#im so beyond past burnt out at this point and i want to quit but i literally can't because i likely wont be able to find another job | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

faedawayyy · 4 years ago

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part 1

THINGS YOU PROBABLY DIDN’T KNOW ABOUT MY CHARACTERS THAT ARE ABSOLUTELY CANON. IT’S JUST HOW THEY FEEL, GO AWAY.

BASICALLY, this is a masterlist of things i want people to know about them but they’d never necessarily say or show outloud bc most of them as stubborn as fuck.

DALLAS

he doesn’t regret or hate any of his exes at all. he is completely indifferent towards liana and gisele, still loves soraya and has a kind of up-down mood towards riley and zara. ruby’s a friend.

he believes he’ll end up with soraya...like one thousand percent. she’s the only person he’s loved.

charlie, matt and evan are the only people he’d give the label of ‘true friends’ and it definitely isn’t what he would’ve expected a few years ago.

his weakness is people feeling proud of him. like that’s something he craves constantly and when it happens, or you show it genuinely, you’re most likely to get through to him.

his natural coping mechanism is to act out; some people shut down/drink/take drugs. the more extreme dallas’s behaviour is and the harsher he’s behaving, the more you know he’s hurting/in a bad place.

definitely the victim of a serious god complex. he believes with his whole heart that some of his worst work is still better than a lot of peoples best (so do i cause im a bieber fan LOL)

he’s intelligent - scarily so...he got into several top colleges after high school including yale (where he attended for half of a semester/term), oxford and UCL.

before his dad’s debt engulfed his family, he had a really good relationship with him and played multiple sports including hockey and golf.

he can’t picture himself living past 30...or 27 some days.

biggest character flaw EASILY is not knowing how to ask for or accept help. it’s been the root of ALL of his bad decisions and shitty actions.

this literally isn’t a secret but he doesn’t give up. if you push him, he’ll push back harder and would sooner escalate a situation than be the one to walk away.

he does everything in his power to not have to sleep in his family home.

a cute hidden quality - he’s shockingly very good with children

a shit hidden quality - a lot of his choice of girlfriend’s have to do whether he finds them physically attractive or not. if it’s an ‘or not’, chances are he won’t even consider it.

his personality type is estp - bold, practical, original, direct, insensitive, risk-prone, unstructured, defiant

he is HIGHLY impulsive and quick to act on feelings. back to his exes, this has often made him feel like he loves people that he definitely doesn’t.

he’s actually HUGELY affectionate and that’s the tell tale sign of who he likes and who he doesn’t. if you’ve known him and he’s never acted soft/affectionate, he didn’t care in the first place.

he’s one million percent had his heartbroken. he’ll tell you he hasn’t all day.

conflicting with his god complex is crushingly low self-esteem when it comes to things like being worth of peoples time/energy/genuine interest beyond just being funny/hooking up with.

silent reassurance is a thing for him. he’ll check that someone he’s comfortable with/loves is there every so often as social events and eye contact/acknowledgement definitely helps

MASON

confrontation and disputes gives him huge anxiety but the carmichael house is the definition of toxic masculinity, so he swallows it and tries to be as rational as possible in arguments.

comparison is a very real thing for him. he compares every element and detail of his life to others; especially the other boys.

he considers madison his first love

his love language is definitely acts of service, if he’s willing to help and work towards something w.you, then he cares.

he is definitely a burnt out over-achiever. he struggles with the concept of ‘reaching his full potential’ and no matter what he does, he doesn’t feel like he’s ever there

between leo and brody, he feels like he was never a child or even young. he’s always had a really wise head on his shoulders and is rarely impulsive. it’s the thing he hates most about himself...yet the thing a lot of people find appealing

if you mention a critically acclaimed movie as your favourite, it gives him a bad first impression of you LOL

he struggles to show emotion more than the others, who tend to act out and make rash decisions. i doubt anybody’s seen him cry ever.

he didn’t peak in high school but he 100% misses who he was back then

nostalgia is something that consumes him sometimes - if he’s shared a deep connection or memories with you, he won’t forget about you

he’s literally never been on the wrong side of the law but police sirens make him anxious

he never wants to be turn out like his dad, but also wants everything his dad created and had and it’s his biggest dilemma

dogs are and have always been his favourite animal

organisation is a big thing to him. people probably assume kendall is the one who keeps things in check in their apartment, but it’s totally him. cabinets, wardrobes, shelves and everything...he can’t leave it alone if it’s disorganised

he struggles being spoken down to or feeling like he’s being patronised. it’s the quickest way to piss him off

he over-thinks everything, even if it doesn’t feel like it

his worst habit is nail biting. he even had the stuff you put on your fingers as a kid and it didn’t squash it

he’s vegetarian

if he wasn’t a carmichael, he definitely would’ve gone backpacking and worked from place to place after school but his dad definitely wouldn’t have approved

feeling useful to people is something that makes him feel self-worth

it’s very rare for him to quit ANYTHING. if he’s committed, he’ll be in it until it comes to a natural end or just forever

NATE

an actual clean freak. he hates mess.

he doesn’t know if imogen is/was his first love but he definitely considers her his soulmate

when he falls for someone, he falls HARD and will definitely give up some of his own values or change to impress somebody

he has a lot of opinions and ideas but finds it hard to articulate them, he’s always found it easier to fall into the ‘hot guy’ trope and it’s got him far enough so he can’t complain

he’s lowkey into zodiac signs and astrology but wouldn’t ever outwardly show it

he’s VERY domestic; cooking, cleaning handy-work etc. are all strong points of his. it’s rare you’ll find any space he’s living in a mess

he’s a romantic but quietly. the amount of time he spends thinking about dating/his love life/his future wife/kids scares him sometimes

if he shouts, he’s not even that mad. when he gives up and just let’s someone go off/or he walks off, that’s usually when he’s hit rock bottom with someone

big hero 6 is his favourite movie but he says black panther because it’s more acceptable to most LOL

he suffers with health anxiety; not working out properly, or eating too much junk food will send him on a weird spiral where he’s hard on himself for months

he always smells good. always.

he doesn’t like people who act dumb for attention, it’s probably his pet peeve

his harry potter house is slytherin, i took the test for him.

he loves all of his sisters but is definitely the closest to evie, it may have something to do with them being the youngest of the 5.

the thought of having to play any board game upsets him a lot

if he sleeps over at anybody’s house, he has to bring his own pillow. most people who know him have just accepted it

even now he’s older, his parents are very much his parents - he hasn’t got that friendly vibe some people get with their parents once they pass 20.

he’s a pretty good chameleon. he can shift and change depending on the crowd he’s with without being too obvious

#dallas musings #mason musings #nate musings

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mallahanmoxie · 4 years ago

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i know this behaviour is a relic of my hilariously ironically unfinished higher education but i cannot move forward with the kids' sorting until i have finished at the very least the whole novel, if not all the side stories as well. i just need to have the most amount of facts available to be able to rule on this or i fear i'm going to end up awfully misjudging everything (i'm only on volume 9 of 15!!!!!) and inso's law is both too fucking wild and its character arcs too goddamn important to ignore.

so have my preliminary and very very very shallow sortings with brief explanations under the cut instead, i guess

ham dani

primary: ravenclaw

secondary: hufflepuff (most likely)

i think the primary is pretty straightforward. ham dani has a system that she measures all new information against: her knowledge of webnovels and belief she is inside one direct practically all her actions and have a chokehold on most of her thoughts. the nuances of this belief change throughout the story but she is always seen reasoning against this external system and deferring to it in spite of her immediate feelings. as far as secondary, i lean towards hufflepuff because dani's like an interesting people magnet, somewhat unconsciously forming communities wherever she goes, and she works so hard when she wants something. she went to cram school every day after what happened in february still, she studies so hard despite her grades, she toils at her relationships with the others.

eun jiho

primary: gryffindor or ravenclaw

secondary: slytherin

i do think he's an idealist for a primary, i'm just not sure which. i hesitate to say if his expectations/upbringing are the system by which he measures the world (and dani is. always wrecking havoc on this) or if he feels what is right and as he grows this diverges from what he's been taught and thus why his feelings for dani represent such a point of contention. i still don't know. i lean towards gryffindor, though. he's most definitely a sytherin secondary, though. the cold persona was probably taught as well, and likely comfortable, but he doesn't seem uncomfortable by it (unlike jooin, in a way) and his quick switch with dani from sweet to normal when talking in his father's presence when he could have waited is quite slytherin to me. he's mostly in his neutral state with dani tho.

ban yeoryung & yoo chunyoung

primary: slytherin

secondary: gryffindor

lumping them together because they turned out to have the same. originally pinged yeoryung as a true gryffindor, but i think her undying loyalty to dani and dani alone is pretty telling. her morality might rely a lot on her gryffindor secondary, but it doesn't matter what's right as long as dani is okay. i had no idea with chunyoung until i thought of how threatened he is by ruda trying to pull dani from their inner circle and thought it made sense. chunyoung is constantly surrounded and affirmed by his close circle of loved ones so that outlier is both unprecedented and distressing. ban yeoryung is as gryffindor secondary as can be--bold and brash and even violent. chunyoung is a quieter but equally self assured flavour of gryffindor, blunt and unapologetic in his true self, unaccostumed and distrustful of lies and deceit.

woo jooin

primary: burnt gryffindor

secondary: ravenclaw

jooin's past definitely did incredibe damage to his self-image. i figured he'd be more than not a burnt primary and started looking at those. i was torn between hufflepuff (it seemed like he wanted to be more than what he was, but i wasn't sure if that was directed to people in general or just as a way to make up for what he'd done. also suspected he'd left himself out of his concept of 'people' and had restricted his circle to his friends and family only) but his internal struggle ended up feeling more like a gryffindor's guilt over his breached felt moral code and lack of faith in being able to redeem himself or follow a straight path again. i also thought hufflepuff (even slytherin) for the secondary on account of his intermingling but ended up thinking of the people he befriends and his "facade" as skills in his toolkit, legacy of that lady's influence on him. his personal relationships are tools as is every other bit of information he keeps on them, including who knows who and what are they experts in and how he can use them. likewise, his frantic trying to call ham dani and the wall of post its he puts up after she disappears sounded rather in line with that.

kwon eunhyung

primary: hufflepuff? slytherin? he's schroddinger's primary but he is likely burnt.

secondary: hufflepuff

listen, i have no idea what the fuck is going on in eunhyung's head, like, ever. he's the least explored so far to me so everything he does is a surprise in some shape or form. i think he tends towards one of the more steady ones—somehow i can't help jut read his shrewdness as something put upon but im not willing to bet on that. he just seems to hate the mind games of the yoos so much. like with jooin, i think his childhood trauma has burnt his primary to the ground and his secondary has taken the wheel. he's very hufflepuff at a first glance—reliable class president, always taking care of chunyoung and everyone, making sure to keep good relations with the other classrooms etc etc etc. it feels like the hufflepuff that is toiling at relationships knowing their eventual payoff. i know he's the rank 0 fighter (and i'm very curious about that) but i have no idea what that says about him beyond his incessant need not to draw unduly attention towards himself. dunno. i still love him.

#oh how i hate the ravenclawness of that first paragraph but what can you do #the lion reads #i guess #inso post

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faunusrights · 5 years ago

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OFFAL HUNT REMASTERED LIVEBLOG // CHAPTER 18

IN THIS EPISODE OF ROBLOX OOF NOISE:

“Yes.” Glynda couldn’t hang up, not without: “I’m—I’m sorry. About what I—”

“It’s alright. I’ll talk to you soon.”

“Okay—” The feed cut. Softly, Glynda said again, “Okay.”

GLYNDA DISCOVERS WHY BEING CINDER FALL SUCKS

do u know how hard it is to wake up and play animal crossing whilst knowing this chapter looms over yr shoulder,

OKAY HERE WE GO

She was fidgety; even Cinder mentioned her pacing, shooting a critical eye her way. Glynda sat, intent on stillness; moments later, Cinder mentioned her bouncing leg.

i LOVE it when a chapter calls me out just right out of the gate hahaha who gave u the right

"Really?" How long had they been doing that? How long ago had Cinder noticed? "Should I stay?"

cinder: maybe i should tell glynda abt that /see glynda pacing a dent into the floor cinder: ooooooor i could. NOT give her an excuse to bully them for something to do,

On her way down the street, Glynda couldn't help but stare at the car, its tinted windows revealing nothing within. As she passed it, she kept glancing over her shoulder, expecting an attack or something. But nothing came of it.

HJGDFSGSDFHKGHJDF GLYNDA,,,,,,,,,,, can u imagine being in the white fang, and sittin in yr fuckin. TINTED WINDOWED like BULLETPROOF CAR and yr sat on yr ass watching out for cinder “dumbass” fall and suddenly glynda goodwitch, The Top Bitch, comes out and starts GLARING YR CAR DOWN,,, like ah. i think she knows we’re here. hrm. hm.

i would just like. drive to mcdonalds and get some nuggies at that point.

She had a clutch of flash-images and a wash of emotions and impressions, the raw materials of memory, stored as-is without refining. She was quite used to that—most of her missions were hazy and rough in her memory, mere sketches of events.

i cant wait for glynda to become a vlogger if only so she can actually have physical proof of whatever the fuck happens whenever she goes out and about. get her a go-pro.

It told her: despite her restlessness, despite the arduous journey here, and despite the way Vale seemed to call for her from somewhere beyond the horizon, she felt quite content to be where she was.

the difference having a gf has huh,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, u got a whole ass home (being cased by the fang) a real nice city to live in (its floating and atlas wants yr number) a bunch of unread msgs (from a [redacted] who [redacted]) and its a nice day!!! its all coming together. but probably not for very long,

(i got very distracted at this point making a line graph for the animal crossing stalk market so here we go, x2 edition,)

That meant the nightlife would soon begin. She had never liked crowds; too many people, too much input at once. It was hard to focus, to be comfortable.

/chefs kiss

autistic glynda did u kno: id die for u,

Since she’d blocked Ozpin’s number, there was no chance of receiving anything directly from him—but there was still a moment of pause each time she checked her Scroll, as if expecting his smiling face to appear somehow.

OH YEAH LMAO SHE DID THAT SHIT HUH,,,,,,,,,, i still cannot BELIEVE that happened. GOD. cant wait for this to bite her entire ass right off her body,

By the time she reached the top landing, Winter had replied: “I wasn’t aware that you had additional support on this mission, Professor. I will need their full name and Hunter’s license number.”

To answer Cinder Fall and she doesn’t have a license, but she does have several warrants for her arrest felt like inviting Winter to question not only her integrity, but her sanity as well.

SDHGJFKSKGHDJFGJHDKF i cant say what makes this funnier because 👈😎👈 but HOHOHOHOOOOO could u imagine the fallout if she did just, say that shit. if we just went and fuckin said it like it was no biggie--

Finally, Glynda let her shoulders relax, exhaling deeply, like she would before rushing a Grimm. She wrote it plainly: “The clearance is for Cinder Fall.”

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

MA’AM WHAT THE F U C K

winter rn:

She’d just have to wriggle her way out of having to talk face-to-face, then return the game to a field she felt slightly more comfortable with: text.

okay this is so funny to me cause i just keep thinking of her sending ‘no reason’ to oz. a MASTER of textual conversion. un fucking PARALLELED in this field, UNRIVALLED,

Glynda tossed a look at the door as well, her mouth pulling into a line; what if Cinder came outside? What if—

Could Winter track her exact position using her Scroll signal? She minimized the projection of Winter’s face and hurried off in a random direction the instant she hit the bottom of the stairs.

i LOVE these two because this is the first time we’ve rly seen glynda like. Actively do smthng to defend cinder in this sort of way? she’s been pretty passivve abt letting cinder take the lead when theyre together but on her own shes thinking of all the contingencies to make sure winter cant find cinder and u know what. thats gay. what will u do for yr not-gf when yr talking to someone who would kick her ass in a hot second,

also im TAKING to grab choice lines here to comment upon but honestly this next section is SO GOOD that im rly struggling to find a line to encapsulate how much i am LOVING this convo. i cant say exactly WHY im loving it because again thats 👈😎👈 BUT KNOW THAT THIS IS VERY GOOD FOOD AND I AM ENJOYING IT. and im also enjoying this line a lot

Winter’s voice was decisive: “Professor, if you hang up on me, I am flying to your location—tonight.”

winter: if y’all dont shut the fuck up back there i am turning this car, city, and continent AROUND,

It was the same thing, over and over: people didn’t understand her and she didn’t understand them. It was an exercise in futility that only gave her grief. In the end, she gave up on trying to explain herself. She resigned to being wrong, to always being wrong, even when she knew she wasn’t.

OOF OKAY WHAT THE HELL IS UP W/ THIS FIC AND CALLOUTS. HUH??? ME BITCH!!! I FEEL THAT!! AND IT SUCKS,

/reads the next bit

oh are we donning our tinfoil hats? we’re donning our tinfoil hats.

It was so easy. Glynda didn’t stumble over her words even once; didn’t waver. She was built for doing harm. Her anger burned hot and clean; it excised all the hurt like a malignant tumor.

Maybe she really had learned something from Cinder—channeling her frustration, her guilt, her pain, all of it into anger like this was something Glynda was new to. But it felt good. She leaned into it, letting it take the reins; the distressing memories vanished like wisps of smoke, vaporized by the heat of her wrath.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS god this is. SO EXCITING. i also love it when ppl rub off one one another its my FAV thing in the WORLD and this anger is. WOO. this anger is. DANDY. its also a very short-term burst of pleasure glynda so enjoy that hollowed-out whoopsie feeling that i sure get when i Blow Up,

“She butchered my friend!” Winter snarled, the camera shaking as she slapped the desk. “She butchered my friend in the streets like he was cattle! And I have done everything in my power to help you! Everything! To keep her from doing the same to you, and you’ve blown me off or lied or—” Winter’s voice snagged. “And now you tell me—you accuse me—”

It was early evening in Umbraroot, but it must already be night in Atlas. The shadows revealed the unclean angles of Winter’s face: the bruises of exhaustion under her eyes, the lines of stress at the corners of her mouth.

im sorry im just copy-pasting wholesale at this point but OH this is GOOD. i cant rly explain. like. the difference-- because you’d think from the og version this is just a bit more flavouring right? its like getting a bit of hot sauce on yr chicken wings and yr like ‘okay it adds smthng but its not like a side meal’ BUT IT IS A SIDE MEAL this is like a whole basket of fuckin. cheese-baked fries. winter DESERVES this screentime she DESERVES to have presence in this fic and OH does she USE IT im LIVINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

Glynda wanted anger. She wanted fire and brimstone. She wanted a fight.

What she got was the glisten of tears on pale lashes. A hand covering Winter’s trembling mouth.

The ashy taste of remorse in her throat.

THERES THAT HOLLOWED-OUT WHOOPSIE FEELING!!!!!!!!!!!!! THERE IT IS RIGHT ON TIME. its like CLOCKWORK,

She didn’t have anything. Nothing against that. The possibility that Winter might truly care what happened to her had been so insignificantly small and easy to trample. She had forgotten about the losses Winter shouldered the moment Cinder had whispered inheritance.

it’s just like clockwork,

also this chapter feels lengthy but maybe its just cause i got distracted with animal crossing so ill have to do a wordcount check at the end

/checks

no its lengthy this is a thicc one,

“I know,” Glynda said. “I know. I know how this sounds. But she’s the only person who makes me feel like—like I make sense.” In her mind, Glynda lay in the darkness of Cinder’s bedroom, watching the glaze of streetlights along her lips as she said you.

you,,,,,,,,, we,,,,,,,,,,,, our,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, its all that gay shit,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

“If I’ve learned anything, it’s that Cinder Fall is a tremendous liar. She could convince you it is raining in Vacuo, given enough time. Two years ago, I was working on the Argus base, where I met her as a client; she told me she was a merchant seeking entrance into Atlas—she had all her documents in order, her entire persona set up, and she sold it perfectly. She was flawless—and all of it was fake. She gave me no reason to doubt her. She was—”

Winter cut herself off, abruptly. Then: “Once I was comfortable and safe, she burned down my office and murdered my friend.”

YES,,, SLOWLY THE LORE PIECES TOGETHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! winter is once bitten twice shy, but mayhaps we mean,,, once burnt,,,, twice shy,,,,,,,,,, hrmmmm,

Glynda told Winter everything.

OH MAN,,,, we’re really getting this messy fucking trio up in this bitch i am SO excited. i am THRILLED. here! we! go!!!!!!!!!! also i said it before but again im so glad winter gets to Be Here for this. sure this has nothing to do w/ her destiny or w/e but shes here now. shes in the uber. she waiting outside.

The dying potted plant Glynda had spotted last time on the back wall’s shelf had been replaced with a new one; this one’s leaves were beginning to shrivel at the ends.

dsfjhhkljsdf side note: is this like that scene in finding nemo where all the new fish see the niece and go ‘oh no we’re gonna die’ but instead its plants getting taken into winters office? they go ‘im sorry, mate, but once you go into her office, you come out TOTALLY dead,’

okay so this whole convo happened and if i try to pick one section ill end up picking it all AAAAAAAAAAAAAA im dying out here. WINTER BLEASE,,, BELIEVE THAT SOMETIMES CINDER CAN TELL A HALF-LIE. A SORTA-TRUTH. A SEMI-HEMI-DEMI HONESTY,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

How different would that mission have gone? How different would her life have been?

She found herself saying, “He had so many chances to tell me. Instead, he let me think I was reckless. That I was a danger to other people. I stopped working in teams. I didn’t have many people in my life to begin with, but afterwards was worse. He saw to it that he was all I had, and he let me think it was my fault.”

ROBLOXOOFNOISEDISTORTEDWITHDELAY.MP4

OOF!!!!!!! O O F!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! honestly OOF that shit HURTS BITCH!!!!!!! thats BANANAS. WILD. im also loving (hating???) the increase of painful glynda lore and honestly everyone feels like they have So Much More that builds them up and im THRIVING off it. im also suffering for it.

With the video feed closed, Glynda could see she had new notifications. Missed calls. From Cinder.

Glynda’s stomach lurched. She stowed her Scroll before she could think about them.

At the mouth of the alley, she could see the shape of Cinder’s apartment in the distance. She stood there for a long time, staring, uncertain what to do with her hands, unsure what to do with her heart. Her jaw flexed. She remembered the tears on Winter’s lashes. The friend she’d lost.

Glynda took her first step toward the apartment.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA and so the soft domestic shit ends. but nowhere near as explosively as id thought???????? HUH. H U H. must b because we’re gearing up for smthng honk honk honk

ANYWAY!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. this chap was SO good its astonishing (despite the [several] times i got distracted by animal crossing rip me). WINTER!!!!!!!! BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!! i cant believe this disaster trio is coming together. also cant wait for glynda to tell cinder the shit she just pulled. oh no,

(also the wordcount was 5,931. just in case u were curious)

#liveblog #rwby #offal hunt #HERE IT IS #so much went unsaid because the convos were SO juicy so PLEASE read it #dfsghsdfjgh

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bloodpacks-archive · 6 years ago

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in love

Word Count: 2.6k oof

Summary: It’s the beginnings of their love story, with the little moments that matter.

Warnings: none this is 2.6k of FLUFF

Note: im BACK with another fic based off of a taylor swift song. This one is you are in love!! also i think this is like, some of my best writing if I’m honest, so I really hope you enjoy it!

It’s a Friday night that he hadn’t expected to turn out this well. She’s walking next to him, her coat pulled tight around her to keep out the crisp autumn air. Her hands are stuffed in her pockets, but she’s got this gorgeous smile on her face, and he tries to ignore the fact that he certainly looks the same. His cheeks hurt from how much he’s been laughing, and he doesn’t even mind the cold.

He’s been friends with her for what seems like forever, watching her give him polite, pretty smiles, and gracing him with gorgeous fits of laughter. In all reality, he hadn’t ever expected to go out with her, to have her say yes to him of all people. He should’ve known that once she did, it would’ve been just like this. Out in the freezing cold, but warm with laughter.

“Hey, there’s a coffee place over there, wanna go get something?” She asks, and he really likes the way her voice sounds. He wonders how she can make the most mundane of sentences seem like a proposition for an adventure. It’s been much too long since he’s had a first date go like this, and he feels helpless around her. He looks over to where she’s pointing, and sees a tiny shop, only lit up by the lights inside and the small neon “open” sign that’s sitting just outside. Tom nods, and she grabs his arm, pulling him over to the warmth of the coffee shop.

They step inside, gladly enveloped by the smell of coffee. She stands next to him, looking up at the menu, and there’s this little smile that still remains on her face. It’s just barely there, but it’s enough to give her this happy look that makes him want to wrap his arms around her.

“What do you want?” She looks over at him, and her eyes are bright.

“I’ll just get a cappuccino or something. Tell me your order and you can get us a place to sit?” He asks, and she gives him a roll of her eyes. His heart stops for a moment before he hears the laugh cross her lips.

“You’re just gonna try to pay for everything!” She says, and she’s joking, but that was his plan. “You paid for dinner, let me get these two coffees, okay?”

Tom’s hesitant, giving her a look before she raises her eyebrows at him and tilts her head at him. He laughs and shakes his head before heading over to the booths.

When she returns with her tea and his coffee, there’s an immediate sense of brightness that surrounds the two of them. He finds that he enjoys it much more than he may have originally anticipated.

When they leave, he’s much warmer than he was before, and the air seems only colder. But, she’s a bit closer than before. Their arms are brushing as they walk, and every time they do his heart skips a beat. He looks up, and the sky’s gone dark, and he can’t see the stars because of New York City’s own lights, but he doesn’t mind much. After all, he’s got the girl with the brightest smile he’s ever seen walking right next to him.

He walks her back to her apartment building, and they stand in front of each other as they stand before her door. Both of her hands are reaching up to play with one of the buttons on his coat, and he knows he has this look on his face that says everything that he’s thinking at that moment. He knows that it shows how much he wants to kiss her, even if she can’t read it.

She’s the one that finally pulls him in, giving him a quick kiss before turning back and opening her door. She waves at him, and then she disappears behind it. He still has the feeling of her lips on his.

—————

It’s only a few months later when he wakes up to the feeling of her head on his chest. Sunlight drips in through the blinds, painting her face in golden light. Her hair’s all tangled, and he’s sure that his is just as much of a mess, but he’s beyond glad to be here to see her like this. He reaches a hand up, pushing a piece of hair out of her face. She just barely leans into his touch, even in her sleep, and it makes his heart beat just a bit faster. Her eyes flutter open a bit, and then he’s met with her gorgeous eyes, the sunlight hitting them in the sweetest of ways, making her squint.

“Morning,” He says, his voice rough with sleep. She moves closer to him, burying her face in his neck and groaning.

“It’s too bright,” She replies. He laughs, and she finds a way to move even closer to him, her arms wrapping around him.

“You’re the one who was supposed to shut the blinds last night.” Tom’s now playing with her hair, curling strands around his fingers before letting them fall back into place.

“Shut up.” Her voice is muffled, tickling his neck. They fall back into silence, Tom still playing with her hair while her breath evens out again, curled into him as tightly as she could possibly be.

“We should get up and make breakfast, don’t you think?” Tom whispers, gently rubbing her shoulder to wake her up a bit more. She hums, loosening her grip on him to turn onto her back.

“The bed’s warm though,” She replies. Tom laughs again, turning so that he can press a kiss to the top of her head.

“I’ll make you tea if you get up.” Her eyes look over to him at that, and a smile finds its way onto his face. “Come on,” Tom says, sitting up. She gives him a look, so Tom grabs her hand and pulls her up with him.

It’s after they both brush their teeth that they find their way into the kitchen. She pops some bread into the toaster, and Tom starts on making them tea. He’s sorting through the tea bags when she comes up behind him, her arms wrapping around his waist and her chin resting delicately on his shoulder.

“What type of tea are you thinking?” She asks him, her voice soft and sweet. She presses her lips to his jaw for just a moment, and for a second, he forgets that he’s supposed to be looking at tea.

“English Breakfast, of course,” He answers. He turns around in her arms, placing his hands on her waist. She hums in agreement, and then she leans in to press a kiss to his lips, and he can’t help the smile that crosses his face. There’s a certain set of words that come to mind in that moment, and they catch him off guard for a second. He pushes them to the side, and instead turns back around take the now-whistling kettle off the stove.

That morning, she had accidentally burnt their toast. He had laughed about it, saying that he liked it that way anyway as she cut up an avocado. He tries not to think about how perfect everything is in their little sliver of bliss.

—————

He comes home that night to her sitting on his couch. Her laptop rests on her legs, the screen lighting up her face as she writes onto endless pages. A blanket is wrapped around her shoulders, and a newly made cup of tea sits on a coaster in front of her.

Her head turns at the sound of the door opening, her face lighting up a bit when she sees him home. He walks over to the couch, sitting down next to her and laying his head on her shoulder. His hand finds hers, and he brings it up to his lips, pressing a soft kiss to the back of her hand before he sets it back down.

“How’s writing going today?” He asks. She lets out a sigh, tapping her fingers against the keyboard without typing a word.

“Not well.”

“You know what might help?” Tom turns his head so he can look her in the eye, and from just a second’s glance he can tell that she’s barely able to keep her eyes open.

“I don’t want to go to bed without writing another paragraph,” She says.

“Then why don’t you take a quick break?”

“What if I fall asleep and then I don’t finish that-“

“I won’t let you fall asleep quite yet, how does that sound?” Tom’s got this look in his eyes, where he’s coming up with something and she’s entirely happy to follow his lead. So Tom stands up, setting her laptop on the coffee table, and he offers a hand to her. She laughs at him, shaking her head a bit.

“We don’t even have any music, Tom.”

“We don’t need any.”

She gets this smile on her face, the prettiest one he’s ever seen, and shrugs the blanket off of her shoulders as she grabs his hand. Tom pulls her up, and slowly, he starts to twirl her around.

They dance in a circle around their living room, moonlight seeping in through curtains to reflect on the necklace that hangs off of her neck, and that same moonlight gives her a heavenly glow, one that he hopes he can remember for forever. Their quiet laughter, the hum of the apartment, and the soft sounds of traffic outside act as their music, and although it’s choppy, they manage to find a rhythm to it.

He looks over her, and notices the shirt that hangs just a bit too big on her, and he laughs.

“What?” She asks, her eyebrows furrowing and her head tilting a bit to the side.

“Is that my shirt?” Tom gets this smile on his face, a bit crooked, and a bit teasing, and he tries to ignore the way that she turns her head downward just a bit at his question.

“Yeah, is that okay?”

“It’s more than okay.” Tom let’s the smile take over his face when she looks back up at him, a cute smile on her face and her eyes bright.

Those words pop into his head again, and he almost finds himself saying them. But then her eyes start to fall shut, her head leaning so it can rest on his shoulder, and he just takes in everything.

“Do you still wanna finish that paragraph?” He asks. She shakes her head, falling a bit more into him. He lets a soft laugh fall past his lips, and he leads her back into his room, which, if he’s honest, has turned a bit into their room.

They both sit down on the bed, her head leaning on his shoulder.

“I’m tired now,” She whispers.

“Really? I had absolutely no idea,” He teases. She lightly hits the side of his arm, and he laughs just a bit. In that moment, those words are all that he can think of. When she turns to get up to brush her teeth, all he can think of is saying them. Saying that she’s- she’s all he wants.

When they’re laying in bed, his arms wrapped around her and her head laying on his chest, he thinks about it again.

“You know you’re my best friend, right?” Tom asks. She hums, rubbing soft circles onto the palm of his hand.

“Don’t tell Harrison that,” She replies. Tom breathes out a laugh, shaking his head a bit. I love you, he thinks.

“He might kill me if he ever finds out.” She looks up at him after he says that, and she gets this look on her face, one that he can’t quite place. I love you.

“Wanna know what I was trying to write today?” She asks. Tom looks down at her, gets this look on his face, because of course he wants to know. He would listen to every bit of her stories for every moment of his day if he could.

“What?” She lays her head back on his chest, continues to trace those patterns onto his palm as she speaks.

“I was writing the part with the love story,” She starts. Tom plays with her fingers, interrupting her pattern, and she gives him a look. He smiles at her before allowing her to continue rubbing those little circles into his palm.

“What about the love story part?”

“Well, it was hard to write, I guess.” She looks up at him again, and then she looks to their hands. “Do you know what it feels like to be so in love with someone that everything they do is like the greatest thing you’ve ever seen?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’ve had something like that,” Tom replies. Only with you is what he thinks. She smiles at him, and she gets this look on her face again.

“I guess it’s a bit difficult to write something like that. To write about someone being so in love that it’s almost sickening. But these two characters, they’d do anything for each other. I mean, she’s in love with him, and him with her.” Tom thinks for a moment, and then he just hums a response. He knows what it’s like to be that character, thinking the I love you moment over and over in his head.

Suddenly, it’s that I love you moment that’s taking over him.

“Sorry, I’m rambling, aren’t I?” She says.

“It’s okay, I like the sound of your voice.” I love you.

“There’s no way that you find all of this interesting.”

“You know I kind of act out these kinds of characters for a living, right?” I love you.

“Oh shut up, you’re too fancy for me.”

“That’s absolutely impossible. You’re the fancy writer.” I’m in love with you.

“Not being published yet? Oh yeah, that’s real fancy.”

“I’ve read bits of your book. Trust me, it’ll get published.” I am so in love with you.

“I’ll let you read all of it when it’s done.”

“How gracious of you,” Tom teases her, laughing when she narrows her eyes at him. I cannot believe how much I love you.

A silence finally settles between them, and she’s moved her patterns to his chest. He can’t tell what she’s tracing, but it’s a shape of some kind, over and over again. Everything within him is screaming to tell her. He feels like it’ll spill at any moment and he’s not even sure when else would be a better time.

“Wanna know something?” He asks. You’re the most amazing person I’ve ever met, and I love you.

“Of course I do,” She replies, still tracing that shape onto his chest. I am so fucking in love with you.

“I’m in love with you.” His heart stutters the moment he says it, and she looks up at him, her chin now propped on his chest to get a better look at his face. It takes her a moment, but then her face lights up in a big, bright smile.

“Wanna know something about me?” She asks. Tom can’t help the laugh that passes his lips.

“Of course I do.” I’m beyond in love with you.

“I’m in love with you too,” She whispers, and then she leans up, pressing her lips to his. The smile that takes over Tom’s face is one that she won’t ever forget.

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more-than-a-princess · 2 years ago

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@ahogedetective asked: 🖋️ : Do you find dialogue harder than prose or vice versa? How much? Are they about the same? (and!) 💫 : Have you noticed any large stylistic changes between your writing from when you first started vs how you write now?

Roleplayer Ask meme - Still Accepting!

🖋️ : Do you find dialogue harder than prose or vice versa? How much? Are they about the same?

For Sonia specifically, dialogue is just about the same as prose for me. Where the difficulty comes in is usually the thread and/or the mun I’m writing with: if our writing styles click and we’re able to easily converse OOC, then I usually have no trouble writing, or at least knowing where a thread is going to go. I can get tired sometimes getting it onto the page, especially if it’s a longer reply with NPCs, but it’s not necessarily harder, just strenuous.

Where it gets harder is when I’m writing with someone I don’t have as much writing chemistry with, or it’s hard to get a read on their muse, or I’m not sure what they want out of a thread/interaction, or the reply I’ve gotten back doesn’t move the thread forward at all and I’m having to come up with new ways to move the plot/interaction along. Then both dialogue and prose are difficult (and I yell at my computer, distract myself from writing, etc).

tl;dr - It’s less about the type of writing and more about the mun’s writing style, muse, and specific thread/interaction.

💫 : Have you noticed any large stylistic changes between your writing from when you first started vs how you write now?

Oh goodness, absolutely. When I first started, everything was in chat boxes or IMs. Actions were written in :: :: or * *. And none of it was in a para style: everything was one-liners or very short single paragraphs, for the most part.

RP, in the places where I was roleplaying, was a relatively new thing. Not to say it hadn’t been going on in message boards, chats, ICQ, email, etc. before, but I got in on RP from the ground up on most places I was writing it, save for tumblr. I took a massive break during my university years (and glad I did! I’d gotten so burnt out by the end of high school), that by the time I graduated, I’d missed the Facebook/Myspace era of RP entirely. I also missed the beginnings of tumblr as I was more involved in trying to build my career and get into my local cosplay community. Tumblr has been the only instance where I came to RP a bit later, but I also came to the RPC a lot older than plenty of other muns I’ve written with and seen on dash, too.

Now, I aim for longer paragraphs. I like a literary style, I like multi-layered plots and muses and the various twists and turns that can happen in a thread or series of interactions with a character. To that end, at least with this specific muse, I’m far less interested in anything that unfolded in-game and most Hope’s Peak Academy-based stories (barring crossovers and OC muses, which can shake up the world quite a bit): I like exploring Sonia’s world beyond that. What happens after the canon leaves off, what happens in a Non-Despair verse after graduation, historical-based threads, etc. Anything and everything that broadens the Danganronpa world beyond what the games give us or suggest exists.

Not that those plots are bad at all. When I was younger and first starting to RP, I liked to keep to more canon settings and plots with my canon muses (and OCs for canon verses). I was excited by that and more comfortable writing that. But at this point in my writing, I like to push way beyond what canon gives us. I have with pretty much any muse I’ve written in the past 5-8 years or so.

#more-than-a-princess answered #more-than-a-princess musings #(Roleplayer Ask meme)#ahogedetective #(Thank you for the asks!)

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bartsugsy · 7 years ago

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do you think aaron and/or robert have fallen out of love to some extent throughout all of this? (this year)

i’ve never been more horrified or disgusted bt the implication of anything i’ve ever read jesus fucking christ

even suggesting they fell out of love is

i cant even put words to it but i am disgusted.

no they clearly still love each other an incredible amount - i mean, aaron was at one of his lowest points and realised he needed to remove himself from the situation robert had to put them in but he tried so fucking hard to stick it out because he didnt want to be apart from robert

and then when he finally did decide to get out of that situation, after going beyond breaking point, he tried so hard to push robert away, to keep him away because when he wasnt actively doing that he was agREEING TO GO ON HOLIDAY WITH THE MAN AND GOING ON DATES WITH HIM

AARON NOW, WHEN ROB APPEARS AT HIS DOOR, ALWAYS LOOKS SO HAPPY TO SEE HIM AND SO KEEN TO HAVE HIM STICK AROUND

AARON ONLY KISSED ALEX BECAUSE HE LITERALLY COULDNT SAY HE WASNT IN LOVE WITH ROBERT

AARON CARES SO MUCH ABOUT ROBERT’S HAPPINESS AND GENUINELY THINKS ROB IS A GOOD PERSON INSIDE - ROBERT!!! NO ONE HAS EVER THOUGHT ROBERT WAS A GOOD PERSON BEFORE - AND WANTS HIM TO BE HIS BEST SELF AND WANTS TO SPEND ALL HIS TIME WITH HIM AND LIKE

HE KNOWS LOGICALLY HE CANT BE WITH ROBERT BECAUSE LOOK HOW IT ENDED - AND NOW HE’S TRYING TO DO THE SENSIBLE THING AND FOLLOW HIS HEAD

BUT FUCK ME IS HIS HEART STILL WITH ROBERT

AND ROBERT IS A FUCKING LUNATIC ABOUT AARON - HE WENT THROUGH THE FIVE STAGES OF FUCKING GRIEF WHEN AARON BROKE UP WITH HIM (the anger one lasted a while)

AND NOW HE HAS SORT OF APPROACHED ACCEPTANCE. KIND OF. ISH. BUT HE STILL…. LIKE AARON IS THE ONLY PERSON ROB LISTENS TO, ROB KEEPS MANUFACTURING FLIPPING REASONS TO GO HANG OUT WITH AARON BECAUSE HE ALSO WANTS TO SPEND ALL HIS FREE TIME WITH AARON, CHANGED HIS WHOLE LIFE FOR AARON WILLINGLY BECAUSE AARON IS SOMEONE WHO MADE HIM FEEL LIKE THERE WAS MORE TO LIFE THAN THS STUPID SHIT HE’D BEEN CHASING FOR YEARS

HE BURNT 100 GRAND FOR AARON i originally wrote 10k and kate had to call me out again i’m sorry for erasing robert sugden’s true insanity IM

THEY’RE BEST FRIENDS AND THEY KNOW EACH OTHER *SO WELL* AND THEY’VE BEEN THROUGH THE DARKEST FUCKIN EXPERIENCES OF THEIR LIFE WITH ONE ANOTHER (AND OFTEN BECAUSE OF ONE ANOTHER) BUT THEY JUST

YOU KNOW THAT REALLY, ALL THEY WANT IS TO BE WITH EACH OTHER, TO GROW OLD TOGETHER AND BE A FAMILY

AND THAT NO ONE ELSE COMES CLOSE

IM V HUNGOVER BUT HOW DARE U QUITE FRANKLY IM GONNA BE INSULTED ABT THIS FOR THE REST OF THE DAY THEY’RE

SO IN LOVE

god they’re so in love with each other

they’ve been so terrible to one another in the past, dragged each other through hell and back, had situations arise around them that have truly put them through the wars

but they’ve never not been horrifyingly in love - love was the one thing that was never the problem

(it was everything else 😜)

#answering anons #robron #this horrifying question jfc

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the7thshepard · 5 years ago

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Life update and some introspection. It is long, and it is super personal. You’ve been warned.

(Sorry to my mobile user followers, you might get lambasted with a long post anyway)

If you’re curious enough to snoop through here, sweet. It means that amidst all of my followers who like and reblog the stuff I like and reblog, you probably give a damn? Or you’re just nosy. Either way, thanks for coming. You’ll need to pull up a chair, I’d imagine. It’s gonna get long.

As of right now, I’m spending Thanksgiving day alone. I’m writing this from the dining table of my apartment in California as it rains outside. I’ve received several invites to do things with friends, but so far have accepted none of them. Part of me knows that I will be sad today because of that, but the other part of me just doesn’t have the energy or wherewithal to deal with other people today. Yet, I’m leaving myself open for any opportunity, should it present itself.

This decade has been kind of a wild ride for me. I’ve spent almost all of it in school. I began high school, graduated high school, started college, switched majors around twice, fell in love, came out, got my heart broken, graduated college, worked for seven months, then started graduate school in August. How did a Kansas boy like me end up all the way in California? It’s actually quite the story.

I had decided my second senior year of my undergrad, way back in Spring 2018, that I was just going to finish with a performance degree and just go home and work for the rest of my life. Whatever job I could find, as long as I could keep it and it could bring me stable income, I was going to go home and give up playing the horn. I been so burnt out on school and everything that had happened around me over the course of my undergrad that I had decided it just wasn’t worth it to continue pursuing. I had wrestled with this idea for the longest time and eventually settled on everyone thinking I’m a coward for getting a degree and just disappearing off of the face of the earth. It was the easiest solution.

But something quite unusual and rather miraculous happened.

October 2018, my undergrad horn teacher, one other horn player from my studio, and I all went to Wichita for the MidSouth Horn Workshop. This was nothing terribly huge - I had been to two before - but what became of it was. I ran into my current horn professor, though, at the time he was not teaching me, nor did I have any inclination that he taught private lessons. My undergrad horn prof. and I ran into him earlier in the spring during the same event in Conway, Arkansas (it was hard not to - he was one of the featured artists of the event). He and I spent about 30 minutes talking about horn playing in the exhibition hall, and I was beyond inspired at that point to continue getting better at horn (obviously something changed in the span of 6 months that changed that mentality, but I digress).

I didn’t think I would ever meet him again, if I’m being 100% honest. But we did. We had run into each other in the student union on the Wichita State University campus. He and my then-current horn teacher had struck up a conversation (I think it was something about what he was up to and if he’d like to play with ESU’s jazz band, since he was on his way through that area in the spring semester). Somehow, someway, the conversation got turned onto me.

“What do you think about grad school?” was the question.

Now, you have to understand, this shook me. My plan was to graduate, go home, and give up. I had no further intention of carrying on playing horn or doing music or any of it. Cowardice.

“Uhhhh,” I stammered. I didn’t honestly think I was cut out for grad school. Sure, I eventually wanted to get my doctorate in something, but that was kind of a pipe dream; something so exceptionally unachievable, that I was better off not thinking about it. “I hadn’t.”

Thus, initiated a 20 minute conversation about grad school and how my now-current horn professor wanted to hear me play and, better yet, attend his school. I’m pretty sure I spent the next like 3 hours waffling about it.

The other horn player that was with us (let’s call him B) slapped some sense into me.

“You should do it, it sounds like an incredible opportunity.” B had said something along the lines of this.

“My main concern is money, etc. etc.” I tried to make excuses back.

“Grad school would be perfect for you. All you really have to do is focus on your playing.” My horn professor told me.

“You didn’t come this far, just to come this far.” B said.

(Slight divergence in the story, my mom just called me as I’m typing this and now I’m having to fight back tears. She sounded so concerned that I’m spending Thanksgiving alone right now. Anyway.)

That struck me hard. I didn’t learn horn just to give up after graduating college. I didn’t play horn for close to 13 years only to run away when the opportunity presented itself. I didn’t quit at any point along the way, no matter how stressful or draining, and I shouldn’t quit now. My mind was made up.

I talked to my now-current horn teacher about how I was interested in studying with him, and about his program and what was offered, etc. He wanted to hear me play but was busy that weekend, so I would need to send him some recordings of my playing. I sent him my senior recital that I played later that semester. Over the course of the next 3 to 4 months, I would graduate from college and then spend the rest of my time working while I finished up the graduate studies application to my school. I was accepted into the program, and got some assistanceship money to help out.

The next 7 months were really nothing to note, as far as this journey is concerned. I worked part time at a gas station, played in a terrible non-paying gig, ended up dropping one of my best friends - a story for another time, but overall, I ended up taking a massive break from my horn. My dad thought that I wasn’t practicing enough and that grad school was gonna kick my ass, but so far, that hasn’t completely happened yet.

The day finally comes. I move to California with my dad’s help. As you can imagine, it’s a whirlwind of a day. Flying 5 hours out, getting my stuff moved in, buying groceries, etc. By the end of the day, its time to say goodbye. Dad can’t stay, because he’s got a flight in the morning for some stuff he’s got going on back home. He tried to fight back his tears, as I am almost about to cry myself. The door closed and now I’m bawling. wow that was a lot of mixed tenses, no im not fixing it, and no i do not take criticism, send tweet

At this point, I felt isolated. I’m in a new place where I know no one and I’m by myself. The first person I bump into is the other horn grad student. He stops by to say hi, I apologize for my terrible playing because I haven’t been playing consistently for the past seven months and oh god I’m rambling. It goes how you expect awkward first meetings to go. The next evening, I meet the two seniors in from the horn studio and a senior clarinet player. I never felt so blind sided by questions, and they were all really chatty. Me, being the awkward human being I am stood there, giving minimal answers, and being overwhelmed by questions about literally everything. Holy shit.

I end up bumping into my now-current horn professor on Monday (let’s call him Prof. A) in the bathroom of the music building, again really fucking awkward. Prof. A told me to go to his office while they finish up the faculty meeting downstairs, and that the other grad horn was in there organizing music. Round 2 is not nearly as awkward, thank god. Around 30 minutes later, Prof. A shows back up and treats us both to Chipotle and a lengthy talk about how we have to be the “heavyweight boxers” of the studio (there was an anecdote in there that makes it all make sense, trust me). Again, holy shit.

The rest of the week goes about how you would expect. It is the week before school after all. I spend most of my time practicing. My roommate shows up. I don’t really run into anyone else in the studio for a few days. Though at the end of the week, we have a horn hang, where most of the studio is in attendance. Super awkward at first, but then it opens up. Then, school kicks off, and its all good from there.

But why am I telling you all of this? Well, first of all, kudos for sitting through my life story up to this point. Second, I think this story is key to a lot of introspection that I need to do. And third, I just need to put this all out there, get it off my chest, you know?

Since coming out to California, I have been unimaginably blessed with perhaps the best family of people I could ever want. I have a great teacher who is helping me be better at doing what I love. I’m surrounded by great, fun loving musicians who want to see others succeed and it’s been such a positive experience being out here. I literally cannot imagine what my life would be like had I not seized this opportunity.

I’ll be the first to admit that grad school so far hasn’t totally met my expectations. I thought that I would immediately get better, that I would excel, have a bunch of friends, get better at playing horn, and maybe (selfishly) find a guy. It wasn’t immediate, and looking back, I don’t think it ever could have been. Because the path I’m on takes work and courage to keep going even when the results don’t seem obvious at all. Also, let’s be 100% real, there was no way in hell I was gonna find a guy within like 2-3 weeks of being here. That’s just not realistic lmfao

Since coming here, I’ve grappled with the feelings of inadequacy and sense of not belonging that come with the territory. Initially, I thought that I was never making progress and that I was never gonna be as good as the other grad horn. I wasn’t a good enough horn player. Why was I here? What made me think that I could make it out here? Thoughts like that. They’ve only intensified as the semester went along.

But my friends have proved me wrong.

The only thing that everyone could and would expect of me is to be myself. Whatever that means, whatever that sounds or looks like. I can’t be anyone else other than me, no matter how tempting it is to compare myself to others. I just gotta follow my own path. This was and still is a hard lesson for me to learn. I don’t think I will ever totally understand it, until I can realize that I am good enough as I am now. I am making progress to get better, but I have to be comfortable with where I’m at now for it to be worth it.

The thought of running away from all of this terrifies me, but it’s a real and almost ever present thought I have. I don’t want to lose the progress I’ve made. I don’t want to turn my back on my friends. I don’t want to give up crazy socks at concerts, ice cream afterwards, playing in horn choir, horn hangs, or just the general screwing around. My horn people are my family, and I won’t turn my back on them because I’m afraid of not being good enough. They have never had reason to think less of me, so I shouldn’t. Even when I do, I’m thankful that they’re there to help me out of my emotional ruts. As long as I am here surrounded by these fantastic people, I will always be good enough and I will always belong.

I didn’t come this far just to get this far. And I will take it all the way. No matter what it takes, because the people closest to me have given me the courage to make it happen.

So, even though I may end up spending my Thanksgiving alone, I’m not alone. I never have been nor will I ever be. My friends, my family, everyone who’s cheering me on from the sidelines, watching and waiting for me to succeed, they’re all with me, no matter how far away they might be. This is what I’m thankful for.

#personal #life update #this post is really long im so sorry

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annabethwisegirl-chase · 7 years ago

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250 Headcanons (Part 4)

I bet you thought you’d seen the last of these. Headcanons #151-200. These cover from Annabeth’s time in college, to her death, as well as a little extra. You’ll see what I mean if you make it to the end of this.

151. One of the general education requirements at the university in New Rome has to deal with an Ancient Roman history course, and how they’ve evolved over time, how things have changed and stayed the same, and how the past repeats itself, etc. Being the good Greek demigod that she is, Annabeth spends most of the class creating edited versions of notes that contradict half of what the professor’s saying. The myths that were so obviously stolen from the Greek tradition get the most heavy handed treatment, with Annabeth opting to continue telling it the way she knows. After all, it’s based on her culture, so it has to be more accurate than whatever the Romans turned it into. Since most of the tests in the class are short and long essay response questions, Annabeth ends up not doing too well in that course because of the fact she refuses to change her perspective on Rome and its history. Her final paper in the class has about half a page about Roman history/mythology, comparing it to its Greek counterparts, before she spends the rest of it detailing where the narrative is completely wrong, citing sources like “my mother, the goddess, Athena,” and “Chiron, trainer of heroes,” and “former Praetor Jason Grace, who met this guy and said he was a dick.” The last one, she found, was really hard to cite in APA format.

152. Although Annabeth does have friends in New Rome (Reyna, Frank, Hazel, and the occasional appearance by Jason), she never feels quite right there. She knows that most of the others living there don’t think twice about having her around, but there’s still an underlying prejudice with many of the younger demigods still at Camp Jupiter. It’s enough to make her want to move back to New York after one year. But, the credits at New Rome don’t really transfer to any other university, and Annabeth can’t stand the idea of feeling like she wasted her time there. So, she agrees to stick it out for the next three and reevaluate at the end of it where they want to live.

153. She spends those next three years drawing up plans for New Athens in her spare time and working with Chiron via IM on how to make it a reality. At first the centaur seemed hesitant, because camp was never intended to become a permanent home. But, with demigods living longer and Camp Jupiter having such a well working structure, Chiron knows he really has no choice but to give in. Through some “anonymous funding” provided by the Olympian gods, the camp is able to buy more land and expand its borders for the creation of a new town. The Athena Parthenos is moved to where the gates of the new city will be, and Annabeth almost hates that she’s not there to see its symbolic new placement. Almost.

154. At the college in New Rome, passwords have to be changed every 180 days. It’s a supid rule, and Annabeth has to get IT to reset her account for her once because she forgets and lets it expire. But, each year, she sets up her passwords based around a “theme” in the hopes they’ll be easier to remember. (Although so many people are amazed at the things Annabeth can remember, passwords just don’t seem to be among them). Her first year is pretty simple, just naming her friends and adding a number at the end of it. The next few years have themes including favorite Disney characters, famous architects, and superheroes.

155. Annabeth has never liked the taste of coffee. Ways to keep her going after pulling all-nighters usually include a lot of exercise and Dr. Pepper. She also has very specific stages that she goes through whenever she hasn’t slept that are, in order: drunk sounding Annabeth, giggly Annabeth, sarcastic/sassy Annabeth, flat out mean Annabeth, and finally dead girl walking Annabeth.

156. The first place she starts to design for New Athens is the home she wants to live in with Percy. It’s completed in bits in pieces, because she keeps trying to hide it from him, which is definitely a task that is easier said than done. He keeps trying to sneak up behind her or steal her blueprints away, just to see what is taking her away from him that he knows isn’t school work. Somehow though, she manages to keep it tucked safely away, in a tube with a pen mark down the side that she stashes with her old Olympus sketches.

157. She will drop anything and everything to have her head and/or neck rubbed.

158. Annabeth also is just a really good artist in general. Like, she’s great at proportions and angles from her years of trying to train as an architect. But, it transfers over into other subject matter as well. Her notebooks are filled with doodles in the corners that look way more detailed than something absentmindedly drawn during lectures.

159. Since her mom is also the goddess of crafts, Annabeth tries to take up knitting over a winter break, watching Youtube tutorial videos to try and get good at it. Although she can make a pretty wicked scarf, her hats kind of look deformed. But, that doesn’t stop her from making them for nearly everyone that she comes in contact with. It’s therapeutic, to be able to work with her hands and continue to create things instead of feeling like she’s only tearing them down. And making hats and scarves take so much less time than watching a building rise from the ground up. So it definitely provides the more immediate satisfaction while she’s waiting for her more major projects to come to fruition.

160. Annabeth cannot cook to save her life. She made it a point to learn how to make cupcakes, but that’s as far as her ability in the kitchen goes. Everything else ends up burnt or not completely done. Then, when Annabeth tries to cook it/bake it longer, then it just ends up burning.

161. Ham, pineapple and extra black olives is her pizza of choice. However, due to the fact she seems to be the only one on the side of pro-pineapple, and her boyfriend’s insistence that the pineapple taints the pizza entirely, she just settles for olives on her half of the pizza.

162. Literally always cold. It doesn’t matter that they spend the majority of the year in California, Annabeth always has some sort of jacket or sweater on her. She walks around her apartment with a blanket wrapped around her shoulders and sleeps with her socks on because she swears that it keeps her warmer.

163. Annabeth is that person who always dresses up for class. Well, not necessarily dresses up, but is careful to make sure she looks professional at all times. Literally the second she gets home though, it’s goodbye pants and hello oversized sweatshirt. If there are going to be any plans to go out to eat dinner, or hang out in the city, those have to be made between classes or immediately after she walks through the door. Because the second she changes out of her clothes, that’s it for the day.

164. The first year that Percy and Annabeth live together brings back a lot of the bickering from their younger days. And sometimes, that bickering can spiral out of control and have them in full on fights. The argument that crops up the most definitely has to do with household chores. Annabeth is used to having a certain level of cleanliness. It helps her to stay focused it there’s not a huge mess everywhere. Percy, on the other hand, does not seem to be quite as phased by it. Fed up, she decides to try and institute a chore wheel, but it ends up causing more problems and neither of them pay much attention to it. But, they never think to take it down off its place on the fridge. So, it stays there pretty much the entire time they live in that apartment.

165. She owns three calendars. One is a little planner that she keeps in her backpack, one is hanging up on the wall by her desk, and one is huge and actually sits on her desk. Although the same information is written in pretty much all three, the constant reminders and hope of seeing it makes it more likely that Annabeth will complete a task that’s set out for her. Everything is also color coded. School assignment due dates and tests are in red, family events are in blue, social events are in green, appointments are in purple, demigod related things are in orange, and anything else that might pop up is in pink.

166. Annabeth gets a job her second year of living in New Rome working at a cafe. She has to be up way too early for her liking, but she always has been an early riser so it’s not too hard to make the adjustment. Besides, it means that she’s done with her shift by the time her classes start, giving her ample time in the evenings to work through her homework as well as her plans for New Athens. She walks around all day smelling like coffee though, and it’s enough to make her never want to get near the stuff when she finally quits a few months before graduation.

167. Growing up at camp, Annabeth’s used to eating pretty healthy. However, that does not mean she can’t inhale junk food like the next person. Her favorite non-healthy snack has to be chocolate covered peanuts (specifically, Goobers, but she’s not super picky on that). On the flip side, she doesn’t really like peanut M&Ms. Despite the fact that people have tried to convince her they’re basically the same thing, she’ll have none of it. She claims that the candy coating gives the M&Ms a completely different flavor and basically refuses to eat them.

168. There’s only one movie that Annabeth has ever cried at: Dinsey’s Hercules. And, it didn’t even start until she was in her teens. Even in college and beyond, she spends the entire film pointing out things that the movie got wrong. But, the last ten minutes of it has her tearing up every single time.

169. Annabeth is a Slytherin. She also thinks that the people who combine houses (Slytherclaws, Gryffinpuffs, etc.) are just lying to themselves to make them feel better.

170. Annabeth and Percy end up adopting two dogs from a nearby animal shelter. They definitely went with the intention of only getting one, because their apartment was still small, and they were super busy all the time. But, they couldn’t decide between two and ultimately decided to just get both of them. Since there were two, each of them decided they got to rename one each. So Otis and Aramis Jackson were added to the clan.

171. Annabeth’s eyesight starts to get really poor during her sophomore year of college. She dealt with it being slightly fuzzy, too stubborn to get her eyes checked out, for more than a year before finally giving in. While she thanks the gods that she’s allowed to get contacts from the get go, her back up glasses have large, black frames and she feels sufficiently like a dork when she has to wear them.

172. They’re juniors in college the first time the question of marriage is seriously discussed. It’s Christmas break, and they're spending a weekend at her dad’s before Percy’s family flies in to celebrate the holiday. Her stepmom meant it as a joke when she asked when they were getting married, and everyone--including Percy--looks stunned with Annabeth answers: “the summer after we graduate, that Saturday in the weird week where July becomes August.” She says it without even looking up from the piece of chicken that’s she cutting, and is genuinely confused at everyone’s expression when she does look up.

173. That same night, after everyone goes to bed, Percy asks her if she was being serious about what she said at dinner. Annabeth responds in the affirmative, explaining how she felt like it went along with the whole idea that she wanted to be married young. And, she wants to change her last name before she makes her mark in the mortal architectural world so that when she becomes a sort of “brand,” she’ll be restricted from doing that. Since everything in their life happens in the summer, it only made sense that they’d get married then and she picked the weekend closest to the middle of their birthdays. He acts all offended for about half a second, claiming that he can’t believe she made all these plans without even asking her to marry him, but they’re both a little too giddy at the prospect of actually getting married for them to believe it’s actually genuine. Their laughter only grows when Annabeth gets down on one knee and asks him to marry her, slipping his college ring onto his ring finger to keep up the charade.

174. Technically, they get engaged twice. The first time, when Annabeth proposed with a college ring and it’s the time that she swears is the official start of their engagement. The second time takes another year to crop up, and they’ve already started planning their wedding when Percy slides the engagement ring onto her hand. It’s the second time that he swears is the official start of the engagement.

175. In high school, the running gag was that if Percy didn’t graduate, then he couldn’t come to New Rome with her. Of course, it was a ridiculous thing to say, because they both knew that no matter what happened, she would not be leaving him behind. In college, the running gag becomes that if he doesn’t graduate, then he won’t get to marry her. Of course, it proves to be just as ridiculous as their old gag, and not just because they’ve already put their deposit down on the venue.

176. She designed exactly four structures for New Athens before deciding it wasn’t worth trying to do it all on her own. She would go insane. So, Annabeth handed over her designs and basic outline of the town to the Athena campers living at camp. Those campers team up with the Hephaestus cabin to work on the city, careful to make sure each of Annabeth’s designs--including the house she made for herself and Percy--go into the final construction of the city. It’s not ready to move into when they graduate college, but it’s closer than anything Annabeth could have achieved on her own.

177. When they graduate from college, it’s a huge ordeal. They have their friends from both camps come out, Percy’s family flies in, Annabeth’s family (including Magnus and two of his friends) shows up, and most of them end up crashing in their tiny apartment. It’s cramped, and you can’t walk two steps without stepping on someone at night, but it’s great. They have a barbecue after the ceremony, and the entire day is spent laughing and reminiscing on the various instances that made everyone doubt either Percy or Annabeth would end up as college graduates. All through the day, Nico keeps shooting her strange glances, like he suspects something, but never voices a concern. The party lasts for an entire weekend, and when people finally start leaving, they all express excitement at reuniting again in New York in a few months for the wedding.

178. They decided to move back to New York after graduation. Although Annabeth liked being close to her family and the safety of New Rome, neither of them felt they were truly at home. So, two weeks after graduation, Percy and Annabeth pack as many of their belongings as they can into their car, and drop off the rest with Frederick, who promises to mail them soon. It’s a long trip that’s only supposed to take four days, but because they’re who they are and constantly need breaks, monster attacks, and a weird case of car sickness from Annabeth, it ends up taking them almost twice that long. Percy ends up having to drive most of it because Annabeth is exhausted or has a headache for most of the trip, and spends as much of it as she can sleeping.

179. Since they don’t have an apartment when they move back to the city, Percy and Annabeth move back into his old room at Sally’s until they find one they like. It’s still small and not in the best part of the city, but it’s theirs and her dad insists that he doesn’t mind helping them out a little. At least, it’ll do until Annabeth’s job becomes more than just an internship and Percy finishes up with the final three courses that he has to take in order for his teaching license to be compatible with New York’s teaching requirements.

180. She’s never been good at taking medication. It doesn’t matter if there’s people there to remind her to do it, or if she puts post it notes up everywhere to try and get herself to take it. It’s just one of those things that slips her mind. It was the case when her stepmom put her on medication for her ADHD, and now, it’s the case with her birth control. And it’s hard for her pills to work if she never takes them. Which might be why she finds out she’s pregnant a little over a month before her wedding day.

181. She absolutely does not want to invite any part of their godly family, and insists that they won’t even show up if they are invited. But, Piper convinces her that it’ll be a slight if they don’t get invited to it, so Annabeth eventually relents. Her invitation to Hera though has to be mailed a week later by Percy when Annabeth insists that it got “lost.” However, due to the fact that Hera is the goddess of marriage, he vetoes her in saying that it’s asking for trouble if they don’t have her come. Everyone is surprised when most of the gods RSVP with a yes.

182. I keep seeing people saying Percy and Annabeth’ll get married at Camp and I’m like... no. Okay here we go. They get married at Montauk, and there’s this place called like the Navy Beach House or something, and it’s super nice and expensive but Frederick insists on paying for it because he knows that this is what Annabeth wants. And he hasn’t really felt like he’s been able to really give her anything she wants before, so this is something that he goes all out for. Also keep in mind, mortals can’t enter camp, and there is no way that Percy and Annabeth would get married without Sally, Paul, and baby Blofis around. They want it to be a small thing, but of course, what Percy and Annabeth want and what usually happens end up being in complete contrast with each other. It’s another huge party, with people from both camps coming in, basically all the gods showing up in human-esque form, the hunters of Artemis showing up (but they kind of have to, since Thalia’s in the wedding), in addition to the mortal sides of both their families. The gods put up a protective border for the day, because that many demigods in one place would definitely draw monsters. And Aphrodite has been waiting for this day since Percy and Annabeth were eleven, so no one is messing it up unless they want to deal with her wrath. It’s great, but there’s so much preparation and planning and hugging relatives that it seems to go by in a blur. Annabeth is sufficiently disappointed when the only piece of wedding cake she gets is the piece that Percy smashed in her face.

183. She manages to keep the whole pregnancy thing a secret from everyone (except she’s like 85% sure Sally knows something’s up, and Nico definitely knows. Turns out he can sense new life just like he can sense people dying and that’s why he gave her the weird looks at the graduation). It’s during the reception that she just writes “I’m pregnant” on a napkin that she passes to Percy before walking off to go greet more guests. The look he gives her when she finally makes eye contact again is priceless.

184. She changes her last name to Jackson as soon as she can after they get back from the honeymoon. Piper gave her some grief about it, claiming that it was giving into the patriarchy or something, but Annabeth didn’t care. She finally was officially a part of a family that was going to be permanent and that was going to be there for her, no matter what. Changing her last name to symbolize her belonging to that family was 100% her choice and something she’d decided on doing not long after her and Percy started talking about getting married.

185. Annabeth wanted to get her master’s directly out of college and was even accepted into a program. However, she decided to delay it due to the fact she was the idea of working, going to school, and taking care of a newborn seemed next to impossible. Annabeth knows she’s incredible, but she’s not that incredible. It actually gets pushed back a lot farther than she meant to, because all of their kids kind of end up being born back to back to back. Eventually, she is able to go back to school when the youngest starts kindergarten, and gets her master’s degree, before going on to achieve her doctorate as well.

186. They have three kids: two boys and a girl. The first two were not planned. The only reason they did decide to have a third was because of the whole ‘rule of three.’ Despite the fact that Annabeth proved it was a stupid law on her first quest, something about it still seemed safe. So, they had one more. It becomes a tradition for the next two kids that whenever Annabeth finds out she’s pregnant, she just writes it on a napkin and slips it to Percy at the end of dinner, before taking one of the kids to another room in their apartment.

187. It’s after their second kid is born that New Athens is completed and they’re able to move back into the safety of camp borders, while still living as functioning adults. It’s kind of a difficult commute for Annabeth for work, but she doesn’t care. She likes living in a home she designed with her family. And knowing their safe is worth the trip she has to take every day to get to the firm she works at. When Annabeth got to take Percy around the house the first time after it was done, and explain the intricate details of it all and why she designed things certain ways, she was couldn’t stop bouncing on her feet as she walked. They totally make out like teenagers in their newly finished kitchen before remembering that their kids are being watched by a few of Apollo’s kids in camp that probably should be relieved of their babysitting duties as soon as possible.

188. Their youngest gets Percy’s water powers and he can’t properly control them until he’s about eight. However, that doesn’t mean that his emotions don’t set them off. Annabeth loses track of the number of times she gets doused in toilet water (to which Percy can’t help but laugh every time) and his siblings find themselves getting water from the faucet shooting straight at their faces every time there’s an argument.

189. There are family Halloween costumes pretty much every year until their oldest is ten. Some of Annabeth’s favorites include the Incredibles, Batman, the Scooby Doo gang, and the Addams Family.

190. Due to the fact that both Percy and Annabeth are ADHD and dyslexic, all three of their kids have ADHD. Only their daughter is not diagnosed with dyslexia and there are definitely tears of joy when Annabeth first hears her daughter read through a sentence without stumbling any more than any other child learning to read.

191. When each Jackson kid is six, they receive a plastic sword to begin learning to sword fight. Granted, it probably seemed overkill, but all three of them definitely do still have a potent smell. So, it’s necessary for them to learn how to fight. After proving that they are capable of handling a blade and not hurting themselves (or pulling it on their siblings for the fun of it), they are given a real weapon, made especially for them by Tyson.

192. Board games, card games, and puzzles aren’t actually a thing that can go on in the Jackson household because everyone is so competitive about it. Pieces go “missing” from puzzles because someone took it so they can put the last piece in. Cards get traded below table tops to help someone win a hand. Board games usually get tipped over “accidentally” when someone gets up to go to the kitchen for something to drink.

193. Annabeth falls asleep more at the kitchen table than she does in her own bed. She gets wrapped up in some new project and insists on it being perfect. So, even though she swears she’ll only be up for fifteen more minutes, there’s no telling what time Annabeth will actually pass out and Percy gave up trying to wake her up to come to bed about a year after they got married. It just seemed that when he would wake her up, she’d murmur something about being awake enough to keep going and that she still definitely had five more minutes of work time left in her.

194. She’s totally that mom who frightens teachers and coaches a like about her kids. Like, when they make a mistake getting onto her kid for something that wasn’t their fault, or they take them out of a play when they’re clearly the best player on the team, Annabeth loses it. She ends up banned from her daughter’s volleyball games for a year.

195. When they take their kids to Disney for the first time, Annabeth is just as excited as any of the Jackson spawn. She spends the entire time describing the inspiration for the facades of the buildings, as well as how the forced perspective is working. She spends weeks planning their days down to the minute, factoring other potential plans for extra wait times, shorter wait times, etc. but ends up ditching all of it as soon as she rides Dumbo for the first time. No one really understands why, but that is her ride. They have to ride it first the two days they go to the Magic Kingdom during that trip.

196. It’s not uncommon for either Percy or Annabeth to be asked to go out and escort a halfblood to camp. Typically, they go as a team on the weekend, after dropping their kids off with Sally and Paul or letting them stay in their cabins at camp. However, after getting a call from Chiron about a halfblood near by, Annabeth opted to take on the mission by herself. After all, she’d be heading back close to camp’s borders at the end of the day anyway. It only made sense to find the demigod and take them back with her. But it wasn’t one demigod that she found. There were three. All kids under the age of twelve, and all looking absolutely terrified and banged up from a long journey. There’s a rushed warning about something following them, and Annabeth decides then and there that it’s probably better to take them back to camp now instead of convincing them to hang out at work with her for the rest of the day first. True to their word, there’s a cyclops on the trail of the three half bloods, who is ruthless in its attempts to hunt them down. It destroys Annabeth’s car, and they’re but a few hundred feet from the protective borders of camp when she tells them to run and she’ll hold it off. And it’s almost poetic, in a way. When she’s turned to call directions to them, the cyclops knocks her to the side with a blow she didn’t see coming. It sends her knife flying out of her hands, but she knows that she has to stall it in order for the kids to get to safety. And they do. They make it. But Annabeth doesn’t. She’s a month away from turning forty one when she dies.

197. There’s a weird murmuring when Annabeth goes into the Underworld, and a few of the guard spirits seem to click excitedly when she arrives. Despite her better judgement, she decides to go in front of the judges, to see if there is any sort of reward waiting for her on the other side. Maybe she’ll get Elysium, or maybe--if she pleads her case hard enough--she’ll be able to wait for a few dozen years before Percy shows up so they can make the decision together. After all, it was never a conversation that had popped up before. Whenever they got close to the topic, they’d quickly find something else to talk about. It definitely took her by surprise when she made her way in and found that she’d been granted not Elysium, but the Isles of the Blessed. Her third life had been completed. It’s then that she’s granted the memories of the first two lives as well before being ushered on. In each of them, there are two common elements. The first, there’s always a demigod present. Somehow, the Greek gods continue to plague her life in each of her three incarnations. The other, the boy she falls in love with is always the same. Different names (except for his first and last lives, a fact she finds amusing), different parentage, slightly different personalities but the same goofy grin and same quick wit.

198. Her first life found her as a princess in Ancient Greece, with parents who claimed she was more beautiful than Aphrodite. The claim was considered blasphemy, and she was chained to a rock to be eaten for her parents’ words. It seemed unfair, but she was too prideful even then to try and beg for her life from the gods. So, she kept silent and faced her fate. But her fate never came. Instead, there was a boy--a demigod--who carried Medusa’s head that turned the monster to stone. They married and lived happily ever after. Seriously, depending on what version of the myth you read, Perseus and Andromeda are described to look exactly like Percy and Annabeth so fight me on this.

199. Her second life had her as another Greek demigod, born in England. This time, she was a daughter of Apollo. Her mother had died when she was young, leaving the girl to become a charge to an aspiring artist during the early years of the English Renaissance. He taught her how to paint and how to play the lyre, which she found that she was rather good at. A soldier heard her playing, and quick banter made the girl find this soldier interesting. Due to who her father was, she was talented with a bow and arrow, so she cut off her hair, ran away from her home, disguised herself as a man, and joined the army. It was foolish, of course, and she died not long after by throwing herself in the way of a sword that was meant for the soldier she cared for.

200. One of the privileges of being in the Isles is that she can travel through the Underworld, but it comes with stipulations. It can never be for too long, she can’t look for people she used to know who chose to stay in the Fields of Asphodel, she can’t speak to demigods that come down for a quest, and the Fields of Punishment are completely off limits. She uses this slight freedom to visit Daedalus when he’s working, often offering up tips for the redesigns he’s doing and to play catch with Cerberus. As much as she enjoys the relaxing after three taxing lives, it does get a little lonely, even in a perpetual paradise. There are definitely some happy tears shed when she finally reunites with who she can only call her soulmate.

#likes #annabeth chase #i onLY HAVE 50 LEFT #THE NEXT SET WILL JUST BE LIKE LITTLE FACTS KIND OF #I'M ALREADY BRAINSTORMING SOME #ONE DEALS WITH PEANUT BUTTER AND ONE DEALS WITH BANDAIDS AND ONE DEALS WITH HER YANKEES HAT #also it'll probably have some rp things to pop up in the next one as well #OKAY I'M EXCITED THE END

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therecoveringcatho-holic · 5 years ago

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mannn.. life is just getting so much better!!! i just have to share where i'm at y'all bc ive been pretty excited about who i'm becoming bc i'm actively working on my spirit and who i am thru Christ.

first off - i'm fortunate for past, current and future *pain* bc it's brought me many blessings and will continue to bring me more.. just watch. it's just all about perspective and mines slowly but surely turning around! 💕 pain is a blessing bc without it we wouldn't know joy & we wouldn't be able to help others with similar problems!! i def struggle with my own share of health issues, a lot more at 31 than i ever wanted to have but i gotta be realistic about it: i treated my mind, body and spirit like a trash can off and on for the better part of a decade, i have trauma that i wouldn't dive into - like for real, for real - until 2 years ago or so bc i kept wanting to mask it. all that did was make it fester and then i projected it on others so what should i expect you know?? i used to complain constantly that 'life is not fair' and until very recently, i couldn't turn that around in my head and look at it positively .. like I AM ACTUALLY GLAD it's not bc if it was fair then i should have died yearssss ago.. one way or another esp if you look at it from a scientific standpoint. i may not know what my purpose is in life y'all but it's not my job to figure that out, it's my job to trust The Lord and His plan for me even if it doesn't always make sense to me. He is a God beyond my understanding and letting Him run the show makes life a lot better. we're not meant to have it easy but we weren't designed to make it so hard on ourselves or others either. He provides us the tools, it's just a matter of if we choose to use them or not. we all struggle so let's help each other out but the right thing is usually not the easy one so be proud of yourself when you make good decisions, no matter how small. the small things become big things; choices become habits -- that can be good or bad so make it a good thing 😘

one main problem i've always struggled with is consistency, esp when it comes to obeying The Lord. i am finally aware that my behavior does NOT affect Gods love for me bc He's an unconditional, loving God but my behavior dictates how much easier or harder life becomes for me.. and it's a daily thing y'all but it is for a lot of people, not just me. i just know that when i impulsively react to somebody or something, my

m o u t h is the first to go 😬😏SOOOO now im pretty good at waiting it out and if i think the same thing 2 mins later or so, you bet i'm gonna say it bc i'm blunt like that and i don't care to sugarcoat my thoughts BUT i also don't have to be hateful/disrespectful about it.. so that's been a turn around, for sure! 🙏 most people have a filter and i seem to lack one so i'm trying to develop one.. haha, it's funny but it's not at the same time.. actually it's been quite debilitating, really. my impulsivity and my mouth have burnt a lot of bridges in my life. not everybody or everything deserves a reaction and i don't need to waste my energy on things that arent my business -- and huge surprise here guys -- there is a LOT of stuff that is not my business so i take my nose out of it now 😜. i thrived off the drama and chaos for so long bc i didn't wanna look inward at myself and work on what was actually wrong -- which was me and my spirit. i am blessed for awareness and personal perspective.. it is everything.

ive been going back to AA and someone mentioned that theyve been praying for people that they have issues with, don't like or whatever the case may be and it's been helping them change their reaction/perspective towards that individual. at the end of the day, people are gonna do what they're gonna do but the way i choose to respond to it says everything about me, not them. that's why i love "The Four Agreements" book so much -- seriously life changing bc it's helped me realized that like i had so much displaced anger for so long and made it about everybody else and "what they did to me" , how "i'm not like everybody else", "why do they have a career / family / house and i don't?" WHATEVERRRR blah blah blah 😑 when at the end of the day, it had nothing to do with them. i was unhappy with myself, pissed that i got "cursed" with alcoholism and depression, sleep issues, etc. so instead of looking at it my difficulties as strengths and blessings, i had my own definition of what successful, happy people looked like or what they had and i was straight up mad and jealous of y'all. like how dare y'all have it so easy, right?! 🙄 omg hahaha how delusional is that!!! NOBODY has it easy!!! we all have something man and just because others may not see it doesn't mean it's not there!!!

"be kind.. for we are all fighting a battle others know nothing about." amen!!

my life has turned out to be nothinggggg of what i thought it was gonna be .. and i'm at a place of acceptance about it now and what a blessing it is to feel at peace more often than not. i think the real definition of serenity is when you stop wishing you had a different past and appreciate what God trusted you to go thru bc He knew Y O U could handle it 🥰

my alcoholism has about damn killed me but i'm resilient and ive been able to help others who battle my demon too; my depression has helped me understand deep sadness and how not running away or being scared of somebody bc of that can really change another persons life for the better.. one conversation can literally save somebody's life so don't underestimate what it means when someone disabled from depresssion reaches out to you bc you could be a life changer to them, i know this from experience. sleep issues suck but i've had a lot of deep, thought provoking conversations at 3a, ill tell ya that! but lately i sleep better bc i'm getting the garbage out of my soul and giving myself some grace. i'm blessed to not hold on to people who left me during my darkest hour bc they weren't meant to see me grow and to take part in my joy now.. it's all how you look at it!! i tried holding on to soooo many people for so long and now i just feel free of that negativity .. and i'm sure some people feel the same about me these last few years.. i was very toxic to some people so they were right to let me go as well. there's always two sides to everything y'all -- like be blessed for those who have let you down!! now you have room for people who are loyal and worth your damn time!! but as i just mentioned, i had to look in the mirror though and humble myself bc at one point or another, i was "that person" on more than one occasion that let somebody down and perspective on that is key to moving forward and not hurting somebody like that again. hurt people hurt people and i was the queen of that. when i get what i feel is a proper amount of time under my belt, i have so many amends to make that its quite.. sick, really. in the 5 years i've been in and out of AA, ive only been told to F off and/or burn in hell twice after trying to make an amends so that's better than i deserve lol most have been receptive of my amends but this will be the second round for some of those same people and i don't expect the same forgiveness i got the first time bc i don't deserve it. i'll also be frank with you .. some people i don't want to make amends to bc i don't feel they deserve it so clearly i still have work to do on my heart and hopefully thru the program and in time, i will feel differently but right now that's honestly how i feel.

to sum it all up, here are some things that help me:

-if you have to hide it, don't do it. -chaos always proceeds change.

-people will treat you with as much respect as you show yourself (thank you Lord for helping me with this one!!)

-validation may come from other people but that's just temporary. if you ain't happy in YOUR heart, with who YOU are.. check your morals and standards my dear! it doesn't matter if the entire world thinks you're great -- you need to KNOW & BELIEVE you are and that begins with the belief system you set for yourself!

- the saying "one foot in front of the other" goes a long way.. act blessed and you'll become blessed; no matter how stupid it sounds in your head, talk kindly to yourself until you believe it -- affirmations work, i swear!!! most importantly, show others grace so you'll eventually show yourself some 💕

i am a sinner but i am not my mistakes. my alcoholic demon is strong but God is stronger.. and thru Him, so am i. without my community from TN to NC to GA, my friends, my family of choice, my medical team and The Lord God, id be an empty shell of a person still at the bottom of a bottle at all hours of the day wanting to die every second i was breathing.. yes, it got that bad more times than i can count so THANK YOU to everyone who has given a shit about me and this crazy life i've had!!! once i realized that roughly 10% of my life is whats happened to me and came to accept that 90% of my life were problems that i created myself, was when i was able to become grateful for all the problems i DONT have & blessed that although some bridges are forever burned, there are many that are not!!! if i continue to act right, i have beautiful opportunities to improve myself and my relationships, the most important one being with God.

i know ive got some haters but i don't view them as enemies anymore bc i don't like harboring anger in my heart anymore .. it doesn't feel good and it only speaks to my own personal insecurity when i've talked poorly of somebody in the past. ive never quoted tupac in my life but there's a first time for everything 🤣 "i want you to eat, just not at my table." to the people i don't like and to those that don't like me, let's pray for each other. everybody deserves happiness and to thrive in their own way.. i'm not gonna be apart of some people's lives and BOTH of us are better because of it! God, i loveeee acceptance!!!! 🙌

above all.. do & be YOU, boo boo!

if it matters any, i think you're pretty great! 😋😙

as alwaysss, much love from knox & prayers to friends in mid tenn!! hope everyone is safe!! 🙏

xoxo

kels

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