raised as you wait for him to notice. When he does he laughs and reaches for your phone. The video cuts off there.

Matthew taps the left side of his screen to replay it, an unpleasant feeling twisting in his gut. He doesn't want to watch Brady’s story, but he taps the right side of his screen anyways. It's a photo of you on the couch, one knee pulled up to your chest with the other in Brady’s lap, and a glass of wine in your hand. Your hair is piled into a messy bun on top of your head as you wink at the camera and make a peace sign with your free hand, tongue peaking out of the corner of your mouth.

Matt screenshots the picture.

He’s angry; angry because his brother left him stranded at the airport. Angry because he said he hadn't spoken to you either, that you didn't answer any of his texts and calls since that night. He's angry because Brady managed to get you back, and Matt didn't.

Matty’s angry because he loves you, and he's pretty sure you still love Brady.

When the car finally pulls up to the house, he’s almost relieved. He notes that the lights are off downstairs as he lets himself in, pausing when he sees your shoes still by the door. The glow of the TV is visible in the living room, and as Matt pads towards it, the uneasy feeling grows.

There's two partially filled glasses of wine on the coffee table, as well as yours and Brady’s phones. He taps on Brady’s phone, revealing the unread texts and unanswered calls from Matt, as well as an unread text from Chantal, telling Brady that he would have to be the one to pick up Matty from the airport.

The pit in Matt’s stomach only deepens as he climbs the stairs, duffle bag in hand. He goes slowly, trying to prolong his inevitable heartbreak, but it doesn't change what he sees at the top.

Brady’s bedroom door is half open, the light from the hallway streaming in.

Matthew knows it's a bad idea when he takes one, two, three steps and he's in front of Brady’s door. He takes a deep breath and pokes his head inside the room. The sight nearly knocks the wind out of him.

You're tucked under Brady’s arm, your nose squished against his cheek and your hand curled around his neck.  He can see the bare skin of your back and stomach pressed against Brady’s bare torso. A blanket covers the both of you from the waist down. Brady’s hair is a mess, and so is yours, and suddenly Matt feels nauseous.

He feels like he would do anything - anything - to make the feeling in his chest go away. It feels like pressure, too much pressure, in his chest, and he nearly clutches his heart. The blood is rushing in his ears, he can't breathe, he feels dizzy.

Why does it hurt so much?

Before he can think it through he’s stumbling to his room. He kicks the door shut behind him, tossing the duffle back on the floor near his bed. His hands are reaching for the backpack on his shoulders and pulling out his laptop before it even hits the ground. He doesn't even sit, placing the laptop on his bed and bending down to type into the search bar.

He barely pays attention to the final amount when he hits “confirm” - he has more money than he knows what to do with anyways. The moment it’s done he sighs, watching the Gmail notification light up on his phone.

“Flight Confirmation, December 23rd, 2020 11:25 pm

St. Louis, Missouri to Calgary, Canada”

[patheticfrogarchive]

…please elaborate 👀 (I agree w/ bts post)

OK I AM DRUNK BUT HERE ARE MY MAIN THOUGHTS that are probably a mes but again i am quite drunk

kpop stan culture is. absolutely encouraged by the big name... labels i guess??

take bts in particular for example. they are the only kpop group im familiar w so im just gonna be talking abt them from now on

LIKE ITS DOWN TO THE SMALLEST THINGS. weverse notifications?? its always "*idol name* shared a post with you" YOU. LIKE. YOU PERSONALLY. NO!!!!! HE DID NOT SHARE IT WITH YOU!!! ITS A PUBLIC POST!!!

like its all set up tp make you think that you have a personal relationship with these guys. i hate the twitter buzzword of parasocial relationship BUT IT REALLY IS. you have bts members coming online and waxing poetic about how much they "miss army" and "cant wait to see army" as if its a singular person. its not. there is no way they care about every single individual fan. im sorry but they dont

im sure they are lovely guys. and i dont doubt that they are very apreciative of their fans. fans make the artist you know? theyd be insane to not be tahnkful!!! but to LOVE EVERY SINGLE FAN???? ALL THE SHIT THEY SAY ABOUT "OH I WONDER WHAT ARMY ARE DOING TODAY" THEY DONT CARE!!!!! HOW CAN THEY!!!!! ITS NOT REAL!!!! their personas are so obvisouly formulated and created to sell shit

its all about selling shit. yes the 7 members of bts are most likely in it bc they are truly passionate about making music and spreading kindess but like. the company they are under only cares about money. trying to argue otherwise makes you look whack to me

people are all about eat the rich and capitalism bad until its benefitting their fave sexy man

ANYWAY people wholly devote their fucking lives to these people who will NEVER know them or truly care about them and its genuinely insane for me to watch like. i will see countless people on twitter waste DAYS of their lives streaming songs and waste so much money buying shit just to """support their boys""" when the LAST thing these guys need is money. charts mean nothing. numbers mean nothing. at the end of the day it does not fucking matter if their shitty song written by ed sheeren reached number one or not. and you all wasting your lives away acting like youre working a full time job streaming garbage is a waste of time im sorry!!!!!

its actually insane and kind of sad that i see so many young people devoting their lives to these people who do NOT know them and will NEVER know them or care about them the way these fans want them to. its an insanely unhealthy culture that is set up and is, in my opinion, DESIGNED to prey on vulnerable people.

and again. im sure the bts guys are lovely people. im sure theyre very nice. but at the same time im sure they too have been taught to say things certain ways to draw these people in and cnvince fans that they have personal relationships. "army we care about you all!!" no they dont. its impossible. yes im sure they're grateful for their fans!!! any famous persn would be insane to not be!!! but do they care about each and every individual one???? HELL NO!!!!!!!

also just a side note but if you ask me its actually kpop stans who infantalize these idols the most. they are not your "boys" they are not the "tannies" they are not your "uwu softe hobi jimim tatetae joonie jinnie meow meow kookie" who do no wrong and need defending from harm. they are grownass men who you need to treat like normal adult human beings. stop being fucking weird. as as korean person myself its fucking demeaning seeing prominent korean people being treated like fucking babies who cant handle anything that comes their way. i PROMISE you that jungkook isnt getting depressed over some random twitter user who called him ugly. you dont need to report them for hate speech. its not that big a deal. god. yes they and other korean groups face racism, but not everytning is a fucking attack.

there is nothing wrong with loving a kpop group or stanning a certain idol but also you have to be realistic about it. if your mental health is suffering because of someone you do not know, or if you are suffering financially because of a kpop idol, please seek help.

[woozi]

the thirst tweets yza 😭😭😭 i cannot. as much as fun this was, we were so close to getting jaebs with cats <//3

headlocking sk 😭😭 DJJDSKSK i would stand there like wonu clapping in the soop, for you <3. it's hindi ( actually it's my 2nd language but i speak in it the most w ppl outside of family djdjdjk ) my mother tongue is almost dwording djdjdkdk </3 i think im last gen who still speaks it, kids these days only know hindi or english.

ALSO!!! the footwork in senses choreo???? i liked it sm <3 yugyeom makes it look so easy to move like that?!?

same jdjdkddk godddd sometimes it takes a month to complete a drama which i like and started on my own will and sometimes it only takes 3 days. it doesn't matter how much i love something if i won't watch it, then I won't watch or consume it at all 💀.

ohhh, i've known jamie as an after school club mc first and singer second. like there was this time i was suddenly obsessed w eric nam's before we begin album i think around that time i first listened to one or two songs of jamie ( it was all spotify's doing jddjks) but then i forgot abt both and went back to listening to my regular ones. honestly i feel like i've gotten to know and appreciate jype artists ( those i know ) more, only after they've changed agencies it could just be me or my timing tho djdjdjh. have you listened to hanbin's solo album? honestly it's been no.1 album from 1st half of 2021 for me. i was not even looking forward to it or even knew djdjsk but i'm so glad i did i really like the songs & lyrics.

almost whatever jackson has released after mirrors has been to my taste leaving few bsides here and there. i love lmly <3 idk why for some reason i tend to mix pretty please and lmly up a lot djdjsk maybe it's bc of white tee and jeans. both mvs concept and songs are fantastic but if i have to pick one w/ mv & only considering the song, i do love lmly a little bit more then pretty please. wbu? <3

mark kept saying ' when we go back ' during the live so i got more confused each time, went on twt and got to know djdjdk. twt list of both svt & got7 of update accounts is like my newspaper, in free time i open it to see what is going on, sometimes jdjddk.

and of course i know abt woozi's cover <3 i've listened to it a lot jdjdksk he's so <//3

i could listen to his voice all day.

there is one cover of 10 cm hoshi dropped last year i like it sm <3 it made me so happy!!, around that i was obsessed with some of 10 cm's songs. help is one of my most favorite.

i really really wish for dokyeom to cover more day6 songs or just any songs </3 would really appreciate one from mr. joshu_acoustic too 😿.

did you see the way dokyeom woke up with a smile on his face in 5th in the sopp ep <//3 he's so precious 😭 (i'll try to link next time idk links go through asks tho djjddj sometimes tumblr eats it up). i don't even know what a smile is for first 2 hours after i've woken up. also i think i like this (sk coming and karaoke one - 5th) ep a lil more bc of that half minute of singer cheol it served us. i need him to sing more omg <//3

the soop song tho it's so sweet 😭💕. i love love how they brainstorm and make songs it's such an interesting process. i love what going seventeen is now but i miss watching the song making & recording process (even rho they do show it in inse after cb but jdjdks). the one where they made gose song, recorded it and made choreo/mv i love. it's still remains as one of my most favorite ep. they compose & write songs so smoothly & make it look so effortless <3

thank you for letting me ramble abt silly little things and responding to them, yza <3 love hanging out w/ you. i hope you're also having fun djjddj (i'll try to keep these short fr 😭 djdkdk i feel a bit bad for making you read so much nonsense :3)

take care of yourself, yza <3 sending good week wishes. - 🪂🪂🪂

I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE I GOT TO SEE JAEBEOM READ THIRST TWEETS BEFORE MY VERY EYES WHICH ALTERNATE AU IS THIS 😭

also mood tbh we could've gotten something like jacks' puppy vid </3

LIKE WONU CLAPPING FJKDJKFDJFD in true infj fashion <3 wait naurr that's so sad </3 do they not teach it in schools?

ALSO YES OH MY GODDDDDDDDD house king show us ur fancy moves <3 as a fellow dancer i am throwing him my shoe rn <3 also i literally have never seen smth like this in kpop how did people fucking sleep on this icb it..

I FULLY RELATE HELLO????????????????? what dramas have u been watching? and which genres are u into? <3 i also just finished vincenzo today it was so good 😭 took me like.. a week, i think (?), though bc svt has SO MUCH content and i dont like being behind on svt shit esp bc i also run an update blog lmaooo 😭

WAIT I FORGOT SHE ALSO DID EMCEEING 😭 she's such a fun person </3 AND ERIC NAM FDKJDFJK i have one-sided beef w him lmao when he was still new to the scene he would reply to everyone's @s but he never replied to me so i felt v .. </3 (also this is what.. 13 year old me speaking so this def does not reflect how i feel abt him now JKJKFJKDFF) i also get that </3 i feel like jype doesn't manage them well (i dont know shit behind the scenes and shit abt the industry in-depth but u know... it Kind Of Shows esp w how the artists themselves speak abt the agency lol). and i have not!! i am truly a svtpoppie 😭 i will though bc u recommended it to me <3 i also have been seeing him frequently on tiktok lol, ALSO BC OF LEE HI!!

honestly i haven't been keeping up w his albums anymore just the title tracks so i cant say much 😭 i also def prefer lmly over pretty please i was actually obsessed w it for a while!! i love jackson's vision so much though, the cinematography is EVERYTHING

literally reading abt what our boys have been up to like reading the morning paper KJDSFKJDSJKSJKD

V GOOD FOR U TO HAVE COME ACROSS THE COVER... I JUST DISCOVERED IT BY ACCIDENT 😭 also i have to agree although i definitely do not want to admit that i am more than willing to listen to some man sing to me all day 😭😭😭😭😭 jihoon's voice is just... different to me for some reason. i have a hard time picking between him & seokmin tbh </3 hbu, who's ur fave svt vocalist?

ALSO YES THAT WAS SO CUTE OF HIM!! AND V ON BRAND TOO </3 the way u listen to 10cm..... im giving u an award rn <3 im guessing you listen to k-indie too?

DK THOUGH... I'M VERY MUCH WILLING TO ADMIT THAT I'D LISTEN TO HIM ALL DAY.... something about him... AND NOT THE JOSHU_ACOUSTIC FJDJFDJKFD 😭😭😭 i hate his username so much- why... WHY...

I DID!!!!!!!!! and i was so surprised too bc.. who wakes up smiling?????? what'd he dream of???????????? he's such a happy person i cant imagine what thats like 😭 the first thing i do when i wake up is make the >:| face JFJKFDKJFD also oh my god i just read that you're experiencing the same thing 😭😭 bestie trait!! KJJKFDKJFD ALSO YOU COULDN'T BE MORE RIGHT?????????? im always campaigning for vocalist coups im SOOO glad u feel the same way <3 his voice is just so comforting to me </3 idk i just really like his timbre

and v true omg i'm always fascinated to see how they actually work all this out!! the bts recording/choreo making vids are also my favorite gfkjdfkjdfj HOW ARE WE SO SIMILAR WE MIGHT AS WELL BE THE SAME PERSON 😭also jihoon in that gose behind vid........... in universe factory............... i still think about that Look from time to time... 😭this is also why i respect the boys sm tbh. everyone in the industry undeniably works so hard but to actually get this much creative freedom and to basically lead the group and their direction music and performance-wise is so insane to me... no wonder jihoon's always in his studio. i couldnt be happier that they get to live off of doing what they like im also so so proud of them they must work so hard <3 esp w all the content they're giving us.. icb it's always like this in caratland im so used to being an ahgase that gets like.... 1 cb a year😭

AND NOOO OMG DON'T BE SORRY I REALLY LOOOVE GETTING UR MESSAGES </3 and i love how lengthy they are makes me feel like ur just not making small talk (i hate small talk sm 😭) and that you're actually interested <3 i genuinely love bonding w u through these little asks i can never thank u enough for sending them <3 i hope ur having a lovely week as well!! u can always talk to me even if it's not kpop related and u just want to talk abt life or when u need some cheering up <3

[teruthecreator]

what really pushed you to write SSOSS? :3 also how did you come up with the idea for the story? :>

UM so the first question actually comes in like, two different parts?? or i guess the two questions sort of overlap (jesus christ readmore i didnt realize i would talk this much LMAO)

so the concept of the on the run/western aspect of it came from a voice call in the friendzone but it was just me, matthew ( @accesscodex ) and corinne ( @maplekeene ). matt was just kind of There while me and corinne were spitballing ideas for aus that would be fun. 

we thought of a western because it just seemed like an interesting route to take the characters in (also very heavily inspired by that one textpost thats like “it werent the whiskey what he were tryin to savor”, which ill get back to later). this was sometime after the episode where the thundermen fight the demons in last hope and escape by pegasi (i Think thats either ep 17 or 18), and i think i mentioned how it would be interesting if they took that moment to like. completely run away from the school. i dont think any of us really thought they would go back and talk to grey??? so we were thinking how the story could go without the school involved anymore, and so that’s where the on the run aspect came from. i then took the two ideas we were discussing (on the run and a western) and crashed them together to be like “hey! what if they ran away and then started new lives out west!” 

it was never an idea i thought was going to be taken that seriously, but matt (as he always is) is an enabler with his art and he started drawing the boys in cowboy designs. This was the moment i knew i wanted to do Something with the idea, since it was hot on everyone’s mind. 

the base idea (basically the first chapter) was based on a comic matthew would then post earlier in the day (on the day that i wrote chapter 1) that was based on the “it werent the whiskey what he were tryin to savor” textpost. i will link the updated comic here ur welcome matthew for not posting the older version bc i know you hate it now. this was the only reason i wanted to write ssoss. because i wanted to hurt matthew and, subsequently, everyone else in the friendzone. 

and, honestly?? ssoss was only supposed to be about 2-3 chapters At Most. i Tried to do it all in one sitting, which is why the first chapter ended up being like 10k words!!! but i was getting burnt out and i got WAYYYYY too in-depth about How they escaped, so i felt having that short of a moment in the actual western part wasn’t enough. so then i announced in the notes of the first chapter that i would likely make a second and maybe a third chapter and have that be it. i had never written a really long fic before and i knew (w my history of unfinished but published wips) that i probably couldnt sustain myself for something longer than 4 chapters. 

now, how the hell did i get here--8 chapters deep and over 100k words in the hole???? i honestly have no idea!!! the rest of the story has come from a number of places. the early plot beats were establishing moments for the characters on their own and together (some things i Did take from me and corinnes dms bc early on we talked abt it A Lot together, he knows what he contributed). i have trouble outlining things bc i feel as if it kills the motivation, so for the most part i would let ideas simmer in my head until i couldnt take it anymore and then write them all down. then, once i ran out of ideas (usually i come into a Writing Day with about 1-3 scenes thought of), i sit and talk aloud to myself about how the chapter should flow from there. one thing about me is i usually have the first and last scene Already decided when i sit down, so the rest is a matter of deciding how we get from point A to point B without making the whole chapter a wash. 

i wish i could say there’s a method to my madness, but i honestly don’t know how i do it. since the moment i decided i wanted this to be way longer, i Have had a sense of the flow of plot. characters arcs i work on throughout writing (in fact i remember the day i had the epiphany about Argo’s epiphany, if yknow what i mean coughcoughchapter4endingcough, and how that ended up changing the rest of his following scenes). 

also the ending i had No idea what it was going to be until LITERALLY when i was writing chapter 8. i had an epiphany and wrote down an outline of it so i wouldnt lose track of those thoughts. and the ending DID change because of actual graduation canon!!!! maybe one day i will reveal what the original ending was going to be, though i honestly kept my orig idea and just built stuff around it to make it work. 

honestly, ssoss has been one of my greatest exercises in motivation and storyplanning. i don’t Plan much but i do think about the story CONSTANTLY, and it helps that i have a pretty decent memory!!!! there are scenes i’ve had to either cut or move because of either time (aka when its getting close to midnight on a writing day and im literally going insane) or just the scene no longer working w the flow of the chapter, which i’ve learned is par for the course!! sometimes ya gotta cut stuff.

also in terms of pushing myself to keep writing it? audience feedback/hype really does help me!!!! seeing my friends and random people freak out about updates is honestly like. the Reason i wanna write more bc it’s just so cool and humbling to see people appreciate my work!!!! i’ve never had like a “fandom famous” fic before, and tho i wouldn’t put myself at the level of fame Other taz writers have gotten, i’m pretty happy with my lot!!!! 

[gremsbian]

you say the story of how you came up with Sirsha is long and a story for another day... it's another day, and i wanna know the story

okay idk if it’s That Long but it sure is a very out of the way and was the result of several years worth of events, and we have to go all the way back to when I was 14 years old...

I didnt have a presence on the internet much until I turned 14 and activated my tumboler dot com account. now idk abt yall, but in middle school we had assemblies every year about internet safety and the number one thing was to hide your identity and not reveal any personal information. and so. i did that. however, due to me being very extra and lost in the idea of having my own Secret Identity I crafted an entire backstory for my online tumblr identity. 

in my first few months as a tumblr user I introduced myself as Charlotte Roberta Phoenicksen. Idk where the fuck the last name came from and why i did it but Charlotte Roberta has a background in itself. basically I loved the name charlie and like any kid between the ages of 10-12 (because i was very immature) i thought the name bob was the funniest thing in the world, and i decided that my name would be Charlie Bob, and I elongated that into Charlotte Roberta so I could pass off Charlie Bob as a nickname. But Charlie Bob was too normal.... once again i changed the spelling to.... Charlee Bawb. 

one more bit of trivia i wanted to declare my math friend group as the knights of the square table since we sat at a square table but none of them cared because i was weird and i was autistic so i didnt realize that no one else was into my crazy friend group ideas but anyway i declared myself Sir Charlee Bawb of the Round Table. thus my first url was sircharleebawb and yeah. the history of Sir Charlee Bawb is pretty insane as well but for now all we need is the name and origin. 

Eventually I realized saying my real name was not Bad so I started going by my actual name (at the time) and everything was fine and dandy until that time i thought i was a trans boy bc of internalized misogyny due to my lesbianism but thats also another story and I went by Henry and then Ash but then I realized i wasnt a boy so I went back to my birth name and identified as a cis woman. However, the history of Sir Charlee Bawb remained in my heart and it remained close to me because of just how in depth I made her backstory and identity...

Fast forward to my hmmmm possibly junior or senior year of high school? I decided to boot up a game of pokemon platinum bc i really like it and when it came to naming my character i was unsure of what direction to go. im the kind of gamer who never used my real name when playing video games, i always liked to make up names, so this was no different. however, no matter what name i came up with i didnt get too attached to any... until i decided to start thinking about my roots. 

for the first time in years, Sir Charlee Bawb returned to my mind. no way i was gonna name my character Charlee or Bawb or any variation thereof but.... when i looked at the full name together, sircharleebawb, i noticed the first bit... Sircha. somehow it stuck out to me, but it wasn’t quite right. I quickly solved that by figuring out a pronunciation I liked which was sir-sha, not far off from sir-cha at all. And so, the name Sirsha was born. 

I thought Sirsha was a new original name I had come up with but i later learned abt the irish name Saoirse which is pronounced like seer-sha but Sirsha is just different enough I suppose. anyway it was a name i loved so much ever since then i’ve always used it as the name for my video game avatars. 

fast forward again to uhh. Now? last month more like. i have been incredibly depressed lately and i just had no motivation or source for happiness and i finally decided  to do a Deep Dive into my mind which is not something i’ve done for years. ive always had trouble with my gender identity, as i mentioned earlier i thought i was a trans boy but then went back to being a cis woman but... i realized that i know im a woman but it just did not feel right? Ive been a supporter and huge advocate for nb lesbians for ages of course but like the thought i could be one never crossed my mind until i straight up questioning my relationship with my gender. 

another long bit later i decided to officially non my binary and i love my old name, which is Hannah, and I’m okay being called Hannah, but for fun i wanted to try out a new name along with new pronouns. i knew then and there that Sirsha was the name i would choose, and after literally just a few hours of beginning my experiment I realized that i am Sirsha and suddenly... a lot of my depression seemed to leave? this is several years worth of stress yall and discovering myself after so long was such a relief it was disorienting but.. here i am. 

my name is Sirsha, my gender is Sirsha and also lesbian. I’m a woman when I love women but outside of that I am just Sirsha, and my name means everything to me since it’s so personal and it just feels right. so yeah backstory finished thank u for coming to my Sirsha Talk

[vandermatthews]

Medicine's Amazing Advancements

im putting this one under a cut bc its very very VERY not g-rated but as usual this was a submission by the delightful @mrfredgar! seriously dude DAMN this is SPICY (and blows the fic i was writing abt this exact concept out of the goddamn WATER)

“Oh god! OOOOHHH GOD! Hose- please faster! FASTER!!!” Dutch was face down, his ass in the air, being pounded into the mattress by his lover, clutching the sheets of their hotel room, desperately trying to maintain some semblance of control. It became increasingly harder as Hosea obliged Dutch and picked up the pace, the sound of their hips slapping together filling the room.

“You like that? You like me being balls deep inside your fucking gorgeous ass?” Hosea growled in Dutch’s ear, making Dutch shiver in pleasure, and nod. Dutch loved being dominated by Hosea, feeling his long hard dick slam into him. 

He sometimes forgot how fucking big Hosea was, and when Dutch thought he couldn’t get any deeper, Hosea changed the angle and buried his dick inside Dutch’s asshole even more, filling and stretching Dutch.

Hosea pulled out suddenly, making Dutch turn his head and whimper, but Hosea gestured for Dutch to sit up. Hosea sat back against the headboard and gestured for Dutch to sit down on his lap. 

“I’m gonna make you ride my dick like the fucking slutty cowboy you are.” Hosea threatened, making Dutch groan and become putty in his hands. From this position Dutch could control the show, and he slammed into Hosea so hard the headboard banged against the wall, but neither man cared.

“Jesus Hosea, you feel so fucking good. Fuck! God I could ride your dick all fucking day.” Dutch threw his head back and closed his eyes, immersing himself in the moment.

Hosea reached up and stroked his lovers face, marveling in the beauty before him. But Hosea decided he needed a new position, and quickly flipped them without pulling out. Dutch let out a surprised squeal that quickly turned into a loud moan as Hosea push Dutch’s legs back towards his head, allowing the older man to get even deeper, and finally being able to hit Dutch’s prostate.

“OOoOOoOOO, HOSEA! YES! YES! YES! AHHHHH” Dutch was close, very close. Hosea grinned and lent down to whisper in Dutch ear, feeling Dutch’s ragged breath on his face, his face flush and a sheen of sweat on his forehead.

“You want me to cum in you baby? You wanna feel my cum fill you up, fill you to the hilt with my seed? Huh baby, you want it don’t you?” Dutch simply nodded and whined a little.

“I need to hear you say it, or I just wont know.” Hosea stopped moving and went to pull out. Dutch’s eyes flew open, a look of panic in them. He quickly grabbed Hosea’s hips, stopping the other mans retreat.

“Don’t you fucking dare!” Dutch warned. He relaxed a bit, thought when he knew Hosea wasn’t going anywhere “I-I need you to cum in me Hosea! You know I do! Please!!” Dutch begged. Dutch would never be caught dead begging to anyone but Hosea, but oh did it have amazing results.

Hosea thrusted two, three more times, before burring himself as deep as he could, loudly groaning as he emptied his load inside Dutch. “Don’t waste any!” Dutch screamed as he felt Hosea’s cum warm him from the inside, causing him to cum hard and violently, screaming Hosea’s name over and over again.

When both men had regained their strength, Hosea reached for his pants, careful not to pull out. 

“What are you doing?” Dutch inquired, becoming more perplexed when Hosea showed him an egg shaped object with a handle on one end. “What the fuck is that?”

“This, my beautiful angel, is what is called a ‘rectal dilator’ and it is used to cure insanity by inserting it within the rectum. Of course I have other ideas. Since you love my cum being inside you so much, I thought why not keep it there.” Hosea dropped to a whisper and looked Dutch directly in the eyes as he said the last three words. Dutch closed his eyes and loudly groaned his approval.

Hosea positioned the rectal dilator so as soon as he pulled out, he could push it in, making sure not to waste anything. Of course, he had to admire his work for a few seconds, his cock twitching when his own cum oozed out of Dutch. Hosea took his index finger and swiped up the cum, pushing it back inside Dutch, making the younger man groan again. Hosea swiftly inserted the rectal dilator, again making Dutch groan loudly his eyes snapping open to look at Hosea.

“Ho-how long?” Dutch barely containing himself with the dilator inside him.

“All. Day.” Hosea demanded, Dutch simply threw his head back, relishing having Hosea’s cum trapped inside him.

“Alright baby, we should be getting home.” Hosea said as he stood to get dressed, Dutch’s eyes opening with alarm.

“You can’t honestly expect me to go out in front of people like this!? Much less ride a horse!” Dutch exclaimed.

“Oh but I do, and you will. Now get up.” Hosea threw Dutch’s shirt at him, ignoring the look of horror on his face.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Every time Dutch moved he could feel the dilator shift inside him, making him groan quietly and earning him a glare from Hosea for making too much noise. By the time they made it down to their horses, Dutch had taken his vest off so he could hide his half-hard cock. But everything was thrown out the window when he sat down in the saddle, causing Dutch to moan very loudly and very explicitly, causing people nearby to turn and Hosea to glare at him again.

“How the fuck do you expect you to keep quiet!?” Dutch shot back, but he was enjoying it nonetheless.

The ride back to camp was slow because if they traveled fast than a walk Dutch cried out loudly at the dilator pressing insistently into his ass. Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately) The Count slipped on a rock, causing Dutch to jolt and the dilator to shift inside him. Now it was pressed firmly against his prostate, causing his half hard cock to become very hard very quickly and Dutch’s breathing hitched. 

Hosea stopped and felt his own cock twitch looking at the flushed face of his lover, head thrown back, breathing ragged. “You alright?” Hosea asked smugly. 

“N-no. I-I need to st-stop. I’m so fucking hard, I just need to release. Please!” Dutch begged. Hosea hopped down, grabbed Dutch’s hand, gesturing him to get down too. 

Hosea dragged him off the path behind a tree out of passerby’s line of sight. He slowly stroked Dutch’s face before turning him around to face the tree. Hosea had Dutch’s gun belt, pants, and underpants off and down past his ass before Dutch knew what was happening. Hosea stopped to admire the silver object protruding from Dutch’s amazing ass, gently stroking one cheek and causing Dutch to shiver. 

Hosea quickly pulled the dilator out hearing Dutch sign in relief, but quickly replaced it with his own hard dick. Dutch screamed in shock and pleasure as Hosea quickly pounded Dutch’s ass against a tree. Hosea reached around to grab Dutch’s dick, matching his hand to his thrusts. Within minuets Dutch was a blabbering mess, begging for release. Hosea thrusted a few more times before cumming in Dutch for the second time that day, feeling Dutch’s hot cum coat his hand seconds later. Hosea quickly pulled out and re-inserted the dilator. 

“Fuck Hosea, I-I don’t think I can take much more of this.” Dutch begged against the tree as Hosea gently tucked him back into his pants and turned him around to kiss him.

“Yes you can baby. Just remember that my sweet hot cum is bottled up inside you. Just how you like it. You like being full of my seed, don’t you?” Hosea taunted. Dutch merely nodded. “Come. We’re almost back to camp. And you have a big speech to give about that stagecoach job.” With that, Hosea stroked his face, pecked him on the cheek, and walked back to Silver Dollar.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dutch and Hosea made it back to camp without another incident, of course Dutch had to keep his vest in front of his waist because his dick still felt it necessary to react to the sweet dilator in his ass, pressing against his prostate and keeping Hosea’s cum inside him, a fact Dutch took great joy in.

Dutch was able to calm his cock long enough to inform the boys about a possible stagecoach job, promising that once they got enough money, they would disappear to Tahiti, and start new lives as mango farmers. Dutch and Hosea had been dreaming of retiring to Tahiti on a mango farm since they were twenty years old, hoping one day they’d be able to have their own hut, falling asleep and waking up to each other for the rest of their lives, basking in the Caribbean sun together, with their family.

While Dutch gave his rousing speech about loyalty and money and family, Hosea stood closer to him than normal, a fact Arthur noticed right away, but dismissed as Hosea feeling particularly protective and lovey to Dutch that day. What Arthur, or anyone for that matter, failed to noticed was Hosea’s hand grazing against Dutch’s backside, causing Dutch’s voice to hitch ever so slightly.

Once the speech was over, it was almost time for dinner, but Hosea had other plans for them. He gently pulled Dutch into the younger mans tent, closing and latching the flaps behind them, but not before giving Arthur a pointed look that meant they were not to be disturb. Arthur nodded in understanding and walked away.

Hosea slowly turned towards Dutch who’s breathing had picked up again seeing the predatory stance of his lover. “Well, well well, you’ve been a very good boy today. You got through your entire speech without giving away our little secret.” Hosea began toying with the buttons on Dutch’s shirt, slowly looking up into Dutch’s brown eyes through his lashes. Dutch’s every nerve was on fire, the ever present dilator inside him. “Now baby, you want me to take out the dilator?’ Dutch could only nod. “Ok, but first I’m gonna fuck you so hard against that cot that you won’t be able to remember your own name.” 

Hosea grabbed Dutch’s lapels and kissed him hard, throwing him onto the cot quickly following him. Hosea made quick work of Dutch’s clothes, relishing every piece of skin he exposed. He slowly kissed a line from Dutch’s lips, over his jaw line, sucking on his adams apple, making Dutch to gasp and arch his back. Hosea grinned and moved further south, nipping at Dutch’s collar bone.

Hosea drew one perk nipple into his mouth and sucked hard while he tweaked the other with his fingers. Dutch yelped, causing Hosea to shush him and shove his fingers in Dutch’s mouth for him to suck. Hosea’s eyes rolled into the back of his head for a second as Dutch sucked, before he moved onto to the other nipple, giving the same treatment as the first. Hosea released Dutch’s nipple with a loud pop, smirking up at Dutch and pulled his finger out of the mans mouth. 

He moved back up to Dutch’s face and kissed him softly and gently. While simultaneously he moved his now wet fingers down to weave within the curls near Dutch’s cock. He quickly grasped Dutch’s cock and pulled, Dutch moaning loudly into Hosea’s mouth. Hosea just smiled and picked up the pace, all the while still kissing Dutch to silence his very loud groans and moans. 

Hosea suddenly stopped and began to remove his own pants and underpants. When he was undressed from the waste down Hosea firmly grasped both Dutch’s and his own dick in one hand and began jerking them both off, very much enjoying the friction and feel of having his dick pressed against Dutch’s. And from the noises coming out of Dutch’s mouth he enjoyed it too. Hosea jerked them off for a bit before he lifted Dutch’s legs into the air and pushed them towards his face, just as before.

Hosea drew a line from Dutch’s dick down to the rectal dilator, causing Dutch to shiver in anticipation, before pulling the dilator out, moaning himself as he saw his own cum leak out of Dutch’s beautiful hole. “Fuck baby. Do you know what seeing my cum in you does to me? God, I fucking love it baby, I fucking love seeing my seed in you, knowing I did that, knowing I am the only man for you. You are mine. Mine. MINE!” With the last word Hosea quickly pressed his cock into Dutch, not stoping until he was buried to the hilt inside Dutch. Dutch loudly cried out, shoving his fist into his mouth, trying to muffle the sound.

Hosea pounded hard and fast into Dutch, the sound of their skin slapping together filling the air along with Hosea’s heaving breathing and Dutch’s muffled moaning. It wasn’t long until Hosea felt the familiar tightening of his balls and knew he was close. “God baby, I’m gonna cum. Jesus I’m gonna cum so fucking hard in your tight fucking hole. I’m gonna fill you up again. You’ll be so full of my cum that you won’t be able to hold it all. It’ll be coming out of you for days.” 

Hosea threw his head back and groaned as he came hard, Dutch following him quickly over the edge as he felt Hosea’s fresh seed fill him. Dutch grabbed Hosea’s head and pulled him down to muffle his scream in Hosea’s mouth.

Hosea collapsed onto Dutch, breathing hard, so hard he felt tinge of panic fill him as he felt the familiar tug of an asthma attack coming on. He tried to even out his breathing quickly so his sickness didn’t ruin the mood, but Dutch caught on, pushing Hosea off of him and grabbing his inhaler quickly, shoving it in Hosea’s face, the older man grabbing it gratefully. 

After a few puffs, Hosea looked at Dutch and laughed a bit “Jesus, what a wonderful way to end an amazing day. Having to make sure your boyfriend doesn’t die of an asthma attack after sex. What a pity sight I must be.” Laughing in pity at himself

“Shush. You are beautiful and you didn’t ruin anything.” Dutch whispered as he stroked Hosea’s face, calming the older man down. 

After a few minuets Hosea’s breathing returned to normal. Hosea grabbed an old towel or handkerchief and began cleaning the two of them up, being gentle with Dutch’s still sensitive body. After he was done, he threw the cloth aside and curled up next to Dutch, pulled the blanket on them and threw a hand over Dutch’s stomach while Dutch wrapped his arm around Hosea and kissed his hair.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

[somethingsomean]

lol holy fuck

7/18/2017 5:58:53 PM] girl: Also i have a massive caffeine headache WOW [7/18/2017 5:59:49 PM] girl: But the one on the far left is "baby girl" and the on on the right is "halo" and the little black one is "the end", who was going to be the very last beanie baby but ended up not being [7/18/2017 7:35:09 PM] girl: I also cant stop thiniing abt this horrible image [7/18/2017 10:46:32 PM] girl: Sorry to do this again i wasnt planning on it but um [7/18/2017 10:46:46 PM] girl: You will never guess what i just found on a couch outside and took home [7/18/2017 10:47:44 PM] girl: HIM [7/19/2017 4:09:49 AM] girl: Srry bout messaging you incessantly but im feelinf the Appointment Anxiety and a bit bored and i have to be awake at niiine. And I'm weeping, openly [7/20/2017 11:46:17 PM] girl: I really do wanna fuk lana del rey [7/21/2017 2:29:11 AM] aj: I feel like she'd be a dead fish of a lay, and I have no idea why. [7/21/2017 2:31:23 AM] girl: She's a really weird woman [7/21/2017 2:31:39 AM] girl: Unimportant, did you see my free crab [7/21/2017 2:31:46 AM] aj: I did. [7/21/2017 2:32:13 AM] aj: I approve, though I am still in shock that you can handle that when it is a crustacean. [7/21/2017 2:32:23 AM] girl: I almost couldn't [7/21/2017 2:32:39 AM] girl: But he's really soft and has normal eyes and most importantly no mouth [7/21/2017 2:33:18 AM] girl: I put The End on top of him and called the picture. Fifth horseman of the apocalypse [7/21/2017 2:33:27 AM] girl: Dark omen [7/21/2017 2:33:43 AM] aj: Spooky. [7/21/2017 2:34:10 AM] aj: So my potential roomie is probably backing out, and with less than a month before uni starts, I'm suddenly having to price 1bed/1bath apartments. [7/21/2017 2:34:27 AM] aj: It's within my budget and savings, but it's still got me more anxious. [7/21/2017 2:34:40 AM] aj: It's also really annoying because I wasn't expecting him to bitch out like this. [7/21/2017 2:34:48 AM] girl: Prices are so fucking bad here lol [7/21/2017 2:35:12 AM] girl: Esp on campus (´ ∀ ` *). Good thing im not paying rent thanks bfs daddy [7/21/2017 2:35:22 AM] aj: lel [7/21/2017 2:35:42 AM] girl: caucasian voice daddys money [7/21/2017 2:35:47 AM] aj: Anyways, living on my own soon again. [7/21/2017 2:36:02 AM] aj: and I realize how little I actually need in my life, which feels nice. [7/21/2017 2:36:18 AM] girl: I just always imagine you living with your sister bc of how much you truly seemed to dislike living with her [7/21/2017 2:36:33 AM] aj: We actually are really cool nowadays. [7/21/2017 2:36:43 AM] girl: Thats good [7/21/2017 2:38:05 AM] aj: While I was having lunch today, it struck me that part of the reason I'm offputting to people is because of reciprocation.  People build relationships with each other in part because each can satisfy a need the other has. [7/21/2017 2:38:13 AM] aj: I really... don't desire much from other people. [7/21/2017 2:38:37 AM] aj: Most of my needs are within my power to meet? [7/21/2017 2:40:28 AM] aj: I just realize that I'm a successful introvert, and I'll be moving in extrovert fields, lol great planning me. [7/21/2017 2:42:21 AM] girl: I feel like men mostly seem not to think about that kind of thing so much. Certain kinds of men, anyway. I'm trying to think of what i was saying, saying saying... I think that I never understood when boys said to me that I was too good or too nice, and that it demonstrates weirdly this kind of profound inconsideration for people, usually girls in my Experience, who really do love one another [7/21/2017 2:43:42 AM] girl: Which is off putting, to me, I guess, because i find complacency in nihilistic and depressing thoughts kind of insulting or boring. Also im sure youll be fine [7/21/2017 2:43:48 AM] girl: You're very charming [7/21/2017 2:44:34 AM] aj: I'm not particularly worried about my well-being, it's just something that caught my attention.  I appreciate you saying I'm charming, though.  It's nice of you. [7/21/2017 2:45:04 AM] aj: I think guys say a lot of "you're too nice" due to esteem issues, or because they have no idea how to treat someone who is nice to them. [7/21/2017 2:45:12 AM] girl: It works on me most times, so you must be doing something rigjt there [7/21/2017 2:45:18 AM] aj: Or because if they reciprocate, they worry they'll give too little or too much. [7/21/2017 2:47:32 AM] girl: I think so too, but I also think it's kind of boring and lazy. Maybe I'm being too mean or impatient but I really really really do get caught up in trying to demonstrate being loving and nice and thoughtful bc im uh, stockholmed, and feel bad for emotionally stunted men who remind me of other unfortunate men in my life, but, idk. It never ends well and it seems mostly like its not really my fault [7/21/2017 2:47:47 AM] aj: Interestingly, if guys can get past their stigma over being perceived as homosexual, they tend to form stronger relational bonds than women do.  At least in my experience.  I know that sounds terrible, but I'm just saying how I've seen the world, more than making value judgements. [7/21/2017 2:48:01 AM] girl: Or my job, though I do wish in my heart every day it was my job, and that i did it good [7/21/2017 2:48:16 AM] aj: I've seen a lot of women relationships and sisterhoods fragment over incredibly stupid shit. [7/21/2017 2:48:59 AM] aj: Which, maybe it's important to them, but guys at least tend to look a little guilty when they backstab other guys.  I've seen women fight and backstab, and it just looks so cold. [7/21/2017 2:49:31 AM] girl: Being hurt by other women is sad too [7/21/2017 2:50:38 AM] girl: But when men hurt me it feels different and worse and more at my expense than theirs, and even if its not true that men are worse, i think my life has really improved by just setting the bar much [7/21/2017 2:50:42 AM] girl: Much lower [7/21/2017 2:51:01 AM] aj: I can understand that. [7/21/2017 2:51:35 AM] girl: I feel like [7/21/2017 2:52:32 AM] girl: When a girl has hurt me I've been able to at least put myself in her shoes and understand why she did, save for some really crazy asshole women but like thats usually with crazy asshole women who are a lot older and more Christian than i am [7/21/2017 2:53:29 AM] girl: My crazy fucking aunt sent me a bunch of texts abt me needing to... [7/21/2017 2:53:35 AM] aj: Hahahaha, that's the way I feel towards guys.  Guys who have wronged me, I can put myself in their shoes.  I can understand their motivations.  I can see the signals of things coming.  Even the asshole guys. [7/21/2017 2:54:31 AM] aj: Women, though?  Much harder to predict.  Harder to put myself in their shoes.  Harder to understand. [7/21/2017 2:55:08 AM] girl: Um... Idk, seek help, or "stay broken" as she put it (even though i was not telling her anything about my life, except that i was Fine and doing Good) and she ended the big string of texts w a beatles quote and i dont talk to her much anymore bc i thought it was so annpying i never ever wanted to hear anything like it again [7/21/2017 2:55:32 AM] aj: A Beatles quote?  Really? [7/21/2017 2:56:54 AM] girl: Yes [7/21/2017 2:56:59 AM] girl: She's [7/21/2017 2:57:01 AM] girl: Crazy [7/21/2017 2:57:29 AM] aj: Anyone who ends a long rant telling someone else they need help with a Beatles quote needs more help than the person they're messaging. [7/21/2017 2:57:32 AM] aj: Always. [7/21/2017 2:57:36 AM] aj: Always and forever. [7/21/2017 2:58:32 AM] girl: She [7/21/2017 2:58:53 AM] girl: Likes to argue with me in really crazy ways, and tries to say things she knows will offend me [7/21/2017 2:59:00 AM] girl: Or thinks will [7/21/2017 2:59:45 AM] aj: How mindlessly cruel. [7/21/2017 3:00:09 AM] aj: ... I am wondering if that's a contradiction in terms, now. [7/21/2017 3:00:28 AM] aj: Probably.  Fuck it.  I am a multitude, if I contradict myself, what of it? [7/21/2017 3:00:51 AM] girl: And likes to say that im trying to be snarky at her or ... idk... she's psycho and so is her daughter [7/21/2017 3:01:07 AM] girl: But guess who has custody of my brother 🙄 [7/21/2017 3:01:17 AM] aj: Heheh [7/21/2017 3:01:28 AM] aj: Good job.  /patpat [7/21/2017 3:01:58 AM] girl: Nooo haha, her fucking daughter does bc i cant til im 21 [7/21/2017 3:02:08 AM] aj: Fuuuuuuuuuuck [7/21/2017 3:02:10 AM] girl: N im 20 [7/21/2017 3:02:15 AM] girl: I know lmao [7/21/2017 3:02:17 AM] girl: She tried [7/21/2017 3:02:20 AM] aj: Soon. [7/21/2017 3:02:22 AM] girl: To give me [7/21/2017 3:02:25 AM] girl: A curfew [7/21/2017 3:02:28 AM] girl: Like [7/21/2017 3:02:35 AM] girl: A sleep curfew [7/21/2017 3:02:52 AM] girl: like... last year... i was...19... [7/21/2017 3:03:08 AM] girl: Like a literally like 10:30 pm... bed time [7/21/2017 3:03:19 AM] girl: And would... confiscate... my phone [7/21/2017 3:03:53 AM] girl: Qnd gave me a dr oz type book on adhd [7/21/2017 3:03:59 AM] aj: People gotta flex less and be more wu wei.  Enforcing curfews like that on 19 year olds is stupid. [7/21/2017 3:05:07 AM] aj: I'm naturally inclined to hierarchies, but so many organizations that use them use them in shitty ways.  It makes me want to tear my hair out because I ardently believe that organizations trend in that direction no matter what you do, but you'd think that with thousands of years of history that we could do it right on a micro level. [7/21/2017 3:05:20 AM] aj: but fuck no we can't. [7/21/2017 3:07:01 AM] girl: She also like insisted i was high when i was having like a not very pleasant Episode because i was living with completely insane crackers and her husband was being creepy with me and my dad had just died and it was like honestly... Bitch.... where the fuck do you think i would have obtained drugs from i have 30$ and you live in fucking thurston colorado [7/21/2017 3:07:57 AM] girl: Honestly [7/21/2017 3:08:17 AM] girl: I hate her, and i cannot wait until she dies. But its whatever lol [7/21/2017 3:08:27 AM] aj: Yeah, I get you. [7/21/2017 3:09:04 AM] aj: People like that torment others, and don't really even realize they're doing it.  Or if they do, they're guided by some maliciousness usually found in small, angry, feral creatures. [7/21/2017 3:09:15 AM] aj: Like weasels, if all of them were malicious. [7/21/2017 3:09:31 AM] girl: Beavers are very aggressive [7/21/2017 3:09:32 AM] aj: Lots are cute, though. [7/21/2017 3:09:38 AM] girl: And will attack dogs [7/21/2017 3:09:48 AM] girl: And that fucks me up [7/21/2017 3:09:52 AM] aj: I cannot get over how cute they are, though. [7/21/2017 3:10:19 AM] aj: Also, probably all the nice ones got killed by fur trappers hundreds of years ago. [7/21/2017 3:10:24 AM] aj: SO the only ones left were the mean ones. [7/21/2017 3:10:33 AM] aj: Or, this is what I choose to believe. [7/21/2017 3:10:42 AM] girl: I picked up a moth off the ground today with her wing torn and put her back in the bushes and i hope she gets to lay her sick eggs before she fucks off to die [7/21/2017 3:11:14 AM] girl: I cant omagine turning into a beautiful mouthless fuck machine and fucking dying before i got the chance [7/21/2017 3:11:28 AM] girl: Weasels are cute [7/21/2017 3:11:32 AM] girl: I like them lots [7/21/2017 3:11:36 AM] girl: Long tubes [7/21/2017 3:11:41 AM] aj: Heh [7/21/2017 3:12:23 AM] girl: I talkrd to aris classmate on fucking tinder last night and that boy aint well [7/21/2017 3:13:28 AM] girl: Very alcoholic slightly oversharey, absolutely implied he wanted to You Know What but was drunk enough and polite. Enough that i said. Thats ok jim. I'm not offended [7/21/2017 3:13:45 AM] aj: Heh. [7/21/2017 3:14:02 AM] girl: I am pffended a little [7/21/2017 3:14:16 AM] girl: But i didnt want to hurt his feelings [7/21/2017 3:14:20 AM] girl: He seemed to be [7/21/2017 3:14:26 AM] girl: Not a well man [7/21/2017 3:14:53 AM] aj: I don't know anyone who is well. [7/21/2017 3:15:01 AM] aj: Probably because if I did, I wouldn't be able to understand them. [7/21/2017 3:15:16 AM] aj: but, that's still strange. [7/21/2017 3:17:12 AM] girl: I am quite a bit unwell but not quite as unwell [7/21/2017 3:17:14 AM] girl: As Jim [7/21/2017 3:18:23 AM] aj: That's unfortunate. [7/21/2017 3:21:41 AM] girl: Truly [7/21/2017 3:21:43 AM] girl: Truly [7/21/2017 3:22:43 AM] girl: Jim is not a well man [7/21/2017 3:23:29 AM] aj: Being lonely and lacking purpose in life twist people. [7/21/2017 3:23:47 AM] girl: Hope jim is well [7/21/2017 3:23:54 AM] girl: I mean for [7/21/2017 3:23:58 AM] girl: The night [7/21/2017 3:24:05 AM] aj: Aah [7/21/2017 3:24:12 AM] girl: I really am worried about that weird fucking man [7/21/2017 3:24:37 AM] aj: Somewhere in you, you're an optimist. [7/21/2017 3:24:46 AM] aj: and, I hope he'll be well for the night. [7/21/2017 3:25:15 AM] girl: Only so far as one can be with two dead parents [7/21/2017 3:25:40 AM] girl: Which is surprisingly far i guess [7/21/2017 3:25:53 AM] aj: That's why I remarked on it. [7/21/2017 3:25:56 AM] girl: I think im mostly cheery and mostly cute and only sometimes a crazy bitch [7/21/2017 3:26:12 AM] girl: i just cry a lot and need more xanax than most people [7/21/2017 3:26:33 AM] girl: I cried so much today and i dont even remember what over [7/21/2017 3:28:04 AM] girl: I was fussing and i cried for two hours and then i ... went to the library... [7/21/2017 3:28:19 AM] girl: Becauae i volunteer there so i can see old people all day [7/21/2017 3:29:15 AM] girl: I'm really foggy lately because im [7/21/2017 3:29:44 AM] girl: Not medicated, at least for the part of my brain that shits out mid sentence and loses stuff all the time [7/21/2017 3:29:51 AM] girl: So im sorry for being all over yhe place [7/21/2017 3:29:55 AM] girl: And impulsive [7/21/2017 3:29:58 AM] girl: Moreso than usual [7/21/2017 3:30:18 AM] aj: It's fine.  I can follow you. [7/21/2017 3:30:57 AM] girl: Nodnod [7/21/2017 3:31:12 AM] girl: I lpve... this stupid dog stuffed animal i have [7/21/2017 3:31:29 AM] girl: I sleep with him almost every night and he doesnt have a name except dog [7/21/2017 3:34:03 AM] girl: Thats [7/21/2017 3:34:09 AM] girl: Hmm [7/21/2017 3:34:43 AM] girl: not sure if i am happy with the fact that i said that [7/21/2017 3:35:00 AM] aj: It's cute. [7/21/2017 3:35:48 AM] girl: Shut up? [7/21/2017 3:36:02 AM] aj: I didn't say anything else. [7/21/2017 3:36:08 AM] aj: Stupid. [7/21/2017 3:36:54 AM] girl: Youre stupid [7/21/2017 3:37:24 AM] girl: I wish i wss not just reminded of [7/21/2017 3:37:37 AM] girl: Bedtime for bonzo starring ronald reagan [7/21/2017 3:38:36 AM] aj: That's a strange thing to be reminded of. [7/21/2017 3:39:12 AM] girl: Ari is [7/21/2017 3:39:17 AM] girl: A strange boy [7/21/2017 3:39:23 AM] girl: Who says things like [7/21/2017 3:39:35 AM] girl: Its bedtime for bonzo, when he is goong to sleep [7/21/2017 3:40:06 AM] girl: Why would he do that to me? [7/21/2017 3:42:19 AM] aj: To mess with you. [7/21/2017 3:42:38 AM] aj: I think maybe guys just like messing with you. [7/21/2017 3:43:05 AM] girl: Why... [7/21/2017 3:43:20 AM] aj: Who can say? [7/21/2017 3:43:46 AM] girl: You could, since you're a guy, who does that [7/21/2017 3:44:11 AM] girl: Plenty, even [7/21/2017 3:44:51 AM] aj: You're really desperate for an answer if you're asking me of all people. [7/21/2017 3:45:11 AM] girl: You said it [7/21/2017 3:45:30 AM] aj: Sure, but you're still pressing. [7/21/2017 3:46:02 AM] girl: Because you SAID it,... it was a weird thing to say! [7/21/2017 3:46:08 AM] girl: Og my god [7/21/2017 3:46:16 AM] aj: Hahahahahaha [7/21/2017 3:46:19 AM] girl: You're doing it...right now [7/21/2017 3:46:23 AM] girl: Fuck you [7/21/2017 3:46:50 AM] aj: I anticipated you pushing the issue, so I figured I'd mess with you while you do so. [7/21/2017 3:47:14 AM] aj: If you had let it drop, I couldn't have messed with you. [7/21/2017 3:47:19 AM] aj: So, really, it's your own fault. [7/21/2017 3:47:35 AM] girl: You're such a motherfucker [7/21/2017 3:48:16 AM] girl: How could that be my own fault [7/21/2017 3:48:22 AM] girl: You said something strange [7/21/2017 3:48:47 AM] aj: You responded to the strange thing, and pressed for more instead of letting it drop.  I say strange things all the time. [7/21/2017 3:49:26 AM] girl: Not about me! [7/21/2017 3:50:11 AM] girl: If there really was some reason people said shit like bedtime for bonzo to me before sleeping in the same bed as me [7/21/2017 3:50:21 AM] girl: And there was a way for me to stop it [7/21/2017 3:50:38 AM] girl: Isnt it natural i would want to know the reason!!!!! [7/21/2017 3:51:00 AM] aj: There's nothing natural about saying "bedtime for bonzo". [7/21/2017 3:51:26 AM] girl: You implied that it was somehow mt fault!! [7/21/2017 3:51:29 AM] aj: It follows that there is nothing natural about wanting to stop someone saying "bedtime for bonzo".  It is similarly unnatural. [7/21/2017 3:52:01 AM] aj: I outright stated guys like messing with you. [7/21/2017 3:52:07 AM] aj: You asked why. [7/21/2017 3:52:14 AM] aj: and I proceeded to mess with you for it. [7/21/2017 3:52:36 AM] girl: It's not unnatural to wish in your heart that no one would remind you of bedtime for bonzo starring ronald reagan!!!!!! [7/21/2017 3:52:41 AM] aj: I can now confirm that in this instance, guys like messing with you. [7/21/2017 3:52:54 AM] aj: Because I messed with you just now, and liked it. [7/21/2017 3:53:35 AM] girl: That's because youre a... a sadist or something [7/21/2017 3:53:44 AM] girl: Not my fault [7/21/2017 3:53:47 AM] aj: No, I was trying to get an honest answer for you. [7/21/2017 3:53:51 AM] aj: and I got your answer. [7/21/2017 3:54:09 AM] aj: "Because it's fun to mess with you." is the answer as to why guys like messing with you. [7/21/2017 3:54:39 AM] aj: I expected that would be the answer, but went ahead and tested anyways. [7/21/2017 3:54:47 AM] aj: You should thank me for my effort. [7/21/2017 3:55:16 AM] girl: (ʘ言ʘ╬) [7/21/2017 3:56:08 AM] girl: There's no reason to complicate things that much you fucker [7/21/2017 3:56:23 AM] aj: Would you have been happier if I made up an answer? [7/21/2017 3:57:05 AM] girl: You're still being complicated, there's no reason to ask that question, thats a dumb question [7/21/2017 3:57:17 AM] girl: You didnt need to make up an answer if you knew it!! [7/21/2017 3:57:28 AM] aj: How would I know it unless I tested it? [7/21/2017 3:57:44 AM] girl: because most people know why they like doing something!! [7/21/2017 3:58:02 AM] aj: Do they? [7/21/2017 3:58:26 AM] aj: Would the most common answer be: "Because it's fun." ? [7/21/2017 3:58:53 AM] girl: And youve messed with me plenty of times before, its not like it was a novel Or New experience for you!! [7/21/2017 3:59:27 AM] girl: I don't know, I'm not a man or a person who likes to mess witg my own self [7/21/2017 3:59:32 AM] aj: I'll betcha a really common reason people like doing things is because those things are fun.  I'll even betcha that you knew that before you asked me. [7/21/2017 3:59:45 AM] aj: Which means, if you knew the answer, why did you ask the question? [7/21/2017 3:59:59 AM] aj: Here you are blaming me, when it's really your fault. [7/21/2017 4:00:02 AM] girl: Because you said something fucking WEIRD!!! [7/21/2017 4:00:08 AM] girl: oh my god [7/21/2017 4:00:10 AM] aj: Which I do all the time. [7/21/2017 4:00:12 AM] girl: Ohhh my god [7/21/2017 4:00:35 AM] girl: Youre such a dog!!!!! [7/21/2017 4:00:48 AM] aj: It's still fun. [7/21/2017 4:00:58 AM] aj: In case you were wondering if the reason changed. [7/21/2017 4:01:08 AM] girl: I WASNT [7/21/2017 4:01:35 AM] aj: You could have been, so I wanted to be sure. [7/21/2017 4:01:52 AM] girl: youre going to give me high blood pressure or something [7/21/2017 4:01:58 AM] girl: An ulcer maybe [7/21/2017 4:02:09 AM] aj: You probably like this, too. [7/21/2017 4:02:54 AM] girl: because i like you, and because im a sick freak, not for any reason you could assume anyone else would [7/21/2017 4:03:03 AM] girl: im an outlier [7/21/2017 4:03:33 AM] girl: Most people would throw you in the trash for being so god damn rude [7/21/2017 4:04:02 AM] aj: How fortunate that I only mess with people who like me, hmm? [7/21/2017 4:04:35 AM] aj: Does this mean that instead of throwing me in the trash [7/21/2017 4:04:40 AM] aj: You throw me in the treasure? [7/21/2017 4:04:50 AM] aj: Because one person's trash is another person's treasure? [7/21/2017 4:05:19 AM] girl: I need a fucking drink [7/21/2017 4:05:32 AM] aj: I'm a treasure person~ [7/21/2017 4:05:41 AM] girl: You're absolute garbage [7/21/2017 4:05:50 AM] aj: treasure* [7/21/2017 4:06:20 AM] girl: I still like you a lot, but don't let that fool you. Plenty of people like terrible, reprehensible things [7/21/2017 4:06:33 AM] girl: I'm just a sick little masochist [7/21/2017 4:06:42 AM] girl: Please dont let it go to your head [7/21/2017 4:07:09 AM] aj: I'm unsure where you got the impression I thought I was somehow not terrible or reprehensible. [7/21/2017 4:07:15 AM] aj: I'm both. [7/21/2017 4:07:45 AM] girl: You and my trash crab can hang out [7/21/2017 4:07:56 AM] aj: treasure crab* [7/21/2017 4:08:01 AM] girl: Die [7/21/2017 4:08:18 AM] aj: I'm laughing so hard, incidentally. [7/21/2017 4:08:29 AM] girl: I hate you [7/21/2017 4:08:29 AM] aj: It's hard to retain composure. [7/21/2017 4:08:40 AM] aj: Oh. [7/21/2017 4:08:44 AM] aj: I know you're not wondering, [7/21/2017 4:08:50 AM] aj: But I wanted to confirm, it's still fun. [7/21/2017 4:09:04 AM] girl: Oh my GOD [7/21/2017 4:09:31 AM] girl: I'm fukitng [7/21/2017 4:09:34 AM] girl: Ohhh my god [7/21/2017 4:09:59 AM] girl: You!! You you you you, I swear to god, you know, you're [7/21/2017 4:10:21 AM] aj: Treasure. [7/21/2017 4:10:23 AM] aj: Yes. [7/21/2017 4:10:24 AM] aj: I know. [7/21/2017 4:11:19 AM] girl: You're like, a, a piñata, except instead of candy you're full of like, very bizarre feelings like "so mad you hyperventilate, but in a fun way" [7/21/2017 4:11:56 AM] girl: That shouldnt even be a thing [7/21/2017 4:12:13 AM] girl: Im congested you know, [7/21/2017 4:12:24 AM] girl: Its not easy to be breathing this weird [7/21/2017 4:12:37 AM] aj: You have nobody to blame but yourself. [7/21/2017 4:12:40 AM] aj: You started this. [7/21/2017 4:12:59 AM] girl: I did not!! [7/21/2017 4:13:29 AM] girl: I said why did my boyfriend tell me bedtime for bonzo!! And you said something strange!! [7/21/2017 4:13:49 AM] aj: I say strange things all the time. [7/21/2017 4:13:54 AM] aj: You pushed the issue. [7/21/2017 4:14:06 AM] girl: Thats a bad excuse!! [7/21/2017 4:14:19 AM] aj: and also an accurate description of how events unfolded. [7/21/2017 4:14:54 AM] aj: The fact that it's a bad excuse is a bonus, from my viewpoint. [7/21/2017 4:14:59 AM] girl: You're a monster [7/21/2017 4:15:01 AM] aj: If it was a good excuse, it wouldn't be nearly as funny. [7/21/2017 4:15:08 AM] girl: UGH [7/21/2017 4:15:48 AM] girl: I [7/21/2017 4:15:50 AM] girl: God [7/21/2017 4:16:03 AM] girl: I hate you! [7/21/2017 4:17:05 AM] girl: I'm an easy target because I'm a FREAK, I get it. You're terrible. Picking on a poor girl like me [7/21/2017 4:18:24 AM] girl: A poor, kind hearted, tolerant masochist who CANT HELP IT and IS A FREAK and doesnt deserve to be mistreated [7/21/2017 4:18:48 AM] aj: A masochist who doesn't deserve to be mistreated? [7/21/2017 4:19:15 AM] girl: It's a CONDITION [7/21/2017 4:19:34 AM] girl: I'm SICK INSIDE and I can't help it [7/21/2017 4:20:28 AM] aj: You should consider that most people are easy targets. [7/21/2017 4:20:37 AM] aj: What most people aren't, however, is worthwhile targets. [7/21/2017 4:21:21 AM] aj: To illustrate: it is easy to get spare change out of a fountain, because Americans throw change in fountains for some strange reason. [7/21/2017 4:21:45 AM] aj: But it is not worthwhile, except in the very worst of circumstances. [7/21/2017 4:21:50 AM] girl: what a dark thing to say [7/21/2017 4:22:12 AM] girl: he calls me a fat little peach [7/21/2017 4:22:44 AM] girl: how terrible [7/21/2017 4:22:52 AM] aj: Poor you. [7/21/2017 4:23:12 AM] girl: Its okay, peaches are cute [7/21/2017 4:23:44 AM] aj: Unless they're rotten. [7/21/2017 4:23:47 AM] aj: and you're pretty rotten. [7/21/2017 4:23:58 AM] aj: Or maybe you're rotten pretty. [7/21/2017 4:24:03 AM] aj: Both? [7/21/2017 4:24:06 AM] girl: I......... [7/21/2017 4:24:15 AM] girl: Did something so terrible [7/21/2017 4:24:39 AM] girl: I'm a little [7/21/2017 4:24:42 AM] girl: Shocked [7/21/2017 4:25:24 AM] girl: I stuck my tongue out... at the screen... and im only telling you because it was kind of cute of me, but also shockingly....... unhinged [7/21/2017 4:25:49 AM] girl: I feel like i just caught myself in the mirror eating raw meat with my hands or something [7/21/2017 4:26:17 AM] girl: I am rotten, and pretty, by the way [7/21/2017 4:26:40 AM] girl: A fat and darling peach thank you very much [7/21/2017 4:26:57 AM] girl: Just a few worm [7/21/2017 4:27:12 AM] aj: Heh. [7/21/2017 4:27:21 AM] aj: Hmm. [7/21/2017 4:27:43 AM] girl: Hmm what [7/21/2017 4:27:53 AM] aj: I think I'll spare you. [7/21/2017 4:28:07 AM] aj: If you're already sticking your tongue out at the screen, I can ease up. [7/21/2017 4:28:15 AM] girl: You [7/21/2017 4:28:19 AM] girl: Oh my god [7/21/2017 4:28:25 AM] girl: Just say it you bastard [7/21/2017 4:28:56 AM] girl: What is possibly more embarrassing than my existence in relation to you [7/21/2017 4:29:03 AM] aj: Honeybee. [7/21/2017 4:29:26 AM] girl: Fucking flirt [7/21/2017 4:29:42 AM] aj: Oh, that wasn't what I was going to say, that just answered your question. [7/21/2017 4:29:59 AM] girl: Youre fucking killing me [7/21/2017 4:30:07 AM] girl: Not that you care [7/21/2017 4:30:45 AM] aj: I was going to ask you if you were rotten pretty though, because I imagine that's some sort of grungy look.  Like something out of a high fashion seasonal thing that involves trashbags and whatnot.' [7/21/2017 4:31:01 AM] aj: Being pretty and being rotten does not make one rotten pretty. [7/21/2017 4:32:13 AM] girl: I don't thinj they make that sort of thing for girls with frighteningly enormous hips [7/21/2017 4:32:22 AM] girl: My dentist told me i look like [7/21/2017 4:32:25 AM] girl: Coraline [7/21/2017 4:32:41 AM] girl: Because of my dress [7/21/2017 4:32:47 AM] aj: Aaah [7/21/2017 4:32:59 AM] aj: That's too bad.  You could have been a rotten pretty treasure person. [7/21/2017 4:33:21 AM] girl: It's not too bad at all [7/21/2017 4:33:36 AM] girl: I'm quite [7/21/2017 4:33:40 AM] girl: Pleased [7/21/2017 4:33:47 AM] aj: I never asked you. [7/21/2017 4:33:56 AM] girl: who cares? [7/21/2017 4:34:12 AM] aj: You're catching on to me and not overreacting anymore. [7/21/2017 4:34:17 AM] aj: Good job. [7/21/2017 4:35:05 AM] girl: You offended me by saying who asked you, which was rude, so i snipped like a mean girl [7/21/2017 4:35:13 AM] girl: Though youve [7/21/2017 4:35:21 AM] girl: Seen me be a much meaner girl [7/21/2017 4:35:33 AM] aj: Yeah, the snip didn't bug me. [7/21/2017 4:36:05 AM] aj: Your dentist said a nice thing.  Probably I'd say you were cute. [7/21/2017 4:36:22 AM] aj: But not if I was a dentist, because dentists telling people they're cute is super weird. [7/21/2017 4:36:44 AM] girl: i was offended at first, because she said, tim burton-y. And i said, oh, um, thanks [7/21/2017 4:36:52 AM] girl: but coraline isnt so offensive [7/21/2017 4:36:59 AM] aj: Yeah [7/21/2017 4:37:03 AM] aj: That was a nice thing to say [7/21/2017 4:37:10 AM] girl: Oh aj [7/21/2017 4:37:19 AM] aj: Mm? [7/21/2017 4:37:23 AM] girl: Im just so fucking cute not even my dentist can help herself [7/21/2017 4:38:26 AM] girl: I think its probably lost on you because its not very cute to act the way i do to you sometimes [7/21/2017 4:38:33 AM] girl: Most times [7/21/2017 4:39:33 AM] girl: But it was truly not her fault... I'm very polite and a lot like a fat cat [7/21/2017 4:40:17 AM] girl: And god knows it would be a crime to be hateful to a fat cat [7/21/2017 4:40:35 AM] girl: And thats why my dentist called me cute and gave me a gift card. Thank you [7/21/2017 4:40:41 AM] girl: She also made my teeth hurt [7/21/2017 4:40:49 AM] aj: Heh. [7/21/2017 4:41:04 AM] aj: In your case, I think... [7/21/2017 4:41:28 AM] aj: I could already see some of that. [7/21/2017 4:41:44 AM] girl: A fat cat? [7/21/2017 4:41:54 AM] aj: Nah, but polite and cute. [7/21/2017 4:42:08 AM] girl: Sounds like i need to try harder [7/21/2017 4:42:26 AM] girl: You called me cute again [7/21/2017 4:42:39 AM] girl: Even though it was just agreeing with me [7/21/2017 4:43:22 AM] girl: You're still a fucking flirt [7/21/2017 4:43:34 AM] aj: lmao [7/21/2017 4:43:44 AM] girl: It's fine, though [7/21/2017 4:43:56 AM] aj: You wouldn't believe me if I denied it. [7/21/2017 4:44:03 AM] girl: I like it because im a masochist (´ ∀ ` *) [7/21/2017 4:44:15 AM] girl: That i was cute? [7/21/2017 4:44:25 AM] girl: I wouldn't. [7/21/2017 4:44:34 AM] aj: Nah.  The flirt bit. [7/21/2017 4:44:45 AM] girl: Even if you don't mean to [7/21/2017 4:44:52 AM] girl: You called me a fucking petname [7/21/2017 4:44:58 AM] girl: What else is that [7/21/2017 4:45:12 AM] aj: You asked what was more embarrassing.  Out of all the sordid things there were. [7/21/2017 4:45:24 AM] aj: That word ranks at the top. [7/21/2017 4:45:30 AM] girl: There's plenty of embarrassing things about me [7/21/2017 4:45:49 AM] girl: That aren't so cute and horrible of you to say [7/21/2017 4:46:07 AM] girl: Like [7/21/2017 4:46:11 AM] girl: A lot of them [7/21/2017 4:46:25 AM] girl: I'm a walking shame machine [7/21/2017 4:47:03 AM] aj: Sure, but that one induces profound shame and complicatedness alongside. [7/21/2017 4:47:10 AM] aj: Also, it was a kneejerk reply. [7/21/2017 4:47:18 AM] girl: Homo [7/21/2017 4:47:33 AM] girl: Anyone else would call that flirting [7/21/2017 4:48:32 AM] girl: But if you're so insistent, i wont fuss. Fucking gay though lol [7/21/2017 4:49:08 AM] aj: I'd try and be more obvious and clumsy if I wanted to flirt with you. [7/21/2017 4:49:15 AM] aj: I feel like you'd deserve that. [7/21/2017 4:49:55 AM] aj: Also, you've totally ranted at me and bounced between homicidal and wanting a hatefuck or something and then wanting hugs. [7/21/2017 4:50:12 AM] girl: Exactly!! [7/21/2017 4:50:18 AM] girl: Much more embarrassing [7/21/2017 4:50:55 AM] aj: Yeah, this just shows we have entirely different concepts of what that entails. [7/21/2017 4:51:08 AM] girl: Sorry that i wanted to kill you. That first time at least was me taking meds that didn't sit well with me [7/21/2017 4:52:23 AM] girl: But still [7/21/2017 4:53:12 AM] girl: You're being cute, it's kind of gross [7/21/2017 4:54:14 AM] girl: Not that I'm complaining, even if it wasn't at me I like knowing that you're still cute sometimes. It's also a burden but thats fine for now [7/21/2017 4:54:48 AM] aj: I don't have much consolation for you on that one. [7/21/2017 4:55:25 AM] girl: Guess ill just have to suffer by myself then [7/21/2017 4:55:51 AM] girl: I truly am suffering [7/21/2017 4:55:57 AM] aj: Yeah? [7/21/2017 4:56:06 AM] girl: i cant breathe in this stupid apartmenr [7/21/2017 4:56:21 AM] aj: For a moment I was feeling bad. [7/21/2017 4:56:29 AM] aj: You got me for a moment. [7/21/2017 4:56:33 AM] girl: Oops [7/21/2017 4:57:18 AM] girl: It makes me happy to talk with you lile this, even if it makes me a sick masochistic freak [7/21/2017 4:57:25 AM] girl: So you dont have to worry for now [7/21/2017 4:58:29 AM] girl: Youve always been a nice distraction from other more horrible thinhs, except rn i cant think of them bc im living in perpetual brainfog and congestion and cant hardly remember yesterday [7/21/2017 4:58:39 AM] aj: This type of conversation felt more organic and natural, and I've been wondering if that's a good thing or a bad thing for the past couple of hours.  It has been nice, though. [7/21/2017 4:58:54 AM] girl: I don't think it matters [7/21/2017 4:59:02 AM] girl: To me, anyway. [7/21/2017 5:00:06 AM] girl: I'm pretty resigned to feeling something intense somewhere in my skull for you forever, no matter if you indulge me or not. No matter if i indulge myself either i guess [7/21/2017 5:00:49 AM] girl: It's kind of a weirdly peaceful feeling i guess [7/21/2017 5:01:05 AM] aj: Well, that's good at least. [7/21/2017 5:02:02 AM] girl: I wish i wasnt retarded though, I really hate having a cursed millennial brain that can only wver think of Video Games and Tweeting [7/21/2017 5:03:17 AM] girl: I have too much hair but i dont want to cut it myself and i dont want anyone else to cut it rn either [7/21/2017 5:03:55 AM] girl: i used to have a lot more though, its nice to drown yourself in your own hair [7/21/2017 5:04:05 AM] aj: Long hair is A++ [7/21/2017 5:04:33 AM] girl: I like myself with fluffy little bob cuts but i also like myself with really really long hair [7/21/2017 5:05:03 AM] girl: Everything in between is anything ranging from slightly imperfect to very annoying [7/21/2017 5:05:32 AM] girl: I saw a girl with such a fluffy bob cut today and it was so cute [7/21/2017 5:06:55 AM] aj: How is it already 5. [7/21/2017 5:06:58 AM] aj: Blah. [7/21/2017 5:07:07 AM] aj: I should sleep for a few hours or something. [7/21/2017 5:07:34 AM] girl: Have to be somewhere? [7/21/2017 5:07:55 AM] aj: Nah, but I should at least keep some normal hours. [7/21/2017 5:07:58 AM] girl: Im going to sleep all day (´ ∀ ` *) [7/21/2017 5:08:30 AM] girl: I woke up at like 7:30 yesterday and i felt like garbage the entire day LOL [7/21/2017 5:09:20 AM] aj: treasure* [7/21/2017 5:09:40 AM] girl: Die [7/21/2017 5:09:50 AM] aj: I had to. [7/21/2017 5:10:19 AM] girl: I think im just going to hang out on my couch and try to make my nose work again before i sleep though [7/21/2017 5:11:04 AM] aj: Probably wise.  No neti pot or stuff like it? [7/21/2017 5:11:28 AM] girl: No, but i have an inhaler somewhere around here Lol [7/21/2017 5:13:25 AM] aj: That could work. [7/21/2017 5:13:32 AM] aj: I haven't used an inhaler in a long time [7/21/2017 5:13:37 AM] aj: so, maybe it also couldn't work [7/21/2017 5:13:38 AM] girl: snorts it [7/21/2017 5:13:58 AM] girl: I use mine all the time bc of this MOLDY fucking building [7/21/2017 5:15:21 AM] girl: You can snooze whenever, I'm chattering bc im feeling chattery but sooner or later my body will tell me enough is enoyfh and force me in2 slumber [7/21/2017 5:15:37 AM] girl: Hopefully not on the couch because its a bit. Short [7/21/2017 5:15:46 AM] girl: Send prayers [7/21/2017 5:18:30 AM] girl: I hope if nothing else i at least get a marimo farm in my lungs [7/21/2017 5:19:32 AM] aj: Heh, sleeping.  Feel better. [7/21/2017 5:19:56 AM] girl: Night [7/21/2017 5:20:03 AM] girl: Idiot [7/21/2017 1:54:44 PM] girl: Hh [7/21/2017 6:17:17 PM] girl: Mnn [7/21/2017 6:17:32 PM] girl: It was... nice to talk to you almost kind of normal [7/21/2017 6:18:09 PM] girl: I went to the pharmacy... and drank a bery large mocha... and went to the fish market... [7/21/2017 6:19:01 PM] girl: I hate when i cant fucking read [7/21/2017 6:19:58 PM] girl: I think thats the worst thing about my dumbass symptoms is like reading anything informational is like a concentrated effort, like, i couldnt read these stupid signs abt cheese [7/21/2017 6:45:38 PM] girl: Also i ended up falling asleep on the couch lol [7/21/2017 6:45:46 PM] girl: Like a damn idiot [7/21/2017 6:46:05 PM] girl: But i went back t bed at like 8 or 9 or 10 [7/21/2017 6:50:42 PM] girl: Also I had some. Folks online mistake me for like 12 today... which wS... interesting... i think th effect is lost when people see me irl bc i have the stature of a grown woman but i regularly get mistaken for like 16-17 but i think thats just whT happens when youre asian and round in the face [7/21/2017 9:07:44 PM] girl: My aunt is soooo psycho [7/21/2017 10:17:59 PM] girl: She like. I dont think ive ever met anyone so evil. Evil and crazy. Its fine though [7/21/2017 10:18:11 PM] girl: I feel very unfocused and dumb sorry!!! [7/21/2017 11:56:12 PM] girl: Did yoy know im allergic to like every raw fruit and vegetable and the sun [7/22/2017 2:33:20 AM] girl: Hahaha [7/22/2017 2:33:38 AM] girl: For a cute girl who acts rly normal to most people I really am such a loser [7/22/2017 2:47:45 AM] girl: (´ ∀ ` *) I really am pretty pathetic [7/22/2017 2:48:23 AM] girl: but its mostly okay because im charming enough to get away with it... but boy sometimes i think about what a huge loser i am and go WOW [7/22/2017 3:51:46 AM] girl: Hahahaha [7/22/2017 3:51:56 AM] girl: I call you a dog. But [7/22/2017 3:52:05 AM] girl: Sometimes im a dog too [7/22/2017 11:26:38 AM] girl: I??? Woke up to my fucking aunt telling me. Like. Oh my god idk. Crazy shit bc my other aunt is a crazy evil woman and I think shes telling my moms side of the family shit about me that isnt true [7/22/2017 11:51:04 PM] girl: Bluh [7/22/2017 11:51:13 PM] girl: I hate how foggy i feel [7/22/2017 11:51:32 PM] girl: Its so difficult to think ahead. [7/23/2017 1:38:05 AM] girl: Mmmn my [7/23/2017 1:38:37 AM] girl: Fingers are all messy bc ive been touching theese eyeshadow pallettrs [7/24/2017 4:03:50 AM] aj: Yeah, you're a dog, too. [7/24/2017 4:05:15 AM] aj: That being said, I think most people feel that they're frauds to some extent. [7/24/2017 4:06:09 AM] aj: That could just be me, though.  The truth is that no matter how smart of capable you are, your skills are limited, largely only useful in the time you're born and live, and not even that great. [7/24/2017 4:07:32 AM] aj: One of the things I super-hate is people who say they're "educated".  Like, what the fuck does that even mean?  Dogs who do training are "educated" or some shit.  Lots of people like it to mean that they have a degree or read a few books sometimes, or say it as a put-on because they think whatever vapid things they like qualify as things "educated" people like. [7/24/2017 4:09:09 AM] aj: So, if being "educated" means having a degree, the problem is that having a degree doesn't mean one is "educated".  Honorary degrees aside, there's a huge philosophical problem that I think it called the Chinese Room or something like it.  Basically, even if you display perfect understanding, there's no way to know that you actually understand something.  You could just be following a complex series of decision trees or memorized it all. [7/24/2017 4:10:11 AM] aj: Granted, analytics and rote memorization are a part of understanding, but we tend to think of understanding as more than that.  THE POINT IS that any credential does not guarantee that the holder actually knows what they're talking about.  It just ups the probability.  So, credentials are out as a 100% indication of "educated". [7/24/2017 4:10:46 AM] aj: Which leaves, what?  Without that, we just have consensus opinion and personal testimony, which is fine because degrees are just more rigorous versions of that shit anyways. [7/24/2017 4:11:31 AM] aj: But, then, saying you're "educated" means that you've attained some level of knowledge and understanding that will always and forever place you in that status.  Which is BULLSHIT because stuff changes all the damn time. [7/24/2017 4:12:23 AM] aj: I guess in the end I just hate that term.  The legit smart and wise people I know won't use that word as a self-descriptor. [7/24/2017 4:12:47 AM] aj: So all that's left are people who use that word because it sounds good and maybe people told them they were smart or something. [7/24/2017 4:14:48 AM] aj: So.  Most people are frauds.  Or they vastly overestimate their abilities and then go on to overstate them.  It's a display that combines a lack of circumspect thinking with a lack of humility, and produces people who fearlessly blunder into an uncertain future while simultaneously insulting people who have the good sense to know they're stupid and people who have the humility to constrain their self-expression. [7/24/2017 4:20:03 AM] aj: So.  Being charming is pretty good because you still have that going for you on top of enough self-knowledge to know where your limits tend to be. [7/24/2017 4:20:19 AM] aj: Don't be so hard on yourself, you could be an "educated" twat or someshit. [7/24/2017 11:17:40 AM] girl: Hahahaha [7/24/2017 12:51:38 PM] girl: I saw that and fell right badk asleep [7/24/2017 3:33:34 PM] girl: Sometimes you can be pretty cute [7/24/2017 3:34:22 PM] girl: Mostly i just hate being unmedicated and a lot of add treatment options are kind of bad or they're adderall lol [7/24/2017 3:35:34 PM] girl: I'm like out of withdrawal phase or should be but it's just annoying to have to make a concentrated effort to do things other people can do with ease [7/24/2017 3:37:57 PM] girl: It's like, having meds is like putting glasses on for the first time and being like oh this is how things are kind of supposed to be, and so, being off them is extra frustrating when you know how stuff feels and is Normally i guess. And I can't really do much in the way of trying harder, my brain shits out midway through sentences and stuff and i am rly easily distracted and i want to. Roll in mud and die [7/24/2017 3:39:01 PM] girl: Idk if it's you know, actual Textbook Adhd or just my brain didn't develop normal because i spent so many of my formative years in traumatic situations and environments but my brain sure doesn't work right [7/24/2017 3:42:36 PM] girl: It feels like there's a lot of things wrong with me and i hate it because symptoms really aren't the same for everybody and mental issues are hard to diagnose and treat right, and it seems like i have some conflicting things going on and thats very annoying [7/25/2017 2:44:20 AM] girl: mmm [7/25/2017 2:44:30 AM] girl: I'm a little high lol. And very strange [7/25/2017 4:09:50 AM] girl: Sleepy... sleepy sleepy [7/25/2017 4:09:59 AM] girl: I cant believe youre so tall... [7/25/2017 4:10:05 AM] girl: Thats too tall you know [7/25/2017 4:10:10 AM] girl: Much too tall... [7/25/2017 4:10:17 AM] girl: No reason for it even... [7/25/2017 9:44:28 PM] aj: =P [7/25/2017 10:39:55 PM] girl: Dummy [7/25/2017 10:43:24 PM] girl: Its so fucking hot [7/25/2017 10:48:53 PM] girl: Like way too fucking hot [7/25/2017 10:49:07 PM] girl: Im letting ari have our singular fan bc hes asleep [7/25/2017 10:49:15 PM] girl: But o wish i was cruel enough to take ot [7/25/2017 10:55:56 PM] aj:  /patpat [7/25/2017 11:00:47 PM] girl: Dont pat me [7/25/2017 11:00:50 PM] girl: Thats rude [7/25/2017 11:02:53 PM] girl: I have some [7/25/2017 11:02:57 PM] girl: Interesting [7/25/2017 11:03:03 PM] girl: Family drama [7/25/2017 11:25:40 PM] aj: Yeah? [7/25/2017 11:25:50 PM] aj: You getting more problems from your aunt? [7/25/2017 11:26:00 PM] girl: Hahaha [7/25/2017 11:26:03 PM] girl: Yeah [7/25/2017 11:26:20 PM] girl: White aunt idk [7/25/2017 11:27:17 PM] girl: She was like... "the reason you're having issues with your dads family is because you don't respect or know your own culture. Japanese people value honor." [7/25/2017 11:27:34 PM] girl: Then she sent me a picture of my grandpa with the word DOJO over it from a magazine [7/25/2017 11:27:37 PM] girl: I was. [7/25/2017 11:27:49 PM] girl: Shocked [7/25/2017 11:28:01 PM] aj: lolololhonor culture [7/25/2017 11:28:12 PM] aj: Saving face is not the same as valuing honor. [7/25/2017 11:28:45 PM] aj: Relying on cultural constructions that produce peer pressure for stepping out of the line of norms is not "honor". [7/25/2017 11:29:06 PM] aj: Individualism is also shit, don't get me wrong. [7/25/2017 11:29:33 PM] girl: I just was like [7/25/2017 11:30:09 PM] girl: Shocked at how caucasian of her it was to say, esp when my other aunt is like genuinely evil and tried to keep me from coming to my own dads funeral [7/25/2017 11:30:22 PM] girl: Like bringing up... japanese honor... or whatever... [7/25/2017 11:30:32 PM] girl: Like maam? Are you well? [7/25/2017 11:30:35 PM] aj: Yeah, I have no idea how that factors into it. [7/25/2017 11:31:15 PM] girl: A [7/25/2017 11:31:29 PM] girl: A failure to understand my own familys culture.... ok... [7/25/2017 11:31:34 PM] aj: I... [7/25/2017 11:31:41 PM] girl: Girl i know [7/25/2017 11:31:52 PM] aj: Do people read what they message? [7/25/2017 11:32:39 PM] girl: She sent me a pic of my grandpa in his dojo [7/25/2017 11:32:41 PM] girl: Like [7/25/2017 11:32:55 PM] girl: See how honorable and japanese your grandpa was [7/25/2017 11:33:00 PM] girl: Like oh my god [7/25/2017 11:33:35 PM] aj: I don't understand how someone does that and thinks they're making a point on anything other than their own ignorance. [7/25/2017 11:34:36 PM] girl: Its so embarrassing [7/25/2017 11:34:45 PM] girl: Im so deeply embarrassed for her [7/25/2017 11:34:50 PM] aj: I feel shame for this person, yes. [7/25/2017 11:35:15 PM] girl: I'm sensitive and it ruins my mornings when she pulls this shit so i finally just told her to fuck off [7/25/2017 11:35:58 PM] aj: I was speaking with my sister earlier about that girl who rolled her car while snapchatting. [7/25/2017 11:36:31 PM] aj: and who, once getting out of her vehicle, instead of calling 911, snapchatted some more while the corpse of her sister was just there. [7/25/2017 11:36:46 PM] girl: oh my god WHAT [7/25/2017 11:37:30 PM] girl: Thats insane?!? [7/25/2017 11:37:49 PM] aj: https://kfiam640.iheart.com/content/2017-07-24-drunk-teen-livestreamed-car-crash-that-killed-her-14-year-old-sister/ [7/25/2017 11:37:59 PM] girl: I mean i also texted ari after i dound my dad but i fucking called the ambulance first(?!?!? [7/25/2017 11:38:03 PM] aj: There's a link because I try and source stuff, anyways [7/25/2017 11:38:12 PM] girl: Oh my god [7/25/2017 11:38:15 PM] girl: Thats [7/25/2017 11:38:17 PM] girl: A bit [7/25/2017 11:38:18 PM] girl: Much [7/25/2017 11:38:42 PM] aj: Livestreaming on instagram, my bad, anyways. [7/25/2017 11:38:53 PM] aj: My sister thinks that people like this are evil. [7/25/2017 11:39:22 PM] aj: So we talked about evil and stuff for a little while. [7/25/2017 11:40:24 PM] aj: The main disagreement we have is that I don't think this person is evil.  My sister can't really comprehend how someone can be so self-absorbed about it all.  She said this girl was "empty", and that's what spooks her. [7/25/2017 11:41:11 PM] aj: To me, though, evil needs malicious intent.  To just not care isn't evil in and of itself.  A lack of empathy, sure.  But evil has to be proactive. [7/25/2017 11:41:58 PM] aj: (Incidentally, the law seems to agree with me because this girl is being tried for manslaughter, which doesn't need malicious intent.) [7/25/2017 11:42:24 PM] aj: Anyways, I bring this up because people do a lot of stupid shit without intent. [7/25/2017 11:43:17 PM] girl: I agree [7/25/2017 11:43:42 PM] aj: Granted.  I'm sort of an asshole in my own interpretations of things, but I'll spare you that.  =P [7/25/2017 11:43:57 PM] girl: Though i dont think its excusable to be super lazy in trying to be at least somewhat empathetic [7/25/2017 11:45:07 PM] girl: I think people with a profound lack of empathy aren't really worth my time/that my specific brand of socialization and problems makes me easily hurt by people like that or easily annoyed [7/25/2017 11:45:13 PM] girl: By people [7/25/2017 11:45:16 PM] girl: Like that [7/25/2017 11:45:50 PM] aj: To a degree, I think empathy is related to socialization.  But I think a lot of it is also genetic and environmental. [7/25/2017 11:46:13 PM] aj: I don't think it's possible to be lazy in empathy.  Sympathy or compassion?  Maybe. [7/25/2017 11:46:31 PM] aj: Empathy is a lot less of a thing you turn on and off and a lot more a background thing. [7/25/2017 11:48:49 PM] girl: I guess compassion is more what I mean in those cases but I tend not to get along with people who lack empathy [7/25/2017 11:49:36 PM] girl: Mostly because I can't make mine stop, and its much easier to be around people who also are like that becayse we pick up on each others feelings really easily and are nice to each other and no one gets hurt or irritated [7/25/2017 11:49:57 PM] aj: This would explain one facet of your love/hate with me. [7/25/2017 11:51:16 PM] aj: I was a lot more empathetic when I was little, but that got throttled out of me and really has never returned.  I rarely feel like empathy is the best solution when trying to solve problems.  Granted, a lot of the time people just want to be heard and don't want you to solve shit, so that's cool. [7/25/2017 11:52:06 PM] girl: I don't think that's true at all [7/25/2017 11:52:16 PM] aj: Which part? [7/25/2017 11:52:29 PM] girl: The part about empathy not being a good way to solve problems [7/25/2017 11:53:13 PM] girl: Maybe not all of them but i think a lot of the highly empathetic women in my life, when theyve learned to kind of reign it in and not waste it on people who dont give a shit [7/25/2017 11:53:30 PM] girl: Are really good and likable leaders [7/25/2017 11:53:40 PM] girl: i just really love kitty too [7/25/2017 11:53:48 PM] girl: But so does everyone else [7/25/2017 11:53:52 PM] aj: Fair. [7/25/2017 11:54:05 PM] aj: I just don't think it's the best solution.  It's a good solution. [7/25/2017 11:54:18 PM] aj: and I think that in some degree it is involved in the best solutions. [7/25/2017 11:54:52 PM] girl: I think that's kind of an unfortunate and/or sad way to think. [7/25/2017 11:55:23 PM] aj: I think you're more optimistic about how long cooperation lasts between individuals and groups. [7/25/2017 11:55:44 PM] aj: I also think that how I think is a sad way to think, though. [7/25/2017 11:56:18 PM] aj: There's no right answer in this one, imo.  It just depends on what your values happen to be. [7/25/2017 11:57:20 PM] aj: Or, put differently, there are only right individual answers, but guiding principles beyond vague notions?  Eh. [7/25/2017 11:58:22 PM] girl: Are you confused/do you not understand why I feel the way I do about you, by the way? [7/25/2017 11:59:01 PM] aj: I don't know how to answer that question. [7/25/2017 11:59:35 PM] girl: ? [7/26/2017 12:00:09 AM] girl: I'm not desperate for an answer i just don't understand [7/26/2017 12:00:36 AM] aj: I know why. [7/26/2017 12:02:09 AM] girl: You just said something that made it sound like you didnt [7/26/2017 12:02:11 AM] girl: Thats all [7/26/2017 12:02:36 AM] aj: Ah, okay. [7/26/2017 12:03:25 AM] girl: What are you doing? [7/26/2017 12:03:39 AM] aj: Right now, looking at apartments. [7/26/2017 12:03:51 AM] girl: Ah [7/26/2017 12:04:06 AM] girl: I really like california but ive only ever been once [7/26/2017 12:04:30 AM] aj: The weather is nice.  I'm already anxious about the sheer amount of people there, though. [7/26/2017 12:04:48 AM] girl: No, twice, but the first time i was just going to maxs parents house becayse we decided on a whim we wanted to drive four hours to see some persian kittens [7/26/2017 12:05:19 AM] girl: I cried a lot because i loved each of them [7/26/2017 12:05:40 AM] girl: Theres a lot of people but... at least its not the east coast? [7/26/2017 12:06:00 AM] aj: I liked the east coast more. [7/26/2017 12:06:14 AM] aj: Or, at least the part above the Mason-Dixon line. [7/26/2017 12:06:52 AM] girl: Seems spooky [7/26/2017 12:06:57 AM] girl: But ive only been to ny [7/26/2017 12:07:12 AM] girl: But the people i know from jersey and florida are all freaks [7/26/2017 12:07:24 AM] aj: Heh [7/26/2017 12:10:06 AM] girl: I'm so out of it lately [7/26/2017 12:10:29 AM] aj: Yeah?  Well, it's not like your aunt has been helping. [7/26/2017 12:10:41 AM] girl: Haha [7/26/2017 12:10:46 AM] girl: Neither of them [7/26/2017 12:12:11 AM] girl: But mostly im just overwhelmingly foggy again, which is okay when im not sad, but its hard not to get frustrated when you have trpuble finishing sentences [7/26/2017 12:12:22 AM] girl: And im the kind of person who cries when im frustrated [7/26/2017 12:12:33 AM] aj: That makes sense.  Reading some of the stuff you wrote earlier made me feel sad. [7/26/2017 12:13:19 AM] girl: Haha [7/26/2017 12:13:29 AM] girl: I have to read it again, i kind of forgot [7/26/2017 12:14:29 AM] girl: Oh yeah [7/26/2017 12:14:35 AM] girl: I was feeling really fussy [7/26/2017 12:15:00 AM] girl: As i am apt to do [7/26/2017 12:15:26 AM] aj: I appreciated that. [7/26/2017 12:15:36 AM] girl: Appreciated whT? [7/26/2017 12:15:47 AM] aj: The explanation, and you mentioning how it feels. [7/26/2017 12:17:17 AM] aj: It's the difference between someone saying they feel sick [7/26/2017 12:17:41 AM] aj: and someone explaining what hurts or aches, and why. [7/26/2017 12:18:51 AM] girl: Silly to appreciate that from me, but a little weirdly heartwarming [7/26/2017 12:19:11 AM] aj: I always hit this same mental snag. [7/26/2017 12:19:23 AM] aj: Someone will say "I feel sick" or something, and I ask a little bit more but not too much. [7/26/2017 12:19:39 AM] aj: I can empathize, but I only have my own experiences to compare to what they say. [7/26/2017 12:20:00 AM] aj: So, I get bothered because I wonder if I am remembering my experiences and applying it to someone else and then feeling bad for them. [7/26/2017 12:20:20 AM] aj: and if that's true, aren't I just being selfish and imagining it all and I never really understood them but just think they feel what I do? [7/26/2017 12:20:43 AM] aj: But asking too many questions is also invasive. [7/26/2017 12:22:18 AM] girl: I don't think that matters much. All that sort of dumb nihilistic stuff is pretty true but if you feel something for someone and want them to be better when they're hurt and are happy when they're happy it's not... fake. Being a self serving person and relating to other people through yourself isnt fake or shallow [7/26/2017 12:22:46 AM] girl: And its not fake or shallow to not understand either [7/26/2017 12:22:58 AM] aj: You're right.  It still bothers me, though.  All of it. [7/26/2017 12:23:19 AM] aj: So I appreciate people that I care about telling me stuff, even if it's a lot of detail or something. [7/26/2017 12:23:35 AM] aj: Because it means I'm less likely to get caught in that loop. [7/26/2017 12:24:10 AM] girl: I'm glad its something you like and isnt annoying, then. [7/26/2017 12:25:01 AM] girl: Talking excessively always helps me more than it doesnt [7/26/2017 12:26:58 AM] girl: It's a lot easier to sort things out on paper or out loud or in text, even if its just to myself. Because im forgetful and sit at a sort of baseline where i dont think much about what im doing or feeling, so it helps me remember, and feel less lile theres something really annoying and painful bothering me that i cant figure out [7/26/2017 12:27:11 AM] girl: And journaling is kind of lonely haha [7/26/2017 12:29:10 AM] aj: That makes sense [7/26/2017 12:31:59 AM] girl: I worry about being a burden a lot too when i know i shouldnt care so much [7/26/2017 12:32:26 AM] girl: I'm always relieved when you dont think so but id know why if you did [7/26/2017 12:37:47 AM] aj:  /patpat [7/26/2017 12:37:59 AM] aj: I'd let you know if it was a burden. [7/26/2017 12:40:07 AM] girl: Haha [7/26/2017 12:40:16 AM] girl: I'd probably cry [7/26/2017 12:40:32 AM] aj: Probably. [7/26/2017 12:40:41 AM] aj: You'd also say something about being a princess, probably. [7/26/2017 12:40:50 AM] girl: I am a princess [7/26/2017 12:41:09 AM] aj: Mhm. [7/26/2017 12:41:57 AM] girl: Do you not think so? [7/26/2017 12:42:25 AM] aj: Hmm. [7/26/2017 12:42:28 AM] aj: You're... [7/26/2017 12:42:31 AM] aj: A Treasure Princess. [7/26/2017 12:42:50 AM] girl: I'm rolling my eyes [7/26/2017 12:43:03 AM] aj: Uh huh. [7/26/2017 12:43:57 AM] girl: I am a princess [7/26/2017 12:44:14 AM] girl: It's not my fault you don't believe me [7/26/2017 12:44:28 AM] aj: I just said you're a treasure princess. [7/26/2017 12:45:18 AM] girl: its disrespectful to put me on the same level as you... if you think you are...... treasure [7/26/2017 12:45:21 AM] girl: Garbage freak [7/26/2017 12:45:45 AM] aj: Such uncouth language for a princess. [7/26/2017 12:46:12 AM] girl: Princesses can say whateber they want to [7/26/2017 12:46:37 AM] aj: Commoners would think princesses are like that. [7/26/2017 12:46:52 AM] aj: Not that you're a commoner.  Just.  That's what commoners would think. [7/26/2017 12:48:18 AM] girl: Dogs don't get to talk to princesses like that (´ ∀ ` *) [7/26/2017 12:48:36 AM] aj: I agree. [7/26/2017 12:48:51 AM] aj: You should warn me if any princesses show up. [7/26/2017 12:49:05 AM] girl: Thats so mean [7/26/2017 12:49:22 AM] aj: You called me a dog. [7/26/2017 12:50:25 AM] girl: Dogs are cute~~ [7/26/2017 12:50:48 AM] aj: You're not saving it that way. [7/26/2017 12:51:14 AM] aj: Commoner. [7/26/2017 12:51:40 AM] girl: Dog! [7/26/2017 12:52:01 AM] girl: I'm a princess, and, everyone else thinks so, so... [7/26/2017 12:52:22 AM] aj: Oh, so that's what you're relying on, now. [7/26/2017 12:52:27 AM] aj: I mean, that's fine. [7/26/2017 12:53:14 AM] aj: You're free to believe what they tell you if that's what you want, and all.  I won't stop you. [7/26/2017 12:53:27 AM] girl: Youre so mean [7/26/2017 12:53:34 AM] girl: You are being so awful [7/26/2017 12:53:41 AM] aj: You started this. [7/26/2017 12:53:42 AM] girl: To such a nice girl? [7/26/2017 12:53:54 AM] aj: You started this. [7/26/2017 12:53:58 AM] girl: Oh my god. You're so awful. [7/26/2017 12:54:09 AM] girl: I'm feeling very gaslit tbh [7/26/2017 12:54:32 AM] aj: Fine, I won't say you started this. [7/26/2017 12:55:19 AM] aj: I will say that I have never heard of a story where a princess argues with a dog. [7/26/2017 12:55:28 AM] girl: Such a bad way to treat a girl who likes you so much :/. [7/26/2017 12:56:02 AM] aj: Someone still thinks I'm a dog. [7/26/2017 12:56:45 AM] girl: Because dogs are kind of cute and kind of dumb [7/26/2017 12:57:23 AM] girl: and even if they bite you a little its hard to be very mad (´ ∀ ` *) [7/26/2017 12:57:46 AM] girl: But i wont do it if it makes you feel fussy [7/26/2017 12:57:52 AM] aj: Then... [7/26/2017 12:57:54 AM] aj: if I'm a dog... [7/26/2017 12:58:07 AM] aj: It'll be hard for you to be mad at me if I say you aren't a princess! [7/26/2017 12:58:20 AM] girl: aj... [7/26/2017 12:58:28 AM] girl: I'm not mad. [7/26/2017 12:58:39 AM] girl: I'm just very disappointed. [7/26/2017 12:58:48 AM] girl: (´・ω・｀) [7/26/2017 12:58:48 AM] aj: I knew that was coming! [7/26/2017 12:59:01 AM] aj: Did it feel good when you typed it? [7/26/2017 12:59:04 AM] aj: I would have been laughing. [7/26/2017 12:59:14 AM] girl: (´・ω・｀) [7/26/2017 12:59:21 AM] aj: I'm almost jealous you got to do that one and not me. [7/26/2017 12:59:33 AM] girl: It never feels good to be disappointed by someone you thought was on your side.... [7/26/2017 12:59:42 AM] girl: But i manage, somehow [7/26/2017 12:59:51 AM] aj: You're so brave. [7/26/2017 12:59:55 AM] aj: The bravest. [7/26/2017 12:59:58 AM] aj: You. [7/26/2017 1:00:16 AM] girl: Yes its true im quite brave and strong and tall [7/26/2017 1:00:32 AM] girl: (´ ∀ ` *) i dont know how i do it all [7/26/2017 1:00:39 AM] aj: Two out of three ain't bade? [7/26/2017 1:00:42 AM] aj: bad, too. [7/26/2017 1:00:57 AM] girl: i guess it just comes with the territory u know? being a princess and all [7/26/2017 1:01:13 AM] aj: I wouldn't know, because I am all those things and not a princess. [7/26/2017 1:01:23 AM] aj: In fact, if I recall, I'm taller than you. [7/26/2017 1:01:24 AM] girl: You wont be saying that when i wear my tallman shoes....... [7/26/2017 1:01:28 AM] aj: Shock.  Dismay. [7/26/2017 1:01:40 AM] aj: I will, because it would be the shoes that are tall.  Not you. [7/26/2017 1:01:53 AM] aj: I will remark to the shoes that they are tall. [7/26/2017 1:02:10 AM] aj: and they will smile because they'd finally be recognized for it. [7/26/2017 1:02:13 AM] girl: http://www.tallmenshoes.com [7/26/2017 1:02:41 AM] girl: Tall man shoes ... five inch taller even [7/26/2017 1:02:55 AM] girl: I could be 6'1". No one would even know.. [7/26/2017 1:02:58 AM] aj: I should wear those, and tower over you even more. [7/26/2017 1:03:07 AM] girl: THEY ARE NOT FOR TALL FREAKS [7/26/2017 1:03:59 AM] girl: And anyway [7/26/2017 1:04:07 AM] aj: That's a response I'd expect from a short person. [7/26/2017 1:04:31 AM] girl: >:). Dogs arent so tall when theyre on all fours. [7/26/2017 1:04:40 AM] girl: Ew... emoji....... [7/26/2017 1:05:00 AM] girl: (avocadolove) [7/26/2017 1:05:16 AM] aj: I'm so lucky I disabled emojis. [7/26/2017 1:05:33 AM] girl: I need to lol they keep getting uglier [7/26/2017 1:05:49 AM] girl: It shocks me how fucking ugly they are ot makes me want to kill whoever is in charge of emojis [7/26/2017 1:06:09 AM] aj: and, I'd stride the world as a tall person, in tall person shoes [7/26/2017 1:06:12 AM] aj: and look down upon you. [7/26/2017 1:06:31 AM] girl: bigger are , harder fall (´ ∀ ` *) [7/26/2017 1:06:34 AM] aj: and ask you how the world of the dwarves was. [7/26/2017 1:06:44 AM] girl: ill kill you [7/26/2017 1:06:56 AM] aj: Not if my laughter does me in first. [7/26/2017 1:07:04 AM] girl: I'm not a dwarf [7/26/2017 1:07:15 AM] aj: Oh, right [7/26/2017 1:07:16 AM] aj: Sorry [7/26/2017 1:07:22 AM] aj: Dwarf Princess. [7/26/2017 1:07:23 AM] girl: I'm 5'6" and im too round to be a dwarf!! [7/26/2017 1:07:32 AM] girl: EAT SHIT AND DIE [7/26/2017 1:07:37 AM] aj: Dwarf Princesses are round, I think. [7/26/2017 1:07:51 AM] girl: Its different.... [7/26/2017 1:08:15 AM] girl: My proportions would look wrong on shortnessnand that is why im tall [7/26/2017 1:08:29 AM] girl: I'm reallt going to cry [7/26/2017 1:08:48 AM] girl: Its so mean to call me a DWARF dwarves are not cute!!! [7/26/2017 1:09:29 AM] girl: THEY ARE LIKE WEIRD GNOMES im not a gnome!!! Even if i like mushrooms!! It doesnt make me a gnome!! [7/26/2017 1:10:46 AM] girl: im too cute to be a gnome... even when im an old lady i will be cute and round and not like a gnome at all [7/26/2017 1:14:07 AM] girl: I hope the best apartment you can find is a hole in the ground with no natural lightinf so that you can sit in the dark by yourself and think about wjat youve done [7/26/2017 1:14:21 AM] aj: That's pretty comfy. [7/26/2017 1:14:25 AM] aj: By Dwarf standards. [7/26/2017 1:14:52 AM] girl: Why do you fluster me so much [7/26/2017 1:15:13 AM] girl: I shouldnt care about the opinion of some lousy dog [7/26/2017 1:15:41 AM] girl: Youre going to kill me you know? [7/26/2017 1:16:05 AM] girl: i can feel my blood pressure skyrocketing into the heavens nd soon i will die from it [7/26/2017 1:16:28 AM] aj: Can I have your Dwarven treasure after you die? [7/26/2017 1:16:53 AM] girl: Im crying i hate you [7/26/2017 1:17:05 AM] girl: I'm so fucking cute and nice and youre being so mean [7/26/2017 1:17:19 AM] girl: I'm a high stress individual!!! [7/26/2017 1:17:29 AM] girl: I cry at puppies!! [7/26/2017 1:17:45 AM] girl: I need TO BE TREATED TENDERLY [7/26/2017 1:18:22 AM] aj: You. [7/26/2017 1:18:24 AM] aj: Started. [7/26/2017 1:18:25 AM] aj: This. [7/26/2017 1:18:53 AM] girl: I'm SORRY! [7/26/2017 1:19:15 AM] girl: you're not a dog!! just a very mean and terrible man!! who makes girls cry! [7/26/2017 1:19:29 AM] aj: See, if you stopped at that first part? [7/26/2017 1:19:34 AM] aj: That first part right there? [7/26/2017 1:19:37 AM] aj: Perfection. [7/26/2017 1:20:02 AM] girl: :((( [7/26/2017 1:20:12 AM] aj: You just couldn't stop yourself, could you? [7/26/2017 1:20:17 AM] girl: be nice im a tender fucking woman [7/26/2017 1:20:33 AM] aj: I could make so many jokes on that phrasing. [7/26/2017 1:20:49 AM] girl: I AM A TENDER AND SOFT HEARTED GIRL !! [7/26/2017 1:21:01 AM] girl: ;_; [7/26/2017 1:21:58 AM] aj: and short.  Don't forget short. [7/26/2017 1:22:50 AM] girl: I'm not that short... [7/26/2017 1:23:24 AM] aj:  /headpat [7/26/2017 1:23:34 AM] aj: No, of course you're not, sweetie. [7/26/2017 1:25:01 AM] girl: Dont you sweetie me [7/26/2017 1:25:16 AM] girl: Two inches taller than average is at least a little tall... [7/26/2017 1:25:29 AM] girl: Plus im asian, so you have to give me some credit there [7/26/2017 1:25:51 AM] girl: like, my body has truly done all she can to become tall... shes doing a good job... [7/26/2017 1:26:26 AM] aj: I just agreed with you. [7/26/2017 1:26:32 AM] aj: I don't know what more you want. [7/26/2017 1:27:28 AM] aj: If only I could LIFT you out of this height obsession. [7/26/2017 1:27:34 AM] girl: I dont know im feeling sensitive okay!! [7/26/2017 1:27:53 AM] girl: you couldnt im very heavy and cumbersome to carry!! [7/26/2017 1:28:46 AM] aj: I could go for another shot or two at height, but I feel like being nice. [7/26/2017 1:30:27 AM] girl: wiki says most japanese women are 5'2"... four more inches is not BAD... [7/26/2017 1:30:40 AM] girl: I could probably carry YOU! I can carry ari [7/26/2017 1:30:59 AM] aj: Nah.  I could probably carry you, though. [7/26/2017 1:31:24 AM] girl: I could! Ari is taller than you... and used to be fatter.... im very talented!! [7/26/2017 1:32:21 AM] girl: Kitty can carry me but most people cannot... ari can sometimes [7/26/2017 1:33:10 AM] girl: but i carry ari all the time. Fun party trick little girlfriend carry big boyfriend. [7/26/2017 1:33:18 AM] aj: I'm like, 235 and around 15% bodyfat.  I haven't weighed myself recently. [7/26/2017 1:33:45 AM] girl: Ive carried ari at bigger (´・ω・｀) [7/26/2017 1:34:04 AM] girl: (´・ω・｀) im strong girl [7/26/2017 1:34:13 AM] aj: Yeah, now, I wanna know how much you weigh so I can say If I could carry you or not. [7/26/2017 1:35:06 AM] girl: I think around the same... maybe heavier or lighter depending on how much adderall im doing [7/26/2017 1:35:21 AM] aj: Same as me? [7/26/2017 1:35:35 AM] girl: Yeah! [7/26/2017 1:35:40 AM] aj: I could carry you. [7/26/2017 1:36:10 AM] girl: Nt for long bitch.... swallows 1000 protein powder [7/26/2017 1:36:23 AM] aj: Hmm. [7/26/2017 1:36:43 AM] aj: For at least half a minute.  Depends on how I was carrying you. [7/26/2017 1:37:12 AM] girl: I could carry you around my house (´ ∀ ` *) [7/26/2017 1:37:28 AM] aj: Yeah, but why would you, when I could carry you around your house. [7/26/2017 1:37:42 AM] girl: I CPULD spin you around probably [7/26/2017 1:37:51 AM] girl: I can spin hope around its quite cute [7/26/2017 1:38:38 AM] girl: Brittany my other dumb middle school friend is like the size of my forearm. I could probably throw her   [7/26/2017 1:39:03 AM] girl: the only thing i cant do is give you a ride on my back because youre a tall horrible freak [7/26/2017 1:39:59 AM] aj: You're being cute. [7/26/2017 1:41:11 AM] girl: im demonstrating that i am very strong and tall... Aggressive and territorial behavior [7/26/2017 1:41:33 AM] girl: dont fluster me [7/26/2017 1:42:01 AM] aj: I mean, you're being cute. [7/26/2017 1:42:28 AM] aj: I could spin you around, and pick you up.  Probably if I did it just right, you could ride on my back. [7/26/2017 1:42:43 AM] girl: That sounds fake and like a lie [7/26/2017 1:42:55 AM] aj: The back part I'm iffy on. [7/26/2017 1:43:08 AM] aj: The most I've put on my back is like, 225 pounds. [7/26/2017 1:43:44 AM] girl: don't call me cute.. i mean do because it nurtures my tender little ego but im flustered so [7/26/2017 1:43:56 AM] girl: i dont think ive ever been on anyomes back LOL [7/26/2017 1:44:10 AM] girl: except for when i was like, a kid [7/26/2017 1:44:31 AM] girl: I would be very scared about breakinf someones fucking spine [7/26/2017 1:45:19 AM] aj: I took up lifting weights like... I guess a year and a half ago, now.  My numbers aren't super impressive or anything.  Nor is my bodytype or anything, so I don't like mentioning it.  But my point is that for sure I could pick you up and spin you. [7/26/2017 1:45:46 AM] girl: I tried it for a little while but its so boring.... [7/26/2017 1:46:08 AM] aj: It's boring, but it's something I just do for me. [7/26/2017 1:46:19 AM] aj: I feel better when I do, and my posture is good now. [7/26/2017 1:46:22 AM] aj: So yeah. [7/26/2017 1:47:06 AM] girl: I compensate for my lack of arm strength by having rly strong legs from carrying around my fat little hips all day [7/26/2017 1:48:01 AM] aj: Sounds right. [7/26/2017 1:48:06 AM] girl: My hip width is extremely... cumbersome.... LOL. Speaking of which [7/26/2017 1:48:31 AM] aj: You'll fluster me if you keep being cute. [7/26/2017 1:48:50 AM] girl: You're flusterinf me you fucking idiot [7/26/2017 1:48:59 AM] girl: It's not cute... I should [7/26/2017 1:49:04 AM] girl: Draw something really quick [7/26/2017 1:49:24 AM] girl: I mean it IS cute when im standing up but its Like [7/26/2017 1:49:29 AM] girl: Let me justt [7/26/2017 1:53:28 AM] girl: Nnightmarish [7/26/2017 1:53:49 AM] aj:  /patpat [7/26/2017 1:53:58 AM] aj: Should I say the cute thing or should I spare you? [7/26/2017 1:54:36 AM] girl: Hmm [7/26/2017 1:55:11 AM] girl: Embarrassed / Pleased ratio approximation [7/26/2017 1:55:20 AM] girl: ? [7/26/2017 1:55:25 AM] aj: 1:1 [7/26/2017 1:55:53 AM] girl: Oh boy [7/26/2017 1:57:00 AM] girl: am i being praised or is it just to tease me [7/26/2017 1:57:23 AM] aj: Neither. [7/26/2017 1:57:57 AM] girl: Hmmmm... I guess I'm morw curious than afraid [7/26/2017 1:58:03 AM] girl: Hit me [7/26/2017 1:58:34 AM] aj: The text under the arrow is wrong. [7/26/2017 1:58:49 AM] aj: It should read: "Arm of big spoon goes here." [7/26/2017 1:59:03 AM] girl: AJ [7/26/2017 1:59:11 AM] girl: THATS SO FUCKING GAY LOL [7/26/2017 1:59:16 AM] aj: =P [7/26/2017 2:00:17 AM] girl: Dont you =p me you little demon [7/26/2017 2:00:40 AM] aj: Was it 1:1? [7/26/2017 2:01:00 AM] aj: I want to know if my approximation was correct. [7/26/2017 2:01:08 AM] girl: None of your business [7/26/2017 2:03:11 AM] aj: Hmmph. [7/26/2017 2:03:22 AM] girl: Baby. [7/26/2017 2:03:50 AM] aj: I was just pretty sure I was right on the dot for that approximation. [7/26/2017 2:06:21 AM] girl: I don't know [7/26/2017 2:06:59 AM] girl: It's embarrassing to keep thinking about [7/26/2017 2:07:11 AM] aj: Fair enough. [7/26/2017 2:07:19 AM] aj: and, I'll =P as I please. [7/26/2017 2:07:32 AM] girl: !! [7/26/2017 2:07:39 AM] girl: The nerve [7/26/2017 2:07:49 AM] aj: You appreciate it. [7/26/2017 2:09:24 AM] girl: Appreciate what? [7/26/2017 2:10:30 AM] aj: The nerve. [7/26/2017 2:10:56 AM] girl: Only sometimes, and mostly because im a masochist [7/26/2017 2:11:40 AM] girl: The other part of that being because its kind of fun to be shocked by someone's blatantly horrible behavior [7/26/2017 2:12:39 AM] girl: But I'm also a finnicky girl who wants exactly what i want most times and cries and cries of injustive when  things don't go my way. Sometimes. [7/26/2017 2:13:26 AM] girl: Well. Kitty says I chastise myself too much for having normal traumatized girl reactions to things but I also think I'm perfectly capable of being a brat. [7/26/2017 2:14:17 AM] girl: What im saying is yes, a little, but only when you do it right and don't trample on my sensitive and finnicky little heart [7/26/2017 2:14:29 AM] girl: =p is ugly too [7/26/2017 2:14:52 AM] aj: See you always add something on the end. [7/26/2017 2:15:21 AM] aj: and, considering any talking to you whatsoever is blatantly horrible behavior [7/26/2017 2:16:21 AM] aj: and you cry injustice and are a self-professed brat.  Well.  I don't really know what to say. [7/26/2017 2:17:48 AM] girl: That doesn't bother me much at the moment. I've come to terms with the fact that I am a sick baby who feels much more comforted when you're around than when you're not, so you only have to worry about that a little [7/26/2017 2:19:10 AM] girl: Like I said, do what you want but do your best not to make me cry. idiot [7/26/2017 2:22:28 AM] aj: I mostly just tease and try to listen to you. [7/26/2017 2:22:53 AM] aj: You're easily flustered, so I guess I do that, too. [7/26/2017 2:23:25 AM] aj: Sometimes I mean to.  Sometimes I don't.  I'm messed up, but I also realize that if I just cut contact with you, you'd hate me more than if I was around and messed up. [7/26/2017 2:24:38 AM] girl: Im not fussed [7/26/2017 2:24:51 AM] girl: Just being a little mean, not entirely on purpose [7/26/2017 2:25:00 AM | Removed 2:32:45 AM] aj: This message has been removed. [7/26/2017 2:25:06 AM] girl: Ew [7/26/2017 2:25:23 AM] girl: Looks like a power outlet [7/26/2017 2:26:21 AM] aj: Dummy. [7/26/2017 2:28:05 AM] girl: Youre a dummy... [7/26/2017 2:28:17 AM] girl: The face is too close together... eyes [7/26/2017 2:29:35 AM] girl: I feel like getting drunk but I dont feel like drinking like. Grand marnier by itself. 🙄🙄🙄🙄 [7/26/2017 2:30:13 AM] girl: Mostly because... its boring to be... understimulated... [7/26/2017 2:30:58 AM | Removed 2:32:27 AM] aj: This message has been removed. [7/26/2017 2:32:08 AM] girl: I hate it... [7/26/2017 2:33:05 AM] girl: Did you just delete that so you wouldnt have to look at the emoji... [7/26/2017 2:33:21 AM] aj: Yep. [7/26/2017 2:33:28 AM] girl: ...... [7/26/2017 2:34:15 AM] girl: Honestly [7/26/2017 2:34:28 AM] girl: At least i dont have to look at that stupid face [7/26/2017 2:34:38 AM] girl: (´ ∀ ` *) [7/26/2017 2:36:25 AM] girl: It's weird to me how i could still strangely feel so... actively... warm about you. It doesn't bother me much, I'm complicit whn it comes to caring about my own freak indulgences [7/26/2017 2:37:39 AM] girl: I didn't word that last part quite the way i wanted to but you get me [7/26/2017 2:37:58 AM] aj: Yeah, I understand. [7/26/2017 2:43:20 AM] girl: I am so [7/26/2017 2:45:59 AM] girl: Sad that [7/26/2017 2:46:15 AM] girl: This picture of a cat with impact text saying [7/26/2017 2:46:26 AM] girl: Hop in we are going to chernobyl isnt sending [7/26/2017 2:47:26 AM] aj:  /patpat [7/26/2017 2:47:46 AM] girl: Important picture [7/26/2017 2:48:50 AM] aj: I'm getting some rest. [7/26/2017 2:48:59 AM] aj: Sleep well when you do. [7/26/2017 2:49:10 AM] girl: I'm getting some [7/26/2017 2:49:17 AM] girl: alcohol in my sick litttle body [7/26/2017 2:49:24 AM] girl: 💤💤💤 [7/26/2017 2:50:24 AM] aj: I think that on every level, we probably drastically disagree with each other.  I think that those disagreements wouldn't be possible to reconcile, too.  But... [7/26/2017 2:50:35 AM] aj: I'm happy people like you exist, and that you exist. [7/26/2017 2:50:53 AM] girl: Thats gay [7/26/2017 2:51:02 AM] girl: Dont make me cry when im not even drunk at all [7/26/2017 2:51:51 AM] aj: Stupid. [7/26/2017 2:51:58 AM] girl: Youre stupid [7/26/2017 2:52:08 AM] aj: Yeah, I am. [7/26/2017 2:52:21 AM] girl: I knew you'd say that [7/26/2017 2:53:26 AM] girl: <3 bye [7/26/2017 2:53:32 AM] aj: It's the truth.  Seeya. [7/26/2017 5:36:30 AM | Removed 5:42:43 AM] girl: This message has been removed. [7/26/2017 5:36:45 AM | Removed 5:42:50 AM] girl: This message has been removed. [7/26/2017 5:37:25 AM | Removed 5:42:57 AM] girl: This message has been removed. [7/26/2017 5:37:35 AM | Removed 5:43:10 AM] girl: This message has been removed. [7/26/2017 5:41:21 AM | Removed 5:43:03 AM] girl: This message has been removed. [7/26/2017 5:42:40 AM | Removed 5:43:16 AM] girl: This message has been removed. [7/26/2017 11:32:22 AM] aj: Probably for the best that I didn't see that stuff, eh? [7/26/2017 11:33:04 AM] girl: Oh my god [7/26/2017 11:33:16 AM] girl: It tells you that i deleted things????? [7/26/2017 11:33:44 AM] aj: Mhm. [7/26/2017 11:34:31 AM] girl: Aye yi yi [7/26/2017 11:34:40 AM] girl: It wasn't anything serious [7/26/2017 11:34:47 AM] girl: I was just being embarrassing [7/26/2017 11:35:59 AM] girl: I was thinking abt texting you though but I didn't want to be obnoxious lol but if youre on later I have... even... more... family drama loool [7/26/2017 11:36:19 AM] girl: ari is like pisst [7/26/2017 11:37:12 AM] aj: Sorry to hear that last part.  I'll be on late, again. [7/26/2017 11:37:18 AM] aj: but might check this later. [7/26/2017 11:37:53 AM] aj: So you can if you like.  It's not obnoxious [7/26/2017 11:38:35 AM] girl: Mmkay [7/26/2017 11:39:33 AM] girl: I'm gonna eat waffles and caffeine the irritability away [7/26/2017 11:39:46 AM] aj:  /patpat [7/26/2017 11:40:07 AM] aj: Alright.  I was just concerned you were okay. [7/26/2017 11:56:38 AM] girl: Nah m fine [7/26/2017 11:56:48 AM] girl: Just annoyed and stressed [7/26/2017 12:29:43 PM] girl: This hot little mess LOL.... she had a fourth child after my brother came along. When she was already making her kids share rooms..... which is an interesting choice.... [7/26/2017 12:30:19 PM] girl: Likr maybe dont have another baby when your husband is never home and you've taken legal guardianship of my brother??? [7/26/2017 12:36:35 PM] girl: This is the daughter of the one who made the slightly insensitive racial comments [7/26/2017 3:17:32 PM] girl: Lol im su h a crybaby i hate her so fucking much [7/26/2017 3:23:08 PM] girl: I hate her sooo fucking much [7/26/2017 3:23:45 PM] girl: I'm not equipped to take care of a 15 year old but she clearly doesn't Fucking know how either [7/26/2017 3:24:20 PM] girl: Idfk what to do looool there are so many people im looking forward to never talking to again [7/26/2017 3:41:37 PM] girl: Anyway i hope she and her creep ass husband die alone [7/26/2017 6:03:04 PM] girl: Ohhh my god [7/26/2017 6:03:24 PM] girl: Sorry for all this but you did give me permission so im going on ahead but ahe fucking [7/26/2017 6:03:35 PM] girl: Left me this scary ass voice message [7/26/2017 6:04:39 PM] girl: She sounded like she was trying and failing to contain her rage by being peppy after i said well talk next week bc i need to figure thimhs out [7/26/2017 6:05:31 PM] girl: And she like immediately called me after I said like, no, you just sprung this on me out of nowhere, im gonna call you next week lol [7/26/2017 6:08:02 PM] girl: Seemed like a creepy little way to try and assert power over mw lol shes like the younger morw evil version of her already quite evil and annoying mother [7/26/2017 9:20:01 PM] girl: Sweaty..... [7/26/2017 11:25:42 PM] girl: I slept a lot in bed and its so hot.... [7/27/2017 1:33:50 AM] girl: Anyway thats my. Psycho aunt problems and mow im a bit drunk again but its ooookay [7/27/2017 1:33:56 AM] girl: Cousin i mean [7/27/2017 1:33:59 AM] girl: Whatever. [7/27/2017 1:34:18 AM] girl: I'm making an egg at 1:30 am bc i respect myswlf [7/27/2017 1:42:16 AM] girl: Hmm [7/27/2017 1:42:21 AM] girl: Sometimes in life [7/27/2017 1:42:26 AM] girl: You are just [7/27/2017 1:42:41 AM] girl: Drunk enough to rhink that the cinammon is paprika :((( [7/27/2017 1:54:30 AM] aj: lmao [7/27/2017 1:54:34 AM] aj: Fail. [7/27/2017 1:55:23 AM] girl: Im shocked [7/27/2017 1:55:27 AM] girl: You said [7/27/2017 1:55:32 AM] girl: fail... [7/27/2017 1:55:54 AM] aj: You added cinnamon instead of paprika. [7/27/2017 1:55:58 AM] aj: What else was I supposed to say? [7/27/2017 1:56:20 AM] girl: I'm INEBNRIATED [7/27/2017 1:56:38 AM] aj: Sure, that means it's funny on top of being stupid. [7/27/2017 1:56:43 AM] aj: Instead of just being stupid. [7/27/2017 1:57:31 AM] girl: i thought it would be okay to. Um. [7/27/2017 1:58:07 AM] girl: Finish my boyfriends drink even though i know im a little fucking light weight. And. It wasn't as okay as i initially thought it would be [7/27/2017 1:58:47 AM] aj: You suffer from a chronic case of bad judgment, don't you? [7/27/2017 1:59:38 AM] girl: Shut up??? [7/27/2017 2:00:05 AM] girl: Anywathats my drama [7/27/2017 2:00:29 AM] girl: I'm fucking love lana del rey and i cannot wait to be estranged from most of my family or they die [7/27/2017 2:14:59 AM] aj: Heh.  I'm getting some rest. [7/27/2017 2:15:09 AM] aj: Sleep well when you do.  Don't make more dumb mistakes. [7/27/2017 2:15:34 AM] girl: Yourw dumb [7/27/2017 2:15:36 AM] girl: Idiot [7/27/2017 2:16:01 AM] aj: I'm not cinnamon-in-my-eggs dumb [7/27/2017 2:16:22 AM] girl: Shut up [7/27/2017 2:16:26 AM] girl: Thats not my fault [7/27/2017 2:16:33 AM] girl: The bottles look VERY SIMILAR [7/27/2017 2:16:58 AM] aj: I can't imagine who else could be at fault. [7/27/2017 2:17:13 AM] girl: Oh my god [7/27/2017 2:17:20 AM] girl: Piss off, eat shit and Die [7/27/2017 2:17:31 AM] girl: It was a really hard time [7/27/2017 12:13:42 PM] girl: Hhh [7/27/2017 12:13:52 PM] girl: Im s tired [7/27/2017 10:14:41 PM] girl: why is everyone so fucked up and inappropriate [7/27/2017 10:14:54 PM] girl: so so fucked up and inappropriate it is SHOCKING and offensive?! [7/27/2017 10:16:58 PM] girl: this girl elliot just came over and told me about all this shit my lesbian friends i have a lot of lesbian.friends. did in the woods. when they hung out together. and one of them said 'wow you have saggy old lady tits just like me' to some other girl and its like UM THAT'S INAPPROPRIATE MISS [7/27/2017 10:18:04 PM] girl: act fucking normal you fucking freak. she then left her a note later (everyone was leaving notes. to each other) about how she 'saw (herself) in (the other girl) and (her) pendulum breasts' [7/27/2017 10:19:10 PM] girl: IF ANYONE EVER SAID THAT TO ME ID FUCKING DECK THEM!!! [7/27/2017 10:19:36 PM] girl: i was shocked. shocked. i was shaken to my fucking core i could not believe that sick little freak said that. and also she said it to like a fat girl and she is NOT FAT and it's NOT THE SAME and it was fucked up of her. i would throw her to jail [7/28/2017 2:18:35 AM] aj: I'm shocked.  Absolutely shocked.  I was under the impression that lesbians were the last bastion of appropriate and inoffensive behavior. [7/28/2017 2:19:20 AM] aj: But really, everyone is messed up. [7/28/2017 2:19:26 AM] aj: That transcends all boundaries. [7/28/2017 2:26:10 AM] girl: Aj [7/28/2017 2:26:49 AM] girl: There are a lot of lesbians who are good and right and there are a lot of lesbians who do their best despite being a bit on the spectrum [7/28/2017 2:27:00 AM] aj: Isn't that the same for everyone? [7/28/2017 2:27:22 AM] girl: No you fool [7/28/2017 2:28:49 AM] girl: Lesbian community is like a bunch of normal girls and a bunch of like very sensitive freaks yelling and mostly wveruone gets alomg because it's understood that you let screamers scream and gently guide them away from spiraling into hell [7/28/2017 2:29:27 AM] girl: Im not a lespbian but im the favorite bihet [7/28/2017 2:29:32 AM] aj: I fail to see how that's different from most other groupings in humanity, aside from orientation. [7/28/2017 2:30:13 AM] aj: Your description covers most of humanity, in one form or another. [7/28/2017 2:30:19 AM] girl: Less explicit focus on hierarchy in my experience [7/28/2017 2:30:32 AM] girl: And nobody gets along [7/28/2017 2:31:50 AM] aj: I'll give you the hierarchy thing.  But that seems more common in female dominant groups? [7/28/2017 2:32:11 AM] girl: What does [7/28/2017 2:32:31 AM] aj: Female dominant groups seem less focused on strictly defined hierarchies. [7/28/2017 2:32:43 AM] aj: They still exist, but they're less overt, is what I mean. [7/28/2017 2:32:48 AM] girl: Yeah [7/28/2017 2:33:13 AM] girl: They also like to hang out in the woods together. Like a lot [7/28/2017 2:33:29 AM] girl: I was gonna go hang out in the woods but i really hate camping a lot [7/28/2017 2:33:57 AM] aj: but I think that's more intrinsic to female group behavior than lesbians.  I actually wonder if it'd be less than het groups of women, due to some signaling coming from lesbians that go for more butch attitudes/mannerisms. [7/28/2017 2:34:19 AM] aj: I'm speaking out of my depth of experience, so don't take anything I say as stuff other than speculation. [7/28/2017 2:35:50 AM] girl: It's a topic i have a lot of theories on. I think with het women there is. A tendency to preen weirdly but even so i like the company of girls alone and the absence of someone were all intimidated by [7/28/2017 2:36:30 AM] girl: I don't talk about it much though [7/28/2017 2:36:48 AM] aj: Yeah, I've noticed the het women preening or a hierarchy that forms.  But considering I'm a man, the only time I can observe it is when some or all of that group is around men.  Privately, it might be wholly different.  All male groups act entirely different when not around females. [7/28/2017 2:37:09 AM] aj: I just have no idea how lesbians organize, esp. in the absence of men. [7/28/2017 2:37:44 AM] girl: Yeah. Girls are much more quiet and conscious of their speech patterns and posture around men and i find it a little [7/28/2017 2:37:47 AM] girl: Heartbreaking [7/28/2017 2:39:00 AM] girl: I do it too lol but men treat girls better and more like people they want to be close to and people they can tryst if they also think they have a chance with thwm romantically. In my... experience [7/28/2017 2:39:10 AM] aj: Men are much more competitive and prone to throwing each other under the bus if female attention is available.  Without females around, men usually take a little time to establish a hierarchy, and then everyone cooperates really, really well. [7/28/2017 2:40:11 AM] aj: Yeah, you're right in that.  But without that pressure for female attention, men are more able to be open with each other.  Even emotionally.  It's really sad because I've seen guys do each other wrong over stupid, stupid shit that had to do with the opposite sex. [7/28/2017 2:40:54 AM] girl: Like even with girls ive been attracted or girls who have been attracted to me or both to ive been able to be really close to without feeling my relationship is going to disappear if nothing happens in that department [7/28/2017 2:41:26 AM] girl: And with men I consistently hit a wall there i think [7/28/2017 2:42:21 AM] girl: Like i can only get so close to a Man [7/28/2017 2:42:51 AM] girl: Unless I also want to be his girlfriend or his mommy lol [7/28/2017 2:43:32 AM] girl: Which really doesn't help my self esteem but thats why i hang out with lesbians who love me despite my glaring faults like being a little bihet (´・ω・｀) [7/28/2017 2:43:44 AM] aj: That's understandable. [7/28/2017 2:44:29 AM] aj: Men work differently, I think.  Everything I'm about to say could be torn to pieces by someone who studies that field for a living.  But... [7/28/2017 2:46:36 AM] aj: Even if we were somehow a fully equal society.  I think that the men who reproduced, for a long period of time, were the ones that had stronger provider instincts.  I think that correlating with this provider instinct is also an inability to differentiate emotional closeness from romantic notions. [7/28/2017 2:47:32 AM] aj: We could say it's socialization and culture and we just need to raise men differently, but I feel like there are compelling biological reasons that have some hand in this, at a vague level? [7/28/2017 2:48:11 AM] aj: and the only thing I can think of that would make it biological is long-term selection for certain traits. [7/28/2017 2:49:02 AM] girl: I'm not really bothered by the idea that things are biologically different but I think men are brought up sickly [7/28/2017 2:49:55 AM] girl: It doesn't matter much [7/28/2017 2:50:35 AM] aj: In three generations, every last expectation that men were supposed to meet has been upended.  We're in this weird mix and it's difficult to adapt.  Like trying to wear baby shoes as an adolescent. [7/28/2017 2:50:45 AM] aj: I agree there are problems with how men are brought up. [7/28/2017 2:51:06 AM] aj: I just really don't have a solution. [7/28/2017 2:51:42 AM] aj: It's possible that cultural changes will only accelerate more and more, requiring people to constantly socialize.  Like some sort of Red Queen Alice in Wonderland shit.  I dunno. [7/28/2017 2:52:08 AM] aj: Or that we get a new norm as things stratify again.  Or the modern world shits itself and we unlearn everything. [7/28/2017 2:52:19 AM] aj: But, yeah.  Men are brought up wrong. [7/28/2017 2:52:42 AM] girl: You know, whatever gets less horrible men in my life is a okay with me [7/28/2017 2:52:49 AM] aj: Heh. [7/28/2017 2:53:06 AM] aj: I could stop talking with you.  That'd be one less horrible man in your life.  =P [7/28/2017 2:53:33 AM] girl: Too late for that one, I think [7/28/2017 2:54:49 AM] girl: I'm just tired of it, idk. [7/28/2017 2:55:00 AM] aj:  /patpat [7/28/2017 2:56:10 AM] girl: Getting drunk feels awful and im glad im not drunk [7/28/2017 2:56:26 AM] aj: I'm moving soon. [7/28/2017 2:56:33 AM] girl: Me too [7/28/2017 2:56:34 AM] aj: Probably the week after next.  Maybe sooner. [7/28/2017 2:56:49 AM] girl: Did you find somewhere? [7/28/2017 2:56:56 AM] aj: So, I won't be around so much for conversations like this.  I'll have to start getting ready for the next semester.  Yeah. [7/28/2017 2:57:18 AM] girl: That's kind of sad but I'll survive. [7/28/2017 2:57:29 AM] aj: The person I was going to move out with decided he suddenly didn't want to transfer [7/28/2017 2:57:33 AM] aj: so I'm going all by myself. [7/28/2017 2:57:47 AM] aj: and basically know nobody, where I'm headed. [7/28/2017 2:58:36 AM] aj: I'll be fine, but the thought of it all is making me think a lot about what I've been up to.  I legitimately pulled a friend out of a spiral of depression, and I think he has the tools now to live an okay life.  I feel really good about it. [7/28/2017 2:59:18 AM] aj: I'm cool with my family, and feel bad about leaving. [7/28/2017 2:59:29 AM] aj: but I have a really good opportunity. [7/28/2017 2:59:30 AM] girl: Haha [7/28/2017 2:59:35 AM] girl: That makes one of us [7/28/2017 2:59:41 AM] aj: Yeah. [7/28/2017 3:00:04 AM] aj: I'm scared, in a sense. [7/28/2017 3:00:25 AM] aj: Because, looking at it all as I'm about to go, I'm pretty happy. [7/28/2017 3:01:11 AM] girl: I hope it's fine. California is so pretty and arizona sucks ass no offense. It's very very pretty and honey vanilla lattes at urth are all i live for and I really want one rn but i cant because im not in california [7/28/2017 3:01:20 AM] aj: But I think that I'm someone who'll never be happy while I'm doing stuff like this.  Like, I'm happy I got to this point.  But I never had that moment where I went "I'm happy" while it was happening. [7/28/2017 3:01:36 AM] aj: and I'm fine with being that sort of person. [7/28/2017 3:01:43 AM] girl: Doing stuff like whT [7/28/2017 3:01:52 AM] aj: Either I'm so caught up in things I don't have time to think about it. [7/28/2017 3:02:11 AM] aj: Academics.  Spending time with friends.  Hobbies.  Lots of reading and contemplating. [7/28/2017 3:02:16 AM] aj: Some work. [7/28/2017 3:02:37 AM] aj: I get caught up in doing things and don't realize I'm happy until radical shifts in my habits or schedule comes in. [7/28/2017 3:02:58 AM] aj: Which makes it hard to change because then I have things that I realize make me happy, versus new things. [7/28/2017 3:03:00 AM] girl: What does make you happy? [7/28/2017 3:03:19 AM] aj: Looking back and knowing that I made the lives of people around me better.. [7/28/2017 3:03:34 AM] aj: My sister and mom are happier people, now. [7/28/2017 3:03:39 AM] aj: and I played a good role in that. [7/28/2017 3:03:43 AM] aj: Same with my friends. [7/28/2017 3:04:26 AM] girl: That's a really big and complicated thing to feel happy about. A good thing to feel happy about but [7/28/2017 3:04:57 AM] aj: When I get busy doing things, I don't really feel where the time goes, so I don't experience it as a happy thing. [7/28/2017 3:05:06 AM] aj: At best, I'll feel spent and feel okay about my efforts. [7/28/2017 3:05:22 AM] aj: but that's not like, happy. [7/28/2017 3:05:45 AM] girl: I think I've turned into a very simple girl in some aspects. Have you tried looking into the eyes of your cat lately? It's sad to me that you can only feel like you're satisfied looking behind you [7/28/2017 3:06:48 AM] girl: But i think when i stopped being so horrifically traumatized i turned back into some kind of woman child [7/28/2017 3:07:00 AM] aj: I didn't, but I picked him up and held him like he liked when he was a kitten.  He's orange and white and got fur all over my black shirt, but  he enjoyed it.  I rubbed his belly. [7/28/2017 3:07:02 AM] aj: It was good. [7/28/2017 3:07:18 AM] girl: I didnt know you really had a cat [7/28/2017 3:07:23 AM] girl: I feel like crying [7/28/2017 3:07:29 AM] girl: Thats such a relief..... [7/28/2017 3:07:29 AM] aj: He's a sweetie. [7/28/2017 3:07:36 AM] aj: Same with our puppy. [7/28/2017 3:07:41 AM] girl: They're so important [7/28/2017 3:07:46 AM] girl: AAAAAHHHHH [7/28/2017 3:07:54 AM] girl: pics pics pics pics pics pics pics [7/28/2017 3:07:55 AM] aj: We got him when he was 8 weeks.  He had parvo.  German Shepherd. [7/28/2017 3:08:10 AM] girl: I'm wheezing [7/28/2017 3:08:18 AM] aj: So, my mother, sister, and I spent a whole week and a half.  One of us up with him, 24/7. [7/28/2017 3:08:26 AM] aj: He nearly died.  We pulled him through it. [7/28/2017 3:08:46 AM] aj: It would have broken my mother's heart, so I took all of the night shifts, and about a solid week off of classes. [7/28/2017 3:08:56 AM] aj: The only reason I could do that is because my professors all loved me. [7/28/2017 3:09:01 AM] girl: Cats and dogs are so importany.... thats so important... that you love that fucking dog... i could just die. Oh my god   [7/28/2017 3:09:02 AM] aj: But yeah. [7/28/2017 3:09:05 AM] girl: Aj... [7/28/2017 3:09:12 AM] girl: Thtats too fucking sweet [7/28/2017 3:09:25 AM] aj: The first night he got here, I slept outside with him.  He came from a litter of 8 and they all slept outside. [7/28/2017 3:09:33 AM] aj: So the first night, I spent out in the back yard with him so he'd be comfy. [7/28/2017 3:10:06 AM] girl: I could just die [7/28/2017 3:10:08 AM] aj: He's a sweetie now.  Really smart.  Really playful. [7/28/2017 3:10:12 AM] aj: You'd never know he was sick. [7/28/2017 3:10:20 AM] girl: I'm being very vocal about it [7/28/2017 3:10:34 AM] girl: It hurts im fucking asthmatic [7/28/2017 3:10:41 AM] girl: What the fuck [7/28/2017 3:10:57 AM] girl: How could you fucking say any of that [7/28/2017 3:11:17 AM] aj: Our old German Shepherd passed last year, and my mom finally settled on another one, because she needs a good animal companion.  New puppy has the same name as the nickname of our old dog.  We took that as a sign. [7/28/2017 3:11:42 AM] aj: So, when he arrived, and when he got sick, I put everything on hold because it would have broke my mom if he died. [7/28/2017 3:11:51 AM] girl: Aj what the fuck you love her and you love that fucking dog [7/28/2017 3:12:01 AM] girl: Thats too fucking sweet [7/28/2017 3:12:04 AM] aj: Especially since our close friend suicide. [7/28/2017 3:12:16 AM] girl: Youre so fucking nice to her [7/28/2017 3:12:36 AM] girl: I cant even think about it [7/28/2017 3:13:16 AM] girl: I'm so overwhelmed lol im sorry i cant believe yoursweet dog is so healthy and so sweet and probably has perfect paws [7/28/2017 3:13:43 AM] aj: I don't have any pictures on my computer.  I can text you a few if you want. [7/28/2017 3:13:56 AM] aj: I realize you having my number is probably the last thing that should happen. [7/28/2017 3:14:02 AM] aj: But eh. [7/28/2017 3:14:08 AM] girl: 4257706054 [7/28/2017 3:14:22 AM] girl: im. Desperate [7/28/2017 3:16:18 AM] girl: I cant stop like dry sobbing thinking about dogs fuck [7/28/2017 3:16:48 AM] girl: Sushi and wasabi are at aris moms house and they are fucking fat as sin [7/28/2017 3:17:12 AM] girl: Bc were moving and. I dont aant them to escape or go through more stress than usual [7/28/2017 3:17:39 AM] girl: But opwning a can of tuna and not having some FAT FUCK screaming at you desperately for it is heartbreaking [7/28/2017 3:17:52 AM] aj: That's puppy him.  When he was fiiiiiiiiiiirst first here. [7/28/2017 3:18:42 AM] girl: LOL WHAT THE FUCK [7/28/2017 3:19:13 AM] girl: YOUR CATTTT [7/28/2017 3:19:23 AM] aj: They're friends. [7/28/2017 3:20:01 AM] aj: and there's a video of him, much more recently. [7/28/2017 3:20:11 AM] aj: He used to be afraid of the hose, but he now does stuff like that. [7/28/2017 3:20:18 AM] aj: The hose is big fun, now. [7/28/2017 3:21:04 AM] girl: What The Fuck [7/28/2017 3:21:31 AM] girl: Im so fucking overwhelmed what is his name... and the cats... theyre so fucking beautiful [7/28/2017 3:21:47 AM] aj: The dog's name is Moose. [7/28/2017 3:21:55 AM] aj: Our old dog's nickname was Moose. [7/28/2017 3:22:17 AM] aj: The cat's name is Fritz. [7/28/2017 3:22:34 AM] girl: I' need like a fucking xanax it just isnt right theyre both so fucking sweet its just not fucking right [7/28/2017 3:22:59 AM] aj: When Moose gets playful, he still sort of nips like a puppy [7/28/2017 3:23:08 AM] aj: So he's sometimes Battle Moose.  Or Bitey Moose. [7/28/2017 3:23:28 AM] aj: Or Moose Gatorious.  Like Alligator, only sort of if it were Roman. [7/28/2017 3:23:42 AM] girl: I cant handle this [7/28/2017 3:23:50 AM] girl: Hes so fucking sweet [7/28/2017 3:24:13 AM] aj: Yeah.  We all fell in love with him the moment we saw him. [7/28/2017 3:24:23 AM] girl: Bitch me the fuck too!!! [7/28/2017 3:24:31 AM] aj: =P [7/28/2017 3:24:35 AM] aj: and soon I have to leave him [7/28/2017 3:24:43 AM] aj: But I know he'll be a good dog for my mom and sister. [7/28/2017 3:24:51 AM] aj: He's big and he's learning obedience stuff. [7/28/2017 3:24:59 AM] aj: and so the two of them will feel safer with him around. [7/28/2017 3:25:08 AM] girl: he would never forget you or stop loving you [7/28/2017 3:25:28 AM] girl: Your cat is so fuckingb beautiful [7/28/2017 3:25:29 AM] aj: I know.  He's my baby boy.  He'll be happy when I come home to visit. [7/28/2017 3:25:58 AM] aj: Fritz is way cool.  He's super aloof outside, which is good.  If he was cuddly to strangers, it would be bad.  But when he's indoors, he's a big love. [7/28/2017 3:26:54 AM] girl: I carry treats around in my pocket for cats outside lol [7/28/2017 3:27:03 AM] girl: i would charm the pants off your cat [7/28/2017 3:27:26 AM] aj: The only time he was cool with me is when I spent literally 5 minutes slowly approaching him [7/28/2017 3:27:30 AM] aj: and he was on a brick wall [7/28/2017 3:27:40 AM] aj: giving me his aloof "I am in a higher spot than you, human" look [7/28/2017 3:27:48 AM] girl: LOL [7/28/2017 3:27:56 AM] aj: but he fell prey to headscritches. [7/28/2017 3:28:03 AM] aj: and got all purry [7/28/2017 3:28:04 AM] girl: As they tend to do [7/28/2017 3:28:07 AM] aj: before leaving in a huff. [7/28/2017 3:28:21 AM] aj: Of course, the wall was like, nearly 7 feet high. [7/28/2017 3:28:31 AM] aj: So my cat would have been safe from you, unless you had a ladder. [7/28/2017 3:28:38 AM] girl: i used to get in trouble a lot or at least get weird looks bc i sit in peoples driveways and pet their cats [7/28/2017 3:28:41 AM] girl: Shut the fuck up [7/28/2017 3:30:16 AM] girl: I think the college kids find it more endearing than my old neighbors did lol but i keep track of where ive seen cats and sit on the ground and wait for them.... [7/28/2017 3:30:24 AM] girl: I love your dog and cat so much [7/28/2017 3:30:35 AM] aj: They're sweeties. [7/28/2017 3:30:50 AM] girl: I would die for them [7/28/2017 3:31:15 AM] aj: Dog gets spoiled so much.  After he started being able to take food again, my mom would make him chicken and rice. [7/28/2017 3:31:27 AM] aj: So, he still gets some boiled chicken and white rice, even months later. [7/28/2017 3:31:30 AM] girl: Hello [7/28/2017 3:31:34 AM] girl: He should be [7/28/2017 3:31:40 AM] aj: Every time he hits a healthy weight, he then has a growth spurt. [7/28/2017 3:31:47 AM] aj: So he's not even 6 months old, and will be like [7/28/2017 3:31:49 AM] aj: 70 pounds. [7/28/2017 3:31:52 AM] girl: Good [7/28/2017 3:31:55 AM] aj: Yeah. [7/28/2017 3:32:07 AM] aj: We just joke that he'll keep it up at this rate and be a truly giant dog. [7/28/2017 3:32:48 AM] girl: I had a big elderly dog named max (terrible dog name, not my choice not my decision) who put his big fat head in my lap and had floppy little ears and was so big people crossed the street to avoid me and him [7/28/2017 3:33:08 AM] aj: d'awww [7/28/2017 3:33:59 AM] girl: Theyre very shockingly fat [7/28/2017 3:34:28 AM] aj: They are precious fur-babies. [7/28/2017 3:34:41 AM] girl: I don't know why. They have alwats been this way, and wasabi likes to be picked up and put on his back like a human infant [7/28/2017 3:34:47 AM] girl: Theyre fat [7/28/2017 3:35:04 AM] girl: Speaking of max, other max, kittys girlfriend, sent this, to me, in the mail? [7/28/2017 3:35:19 AM] aj: I am getting your cats if all of your next of kin perish in some freak tandem bicycle accident. [7/28/2017 3:36:15 AM] girl: Only if you promise to first love them and die for them if they ask like i would, and only if you promise to call them bastards in a shocked and offended voice at least once a dat [7/28/2017 3:36:17 AM] girl: Day [7/28/2017 3:36:18 AM] aj: Hahahahaha [7/28/2017 3:36:47 AM] girl: Max and kitty made this enormous pdf about how to take care of and nurture their precious baby bunny god forbid they are ever unable to care for her [7/28/2017 3:37:49 AM] girl: Its soooo good [7/28/2017 3:38:04 AM] aj: d'awww [7/28/2017 3:38:08 AM] girl: Bunny is a cat BTW not a bunny i would fucking die for her shes so fucking fat ughhhh [7/28/2017 3:38:36 AM] girl: Lol can you tell im unmedicated for One Or More Things. I can [7/28/2017 3:38:55 AM] girl: Shut up girl LOL jk id never fucking shut up abojt cats [7/28/2017 3:39:25 AM] girl: Aj its sooo fucked up its so beautiful i read it to aris mom and she died for it [7/28/2017 3:39:33 AM] girl: I think we would all die for bunny [7/28/2017 3:39:49 AM] girl: bunnifer evangeline [7/28/2017 3:40:24 AM] girl: And her slightly uglier and less loving but still good and worthy of human sacrifice brother, roswell, [7/28/2017 3:40:50 AM] aj: Roswell is the hero we need, but don't deserve. [7/28/2017 3:40:58 AM] aj: I need not know anything about this creature. [7/28/2017 3:41:18 AM] aj: He was purposed on high to serve a role that no mortal may know or understand. [7/28/2017 3:41:28 AM] aj: But we're all better for his presence in this world. [7/28/2017 3:41:34 AM] aj: (I like the name.) [7/28/2017 3:41:56 AM] girl: They also have two retarded cats from this hoarder house wthat i think just has a population of purebreds who fucked each other until all the babies were stupid that both just wandered into their house [7/28/2017 3:42:08 AM] girl: And they are fucking beautiful and stupid as shit [7/28/2017 3:42:53 AM] aj: lmao [7/28/2017 3:43:02 AM] girl: Dandy is like my cats long lost beautiful and stupud brother and I very obviously covet him and am jealous that he isnt mine [7/28/2017 3:43:32 AM] girl: And pebble is beautiful and has partial albinism and is sooo fucking stupid and cries very softly in protest when you pick him up [7/28/2017 3:43:52 AM] girl: Im lile hyperventilating thinking about the last time i held him in my arms [7/28/2017 3:45:27 AM] girl: HES SO FUCKING STUPID it drives me CRAZY i love him so fucking much im sorry honestly rhis is me unfiltered and my wntire personality is that i fucking love cats and dogs and most other mammals and i cant fucking help it and it makes me die and i cant believe how fucking stupud pebble is and i feel like i could just die for any cat or dog [7/28/2017 3:45:54 AM] aj: It's fine.  I just need to shower and sleep, shortly. [7/28/2017 3:45:58 AM] girl: I left the room because ari was becoming worried and said honey theres just dogs in thw world [7/28/2017 3:46:09 AM] girl: Who showers at 4 am [7/28/2017 3:46:46 AM] aj: Someone who finished swimming before talking with you. [7/28/2017 3:47:01 AM] girl: Who swims at 2 am... [7/28/2017 3:47:07 AM] aj: Arizonans. [7/28/2017 3:47:11 AM] girl: sicko [7/28/2017 3:47:14 AM] aj: The pool is like [7/28/2017 3:47:16 AM] aj: 90 degrees. [7/28/2017 3:47:19 AM] aj: Perfect. [7/28/2017 3:47:19 AM] girl: I hate arizona [7/28/2017 3:48:25 AM] girl: Next time ur in a pool blast lana del reys new album and think of me dramatically and think of us (me and lana) looking deeply into each others eyes itll probably make your experience better [7/28/2017 3:48:55 AM] girl: Ari said he didnt like her hair and I honestly told him to fuck off and stop talking [7/28/2017 3:49:02 AM] aj: Aside from talking to you, I'm reading the RAND Corporation 2016 study on transgender people and military integration.  All the news articles mention it, but only one fucking linked to it and I am happy they did.  Reading the actual study is interesting because the researchers hedge a shit ton because sample sizes are so small. [7/28/2017 3:49:08 AM] aj: But it's interesting how thorough it is. [7/28/2017 3:49:27 AM] girl: I do not think about transgender issues ANY more [7/28/2017 3:50:03 AM] girl: but im glad you found something interesting to read [7/28/2017 3:50:18 AM] aj: I think probably the military would be just best as a guy only thing.  It is a shit job anyways.  But I know how terrible that sounds.  Anyways.  We don't live in a world where my opinion matters much. [7/28/2017 3:50:58 AM] aj: So I at least try and read the research people on each side offer for this. [7/28/2017 3:51:16 AM] girl: I think it is not healthy for your brain to be in the military and i would be overjoyed to never ever be drafted ever [7/28/2017 3:51:33 AM] girl: Amen [7/28/2017 3:51:34 AM] aj: I'd agree with that. [7/28/2017 3:52:07 AM] girl: I have never met any military men who ive been like wow that seems like someone who is safe and fun to be around and doesnt get mad when he drinks [7/28/2017 3:52:22 AM] aj: I don't get mad when I drink. [7/28/2017 3:52:29 AM] aj: But I'm houseplant levels of exciting. [7/28/2017 3:52:37 AM] aj: So, probably not fun to be around. [7/28/2017 3:52:45 AM] aj: and safe?  Nah. [7/28/2017 3:53:02 AM] aj: (Protip: I don't drink.) [7/28/2017 3:53:25 AM] aj: I sometimes brake before I put on the turn signal, so.  1005 unsafe. [7/28/2017 3:53:29 AM] aj: 100%* [7/28/2017 3:53:30 AM] girl: You dont seem like youd kill anybody but you do seem like youd have an uncomfortable emotional outburst [7/28/2017 3:53:40 AM] girl: In a kitchen [7/28/2017 3:53:44 AM] aj: Last time I drank, it was like, two beers? [7/28/2017 3:53:47 AM] aj: and it was fine. [7/28/2017 3:53:56 AM] aj: I just hate the feeling of being drunk. [7/28/2017 3:53:58 AM] aj: So. [7/28/2017 3:54:03 AM] girl: I cant drink much because im freakishly lightweight [7/28/2017 3:54:17 AM] girl: I... get drunk if i drink a bottle of kombucha.... [7/28/2017 3:54:31 AM] aj: Also, emotional outbursts are hella embarrassing.  I'd leave if I felt like I was getting there. [7/28/2017 3:54:49 AM] aj: Because my other option is to die from shame later. [7/28/2017 3:54:50 AM] girl: Yeah but i feel like you could, [7/28/2017 3:54:53 AM] aj: and I don't want to die. [7/28/2017 3:55:45 AM] aj: I'm emotionally open with you in ways I'm not with other people.  But also, I'm emotional towards you in ways I'm not with other people.  Everyone else in my life isn't fitted with our sordid history. [7/28/2017 3:56:29 AM] aj: I just don't like feeling drunk because the fogginess of mind bothers me. [7/28/2017 3:56:36 AM] girl: I like wheed better than alcohol but only if its like body high stuff. I used to just get rly rly rly high and i dony like it and i have sensitive little lungs. But I Do Love Adderall lol xo [7/28/2017 3:56:51 AM] aj: Hahahahah [7/28/2017 3:56:54 AM] girl: Me too but i feel that way most. Times whoch is why i love adderall loool [7/28/2017 3:57:01 AM] aj: Makes sense. [7/28/2017 3:57:24 AM] aj: So yeah.  But, I had to do a lot of self-care.  Maybe a while back I'd have been prone to a lot more bullshit. [7/28/2017 3:57:26 AM] aj: Anyways. [7/28/2017 3:57:38 AM] girl: I'm more responsible than i sound i promise lol I'm having a very understimulating week [7/28/2017 3:57:53 AM] aj: I understand. [7/28/2017 3:58:00 AM] girl: Thats sad makes me want to pet your face [7/28/2017 3:58:16 AM] aj: I'm just glad we're talking like normal human beings, mostly. [7/28/2017 3:58:28 AM] aj: and I appreciate it. [7/28/2017 3:58:32 AM] girl: Ugh sorry i sound so Fucking stupid rn because i have retard brain [7/28/2017 3:58:35 AM] girl: Me too [7/28/2017 3:58:40 AM] girl: But im SICK for it [7/28/2017 3:58:49 AM] aj: Meaning? [7/28/2017 3:58:52 AM] girl: And i think ill rly miss you when youre not around [7/28/2017 3:59:05 AM] aj: Aaah [7/28/2017 3:59:10 AM] girl: What are you asking [7/28/2017 3:59:21 AM] girl: About my retard brain or me being sick for it [7/28/2017 3:59:27 AM] aj: No, I understand now.  Sick for it. [7/28/2017 3:59:32 AM] girl: Oh, yeah [7/28/2017 4:00:26 AM] girl: This is extremelt stimulating even if its scab picking and youre fun and i don't feel like i could ever stop feeling something strange and overwhelming for you and your dog and your cat [7/28/2017 4:00:31 AM] girl: God fuck [7/28/2017 4:00:35 AM] girl: I love them [7/28/2017 4:01:53 AM] girl: I feel like a huge loser for it but honestly im a huge fucking loser in general and i manage to get by and sometimes its better to be like guess ill want to kiss someone forever instead of like seething over it in bed for 4 hours while listening to the mountain goats [7/28/2017 4:01:57 AM] girl: Probably? [7/28/2017 4:02:17 AM] girl: Sick for it [7/28/2017 4:02:25 AM] aj: I guess?  It's a pretty complicated and personal thing. [7/28/2017 4:02:43 AM] girl: I'm fine with it, is what I'm saying [7/28/2017 4:03:04 AM] aj: Makes sense. [7/28/2017 4:03:32 AM] girl: I love hte fucking mountain goats [7/28/2017 4:05:57 AM] girl: And honestly idk like what does it matter. I don't know? It feels nicer to talk to you than to um idk I honestly cycle through boring men and get them to like me and then i am like ok thats um fine i guess [7/28/2017 4:06:10 AM] girl: And i do it less when im preoccupied [7/28/2017 4:06:36 AM] girl: I'm like really embarrassing myself LOL damn girl chill out [7/28/2017 4:06:53 AM] aj: You already told me you do that stuff. [7/28/2017 4:06:59 AM] aj: So it's not like I didn't already know. [7/28/2017 4:07:12 AM] girl: Eben more embarrassing to say it twice then [7/28/2017 4:09:02 AM] aj: I don't mind speaking my mind around you, more than a lot of people.  If I do it too much, I get people who hang on to every word and it's just... [7/28/2017 4:09:36 AM] aj: When you and I talked, and you said I probably shouldn't be in relationships, I agreed because I'll just be minding my own business and yeah. [7/28/2017 4:11:45 AM] girl: Yeah [7/28/2017 4:11:48 AM] girl: Um [7/28/2017 4:12:38 AM] girl: I don't do that anymore because I find myself less in need of guidance I guess and also not to be offensive or inflammatory but i take the thinhs men say to me much less seriously now [7/28/2017 4:12:45 AM] girl: Its uhhhh healthy [7/28/2017 4:12:52 AM] aj: Whatever works for you. [7/28/2017 4:13:22 AM] aj: You taking me seriously or not is your business, more than mine. [7/28/2017 4:13:36 AM] girl: I don't mean it like that [7/28/2017 4:13:54 AM] aj: It impacts you less? [7/28/2017 4:14:00 AM] girl: Ugh sorry im not thinking too good before i hit the send button lol [7/28/2017 4:14:09 AM] girl: I [7/28/2017 4:14:12 AM] aj: It's fine. [7/28/2017 4:15:45 AM] girl: I think I have a little more faith in myself because of some women, and also I think I know a little bit more about what I want [7/28/2017 4:16:54 AM] girl: Im still not a very independent girl [7/28/2017 4:17:08 AM] girl: And idk if im very happy being on my own anyway but [7/28/2017 4:17:21 AM] girl: Uck [7/28/2017 4:17:25 AM] aj: You're a caring and empathic person. [7/28/2017 4:17:41 AM] aj: It sounds like it's more difficult to hit that right balance of independence and interaction with others. [7/28/2017 4:17:54 AM] girl: I'm The Princess [7/28/2017 4:18:19 AM] aj: I'm happy you have women in your life who can help you place faith in yourself.  That you have a better idea on what you want. [7/28/2017 4:18:51 AM] girl: And i have a personality that makes people want to dote on me, i think, so it's not so bad. I sincerely don't think id ever have to be by myself if i didnt want to be [7/28/2017 4:19:04 AM] girl: Works out for now [7/28/2017 4:19:09 AM] aj: Yeah. [7/28/2017 4:20:07 AM] girl: I dont feel like i said what i wanted to, but i hope it ar least gave you some idea of what I wanted to say... I'm really uhhh likw bad at being very articulate when im not eating amphetamines [7/28/2017 4:20:26 AM] aj: I think I have an idea of what you meant to convey. [7/28/2017 4:20:54 AM] girl: I'm really happy that you arent miserable [7/28/2017 4:21:08 AM] girl: Even if it shouldnt matter to me [7/28/2017 4:22:18 AM] girl: I hope your dog and cat and eatinf really good food makes you happy sometimes. I only know about that kind of stuff because it makes me really happy to see a dog or cat or eat good food,... [7/28/2017 4:22:45 AM] aj: I smile when I see my mom play with the dog. [7/28/2017 4:23:28 AM] aj: He was so sick.  He smelled like miserable puppy, and this sickly sweet smell that I now recognize as parvo.  And dried vanilla Ensure, because the vets said to feed him that to keep his insides coated with something, and for nutrients. [7/28/2017 4:23:47 AM] aj: and he just didn't want to be bothered, and he got so thin. [7/28/2017 4:23:58 AM] aj: but he's okay and happy and my mom is happy with him. [7/28/2017 4:24:25 AM] aj: and my mom deserves to be happy because my dad was a shit and her best friend killed herself and our old dog had to be put down. [7/28/2017 4:24:51 AM] aj: and because she's a genuinely kind person and I always feel like a shit because no matter how smart or insightful I'll get, I'll never be kind like that. [7/28/2017 4:25:05 AM] aj: and I get older and realize that it's being kind that actually matters. [7/28/2017 4:25:15 AM] aj: but it's nowhere really in me, so I have to try really hard. [7/28/2017 4:25:43 AM] girl: Makes me want to brush your hair and send your mom flowers. I'm always really impressed by how nice and good some moms can be [7/28/2017 4:26:08 AM] girl: My mom was a psycho but i love her lol not her fault [7/28/2017 4:27:28 AM] girl: I'm glad you treat your mom good. The worst kind of man imho like the most intolerable kind of boy is one who treats his nice mom like garbage [7/28/2017 4:28:04 AM] girl: The world would be better off if people like that disappeared and were never thought of again imho. [7/28/2017 4:28:28 AM] aj: I'm taking a lot of risks, educationally speaking, so that I'll have some good options in time to take care of her.  That's most of what has me nervous.  I know I can manage something that'll keep me okay, but yeah. [7/28/2017 4:28:44 AM] girl: Thats kind of you [7/28/2017 4:28:55 AM] aj: My sister is a good person, and she'll hold things down for a while. [7/28/2017 4:29:02 AM] aj: between that and our savings. [7/28/2017 4:29:02 AM] girl: I wanted to do that i think but i was um much more dramatic about it lol [7/28/2017 4:29:20 AM] aj: but my sister doesn't have the income potential I do, frankly speaking. [7/28/2017 4:30:00 AM] girl: I was just gonna fuck old bitches for money and die i think but now theres no one to die for except jake who would honestly be much sadder if his sister died even if he had many dollars for it [7/28/2017 4:30:42 AM] girl: lol txt it me too binch I cant wait to be a horrible employee that my boss hates and wants dead LOL i have no work ethic [7/28/2017 4:31:09 AM] girl: Im glad your mom has someone to hang with [7/28/2017 4:31:18 AM] girl: Lonely old people makes me die inside [7/28/2017 4:31:24 AM] aj: Sister and the dog. [7/28/2017 4:31:26 AM] aj: Yeah. [7/28/2017 4:31:35 AM] aj: and the cat. [7/28/2017 4:31:48 AM] girl: Ssucy a beautiful photogenic cat [7/28/2017 4:32:53 AM] aj: For me.  I'd like to love someone again, but I don't really feel like it's in me right now.  Mostly, I would be happy with someone who'd hug me and be happy to see me.  Maybe on days when I'm really tired, let me rest my head on them.  I feel like I don't really deserve any of it, though. [7/28/2017 4:33:12 AM] aj: and I have a lot of work to do, and that would distract me.  It'd be nice, but I have to do good right now. [7/28/2017 4:35:56 AM] girl: I'd be jealous i think, not that it matters much. More practically friend love is really just as important and i love to be on the phone with kitty and tell her about my day and its not exactly the same as hugging someone in bed but honestly you can ask your friends for hugs idk. I'm a very affectionate girl and its intimate and fulfilling and important in my heart to park the car and talk in the driveway too [7/28/2017 4:36:22 AM] aj: I hug my friends and tell myself that's good enough.  So yeah. [7/28/2017 4:36:33 AM] aj: Most times it's like 80% good enough, too. [7/28/2017 4:36:34 AM] aj: So. [7/28/2017 4:37:03 AM] girl: New places can be lonely but i like to talk to the old people at the library. Im the info desk girl sometimes so i talk to them a lot and i hugged ronna the security guard becayse i felt like it and i think its fine. [7/28/2017 4:38:12 AM] girl: I think like even if i could get over being jealous I would tell anyone else in your position the same thing [7/28/2017 4:39:22 AM] girl: i dont mean to be dramatic or annoying [7/28/2017 4:39:46 AM] aj: It's fine. [7/28/2017 4:41:27 AM] girl: but it hurt and hurts, like, it hurt. i like the idea of you being happy i think but it's like shocking to me how much it hurts, and even when you are/were someone i could love so easy, you're also the person that, did that, to me. And it's shaped a lot of the things in my life very strangely. [7/28/2017 4:42:48 AM] girl: You can do whatever you want, but id be very offended i think. It embarrasses me to be so sensitive about it when im not feeling like a crazy girl [7/28/2017 4:43:29 AM] aj: Let me put it this way. [7/28/2017 4:44:07 AM] aj: The more knowledge I acquired, the more I understood that shaping and influence process.  Abstractly.  I know a lot more than when I met you.  Lots.  Lots.  Lots more. [7/28/2017 4:44:16 AM] aj: The more I understood it, the more I started to close myself off. [7/28/2017 4:44:31 AM] aj: Not really in bad ways, but I'm just really cautious. [7/28/2017 4:45:02 AM] aj: If I hadn't hurt you like that, I might be more open to people?  I might've been in a relationship by now. [7/28/2017 4:45:12 AM] aj: and I'm not saying this in a resentful way. [7/28/2017 4:46:23 AM] aj: It's really easy to reach out.  I can see the cracks most people have in their armor, and who wears their heart on their sleeve.  I just... don't really want to strongly influence anyone.  I don't want that on me. [7/28/2017 4:46:41 AM] aj: I know I can do as I want. [7/28/2017 4:47:06 AM] aj: I just have felt like the most mature thing I can do right now is what I do. [7/28/2017 4:47:49 AM] girl: I appreciate it even though i know its not for me [7/28/2017 4:48:17 AM] girl: I think I'm really scared of feeling stupid or betrayed if something did happen [7/28/2017 4:48:20 AM] aj: I think about you.  Not every time.  But I remember you.  I remember when you say things about how it hurt. [7/28/2017 4:50:56 AM] girl: I'd hate myself because I know better than to scab pick and when my friends get hurt badly I want the person who hurt them honestly to die. I know I'm being selfish when I talk to you but I'm also being a little foolish and I'd be so damn mad and just hate myself if I was as wrong as other people think I probably am to like you and care about you as much as i do [7/28/2017 4:52:46 AM] girl: right now I think i believe in you and your good intentions and if you proved me wrong I would know it was my own damn fault [7/28/2017 4:53:19 AM] aj: Time will tell. [7/28/2017 4:53:47 AM] aj: I've felt good about talking with you normally.  I still worry that it's not really good in the long term. [7/28/2017 4:54:13 AM] aj: But something feels different in talking with you, this time. [7/28/2017 4:54:20 AM] aj: and it's not a bad different. [7/28/2017 4:54:31 AM] girl: What do you mean? [7/28/2017 4:54:52 AM] aj: Every other time I've reopened dialogue and talked with you, I felt uneasy. [7/28/2017 4:55:02 AM] aj: I don't feel uneasy with talking with you. [7/28/2017 4:55:14 AM] aj: I felt like things before were always volatile. [7/28/2017 4:55:25 AM] aj: Like something would explode. [7/28/2017 4:55:33 AM] aj: It's hard to put it into words. [7/28/2017 4:55:51 AM] girl: I'm sorry I can be. That way [7/28/2017 4:56:22 AM] girl: I do not particularly feel prideful about how really mean i can be when i want to be [7/28/2017 4:56:26 AM] aj: It could have just been me not dealing with guilt maturely, too. [7/28/2017 4:56:33 AM] aj: I'm not blaming you. [7/28/2017 4:56:38 AM] girl: I know [7/28/2017 4:56:43 AM] girl: But [7/28/2017 4:56:45 AM] girl: Idk [7/28/2017 4:57:25 AM] girl: Theres only like two people ever who have like seen how fucking scathing i can be and it kind of shocks me that i can be like that and [7/28/2017 4:57:46 AM] girl: Its not nice to scapegoat even if someone did do something fucked up [7/28/2017 4:59:38 AM] girl: Idk if I'm sorry about confronting you but I'm sorry i took weird meds and told you really mean shit and was desperate and crazy and not handling it well as i am apt to fuckening do [7/28/2017 5:01:05 AM] girl: And like idk you probably deservwd it a lot less than the guy who wanted to piss on my face and  asked me to call him if i went through with killing myself [7/28/2017 5:01:19 AM] aj: Heh. [7/28/2017 5:01:31 AM] aj: I tried to be vulnerable for you when you were that way. [7/28/2017 5:01:36 AM] aj: Not that I liked it, not one bit. [7/28/2017 5:01:55 AM] aj: But while I was reading, I realized that I wasn't really vulnerable to anyone. [7/28/2017 5:02:17 AM] aj: I can brush off a lot, if I want.  I don't really know if it matters or not in the end. [7/28/2017 5:02:37 AM] aj: But whenever you told me something or lashed out, I tried to absorb it and not just hole up and let it pass over me. [7/28/2017 5:03:18 AM] aj: I feel like you deserve that from me, so I try and give it to you. [7/28/2017 5:03:33 AM] aj: It makes me worry that doing so crosses all sorts of bad boundaries. [7/28/2017 5:03:38 AM] aj: But I already talk to you anyways. [7/28/2017 5:03:46 AM] aj: So you at least deserve that. [7/28/2017 5:04:16 AM] girl: I'm a bit of a fucking boundary crosser my own damn self [7/28/2017 5:05:17 AM] girl: I am not good at not indulging myself in what i want and feel often very entitled to what I want and I appreciate that you do it for me some [7/28/2017 5:06:11 AM] girl: there are some people who honestly do not and some of them have done things with a lot more malice [7/28/2017 5:06:43 AM] girl: Those people honestly deserve to die because i have truly been through enough but thats beside the point [7/28/2017 5:07:19 AM] girl: It made me sad that you said I'm like a scary frightened dog and that you only ever saw me angry or sad [7/28/2017 5:08:06 AM] girl: and mostly im just fine and very annoyed with people who inconvenience me in ways i find intolerable and am a crybaby but. Mostly just fine [7/28/2017 5:08:32 AM] girl: And i wanted to . Show you that im just fine and not so horrifically sick [7/28/2017 5:08:42 AM] aj: My dad was... really malicious.  When he wasn't malicious, he was uncaring.  I learned to not flinch around him.  To not be vulnerable.  I learned nobody could touch me, because I was good at it.  Nobody could read me or hurt me because even if they touched something I cared about, I wouldn't flinch and they'd move on.  The thing I read about being vulnerable took me a long time to contemplate and try. [7/28/2017 5:09:08 AM] aj: For most people it worked fine.  For you, it hurt a lot, and I always felt confused on how to tell you.  I also feel like I deserve it. [7/28/2017 5:09:32 AM] aj: but it's been important to me to be vulnerable to you, and to try and endure when things go bad. [7/28/2017 5:09:38 AM] aj: I'm not perfect at it. [7/28/2017 5:11:51 AM] girl: I think thats a good apology. I wouldn't have ever really expected it, and. I'm glad you're trying to be um. Emotionally healthy. Vulnerability is important even when it feels stupid. And i think people who learn how to feel that way are less likely to hurt anybody [7/28/2017 5:12:38 AM] girl: I really hate bad dads [7/28/2017 5:13:10 AM] girl: I love my own bad dad even though maybe i wouldnt if he wasn't my own bad dad but i fucking hate bad dads [7/28/2017 5:14:55 AM] girl: No one should be bad to anybody lile that [7/28/2017 5:15:36 AM] girl: It's sickness and it's unforgivable sin. I'm a libra so i know who deserves to die for sinning and most bad dads do [7/28/2017 5:15:41 AM] aj: I love my dad.  I'm still learning to find the good parts and lessons.  That's all I can do. [7/28/2017 5:17:05 AM] girl: I think it's important to do too, it makes me less sad at least, to love my bad dad [7/28/2017 5:17:46 AM] girl: But there are some truly unforgivable things in there i think [7/28/2017 5:19:06 AM] girl: lol oops that ones too tender time to lock it up and think about breakfast instead [7/28/2017 5:19:47 AM] aj: Heh.  I should get to that shower anyhow.  It's now 5:20. [7/28/2017 5:20:21 AM] girl: Brush your hair.. before you do... [7/28/2017 5:20:35 AM] aj: Hah.  Alright. [7/28/2017 5:20:38 AM] girl: it keeps your drain from clogging... life hack [7/28/2017 5:20:47 AM] aj: True. [7/28/2017 5:21:07 AM] aj: Alright.  Sleep well when you do.  Sorry your family is still being crazy and unreasonable. [7/28/2017 5:21:16 AM] girl: i keep my hair in a bun for two days and pull out uncomfortable amounts in the shower [7/28/2017 5:21:27 AM] girl: I will do my best [7/28/2017 5:21:41 AM] girl: Goodnight [7/28/2017 5:21:51 AM] aj: Night! [7/28/2017 5:22:13 AM] girl: Hahahaha [7/28/2017 5:22:22 AM] girl: Dont be fucking cute [7/28/2017 5:22:25 AM] girl: Bye [7/28/2017 5:44:13 PM] girl: Vhehehehe [7/28/2017 5:44:27 PM] girl: Somebody got me Dr*gs [7/28/2017 5:44:37 PM] girl: (Censored so the government cant see) [7/28/2017 5:54:50 PM] girl: I can haz cheeseburger dot com after dark [7/28/2017 8:23:53 PM] girl: I'm pretty sure i can tell you the plot of the emoji movie [7/29/2017 1:00:34 AM] girl: I'm not going to i dont think because its obvious and i already rrad it and i was like 70% right but thats aside from the point... i really really wish dearly in my heart that i had strawberry ice cream rn and that everyone and everything wasnt so damn boring [7/29/2017 1:01:57 AM] girl: i want to leave the damnt internet but i dont Do much else or have a presence anywhere else and i want to go on more walks but i keep forgetting everything i want to do, and then sitting for a few minutes, and then remembering something else i want to do, and then starting that and then forgetting it again [7/29/2017 2:12:12 AM] girl: And its HOT and i hate how hot it is and im going to be so damn sweaty by the time i Put Adderall in my body but id rather be sweaty than so bored i could DIE [7/29/2017 2:12:21 AM] girl: God [7/29/2017 2:12:31 AM] girl: I am truly a woman with no life skills [7/29/2017 7:50:02 PM] girl: Whats it take for a girl to get strawberry ice cream around here hello...( ?´_ゝ｀) [7/29/2017 7:51:11 PM] girl: I hate being so bored and im tempted to nyquil my sunday away so i can just skip it and Be Medicated [7/30/2017 3:29:07 AM] girl: I think im really scared to die still which is annoying. [7/30/2017 3:29:34 AM] girl: I hope theres benzos in purgatory so that i can stop freaking out about it when i am dead [7/30/2017 3:30:16 AM] girl: I don't need anything else, just a floating bit of consciousness somewhere out there, with a little bar, ill be fine [7/30/2017 3:32:29 AM] girl: No crustaceans either [7/30/2017 5:46:26 AM | Removed 8/8/2017 6:38:24 AM] girl: This message has been removed. [7/30/2017 5:47:08 AM] girl: And you've been sweet [7/30/2017 5:47:27 AM] girl: Sort of, idk how much im allowed to say it, that youve been sweet i mean [7/30/2017 5:48:24 AM] girl: But you have been. It's comforting and im very gluttonous for the things i like, such as being coddled, and eating berries, and doing exactly what I want when i want it, sometimes, and cuddling [7/30/2017 5:50:52 AM | Removed 8/8/2017 6:38:41 AM] girl: This message has been removed. [7/31/2017 12:05:47 AM | Removed 8/8/2017 6:37:13 AM] girl: This message has been removed. [8/1/2017 11:12:45 AM] girl: I really like when people name their pets regular human names like kevin or emily [8/1/2017 11:26:38 AM] girl: Like honestly telling your friends that kevin puked and ate it and they dont know its your cat? I love it [8/3/2017 1:09:56 AM | Removed 8/8/2017 6:38:51 AM] girl: This message has been removed. [8/5/2017 4:11:07 AM] girl: cool thing about adderall: can use my dumbass fucking brain [8/5/2017 4:11:39 AM] girl: not cool thing about adderall: sleeping at 3am and waking up at 6:30 am and going out on the couch 2 do some laundry and knocking out and injuring you're neck bc you're a fucking idiot [8/5/2017 4:16:03 AM] girl: not really injuring but you get me [8/5/2017 4:16:06 AM] girl: sorry for messaging you so much [8/5/2017 4:16:16 AM] girl: i'm sure you'll probably say its okay, or not say anything at all [8/5/2017 4:17:38 AM] girl: i don't really know where the hell im going rn and it's making me feel so god damn strange but it's okay.just weird and anxious and sore and i dont want to take out my contacts cause im so tired but i need to [8/5/2017 4:18:11 AM] girl: i keep remembering [8/5/2017 4:18:12 AM] girl: one time [8/5/2017 4:18:20 AM] girl: i asked you what kind of music you listened to [8/5/2017 4:18:46 AM] girl: and you just linked me this like no offense but very bizarre and off putting ambient movie sound track stuff and i was like oh... [8/5/2017 4:20:38 AM] girl: such a hot fucking mess rn but its chill i think [8/5/2017 4:21:45 AM] girl: at the end of the day i always still feel like such a stupid little girl [8/5/2017 4:29:40 AM | Removed 8/8/2017 6:39:22 AM] girl: This message has been removed. [8/5/2017 4:31:34 AM | Removed 8/8/2017 6:39:28 AM] girl: This message has been removed. [8/5/2017 4:31:55 AM | Removed 8/8/2017 6:39:33 AM] girl: This message has been removed. [8/5/2017 4:32:48 AM | Removed 8/8/2017 6:39:40 AM] girl: This message has been removed. [8/5/2017 4:37:30 AM] girl: m also really loving this wildfire smog [8/5/2017 4:37:58 AM] girl: and inhaling 900x the recommended daily dose of albuterol im sure LOL [8/5/2017 4:38:57 AM | Removed 8/8/2017 6:39:50 AM] girl: This message has been removed. [8/5/2017 4:39:13 AM | Removed 8/8/2017 6:39:56 AM] girl: This message has been removed. [8/5/2017 4:51:44 AM | Removed 8/8/2017 6:40:08 AM] girl: This message has been removed. [8/5/2017 5:33:57 AM | Removed 8/8/2017 6:40:02 AM] girl: This message has been removed. [8/5/2017 5:47:15 AM] girl: i just. i dont know. im on my fucking period probably so im feeling like an asshole but i really hate [8/5/2017 5:47:17 AM] girl: i dotn know [8/5/2017 5:48:17 AM] girl: so much about the way i am for you/at you/around you and that you said i made you feel that way, like, scared, at all, i dontk now [8/5/2017 5:49:01 AM] girl: i'm such a fucking crybaby aj lol did i tell you what happened. that i was crying on my pillow and thought i left mascara marks but realized that it was from the last time i cried on the pillow. im such af ucking crybaby. im probably crying more often than im not crying [8/5/2017 5:49:12 AM] girl: im sorry ive been so fucking awful [8/5/2017 5:50:22 AM] girl: so much of me has a horrible horrible horrible time letting go of how you were my best friend, and how you meant so much to me, and i dont know if i even want to, i dont know. im such a fucking dick and im such a fucking idiot and it's very obnoxious to be so self deprecating when i just mean to say im sorry [8/5/2017 5:50:50 AM] girl: (avocadolove) [8/5/2017 5:50:54 AM] girl: avo cado love [8/5/2017 5:51:12 AM] girl: im very sleep deprived sorry but i mean it, most of it [8/5/2017 5:07:19 PM] girl: on a another less self deprecating note, its really cool when some strange 40 year old sam hyde looking man approaches you outside your house and asks where you live and if you want to see the tupac poster hes going to go pick up and if you want to go on a coffee date [8/5/2017 5:07:29 PM] girl: REALLY fucking cool [8/6/2017 2:56:13 AM | Removed 8/8/2017 6:40:41 AM] girl: This message has been removed. [8/8/2017 6:32:59 AM] girl: i keep biting my lip much too hard and its annoying but its also whatever. i hope your move is going ok. Mine is but i hate moving, and i have so many stuffed animals because i love stuffed animals and whimsical ceramics and other things that make other adults in my life think im a child and a fool for. i dont care. i will die in a sanrio casket [8/8/2017 6:34:23 AM] girl: by much too hard i mean im missing small chunks from my lips sometimes which hurts but i also like eatinf my own blood like a freak, which maybe says something about a lack of nutrients in my body but who knows [8/8/2017 6:41:29 AM] girl: so tired but not quite sleepy [8/8/2017 6:43:08 AM] girl: Im trying all the time to be good and not bad, and I hope it works out, i hope i hope i. Hope im good and not bad. I wish i could hug you and stick my face in your shirt and not leave for an hour because that sounds nice and because im very tired and need a break [8/9/2017 12:53:08 AM] aj: Mm.  You poor thing. [8/9/2017 12:53:29 AM] aj: I don't mean that in a condescending way, though I feel like everything I say might always be interpreted that way. [8/9/2017 12:54:11 AM] aj: The move didn't happen.  A lot of unforeseen things happened, and I find myself back in AZ slightly poorer, slightly wiser, and without the plans that I'd made for the last six months. [8/9/2017 12:54:45 AM] aj: I'm frustrated.  Lots of people are sad for me, or the situation, but I don't really feel sad.  A friend of mine didn't do what he needed to, and so things didn't work out for either of us. [8/9/2017 12:55:18 AM] aj: Mostly, I'm frustrated because I could have kept closer tabs on him, and didn't.  I didn't because I would still have to work with him, and didn't want to seem overbearing. [8/9/2017 12:56:47 AM] girl: Spooked me. I was trying to figure out if i could read, and the answer is a big fat "only kind of, retard" [8/9/2017 12:57:02 AM] aj: Heh [8/9/2017 12:57:06 AM] girl: Also, that's really annoying! [8/9/2017 12:58:01 AM] aj: That's life, sometimes.  I have a few months to figure out what I'm going to do next.  People around me want me to try and make a go of it in the spring.  I think I'll probably end up staying in AZ and making a go of it out here, though. [8/9/2017 12:58:20 AM] aj: It's too soon to give you all the reasons for this.  People think I'm really methodical? [8/9/2017 12:58:31 AM] aj: I'm not.  I'm really, really intuitive. [8/9/2017 12:58:45 AM] aj: and when I act on my intuition, it's usually reasoned. [8/9/2017 12:59:02 AM] aj: But at core, it's intuition. [8/9/2017 12:59:23 AM] girl: I never know what you mean when you imply you're going to tell me something later [8/9/2017 1:00:08 AM] aj: The school I was transferring to had some religious rules to it. [8/9/2017 1:00:18 AM] aj: Amusingly enough. [8/9/2017 1:00:39 AM] girl: Do you have to wear special mormon panties? [8/9/2017 1:00:49 AM] aj: lmao [8/9/2017 1:00:58 AM] aj: Nah. [8/9/2017 1:02:42 AM] girl: I'm thinking abt making those assholes in colorado use the dollars they get for being goodhearted foster parents (thank god they are here who knows what we would do without them) to put my brother in some chill boarding school so he doesnt have to um live in a housr with cameras and constantly be accused of lying [8/9/2017 1:03:16 AM] aj: I think that's a good idea. [8/9/2017 1:04:00 AM] girl: What do you mean when you tell me you'll tell me things later? It's a weird thing to say [8/9/2017 1:04:57 AM] aj: I mean that either the thing I'll tell you is time-sensitive, I won't know how it will turn out, or that I'll tell you about it but have reservations about telling you right this moment. [8/9/2017 1:06:02 AM] girl: Weirdo [8/9/2017 1:06:08 AM] girl: Fair enough [8/9/2017 1:06:18 AM] aj: Stones and glass houses, Kort. [8/9/2017 1:06:39 AM] aj: =P [8/9/2017 1:06:58 AM] girl: it makes me flustered when you call me that, and ive never heard that phrase before [8/9/2017 1:07:17 AM] aj: Don't throw stones when you live in a glass house? [8/9/2017 1:08:12 AM] girl: why would i do that? Why would i throw stones indoors? Glass houses seem impractical. I'm frowning. [8/9/2017 1:08:34 AM] aj: You're a princess, yet you comment on the impracticality of glass houses? [8/9/2017 1:08:40 AM] aj: You're a terrible princess. [8/9/2017 1:08:59 AM] girl: you called me a princess [8/9/2017 1:09:18 AM] aj: I called your princess-ness into question. [8/9/2017 1:09:35 AM] girl: a terrible princess is still a princess [8/9/2017 1:09:49 AM] girl: (´ ∀ ` *) [8/9/2017 1:09:57 AM] aj: Yes, but even more than yes? [8/9/2017 1:09:59 AM] aj: No. [8/9/2017 1:10:03 AM] aj: Much more no than yes. [8/9/2017 1:10:16 AM] aj: Overwhelmingly no, you could say. [8/9/2017 1:10:46 AM] girl: (´ ∀ ` *) you sound like you're overcompensating because you slipped up and really did call me a princess [8/9/2017 1:10:56 AM] girl: Not that its any of my business or would ever be [8/9/2017 1:11:03 AM] aj: I've called you a princess before. [8/9/2017 1:11:12 AM] aj: You just happen to be a treasure princess. [8/9/2017 1:11:20 AM] girl: Ill bite you [8/9/2017 1:11:50 AM] aj: Anyways, I read what you sent while I was gone. [8/9/2017 1:13:08 AM] aj: You're gonna be how you are, which Is what I mean when I tell you it's okay. [8/9/2017 1:13:38 AM] aj: and, I remember linking you to music and it tripped you up a lot. [8/9/2017 1:13:44 AM] aj: Which was sort of amusing in a way. [8/9/2017 1:14:06 AM] aj: Mostly I just wondered if it was as offputting as talking with you was when you'd shout uncontrollably. [8/9/2017 1:15:31 AM] girl: If what was as offputting? [8/9/2017 1:15:47 AM] aj: The music I linked you to. [8/9/2017 1:16:17 AM] aj: Like, a few times early on, either you or I did something that the other person was just entirely put off by.  Me with the music, for instance. [8/9/2017 1:16:52 AM] girl: Oh. [8/9/2017 1:17:56 AM] girl: It was just uncomfortable. Its almost always weird basement men but i find it really strange and slightly disconcerting when people only listen to ambientt [8/9/2017 1:18:14 AM] girl: Ari likes....shudder.........aphex twin [8/9/2017 1:18:20 AM] aj: lmao [8/9/2017 1:19:38 AM] aj: For the road trip, I mostly listened to Bowie, some The Who, and a lot of Manowar.  I don't really know why. [8/9/2017 1:19:54 AM] aj: I was in a jazz mood for a while while out there. [8/9/2017 1:20:20 AM] girl: I fucking hate aphex twin hes so scary and his songs ablut asthma give me anxiety. Hes so scary scary [8/9/2017 1:20:29 AM] girl: That's kind of cute. Old fuck [8/9/2017 1:20:51 AM] aj: I don't fit in any time or place, tbh. [8/9/2017 1:21:11 AM] aj: but yeah, Aphex Twin was never really something I cared for. [8/9/2017 1:22:04 AM] aj: I had a lot of time to myself and thought about you some. [8/9/2017 1:22:39 AM] aj: When I wasn't being turned down in rapid succession for places to live, or being leaned on by people out there I'd be working with [8/9/2017 1:22:50 AM] aj: Or realizing how my stupid friend probably never did anything. [8/9/2017 1:22:57 AM] aj: Or, you know, about a dozen other thoughts. [8/9/2017 1:23:55 AM] girl: What about me? [8/9/2017 1:24:24 AM] aj: I saw a small dog and thought you might've found it cute, one time. [8/9/2017 1:25:12 AM] aj: Another time I was staring at the ceiling of my hotel room and wondered if the anxiety I was experiencing at that moment was like yours. [8/9/2017 1:25:44 AM] girl: Hmm... i would have definitely found it cute. The dog. No dog out there isn't cute... [8/9/2017 1:26:03 AM] aj: You know, while I was biting my bottom lip and picking open one of the scars on my arm out of idle nervous habit. [8/9/2017 1:27:23 AM] girl: Mmm. What were you anxious about? [8/9/2017 1:27:42 AM] aj: That all of my plans were falling apart? [8/9/2017 1:28:02 AM] aj: and I still had a day to at least give things another shot, even though I could already see the outcome. [8/9/2017 1:28:44 AM] aj: So I had to get up and try anyways, even though I had concluded it was pointless.  So I was then forcing myself to be optimistic, and generally dreading all the work I'd have to do once things fell through. [8/9/2017 1:28:55 AM] aj: and dreading how many times I'd have to explain it to various people. [8/9/2017 1:29:28 AM] aj: and I was mostly anxious about all of that. [8/9/2017 1:30:15 AM] aj: When I'm really, really anxious, I also just sometimes want someone to let me curl up against them.  Then they can stroke my hair. [8/9/2017 1:30:25 AM] aj: But I have nobody who'll do that for me right now. [8/9/2017 1:34:21 AM] aj: Anyways. [8/9/2017 1:34:52 AM] aj: I think about you from time to time.  Mostly it's just small, passing things. [8/9/2017 1:35:22 AM] aj: In times where I want comfort, I don't think of you, because it'd probably just be bad if I looked to you for comfort. [8/9/2017 1:35:35 AM] aj: Especially when I can talk with you honestly, and somewhat frequently, without issue. [8/9/2017 1:37:39 AM] girl: Haha. That only makes me want to do it more, you know. [8/9/2017 1:38:29 AM] girl: Because that's sad. [8/9/2017 1:39:50 AM] aj: Heh [8/9/2017 1:40:57 AM] girl: I don't like to be thought of as people's weird mommy friend but i do like to feel helpful. [8/9/2017 1:41:39 AM] girl: I'm sorry things didn't work out quite right, as they tend to do [8/9/2017 1:41:45 AM] aj: Most times I end up being the one other people want cuddles from. [8/9/2017 1:42:00 AM] aj: So sometimes I want them for me. [8/9/2017 1:42:16 AM] aj: and, that's just life.  I'm not really down from it.  I just have to figure out what next. [8/9/2017 1:42:31 AM] girl: It's too hot to do any thinking [8/9/2017 1:43:40 AM] aj: True. [8/9/2017 1:44:07 AM] aj: and, I wasn't looking for cuddles from you.  Or comfort.  You're easy to talk to, and that's safest for both of us. [8/9/2017 1:44:11 AM] aj: =P [8/9/2017 1:47:42 AM] girl: I know that. [8/9/2017 1:48:09 AM] girl: I just would [8/9/2017 1:48:33 AM] aj: Yeah, and I'd probably let you bury your face in my shirt, too. [8/9/2017 1:48:45 AM] aj: and pat your head and stuff. [8/9/2017 1:49:07 AM] aj: But yeah. [8/9/2017 1:50:02 AM] girl: good [8/9/2017 1:50:13 AM] girl: i deserve head pats pretty much any time i want them, [8/9/2017 1:50:16 AM] girl: thems just the facts [8/9/2017 1:52:04 AM] aj: I mean, I could say the same for me. [8/9/2017 1:52:21 AM] girl: youre not nearly as cute as i am [8/9/2017 1:53:00 AM] aj: That has nothing to do with deserving headpats [8/9/2017 1:53:31 AM] girl: Yeah it does. Cute orphans. Get headpats. Its my slogan [8/9/2017 1:53:49 AM] aj: Nah [8/9/2017 1:54:27 AM] girl: yeah, idiot [8/9/2017 1:56:09 AM] girl: but id headpat you even if you aren't quite as cute as i am, or even an orphan [8/9/2017 1:56:17 AM] girl: arent i so nice [8/9/2017 1:56:34 AM] girl: you, nodding to yourself: wow, she is sooo nice and cool [8/9/2017 1:59:46 AM] aj: Heh. [8/9/2017 2:00:00 AM] aj: Anyways.  I'm getting some rest. [8/9/2017 2:00:02 AM] aj: Sleep well. [8/9/2017 2:00:11 AM] girl: i will do my best [8/9/2017 2:00:22 AM] girl: goodnight, dummy [8/9/2017 12:29:53 PM] girl: put me in the dirt [8/9/2017 4:40:54 PM] girl: moving is a big fat pain in my big fat ass but its Happening [8/9/2017 6:14:56 PM] girl: Did your birthday pass already????? Happy birthday??? Maybe????? Everyone's birthdays are in august and october and november... [8/9/2017 6:16:22 PM] girl: my moms and my sisters and my friend tinas are all in august, and mine and kittys and maxs and hopes and aris moms are all in october, and my brother and my dads are in november... fucking scorpios but never mind that [8/9/2017 7:09:28 PM] girl: it is really cool when someone tells me they fingered their girlfriend to weezer in the car... um... that's not really my business [8/10/2017 12:18:24 AM] girl: just glued.. a bunch of flowers... to my face.........which is cool [8/10/2017 1:10:27 AM] aj: To Weezer? [8/10/2017 1:10:39 AM] girl: to weezer :/ [8/10/2017 1:10:49 AM] girl: very terrible [8/10/2017 1:11:05 AM] aj: I never knew people would do that. [8/10/2017 1:11:25 AM] aj: Like, abstractly, I know people are horrible and have shit taste and do trashy things. [8/10/2017 1:11:41 AM] aj: But this is a special kind of trashy that I just didn't think existed. [8/10/2017 1:12:02 AM] girl: i know... he's like... way too old to be doing that kind of thing too [8/10/2017 1:12:13 AM] girl: it's not right or healthy [8/10/2017 1:12:40 AM] aj: Yeah, I've got nothing else to really say on that one. [8/10/2017 1:12:49 AM] aj: My life is worse from knowing someone did something like that. [8/10/2017 1:13:03 AM] girl: if i have to suffer so do you [8/10/2017 1:13:19 AM] aj: You like suffering, though [8/10/2017 1:13:22 AM] aj: I don't. [8/10/2017 1:13:29 AM] aj: This isn't a good tradeoff. [8/10/2017 1:13:39 AM] girl: this is not the kind of suffering i like [8/10/2017 1:14:14 AM] aj: Still. [8/10/2017 1:14:16 AM] girl: Constant - Last Tuesday at 11:48 PM Mhmm Gonna be a fun drive home too horses420 - Last Tuesday at 11:48 PM i caught up on that manwha and its really tense i need a benzo oh,,,,,dont fuck in the car Constant - Last Tuesday at 11:48 PM We had a lil fun in the parking garage. Lol Nice [8/10/2017 1:14:25 AM] girl: a lil fun in the parking garage [8/10/2017 1:14:30 AM] aj: ... [8/10/2017 1:14:35 AM] girl: honey i know [8/10/2017 1:14:45 AM] girl: i know..... i know................ [8/10/2017 1:15:36 AM] aj: I'm going to open a portal to some world that has terrible things in it.  Those things will then purge the human race of things like this, at the small cost of my eternal soul. [8/10/2017 1:15:39 AM] aj: and it'd be worth it. [8/10/2017 1:15:55 AM] girl: a lil fun in the parking garage ;) [8/10/2017 1:16:02 AM] girl: am i right? [8/10/2017 1:16:32 AM] aj: It has this cutesy phrasing to it that just makes the whole thing creepy. [8/10/2017 1:16:45 AM] girl: yeah [8/10/2017 1:16:52 AM] girl: it's very ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm [8/10/2017 1:16:57 AM] aj: You're too old for that stuff, homie. [8/10/2017 1:17:10 AM] girl: disgusting........ [8/10/2017 1:17:16 AM] girl: yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh [8/10/2017 1:17:31 AM] aj: Though, really. [8/10/2017 1:17:41 AM] aj: The girlfriend is also trash. [8/10/2017 1:17:45 AM] aj: Weezer? [8/10/2017 1:17:58 AM] aj: She wasn't lying back and thinking of England or some shit. [8/10/2017 1:18:05 AM] aj: We're not that prudish. [8/10/2017 1:18:20 AM] girl: i would never blame her for what he puts on in the car while they make sick horrible love to one another [8/10/2017 1:18:38 AM] aj: I would blame her for being with a person who would feasibly do such a thing. [8/10/2017 1:18:43 AM] girl: that's her ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm daddy LOL [8/10/2017 1:18:55 AM] aj: If you look at someone and go [8/10/2017 1:19:20 AM] aj: "is it possible that this person would finger me while Weezer is playing in the car?" and it's not a "No, this person has more class" [8/10/2017 1:19:23 AM] aj: Find someone else. [8/10/2017 1:19:33 AM] aj: There's 8+ billion people on the planet. [8/10/2017 1:19:58 AM] girl: i still have flowers glued to my face and im not pumped to take them off and wash my face, there's like a pound of glitter onme [8/10/2017 1:20:08 AM] girl: ummm that's her baby [8/10/2017 1:20:12 AM] girl: that's her um... special man.. [8/10/2017 1:20:15 AM] girl: she loves him........ [8/10/2017 1:20:27 AM] girl: actually im pretty sure he's her um Side Hoe as they say [8/10/2017 1:20:30 AM] aj: You're saying this like it matters. [8/10/2017 1:20:43 AM] aj: There are some matters that have no leeway to them. [8/10/2017 1:20:45 AM] girl: that'ss her baby.....her .........lover [8/10/2017 1:20:50 AM] aj: So? [8/10/2017 1:21:03 AM] girl: her special......baby boy.................... [8/10/2017 1:21:06 AM] girl: ...................her little man [8/10/2017 1:21:28 AM] aj: Doesn't make a difference. [8/10/2017 1:22:09 AM] girl: i'm not making it that hard to read my tone you fool boy [8/10/2017 1:22:14 AM] girl: im making jokes. you ever heard of jokes [8/10/2017 1:22:19 AM] girl: >:( [8/10/2017 1:22:32 AM] aj: This is no joking matter you sparkly piece of shit [8/10/2017 1:22:41 AM] girl: i'm CUTE and im GLITTERING [8/10/2017 1:22:48 AM] aj: Sparkly. [8/10/2017 1:22:50 AM] aj: Piece. [8/10/2017 1:22:51 AM] aj: Of. [8/10/2017 1:22:52 AM] aj: Shit. [8/10/2017 1:22:56 AM] girl: >:( [8/10/2017 1:23:03 AM] girl: say it to my face you fucking bitch boy [8/10/2017 1:23:06 AM] aj: That's why flowers are growing on you. [8/10/2017 1:23:21 AM] girl: they're not growing on me i went outside at 10 pm and i STOLE them from the BANK [8/10/2017 1:23:34 AM] girl: the garden outside the bank, to be specific [8/10/2017 1:23:42 AM] aj: Only pieces of shit steal flowers from banks. [8/10/2017 1:23:47 AM] aj: I rest my case. [8/10/2017 1:24:05 AM] girl: bitch bye [8/10/2017 1:24:20 AM] girl: it was very brave of me honestly [8/10/2017 1:24:37 AM] girl: there were many scary shadow men outside but i brought my pepper gel and a large pair of kitchen scissors (for cutting flowers) [8/10/2017 1:25:48 AM] girl: anyway [8/10/2017 1:25:54 AM] aj: Heh. [8/10/2017 1:25:57 AM] girl: now you get to read this since you said something so horrible to me [8/10/2017 1:25:59 AM] girl: Constant - Yesterday at 1:40 AM I fingered her to Weezer and made her cum during the drive lol Constant - Yesterday at 7:07 PM Hey horses420 - Yesterday at 7:08 PM hi! also oh my god um wow Constant - Yesterday at 7:08 PM xD There's a lyric during "across the sea" where he sings "I could never touch you, I think it would be wrong" horses420 - Yesterday at 7:09 PM LOL Constant - Yesterday at 7:09 PM And I belted it while rolling her clit between my fingers horses420 - Yesterday at 7:09 PM i hate across the sea but i love weezer but rivers cuomo can die oh my GOD [8/10/2017 1:26:10 AM] girl: have fun you pos [8/10/2017 1:26:54 AM] aj: Yeah, enjoy getting ignored for two months for that. [8/10/2017 1:27:02 AM] girl: you do that all the time anyway! [8/10/2017 1:27:17 AM] aj: It's not meant to be particularly punitive. [8/10/2017 1:27:37 AM] girl: use smaller words for my idiot brain wont you [8/10/2017 1:27:40 AM] aj: If you were nearby, I'd just use a squirtgun on your face, like if you were a cat. [8/10/2017 1:27:55 AM] aj: and probably say "BAD" or something [8/10/2017 1:28:06 AM] girl: i'd strangle you for moistening my lewk [8/10/2017 1:28:20 AM] aj: You couldn't even reach my neck. [8/10/2017 1:28:32 AM] girl: ohhh my goddd [8/10/2017 1:28:32 AM] aj: Shorty, with short arms and small hands. [8/10/2017 1:28:37 AM] girl: i dont have small hands! [8/10/2017 1:28:40 AM] girl: i have big hands!!! [8/10/2017 1:28:44 AM] aj: Ew. [8/10/2017 1:28:55 AM] girl: dont say ew about my hands!! they are large and i cant help it [8/10/2017 1:29:12 AM] aj: I'm not really grossed out [8/10/2017 1:29:23 AM] aj: It was just the quickest reply when you denied they were small. [8/10/2017 1:29:39 AM] girl: cruel [8/10/2017 1:29:43 AM] aj: and rather than assert they are, it seemed more fun to be grossed out by large hands. [8/10/2017 1:30:27 AM] girl: you're going to give me a complex about my hands [8/10/2017 1:30:45 AM] aj: You started this. [8/10/2017 1:31:28 AM] girl: i'll die from sadness and my grave will say aj's fault :))) [8/10/2017 1:32:00 AM] aj: Just so long as you don't haunt me. [8/10/2017 1:32:07 AM] girl: i will [8/10/2017 1:32:20 AM] aj: I'll bind you to like, a rock or something, and then glue you to a crustacean. [8/10/2017 1:32:22 AM] girl: i'll sit by your desk and cry and cry and cry all day about my hands [8/10/2017 1:32:40 AM] aj: and I will make sure it gets dumped in the deep, dark ocean. [8/10/2017 1:33:15 AM] aj: All alone.  You and some shelled bottom feeder.  Way past the depths that the sun reaches. [8/10/2017 1:33:22 AM] girl: :))) [8/10/2017 1:33:28 AM] girl: ill use your eyes as a pincushion [8/10/2017 1:33:44 AM] aj: Yeah, you'll die a thousand times for that. [8/10/2017 1:33:48 AM] girl: <3 [8/10/2017 1:34:01 AM] aj: It's cute you remember that. [8/10/2017 1:34:08 AM] aj: and it's also a good feeling for me. [8/10/2017 1:34:15 AM] girl: shut up [8/10/2017 1:34:17 AM] girl: you remember things [8/10/2017 1:34:24 AM] aj: Of course I do. [8/10/2017 1:34:40 AM] aj: I meant it more because eye-stuff doesn't squick me out like it used to. [8/10/2017 1:34:49 AM] aj: I forced myself to desensitize to it. [8/10/2017 1:35:09 AM] aj: So, you're remembering something that doesn't get to me. [8/10/2017 1:35:11 AM] girl: me too, with most crabs [8/10/2017 1:35:16 AM] aj: Which tells me I've grown. [8/10/2017 1:35:21 AM] girl: and isopods, even, but i dont really like to look at them anyway [8/10/2017 1:35:24 AM] aj: What about King Crabs? [8/10/2017 1:35:24 AM] girl: they look. bad. [8/10/2017 1:35:44 AM] girl: unpleasant, but i can handle it [8/10/2017 1:35:55 AM] aj: You've grown. [8/10/2017 1:35:58 AM] aj: You get headpats. [8/10/2017 1:36:02 AM] aj:  /headpats [8/10/2017 1:36:07 AM] girl: i took a picture of me posing with oen of those horrible fucking spider crabs and i get sick when i look at it [8/10/2017 1:36:28 AM] girl: you're making me flustered [8/10/2017 1:36:56 AM] aj: Overcoming fears shows growth, particularly character growth. [8/10/2017 1:37:03 AM] aj: Good job.  I mean it. [8/10/2017 1:37:07 AM] aj:  /more headpats [8/10/2017 1:37:29 AM] girl: it still feels condescending somehow [8/10/2017 1:37:34 AM] girl: but in a way that i dont mind so much [8/10/2017 1:37:41 AM] aj: I'm being honest, here. [8/10/2017 1:37:48 AM] girl: i know you are, dummy. [8/10/2017 1:37:53 AM] aj: and I'd give you hugs, but that's sort of like a once-a-year thing, maybe. [8/10/2017 1:37:59 AM] aj: So headpats is the most intimacy you get. [8/10/2017 1:38:04 AM] girl: im rolling my eyes [8/10/2017 1:38:14 AM] girl: you can't even actually touch me, you dumb idiot loser [8/10/2017 1:38:24 AM] aj: Doesn't stop you from being flustered. [8/10/2017 1:38:47 AM] girl: i'm easily flustered [8/10/2017 1:39:42 AM] aj: Point stands. [8/10/2017 1:40:08 AM] girl: shut up idiot [8/10/2017 1:41:14 AM] girl: im a sucker in general, doesn't mean anything [8/10/2017 1:41:28 AM] aj: I'll believe you. [8/10/2017 1:41:43 AM] girl: well, don't, i'm only half telling the truth [8/10/2017 1:41:53 AM] aj: I know. [8/10/2017 1:41:58 AM] aj: That's why I'm deciding to believe you. [8/10/2017 1:42:04 AM] aj: Rather than, you know, being convinced. [8/10/2017 1:42:16 AM] girl: 9___9 [8/10/2017 1:42:59 AM] girl: my eyes are rolling so far back into my head that i can see my brain [8/10/2017 1:43:58 AM] aj: Anyways, good on you.  Some people don't grow out of fears. [8/10/2017 1:44:22 AM] girl: its annoying to be afraid [8/10/2017 1:45:43 AM] girl: i feel restless and weird [8/10/2017 1:46:01 AM] girl: and also like maybe one of these flowers is making my face itch [8/10/2017 1:47:22 AM] aj: Heh [8/10/2017 1:47:43 AM] girl: beauty is uncomfortable itchiness as they say [8/10/2017 1:48:08 AM] girl: ari is looking at horrible deep sea fish and its like playing russian roulette every time he scrolls [8/10/2017 1:48:14 AM] girl: like whats gonna pop up next [8/10/2017 1:48:23 AM] girl: might be a big weird fish [8/10/2017 1:48:25 AM] girl: might be actually a demon [8/10/2017 1:52:29 AM] girl: kittys cat bunny is the cutest thing ive ever seen in my life [8/10/2017 1:52:32 AM] girl: i'd literally die for her [8/10/2017 1:53:03 AM] girl: also you never told me if it was your birthday or not yet you old man [8/10/2017 1:53:14 AM] aj: Not yet. [8/10/2017 1:53:57 AM] girl: when is it? [8/10/2017 1:55:28 AM] aj: =P [8/10/2017 1:55:34 AM] girl: eyeroll [8/10/2017 1:56:19 AM] aj: My dad killed himself right near my birthday, so I really don't like talking about it. [8/10/2017 1:56:37 AM] aj: I can't really think about one without the other. [8/10/2017 1:57:04 AM] girl: that's horrible horrible [8/10/2017 1:57:46 AM] girl: sorry, i didnt mean to make you think about something awful [8/10/2017 1:58:22 AM] aj: It's okay.  I just really don't think about it too much, generally. [8/10/2017 2:00:05 AM] girl: pet pet [8/10/2017 2:00:19 AM] girl: ill try and remember that [8/10/2017 2:00:59 AM] girl: i took the flowers off my face and put them on my leg instead [8/10/2017 2:02:21 AM] girl: its scary that deep sea things look really wrong when they get outside of the ocean [8/10/2017 2:17:44 AM] girl: im thinking about you a little lately, but not too bigly. i feel really strange and restless and anxious in a way that is hard to explain, about a lot of things and im not sure quite what. just in the background i guess. maybe like im always waiting for the carpet to be pulled out from under me because a lot of times life is very bold and unafraid to disappoint me [8/10/2017 2:18:47 AM] girl: i miss you a lot and annoyingly, and im relieved a lot when youre good. I hate that im so anxious and so chatty [8/10/2017 4:00:53 AM] girl: you said something kind of cute and strange earlier [8/10/2017 4:01:08 AM] girl: that i like to suffer, or something [8/10/2017 4:01:24 AM] girl: but i think its less that i like it and more that it comforts me [8/10/2017 4:02:45 AM] girl: i hope i didnt upset you much, but i think you probably just went to bed, but i worry worry anyway that youd be sad [8/10/2017 6:00:13 AM] girl: hah [8/10/2017 6:00:26 AM] girl: im such a self destructive loser [8/10/2017 6:09:24 AM] girl: I feel like I'm just gonna fuck this up inevitably [8/10/2017 6:09:41 AM] girl: ari i mean [8/10/2017 6:11:40 AM] girl: I hate talking to fucking losers online and trying to make them fall in lpve with me or want to fuck me or both, i hate that i see aris friends that way, i hate that i cant detach my worth from being something fuckable and i feel so self destructive, like im okay right now but like im gonna fuck up so bad, and i love him, i love him so much, ive never had anyone be this good to me, ive never ever been so loved i dont think [8/10/2017 6:14:15 AM] girl: so why am i like this? Why am i so intent on towing the line between whats appropriate with men and whats not? i dont even fucking like it. Im not talking about you either because i feel the way i do about you sickly and at least when i want you to love me or want to fuck me its partially because i have like a real emotional attachment to you. I dont fucking love it and its messed up of me and im sorry i make it so fucking obvious but at least with you or like hope its you or hope and like youre both [8/10/2017 6:14:26 AM] girl: People I actually give a shit about [8/10/2017 6:15:58 AM] girl: i hate it though. I hate when losers want to fuck me and i hTe when for a second or two i thought they were my friends or that they cared about me when i know better [8/10/2017 6:16:09 AM | Removed 7:19:45 PM] girl: This message has been removed. [8/10/2017 6:16:15 AM] girl: i just have a big headache hahaI sdont think im gonna sleep [8/10/2017 6:20:44 AM] girl: Also sorry if you ever see the long strinf of messages i leave you and go "wow that's obnoxious" but i dont do it out of ignorance i just cant stop hahaha [8/10/2017 6:20:54 AM] girl: Sorry [8/10/2017 1:39:04 PM] girl: I'm such a fuuuucking loser but its chill. Helped ari pack and am suffering in bed of sleeplessness like a fool woman who has done wrong [8/10/2017 6:59:31 PM | Removed 7:19:38 PM] girl: This message has been removed. [8/10/2017 6:59:52 PM | Removed 7:19:32 PM] girl: This message has been removed. [8/10/2017 6:59:54 PM | Removed 7:19:28 PM] girl: This message has been removed. [8/11/2017 11:13:29 PM] aj: Interesting name change. [8/11/2017 11:17:29 PM] girl: Thought it was charming of me [8/11/2017 11:19:53 PM] girl: you have weirdly good timinf a lot of the time [8/11/2017 11:24:27 PM] aj: I've always had that. [8/11/2017 11:25:50 PM] girl: Youve messaged me twice in a row now like right after i was done dicking around for like two hours [8/11/2017 11:27:11 PM] aj: Heh. [8/11/2017 11:28:07 PM] girl: are you. well [8/11/2017 11:28:30 PM] aj: I'm doing okay.  I just felt like checking in on you. [8/11/2017 11:28:47 PM] girl: im here and i'm Showered [8/11/2017 11:30:26 PM] aj:  /headpats [8/11/2017 11:30:50 PM] girl: why headpats [8/11/2017 11:30:59 PM] girl: bites [8/11/2017 11:35:14 PM] aj: You have someone good for you.  You're smart enough to recognize it.  Everyone has self-worth tied up in strange things.  I'm not really an exception. [8/11/2017 11:36:36 PM] girl: yeah [8/11/2017 11:38:19 PM] aj: So I guess about the only thing worth saying to you is that I've found all the bullshit, day-to-day stuff involved in keeping a relationship going is all really difficult for me.  I like doing big things, but not all the little things along the way, which is actually what matters when it comes down to it.  In your case, I think you're probably a more balanced person than I am.  You care about little things in a way I can't really get in my headspace. [8/11/2017 11:38:56 PM] aj: There's gonna be self-worth issues and all that shit.  Validation from stupid men is sort of the junk food of self worth. [8/11/2017 11:40:51 PM] girl: Sure is. It's pretty uh [8/11/2017 11:40:55 PM] girl: Terrible [8/11/2017 11:41:50 PM] aj: I think, for you, you've had so many relationships go entirely to shit that this worry you have is magnified.  It's not a bad worry.  It'll hopefully keep you open and looking at what you need to do to keep things good. [8/11/2017 11:44:02 PM] girl: im just [8/11/2017 11:47:16 PM] girl: it's so hard to shake the idea that if i self destruct first, then no one can catch me by surprise, and that being surprised hurts more than hurting yourself on purpose [8/11/2017 11:50:40 PM] girl: i also just [8/11/2017 11:51:46 PM] girl: don't really love myself for me, ever, even if i say i do or try to sometimes, i dont think [8/11/2017 11:52:46 PM] girl: i think most of the time id rather die than be a burden even though i try not to think that way [8/11/2017 11:53:50 PM] girl: why is doing small stuff difficult for you? [8/11/2017 11:56:57 PM] girl: also sorry i sent you all that earlier, lol, it's, embarrassing, but, you're easier to talk to about it because you're not in my social circles [8/11/2017 11:57:13 PM] girl: i also feel like you probably worry less than kitty would [8/12/2017 12:09:28 AM] girl: im really out of it lmao but dwayne the rock johnson looks like afucking egg [8/12/2017 12:09:30 AM] girl: on a body [8/12/2017 12:35:53 AM] girl: also its my moms bday time to do My Drinking [8/12/2017 12:38:26 AM] girl: japanese chins are the cutest fucking dogs,,,,, it makes me want to die [8/12/2017 12:44:04 AM] girl: sorry for rambling so much lol im gonna snooze though i think [8/12/2017 12:44:13 AM] girl: <3 bye [8/12/2017 1:15:27 AM] aj: Sorry for the lapse.  Skype was being an asshole, so I just finished up the rest of what I needed to do tonight. [8/12/2017 1:16:57 AM] aj: Basically, you're engaging with a logic that everyone does.  "Nobody can hurt me if I keep them away."  or  "If I care less than they do, then I can't be hurt by them."  Self-sabotage gives you a sense of control over the bad things, at a huge expense. [8/12/2017 1:17:28 AM] aj: I did that.  I'm super, super good at that mindset. [8/12/2017 1:17:44 AM] aj: I read something a while back, though, and it took a while to really let it sink in. [8/12/2017 1:18:46 AM] aj: Being vulnerable is powerful.  You're seeking to be invulnerable.  You don't want to really be hurt by others.  Not investing in them, and self-destructing means that you hurt yourself, but you know how that feels.  It's familiar.  Whereas, who knows how you'll handle other people hurting you, and you've been hurt a lot. [8/12/2017 1:20:12 AM] aj: I hate being vulnerable, but it has allowed me to have friendships I wouldn't have otherwise.  It has allowed me to fix some of the shit wrong with me.  I'm not a perfect human being by any measure, but trying to be vulnerable lets me try things other people who self-sabotage more won't try, and has led me to seeking new opportunities. [8/12/2017 1:21:47 AM] aj: and, it's especially difficult as a male.  The last thing other guys expect when they ask me for advice is stuff like "Be vulnerable." because they equate vulnerability with being overly emotional or shit.  It's a difficult line to walk. [8/12/2017 1:21:50 AM] aj: Anyways. [8/12/2017 1:23:17 AM] aj: Loving yourself is all about the little things, which is why I also struggle with it.  Best advice I have in that arena is to pick one thing you hate about yourself and fix it.  Sure, you might have fifty-billion things, but pick one, fix it.  This means you have to pick something you can quantify. [8/12/2017 1:23:48 AM] aj: and it doesn't matter what the fuck it is because literally fuck everyone else, this is about you fixing something you don't like, not about anything anyone else has to say. [8/12/2017 1:27:18 AM] aj: and, doing all the small things is terribly hard for me because I'm terribly inconsistent. [8/12/2017 1:27:41 AM] aj: Being consistent takes so much of my effort. [8/12/2017 1:27:56 AM] aj: Anyways, have some more /headpats [8/12/2017 1:28:57 AM] aj: I'm not worried about you because I think you know the answers you need, and have the ability to move in a direction to make them happen.  Everything else is luck or fate or willpower or choice or something. [8/12/2017 1:35:30 AM] girl: Oops im still on the floor [8/12/2017 1:36:15 AM] girl: We were supposed to goooo to the apartment were moving into like probably before 1:30 but we forgot and now i am on the floor [8/12/2017 1:37:01 AM] girl: I thinkbeing [8/12/2017 1:37:42 AM] girl: Vulnerable is important. Too. But it's hard when everyone is so fucking prickly [8/12/2017 1:39:54 AM] aj: Yeah, it is. [8/12/2017 1:40:14 AM] girl: And its hard when im so weirdly into retraumatizing myself like some kind of idiot wwoudld [8/12/2017 1:40:28 AM] girl: I hope i dont fall asleep on the floor [8/12/2017 1:43:54 AM] girl: i hope i dont. fall asleep here. i will dislocate something im sure [8/12/2017 1:44:07 AM] girl: but [8/12/2017 1:44:10 AM] aj: Get off the floor and sleep somewhere better, stupid. [8/12/2017 1:44:43 AM] girl: it's good to be tender and open and i try ot be but also its hard even when im doing my best to be good. sometimes i try to be tender and open and i accidentally just make myself be everyones mommy or whatever and its like wlel oops [8/12/2017 1:45:01 AM] girl: somewhere better is like [8/12/2017 1:45:03 AM] girl: two blocks over [8/12/2017 1:45:14 AM] girl: and my fat little legs are struggling [8/12/2017 1:45:40 AM] girl: i mean, my mattress is not in my home, and is in my New home [8/12/2017 1:45:45 AM] aj: Make it happen anyways.  Dummy. [8/12/2017 1:45:50 AM] girl: you're the dummy [8/12/2017 1:45:59 AM] aj: We can both be dummies. [8/12/2017 1:46:03 AM] girl: no [8/12/2017 1:46:07 AM] girl: i'm smart and fast [8/12/2017 1:46:08 AM] girl: and strong [8/12/2017 1:46:09 AM] girl: and tall [8/12/2017 1:47:06 AM] aj: and a liar. [8/12/2017 1:47:17 AM] girl: i would never ever lie once or even ever [8/12/2017 1:48:23 AM] girl: boys are especially prickly, like you said. which is sad [8/12/2017 1:48:42 AM] girl: being emotional is honestly healthy for your insides and your outsides and crying over chow chow videos will bring you inner peace [8/12/2017 1:48:56 AM] aj: Heh. [8/12/2017 1:49:06 AM] girl: it doesn't matter much. ifrogtet what im saying... i think just. just. [8/12/2017 1:49:42 AM] girl: i wanna be good but i feel so destined to implode and i try so ahrd not to hurt myself or anybody else in the process but it creeps up on me weirdly [8/12/2017 1:50:30 AM] aj: You're cute, and you're trying.  That counts for stuff. [8/12/2017 1:50:56 AM] girl: like a fat puppy with weak little legs who is too stupid to roll over but is doing her best [8/12/2017 1:51:05 AM] aj: Pretty much. [8/12/2017 1:51:14 AM] girl: ihope that is what you imagine [8/12/2017 1:51:19 AM] girl: when you think of me [8/12/2017 1:52:53 AM] girl: you dfont always say the right thing, but when you do it's often very very much the right thing, somehow, or maybe someone already told me the right thing too, but i just wanted to hear it in the way you say it. feels like a verbal headpat when you say the right thing. very [8/12/2017 1:52:56 AM] girl: satisfying [8/12/2017 1:54:21 AM] girl: like. looking at a neatly organized drawer. and nodding to yourself [8/12/2017 1:54:28 AM] girl: and saying..hmm. that's right. [8/12/2017 1:55:34 AM] aj: Thanks. [8/12/2017 1:55:52 AM] girl: is that a real thanks [8/12/2017 1:56:00 AM] girl: i would understand if it wasnt [8/12/2017 1:56:58 AM] aj: There's gonna be stuff other people are better equipped to say or tell you.  I'm glad that I'm not just entirely useless. [8/12/2017 1:57:15 AM] girl: hah [8/12/2017 1:57:37 AM] girl: you're not usually useless [8/12/2017 1:58:03 AM] girl: i feel sad that so much is all weird and messed up between us [8/12/2017 2:01:10 AM] girl: even beyond my many and varying problems with the Male Species i still like you a lot. i know you say i wouldn't ever realistically get along with you, or that i'd hate you, but i dont really think i hate you or that i would if things were different. i hate some thigns about how you talk or some thigns that you did but i also am a freak who treasures you a bit if im being honest with myself [8/12/2017 2:01:34 AM] girl: im trying to say it without sounding stupid or caught up in the moment [8/12/2017 2:01:47 AM] aj: I get you. [8/12/2017 2:01:55 AM] girl: you do? [8/12/2017 2:02:53 AM] aj: Sure.  I still like you.  I sometimes have moments where I realize I'm talking to you and I think about the history of things.  I'm not really proud of any of it.  Or happy with it.  Both of us were vastly different, vastly unhappy human beings. [8/12/2017 2:03:26 AM] aj: But, emotional bonds still happen in fucked up situations.  There's science behind it, even.  Anyways. [8/12/2017 2:04:04 AM] aj: I have wondered how we'd interact without the fucked up past, and the truth is, we probably wouldn't?  Or it wouldn't have the same emotional quality to it. [8/12/2017 2:04:27 AM] aj: So the very thing that's fucked up is also the thing that is responsible for any deep connection or understanding. [8/12/2017 2:08:32 AM] girl: i don't think you've ever been useless to me. i don't know. and yeah, that's true, idk, it's messed up and sad, but it's what happened. i guess i don't think we would really interact much either, but, like, then again, i don't think either of us would be anything at all like we are if not for. everything i guess. in general. not just the you and me parts. [8/12/2017 2:08:49 AM] aj: Pretty much. [8/12/2017 2:08:58 AM] aj: That's the same conclusion I reached, at least. [8/12/2017 2:09:21 AM] girl: ive resigned to accepting for the time being that you're special to me and probably always will be no matter how fucked up it is of me to feel that way [8/12/2017 2:10:36 AM] girl: stupid of me i guess but [8/12/2017 2:12:49 AM] aj: It's accurate.  At this point, too, you're not really in a position to rehab yourself so that it'd go away.  Sorry about that. [8/12/2017 2:14:15 AM] girl: Ccwhoops [8/12/2017 2:14:24 AM] girl: That just my skype lgginh [8/12/2017 2:14:47 AM] aj: I'm a shitty person, but a lot of people treasure me.  I guess it's because only a few people know the depths.  I also guess it's because the good parts tend to balance in the eyes of most.  I've really stopped trying to figure it out. [8/12/2017 2:14:56 AM] aj: I know how conceited that sounds. [8/12/2017 2:16:16 AM] aj: I don't really know what I want out of life.  I have a few things that I need to work towards.  I'm mostly convinced that chasing material wealth Is a trap.  Likewise, I think having knowledge just to flaunt it makes someone an insufferable prick. [8/12/2017 2:16:53 AM] aj: So, mostly what I want to do is avoid becoming a person I hate. [8/12/2017 2:18:02 AM] girl: I think I'm fine even if I'm a trauma freak [8/12/2017 2:18:46 AM] aj: I want to be liked so that people won't think bad of me when I want to spend most of my time alone. [8/12/2017 2:18:49 AM] aj: Which sounds backwards. [8/12/2017 2:18:56 AM] aj: Being liked means not being alone. [8/12/2017 2:19:54 AM] girl: I'm out ofit as fuvk but im reading and I keep wanting tosay that even if you didnt do it right and im messed up from it like i think [8/12/2017 2:20:06 AM] girl: Something much more awful would have happened if you werent there [8/12/2017 2:20:25 AM] girl: im messed up and I really i think like in my sick little body like [8/12/2017 2:20:40 AM] girl: love you for it and for other thinsg im being messy [8/12/2017 2:20:52 AM] girl: messy messy girl [8/12/2017 2:22:03 AM] girl: but you don't have to feel horrible about it if it really hurts sometimes. Because at the end of the day i would have probably hqd a much mor e hoerible time [8/12/2017 2:22:17 AM] girl: I gotta snooze [8/12/2017 2:22:24 AM] aj: Heh. [8/12/2017 2:22:38 AM] aj: That's the fourth time I've cried this year. [8/12/2017 2:23:05 AM] girl: Dummy [8/12/2017 2:23:06 AM] aj: I... try not to make a habit of it. [8/12/2017 2:23:12 AM] girl: Take care od yoruself [8/12/2017 2:23:19 AM] aj: Stupid.  I'm going shortly.  Yeah.  I try. [8/12/2017 2:24:06 AM] girl: Crying? [8/12/2017 2:24:10 AM] aj: You're special to me.  I've always felt bad I couldn't make things perfect for you. [8/12/2017 2:24:36 AM] girl: CN yeah, me too [8/12/2017 2:24:47 AM] girl: I am outaide so i will be gone [8/12/2017 2:24:55 AM] girl: But rhank you [8/12/2017 2:25:01 AM] aj: Bye.  Sleep well. [8/12/2017 2:49:23 AM] girl: Hope u feel special af rn bc i just Fucking hopped on2 my neighbors wifi to tell you goodnight bc i felt rude for saying "CRYING? WELL im outside now bye" [8/12/2017 2:49:59 AM] girl: my ass hurts and i am suffering and doing crimes like STEALINF a good persons wifi [8/12/2017 2:50:01 AM] girl: but [8/12/2017 2:50:32 AM] girl: Goodnight [8/12/2017 2:50:38 AM] girl: For actually this time [8/12/2017 2:50:43 AM] girl: <3 [8/13/2017 9:28:26 PM] girl: lol.... [8/13/2017 9:28:27 PM] girl: um [8/13/2017 9:28:31 PM] girl: next time you're around [8/13/2017 9:28:41 PM] girl: you will be thrilled to hear about the new bullshit my family is pulling looooooollllll [8/13/2017 9:28:47 PM] girl: they are REALLY  cool [8/13/2017 9:29:00 PM] girl: and i am honestly feeling very wrathful all of a sudden [8/13/2017 9:29:11 PM] girl: like, very much so. i don't usually feel this way so i know they deserve it [8/14/2017 2:02:21 AM] girl: also, thank you, for being sweet the other night [8/14/2017 2:02:35 AM] aj: Sorry your family is a bunch of jerks. [8/14/2017 2:02:45 AM] aj: and, it seems you're the one with good timing tonight [8/14/2017 2:02:58 AM] girl: ok you weren't supposed yo pop up ouy of nowhere nlw im flustered [8/14/2017 2:03:09 AM] girl: I said something GAY [8/14/2017 2:03:32 AM] girl: But yeah loooool it was really cool [8/14/2017 2:03:52 AM] aj: Fill me in. [8/14/2017 2:06:17 AM] girl: so they were like trying to get me to like, take custody of my brother or something like a week ago out of no where, and were saying stuff abt how they "dont have room in the house" (because they decided to go for a fourth child, after my brother moved in) even though theyd been planning to fix up their basement for him anyqay (which was not that huge kf a project) [8/14/2017 2:06:28 AM] girl: A few weeks j guess [8/14/2017 2:06:41 AM] girl: And melissa my cousin left this whack ass voice mail [8/14/2017 2:07:29 AM] girl: About how much She loves me and to Take My Time answering her calls when j told her id set up a time to talk with her (and then she never got back to me on a time sooooo) [8/14/2017 2:07:45 AM] girl: And then like jake called me today [8/14/2017 2:07:48 AM] girl: And was like [8/14/2017 2:08:51 AM] girl: "So i guess melissa and casey asked if i was happy here and wherw i would live if i could, and my friends grandma up in Washington said shed be happy to take me, so now im gonna go there and live in Washington" [8/14/2017 2:09:10 AM] girl: And like mind you they dont knoq thwse  people, and didnt contact me at all [8/14/2017 2:10:13 AM] girl: And i called them up like sooo ok guys what's happening lol whats up? You told me id be unfit to take care of my brother and that hed be better off staying in one placw for all four years and now ur just sending him to his friends house? [8/14/2017 2:11:03 AM] girl: And they were like ohhh yeah we had all these good convos about whats best for jake with him and it was like ok. Rigjt. He didn't even know you guys wanted him out of the house til two days ago [8/14/2017 2:11:05 AM] girl: So [8/14/2017 2:11:34 AM] girl: And like not that his friends family isnt. Nice and not thaf i. Dont love them [8/14/2017 2:12:12 AM] girl: But um kind of interesting that u had one convo with the grandma who i know hardly speaks a lick of english and decided he could live there [8/14/2017 2:12:16 AM] girl: AND THEN [8/14/2017 2:12:20 AM] girl: And fucking then [8/14/2017 2:12:23 AM] girl: They were like [8/14/2017 2:13:00 AM] girl: I asked of they wanted him in oregon for summers assuming theyd say yeah bc they dont seem to want my brother anyway lol [8/14/2017 2:13:05 AM] girl: nd they were like no [8/14/2017 2:13:28 AM] girl: And the creepy dad was like Yeah I dont let my kids go out of state without an adult dont feel comfortable [8/14/2017 2:14:19 AM] girl: Like you cunt im his sister, you guys were strangers to him up until last fucking year, you dont want him, and ur sending him to live witg people who are complete strangers to you [8/14/2017 2:14:40 AM] girl: Like DIE Already, literally kill yourselves [8/14/2017 2:14:52 AM] girl: AND HES NOT YOUR KID YOU CREEP [8/14/2017 2:16:27 AM] girl: so that was really cool and i chewed him out on the phone a little bit not enough to get me in trouble but i know he knwos im mad (´ ∀ ` *). Ugly Fucking Bitch. Ugly fucking come down stairs half nude n try to council me while im crying on the couch creep ass bitch. Ugly Ask a 19 year old who dont know u while ur alone in ur car if she sexually active ass bitcg [8/14/2017 2:16:44 AM] girl: Keep a camera in ur living room to keep an eye on Ur Kids Ass Bitch [8/14/2017 2:16:58 AM] girl: anyway the entirety of my extended family is dead to me [8/14/2017 2:17:01 AM] girl: How are you [8/14/2017 2:17:32 AM] aj: I'm doing okay.  Reading all of that makes me wonder why more killings don't happen.  Not to jinx your blood relations or suggest anything to you. [8/14/2017 2:17:49 AM] aj: But that's exactly the sort of creepy that I wonder if it goes on a whole lot everywhere, you know? [8/14/2017 2:18:00 AM] girl: Yeah [8/14/2017 2:18:16 AM] aj: I also sort of just makes me wonder how many people have souls. [8/14/2017 2:18:30 AM] aj: and I generally don't like fielding that question. [8/14/2017 2:18:33 AM] aj: So yeah. [8/14/2017 2:19:39 AM] girl: Theyre disgusting lol... they also seem to be mad at me for making sure my dads 70+ year old sister doesn't embezzle from my sister and brother n mes dumb fucking Dead Daddy Dollars and got melissas mom on my ass abt it lel [8/14/2017 2:19:49 AM] girl: Beatles quote lady [8/14/2017 2:19:53 AM] girl: Its a lot [8/14/2017 2:20:10 AM] girl: Truly what i would call white devils [8/14/2017 2:20:17 AM] aj: Heh [8/14/2017 2:20:42 AM] aj: All the devils in my family died.  But boy did they fuck everything up until the bitter end. [8/14/2017 2:20:52 AM] girl: Poor baby [8/14/2017 2:21:05 AM] aj: Nah, you have it worse. [8/14/2017 2:21:22 AM] girl: You alwys seemed really stressed out about it [8/14/2017 2:21:33 AM] girl: Death Nd money makes people act totally insane [8/14/2017 2:21:39 AM] aj: Yeah. [8/14/2017 2:21:47 AM] aj: My mom, sister, and I get along really well. [8/14/2017 2:21:54 AM] aj: and since we're all that's left, we're good. [8/14/2017 2:22:01 AM] girl: I'm really happy for you [8/14/2017 2:22:31 AM] aj: But death and money are shit.  There's no end to the fuckery that stupid and dishonest people won't get up to in the name of death money. [8/14/2017 2:23:10 AM] girl: Me and my sister met last year and really started talking and I'm rly happy because its cool to have a sister and shes also 38 and still smoking hot so like that really bodes well for half of my genes [8/14/2017 2:23:33 AM] girl: Yeah holy fucking shit [8/14/2017 2:23:54 AM] girl: People are so disgusting about money and death and money [8/14/2017 2:24:03 AM] girl: as im finding the fuck out [8/14/2017 2:24:17 AM] aj: The thing that amazes me is... [8/14/2017 2:24:29 AM] aj: This will sound particularly weird. [8/14/2017 2:24:40 AM] aj: But, it amazes me how easy it is to die, and how fragile people are? [8/14/2017 2:24:53 AM] aj: Like, we talk about how resilient people are and survive all sorts of crazy things? [8/14/2017 2:25:14 AM] aj: Killing someone is fucking easy, from the standpoint of physics alone. [8/14/2017 2:25:22 AM] aj: Not to be an edgelord about it, either. [8/14/2017 2:25:43 AM] girl: Yeah. We're really complete nothings and people die from the flu and heat stroke all the time and biting someone elses flesh off is surprisingly not so hard [8/14/2017 2:25:59 AM] girl: but also: modern medicine [8/14/2017 2:26:05 AM] aj: Sure. [8/14/2017 2:26:43 AM] aj: For a time, our family had to take care of my grandmother. [8/14/2017 2:26:53 AM] aj: Who had Alzheimer's, and couldn't walk. [8/14/2017 2:27:04 AM] aj: Full nine yards.  Showers, diaper changing, feeding.  Moving around. [8/14/2017 2:27:06 AM] aj: All of it. [8/14/2017 2:27:22 AM] aj: I have been in war, and this was more emotionally and physically exhausting. [8/14/2017 2:27:51 AM] aj: I think part of it was that I really disliked her, which took an emotional toll, and that I already very quickly try to not feel if I sense emotion. [8/14/2017 2:27:59 AM] aj: Anyways. [8/14/2017 2:28:35 AM] aj: I say all of this because so many people are just cowards about it all.  They believe they're invincible while wishing for death payouts for others. [8/14/2017 2:28:44 AM] aj: They neither appreciate their own lives nor the lives of others. [8/14/2017 2:29:57 AM] girl: I'm a coward who wishes death upon others sometimes, but im a libra with two dead parents, so i know who deserves it >:) [8/14/2017 2:30:15 AM] aj: Leo/Virgo cusp. [8/14/2017 2:30:34 AM] aj: Well, depends on the chart. [8/14/2017 2:30:44 AM] aj: But it's close enough that I have both sides. [8/14/2017 2:30:51 AM] girl: Fuckinf leos [8/14/2017 2:30:54 AM] aj: and, you know, Gemini Ascendant. [8/14/2017 2:31:00 AM] girl: thats cute [8/14/2017 2:31:03 AM] aj: Pisces Moon, though. <3 [8/14/2017 2:31:40 AM] girl: Most boys i meet are extremely uninterested or pretend to be uninterested in astrology bc they're snotty and its fake [8/14/2017 2:31:53 AM] girl: but whooo cares bitch im a fucking libra [8/14/2017 2:32:01 AM] aj: I know my stuff because it makes tarot easier. [8/14/2017 2:32:17 AM] aj: Though, I never do stuff for myself, and since I was about to move, I have no idea where the fuck my cards are. [8/14/2017 2:32:21 AM] girl: thats so cute... [8/14/2017 2:32:39 AM] aj: and, in my case, at least my rising sign makes a lot of sense. [8/14/2017 2:33:20 AM] girl: i have doreen virtues guardian angel cards and i dont use them much but when i need randomized card picking to tell me something nice ill play withthem [8/14/2017 2:33:36 AM] aj: Cute [8/14/2017 2:33:42 AM] girl: theyre so pretty [8/14/2017 2:34:46 AM] girl: i met a lady on the bus And at tge library who is obsessed with them and angels and told me all kinds of thinhs abt her relationship with angels and the earth and her name was sherry but her fucking um angel name she said was SHERIEL god i loved her [8/14/2017 2:34:52 AM] girl: I LOVE crazy old people [8/14/2017 2:35:26 AM] aj: Maaaaaaaaaaaan, on one hand that's cute and harmless [8/14/2017 2:35:41 AM] aj: On the other hand, the angels in like, the Bible?  THEY ARE SCARY AS SHIT [8/14/2017 2:35:49 AM] aj: Whenever they appear to deliver a message [8/14/2017 2:35:54 AM] aj: the first thing they have to say? [8/14/2017 2:35:55 AM] aj: is like [8/14/2017 2:35:59 AM] aj: "DO NOT BE AFRAID" [8/14/2017 2:36:17 AM] aj: Because whomever the message is meant for is pissing themselves and on hands and knees like right fucking now [8/14/2017 2:36:39 AM] girl: LOL i know its so nuts. She was too sweet and told me she asked god for an angel but he sent her a cougar chaser instead and she said thats not the angel i want god bit thank you [8/14/2017 2:36:42 AM] aj: and hoping this crazy fiery being isn't about to unleash ten thousand levels of burny ancient godly wrath hurt on them [8/14/2017 2:36:48 AM] girl: loool Youre so cute [8/14/2017 2:37:08 AM] aj: I like a world where angels are scary as fuck. [8/14/2017 2:37:19 AM] aj: It appeals to my personal aesthetics. [8/14/2017 2:37:40 AM] girl: I always draw christian god as a cross between a big grub and a deformed big headed human baby [8/14/2017 2:38:07 AM] girl: ari too. He loves to read the bible for Fun [8/14/2017 2:38:17 AM] aj: White wings and tunics and harps and shitty daytime shows "I am an angel" stuff is fine for people who actually emotionally resonate with everything Hallmark has ever done. [8/14/2017 2:38:42 AM] aj: But I want like, Scary ass angels that convey how utterly terrifying God is if God uses them as his messenger bitches. [8/14/2017 2:39:16 AM] girl: pff [8/14/2017 2:39:18 AM] aj: it makes God more than something we talk to when we fuck up and feel bad about it and if you totes bail us out of this one, we'll repent [8/14/2017 2:39:43 AM] girl: i like to think of christian god as a pathetic worm [8/14/2017 2:40:31 AM] girl: also, do you just like tarot for fun or are you a con artist? [8/14/2017 2:40:43 AM] aj: I just don't really understand the difference between Old Testament God and New Testament God. [8/14/2017 2:40:49 AM] aj: Fun. [8/14/2017 2:40:59 AM] girl: Jew / not jew idk [8/14/2017 2:41:07 AM] aj: I don't really need cards to con people. [8/14/2017 2:41:12 AM] girl: Thats kind of cute [8/14/2017 2:41:20 AM] girl: Well, its a good way to con people [8/14/2017 2:41:22 AM] aj: I like the symbolism on them [8/14/2017 2:41:27 AM] aj: For instance! [8/14/2017 2:41:31 AM] aj: The Devil card. [8/14/2017 2:41:37 AM] aj: I have a Rider-Waite deck. [8/14/2017 2:41:56 AM] girl: im a virgo rising/capricorn moon which is honestly retarded i want to be a triple threat libra but whatever [8/14/2017 2:42:09 AM] aj: https://gfx.tarot.com/images/site/decks/rider/full_size/15.jpg [8/14/2017 2:42:24 AM] aj: So like, that thing.  Everyone is like "Ooooh, Devil, scary" [8/14/2017 2:42:30 AM] aj: I was looking at it one day and realized [8/14/2017 2:42:36 AM] aj: The chains around the man and woman? [8/14/2017 2:42:55 AM] aj: THE CHAINS AROUND THEIR NECKS ARE LOOSE ENOUGH FOR THEM TO SLIP THAT SHIT [8/14/2017 2:42:59 AM] aj: See? [8/14/2017 2:43:17 AM] aj: So like, the only reason they're stuck is because they're fucking stupid [8/14/2017 2:43:56 AM] girl: The Devil is the cheese card crust punks get tattooed on them same w death [8/14/2017 2:44:05 AM] aj: Right? [8/14/2017 2:44:08 AM] girl: But ari rly likes it. Cheese ass bitch [8/14/2017 2:44:24 AM] aj: Like, asshole, you wanna be edgy and metal, tattoo the four and ten of swords on you. [8/14/2017 2:44:31 AM] aj: Or Hanged Man, or The Tower. [8/14/2017 2:44:40 AM] aj: Death and The Devil are lame. [8/14/2017 2:45:02 AM] girl: I designed an empress tattoo w me as the empress and my cats in the foreground ... I wanted strength originally buyuUuuUt idk... [8/14/2017 2:45:16 AM] aj: Strength is weird. [8/14/2017 2:45:30 AM] girl: strength / star / moon / sun / wmoress are mt favorite cards [8/14/2017 2:45:37 AM] aj: One day I'll understand the symbolism better, but I don't get it right now. [8/14/2017 2:46:18 AM] girl: The tower is scary. LOL.. i want lisa frank n sanrio cards [8/14/2017 2:47:04 AM] aj: Magician, Emperor, Lovers, The World, High Priestess [8/14/2017 2:47:19 AM] aj: Are the ones I particularly like. [8/14/2017 2:47:29 AM] girl: cute... the fool too [8/14/2017 2:48:02 AM] girl: I feel like this is the most casually we've spoken in years [8/14/2017 2:48:27 AM] aj: I mean, this latest string of conversations has given me that feeling. [8/14/2017 2:48:31 AM] aj: But yeah. [8/14/2017 2:48:31 AM] girl: i feel happy about it. I hope it doesn't make me Bad to be [8/14/2017 2:48:32 AM] aj: Agreed. [8/14/2017 2:48:43 AM] aj: Nah.  I'm happy with it. [8/14/2017 2:48:54 AM] aj: I don't think it's bad.  It's probably better than a lot of other options. [8/14/2017 2:49:00 AM] girl: yeah [8/14/2017 2:49:43 AM] girl: I'm sorry I'm kind of weird and bad. And complicated [8/14/2017 2:50:57 AM] girl: I didnt think it still would or that it would matter [8/14/2017 2:52:04 AM] girl: but I'm really happy that you seem so relaxed, or like, i feel less worried, or something. I didnt realize too much i was worried [8/14/2017 2:52:28 AM] girl: but now that im less i know that i was [8/14/2017 2:53:47 AM] aj: Mm, I've had to let go of a lot of things.  I've had to be responsible for a lot of stuff, too.  A lot of the hate and resentment I had on things in my own life just sort of burned out. [8/14/2017 2:54:30 AM] aj: I realized that it doesn't take much for me to be happy with my life, and that made things pretty easy. [8/14/2017 2:55:20 AM] aj: Deep down, I think that I'm still a baby on a lot of things. [8/14/2017 2:55:34 AM] aj: I still bruise really easily. [8/14/2017 2:56:03 AM] aj: I think that's just my fate, though, so it's easier to just deal with that aspect of things. [8/14/2017 2:56:58 AM] girl: I think i can relate to that sort of, maybe not in the same way. [8/14/2017 2:58:07 AM] girl: Losing both of my parents made me realize just how little excitement i want or need in my life, and how much i would love to be a simple farm girl with two goats a dog my cats and a little basket of raspberries [8/14/2017 2:58:12 AM] girl: Chickens too [8/14/2017 2:59:03 AM] girl: It really... idk [8/14/2017 3:00:04 AM] girl: I'll probably always worry about you a little and theres all kinds of reasons for that, many of them being bc im a fucking crybaby freak with ablot of anxiety [8/14/2017 3:00:44 AM] girl: but even though i said to myself many times that i shouldnt i dot think im unhappy that i talked to you as much as i did [8/14/2017 3:01:32 AM] girl: it really eases me when you're around. i know its weird and crwzygirl of me [8/14/2017 3:02:22 AM] aj: Loss puts a lot in perspective.  We lost different things, but the refocusing and new perspectives are similar.  I get you. [8/14/2017 3:03:31 AM] aj: I'm relaxed around you, which is nice.  It's also why I'll talk with you more often.  For a long time I thought it was impossible to be relaxed around you, so this is a nice change. [8/14/2017 3:03:57 AM] aj: I'll always worry about you, because you had a shit hand dealt to you, and because whatever else you are, you're real with me. [8/14/2017 3:04:18 AM] aj: Even if it wasn't right, you gave something of yourself to me. [8/14/2017 3:04:46 AM] aj: and so I feel responsible for some degree with how things go for you.  Or at least concerned.  It's complicated. [8/14/2017 3:05:04 AM] girl: pats your face [8/14/2017 3:05:42 AM] girl: I'm a hot fucking mess [8/14/2017 3:06:52 AM] girl: I appreciate it [8/14/2017 3:08:32 AM] girl: i kindof knew my dad was gonna die so i put aside everything i felt about how he had been unkind to me for a lot of mt life and tried to make things good and right. Its not all good and right and i still have a dead dad but im glad I fixed what i could and im glad we talked about things and im glad he didnt leave thinking i hated him [8/14/2017 3:08:41 AM] girl: Its not the same with you [8/14/2017 3:08:58 AM] girl: Because youre not an angry 68 year old man [8/14/2017 3:09:14 AM] girl: and i dont want to kiss my dad like that and never have [8/14/2017 3:09:21 AM] girl: but [8/14/2017 3:10:06 AM] girl: i think because of who i am as A crybaby and as a Sad Traumatized girl im much happier this way than telling you to fuck off and never talking to you again [8/14/2017 3:10:31 AM] aj: I can understand that. [8/14/2017 3:11:01 AM] girl: Hashtag over sharing [8/14/2017 3:11:18 AM] aj: In my case... mmm... [8/14/2017 3:11:38 AM] aj: I've realized my emotional spectrum, and what impacts me and what doesn't [8/14/2017 3:11:49 AM] aj: is usually vastly different from most people I've met or encounter. [8/14/2017 3:12:07 AM] aj: Even being vulnerable, which still takes work. [8/14/2017 3:12:49 AM] aj: Being aware of this difference makes me feel lonely sometimes. [8/14/2017 3:13:11 AM] aj: So does being aware of how easily persuasion methods and other bullshit mental stuff work in shaping opinions of people. [8/14/2017 3:13:41 AM] aj: I did too much reading and looking in to things that isolated me, in a lot of ways.  I still have friends.  I'm still able to be happy. [8/14/2017 3:14:20 AM] aj: You were one of the last people I connected with, for better or worse, before my life got vastly more fucked up [8/14/2017 3:14:35 AM] aj: and before I learned to put into words and theories all of my discomforts and loneliness. [8/14/2017 3:14:57 AM] aj: You got a glimpse of that portion of me before I had it mapped out. [8/14/2017 3:16:38 AM] aj: and because of that, you have access to a part of me I can't even give anymore. [8/14/2017 3:18:40 AM] girl: I really missed you a lot. You were my favorite person on the planet for a really long time. Lol my fridge just started making noise and it made me scared [8/14/2017 3:18:46 AM] girl: um [8/14/2017 3:19:24 AM] girl: Idk. I know trauma bonding is real andthat im kind of fucked up and that all the healthy people in my life would look at me with judgement and worry [8/14/2017 3:20:02 AM] girl: but i feel really so much better sometimes knowing youre alright and that i can still talk to you [8/14/2017 3:20:10 AM] aj: The hardest truth I had to face was that all of my close bonds are trauma bonds.  All of my past relationships.  Family.  Navy. [8/14/2017 3:20:23 AM] aj: So, all of my conceptions of closeness are polluted with that. [8/14/2017 3:21:44 AM] aj: In the case of you.  I'm happy when things seem okay or looking good for you. [8/14/2017 3:21:47 AM] aj: You deserve that. [8/14/2017 3:23:06 AM] aj: I guess that's all there is to say, really. [8/14/2017 3:23:20 AM] aj: I gave you something I can't give anymore. [8/14/2017 3:23:31 AM] aj: I literally don't think that closeness is in me anymore. [8/14/2017 3:23:40 AM] aj: I can't feel it. [8/14/2017 3:25:59 AM] girl: I hope you end up okay and with people you love regardless, the only time i think I've Really understood at all the feeling of not being close to anyone was when i was like a suicidal hermit, so ive never really understood how functioning people can feel that way and it makes me worry [8/14/2017 3:26:37 AM] girl: It's unfair that trauma when you're little makes you gravitate towards it later on [8/14/2017 3:26:55 AM] girl: i wish that nothing sad or horrible ever happened to you [8/14/2017 3:27:12 AM] aj: I would have managed to somehow be even more of an asshole if that were the case. [8/14/2017 3:27:21 AM] aj: Or at least a lot less smart or wise. [8/14/2017 3:27:26 AM] girl: Hah [8/14/2017 3:27:39 AM] aj: So I can't say I resent my life. [8/14/2017 3:27:47 AM] girl: Who cares about being smart or wise. I want to be a stupid girl on a farm forever [8/14/2017 3:28:03 AM] aj:  /headpats [8/14/2017 3:28:18 AM] girl: that makes me flustered [8/14/2017 3:29:07 AM] aj: You know how dogs are wonderful? [8/14/2017 3:29:16 AM] aj: They sit at your feet, and look at how you move? [8/14/2017 3:29:31 AM] aj: Every last motion you make, they're paying attention, trying to discern your desires. [8/14/2017 3:29:42 AM] aj: But they have fuzz for brains and they're goofy and cute [8/14/2017 3:29:46 AM] aj: but they try. [8/14/2017 3:29:52 AM] aj: But in the end, they're dogs. [8/14/2017 3:30:17 AM] girl: I want to be a dog [8/14/2017 3:30:33 AM] aj: I try to connect with people, but when I open up, some just get so impressed or fall under my spell or something. [8/14/2017 3:30:55 AM] aj: and then it feels like that, and it's hard to connect and feel it is meaningful. [8/14/2017 3:31:07 AM] aj: and this is with people that I feel like I could have a good closeness to. [8/14/2017 3:31:44 AM] aj: I don't want to be pleased.  I just want someone next to me.  A human. [8/14/2017 3:34:42 AM] girl: Maybe you have to be a dog too... but its hard to fawn over someone you dont feel fawnful for. I feel exceptionally loved and satisfied when people pay attention to my needs and remember things i like and say honest and nice things to me. So it's not very hard for me to feel like i love other people and am close to them, unless they are rude men, or woefully autistic in a way that clashes with my "ive been abused so my body deliberately makes it hardto tell if im uncomfortable unless youre looking for it" [8/14/2017 3:35:08 AM] girl: I don't know... [8/14/2017 3:35:58 AM] aj: Maybe.  I'll figure something out. [8/14/2017 3:36:06 AM] girl: it seems like telling people not to fawn you would just make them fawn you more, huh [8/14/2017 3:36:15 AM] aj: Usually. [8/14/2017 3:36:23 AM] aj: and saying it like that is rude. [8/14/2017 3:37:43 AM] girl: i dont relate to whatyou said about dogs. When i look at a dog in the eyes and lay on the floor and get licked in the face i become a dog too. Love for a dog transcends this garbage body [8/14/2017 3:38:01 AM] aj: I love actual dogs. [8/14/2017 3:38:06 AM] aj: Because they're actual dogs. [8/14/2017 3:38:26 AM] aj: But people who act that way, at best I already like them, and then it works okay. [8/14/2017 3:39:33 AM] girl: I'm trying to figure out whats different from how you are charming and how i am charming [8/14/2017 3:39:53 AM] girl: Because i feel like i know what you mean when you speak of dog people [8/14/2017 3:40:15 AM] girl: but I don't know why i can love dog people some and you can't love dog people some [8/14/2017 3:41:22 AM] girl: and i come with no shortage of charm, and it seems to me like you talk to me like ive learned to talk to other people, that is, you talk a lot about how you relate to things i say, which really seems to give folks a friendship boner [8/14/2017 3:41:27 AM] girl: for whatever reason [8/14/2017 3:41:38 AM] girl: But i dont know... [8/14/2017 3:42:28 AM] aj: For me, it's like. [8/14/2017 3:42:35 AM] aj: Maybe I'll pick a gesture [8/14/2017 3:42:38 AM] aj: and do that gesture. [8/14/2017 3:42:48 AM] aj: A week or two, and that person is also doing that gesture. [8/14/2017 3:42:56 AM] aj: Same with verbal tics. [8/14/2017 3:43:06 AM] aj: All little stuff.  We all take from each other. [8/14/2017 3:43:08 AM] aj: That's normal. [8/14/2017 3:43:29 AM] aj: But, it's when people feel I can understand them.  They ask advice, or my thoughts. [8/14/2017 3:43:42 AM] aj: and nowadays, I'm careful to just answer the questions they want answered. [8/14/2017 3:43:50 AM] aj: Rather than give opinions carte blanche [8/14/2017 3:43:58 AM] aj: Because it's less likely to generate the dog-response. [8/14/2017 3:45:05 AM] girl: Mmm... you seem to know what to say a lot of the times, in a way that is both not horrifically offensive or overly kiss ass-y [8/14/2017 3:45:16 AM] aj: Mostly that. [8/14/2017 3:45:54 AM] girl: Useful without being too blunt i think and kind without just giving me asspats. Lots of people give asspats and the internet will tell you most things you need to hear [8/14/2017 3:46:01 AM] girl: you're special at it [8/14/2017 3:46:23 AM] aj: For me, it's like... you know cracks or fault lines?  If I talk with someone for a short while, I can get a feeling of where the faults and cracks they have are. [8/14/2017 3:46:47 AM] aj: I had one person who was a friend of a friend just think not much of me [8/14/2017 3:46:59 AM] aj: Until I just made a few very specific observations about him. [8/14/2017 3:47:03 AM] aj: Deep-level stuff. [8/14/2017 3:47:16 AM] aj: and he realized that not only was I observing the entire time, but that he couldn't read me. [8/14/2017 3:47:31 AM] aj: Or that whatever faults I had, he couldn't generate leverage from. [8/14/2017 3:47:42 AM] aj: He felt powerless. [8/14/2017 3:50:06 AM] girl: Maybe dog like people want to understand you too? I don't know. It's flattering and uncomfortable all at once to be said something to like that... and also exciting a little i think. I think i can be a dog girl but it's kind of rare and I'm mostly a dog girl when i want to be adored and not when i want to connect or talk with people or be taken seriously [8/14/2017 3:50:18 AM] girl: Hard to get in the heads of dog people... [8/14/2017 3:50:59 AM] girl: Does he like you or hate you? [8/14/2017 3:51:05 AM] aj: Both. [8/14/2017 3:51:12 AM] girl: Hahahahahahahhaha [8/14/2017 3:51:19 AM] aj: Lots of how I am, how I read people, how laid back I am.  He likes that. [8/14/2017 3:51:28 AM] aj: He hates that he's so vulnerable around me. [8/14/2017 3:51:52 AM] aj: and that if I really felt like it, I could probably just say the right things that would crack him.  Mental stuff. [8/14/2017 3:51:59 AM] aj: Which is partially true. [8/14/2017 3:52:09 AM] aj: and, he also hates that he can't do that back to me. [8/14/2017 3:52:34 AM] girl: sounds like sexually tense gay erotica [8/14/2017 3:52:42 AM] aj: lmao [8/14/2017 3:53:00 AM] aj: Nah, I don't get that vibe off him. [8/14/2017 3:53:03 AM] girl: I would know cause i read (past tense) lots of that stuff [8/14/2017 3:53:43 AM] aj: But yeah, like, the biggest thing that makes it hard for me to be adored is that it's a lot of work. [8/14/2017 3:53:56 AM] aj: I feel responsible to be the person that people who adore me think I am. [8/14/2017 3:54:02 AM] aj: and that's a lot of bullshit to deal with. [8/14/2017 3:56:57 AM] girl: You can say that stuff, you know. In private mostly. You dony even have to say it to anybodys face, but i think you really do have yo be vulnerable there to be closer. And you have to do it voluntarily, because people who think youre cool don't know you're just a different kind of lame. I don't do it often with real dog people i dony like, like weeaboos who think im their token jap or loser girls who want me to be their daddy (though i will be their friend just not their daddy), but most people i like are worth knocking myself down a couple of pegs for and showing my horrible soft insides to [8/14/2017 3:57:12 AM] girl: I know your insides are less horrible and soft so your mileage may vary [8/14/2017 3:57:42 AM] girl: I don't think it has to be a feelings festival either if you don't want it to be [8/14/2017 3:57:47 AM] girl: but youre hard to read [8/14/2017 3:58:04 AM] girl: and sometimes you just have to tell people exactly what you want a few times [8/14/2017 3:58:28 AM] girl: I was very dog girl for you [8/14/2017 3:58:45 AM] aj: See,  but I was also dog for you. [8/14/2017 3:58:51 AM] aj: I'm fine if it's mutual dog. [8/14/2017 3:59:26 AM] girl: be dog for other people you like sometimes maybe [8/14/2017 3:59:32 AM] girl: hah [8/14/2017 3:59:44 AM] aj: Haven't felt it.  So, yeah. [8/14/2017 4:00:06 AM] girl: i wish i had known that you know,  or that i was the kind of person to take advantage of it... should have been much brattier [8/14/2017 4:00:35 AM] aj: See, even when I'm honest with my feelings, people think there's more. [8/14/2017 4:00:41 AM] aj: Or that I'm complicated. [8/14/2017 4:00:55 AM] aj: I am super simple. [8/14/2017 4:01:00 AM] girl: i dont know what made me want to have friends again. I think i just faked it til i maked it. Idk what would work for you. [8/14/2017 4:01:04 AM] girl: Not true [8/14/2017 4:01:05 AM] aj: Which is probably why I am hard to figure out. [8/14/2017 4:02:02 AM] girl: You're a lot less needy and outwardly selfish than most people which is honestly very complicated and doesnt make a lot of sense to me. Most people are much brattier including me [8/14/2017 4:03:10 AM] girl: Maybe its not that you're complicated but that you make other people feel complicated?... like you're just weird and puzzling and strange [8/14/2017 4:03:29 AM] girl: you're definitely not as impulsive as most people [8/14/2017 4:04:35 AM] girl: Weird weird weird... [8/14/2017 4:04:53 AM] aj: From my perspective, it feels like many people needlessly complicate their lives. [8/14/2017 4:04:58 AM] aj: I might point out something small. [8/14/2017 4:05:05 AM] aj: and they look at me like I'm an alien. [8/14/2017 4:05:16 AM] aj: But then they think about it and figure there's something to what I said. [8/14/2017 4:07:25 AM] aj: I remember one time I spent about a half hour talking about hummingbirds with a girl I had no interest in.  But this was like, the first time she had had a talk with someone that wasn't stupid or just a conversation to get something from her. [8/14/2017 4:08:00 AM] aj: She was just the first person I ran into that I sorta knew, and there were some cool hummingbirds where I was reading before I left that spot. [8/14/2017 4:08:27 AM] aj: and for like, a solid two weeks, she puppy-dog followed me. [8/14/2017 4:11:14 AM] girl: It's nice to talk like that I think... I don't know. Sometimes you come across as very selfless or very unconcerned with things that don't fucking matter. Caring about things that dont fucking matter is a very annoying and stressful quality a lot of people seem to have that you seldom exhibit [8/14/2017 4:11:23 AM] girl: its refreshing i guess [8/14/2017 4:11:35 AM] girl: im not sucking your dick when i say youre special [8/14/2017 4:11:44 AM] aj: I know. [8/14/2017 4:11:56 AM] aj: The sexual tension between us is different when you're being a tease. [8/14/2017 4:12:09 AM] girl: dont point it out [8/14/2017 4:12:15 AM] girl: that's embarrassing [8/14/2017 4:12:45 AM] aj: Sometimes I like it.  It's complicated.  Anyways. [8/14/2017 4:12:57 AM] girl: idiot [8/14/2017 4:13:16 AM] aj: See? [8/14/2017 4:13:20 AM] aj: It's that tension, right there. [8/14/2017 4:13:40 AM] girl: Yes aj i know about it [8/14/2017 4:14:03 AM] aj: I have the smuggest smirk I can manage. [8/14/2017 4:14:12 AM] girl: Shut the fuck up oh my god [8/14/2017 4:14:37 AM] aj: I appreciate your observations.  I guess that's something I forget. [8/14/2017 4:14:55 AM] aj: A lot of shit doesn't matter to me.  Caring about it takes a lot of energy, and I'm lazy. [8/14/2017 4:15:04 AM] aj: and besides, why bother?  It leads nowhere. [8/14/2017 4:15:14 AM] girl: It's still refreshing [8/14/2017 4:15:53 AM] girl: I think a lot of people need someone who feels like things are ultimately going to be okay with everything and that nothing matters and that its okay to do what the fuck ever [8/14/2017 4:18:08 AM] girl: I might be projecting a bit here or even just bragging but honestly people love me when i am very open and accepting of self serving and slothful behavior instead of lying and saying no one is self serving or slothful and i think people like that a lot because lots of people lie and pretend to be all sorts of fake things they arent and that it would be pointless to be [8/14/2017 4:18:23 AM] girl: Not that it has much to do with the conversation you had with that girl [8/14/2017 4:19:31 AM] girl: But you're relaxing and comforting sometimes in how much you seem pretty much fine with most things that you cant change [8/14/2017 4:20:04 AM] girl: i know im making only half sense but I hope its enough to get across what im saying [8/14/2017 4:20:11 AM] aj: I mean, I have lots of opinions on things, but like, I'm just one person.  I know how temporary things are.  I get you. [8/14/2017 4:20:15 AM] girl: Its 420 dude [8/14/2017 4:20:19 AM] aj: In your case, you're very accepting. [8/14/2017 4:20:27 AM] girl: hits the bong [8/14/2017 4:20:31 AM] aj: Enabling, probably. [8/14/2017 4:20:39 AM] girl: Absolutely [8/14/2017 4:20:42 AM] aj: But I think what people like is that you mean well. [8/14/2017 4:20:58 AM] aj: Even if you're being a self-serving and spoiled princess about it. [8/14/2017 4:21:03 AM] aj: You mean well. [8/14/2017 4:21:08 AM] girl: im a total peace of shit and i encourage pos behavior in others [8/14/2017 4:21:14 AM] girl: Yes i am a princess [8/14/2017 4:21:21 AM] girl: Thank you for noticing [8/14/2017 4:21:50 AM] aj: You act like I don't just playfully deny it because telling you I honestly think you're a princess would fluster you. [8/14/2017 4:22:06 AM] aj: I do both of us favors. [8/14/2017 4:22:25 AM] girl: It would not [8/14/2017 4:22:39 AM] aj: Took you long enough. [8/14/2017 4:22:47 AM] girl: Shut up? [8/14/2017 4:22:53 AM] girl: Die? [8/14/2017 4:22:58 AM] aj: Okay, princess~ [8/14/2017 4:23:05 AM] girl: OKAY [8/14/2017 4:23:12 AM] girl: fair ENOUGH [8/14/2017 4:24:10 AM] aj: I'm glad you're seeing how difficult my position is. [8/14/2017 4:24:15 AM] girl: Fucking flirt [8/14/2017 4:24:37 AM] aj: Just being honest. [8/14/2017 4:24:42 AM] girl: right [8/14/2017 4:26:01 AM] girl: You even did it just now, I mean, say something about how selfish and bratty i am but somehow make me not feel so bad about it at all because it doesnt feel like you care or think its horrible of me [8/14/2017 4:26:12 AM] girl: i think most people cant pull that off [8/14/2017 4:26:34 AM] girl: It's impressive i think [8/14/2017 4:26:54 AM] aj: People overcomplicate simple shit, and then fail to recognize the actual complicated parts. [8/14/2017 4:27:29 AM] aj: You love being spoiled.  Even if it's bad for you.  So you're accepting of others, even if they might need something stern said to them.  You love how you want to be loved. [8/14/2017 4:27:50 AM] aj: The important thing to focus on is that you do honestly care. [8/14/2017 4:28:02 AM] aj: Nobody's an angel.  You demand to be called princess, not angel. [8/14/2017 4:28:10 AM] aj: and besides, angels are scary fucks. [8/14/2017 4:28:42 AM] girl: Too many eyes [8/14/2017 4:28:49 AM] aj: and really, with how stupid and judgemental-over-the-wrong-things people are [8/14/2017 4:28:57 AM] aj: being overly accepting isn't so bad [8/14/2017 4:29:22 AM] girl: I like talking to you like this when i hate myself less than i did a few years ago. [8/14/2017 4:29:27 AM] girl: A lot [8/14/2017 4:29:43 AM] girl: I'm still having a pretty good time but im so much less stressed out [8/14/2017 4:30:08 AM] girl: I mean im always at a baseline of "at least a little stressed out" [8/14/2017 4:30:33 AM] girl: but its so different on my end, and the same too, but different [8/14/2017 4:31:28 AM] girl: I think being overly accepting is what makes me less afraid of people and more willing to help others and gets me into lots of situations where i sit down and talk to people and hear things i wouldnt hear if they were scared id judge them [8/14/2017 4:32:20 AM] girl: I judge them anyway but not where they can hear me lol. Bc i think gossip is healthy and helps process things [8/14/2017 4:33:55 AM] girl: And I think fighting people who are on your side is stupid [8/14/2017 4:35:34 AM] aj: Hmm.  Yeah, I can see that working, especially for you.  I think people find you to be good to vent to. [8/14/2017 4:35:47 AM] girl: I'm still probably dog girl for you but I'm not so scared of everything or that youll hate me for some stupid reason or anything . Makes me feel Happier [8/14/2017 4:35:56 AM] aj: Even I feel comfortable sharing with you.  History and tension notwithstanding. [8/14/2017 4:36:13 AM] girl: Hahahahha [8/14/2017 4:36:44 AM] girl: It's special to be shared with [8/14/2017 4:37:02 AM] girl: Usually i try to treat it like treasures someone handed me [8/14/2017 4:38:41 AM] girl: “They’re like baseball bats,” said David Gombas, vice president of the Center for Development of Research Policy and New Technologies at the National Food Processors Association (they could really use a shorter name). “But once [the carrots] go through the cooking process, they come out looking like the small young ones that you'd put into your soup.” [8/14/2017 4:38:49 AM] girl: i clickbait [8/14/2017 4:38:59 AM] girl: Enormous carrots [8/14/2017 4:39:08 AM] girl: Like baseball bats he says [8/14/2017 4:39:22 AM] aj: I didn't know you stayed flustered for so long. [8/14/2017 4:41:18 AM] girl: shut up [8/14/2017 4:41:26 AM] girl: what is yhat even supposed to mean [8/14/2017 4:41:57 AM] girl: i hate you [8/14/2017 4:42:10 AM] aj: Mhm. [8/14/2017 4:42:18 AM] girl: dont fucking mhm me [8/14/2017 4:42:33 AM] aj: I was agreeing with you. [8/14/2017 4:42:39 AM] aj: You like when I do that, remember? [8/14/2017 4:42:54 AM] girl: You're suhc a FUCKER [8/14/2017 4:43:10 AM] girl: youre the worst. youre the absolute worst [8/14/2017 4:43:19 AM] aj: Mhm. [8/14/2017 4:43:32 AM] girl: How could you even fucking say im a tease when youre like THIS [8/14/2017 4:43:50 AM] girl: like [8/14/2017 4:44:01 AM] girl: Excuse you???? [8/14/2017 4:44:24 AM] aj: Did you want an answer? [8/14/2017 4:44:32 AM] girl: Yes!!! [8/14/2017 4:44:41 AM] aj: Because you are a tease. [8/14/2017 4:44:51 AM] aj: That's how I can say it. [8/14/2017 4:45:43 AM] girl: Okay well thats retarded of you and no im not [8/14/2017 4:46:09 AM] girl: I like, hardly flirt, like honestly just a smallest bit, I'm honestly not nearly as bad as you [8/14/2017 4:46:44 AM] girl: honestly im good and do good, honestly, i deserve awards for it [8/14/2017 4:46:58 AM] aj: You sure do, princess. [8/14/2017 4:47:45 AM] girl: Oh my god [8/14/2017 4:47:51 AM] girl: Aj!!! [8/14/2017 4:48:02 AM] aj: Hm? [8/14/2017 4:48:09 AM] aj: What's wrong? [8/14/2017 4:48:49 AM] girl: That's not funny!! You know i think you're you know fucking WHAT and its not nice to tease me even if i am cute [8/14/2017 4:49:28 AM] girl: I do my best every day and i do NOT tease you [8/14/2017 4:49:42 AM] girl: I'm Professional [8/14/2017 4:49:55 AM] aj: Uh huh. [8/14/2017 4:50:19 AM] girl: Oh my god [8/14/2017 4:50:22 AM] aj: More seriously, I have to walk a lot of lines you don't. [8/14/2017 4:50:54 AM] aj: and besides, you're having fun. [8/14/2017 4:51:20 AM] girl: Of course i am, but that doesn't mean you're not mean and horrible [8/14/2017 4:51:42 AM] aj: Me being mean and horrible was never in question.  Of course I'm mean and horrible. [8/14/2017 4:51:50 AM] aj: I thought we went over that. [8/14/2017 4:51:50 AM] girl: like honestly if you don't think I'm struggling you truly are not paying any attention [8/14/2017 4:52:21 AM] girl: i thought. I was doing. A good job [8/14/2017 4:52:40 AM] aj: You were, which is why I gave you some things you like. [8/14/2017 4:52:44 AM] aj: Like calling you Princess. [8/14/2017 4:53:04 AM] aj: You're the one calling me a tease and stuff, and I feel so attacked. [8/14/2017 4:53:30 AM] aj: You beg to be spoiled, and when I actually do it, I get this. [8/14/2017 4:53:35 AM] girl: You are a fycking tease and you called me it first [8/14/2017 4:53:42 AM] girl: I didnt beg for anything! [8/14/2017 4:54:12 AM] aj: and, of course I did [8/14/2017 4:54:18 AM] aj: Because you are one. [8/14/2017 4:54:35 AM] aj: You're overcomplicating this. [8/14/2017 4:54:36 AM] girl: How!!! [8/14/2017 4:55:17 AM] girl: Excuse me I'm not good at simplifying my attraction to you [8/14/2017 4:55:28 AM] girl: myyyy damnnn badddd 9____9 [8/14/2017 4:55:31 AM] aj: That's fair. [8/14/2017 4:55:38 AM] aj:  /headpats [8/14/2017 4:55:53 AM] girl: Don't headpat me [8/14/2017 4:56:07 AM] aj: Just now, or never again? [8/14/2017 4:56:07 AM] girl: you deserve scorn and cold shoulders [8/14/2017 4:56:18 AM] girl: id be sad if you never did it again [8/14/2017 4:56:22 AM] girl: so [8/14/2017 4:56:33 AM] aj: Oh, okay then. [8/14/2017 4:56:36 AM] aj:  /headpats [8/14/2017 4:56:41 AM] aj: I don't want you to be sad. [8/14/2017 4:57:05 AM] girl: and you made me say it [8/14/2017 4:57:11 AM] girl: which is really rude [8/14/2017 4:57:51 AM] girl: put, my elephant, back in the closet, where she belongs [8/14/2017 4:58:57 AM] aj: See, I have to balance all sorts of different considerations. [8/14/2017 4:59:06 AM] aj: Whenever I give you what you want. [8/14/2017 4:59:21 AM] girl: What do you mean? [8/14/2017 4:59:46 AM] aj: I can't spoil you without this sort of conversation happening. [8/14/2017 4:59:55 AM] aj: But if I don't spoil you, you also get pouty. [8/14/2017 5:00:05 AM] girl: I don't get pouty [8/14/2017 5:00:37 AM] aj: At the very minimum, whenever you demand to be spoiled, and I don't [8/14/2017 5:00:41 AM] aj: you then press for it more. [8/14/2017 5:00:59 AM] girl: I wasn't doing that just now, was i? [8/14/2017 5:01:35 AM] girl: also, it's my nature and I can't help that i need to be spoiled all the time [8/14/2017 5:01:53 AM] girl: I'm a very rotten girl [8/14/2017 5:02:36 AM] aj: I like how you shift from "I didn't ask for it this time" to "Even when I do ask for it, it's just my nature, don't judge me." [8/14/2017 5:02:52 AM] aj: I don't mind you wanting to be spoiled a lot. [8/14/2017 5:03:03 AM] aj: You do it in a cute way. [8/14/2017 5:03:15 AM] girl: God [8/14/2017 5:03:34 AM] girl: You're making me blush lol cool [8/14/2017 5:04:12 AM] aj: Really, all that shift tells me is that you just constantly want to be spoiled. [8/14/2017 5:04:15 AM] aj: Even when not asking for it. [8/14/2017 5:04:18 AM] aj: Which means. [8/14/2017 5:04:31 AM] aj: Where's the problem when I spoil you, even if you don't ask for it? [8/14/2017 5:04:55 AM] girl: I guess there isn't a fuckening problem [8/14/2017 5:05:11 AM] aj: See?  I told you there was no problem. [8/14/2017 5:05:11 AM] girl: But you can't spoil me just cause you pity me [8/14/2017 5:06:00 AM] girl: I don't want to be spoiled if your heart doesn't think I'm cute and deserving of being spoiled [8/14/2017 5:06:16 AM] aj: I think you're cute. [8/14/2017 5:06:26 AM] aj: That's what you really wanted to know, wasn't it? [8/14/2017 5:06:39 AM] aj: I could get away with an "I don't pity you" [8/14/2017 5:06:47 AM] aj: But you really wanted to know if I thought you were cute [8/14/2017 5:06:50 AM] aj: So, there. [8/14/2017 5:07:10 AM] girl: You could, but I'll give you brownie points for the other thing [8/14/2017 5:07:32 AM] girl: You're really ruthless [8/14/2017 5:09:10 AM] girl: But I'm serious when i say I don't want you to spoil me if your hearts not in it, I'd be disappointed, but I'd rather feel disappointed than stupid for liking half assed spoilings so much [8/14/2017 5:09:33 AM] girl: See? Im dog [8/14/2017 5:09:55 AM] aj:  /headpats [8/14/2017 5:10:38 AM] aj: These are top-tier spoilings. [8/14/2017 5:10:45 AM] girl: Hah [8/14/2017 5:10:50 AM] girl: Cute [8/14/2017 5:11:22 AM] aj: So. [8/14/2017 5:11:29 AM] aj: You have no reason to feel disappointment. [8/14/2017 5:11:51 AM] girl: Ahhh, im such a sucker for you, you know that? [8/14/2017 5:12:27 AM] aj: When you would continuously say you wish we didn't have a fucked up past because you wonder how we'd be like, I sort of got the hint. [8/14/2017 5:12:47 AM] girl: Lol how embarrassing of me [8/14/2017 5:14:18 AM] girl: On one hand im surprised how easily ive been suckered into feeling so smitten again but [8/14/2017 5:14:44 AM] girl: on the other hand i know i just shove that one down as hard as i can most times which isn't very hard evidently [8/14/2017 5:15:02 AM] girl:  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ guess im just a little freak [8/14/2017 5:15:12 AM] aj: Incidentally, you saying things like that is what makes you a tease. [8/14/2017 5:15:25 AM] girl: It helps me not to implode [8/14/2017 5:15:35 AM] aj: I get it [8/14/2017 5:15:40 AM] girl: I could be doing worse [8/14/2017 5:15:57 AM] girl: But I'm nicer than you most times [8/14/2017 5:16:18 AM] aj: You seem to think that what you do doesn't have an impact on me. [8/14/2017 5:16:31 AM] aj: I'm just better at not showing it. [8/14/2017 5:16:46 AM] aj: You're just as bad as me. [8/14/2017 5:16:55 AM] girl: I feel a little smug if thatsbyou admitting youre flustered [8/14/2017 5:17:09 AM] girl: am not [8/14/2017 5:17:19 AM] girl: I so am not as bad as you [8/14/2017 5:17:20 AM] aj: Did I not tell you the dog thing was mutual? [8/14/2017 5:17:23 AM] aj: I think I did. [8/14/2017 5:17:38 AM] girl: Idiot [8/14/2017 5:18:14 AM] girl: I'm really not good at hiding it, then, huh [8/14/2017 5:18:24 AM] aj: Not at all. [8/14/2017 5:18:39 AM] girl: Thats [8/14/2017 5:18:42 AM] girl: Embarrassing [8/14/2017 5:18:56 AM] aj: I try to not mention it or call you on it most times, for that reason. [8/14/2017 5:19:05 AM] aj: That's what I mean by walking the lines I walk. [8/14/2017 5:19:14 AM] girl: I know [8/14/2017 5:19:24 AM] girl: I'm sorry i tease you, then [8/14/2017 5:19:42 AM] aj: Did I ever say I hated it? [8/14/2017 5:19:50 AM] girl: god [8/14/2017 5:19:55 AM] girl: You're getting me like [8/14/2017 5:20:00 AM] girl: Pretty fucking consistently [8/14/2017 5:21:33 AM] girl: I really try and keep it under wraps, i promise, so [8/14/2017 5:22:01 AM] girl: telling me stuff like you don't hate it is like [8/14/2017 5:22:06 AM] girl: Severely tempting [8/14/2017 5:22:20 AM] girl: I don't have as much self control as you [8/14/2017 5:22:42 AM] girl: and im impulsive and gluttonous for attention, especially yours [8/14/2017 5:23:23 AM] aj: I get you. [8/14/2017 5:23:38 AM] aj: It's why, for the most part, I just pretend not to notice. [8/14/2017 5:24:40 AM] girl: Do i do it a lot? [8/14/2017 5:25:28 AM] aj: Hmm.  So, while I might tease you consistently, I don't say the things that you do.  The difference is that you get attention and some affection from me. [8/14/2017 5:26:10 AM] aj: But when you tease, it's you flirting with ideas of an "us", you know?  Or you're more overtly sexual. [8/14/2017 5:27:01 AM] aj: Different in magnitude. [8/14/2017 5:27:05 AM] girl: It's not to be mean, m sorry if it feels like it [8/14/2017 5:27:14 AM] aj: I know you're not being mean. [8/14/2017 5:27:19 AM] aj: I know it's a self control thing. [8/14/2017 5:27:42 AM] girl: I genuinely have a hard time wrapping my head around not liking you the way i do and just figure ill die like this and itll be chill [8/14/2017 5:28:05 AM] aj: I like being relaxed around you and talking with you. [8/14/2017 5:28:34 AM] aj: When I tease, it's in fun and because I'm relaxed around you. [8/14/2017 5:28:44 AM] aj: and also because you set yourself up for it, really. [8/14/2017 5:28:53 AM] girl: Whoops [8/14/2017 5:29:53 AM] girl: I've always had a really hard time letting people go and letting people go when i love/d them romantically. [8/14/2017 5:30:17 AM] girl: And it kind of just is normal for me [8/14/2017 5:30:37 AM] girl: But it makes me happy you feel comfortable [8/14/2017 5:31:09 AM] girl: I'll probably be an Old Bitch and still think you're kind of hot [8/14/2017 5:31:41 AM] aj:  /headpats [8/14/2017 5:32:08 AM] aj: I don't mind it, but I view it as probably a healthier outlet than you repressing it. [8/14/2017 5:32:25 AM] aj: and I can handle you doing what you do without you needing to worry that I'll lose self-control. [8/14/2017 5:32:33 AM] girl: You think so? [8/14/2017 5:32:51 AM] aj: Yes. [8/14/2017 5:33:01 AM] girl: I try to be good anyway [8/14/2017 5:33:08 AM] aj: I don't want to fuck your life up any more than I already have. [8/14/2017 5:33:16 AM] aj: So, that's a very strong conviction. [8/14/2017 5:33:50 AM] girl: Pats your faceb [8/14/2017 5:34:12 AM] girl: I'm sorry I still feel this way [8/14/2017 5:34:21 AM] girl: I'm like a little leech girl [8/14/2017 5:34:34 AM] aj: You're not the only one in my life who does it? [8/14/2017 5:34:40 AM] aj: and you're more honest than the other one. [8/14/2017 5:34:58 AM] aj: The other one will bring up the past here or there, or throw <3 emotes seriously. [8/14/2017 5:35:08 AM] aj: But would fucking deny it if I called her on it. [8/14/2017 5:35:11 AM] aj: You're honest. [8/14/2017 5:35:17 AM] aj: I can respect you. [8/14/2017 5:35:24 AM] aj: You don't play games. [8/14/2017 5:36:18 AM] girl: Not sure if that makes me a little jealous or just embarrassed for myself because i throw <3 emotes at you or concerned about my thoughts [8/14/2017 5:36:38 AM] aj: You'll fess up when I call you on it. [8/14/2017 5:36:43 AM] aj: That makes all the difference. [8/14/2017 5:36:52 AM] girl: What's the point if you caught me? [8/14/2017 5:36:53 AM] aj: I don't care how bad you are, so long as you own it. [8/14/2017 5:37:03 AM] girl: Hahahaha [8/14/2017 5:37:18 AM] girl: You sure you don't just pity me? [8/14/2017 5:37:27 AM] girl: I really hate embarrassing myself [8/14/2017 5:37:35 AM] aj: You're cute. [8/14/2017 5:37:36 AM] girl: so im double checking [8/14/2017 5:37:47 AM] aj: I like talking with you. [8/14/2017 5:38:21 AM] girl: I like talking with you [8/14/2017 5:38:39 AM] girl: You can't say stuff like you don't care how bad i am [8/14/2017 5:38:51 AM] girl: this is pansy shit aj [8/14/2017 5:38:57 AM] girl: I'm fucking terrible [8/14/2017 5:39:08 AM] aj: Yeah, and when you annoy me, I'll tell you. [8/14/2017 5:39:18 AM] aj: But then you stop being annoying and we're cool. [8/14/2017 5:39:30 AM] aj: There's no need for me to hold some sort of grudge over it. [8/14/2017 5:39:40 AM] girl: It would scald me to be called annoying [8/14/2017 5:39:53 AM] girl: I probably would brood over it for weeks [8/14/2017 5:40:37 AM] girl: But the threat of being called annoying has straightened me out. Locked that shit back up right Quick. [8/14/2017 5:40:52 AM] aj: So, look.  I've read stuff written by people who are Saints.  I've read shit from terrible people.  Everyone's human.  Even on your best day, you are probably not as good as the saints, or as bad as those terrible people. [8/14/2017 5:41:16 AM] aj: So no matter how bad you are, I don't care.  It won't be something that registers with me. [8/14/2017 5:41:23 AM] aj: Just so long as you know what you are. [8/14/2017 5:41:31 AM] girl: Idiot [8/14/2017 5:41:49 AM] aj: If you deny it and you're denying it because you've tricked yourself into thinking you're not capable of saint things or terrible things, then I dislike that. [8/14/2017 5:42:03 AM] aj: If you deny it because it's embarrassing, I'll play along. [8/14/2017 5:42:08 AM] aj: Most times. [8/14/2017 5:42:14 AM] girl: Hahahaha [8/14/2017 5:42:26 AM] aj: but I can spot the difference, usually. [8/14/2017 5:42:32 AM] girl: you're kind, in a twisted sort of way [8/14/2017 5:43:16 AM] girl: you manage to pluck out things about me I'm not always paying attention to [8/14/2017 5:43:47 AM] girl: its neat to look at things like that even when I feel weirdly exposed [8/14/2017 5:44:12 AM] aj: This is how I handle most everyone. [8/14/2017 5:44:29 AM] aj: It's why people get spooked by me, but also why I get dog people a lot. [8/14/2017 5:44:39 AM] girl: Woof woof [8/14/2017 5:45:49 AM] girl: I just thought about that dream i had about you [8/14/2017 5:46:10 AM] girl: where you worked in the back of some asian fusion restaurant as a cook or something [8/14/2017 5:46:26 AM] girl: and one of my friends kept calling you a womans name [8/14/2017 5:47:08 AM] aj: (It better have been a fucking A+ Cute name.) [8/14/2017 5:47:14 AM] girl: Oh and aja drom rupauls drag race fucking blew you up!! Thats scary. Why did he do it... [8/14/2017 5:47:17 AM] girl: Ashley lol [8/14/2017 5:47:24 AM] aj: That's a slut name. [8/14/2017 5:47:29 AM] aj: Fuck that dream. [8/14/2017 5:47:33 AM] girl: cause youre a slut i guess [8/14/2017 5:47:42 AM] girl: ;( [8/14/2017 5:47:53 AM] aj: Yeah, but like [8/14/2017 5:48:00 AM] aj: Ashley is the slut everyone knows is a slut. [8/14/2017 5:48:06 AM] girl: "Yea but like" uh huh [8/14/2017 5:48:08 AM] aj: Because of the name. [8/14/2017 5:48:13 AM] girl: Uh huh [8/14/2017 5:48:17 AM] girl: right [8/14/2017 5:48:26 AM] aj: My replies don't work on me like they do on you. [8/14/2017 5:48:53 AM] aj: I'll be merciless with you, I'm warning you. [8/14/2017 5:48:54 AM] girl: You got blown up by a drag queen who was eliminated in the second episode and youre worried about your dumb name [8/14/2017 5:49:03 AM] girl: oh no [8/14/2017 5:49:04 AM] aj: Of course I am. [8/14/2017 5:49:10 AM] aj: The rest is stupid. [8/14/2017 5:49:12 AM] girl: He's going to be merciless with me [8/14/2017 5:49:23 AM] aj: Bark for me, Princess. [8/14/2017 5:49:37 AM] girl: OKAY DAMN OKA [8/14/2017 5:50:10 AM] girl: OKAY! Lol! Thats chill. Haha. Fuck. Okay [8/14/2017 5:50:24 AM] aj: I'm glad we understand each other, now. [8/14/2017 5:50:36 AM] girl: ........ [8/14/2017 5:51:05 AM] girl: (´ ∀ ` *) [8/14/2017 5:51:09 AM] girl: You know [8/14/2017 5:51:14 AM] girl: I'm not that petty [8/14/2017 5:51:38 AM] girl: You can have it aj. You. Can fucken. Have it. I Mmm not gonna stoop to your level. [8/14/2017 5:51:43 AM] girl: probably [8/14/2017 5:52:29 AM] aj: Honestly, I think it's more that you're worried your best won't work on me, but sure.  We can go with this story. [8/14/2017 5:52:38 AM] girl: Lol [8/14/2017 5:52:46 AM] girl: Is that what yoy think [8/14/2017 5:52:54 AM] girl: Is that really what you think [8/14/2017 5:52:57 AM] aj: I said it. [8/14/2017 5:53:04 AM] girl: Thats really. Really. Cute! Thats really cute [8/14/2017 5:53:09 AM] girl: Thats hilarious [8/14/2017 5:53:38 AM] girl: The devil is tempting me and I'm holding my head up high and saying no, satan, I'm not gonna play your games today [8/14/2017 5:53:52 AM] girl: But, good god, almighty [8/14/2017 5:54:03 AM] girl: I am being tempted and tested [8/14/2017 5:54:41 AM] aj: That's a lot of lines for a narrative we both know doesn't hold up. [8/14/2017 5:54:44 AM] aj: But, again, sure. [8/14/2017 5:55:02 AM] girl: :))))) [8/14/2017 5:55:24 AM] girl: Don't push it boy [8/14/2017 5:55:56 AM] aj: I'm still waiting on that "woof". [8/14/2017 5:56:17 AM] girl: Youre a demon [8/14/2017 5:56:35 AM] aj: You should be happy about that.  It means I play by a set of rules. [8/14/2017 5:57:47 AM] girl: Do you have any idea how attracted to you i am? Do you have any clue even at all? I like honestly am so good and its so fucking mean to play into shit you remember i fucking like like fuck off thats so mean holy shit like [8/14/2017 5:57:54 AM] girl: Thats downright cruel [8/14/2017 5:58:02 AM] girl: And you know what!!! [8/14/2017 5:58:36 AM] girl: I'm probably going to get off to it later. :))). So there. [8/14/2017 5:58:48 AM] aj: I was hoping the next line was "woof". [8/14/2017 5:58:54 AM] girl: (((:. You have thrown me into hell. [8/14/2017 5:58:55 AM] aj: That would have been great. [8/14/2017 5:59:05 AM] aj: You missed out on like, the best stinger to that. [8/14/2017 5:59:22 AM] girl: :))). [8/14/2017 5:59:32 AM] aj:  /headpats [8/14/2017 5:59:44 AM] girl: Eat shit, and die [8/14/2017 6:00:08 AM] aj: See, you never can just let things go [8/14/2017 6:00:19 AM] aj: That's your problem. [8/14/2017 6:00:26 AM] aj: Because you do that, and then I have to escalate. [8/14/2017 6:00:33 AM] girl: Right [8/14/2017 6:00:43 AM] girl: My fault [8/14/2017 6:01:14 AM] girl: You told me to Bark for you [8/14/2017 6:01:28 AM] aj: I warned you. [8/14/2017 6:01:34 AM] aj: Beforehand. [8/14/2017 6:01:46 AM] girl: it was cruel of you [8/14/2017 6:02:00 AM] aj: You should take my warnings, then. [8/14/2017 6:03:42 AM] girl: Nope. Just gonna keep adding to me repertoire of Erotic Jack Off Fodder. Thats on you babe. Honestly? Thats your fault. You told me to fucking bark for you and im just gonna take that one   [8/14/2017 6:03:54 AM] girl: Like its mine now, sorry. [8/14/2017 6:03:58 AM] aj: Cool. [8/14/2017 6:04:19 AM] girl: 🙄 [8/14/2017 6:04:23 AM] aj: It's sort of incomplete. [8/14/2017 6:04:31 AM] girl: WOOF [8/14/2017 6:04:34 AM] aj: I'm gonna get some sleep shortly, so I'll give you a little more. [8/14/2017 6:05:24 AM] aj: So, don't get off to it later unless you put a collar or choker on your neck.  Close your eyes and imagine the palm of my hand on top of your head.  You'll get all the affection you want while you're barking and whimpering. [8/14/2017 6:05:40 AM] aj: <3 [8/14/2017 6:05:41 AM] girl: Holy fucking shit [8/14/2017 6:05:53 AM] girl: Literally die [8/14/2017 6:06:01 AM] aj: Oh, and... [8/14/2017 6:06:14 AM] aj: Wherever you go, let my voice follow you. [8/14/2017 6:06:19 AM] aj: There. [8/14/2017 6:06:33 AM] girl: I'm [8/14/2017 6:06:39 AM] girl: Gonna [8/14/2017 6:06:44 AM] girl: Die now [8/14/2017 6:06:54 AM] girl: You fucking idiot [8/14/2017 6:07:09 AM] aj: Ah, but all of that makes this so much more meaningful [8/14/2017 6:07:14 AM] aj:  /lots of headpats [8/14/2017 6:07:18 AM] aj: :3 [8/14/2017 6:07:31 AM] girl: HhahahaH [8/14/2017 6:07:41 AM] girl: Fuck you [8/14/2017 6:08:40 AM] aj: Mm, well, it's time for me to get some rest. [8/14/2017 6:09:14 AM] aj: I'm sure you're furiously worked up, furiously blushing, and probably just furious. [8/14/2017 6:09:20 AM] aj: Goodnight [8/14/2017 6:09:23 AM] aj: ~ [8/14/2017 6:13:00 AM] girl: Goodnight you idiot [8/14/2017 6:13:25 AM] girl: And you're right! Hope you feel great about it! [8/14/2017 4:44:51 PM] girl: Idiot [8/14/2017 4:44:58 PM] girl: idiot idiot idiot [8/14/2017 6:06:55 PM] aj: Hmm? [8/14/2017 6:07:33 PM] girl: Dont hmm me like you dont know [8/14/2017 6:08:52 PM] aj: Hah, fair enough. [8/14/2017 6:08:55 PM] aj: I'm glad it was good. [8/14/2017 6:09:32 PM] girl: Okay, i never said that [8/14/2017 6:09:44 PM] aj: No, you didn't. [8/14/2017 6:09:51 PM] aj: Here's your chance to deny it. [8/14/2017 6:10:35 PM] girl: 🙄 [8/14/2017 6:11:26 PM] aj: That shows up as a box, for me. [8/14/2017 6:11:53 PM] aj: One of those that implies I don't have the right fonts or something. [8/14/2017 6:11:57 PM] girl: Its the eyeroll emoji [8/14/2017 6:11:57 PM] aj: Anyways. [8/14/2017 6:12:47 PM] girl: You're like [8/14/2017 6:13:23 PM] girl: It shouldn't be so easy for you to push my buttons like that idiot [8/14/2017 6:13:46 PM] aj: Do you believe me when I tell you I've gotten better at pushing buttons in general, now? [8/14/2017 6:16:42 PM] girl: Probably [8/14/2017 6:17:18 PM] aj: Good answer. [8/14/2017 6:18:22 PM] girl: I just hope it wasn't to really condescend me or pity me, even though I didn't dislike you beinh a flirt [8/14/2017 6:18:31 PM] girl: You fuckinhg flirt [8/14/2017 6:18:42 PM] aj: I'm going to say this one more time. [8/14/2017 6:18:57 PM] girl: I know [8/14/2017 6:19:05 PM] girl: I just worry [8/14/2017 6:19:24 PM] aj: I like you.  I like flirting with you.  I think you're cute.  I have always thought you act cute, even when you sometimes go really creepy or strange. [8/14/2017 6:20:26 PM] aj: Just like you, I have to deal with fucked up feelings.  But that's them. [8/14/2017 6:21:57 PM] aj: I think doing things out of pity is a shit reason to do things. [8/14/2017 6:22:08 PM] aj: and I don't really have too much pity. [8/14/2017 6:22:16 PM] aj: I am more likely to pity-fuck than pity-flirt. [8/14/2017 6:22:43 PM] girl: Hahaha. [8/14/2017 6:23:47 PM] girl: I just get scared that im crumbling weirdly in front of you and that its a mess and that you dont feel messy at all too, causr I really hate making an ass of myself [8/14/2017 6:24:32 PM] girl: But I've almost always really liked you and when I haven't I've still felt pretty crazy about you [8/14/2017 6:25:04 PM] girl: Sorry im a creep too sometimes hahahaha [8/14/2017 6:25:16 PM] aj: Being honest with it is easier.  I just tend not to say it.  Being honest usually makes me not be crumbly about it. [8/14/2017 6:25:18 PM] aj: It [8/14/2017 6:25:29 PM] aj: It's weird and nobody I know would understand or approve. [8/14/2017 6:25:52 PM] aj: But that's just how it is. [8/14/2017 6:25:57 PM] aj: Best to be honest with it. [8/14/2017 6:26:07 PM] aj: Being honest with it means I can better handle it. [8/14/2017 6:26:08 PM] girl: Hah [8/14/2017 6:26:35 PM] girl: You're cute sometimes [8/14/2017 6:26:56 PM] girl: I woke up really late cause I talked to you so long [8/14/2017 6:28:06 PM] girl: I'm not quite as pathetic for you as i used to be but I'm still a dog girl it seems [8/14/2017 6:28:33 PM] aj: I wasn't exactly giving you an easy time of it. [8/14/2017 6:28:37 PM] aj: For what it's worth. [8/14/2017 6:28:42 PM] aj: Don't think too badly of yourself. [8/14/2017 6:28:48 PM] girl: I don't mind so much. I guess cause I'm not surprised. [8/14/2017 6:28:57 PM] girl: Hahahaha [8/14/2017 6:29:33 PM] girl: That's not all you. I think about you that way more often than is appropriate or excusable [8/14/2017 6:29:48 PM] aj: I know. [8/14/2017 6:29:58 PM] aj: Mostly because you tell me so. [8/14/2017 6:30:00 PM] girl: You do? [8/14/2017 6:30:13 PM] aj: I know I might seem disinterested? [8/14/2017 6:30:19 PM] girl: Oh [8/14/2017 6:30:21 PM] aj: But I try to remember stuff. [8/14/2017 6:30:39 PM] aj: and I notice what things you talk about. [8/14/2017 6:30:46 PM] aj: and what interrupts you. [8/14/2017 6:31:09 PM] aj: and there's been no shortage of you yelling at me, which you'd only do if you were frustrated and thinking about me. [8/14/2017 6:31:37 PM] aj: If I was on your mind, you'd put some of the blame on me, and after blaming me, it's fine to yell at me. [8/14/2017 6:31:45 PM] aj: If you couldn't blame me, you wouldn't yell at me. [8/14/2017 6:31:49 PM] aj: You're not like that. [8/14/2017 6:31:57 PM] aj: Even if the blame is flimsy, it has to be there. [8/14/2017 6:32:41 PM] aj: So all it comes down to is noticing. [8/14/2017 6:33:28 PM] aj: You do it in clusters, which usually lines up when other things are going bad for you and so, since I'm still a dirty habit, I pop out more then. [8/14/2017 6:33:44 PM] girl: M sorry about that [8/14/2017 6:33:59 PM] aj: It is what it is. [8/14/2017 6:34:21 PM] aj: I don't care if you're bad, so long as you're honest about it. [8/14/2017 6:34:35 PM] girl: I don't totally understand all your observations of me, maybe mostly cause my memory is sorta bad and I don't really think about the things i do [8/14/2017 6:34:59 PM] girl: But I still think I don't like that ive hurt you [8/14/2017 6:35:44 PM] girl: Ultimately I'm selfish and would probably do it anyway if I really wanted something but... i said before its not nice to scapegoat and I shouldn't [8/14/2017 6:36:07 PM] aj: If I get sick of it, I disappear. [8/14/2017 6:36:11 PM] aj: So it works out. [8/14/2017 6:36:43 PM] girl: I hope you're not sick of other stuff i do, but I understand if you are [8/14/2017 6:36:58 PM] aj: You have nothing to worry about right now. [8/14/2017 6:37:05 PM] girl: I still don't like it [8/14/2017 6:37:15 PM] aj:  /headpats [8/14/2017 6:37:20 PM] aj: We all carry some guilt. [8/14/2017 6:37:23 PM] aj: I'm not angry at you. [8/14/2017 6:37:35 PM] aj: If you still dislike what happened, don't do it again. [8/14/2017 6:37:52 PM] girl: I'll try [8/14/2017 6:39:18 PM] girl: I don't like feeling so at your mercy but I know I don't feel right holding something over you in a cruel way [8/14/2017 6:39:42 PM] girl: Or making excuses to be angry with you when they aren't real reasons [8/14/2017 6:39:51 PM] aj: We both have the capability to hurt the other person. [8/14/2017 6:39:55 PM] aj: and to be good to the other person. [8/14/2017 6:40:32 PM] girl: Is it stockholmy or just desperate of me if I want to be good to you? [8/14/2017 6:40:49 PM] aj: Maybe you're just a good person? [8/14/2017 6:41:13 PM] aj: Even if you describe it correctly, assuming a correct answer exists, it won't be less confusing. [8/14/2017 6:41:24 PM] girl: Hahahaha [8/14/2017 6:41:30 PM] girl: You're probably right [8/14/2017 6:41:48 PM] aj: Anyways, I need to go. [8/14/2017 6:41:57 PM] aj: Take it easy [8/14/2017 6:42:07 PM] girl: Where to? [8/14/2017 6:42:12 PM] girl: You too, dummy [8/14/2017 6:42:22 PM] aj: A friend's [8/14/2017 6:42:34 PM] girl: Have fun~ [8/14/2017 6:42:34 PM] aj: We made plans.  So I'm headed over to his. [8/14/2017 6:42:38 PM] aj: Yep [8/14/2017 6:42:53 PM] girl: <3 [8/14/2017 9:14:39 PM] girl: I've always found you pretty unbearably darling [8/14/2017 9:15:28 PM] girl: I slept most of my day away and went on a little night walk [8/14/2017 9:27:26 PM] girl: I'm scared of being left alone and I'm scared of messing up, but I still feel so much more right when I have you around, and I hate that it'll never be in an all the way healthy or normal way. [8/14/2017 9:28:28 PM] girl: It's not a big deal ultimately I guess. I forget what I'm saying... [8/14/2017 9:30:07 PM] girl: I'm scared I'm not special to you though I know you tell me otherwise almost all the time. I like when you spoil me, I like when you pay attention to me, I like when you comfort me. I like to hear about your day and I like when you tell me about yours [8/14/2017 9:30:51 PM] girl: Thanks for paying attention to me and calling me cute when i make it obvious that i want to be called cute [8/14/2017 9:31:20 PM] girl: (´ ∀ ` *) Im happy right now, even though im an unforgivable fuck up [8/15/2017 2:21:41 AM] girl: I HATE sativa so much lol... [8/15/2017 1:07:26 PM] girl: 2 damn hot [8/15/2017 10:46:32 PM] girl: Sorry for always messaging yoy i think its fun and im a little you knowWHAT [8/15/2017 11:41:21 PM] girl: in other news, todayi  put a bunch of hydrangeas in my hair after meticulpously checking them for bugs and then touched a big leaf and a giant fucking carpenter ant fell off and bit me really hard!! [8/15/2017 11:57:13 PM] girl: it was rly cool and i didnt cry (*・∀-)☆