#im so all over the place i feel like im going postal

[petriflor]

vagina hurts

[milkman-zahhak]

OC ref sheet + slightly better writing/fic

-> Part 1 Part 2 (prequel to part 1) (think of it like a flashback scene, seen as Leo and Cal drift asleep in part 1) Part 3 (sequel to part 1)

Made a visual for those OCs I made, attempting to flesh them out a bit. The art is messy, the anatomy is wack, I know.. I just wanted to get the basic info out there. Anyways, here's a different (hopefully better) story.

And as usual, WARNING, THIS IS A KINK POST, A FETISH POST. IT WILL CONTAIN FETISH CONTENT, SUCH AS BELLIES FULL OF FOOD AND WHATNOT, CHECK THE TAGS FOR THE WHOLE RUNDOWN.

Brief overview: The first character is a college boy named Cal. He's naturally thin, he doesn't overeat very often. And maybe that's for the better because he's lactose intolerant and has a sensitive stomach, prone to bloating. He's shy and antisocial, but has a very close friend named Leo who is his roommate. Leo secretly has.. well, a "thing" for bloated tummies and things of the like.. he would never push this onto anyone, much less ADMIT it. Cal has grown comfortable around Leo over the years, even though he's usually very self-consious and shy, he trusts Leo and is willing to open up to him more. ----------

It was a boring day off of work for Cal. He had no plans nor any means to act out any plans he might have. Not to mention nothing to snack on, and Cal wasn't about to make himself a whole meal. He was counting down the minutes until his roommate Leo came home from work, hanging out with Leo was always fun for him. Eventually, it was about 30 minutes past the time he expected Leo to return.

"Im so boooorreeeed…" Cal mumbles. But as soon as the words leave his lips, the door slams open. He turns around to see Leo and brightens up immediately. Leo informs him that hes sorry for being late, he won some gift cards to the local pizza place in a raffle at work and used them all at once. "I thought i might as well use 'em before I lose 'em. Or forget about them. Theres a bunch, so we can share!" Leo tries to cheer Cal up as he brings the pizza boxes to the little coffee table in the living room. Cal follows Leo to the pizza to grab a slice. "I've been so bored out of my mind all day, and hungry too. This is gonna be so kickass, huh?" Leo chuckled "Yup! Just us chilling all night. We can watch movies too, let me get one ready." Cal leans back, "hell yeah! Ok, choose something silly and fun."

Cal watches from the kitchen as Leo boots up youtube on the TV in the living room "Dude, something else please. Leo frowns, questioning "aww, not y-" Cal interrupts "NOT youtube documentaries about lost media or unsuccessful video game film adaptations, God dammit! That's all we watched last time.. don't you have any actual movies?"

Leo gets up and looks through a box of physical media he has, most of which are youtube series he's burnt onto DVDs, until he finds an actual movie "Uh. Umm. I've got one of the original copies of the Postal 2007 movie on dvd?.."

Cal sighs, giving up on being able to chose a normal movie "...Yeah, sure. Zach Ward really carried that dumpster fire"

Cal leans forward over the kitchen table to pluck a slice from the box, the stringy cheese stretching and tearing. "I could go for some soda, too," he murmurs, and Leo springs to his feet, nodding "Good call. I'll grab some." As he heads for the fridge, Cal takes an excited bite and settles back. He's practically inhaling the slice at this point, almost choking on the huge bite he took as he does so. Leo hears him cough and laughs, "God damn, Cal, chill. There's plenty of pizza, haha. It's not gonna run away from you."

Cal rolls his eyes "yeah, thanks for the advice." He takes another big bite and speaks as he chews "you have no idea how hungry I've been all day. I swear I could eat all of this pizza by myself if I could!" Cal was obviously joking and exaggerating, but Leo blushed imagining such a scenario… he shook away the thoughts quickly. He doesn't want to make Cal feel uncomfortable, he doesn't know about Leo's fetish, and Leo felt guilty for thinking of his friend as the unaware center of his fantasies. Leo's cheeks burn as he returns to the living room with the sodas. Cal had grabbed a second slice by then, but was struggling to keep up with his conversation between bites. The pizza pretty much disappeared before his eyes.

He must be starving, Leo thought.

Leo places the sodas on the coffee table within arm's reach and flops down onto the living room floor, propping his back up against the couch. His eyes scan Cal's body thoughtfully from across the apartment, but he remains silent. Cal is oblivious to Leo's silent admiration, focused solely on demolishing the pizza. In just a minute, he finishes his second slice and reaches for a third. Leo is putting the DVD in when he remembers he needs to eat too "Oh, wait let me grab a plate".

Leo walks into the kitchen to see Cal still at the kitchen table scarfing down pizza, his hands come away greasy and covered with sauce. He doesn't care. He devours the fourth slice like he's had no food in days. Leo playfully hits Cal on the shoulder, "cmon, man save some for me.. and don't eat it in here. I wanna watch the movie! Here, we can even bring the pizza boxes in there too." Leo meant that they should move to the living room after Cal finished his slice, but as Cal agrees and gets up, he shoves the whole slice into his mouth at once as they carried pizza boxes into the living room.

They settled down for the movie. Leo reached for a slice of pizza and realized quickly that it was already half gone. Cal had eaten maybe 4 slices already. He looks over to see how Cal managed to pack it all away when he realized he couldn't see his belly. Cal was wearing a loose zip-up sweatshirt and it gave nothing away.

The two watched the movie, eventually the first box was finished. Leo's eyes drifted back and forth between the TV and Cal. He can't help himself. Cal is too damn irresistible. The way he devoured that pizza—no shame, no second thought. Cal rarely even took a moment to breathe.. And there must be a reason Leo can't see his belly when he's been gorging himself, right? Cal's belly must be distended and swollen beneath that sweatshirt. His jeans must be so tight right now… Leo internally scolds himself after looking down and realizing it was in fact HIS pants – not Cal's – that were tight, albeit not because of his stomach.

He really shouldn't be thinking of Cal like this, Cal doesn't know what this is doing to Leo, he's not doing anything on purpose. Leo tries to shake these intrusive thoughts. He glances at Cal for a moment and finds him staring right back, mouth full of pizza. "Hey man, you good?" Leo tilted his head "What? Yeah, why?". Cal shrugs. "I dunno, I asked you if you thought Uwe Boll ever actually played Postal himself or not.. And you just were kinda staring off into space.." Leo blushes "oh, haha my bad, I think I just zoned out.."

Shit

Leo continued, "..Sorry, I get pretty engrossed in movies and stuff sometimes, you know?"

Cal grins bashfully and takes a big bite of whichever slice he was on now "Ah, well, I tend to talk over 'em a lot, so..." Leo waves him off, "Nah, Cal, don't apologize. I like hearing the shit you have to say about movies. Makes it more interesting." Cal grins and turns back to the screen, his eyes fixated on the television in front of him as he grabs the last slice in the third box, dropping the empty box to the floor. "Dude this pizza is soooo good. Im like, full, but I can't stop eating it."

Leo almost wishes Cal knew how he felt about these kinds of subjects so he wouldn't be so open about it, but how do you begin to tell your friend "hey this normal thing? It actually gets me rock hard, so unless you're trying to encourage that, maybe we could change the subject from you stuffing your belly with unhinged amounts of pizza, thanks". Leo takes the few seconds that Cal has his focus on the movie as an opportunity to gaze again at his now noticeably distended belly beneath his sweatshirt. The fabric is stretched taut, and tauter by the minute. His posture slowly changing as more and more pizza filled up his gut and weighed it down. His belly must be huge right now. Is there any way the shirt could hide it for much longer? Leo wondered.

The movie is almost over. Cal leans back in his seat, subtly sneaking his hand beneath his sweatshirt to try and sneakily rub his belly. He quickly stops as if trying to hide his discomfort. Maybe he's embarrassed? Leo tries not to think about it until during a quiet moment in the movie he hears a "grrgrgrrrrrrrrlllllee….." from beside him. "Woah Cal was that you?". Cal grins "yup, I think I'm *hic* getting full." Oh god. Leo was practically throbbing.

"O-oh, haha yeah I bet. You ate like 3 boxes right?" Cal looks at Leo like he's crazy for a moment before looking down at the empty boxes on the floor "no way, I only… I.. hm. Fuck, I guess I did!" Leo sees a flash of regret and fear on Cal's face for a split second before his fun attitude came back "I wasn't paying attention to the food, I was just eating while I watched the movie.." there were a few moments of silence. Cal's belly grumbles loudly again, interrupting the silence. His face is slightly flushed as he tries to hide how full he's getting from the pizza. He rubs his arm with nervous energy. "Man do you think we could crank down the heat a bit? I'm kinda hot" Leo nods and gets up, turning down a dial on the thermostat. As Leo is in the other room, Cal lets out a small burp into his fist and continues to rub his belly. Leo definitely heard it, but he wasn't gonna bring it up since Cal seemed to be trying to hide it anyways.

Back in his seat on the couch now, Leo shifts his legs and glances at his friend out of curiosity. Cal is still watching the movie, but Leo can hear his tummy churning as it tries to digest copious amounts of free pizza. He also hears Cal swallowing down burps as they rumbled up his throat. Maybe Cal thought that Leo couldn't hear these things, because he stayed outwardly confident and continued to act like he wasn't very full at all. Cal's belly rumbles loudly again, loudly enough that theres no denying what the sound was. "damn, haha" he plays it off casually before hiccuping, swallowing air as he did so and accidentally belching at the end. "hic-uRP-" his eyes widen. Leo is glad the lights are dim because hes sure that his face is probably red as a tomato right now.

"Sorry," Cal says "I guess I got a little carried away" He rubs his belly again not hiding it very well anymore, it's distended just above his belt, stretching the fabric as he stretches out on the couch. After a few moments, Cal shifts slightly, as if he's trying to find a comfortable position to relax. The movement does nothing but draw his sweatshirt tighter around his bulging belly as he leans back. The pressure is obviously becoming uncomfortable for Cal, he can't help but give a soft groan as he feels the distension of his gut. Leo looks away for a second as he feels his eyes almost roll back in his head. This CAN'T be real life. He turns back and takes a deep breath. He shouldn't be here, he feels bad. Cal is unintentionally acting out some of Leo's deepest fantasies and he doesn't even KNOW he's doing it..

Eventually the movie ended and the credits rolled. Leo yawned, it was getting late. They could probably just crash here on the couch and sleep like they usually do. Conversation continues as normal, both the boys winding down as they prepare to sleep soon. Another burp rumbles up Cal's throat and it's a wonder he can even keep up the facade. This happens a few more times before eventually, an especially forceful belch broke the barrier of silence.

"…. .. brUUUUUUURHP-Urp… urp…" Leo's head spun around, both boys' eyes were wide in shock. Leo tried to lighten the mood, he knew his friend seemed uncomfortable about letting on that he had overindulged, so Leo followed Cal's demeanor and decided to also play it cool.

Leo scrambled to think of what a normal person who isn't aroused by bloated belly aches would say in this situation. "Damn that was a big one haha, sick!"

Cal avoided eye contact and forced a small laugh "Ha, you know it… sorry though for real, that was gross of me" Leo tries to reassure him without making it obvious that he is MORE than okay with what's going on. "Dont worry about it, you're so self conscious about so many things that really aren't that big of a deal. I promise, I don't find you annoying or gross." Cal stayed silent, appearing to be studying Leo's face before sighing and sitting up slightly "Can I… be honest with you?"

Leo tries not to laugh "Dude, you can ALWAYS be honest with me, your my best friend!" Cal opened his mouth to speak before grimmacing as a loud airy gurgle broke the silence, followed by an involuntary soft and equally as airy burp… "I- *uuuorp*, god, my stomach is so full." He brought one other hand to the top his stomach and the other to the bottom, holding it with both hands weakly, unable to find the strength to hide it anymore "Leo, I'm not really fine, my stomach actually hurts really bad and I didnt *hic* I didn't wanna fuck up movie night so I didnt say anything." He quickly blurts out. That gets Leo's attention.

Leo is frozen for a moment, staring at Cal's tummy, bulging beneath his sweatshirt, creating a huge bump as if he were hiding a basketball underneath it. It was a wonder that his sweatshirt wasn't tearing apart from the seams. In fact, it looked like it was about to. Even with the dim light and the position he's in, it's almost impossible to hide it. "Cal.." Leo's voice almost cracks. "You didn't ruin movie night, I don't think you could if you tried. I like hanging out with you and I like you for who you are, I don't want you to feel scared to tell me things and I'm sorry if I did anything to make you feel that way-" Cal cuts him off "no, no, it's not you.. urgh.." he paused as an overstuffed rumble made its way up his throat, he went to release it as a burp, but it got stuck in his throat. "*sigh*… it's me, I don't wanna get into it but I promise you, there's something personal about me and it's my own thing to deal with, sorry if I came off as apprehensive or unusual about it, I'm just stubborn.."

Leo put his hand on Cal's shoulder. That's what friends do, right? He assured him "Man.. As long as you're happy."

The mood seems to have lifted after that little talk. Cal sighed out loud "*sighh* but for real my stomach hurts so bad, it feels like I'm being stabbed in the gut!" He said as he slowly rubbed back and forth on the upper curve of the bloated mass in his lap covered by his sweatshirt. Churning could be heard as well as bubbles in the back of Cal's throat just barely making it up before getting stuck. Cal groaned under his breath. Leo tries to contain his own excitement at the situation. He doesn't know how long he can keep his cool if Cal keeps making sounds like that.

Another quiet moment between the boys, their conversation drifting to a stop. Leo's attention is entirely directed at Cal's body, specifically his ever inflating abdomen. He could see the pressure taking a toll on Cal. The sweatshirt was getting hard to keep down as the tightness and heaviness of the distended flesh pressed on his lap. Cal tries his best to relax for the time being, not able to do anything about his situation at the moment. The sweatshirt's fabric continues to be stretched, but still it can't hide the growing bulge of stomach.

"G-god it hurts.. fuck…" Cal suddenly whispered under his breath, breaking the verbal silence. "Leo, I can't sleep, I feel sick.." Leo had long since pulled his shirt down to cover his own crotch, he was past the point of no return and had nothing left to do but hide his shame, and his main goal now was to either relieve himself or stop being horny, and one of those was near impossible in this situation. The other coming naturally.

He still tried to give helpful advice though, "Dude, it's probably the gas. You're probably bloated from all the cheese, not to mention the stuffed crust. You just gotta get the gas out"

Cal raises an eyebrow "how? I don't know how to burp on command, and I can't seem to get anything up.." Leo rolls his eyes and resists face-palming, "You.. by rubbing your stomach? Do you need me to do it for you?" He teased playfully. Cal leaned back, "oohg.. if you're offering, go ahead.." Leo's heart practically jumped into his throat as Cal gave him permission to touch his stomach. "Really?" Cal gives him a genuine nod. Leo got up onto the couch and moved behind the other boy, his hand going from Cal's shoulder to the front of the bulging sweatshirt, his fingers lightly pressing onto Cal's belly. He was immediately greeted with a low, loud rumbling that was probably from all the pizza, cheese, and soda, as well as the gas that had been accumulating throughout the night. He could feel the vibrations even through Cal's sweatshirt and undershirt "Holy shit, dude. You really are bloated". Cal's body shook and his voice trembled "Y-*..grrrr* oulgh.. yeah I usually never eat that much. I don't know how I even fit all that in me." The noises and vibrations sent a shiver down Leo's spine. Cal was almost like a giant, fleshy drum that he could feel vibrate when he touched it. He pressed his hands onto it again, but this time he gently rubbed circles into Cal's gut, listening to the rumblings as he did so.

The sensation and the noises made him euphoric. Cal suddenly spoke up "Hey I don't want to be weird or anything but are you like, into this?" Leo's heart sank and he felt his life flash before his eyes, his hands lifting up off of Cal's belly as he froze in place. "Wh… uh. What."

Cal repeated himself "like, are you into this?" Leo doesn't know what to say. How did Cal even know? Was he being too eager, too straightforward? He knew he shouldn't have actually offered a belly rub, surely Cal was just exaggerating when he made the offer. "I'm.. what made you think that?" Cal exhaled out of his nose jovially "because I can feel your boner on my back dude." Leo's eyebrows furrowed ashamedly, he wanted to crawl into a hole and die. Cal noticed and quickly added "It's okay if you are! I just.. I wanna know and make sure that's the case because I.. uh" Leo didn't dare look up but his ears honed in on what Cal said as he continued to speak "..I am."

Leo let out a deep sigh and leaned on Cal, resting his head on his shoulder "ohthankgod… Well in that case, yeah. Uh. Was it.. really that obvious?" Cal shook his head "Not really, I was actually really worried that I was the one going over the top by using this as an opportunity to stuff myself silly, I wanted to take advantage, since it's not like we have a surplus of food to be eating on the regular." Leo lifted his head "That's kinda clever. Yeah, you went apeshit on those pizzas, how many did I bring, 4? There's only one box left and there's already half a slice eaten from it."

Cal groans, the thought of food making his stomach churn even louder. Leo put his hands back on Cal's stomach and continued to rub it again. Cal suddenly tensed up and made a painful, scrunched up face, Leo could feel a particular pocket of air beneath his hands and massaged the side of Cal's hard distended tummy. Cal began to groan before he was cut off by a huge belch that sounded like the damned and digested souls of every pizza slice he's shoved into his gut. "Ugh-hUUUUUUURRRRP..'' There was a small moment of silence from everyone and everything including Cal's raunchy belly before everything shifted back into gear. Leo had to look down and check to make sure he didn't cream his jeans.

Cal let out a relieved sigh "oh Jesus dude, that helped a lot" he sounded thankful as he took another deep breath. Leo felt a sudden surge of confidence after giving such successful belly rubs, he'd never done this before! He wasn't sure this was real life. If it was a dream he didnt ever wanna wake up.

His hand kept moving, circling and rubbing across Cal's bloated midsection, the soft fabric of his sweatshirt stretched over his stomach felt almost like a nice soft stress ball to Leo… more like a dollar store stress ball made of hard foam that's near impossible to squeeze comfortably, so you mostly just hold it and caress it. Except Cal's belly wasn't made of cheap foam, and was safely confined within his clothes. His very tight clothes. Every now and then his fingers would graze lightly against the bloated boy's chest when he would rub a bit higher up, drawing soft gasps from Cal. The sweatshirt was baggy but it wasn't all that thick, Leo could swear he felt Cal's nipples, now hard, through the layers of fabric after accidentally brushing past the area a few minutes in.

Leo didn't say anything, there was really nothing he felt he needed to say. He just kept rubbing and listening to Cal's belly gurgle and his occasional burping- none rivaled that first one though.

Leo eventually began to think aloud "So now that everything's all out in the open, I'm kinda curious, if you're okay with sharing.. uh. What do you specifically.. enjoy?" Cal leaned his head back slightly, shifting the rest of his body closer to the boy behind him in the process "honestly I just like to indulge once in a while. I- *urrrp* ah.. 'scuse me, I'm not a health freak or anything but I like keeping a slim figure and eating healthy. Mostly 'cause even small amounts of junk food upset my stomach. Not to mention my favorite junk foods usually contain dairy, and I'm lactose intolerant. So if I ate like this every day I would probably spend all my free time in pain anyways." Leo nodded sympathetically, "Yeah that sucks, man". Cal continued "s'not all that bad, it would just be really inconvenient. That's why I only go all out like this on special occasions, a few times a year."

Leo hummed and continued to rub in a circular motion across Cal's belly "Makes sense. So.. are you just enjoying yourself now or is there anything else you're uh, 'into'?" Cal let out a small groan as Leo's hand brushed against his chest again "ghh-*buhurrrp*.. mm.. I don't think so. I can't think of any better way to go about satisfying my cravings. I like to feel full every now and then, push my limits and see how far I can go. I usually get full after eating even just small amounts, but I've found that if I keep going beyond and just continue eating anyways, I can actually pack away a whole lot more before my body starts to stop just hurting and starts physically rejecting and ejecting it" he hiccuped after he spoke and giggled before finishing his sentence "..so I'm just kinda relaxing right now.. and.. the company is nice too." he added in with a small smile. "Why, what about you? You into anything else?"

Leo was still shocked that his friend happened to not only accept his freaky fetish, but SHARE it, he didn't want to move things too fast or sound too eager.. but Cal basically admitted his secrets for him just now, and Leo feels like Cal deserves the same honesty from him. "Well.. I'm into people doing what you do. I'm not really into it when it's my own stomach or anything for some reason, but I don't really mind. I wouldn't really be opposed to it, I think I'm just more into… experiencing it uh, secondhand?" Leo, lost in thought, pressed down harder than usual for a second as he rubbed, Cal let out a muffled burp into his fist "*grrrrph*.. no, that makes sense, I get it."

Leo, feeling more grounded and comfortable, added onto his explanation "I've never done anything about it before, but I.. fantasize.. a lot, and I'm really into the idea of feeding y- someone. Like being the one to help you push your limits." Leo felt a tingle run down his spine as he finally admitted his fantasies out loud, he felt Cal sit up a little bit. Worried that maybe that freaked him out he added "Sorry if that's too weird.."

Cal laughed, then sat up completely, beginning to speak before the air that had been trapped rushed up as he sat straighter, "*BUUURP* agh, phew! It's okay, Leo, that's hot". Leo blinked. Very blunt... but he wasn't complaining.

Cal put his own hands on his stomach, feeling it for himself before looking back up at Leo "I'm still super full, but my tummy doesn't feel like it's being stabbed anymore! Like, I don't feel as full anymore!" Leo smirked "It's cause I burped you like a little baby"

Cal shoved Leo lightly "Oh c'mon, you loved it! Hey, there's still some pizza left right? We could do your feeding thing!" Leo's face brightened but he hesitated to accept the offer. "I mean, we could always do this another time. I could wait however long you want until you're ready to dedicate a night to this, besides, aren't you really full?" Cal technically was full, his stomach had stopped churning as hard and thus wasn't in as much pain at the moment, but that just meant the food was sitting in his stomach undigested.

Cal's expression stayed the same as he answered unexpectedly confidently, "But I'm less full now! It hurt earlier, but I wasn't really at my limit!" Leo was skeptical "You sounded like you were gonna projectile vomit on the carpet earlier if I hadn't rubbed your belly" Cal scoffs, "No, I was just psyched out! I was caught off guard 'cause you were here with me and I didn't know if I would have been freaking you out or not. Really, I've been doing this for years" Leo stood up and sighed "If you say so 'mr professionally licensed glutton', but I'm new to doing any of this and I really don't want to push you too far and have to clean up undigested pizza out of the carpet. At least not tonight."

Cal shrugs. "I'll be fine, at least this time. I promise." Leo looked unsure, but in the end he sat down behind Cal again and started to slowly rub his hands over the mass of Cal's distended midsection once again.

Truthfully, Cal was still pretty sensitive, and the light brush of Leo's hands felt like a very comfortable massage. "Alright, Cal. I'll do this, but I want you to tell me if it's getting uncomfortable, and we can stop. Don't make me feed you until you puke, that's gross". Cal chuckled, "I won't puke if you make sure to rub my tummy!" Leo sighed as he got up to grab the last box of pizza. "Alright but I'm grabbing the trash can just in case. Get comfy, Cal".

Cal held his still quite full belly, realizing now just how bloated he was, how his sweatshirt stretched to fit over his overstuffed stomach. He carried its weight in his hands as he shifted over to one side of the couch, propping himself up against a pillow on the armrest, letting out a low airy belch as he did so. He called out to Leo "Hey grab some more soda too, I'm thirsty!"

Cal shifted slightly as he settled in on the couch, his legs stretched out in front of him. To Leo, he almost looked like he was getting ready to watch television rather than stuff himself full of greasy, processed pizza for his friend's enjoyment. Leo walked into the room holding the box and a 2-liter bottle of orange soda. He sat down beside Cal in the same manner, making as little noise as possible while he settled. The air was thick with anticipation - both boys knew what was about to happen, but neither of them dared acknowledge it outright. Cal decided to break the awkward silence and be the first to step up, lord knows Leo won't.

Cal reaches for the box to grab a slice, but his round bloated tummy is preventing him from bending that far. He recoils and grabs his stomach, "oof.. oough.. I don't think I can keep leaning down and over to grab slices.. you're gonna have to feed 'em to me.."

Leo blushed, flustered, as if this isn't exactly what they had both agreed and planned to do mere seconds ago.

He was about to be the one to fill up Cal, and he wanted to do a good job. He held the slice up to the eager boy in front of him, sitting between his legs and reaching over his hard bloated tummy. His crotch just about touching Cal's as he sat there on the couch between his legs and overstuffed stomach. Cal looked at him hungrily.

"O-open wide," Leo says quietly, holding the greasy slice of pizza toward Cal's mouth. Cal, his expression eager and expectant, opens his mouth taking a large bite. His chewing speed slower than before. His stomach was already packed full, it was a struggle to force himself to choke down even MORE food, but he was determined to try. He chewed more thoroughly, as if his body was trying to delay the inevitable. He grunted and a small burp slipped out though his full mouth while he chewed. He really was stuffed to the brim. He swallows, and continues this process until the slice is gone. He looks to Leo for more.

"Another" he says, his mouth still full of his previous bite. Leo pushes the next slice close to Cal's mouth wearily "You look really full, dude. Your tummy feels tight as a drum.." Leo mumbled as he gently rubbed around the warm surface of the sweatshirt, massaging the churning belly underneath. Cal chews and swallows, before cringing, and speaking up "urgh.. wait.." Leo froze cautiously as Cal continued "..I'm thirsty, hand me the soda." Leo rolled his eyes as Cal chugged down a few gulps of the fizzy soda, resulting in almost IMMEDIATE burping.

After this, Leo was sure Cal would be finished, but alas..

"…and more," Cal commands after his belch-break, swallowing and panting as Leo continues rubbing his belly gently. A low moan escapes his lips, his gaze glued to Leo. The bulge under his tight stretchy sweatshirt shifting slightly from his breathing. Leo was getting ready to reach for another slice when Cal groaned "Wait, just a second.. for real this time.. hng.. cramp. My tummy…" both his hands flew to his belly which was rumbling ominously. His hands moved upwards to his chest as they were quickly replaced with Leo's, "We can stop now if you want, you look like you're gonna burst!"

Cal shook his head in protest, "Just a cramp, just need a break.." Leo felt the sickly churning through the sweatshirt as he rubbed it, and without even pushing, a bubbly fart escaped from Cal's behind, rumbling on Leo's crotch right in front of it. Leo winced "Oh that smells terrible.. somethings up in your belly, I think you should-" Cal interrupted Leo, "another slice!"

It was quite full in there and this whole thing was making Cal feel hot, uncomfortable, sick, and horny all at once. "Ooh, man… my stomach is just.. bulging with all this." He took the remaining crust and devoured it in a single huge mouthful. He paused for a moment, the weight of the food in his stomach shifting as he let out a stream of airy farts, every single one preceded with a vibrating rumble from his belly. "*Pfffft*… *pfffffttttt*.. oh god.. *buurp* oh- *pffft*…*pfftt*… *prrt*.. fuck.. Im sorry, I can't even stop it." Cal said. Leo held the last slice of pizza in his hand, "okay… last slice… don't pop, man.."

Cal's stomach bulged obscenely inside his snug sweatshirt as he ate the last slice of pizza. He was in such a state that when his mouth was busy chewing, several burps forced themselves free through his nose in rapid succession. He moaned after each one. Leo didn't seem to mind, though, he just stared at Cal with eyes half-lidded and a bulge full-mast. He was practically shaking at this point, Leo felt his heat radiating onto the poor stuffed boy. Cal's stomach, already full and distended from the prior intake and now the last slice was working overtime to digest said pizza. His body was heating up from all the churning. Leo could feel every bit of it, his crotch was also getting hot.

Cal was sweating. He looked almost delirious from pleasure- and pain. His face was flushed, his eyes glassy. Leo comforts him as he finishes chewing and swallows, his stomach rumbles again. Cal tilted his head back, trying to relax his cramped muscles. A long wet burp shot out of his mouth before he had time to react, and he moaned aloud. Leo, worried, suggests "Hey maybe you should.. take your sweatshirt off. You seem really hot, like you're sweating. That has to be making you even more nauseous.." Cal groaned, hiccuped and replied "y-yeah. Guhhh… gonna.. take it off.." he weakly pulled at the zipper, struggling to get it over the bump of his aching belly. He whimpered as dangerous toots slid out. Once the zipper got over the curve of his belly, it practically unzipped itself the rest of the way down on its own. He wiggled his arms out and Leo helped toss the sweatshirt to the side. Cal was just in a thin elastic tank top now. He whined "m- *muuurp* shit, my belly hurts.. so full.. *frrtt..phhhtttrrft*… hng, *bur-URP*- ugh! I don't feel good.."

Leo was rubbing faster now. Another fart, another groan. The smell was intense and made Leo's eyes water. Cal's eyes werent any better, they were glazed over, his head lolled back he let out a silent puff of air from his mouth, his belches were getting risky, some of them he was forced to swallow down to avoid anything else other than air coming up, and he only had the tingle in the back of his throat to warn him. His stomach churned angrily, gurgling and undulating in time with Leo's rubbing. His belly was still distended and full, his white tank-top riding up just above his belly button. Leo listened as Cal's stomach emitted queasy grumbles and overpacked noises that would eventually be desperately released through either end. "I told you you were gonna feel sick, dude.. you look 8 months pregnant"

Cal laughed "I sure feel like it…. *hic-bRUUUP* mnnppph god… how am I supposed to walk after this? I think I'm *hic* too bloated for my own good. Ooooh… nnnngh.. and it feels like my stomach is doing an impression of a washing machine. *UURRRPPPP* oh- don't stop rubbing.. or.. I'm gonna have a premature birth!" Leo couldn't help but laugh. Cal turned his head and looked up. They locked eyes a moment as Leo was rubbing a sensitive spot just above Cal's belly button.

Leo's eyes widened as he blushed and unconsciously grinded his hips into Cal's crotch in front of him. His breath was hot and fast. Cal noticed, and warned his friend "My tummy hurts.. I feel so gassy, I think I need to fart.. uhm.. I'm not gonna *hic* warn you anymore, mostly because I don't think I can hold in anything anymore.." Leo never broke eye contact "That's okay, you're like a blimp. Let it all out, I'd rather you gas the place up than shit your pants on me".

Cal smiled and went to laugh before he was cut off by a sick burp, followed by a stream of wet, shorter burps.

Leo looked like he had gotten exactly what he wished for and more. In the face of a belching, gassy Cal he remained undaunted. He had a gleam in his eyes and a bulge in his pants that were both growing by the second. Cal was so full that he needed more than Leo's hand rubbing him. His own two fists were working him over in between big belchy moans and groans. His stomach was grumbling ominously, begging to get it over with sooner rather than later. "*bUUUURRRRRP* ooohh.. I feel queasy.." his statement punctuated by short, painful, but constant little farts as his stomach fought with the contents inside of it.

"Your tummy is gonna feel so much better after this, Cal." Leo said, rubbing and humping with more vigor, the rubbing on both Cal's belly and.. elsewhere.. helping things move along inside of him. Leo is on his knees, rubbing Cal's distended belly with both hands, spreading Cal's legs apart with his own as he worked. Cal's own hands were working higher up on his own gut, massaging and kneading. His belly was an air filled balloon ready to burst. Cal lets out a low moan and squirms as another deep and wet burp erupts. All the while, Cal could feel tingles of pleasure building up in his bloated guts, but the queasy, sick feeling was still going strong. This whole thing was making him feel strange and oddly arousing in a way he'd never felt before.

Leo saw the look on his friend's face and his hands gripped his swollen tummy. "It's okay, mnff... you can... let it happen... anytime."

Cal nodded, his hands rubbing his engorged belly in time with Leo's rhythm, as the blonde boy sacrificed a hand from belly rubbing duty to help keep himself steady above Cal.

Cal grunted as he continued massaging his distended gut. Leo's other rubbing was growing much more intense now. He was almost shaking Cal as he did so. Cal's mouth hung open and he was moaning with a slightly desperate tone. "Come on, dude.. hurry it up.. I'm so…" his moan was cut off by another wet belch. His body shook with the force of it and he clenched his teeth in an effort to relax and hold back the next one. It was no use. Another belch, and another, and another, with rapid, short gaps in between. Leo was now the one groaning, reaching his peak. "I'm.. unf.. hah.. Cal, I'm close… just hold on.." Leo was delirious with pleasure he'd only ever dreamed of experiencing.

Cal felt his body both nauseously ache at one part and throb with desire in another. An unusual mix that left him feeling like he was gonna puke regardless. He got himself into this willingly though, and has nobody to blame but himself, and he certainly doesn't wanna ruin Leo's night. He whines and puts all his focus into keeping his food inside of him.

Cal was struggling as he massaged his distended belly in time with his buddy's increasingly feverish rubbing. He let out a long, wet belch, "Hnnnnnnnghhhh my god, my stomach is so… *huuu-UUrrrpppp*- so full, I'm… I'm gonna be so sick."

Leo was getting close, very close, and he could feel his friend's stomach and other… parts… tensing up as he got ready to finish. Leo was breathing almost as hard as Cal at this point, gripping the stuffed boy's thigh with his one hand and holding himself steady with the other, trying not to jostle his buddy's tummy.

Leo is panting like a dog, his face bright red with effort and excitement. His body was flushed and his breath was heavy with the scent of the pizza they ate. Sweat trickled down his temples and forehead as he finally finished.

Suddenly, Cal lets out another long belch as all of that food starts moving again like a train. His stomach rumbles in discomfort at the pace Leo was pushing things along, but there's no stopping or slowing it now.

Cal's face grows more and more flushed as he moans and tries to keep his guts in its place. Leo rides out his climax, barely even worrying about how he's ruined his underwear in the process.

Snapping back to reality, he realized the true state that Cal was in and swiftly grabbed the trash can, "f-fuck. I'm sorry dude. You're gonna be okay. Just let it out, don't worry about accidents, I have the trash right here.. hold on.." he shifted Cal over slightly so that if any… spilling.. happened it would be in the trash can instead of on the floor. Cal's stomach was round and rock hard, the contents inside swirling like a greasy, bubbly storm. The movement caused a rancid fart to seep out slowly from Cal, the smell making him feel even more sick.

"Ugh.. god, *hic-HURP-" Leo… I'm so full…" the smell was terrible, the pizza obviously having not digested properly. Cal tried to hold on. But he couldn't hold it in for much longer. His hands resting on the impossibly bloated tummy that lay heavily in his lap.

Between queasy, wet, uncontrollable belches that forced their way out of his system, he tried to apologize "Leo.. grrrroowl ungh.. you w- *UUUR*ere right. It was too *urp* much.. fuck! *bruuuup.. burrp.. hurp* gah.. I should have listened.. to you…" he just couldn't stand the pressure anymore and stopped trying to speak when a series of loud, wet belches forced their way out of him. The distended mass in his belly seemed to vibrate and throb in rhythm with his digestive noises.

Leo tried to reassure him, "It's okay, I shouldn't have gone along with it.. we were both caught up in the moment, just breathe.." Cal gasped for air in between belches. "Ohhh fuu-*URP*… I'm gonna… gurggl*urp* Ughhhnnn…!" Cal couldn't hold it in anymore. His full belly convulsed as the undigested remains of the greasy pizza seamlessly flowed out of his mouth. He didn't even get the chance to burp again before a second wave brought up even more. As soon as he could, Cal cried out and gasped for air… before promptly being sick once more.

It dribbled into the trashcan as Cal struggled to remain upright on the couch; he was so sick. After the first few times, every heave was followed by a long, wet belch, the air that had been mixing with everything coming up in between. Cal gripped Leo's arms tightly as his stomach cramped and growled and heaved, the force of which made his whole body jerk and shake.

Cal was too nauseated to even protest being held and rubbed by Leo as he continued to puke. As sick and unpleasant as it was, Cal felt oddly grateful. Cal continued to vomit, his face flushed and heaving as more wet belches spewed out of his mouth. "Ughhh… *hic* I'm not done.. *gurp* I know I'm not.. god I ate so much!" The next few waves felt almost like they would never pass as Cal struggled in pain, and pleasure from relief. Leo almost felt sick himself seeing just how much came up, thinking of how much went IN and how full Cal was. Cal's eyes began to look droopy as he felt his mind slipping away. He definitely reached his limit tonight. He was still sick, but moreso spitting up in the trashcan and gagging than full on vomiting anymore. His mind cleared up just enough to make a mental note to himself: 4 whole pizzas over the course of one night. That was his limit.

Leo, feeling queasy himself from having to witness Cal spewing inches away from him still let Cal rest his head on his lap, trying to avoid laying on his stomach or adding any nore pressure to it. He looked down at his friend, face flush, skin glistening with sweat, nose running, exhausted from the exertion. He couldn't imagine being in his shoes, but at least he could help him, even if it meant cleaning up the result.

"Are you okay, Cal? Do you think you're done?" Leo asked, stroking the hair out of Cal's eyes that were already starting to close. "Maybe… *hic* .. I'm getting sleepy." He mumbled, resting his head further into Leo's lap. Leo would enjoy this a lot more if his lap wasn't uncomfortably hot and sweaty, and parts of it wet and sticky inside from using them as friction to help bring him to his release earlier.

He grabbed a pillow from behind him and carefully moved it under Cal's head as he slipped out from underneath his sore, sleepy buddy. "I'm gonna go empty the trash can, I'm gonna run to the dumpster, I'll be like 5 minutes MAX, do you think you'll be fine until I get back?" Cal hummed "mmhmm.. *hic* I feel so much better… that needed to come out so bad…. oh my god I really overdid it…"

This experience, as repulsive as it sounded, was far from unpleasant to Cal. His body was still slick with sweat and fluids, and his stomach felt sore, but the relief of having gotten everything out was more than worth it to him. He didn't even mind being held and rubbed as his body expelled the contents of what he had eaten with such gluttony. He felt bad for involving Leo in it, if anything.

Cal sighed as he settled more into the pillow beneath him. His stomach still churned routinely, but he no longer felt dizzy with nausea, and he was once again in that familiar state of just being very, very full. He was in a pretty comfortable position though, it had to be said. His body felt oddly relaxed and yet, his stomach was still swollen and achy. He felt lighter, like his body had been cleansed. He also felt something… else. He turned his head as much as he could without moving his body. His eyes were drooped as his gaze was stuck forward, fixated on the doorway that Leo was to return from. After a few minutes he heard footsteps. He tried to force himself awake out of a half-sleep. "Leo?…" he tried to ask, but with the way his head was positioned and how sleepy he was, he only managed to croak out a few barely audible words.

"Leo? you back?"

Leo returned from outside the apartment door, the trashcan now empty and the trashbag inside replaced. He set it down and sighed as he crouched down to be level with Cal, who was still laying on the couch with his head against the pillow. "You awake?" He gently wiped the sweat off of Cal's forehead. Cal smiled sleepily. "Mm… sort of.. uhm. how are you feeling about this whole thing?" Cal was referring to both the pizza and their rather intimate session as a result.

Leo thought for a moment "Hm.. I feel tired, but probably not as tired as you." There was a pause before he continued "…I don't want you to feel bad, if I was in your position I think I would be so embarrassed that I would die.. I wanna be all 'I told you so' but that can wait."

Cal laughed in the form of exhaling through his nose. He understood. Leo kept talking, "I could have lived without you puking your guts out, that kind of ruined it.."

Cal was awake but still dazed enough to not think twice before speaking, "but you came, right?". Leo blushed. Cal was always so straightforward about these things. "Uh. Y-yeah. Absolutely I did. It was immediately cancelled out within like a minute, but up until then… I think I liked it." Cal grinned. "I liked it too. I mean, I definitely hated it at some moments, specifically the ones where I was barfing, but that's over now and I'm not past-me so overall I count it as a success. I found my limit!" Leo grimaced "You sure did.."

Cal continued "and I wouldn't have pushed myself to even go that far without you!"

Leo resisted the urge to lightly shove his friend in fear that he might jostle him too much. "Then maybe I shouldn't have, if this is what happens when I feed you and help you then maybe I'll just stick to watching you gobble down pizza from afar like I used to" Cal giggled. "Well now you don't have to, because my limit is 4 boxes of pizza, just never push me beyond that! Easy math!"

Leo shook his head "I just gotta say.. if this is like a yearly thing or maybe even a once-a-month thing I would be more than happy to help you push your limits.. but now that you know the result I'm not sure about 4.. maybe 1…" Cal playfully groaned "ughhh fine!", then laughed and then turned his head to face Leo. He was smiling as he looked at his friend while trying to keep his eyes open. "Hey, Leo.. thanks for indulging me. You're always there for me and I don't know if I thank you enough for it." Leo shook his head, "Don't worry about it. Thank you for not judging me. You're never afraid to be yourself and you make me want to do the same."

The two fell asleep in the living room, Cal on the couch, and Leo on the floor. They grew much closer that day, and their bond will forever be strengthened, all thanks to surplus pizza.

[kazpng]

nottemdude HCs pls do (⁠￣⁠︶⁠￣⁠)

YES THANK YOU IM SO NORMAL OVER THEM

●Not Important has some serious self esteem issues that he likes to pretend he doesn't have (but totally does). Hence the long hair that pretty much hides his face and the overall negative outlook on life. Postal Dude on the other hand, while having his schizophrenia, doesn't nearly suffer as badly as he did when he was younger (Postal 1). Not Important also doesn't take compliments from anyone, not even his parents (if he still talked to them), but if Dude says something nice about him? Well, that's okay. He cannot say thank you to save his life, but he quietly grumbles to himself and flushes under his bangs.

●Speaking of bangs! Very rarely does Not Important actually tie them up in a ponytail. I love the concept but realistically I know it doesn't happen all that often, unless its New York summer.... Postal Dude loves how Not Important looks though, and will encourage seeing his face to eternity.

●If Not Important survives the events of Hatred: Postal Dude would totally try to get Not Important the help and therapy he needs because BOY does he need it. I love imagining Postal Dude driving Not Important to his weekly session and sitting with him in the waiting room so Nottem doesn't break into a panic attack while waiting (I'm projecting). Postal Dude is just a really supportive boyfriend overall <3

●After seeing the stickynote doodle from Postal 4 (and then crying over said stickynote) I have accepted it as canon that Not Important is a complete lovesick fanboy of Postal Dude, more specifically P1 Dude, and that's how they met in the first place! Before carrying out the events of Hatred, Not Important knew he planned on not being alive after, so he sought out finding his idol and at least meeting him before kicking the bucket and all that. Wasn't expecting too much from the encounter, but it turned out that current day Postal Dude was way nicer than anyone else in Not Important's life, and it acted almost like a wake-up call for him. Nottem thought he was slick, but his very obvious crush on his idol was very apparent to Postal Dude, but Dude was nice enough to not mention it until later.

●As for more domestic things between them, I feel like Postal Dude has to take initiative far more often, and it almost always ends up in a flustered Not Important. See, when Postal Dude blushes, he looks fairly normal, but because Not Important is lacking any pigment (his ass does NOT go outside), any color on his cheeks is incredibly noticeable and BRIGHT. Postal Dude, ever the tease, points it every time, putting on a baby voice and cooing at Not Important, saying things like "I knew you were human!" and other things of the like.

●Last thing for now because I think I've proven my nottemdude obsession, favorite things about each other! Not Important madly respects Postal Dude's resilience and how he's managed to cope with his past and his mental illnesses. Not to mention how attractive Dude is of course. Postal Dude sees a lot of himself in Not Important and wants only the best for him, plus he loves Nottem's endearing quirks and habits.

[beesmygod]

Hello, do u have any game recommendations for the steam winter sale? If not don’t worry. Have a nice day!

what a sweet question...my recommendations are going to suck so sorry ahead of time

dark souls remastered - $19.99 / dark souls 3 - $14.99 : you know what these are. i still think the remaster price is bullshit. that's a good price for 3 tho.

sekiro - $29.99 : this game took a long time to grow on me but man. it fucking rules.

fallout new vegas ultimate - $7.99 : the good bethesda game not made by bethesda. a steal for a game that i dropped a ton of time into over the years. for some reason it just kept pulling me back in! it's just kinda fun to explore, you know.

morrowind GOTY edition - $4.59 : god i love morrowind. uh, once i modded it to hell and back lol. the base game is not very playable. but once you fix all that shit my god its easily my favorite bethesda game. it has absolute faith in the player to fucking figure shit out and doesn't give you waypoints. instead you have to ask around and get directions! they have not and will never make a world this weird again. you ride around on giant insects and explore cities with bizarro architecture that's easy to get lost in. you meet living gods and dunmer who have gaping holes in their faces and empty skulls. the fauna are fucking dinosaurs. its so fucking good. AND everyone fucking HATES YOU LMFAO. EVERYONE. absolutely no one wants you to be the chosen one. its great.

oblivion GOTY edition deluxe - $5.99 : morrowind's much much dumber brother. hysterically bad at times. breaks in the funniest ways. install mods so it breaks more often. one time i walked into a village and everyone was t posing outside and slowly slid to the left through houses and barns and shit until they disappeared into a mountain. just wonderful.

dishonored definitive edition - $4.99 / dishonoured 2 deluxe bundle - $11.99 : extremely fun series where you get to teleport around and kill people. takes itself very seriously which makes it all the more charming lol. it feels good to play, you know.

opus magnum - $9.99 : i still havent finished this puzzle game because its hard but like. good hard. reminds me of the difficulty of 90s puzzle games that were geared toward adults.

two point hospital - $8.74 : this is just the base game bc the price for everything is completely out of pocket. this is a hospital sim game. run your hospital. hire your staff. build your rooms. try not to kill people. don't go bankrupt. good luck!

disco elysium - $17.99 : you know what this is.

girls like robots - $3.49 : a little puzzle game that scratches an itch ive been drastically trying to scratch. you can pick up and put down quickly. i like it

sunless sea - $6.45 : taking place in the world of the browser game "fallen london", you pilot a ship and manage your sanity, HP and food meters while out at sea. slowly reveal the map, find ways to make money by determining the best trade routes, and meddle in everyone's affairs. everyone's. the fellas at the salt lions will trade with you until the supply dries up and the fed-up postal workers have their own very insular culture that doesn't involve you and the polythreme causes all inanimate to become alive. all of them. pretty neat.

civ 6 anthology - $29.88 : ugghhhhhh 30 dollars?! in this economy?! damn you sid meiers and your stupid piecemeal dlc releases. you might as well get the full bundle bc the base game is unplayable. they shipped half a game. this pissed me off so much next time im pirating. good game tho.

pathologic 2 - $9.79 : maybe a little too close to reality right now but it is one of the best games ive ever played. feel free to play it on any difficulty option (this game is notorious for its perceived difficulty) but know that you're supposed to die and fail repeatedly. you cannot save them all. you won't save them all. maybe on the next playthrough, you can take what you've learned, try again.

planescape: torment - $5.99 : i played this ancient game this year and had an absolute blast with it lol. despite knowing nothing about the lore of the world, i managed to get sucked in to this really weird place the game dropped me in and quickly caught up on all the details.

sleeping dogs - $2.99 : neo-noir mystery set in hong kong. you play an undercover cop trying to infiltrate a gang so the game has you working both criminal stuff and police work at the same time. neat concept. funny on purpose at times. but my god the ending is disappointing lol. im telling you now to spare you the "that's it?!" feeling

saints row 4 game of the century edition - $4.99 : deeply stupid game. the johnny gat DLC is supposed to be terrible. the christmas one was a hoot. its mindless.

SOMA - $4.49 : philosophical horror game about consciousness. i dont know if there's a way to describe it without sounding pretentious. the way the player choices are utilized is the best way ive seen in a game so far since it reaches past the character youre playing to you, the player. highly recommend to play the mode where the monsters dont kill you. i fucking hate frictional games' gameplay. its wretched stuff. plus the monsters are pretty cool lol i liked looking at them

star wars knights of the old republic 1 & 2 - $3.49 : these games are worth exactly this much. the first one is one of the stupidest games ive ever played in my entire life and i dont think ive laughed so much. its like a b-movie in game form. its a riot, its just not good. the second one is made by obsidian and NEEDS!!! the patch!!!! to be a fully playable game. with the restored content its not half bad and the writing still drops into b-level territory delightfully.

[x0401x]

Violet Evergarden Short Story

Please feel free to message me about possible corrections. If you can, consider supporting the creators by purchasing the official releases. In case anyone is feeling generous: Ko-fi | PayPal. ( ╹◡╹)っ’･*

The ingredients that led me to my current self were:

A teaspoon of queen’s pride.

Two tablespoons of love for my husband, a one-sided feeling now required.

Plenty of tears shed in a forest capital where I had no supporters.

Mix the tear batter with the stubbornness of a princess from the country of white camellias, then put it in the oven. Once it bakes until it becomes tough enough to give one a hard time cutting it even with a knife, it is done. No one can tear a bite off it so easily.

My adult self was reborn this way.

But then, what about her? I wondered what kind of adult my favorite girl was by now.

Just as I was curious about this, good news arrived.

   The Queen and the Auto-Memories Doll

   The marauder came around the time when the red roses were in full bloom.

Said doll, whose lustrous golden hair fluttered in the wind, had jewel-like blue eyes that nailed people down. A dignified young woman, intimidated by nothing. That was the kind of marauder she was.

If I were to talk about my relationship with her, it would be a long story. If I were to explain it leaving out the many stories that happened between us, I would probably say that she was a key figure who became the mediator of my love story in the past, as well as an Auto-Memories Doll engaged in the ghostwriting business at a certain famous postal company.

Although she was the kind of girl who seemed like she could live in solitude forever, she was different when she appeared before me.

“It has been a while, Lady Charlotte.”

I had invited her into our kingdom as a guest of honor because I heard that she was taking a long vacation and traveling around the world – so the passage of time could change people this much.

“I will rush to anywhere that my clients desire...”

The girl, who used to be so ephemeral in the past, had grown up and brought a man to accompany her on the journey, so was it not fitting to call her a marauder? At the very least, she had opened an air hole in my unchangeable royal palace life.

“No, pardon me. This is Violet Evergarden on break from duty, Your Majesty, Queen Charlotte.”

I whispered with the dignified gaze and voice tone of a queen, “It’s been a long time, ghostwriter. No... Violet. Thanks for coming even though you’re on vacation.” I then fixed my stare on the man standing next to Violet.

My adorable ghostwriter possessed a beauty that shone distinctly even in within the palace, which congregated fine-looking women. Therefore, it would not be strange at all if she eventually had a deep relationship with some gentleman, but by no means could I tell if he had that sort of relationship with her.

He greeted me after Violet. Apparently, his name was Gilbert Bougainvillea.

“What’s the relationship between you two?”

As I asked straight to the point, Violet and Gilbert looked at each other’s faces.

Violet then opened her mouth, “He is my former superior officer.”

“So you are related through work.”

“Yes, but I am no longer registered in the military, so maybe I should say that he is my benefactor, whom I am on close terms with nowadays...”

“So you’re close to your benefactor... enough to go on a trip with him, huh.”

“Well...”

Perhaps unable to precisely define her relationship with him, Violet fell silent. But from this, I was able to catch the glimpse of a womanly shyness that I had the feeling I had gone through before.

“The word ‘benefactor’ alone indeed does not cover it.”

“Dear me.”

“I would like to use a more suitable word if there was any, but even I, who work with ghostwriting, do not know an appropriate term for it...”

“Hum, Violet, I’m sorry.”

“‘Reverence’ is not enough and ‘adoration’ might be too trivial...”

“I’m sorry; you can stop there. He’s also embarrassed. You don’t want other people to ask too much about those things, right? It’s under development, isn’t it?”

He smiled, seeming a bit awkward. He was an adult man but looked slightly childish when smiling.

——Isn’t he a fine man?

Hair the color of dusk, blessed physique and virile facial traits. There was some elegance in him. His looks had a male allure that was capable of exhilarating the courtiers of the palace.

——Such a pretty emerald iris.

He was a stunning man. The look in his eye was grievous and had a darkness to it. A mysterious man with an eyepatch. The hardships that he had been burdened with until now oozed out of him. His scent was different from the one of the palace’s knights, but I could feel a similar air coming from him. His build seemed reliable, which looked even more remarkable as he stood next to Violet. I wondered if he had not been quite the pretty boy in his younger years.

He appeared to be apart from Violet in age. I suddenly recalled that I had asked her in the past about what she thought of age gaps between men and women.

——Did she not say no back then because of her relationship with him?

I had many guesses, but I did not voice any of them. I was an adult now.

“Erm, there was an introduction before you came into the room, but I’m going to introduce myself again. I am Charlotte Abelfreya Fluegel. The queen of this country.”

I was Charlotte Abelfreya Drossel before. My lips were finally used to the greeting ever since my name had changed. Even so, I did not want Violet to call me a queen.

“Violet, you put the title of honor ‘Your Majesty the queen’ on me earlier, but you can refer to me in the same way as before. I want you to do that.”

“Is that not disrespectful?”

“It isn’t. I’m asking for it, after all.”

Silence.

“I will punish anyone who opposes to this. Got it, Violet?”

“Yes, Lady Charlotte.”

Right, that was better. After all, when you called me that, I could feel as if I had returned to the times when I was in my homeland where white camellias bloomed. I asked the same thing out of Mr. Bougainvillea, but he refused it due to it being discourteous. Well, this was our first meeting, so maybe there was no helping it.

   After that, Violet and I were left on our own. Mr. Bougainvillea took his leave, saying that we must have had things to talk about. I also drove all of the ladies-in-waiting out of the reception room and was at last actually able to breathe.

The suffocation I felt from my daily life in the royal palace did not come only from wearing a corset. When I thought that there were no longer any stares keeping watch on us, I made merry like a little girl.

“Violet.”

“Yes, Lady Charlotte.”

“Violet, Violet! You’ve become an adult, huh!”

“Yes, Lady Charlotte.”

We had first met when we were both girls, so when we reunited, I could feel as if we had gone back to those days. But I did not know if she, who was always expressionless, was happy about it, yet just when I thought this, Violet’s lips were faintly forming an arc.

——My, she laughed.

Much too surprised, I forgot about conducting myself like a queen and opened my mouth wide. “Violet! You...!” I touched her cheeks with both of my hands.

I should not be doing something like that to her, as she was a lady and no longer a girl, but I felt like confirming if such a natural smile was not my hallucination. I kneaded her cheeks pliably. Violet let me do as I pleased.

“Lady—Char—lotte—” Violet spoke, sounding like having her cheeks kneaded was inconvenient.

——How soft; so you had such soft cheeks? No, more importantly...

“Wh-Wh-What’s gotten into you? You’re the one who pinched your cheeks saying you couldn’t smile that one time!”

���My per—formance has im—proved.”

At first, I could not catch what she was saying very well. “My performance has improved”. After ruminating for the words in my head, I finally understood it.

“Huhu—hahaha!”

This mood. This sensation that almost felt like a toy doll was talking to me. I could actually feel that, yes, Violet was indeed in front of me.

Overjoyed, I let out a high-pitched laughter, just like a little girl. Then, I took Violet’s hand. I squeezed it tight, putting into it my sentiment of deep affection for her, the possessor of mechanical arms. “Hey, I’m truly happy to see you. Have you been doing well?”

“Yes. Lady Charlotte, you also appear to be in good health.”

“I became a bit of an adult too, right? How do I look?”

“Yes, you have become an adult woman.”

When I said that I was currently pregnant, Violet blinked, and then told me to “please sit down”. Her attitude was as if she were protecting me almost like a knight. But I shook my head. I invited her to a stroll. Once I told her that walking a little was best for a mother’s body, as expected, she offered her arm in a knightly manner and escorted me.

That part of her had not changed.

“My husband is in the middle of government affairs, but you should be able to see him tonight.”

As there was also the fact that I was carrying the child of King Fluegel, I had changed residences from the royal palace and was resting in the royal villa for now. A garden spread out outside of the villa, which was a good place for a walk.

In Fluegel, nicknamed the Forest Kingdom, both the royal palace and the land surrounding it were enclosed by trees and green meadows. The garden also had a feel unlike that of Drossel, its atmosphere somewhat idyllic. If I were to describe just the environment, I would say that it was a nice place for children.

“A dinner party... is too ceremonious, so I’m thinking of just having a banquet in the royal villa. You’ll stay over, right? I also want you to meet Lord Damian...”

Violet’s eyes went left and right, as if searching for vestiges of Mr. Bougainvillea, who was nowhere to be found. “If that person says it is all right...”

He was supposed to be having a tour around the palace’s interior with the chamberlain by now. I had told the latter to convince him to agree, so there would likely be no problem. The chamberlain was a capable person.

“Please. Just one day is fine. One day is fine, so... Violet, I want to spend it with you.”

“Will you not be bored in my company?”

“No way. If I were, I wouldn’t have told you to ‘come here because I want to see you’.”

“Are you still unused to life here?”

“Yeah, I have clashes from the smallest to the biggest things. It’s gotten better in comparison to the beginning of my marriage, but in the end, I’m all alone in this country. It’s probably hard for you to understand how happy it makes me to be able to see a face I know... but I’m really glad.”

Hearing these words, Violet made a face that looked like she was giving it a thought. “Will you not summon Madam Alberta?”

Alberta was the woman who had influenced my life the most – the courtier who had acted as my foster mother. She was also in the position of chief of the ladies-in-waiting, so she could not go so easily to the princess who had married off to a different country.

“I’d like to. Lord Damian is making sure that she’ll come if my child is born safely. After fulfilling my role as a queen, I can finally... finally ask for what I want.”

“So it could be said that the more valuable the person’s circumstances, the more inconveniences they face.”

“Yeah. Besides, Alberta probably doesn’t want to be away from her country...”

“It did not seem like it to me. Though this is my own speculation.”

“Is that true...? Hey, speaking of which, you were in Drossel before coming here, right? Why did you go see Alberta before coming to me? Was it a geographic issue? Did you have plans to come here?”

“No, we did not have plans to come to Fluegel.”

My mouth distorted. Were my feelings unilateral? That was what I thought, but as she added, “It would be a problem if civilians carefreely came to visit someone from the royal family”, I was at a loss for words. It was just as Violet said.

She said with a face that feigned ignorance at my complicated maiden heart, “In a way, there is a reason. Madam Alberta once interceded for me to take the job of private tutor of a certain lady from the nobility, so I also went to the royal palace in order to report it to her.”

“My, you’d started doing that kind of work?”

“No... she... that person was an exception.” Perhaps remembering this person, Violet looked into the distance for a bit and then closed her eyes. “After that, too, she would introduce jobs to me whenever possible... so my company’s president also told me to express my gratitude if I ever had a chance to see her. Even if I had not... I wanted to show Major – my companion – the beauty of that country.”

“Is that so...? I’m happy. The beauty of my country is my pride.”

“Yes. I could not have thought that we would come here as per Madam Alberta’s arrangement.”

“S-Sorry.”

The courtier Alberta was once my wet nurse, and to Violet, she was a work intermediator. Alberta had persuaded Violet, saying that, since she had come nearby, she probably wanted to see me.

Having received the news about Violet’s visit from Drossel, I had sent a carriage from Fluegel to pick her up without thinking about her convenience. As a result, I had hindered the vacation that this much-demanded Auto-Memories Doll probably was finally able to have... as well as the time that she was getting to spend with her significant other.

Calling her over in a way that bordered forcefulness might be an arrogant conduct coming from the royal family.

“Violet... did you not want to come to Fluegel?”

“That is not the case.”

“Really...?”

“Yes; it is the country that Lady Charlotte married off to, after all. I had interest in it.”

“Thank you... I’m not free, so... I can’t go anywhere on my own... I had no choice but to bring you here.”

As I said this, Violet nodded with an “I am aware”.

   Afterwards, we talked about what happened in the meantime that we had not seen each other. About how Lord Damian and I were able to properly fall in love with each other after marrying. About how Violet had managed, through ups and downs, to find the most beloved master that she had been looking for. About the fact that he was Mr. Gilbert. About her wish for two of them, in the life that they would have from now onward, to go to the countries that she had visited as an Auto-Memories Doll, because she wanted him to become acquainted with them as well, even if it took some time. We talked about such things quiet and lightly.

I was so happy for being able to have this kind of conversation with her that I could not help myself.

“Speaking of which, Lady Charlotte, it seems you are funding an orphanage.”

“You think it’s hypocritical of me?”

“No. To tell the truth, a girl who is being taken care of over there is supposed to work with us in the future.”

“Eh, is that so? I... built that orphanage because I was influenced by you.”

We opened our eyes wide at each other’s information, hearts pounding, and then broke into giggles.

Aah, when was the last time that I had been so free of wariness with someone? It was really fun. How many more times would I get to see her like this?

“By the way, how’s the Auto-Memories Doll that was with Lord Damian during the Public Love Letters doing?”

Even though we had barely just started chatting, I suddenly thought about that. It was a bad habit of mine. I was quick to picture the end of things.

“She is doing well. It seems she is... always having fights with her lover, but...”

Life was short. Many things passed in a blink of eye.

“Is that okay?”

I spent my time burying down the intervals in which I could not see her.

“It is. Our company is the same as ever. Everyone is doing fine.”

Even so, we could not be together forever.

We would spend time together today and tomorrow, and once we parted, there was a possibility that we would never meet again. After all, I was a queen and Violet was an Auto-Memories Doll. A woman who could go nowhere and a woman who could go anywhere. As one would expect, our social positions were different.

——Aah, Charlotte, stop thinking, I reprimanded myself. Although this moment was unbearably fun, I was conscious of its end, which caused my chest to tighten somewhat.

I was together with Violet in the time when red roses blossomed. The hours we spent talking in the garden would probably become irreplaceable to me. I might recall it over and over.

——This might not be the case for Violet, though.

Friendships could also be unrequited. That was exactly why this moment was both too happy and too painful.

“Lady Charlotte.”

Having my name called, I frantically raised the corners of my mouth, which had gone down before I realized. A queen had to be always smiling elegantly, as to not make the subjects uneasy.

“Wh-What is it?”

Even though I excelled at faking a smile, for some reason, I could not do it properly right now.

“What is the matter?”

I would end up accidentally showing her my original, anxious self when she was in front of me.

“Nothing; it’s just that my heart is filled to the brim.”

Being overcome with emotion at the irreplaceable “present” out of the blue in the middle of a conversation and feeling sad about it was incomprehensible and nothing but a bother to the other person.

“I simply... thought that I was indeed lonely.”

Violet. I might be no more than a character that had not even amounted to a single page of your life.

“I really wanted to see you.”

But you had played a huge role in mine, so you would always be in my heart.

“Because I’d been remembering the things you said to me whenever I was having a hard time.”

Whenever I was sad and about to burst into tears, your face would appear in my heart and you would speak to me.

“Weird, isn’t it? If you think about it, we aren’t that close. I’m just a client to you anyways. Just one person in a crowd. But...”

But I had never forgotten the things you had done for me.

“But, y’know...”

You had supported my love. Allowed me to be selfish. Told me that I was a crybaby. You were the only girl about as old as me that I could be myself when interacting with.

“But...”

To me, you were my girlhood itself. A symbol of the time when I lived in Drossel, fell in love and was simply Charlotte. It was almost as if I were embracing my child self.

Could you tell? My chest was hurting a lot. What a pain. Why did people become like that when growing up?

“I like you.”

Why did we think that these moments in which we became weak were so bad?

“Lady Charlotte...”

In that instant, Violet came closer, and just when I wondered if she was going to kiss me, she reached out a hand.

“‘I want to stop your tears’.”

And then, the tip of her finger scooped a drop of the tears that were about to overflow.

“If I am certain, I had once told you this, Lady Charlotte.”

I was a bit dumbfounded. I did not think she still remembered that.

“Are you still a crybaby...?”

When she gently asked me that, I felt like one more tear would leak. I suppressed my eyes in a panic. “No way I’d be. I’m a queen already.”

“Yes.”

“I have Lord Damian too. I’m his wife.”

“Yes.”

“I’ve become strong. I... got a bit weak just now, but it was a temporary thing.”

“Yes, I am aware.”

Aah, you. Violet.

“Lady Charlotte, if you like...”

You were extremely insensitive sometimes.

“...if you ever have a chance to travel to Leidenschaftlich...”

And cruel.

“...by all means, do call me. I will hasten to join you.”

But kind enough to make me cry.

“I want to show you that city one day...”

You had no idea that you were saving me with your casual statements.

Before I noticed, Violet was offering me a handkerchief. I accepted it, and while hiding my crying face but making at least my voice sound all right, I said, “I’ll go; I’ll definitely go there one day. And when I do, show me around!”

Violet replied, “Yes” with a tone that indicated she was probably smiling.

“Definitely.”

Surely, even if I managed to meet Violet again someday, the same thing would happen. It was precisely because we could not see each other that I would be both happy and pained once I managed to see her.

“Of course. If it suits you, I can draw up a written oath... Ah, Lady Charlotte. Major is back.”

The contents of our conversations had changed from before. We were no longer talking about one-sided love letters. I would not sulk or curl up on my bed in front of her.

“No way; I can’t show him a face like this.”

Still, it did not matter how many years passed.

“You look beautiful.”

It was not as if my feelings would be gone.

——We were able to meet today like that. Even if we part ways tomorrow, you’ll surely be on a voyage somewhere around the world.

“Aren’t my eyes red?”

“No, Lady Charlotte.”

When I thought about that, I started looking forward to it. Should I try to write her a letter telling her that I wanted to see her by the time that the tales of our journeys had piled up?

“Your Majesty, may I also join Violet?”

“Of course; here, sit down.”

I had already decided on an opening phrase for it.

“Major, I was told a wonderful story. Is it all right to talk about it?”

“Aah, tell me, Violet.”

“The orphanage that Lady Charlotte built is...”

   Dear Ms. Violet Evergarden, Are you doing well?

I want to see you.

[nonbinaryshotgunman]

approaches cautiously

so I would like a platonic matchup 👀 i know you have a basic understanding of my personality but here's some things ab me:

I act very ,,, chaotic, I guess you could call it, at times

But most of the time I'm as caring as can be

AGGRESSIVE LOVE !!!! if someone hasn't eaten all day? mf they're gonna eat.

super curly brown hair :D

I love baking stuff, drawing, playing video games, and writing :]

I specifically like games with puzzles like tloz

Seeing people give positive feedback about my stuff makes me so happy

I get distractable at times, and I'm very forgetful of where I place my stuff

I occasionally talk to myself to distract myself from awkward stuff or distressing situatuons

I'll usually talk with other objects or animals even if they can't understand me

Empathetic. Very very empathetic

Compassionate as well

Im basically kindness wrapped into a bundle of chaos

Not many things get me mad but when I do get mad I get violent and I really dislike it

Omnivert, I'm an introvert or extrovert depending on the situation

I adjust my personality to fit whoever I'm talking to, but my overall personality is very motherly

I mf LOVE THE COLOR INDIGO

Physical affection is my top love language, if someone needs platonic cuddles I will provide

hmm thats all I can think of so there ya go! I'll take anyone you offer <3 have fun !

⚡I match you with...⚡

Hank!

- You met Hank before Nevada went to hell. He was appreciative of your empathetic nature, and quickly warmed up to you. You two became friends. He was prickly on the outside but you'd unlocked a soft spot in him.

- One day you got a note from him.

- "I fucked up bad. I wanna thank you for being there for me, I'll try to get in touch once this all blows over, ok? Thanks for being a friend. - Hank"

- Mere days later the improbability drives are set off. It's a long, long time before you see Hank again.

- While looting an abandoned warehouse for supplies you hear chatter. At first, you expect trouble, but then, you see him. He's almost unrecognizable but you'd know that voice and stance anywhere. So different yet still the same.

- "... Hank?"

- "<Y/N?>"

- Man oh man is it a happy reunion!

- Hank isn't that good at taking care of himself, so he'd appreciate your insistence on him doing so, even if he doesn't know how to show it.

- Hank loves watching you play video games, and he plays some himself! While he boasts about playing games like Hatred and Postal, he's actually never touched a copy of either, his favorite games are all soothing ones, like Animal Crossing, Nintendogs, or Bugsnax.

- He thinks it's super endearing when you talk to yourself or objects/animals.

- And did you say platonic cuddles? Because this dude needs platonic cuddles.

- He MELTS into any affection you give him. Feel free to tease him for it, he knows hes a dork. He's just happy to have the good snuggles yea?

⚡I hope thiz iz to your liking!!!⚡

[pianjeong]

Abby tell me about pianjeong when JJ defected,,,, the angst

:( here is the first part of the promised angst.... i literally wrote almost 1k for this ask so i rlly hope the keep reading works (also i’m going to make this canon to spark from a flame bc self promo time)

so bc piandao was army and jj was navy they aren’t actually in the same place a lot of the time so there are a lot of letters and jj occasionally abusing his power to show up wherever piandao is posted

but then. the letters stop coming. (does the fire nation postal service send return addresses? do they bounce back? much to think about. support the usps pls) and soon enough people are whispering that the admiral deserted and piandao is just. shocked. not even bc he did it but bc he never said anything about it and he reads the last letter a lot bc what went wrong was he already thinking about leaving when he wrote that...doesn’t he know piandao would’ve come with him if he asked? he doesn’t hold very much love for the army anyway-

and it’s like. the world’s worst kept secret that piandao is dating jj except he can’t be associated with a deserter bc what if jj got to him too? bc he’s still sending letters just in case they can find him somewhere and his superior comes to him and is like hey. you can’t be doing that. we tolerated your association bc you weren’t breaking any regulations but this is toeing the line of treason and we won’t be so lenient next time.

so he has to cut all contact - not that there was any at that point but now he can’t even say his damn name - and people say the deserter, the traitor in the same way they used to say the admiral, the prodigy and piandao knows how much jj hated being called that. so sometimes when he’s alone and sure that no one can hear him, he just says his name aloud, because jj was always so much more than what people said about him and he’s still convinced that he had to have had a reason for doing what he did.

i think there isn’t that much anger there, not really, at least not past the initial stages and u kno, when it happens sometimes. the primary feelings are more of a confusion, and just. sadness. bc he knows that what they had was real and he doesn’t understand why jj didn’t say anything. and he can’t really...talk to anyone abt it (except lee but lee’s only one person and piandao’s like. im not gonna dump all of this on him)

and the real kicker is...jj did it to keep piandao safe, bc he knows that if he said anything piandao would’ve been right there next to him and he doesn’t want to put him in that situation. bc he knows that in any plausible situation he’ll be running for the rest of his life and he doesn’t want that over piandao’s head bc piandao had nothing to do with jj’s own mistakes and shouldn’t pay the price for his decisions. but he’s fully aware that he’s also hurting him by doing it this way and it just feeds into the circle of self-hate and gah my boy is having a bad time of it indeed.

maybe. after piandao finishes his mandatory service and isn’t tied to the military anymore he goes looking. think roadtrip...but Depressing. and there are Two (2) angst options here and i shall discuss both bc you gave me a platform and gdi i will Use It

so 1. he doesn’t find him. anywhere. it’s like he’s disappeared and somehow it’s worse than him being dead bc he just doesn’t know anything. he starts sending letters again now, maybe under a fake name so people don’t catch onto his identity, but still no response. and he locks himself up in his villa and he’s doing what he dreamed of, just vibing and making swords, but he isn’t happy there, not really.

and 2. he actually finds him; look if the gaang could do it so could he, he’s one of the few competent adults in the show. and when he does find him he looks so different like his hair’s gone all the way white (literally at what. 29?) and instead of his fun cloaks and tunics he just has his drab hermit outfit and he carries himself differently, like his admiral bearing but also Not At All. and it’s abundantly clear that his relationship with his bending is different he doesn’t fidget with flames anymore and it’s like he’s wound up all the time with the effort of keeping them back (bc i made him so connected to his bending in sfaf and i regret that bc it’s so depressing now)

and jj’s like what the FUCK are you doing here, you can’t be here you can’t be seen with me get out get out (a la aang but worse) and piandao’s like please...i just want to talk. and jj lashes out and gdi he’s still powerful and piandao’s never been scared of him, not really, but he thinks he might be right now. but he wouldn’t hurt him, would he? so he reaches out anyway but jj does burn him (like aang did katara), and screams for him to get out. and he leaves. because what else is there to do? (and that’s why the clearing in the deserter looks like that...bc jj burned the whole thing to the ground....)

lucy is an angel and sent me another ask abt the reunion so i shall continue there if y’all weren’t sufficiently depressed...sorry about this but it lives in my head rent free

[hopelikethemoon]

Freedom (Javier x Reader) {MTMF}

Title: Freedom  Rating: PG-13 Length: 3000 Warnings: None Notes: You can find everything about Maybe Today, Maybe Forever here. This is a Javier-less chapter, which is why I noted that this would be a very different type of update. This chapter is set in September of 1977, when Reader is 16. If you don’t know her backstory you can find info at the link above. If you want to know who I see as Mitch and Darla click on their names.  Summary: Reader finally escapes her situation.

@grapemama @seawhisperer @huliabitch @pedropascalito @rogrsnbarnes@thewallpapergoesorido @twomoonstwosuns @gooddaykate @livasaurasrex @ham4arrow@plexflexico @readsalot73 @hdlynn @lokiaddicted @randomness501 @fioccodineveautunnale  @roxypeanut @snivellusim @lukesrighthand @historynerd04 @mrsparknuts@synystersilenceinblacknwhite @behindmyeyes-insidemyhead @exrebelshocktrooper@awesomefandomsunited @ah-callie @swhiskeys @lady-tano @beskar-droids @space-floozy @cable-kenobi @cool-ultra-nerd @himbopoes @findhimfives @pedrosdoll @frietiemeloen@arrowswithwifi @random066 @uncomicalhumour @heather-lynn @domino-oh-damn​ @cyarikaaa @ahopelessromanticwritersworld​ @im-still-a-pieceofgarbage @ksgeekgirl  @yabby-girl​ @xqueenofthecraziesx @punkass-potato​ @coredrive​ @pascalesque@theduchessofkirkcaldy @queenquazar @sabinemorans @buckstaposition @holkaskrosnou@yespolkadotkitty @fleetwoodmactshirt @seeking-a-great–perhaps @kochamcie @jaime1110​

“You’ll have your own room,” Mitch explained, glancing at you out of the corner of his eyes. “That’ll be nice, right?”

You nodded your head slowly, rubbing at your forehead as you watched the outskirts of the city bleed into the towering office buildings and quaint streets lined with brownstones and historic homes. You had never been out of your hometown and Philadelphia seemed like a daunting change of pace. 

Your life up until this point had been confined to a perimeter that contained your house and school. 

“And you’ll never have to live through another one of those floods.” Mitch rambled — he’d rambled a lot since he had picked you up nearly four hours ago. “That had to be scary.”

You shrugged, picking at the hem of your tee. “Not the worst thing to happen to me.” You admitted, glancing out the window again. “My mom acted like the world was going to end because she couldn’t get out of the house. Like goddamn mom, people are dead.”

Mitch cleared his throat, “I’m not looking to parent you, but you know Darla and I have a Tate—“

“Shit.” You laughed quietly, covering your mouth. “I’ll try to curb the cussing.” 

“Thanks.” He nodded his head. “And you know Darla and I are here for you, if you ever need anything.”

“I’m not looking to be a burden, promise.” You told him, winding your finger through a lock of hair as you watched out the window. “You don’t even have to feed me.”

“I’m not going to let you go hungry.” Mitch gave you a look. “Come on now, kid.”

“I can cook!” You scrunched up your nose. “I just don’t want you or Darla to feel like I’m taking advantage of your hospitality.” The last thing you wanted was to become your mother. Leeching off other people. 

“You’re my sister.”

“We share a father,” You pointed out. “Be glad you don’t share my mother.”

“Dad told me plenty of stories.” Mitch grimaced, “I don’t know how you made it out of there in one piece, kid.”

“I might have nine toes. I haven’t counted lately.” You snorted, “Think there’s a black market in toes for coke?”

“Jesus Christ.” He grimaced, before quickly changing the subject. “That’s the school you’ll be going to.”

You peered out the window at the school, “Better than Richland.”

“It’s where Darla went. It’s a great preparatory school for girls.”

“An all-girls school?” You groaned, crossing your arms across your chest. 

“You're more likely to get a scholarship there.”

“Fine.” You couldn’t pass up an opportunity like that. You still had the two and a half years of school to finish before you could think about college — but a scholarship would help. “I don’t need any distractions anyways.”

Mitch gave you a curious look, “Kid, you’re allowed to be a teen, you know. Don’t hold back from living just because you’re staying with us.”

“It’s not that,” You chewed on the inside of your cheek. “I’ve never really been a kid or whatever. I don’t plan on regressing just because I don’t have to deal with the witch.”

“Dad always said you were wise beyond your years,” Mitch remarked, turning down Chestnut Street and parking the car in front of a gorgeous brick townhome. 

“You live here?”

“Darla’s folks gifted it to her when they moved out west,” Mitch explained to you as he put the car in park.

“Oh so, rich-rich.” You gave him an amused look. “Looking at you, pitching out of your league.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah.” Mitch rolled his eyes, climbing out of the car and shutting the car door behind him. 

You climbed out of the car, moving around to the trunk as he unlocked it. “I really do appreciate this, Mitch. I’ll do whatever you guys need me to do. Vacuuming, dishes, I’ll even babysit — I can’t promise I’m good.” 

“Kid, you’re family not the new nanny.”

“New?”

“We’re in-between currently.”

“Jesus.” You whistled. “Well, I promise not to bring the property value down. It’ll be like I’m not even there. Promise.”

Mitch shook his head, “I look forward to you warming up to us. This can be your home, kid. You don’t have to act like a visitor.”

You shrugged your shoulders as you slung your duffel bag over your shoulder. “I tried the ‘home’ thing, but dad’s dead... so.” 

“I’m just saying, you can put down roots.” Mitch pulled the cardboard box out of the trunk, before he started up the stairs to the townhouse. Darla must’ve been waiting just behind the door, because she swung it open the second your feet hit the stop.

“Look at you!” Darla grinned broadly at you, “You’ve shot up like a weed since the wedding.”

“We saw each other at the funeral,” You reminded her with an awkward laugh, tucking your hair behind your ear as you warily looked around their house. “But thanks.”

Mitch was about thirteen years older than you. You had seen him only a handful of times over the course of your life. His mother, Patrice, had always been kind to you — your father and Patrice were the type of divorced parents you’d wished your own mother had been. They were still friends, up until his death. 

Before the funeral, the last time you had seen Mitch was at his wedding. He’d wanted you to actually be part of the wedding, but someone had gone postal at the thought of someone else’s family liking you. You were also only ten — what could you do about anything?

“Tate, sweetheart, this is your aunt.” Darla crouched down beside the little boy. “Say hello.”

“Hello!”

“Hi, Tate.” You smiled at him. “And how old are you?”

“Almost six.” He beamed, “Do you like cars?”

You shrugged, “They get you from point a to point b.”

“He’s been collecting Hot Wheels.” Mitch explained to you, “I’m sure he’ll show you his collection.”

Tate nodded excitedly. “Do you wanna see them now?”

“Oh—“

Mitch ruffled Tate’s hair, “Actually buddy, I’m sure your aunt would love to see them, but we need to get her unpacked. Alright?”

You glanced at Mitch before looking back to Tate, “You can show me after dinner.”

“Why don’t you go play out back?” Darla suggested, sending Tate down the hallway. “He’s been so excited about having someone to play with.”

“I see.” You nodded, your eyes flickering around the entryway, back towards the living room area. It was different to see a house that was put together. They had nice pieces of furniture and none of them were broken or unusually stained. 

Mitch cleared his throat, “If you want to, of course. Six-year-old boys can be quite rambunctious.”

You offered a strained smile, “I’m happy to help, like I said.” 

“Do you need help with anything from the car?” Darla questioned, clasping her hands together. “That can’t be all you broug—“

Mitch made a gesture to silence her, which you caught out of the corner of your eyes and you couldn’t help but laugh. 

“This is all I have,” You gestured between your duffel bag and the box he held. “I promised I wouldn’t take up too much room.”

“Speaking of your room,” Darla grinned at you. “I hope you don’t hate purple. I went a little overboard once Mitch brought up you moving in.”

She led you up a flight of stairs lined with family pictures, which led to a hallway of bedrooms. 

“Ours is at the end of the hall, beside Tate’s. You’re over here.” Mitch explained, pushing open the doorway that led to a bedroom that was at least double what your room had been before.

“Wow.” You breathed out as you stepped inside, holding your duffel bag close to you as you looked around. “Guys, I told you I didn’t need much, this feels…”

“Homey?” Darla questioned. “That’s what I was going for.”

You put on a smile as you nodded your head. You knew you had to be grateful. Mitch didn’t have to give you a place to live. Sure, your dad had wanted it, but that didn’t mean he had to. 

You were emancipated from your mother now, you could go anywhere — live…. anywhere. Realistically, you had three options; your mother’s, Mitch’s, or the street. 

“Homey… is a great word.” You threw your duffle bag down on the foot of the bed, watching as Mitch sat the cardboard box with your few personal items down on the floor. 

“You’ll be starting at Girls’ High next week.” Darla explained. “We can go shopping for your uniform this weekend. That’ll give you a few days to settle into your new life here.”

“Thank you,” You told her with a slightly more sincere smile. “Thank you both.”

Mitch scratched at the back of his neck, “Yeah, well, it’s what dad would’ve wanted.”

“I miss him.”

“Me too.” He nodded. “Alright, well we will give you a chance to settle in. Dinner is usually around six.”

Darla smiled at you, “No pressure. You can join us or I can bring a plate up. I know things have been a bit chaotic for you.”

You tucked your hair behind your ears and nodded, “You don’t have to make dinner for me. I would be happy with a cheese sandwich.”

She shook her head, “I won’t hear of that. I’ll bring it up to you. How’s that sound?”

“Good.” You kicked off your shoes and sank down on the side of your bed. It was a real bed. Matching sheets, a mattress topper, and nice metal headboard. 

It looked new, which really was a novelty. 

You waited until Mitch and Darla could be heard walking down the steps, before you sank back on the bed and finally relaxed. 

You didn’t know how long it would take you to really be relaxed. Being on edge had kept you alive this long. But it was a feat not to give into the urge to grab the chair that sat at the vanity and wedge it under the doorknob. 

You covered your face with your hands, letting out a heavy sigh as you let the reality of your new life settle in. 

Next week would mark a new beginning. A new school, a new chance to be someone. You weren’t beholden to anyone but yourself now. If you failed, it was your own fault. You weren’t trapped under the shadow of your mother. 

Though, the thought of having to wear a uniform until you graduated sounded like bullshit. 

You pushed yourself back upright, looking around the room for the folder you’d spotted sitting on the vanity. You climbed off the bed to retrieve the fold. It was white and yellow, with the school seal set in the center. Darla had clearly gone to great lengths filling everything out for you — the forms were mostly filled in, save for your name and signature where it was necessary. 

Apparently, you had just missed the father-daughter dance. 

You closed the folder and sat it back on the vanity, before you retreated back to the bed to collect the cardboard box. You didn’t have much to unpack. 

A framed picture of you and your father that had spent the better part of its existence hidden from your mother’s sight; the trophy you won freshman year for the science fair; three of your favorite books; and bedside alarm clock. 

Aside from that, you had only taken the clothes you wore most often, not even bothering to worry about other seasons. You had enough money to buy new clothes in the winter. 

And with uniforms for school — you didn’t have to worry about other classmates judging you for repeating outfits. 

School was just a means to an end. Get good grades, get a scholarship, and do something worthwhile. Something that would actually help someone. 

Your mother had screamed at you that you were worthless — that you would never amount to anything because you were ungrateful — more times than you cared to recall. You had to prove her wrong. One day, she’d see that her daughter had amounted to something. Not because of her, but in spite of her. 

 ——

 “How did you sleep last night?” Darla questioned as you joined her in the kitchen, sitting down at the kitchen table across from Tate. 

“The bed was super comfortable,” You offered, preferring not to tell her that you hadn’t slept at all. Though there were bags under your eyes that told a different story.

You had slept for an hour — maybe two. You couldn’t relax, despite how hard you had tried. You had gone to sleep on a comfortable bed, with clean sheets, and a full stomach, but sleep just didn’t come to you. 

The only reason you slept at all was because you had gotten up and put the chair in front of the door. The house was quiet — there were no addicts down the hall getting high, no yelling, no chaos, but your mind told you there could be. 

Darla sat a glass of juice down in front of you, “Do you drink coffee?”

“Yeah,” You nodded, taking a sip of the juice. “Cream and sugar if you don’t mind.”

“Sweetheart, I don’t mind at all. I know you think you’re a burden to us, but I’m happy to have you here. Really.”

“I don’t want to be a charity case.” You told her, taking another sip of your juice as Mitch walked down the stairs and joined all of you in the kitchen. 

“Well, you’re not one. So don’t worry.”

“Hey, kid.” Mitch gave your shoulder a pat as he walked past the table. “Didn’t know if you’d come down.”

You shrugged, “The smell of coffee was too strong of a temptation.” 

“Do you have plans for the day?” He questioned as he poured himself a cup of coffee. 

Tate rolled one of his model cars across the table to you and you turned it around and rolled it back. 

“I thought I might check out a book shop we passed yesterday. What does a normal Monday look like for you?”

“I’ve got work,” Mitch explained before gesturing to Darla. “She’s got her committees.”

“Committees?”

“I’m on the board of the Philadelphia Museum of Art,” Darla offered. “And the Daughters of the American Revolution.”

“Don’t forget the Trocadero,” Mitch supplied, pressing a kiss to Darla’s cheek, before he circled back around to the table. “She’s very connected to the art scene here in the city. If you have any interest in the arts, I’m sure she can find you a job or an internship.”

“I don’t know what I want to do,” You admitted, playing with the end of your braid as you stared down at the glass of juice in front of you. “I never thought I’d get out of Johnstown.”

“Hopefully you can figure that out,” Darla said as she handed you your cup of coffee. “I didn’t know what I wanted to do,” She told you, “But I found a passion for art in high school.”

“Does it pay well?”

“Oh,” Darla exchanged a look with Mitch. “Technically I’m a volunteer.”

“Ah.” You frowned. Given the house you were eating breakfast in and what Mitch had said last night — Darla had been born with a silver spoon in her mouth. “As nice as that sounds, I really need something somewhat lucrative.”

Mitch day down beside Tate, across from you, “You’ve got plenty of time to figure out what you want to be. Don’t grow up too fast.”

You smiled a little, “I’ll try not to.” You drummed your fingers against the side of your mug, “What do you do again, Mitch?”

“I’m a real estate broker.”

Your brows furrowed together, “I have no idea what that is.”

“I work for a real estate agency as a manager.” Mitch clarified, sipping at his coffee. “If you wanted to work in real estate, I could get you an internship.”

“I don’t know if I could sell houses,” You made a face. “I’m just going to focus on high school right now. Work on getting a scholarship.”

Tate rolled his car across the table again, “Do you like my car?”

You picked the car up and examined it, “I do. It’s very cool.” You rolled it back to him, glancing at Mitch. “I’m pretty self-sufficient. I'm sure I’ll figure out what my life’s calling is.”

“Philadelphia has so much going on. It’s very up-and-coming in areas.” Darla told you. “You could make a whole life for yourself here in the city.”

“Maybe.” You took a sip of coffee then. Now that you were free — there was a whole world of possibilities. You didn’t have to stay in Pennsylvania for the rest of your life. 

You could go anywhere, be anything, make a name for yourself. 

Mitch and his little family were great, but you didn’t feel any attachment to them. You didn’t feel any attachment to much of anything, frankly. Maybe you were broken. Maybe you’d been through so much shit with your mother, that you’d just shut down emotionally. 

You knew what love was; you even knew what home and family was supposed to feel like, but you weren’t sure you had it in you to feel those things. It was like falling asleep on your hand — you could feel touch, but it didn’t feel real. 

Maybe that’s what your mother felt. Maybe Rebecca was the way she was because there was a big black hole where her heart was supposed to be. 

But you weren’t going to let yourself become her. Maybe one day you could feel something. 

Wouldn’t that be something? 

[route22ny]

On Tuesday, I received an absentee ballot. It was the second absentee ballot I had received from the New York City Board of Elections in two weeks. I had filled out, completed, and mailed back the first ballot. Now I was holding another one that also had my name on it. After speaking to a Board of Elections representative on the phone, I was told to fill out this second ballot, too, because the first one no longer counted.

If you live in New York City, you might already know why this happened. The contractor screwed up printing the first ones, sending secrecy envelopes with the wrong names on them. As it happened, my first ballot was not one of the screwed up ones—I was aware of the problem and had checked to make sure before filling it out—but the BOE decided to send everyone in Brooklyn a new ballot regardless.

This is hardly the first time the New York City Board of Elections messed up and I highly doubt it will be the last. But in this case, the latest screw-up was the final nudge I needed to push me over the edge. I am not going to vote by mail. I'm voting in person on Election Day. And I really think most of you should, too.

When we started this project, a lot of us thought the USPS would be a potential weak link in the voting-by-mail chain. This made sense at the time given the slowdowns implemented by Louis DeJoy and the agency's financial situation. But thanks to extensive public outcry and five separate federal judges issuing injunctions against the USPS from messing with election mail, I feel really good about the postal service delivering the overwhelmingly vast majority of ballots in a timely fashion to local election officials. There will, of course, be screw ups and small issues affecting a few dozen voters here and a few hundred voters there, but they will be nothing in comparison to the much larger systemic issues with mail-in voting in this country that have nothing to do with the ballot getting from place to place.

I am hardly the only one coming to this realization in recent weeks. Derek Thompson at The Atlantic had a great article about how voting in-person is much safer than we thought months ago while voting by mail has a number of issues in terms of having people's votes actually count. Democratic strategists around the country have been getting wise about the problem as well, shifting tactics to urge more people to vote in person.

Unfortunately, voting by mail seems like a process designed more to weed out ballots rather than count them. The rules vary by state, but generally speaking, the more fields voters have to fill out and the more rules they must comply with, the higher the rejection rate.

Some states like New York simply require a signature which needs to match the one the local election officials have on file. Young voters in particular are vulnerable to having their ballots rejected due to a signature not matching, a study by a voting non-profit in California found, because young people don't put much thought into creating a distinctive signature and refine it over time, exactly the kind of process that would get their ballot thrown out. Most young people's signatures are scribbles they make up to sign credit card receipts quickly. I, for one, can verify that I did not think about creating a unique identifier that would ensure my vote was counted when I came up with my John Hancock. As a helpful New York Times interactive demonstrated, it can be really challenging to match signatures if you don't know what you're doing. This is great for rejecting fraudulent ballots, but it means throwing out a lot of legitimate ones, too.

Back in June during the primaries, 80,000 ballots from New York City out of 400,000 were thrown out, about one out of every five ballots, a staggering toll of voter disenfranchisement. And voters were not notified of what they did wrong so they could correct it in future elections. It is a pretty shitty feeling sitting here with no idea whether my vote in the primary—which in NYC is the most important election for determining local candidates—was counted!

According to the Times, 28 states and DC will give aspiring voters a chance to "cure" ballots with problems (and the courts are generally friendly to these requirements on due process grounds). For the first time, New York will be one of those states this November. But, for my own voting purposes, I don't have a ton of faith in the Board of Elections to execute that process well, given that with the surge of mail-in voting we could be talking about millions of mail-in ballots in the city alone requiring hundreds of thousands of cures if not more.

And that is just regarding signatures. Three states, including the battlegrounds Wisconsin and North Carolina, require witnesses as well as signatures. In Wisconsin, witnesses are required to put in their address. According to an investigation by the non-profit news organization Reveal, 13,834 ballots were thrown out in the Wisconsin primaries because some fields on the witness form were not filled out properly, a number that is sure to increase in the general election with its higher turnout. The voters weren't notified or given a chance to correct them, nor will they be allowed to in November.

All of this would be a regrettable reality if the health risk of voting in-person was quite high. But for most people, it simply isn't. As Thompson noted, other countries have held nationwide elections with in-person voting without tracing any outbreaks to the voting booths, nor have any outbreaks been traced back to primary voting. As long as people generally behave themselves and wear masks, the voting booth ought to be no more dangerous from a pandemic standpoint than the grocery store check-out line.

That being said, I am still a huge proponent of universal vote-by-mail as a concept every state should strive towards. People in states that have had that in place for years such as Washington, Utah, and Colorado should absolutely continue to vote by mail if they prefer. Those states have experience with high volumes of vote-by-mail, signature verification, and robust methods for allowing voters to cure ballots. It is the states like New York, Ohio, and Texas that have suddenly implemented expanded and complicated vote-by-mail procedures I'm worried about. And, of course, if you have pre-existing health issues that make even going to the grocery store or the voting booth an uncomfortable prospect—or if you simply can never be bothered to vote in person but find vote-by-mail an acceptable middle ground—roll the dice with vote-by-mail. It's better than putting yourself at unnecessary risk or not voting at all.

But if you aren't sure what your signature looks like, aren't familiar with your state's vote-by-mail laws, or generally feel fine about voting in person as usual, it's something we should do. This is an extremely important election and I want to do everything in my power to ensure my vote counts. It turns out the USPS isn't a weak link in the vote-by-mail chain at all. In fact, it may be the strongest.

***

This Week In Mail

Americans generally agree on the post office. They overwhelmingly like the post office. And a new poll finds they support it being run like a public service and not a business by a two-to-one margin.

The courts are already playing an important role in this year's election. So far, that role has been to reject GOP claims of voter fraud in mail-in voting and generally uphold whatever election rules the state law requires, regardless of whether that law makes voting easier or harder.

Steve Hutkins at Save the Post Office reviewed documents from eleven lawsuits against the Postal Service to cobble together evidence that new management has a super aggressive plan to slash the number of work-hours after the election, which would likely hobble the post office and make current service levels impossible.

Despite the court injunctions and DeJoy's promises, service has not returned to its pre-DeJoy levels in some areas. Senator Bob Casey from New Jersey published evidence of first class mail backlogged by weeks.

Perhaps on a related note, the USPS is blocking elected officials from inspecting facilities claiming it's too close to the election, which as far as I can tell is a completely made-up reason. Previously, some facilities had scrambled to hide backlogged mail before elected officials showed up.

***

Subscribe to Aaron Gordon’s reporting on the USPS here

[littlebitoffanfic]

No Neighbours

Fandom: Original Works Relationship: Goblin (Erx)/reader Request: perhaps a goblin x reader but the goblins the same height as the humans just with the same facial features? I always love the librarian meets an author plot line

The library of your childhood village had always been your favourite place to go. When you were little, and lived with your parents, you loved the library and even when you moved to a different town, you were sure to visit the libraries. You could argue it was research, as you were a writer. You mainly wrote under another name, a male one, because you found it helped. You had only lived in this small village for 3 weeks, having just moved here after a dispute erupted in your last village that you simply didn’t want to be part of. The village was welcoming, to say the least. You had a small cottage in a quant lane with neighbours who seemed to spend most of their time in their garden, or chatting to each other. You had a sneaky suspicion that you wouldn’t be able to do anything without someone knowing, but luckily your childish days were behind you. The only exception to this seemed to be your neighbour to your left. A goblin, he seemed to be a breed of the ‘giant goblins’. They weren’t giants at all, but compared to their normal counterparts, they were about double the size, but still bore similar features. A normal goblin was about 3-4 foot tall, whereas your neighbour was about 6 foot tall. He had a long, crooked nose, grey/green skin and grey eyes. He wore a pair of spectacles that always sat perched on the edge of his nose and had jet black hair which was always in place. You assumed he was only in his early forties, as goblins aged quickly in their early years then live for a while without changing. He owned and solely ran the local library, unlike most of your retired neighbours. You had found out from Ms Little, a lovely Naga who would bring you apples from her trees, that his name was Erx Biddier. Unlike the others, he never came round and introduced himself to you. The other told you that he kept himself to himself, very rarely talking to them, but he had a good heart despite his constant scowl. That was why you put off going to the library to begin with. You didn’t want him to think you were stalking him. So you gave it some time before venturing out. You knew your way around the village fairly well now, and you had eyed the library well before now. Much like the rest of the village, the building was old, but had a lot of character in it. It stood almost as large as the church, with a few stone gargoyles on the very top of the building. Stepping inside, you couldn’t help but smile as you saw the rows upon rows of books. You were excited to see what gems you could find. Villages like this had lovely books, that had never left the town. There was a few desks in the centre of the library, with shelves of books around the outside with the back half of the library being dedicated purely to books. You all but walked right by the front desk, only having your attention caught by someone clearing their throat, rather annoyed. You turned back, seeing Erx sat behind a desk, looking at you over his glasses, a book open on the table. “Oh, sorry.” You apologised, walking back to the desk. “Is it possible to get a library card.” Erx shut his book and stood, turning away from you to go into a back room that was behind the desk. Part of you thought maybe he had just walked away from you. But after a few moments, he came out with a few bits of paper and a pen on a clipboard. “Fill this in.” He held out the clipboard to you, and you took it with smile. Of course, you had filled in these sorts of forms before. Glancing over it, your eyes landed on the address. “Do you really need by address?” You laughed a little, trying to make the atmosphere a little less tense. “Yes.” He grunted as he sat down, opening his book again and finding his place. You managed to stop yourself from sighing before walking up to the desks in the centre of the room. Sitting down, you scribbled down all your personal details, only pausing as you tried to remember your postal code. “1DH 349A” Erx spoke without looking up from his book, making you giggle as you scribbled it down. Once complete, you walked back up to the main desk and holding out the board. Erx glanced up at you over his glasses before taking the board. “Neat writing.” He commented, placing it down on the desk before pulling out some blank cards. “My mother always told me that she judges someone based on their handwriting.” You giggle fondly at the memory. “Shes not the only one.” He mumbles, writing out your name and the date on the card. You admired his own handwriting. Despite his long fingers that seemed to curl unnaturally around the pen, his handwriting was lovely. He handed you the card, and you took it with a smile before venturing into the library. You took a good 45 minutes before returning to the desk with 3 books in your hands. Erx looked up at you over his glasses, a twinkle of enjoyment flashed in his eyes as he glanced at the books in your hand. You couldn’t help but feel a spark in your chest. He was certainly handsome in his own right, and you wouldn’t deny you had noticed him when he was leaving and returning to his own home. He always dressed like a gentleman, with a suit and tie. As you left the library, you decided to nip into the show quickly. When you came out, you saw Erx closing up the library for the day. You thought about just heading straight home, but something about your early exchange left you craving his company. He had a sharp tongue and a witty mind, something which you enjoyed in conversation. So. you took a chance. “Hello.” You smiled as he descended the few steps that lead to the building. You paused at the bottom, waiting for him. “Did you get lost?” He looks at you over his glasses and seemed genuinely concerned. “No, I had to get some groceries.” You held up the small bag to confirm your reasoning for still being out. “ahh.” He hums, but you notice something. He moved his weight from foot to foot, almost as is he were nervous. “Although, im still not sure about my baring’s yet. Do you mind if I walk home with you?” You ask, lying through your teeth this time. You knew the town fairly well, and the way home was pretty straight forward, but it was a bit of a walk. “You’ll follow me whether I say yes or no.” He states, raising an eyebrow. “you got me.” You giggle and shrugging your shoulders. “Very well. But hurry up. It will rain soon, and I don’t need those books being returned damaged. Theres fines for that.” He gave you a harsh glare, but you saw right though him. Despite the glare, you saw the way his eyes lit up at the offer, or how quickly he raced to add about the books to make it seem as if that’s the only reason hes worried about the rain. you nod, and the two of you walk side by side. Erx holds his hands behind his back as he walks. There was a comfortable silence as you walked, one you didn’t want to break because it was nice. No forced conversation, no awkward small talk. As you approach your homes, you saw the curtains twitch of a neighbour. “Good evening, Miss [l/n].” Erx bows slightly. “Good night, Mr Biddier.” You return the words, keep the tone as formal as his. But as you start to continue your walk to your home, Erx pauses. “How did you know my name? I haven’t introduced himself to you.” He asks, a mixture of genuine concern and confusion in his eyes as you turn back to him. You panic, quickly deflecting his question back. “How did you know my name?” You ask. “Your form.” He raises an eyebrow at you, knowing he had you cornered. Feeling a little sheepish, you came to stand in front of him. “Ms Little told me.” You confessed. “I hadn’t met you and felt guilty not knowing who my neighbours were, so I asked her.” You added, not wanting to get her in trouble. “Well, some fault lies with me, I suppose. In any case, my first names Erx. Now, have we passed introductions? I am not like the others around here who still demand you call them by a title.” Erx showed no signs of irritation or annoyance for your snooping, instead offering a way forward. “Im [y/n].” You smile and nod. “I know.” Erx looks over his glasses at you, amusement in his eyes. “oh, the forms.” You cover your face with one hand out of embarrassment. “I’d better be getting home before you think me completely stupid.” “Do you know which ones your house?” He chuckles, and you feel it set your heart racing. “I think I have a 1 in 3 chance. If you hear screaming, assume I guessed wrong.” You fire back, eager to show him you could match his wit.

From then on, you grew close with Erx. you visited the library frequently, and he was more than happy to sit and discuss books for hours at a time. Only a few people seemed to visit the library each day, so you had him to yourself without feeling guilty of stealing him away from his work.  You found yourself reading books quicker, just so you could race back to him and discuss characters, plot points and themes. You noticed that you seemed to be the only person that Erx really spoke to. He greeted people as they passed him, and wasn’t mean to anyone. But you got the feeling that they somewhat annoyed him. Idle chitchat and small talk was something he seemed to loath, and you truly saw that when he started speaking about something he was passionate about, like books. One day, you went to replace your book. “Do you have any suggestions?” You call from the back of the library. By this point, you had discovered that he had quite the knowledge of most books there, and he seemed to know what you would enjoy. “hmm.” He stands from his desk. “There was one which I thoroughly enjoyed.” He walked past you before stopping and picking a book off the shelf which you instantly recognised. “Here we are.” As he holds it out to you, you couldn’t help but laugh. “Have you read it?” He asks, confused by your reaction. “Read it? I wrote it.” You take the book which had your pen name on the front and the title in golden letters. “You…” Erx trails off, looking at the book. “Yes, this is my pen name. anything with this name is mine.” You tap the name, looking up at Erx again. You saw a smile pulling at his lips, apparently impressed by your work. You felt your chest swell with pride at the thought of him reading and enjoying your books. You now held his options quite highly. “well, that is quite the turn of events.” He mumbled, looking back to the shelves. “Perhaps, I could ask about your next piece?” “I could do you one better. I’m about half way through. I normally ask my friends to read over what im doing just to make sure it all makes sense and whatnot. Perhaps, you could act as a proof-reader?” You cock your head to the side, stepping close so you were right by his side and nudging his arm a little. “I’d be honoured.” He grins with a nod.

You never could have predicted the turn your friendship would take with Erx. You would spend nearly every evening in his company, either had your or his. You much preferred his home. You were still kind of living out of boxes, while his was homely and warm. His book collection was vast, and he had his own personal library, compete with every one of your books so far. You signed every single one with a quote from books that you both enjoyed and your real name. But as you got closer and closer, you felt yourself yearning for him. You hated when you left him and would try and stay with him as long as possible. Not that he was pushing you out the door. You found yourself staying at his till late into the night, just talking or sitting together reading. You knew people were starting to speculate something was happening between you two. Ms Little had mentioned it while she was pouring tea. But you shrugged it off, saying you were just friends. But you were sure she could see you wanted more. One evening, you were round and noticed he seemed off. He couldn’t seem to settle, or was deep in thought. You tried to ask if he was okay, but he denied anything was wrong. “Its getting late.” He suddenly said, drawing you up from your book. You were sitting on the floor by his fire, your back against the couch while he sat in his armchair in his library. “Its only 7.” You frown, looking to the clock. You had come over to his at 6pm, so you hadn’t been here long at all. At least compared to your normal visits. “Its late, [y/n]. perhaps you should go home.” He says this time more pointedly. “Oh, okay.” You nodded, getting to your feet. “Is everything okay?” “No.” he answered, not looking at you. He stared at the fire, staying sitting. “I don’t think we should continue spending so much time together.” The words hit you like a ton a bricks, and you felt yourself sway a little. But things had been going so well. You thought it might even lead to something romantic. “Did-did I do something wrong?” You couldn’t help but ask, unsure why he would put a wall up between you so quickly and suddenly. Immediately, you saw his eyes soften as he looks up at you. “No, its nothing you’ve done, [y/n]. it’s the people around here. You don’t want to get too closely associate with a goblin.” He stood, turning away from you with a sign. “I don’t care what people might talk about. I cant control their tongue.” You try to reason with him, unsure how you could change his mind. You knew him well enough to know he thinks things through carefully, methodically. “People are already talking.” Erx shakes his head, glancing towards the window and out into the street. Then to you. You couldn’t think of a way to persuade him to think otherwise without confessing how deeply you had grown to love him. And that wasn’t something you were ready to admit to. You felt your heart ache as you knew the best thing to do now, is to follow his instructions. At least for a bit. Give him some space, and speak to him against perhaps at the library. “People will talk, whether or not you give them a reason to.” You shrug, picking up your book. You hated the ache in your chest as you headed towards the door. More so, you hated the tears that were pricking your eyes as you avoided his eyes. You walked straight passed him, keeping your head low. A hand grabbed your forearm, stopping you. You turned your body slightly, looking up to Erx. He seemed just as surprised as you had. Like he didn’t mean to grab you, yet he couldn’t let you go. A soft sign left his lips, as if he had given up, as he stepped closer and used his free hand to reach up, using his thumb to wipe away some fallen tears from your left cheek before settling his palm on your cheek. You leaned into his touch, your eyes falling shut as you did so. His hands were cold normally, but the coolness was welcoming. You felt his hand loosen on your forearm as your arm dropped back to your side. You opened your eyes, looking up at Erx. Your eyes darted to his lips before back to his eyes. ‘fuck it’ a voice mumbled in your head. He’d already made it clear you couldn’t be friends, might as well know what its like. going up on your tiptoes, you kissed him. You expected him to pull back, chastise you and push you out the door. But he didn’t. his hand grabbed your waist, pulling you tight against his chest. You stumbled a little, catching yourself by putting your hands up onto his chest. You dropped your book in surprise, but the clatter didn’t stop his own action. Slowly, he kissed you back. Painfully slowly, and passionately. You grabbed fistfuls of his shirt in a weak attempt to keep him as close as possible. His hand left your cheek, slipping around to the back of your head. You couldn’t help a soft moan that left your throat as you allowed yourself to enjoy the kiss. and Erx groaned against your lips, deepening the kiss further as he pulled you against him with a new found need and desperateness. You were the first to pull back, gasping softly for air as you tried to make sense of what just happened. It would seen Erx came to a conclusion before you did, letting you go as he retreated away from you and turning his back to you. “You should go.” He mumbles, removing his glasses to rub the bridge of his nose in frustration and… regret?. You couldn’t believe it. He had just kissed you like that, like nothing else mattered, and he was sill telling you to leave. grabbing you book from the floor, you couldn’t help but feel frustrated and angry as you gave up. Walking to his front door, you made a point of slamming it behind you.

Time flew, and before you knew it, you would have to face him sooner than you had hoped. Your book was due back, and you didnt want to leave it any longer, so you went to the library. You were dreading it, having not seen him in a week. Yet the kiss was still fresh in your mind. The weather was horrible. The winds were strong and nearly knocked you off your feet a few times, but you just managed to get into town without being swept away. As you entered the building, you noticed Erx sitting at his desk with a book open. But he wasn’t reading it, instead he was looking intensely at the shelves of books. So intensely that he didn’t seem to notice you had came in until you cleared your throat. “[y/n].” He breathed, standing up as you approached the desk. “I came to return this.” You presented him the book. Erx took it, but he seemed to linger as his hand brushed against your fingers in the exchange. He quickly checked in back in, placing it in the pile of book that were to be put back out. You also noticed that the pile seemed a lot bigger than he usually allowed it to get. In fact, you had helped him put them back out before… “Do you have any suggestions?” You ask, trying to regain some scraps of the friendship you had had with him from before. “No, Im afraid I do not.” He answered, shaking his head as he avoided your eyes and sat back down. You couldn’t contain the hurt look that spread across your face, but you pulled yourself together to go into the shelves. You eventually chose an old favourite of yours. You had checked it out a few times and, since it was a classic, there were normally 2 copies on the shelf. But this time, there was only 1. Shrugging it off, you took the book back to the front desk. Erx opened it and, after noticing that the date slip was full, he got to his feet to grab some more from the back office. Looking down at the book he was reading, you realised something. Careful as to not loose his place, you picked it up and looked at the cover. It was the duplicate of the very one you were about to check out. You heard him in the other room and quickly but the book back down in its original place just in time as he came back through. You decided to try again to connect with him as he stamped your book. “What are you reading?” You asked, noticing how he glanced at the book. “Nothing.” He shut you down again, not wanting to discuss the book or analyse it. Not even wanting you to know it was your favourite book. You knew he knew because you had spent many nights speaking about it and its beauty. “Oh.” You signed, your shoulder sagging as you gave up. He handed you back the book and you nodded goodbye to him. Walking towards the door, you opened it and immediately regretted it. The heavens had opened and the wind was now accompanied with lashing rain. You let out a grown, looking up to the sky for any chance at a hint of blue. “You can stay and read. There a charge for returning books damaged.” Erx’s voice suddenly spoke with an unfamiliar softness that you hadn’t heard in a while. You wanted to say no, but you wanted to stay with him. To speak with him. But in truth, you were far too chicken to be rejected or shot down again, so you muttered a thank you and closed the door. Taking a seat at the desks in the centre of the room, you opened your new book. But you couldn’t shake the feeling that he was watching you. Looking up, you noticed his eyes dart back to his own book. How had you gone from being so close to like strangers, unable to say a word to each other. You knew neither of you were reading, and he hadn’t turned the page of his book in a few minutes, conforming to you that he was simply staring at the pages. Sighing, you knew you had to say something. “I never cared.” You mumbled, not looking up at him. “[y/n], you know as well as I that a relationship between us would be looked down on.” Erx countered you, sounded like his own frustration was building. He knew exactly what you were talking about, because he had been thinking about the same thing. “By who? You?” You snapped, finally looking up at him. To this, his brow furrowed as he glared intently at you. “Don’t accuse me-“ He started to snap at you but you cut him off. “I’m calling it as I see it. You don’t seem to care about what others think of you normally, except when it came to us. I don’t care, either way. I do what makes me happy as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone in the process. If you don’t want to be in a relationship with someone of another species, then just say it. Stop hiding behind a veil of what other people say.” You slam your book shut, ending your argument. As you stood to leave, you wished he would grab your arm again, like he had the other night. You walked up to his desk and he stood. You placed the book down (no matter how angry you were, you couldn’t take it out on books). You wanted him to tell you to stay because HE wanted you too. But he didn’t. Glancing back as you neared the door, you saw him sitting back down with his glasses off, rubbing the bridge of his nose before his head fell into his hands. You left the library with tears running down your cheek.

--------time skip -----------------

You knew better than to stay somewhere that had given you such heart ache. You didn’t have any ties to the village, so you could up and leave without issue. You had weighed out everything in your mind and decided it would probably be for the best. You saw Erx nearly every day and every day made your heart ached for him. You knew it would be best to get some space from each other. You started with small things, deciding to tell the neighbours that you had to go home to help family and do it suddenly. One evening, you were packing up some boxes when someone knocked on your door. pushing the boxes under your table, you got up and walked to the door. Opening it, you were surprised to see Erx. you hadn’t seen him since the library three weeks ago. “you’re moving.” He didn’t pose it as a question. He knew. “how-how…” you trailed off as Erx quickly came inside. Apparently, he had more to say rather than confirming what was being said. “the neighbours. They are all speaking about it.” He nods towards where the street was on the outside of the house. “Oh my god, they really do know everything.” You frown, wondering how they had figured that out. Then you remembered the boxes you had bought at the store. Someone must have seen you. You quickly pulled yourself back into the moment, knowing he was here for a reason. “I have to go back to my family.” You state. A very simple excuse that no one would question. “Don’t lie to me. Im not some withering old fool.” Erx snapped at you. He seemed genuinely angry about it. “I don’t see how its any of your business if im moving or not.” You cross your arms, not impressed at all by how he had barged into your house and called you a liar. He looks at you, in the eyes, for the first time in a while. All the anger and frustration visible left his body as he looked at you. “I wont see you again.” He flinched at the words, dropping your eyes as he frowned to himself, as if he had finally let the realisation dawn on him completely. You let your own arms drop to your side, the hostility no longer in the room. “I-I thought it would be easier. For us both.” You admit your true reason for leaving. “Easier.” He let out a breath of disbelieve as he turned back to you. “It was easier before you came here. I didn’t care about anything other than my library. I kept to myself and everyone left me alone.” “Everything will go back to normal after I leave. You’ll be alone again.” You tried to assure him, to comfort him but he just got adjected again. “No, I don’t want to be alone again. I want you.” He said, his voice dropping as he finally confessed something he hadn’t even let himself indulge in. Suddenly, Erx felt like a pitiful creature. He backed away from you, ringing his hands together as he fought every instinct he had to run. You stood there, your mouth having fallen open from his words. “You want me?” You repeat back to him, unsure if you had heard him right. “But you-you wanted me to leave. You’re the one who said it couldn’t be between us.” “it cant. It wouldn’t work.” He shakes his head, contradicting everything he was saying. “I don’t understand.” You throw your hands in the air in frustration. “Ive told you, people don’t approve of relationships between humans and goblins. They look down on my kind and I’ll never be good enough for you.” He matches your frustration as he starts to pace in your living room. but something he had said stuck. “Is that what this is all about?” you breathed, walking up to him as he freezes. “You don’t think you’re good enough.” “I don’t ‘think’ it. I know it. And so does everyone else.” Erx shakes his head, shutting his head as if trying to hid from you. Walking up to Erx, he opens his eyes when he hears the floorboard creaking. You saw a bit of fear in his eyes as he saw you approach him. But you threw your arms around his shoulder and locked them around his neck. You buried your head into his neck, unsure if you could look him in the eyes without crying. It took him a moment to respond, but his arms wrapped back around you securely. “You’re so wrong.” You mumble as you press a soft kiss to his neck, feeling him tense up. “I don’t care if you’re a goblin. Goblin or not, I love you for who you are, not what you are.” “Love?” He pulled back staring at you with wide eyes, his eyes only enlarged under the glasses. He searched you for any sign of hesitation or regret for your words. He signed, looking away from you. “Im afraid romance isn’t my speciality. I never had any interest in the books nor have I had any personal experience.” He confessed, and you felt yourself prepare for rejection again. “But, you? I fail to find the words to describe how I feel for you.” “Then show me.” You look up at him, pulling back enough so he could turn his head towards you and capture your lips in a kiss. This kiss wasn’t as slow as your first. It was desperate, and needy. Both your hands settle on the back of his head as he pulled you tight against his chest. it felt so right, kissing him. You loved it so much, you loved him so much. You pulled back for a moment for breath before kissing him again. You felt him smirk against your lips, enjoying it as much as you did. When you finally pull back for a proper breath, you cheeks were bright red and you were panting slightly. “Perhaps, I do know a word which is adequate. However, I feel its meaning is played with too loosely by many nowadays. You must understand that I have yet to say it to a romantic partner, ever. So it isnt something I say lightly.” “What word.” You basically begged, clinging to him as your heart fasted. “I love you.” He breathed, making you smile and kiss him passionately again, despite to show him you felt the same. You felt him growl softly against your lips, and you answer with your own moans. You ran your right hand down the side of his head, your fingertips gently passing over his long, pointed ears and causing him to shiver under your touch. You were so glad that the rumour that all Goblins ears are super sensitive was true. “I love you too.” You smile as you pull back, over the moon that he had told you such a thing. Because you knew he truly meant it. He smiles softly, his eyes flickering with love and joy for a moment before he seemed to realize something. “I should go. They are probably watching the house, waiting to see when I’ll leave.” He glares at the closed curtains. Yet he seemed to pull you tighter, as if his mind was fighting his heart. “Or you could just… stay.” You partly shrug, drawing his attention back to you. He studied your face, unsure if you were just joking or being earnest. Erx seemed unable to find any words, so opted to lean down and kiss you softly as he silently accepted your offer. The neighbours were certainly in a tizzy and, because the next day was a Saturday, neither of the two of you left your home. It wasn’t till Sunday evening when he left to go home. It was shrugged off that you were moving, most people thinking you had just been using the boxes to sort something for the attic or something. And as you continued to live in the community, you noticed that they mainly gossiped out of worry. No one seemed to care when Lisa, the daughter of the baker married someone she had known for 6 months. But they did gossip when Marcus ran off in the middle of the night. Occasionally, the older people would give you and confused look, especially when you were out with Erx, but he took those looks more personally than you did. Until, one evening 8 months later, you all but ran to his door. He opened it and you only just got inside when you told him that there was a cottage on the outskirts of the town. It overlooked most of the town, with its own land and road into the village. “No neighbours?” Erx asked, raising his eyebrow at you with a smirk on his face. “No neighbours at all.” You grinned and nodded. Within a month, the deed was signed with both your names. Although, you did have to admit, you always came back to your own street, to sit with Ms Little on her porch and ‘discuss’ everything you had missed.

[unholyhelbiglinked]

Camp Beaverbrook | 007

CHECK OUT THE STORY FROM THE START HERE

Hey Mom!

It’s been what? A week since I’ve last written. I’m not really sure if they’re sending these letters on Fridays or if they actually spend that much money on postage. Part of me thinks that they don’t send them at all and they’re just sitting in those big plastic cases that Gail always keeps under lock and key. It’s been fun, though, but I’m ready to be a counselor now. I think this is the perfect send off.

Emily

She mindlessly pushed the three lone carrots against the broth backdrop. They looked sad, all of their coating having tinted the liquid that they swam in. They looked like little life rafts that could carry a whole person if a person was an ant.

She had her lip between her teeth, her stare trained in the general direction of the counselors. On one counselor that had the sunlight hitting her just right as it rose against the mess hall. Emily had a full conversation with her yesterday, one where she only choked on her words once or twice. She knew Aubrey, had seen her every single day at camp for the past three and a half years but still- each time was met with her heart in her throat and an instant moisture to her palms.

The blonde did a bit of a double take, first catching a gray gaze before shooting back down to her own food and up again. She offered up a kind smile and a half-hearted wave. Emily fumbled with herself, cheeks inflamed as she lifted her chin in a nod and looked back toward the grooves of the table that had gotten so interesting. An onion clung to the back of her spoon.

“You are helpless.” Hayley tore a generous piece from a roll, dipping it into the broth. “Just jump her bones already.”

“What?” Emily hissed, voice low “I don’t want to- I mean, she’s flawless but that doesn’t mean I need to have sex with her. Honestly just being in her presence-“She trailed off, gulping in a heap of air “Where’s Jane?”

“Nice change of subject Michel Emerson.”

Emily let out a deep grumble at the reference. Hayley was playing to her weakness; a shitty movie about vampires that hung from the bottom of train tracks. Michel Emerson had risked everything for a pretty girl with an alluring personality, even if it did turn him into a creature of the night. “Seriously, asshole, she hasn’t shown for lunch, and now dinner?”

“So? Jane never shows. She probably passed out after her time slot on the lake. Yeah?” Hayley rolled her eyes.

She had spent more than enough time talking Emily down. She had kept the clumsy girl from nearly drowning in the lake when Aubrey told her to simply cool off. It was getting late, there was sleep eating away at the edge of her mind and it showed in her demeanor. Not particularly sunny, but often times confused with discontent.

“Sure.” Emily agreed, not having anything else to do. She had lost all appetite for any type of dinner. There was a sneaking pinprick at the back of her mind. Something that she had gotten before. Her mother used to say the uneasiness was a clear sign that she needed to listen to her gut. But that was only before she put her on a plane for a class trip to New York with enough money to buy mace as soon as they touched down.

Now it was rocking her whole entire sense of being.

Emily let her spoon fall into the soup that was mainly untouched. It created a loud noise and beef broth soaked against her cheek. Hayley flinched, lifting her eyebrows. “You’re going to offend the chef.”

Coffee eyes shot towards the kitchen, Jesse was bringing the knife down on what looked like more onions. It certainly smelled that way. He had bulky headphones over his ears and a towel against his shoulder, head bobbing along. Somehow, she knew he would be okay.

She rolled her eyes and swung her legs over the bench. “Wha- where are you going?”

“I am going to go check her cabin,” Emily said, throwing her napkin down against the bowl of soup before gathering it all together. She didn’t wait for Hayley to open her mouth in protest, instead, she walked towards the very window that supplied the neon light of the kitchen.

Jesse glanced up, lifting his chin slightly before she gave him a wary smile and dropped the bowl before anyone else had, careful not to spill the broth. He went back to bobbing his head, and Emily exited the mess hall trying impossibly hard not to look towards the counselors.

There was a frigid chill to the air that made her seek for any type of warmth, a jacket over her simple cotton t-shirt, something to ease the cold that presented itself the moment the sun started to lower against the pine needle trees.

She shoved her hands into her jean shorts and walked against the path that had been carved out ages ago. There were boot prints, and even bare feet tracked in the loose dirt. Her breath pressed into the air in a soft cloud, something she used to exhaust. That small prick buzzing like her table was ready at a family restaurant.

The cabin looked bigger than before, almost like each of the three steps that she took up to the screen door were miles long. Her legs ached and shook, but she still pulled it open and glanced around the space: Her bed had been made this morning and was still left untouched. Hayley’s was a mess under her own, and Jane was empty. The covers were pulled back and the setting sun highlighted it in a ghastly orange.

Emily let out the breath that she didn’t know she was holding onto. Her lungs burned, and her ears were ringing now. A pressure and anxiety that she couldn’t fiddle with tugged at her. The door creaking open as she turned to face it.

Hayley.

She leaned against the doorframe, eyebrows raised. “Not here?”

“No, afraid not.” Emily let out a deep breath. “Dinner over?”

The girl nodded and flopped down on her mattress, stretching her hands out over her head as she groaned as her back popped in just the right way. She didn’t think she took that long to walk to the cabin across the camp, but she had, dragging her feet and begging for a reason to make the ringing stop.

Emily could feel her throat tighten and she blamed the cold air, not the deepening feeling in her stomach as she shook her head and pushed past her screen door, standing staggered against the steps to her cabin. It was crowded this time, kids trying to get back to their bunks before the mountain night grew chillier.

She watched as kids that wore a mix of forest green and golden yellow walked among counselors that were far from finished with their nights. She would often see the fire rising from the rocky shore and smell the beer in the metal trash cans that next morning. The thought made her skin prickle.

Aubrey Posen stood by the edge of the path, her arms crossed over her chest as those deep green eyes peered into Beca’s. The girl was shorter than her superior, but the way she puffed out her chest and sneered made Emily think that she had more gall than the woman she was looking for. Chloe had an even hand on her shoulder as if to hold her back or pull her to their shared cabin. The archery instructor lifting perfectly sculpted eyebrows up in discontent.

Emily steeled her nerves and walked forward, cutting across the crowd as a few people mumbled while others stared directly at her. She kept her distance, but not too much, Beca Mitchell shooting her midnight stare her way as if to acknowledge her presence.

“Hey, Em” Chloe offered up warmly, trying to defuse the situation, Aubrey’s own stare had softened a great deal, though, she never let her shoulders drop. “What’s up?”

She wanted words for form, really, she did. But they seemed to stall in her throat. At the crackling sound that she let out, Aubrey straightened her shoulders and turned herself completely towards the camper, knitting her brow. “Em?”

“I don’t want to bother you, it’s just- Jane, my cabin mate, I haven’t seen her all day.”

She knew she was taking it slow, mumbling. Four sets of eyes were on her. The surrounding area had been voided of kids, all of them sneaking liquor in their own cabins. Smoking loose cigarettes that they had hidden in their t-shirts before spraying a thick layer of lavender spray.  

“She usually misses breakfast, but never lunch, or dinner. I’m uh, I’m worried about her.”

“Jane Eide?” Stacie asked, shoving her hands into the pockets of her oversized sweatshirt. “I’ve been working with her. She didn’t show today, though, figured she had fallen asleep.”

“I pulled her from the water the other night,” Beca admitted, “Late. She and two others were out on the lake after dark.”

Aubrey pulled in an easy breath, one that was far too calm for a situation like this, there was an unknown type of fear that was behind her darkened eyes. One that she wouldn’t really admit to, but Emily could see it. She could feel it.

“Right, so no one has seen her since last night?” All silence and blinking eyes. “Emily, did you hear her come in last night?”

“No, I didn’t. Neither did Hayley.”

“Okay. Stacie, you go back to the mess hall with Jesse, search the mess hall and the quad.” Aubrey had a certain stiffness to her voice. “Chloe, Beca. I need you to go to the north building and check the phone log- maybe she phoned home. Emily, follow me.”

No one made a move for a few seconds, just staring at the woman in front of them until she clapped her hands together and snapped everyone out of a haze that felt like a hazy dream. Campers didn’t just vanish. Some would get homesick, sure, but they would call their parents and get picked up begrudgingly. The feeling Emily had seemed to stem within the circle of them and extend- Stacie the first to nod and step away, doing a slight jog towards her station.

Chloe took reign and used the hand still on Beca’s shoulder to drag her towards the building that housed a small desk and the white postal bucket that everyone placed their letters in. There was a phone and a yellow log to write in, hopefully, Jane had.

“Come on,” Aubrey said, and Emily followed like an obedient dog on a short leash. They were walking in one clear direction and Aubrey was moving fast the cold not seeming to get to her, so Emily rolled her shoulders back and forgot about her own chilled bones.

Aubrey pushed past the door to her little cabin, something that looked out over the east side of the lake and was isolated to everyone else. No one dared come this close to a place like this, the place that Aubrey would sit and drink coffee before anyone disturbed her.

Emily didn’t know what to expect, but it looked almost normal: There was a little television that was an obnoxious shade of blue and had rabbit ears stretching to the sky. A nicely made bed and a small table with two chairs on either side of it. There were lights strung up over a floral bedspread. It smelled thickly of lavender, and it pulled Emily in. She struggled to stay against the threshold.

“Here,” Aubrey seemed slightly out of breath, she stretched forward and handed Emily a hard metal flashlight. She had palmed one herself, its silver shell reflecting the fairy lights. “We’re going to check around the lake.”

“Okay,” was all Emily could mumble, the woman pulled open what looked like a closet instead of a dresser. She produced a brown leather bomber jacket that had a fur collar, folded and covered in patches. It looked worn and overwhelmed her with scent as it was tossed in her direction. “I can’t-“

“It’s cold,” Aubrey said tenderly. She was wearing a sweatshirt herself, adjusting the collar as she flicked off the light and pressed herself through the doorway. Emily could feel her heat against her front.

She hurriedly slid it over her shoulders before closing the door and jogging slightly to catch up with Aubrey, she had already flicked her flashlight on. It created a circle of yellow that she swept over the grounds that they walked against, their sneakers loud compared to the silence of the night. Emily couldn’t hear crickets.

Her shoulder would bump against Aubrey’s every couple of steps, and she savored the touch, moving her own beam of light close to the water’s edge. It lapped at the stones and made them look prettier than they really were.

“I lost my hamster once.” Emily finally said timidly.

There was a slight hint of a laugh, or maybe a scoff, that pushed past Aubrey’s lips. Either way,  its splayed against the darkness of the sky in a puff of white. “What?”

“Yeah, when I was six, I had a hamster and he got out of his cage somehow. We couldn’t find him for a couple of days- maybe a week. I don’t remember. I was six. But we finally found him, you know.”

“Where was he?” Aubrey asked, pulling a branch up for the both of them to duck under. It smelled like pine and dropped dead needles at the movement. The lights from the camp were getting smaller as they wandered into the large isolated parts of the perimeter. The lights from the cabins looked like they were put through a funhouse mirror as they reflected off the inky water.

“He was in the television.”

“Your hamster?”

Emily hummed in response, letting her light move against the stretch of trees. They looked scarier at night. “Yeah, in that little part where the speakers usually are. He had chewed through all of them, so at least we knew he didn’t starve. The little guy lived four more years after that… so uh, maybe we’ll find her. You know?”

“Jane is a person, not a rodent.”

“Oh, I know,” Emily’s shoe slid on the closest rock, the sound splaying oddly as Aubrey instinctively reached and clutched onto her arm, keeping her from sliding too much “Thanks. I just don’t think I’ve lost anything else before.”

Aubrey stopped then, her back to the forest as she parted her lips. Emily didn’t know if it had anything to do with her eyes adjusting or the fact that the moon had risen to its fullest point, but it was easier to see. Every part of Aubrey looked milky blue, her lips and eyes darker than the rest of her subtle features. She looked like a siren, playing oddly with the rubber button on her light. Almost like she was nervous.

“I have,” Aubrey said, so softly it was almost muted by the water lapping the shore. “My father he uh, he left when I was fifteen, maybe sixteen? I don’t think we tried too hard to find him but it um, it feels kind of like this. You know?”

“Like someone is holding your heart and just kind of… squeezes it?”

Aubrey let out a long-held onto breath “Yeah, yeah. Like that. Is it getting tighter for you too?”

Emily chewed on her bottom lip. She had to admit, the feeling seemed to melt away around Aubrey. She was a calming presence, an authority figure that she gawked at if anything. Aubrey sniffed, eyes sad in the moonlight as they flicked towards Emily’s mouth. “Yeah, I think so.” It was no more than a whisper.

“Emily…?”

“Yeah, Aubrey?”

The older woman’s hands were cold as she took a fluid step forward, her fingers curling around the back of Emily’ neck as she let the other hand hold tight against the flashlight. Emily had kissed people before, hell, she had done it often and diligently, but this was different. This was soft and Aubrey tasted like a mix of cinnamon and heat. Her nose was cold against her cheek as her touch moved against Emily’s jaw delicately.

Emily pulled away with a sharp breath, leaning her forehead against Aubrey’s. That hand around her heart had released its hold and let it flourish as the blood rushed past her ears. “Whoa.”

“That was-“Aubrey swallowed, her hand dropped her hand down “I’m sorry, I misread the situation, I’m sorry.” She apologized twice in one sentence, wanting to move away completely, but she had found Emily’s hand curled around the collar of her sweatshirt, holding her in place.

“No,” She whispered, “You have no idea how long I’ve waited for you to do that but-“

“It’s not the right time.” Aubrey finished her thought, swallowing roughly. “We need to keep going.”

Emily nodded and eventually dislodged her fingers from the girl's coat, even if it was the last thing she wanted to do. They returned to walking in silence, their feet crunching against dried leaves and gravel. She could swear she felt the ghost of a cold hand.  

[quietasides]

Half of the Story

 Career and Industry in Just Like You (part one)

I'm looking at the Just Like You video (now six months old) through a lens that shows me Louis stifled, his career stalled, his frustrations with the situation and his powerlessness—all expressed through metaphorical descriptions and careful editing in the way text is revealed in the video.

I believe there are few/no accidental coincidences within this video. I think the articles and images were chosen for their content, both partial and in whole. I also believe the video was made with the expectation there would be frame-by-frame scrutiny and so each frame is laid out/designed with deliberation. I gave closer attention to articles which appeared more than once.

note: I’ve edited quotes to remove words which appear irrelevant when wearing my biased lenses. Omissions are indicated by ellipses [...], while sentence fragments original to the frame cropping are indicated by an em-dash [—]. These are merely my observations.

“...We need to eliminate this notion that there's one neutral point of view...There is not one story – there are multiple stories to be told in multiple ways." (interview with director Sally Potter, first appearing at :22 and again multiple times during the lyric “you only get half of the story”)

Allegory: a story, poem, or picture that can be interpreted to reveal a hidden meaning.

0.15—(for the newspaper article on the right, I’m calling on Google translate.) A new—is about—half located—speaking—we did not have conversation—even seen or—with the artist painter—since—interesting mural—paint that—as—it was an allegory—As well, now—we have it find—on this occasion—shaping…    I love this. Since the artist painter can’t speak, there’s allegory in the mural of this video. Notice the location...find it. (This image flashes by again at 2:02 as a single frame). This particular spread was designed, and the article chosen, before the video was assembled in its final form. We are also in the “kingdom of Allegory” in a theater review at 2:34.

The following words appear in the first milliseconds (:02) of the video, painted over white beneath the drawing of Louis, and shown only once: Profound— opened to— oration that— original—yet...—written by...— good as the hype—enough to win—of viewers— reassure diehard—[cheri]shed memories—to tradable... —up chasing down—love with one—[h]im there’s been—[days] of darkness— stored replicant—creating a blank—database memory—…jostling—corporation logos

I am intrigued by these words, and I want to fill in the blanks between them. I invite you to do the same.

:03 An upside-down article about possible unethical practices in racing implies Louis can’t speak about his dissatisfaction, unfair business practices, and significant barriers to his career. He can, however, make this video…and we can read it, whether our interpretations are correct or not. This article is particularly important, recurring at least five times in the course of the video (as, for example, at 2:31). 

“...Concerns about ‘unsatisfactory’ experiences—wants to see ‘fair, transparent, and responsible practices in place to remove significant actual and perceiving barriers to new owners joining the sport’—not one complaint has been brought—this could be interpreted two ways: there is not an issue or there is a creed of omerta which prevents anyone from speaking out...Rumours suggest that the anecdotal evidence surrounds agents encouraging individuals to buy horses at an inflated price, from which they then receive a cut, or bidding off, whereby false bids are made.”

:04—(from Tom Paley’s obituary) “...he was quintessentially witty, thoroughly urban and intellectual, given to outrageous puns and wordplay, a master teller of jokes.” This quote could describe Louis’s image since the beginning of 1D. The article also mentions the “principled intransigence” of Tom Paley—a refusal to change one's views or to agree about something; uncompromising, tenacious; bloody-minded. Again, this describes what we know of Louis.

The same article appears again at 1:23 (below), but with a slightly different focus. Note the way Louis is framed and emphasized when he’s on the right-hand side of the photo, almost as if he’s being crowned.

As the crown is drawn, the clipping of the word glory enlarges, and reads "up our bills—trust"

The emphasized “and the glory” clipping is from the article, below, in which Dame Helen Ghosh changes her position on wind turbines, coming to an opposite stance from six months ago. This article was also chosen before final video assembly in mid-October 2017.

:20—“The National Trust is prepared to considered fracking on its land but has all but ruled out wind farms, according to the head of the conservation charity. Dame Helen Ghosh, the trust’s director-general, said that it was keeping an open mind on drilling for…dioxide emissions. Dame Helen’s stance on wind farms appears to have become more hostile since she said six months ago that “a wind turbine in the right place is a rather beautiful thing”

:09—an article fragment on the right-hand side reads, "Pays nothing toward the cost of his hearing aids..." (Those three white photo borders/lines may be a reference to Triple Strings, which has shown very little/no activity.)

0:34—a split-second frame flashes by

“to build online—keep our identity—that matches”

We see this article again at :42, in another quick shot—

Some of the partial phrases seen within Louis’s silhouette, above:

“innovation—and research—competi—dynami—”

“private—bullshit—publicity”

“what are—answered the—nothing else—takes 20 min—thank them for”

“provided—million of insura[nce]—implicit—their funding—guarantees—billion. Today—when there's—up in private—to buy—has been—developers that—fifth of all new—four years”

“trustees of the—for a premium—million. Pension—oration said that—all liabilities—an increasing—and liabilities—allowed us to take a—market conditions—ensure these liabilities—chain—of the pension—(subhead) Bid to halt”

“thus cutting the price and reducing the financial incentives for poaching” These phrases are reminiscent of the racing industry article seen at the beginning of this post.

“funding of—jettisoning—gone it—strategic—capabilities—this responsibility—would—wholly—special—utter—when the—capability has never—fear the battle for resources—MoD is (yet again) encouraging—tactical rather than strategic thinking”

This particular editorial page is shown more fully at 1:13—

"What has changed in the strategic landscape that removes—can be—special forces—which confer not just military capability but international clout. In this respect cutting the Royal Marines would be disastrous, for they provide a wholly disproportionate percentage of special forces manpower. It would be utter folly to take that risk at a time when the need for counterterrorist capability has never been greater. I fear the battle for resources in the MoD is (yet again) encouraging tactical rather than strategic thinking."

“We have—amount of—this has—advantage of—fully—trustees—said.—postal strike—a High Court—in an—48-hour strike—planned for this—communication—failed to meet a—to withdraw—the company—under an agreement—must enter”

"I fear that this kind of "inconvenient truth" is all too easily fudged by those whose—has changed in —landscape that suddenly—need for an amphib—nothing. Indeed, —unpredictable—more important"

Disputes, strikes, poaching, incentives, tactics, strategy (and windmills)... Louis the pool player, and also this clipping at :31—

(continued in part 2) eta let’s be honest I’m never going to get around to part 2. But if anyone would like to discuss this with me, feel free to message!

[nealofer]

Had a rather rough day at work. Tired eyes looked outside the train window, watching the world pass me by.

I have those kinda eyes where laughter do not reach - or so Im told. But I like to think otherwise. Though you cannot tell a tired eye stranger is smiling at you as you take the next seat. You see, I like everyone else, wear a mask these days.

Reached home. I did not feel like talking because there were so many people to talk to. I needed some space.

I fired up my laptop and began typing an email. I had to find answers and my head was buzzing with god knows what. And god knows why I thought email would be a good option.

As a kid my mom wrote a letter to her uncle who had gone to war. The letter reached the wrong person. Who replied to my then 10 year old mom. Telling her how her uncle was brave and fighting enemies in the war and how he would bring her new clothe and toys when he comes back the next time.

Mother had always kept that letter in a safe place. I find that story to be so beautiful.

I wish something as beautiful as this happened to me too.

My laptop was booted, I opened up a space to type a new email.

I want to pretend to be mature and good with words, but I will reist that temptation and save you the cringe. My email ran thus:

Dear future self,

Is it even worth it? One second everything makes sense and the next everythimg is haywire. Its like having a cold on a sunny day.

What am I gonna turn out to be? I mean what do you even look like? Its sucha crazy notion to mail myself and ask these stupid questions but I really wanna know, do we have flying cars in the future?

Have I became someone important? Or am I forgotton? Am I still pursuing this writing? Do I look back often? Do you, future self, remember typing this email?

I know at one point this does not even make sense. But hey, this is closest to a diary entry I could get.

I really hope all of this is worth it. I really hope I hold on to hope and it leads to somewhere substantial.

Yours truly.

Me.

I had completely forgotton about the email, as I should have. Until on a very ordinary day, while coming home from work. I received an email, that said this.

Dear Younger Me,

How are you? I really hope you are well and that you found a way towards finding light.

It feels like I've been waiting to write a letter to someone, but the postal services have stopped now. We have reached the mars, but have gotton further away from each other.

With so many children and grandchildren around, I figured I should write an email. I faintly remember I did something of this sort when I was younger. But I wouldnt rely on my memory too much.

I would wanna tell you, dear younger self, that whatever you choose to do, you are going to turn out to be a fine happy person in the long run.

Nothing was ever losing your peace over. If i could tell you this earlier I would have. But I'm telling you now, You are going to be fine. Just keep breathing.

I dont know why im telling you this, but yes we have flying cars, but they are nit very popular. But we have managed to save the beaches and there is peace amongst the countries.

I saw a lad today who smiled and nodded at me, while coming home. His smile didnt reach his eyes too, just like someone I used to know a long time ago, I just cannot remember their name. But something about those eyes just made me type this long email to my younger self, just to say that its gonna be fine and theres pleanty of good in you to make you shine.

Yours,

Me.

[littlehungrywarrior]

there’s a lot of things about me that are fucking absurd and really cool, so when ppl ask me to tell them about myself, i break em out immediately (”my family heirloom is a severed head named oswald,” “I can see disney studios from my house,” etc) 

but just bc im bored and I feel like it, here’s some stuff about me that I dont think I’ve ever really talked about? not secrets, but just...mundane things that I don’t really ever say in favor of Ice Breaker™-type things 

I have a profound respect for mail services. When I was 7-8 years old, we watched a documentary in class about how the postal system works, its history, and about the various jobs involved. It was an extremely formative experience for me. I don’t send a lot of things over snailmail and so I’m not really sure how to express my respect and support but it’s definitely there. Unfortunately, I’ve yet to play the FallOut game where you’re a mail carrier, but I wanna... I wanna. 

Though I’ll claim to the ends of the earth that sports confuse me, I am a huge speed-running enthusiast. One hobby/interest/self-esteem exercise I have is that I really like to learn jargon/lingo involved with...anything, really. So I started watching speedruns to pick up the lingo and I just...became infatuated. I’m no expert but I’m %100 into it for more than the lingo at this point; I’ve long since got that covered. One of my favorite parts is golf-clapping along with other fans when something cool/impressive happens. 

I can’t sleep without a hat on. A beanie, specifically. When I was, like...5 or something, I was terrified of vampires, and for some reason I thought vampires bit the skull and not the neck. So I pulled my blankets up over my head at night. My parents thought this was dangerous (I might suffocate) so they gave me a hat to protect myself with. I’ve long since outgrown my fear of vampires (and learnt that they don’t typically bite skulls) but I’ve associated hats with nighttime safety for so long that I can’t fall asleep without one. In the event that I don’t have one, I can wear underwear on my head to suffice...and I think I wore a stuffed animal once somehow but idk. 

I’ve had my SPiN in genetics for so long that 5-year-old me used to infodump strangers at the grocery store. When I asked where babies come from, my dad got me a picture book written for kids specifically to answer that question. We still have it; my brothers used it, too. It starts by explaining pollination and then extends the same concepts to dogs and then humans. Most of the information is on pregnancy and fetuses rather than sex, and cell development immediately caught my fascination. I asked my parents for more information about this and they gave me some more microbiology stuff. Combine that with my animal obsession + budding interest in heredity and you’ve got a tiny obnoxious geneticist who wouldn’t stop telling random people in line at the grocery store about how chromosomes are passed on through haploid cells. Dad got real smug about it, it was fantastic. 

On a similar note (and I have no memory of how this actually happened), I more or less learnt to read spontaneously? All at once? Again, I have no clear memory of this until the part where I can read... My parents read to me every night but I never was able to do it myself. I had a huge library built into the wall at perfect me-height for reading. One morning, the summer I turned 5, I (according to legend) walked up to my parents, got their attention, said “I’m going to read now,” and then (this part I do remember) sat down and read every single book in that library over the course of two or three days. Super rough estimate, but it was somewhere between 70-200 books, with a variety of target ages ranging from 3 to 10-11. No chapter books, all pictures, but the second I was finished I wanted more books. My mom took me to the store to buy more and insisted I get a chapter book since I’d burnt through the picture books so fast. And that’s where I got my first Warriors book. 

That was not the last time I read an entire library. In 7th grade, a friend of mine and I both had sex ed previously and so were allowed to skip that year’s sex ed on the condition that we spent that class in the school library. And together, we read the entire thing. Only what was on the shelves, though; nothing in the back. Actually, at one point on the last day, we’d already read every book in the place and we were bored, so we pulled some books out of the back to look at and none of them caught our interest. One of them was the first Hunger Games book WAY before it got popular. We’d never heard of it, both read the first 2 pages, didn’t like it at all, and put it back. You should’ve seen our faces when it suddenly blew up into a huge thing. The sad thing is, I remember a lot of books that I enjoyed but can’t find now because I can’t remember any specific titles or characters. We sped through everything to finish it all and didn’t really take a lot of time to absorb details so a lot of them are lost to the vague, hazy back of my memory. Still looking for that manga where the ninja kid...stops an evil scientist from...some kind of virtual world machine. There’s a piranha tank? And then the bad guy...gets sniped by a helicopter and falls off the roof, or something? Also there was a manga version of Maximum Ride, which I only remember by name because 2 chapters in it suddenly hit me that this was a comic version of a text-novel my mom was reading at the same time. I bought a handful of books from that library at the end of the year and still have them. 

I’ve only been in one play but something fucking sweet happened during production. I was Malvolio in Twelfth Night because, and I quote my drama teacher (who had known me for 8-ish years at that point and also who was smirking her ass off when she said this), “You’ll see why when you read the play.” She was not wrong and to this day that smug fuckin grin gives me life. Anyway, I was Malvolio, and you know that “Some have greatness thrust upon them” speech that everyone’s so inspired by? That speech is a fucking prank pulled on this asshole and it’s about bangin’. So the scene is that I dramatically read this “””love letter””” I’ve received and then run off to go embarrass myself. The speech is LONG and so I asked if I can just...actually have it written on the letter. And she said yes! So I wrote it down with intent of reading it off the letter. But opening night, the actress who was to place the letter grabbed the wrong paper and so I got just a blank sheet. Guess fucking what? We’d re-choreographed that scene so many times the night before that I slammed that shit anyway, word-for-fucking-word. And I was never mad at my friend for grabbing the wrong paper, so I say this in jest, but her punishment for grabbing the wrong paper is that the entire cast/production team did not hear the end of my pride for the entire week. For a timeframe reference, I was 12. 

When I was a kid I had a horse named Emmy. She was a rental horse. Actually, I think she was a pony? The way the rental worked was that she lived in a barn with a bunch of other horses. Her owners were a small business who gave riding lessons, but instead of just riding each session, one of the horses was “yours” (assigned by age, height, and temperament, not picked by the kid) to take care of while you were there and ride consistently every session. Essentially, she was only my pet when I was on the property. I can still ride but I’ve gotten rusty and I can’t do anything above a trot for more than a few seconds. Both times I’ve jumped have been accidents, once on Emmy and once on mom’s current horse, Meteor. I’ve fallen only once, and it was off Emmy. Mom’s going to be getting a gigantic thoroughbred soon and I’m both terrified and excited to ride this very large boy. 

I talk about this in person but not online because...why would it ever come up online?? I have worn the same style of red jacket every single time I leave the house since I was a pre-teen. It’s to the point where people will only recognize me if I’m wearing it. I had a friend in high school who was/is a really cool guy, we were seniors and we’d been close friends since freshman year. I had my jacket tied around my waist because of the heat. The school had two campuses a block apart and I was walking from one to the other to get something. Friend was walking from the other to the one, so we passed each other. Wordlessly. No wave, nothing. I was tired, it was hot, I didn’t really think anything of it. Then suddenly, a foot behind me, he freezes dead in his tracks and says my name with some kind of stricken shock. He had no idea it was me. At all. Keep in mind: my jacket? Tied around my waist. Not even off, just around my waist. Since then I’ve used this jacket thing to my advantage. Sparingly, I can take it off to sneak around. It’s like I’m invisible to people I know unless I say something and they hear my voice. It’s incredible. 

Going back to speed running, way before I knew that it was a thing at all, I taught myself to speedrun two games: The Lion King (PS2, not the impossibly hard one) and Putt Putt Saves The Zoo. As they were unofficial speedruns that I didn’t really call anything and just kinda did when I was bored, I never timed the latter, and I only timed the former once using my mom’s kitchen timer. It was a rough estimate since sometimes I paused and forgot to hit play for a few seconds, or I needed to pause but didn’t for a few seconds, and the timer only counted full minutes anyway, but I still remember the time: 35 minutes. I keep meaning to go back and re-teach myself to speedrun it, perhaps more professionally, and time it with more accuracy. I still remember all the strats but I can’t pull them off with as much fluidity as I could when I was still in practice. I also can, when watching both Lion King 1 and 2, still point out with frame-perfect accuracy exactly when a scene starts that was a cutscene in that game. 

wow writing this was fun and I kinda wanna do it again. ok 

[mentalillnessmouse]

Hey, I'm feeling so down lately and I just dont wanna go on. Im gonna see my super dumb theapist in like 4 weeks but i dont know if i can wait any longer. Im self harming everyday and anorexia and suicidal thoughts are taking over but i still don't feel ill enough. I could talk to my teacher who knows about everything but i dont want to bother her with my unimportant feelings and shit. What should I do? And thank you for your help, I really appreciate what you are doing.

Suicide/Self-Harm TW

Hi anon, It sounds like you are struggling a lot and you are feeling really hopeless lately. I want you to know that your feelings are important. You must have thought that your feelings matter if you came on here to share them. I hope you can muster up some courage to share your feelings with your teacher, I am sure she will not be bothered at all, she will feel glad that you confided in her again and be more than willing to help. If saying how you are feeling is too hard, consider showing her this ask. Another option is to call your therapist and ask for an appointment sooner or if you can talk on the phone with them for a few minutes. Let them know how much you are struggling and that, like you said here, you don’t think you can wait 4 weeks. As it sounds like you are in crisis, don't hesitate to reach out to our urgent resources. These helplines, chat lines and more connect you to someone you can speak with anonymously who can help you work on getting through the moment and staying safe until you can see your therapist again or get emergency help. If you feel very unsafe or like you may do something lethal, please call or go to your nearest emergency room. You deserve to get more support right now and you deserve to feel better. 

Urgent

Mental Support Community A forum where you can post  when you are in crisis RIGHT NOW, and need peer support as quickly as possible.

Samaritans UK (email, postal mail, in-person, and over the phone

Crisis Text Line– USA, text with a trained crisis responder

BoysTown National Hotline (email, chat, phone)

National Suicide Prevention Hotline (phone, chat)

National Resource Center on Psychiatric Advance Directives

RAINN online hotline [Rape, abuse, and incest national network]

Lifeline crisis chat is a online chat where you can talk to trained operators in times of crisis- Australian based.

2-1-1 phone number to call in US for resources including emergency housing and food (United Way)

You Feel Like Shit – An Interactive Self Care Guide is a great place to start if you’re having a bad episode and need help calming down (this is good for troubleshooting your mental health, but it does not contain interpersonal support)

Niteline: an emergency chat service for nighttime from UK. run by students for students

Project LETS has peer support chats

Take care, Ari

[qabumble899]

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80. Pittsburg, CA

81. Oklahoma City, OK

82. Mesa, AZ

83. Poplar Bluff, MO

84. Marion, OH

85. Bristol, TN

86. San Marcos, TX

87. Detroit, MI

88. Everett, WA

89. Winter Haven, FL

90. Panama City, FL

91. Naples, FL

92. West Allis, WI

93. Knoxville, TN

94. Bay City, MI

95. Bullhead City, AZ

96. Redding, CA

97. Birmingham, AL

98. Clarksville, TN

99. Jonesboro, AR