#im sad i didnt get a picture of one moment where dan was on all fours on stage and he uh. well. the arch BEJDBEJE

[bidgoodphan]

that show was uh. 🧍

[huphilpuffs]

flares

chapter: 25/? summary: Dan’s body has been broken for as long as he can remember, and he’s long since learned to deal with it. Sort of. But when his symptoms force him to leave uni and move into a new flat with a stranger named Phil, he finds that ignoring the pain isn’t the way to make himself happy. word count: 3065 rating: mature warnings: chronic illness, chronic pain, medicine a/n: a huge thanks goes to @obsessivelymoody for beta reading this for me!

Ao3 link || read from beginning

Dan wakes up on Thursday to a heaviness in his chest.

He groans before he even opens his eyes. His face is squished against a pillow, his ribs pressed too harshly against the mattress. Stabs of pain burst between them, make his muscles spasm and send his breath escaping in a stutter. He has to count, one, two, three, four to keep it from happening a second time.

It eases some when he rolls onto his back.

And he tries to comfort himself further by counting out how long it’s been since he’s been able to sleep on his stomach. Too long, probably.

He’s been getting better, though. Even staring at the bedroom ceiling through his tears, Dan knows that. Knows the he’s helped Phil with dinner the last few nights, and managed to handle the curtains being open for a few hours yesterday.

His hand smoothes across his sternum, and he pokes at the painful spots in his sides until the sharpness dulls.

It’s enough to let Dan sit up, then stand on shaky knees. He tosses Phil’s pillow back to where it belongs and tucks the duvet into place to prove the voice in his head, wondering why he’s suddenly worse again, that he’s fine.

And to ignore the second voice, telling him it’s anxiety that causes your pain, over and over again.

His appointment is in a day.

Dan’s hardly slept for three.

He tries to swallow back a sigh. Whatever rush of adrenaline had dragged him out of bed has faded, left fatigue settling heavy in his bones again. He could drag himself to the lounge, curl up in his blankets and continue his new daily routine of watching people on YouTube for hours.

But his body aches and his eyes burn, and he crawls back into bed instead.

The voice in his head grows louder.

Dan grabs Phil’s pillow, clutches it ot his chest and presses his face against the fabric, breathing deeply.

It smells like Phil.

He holds it until he falls back asleep.

---

The afternoon drags.

It’s past two when Dan wakes up again. The flat is still empty, the bed unmade again. He crawls out without bothering to fix it, makes himself a sandwich, and settles back on the sofa, where he can rest his head against the cushions and ignore the tightness around his heart.

Every time he turns on his phone, it’s too a notification reminding him he has an appointment tomorrow that has his muscles seizing, making it ache to breathe.

And to a reminder he half regrets setting, since he’s ignored it for days.

Call mum.

There’s only a few hours to follow through with it now.

He glances back at the clock that tells him it’s just ticking past three. Twenty-five hours left, says the voice in his head. It sounds like the last GP he saw, who looked him in the eyes and told him to try acting like he had more energy, who told him it would help.

You should try it, his mum had said afterwards. You never know unless you do.

Dan’s thumb swipes across the screen. He finds her contact, sucks in a breath, and hits the call button.

He doesn’t breathe again until she picks up on the third ring.

“Hi, Dan,” she says.

He hasn’t heard her voice since he decided to stay here. It feels like a lifetime ago, suddenly.

“Hi, mum.”

There’s silence for a long moment. He can hear her breathing over the line, low and steady, and wonders if she can hear the shakiness in his.

“How are you?” she asks

“I’m okay,” he says. “I, uh, have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow.”

“Oh?”

He swallows, nodding even though she can’t see him. “Just with my new GP, but I’m hoping he might be able to help me,” he says. “With, well, you know.”

“I hope he can.”

She sounds sad. It’s been a long time since Dan’s heard that.

“Me too,” he says. And then, because he can’t handle the silence: “But, uh, I was hoping you could maybe help me figure out my medical history, to prepare? I don’t remember all of it from when I first got sick.”

Back when she was responsible for it, he doesn’t say. Back when anyone could keep track of all of it.

“I’ll text it to you, okay?” she says. “I know your memory isn’t always the best, and your wrists tend to ache from writing.”

“Really?” He slams his mouth shut, the click of his teeth probably audible over the phone. “I mean, thanks.”

She chuckles, quiet, distant, like he can hear the miles between them. “I’m not always heartless, you know,” she says.

Dan’s breath comes out in a rush. Guilt bursts in its place, painful, bringing tears to his eyes. And he wants to tell her he never thought she was, but he can’t. She knows he can’t. He doesn’t even know what he thinks about her now, crying, hands shaking as he clutches his phone too tightly.

“Can I ask you something?” she says. “Without you getting mad?”

“Yeah.”

“How are you doing?” she says. “I know you don’t think your problems are with your mental health, and I’m not implying they are–” the not this time goes unspoken “–but I know you’ve had bad experiences with doctors and you’re my son.”

His breath catches. A tear rolls down his cheek, and he wipes it away with his hand.

This is his first appointment without her, he realizes. The first one in six years that she’s not driving him to, waiting outside or sitting next to him for the length of it. The first time she won’t smooth his hand over his knee in the waiting room, telling him it’ll be okay, that doctors can be trusted, even though they’d been proving otherwise for so long.

“I’m okay,” he says. “Phil’s coming with me.”

“That’s good,” she says, like she means it. “I am glad you have him, you know.”

He almost reminds her what she thought of him living with Phil last time they spoke, but his heart aches and his eyes are stinging and he doesn’t want to fight, not this time.

“Me too,” he says. “He’s the best, mum.”

She sounds like she’s smiling when she says: “I’d love to meet him, one day.”

Dan swallows. He can hardly picture it, bringing Phil back to a house filled with terrible memories and people he still doesn’t trust entirely. And yet there’s a tug in his chest, a bittersweet image forming in the back of his mind.

He doesn’t say anything.

Neither does she, for a while.

“I should get going,” is what she ends up saying. “As long as you’re okay? I’ll text you your medical information in a little bit.”

“Okay,” he says. “I’m okay. Thank you.”

She hums. “And Dan?”

“Yeah?”

“You should call your grandma. She misses her sofa buddy.”

He chuckles. It aches. Suddenly, he’s exhausted again. “Okay. I will,” he promises. “And mum?”

“Yeah?”

“No news is good news, okay? If I don’t call you after the appointment, I mean.”

“Okay,” she says. “Bye.”

“Bye.”

The line goes dead.

His head falls back against the cushion and his phone drops onto the sofa. Tears are rolling down his cheeks, and he’s not entirely sure he knows why.

Or maybe he just can’t untangle all the many, many reasons.

---

Phil’s quiet when he gets home.

He takes the smoothie Dan didn’t touch and sets it on the coffee table before dropping onto the empty cushion. His arm is draped across the back of the cushion, his hip just inches from Dan’s, as he turns his gaze to the open laptop, lit up with another Smosh video.

Dan’s been watching them mindlessly since his tears dried on his cheeks.

“This is a good one,” says Phil.

It’s an older one, the production value a little cheaper and humour a tad outdated. Probably more similar to what Phil had watched back at uni, Dan thinks. He tries to imagine it, a younger version of Phil, one with longer hair and a slightly narrower frame, sitting in a uni room like the one Dan moved out of before coming here.

He hardly can. Maybe because his mind is still muddled, hanging onto words he said during the phone call, onto all the things he should have said but didn’t.

“It is,” he says, just as the video ends.

He doesn’t start a new one.

Phil’s fingers sweep across his shoulder. In Dan’s peripheral, he can see Phil turn to look at him, but he doesn’t look back.

“Are you okay?” asks Phil.

Dan swallows. There’s a lump in his throat, a pressure behind his eyes so harsh it aches.

“Didn’t sleep very well,” he says.

Phil squeezes his shoulder. “I know.”

That makes the corner of his mouth quirk up. Of course Phil knows. He was there, arms wrapped around Dan as he fidgeted, tossed, and turned. His hands had combed through Dan’s hair, and his quiet questions about if Dan was okay were mumbled against his shoulder, his reassurance felt in his touch.

Phil usually falls asleep pretty quickly, Dan’s learned. Last night, he didn’t.

The hand at his shoulder tightens. Dan finally turns to face Phil.

“Is that all that’s bothering you?”

His eyes are soft, almost sad, as his hand rubs gentle circles against Dan’s skin. He knows. He must know something’s up. Dan has to remind himself that Phil’s seen him after countless sleepless nights, curled up in soft blankets on the sofa and dozing when his mind gets too tired to keep racing.

Today isn’t like that.

Dan reaches out to rest a hand on Phil’s knee, needing to feel grounded, as the first tear rolls down his cheek. Phil draws him closer, so Dan’s head is by his shoulder, his tears dripping down onto the fabric of Phil’s shirt.

There’s no pressure, none but the weight of Phil’s hand on his shoulder, when Dan says:

“I called my mum.”

Phil goes tense. “Oh,” he say. “How did that go?”

Dan swallows. “I don’t know.”

He really doesn’t. His chest feels too full with contradictions, the weight of past accusations crashing up against her understanding tone and he doesn’t know what to think anymore. He’s never been sure how to exist around her, not since pain first settled in his bones and she told him it was growing pains, it would pass, it would get better.

And it never did.

“I haven’t talked to her since I told her I was staying in Manchester,” he says, maybe as an afterthought, maybe because it’s felt heavy on his shoulders since he answered the phone.

“Was she nicer this time?”

He nods. Another tear falls. “She’s texting me my medical history,” says Dan. “She offered, because she– she knew I had trouble writing and remembering.”

Phil hums. His breath has gone even again. His mouth is close to the top of Dan’s head. He sounds hesitant when he speaks. “It sounds like she cares.”

Dan feels that, sharp and painful in his gut. Another tear rolls down his cheek, and his breath catches, and Phil holds him tighter like he’s scared Dan will fall apart.

Maybe he will.

It’s been so long,

He’s been so that sure she doesn’t actually care.

Now, he doesn’t know what to think.

---

His mum texts him.

Dan almost cries. His teeth dig into his lip and his ribs ache and he stares, wide-eyed, at the list of diagnoses and unexplained symptoms he’s had over the years. There’s the migraines they never treated at the beginning, the lightheadedness it took them four years to explain, the instructions to do more exercise that dot the whole six years that he’s been ill.

The first time he went to therapy, and the antidepressants they put him on, and the second time he went to therapy.

And every time he told his doctor he was still sick after that.

Phil’s hand lands on his wrist, gently pushing the phone from Dan’s line of sight. His voice is barely a whisper when he says: “Are you okay?”

Dan swallows. His throat aches.

Laid out like this, it doesn’t look that bad, a distant voice in his head that’s haunted him for too long tries to remind him that maybe he’s just making it all up. Maybe it wasn’t that bad. But Dan can remember the A&E doctor who turned him away because it was growing pains. Can remember the so many times his blood pressure was low before anyone bothered to point it out.

The time his doctor looked at him and said–

“Can we do something?” says Dan. “I want to– I need a distraction.”

Phil nods. In Dan’s peripheral, his phone screen goes black. The knot in his chest loosens, just a bit.

“Wanna play video games?” says Phil.

He shakes his head. “Wanna go out. It’s been too long.”

Phil’s brows furrow, like he’s about to point out that there’s a reason it’s been so long, about to warn Dan that he doesn’t want to make himself sick before such an important day.

Except part of Dan does. He’s done it before, forced himself to be in pain because maybe that way the doctors would actually see that he wasn’t lying. Not that it’s ever worked.

“Please?” he says.

Phil squeezes his wrist. “Okay.” His thumb drifts across Dan’s, careful and comforting. “Where do you want to go?”

---

Dan squeezes into his skinny jeans, even though the fabric burns his legs. He pulls a shirt over his head for what feels like the first time in forever. Though his knees are shaky, he bends down to tie his own laces, as Phil watches from where he’s leaning against the door.

“Are you sure about this?”

He reaches out, without a word, to help Dan stand again.

“I’m sure,” says Dan. “And don’t worry, you won’t need to take me to A&E this time.”

The corner of Phil’s mouth quirks up, and Dan knows he’s forcing it. He can feel his worry in the too-tight clench of Phil’s hand around his, the way his gaze trips over Dan legs when he wobbles as he stands.

He squeezes Phil’s fingers, forcing a smile of his own, as he opens the door.

It’s warm outside. The sky’s going purple as the sun sinks below the city. Dan realizes, staring up at it, that he hasn’t left the flat since he trip to A&E, hasn’t enjoyed being outside in far too long.

If his joints would let him, he’d suggest they walk around a bit. Instead, he stares up at the clouds and reminds himself to spend more evenings, when the sun won’t burn his eyes, on their little balcony, just to feel the wind against his cheeks again.

Phil tugs on his hand when the cab pulls up in front of them. They pile in, side by side in the back seat. Dan doesn’t put on his seatbelt. He can’t be bothered to deal with the harsh rub of fabric against his ribs.

His chest is still tight, the quiet buzz of anxiety at the back of his mind growing louder. He can still feel his phone, heavy in his pocket, can still imagine the text he hasn’t yet responded to. He can remember their last movie night, laughing and gasping and falling asleep with Phil’s hands trying to massage the pain away.

They hadn’t even gone out last time.

Dan stares out the window and hopes he can keep his promise that it’ll be okay this time.

They slip out of the car at the cinema. Phil pays the driver. Dan leans against the wall as he waits, wondering if the lines inside are long. It’s been so long since he’s been to the cinema, he can hardly imagine it anymore. The screens usually hurt his eyes and the audio gives him a headache and he doesn’t care today.

“You okay?”

Phil’s smiling at him, standing by the door. He holds it open for Dan, and buys their tickets for a random comedy neither of them particularly wanted to see. He lets Dan go find a seat as he buys them popcorn, soda, and a chocolate bar to share. He hands it over, in the darkness of the theatre, with a smile.

Between them, their knees bump together as the film starts.

---

They’re holding hands when it ends.

Dan’s eyes are starting to burn and his chest aches from laughing, but the voices in his head have dulled just enough that he can breathe a little easier. He doesn’t think about the appointment he needs to show up to tomorrow, or the doctor he hasn’t met yet who might dash his hopes all over again.

He stares at their joined hands as the cinema empties, smiling.

“You ready to go home?” says Phil.

Dan shrugs. He probably should give his spine a break by sinking into the sofa again, close his eyes against the bright lights of the city before a headache wells in his temples. But he doesn’t want to sit in the dark and wait until tomorrow, letting his fears return.

“Can we get pizza?”

“You up to walk?”

He nods. Phil helps him to his feet and leads him out of the cinema. He knows Manchester better than Dan does, and tells a story about coming to watch movies with Ian when he was younger as they find the nearest pizza place. Dan listens, maybe more attentively than he needs to, to keep his mind from going hazy as the city moves around him.

There’s still a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth.

Dan wonders if him of a few years ago would have believed that he’d end up here.

The restaurant they end up in is small and quiet, and they slide into a booth in the corner of the room. Dan sinks back against the cushion, realizing that Phil’s smiling, too.

His chest feels warm. His fingers twist in the tablecloth, because part of him misses holding Phil’s hand.

“Thanks for tonight,” says Dan. “I had fun.”

Under the table, Phil knocks their feet together.

“I did too,” he says.

[mushroomminded]

Walkman (3)

The police came for Jake the next day. 

Two cop cars and an ambulance pulled into the apartment complex’s parking lot and a group of official-looking people made their way to the door, knocking sharply. Aaron was no stranger to seeing cops around, but having them at their door was a new experience. Aaron tucked himself in the kitchen as he listened to Donna scream through the door for them to leave. At some point the front desk buzzed them in. 

The next few minutes didn’t seem real. 

There were two officers standing over his mother, calmly asking her questions as she screamed in their faces, a woman in a suit was looking around the building, taking pictures and writing notes. She looked long and hard at Aaron as he stood in the kitchen corner. She wrote something down in her book. About 3 people in blue latex gloves kept going back and forth between the propped-open front door and Jake’s room. At some point they came in with a stretcher, at another they left with Jake on it. Aaron noticed he was crying, turning on the wheeled stretcher, face twisted in pain from being moved. He didn’t have the walkman with him. Donna followed them out the door, screaming, but the officers followed close behind. 

In the quiet of the apartment, only Aaron and the lady with the camera remained.

“Are you Aaron?” she asked, standing with the kitchen table safely between herself and the boy.

Aaron nodded. She set her things on the table. 

“Your brother is going to be okay,” She said, “We’re here to help help him feel better.”

Aaron didn’t respond. His eyes wandered cautiously from the woman’s face to her stack of things on the table.

“Are you safe here, Aaron?” she asked. 

Aaron looked up at her in confusion.

“Can you tell me what your mother will do  when we are gone?”

Aaron’s heart clenched in his chest.

“I don’t know,” he whispered.

In the end, he was put in the back of a cop car. Donna followed all of them into the parking lot, her cries muffled as the door to the car slammed shut. A police officer was in the driver’s seat, and the woman who talked to him was in the passenger’s side, scribbling something on her clipboard. 

“Where’s Jake?” Aaron asked quietly, the sound and sights around him starting to blur together. He had pulled the walkman from its place in the drawer before the woman led him outside. Now he fidgeted with it in his hands.

“He’s in the ambulance, sweetie,” the woman said, pointing as the larger car pulled out of its spot and started out of the parking lot. The car he was in followed suit. “We’re just gonna make sure he’s okay.”

Aaron was quiet for the entire ride. At some point the cop noticed the walkman in his hands and encouragingly asked him what was in it. Aaron didn’t respond. In all truth, he didn’t really know the answer. 

---

The hospital was very boring. There was a lot of waiting around and doing nothing. Aaron sat in the hallway by himself, kicking his feet off the floor as he was too tall to let them dangle. He gripped the walkman firmly in his hands. Every now and then someone would come by to ask him some questions. Sometimes the woman came back, sometimes it was a cop, sometimes it was one of the hospital workers. All of them crouched in front of him and spoke softly, rising and leaving when they were satisfied. Some asked about Jake, some asked about Donna, some asked about him, some asked about the walkman. Aaron answered the questions as best he could. He never once put the headphones on and listened to he walkman. 

After a particularly long stretch of quiet, where no one asked him anything, a nurse came and beckoned for him to follow him into the room. Jake was there. He was leaning back on the bed and a tube was plugged into his hand. Aaron noticed some of the bandages were missing, and the cast on his wrist was changed to a much smaller brace. Aaron smelled fresh shampoo and soap on Jake when he stepped closer, never really realizing how badly he had smelled of sweat and grime at the house before. 

His fingers clasped around Jake’s and he gently placed the walkman in Jake’s lap, just like he had last time they were here. 

“How you feeling, Aaron?” Jake asked quietly.

“I don’t know what’s going on,” Aaron admitted.

“Do you want to listen with me again?”

Aaron nodded.

---

They let Aaron stay the night with Jake. Jake dozed off early on, his body seemingly the most at peace it had been in a long time now that he was properly dosed up on painkillers. Aaron curled up in the bed beside him, his head pressed to Jake’s, pressing the play button again and again to start the CD over, letting the music sing him to sleep. 

In the morning, they had visitors. Aaron recognized Dan as he burst into the room, nearly tripping over himself as he ran to Jake. Jake laughed and threw his arms around his friend despite the pain it undoubtedly caused him. He laughed and laughed and he wouldn’t let go, his own skinny arms around Dan’s back and Dan’s big strong arms around his. He laughed until there were tears in his eyes. 

“I missed you so much!” Dan cried, releasing Jake gently with a smile

“I missed you too!” Jake said, letting the tears fall, but Dan wiped them from his cheeks. “I missed you so so much.”

“Are you okay, is everything okay?” Dan asked, eyes flitting over his friend, noting the casts and bandages and the collarbone sticking slightly more prominently than usual from the collar of Jake’s gown. 

“I’m fine, I’m just... so happy to see you.”

Dan smile so warmly, then he noticed Aaron on the bed beside Jake, he leaned over the bed. 

“Thank you for getting this to him,” Dan said, giving Aaron’s shoulder a squeeze and motioning to the disc in the walkman.

“Yeah, of course,” Aaron said quietly. 

It was then that another handful of people walked in the room. There were two adults and about 4 girls who all looked strikingly like Dan. Jake smiled and greeted them all by name. 

It was weird to Aaron to see Jake so happy. Amidst all the noise, Aaron had quietly slipped from his spot in the bed and wandered back out into the hallway. Jake never smiled like that at home. He never laughed when he saw his family. He always looked so angry and sad around them. He always thought that was just Jake but somehow even in the hospital, barely able to move, Jake was happier than Aaron had ever seen him. 

Aaron sat in the same chair he sat in the day before. With no walkman to fidget with, he played with his fingers. 

There was another burst of laughter from the room.

Aaron wondered where his mom was.

Aaron curled in on himself, pulling his knees to his chest and wrapping his arms around them. Suddenly, in this hospital hallway, he felt horribly, terribly alone. 

“Hey, Aaron,” a voice broke his thoughts. Aaron’s head whipped up to see Dan standing beside him, head tilted to the side.

“You okay, bud?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. Just thinking.”

“Can I ask what about?”

“Nothing.”

“Well, if I may, I have something I’d like for you to think about,” Dan said, seating himself cross-legged on the floor beside Aaron’s legs. For some reason, Aaron expected a scolding, as if Dan somehow just knew this mess was his fault.

“Your mom’s gonna be with the police for a while so we were wondering if you and Jake wanted to crash at our place for a bit,” Dan said. Aaron looked at him in surprise, but Dan seemed not to notice his expression. “My big sister moved out and we have a spare room that you guys can have all to yourself.”

“You want me to come?” Aaron asked.

“Of course,” Dan said with a soft smile. “You in?”

Aaron didn’t respond for a moment because surely this couldn’t be real. He nodded sharply. Dan smiled and stood, offering Aaron his hand. Aaron took it. It was big and warm and he followed Dan back into the hospital room where everyone was talking and laughing and Jake welcomed him back to his place in the bed, carefully putting an arm around him. Aaron rested his head on Jake’s shoulder and in that cold, white hospital room, something felt weirdly like home.

[the-kipsabian]

so hey lemme tell you about my main man daniel avidaniel since today is his birthday and im not sure if ive shared this story with the world yet/in a long ass time

year 2013. i am a depressed student trying to get a degree on a dead job field for a title that today actually means absolutely fucking nothing. i find this magical land called youtube and by some twists and turns end up watching game grumps

jon leaves. im sad. it takes a while, but dan happens. im like, ‘alright cool we’ll see what happens with him’. i gave him a chance, i liked him. he was funny, adorable, and fit pretty much picture perfectly in my aesthetic of a tall lanky ass musical nerd boy

summer 2013. i listen way too much ninja sex party. my life is pretty much saved cause i felt happier than i did in a long while before that, thanks to this ridiculous music i found that makes me smile and deal with stuff with more happiness. they actually acknowledged and liked my tweet regarding this fact as well (..that i thought i had screencapped but apparently not but trust me this moment does exist)

comes november 2013. now this. this is where our story takes place. everything else so far has been the relevant backstory to this, its been building up to this very moment. you know what happened in november 2013? i started writing my novel. you know what else happened in november 2013? that fateful episode of wind waker where dan talks about his past with depression and what its like to be an artist

you see, i never trusted myself prior to that point. tbh before that episode aired and i watched it way too many times to count, i was 99% ready to give up writing what i had worked on so far. i was ready to call it quits, i wasnt good, nothing fucking mattered. then the episode hit, it hit me hard, and its like.. he went through this shit. im going through this shit. he survived. i can survive. he believes in me. im fucking crying excuse me

anyways. that episode, the real talk with dan? it encouraged me to continue writing, i eventually actually finished that draft of the novel, sure it was and still is shit but at least i have it. i did it. and from that day forward as well, ive been more open about calling myself a writer and believing in those words myself as well. because of dan. cause if nobody else, he believes in me

he made me believe im a writer. sure his words werent directly aimed at me and im aware of that, but you dont even understand the impact that stuff had on me. it made me finish a novel draft. A. NOVEL. me. a binch who hasnt done shit in years prior to that and who has always dreamed about writing a novel. i did it. he helped me. and all that real talk anyways helped me through so much rough shit at that moment its just. i have no words for it. he basically saved me at that point if im being honest with you here

(bonus part to this story; did u kno? my previous screen name was ‘mistressharper’. you know why despite how it sounded? again cause of that november story, but it also stuck around cause it was basically what i like to call ‘dan approved’. now of course he didnt say that he approved of it, and i dont have a link to prove this following statement either cause that video is gone cause fuck you polaris, but along came a really good episode of friendzone live (i believe it was the ps4 release episode? either that or the xbox one one) where they had dan and brian there too. i did my usual thing and tweeted dumb shit that they sometimes show on air, and one of my horrible tweets went through, it was read out loud on air and 1. dan laughed at it cause this pun was terrible and 2. as they flashed it on the screen, he read my screen name (i still remember his voice ‘ooh, mistress harper’) and he did this

long story short i freaked out, im still freaking out, and that name was dan approved so there. i have been acknowledged by my main man daniel avidaniel in at least some universe that i can claim to be mine cause theres a goddamn motherfucking ocean between him and my broke tiny ass so i will never meet him in person to tell him how much he actually means to me. rip me)

i fucking love dan avidan y’all hes my everything i dont tag him as sweet prince for nothing you know

[survivor-marianas-trench]

“I TOOK A PHOTO WITH AN ONCOMING TRAIN!!!” - EPISODE 2

Me not being first boot??? *NUT BUTTON MEME* Amanda slaying and staying??? *NUT BUTTON MEME* Carson going and me, Liana, Christine, Lily, and Sam still being here even though we aren't officially aligned???? *NUT BUTTON MEME*

Ahhh me and kait did that i didnt expect it, im not sure how everything worked ut but it was wild whew, so many votes, im wary of kait cause she mightve lied to me but im hoping i can trust her

i only sent 1 pic for immunity so then i get lowest and i have chance of getting to cave or exile or whatever the heck and then hopefully i get idol and win the whole game woohoo

Well, that was a messy af tribal but it worked! I mean after the hell I went through, voting rob, then voting Amanda, then voting daisy only to find out I was too late and had to stick with rob! Like wtf. And for daisy to go home on a 3-2-1-1-1 with 2 null votes.  Like ok. And now we have a selfie olympics!!! Currently I'm sitting pretty with a 30% advantage in the challenge and 84 photos of things with the beginning letter for M or T!!!! I really would like to win this and stay immune for as long as humanly possibly lol. These tribals are messy right now because loyalties are just being formed Speaking of loyalties!! AMANDA!! I already love her #ThanksAHud! And I'm so glad that we are buddies! I'm just hoping that things work out for the both of us

That vote was a mess it seemed on Rob and Kait's tribe. Glad they stayed and Christine survived too. I'm not surprised Kait's tribe already voted for her, meanwhile the rest of us are sitting over here like: https://68.media.tumblr.com/894a6591ab3e2d171e8fec5d31ecbaeb/tumblr_omkup57QeN1r1gu3po1_400.gif

So Darian wins immunity.... https://media2.giphy.com/media/Rhhr8D5mKSX7O/200.webp#6 but I am also like  https://media0.giphy.com/media/IqO3mXbMLztHa/200.webp#4 See, I love Darian, but the issue is, I'm not sure if i can trust him, so he sort of needs to go soon,  but I see him sort of clean sweeping these immunities and that makes me a little worried honestly. I don't know what to expect this time around, and I am about to start sweating.... https://media0.giphy.com/media/VB5WwlZIt8eRy/200.webp#1

I'm a mess *takes a shot of vodka* I had 125 photos and forgot to turn them in. I TOOK A PHOTO WITH AN ONCOMING TRAIN! 

This feeling around camp has been so strange and I'm not sure if it's because I won or just because every tribal isn't gonna be the same. I had more people talking to me for the first tribal like right after results were posted and serious game talk with the whole tribe. Yesterday night only Sam, Lily, Christine and Dan messaged me but we didn't even talk game. (Well I guess that's about the same amount of people, but like the conversations were less in depth like they were the first time.) I just feel aimless in this game and I don't really have a good strategy. I'm not even sure I want to make it far because it always gets ugly once you get far enough. Lily just solidified our alliance of 4 (Dan, me, Sam, and her) and I think it'll be easy enough to ride it out with them for a while. I'm wary because I don't have anyone I'm really close to (because these are people I usually don't play with!) so I kinda feel like I'm on the bottom. Lily and Dan seem to closest and I know in the past Sam will have multiple close allies and not necessarily stay loyal to one overall. Kelsey freaking randomly disappeared again! If anything I'd trust him a bunch because he's new and I can influence him more easily probably into giving me information and voting with me, but I can't do that with this weird continued activity/inactivity. Might he actually be a catfish? We will never know. Also!! Silly Gabby and Jonny having too much fun in One World last night. I knew Jonny was in Rakiura but that's basically it. Now I know they know each other irl probably thanks for the tea y'all!! (ricky, goodness, you have too many friends in this game since I'm pretty sure you know sara irl too with all these Washington/barista coincidences!)

Moments later...

Oh! Yeah I forgot to mention that I'm trying to get the tea about the loser place since unfortunately I did not lose. I'm not close to Veronica (as in I have not talked to her since Day 1) so I have low chances of finding out from her, but I talked to Billy last night and asked him to ask Chrissa about it. Though he said earlier how he's not close to Chrissa so I'll probably end up asking her myself! :/ Since I don't plan on going to loser place, I need to make friends with everyone who goes so they can give me all of their idols/advantages...or at least agree with me on how to use them!!

I want Sam gone!!!

Why was I stupid enough to pick the thing that makes me inelegible to compete in challenges? I'm an idiot. 

so i don't know how to vote this round and no one is talking! like are you guys serious omg 

Sorta feeling indifferent about the challenge I tried super hard! But either way congrats to all that won! Someone had like 100ish I think I saw? Oh hellll no girl doing the most. Nervous for trible tonight it'll be my first! I don't think I'm going home though, I talked to Jordan and he said hunter because he didn't submit anything for the challenge and is pretty quiet. I don't even know the kid but as long as it's not me ya know! TBH if it had been my decision I would have voted Julia. The girl has "I love being beautiful" or some shit like that as her fucking quote on skype like ew girl your hella extra. 

i like kait and amanda

I'm just like so over Sam so I'm trying to get him out as revenge for Eddie. Fake ass. If I can't get him out in Emathia, might as well get him out here.

20 minutes later...

My allies are Rhea, Kait, and Darian (even if he did vote for me). I like Emma but I know she's probably upset about the first vote. Sam and Steven, you can go. I can try and bring in Andie and Amanda close to me, but it will be fishy to do it now. That's on my tribe. I like Jenn too, and Sam, and Shea <3. You never know in this game, I might go out, but I think my position in the tribe may increase? I can see it. I love Rhea so much. She's the purest cinnamon roll I've ever met. <3 100%

OKAY! So now that I actually have time, I've been talking to people on my tribe a lot more. I've been talking to Billy, Chrissa, Jonny and Gabby and they all are reasonable people. Whilst talking with them we talked about how Hunter is pretty inactive in the game and that we could look at him as a potential first boot from the tribe. The whole twist of us being in One World and only have individual immunity has kind of flipped the entire game on it's head. Usually, weaker members of the tribe are targeted because they're a liability but weaker players don't really matter as much this season because tribal immunity exists. Which means that people that are stronger in challenges may start to be targeted to give those weaker people a better chance at winning individual. Honestly, good job Ricky and Monty because I've never seen this before and it's kind of fun. 

Well I didn't win the last challenge... My document glitched and I lost most of my pictures, but the fact that I would have won still keeps me going!

Kait is the best duo every she cuts the shit and gets right to the point and we murder everyone together its so fun. That being said I can't wait until i get to a point where i can work with my loves Luke and Dan. Also im going out and ACTUALLY having a social life so this is all the updates youre getting from me tonight! Wooooo

i cant believe i worked to get a self vote when i already had one like the FUCK why do bad things happen to slightly nice people 

I literally don't know what's happening bc I've been gone all day bc it's spring break, but I know I'm not going so BLESS

Well. Officially in an alliance with dan, Sam, and Liana. I love it. We are called the game changers but I wonder if everyone is doing that right now. Veronica should be going tonight, but I question if it should be shea. But I think Veronica is a good vote right now and shea would be better for the following vote. I don't know honestly if either goes it doesn't matter too much to me. I love this whole tribe but someone has to go. 

I confess to shovin a whole bag a jellybeans up my ass.

so basically this round i lost immunity again but idc bc i know these ho's and they not gonna do anything... I hope. So basically the plan was for veronica to throw immunity and get last so she could go on the reward and scout it out for steven and i bc us 3 r in a alliance. she did but she got a self vote. basically everyone wanted to vote veronica but bc of sheas fight with carson we r voting shea. i feel bad bc i like shea but i cant lose veronica this early. i put my neck out on the line so if i get sent home ill be sad but ill def understand why

ALLL RIGHT so this round i haven't done much/heard anything BUT IM WATCHING BAYKOR WILSON PLAY MUSIC AT JONNY FAIRPLAYS BIRTHDAY PARTY AND THE DEAD GRANDMA IS HERE 

My drunk ass needs to write a confessional in the next hour oops!! I hope that Veronica goes but apparently it's either Veronica or Shea. I just really hope it's not me. My tribe is quiet as fuck so I have no clue what's really hoping. Here's hoping my drunk ass makes it through 

i'm dead @ finding the idol. my goal is to idol liana out i think that'd be a boppin time, but for now i just wanna like continue not really doing a whole lot and let rob keep being out there on everyone's radar while i just say that no one talks to me so i can get more tea from them bc they think i'm in their back pocket. voting sam tonight.............i'm poppin' bottles! nah idrc about him leaving, he never talks to me and it's always like really forced when i go out of my way every fucking time to start a conversation with him. it's just really frustrating like i hate this tribe so much. social game says hello, freaks! i kinda hate having the idol because it's so much pressure to like play it at the right time and premerge is so delicate, especially with so many people and with me not really having a TIGHT alliance i just whew.

I think I'm going :( no ones socializing with me. Billy is just a cop out, says he doesn't want to throw out a name. Pssstt

My, my, my. What a LOVELY week this has been. So currently, our tribe is back at it again with dat council swag. I didn't do well in immunity, like I knew I would. However, if anyone can win, I'm very glad Miss Moana SNATCHED the title. Last tribal council, I flopped. I was inactive and that's unacceptable so this week I'm really pushing myself to be a deciding factor force like Ariana Grande deciding to snatch weaves when she breathes. With my reputation currently, I don't think people really assume that I even have it in me to be strategic. Little do THEY know...they are wrong. AHAHAHAHAHAHHAA. Now, Seamus has informed me that the vote is Shea. However, Seamus is a GOOBER. Shea and I have really become close and the fact that Seamus literally pms me to vote Shea BEFORE asking me how I am shows his inner Kesha: his True Colours. I don't really like the fact that Seamus is just treating me like a free vote because I know what his intention. I already can smell that he wants to drag me as a cute, innocent vote until he makes the merge with his best friends and takes me out. THAT'S going to be a no zone. Although that is the persona I'm going for, I feel like Seamus already has suuuuch a big plan for getting to the end and...I'm not a part of that. And if you're going to count me out, henny, count on getting to stepping. Or something exotic like that, tee hee~! I feel really nervous for Shea. I told her that Seamus was wanting to eliminate her and she immediately almost spoiled everything. She's an emotional player and that's the kind of I want to keep around. Those are the ones who never see through my fakeness and the kind that are targeted before good ol' sweetheart me. The only other option is Veronica so for this week, I'm going to try and flip a few people to do so. The last vote was so unified that it's quite scary actually...if things keep going the way they are, I have no doubt that eventually it'll be my log chopped by the axe. My advantage for this week's vote is that no one really has a reason NOT to trust me. With Veronica, they KNOW she's a scrappy player. And I believe I can use that to my advantage. Y'all don't know me, y'all don't know what I've been through! And NO ONE is going to believe that cutesy little Arianator weeabo is pulling strings. I learned from my past Tumblr competitions that playing aggressively gets out fast. I know now playing passively gets you treated like a child. Here...everything has to be subtle. Small little touches, here and there. And if you do enough of that, maybe the trickle of water can erode the rock. That's what I'm hoping to do here. If somehow, we can do the impossible, not only will I establish myself as a real C.O.M.P.E.T.I.T.O.R in this tribe, but I'll have pulled off a blindside that's really shocking and game changing. Maybe it's a bit too early to be calling shots...but I've got to do something. I think people already have caught on to the fact that something's afoot and the alarms are already blaring. I'm past the point of no return, so even if I wanted to, I can't allow myself to have regrets! I carry the name of a queen of BBCAN and a king of The Vampire Diaries. I'm here to slash throats, save my family and wear ugg boots. And hopefully...this is the start of something legendary~! Wish me luck, darlings! Certainly sincerely, Canada's Self-Proclaimed Favourite; Kelsey Mikaelson! <3

ALRIGHT...So I'm really hoping Shea goes this tribal cause like....He can't be chill for one second in this game.  Literally the plan was to get Veronica out but once he hears his name he quits? C'mon now.. Don't even get me started on Kelsey telling him his name was thrown out cause like!?!? We're doing that so no one gets in trouble here why are you doing this!?!? I just don't understand Kelsey like I really wanted to like her but...She's on thin ice at this point. I just hope this isn't a ploy and something goes wrong but I guess we'll see!

So like wtf is happening, cause I don't have a clue. I'm loyal to Emma and I guess maybe Rhea. Idk Rhea just talks to me sometimes but right now that is good enough for me. Right I'm just waiting for a tribe swap so we can stop going to tribal every round