#im severely diagnosed so i guess that just comes with the territory

[mundmutter]

What is something you want people to know right away about yourself?

Anxious Munday Meme!

It's hard for me to talk to people because I fear being annoying. Even with the smallest questions or conversations, I'm just too worried about it. This doesn't only apply to people I've just met either. You could know me for decades and I'd still be worried I'm getting on your nerves. I've been told this by a few people before too so I suppose that adds to it. There are a lot of ideas I have with lots and lots of people but I just. Don't want to be annoying! So I keep most all of my plot ideas all to myself. If you've ever written with me, I guarantee I've had at least five ideas for our muses but did not say anything because I don't want to be a bother lol

[lord-of-fidgets]

Hey I’m allistic and I just wanted to know if you feel comfortable outlining some of the ways allistic adhd ppl over talk autistic ppl (so I can avoid that). There is overlap in within the neurodivergent community but I don’t want to silence my friends and peers

Well, I can't and won't try to speak for every other autistic out there, but I can try to respond from my point of view ( I hope this comes out well ) :

As one sight puts it "People who have traits that stretch across both autism and ADHD diagnoses often face more serious challenges than those with either diagnosis alone- they can have greater impairments in adaptive functioning ( a term that refers to self-care and daily living skills, and more "severe" social/cognitive 'issues'"

According to the CDC, 14% of people with ADHD also have Autism- those with both - again - are more likely to have learning and social imparimetns and difficulties.

ADHD and autism are related BUT they are not the same. I say all this as a preface -

I'm not saying allistic ADHD people don't struggle at all, but bare with me -

It seems like the best way I can tell differences is 'degrees' - sure people with ADHD may struggle with social issues but if it is nigh impossible to communicate effectively and hold up friendships/any social relationship you start going into Autism territory. People with ADHD may have sensory issues, yes, but if you aren't completely overwhelemed to the point you cannot talk adn you withdraw completely into yourself or meltdown/shutdown then you can't honesly relate to an autistic person's point of view and daily living.

Yes, ADHD has a major impact on one's life - but not to the likeness and perhaps even degree to autism does. I don't believe in pitting each other against one another as we are one neurodiverse family - but more and more I see people with ADHD either claiming to be autistic ( which, ok - not touching that part just yet ) or claiming autistic traits to be ADHD ones. ( Much like those claiming raptor hands as an ADHD thing when it is very traditionally and perhaps diagnoistically an autistic thing ).

Or if an autisitic only group is specifically speaking about autism and autistic experiences - often we have allistic ADHD people butting in like "I DON'T HAVE AUTISM BUT---". Those shouldn't happen. If it is an autistic only space/post, then it is an autistic only. I don't care if we are neurodiverse cousins or whatnot - allistic adhd people have no right to barge into autistic spaces and pretend to understand everything we go through, to the degree we go through it.

There is overlap. They are also different things. Very different. I have an allistic ADHD friend - there is a distinct, obvious difference between us. ( I have adhd, autism and learnign disabilities and was in special ed ).

Claiming words like "special interest" which is an autsitic only phrase, and using it interchangably with "hyperfixation" is something i see often and it ( maybe im one of onnly a few bothered with this one ) upsets me.

you can be allistic ADHD and have sensory problems, etc, but from what i see we autistic people still experience this world very very differently and allistic adhd people butting into autsitic only spaces by claiming autistic platforms by over-speaking us, stealign our terms, etc, is disrespectful.

And yes a few people with ADHD may very well just be undiagnosed as an autistic person as well. I'm not talking about those cases.

But it seems like adhd people have become too comfortable with the fact there is overlap between adhd adn autism that they forget there are major differences - there are several circle charts on pintrest and tumblr and the internet that show it better than I can word and explain in.

I guess i could just say it as "Stay in your lane".

One thing that also gets me, personally, is ADHD people not realizing that yes you expereience similar things to what we Autistics do - but just because you can relate does not mean you are autistic. I don't wanna come across as gate-keepy and I hope i'M explaining this right. If I mis-answered you, please let me know. Communication is very hard for me even though I can type well.

Also there are other creators out there who can better explain things and provide examples case by case whereas I can't without naming names and making this seem like a call-out post and I want to avoid discourse as this blog is a safe spot for me

[simptasia]

neurodivergence in abc’s lost

i’m gonna be listing off and talking about the canon neurodivergent characters in lost. i won’t be adding characters that i personally headcanon as neurodivergent in some way, what i’m writing here is elaboration upon what has been given to me by the show. please note that none of these people’s conditions or disorders were named in the show, so such diagnoses being named here are me taking that extra step based upon their symptoms

first of all i wanna point out that based on what i’ve seen the show, that the island’s healing powers applies to conditions inflicted upon the mind, not ones inherent to the mind. thats why daniel’s brain damage heals, but people like hurley and locke will always continue to have depression

hugo “hurley” reyes

schizophrenia and depression

our most prominently featured mentally ill character. it might seem bold to label him with schizophrenia when it’s never said that that’s what he has. but during his time on lost, he displays many of the symptoms: paranoia, pathological self loathing, delusions and hallucinations. now, it’s a fictionalized depiction of schizophrenia and that’s probably not even what the writers had in mind but it’s none the less a really, really good and respectful portrayal of it

it would take too long to list off all the times when hurley displays paranoia (heck, it’s easy not to notice how much its a part of his character) and self loathing. delusions? the situations regarding the numbers and his bad luck (canon never ever Proves what hurley believes to be true regarding that stuff)

they did an episode dedicated to hurley having hallucinations. a man named dave who drives him to self destructive behaviour, self hatred and attempted suicide. fun fact: when people with schizophrenia in real life have hallucinations, they tend towards just auditory. hurley gets visual as well as per Rule Of Drama. this is not a bad thing, just a narrative tool

(steering slightly into headcanon for a bit here but i personally ignore the dharma made Hurley Bird they revealed in the epilogue and just take hurley hearing that bird say his name as an auditory hallucination. for two reasons: one, hurley hearing/seeing things that don’t exist is already consistent with his mental state. and two, that bird literally, genuinely did not fucking say hurley)

extra notes

to be clear, in case there's confusion, hurley really does have magical powers. he can talk to dead people. that isn’t a delusion or hallucination. you can understand how confusing and distressing this must be for hurley

he's had a compulsive eating disorder since he was ten due to the pain of his father abandoning him. his struggle with this is well documented

at several points during the show he’s shown to have trouble spelling. he especially confuses his “y(s)” and “ies”. it’s not clear if this is due to poor education or a learning issue. or both, really. it’s safe to assume with him being poor, mexican and mentally ill, that school wasn’t easy for hurley

hurley has unjustifiably lived at mental health institutions on at least two occasions (the first time was against his will, second was volunteer)

john locke

depression

locke suffers from severe self esteem issues, and i know most lost characters do, but i mean to the point of irrational and destructive behaviour. he has an obsession with being deemed special in order to justify his existence. he also suffers jarring mood swings. (he can switch from calm and jovial to angry and defensive at the drop of a hat). when he was wheelchair bound, this threw him into a depression. when he failed to convince anybody to come back to the island, he attempted suicide. he would have gone thru with it too. he will go to extremes to make sure things stay the way he wants them to (killing an innocent woman so they can stay on the island, tying up and drugging boone so he won’t tell anybody about the hatch), and will fall into despair if he fails

also note that the things im saying about locke are not a comment on people with depression. i don’t think all depressed people kill and drug people. those were statements on locke’s character that i believe are a part of his mental state. my point is: he’s emotionally unstable and he tried to kill himself. and i think his extreme need for validation (from people and the universe in general) is especially concerning

to me, this all says to me that locke has clinical depression

locke isn’t as easy as the other people on this list to classify as Canon Neurodivergent but at least to me, i think it’s very obvious. like i feel bad being so vague but like, basically, watch any locke episode

daniel faraday

acquired brain damage, severe memory degradation as well as other neurodivergent behaviours (i’ll go into it)

he’s played by jeremy davies. enough said

okay, jokes aside. at some point in the past daniel and his assistant theresa were involved in some vaguely referred to time based experiments. while she was catatonicized, the accident left daniel severely brain damaged (also daniel spent years doing radioactive experiments without head protection, which would not have helped and indeed that is foreshadowing of this whole debacle)

apparently this left him in a state where he can no longer take care of himself, having been assigned a carer. his most outstanding symptom is that his ability to process short AND long term memory has been impaired

short term: he’s shown to have issues retaining memories from day to day. he wasn’t sure if he had met charles widmore already (he hadn’t). charles lays some exposition on him and when daniel asks why he’s telling him this, charles says, with sureness, that “because by tomorrow you won’t remember this”. counting on that to be an absolute fact seems silly to me but that does seem to the case. again, Rule Of Drama is in play here

long term: he can no longer access memories he formed many years ago, famously the memories he formed with desmond in 1996. all in all, this condition is highly plot convenient. can’t argue with results, really

no, i can keep going, i got more, this is daniel fucking faraday we’re talking about: his ability to remember 3 playing cards has been impaired (note that this is a skill most 4 year olds master), he forgot the secret code the science team were all taught and when he introduces himself to jack there is a long pause, in hindsight implying that daniel forgot his own name

like real life memory conditions, theres varying level to how much he does and doesn’t remember. he’s thankfully not in a 50 first dates situation and doesn’t forget everything day to day. clearly he remembers people if they’re around enough, like during his time on the boat. charlotte, miles, frank, naomi...

upon landing on the island, his memory slowly gets better (considering his condition beforehand, the fact that nobody comments on this is staggering)

when dan is fully healed? i could not say, i could theorize, but such things are nebulous. but still, the times we see dan without his brain damage, he still behaves like a neurodivergent person. just not like he was when he was brain damaged. he stims near constantly, has a tendency to repeat names and words (echolalia) and it’s shown that dan compulsively counts in his head. he counted up to 864 beats, if i remember correctly, which is about 10 minutes of counting in his head. by no stretch of the imagination is that neurotypical behaviour

(im not trying to sound defensive. and i don’t think anybody, anywhere, is arguing that daniel faraday is a neurotypical. unfathomable)

going into headcanon territory again, his ND traits, when not brain damaged, say to me that he’s autistic and/or has OCD and possibly anxiety. thats all theorizing on my part tho. but the fact of the matter is, damage or no, he’s neurodivergent

notes

his apparent need for tactile sensory input is legendary in the lost fandom. in layman’s terms: him pet pet. not just people but objects too. humans, overall, tend to touch things to process input better. many ND people do it more, and it seems daniel is a case of that (i am not making a solid statement on jeremy davies’ neuro state. that’s his business)

he shows an inability to properly process grief

he also shows shocking indifference to his own safety, resulting in reckless behaviour. how much of this is a result of his mental state or his upbringing is up for debate. i think it’s a combo of both

without his brain damage, he appears to have an eidetic memory

danielle rousseau

trauma induced mental illness

pretty self explanatory. the loss of her expedition, husband and daughter, as well as 16 years of loneliness (on THIS island) has resulted in emotional instability for danielle. she’s prone to paranoia, trust issues, irrational behaviour

she’s just not well. she’s right most of the time but she’s not well

libby smith

indeterminate mental state 

libby was institutionalized (the same place hurley was sent to) and placed on medication (which seemed like sedatives to me, based on her expressions). in the show it’s not what clear what put her there, but having just done some research, i’ve discovered that Word Of God says that libby became mentally unstable after the death of her husband dave smith. so this is probably another case of trauma induced mental illness. she must have had a pretty extreme episode to cause her to be sent to a place like that. something to think about

but alas, it’s libby, so not much info. moving on

benjamin linus

anti social behaviour disorder (is my best guess)

oof. depictions of mental illness with characters who are immoral are depictions of mental illness nonetheless. i feel almost silly saying this but: ben is not... okay

ben displays issues (at best) with empathy, compassion and morality. how much he cares about other people is highly debatable but one thing that's certain is that he does genuinely love his daughter. everybody else is ????

but the loving alex thing rules out him being a sociopath or having narcissistic personality disorder. and it is genuine because when he loses it with grief, it’s not a performance, because the only audience is us...

he’s a compulsive liar, lying even when it doesn’t benefit him. lying just because. ben is highly unpredictable, which isn’t inherently a neurodivergent thing, but when a person goes from a calm discussion to strangling somebody, all roads point to Uh Oh (i don’t know the technical terms for Uh Oh). many of his outward emotions are performed (the difference between his fake smiles and few real smiles is noticeable). he’s manipulative, he treats people like objects for his benefit/plans, he’s self absorbed, he has zero issues with murder unless it’s a child. he does have some moral standards. but overall, uh, [just gestures at ben]

also ben is repeatedly offended when other people don’t trust him, which is HILARIOUS, but also shows a cognitive dissonance on his part

hmm i need more here, im gonna break out the big guns

that’s some basic info there and doesn’t that line up with ben?

the article goes on to say that people with this can put on superficial charm. that is, behave friendly and “normal” when they have to. which ben is shown to be able to do

and this

“Serious problems with interpersonal relationships are often seen in those with the disorder. Attachments and emotional bonds are weak, and interpersonal relationships often revolve around the manipulation, exploitation, and abuse of others.”

reminds me of his situation with juliet. and locke. and his “friendships” in general

i snipped the wikipedia article for this because unlike the rest i felt,,, underequipped to talk about this sort of thing

ben being mentally unwell is clear enough in canon and i think this disorder is what lines up best with it. please note that ben is capable of change and growth (like people in real life who have such issues) and like the show i’m not gonna paint him 100% evil or irredeemable. i’m just saying what’s true

notes

ben says at one point that he doesn’t dream anymore. it’s highly probably that this is a lie, but if it isn’t, well that's not good. it’d mean his brain isn’t entering into REM sleep properly, which can lead to emotional problems

ben doesn’t blink as much as most people do, something michael emerson did on purpose. this can apply to some neurodivergent people

it’s shown that he was quite nonverbal as a kid. in the flashbacks in “man behind the curtain” little ben barely speaks

honourable mentions

pretty much all the survivors suffer from PTSD due the trauma of the crash

a great deal of the characters suffer from PTSD from trauma in general due to their awful lifes. like, abusive parents, war, loss of loved ones, etc

and i must note that ben, daniel and locke suffering from parental abuse, ranging from emotional to physical, is something to factor into their cases

claire, similar to danielle, also suffered trauma induced mental illness due to the loss of her baby and feeling like she was abandoned

sayid is depicted as dead inside during season 6 due to The Sickness, so thats like a magical form of depression. and one could argue that he already had regular depression beforehand

boone joked about shannon having bulimia. (whether or not it’s true, boone is an asshole) if it’s true, shannon has an eating disorder, which is considered a form of mental illness. espech one so self image based

self harm

self harm is not an inherent part of mental illness but such concepts are often linked so i felt i should mention some of these, it’ll be quick

hurley’s aforementioned eating disorder

charlie takes heroin as a form of self harm (that isn’t a theory on my part, it’s clear as day that charlie started taking it because his sense of self worth was so low that the drugs felt like the only option)

locke, hurley, (both as mentioned above), jack, desmond, michael and richard have all attempted/nearly commited suicide

so what can we conclude from this? well that's up to you, really. that i love lost a fuck ton? that the actors and writing in lost is amazing? that all the neurodivergent based depth got saved for the boys? yeah

but i wanna conclude with this: a part of what makes lost really special to me is that these people i’ve talked out here? they’ve suffered, and oh boy it was tasty suffering, but all of them, yes even libby, were more than suffering

these people have nuance. one way or another, these people (to varying degrees) were happy at times. silly. funny. angry. opinionated. they loved. they were loved. they lived and breathed as human beings. that means a lot to me

lost is a story of broken people given a second chance. take that as you will

thank you for your time

[thicctransboi]

Newspaper Interviews Part 6 (Sam + Grizz)

Chapter Six in my AU Series of Sam and Grizz, Newspaper interviews 

It was New Years Eve, and Sam was as happy as he could ever remember. Ever since Christmas he hadn't been able to get rid of the smile from his face. Grizz was planning for them to go to Wright's Tower to see the firework display for The New Years Celebration. The two had become inseparable, texting non-stop, and seeing each other ever opportunity they got.

The pair sat in Sam's living room, just talking on the sofa. Well, signing.

"Meningitis? Wow. Do you remember.. Do you remember hearing at all?" Grizz asked, signing along with his words.

They had been getting to know each other so much in a matter of two weeks, trying to make up for lost time.

"I remember my mother's voice. The way she used to sing to me and Campbell. My dads laugh." He smiled to himself for a moment. "When I dream I still dream with sound. But not new sounds."

Grizz smiles sadly at the idea. "What would be a new sound."

Sam didn't hesitate. "My voice. I remember what I sounded like when I was younger. But Im guessing it's a little deeper now." Grizz chuckled at Sam's words. "I wish I could hear yours."

Grizz smiler, tears sprung to his eyes. Sam had always been proud of who he was, never insecure about his inability to hear. But to have made an impact on him enough that he wished he could hear his voice, it made Grizz emotional. In a good way. Sam brought out this side of him, the soft sensitive side that he had hid for years in school. So he signed: "Kiss me."

Sam leaned in, cupping Grizz's cheeks in his hands and pressed his lips against Grizz's. That new, yet familiar spark went off between the couple. Sam's lips were soft, and he tasted of strawberries. He was addicting. They had been alone in the house all day, Sam's parents out for the holiday. Grizz felt Sam's tongue glide over his bottom lip, making shiver's go down his spine. And of course, they were interrupted. Grizz pulled away when he heard footsteps approaching.

I'm walked Campbell, Sam's older brother. He was half dressed, in only a pair of torn ill fitted jeans. Campbell two years older than Sam, and they were complete polar opposites. Sam was kind and gentle, he put everyone's needs before his own. He wore his emotions on his sleeve, and was never afraid of what people might think in him doing so. Whereas Campbell, was a psychopath. Quite literally, actually. He was diagnosed. He was narcissistic, loved seeing people in pain for his own pleasure, and above all; he was cruel as can be. Especially to Sam. Grizz could remember Sam showing up to school with bruises, he could remember seeing Campbell yell at Sam and call him names, Sam always standing his ground, but even Grizz could see the fear in his eyes.

"Well isn't this precious? It's a literal fag fest in the middle of my living room. Just what I wanted to wake up to." Campbell announced, only bothering to sign the offensive words. Sam didn't need him to sign though, years of his brothers torment had made him learn to read his lips well, even when he was tired and several feet away.

"Nice to see you too, Campbell. Still living at home I see?" Grizz countered, not enjoying Sam's brothers presence.

In truth , Grizz had always hated Campbell. He hated his vibe, his essence, and the way he'd always leave Sam covered in bruises and looking horrified in school. Campbell had been held back a year, he could mimic emotions. Not intelligence. The kid was fucking creepy, and not to mention, a literal psychopath. Everyone knew it, he was bad news. And Grizz felt he needed to protect Sam from him, makeup for the years of silently watching and letting it happen.

"Grizz! I see college life has treated you well, finally experimenting with the rest of them. Pleasure to see you tongue fucking my brother in my own home, truly."

"Stop it, Campbell." Sam said sternly.

Grizz had never heard Sam speak up in such a way, let alone to Campbell of all people. He always appeared to take the beatings silently.

"Morning, Fag." Campbell greeted his brother, stalking over to the kitchen just a few feet away and pouring himself a bowl of chips.

"It's four in the afternoon." Sam commented dryly.

But Campbell didn't seem to be listening, chomping away obnoxiously at his chips. Grizz didn't like this. He didn't like seeing the way Campbell was in his own territory, nor the way he spoke to Sam. It made his skin crawl and his blood boil.

Campbell reemerged into the living room, towering over Sam and Grizz from his standing position, "Get a room, both of you. That includes you, fucking fruit. Now move, that's my spot." He pointed to where they were seated on the sectional.

"Why should we? You don't own the couch. For a 20 year old you sure act like a teenager still, not that I'm surprised. Grow up. " Grizz's voice was low, anger bleeding through his words.

Campbell simply laughed, tossing a chip in Grizz's face. "Move or I'll make you. Simple as that."

Grizz had had enough, rising to his feet. He was easily twice Campbell's size by the looks of him, both in height and strength. But Sam knew his brother all too well. He knew how fucked up he was. He was dangerous.

"Go ahead. Make me." Grizz said, his face inches away from Campbell's.

Campbell took a step closer to him, still obnoxiously chewing on his breakfast. "Do something then, fucking barbarian. That's all you jocks are, isn't it? Fucking cave men-"

Grizz knocked the bowl out of his hands, sending chips flying through the air. "Enough!" He shouted, his voice dangerously low. Not that Sam could hear it, but he could see the anger written across his face. "Go eat your 'breakfast' somewhere else. And I suggest you fucking change your attitude while you're at it or I swear I'll-"

Grizz heard a 'click' sound and glanced down, Campbell had his switch blade out, pointed at his abdomen. "You'll do what? Huh? Punch me? Fucking jocks, that's all you're good at, using your fists. Never using your brain. Out of all of them, I would have expected you to be smart enough to come prepared when picking a fight."

Grizz was seeing red now, Campbell was smiling. Which pissed Grizz off even more. He went to shove Campbell, but Campbell shoved back, nearly stabbing him in the process. Grizz dodged him easily, shoving him back again, his knuckles clipping the smaller boy's jaw.

"You'll fucking pay for that!" Campbell hissed, blood visible in his mouth. Grizz watched as he spit, a chunk of his tooth coming out with the blood and saliva.

He lunged at Grizz, knife aimed, yet completely calm. But,  Sam had seen enough, jumping up from the couch and pushing Campbell back, feeling a sharp sting in his upper arm but he couldn't seem to care. He stood in front of Grizz, His protective instinct taking over. He wasn't going to watch Grizz get hurt, not by Campbell.

"Stop it! Both of you! Leave him the fuck alone Campbell" Sam screamed.

People always say that a deaf person screaming is a terrifying sound. They'd be correct. Campbell even flinched back. He let out a laugh, shoving his knife back into his pocket.

"Ease up, retard. You'll make the rest of us go deaf. I'm going out, I'm taking the keys. Don't wait up." And with that, he was gone.

Sam let out a sigh, his adrenaline still pumping through his veins from the altercation. He couldn't say he was surprised, Campbell was like a horse loose in a hospital, you never knew when he'd snap and go rapid through the operating room. He turned around to face Grizz, and Grizz's eyes went wide. Sam had a gash in his upper arm, just next to his armpit; blood seeping through his grey sweater and spreading.

"Fucking Christ, he got you! Sam, you're bleeding!" Grizz yelled, running to Sam before stopping dead in his tracks at the sight of blood being so close. Sam's blood. "We need to get you to the hospital."

But it was too late, Sam couldn't read his lips, his head was spinning and his vision was blurred. He saw black just as Grizz caught him in his arms.

***

Three hours. 30 minutes of traffic, 30 minutes to get Sam stable, 30 minutes to stich him up, and now he was resting. And all Grizz could do was sit there and wait. He had tried to get ahold of Sam's parents, but they weren't answering their phones. Grizz sat there, at the foot of Sam's hospital bed, watching the rise and fall of his chest as he slept. His skin was ashen, and he appeared almost lifeless. The doctors said they had got there just In time, he had lost a lot of blood on the drive to the hospital, Campbell had hit an artery. He had spoken to the police, but Sam was 18, so he didn't have to have parental consent to be treated, and they weren't required to be called, so Grizz stayed when they didn't answer. But he would have stayed anyway. He felt like he couldn't move.

'I could have lost him.' he thought to himself over and over. He partially blamed himself for getting Campbell riled up enough to pull out a fucking knife, then Sam wouldn't have jumped in and accidentally got hurt. Guilt flooded his veins and he felt sick, but he didn't dare move. He wanted to be the first thing Sam saw when he woke up.

Grizz watched as Sam's eyes slowly drifted open sleepily. His large blue eyes found Grizz's teary brown ones. Grizz felt his heart skip a beat as he rose from his sitting position.

He sat besides Sam. "How are you feeling?" He signed, running his hand gently over Sam's good arm.

Sam sighed, "I'm alright, hurting a bit. Are you okay?"

"I almost lost you, and it would have been my fault."

Sam wiped a tear from Grizz's cheek, "It wasn't your fault," he signed, "It was Campbells. I'd do it again in a heartbeat, if it meant protecting you from him."

Grizz smiled, tears streaming down his face. "Be with me," Grizz signed, "Be my boyfriend? I waisted so much time, and I almost lost you. I can't do it again. Be with me."

Sam smiled wearily, "You have to ask?"