#im sleepy and i made myself sad so lmfao

[shaanks]

This is an all-call for Eustass Kid bby idk what's going on with you in canon rn but my door's open and the fainting couch is very comfortable I swear

[ahmuteun]

All the questions please

1. Would you have sex with the last person you text messaged?

uhhh nah, hes just a friend and we have a good dynamic that i wouldnt want to mess up

2. You talked to an ex today, correct?

nope

3. Have you taken someones virginity?

i dont think so

4. Is trust a big issue for you?

as of late it kind of is 

5. Did you hang out with the person you like recently?

i mean, kind of? but i dont like him romantically so no i guess?

6. What are you excited for?

to see my mates next week

7. What happened tonight?

nothing exciting, i wanted to yak when i saw that mayo vid mum reblogged

8. Do you think it’s disgusting when girls get really wasted?

no cause thats me sometimes nah but theyre allowed to do what they want as long as they arent completely belligerent then its cool

9. Is confidence cute?

eh it depends on the person i guess

10. What is the last beverage you had?

tea

11. How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust?

like, two lol 

12. Do you own a pair of skinny jeans? 

i own many

13. What are you gonna do Saturday night?

i dunno i havent thought that far ahead yet

14. What are you going to spend money on next? 

probably a new laptop

15. Are you going out with the last person you kissed?

im not going out with anyone so no

16. Do you think you’ll change in the next 3 months?

change how???????

i mean either way no lol im still gonna be a shit person in three months

17. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything?

uh, cat, jen, aubrey, and aj

18. The last time you felt broken?

i dont know about broken but i was sad last week

19. Have you had sex today?

no

20. Are you starting to realize anything?

yeah; guys fuckin suck and im stupid lol

21. Are you in a good mood?

i guess

22. Would you ever want to swim with sharks?

yeah that would be cool

23. Are your eyes the same color as your dad’s?

yeah i have his eyes

24. What do you want right this second?

for people to fuckin keep their promises, that would be great

25. What would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy?

well i dont like anyone but if even still, if we arent in a relationship then theyre allowed to do what they want

26. Is your current hair color your natural hair color? 

yep

27. Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh?

i dunno i cant even think about myself dating anyone period rn so

28. What was the last thing that made you laugh?

i dunno, i cant recall what it was exactly

29. Do you really, truly miss someone right now?

kind of

30. Does everyone deserve a second chance?

depends on the situation

31. Honestly, do you hate the last boy you were talking to?

no, aj i one of my best friends

32. Does the person you have feelings for right now, know you do?

i👏 👏 👏dont👏 👏 👏like👏 👏 👏anyone👏 👏 👏

33. Are you one of those people who never drinks soda?

kind of, i only drink it on the occasion

34. Listening to?

im watching harry potter and the deathly hallows part 2

35. Do you ever write in pencil anymore?

all the time, doing math in pen is a bitch

36. Do you know where the last person you kissed is?

idk home probably

37. Do you believe in love at first sight?

no because im not a naive idiot

okay i kind of am but thats not the point

38. Who did you last call? 

aj

39. Who was the last person you danced with? 

uuhhh cat, hanna, and evan i think

40. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed?

um i dunno because we were both drunk and hes a good kisser

41. When was the last time you ate a cupcake?

i dunno im not a huge fan of them tbh

42. Did you hug/kiss one of your parents today?

no

43. Ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush?

i embarrass myself all the time 

44. Do you tan in the nude?

i dont tan ever lmao, my friends call me “wall” for a reason

45. If you could, would you take back your last kiss?

i would take the last, last, last kiss i had because fuck that guy 

46. Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night?

kind of, i got off the phone cause i was getting sleepy

47. Who was the last person to call you?

my mom

48. Do you sing in the shower?

not really

49. Do you dance in the car?

not really

50. Ever used a bow and arrow?

yeah and i sucked

51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer?

uh, not for a while

52. Do you think musicals are cheesy?

some are

53. Is Christmas stressful?

it can be

54. Ever eat a pierogi?

ye, theyre good

55. Favorite type of fruit pie?

does pumpkin count? if not then apple maybe?

56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid?

power ranger lol

57. Do you believe in ghosts?

eeeehhhhhhhh kind of???

58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?

yeah, hasnt everyone?

59. Take a vitamin daily?

lol no

60. Wear slippers?

yeah

61. Wear a bath robe?

yeah

62. What do you wear to bed?

a big tshirt

63. First concert?

fan fan

64. Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart?

walmart for groceries, target for clothes

65. Nike or Adidas?

adidas

66. Cheetos Or Fritos?

HOT CHEETOS ARE THE BEST

67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds?

peanuts, i can never eat sunflower seeds unless theyre already shelled

68. Favorite Taylor Swift song?

uhhh i like end game, style, blank space, and forever and always the most i think

her fearless album was one of my favorites when i was younger

69. Ever take dance lessons?

yeah a while ago, and now im choreographing a dance wow look at that lol

70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing?

i cant even picture myself being married so no lol

71. Can you curl your tongue?

i can do the taco thing but not the clover

72. Ever won a spelling bee?

i purposely bombed those cause i didnt want to do them

73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy?

no

74. What is your favorite book?

idk i really like to kill a mockingbird

75. Do you study better with or without music?

depends on the subject really

76. Regularly burn incense?

never have

77. Ever been in love?

once upon a time

78. Who would you like to see in concert?

i have some artists i would like to see but if i didnt i wouldnt be upset

79. What was the last concert you saw?

fan fan’s

80. Hot tea or cold tea?

hot since its cold out

81. Tea or coffee?

tea, coffee sucks

82. Favorite type of cookie?

i like m&m

83. Can you swim well?

i can swim decently well i guess

84. Can you hold your breath without holding your nose?

are some people not able to?

85. Are you patient?

it depends but generally no

86. DJ or band, at a wedding?

its up to the couple 

87. Ever won a contest?

ive probably won a stupid one

88. Ever have plastic surgery?

nah

89. Which are better black or green olives?

BLACK

90. Opinions on sex before marriage?

u do u as long as its consensual  

91. Best room for a fireplace?

living room i guess?

92. Do you want to get married?

lmfao we’ll cross that bridge when/ if we ever get there

[ohkimani]

(ignore this, im doing the icky ranting thing again)

after thinking about everything i just wrote about their whole situation...

im actually pretty grapefruit that t&a and i have gotten to this point where nothing is really like.....confusing anymore? i think we are very much used to the way we act around and toward each other and it’s nice, you know? like we actually video chatted for a while today and though i kept getting annoyed with how much he kept saying he missed me, i figured after him saying it the fourth time when the conversation got quiet, he really meant it. he says a lot of things that make me stop in my tracks but i just assume he says them to everyone but at the same time idk. i just dont have the anxiety i had before of “OMG WHAT ARE WE, WHAT ARE WE?!” because now it just seems like since summer came along, we’re doing like LDR things and im enjoying the distance a lot. im not quite sure why im enjoying it but it’s nice to remember who i am without a boy around me to worry about. it just seems like im always on high alert when he’s around because he puts me in some different mind space that im not ever in. video chatting and calling me after seeing a movie he thought i would like is fine because i guess a part of me registers the fact that i cant make eye contact with him. 

eye contact with him is the most excruciating thing i have ever experienced honestly. it doesnt matter what context it’s in. it could be us arguing over what movie to watch and staring each other down until one of us gives in, or it could be when he does the thing just before he kisses me when he just.....stares. it’s painful. it’s like...and undressing of everything ive felt, feel, or will feel. i feel exposed. i dont like that. i like it.....but it’s frightening as hell. i let everything out in different ways like drawing or even writing things like this, just throwing everything somewhere else. but when he just looks....it’s like he’s taking it all from me and i have no control over where it’s going or what he’s going to do with it. i claim to know him but he’ll probably always know me better. im a creature of habit and so is he but his habits arent typical habits. mine are things like “get stop stepping on my white carpet with your shoes on” or waking up early and softly playing music to keep me company until he wakes up. his habits are....making entire trip plans and soon making me realize they’re all daydreams or....i dont know.....he puckers his lips in his sleep a bit. but otherwise, there’s no system...at least not a real one at that. the distance has really helped me avoid having to figure it out though. 

he’s truly an enigma, a real spawn of his father....which is definitely another worrying thing about him. he seems so unbothered by the things in the headlines and what not, crack jokes, laugh about it, what ever. until he’s at my door in the middle of the night because he needs to talk about things he cant get out of his head. he doesnt deserve to see these things but what can he do, you know? it’s easy to forget, until he does that smile. the same smile he smiled at me all those years ago when he decided spouting the foulest sentence to a (barely) teenager would be allowable by her mother. who knew he would be back in my life after making me so afraid of so many things. 

but he’s not him and im still working on realizing that. he’s nothing like him. he’s better than him. he’s caring, gentle, playful, and light. of course he can be clueless but is there a single boy who has a clue? he’s a puppy...and that’s all i see. when he falls asleep on a movie he picked and i feel his breath on my neck, he’s finally calm. nothing can bother him or excite him. god is he excitable...but so am i so it’s okay. but my goodness. but he smiles so big and bright, the smallest compliment i give him can carry him for days. he’s so cute, he writes them on sheets of paper and puts them in his wallet. seriously. i didnt know this and i dont think he knows that i know. it was open and some of his cards and stuff were out of the wallet on my floor one morning so i was going to put it on my desk next to his phone. but when i went to pick it up, all of these tiny sheets had things on them like “5/8: that’s my favorite shirt of yours” and “6/1: you have such a nice smile” like....i wanted to cry dude. these small itty bitty things...

it’s been an interesting time. especially when allen suddenly fell back into my lap, and that other guy from undie run....it just felt so wrong talking to the both of them for some reason. probably because they werent him idk. i dont feel like he has any sort of claim over me but i dont really feel the need to talk to any other guy. especially after talking to allen for literally three days, i wanted to fling myself off of a building. he talks about himself so fucking much. and it’s not like him just venting about things and saying what’s on his mind, it’s him literally making everything about him. and he’s so depressed and it made me realize that it was our mutual severe sadness that kept us together for fucking what? almost a year? he was my longest relationship and all that time, i couldnt see it? we were catching up and i was telling him about my hospitalization and wanting to die and he starts trying to make it some sort of competition and telling me about how many nights he’s drunk himself into oblivion and wanted to die and how he shouldve gone to the hospital, blah blah blah and um like *nervous laughter* okay. idk. it feels like you cant talk to him about shit. anything you say is a jumping off point for him to make it about him. i dont get him.

i mean, when we were together, everything seemed so amazing until i realized i couldnt keep going. im still not all that sure what happened but i just couldnt anymore. i remember that nights driving out to the causeway and watching the sun rise over the water or long conversations about nothing, ice cream (even though i hate ice cream), beach runs, i dont know. it just felt good to finally be with someone who was just as weird as i am. i thought i felt that with gunner until i realized he was a toxic piece of shit. how he would threaten to kill himself and then not answer his phone for hours knowing he was too far for me to get to him and then suddenly he’d pick up on the last ring like “haha yeah i just fell a sleep” like in hindsight, honestly, gunner might be responsible for like some of the emotional damage i have now. how he would tell me the color red looks terrible on me and that my legs are too long and that my nose was shaped weird, etc. but i didnt see how terrible these things that he was saying were. i just saw it as him being funny but like....he really fucked me up. 

but she was something completely different. i had hooked up with girls before but i had never wanted more before her. she was pure light. she always had something nice to say and was always so genuinely concerned. our playful banter was so fluid and perfect. i had no reason to believe i would ever want anyone else more than i wanted her. she was pure autumn. sweetness from her unique style to her adorable cats. looking back, she was almost a dream. it was strange to me because we were a whole country a part but things escalated like planning meet ups and what not and idk...maybe it scared me. maybe the way she made me feel scared me and i had to have some sort of way to push her back. i didnt want to deal with the emotions that came with giving all of me to her. she was too good for me and i’ll probably always regret how i left what he had to shrivel up. but it’s too late now and ive learned what i needed to learn from that. she taught me so much....especially about myself. my biggest regret will always be using him to get you away from me.

and now here i am. floating. i could mention max (bless him) or treyvon or terrell or lee but.....such short lived flings ended by trivial things....would they really matter. i dont even know why i wrote all of this honestly i think i was just trying to make myself get sleepy. i have class in the morning lmfao

[imperatrics]

i’m not super sleepy yet so i just filled out this meme questionnaire cuz i though the questions were super cute

red: how was your first kiss? it was like fourth grade and we kissed in a closet after he handed me a note that said “do you wanna put our lips together?” inside a milk duds container underneath his mom’s kitchen table. the bar has been set abnormally high since

what do you love about yourself? i love my laughter. i love that i can adjust around other people’s styles of talking/humor. i love how easy it is for me to converse with people and how i can have really deep, lovely conversations with others where they feel comfortable opening up to me. i love my eyes and my freckles (especially the huge clusters on my shoulders) and i love that people come to me when they feel bad and think that I can make them feel better. i love that i can’t sing on pitch worth a lick but will 100% go hard on the majority of songs that come out of the radio. i just love myself a lot honestly.

when’s the last time you warmed your hands in front of a fire? this last sunday!!! i go to bonfires every weekend and it’s been the highlight of my summer honestly

 would you rather watch a sunrise or sunset? sunrise!! i love that slightly sleepy feeling as you see the world wake up around you. its quiet and there’s a beautiful calm to the mornings while everyones still asleep and slowly rising

what’s the best thing about summer? everyone just being like ... excited to be outside. minnesota’s freezing for like half the year so whenever the summer comes out you can go anywhere and it’s crowded and full of laughter and excitement and you just meet the loveliest folks doing the coolest things at festivals or city events and i love it :’))

orange: what makes you feel warm inside? kindness and cute gestures of affection

 what’s your favorite halloween tradition?  how everyone interacts like usual but dressed in ridiculous gaudy nonsense or top-tier level costumage there’s like no in between

 what’s the last thing you learned? that i can successfully romance a dad with my dadsona 

when’s the last time you felt obsessed? when am i not obsessed

 what’s your favorite article of clothing? this has been the summer of the bralette for me and i have this lacy blue one that is not only insanely comfy but makes me feel trendy so thats the current fave

yellow: if you could have any view from your bedroom window what would you choose? so much green!! and mountainy landscapes. somewhere where i could watch the sun go down. or the city!! a beautiful view of the city is always wonderful.

what’s your favorite thing to do on a sunny day? soak up as much sun as possible with loved ones

 what do you consider lucky? i had to go to this homeopathic doctor once who gave me this ... pink spirit rock? and while i don’t believe in healing crystals i’ve had such good luck w it that i’m oddly really fond of it

what made you smile today? my boyfriend was being a lame nerd per usual and we had this like play mortal-combat esque fight where we fake beat each other up which was super cute. also he texted me like three times crying about cello concertos which was adorable. otherwise martha passed the hell out in my bed and was there for a few hours and it was super endearing. and my goster guinea pig survived surgery!!! so im a happy clam.

what makes you happy? being alive

green: what’s your favorite thing to do outside? i ... am that girl that bought a hammock and fucking loves hammocking but its so nice to read or draw out there in the shade.

do you like camping? I LOVE CAMPING SO MUCH

what would you spend $1,000 on? lord i really ... want a new record player and some more vinyls. maybe a new lens for my camera. also just a fuck ton of art supplies i wanna go wild inside of a blicks and cry about acrylics for like three hours. 

what’s your job, or what do you want to do as your job? i’m a mental health worker!! so i work in a home of women who have persistent mental illness and help them lead their lives :) also i do research in mental health and STEM education!

blue: what do you do when you’re sad? talk to friends or just overthink everything and watch old star trek cuz if lifts my spirits

what are some things you do when you can’t sleep? fill out these questionnaires lmfao

what was the best (non-romantic) night you’ve had? oh jeez uh ... honestly my best pal eli and i have had some great nights. one time we went to an all-night art festival (it runs from like 9pm-5am) and we got tipsy off of shitty mini champagne bottles we took from the wedding gig we worked and walked around and i made him laugh so hard it took 30 minutes for him to calm down when i told him the story of the astrology girl i briefly dated and we just opened up about a lot with ourselves (this was near the beginning of our friendship) and had both lighthearted and very serious conversation wandering our college campus and  i just ... am really fond of that night. 

what kind of covers do you have on your bed? theyre these IKEA floral ones and then an extra white set my mother had

who is the last person you told a secret to? dude i have no secrets i’m such an open book. uh? maggie (another best friend) probably?

purple: what’s your astrological sign? libra sun pisces moon

 what’s the best piece of advice you ever received? it wasnt really advice but it was the realization given to me that everyone i pass and know has this really deep, complex life they’re leading and so thinking everythings always about me is problematic and dangerous

when’s the last time you followed your instincts? my entire life is following my instincts and then being surprised natural selection doesnt come for me

what’s your favorite food? salted caramel ... anything ...

what’s your secret dream? lord uh ... to memorize the second part of animaniacs “nations of the world’ cuz ive got that first part down PAT but can never get the rest of em