#im so fucking excited i might do that every year because the joy i feel at having those days off during new years is incredible

[depresseddepot]

weird thing about me is that I am so serious about new year's resolutions that the last week of december feels like I'm in one of those "preparing for war" montages (but in a good way)

[trickstersaint]

hey, i just finished playing aromanticism, and it made me feel a lot better about my circumstances lately. ive come to terms with my aromanticism for a long, long time now (Almost 10 years!), but as ive gotten older, it feels like people keep their distance from me- and it's been really hurtful. i found a lot of peace, suddenly, reading aromanticism. i think im gonna carry that metaphor with me forever now lol, having a still heart. i feel a profound sense of pride about it. 1/

hello!!!! first of all, i'm so so glad to hear that it was so positive for you. it makes me so happy to know that there are other aro people reading that project and finding hope and pride and value in it: that's more than i could have ever hoped for when sharing it, truly :)

one thing i think about a lot with aromanticism is that sense of pride. it seems.... strange, maybe, but i think that it's something that can and does coexist with that sense of hurt. just like any queer identity, the world around us might not show us any care, but just like any queer identity, our decision to find pride and joy in our existence is one that is motivated from the inside. queer pride has never been something that was handed to us by other people, but on the flip side, it's always been something that you can fight to have and to keep :)

as for what emotion inspired me to make the poem: i do NOT want to say love here because that's not really what it is (<— guy who is only ever like a few really in-depth tumblr posts away from id'ing as loveless). but in the way that i say "i love being aro". that kind of love. the joy and pride and contentment that i feel with being aromantic, and the spite that often fuels it, the rush of defying the expectation that i be miserable or that i hate the way that i am. love is not important to me. but what is important is holding myself gently against a world that isn't kind to me, you know? aromanticism is a light that i cup in my hands up close to my chest and it's something that brings me a sense of warmth and peace.

i said this in a reblog somewhere in the notes of the original post, but i originally wrote this for a creative writing class where i assumed most people would never have even heard of aromanticism. personally, i am deeply, deeply protective of that little light; and while there are negative aspects of any life experience to talk about, i did NOT want to hand over something to non-aro people that would reinforce the idea that being aromantic is something that leaves a person unhappy. you can be upset about it. you can be afraid about it. but still, but still, you will find a way through. it's not something that dooms you. it's something you can grow to embrace. originally, there was a version where the doctor was not always kind to you; knowing that it would be read through by allo people, though, i didn't think that they should get to say, indirectly or not, that my experience—aro people's experience—was an unhappy one. i didn't think that was a choice they got to make, in real life or in fiction. and when i handed it to aro people it got to be a wonderful, beautiful moment where every path took them back to a confirmation of validity and pride and joy.

there's an ending that you can only see by going through all of the choices completely confident in your still heart, and i fully expected when i wrote this that nobody but myself would see it. it remains such a joy to see mentions of it in the notes of the original post. it can be hard for me to cry but man i get fucking close...

i hope i answered everything! if you do make something similar with twine i would love love love to see it :) i highly encourage anyone wanting to make something similar to go experiment with the program, it's free and it's pretty easy to get the hang of. if you'd like to see the twine game that inspired me to make aromanticism, i would be so excited to direct you to with those we love alive, which is a beautiful, surreal, fantastically creative piece that i highly recommend you read. adore you anon and i hope aromanticism (the piece and the concept) can be a joy for you for years and years to come 🖤

[miupow]

✨️💛🔮!

about me ask game !!

✨️— out of all of the comments you've recieved on your fics, what are two or three of your favorites?

these four comments i've gotten over my year on tumblr have stuck with me so much. shout out to everyone who's ever sent me feedback on my works, they make me cry (in a good way!)

"if this fic was a dessert, it would be TOO SWEET! u guys i was smiling so hard reading this, my roommate was like “why are you so happy?” i honestly loved every second of this and each kiss was so uniquely beomgyu. the “i’m done with my games; pay attention to me!”, the “so soon you won’t even have time to miss me”…i could go on on about this!!" -- @chasingthatjjunie on five kisses.

#oh my god i’m silent after this one#one so cute to have a summoning circle in a hyperpink room I love it so much#two LOSER VIRGIN INCUBUS#the jokes about god made me giggle#some lines that SOLD me#am I doing good little human?#fuck no i’m not done I need more I can’t stop need to make you cum again and again#if it’s ever too much tell me please 🫠#oh god you’re going to ruin me#you marked me up pretty girl now I have to return the favor I could just eat you wholePLEASE#be a good girl and beg for it maybe i’ll give you that firstborn you want so badly!!!!!!!!!! IM RUINED IM WEAK#AND HOW HE JUST KEPT GOING 🫠#READ THIS NOW PLS -- @biteyoubiteme on under the moon.

If i knew what kind of masterpiece I would experience by reading this I would have cherished every word and sentence a bit better. -- @lowsuga on just like magic.

i just wanna say this might be the best hyuka smut fic ive ever read. me personally i feel like out of five i find him the hardest to write, because he just seems so sweet, but i love how you used that side of him in your advantage when writing this fic. you're literally so smart! this is also my first time reading bdsm, and this fic made me like it. i feel like this sparked something in me and i might just look for more haha! the transition of him being sweet to freaky is really goosebumps! this was so good lia, love your works so much -- @seolis-world on duality. (i miss u sm)

💛— what is the most impactful thing you've learned about writing?

just how much motivation and ambition needs to come from within. to stop writing for others and to write stories that i enjoy writing. how much joy and whimsy will come back to you once you stop focusing on requests and the desires of your following

🔮— any advice for any writers experiencing writers block or burnout?

don't worry about notes or followers. don't compare your works to the works of other people, especially if they're bigger, more popular blogs. don't write about what you think other people would like, write about what you would like. and most importantly, don't ever forget that writing is supposed to be fun. a writing blog is a hobby, not a job, so don't let it become one. don't let your worries make it not fun or exciting anymore.

[wawawawawawawawawawawawawa]

the anon who doesnt have aspd and taught myself empathy again here! i've never talked to a psych (self diagnosed autism) and as a teen i was p sure i had aspd (i Knew shit was strange w me and really wanted an explanation and once i figured out my mix of trauma and autism things made sense) coz lack of remorse and shit but i never actually really matched the rest of it -- i dont have substance abuse issues and never have, im p easily entertained, i've had the same three friends basically my entire life. i do though describe myself as the worlds most boring hedonist coz like yeah i sometimes have a hard time controlling my impulses and im motivated by fun but for me thats usually p simple -- easily entertained. read a book, video games, jump around to music. i AM frequently bored though?? like its my most frequent emotion and ive spent a Long time learning to cultivate my joy and really feel it properly. but im also the most easily excitable person i know. i dunno, i have v large emotions that appear then disappear quite quickly. a favourire hobby of mine since i was a kid has been to start arguments between the ppl i care abt and see how large i could make them in a single session then solve the argument w/o the ppl realising i'd manufactured and egged on the argument. which typing that out now seems uh. an interesting hobby. but late last year i told my younger brother and he laughed coz its a v me thing to do and was like "yo thats fucked. pls stop doing it to me" so since then ive mainly tried to just like playfully tease ppl in a normal way coz cognitively i understand its a fucked thing to do and im trynna be like, a decent person who doesnt go outta my way to play w ppl for funsies. which yeah that uh... maybe i Should look into aspd more again, i did a fairly shallow look into it as a teen and relating to azula as much as i did as a kid (and izaya as an older teen/young adult) was deff a sign of smth

i've followed you on this blog for a while (i think you'd only had it for a couple weeks when i first followed u?) so yeah i did know the story abt u and ur fiance! v cute

i feel like maybe we need a different identifier than "the anon who doesnt have aspd" because that might not be, uh. accurate! i have o clue why a lot of people with aspd seem to congregate around my account but i guess this is an aspd helpline now??????? whuh????

like im not complaining its just. how did i get here

also i think ive deadass used the "worlds most boring hedonist" descriptor for myself before and i deal w chronic boredom the same way you do- i have a LOT of hobbies and i plan elaborate projects and that entertains me but only temporarily

and thats the thing about aspd! it- like every other disorder- is a spectrum. you might not have substance abuse issues, and i do. you did.... your interesting hobby, and i find it morally fucked!* i have no idea your relationship with criminality, and i got fired for stealing

*i have done something similar but i have a moral policy of like, only fucking with people who Deserve It. who deserves what varies case by case and what exactly i do... i need to explain weird spiritual stuff to go in depth andyeah im not really itchin to be called crazy on tumblr dot cum

aspd in general is very misunderstood and no literature really focuses on what its like to have the disorder, only the perceived damage being around someone with the disorder will bring- which is why i initially self diagnosed thru tumblr posts from ppl talking about their symptoms in a serious educative way

sometimes i think like, maybe i don't have aspd, maybe i'm just autistic and i'm spreading misinformation- but i never really felt "at home" with other autistic people. its like- yeah i click better with other autistic people, but i'm still masking, i'm still faking, and even in this situation i can drop the mask partially but not fully. growing up with a personality disorder and trauma in communities largely filled with autistic people with trauma, very quickly teaches you that there's something different about you. it's an isolating, traumatizing feeling- my experience with this was mainly symptoms of npd, but like.... knowing you have a problem, wanting it fixed, and knowing nobody around you knows how deep the problem runs, and might even find its existence laughable or dangerous... it's isolating! and its shitty!!

generally i tend to Know if things i'm doing are bad or not, i just tend to not care in the moment, because it's better than being bored! entertainment wins out over everything. it's actually kind of terrible; i'll do stuff just to see a reaction out of people- it's like izaya, honestly, what happens when people are pushed to their breaking points?

thats kind of how i got so much into angst and psychological horror. not only did i want to break the characters, i wanted to break my audience. i'd tell my friends detailed stories about torture partly because i was interested in my story, mostly because i wanted to see their horrified reactions. i wanted to see how far was "too far," and i keep that stuff in my current narratives- i keep the pov extremely tight and do silly little tricks with narrative and formatting to make the audience feel like they're Really There

so yeah look into aspd. do it boy listen to me im the ps5 im speaking to you inside your brain. do it boy do it

[anakin-pilled]

ANDRA ANDRA ANDRAAAA my sweet andra <3 i am so sorry it took me this long to read and annotate this, i normally read everything you post within the day but life has been little crazy lately ): but anyway im so excited to that you're writing again because you are so talented and no one can compare to the way you make me feel with your writing!!!!! so happy to see false god continuing because well.....who doesn't love a dilf! jake with heavy angst WITH AN AGE GAP?!?!??!?

Why would you say that? What possessed him to confide in you about parts of his life he forsook, he gave up what felt like eternities ago?

poor jakey is embarrassed from talking to a younger hot girl HAHAAHAH

You and Neteyam were much alike, and somehow still managed to complement each other well, at the same time. He used to think you’d be good for him, back then.

👀👀 now why do i feel like something might happen with neteyam..

“I’m sure whatever it is, it’s not as bad as you think. We always tend to overthink in our heads, and, as humans, we always tend to see the worst in ourselves. You, more than most.”

i always love how you bring the human condition into all your stories because while the na'vi might disagree with and not understand this, the human condition (in all its positivity and negativity) is so beautiful and an extraordinary thing to witness AND go through.

but also i once again find myself relating to your female protagonists...its like you see into my soul ?!???!?!

“I think someone overstepping once in a while is exactly what a man who’s always obeyed needs. Go to sleep, love.” 

NOW NORM WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THIS AND WHY ARE YOU SAYING IT

Just because you talked about something he cared about, that nobody asked him about, just because he confessed to you feelings he hasn’t said out loud in more than 24 years… that didn’t mean anything.

UH OH the seeds of something have planted into jake's heart...

Any extra time spent with you is time where he could talk and say something, confess something else that is better left unsaid, fall prey to your uncanny ability to see through him, to will out words he hasn’t even realised he’s been dying to say out loud. 

NBDJKNBJENRBKJSNIODRNSOABNRK ..... ummm jake is in a pickle

Can you do that for me?”

you mean can you do that for me babygirl

Norm once told you life, especially in your 20s, was about the joys and miseries of growing pains, but if you knew, how the journey was full of polarising extremes that pulled at every fibre of your being, how the high was insurmountable, but the pain was unbearable, maybe you would have thought twice before jumping in. 

oh god this is so fucking spot on but also i love this description of the 20s its so intense and scary but that's exactly how it is

You wonder if he realised that this was the beginning of the end, if the pull you felt was the same one that drove him to what came after

now now now.....what does Eywa have to say about this

It was clear to him more and more you loved being the one asking the questions and never the one answering them, and, soon enough, here you were again, curious as a cat about things nobody else was when it came to him.

AHHHHHHHHHHH omg omg omg like its so cute but i have to remind myself hes a married man but also i do feel bad for jake because while neytiri does love him, i would be sad if i never got the chance to talk about my life before even though jake doesn't seem to look at his past fondly, i think everyone is attracted to the idea of someone genuinely wanted to know about you on a deeper level because we all want to be seen, even when we don't admit it or reject it

He looked at you, pleading, not knowing whether he needed you to stop or keep going, only knowing it hurt, being torn at the seams like that between two choices that both led to heartbreak and epiphanies he wasn’t ready to face nor strong enough to deal with on his own, especially right now.

WE LOVE EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE JAKE!!!!!!! can i just say i love how introspective you write every character you right always has the perfect characterization and you always describe their inner thoughts in the most perfect way as well

It was then you knew you were heading for a potentially life-altering, life-ending fall that would break all your bones and leave you tethered on the ground, shattered and broken, unable to ever be put back together the same. And so you tried. You broke the moment that felt eternal, even though it pained you, to know at some point he wouldn’t be looking at you the way he had been then, and asked him to go home.

THIS WHOLE PARAGRAPH RIGHT HERE????!!?!? FUCKING PERFECT!! THERES NO GOING BACK NOW OMG ITS OUT IN THE OPEN AND THEY BOTH CAN FEEL IT

i think as much as i love being like dilfs 🥰 i would be absolutely terrified to be in this situation with an older man because they just hold so much more experience and wisdom (well maybe not too much wisdom) and well im a baby and god it must be SO intimidating to be in that position and how the hell do you even navigate this fine line without falling off the fucking edge ?!?!??!?

Better than sulk all night in a corner the way I know you’re itching to do.”

OK OUCH NETEYAM DONT BE FUCKING RUDE

It took a lot to make Neteyam flustered, and so you couldn’t understand why your words affected him so much.

THERE IT IS!!!!! neteyam has to be some feelings reader. also im fucking crying because she just projected so hard in the next sentences, she must be a little oblivious or too in her head from the previous conversation but i have an inkling that she is more desirable than she thinks to multiple people

In your head, that was exactly what you needed then: some sex with some random Na'vi who wanted to show you a good time, help you forget about the one you really wanted.

THATS EXACTLY WHAT I NEED TOO!!!!

You weren’t his. You were free to do as you wished, and the thoughts that plagued him as the mother of his children was sitting in his lap, perfectly unaware, were enough to pool other feelings, like guilt and shame, and form a heady concoction of emotions that he knew sooner or later would explode all around him.

i am so interested in this dynamic and i absolutely love love love it!! because it really is so complex and there's so many layers to understand and its not black and white AT ALL but that's what makes it all the fun and i cannot wait to see where this goes

You couldn't believe he was in your room, as if by thinking about him hard enough you manifested him here.

.....that's a little strange jake and i don't like it.

“Because it’s not you, ok?! Because it can’t be you! And I don’t know if you’ve realised this, but it’s not like I have a line of men willing to mate or even be seen with a human, an alien, a sky demon. So it has to be him! That’s why.” 

NFIESBNGIBDOSG OH LORD SOMETHING IS ABOUTT O HAPPEN AGAIN AND IM NOT READY

His lips, soft and needy, not at all like you imagined them to be, ceased your pleading words before you got a chance to speak them. It took a second, just one second, for you to understand what was happening, to process the way the kiss was everything you've ever wanted and more than you've ever dreamed about, the way he was desperate and hungry for your touch, for you to reciprocate his feelings... so you did.

me rn: 💀💥

With a nod, you dropped your head backwards and knew, in your heart, whatever was next would be the beginning of the end, of you, of him, of everything you’ve both worked so hard for and yet, all you felt was unadulterated, heavenly, euphoric bliss. 

i have no words right now EXCEPT WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK girl i didn't think that they would get it so quick but um...here we are. AND HOW WILL THEY DEAL WITH THE CONSEQUENCES AND HOW WILL JAKE HIDE THIS FROM NEYTIRI OH GOD

this was an amazing chapter pookie, even though you haven't written in a while, you couldn't even tell because this chapter was so good ❤️ IM LITERALLY SCREAMING STILL AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH ANDRA WHY WOULD YOU BE THIS CHAOTIC

ꜰᴀʟꜱᴇ ɢᴏᴅ | ᴄʜᴀᴘᴛᴇʀ ɪɪ: ɪ ᴅᴏɴ'ᴛ ꜰᴇᴇʟ ᴀʟɪᴠᴇ 'ᴛɪʟ ɪ'ᴍ ʙᴜʀɴɪɴ' ᴏɴ ʏᴏᴜʀ ʙᴀᴄᴋʙᴜʀɴᴇʀ

pairing: dilf!Jake Sully x (f)human/avatar!reader

synopsis: Jake struggles to adapt with the way being next to you is making him feel.

this story will contain an unhealthy, co-dependent relationship, and dark themes (smut, mental health, death, violence, infidelity), so pls read at your own discretion.

warnings: 18+ minors DNI, angst, age-gap (23 vs 43), (a little) smut at the end

wc: 6.1k words

a/n: umm, hi there?? do you remember me? i know it's been such a long time and I am so so sorry, but I am backkk besties!!! i am so happy to finally be able to complete chapter two and I hope you enjoy because it's quickly picking up pace. i really hope this isn't garbage, i'm so so out of practice and so insecure about my writing, but i still hope you are able to understand and enjoy this, because i am so excited to finally be back writing.

ps: this story will move perspectives and timelines a lott, so i hope it's not too confusing but pls do let me know if it is and i'll figure something out xx

replies and reblogs are massively appreciated, i loveee to hear from you so much!

na'vi compendium: tanhi - bioluminescent freckles, paskalin - sweet berry (term of endearment)

series masterlist (x)

Maybe I'm just not better than this, I haven't tried Maybe life's less romantic when I don't wanna die You'd think I'd be a fast learner But guess I won't ever mind crisping up on your backburner

Jake has always felt comfortable in nature. Even back on Earth, the comfort of a bed was a luxury mostly lost on him throughout his life. It was peaceful, and comforting, feeling the ground beneath his feet, beneath his skin, malleable and nurturing, like a warm embrace. It was a given here, with the connection the Na’vi had with the world around them, with the forest surrounding them, that he would become one with it, too, that he would find solace in it. He did, most days. Just not tonight, as he lay on the slightly damp surface with an arm underneath his head for support, trying to find meaning in the stars that were still so beautiful and bright they took his breath away, trying to calm his erratic heartbeat and his wandering thoughts. 

What was that? This whole day, that conversation that was still ringing in his ears like an insipid echo, making sweat bead on his forehead and trickle down his temples, until they were one with the soil. Why would you say that? What possessed him to confide in you about parts of his life he forsook, he gave up what felt like eternities ago?

He’s never truly noticed you before. The shy, timid girl who was far too attuned to others’ feelings to be able to overlook the disdain still present in some members’ of the clan when it came to anything human, always holed up in that lab he hated, that was at odds with everything he’s come to known and too much like everything he was trying his best to leave behind. It used to be different back then, when you were young, just a child craving connection and companionship, always tied to the hip to his eldest son, Neteyam, where Spider always took more to his two middle children. Par for the course, he thought. You and Neteyam were much alike, and somehow still managed to complement each other well, at the same time. He used to think you’d be good for him, back then. Not that he’d ever tell Neytiri that, the seemingly blasphemous idea, but yes - he thought that, even before you got an Avatar. But now, the thought made him uneasy - queasy, even. It wouldn’t be right. Your relationship would be frowned upon, and the Omaticaya would never look at you and see the future Tsa’hik that’s meant to lead them, to interpret their deity’s way. You were too fragile, too tuned in to your own and others’ emotions to be able to overcome it, and it would break you. Being with Neteyam would break you. 

The night was torturous and slow, so many thoughts eating away at him like a disease. By the time Eclipse passed, he was ready for this trip to be over. Being here with you alone wasn’t good, he realises now. It was a mistake, to talk to you, to look into your eyes, to notice you. Because now that he did, he couldn’t stop. The way your Avatar body twitched in sleep, the way he couldn’t help wonder what you were doing in your human body - were you sleeping, like you should be? Was this on your mind, this night, the same way it was his? Were you cramming everything you once used to do in a day in the few hours you had in your now secondary body?

“Oh, kid. You better know how to fix this better than I do.” 

“Is the Avatar safe?”

Norm trusted Jake with his life, and still, he knew he had to ask. The scientist in him, the Avatar program leader de facto, he’s always taken every responsibility, every chance to prove himself to the Na’vi and to his late mentor, Grace Augustine, very seriously. And that included taking care of you. You were not his blood, but you were his family, and he wanted to protect you, he wanted you to be alright. And so when Jake suggested getting some much needed tutelage, he was happy to wait until the night to hear all about it. 

“You know it is.”

“How did it go?”

“Well, I think. He was right, I guess. I definitely feel a bit more comfortable outside of the village, of all the prying eyes.” 

“Amazing. Do you have plans for tomorrow?”

“I’m�� not sure. I think… I overstepped.” The blush in your cheeks and eyes glued to your fiddling feet made Norm’s brown eyebrow rise, a small grimace mirroring the one marring your beautiful, soft features. Still, he placed a hand on your head, gently brushing the stray hairs that were raised from the hours of being in the cryocapsule.

“I find that hard to believe.”

“He… told me about his life on earth. About his father, and I… made a comment. I have no idea how he reacted to it, but now that I’m here, I have no chance to fix it.”

“I’m sure whatever it is, it’s not as bad as you think. We always tend to overthink in our heads, and, as humans, we always tend to see the worst in ourselves. You, more than most.”

After helping you out, making sure you were settled on your wobbly, weak knees, he gave your shoulder a small squeeze and left to his quarters, but not before telling you one last thing.

“I think someone overstepping once in a while is exactly what a man who’s always obeyed needs. Go to sleep, love.” 

The next morning, you felt dizzy as you woke up in the forest, slight groan audible with every stretch that allowed your sore muscles to loosen. You weren’t surprised to see Jake already up, busying himself with gutting a fish which would most likely constitute your breakfast. You gulped at the sight of him, veiny arms expertly handling the animal, his relaxed postured at odds with the slight frown on his face. Was that because of you? Was he mad at you? What possessed you to talk to him like he was a friend and not the Toruk Makto, the mighty Olo’eyktan? What possessed you to confess about an old crush, that died with your innocence about the world, about the same time you finally started to notice how the Omatikaya, particularly Neytiri, have looked at you all your life. 

“Um, good morning.” 

His eyes flickered over to you, lingering for a second longer than they needed to on your golden eyes before turning back swiftly, and the expression he adorned, a mixed between shame, guilt and desire, would have been obvious to anyone with more life experience, but not to you. Still, you noticed the blush in his cheeks, and couldn’t help the anxiety bubbling in your chest at what… or whom, might be the cause of it. 

“‘Morning, kid. D’you sleep well?” 

“I guess. You?” 

“One of us have to stay up and keep an eye out for predators, you know. Can’t have you get eaten before I’m done teaching you how to defend yourself.” His smile was teasing, and if it was an effort to put your mind at ease, you did appreciate it. It made what you had to say next come out easier.

“Listen, Jake… what I said last night… it was none of m-“

“It’s alright, kid. It’s been a while since anyone’s contradicted me, apart from my wife, so…” his laugh was rugged and unforced, and you couldn’t help join in at the sonorous melody that rang in your ears and all of a sudden couldn’t imagine being without. 

“So you don’t hate me?” 

Jake’s eyes settled on your own, but not before flickering to your parted lips, so focused and eager, you were clinging on to his every word, waiting desperately to be put out of your misery. 

“No, kid. I don’t hate you.” 

Jake didn’t know what was wrong with him, but he did know one thing: it was just a stupid conundrum, nothing more. He didn’t feel anything for you, he was just taken aback by someone who seemed to be a lot more intuitive and incisive about someone’s inner workings than he gave you credit for. But that’s it. Just because you talked about something he cared about, that nobody asked him about, just because he confessed to you feelings he hasn’t said out loud in more than 24 years… that didn’t mean anything. He had a mate. A mate he loved, a mate he was sworn to forever. He had a family, children, a life. It was nothing. So he did his duty and helped you, keeping a safe distance and the conversation to a minimum, outside of instructions he ought to give you. Still, despite his apprehensions, being with you was easy. You were docile and listened well, you were quiet and kept to yourself, and, in the moments you did talk, there was a pureness, a light to your heart that made his own feel lighter. 

“Good form. Now focus on the target and, when you’re ready…”

He watched as the arrow flew at high speed and travelled the length of the forest until it hit the ground next to a tree marked with an X - a makeshift target, but it did the job. 

“Release.” 

“Sorry.” Your ashamed disposition was as clear as day on your face and in your body language, and the purple twinge in your cheeks brought forth the luminosity of your tanhi and he hated himself for noticing it to begin with. 

“Don’t be. You did well. Just make sure you draw all the way back before releasing. The target’s a bit narrower than you’re used to, so you’re doing well.” 

His eyes softened taking you in. A sigh reverberated from deep within his chest and he said the words before he could stop himself, fully knowing he might regret them later. 

“Let’s focus on your tracking instead for a little while. A change of scenery might do you well.”

He knew he should leave the tracking skills for back to the village, for someone else to teach you. He should just hurry back home - to his life, to his wife, to the normalcy he’s both craving and desperately afraid of. Any extra time spent with you is time where he could talk and say something, confess something else that is better left unsaid, fall prey to your uncanny ability to see through him, to will out words he hasn’t even realised he’s been dying to say out loud. 

The ground was wet and cold, accentuated by the heavy moisture surrounding you. it still took getting used to, the air, breathing it in and out, like you were born to do so, such a colossal departure from the mask that covered your face for most of 23 years of your life. Still, it was a blessing, and one you made sure to appreciate with every breath you took. You forgot a little about it, all the gratitude, as the air felt particularly dense and thick as you took it in, as the man you now called mentor crawled skilfully like a steady, stealthy apex predator, little to no evidence of his presence other than the hand that was rested carefully on the small of your back, sending bouts of electricity all throughout your body. His voice was quiet as he spoke it near your ear, a velvet shroud that enveloped you and stirred something in you, something primal and carnal, something you’ve never felt before. What was happening to you? What was he doing to you?

“Lower, kid. The lower you are to the ground, the fainter your scent, the easier to hide.” 

“I-it’s… hard.” 

You could hear his smirk as he answered your quiet protestation, and you wondered whether he found it endearing or irksome, praying and hoping with as much power as you still had left in you that it was the former. 

“I know, girl. Guess we’ll have to train those abs for more core strength, huh?” 

You were happy your back was to him so he couldn’t see the violent blush haunting your cheeks, but even so, there was little you could do about your rampant heart or your heaving breath.

“I can hear your heartbeat like it’s echoing through the whole forest. And if I can, every other animal on a half a click radius can, too. You have to learn to calm your mind. Can you do that for me?”

Although what he was asking of you seemed impossible, considering his touch set your body and soul ablaze and your mind’s already erratic rumination seemed to reach an incandescent high, you tried, and although every muscle in your body hurt and ached, much like the first few times you allowed yourself to train in this body, you did as you were told, and, by early afternoon, you managed to track a pack of Yarik without even as much of a perk of the ear to give you away. You remember still, those early days, like they were happening to you now, as you stood here, in your bedroom, as the tears blurred the familiar space, the rock you were holding so tightly in your hand that it was cutting through your palm until all that inundated your sight was a watercolour red stain. You should have known then. What would follow. When he touched you, how it made you feel, you should have known to stay away. Norm once told you life, especially in your 20s, was about the joys and miseries of growing pains, but if you knew, how the journey was full of polarising extremes that pulled at every fibre of your being, how the high was insurmountable, but the pain was unbearable, maybe you would have thought twice before jumping in. 

You wonder if he knew, then. If he felt it, too. You wonder if he realised that this was the beginning of the end, if the pull you felt was the same one that drove him to what came after, to all he ended up putting on the line. You wondered if it was all a ploy, getting you alone, or if he truly just wanted to help, innocent and undiscerning, just a dutiful Olo’eyktan. You thought you knew his heart, and how much it hid and how much it hurt, you thought you came to know it all through all this time, but as the bleeding in your heart mirrored your gashing palm, you weren’t sure anymore. 

“Come.”

The Yarik were all gone now, unfrightened by your unassuming presence, which you took as a win. Still, you almost flinched when his now much louder voice rang above the quiet murmur of the forest. 

“Where?”

“You worked hard today, so you deserve a break. And I know just the spot.” 

Jake wasn’t sure if it was a good idea, what he was about to do, but he knew you needed something to break apart the times of pain and struggle. It was something he’s learnt, being here, on Pandora, as one of the people, that there was more to life than duty, than sacrifice and pain, then the daily struggle of fitting in, of pitching in, of simply existing. You had to live life, face it, enjoy it. And he wanted you to have that, especially now. He understood, more than most, what it was like to be inhibited and trapped to a space or a time, paralysed, literally or figuratively to your immutable circumstance. For him, it was his legs, trapping him in a body he hated and couldn’t recognise, in habits he took on just like the soldier he’s always been, because there was nothing else he could do. For you, it was your human body, that confined you to the lab, to a mask, to a life that could never be experienced fully, until now. So, despite a small part, probably the logical part of his mind, telling him he should just keep the training going or go home, he decided to share with you a place he found while hunting for food last night. And when he saw your face as you took it in, all doe-eyed and bushy tailed, ears twitching enthusiastically and a beautiful, innocent smile taking over your whole face, he knew he made the right call. He found his own smile brewing without being able to contain it, your joy so contagious, it was like the whole world shone just a little brighter than it had a few minutes ago.

“Jake… I love it. Thank you.”

The roar of the waterfall crashing on the otherwise peaceful lake almost drowned your words, and he laughed at the way you were tentatively approaching the water, as if scared that the caress of it on your skin might hurt your already aching muscles. 

“Good. Let’s see how you like it up close.” 

And with that, and a gentle tap on your shoulder, a loud splash ensued where you hit the water. He laughed yet again at the way you emerged from it, wet and startled and almost as if you could not believe what just happened. 

“I-I… you… I cannot believe you did that!” 

He couldn’t help how much fun it was, doing this, being with you - it was as if for the first time in ages, in decades, being alive was fun again. It was as if this forest was completely separated from his own, from what was waiting for him back home, the unsurmountable pressure that plagued him every second of every day, especially since the humans returned. 

“Believe it, kid. You need to learn to let loose once in a while, you know?”

You rolled your eyes, but seemed intrigued by his preposition. 

“I will if you will.” 

And so he did. And for the next few hours, life was easygoing and fun, and spending time in your presence felt like coming out for a deep breath when it felt like he’d been drowning. He’s learnt you didn’t really know how to swim, and that the first song you’ve ever learnt on piano was one you deeply related to, that he’s made you promise you’d sing to him, and he found out plenty of small things, but nothing important, or of substance. It was clear to him more and more you loved being the one asking the questions and never the one answering them, and, soon enough, here you were again, curious as a cat about things nobody else was when it came to him.

“Did you ever expect it?” the sun was still shining brightly upon you both, warming your strong, supple bodies as you floated in the otherwise cold water. Eclipse wasn’t too far behind, but right now, neither of you particularly seemed to care. 

“What’s that?” You continued floating, looking intently at the sky - focused or too embarrassed to look at him, Jake couldn’t really tell. 

“Everything. What you did, what happened. Did you ever expect it, when you were offered a place on a shuttle to Pandora?” Once again, Jake was taken aback by your propensity of asking deep, profound, intimate questions like you were asking about the weather. He wondered briefly if you realised that that’s not how most people talked.

“No… I didn’t. I didn’t care, about the job or the mission. I cared about the money. And later, about the chance to get my legs back.” 

“Do you ever miss it? Being… normal.” 

“I was given a second chance - a purpose bigger than me, bigger than the measly life I left behind. I -“ this finally got your attention, and for the first time since your first question, you adjusted your position in the water so that you were fully facing him, inquiring eyes like beads of light and focus, intent on taking in every expression, every shift in mood, every slight adjustment of his face. You tried again, this time more forceful and intense, this time almost demanding of his full attention.

“That wasn’t my question. It’s a privilege, and an honour, to be who you are…”

He struggled as he always did to stifle a roll of his eyes and the speech he’s heard a million times before, from his wife, or his Tsa’hik, from every villager of the Omatikaya, from every other tribe leader he’s ever met through diplomatic missions. The answer he always kept at the ready was caught in his throat, because you kept going.

“…but I’m sure it’s also tiring, and hard. And lonely. So do you ever miss it? Do you ever wish things could go back to the way they were? Do you ever wish you didn’t have to be there for everybody all the time?”

He looked at you, pleading, not knowing whether he needed you to stop or keep going, only knowing it hurt, being torn at the seams like that between two choices that both led to heartbreak and epiphanies he wasn’t ready to face nor strong enough to deal with on his own, especially right now.

“Kid…” 

“I went too far again, didn’t I? What is wrong with me?” 

The attempt to get out of the lake was swiftly overthrown by his much stronger physique keeping you in place, caging you in between the edge of the lake and his muscular arms. Jake wasn’t an emotional man, he wasn’t one to be overcome with feelings that could cloud his judgement, that could interfere with a plan of action and yet, standing there, in that moment, your wide golden eyes looking fearfully and surprisedly up at him, the rapid pulse of your heart clearly visible in your carotid artery running up your neck, he felt his mind clouded and his own heart trembling with the overwhelming, unexpected urge to taste you, to feel those lips crashing over his, your tongues intertwined, his fingers wander in wondrous places he was sure no one else had before. He needed you, like he’s scarcely ever needed anything else, like he rarely ever allowed himself to. But you weren’t his, you never would be. And this was wrong and immoral, and it didn’t matter - that you seemed to be able to see right through him, that everything you said cut like a knife through all the bullshit and pretence, that your pupils were so wide they were swallowing the golden of your irises, that he could feel that you wanted it too. None of it mattered. 

“You didn’t go too far. You just… see things. And ask things, no one else ever does. And it scares me, kid. You scare the shit out of me.” 

“Me? I’m nothing. I’m… just a girl.”

“You’re everything.”

It was then you knew, that the crush was not a crush, it was so much more, too much more. It was then you knew you were heading for a potentially life-altering, life-ending fall that would break all your bones and leave you tethered on the ground, shattered and broken, unable to ever be put back together the same. And so you tried. You broke the moment that felt eternal, even though it pained you, to know at some point he wouldn’t be looking at you the way he had been then, and asked him to go home. You were quiet and compliant all the way back, and he made it easier on you by a performance of the same caliber. You didn’t know if it made you feel better or worse, that the moment clearly affected him too, enough that both of you looked like dogs with their tails between their tails as you arrived back in the village, without having spoken another word to the other, without as much as risking a glance in the other’s direction.

It was for the best. There was nothing, absolutely nothing that could come of entertaining this little troubled happenstance, and truth be told, you couldn’t wait for your life to get back to normal, where he barely spoke to you and you were free to withdraw within yourself the way you knew you had to in order to heal. You were able to get over your mindless crush once before, and you were certain to be able to do it again, especially given you would had the perfect opportunity in the annual clan celebration that you had come just in time for. 

“How was it?” Neteyam was quietly hopeful about your trip with his dad, eager to be able to call you one of the People as soon as he possible could. Any effort to aid that, to allow you closer to a life he knew you deserve and knew you could make your own, was beneficial and encouraged in his mind. You loved Neteyam, and appreciate him for who he was and what he meant to you - a brother, a best friend, a confidant. You told him most things and yet, some things were just too ugly to share, and so you didn’t. Some things were better off swept under the rug, praying the lump they made was not big enough to trip on. 

“Great. I think he was right, being away from all the prying eyes helped. Guess I’ll just have to show you tomorrow. Who knows? I might even be better than the mighty warrior soon, eh?” 

He threw his head back and laughed, and you joined in his joy, already feeling better just being away from him, leisurely walking trough the village and helping out with anyone who needed a hands for tonight’s celebration. 

“Dream on, paskalin. Although, you could show me what you learnt tonight, and maybe even win a prize in the knife throwing contest. Better than sulk all night in a corner the way I know you’re itching to do.” 

“Actually, I wasn’t planning on doing that. Not tonight.” 

“Oh?” You wish you hadn’t said that, because you should have realised Neteyam would be curious and it was a subject you didn’t feel ready to talk to anyone about, especially a man, a beautiful, glorious, obviously-experienced one, such as your best friend. 

“I just mean, it’s time, you know? To try to live my life. Maybe even find someone with whom to share it with.” 

“Y-you mean… like a mate?” 

Neteyam looked taken aback by your confession, so much so that he stopped in the middle of the path, making two children bump into his legs and fall down behind him. It took a lot to make Neteyam flustered, and so you couldn’t understand why your words affected him so much. Was it so unsettling to people, the thought of an Avatar finding love on the planet that wasn’t quite home, but was the only chance at home you would ever get? Were you so repulsive as a person that the one who knew you the best thought it hard to digest that you could ever be loved by a man? 

“Forget about it, Neteyam. I’ll be at the celebration, alright? I should go get ready.” 

You left before you could hear his excuses or explanations - you knew you were sensitive, probably too sensitive. You knew you were probably overreacting, and his words didn’t have any malintent, and you knew he was most likely just taking a second to adjust to a new stage of your life you’ve never shared with him before. You knew all of these and more, and yet, your heart was tired and bruised, your mind a tumultuous whirlwind of doubt and misery. You needed time, time to heal, time to think. Time you didn't have, when the celebration was upon you.

You almost wanted to laugh now, months after that night happened, at how stupid you had been that night, how desperate and pathetic. You knew about some Na'vi, certain warriors who loved the idea of humans, of experimenting with them, of using them. You've heard the stories, you've seen the scientists coming back to the lab with them, you've been around when they talked about how good it was, how necessary the release, how passionate and life-changing the experience. In your head, that was exactly what you needed then: some sex with some random Na'vi who wanted to show you a good time, help you forget about the one you really wanted. It wasn't hard enough to find one that night, especially after you won your prize in the knife throwing competition, when the warmth of liquid courage was still embedded deep within your throat and soul, much to Neteyam's dismay. Still, the performance attracted attention, of one man in particular you cared about. Strong, 10 feet tall and muscular, he was looking at you like a meal and right then, you wanted nothing more to be devoured. You wondered what your life would have been like if that night went differently than it did. You wondered...

He barely noticed it, his wife’s touches or his clan members’ words of admiration or respect, not when the only thing his mind could focus on was the way his hand was caressing your shoulder and down your arm in gentle and intimate touches that felt too familiar for two people who have seemingly barely ever interacted before. His skin crawled at the sweet, shy smile you were sending his way and at the slight tint of purple he could see in your cheeks. You were too pure for this, Jake knew. Too pure for the intentions clear on his face that he didn’t think you fully understood, how this was all a game, a conquest, how you were a prize to be won, a trophy to be paraded around to the Na’vi who loved to brag about fucking the Avatars, the humans, the aliens. It was a game to him, and you… you weren’t a game to be played, not to Jake. 

To his surprise, he realised he was angry with you. Angry that you were humouring him, that you were giving into it, that you were enjoying it. That guy was not good enough for you, and you should know that. You should know that for your first time being touched, being someone else’s, you needed someone who knew how to handle you, how to make you feel good, show you what it feels like to give in to your wildest dreams and fantasies. You needed someone to teach you. The fury bubbling just beneath the surface worried him.

You weren’t his. You were free to do as you wished, and the thoughts that plagued him as the mother of his children was sitting in his lap, perfectly unaware, were enough to pool other feelings, like guilt and shame, and form a heady concoction of emotions that he knew sooner or later would explode all around him. None of the feelings trumped the relief that washed over him as soon as he saw Lo’ak approach the two of you and break apart the scene, and right then, in that moment, Jake never felt more grateful for his troublemaker son and his propensity for meddling in other people’s business.

You looked disappointed with the interruption, slightly irked at his son and at the way the hand that was running up and down your thigh was now vacant from the spot you obviously thought it belonged on. The boy was clearly annoyed at Lo’ak, and a smirk breeched the carefully constructed expression resting on the Olo’eyktan’s face - annoyed or not, everyone knew better than to challenge one of his sons. So, with a careful goodbye, he was gone, leaving you gesticulating widely in his direction and clearly despondent with the outcome. It wasn’t long before you left for your tent, and Jake knew that if he was to survive this night, he’d have to be careful not to give in to the one thing he wished for the most in the world. 

Your shower was hotter than what you were used to, hot enough to hopefully scald away the shame and embarrassment you felt now that you were sober once more. Your life seemed to be comprised mostly of those, recently, and while it was somewhat easy to forget how badly you fared in training your Avatar body once you got back to your bedroom and the safe confines of the labs, this new, fresh development lingered like a cold sore, painful whenever you remembered it. Did anyone else apart from Lo’ak see you, shamelessly flirting and allowing a Na’vi warrior to feel you up? Did everyone know how desperately you wanted someone to take you away and make you forget about the one man you actually wanted, the man who made all the other ones pale in comparison, the one man who you couldn’t have? You knew it was so wrong, how badly you craved his touch, what effect even a fleeting image of him in the back of your mind had on you, how your slick was running down your legs, how your brain couldn’t stop conjuring all the ways he could teach you how to be, how to love, how to live. How you knew his touch would ruin you and put you back together, kill you and finally bring you to life. 

As you fastened your towel onto your body and opened the door to your bedroom, you were startled to find the one man you couldn't shake from your mind sitting on your bed, eyes wandering over your barely dry body.

“God, Jake, you scared me!”

You couldn't believe he was in your room, as if by thinking about him hard enough you manifested him here. He was so tall, so much bigger than you as you stood now, in your human body, frail and delicate and so easy to break. He barely fit on your bed and in your room, taking most of the walking space, so much so you struggled to adjust your position to face him properly.

“…What are you doing here?” 

“What were you doing with that grunt at the party?”

You couldn't believe your ears, settling on a double take as you considered his question carefully, mulling over every word in your mind, as if doing so will finally reveal a secret meaning to it that you couldn't quite understand yet.

“Pardon?” 

“You heard me, kid.”

His words were dry and humourless. There was no levity to them, or to the situation, the room filled with thick tension, and for the first time in your life, you were almost...scared of him. Why did he care?

“I… he… we…”

“That’s what I thought. Why him? If you want someone to mate, I’m sure there’s better options out there.” 

“I don’t want to talk about it, Jake.”

You started turning around, dizzy from the way his presence was making you feel and tired of giving him so much power to do so. You didn't manage to, though, as his large hand caught your forearm and held you in place, and when you were forcefully turned back to look at him, you saw it all. The hurt. The anger. The... betrayal. The jealousy.

“No, this isn’t how this works. You always ask questions and get me talking about shit I haven’t said out loud in decades, or ever. You’re not going shy on me now, not anymore. So why him?” 

Fuck it.

“Because it’s not you, ok?! Because it can’t be you! And I don’t know if you’ve realised this, but it’s not like I have a line of men willing to mate or even be seen with a human, an alien, a sky demon. So it has to be him! That’s why.” 

“Kid…”

The tears were pooling in your eyes like beaded pearls making your vision blurry, and the struggle with which you've been trying to remove yourself from his grasp finally paid off because you did it, you finally manage to break free, but it was too late. You were exhausted, and you knew it was time to lay it all on the table, once and for all, for him to know, and to disprove, for him to break your heart so you could finally move on.

“No, Jake! You’re in my head, all the time. It’s messing with my mind, the deluded reality I’ve been living in. You talk to me, and you notice me, and you give me attention. You touch me, and you look at me like…”

Soft sobs broke your words apart and let their meaning linger all around you, sounding like infinite echoes in the room. It would all be over soon.

“...Like you want me. And I know you don’t, and I know it’s not real, and it hurts me! So I need something else, I need someone else, I need someone to show me there’s other men out there, to pull me out of this nightm-“

His lips, soft and needy, not at all like you imagined them to be, ceased your pleading words before you got a chance to speak them. It took a second, just one second, for you to understand what was happening, to process the way the kiss was everything you've ever wanted and more than you've ever dreamed about, the way he was desperate and hungry for your touch, for you to reciprocate his feelings... so you did. And you melted under his touch, and before long, the whole world disappeared from view, and there were no consequences to your actions, and all you knew, all you needed... was him.

You were both panting when you finally came up for air, and all you wanted was more. More. A little more. Always more.

“Fuck, kid. You’ve got no idea how much I want you. But I’ll show you.” His hand wandered down your much smaller body, until his large fingers found the knot of your bathrobe, that he skilfully undoes, before sliding them over your soaked folds. “Shit. Look how wet you are for me. Let me show you, please.” 

With a nod, you dropped your head backwards and knew, in your heart, whatever was next would be the beginning of the end, of you, of him, of everything you’ve both worked so hard for and yet, all you felt was unadulterated, heavenly, euphoric bliss. 

Maybe I blame my mother bleeding into my stride Maybe it was my father and his wandering eyes (It's their fault that) I'll always be in your corner 'Cause I don't feel alive 'til I'm burnin' on your backburner

taglist:@yagirlheree @mashiromochi @deepdarktower @tojisleftarm@childofgod-05 @youngpersonaathletebear @cinetrix @hinataashoyos @i-live-in-a-fantasy-daydream @misscaller06 @v1l-ismissing @legendarynoodlebowl@analuw @imjustcal @the-fractured-eye @pandoraontop @sweetirilly @kouyoumarryme @blxkstar @ok-boke @myheartfollower @the-mourning-moon @pandoraslxna @jakexneytiri @blue-slxt @kingjulian0o9 @erenjaegerwifee @babyduk213 @@toocoldoutsideforyou

[lunaticsandidiots]

What would adrian be like with s/o that has asd/ADHD?? 💜

!!!!!! THIS TOPIC WAS MADE FOR ME BECAUSE I GOT THE 2 FOR 1 SPECIAL BABY !!!!!!

adrian with a neurodivergent s/o…

alright so, i feel like i say this in every single HC i write but i headcanon as adrian as neurodivergent (i mean, it’s been confirmed-ish from james gunn himself so).

i don’t know if he’d have a formal diagnosis or whether he’s just rawdogging it (shoutout to my buddies who r out here freestyling it rn i see u and im proud of u <3).

BUT when he met you, he’d be enraptured.

‘they’re…. they’re just like me… THEY’RE JUST LIKE ME FR!!!’.

if you’re not one to mask, he’d be instantly drawn to your bluntness, so relieved he doesn’t have to struggle to try and read you. all he wants to do is be around you.

if you’re like me and you don’t really have a ‘coherent’ train of thought (aka you speedrun through 15 seemingly unrelated topics in a minute), he’d be able to follow along just fine, maybe even finding it stimulating (and again relieving that he doesn’t need to force himself to focus on (1) singular topic for a billion years like everyone else wants to).

i think this is one of the rare occasions he might have A Thought™, mildly concerned as to why he feels SO comfortable around you (answer: its because he doesn’t have to mask in order for you to take him seriously).

you guys would definitely pick up each other’s stims, communicating half the time through random noises or quotes from tv shows that one of you picked up somewhere.

and if one of you did something cool on a mission, the rest of the gang would watch on in confusion (and amusement) as you both start doing his flappy arms.

(these ones)

i think the hardest parts would be the no-spoon days and the meltdowns, and that’d come down to how the other was feeling in the moment (and how well you knew each other).

in saying that, if you usually just need space to calm down, his inability to coddle people might actually work in your favour (we saw how he comforted chris). you definitely wouldn’t need to worry about him trying to hold you or asking you to explain.

i don’t think he’d be very… proactive about fixing whatever caused the meltdown, but if you’re able to choke out a few words regarding the issue (ie. the musics too loud), he’d be throwing the speaker out the window and smashing it to smithereens with a baseball bat in the blink of an eye. ‘it upset you, so it needs to go.’

your love language would definitely be info dumping about your special interests to each other.

adrian’s very particular about his interests, but even if yours wasn’t something he’d normally be interested in at all, i feel like just seeing the pure joy and passion in your eyes as you talk about your thing would make him want to hear all about it, asking questions to watch you talk more and surprising you with little gifts related to it.

(all subconscious btw, i cant see him actively thinking ‘oh they like this thing, i can be thoughtful about it by doing xyz!’, i think he’d just be so fucking obsessed with seeing you so excited about something that he’d do anything he could to see it again).

also, don’t expect him to bring any sort of order or organisation to the table. it might make things hard at times - if the both of you were struggling a little more at the same time, there might be the potential for miscommunications or meltdowns because of something broken, forgotten or lost.

but he always says exactly what’s on his mind, that’s one thing he can do, so you’re always going to get a straight forward answer from him, and i feel like he’d appreciate the fact that you’re more inclined to be the same way.

[ground-riot-jack]

Number 1 | K. Bakugou |

idk what this is man, an origin story maybe?? idk bakugou is an asshole and reader is a badass

The ratings where in, this is it, the big moment. After years of hard work and dedication, you’re finally about to find out if you made it the number Number 1 Hero Spot. You walk out on the stage with the other Top 5 heroes, one being your long term boyfriend, Bakugou. You’d been dating since highschool and worked at the same agency that he created.

“And for our number 2 Hero, we have...Ground Zero! Number 1... Angel! Thank you heroes for protecting and sacrificing your lives for us!” The announcer practically yelled at the large crowd of people.

You couldn’t believe it. You did it. You were the number 1 hero in all of Japan and your boyfriend was right behind you. The lights of the stage felt like power surging through your body. Your large white wings fluttered in excitement. You took your place at the number one podium and felt warm tears of joy stream down your face, you feel pata on your back and can hear congratulations swirling around but you can barely stand up straight.

Soon someone hands you a microphone, the crowd quieting down.

“Thank you all so much, I will work hard every single day until my body gives up to make sure this great nation is protected. I’ve worked very hard to get here so thank you all for recognizing my hard work and determination. I wanna thank Ground Zero, for being the best partner and for helping me get where I am. It won’t be easy but I will take this number 1 spot and wear it with pride. Thank you, i love you all” You spill out happily, you turn and grab onto Katsuki, hugging him and congratulating him on Number 2. You’d both climbed so high and so quickly since you’re UA days, it’s made you happy that you’ve come so far with the person you love most.

Bakugou however, didn’t look happy. It was extremely rare to see a smile on his face, but at the very least you’d expected his bored face. But now, he looked angry. He looked like he was ready to level the city withy he scowl pressed on his face.

“babe, what’s wrong? you good?” You grab his large bicep, getting him to look at you. His bright red eyes snap to yours and you feel locked in with how much animosity they hold.

“I’m ready to go home” He spits out before turning and walking back to the car you’d both arrived in.

You took a few more pictures with fans before following your grumpy boyfriend. As soon as you sat in the car, you could feel the tension thick in the air.

“Ok seriously babe, what the hell is wrong? We got the top spots, that’s amazing!” You turn towards him as the driver head back to your place.

“It’s nothing” He managed to say through his teeth with his are locked together with how tight he’s clenching his jaw.

“It’s something, you’re getting ready to blow this car up”

“I said it’s nothing, Angel” He speaks, the name oozing in malice and anger. Suddenly it clicked.

“You’re jealous that I got the number one spot while you got number two. jesus christ katsuki, could you be any more pessimistic. Why can’t you just be happy for me that i’ve reached a goal i’ve been trying to get my whole life? Number two is in no way shape or form bad.” You huff and fall back against the seat, you watch Bakugou clench and unclench his fists while staring out the window.

“I have to be number one and be better than All Might” He growls quietly, you knew it was a somewhat sensitive subject, but you couldn’t believe your ears.

“All might? Katsuki, you’re 23 years old, you can’t truly expect to be better than All Might right now? All might wasn’t even this good at this age yet, you’re way ahead of schedule. You can’t be happy for me because you wanna be better at 22 years old than All Might was in his prime? You’re delusional katsuki.”

“I HAVE TO BE NUMBER ONE”

“THATS FINE BUT WHY CANT YOU BE HAPPY THAT TOUR GIRLFRIEND IS NUMBER ONE?”

“BECAUSE IT SHOULD BE ME”

“so you think I don’t deserve this katsuki? You think what? I haven’t worked hard enough? I’m nor strong enough? I’m not good enough? WHAT IS IT KATSUKI? Why don’t I deserve to be number one? Why do you think your were unfairly judged?”

You both stared at each other in silence for a while, anger boiling into the atmosphere. You understood the only thing that drove bakugou in highschool was his need to be number one. You were both adults now, and you were in love with each other. You’d hoped that you’d made a big enough impact on bakugou that your life and love together would be enough of a motivator to be great, the way it was with you.

You felt that car pull into your large home, and immediately jumped out, racing up to your shared bedroom. You got out of your hero costume and into leggings and a tank top. You took off all your makeup and picked the confetti out of your wings. You looked up as Bakugou walked in the room.

“Im not sorry that I’m not settling for number two, I never will and you know it, but i am sorry for yelling at you and the way I acted.” Katsuki grumbled while looking at the floor. Usually, his awkward and hesitant apologies warmed your heart and made you gush at how cute your angry boyfriend was, but now you find yourself staying angry.

“That’s not an apology katsuki. You refuse to be happy for me, even though you promised you would be. You refuse to even acknowledge how much work I put into this to be number one. I am THE youngest Hero to hit number one and you can’t even say good job babe. Instead you get angry and jealous and mean because it wasn’t you. Never mind the fact that you jumped from 10 to 2 which is THE biggest jump anyone’s seen in years bakugou. You won’t even let yourself be happy at what you’ve done, because you’re too busy being jealous” You poke his chest, finally standing in front of him.

“It’s not a bad thing to want to be the best” He crosses his arms, getting defensive.

“Of course not babe, I want you to be the best too. So why don’t you want me to be the best?”

“It’s not that, it’s-“

“It’s what Katsuki?”

“I made a promise to myself-”

“YOU MADE A PROMISE TO ME KATSUKI. You gave me this fucking promise ring and told me that you you’re gonna support me no matter what. That we were gonna work hard to get to where we need to go and we were gonna do it together. You promised me you’d be by my side. That’s the difference between us babe. You need to be number one for yourself, I need to be number one for us. You’ve forgotten that” You wipe your tears and move around the tall man in your way. It hurt that Katsuki couldn’t see this was bigger than his highschool days. This was your life together. You hadn’t spoken to All Might or even Midoriya in years, so why was it so hard for him to accept you as a permanent part of his life.

“Baby, i’m sorry I just. I get one track minded and I was so hopeful that this was finally the day. I needed so bad to be number one-“

“THIS IS NO LONGER ABOUT BEING NUMBER ONE KATSUKI, THIS IS ABOUT HOW YOU CANT SEE THAT YOURE TREATING ME LIKE A SIDE CHARACTER. I AM YOUR GIRLFRIEND!! For fucks sake katsuki, we live, work, sleep, eat do and do everything together, so the fact that I’m not even one of the reasons you go out and do what you do hurts because this” You pause and gestured to everything around you. “This is the reason I wake up every morning, you are the reason I fight crime and your reason is, a childhood rivalry. You’re am adult now, you’re supposed to be friends with midoriya and all might and you’re supposed to be over this whole thing. This isn’t supposed to be the thing that drives you. I’m not saying I have to be too of the list but it would be nice to be on the list” You sigh and look at your boyfriend. You knew this wasn’t healthy to yell at each other like this, but you needed him to understand where you’re coming from.

“Baby, Of course you’re my reason for waking up and being a hero, I would do anything to protect you, it’s just I always pictured me at Number 1 with my agency and you and a family. I have a need, a primal urge to be number one and that’s never going to change. Doesn’t mean i don’t love your dumbass”

“Well I’m number one Katsuki, and I earned the hell out of it. I worked my ass off day and night for weeks and months and years so that I could have this. And to see you pout and complain and look me in my face and tell me you don’t think I deserve this spot hurts more than some cute little apology where you call me dumbass lovingly. So i’ll ask you again, why don’t you think I deserve this spot? What makes you better?” You squinted your eyes at the tall man and clench your jaw.

“Im physically stronger-“ You interrupt your boyfriend by grabbing his arm and kicking his legs out from under him, using your wings to flip him over in his back, pinning him down.

“You’re so close minded katsuki, that you don’t even know what i’ve. been doing for the past 8 months. I an the number one hero you think i didn’t train to be stronger than everyone around me?” You ask, hurt laced in your voice.

“Fine, you deserve this spot. You’re the best.”

“You dont meant that, I’m gonna make you fucking mean it Katsuki. One day you’re gonna see me and i’m gonna be the best and you’re gonna be in awe of my power and then you’ll finally see that i deserve this.” You push off of him and stand up your wings tucking close to your body.

“Just-give me a week babe. I promise I’ll make it up to you and I’ll show you I am happy for you, it’s just difficult being let down like this. I’m a sore loser and you know it.” Bakugou grabs your shoulder and pulls you close to his chest.

“You haven’t even said you’re proud of me yet. or that you love me. or even good job katsuki. You don’t believe i’m your heart that i deserve this do you?” You look at him, heart in your throat.

“I believe I should be number one. Every time.” Katsuki mutters in your hair like it was a compliment. You push him back, rage filling your body.

“You’re fucked up katsuki. I’m fucking leaving” You spit, throwing on a jacket and shoes, heading towards your front door.

“Where the hell are you going?!” Bakugou snarls as you move past him.

“Katsuki, I love you with every fiber of my soul, but right now looking at your face makes me wanna throw you across town and beat the shit out of you. I’ll be back tomorrow maybe” You mumble the last part, not really sure how long you wanna be away from your hot headed boyfriend.

“you can’t just fucking leave y/n, how do you expect to be number one of you can’t even stay and win a fight against your boyfriend.” Katsuki let’s out a dry laugh, causing you to turn away from your front door.

You lunge at Katsuki, ready to punch him until he understands you’re the number one hero. You two roll around fighting and spewing things typically reserved for villains. Bakugou pins you down on the floor, his knee on your chest and his hands holding both your wrists beside your head. You close your eyes and focus all your energy into your chest, a faint ball of white light glows from your heart. Ktsuki looks at it with realization before the energy is expelled from you and your boyfriend is sent flying across the living room.

“You did not just use Power Surge on me.” He growls. wiping the sweat from his brow.

“I did, and i’m fucking leaving and your not gonna say shit or so help me god katsuki, i will shoot a beam of light so bright and hot that you wake up blind, burnt and fucking single.” You use your wings to send you flying straight to your front door, you look back at your confused boyfriend once more before taking to the sky.

Bakugou began the cleaning process, shocked and confused. Why didn’t you understand he wants to be happy for you, he truly does, but his pride won’t let him get away with not winning. He decided to let you fly off to calm down for the night, opting to call and talk to Kirishima. The two friends ended up talking for a bit longer than expected, bakugou trying to get kiri on his side, not his girlfriends. It didn’t work however, Kirishima understood that bakugou would let his emotions cloud his mind, even when it came to you. By the end of the conversation, bakugou was almost has heated as he was while fighting you. He concluded the best option was to head to his agency and train for the night.

He arrived and decided to do some things around the office before heading to the training and workout wing of his large building. While going thru last minute files, there’s a knock on his door.

“Ground Zero, i wasn’t expecting you to be here so late.” A stranger smiles in Bakugou face as he opens his office door, his secretary smiling sheepishly.

“Who the hell are you?” He cocks his head and tries to figure it out before he’s told, one of those weird habits he’s picked up being a hero.

“My apologies. I’m Niko Takeyama, I work for the Hero Commission. How would you like to be the number one hero by this time next month.”

[bibbykins]

Yo, I hope you're good and feel free to answer this whenever coz I feel like world's working against us and just dumping anything to not let us rest (with that said, my university is currently speed running it's way to finals, bro we only had like 2 fucking weeks after our prelims and then bam. 3 am here and at 11, my first exam starts :)

With that said, I'm thirsty for some toxic fiction. In silhouetted bonds, if things didn't work the way Namjoon wanted it to be, what would change? What would happen? Like I'm imagining the mc still agreeing to the plea and going back to that place but I'm imagining her that within two months, she'll suddenly ask to visit him and say that he can do whatever he wants, he can get his pricey attorney whatever, but she's done and that she wish that he'd live a happy life away from her then walk out.

Thanks for indulging me miss ma'am. 🥴😘

Ugh literally you're so right😩 im slowly finishing the other stuff I need to finish to free up some writing time and I'm like vibrating with excitement lmao! I hope things slow down for you too!! And good luck on your exams pls get some rest or promise yourself an immaculate nap after!!!

Also LMAO toxic fiction is just fun to read so I get it! First off, very bold to assume SB!MC would wish him a good life, she is violently vengeful on a good day, buuut her not falling in love with him was a very real possibility for them. If Namjoon hadn't thought of every possible word to say and every possible way she'd react and absolutely fumbled, here's how it would go down:

-He'd take a deep breathe, silence would fill the air until he speaks, "Fine. I'll never force you into anything. I'll leave you alone." They bargain back and forth until he's promised to not meddle in her life more than once. He gets one chance to make an impact on her and that's it. It all ends with him saying a simple, "You know I'll always love you, right?"

-Namjoon would, as a result of the plea bargain not being held up, get out of prison almost immediately

-And then.... nothing.

-A year, maybe two, would go by. Enough time for MC to start to feel comfortable in living life again. She might even make some friends from work, maybe even go on a date here and there because it's been nothing but crickets from Namjoon.

-She would be partially disappointed (bc she's also p unhinged) that he didn't love her as much as she said, but either way, she would move on and get a really great job as an editor for a popular newsite

-Then, only when the time is right, only when she's really found a friend that she loves, only when she's found a friend group both in and out of work that bring her joy, only when she feels like she's found a real life of her own to lead, all hell breaks loose.

-She wakes up on a Monday way earlier than usual because her phone is buzzing like crazy. Something's... wrong.

-That friend she loves so dearly? Hates her now. Their partner is lying and saying MC came onto them, and her friend believes them.

-There's nothing else MC can say, she's blocked before she can get a word in, and everyone else in the friend group feel the same. After all, she never talks about her past, how do they know anything she's said is the truth?

-She had no choice but to face them at work- well, what was her work afterall.

-Turns out, the other slew of texts were that her huge newsite company is filled to the brim with corruption. All around MC she's seen CEOs and politicians drop like flies, she knew something was going on but didn't know what, and she had hoped her workplace reporting on all these scandals just might be safe.

-Protestors scream at her and employees trailing behind her as they walk in to work. Not that she's met with anymore warmth inside with her fellow coworker friends turning their back to her.

-Her whole life in one morning and one haphazard meeting, has fallen apart. The higher-ups want her to lie, to sign off on blatant lies, to pretend nothing is wrong, but she can't. Of course, her coworkers have no problem with it. She's the only fool who walks out of the building.

-She's alone, jobless, and lost in a city that knows her better than she knows it. Once again. All of a sudden, she's 18 again. All by herself, betrayed by the people she cherished.

-A couple months go by and she can't find a job in her industry. She's been predictably black listed after writing an op-ed for a rival paper about the corruption at her old newsite. The hype for that story came abd went and now she's on her way to look at a new, cheaper, apartment to live in when she bumps into... him

-Namjoon looks her up and down, genuine surprise on his face as he greets her with a shy smile on his face.

-He insists on walking her to wherever she's going and well, in her fragile state of solitude, it's like no time has passed at all.

-The pieces fall into place pretty quickly and in no time, she's right where she should've always been. Right by his side, as his Queen.

-He doesn't lie to her when he says the only thing he did in their time apart was ensure she got an interview the first job she applied for... He decides to omit the fact that he knew it was only a matter of time before that corrupt newsite was going to suffer from the change to his leadership. He decides to omit the fact that he knew you were going to be placed on a team with a ton of liars with their own baggage. He decides to onit that fact that he was only genuinely surprised when he saw you again because he didn't expect everything to fall into place so soon 💖

The end lmao I hope this made sense???? Idk im a mess and all the couples I write are too 🤪 Thank you for the ask and good luck again!!!!!

[everafterkeiji]

Song: Drivers License by Olivia Rodrigo

Pairings: Tooru Oikawa x fem! reader

Word count: 8k

A/N: wow im so thankful for those who waited this long for the sequel so here it is, i really hope you guys like this one and im semi sorry for the pain, but thank u!

previous

“I can’t find her, Oikawa!” Iwaizumi shouts with his voice trembling in secret, hands gripping each side of the steering wheel, feeling his heart race faster than his own engine. He couldn’t bear to watch the weary eyes of the person beside him. Deep down he knew it had something to do with his sudden presence. There’s no possible way that when everything has been going amazing for the both of you, it all turns into dust with the quick change of events.  

Because of him.

He should’ve known that the arrival of Oikawa would bring you back to rock bottom and him along with it but even if he seemed prepared for the upcoming events- the impact of how painful it was never lessened.  

What if you knew?

What if you knew that you were soon to be off his hands and return to Oikawa’s instead?

Imagining you with a suitcase in hand, watching you drag it as you walked beside Tooru to say goodbye to him while you both leave for Argentina is a sight that could make his now healed heart return to the shreds that it was when his best friend called him to tell him about his plans of bringing you back. It may have been a few days after that agonizing call but his heart has never been more content to see you smiling. You were both patching each other's missing pieces and even created new and better ones, replacing the sharp bits that deserved it.

But the boy who thought he could return it to its proper condition— ended up tearing them apart.

Tooru struggles to stay put in his seat. His heart held the same pace as Iwaizumis, maybe even faster. He visualized his coming home would’ve been better than this. Sure, he didn’t expect it to be a happy moment. He knew the different emotions you could portray once you see him and he prepares himself for the tears and the punches you’d throw knowing very well it was something he deserved.  

He just wishes he didn’t have to see you tucked away in Hajimes’ arms.  

But with Himari, he could expect something worse than that.

Oikawa looks over to Himari who bit her fingers, anxious on whatever was going on. He could sense the way Iwaizumi’s posture tensed up when they got in his car, though he might have mentioned what his intentions were, he felt like he still needed to repeat it to make him stop his doubts. The setter has mentioned Hirami to Iwaizumi through the call but there was still the threatening silence that surrounds you three.

“Please before you think or say anything else, we’re not in a relationship. Fuck, I would never do that to her and you know that.”

No matter what Oikawa said, there isn’t an ounce of ease that falls on Iwaizumi. The ace knows how your tears fell for the blonde. How you managed to doubt every feature of yours and replace them thinking that she was the version of perfection you wanted to obtain. You weren’t close to perfect but in the eye of the two players— you were certainly close to it. Himari may have been the ideal you looked for but Iwaizumi stood behind to make sure you never question yourself again. Witnessing how you cried for her, he just can’t stand acting like an acquaintance to the girl who you thought was Oikawa’s new lover.

But there she was, seated at the back with her thoughts running to where you were.

Himari finally sees the importance of coming back to Japan within the minutes of being seated in the vehicle. It had been months since she met the setter and not a day passes where she could see the loneliness in his eyes but there were subtle hints of joy in his voice. Seeing him get excited about arranging the apartment, even asking her if the area was close to some locations where they could relax, had her wondering just how you were stuck in his heart.  

At a certain moment, she enters the apartment Oikawa planned for the two of you to see him in the room clutched tightly on a pillow with tears in his eyes. It was the first time the apartment had been officially his and the first night he spent it with his usual choice of emotion— regret. She came in such a wrong time. Instead of being able to congratulate him in settling down in Argentina, she managed to sympathize with him instead. Then it began— the stories, the confessions, you. Everything that escaped his mouth that night all consisted of sentences dedicated to tell her how much of a mark you left on his life.  

With the stories he told, she was excited to meet you. She wanted to hug you if you’d let her because she too was abandoned by a lover with another woman. She didn’t side with Oikawa when she found out that he was the reason, he received a smack to the head when she heard. It shouldn’t circle in her mind knowing you two were strangers but she never wanted anyone to go through the pain that she had passed. To think that Oikawa spoke so often of you yet he was the one to let your relationship part like he wanted to do, felt too ironic to believe.  

So, she helped him. Remembering what she went through for her past half, she couldn’t handle seeing another pair withstand it. Especially when there was a chance to save it.

But the blind eye and weakened mindset is to blame for the misunderstanding.

“I’m sorry but do you think she’s just back at his apartment?” Himari asks but Iwaizumi shakes his head. He knew you too well. You always promised that if you were to leave, you’d always come back before 11pm because he’d never sleep properly if you were out of his sight. It was way pass 10 and he left the apartment at 9:40pm to meet with Oikawa, needing his assistance in finding you. Now it’s 10:17 and he’s yet to receive any messages from you which fed his anxiety.  

He wanted to find you by himself but he knew how much Oikawa was begging the sky for you to meet with him again.

So, for the hundredth time, he forgets what his heart desired for him to do.

“There’s no way. Y/N should’ve been back now- fuck Oikawa what if she saw you?” Iwaizumi asks, his grip tightening more at the thought. The setter fiddled with his hands as the ace felt the weight of his worries. It was the worst thing that could happen but it became real without their acknowledgement.

With the possibility ringing in their heads, Oikawa steps into your shoes as he feels just how shattered your heart could’ve been if you saw him. Barely any time to explain himself or even get to be near you after a year of being away from you had his emotions tangled in knots but he needed to find a way to tame his and Iwaizumi’s fears.

“Hajime, calm down.” Oikawa tries— or at least begs him to do. It’s seen how his breaths weren’t under control and his usual composed figure was trembling with panic. If Iwaizumi fails to keep his mind straight, they’d be prone to danger.

“I can’t- you don’t understand!” He shouts as Tooru was taken aback by it, later his fists form a ball as he began to feel how unfair everything’s been. Hajime was underestimating Oikawa too much to the point that it looks like he wasn’t nearly as concerned.

“I don’t understand? I haven’t seen her in a fucking year and now she’s possibly missing and you don’t think I’m not losing my goddamn mind?” Oikawa argues back while Iwaizumi scoffs.

“Why didn’t you visit her then? Don’t tell me you weren’t ready while Y/N was ready to come back to you the moment you left!”  

Again, he was dumbfounded.  

He could never win against what was true.  

He truly wasn’t. Booking a flight and packing was the easiest part there is but the words that ran through his mind weren’t sure if he’d ever voice it out. The confrontation, to see you so broken because of him? Who can be ready for such a thing?  

He left without goodbyes, it’s a crime to come back and act like it didn’t happen. 

Yet what he’s been so at rage at was the fact that you found sanctuary in Iwaizumis’ arms instead of his.  

“You’re acting like you don’t fucking love her too!”

The way Oikawa’s voice echoed through the car made Iwaizumi’s heartbeat way louder than he expected.  

He was trapped, wasn’t he?

Iwaizumi deeply let’s his decision sit in his mind before his mouth could release it from him. Would a scoff mirror his denial? Averting the topic would lead to the same impression but if he agrees- that draws a line for years long of friendship between him and Oikawa. Covering a lie is better than whole heartedly admitting how he’s grown attached to you, while the man who left you was still in love with you like he was. Trying to lie to himself and allowing the denial stick with him was a situation he’d never be able to escape.  

The first time he’s ever loved someone turns into a war—battling with his morals and the person who’s fought by his side throughout the years.

But what would be the prize if he won?

“I know where she could be.” Oikawa suggests, his voice holding calmness but his mind let Iwaizumi’s silence in his previous comment rest in his mind. He couldn’t look at him because he understood why his own best friend would fall for you. He wasn’t oblivious to the time it took him to answer, or even how his eyes widened like a deer in headlights. He knew either way. The moment where Iwaizumi moved in with you- it was bound to happen because loving you is something that both boys will do until one of them bends a knee, even if one of them fails to be the first to do so.

“How are you sure she’d be there?” The young trainer asks as Oikawa sighs sadly when he reminisces to the time where he had met you on a little park on the way home. He figured that the way you looked that night was the same reaction you’d have if you saw him.

“What are you doing here?” Tooru asks, a curious yet worried tone in his voice. He watches you lift your head from your hands to look at him before tensing up when you realized who was standing in front of you. You quickly wiped your eyes as your stare remains anywhere but where he was.

“It’s nothing.” You whispered as he shakes his head before taking the seat next to you, looking at you while he wonders on how he can help even if he had no business to.  

“You’d kill me if I say that your acting is a 5/10.” He jokes while you rolled your eyes, not needing the teases but what held you back from being arrogant was that you could feel how he wanted to stay with you.

“Whatever problem that is- I’m here if you ever need me.” Tooru says, his voice lowering showing how sincere he was with his words. Carrying burden on your shoulders isn’t to be face when you’re all alone so he was willing to take some of the heaviness if you let him.

“Thanks, Oikawa.” You said, looking at him with gratitude. He smiles before standing up with a hand extended for you to take while you stare at him with confusion.

“Tooru. It’s better that way.” He says while you smile fondly taking his hand while you stand up, taking the spot beside him.

You were thankful that he didn’t bother to ask what caused this breakdown and he chose to let his presence do the comfort you really needed.

“What’s your favorite food?” You look at him with an eyebrow raised as he waits for your answer. With the endless choices you had to pick one— which was a struggle but you had to respond.

“It’s F/F.”

“Then I’ll take you to the place that serves the best of it.”

He shakes his head before looking at Iwaizumi while the other boy sighs, choosing to trust Oikawa. He was in another realization that there were still missing parts of your relationship that you haven’t told him and it makes him feel like a cast away but he had no other option.  

“We have to try and go to that location.” Himari suggests making Hajime sigh knowing trying is the only way to lead you back to him. He gestures for Oikawa to tell him the where while he listens intently on the details. Finding himself familiar with the place, he sighs in relief when he realizes it was a place located near the path you’d take home in your high school days.

But why was he nervous?

Every part of him was aching with anxiety even if he trusted Oikawa. Tooru knows more about you than Iwaizumi but the ace felt as if he was too close to finally knowing you the way the captain did. He was close to landing a soft spot in your heart- perhaps he’s already earned it but there’s still that worry that even if he tries, it wouldn’t alter.

What if he sees you all bruised up? What if your clothes were ripped and how could he continue to act like it wasn’t his fault he let you wander alone? Though he feels like you’d scold him when you find out he’s laid the blame upon himself. 

He just thinks about how he wanted things to be different from the way it was now.

Iwaizumi believed Oikawa, he truly did yet there was a sickening voice in his mind that badly wanted the false accusation to be true but this selfishness was put aside when he knew that this was something you wished the gods for.  

He swallows it hard. The truth that was meant to break no matter the circumstance.  

He may be someone you needed but Oikawa was and always will come before him.

“Moving in with her? How easy do you think this will be?” Iwaizumi asks, his phone held tightly in his hands while Oikawa bites his lip, thinking of ways to make sure he can convince his best friend to help him.  

“I’ve set everything. I just need you to help me out on this one.” Oikawa begs while Iwaizumi lets out a scoff followed by his eyes rolling at the dismay. It’s unbelievable how the setter thinks making you agree to this crazy idea was going to be a breeze- a walk in the park even. Imagining you just willingly accepting this offer with bags packed and little to no fighting- it seems like a different version of you. Iwaizumi knew that you deeply missed Oikawa but it didn’t mean you were always ready to face him. He’s seen instances where you’ve mistaken a man to be Tooru but your initial choice is to hold onto the ace and hid behind him. He feels how tense your grip was, probably in fear that Oikawa was there and that made him realize that you’ve yet to gather the confidence to meet him.

“I’ll be home soon and I know it’s going to be difficult but... please Iwa.”

“Do you think this is what she wants?” Hajime asks, wishing that his answer wasn’t what he was expecting. He knows how Oikawa’s efforts will be nothing if he lets all of this go but then again, this was too absurd to happen without fail.

And Iwaizumi can’t bear to let you go this quick.

“I love her, Hajime. This is what we’ve always wanted to do— be with each other. Now, I know I fucked up and this may not be the best decision but if I let her walk away again then who am I to say that I love her in the first place?”  

“The problem is that you walked away first, Oikawa. Do you think I’d like to see her be in the same amount of fucking pain you gave her throughout the year? I’m not letting her move in with you when not even half of your problems are fucking solved,” he pauses trying to catch his breath but then there it was— the selflessness that he didn’t want to appear because you can’t be selfish when you're not even his to begin with.

“But if she wants to go... I can’t stop her, can I?”

“Take a turn here.” Oikawa directs as Hajime follows suit. Upon seeing the familiar street, he relaxes a little. Tooru then steps out just as Iwaizumi turns off the engine.

“I’ll check first.” the boy declares while Iwaizumi sighs, leaning on the seat. Himari wonders if she should follow him, not that it bothered her to stay behind, but seeing Oikawa in a rush with a hazy mind doesn’t mean he’d be able to calm down. Iwaizumi could feel her worry so he speaks.

“You can go but if you get lost, message me.”  

Himari stays still for a second. It occurs to her they haven’t shared a single conversation and the nerves of intimidation shows itself. The moment she entered the car, she knew there was something more than just tension. Talking to him like there wasn’t that field of uneasiness was difficult.  

Because she knows that he loves you too.

“Thank you but can I ask you something?” she asks while Iwaizumi shifts his body to look at her and pay some mind to what she’s going to say.

“Is she mad at me?”

The boy was more than surprised to hear it from her.  

“I have a feeling she knows or if she doesn’t, I don’t want to be looked as the girl who took the person she loves.” She confesses softly while Iwaizumi remained silent letting the words sink in his mind. The blonde smiles at him fondly realizing that her outburst completely left him stunned.

“I like Y/N. Whether you believe me or not, Oikawa talks about her too much and I would love to get the chance to see her without rivalry. I just feel like—with the idea of me and that dumbass being together for a year, it really doesn’t sound comforting to think of.”

“You will meet but I can’t lie and say that you didn’t leave an impression on her.” Iwaizumi says, the past tension disappearing when he realizes that she really wasn’t what the photo made her to be. He wishes he could tell you just how much of a person Himari was other than the girl you’d want to be.

The girl sighs but accepts it knowing it wasn’t alien to her to understand what you could possibly feel.

“Guess I’ll be finding that asshole for a while.” She says and Iwaizumi nods but there was a question that he let pass his mouth.

“How come you like her that much?”  

Himari smiles as she stares at the sky before looking back at the boy left in the car.

“She reminds me of my girlfriend.”  

With that sentence and the ace’s jaw to the floor of a reaction, she lets out a laugh before opening the door and exiting the vehicle and an obviously flustered Iwaizumi.

_

“Y/N?” Oikawa calls out for the seventh time as he stands still for a second, his legs burning from running in circles. He pants but he decides that there was no other option but to keep going.  

Anything that it takes to love you more than he ever could.

“You and me, right?”  

“Come back to me.” He whispers, resembling you last year with one of your desperate attempts in his voice messages.

Then the tears formed while his energy was deafening.

“I’m so sorry.” He mutters, hiding his face in his hands as he lets the guilt him harder than it did compared to Argentina. You were here— a location away and he was growing more and more scared at the thought if you out this without a trace of evidence that you were safe though that issue was one of his biggest concerns but what follows it is that the hope that he gathered was dying.

“Are you?”  

Just as his eyes landed on your distant figure, his legs were glued to the floor.

Move! Fuck- I need to hold her but why can’t I move?

“Oikawa.” You called out to him, to confirm that your tears weren’t mistaking him for another person. You heard him but perhaps you needed more than just that. This is Oikawa. The person you’ve waited for, cried for, loved for how many years, yet both of your feet didn’t bother to step forward.

Were you waiting for someone else?

“Y/N.” Then his feet gave in, leading them to you as well as a pair of arms whose waited nothing else then to feel this sensation again. He buries his face in your shoulder, tears dampening your shirt as he held you tightly with his sobs resonating in your ear but your arms never reacted to him.

But you broke down as well.

You couldn’t believe it. He was here, embracing you with every ounce of love he gives you but you stood there like your heart didn’t endlessly wail for him but numbness seems to have sided with victory this time.  

At the time where you needed to speak, the words that you wished served as an embrace transformed into a weapon.

“Tooru, I need you to let go.” you whispered softly while he shook his head, sobbing harder when he ponders on the fear that holds him down. Was this the last time? The everlasting moment where he could show you his regret while he begs you to continue an ever after with him?

Was he just meant to circle the world without you?

“If I move to a certain place, will you follow me?” He asks as his hands continues to caress your cheek while you smiled at him, before letting your own hand run through his brown locks. He closes his eyes before wrapping his arms around your waist, his slow breaths calming you both noticing how exhausted he was.

“Anywhere you go, as long as I’m with you, I’ll follow.”

“You promise?” he whispers, not letting his eyes open as he lets his imagination take him to countries that the both of you could visit and a tiny smile falls on his face when he realizes that he’d be able to travel around the world with a person who he’ll be seeing at the end of the altar.

“Of course, Tooru.”

When he meant that it’d always be you and him, it was partially true.

But the saying didn’t mean you’d always be together.

So, it’s always you and him- against each other's heart since the world you promised each other has faded.

“Y/N, if I let you go, are you going to return?”  

“I held on, didn’t I? What’s there to return to, Oikawa?”

“I’m so sorry.” But what he does next strikes a heavy hit to your heart as he lands on his knees, with his hands covering his face as he cries when he knew that an apology was the least cure that there is to mend an unfixable heart.

“Oikawa, stand up.” he shakes his head as he began to continuously apologize but all you wanted was to let the silence consume him. You hated this. You knew Oikawa was in pain too but seeing him in the same position you were in made your heart sting at how he cried in front of you when you knew he hated that you could see him like this.

“Babe? Hey- Tooru? I’m right here.” You asked him as you rushed to his side while he wipes his eyes immediately before putting on a smile as you hand him his towel, patting it down on his forehead. He looks at you as his eyes gather another batch of tears when he sees how worried you looked.  

He hates it when you see him cry.

Though he doesn’t mind being vulnerable, this was a side of him that stayed at rock-bottom and the efforts he made to come back at the top had been attempts that made him stay longer.

After patting his sweat, you looked at him as he was shaking at the mix of emotions of the outcome of the match with Shiratorizawa. He avoids eye contact with you as his tears fell on the gym floor.  

“Tooru.” you whispered as you cup his cheeks taking him by surprise as he stares at your loving eyes while you send him a smile, catching the tears that were streaming down. He leans into your touch and maybe his efforts of trying to leave rock-bottom weren’t all wasted.

Especially, when your hand was ready for him to take just as the bottom of the pit began to win him over.

“I love you.” It was only three words that could’ve carried more but to Oikawa, it was all he wanted to hear because you love for him spoke more than just those three. You meant it in every way that he can understand.

Because with a simple confession of love, it was already enough to lead the defeat away from him.

“And I love you more.”  

You crouch down as you tried to make him stand up but instead, he remained on the floor making you cry even more when you realized he leaned his weight on his bad knee, making you look away and choosing to hold his arm in order to hoist him up as you wept for him.

“Oikawa stand up!” You yelled but he looked up to see the endless flow of your tears as he shakes his head, disobeying your orders while your heart crumbles when he reaches his hand to your cheek, holding it fragilely as he stares at you with the same amount of pain you held in front of him.

When million words were needed, the silence chose to speak for itself.

Don’t you love me anymore? Oikawa thinks as he continues to watch the love of his life fall under the solitude he caused.

I love you with everything I have, but what can guarantee that it’s enough for me to stay when the pain is twice as the amount?

“Why are you here, Tooru?” You asked him as he uses his finger to wipe away the tear that was bound to fall, as a sad smile tugs on his lips.

“I’m here for you, Y/N. Only you.” Oikawa answers as he averts his eyes to the ground while your hands form into a fist because you already accepted the fact that he belonged to someone else, even if it made you throw away the memories in his car just to face the harsh reality.

Besides, the street lights didn’t lead you to him anymore.

“Stop lying to me. It shouldn’t be me anymore.” He lets his blurry eyes portray the betrayal that pulsated through his body as he repeatedly shakes head, refusing to believe that those words came from you. He didn’t fly here to confuse himself with his priorities. You were the only reason- hearing you say that you were the least of his intentions had him wondering the depths of his mistakes.

“It’s always been you and no one else! I came back for you- to fix this- us, Y/N! I-I'm so sorry!”

“IS THAT ALL YOU’RE GONNA SAY TO ME?”

The volume of your voice startled him when he sees your hand clutching tightly on your shirt as you stood up and the apple of your cheeks colored in frustration. 

“Am I ever going to get an explanation on why the person that I loved left me without goodbye? Am I just going to hear you apologize for hours and not a single answer is given to me? Oikawa- I waited- I want to forgive you so fucking badly but I’m expecting more than an apology without you telling me why you did it!” You didn’t mean to raise your voice to such an extent but the answer you waited for a year was yet to be given a response.

Hearing his pleas brought an emotion you weren’t familiar with. You expected that he would apologize but at first you didn’t know why it gave you disappointment instead of satisfaction. Surely, you wanted to hear it- let it replay in your ears for as long as you wished but that wasn’t enough to patch up a heart that’s been through more than just a slice in the middle.

“And why did it have to be the last time that we were happy?” You asked him with your voice purely showing the torment you go through when you remember the last night that scarred your emotions. How was he able to leave after a night of serenity? Were his laughs all a cover up his plan of leaving you as fast as he could?  

“Please answer me, Tooru.” You begged but it came as a whisper when you aggressively wiped your eyes that were exhausted and tempted to close.  

Oikawa bites his lip but takes a deep breath before letting his words decide the outcome.

“I lost grip on what I wanted to do. After that match- and all of the things that I couldn’t stop thinking about- everything was messy. An escape and a way to find that passion again were my options to get this sick feeling over.”

“But I was never in those options, wasn’t I?” he grips the fabric of his sweats beside him as he avoids your glistening eyes knowing how agonizing it was to hear it from him that you had been pushed to the dark corners of his mind like a forgotten idea.

“Are you sure, honey? This is unlikely of you to be spontaneous in this way.” his mother comments, her hand falling on top of her sons' hand. Oikawa smiles at her softly, sending a nod to his father as well. He knew his family was going to supportive no matter what, he was a star after all but he knew they were worried about him. A country with immense culture that he’s yet to learn about is a whole other experience but he felt as if it was the decision that could hold all the victories he wanted to earn.  

“What about Y/N? Why don’t you take her with you? School is finished and it’d be a great step for you two as a couple, Tooru.” He sighs heavily, placing his hands on his lap as he lets the question wonder over this head.

“I’ll figure it out.”

“Y/N-”

“And I guess contacting me wasn’t a good idea either?” You continued, the flare of rage igniting more as all of the excuses you made for yourself for his indecency have been made clear that it was his choice in leaving you in the past.

“How could you! You- fuck Oikawa!” You shouted as you felt your body shrivel with the anger as he tries to hold you but you pushed him away as the nearby stop lights painted the night a shade of red that resembled equal parts of anger and love.

“What was that for?” You asked him with a giggle as he smothers your hand with gentle pecks. During a red light, it became a habit for him to show you affection while you wait for it to turn green. You always drove late together so when the streets weren’t occupied, his voice would echo through the air when he shouts your name with a declaration of how much he loves you, or sometimes he’d steal kisses catching you off guard like he’s doing now.

“Well, it’s obvious that you didn’t complain babe.” He teases as you lean closer, giving him a subtle kiss on his temple making him blush instantly. He smiles at you before taking your hand and landing a peck to your ring finger as your heartbeat picks up an irregular pattern while the light turns green, his brown eyes leaving yours.

“Now, what about that?” You asked him while he fixates his focus on the road ahead but his dream with you causes him to smile like the lovesick fool that he was.

“In case I couldn’t do it in the future.”

“Fuck you for leaving and acting like I wasn’t here! You and your girl-”

“Oikawa?”

When your eyes landed on a familiar blonde, the chances of saying those three words once again began to disappear.

“Y/N?”  

And with the sound of her voice, everything became blurry when you remember the way she looked next to him with a smile.

“I’m Himari.” she introduces herself while taking cautious of her words when she sees the drop in your features. She hesitates to take a step forward knowing the mind who misunderstood was sharper than hers.

“And you brought your girlfriend.” you said with another sigh of exhaustion and when Himari hears this sentence she immediately knew what impression she had left from Iwaizumi’s words. She takes a step forward making you lower your head, not wanting to be near the person who was the main focus of Oikawa for a year but there wasn’t an ounce of spite that was directed to her.

“Y/N, we’re not dating.” Oikawa assures you, mimicking Himari’s actions, hoping that he could hold onto your hand and change your mind which he knew it was a little too late when his conversation with his best friend resonates through his ears.

“What do you think? She’s fucking crying again.”

“We are not dating, I promise. I helped him for you to settle in Argentina.”

Argentina?

“Oikawa- what does she mean I’ll be settling?”  

The silence on the side opposite to you has never been louder. Oikawa and Himari share a look while you stood there with more than confusion that was mixing in your range of emotions. Your eyes dart between him and the girl while the beats of their heart began to speed up, not because of their own panic, but for you. Himari then awakens from the absurd idea she was brought into. Being in this tense atmosphere, she knew it was the wrong move all along but it seems to strike her more when she sees the way the flow of your tears didn’t alter.

“Tooru, answer me.”

“He didn’t tell you.” Oikawa says making Himari groan and before she could approach you, she sees a figure running your way.

“Y/N!” Iwaizumi shouts before he engulfs you in his arms while there was a wave of relief that overcomes you as you immediately reciprocate his embrace as he caresses your hair and holds you tight. The worry in him dissolves when he ran and saw that you had zero injuries but when he saw your puffed cheeks and sore eyes, he wanted nothing more than to hold you when he realized the two were stood in front of you.

“Thank fuck you’re okay, please never leave me like that again.” He whispers while you nod and within this moment, you found a way to breathe properly as Hajime continues to keep you near him but when his eyes landed on Oikawa’s defeated orbs, he pulls away gently.

Himari saw how one of them had their heart sewn back together while the other one shattered.  

“You didn’t tell her?” Oikawa asks while your head turns to Iwaizumi who had his eyebrows raised but he looked at your confused expression and realizes he was pertaining to the issue of moving together. As you cautiously watch his features, you take a step away from him, standing in the middle of the two boys.

“Iwa, you knew?”  

Fuck. The situation he was in felt like a twist of fate. When the idea was brought to him, he wasn’t planning to go on about it but this was Oikawa. The boy he grew up with, shared his dreams and weaknesses, and the one who reminded him that a burden should never be carried alone.  

“I’m not going to lose to you, Oikawa.”

“That’s good to hear, Iwa-chan.”

But then you came and suddenly the competition grew into something more, a level that could end up having gold or having nothing when it came down to the winner.

“So, you two just accepted the fact that I’m willing to forget that he left and live with him that easily?” The two players remain silent even Himari chose to avoid barging in on a matter that only included the three of you but it did pain her to watch this unfold. She wonders how you carry this amount of pain and betrayal. It’s evident that the two have more than just a special place in your life.  

It’s as if your heart wasn’t just yours anymore.  

“Y/N, I wasn’t going to let you go just like that.” Hajime says but then he held back a few words that he knew would change everything for the three of you but it seems as if there already was a cut in the unity.

“Tooru, what did you do?” After hearing his answers, nothing became clear. There were missing details and words that you wished you could hear from him. With the surprise of moving to Argentina- it felt as if you were stuck in you and Oikawa’s past dream of travelling the world. This was one of the promises that could’ve stayed if not for the terrible timing. To witness the beauty of the different countries with Oikawa could’ve been a moment in your life where there was nothing but pure bliss and admiration for each other- which then turned into isolation.

“Back in Brazil, I had Himari help me with everything we needed to move in together. I thought that this would’ve been the chance for us to be together again- to have you with me and make up for all my mistakes. I know you’ve had enough with my promises so I’m not making more. I’m doing whatever it takes because I love you so much, Y/N.”

“Where did that love go, Oikawa?”

Perhaps that love was replaced by fear, especially when he can see his own reflection on Iwaizumi.

“Y/N,” the setter approaches you with care as he holds your hand, almost letting his doubts run him over when the idea of you letting go strikes his mind. He then looks at you which made you hold your breath when his eyes brought you to a memory you chose to forget.

“I love you, you know?”

“Why are you speechless?” Tooru asks while he stops walking to gaze at your flustered reaction. He then smiles before standing in front of you and places his hand on the crown of your head.

“Does that mean that I don’t show much I love you?” You shook your head while his previous words rang in your ears like your favorite song and looking at him now, your heart is overjoyed with your own love for the boy.

Taking him by surprise, you wrapped your arms around his neck attacking him in a tight embrace with an irreplaceable smile while he laughs and takes your waist by the arm muttering the same three words that he said earlier. Oikawa twirls you around while you returned the feeling.

“I love you more, Tooru!” He puts you down before cupping your cheeks with his hands as he savors the look in your eyes that only held him in it. He lowers his head as you didn’t hesitate to close the space between you and him.

But what is the same man that was in front of you?

“Iwaizumi, let’s give them some space.” Himari suggests, softly tugging on Iwaizumi’s sleeve. With hesitation, he still agreed but his eyes lingered on you who was held by Oikawa and with the sight of it had him let your words resonate in his ears as his heart silently bawls.

“Don’t fall in love with my broken pieces, Hajime. You deserve someone who is- complete.”

I’m too late, Y/N.

Himari who held onto his arm, stopped walking when she sees the longing stare that Iwaizumi’s eyes held for you. She could sense that every part of his body desired to be close to yours and catch you over and over again just to be with you. She smiles fondly when she realizes that she must’ve looked like this in the past- sick in love without a trace of fear to do anything for the person you adored but what did it feel to fight for your heart against his own best friend?

“But if she wants to go... I can’t stop her, can I?”

I want to try even if it isn’t me.

“Hate me, punch me for leaving, go on. Call me stupid and more but not being yours is the worst thing there is to say.” Tooru begins, long breaths within pauses to ensure his honesty is apparent in every word he speaks because he needed to make ends meet knowing this was the only solution to find his way back to you.  

And with an open heart, you listened.

No matter how many times he’s scarred you, you believed that he was still the same Tooru that cured the pain.

So when he held your cheek in both his hands, you saw nothing more than the boy you would love all over again.

“I am more than sorry for everything that I’ve done but I know that those aren’t the words you waited to hear. It’s my fault and to think that deciding without you knowing or even contacting you after I left are just actions that I regret everyday. I’ll accept if you don’t forgive me— I understand and it’s only right for me to deserve it but it doesn’t mean I won’t try for us to be together again.” He rests his forehead on yours as you silently let the tears land on his hands as he whimpers, closing his eyes as he finds it harder and harder to maintain his pace of breathing while you didn’t dare to open your eyes and look at the weeping boy.

“I c-can’t change what I did but I want you to know that within that year—being without you was more than I can take. So, if you let me hold you just for a while, then maybe I-“ He couldn’t even bare to finish his own sentence when his sobs interfered with him as you could feel the way his hands felt weaker against your skin but he held it with all his emotions.  

But when your arms began to wrap around his neck with your chin to his shoulder, his heartbeat took a leap but he instantly wraps his own around your waist as he sobs into your shoulder while another person watched in sorrow.

“I can’t forget what you did but holding you is more than I wished for, Tooru.” He smiles slightly as he closes his eyes and embraces your warmth that he craved for as your thoughts ran with the seconds that passed. He strokes your hair with his hands as your heart nearly aches at how gentle he was as if every action would lead to another permanent stain on you but you held onto him more when you felt the familiar ache pulse through your body. The nostalgia it gave you holding him like this leads you to feel the past embraces he’d give after every game, after every melt down, and after every argument. He may not be able to express his repenting with mere sentences but what you knew is that with every action he does is covered in the stories he failed to tell. After all, he’s your Tooru Oikawa. The boy who gave you every ounce of love and joy even if brought you to your knees, even if the promises turned to dust. So, letting your words course through him, he subtly pulls away and looks at you with a smile as you took a few steps back.

And with a few more heavy steps of decision, you grabbed his hand, interlacing it with yours as your hesitation lies under your skin.

But your heart was certain as it is.

—

The sun rose as you stretched, the immediacy of silence creeping around your room as you watched the clouds showcase the beaming colors of its rays. Smiling with bliss, you step out of your bed and began to run your usual motives. With your clothes all pampered and ready, you wore them with pride as you looked at yourself in the mirror with a photo to the side as another flutter of a heartbeat came your way.  

Dialing his number, his voice came in a second later as the glee in your heart overflows at the sound of him.

“Congratulations, Tooru! God, you were amazing and words cannot express how proud I am of you!” You cheered as the boy cries over the phone with the medal hanging on his neck with his tears decorating his cheeks as you too shed a few tears seeing him succeed over the television. Seeing him shine in the lights, displaying his winning smile as he was embraced by his fellow teammates was a view that had you let out a few shouts of exhilaration knowing this has been his dream that you supported throughout everything. He truly deserved it.

“I wish you were here but fuck thank you so much.” He says with a never-ending smile as you looked at the photo on your mirror making your heart chase the happiness that it gave you to see him like this. Glancing on a familiar vehicle park outside the building, you let out a laugh before speaking once again.

“Let’s make up for lost time.” You suggested, making the length of his smile grow as he too looks at a photo present in front of him. With two hearts lured into serenity, there wasn’t a moment more perfect than this.

“I’d like that.” Oikawa replies as you continued to put on your shoes.

“Are you good to go?” he asks as you answered a short yes before grabbing your things, and leaving the apartment as you pressed the phone to your ear to listen further.

“I’ll see you real soon.” Tooru says with a certain tease in his tone as you let out a chuckle before pressing the button to end the call.

As you walked to the car, you could feel the excitement rushing to you as he opens the door for you as you bid him a smile as he steps into the drivers seat and the love-struck boy wonders if the passenger seat has looked this bright. Seeing you in the afterglow as the sun entered the vehicle, covering you in the rays of it made his heart grew the prettiest flowers.

“What’s wrong?” you asked as he shook his head before leaning closer to land a peck to your cheek, pushing aside a strand of hair just to tuck behind your ear as your cheeks grew into the hue of love as his own orbs displayed a deeper amor than before.

“I love you that’s all.” He confesses making you smile as you intertwine your hands in his as he presses a firm kiss on it and with his free hand he turns on the engine. Turning his head so his eyes met your loving ones, he speaks.

“Ready for our drive?”  

“As ready as I can be, Hajime.”

Taglist: @dekuspet @splaterparty0-0 @jihyunnxtooru @sakusakei-omi

[knightartorius]

wwdits 4x1 countdown!

the long post where i document every day until wwdits returns on july 12! all 60 days of misery, pain, hardship, love, joy, and innocence all in one place. why did i do this you ask? ………………..

60:

WWDITS ANNOUNCED NANDERMO REAL WE WON YES. YES. JULY 12 SAVE THE DATE. YES. YES. YES wwdits is upon us soon. i feel nothing but joy. WWDITS WWDITS YEAHHH

59:

The excruciatingly long wait until July 12 has hit. It’s starting to look dim. I am unsure if I will even live to see it.

58:

i started this on day 59 because i needed a way to get the absolute amount of soot off my heart from the 60 day wait and it is STILL day 59 as im writing this and i just cant wait til day 58 to say that im fucking dying. i cant. and theres going to be another wait for ofmd eventually and oh my goddd. im such an impatient person and i cant. its currently day 58 and i am watching flight of the conchords to cope

57:

i have decided to watch one critical role episode every day which will occupy about 25 days worth of my time. this may vary with school and summer break but i need a distraction. i am rewatching ofmd for the first time in a little while. this is terrible… i have school today as well which is stunting my coping abilities. not good. havent once been able to focus on anything because my head is just critrole ofmd wwdits on repeat i am dying… my critrole pacing is also already so off, im on like episode 4 and i shouldve only finished 2 or something like that. but i cant help but have the cliffhangers resolved

56:

day 56 has begun, and im starting to realize how fucking long this post is gonna be. and how long the wait really is.. obviously when you think of 60 days as 2 months it feels like not all that long, but when you break it down into days, and hours of days, thinking each time you update this post and whatnot, it makes it feel much longer. in better news, only 3 more days of school left!

55:

this being the last week of school might be slowing down time. it feels like the longest week on the fucking planet… after days 57-53 this should be smooth sailing. anyway speaking of school nobody is taking this shit seriously anymore, nobody is here and ive just been playing minecraft in class

54:

unsure if im now behind on critrole because i had to spend hours working on a “group” project from complete scratch due at *checks watch* 11:59 because my partner ghosted me… i also have another project due at *checks watch* 11:59 today and i wont be getting home to work on it until 8. this is pretty great idk. why did all this stuff fall on the last week of school im more stressed than ive ever been on a “chill week.” maybe if wwdits was back itd be better

53:

IVE BEEN SO BUSY ALL DAY RHAT I TOTALLY FORGOT TO UPDATE HII.. SCHOOL ENDED TODAY!! i finished me projects and all…very proud of myself for getting through this week kinda ok? forgot to add yesterday that in class we wrote letters to ourselves as graduates in english and i mentioned both ofmd and wwdits… more than once like they were plot points..loved writing it too. but yes summer is officially upon me!!!!!!! yeah baby

52:

first day of summer has sucked. woke up far too early (who wakes up at 7 in the summertime like the sun hadnt even risen) and now im sick..life is pain quote the nun

51:

so i absolutely underestimated how sick i was gonna get towards the end of the day, to the point where i only have a very hazy memory of the entire evening.. but its 1 am and i woke up from a nap i presume and i feel a lot better now. definitely a few days behind on critical role too, havent had any time to watch in between being sick as FUCK and school. we are almost through the first ten days of the wwdits wajt though!!!! im so excited im also getting a new phone today, ive had the same one for 4/5 years now and shes starting to be a little shit so. GOT THE NEW PHONE! (iphone 13) it is so smooth and the camera BUMPIN… it fits in me hand nice too. lord how i needed this baby. i also watched 25 minutes of morbius too, and its..absolutely unwatchable so i turned it off. i cant even watch it as a joke

50:

TEN DAYS DOWN!!!!!!!!!! the impossible task is starting to look…possible! in fifty days ill have the pleasure of saying…nandermo is real. but for now, all i can say is nandermo will be real in 50 days. im also starting to feel a little better? my throat is still killing me though. the one issue i have with this phone is that “autistics for otori emu” use to fit perfectly in one line of text but now its like

AUTISTICS FOR OTORI

EMU

and its kinda ugly. ill never change it though

49:

LOVE AND THUNDER JULY 8…july is gonna be a big month for taika god damn anyway I CANT WAIT!!!!! i wanna see this movie so bad….AHH.. also lowkey been inactive at the moment. not sure why

48:

watched the lighthouse last night, it was lowkey gay porn but i loved it. certified really good movie. anyway, im in a movie watching era of this countdown. except i watch like 1 movie a day every night. tonights is everything everywhere all at once! im very excited i hope i cry. didnt cry but still really enjoyed the movie! i wish they took a more “you dont have to forgive your parents” approach, cause they kinda just ignored the fact that evelynn was the one who broke joy, and her breaking joy fractured her in every universe… and like yeah joy was able to heal and forgive but she shouldnt have to forgive her mother just because she saved her. a lot of people with trauma have it in our brains (especially those of us with parental trauma) that we have to forgive our abusers and media rarely ever empowers those of us who are unable to simply forgive and forget, and this movie had the perfect opportunity to do that, but in a sense im glad they didnt also

47:

its morbin time. not really anything to say today, but its been cloudy for the past week and im wondering when im gonna get to see the sun again. the countdown is smooth sailing otherwise! OH WAIT ive been playing life is strange true colors and its been..fun?? idk ive also been playing the sims for fun again too which .. it has been ages since… i have a “legacy” going kinda but the first gens story is pretty fucked up so im just having fun with mods really

46:

kissed ryan and its the only choice ive been 100% confident about in this game. i love ryan. hes my one true love. they dont make men like this in the real. im also gonna retry watching morbius im obsessed with this movie + my bff is graduating today im so happy for him

OKAY MAYDAY THE WWDITS EPISODE TITLES JUST RELEASED AND. WE ARE 95 DAYS AWAY FROMA “The Wedding” it could be nandermo. it could and im scared (KITE FROM THE FUTURE: its not nandermo nandor is marrying a woman??)

45:

these past 5 days have been going so fast im scared. too fast almost. in like 30 minutes were gonna have wwdits 4 like it was nothing. also rewatching morbius second night in a row because my friend wants to watch it with me. hes morbing out oh my god oh shit. okay we ended up not watching morbius but i watched wwdits (2005) and 1) taika hot 2) the montage of people calling them fags is so..timely idk. but for everyone who always says “ah nz is so progressive” and acts like conservatism doesnt exist there and idolizes the countrys politics… reality check please. 3) taika hot like all the letterboxd review are about his hair and shit and yea i agree completely. but i made a post to my instagram story and tldr it was about how the wwdits franchise kinda encapsulates the changes in perception of queerness throughout the 21st century and honestly its one of the most interesting aspects to me while consuming all wwdits content

44:

hunt for the wilderpeople is a movie that i watched that broke me a bit. i didnt cry or anything of the sort but god i loved ever second of it. how will i live. anyway i think im officially over the ofmd grief but rather im shocked that the show still hasnt been renewed..not in like an awww boo hoo but like..what the fuck is hbo doing (KITE 3 DAYS IN THE FUTURE HERE: THIS IS SO FUNNY. THEY WERE WAITING UNTIL PRIDE MONTH)

43:

watching both top gun movies, was inspired by flight of the conchords. will be back. ok i only watched the og top gun but i did thoroughly enjoy it, and damn that movie is beautiful if nothing else + american psycho. and american psycho i loved a lot. also if youre wondering why im watching so many movies its a summer goal of mine to watch a lot of movies because i notoriously dont like movies as an artistic means and have watched like barely any movies proportionate to my lifespan and im trying to change that. i still dont like movies really but…oh well im glad im using this to watch some good films. my letterboxd is kite4444_1 if you were interested in seeing my ratings (they are wonky…and 3 means i liked/enjoyed it btw)

theres also a meteor shower tonight (allegedly) so im sitting outside at 1 am viewing the sky, ive seen 1 so far so dub! rare once in a lifetime experience in the wwdits countdown

42:

i really dont know how to break the meteor shower stuff up but its 1:30 am so its officially day 42. i saw 4 big meteors, a lot of little guys, and 1 orange fella so i consider this a big win.. i also just enjoyed sitting outside and watching the sky, i should do that more often honestly. literally did nothing today! W

41:

its pride month! happy pride month. also one month closer til wwdits..dub OH MY FUCJING GOD I JUST GOT THE NEWS. YES. YES. YES. YES OH MY GOD YES YES YES YES YES IM LITERALLY CRYING IM BESIDE MYSELF WITH JOY AND EVTASY I CANT oh my god i cant wait until i have an ofmd countdown god is so fucking real best day of my life nobody understands my joy rn GOD im crying so hard incant i cant i cant i just cried so hard IM CRYING AGAIN it’s definitely been like an hour or something but i cant think. i cant feel. hello #BestDayEver

season 2 requests:

1) bearded stede. dgaf if rhys says he cant grow a beard hes lying

2) jim and jackie romantic interactions… i read the vico interview and when they said maybe jim will find someone else during their separation to olu…my mind went bonkers

3) mary gets many gfs and they are poly and in love. doug is also in the polycule

4) izzy, jim, lucius, ivan, frenchie, fang need to be BESTIES. BFFs4L. and izzy and lucius you already know i want them together idc

KITE VS RAINBOW CAPITALISM: RAINBOW CAPITALISM WON

40:

ANOTHER TEN DAYS DOWN!!!!!!! YEAHHHH soon there will be no time left.. what the hell! pride month really is off to a great start and im ecstatic.. still not over the sheer high of ofmd 2 announcement but it also makes me fear season 2s existence. BUT GOD I CANT WAIT UNTIL I HAVE ANOTHER COUNTDOWN entiled “Ofmd 2 countdown” its going to be glorious and im going to be fucking FERAL. FERALLL!!!!

39:

watching muppets treasure island and ofmd season 2 looks CRAZY… anyway im watching this because apparently black sails has prior reading and i was not watching some old movie or the novel so muppets treasure island it is. i also need to stop writing these entries early in the morning (it is 1:45 am) because it throws my rhythm off..in better news though its all been good, im going to the beach tomorrow oh fuck it just hit me im going to the beach at peak ofmd fixation..its going to be all i think about NEVERMIND ITS ONLY FRIDAY I THOUGHT IT WAS SATURDAY? not going to the beach tomorrow cause we leave sunday im an idiot

38:

god i cant wait to go to the beach i need it. no pirate bullshit but i need to be one with the sea its been over a year since ive been there gah…my mom keeps being weird about it but you will not ruin my fun beach adventures!! i will walk for miles in one direction listening to music or something or talking to myself without a care in the world because i am one with the oceanside. i will cry for no reason walking my dog and thinking wow. this is what stede wouldve wanted. i cant wait to spend the next 4 days pacing with the sand between my toes as i ponder season 2 and what explorations of heartbreak means for each character. i will cry

also im on episode 3 of black sails and this shit is DRAMA??? like ofmg i was not ready also what is the ofmd/muppets treasure island/black sails pipeline because ive seen multiple fans with muppets treasure island profile pictures and how did i manage to fall down the same fucking hole

37:

BEACH DAYY!!!!!!! i cannot wait til we get there holy fuck [ x ] <- pics here! i also went and updated the layout of this post so ideally its easier to look at i REALLY need to stop writing these at 1/2 am because whyd i wake up and learn we aren’t even going until wednesday and my mom isnt even sure we can get reservations..if i dont go to the beach ill die like actually ill perish

WAIIITTTT WWDITS TEASER DROPPED [ x ] oh my god?????? this is the most unhinged the show has ever been and i cant wait

36:

nobody told me black sails was gay…like super gay this is insane. everyone is bisexual and they were so real for that. anyway im very much enjoying watching because the drama is real

also wwdits poster..wow 2 days in a row theyve been giving us content also renewed for seasons 5 & 6?!?!? idk why i had it in my head that season 4 was going to be the end but YES wwdits is goijg with me to college W…also on that note its crazy to me that ofmd and the like arent going to be finished until im in college…wow…im getting old

35:

we are almost halfway through the wait! god damn the past 25 days have felt almost nonexistent but regardless… beach tmw!!!!! for real this time. and as i said i will be at peace. i always thought if they were real id be a mermaid. and ill probably reincarnate as a lobster or something of the like.. i am one with the sea

also ever since that article about taika being a failure or sellout or whatever (i didnt read the article) made the typo calling jemaine “jermaine” i have carried the torch. he is now jermaine clement to me

34:

beach day beach day beach day… i cant wait for this “getting-to-beach” arc to end because this has went on for far too long… anyway, im gonna finish black sails either today or tomorrow and wow! what an adventure. the worlds longest origin story. i have enjoyed every minute of it!

33:

i finished black sails! also here are those beach pictures i promised [ x ]. other than that this trip has so far been pretty uneventful (not saying it will ever be eventful) but i am enjoying the sea view

also rumor has it ofmd season 2 should be airing around june/july of next year which is so insanely far but also very close. its also going to be insane comfort for me after i graduate i can tell +£~£

32:

going on a bender of listening to old 90s alternative rock songs i havent heard since i was like 10. and i still know 97% of the lyrics to all of these songs… my music taste has come a long way really. hot take though i dont understand why people bend over backwards to defend bjorks racism because her music is not even that good?? what is the appeal here. let her go

31:

havent had much to say recently but today is my last day at the beach… but now we are for real for real close to reaching that halfway point… i am quite geeked if i do say so myself

30:

WE ARE OFFICIALLY HALFWAY THROUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YEAHHHYHHHHHH BABY its been a long ass thirty days but im sure that its going to go by fast now? also because we seem to be getting a lot of random content (not just for wwdits but yk).. im quite ecstatic. i cant wait for my silly little tv show

later tonight i have a music listening event with my friend and i have to choose 5 albums for us to listen to and so far i have and otherwise i have zero idea

jyocho - the beautiful cycle of terminal

イツエ (itsue) - いくつもの絵 / many pictures

ABBA - voulez-vous

never mind apparently! it was supposed to start about 2 hours ago and im like 80% sure im getting stood up! oh well. i say oh well because im a bit used to it but also im fairly upset because i was really looking forward to thissss ahhhh

29:

getting stood up aside i think im sick AGAIN???? i think ive been sick like 50 times this entire countdown but also i have like 5 chronic illnesses and so it could be one of them. besides i feel bad but not too bad so ill live

i woke up with a super weird tender rash on the palm of my hand and???? what the hell. god is spiting me now that the countdown is on the downward path

28:

nah not sick but i was not feeling hot yesterday. im very excited though because my broccoli plants are looking very healthy after the trip (i was a bit worried theyd fucking die) but they are taking to the environment quite nicely. on the contrary i planted SIX cucumber plants and they are taking over my entire garden like a goddamn parasite. i dont even need tgat many cucumbers why did i plant six oh my god. also my onions should be harvestable soon… if youre wondering what all plants im growing: cucumbers broccoli red pepper onion spinach & carrots. very nature over here

also i am plugging flight of the conchords as one of my albums..! pay me jemaine

27:

DIDNT UPDATE AT ALL TODAY??? but omg my cucumbers were ready for harvest and theyre HUGE. i also started a worm bin today and i had to collect 2 worms on my own i hope they enjoy having sex and shitting for me but yeah. this is a beautiful thing. overall a great day i very much enjoy getting gritty in the garden

also fun sketchful.io night with my friend and now we have official plans to meet irl come january!!!!!! fat fucking double you

26:

do tumblr posts have a word limit…i feel like i mentioned this before but it comes more of a growing concern every single day. otherwise its a good day except me waking up to my dog having a seizure because i overslept my alarm for giving him his meds. in case you were wondering hes completely fine just a normal hiccup

also bios dont have a word limit either do they.. also layout change! i changed the color yesterday but today i moved the rant bio to be under the cut because i just cant part with it

25:

watched thor ragnarok so im officially up to date for love and thunder. i love korg no im not biased but also everyone who was like thor and bruce have serious couple energy are so right its such a shame he wont be in love and thunder. the “rom com” aspect with jane peter and bruce would be so hectic but also so good?!!? havent been hyped for a marvel movie since endgame im so excited

introducing a new conflict: me trying to watch fotc live in london without paying for hbo max. this has been an uphill battle and i signed up for the apple one free trial which gives me free apple tv and they said they had live in london on there BUT NO IT REDIRECTS YOU TO HULU AND HBOMAX. now you may be thinking “just sign up for hulu free trial” BUT HULU DOESNT HAVE IT EITHER WITHOUT YOU PAYING FOR THE HBO ADDON!!!! also i tried literally every pirating website i know and nothing. i feel like im fighting a goddamn war just to watch live in london idk

ok update: its currently 2:55 am and i found it on the pirate bay but obviously thats a torrenting thingy so tomorrow evening im going to relearn how to torrent so i can watch it. also last time i downloaded utorrent it absolutely wrecked my computer, managed to uninstall it but its still fucked up but oh well! anything for fotc

adding onto an already incredibly hectic log, i ended up not downloading it today because i didnt feel like getting out my laptop charger. it was one of those incredibly lazy days. but man if theres one thing this post is gonna do, its gonna make me realize how much of my summer i am spending RELAXING. its well deserved and this is my last high school summer so i should definitely waste the most i can because ill never get this again, but like.. come august the regret is gonna be reallllll….

24:

another day of completely forgetting to update this! im getting back into terraria and that has kept me mostly entertained all day. im so bad at it but i used to be cracked (kinda. i never got to hardmode cause flesh but)

to add, i have a 4 day streak going of eating toast late at night. the first 2 days it was tuna on this asiago cheese loaf and these past 2 days have been cinnamon butter on sourdough. very real

23:

days are flying by! wow. but my sleep schedule is so off it’s ridiculous. but today was even less eventful than yesterday, except i think im finally in my terraria groove and i even beat the eye of cthulhu + i wanna fight skeletron but like, i have no idea where his temple is and ive went so far in both directions

22:

i have whipped cthulhu’s ass thrice. he doesn’t even stand a chance! but i did attempt skeletron and got whooped so hard it’s ridiculous?? did they buff him since i last played like 5 years ago. also attempted the eater of worlds twice for some scales so i can make demonite equipment and CHRIST i keep having like sensory overload. also sorry for making three consecutive short posts where i exclusively talk about terraria but that is all im doing so we! will! have! to! deal!

also sometimes its so hard to tell if i wrote already. like i have no recollection of writing today but i think i did??? did i????

21:

21 days? THREE WEEKS?? three weeks ???? three weeks!!! i really am so excited. also i might be going to see lightyear soon with some of my friends who i haven’t seen in like 3/4 years! definitely not the most hype movie we couldve went to see but idc chris evans keke palmer and taika are all in there and thats all i care about. mm

I DREAMT ABOUT S2E1 of ofmd that they like released episode 1 early and it was so funny. i don’t remember much about it but stede and ed werent in the episode at all (but blackbeard was in the last like 15 minutes of an hour long episode, but i didnt even watch that part because of dream logic) and i don’t remember much at all but someone was in a white void with john silver. a completely different show. and they had to complete some kind of bullshit puzzle it was great the rest of the dream was mostly on the deserted island with the rest of the revenge and jim was there too but hell i dont know it was such a mess

also i never mentioned it but i watched guns akimbo like 2 days ago and jesus christ i haven’t recovered. the pacing never slows down and its balls like the movie is hot balls but it was so insane that like. i havent recovered

20:

TWENTY!!! FORTY DAYS DOWN WOWZA. that’s literally insane. its doggy bath day for me so im bathing the dog and he hates it but boo hoo stinky dog. maybe dont pee on yourself so often

also the plans are saturday!! i cant wait. and these are actually definitely go through so WWWWW

TRAILER DROP!!! WE GOT IT. POLYAMORY?!?! YES!! excited. thats all i can say

19:

time to get a little sad and vulnerable. got out of the house for the first time in awhile to go to my nana’s, she passed in late february and we’ve been working to sell the house and had a cleaning crew finish everything up before contracts were signed with realtors. and it was hella gutting seeing a home that has so many childhood memories emptied…or gutted i guess you could say, and today is the last day i’ll ever step foot in that house and it’s literally crazy. i dont regret not going up there as often as i could or anything but it is quite a sad conclusion to come to. it was a pretty productive day too, and im proud of myself! especially because ive been conscious about my productivity, motivation, and the like. so yay!

18:

i regret updating the tumblr app so bad..its so ugly now and theres so much to look at for what..i also woke up to some of the worst news imaginable for us americans, and like…idk

17:

yesterday was rough but i cant wait to see my bsfs so good vibes. great vibes even

it was fun!!!!!!!!!!! lightyear was..bad? it was very mid. but taika…so thats better. i gave it a 2/5 on letterboxd and the extra star was for taika so. but i feel so relieved i get to see them again because it really has been so long.. none of us have seen each other since we were 14!!!!!!!!! now we’re basically grown?!?!?

also ive been watching greys anatomy trying to catch up (for japril) and this show is so good but also extremely garbage… what do you mean deluca got stabbed in between episodes?? also these topical covid episodes are so tired and this is only episode 7 of a 20 episode season. if this whole season is covid themed ill kill myself because ive already heard the same spiel about feeling isolated and lonely and whatever. like yeah, everyone watching knows that, we all lived through the worst of it and have to deal with an unfinished aftermath. im so glad i waited to watch this because if at the high of the pandemic i tuned into this shit id be so over the show. but im attached to these characters and the neverending drama. im eating the tom and teddy stuff up!!!! i do want them to be together, i love tom and he deserves teddy. i quite like owen too and i feel bad for screwing him after he put in so much effort to make it work for teddy but thats exactly it. he shouldnt have to put up with her bs anymore (i like teddy too but girl)

16:

bored out of my mind.. so bored. thats all i can say today. bored.. i think im gonna force myself to start drawing again because i havent in months. i was in a bad burnout after art class so yk

15:

GIVE IT UP FOR DAY 15!!!!!!! but KORACICK AND JACKSON LEFTttttt…. you can understand my pain. obviously it was for a good cause but goddammit!!!!!! ill miss you tom.. gone but never forgotten

14:

its day 13 but i completely forgot to update. it skipped my mind completely. i can’t remember anything that happened yesterday but teo weeks!!!!! two weeks left

13:

day 14 was an absolute blunder on my part. i knew missing a day was bound to happen eventually but man. that shows just how uneventful my days have been. i redownloaded genshin and this game is so boring even though i have all the inazuma and chasm stuff to do…but i hit 698?k with childe ult and that. makes me happy! back when i was into the game i was on a road to 1 million and this gets me about 7/10 of the way through…. im not p2w too so

I DISNT EVEN SKIP DAY 14. IM SO CONFUSED RN. YESTERDAY WAS DAY 14. IT IS DAY 13. god im such an idiot but im not going ro backspace any of this… late night phone call watching sing 2 and i got my best friend to watch some ofmd with me!! we are up to episode 6 but he fell asleep and i am so tored. also rsd is so awful like i love this show to death and when he doesnt laugh at something i want to cackle at i feel like im being stabbed brutally in the stomach? pretty sure hes enjoying it though. i feel glee! but the best part comes when i get to talk about every interview ive read, the story of how rhys was casted, because ive already had the honor of sharing tidbits like izzy canonically being the one who put the bows in eds beard in e5, and rhys taking sailing lessons while taika couldnt even read blackbeards wikia page… autism won today.

sing 2 was also an absolute blast, my friend asked if the little koala dude was voiced by the “guy who plays eddie from ofmd.” i was deeply confused, turns out he affectionately named stede ‘eddie,’ and no rhys does not voice buster moon. matthew mcconaughey does and he isnt even kiwi……. also i am like a rhys detector because that man is the voice of my conscious. it was a really great movie tho, like bono was in there and ??????? i love the sing franchise

12:

HAPPY JULY!!!!!!!! we are so close now. 1 week until thor, 12 days until wwdits, 4 months until greys anatomy, and about 1 year until omfd. its like everything is happening soon! also maybe i should stop thinking about time passing in my life relative to media i enjoy… but also it makes me happy. i watched boy (the taika movie) and that was another banger. taikas best talent isnt directing its finding insanely talented kids. boy is tonally similar to hunt for the wilderpeople but personally it lacks something in comparison? if i had to guess its because wilderpeople builds on family dynamics in a positive light while boy explores parental idolization and its wayyy too relatable at some points. its still a great film though 4.5/10 on letterboxd

11:

I think i counted the days wrong…? and now im weirdly confused and scared because it’s currently the 2nd and this is day..11? meaning this will end on the 13th as opposed to the 12th. this is so fucking scuffed and im not gonna edit anything i just have to live with my mistakes. maybe i really did miss day 14 though. im so confused?????? what happened. what went wrong.

anyway WE FINISHED OFMD TOGETHER!!!! he is not an izzy fan and im glad. hes also a jim/olu supremacist which like…yeah so true? now i just need to get him to watch wwdits and everything will be solved in the world probably

10:

TEN DAYS!!!!! (actually 9.) or maybe this is accurate but it goes to like 12:00 am july 13 which doesnt really count

anyway 5 am thoughts: been thinking about boy again and its growing very fond in my mind. i think letting the ending sit with me was for the better and i love this movie a lot more now (and i already loved it lots.) how cute

9:

watched mysterious skin and damn. in life youre either a neil or a brian and i am a brian so hard. nothing really remarkable to say today

8:

I DIDNT EVEN FUCK UP THE TIMING… the issue is that i always update this at like 5 am the next day and it throws everything off for me.. otherwise its the fourth of july i guess? nobody really celebrates this holiday anyway. its an excuse to grill and set off illegal fireworks and nobosy is thinking about the revolutionary war… also a bit of a rough time sociopolitically in the usa rn so. extra bunk holiday… i fixed up these star leds that have just been hanging on my wall for like 2 years and it added so much ambiance i love how my room looks now! its great

7:

forgot to update again except this time 2 days in a row hahahahahahahaha i was writing out the july fourth thing yesterday but got distracted and it never saved. i pulled itto today though!!!!!!’ im so happy but rest in peace to the next banner because im definitely not getting whatever character is on it. genshin is occupying my brain again and i dont like the inazuma lore but the characters have grown on me (mainly people i can associate with ayaka because shes one of my favorite characters all time) but others still have the personality of like a wet rag (cough raiden yae kokomi and gorou) IF YOUR FAV IS ON THAT LIST, FIGHT ME! id like to be proven wrong honestly! i want to like the characters! otherwise ONE WEEK! ONE WEEK! YEAH YEAHHH

6:

thor tmw!!!!! yeahhhhhhhh

that being all i wrote today tells so much. burn out isnt really the word because that seems like a real big overestimate but i am a bit exhausted of updating this, especially when i have to rack my brain for things to write? and i feel like im letting myself and others (despite me talking to a brick wall with this post basically) by not providing any interesting content in here. like that span of me playing terraria. how boring. and recently it’s been similarly dull. but luckily we’re coming to a quick end to this timeline with only a big 6 days left!

5:

its also a real struggle to scroll all the way down. thor today! thor soon. 2 hours until thor! yay. but also woke up to some terrible news that my dog *COULD* have cancer, we wont know really for another 2 weeks and then we wont know for certain until after a biopsy. sucks like shit though, that dog is like a brother to me. but…thor! thor is getting me through this

ITS SO GOOD. and say what you want taika did put gay sex in the marvel movie. korgdwayne forever. i cant even begin to comprehend how much i enjoyed that like tis so real. i am biased i am. but also i dont care what cishet people have to say about this movie. the queer rep was there and frankly its all i ever wanted/ask for

4:

OOPSIE DAISIE FORGOT TO UPDATE AGAIN. yesterday was fun. thor is my whole brain rn. thats all

3:

3 days left is so crazy. like this has been 58 days of sheer insanity and its coming to a close.

late night/early morning thoughts: im in such a prison built by internalized ableism and i know unmasking is possible but i never see myself able to escape this endless fucking nightmare. i want to be unashamed about all my autistic traits but its unbelievably difficult.. and so many people who i love and who love me don’t really know me even if they talk to me every single day because i barely know myself because of how far buried he is. and so thats another thing ill have to deal with

talking about anything is so difficult for me to do. crossing the barrier of mentioning anything im watching or reading is like climbing mount everest especially to people i havent known basically my entire life and its so awful? i wish it wasnt such a struggle to be. even when im not talking and if im just thinking about a hf/si i feel so awful and like im failing and i cant take much more of this. any of it, the shame, the self deprecation, anything

2:

SAW TOP GUN MAVERICK FINALLY!! im so glad i got to see it during the countdown its definitely part of the character arc ive went on throughout this post. what a tonal shift from yesterday also but wow only 2 days left! ive seen so many movies now… all i think of is movies anymore…. but its been a really good span of days recently i feel like summer is finally looking up! and soon wwdits is gonna be back with us like wow!!!! so much to look forward to im very excited. im always fucking excited for anything and everything. woo!!!

1:

what can i say that hasnt already been said, what a fuckin journey this has been and its soon gonna come to fruition. and also what a better way to send this off than I AM SICK AGAIN. thats the spirit of the countdown really. today is a chill day and tomorrow im gonna rewatch the 2014 movie for vibe reasons but like. im so happy and proud. wooooooo!!!!!

also i love walking around the house and hearing ra ra rasputin blaring loud on the tv cause the wwdits trailer. it makes me happy but im also remindes like oh shit this show is on cable tv. weird feeling? havent watched a show on cable in so long

0:

ITS OVER. THE WAIT IS OVER! i said most of the “sappy” shit yesterday but now its all official. im not gonna keep this going in between weekly episodes as a cheap way to keep this going. its over today. TODAY! gonna rewatch the movie in a bit probably just to get in a really vampiric mood but also the moon is full tonight iirc? what a coincidence (probably)

Well folks. thats the end there! just watched episode 3 so its exactly a week after this countdown so i think its a better time to write the conclusion, because its weird that it just cuts off. but there isnt a conclusion cause i already wrote it on days 1 & 0. see you next year when ofmd s2 is announced!

[ser-rctslcyer]

We've been teetering on this for a while but boundaries are boundaries & we respected them. We may over respected them but I can finally call you mine which is---very surreal for me. We met in...December of last year--could've been earlier but I have a lot of last year blacked out for reasons you know.

You've always been there for me when something went wrong--even if I messaged out of the blue. Like the time my dogs got into a fight & I panicked---all I could think was to message you because you'd make sure I was okay. You answered when you didn't have to & talked to me until I calmed down enough to breathe.

I truly think I've been in love with you for a while but boundaries were set & I followed them. I love you like a spring breeze that's warm but not too warm, it smells of fresh clothes & spring rain--it makes me feel like I'm home. I always feel safe & at home with you, I feel like I'm allowed to exist with you because you want all of me. You don't just want one bit of me---you've carved into everything that's me--you've given me something I thought I couldn't have.

Maybe.....maybe you're the love my cards told me about. Maybe you're the lover I was informed of---the one who will make everything right & safe for me. I think it was you---I think it's always been you.

There's not a day that goes by when I don't wonder where you are. I miss you when you're asleep, I miss you when you're awake--it's like there's this ache in my heart when you aren't around me. I want to hear your voice so badly--I wanna talk to you for hours just to hear how sweet you sound.

I've loved you for months---I love you now--I think I'll love you forever. I think I might drown in you actually all in your orbit that keeps me safe & sound.

I love you---I love you---thank you for loving me in a way I never thought I deserved.

❤️

I never thought it would be possible for my heart to feel this full, and yet here I am, shedding tears of joy because you’ve completely taken my heart— it’s yours to do whatever you want with and I don’t want it back.

It still feels like yesterday when I worked up enough courage to tell you it’s okay to dm me just so we could start talking. That day, I didn’t have the slightest clue we’d end up here but fuck , im so happy I fucking did it.

I’ve always felt comforted around you, I’ve always felt like I can trust you with anything. You radiate so much love and the way you’ve cared about me, and everything i enjoy has just made me feel so safe. Even though we’re miles a part, it’s like every conversation with you has me wrapped up in your arms and I love it more than anything.

I miss you every time you go to bed and get so excited when I realize you’ll be waking up soon; I get so antsy for it but I love the rush seeing you message back.

It might be fate that both of us end up drowning, as I wouldn’t have it any other way. I love you to the moon and back, to the stars and everything beyond.

[oh-for-fic-sake]

No Boyfriend’s

Masterlist

Henry comes home to find out his three year old princess has a boyfriend, whats a dad to do?

Warnings: swearing, fluff

A/n: so I had so much fun wrighting this fluff piece! Thank you to @jessevans​ for requesting it.

No Boyfriend's

You walked up to the preschool to pick up your daughter from her afternoon session. You had to admit when Henry had first sugested moving out of the city You had been a little skeptical. He had been adamant that he wanted your child to have a childhood much like his. Out of the hustle and bustle moving out into 'the sticks' as many londoners would call it. You'd settled in a quaint picturesque little village near Canterbury in Kent the location was perfect for henry's work with the port of dover thirty minutes away and the center of london with all the airports around an hours drive in the opposite direction it was ideal. And best of all it was out of the way and had all the amenities within the village itself a post office, shop,pub, Doctors surgery and pharmacy the local primary school and pre school was literally a five minute walk from your house and the closest secondary schools were a ten minute bus ride into canterbury itself and when the time came you had six to choose from.

The reason for the move? Your now three year old Daughter the apple of her daddies eye. You remebered the day you'd told your boyfriend you were pregnant, you'd been terrified as much as he said he wanted a family you couldnt help that twinge of doubt. But he was exstatic within moments he had darted out of the room when he returned he was clumsily trying to dial his mothers number with shaking hands tears streaming down his face as he kept asking if you were sure even when his mother picked up, you could here her laughs of joy as he told her. He paced the room leaving you to sit on the bed giggling as he refused to sit down whilst on the phone with his family every time he walked past you he move his hand pressing on Your flat tummy asif trying to feel the child already that or he was trying to imagine you with a bump and that grin? You'd never seen him smile like that before it truly melted your heart seeing him so happy. He was always and attentive boyfriend but once you was pregnant he was..Incredible always by your side when he was at home tending to your every need and he somehow managed not to be over bearing.

It was when you went to the first scan that he had proposed some might say it wasn't the most romantic but for you it was perfect! Leaving with the first photos of your little jellybean and a fiance. Fuck yes! You thought that you couldnt get any happier but then came the gender scan. You knew he didnt mind what they were but you also knew deep deep down you both wanted a little girl to coddle over and buhe wanted a daddies girl someone who he could be their knight in shining  armour. He could bearly keep still beside you holding your hand tight watching the screen trying to get a look at your little 'nugget' as he had called them he couldn't keep quiet either with every swipe of the ultrasound  wand he was changing his mind.

"Girl? Is that? I can see? nope Boy definatly boy"

"Henry babe...dont get to excited that's the umbilical cord...I think?" They were being a little bugger crossing their legs making the sonographer work hard to move them around as you had to move again and again trying to get the little one to move. Finally they spoke.

"And you two are about to have... Little....Princess! You have a baby girl on the way congratulations" you both froze looking at the screen seeing your baby...your daughter. Immediately you both burst into tears.

"A-a girl your sure?" Henry asked in a quiet shaky voice the woman smiled nodding handing you both tissues then moved slower over the child showing you exactly what she saw then printed off some of the photos for you. Once home Henry began refering to her as 'little lady' on account of her 'protecting her modesty' by crossing her legs.

It wasnt long after youd began talking about moving seroiusly, the house was big enough sure but now you knew the baby was a girl it all seemed much more real. Sure you'd both spoke about buying a house together on and off as youd moved in to his place earlier in the relationship but this time it was more feasible the idea of raising your precious little girl in the middle of london didn't bode well for Henry he was also concerned about haveing photos of her taken he was an actor hell your relationship was posted all over social media by your third date! He didn't want that attention on his daughter so you both started seriously looking. It only took another nine weeks to find a place you both fell in love with the Georgian detached house it looked like a mini manor with its decorative columns and tall windows had a huge garden to for kal it was perfect.

At six months you had a small private wedding and it was then that he anounced your marriage and baby Cavill, potsing your favourite wedding photo of you in you and Henry facing each other laughing witb your foreheads together, you were wrapped around each other as close as ou could get considering the bumb that had seemingly grown overnight his hand resting on the cute bump you were laughing because she had just kicked him when he had told you he loved you. Almost like 'dont forget about me!', Kal had photo bombed to his head poking out between your an Henry's legs smiling , a part of your flowy dress caught up on the bears ear head tilted the only one looking at the camera and in the same post he added an ultrasound of your baby girl. You got congratulations from many of yours freinds and family. And Henry's freinds and costars each wondering the same thing 'how the fuck did Henry keep it quiet?'. You wondered that as well, the hole pregnancy was just memory after memory. Henry made sure you did everything you could to document your daughters creation, you did the photo of your bump once a week the last one being you in the hospital in the middle of slow labour holding the gown tight around you a mere half hour before she was born. He had made sure you did the belly casting which had been tidied up and trimmed painted pink and was in the cupboard, then the 4d scans expensive tho they were nothing and you mean nothing compared to seeing her little face for the first time, it was then you realised she looked nothing like you! She was all her father although a slightly more feminine and less sharp and it was also there you were told she had lots od hair...Curls you felt like you'd hit the jackpot. At the birth he had been incredibly supportive until he wasn't, well you disagreed  he wanted to film it and not just your face  he wanted to film it you said no but regretted it after as it would have been solid proof of what happened.  You see one moment he was there then mid contraction....you heard quiet 'nope' a huge thump is what alerted you to his fall.... there was an alarm pressed and nurses came running in each giggleing, it was rare now days to have a fainter.

"Are you FUCKING KIDING ME?! HENRY?! OI! HERNY? CAVILL GET YOUR ASS UP!" You had to stop shouting and started breathing heavy as another contraction pulled at you once over you began barking orders to the nurses.

"KICK HIM...KICK HIM IN THE NUTS! DONT WORRY ABOUT STERILISING SUPERMAN HERE! NEVER AGAIN! HE WONT THEM TRUST ME... HENRY GET UP! ARE YOU LISTENING? STOP BEING A LITTLE BITCH! I AM NOT DOING THIS AGAIN COS HE FUCKING MISSED IT! LOOKING WHEN I TOLD HIM NOT TO!"  The nurses didn't know what to do it took three of them to place im in the chair each trying desperately not to laugh as you had a melt down screaming at him to 'wake the fuck up' You swore you even heard laugher from outside signaling that his family had heard. Yes your wonderfully supportive husband had fainted through stress? Excitment? Anxiety? Low blood sugar? Each time you asked him it had been different answer but and to quote him 'it was definitely not because I looked' which neither you or his brothers will ever believe or let him forget. Luckily he came to as you finally birthed his daughter. A stunning screaming little dark haired bundle. He sobbed when he held her for the first time leaning over her cradeling her so gently leaning over her kissing her as many time he possibly could he was the first one to hold her, hug her kiss her and change her. The photo of his first cuddle hung proudly in the hallway ,you will never forget that moment, the moment when Henry's whole world changed  you could see then just how much he had wanted this. Your daughter was going to be the luckiest little girl in the world.

Paige had grown into a daddies girl, through and through which made today much better. Henry was coming home from filming man from u.n.c.l.e he had been away for months and you had kept his arrival home a secret. Henry was going to make it home in about twenty five minutes. You stopped just before the colourfull gates unable to go in with Kal, you could see the kids lining up in twos underneath the oak tree in the small garden. You smile moving to stroke Kals ears hushing him as he barked loudly vibrating with exciment his tail thumping on the floor as he sat like the good boy he was. At his bark you could hear the kids all squeal with excitment, they loved it when you brought the 'wolf' to the preschool. It was funny hearing Paige whine to them that 'his name is Kal and he's a bear'. He was quite the spoilt pup when he helped you pick up his sister getting hugs and kisses of all the Paige's class mates. Finally the small class was walked out of the garden one of the teachers holding the gate lettjng them leave to their parents. Paige waited in line pointing to you then was let out you ducked down hugging her kissing between her her curly little pigtails.

"Hey baby! Have a good day?" She nodded passing you her small bag and a small potted plant? You looked at her confused but said nothing. She turned and giggled hugging kal smoshing her face in his chest making him stand up she pulled back and squealed as he latherd her with kisses three hours away from her was apparently to long!

"Oh no Kal! Stop it silly bear!" You laughed watching her push weakly at kal who began to settle down now that his 'pup' was with him. You noticed the other parents hovering there kids all pulljng itching to come get Kal cuddles. You smiled to them nodding suddenly they came over all giving him pets and love which he lapped up. You also used it as a sort of lesson the do's and donts of petting dogs, which did some of the other parents a favour. Kal wagged his tail and droped to the floor he couldnt roll over fast enough directing the tiny hands to scratch his belly mouth open tongue lolling about as he panted one happy little bear. After you were sure all the kids got there cuddles you moved calling kal he huffed at you ignoring you instead wanting more love. You smirked down at him sighing as the children giggled. Finally after much coaxing from the other parents you and Paige managed to heave kal away with promises of chicken and snuggles at home. Soon you was on your way home kal padding beside you happy as can be.

Paige took he spot beside you holding his lead with you she was talking about her 'boyfriend' a little boy who she had taken a shine to. It was really sweet he had just moved to the area a little asian boy who paige had bonded with quickly. Really they were just best freinds but he was the first boy she had made freinds with hence she had opted to call him her boyfriend.

"So then Micah played let me play and-and he let me be a knight!" You smiled at her as she beamed excited.

"Really? A knight?" She stopped at the road with you looking both ways then crossed quickly.

"Yeah! Like in daddy's games!! And he gave me some of the bany tomatoes in his lunch...did you he grew them in his own garden!!" You gasped sown at her.

"Really? Oh my, sound like a little dream boat!" she scrunched up her nose lookjng up at you placing a tiny hand to he forehed sheildjngnher eyea from the afternoon sun

"Wha?" You chuckled shaking your head at her.

"Never mind jummy is just being silly" nodded to you her lightl blue eyes sparkling at you then Continued talking about her day mostly about Micah and the games they played.

When you reached home you watched as kal began barking and whining which could only mean one thing. Henry was home already, you unlocked the gate and released the dog with a quiet 'go get daddy' he tore off whining running to the door scratching and pouncing barking the whole time.

"Mummy whats wrong with kal?" You looked down at her knowingly"I'm not sure why don't you go see to him?" She nodded her head biting her lip then licking it, she looked so much like her father doing that. Then she was off running to the house just as Henry opened the door. She froze then screamed for him quickly falling to pieces with grabby hands wantjng her daddy. You watched all choked up as always she was bawling her eyes out by the time he had jumped the steps to the house scooping her up in his huge arms. He clutched her to his chest shushing and rocking her as she cried into him fisting her small hands in his shirt just calling him over and over. He moved his head kissing her trying to calm her, he hated and loved this. He hated her getting so upset when her returned but secretly loved that she missed him. The first few times he left he was worried she wouldnt remember him but juste as youd promised him she had.

The first time he came home you’d taken her to the airport to meet him...He had ended hup having to sit in the back with her as she refused to let him go getting hysterical  each time he tried to pry her off of him. She had gotten better as she got older understanding that daddy had to work and now she was older she could speak to him on the phone and video chat. Each time after the initial crying and snuggles she would stay stuck to his side weather she was sitting on the sofa between his legs when he was playing games or in the makeshift gym with him useing his reps to practice her counting...even if in five mineuts he managed two hundred by her count they were always together. Hell sometimes he even read a new script as a bed time story, which not even you were privvy to!

You laughed walking up to him winding your arms around them both cuddling your daughter between you he leaned in kissing ou on the lips.

"God its good to be home" you smiled smoothing  one of paiges high pigtails she whined calming down kicking her little legs wrapping an arm around his neck and moved suckling her thumb a little. He moved you all into the house patting her bottom lightly somthing he had done since she was born it always soothed her. You moved to the kitchen opening the back door letting air in it was to hot, you placed the small plant on the windosill by the sinck giving it a tiny bit of water as you noticed the siol had dried out. Henry stayed close behind you wanting to be around you, you moved to the slow cooker flicking it on to warm up the already cooked casserole. He came up behinde you movijng to have Paige on one hip still rocking her slightly even tho she had calmed down.

"Ohh look baby chicken casserole...Did you help mummy with that today before school? " She giggled peering over the pot.

"Yes daddy! I putted in the veggies! And tatoes! Daddy!" He smiled at her gasping.

"You did the veggies and the potatoes?! Such a clever girl making daddies favourite dinner" she giggled at the praise nodding.

"And-and I tasted it to!" he gasped at her as she got all excited

"And what do you think?" She grinned and 'whispered'

"Needed salt" you spun round and gasped at her offended.

"You little!" You chased her and Henry around the kitchen island wriggling your fingers as if to tickle her.

"AHH HAHAHa NOOO! DADDY RUN RUN!" you giggled as he scarperd out of the kitchen hovering by the door and moved all you saw was the tops of their heads peering into the kitchen. You rolled your eyes as they made a 'plan of attack' you turned back to the pit placeing the lid back on.

Suddeny Henry had you, arms pinning yours to the sides as Paige 'tickled' you making you laugh.

"Oh my god! Stop I give I give!" Finally Paige relented koala climbing Henry who quickly scooped her up to his hip.You moved in kissing her cheek then henry as he wrapped his free arm around you nuzzling in to your neck giving a quick nip before licking at your skin.You giggled trying to escape yet all he did was grab you around your waist and hoist you up.

"HAHA! I have you both now!" You laughed and Paige squealed as he spun around holding you both before making his way to the living room  you wriggled free pretendingnto run from him making paige call out to you for help as he threw her up in the air holding her with 'slam dunking' paige to the sofa making her laugh and  scream as he followed lifting her littl tshirt blowing rasberries on her tummy makeing her squeal and laugh louder. You smiled at the two, this is what you missed when he was away, the laughter of a full house. You sat down in Henry's armchair as he and Paige 'wrestled' soon attracting kals attention who like the loyal steed he was came to paiges aid pouncing henry making him groan and roll off her givingnher and kal the chance to escape to the garden, you both let them the garden was safe and having  kal around was like a live in nanny he wont let anything happen to her.

Henry rolled over on the sofa lounging back panting crooking a finger at you. You crept over moving to sit in his lap, he tugged you down to him pressing a gentle kiss to your lips. He moved sitting up more cupping your ass smirking.

"Soo? Did you think about what I mentioned?" You grinned and pretended to think for a second making him groan leaning in leaving kisses on your neck and jaw.

"I did" you finally replied, you felt him hold his breath as his nose ghosted your ear.

"I stopped them that night~ all back to normal now" he pulled back staring at you

"Really? You mean it?" You nodded them brought you forward for a deep kiss. He had mentioned trying for another child when he came back, youd always intended to give Paige a sibling but not when she aas still a baby baby. Now that Paige was older and going to be in school next year you had felt ready to try again and had be over the moon whne henry had suggested it in a video chat instantly stopping your contraception so eveything would be back to normal and you could start trying asap asfterall you knly had him home for a few months then he was off to play superman again. He smiled lunging forward pinning you below him devouring your mouth you moaned as things got heated.

You felt them. Eyes. Blue eyes to be exact. You both sighed and turned to Paige who was staring unblinking at the two of you from the door. You moved pushing him up.

"Mummy? Wheres my plant I wana show daddy what I grew!" He looked at you and sighed a little, you could tell he was a bit dissapointed but you waved him off as he stood pulling you up with him you moved in whispering.

"Tonight love" he grinned and jumped up a bounce in his step holding his hand out to paige who took it.

"Its on the windowsill in the kitchen" Henry nodded left the room letting you relax for a while already knowing you were picking up your kindle to read. Once in the kitchen he lifted Paige placing her on the counter and pulled over the small plant.

"So whats this then?" She smiled touchingnthe leaves softly

"Its a strawberry plant daddy...I did it from a tiny seed!" He smiled at her looking to the plant it wasnt half bad small but alive which is more then he could say for his when he tried.

"Oh you did this? At school?" She nodded at him and moved the leaves about.

"Yes and it will get bigger and grow pretty flowers...And the flowers will grow a strawberry! Miss bou said we cant pick em till they are a bright red like in the shops... and we can take pictures in to show em off!" He nodded to her

"So your gardening at school now? Is it fun?" She giggled putting the plant down

"Yeah we got lots in our vegetable patch...we got some lettuce and peppers and spinach and and tomatoes! But they not ready yet...Micahs is! Micah grows the at home... can we grow some veggies daddy?" He smiled at her

"We certainly can...Besides we will need to plant your strawberries in the garden...I will make your ownn little growing patch amd we can grow anything you want how does that sound?" She squealed and bounced on her bottom making him smile.

"Lets make a list and we can go get them tomorrow" she nodded in agreement. You walked in the kitchen as henry and Paige leaned over the counter making a list

"Whats going on here then?" Paige quickly riped the paper from under Henry's nose.

"List mummy! Of palnts for my veggie patch! Daddy wants to help!" You smiled peaking over the paper seeing two halves one side had strange 'paige writing' the other a list Henry had written. Compost, tools, string, pots then lots of different fruit and veg. You chuckled shaking your head.

"You missed watering can...maybe we could get a waterbutt? And one of thows plastice green houses to start the seedling off?" He smiled nodding addjng them to the list as you went and checked dinner. You nodded then turned to the other two."Right you tow dinners done wash up then go wait at the table...Had it in the slow cooker all day just needed to be heated up" he leaned over kissing you once again thanking you then helped Paige was her hands leaving to the dining room with Paige.

You did this everytime he came home early dinner meant an early bedtime for Paige and then You could give Henry a proper homecoming. You dished up the dinner home made chicken casserole you moved quickly with the three bowles placing them on the table then sat down ready to eat as Henry began talking about work. you smiled letting him gush about his work, you loved seeing him like this he blushed slightly.

"Any way enough about that, how have my two girls been?" You watched at Paige grinned across the table to him.

"I made a new friend daddy!" You swallowed your mouthfull choosing to keep quiet you knew where this was going you grinned into you bowl. He smiled at her leaning over to wipe her mouth quickly making her giggle at him as he stuck his tongue out at her.

"Oh really? And whats her name?"

"Haha nooo! Daddy its not a girl...I've got a boyfriend!" Henry choked onhis mouthfull paiges face dropped and she looked to you worriedly you smiled reassuringly at her. Henry hit his chest coughing finally getting himslef under control, he looked at you shocked and terrified you nodded at him chuckling.

"A-a boyfriend? Poppet dont you think your a bit err young for that?" She frowned at him shaking her head.

"No daddy! He is really nice! He lets me be a knight! And today we had lunch together and he fed-ed me his tomatoes."

"Gave paige he gave you his tomatoes" you corrected as Henry gaped at her unsure what to make of it.

"So he is just a friend?....he better be"  he grumbled the last part under his breath.

"He is a friend...My boyfriend I love him daddy... he gives me hugs! And Kal likes him to! He's my hero" You giggled as Henry was panicked and at a loss.

"Really....love I thought daddy was your hero?" Creased up he actually looked a bit hurt from her words she gave him a sympathetic look.

"Yes daddy you are...But Micah is to! He is soo pretty and fun and he don't make me be the princess all the time...And he shares his colours"

"Okay so you love this boy Micah?" She nodded pushing her food around in her bowl.

"What do you love about him?"

"His hair! Its black and shiney! And and he is cute!"

"Aha but you do know he isnt your boy friend right? Your not aloud boyfriends yet....No boyfriends untill your older." He said she looked at him wide eyed then you her bottom lip quivering.

"What? But but I love him!" Henry crossed his arms at her she mimicked him scowling

"No absolutly not baby" .she whined and smaked the table in a huff

"NOOO! MY BOYFRIEND!" He raised a brow at her as she had a paddy.

"No boyfreinds untill your 21 and thats final ittle lady"

"No! Micah is mine! My boyfriend! A-and you cant stop us from playing! So there!" Henry rose a brow trying to ignor your quiet chuckles as Paige made huffed and stuck her nose in the air being a right little madame. You watched givjng Henry the stink eye as a grin crawled across his face. Here we go.

"Its illegal...he could get in trouble, daddy could get in trouble" Henry tilted his head at her as she gasped trying to read him, you could see her mind trying to work him out. Is he lying? Or not? but her father was an actor...And a damn good one he had a poker face like no other. You knew where this was going, you knew you should stop it but his was gold! You had a feeling that henry was not gojng to ckme out on top.as she opend her mouth.

"W-well we wont tell..Keep it a secret!" She said holding a finger to her lips Henry tutted shaking his head.

"Oh poppet...Do you know where daddy has been these past months?" You squinted at him trying to see exactly where this was going knowing you were going to have to pick up the pieces. She nodded then shook her head no. He smiled devilishly at her. Oh shit here he goes.

"Daddy has been to spy school" you gasped at him oh hell no he wouldnt...yes he fucking would you could see the twinkle in his deep blues.

"Spy school?" She spoke in a small voice then turned to you looking fro one to the other he nodded at he

"Y-your a spy?" He nodded and she gave him a sa look.

"Yes, and I made friends with lots of spies" she twitched slightly shaking her head.

"And they told me that the spy rules says that a spy's little girl isn't allowed a boyfriend until they are twenty one....If they did find out daddy could get in trouble...You dont want daddy to be in trouble do you?" She shook her head bottom lip trembling as she was torn. She looked like she would explode as she tried weighting up her 'options'.

 Suddenly Henry dropped his smug look and looked more like a deer in the headlights as Paige began wailing moving her arms making grabby hands to you. You sighed and hoisted her into your arms rocking her trying so hard not to laugh.

"W-why is da-daddy mean?....I ju-just want to pl-play with my boyfreind!" You patted her back rocking her.

"No-now D-daddy will get i-in trouble! But I-I just w-wana plaayy!" She cried harder hicupping between her words.

"Oh sweety come here shh shh" you gave Henry a look as he leaned back in his chair crossing his arms at you shaking his head. Stubborn and protective of his little lady.

"Nope..Not having it" you hissed at him knowing you had to spell this one out for the big idiot.

"Daddy didn't mean it,he wont get in trouble at all baby girl"

"Yes I did"

"HENRY!" he shut up at your hiss

"Bu-but d-daddy said-"

"Hey look at me...Dont listen to daddy he is an idiot and just jealous of Micah" she sniffled an nodded

"Y-yeah cos he-he's got pretty Shiney hair... D-daddies just got stupid curls!" You giggled as Henry looked aghast at her not believing wht ha was hearing

"Exactly daddy is just being a grump! you can still play with Micah...He is your best friend isn't he?" She nodded sniffling

"and you love his like a friend right?" Henry now realised his mistake blinked at you as you rolled your eyes shaking your head at him like 'what the fuck? Really? Shes three' .oh. She pulled away wipinng her eyes looking to henry's matching blues.

"Really daddy? C-can I still play w-with micah?"

"Yes of course...I'm sorry baby...you and mummy was right I just got jealous...daddy is used to being your only hero." Smooth cavill real smooth. She bought it tho nodding he tilted his head down.

"Yo-you wont be in tr-trouble" he shook his head at her

"A-and Micah wo-wont be in t-trouble?" Again he shook his head and reached for her.

"No baby daddy was just being silly...Come here Can you forgive me poppet?" She thlught about it then nodded lunging for him cuddling him he mouthed a sorry to you but you just rolled your eyes at him. Idiot.

It was later that night when Henry returned to your bedroom after reading Paige to sleep,. You both flitted about one another getting ready for bed ou was brushing your teeth when he brought it up.

"So who is this micah then?" You rolled your eyes still hearing a little hostility there...To a fucking three year old. You spat out the toothpaste and looked to henry leaning on the door.

"A little boy...He moved to the village just after you left...Paige was instantly taken with him, he is asian so was avoided by the other kids...you know what she's like with hair and shes never seen straight pitch black hair before... she gushed about him for a few days then they became best freinds....And she call's him her boyfriend because he is the first male friend shes made! God henry really shes three! There none of that shit yet...not for a good few years!" You turned away from your sheepish husband.

"So? nothing i need to know? theres nothing going on? whats his parents like?" You blinked at him..

"Seriously? Like are you being serious now?  Ok well fuck it his dad has taken over the doctors surgery and is actually your and my doctor now that dr marsh has retired! His mother is a stay at home wife, they have a cat called fuji; cos he is fat and a gold fish called mino because its a mino...he is a sweet polite boy ...his favourite colour is green he grows fruit and veg in his garden and you know what Henry he fucking loves batman! and whne he batman versus superman comes out he is gonna want batman to kick your ass! there you happy Jesus fucking christ almighty!" Henry smirked moving towards you slowly stalking towards you really.

"Fuck off" he just chuckled quickly wrappjng himself around you.

"God your so sexy when our mad come here~" you blinked at him

"Oh hell no You did not get me riled up to have rough sex.....Henry I!....you little shit!" He laughed knowing you’d caught onto him making you more irritated and dragged you to the bed kissing at your neck along the way.

"Come on love time for number two...A boy to keep and eye on Paige for me when I'm away!" You chuckled relenting as he laid you down on your bed.

[honeydvew]

what's the biggest life decision (you feel comfortable saying) that you've ever made? do you ever think about what would've happened if you hadn't made a certain choice/how it would've affected your life?

canofworms0 downloading tumblr. i know that sounds stupid but honestly its real. im not allowed to have anything else in regards to social media. not instagram, not twitter, not snapchat, not tik tok, nothing. my mother knows i have tumblr so i dont know why she doesnt make me delete it (but it might have to do with the fact she thinks its like deviant art or smth) but im so glad she doesnt. as social-media-addicted-teenager as this sounds without tumblr my life would fucking suk right now. i wouldnt have the things i do and i wouldnt be as happy. and i can give you examples.

lets go in order of events shall we :)

1. i downloaded tumblr some time last year (around may i think) and i immediately found a blog i liked! they were a 13yo like me they shared some of my interests and they seemed really cool! so i followed them. i dont know this blogs current @ but im so lucky i ever found them. a month or so later they posted about a server! it was a community server that they and some friends were in. i joined. thats where i met @starry-baby-katie and @gayishgothamite. and i love those dorks (affectionate)! we might not talk very offten but i think of them as people who are SO important to me. i love them with my whole soul and i dont know if my life would be as bright without them.

2. around 11/5 of last year i was scrolling through tumblr like usual. i saw an add for a server. at that point i was in maybe three servers on discord and didnt have many friends so i thought you know why not! its a mental health server and i wasnt in the best place maybe could benefit from it a bit. i joined and there were maybe 14 members including the mods. we didnt really think the server would go much of anywhere for a while and i honestly didnt interact much for a while but you know what. now that server is such a huge part of my life i dont think i would be here without it. i mean i love every last person there so much. literally all of them. @the-final-braincell bun bun is honestly one of the best people ive ever met. they’re funny and joyful and just the best to be around. talking to them always cheers me up and she always manages to make me laugh. were on the mod team together and she is such an important part of the team that we wouldnt run as smoothly as we do without her. i love them so so much and if i hadnt gotten tumblr? would never have met them. then theres @sir-tigerr. tiger. just. tiger. hes so amazing and i honestly would die for him. i love him so much and just talking to him can make my day. i wouldnt be as happy and the sever wouldnt be as fun without him. and @reallyradrat server owner :) sammy im so grateful for sammys existence just.. overall. they made the sever. they wrote the add post. and they’re such a good friend. i cant imagine not having them in my life they’ve made such a difference. so just... thank you <3 and @tiredconfusedandgay!! cub!! i love them!! theyre such a joy to be around and them being in the server is such a lucky thing! it wouldnt be as fun and bright of a place without them and they bring so much every time and i love seeing them in chat everyday. and with leo comes @canofworms0 baby child. anni is so amazing. just overall. so happy and funny and just an amazing person to be around and im so happy to have them in the server. @lentil-darling !!! kittycat!!! i love them!! they're so amazing and have helped me through things on more than one occasion and I'm so grateful for that and for them. they're such a good friend and i always have such a good time whenever we vc! its honestly something i look forward to! and speaking of VCs @gayest-unicorn is amazing. VCing with them is so fun and i hope we can do it more often. and on top of that just messaging them is great! and they're puns (ouns ;)/ij)? FANTASTIC! i hate puns by most means but whenever they crack a joke it makes my day 4000 times better. he's just amazing and i think he deserves the world. cant say enough praise to him :) so i low key have to speedrun this bc im running out of time to type this but all of these people also deserve the world and i wouldnt know them if it wasnt for tumblr @smoll-lightning-bug  @totally-tater-tot @savemycrustysoul @a-broken-laptop @nantuckets-weaver @undead-mutt  @hufflepuff-pide-honey-badger @human331279 and just so so many more whos @s i didnt get or couldnt find. i am so grateful to have in my life because of this server and that post. that post literally changed my life forever and i cant imagine my life without it and without these people

3. a few months went by and i made some mutuals and friends and whatnot. my at the time friend irl then made an account. i was really excited! why wouldnt i be! friend made account! awesome! but another thing about that? i had a crush on them.. and they could now see my account. but fuck it it was a great trade off. we spent a lot of time sending each other asks and messaging while in quarantine and it was just great. then i saw an ask game and i rebloged it. i realized this ask game said “♻ are we a qpp or what?” as one of the asks. now im a coward and i could NEVER have done this outside tumblr in anyway but i took the chance. i sent them the post and said “you should rb this! you have followers that would interact im sure” and so.. they did. i sent the ask and they said yes :) five months later and we’re still dating. whos this amazing person? that my friend would be @mossofthecosmos the most amazing person ive ever met. theyre the light of my life and if it werent for tumblr i would still be a blushy, semi-verbal, embarrassed, mess around them. and we wouldnt be dating. i cant even imagine what that would be like. i love them so much and they make every day wroth living for me and if it werent for tumblr, i wouldnt have that. 

4. and ive made friends. so many of them. and i love them all so much! i dont talk to a few anymore but for the while we did they made my days and made me so happy. without tumblr i wouldnt have met @mimekyo or @books-andbiscuits who are both people that have made my life a brighter place! 

okay so i cried writing this and i cried HARD

bottom line nonie? this question is so loaded it took me three hours to write an answer and a stupid amount of words that no one will read all the way through

i cant put it into words but this website is one of the best things that ever happened to me and i cant imagine life without it 

[mightbewriting]

So I came to W&H and B&E in an odd way. I'm a long time Dramione fic reader who like many of us doubled down on in 2020 to find comfort in a bananas year. I kept seeing W&H on everyone's rec list, but for whatever reason kept putting it off. Then I heard about the prequel and decided to wait for that to be finished, read it, then do W&H. But once it was finished, I saw you recommended W&H first so I was like okay I'll do that. I struggle with impulse control but am trying to do better so when I saw the audiobook for W&H I was like perfect, I'll listen rather than read that way I won't gobble it up in a day. Ha well that did not work, I listened to the first 3 chapters (at that time those were the only chapters they had recorded) then instantly ran not walked to A03, reread said chapters, then continued on. At Chapter 4 of W&H, I thought hmm maybe I'll read them simultaneously. I continued that way maybe through Chapter 13 of B&E and Chapter 7ish then fully committed to W&H first. I cannot imagine reading these fics in real time because reading them in full, back to back was the most intense glutenous binge and it's taken over my life in the best way. I have been living in your fictional universe for the past two weeks. I started a list of all the parallels and callbacks and eventually had to call it because they are innumerable. I'm awed. In literal awe. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Your writing - the individual words of your vast vocabulary, the way you string said words together into hilarious, heart breaking, heart stopping, beautiful, and visceral feelings is astounding. It's hard to explain but even good writers (and/or an intriguing plot) sometimes do not create an overall immersive feeling. But the feelings your words evoke are all encompassing and truly universe building. Like it's not just the wording or the plot or the charters but all of it together come to make something even greater than the sum of their parts. Your writing, your universe of W&H, S&S, and B&E live in my mind and heart and in an embarrassing amount of screenshots of passages on my phone and in voice memos to myself as I don't have anyone irl to fan girl with. When I think of your words and the world you built, I'm reminded of a Taylor Swift lyric: "it cut deep to know you, right to the bone". That is how I'd describe your writing's effect on me, but in the best way.

Your brain's capacity to plot, plan, and flawlessly deliver W&H THEN B&E? Idk how you kept all the threads and plot points and moments and timelines in check. My head aches just thinking about how you wrote these stand-alone but also inextricable works of art. Like how does one's brain function in such a level? And it's especially telling in B&E because we knew where we were going but I still gasped, screamed, squealed, giggled, had to put my phone down, clutched it to my heart, fist pumped, stopped half way through just for a minute to breath and take it all in, and overall looked and acted as an utter idiot during each and every chapter because while I knew where we were going I also had no idea! I'm just floored you managed to keep us at the edge of our seats with a prequel? Who does that? You do!

The texts in the final chapter of W&H devastated me, literal chills. I think about that daily. It's exactly what H and we needed. Just like a reminder of what they went through. It reminded me of Chapter 41 of B&E. Like a summary of where they had been and where they are now.

The other thing that rattled in my brain is the motifs of choice and time, life kind of boils down to those two things huh? But choice especially. It's funny because choice is so prominent but at the same time how W&H and B&E give off soulmate vibes even though this is not a soulmate fic (also are the rumors true...?!) because despite time turners, breakups, and lost memories, they always come back together. But more on choice: it's just as Draco says - in a million scenarios he'll always choose her and he feels lucky she chose him just once. But of course with W&H, she does it twice. And she does it in both timelines of B&E, and of course that's the problem when Draco realizes he has not done the same hence heartbreak 1.0. And just god - he wants her to have a choice with the potion, a choice with her memories, and stops the timey wimey madness by realizing he's taking her choice (and in a way H started it by taking away his choice and leaving the first time). And then those parts about how he chose her, she chose him, but they could not chose each other. This motif, these callbacks. I'm flabbergasted. It's just hitting me now that you extend the choice to us as readers - we get to choose whether H get her memories back or not.

Theo in all your Wait and Hope universe, but especially S&S broke me. Blaise asking who is taking care of Theo when he's taking care of everyone else? Theo's literal and figurative demons? Yikes. Those were unpleasant looks in the mirror for me. I'm glad Theo has his Blaise. Where's mine haha? Also just shout to your underrated Blaise. The fact that he might be my favorite of the Slytherians in your stories says a lot since he doesn't say a lot haha. But he packs such a punch in all your works.

Okay, after singing your well deserved praises and fan girling and marveling at your works (god this is so long, I'm so sorry!), at long last my ask. I still cannot get this out of my head: what did Theo mean in Chapter 1 of B&E when he suggests to Draco “I know that. Maybe you could—tell her some of—” some of what? I zeroed in on this as soon as I read it and it's been rattling in my brain ever since.

um. hi? holy shit. i dont know how to process this. i am resisting the impulse to cringe away from the level of praise happening here because i really need to learn how to take a compliment but oh my god? i am not...this is just...wowzers. you are very literally too kind to me. i have melted into a puddle of feelings in my reading chair here. 

so, first things first: thank you. these are some of the nicest things i’ve ever heard about my writing and i can guarantee i will come back to this ask when I'm feeling like i suck and need a motivation boost. i can’t deny...it feels really nice to know that at least one person out there caught and appreciated some of the insane attention to detail i forced upon myself lol. so thank you. truly, thank you so much for saying such amazingly kind things that have short circuited my brain!

and im sure my friends at @etl-echo-audiobooks will be over the moon to know that their recording work was such a hit! your trajectory reading these stories is so fun and hilarious and probably the most unique reading experience i’ve heard so far xD

also, please be advised that your analysis on choice in these stories is probably going to live in my head rent free for the rest of my life. i feel seen, you know? you just...picked up what i was putting down and it feels really nice to know that it worked for you! 

and ok. your question. that little dash of ambiguity i was planning on leaving open ended. but let it be known i can be plied with compliments. i can’t just *not* give you something in return for such a lovely and kind and thoughtful dose of joy you had absolutely no obligation to give me today. 

so, in my mind, after draco’s house arrest ended and before he went abroad for his mastery, he and theo had an extensive (most likely drunken. also blaise was probably there too) night of reflection where they kind of just looked back at their childhoods and the war and the history of blood purity and just sort of went: “what the fuck?” i imagine draco probably confided in theo that when he went abroad, he planned to just try and pretend like none of it mattered, to see if that was really true. and draco probably kept him updated via owl (even though draco did not write enough and theo had feelings about that) so that by the time draco returned and we have theo asking that sort of trailing question, the implication at the end is “what if you told granger some of your realizations about it all?” so...not all that exciting? but there you have it!

in conclusion: thank you! you are too kind! i appreciate your thoughtful commentary SO much! i’m so happy you enjoyed these stories. and i hope the explanation of what theo was going to say wasn’t too underwhelming.

[elegiesforshiva]

Kind of wondering if you are planning on publishing anything related to Ghosts as in recently, especially because it seems to be a long time, and... I have a few questions as in the timeline, like, when was Sakura assaulted and how many years go by you know. Really excited to read your answer and even more excited about reading more Ghosts, I just discovered it and IM OBSESSED

Hi anon im so sorry i took so long to respond to this !!!!!!!!!!! i feel like it was one of those weeks where i'm constantly doing shit and somehow I still haven't spent a minute of it actually being productive lmfao OKAY!!!!!! so to start off with the timeline...hmmmmmm... my memory might be failing me, it's been awhile since I've written Ghosts or paid real attention to my first beginning notes, but I think I wanted Sakura's sexual assault to have taken place after Sasuke attacked the kage summit and also tried to kill her and like all of team 7, but her especially. And I also wanted it to be before the war actually started. I think I had wanted her to be like 16 or 17. As for how many years go by... I know I was planning for them to be 24 or 25 in the present day of the fic... canon ended when they were 17? 18? Something like that, so I had planned for Sasuke to have been venturing for some time before returning to Konoha. (I think in canon it ended up only being like a year or two though... I didn't think I knew that at the time I wrote what I did. I remember Kishimoto was still publishing info concerning the main series. As for Ghosts!! I can't say for sure, at one point I was really certain I'd continue, and sometimes I still am, but either way I think my road to where that journey ends will look very different from what I had planned at the start... I think on that piece all the time, I have a lot of investment in it, but I don't always know where I want to go with it...I had an outline but sometimes I wonder if I should change it. I had really wanted to at least follow the canon storyline, but I think I may end up straying from it all if I continue. I love Kishimoto's story, but I don't think it talks about the scope of my needs and wants from these characters, and Ghosts was always about exploring the infinity of that gap tbh... don't see why the resolution should be different (anymore, at least.) Idk!!! It's a very big "well, we'll see" lol. I may write more for that series, I may not. These days I'm just trying to live tbh, I feel isolated from a lot of resources I need and my brain just feels like fucking soup; I struggle with finding the poetry and colorful articulation that I need for writing right now. I've been giving my love for art more these days, but I don't think I'll ever truly part from either craft. They're both deeply necessary ways of how I breathe in this world, and are as much of a joy as they are necessities. But I'm sorry, this has a lot of tangents, I just want to say I'm really grateful you like Ghosts this much, I always lose my mind when people leave notes and love on that fic, like it's crazy that I'm still hearing about how people enjoy this impulse project I made like years later.... I love that fic, I love every one of it's readers, I love hearing comments like these... thank you so fucking much. I'm sorry if this answer wasn't what you wanted to hear or if I didn't answer your questions correctly, please know you're always welcomed to ask more or give your own thoughts!!! And thank you so much for reading my work and giving me this piece of love 💕 💞 💓 💗 💖🥰🥰🥰🥰

[alittlefrenchtree]

#were they just waiting for me to shit on the met gala or...

I feel this tag soooooo fucking much but everyone's so excited and I'm just whatever. Congrats I guess ???

Also I kinda would love for you to shit talk the met gala right now but I understand why you might not want to.

So change of topic I couldn't stop laughing about the oiseaux post. French is just a joy. I didn't have to use any French in close to 5 (I'm just realizing it must be 5 years and I'm slightly shocked) but in a class im currently taking I have to give a presentation on Marie de Medici and way to many books in our library are in French and I'm currently suffering a bit. Also don't get why they're in French (yeah French queen but :( ) since I live in Germany one would guess there would be more translations. But well French it is including all its joys. 😅

Hahahhaha I don’t really mean to shit on the met gala. I mean it’s not my kind of jam and I’m not really in the right mindset for getting excited for it but I don’t want to shit on other people’s happiness for the event and to see Tim there.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for him as a person. He loves fashion and it’s the fashion event of the year. I still think it’s a bit costume-y for his usual style (which is always amazing and refreshing but which stays pretty simple and rarely overthetopcrazy) but it’s cool. It’s his first time, and I get the appeal to try and see what it’s like. I also get that, as a New York kid, co-hosting this event at the Metropolitan Museum of Art he probably feels a lot for, will be a mind blowing experience. I hope he’ll have a lot of fun there and styling himself beforehand.

Like always, it’s towards the business side of thing I feel half in earnest, half in jest (it’s the first time I use this turn of phrase in English, I have no idea if it works that way).

In a way, I’m like yay, thumbs up, excellent move because a few weeks before Dune, it will be a beautiful showcase for the movie and its promo. I hope they’ll send Zendaya near him, maybe think of outfits for them that would work somehow together and make them do something together that day. That would be a logical and not too forced way to make them do good content together.

All in all, I’m happier to see him attending as a co-host instead of just as.. a guest. Host or guest are business opportunities anyway, but it still feels better to see it clearly. It’ll look good on his resume, I get it.

On the other hand… It feels more I’m famous related than I’m an actor related. I know, I know, many prestigious artists, actors, actresses, musicians are intending every year but it feels like he’s invited as the most influential man in fashion first and as an actor second and i’ll never be confortable/deliriously with putting things in that order in his professional appearances. There is a quote of him somewhere floatting around, when he says he doesn’t want to be (too) involved in the fashion world because he’s an actor. Without immediately screaming lies, it could feel like a concession made on his part. I don’t know.

To my personal taste, the event in itself feels kind of oldfashioned, very not modern. There is a concept in French that I don’t know how to translate in English. It’s l’entre-soi. It wouldn’t be a problem but to see that much coverage and noise for an event that has almost no interest for the general audience doesn’t feel right to me. Like I said in a previous post, if you read the Hunger Games books, it feels very much like a Capitol party. Most people there aren’t bad, they just feel even more disconnected than usual at that kind of event. And I know everything with famous people should feel the same but I like having the excuse of art. And I know fashion is art but the fashion of the met gala never felt very relatable to me and I have a hard time imagining how it can feel relatable for a kid who’s dreaming about becoming a fashion designer. But maybe I’m completely mistaken.

So yeah, like I said, mixed feelings about the event in itself, mostly.

And oh boi, French. Oiseau does make sense when you know how it works but I feel very much to anyone who has to approach the language without being French in the first place. And, like I often said, I feel very much for French people as well because what.a.language. Not sure I can do much and I’m very dumb regarding History but let me know if I can be of any help with your French struggles 😁