#im really sorry i didnt finish this i just really couldnt force myself to

[blazesartbloglmao]

call them brothers

okay so prefacing this by saying i really have no interest in dsmp stuff anymore, ive moved on to other stuff. like, i still keep track of some of the stuff going on in mcyt but beyond that, im working on my own projects. that being said, this particular piece has been a bit of a sore spot with me.

i started working on this back when doomsday happened on january 6th of 2021, with every intention of finishing it. at the time though, it felt like nothing looked right. not the shading, not the characters...everything felt clunky and wrong and i just couldnt force myself to finish it. so there it languished in my WIPs folder, collecting dust as i worked on other stuff and eventually moved on.

then of course, as we all know, technoblade died and i felt like id been punched in the gut even harder. id only gotten into his videos because of dsmp but i loved everything he put out. listening to his streams was of great comfort to me while working on other things and i used to put him on when i was upset about something. i knew he liked to look through fanart the community made, and id originally started this thinking "maybe techno will see it!" of course, as we all know, he never did.

i still finished it though, back in november of last year. i had better designs for the characters, a better understanding of how csp worked and felt it was more up to the task of finishing this than medibang had ever been. this thing actually almost killed my laptop! it was insane lmao it didnt even have that many layers at the end.

and im proud to see it done. im glad to see it finished because even if technoblade cannot enjoy it, you all can and i can, and that's worth it in the end, i think.

sorry for the long tirade. i normally try not to get so personal on this blog (or any blog really) because this is the internet and beyond sharing what i make, i dont really like sharing things about me. but this little story felt too important not to share alongside the art. theyre intrinsically linked to each other and to only share one would feel disingenuous to me.

hopefully, you all enjoy :) blood for the blood god, always

[imightgetbetter]

(babe, i dont know whats wrong with me, but i feel like youd like this bit, tbf i thin youd liek the whole thing when its done but im writing it rn so have snippets, oove you <3, sorry about this )

"Hmm you like that, don't you? Like it when i tease you, dont let you finish"

A soft mewl, looking away, desoerate to hide

“Do you like it when i keep you on the edge, edging you?”

No answer, im too prideful, i am not willing to give in so easily, wheres the fun in that? His hands grip my chin, forcing me to face him, squeezing my cheeks, 

“Answer me” he growls it, a command i cant deny,

"Yes" I was breathless and lightheaded, I felt like I would have floated away if it wasn't for the meticulous knots holding the ropes together, intended for my safety, turning me on all the more. 

Matty picked up the knife again trailing it up the my chest, swirling the point around a nipple, licking his lips as he saw the nub harden further, he looked like he wanted to devour me, no doubt he would, even if he did let me finish, that wouldnt be the end, we were home alone all night, and im sure he was planning to use the time best he could, afterall, he said he was going to ruin me. 

"Please"

"Please, what?" 

Begging was hard: it require letting go of my power, my control, something i never really liked to do, but for matty, i'd do just about anything, with him looking like that above me. 

"Please"

 Matty bent down, his thighs tightening on my sides, knees digging into my ribs, 

 "Please, what?" 

His lips caressed my ear with each word 

"Please, stop teasing me? Please, fuck me?" 

At every question, my panting got faster, more frequently interspersed with moans and little whines, the mere idea of him doing anything more to me enough to get me going, i couldnt answer him, i didnt know what i wa sbegging for anymore, all i could think about was him, hair falling in front of his face, lips parted, chest rising and falling quickly as he looked at his handiwork, 

“Your fucking perfect”, trailing the fingers of his free hand up the valley between my breasts “you sound so pretty, you’re like art incarnate”

Fuck, i- uh, shit, get your thoughts together. I buckled, a tortured noise leaving my throat as I used my leg for leverage to rub myself up against the man above me. 

I knew that if Matty hadn't been as careful as he was, the sudden movement could have meant finding the knife causing some actual harm. 

The flash of realization of just how safe I was with the him only made me more desperately aroused "Fuck me. Please" it would mean losing the touch of the knife but it was a good compromise: it meant getting Matty that much closer, feeling our skin stick together with sweat and cum and saliva, a level of intimacy I craved with him. 

"Hmm, do you think you asked nicely enough?"

"matty–"

"Only because you look too pretty for me to keep from fucking you dumb"

If I hadn't been bound,  I would have taken those words as permission to finally touch the him, surge up and kiss him breathless until all Matty could think of was the way our bodies were made to crash together, make him feel the way he had me, to have him begging like earlier - but I was bound, so I stared up at my temporary lover, pupils blown wide with desire. 

Waiting. I'd never been good at that. 

 Matty let a smirk play on his lips

 "If only you could see yourself right now…" 

"Take a picture"  I snapped "Didn't you just say you were going to fuck me dumb? Or was that an empty threat"

Matty laughed; in the end, not even being naked and tied up could break my spirit - and  Matty didn't even want to i knew that much, i knew he liked being resisted just a little, hating when he got what he wanted so easily, he liked to feel like he earned it, like he accomplished it, maybe that's why we had always gotten on so well, we complement each other well, neither yielding without a fight. He bent down, no hesitation as he kissed the brattiness off of his lips, smiling as I kissed him back just as passionately, biting his lower lip and leaning up into it, pulling lightly and he removed his lips from mine once again. 

He plucked at the ropes, shivering at how rough it felt against his fingertips - shivering more at the thought of the marks they were surely leaving behind on  my skin, i knew how much he loved the idea, of leaving marks on someone, claiming them, and honestly, who wouldnt love to do that? : I would remember this evening with every brush of my clothes against my body, bruises where his hands had gripped me, blossoming onto my skin, blooms of lavender and periwinkle that would slowly fade into sage green and saffron yellow, marking me, reminding me of the man hovering above me. Everytime i look in a mirror ill be reminded of his hands on me, teasing me, using me. 

“Lets see how much prettier you are crying”

well jesus christ oh my god

[everything-i-couldnt-tell-u]

my mom still doesnt get that her forcing me to believe in god rn is making shit worse. i told her that the problems is her forcing me all the time to pray and become religious when in fact it just reminds me of before and is triggering me. she wont fucking understand that ill deal with religion once ive finished fixing my shit up. yk what she said to me? she said she's not gonna stop forcing me to become a christian cause she firmly believes its the only way to fix me. see? shes so closed minded and then expects me to become better. why not try listening to my reason that her forcing me to become religious just fucks me up even more? like bro ill be a christian when i want to but not now okay? cant she fucking understand that?

she kept forcing me to tell her what i hate sm about her cause she wants to be a better mom, and when i finally said its because of her forcing me to be religious, she says right into my face without any intentions of listening to my reasons that she wont stop it. she said shes gonna stop for a while, but once im mentally stable after therapy, she's gonna force me again. i cant with her anymore. i bet shes gonna go crying and controlling me if ever i become an atheist or maybe a different religion cause shes so obsessed with me getting saved and for me to go to heaven cause she loves me.

and you wanna know whats worse? i cant leave this house til i get a job cause i dont wanna starve either and i dont know a single shit on how to live and feed myself. i cant even cross the streets or buy things by myself cause she has always been gatekeeping me.

and then earlier she vents right into my face again that she's sorry she couldnt raise me like a great mom would. shes sorry that she couldnt support me. shes sorry cause she said her parents didnt give her any of those too. now im guilt tripped again and im supposed to feel sorry for her and understand her again? im supposed to suck it up one more time and get traumatized even further cause my parents are mentally unstable? am i supposed to pretend to do what she wants again just so i can escape from her nagging all the time? like she wont stop unless i do what she wants. but i cant leave this house either cause how the hell am i gonna eat? where am i gonna sleep?

she said shes gonna give me a link to a therapist that she might give me to, but at this state?? i dont actually know... my dads already closed himself off from us and theyre fighting bc of money again. its impossible that my dad would even be giving us something to pay for my therapy, so im not gonna get my hopes up.

and also whenever my mom argues with my dad, she doesnt shut up about god either. i kinda understand my dad why he just shuts himself off cause my mom's too close minded. my dads got issues too, like alot. but my moms just not someone you should really be arguing with cause she doesnt really stop talking about god.

when i tried confronting her that she's the problem and that her not shutting up about god was the thing making me feel worse, she said i was disrespecting god. see? i hate it so much honestly.

i dont wanna hear anymore of her and i dont want her trying to help me with this. its not helping i swear, but she insists and never gets tired of forcing god to me. i already told her im not ready to deal with that and asked her to stop. she said she'd temporarily stop and i hate it. she has no plans of stopping it.

im really just so sick of me being the bad example every bible study they do. im sick of them telling me my life was fucked up cause i never prayed. im sick of them. and i dont wanna hear anything about the bible anymore til ive recovered cause it just reminds me every time that my family sees me as some kind of demon. they see my rage as a symbol that the devil has control of me. its so fucking annoying. it was originally grief that i couldnt let out cause my mom shuts me up every time i break down. she forced me to suck up and not cry, so i ended up turning my sadness into this uncontrollable rage. this rage of mine was built up and was in me for years BECAUSE OF HER. AND NOW SHE TELLS ME THAT IF I DONT LET GO OF THAT RAGE IT WILL RUIN ME? WHO THE FUCK WAS THE REASON I GOT THIS RAGE HUH?

she said shes aware she was a bad parent before but shes asking for a second chance. she said i shouldnt shut myself off from her just because of what happened. actually she said she'd understand it that ill never forgive her, but it would be alot better for both of us if i wouldnt be so scared of fixing this with her...

that actually made me kinda regret what i did to you. yeah i was hurt a lot but by cutting you off from my life just made me more miserable, which wouldnt have happened if i tried fixing it with you. if i didnt shut you off and gave you a chance to fix it, then i wouldnt be drowning in my own sadness. im sorry if this is annoying cause i always dont know how to deal with my problems. im sorry if im still so conflicted right now and asking if i can come back to you when youve already let go and ive already hurt you by saying that im leaving. im really sorry for asking this but if you'd ever read this i wish i can come back. i wont forget that youve hurt me and broke my trust, but mistakes happen. i shouldnt be too sensitive and closing myself every time something happens. i know its too late but if it would really be fine if i come back...

[ihatebnha]

Thinkin about..... Amateur pornstar Bakugo 🥴

everything I know about porn is the bad stuff, so bear with me, okay??? 

(also, WARNING: I couldn’t bring myself to finish this, so its ending is horribly unsatisfying... but maybe you can request more to this another time!!)

i just didn’t want to leave this in my drafts getting all dusty all bc i couldnt finish it now....

-

Amateur pornstar Bakugo who goes by Dynamight and does like 5-6 videos and gets popular INSTANTLY... he’s the guy that everybody knows about but when you search his account there’s only a couple things with TONS of views… even his instagram is probably just like one blurry screenshot from a video… and it’s not even like people watch his stuff for the girl, because it always seems like the focus is on him specifically. 

(With shots of his cool and focused expression, his tight v-line as he rolls his hips, his big… hands… AHEM…)

Anyway, he works the ranks and blows up pretty fast, and it actually ends up that he can afford to be kinda picky (not that he wasn’t before, just now there’s more a choice), usually just going for other amateur girls who aren’t as popular. Mostly because he really doesn’t want to feed into the whole big pornstar narrative, but also because feels better when he does more lowkey stuff (as in, working with smaller companies) that lets him have a bit more control over the scene (see: less dramatics, and more intimate, classic positions that both aren’t too kinky but still give him leadership over the direction). 

(Also because he’s notorious for being pretty hard to work with if he can’t do his own thing. But because he’s so good at taking charge in a scene and knows exactly what to do… usually this isn’t a problem.) 

Because like yeah, he’s scarily sexy and in high-demand, but he pretty much just wants to mind his business and get shoots over with… turning down most large contracts all because he knows he’ll do fine without them and enjoys a kind of touch-and-go, solo career where he can focus on himself and not have to worry about people trying to get him to play nice. 

So that becomes his life and he continues to make bank just doing one time only videos with smaller stars, stuff like that... and people love him or whatever, and then, because of his popularity, he gets a couple offers to enter the world of... 

Nude playboy modeling! 

It’s convenient, pays okay, if not the same, and it’s really not like he’s doing any more or any less work than ever, right, so he doesn’t mind doing a few shoots now and then for some extra cash, especially since then, he doesn’t really have to fuck anyone. 

And that’s when he runs into you. 

It’s not really like you’re a huge star, basically just making a name for yourself when you can. You’re in a few videos here and there, acting as a sub for girls who get sick, doing very basic and vanilla stuff just because you’re not sure what direction really you want to go in, and yea, that includes some magazines shoots too because posing nude is equally as good an option.

So far, your pictures have mostly just been side pieces, small inclusions here and there as a background model with no real big spreads… which honestly, is fine with you! 

(I’m imaging you’ve done a lil Y2K spread with your titties looking all nice in Juicy sweats, or maybe a Fourth of July themed shoot where you were a pretty pin-up girl in your daisy duke get-up… but IDK, that’s just me…) 

But anyway, you’re doing your lil gigs as usual, and eventually, one of your distributors offers you a spot as one of the girls in a new Dynamight photoshoot that’s supposed to be coming out soon. It’s not really a big thing, basically just you standing around with a bunch of other girls, taking a couple pics with them and Dynamight when it’s your turn, and seeing how they all turn out… 

But I mean, hey, you’ve heard of Dynamight (like uhhh, who hasn’t?), and even though you know he’s supposed to be a pain, you agree to the whole thing because, even if it’s stupid, it’s likely that this will open up some more opportunities for you.

So time goes on, as it always does, you do your thing, and then suddenly, it’s the shoot! 

It’s pretty simple at first, you show up, they throw you in some nice lingerie, and the whole thing starts with you taking pictures with the other girls there before you do some with Dynamight himself. He manages to keep pretty quiet (despite all the things you’ve heard), you do the shots, and the whole thing, surprisingly, is over. 

It’s not like you were expecting anything different, right? 

Right. 

So you pack up, move on, and honestly just figure that because there were so many other girls with you, he was just probably too busy or focused to notice you. Besides, you were all pretty cute and it was still a good experience. 

It’s not until you actually get the photos back that things actually… change. 

First of all… you look fucking good. Maybe it was the nice lingerie you were in, or the way you had done-up your hair… but maybe it was the fact that what was really striking about the photos was that you looked good next to Dynamight? Like, really good. 

The contrast between you two is insane… with his veiny hands on your hips, his perfect, red eyes piercing next to your own… and even your softness next to the hard contours of his body… 

It’s really no wonder that before you’re even done staring at the picture with your mouth open that you get a phone call asking you to actually make a video with him… and holy shit. Sure, you knew of him before, vaguely… but he was practically untouchable, exclusive, an absolute legend… 

And now he’s requesting you for a solo video? Can you really say no? 

(Yes, but that’s not the point.)

So duh, you say yes to the offer… 

AND I’m sure you know what happens next...🥴

[symphonicmetal101]

Babysitting in the Devildom

Chapter Six: Beel- Dinner Indifference

"Beel n-"

Solomon had to cast a teleportation spell before he could even finish his sentence. Beel's wings fluttered furiously as he burst through a portal and into Solomons arms instead. He immediatly clamped down on Solomons shoulder and started to chew. Solomon sighed as he watched his cloak get drooled on, big violet eyes watching him back as more of the cloth disappeared into his mouth.

Solomon paused. Should he take Beel to you? You seemed to know what you were doing but you also already had Asmo and portioning out food for the rest of the kids...Beel would be in the presence of food either way. He glanced back down and the chipmunk-cheeked Beel and considered trying to take the cloak out of his mouth.  Buuuuut if Beel cried again it was his fault, again...but he really shouldnt be eating fabric...not that it would ruin his appetite but-

He was running out of time to make a decision as the delivery person made their way back to the door. Beel seemed content eating his cloak for now. Beel would be fine, right? Yeah- its Beel. Solomon tightened his grip just slightly on the baby as he approached the front door again, ready to take the bags.

He should have taken Beel to you.

It was like fighting Taz from Looney Toons as Solomon stumbled about, half eaten cloak and a blur of movement around him as he used small portals to keep the bag of food away from Beel.

Barbatos had walked into the kitchen with Luke, wondering if he could help somehow. You had taken Luke from him and used one hand while also sometimes directing him on how to help you while Asmo followed behind him to make sure each plate "looked pretty". Everything was going really well....until the other bag of food appeared suddenly in your free hand and you heard a demonic screech come from the hallway and a loud buzzing noise which was curiously silenced soon after, though Asmo had given you wide berth after hearing that. You sighed and asked Barb to continue portioning things and to go tell the rest of the kids that if they had to go to the bathroom, the time was now. You held Luke close to you as you ventured just outside the kitchen doors and nearly bumped into Solomon.

".....I can expl-"

"Why is Beel eating your clothes?"

You didnt really want to laugh for fear of waking Luke up, but a wide silly smile bloomed on your face as you watched Beel use both his tiny fists to stuff more of Solomons cloak into his mouth, wide eyes staring at you as he cooed a bit and continued to stuff his face, Solomons cloak almost gone.

Solomon had a combination of exasperation and amusement on his face. "Uh...well I didnt want him to cry or attack the food- o-or you so I.....I fed him my cloak."

"....wHY? Earlier you were summoning food for him- you could have done that again right- or multiplied the food we already have even if he ate the bags worth of food-"

You were still smiling, the whole situation a little ridiculous as Beel finished Solomons cloak and started to sniffle, pouting and making grabby hands to the air for more.

Solomon paused before a goofy smile spread across his face as he summoned a popsicle to give to Beel. "I. Dont. Know." He laughed a bit before smiling fondly at you. "This is why you're the one in charge." He started to walk past you into the kitchen, but not before a quick kiss was planted on your temple and a small smirk at your expression was given to you. You gave yourself a moment before joining him and Barb, and a slightly startled looking Asmo.

".....can I have a posicle before dinner too?"

Asmo looked up at Solomon, pleading who just shrugged. "Thats not up to me." He looked at you and smirked a bit. *Motherfucker*

Asmo gasped and skipped his way to you, big, pleading amber eyes as he batted his eyelashes. "May I have a posicle before dinner too please? Pretty please with a cherry on top?"

It was too much. From the way he asked politely, to the way he said popsicle, to his little pose and big ole eyes-

You looked around the table of happy faces as all the kids destroyed popsicles that Solomon had summoned for them, all save for Beel, Barb, Diavolo, and Lucifer untouched food in front of them.

"POPSICLES FOR DINNNNNERRRRR!"

"They said we still have to eat our food if we want to have dessert tomorrow."

"But I'm not hungry anymore..."

"....I guess I can try to eat some food but Im full from the popsicle..."

"LOOKIT IM PUTTING MY FRIES IN MY ICE CREAM!  But I aint havin the green stuff, thats yucky."

"You're yucky Mammon."

"HEY-"

"My father would NEVER let me do this!! Thank you MC!!!!"

A chorus of thank yous came from all of the kids, luckily before another fight. You sighed softly and forced a small smile as you said "youre welcome". You figured they wouldnt eat their food if they had popsicles. The bigger kids had eaten their food, and Beel had no problem eating his portion and Belphies who....oh. Belphie was sleeping in his mashed potatoes. You glanced around the table again, noting all the sticky faces and hands and...bodies in Satan and Luke's case. Solomon looked exhausted as he summoned another piece of food for Beel. Asmo was trying so hard to eat some more of his food but only ate a few more bites and looked a little upset. Mammon had eaten his fries, at least.

".....if youre full, give your food to Beel. Dont make yourself eat anymore, its ok. I just need to talk to Sol for a minute, ok?" You smiled as you walked to take Belphie out of his highchair and gestured to Solomon to put Beel in. He was a little confused but did so as you wiped some of the potatoes off Belphies face.

Levi spoke up very quietly. "Can we still have dessert tomorrow if we didnt finish our food for dinner?" The sound of plates being pushed towards Beel paused as the kids all looked at you, waiting for an answer.

".....it depends on how well you eat your breakfast tomorrow.." you smiled as the kids thanked you again as you asked Barb and Lucifer to make sure Beel didnt eat the actual plates as you took Solomon and Belphie into the kitchen.

"How are you feeling...you look exhausted.." geniune concern on your face once you had Solomon basically alone. His face twisted slightly and he sighed. "I had hoped the rejuevenating spell I casted would re-energize me more than it did...why? Are you worried?~" he smirked slightly, though it fell just short of smug. You rolled your eyes a bit and ruffled is hair, your turn to smirk as his face turned light pink and started to protest, pouting when you stopped, though you werent sure if it was because you stopped or because you ruffled his hair in the first place. You stopped his protesting by asking your next question, also avoiding answering his question. "Do you have enough energy to clean all of them or am I going to bathe them in an actual bath..."

"....I? It should be we..."

"Well if you're tired you should rest...I'll need your help tomorrow too..."

"I can sleep after the baths..."

"But if we're doing the baths then I need you to cast one last spell to keep the water in the tubs..."

"So I'll sleep after that spell...maybe..."

You gave him a withering look before sighing, though appreciative of his stubborness....for once. You smiled a bit.

"Alright then. Bath time. Especially for the babies. The bigger ones can probably just shower.... Belphie, Luke and Satan need baths the most. Beel made sure his food ended up *in* his mouth....the others..." you chuckled as you peeked back into the dining room, seeing only Barbatos' face clean, and Lucifer and Asmo both fussing over the little mess they had on themselves, Lucifer using Asmos mirror, and Asmo following Lucifers every action to get clean. You brought your attention back to the sleeping Belphie in your arms.

"....do you think he'll stay asleep for bath time?"

"Its Belphie. He could sleep through anything."

"Dont jinx it." You sighed softly and looked out at the kids again, some playing tag, others just watching. Satan continued to mash his food onto the platter in front of him, Luke giggling and copying in glee. Solomon tapped your shoulder to get your attention again.

"Are you ok? The bags under ypur eyes could hold all my potions-"

"Shut up- maybe if a certain sorceror had been more careful I wouldnt be as tired....not to mention the popsicle before dinner was a bad mov-" you were interrupted by Barb lightly tapping your arm.

"Sorry to interrupt, but I was just wondering if you want me to wash the dishes or just leave them in water in the sink....or if you have a dishwasher..." you were a little surprised when you turned and saw him carrying all the dishes from the table, and Lucifer behind him with garbage. Simeon was wiping down the table with a cloth, but gave the younger ones in high chairs some room. Diavolo was trying to talk to Lucifer, who just kinda kept nodding and saying "oh thats cool" before looking at you almost desperately. His look brought you back to your senses as you nodded at Barb.

"Just in the sink with water is fine, thank you Barbatos. Thank you for cleaning up Lucifer, Simeon. It makes a huge difference to me."

Barb and Simeon beamed, and Lucifer managed a small smile before shooting Diavolo a dirty look, but the other boy didnt notice, too busy rambling on about how this was so much better than home for the upteenth time. Ypu ruffled Lucifers hair as he walked by, and noted Diavolo's slight stumble in words as he eyed you a bit, but rushed past to go talk to Barb, glancing back at you, almost pleading, though your attention was divided again as you felt Levi hug you and snuggle into your side wordlessly. You patted his head softly and turned back to Solomon.

"I'll answer that question later. For now lets clean up. Then bath time."

Levi squeezed you a bit and beamed. "I love bath time!! I can do it myself! I promise, I can! I can!"

Though Levi couldnt see it, Mammon was mocking him from behind. You gave him a bit of a "look" before the hem of your shirt was being tugged at and you were met with those same amber eyes that had persuaded you into giving everyone treats for dinner. "I love bath time too! Me too! But you have to watch me. I make great bubble hair dos! A-and guess what? In the water, it might look like I have legs, but really Im a mermaid!"

"And Im a sea dragon!!" Levi cried out, still wanting your attention. "And Asmo, you're not really a mermaid-"

"Am too!"

"Are no-"

"Everyone can be who or whatever they want to be, in the water or otherwise. Fooooor example, I'm actually a sheep, see I go baaaaa" you smiled softly, and winked at Levi before turning to Asmo again who was practically dancing at your side, bursting to ask you a question. "Whats the prettiest animal you like mc?!!!"

"....whats your favourite sea animal mc?"

"Whats the coolest animal mc! No wait- whats your favourite animal?!"

"Yeah, whats your favourite animal?!"

"Oi, I asked em first!"

"Guys its ok, you can all be my or your favourite animal. Theres more than one of each." You chuckled, listing off animals as more questions were asked, meowing at Satan as you handed Belphie to Sol and took him out of his chair, who happily meowed back as you lead your noisy little zoo to the communal bathroom.

Masterlist

[zmayadw]

Evening all :)

Alrighty, lets continue with the story :)

Wish you all a nice evening!

CALL OF THE RAVEN

PART 19

The next few days i bussied myself working, Jake doing his thing. We barely talked, every effort of his to start a conversation with me ended quickly. I hated myself for doing this to him, but i wasnt up for anything. I turned my phone off, but he took it and turned it back on, saying he will take care of it. Me? I just wanted a few days of peace without those fricking calls messing with my mind. So i had my headphones on, loosing myself in the music, focusing on my work. I saw, ofcourse, when the calls occured, frustration growing at him for yet another failure at locating the call. The close4st he got to it, was that the calls came from within Duskwood. But that meant as little as nothing.

On the morning of the third day, things wernt much different. Coffee was waiting for me when i woke up. I took a shower, taking the coffee, giving Jake a quick kiss, moving back to bed. He still looked worried, the rings arround his eyes starting to show. But he didnt force me to anythig, he just left me be. I took my headphones, the sound of music making me forget the world arround me. I was lost in my work, when i noticed Jake standing next to the bed, handing me my phone. I took the headphones off. „It's Jessy.“ He said, „She's calling for the third time allready.“ He looked at me pleadingly, and i sighed taking the phone from him. „Hello, Jessy.“ „Finaly!“ her cheerful voice chimed from the other side. „Trying to get ahold of you is tougher then trying to call the pope himself!“ she laughed. „Haha, very funny.“ I said, sounding a bit sassy. „Oh my, who stepped on your toe?“ Jessy replied a bit hurt at my sassiness. Jake looked at me intensly, and i cursed for snaping at her. „Im sorry, Jessy“ i started appologetically, she didnt deserve this. „Been feeling a bit 'under the weather' lately, its no excuse to snap at you.“ „No worries, Maya, i understand.“ She said. „Even more of a reason you need some fun!“ she chimed. „Put me on speaker, i want to talk to both of you.“ „Uhm, alright.“ I said, lowering my phone, putting her on speaker, Jake looking puzzled at me. I just shook my shoulders at him, having no clue whats this all about. „Alright, you're on speaker, go on.“ I told her. „Good! Hello, Jake, by the way.“ She said cheerfuly. „Hello, Jessy.“ He answered. „Now, you two are comming later to Dan's place for babrecue and to hang out.“ She chimed from the speaker.“And dont try to make an excuse why you cant, i dont wanna hear it!“ she said stern. „Be here arround 4. And ill text you Dans address later.“ She didnt let us say anything „Allrigh, thats settled then. See you two later.“ She chimmed, adding before she hung up „Oh, and Jake, let Maya breath a bit!“ she said teasingly, making Jake rise his eyebrow at the phone, and me smiling at it. „Later you two.“ „Finaly.“ Jake said as i lovered my phone down. „Huh?“ i looked confused at him. „You smiled.“

I was sitting on the bed putting my sneakers on. Jake was taking his laptop and some other things from the desk, stuffing it all in his backpack, along with my phone. „You're taking all that with you?“ i asked. He turned to me „Well, i want to be ready, in case of..“ he trailed off, and i finished „In case of any new calls.“ My mood darkened again. Jake came to me, crouching infront of me. „Maya, i know this is frustrating“ He took my hands in his. „But i cant help if you turn your phone off and ignore the calls.“ He looked so tired again, and worried, his eyes dark, matching my mood. I hated it. Everything was starting all over again. But this time it was me that was most affected by it all. I sighed „I know, you're right, but its eating at me inside, Jake. It feels like darknes is creeping at me, slowly taking all the joy and happines away.“ My words made his eyes look even darker, his face showing all this was hard on him as much as it was on me. He lowered his head on my knees, and i ran my hand through his hair. „Its killing me to see you like this.“ He said it so desperatly, my heart squeezed. „Hey“ i said softly, making him look at me. „I'll be fine.“ I wished we could just run away somewhere, leave all this behind, forget the world exists. But with my luck, shit would follow no matter where i go. I smiled at him „ We should go. Or Jessy might send SWATs if we dont show up on time.“ He smiled at it, getting up, pulling me from the bed „Lets go.“

We walked in silence to Dan's place, each lost in our own thoughts. As much as i didnt want to go, maybe this would be exactly what i needed. And I was happy i'd see Jessy, her cheerfulness would be welcoming. We stopped at one of te houses, Jake announcig we're here. It was smaller,a single storey, but i found it the perfect size. It had a nice big back yard, grass neatly mowed and fence trimmed. We came to the front door, Jake ringing the bell. Dan opened it grinning at us „Whoa“ he said „Who got you two in such a 'good mood'? You look like shit!“ „Gee, thanks Dan, again, thats exactly what i wanted to hear.“ I told him, Jake silently standing beside me. „Aww, Maya“ Dan started „Like you dont know me by now. I always say it as it is.“ He grined at us, and i chuckled „Unfortunaly, i'm aware of it.“ „Well, come on in, Jessy is already impatiante waiting on you to show up.“ He ushered us in. „Just continue straight to the kitchen“ Dan instructed me. I entered the kitche, Jake and Dan following. Jessy smiled at seeing us, running to me for a hug „Finaly! I was worried i would have to send Dan to get you!“ she said cheerfuly. „I dont doubt you'd do it!“ i said, letting her go. She turned to Jake now, hugging him. He was surprised by it, looking all fidgety, not knowing what to do. He hugged her back akwardly, and i chuckled. Jessy let go of him, noticing him being uncomfortable. She winked at him „Oh, dont worry, Jake, i dont bite.“ I couldnt keep it anymore, so i laughed. It was Dan that came to his rescue, patting him on the back, „Dont scare the poor guy, babe. Rather give him a beer.“ Jessy grined at Dan, turning to the fridge, grabbing two beers, handing them to Jake and Dan. Jake took a sip, calming his nerves „Im not scared.“ he said, turning to Jessy, still being a bit uncomfortable. „Dont worry, man“ Dan said to him in his dramatic way „I get you, she can be scarry sometimes.“ Jessy looked at Dan furiously, throwing a rag at him, as he stuck his toung out at her running to the other room. Jake chuckled at it, but she looked at him all serious, making him avert his look, taking another sip of the beer. She turned to me „Want some wine?“ „That'd be great.“ I told her smiling. She poured a glass and handed it to me. „Oh for the love of it!“ Dans voice ringed from the other room. I looked at Jessy questionably. She sighed „He is trying for the last hour to connect the outside speakers so we can have some music in the back yard. Unsucessfully, as you might notice.“ Jake said „I'll go help.“ Jessy smiled at him. „Thank you!“ „Hey, i dont wanna stay here to test that theory about you biting.“ He grined at her, leaving the kitchen to join Dan. Jessys eyes opened in bewilderement, turning to me „Did he just joke?“ I chuckled at her „He's getting better at it.“ We both laughed. She got back to finish the salad she was doing when we came. „Can i help with anything?“ I asked „No, you just sit and relax, i'll join you any minute.“ I sat at the table, taking a sip of my wine. Few minutes passed, when music was heard through the open doors leading to the back yard from the kitchen. „Finaly!“ Jessy exclimed cheerfully. „Thank you, Jake!“ She yelled. „No worries.“ He yelled back. „Hey, i helped, too!“ Dan yelled sounding offended. „Ofcourse you did.“ She yelled back sarcasticly, making me laugh again. She came joining me at the table. „So, how are you, Maya?“ she asked. „I've been better.“ I answered honestly. „I'm tired, Jessy.“ I sighed „All thats happening is becoming too much on me. I feel like im drowning, and at the same time i feel numb.“ She looked at me concerned. „I'm barely keeping it together. If it wasnt for Jake..“ i trailed off. He really was the one keeping all this madness of mine at bay. „He is worried about you.“ Jessy said, hesitating for a moment before she continued. „He called me yesterday.“ „He did?“ i asked surprised. „He was desperate, Maya. He had no idea what to do, it was eating him alive. He told me what happened. He begged me to help, mumbling something like he let you down. I barely managed to calm

him.“ „Shit.“ I said, lowering my head on the table. „I never tought I might make him feel that way.“ I looked back at Jessy „I would crumble to pieces long ago without him.“ „I know that, Maya.“ Jessy squeezed my hand. „Just talk to him, dont shut yourself out.“ She smiled softly at me. I smiled back, going to her for a hug „Thank you, Jessy. You are the only one beside him that can pull me back on my feet again.“ „Im here for you, i told you that before, and i mean it, Maya.“ She said to me hugging me tighter. We pulled apart and she got up. „What are they doing in there? They should be out in the back already!“ she exclimed, moving to the doors of the next room where Dan and Jake wer. „Dan Anderson!“ she yelled from the doors. I joined her, laughing at the scene in front of me – Dan and Jake wer sitting on the floor playing a game. Boys will be boys, right? „If you dont put down that controller and get your ass out in the yard right now, i swear to God...“ Dan tensed and jumped up in a heartbeat at her words „Yes ma'am!“ Jake chuckled at Dan, but Jessy turned to him now „Hey, hackerboy, dont you laugh, you're joining him!“ Jake was up on his feet even faser then Dan, and they both started walking reluctantly out of the room. Dan passed us, but suddenly turned to me. „Hey, how come she can call him 'hackerboy', but you go beserk when i do it?“ he asked being dramatic again. I smirked at him „She can call him whatever she wants.“ Jessy burst out laughing. I turned to Jake going for a kiss. I whispered to him before i moved „I just said it because im scared of her myself.“ Jake laughed at it, quickly kissing me once more, going after Dan.

Jessy lowered a cup of coffee in front of me, going back to sit. We stayed in the back yard after eating, dusk slowly setteling in, the sky in multiple colors. It felt calming. At the end, I was glad we came, i needed this after everything that was happening. Even if the sight of my phone on the table in front of Jake did make me feel uneasy, i decided to ignore it. I had to pull it together. I couldnt let this shit get into my head so intensly, or I would definatly go insane. And learning from Jessy that Jake was affected by it so much, just made me more determined at it. It was Dan who broke the silence, bringing the tention at the table. „So, Maya, are we gonna talk about those calls and everything now?“ Jessy shot him an angry look, Dan not paying attention to it. „No, we are not.“ Jake said calmly, before i could even speak, a hint of frustration noticeable in his voice. „O really? And why not?“ Dan asked lookin at Jake fiercly. „Because, it doesnt concern you.“ Jake told him, returning equaly fierce look. „Whoa, you fucking kidding me, man?“ Dan said, raising his voice „It most definatly concern me.“ „And why the fuck is that?“ Jake hissed back at him, frustration rising up at him. Jessy was silent, and so was I. There goes a nice evening, i tought to myself. „Because“ Dan started, hising back „I consider Maya to be my friend, so if she is in trouble and needs help, im here for her.“ „She doesn't need your help, she's got me for that.“ Jake was already on the edge of loosing control, but Dan didnt care. He snorted „You mean like last time?“ „Dan, i'm warning you...“ Jake told him, barely containing himself. „Dan, stop it!.“ Jessy begged him. „No, I wont stop.“ He told her, being agitated more and more now. My head began to puls, all this was going too far now. „Dan, dont.“ I pleaded, but he barely spared me a look. „He wasnt here when shit hit the fan last time, Jessy, I was! We were, not him!“ Jake tensed for a second at Dans words, pounding his fists so hard on the table „You fucking moron, dont you think i wouldnt have been here if i could?!“ He was furious now, i had to interfere before this escalates for the worst. „Enough!“ I shouted, shooting up from my chair. They both looked at me surprised, but still furious. „Thank you, Jake, but i think i can speak for myself. The question was dirrected at me, after all.“ i told him, rubbing at the side of my head with one hand. He slouched in his chair, stung by my words. Dan smirked, but i turned to him „And you, you know damn right why he couldnt be here, you have no right rubbing it to his face like that!“ He fel silent at that. „Now, if you two are done with this 'cock fight', great, we can discuss it like civilized people. Otherwise, both of you can go to hell!“ I sat back, my head still pulsing, all looking astonished at me. No one spoke for what felt like eternity, Dan finaly breaking the silence again „I'm sorry, Maya. I didnt want for this to happen.“ He said, looking apologetically.“What i wanted to say, to try and make Jake here realize once and for all, is that we are here to help.“ He turned to Jake now, all that rage from before replaced with sympathy „Damn it, man, i have no clue what kind of 'friends' you had in your life so far, but you gotta learn to trust people and let them help.“ I took Jakes hand in mine, and he looked at me „Dan is right.“ I told him softly „And you know it.“ He sighed. He wasnt used to this, looking to others for help. He always relayed only on himself, but it was time for a change. He turned to Dan. „I apologize...for calling you a moron.“ I squeezed his hand, him bringing it up to his face, landing a soft kiss on it. Dan looked back at him, still serious „You mean 'fucking moron'?“ We all turned to look at him, and i tought all will start going downhill again. But then Dan grinned, Jessy hitting him on a shoulder for messing with us. I shook my head, smile appearing on my face. Dan extended his hand toward Jake „Look, man, i meant it, if you need help with anything, dont hesitate.“ Jake looked at him for a moment, accepting

Dans hand in a tight grip „Thanks.“ Jessy grinned at them, saying teasingly „Aww, i think this is the beginning of a beautifull friendship!“ I burst out laughing, Jessy joining me. Both Dan and Jake looked at us in disbelief, when Jake turned to Dan „I think i need another beer.“ Dan looked at him, nodding his head in agreement „You and me both, man. C'mon.“ He gestured for him to follow, as Jessy and me laughed even harder.

After all the tension, the rest of our evening was quite entertaining. Jake felt more realxed, but still got uncofortable at Jessy's openness and teasing. And him and Dan getting along after everything was welcoming. It was pretty late when the two of us said our goodbyes and left. The streets wer silent, only our footsteps echoing as we walked towards motel. Sleep was slowly getting at me, and i shivered from the nights chill. Jake threw his hand arround me, pulling me closer to him, his vicinity making me feel warmer instantly, and I leaned my head on his shoulder. „Thank you.“ I told him after a while. „What for?“ „For tonight.“ I said, smiling. „I had fun. It was exactly what I needed.“ „It was....interesting.“ He said. I chuckled „ Dont worry, i'll talk to Jessy to go easy on you in the future.“ He laughed „Thanks. I'll get used to her,eventually.“ I got serious „She told me, by the way. What you did.“ He tensed at it a bit. „Its fine, Jake.“ I said. He was silent, but I knew he was still bothered by it all. „Hey, talk to me.“ I said. He pulled away from me, putting his hands in his pockets. „Its just..I mean.. never mind.“ I stopped in place, Jake making few more steps before turning to me. „Jake, please.“ I said softly. He got agitated again. He was silent for a moment more. „Fuck it“ he said, raising his voice in frustration “I wasnt enouhg, Maya!“ „What are you talking about?“ I asked confused. He sighed and sat on the floor, leaning his hands on his knees. I came and sat infront of him. He looked desperately at me „I wasnt enough. I couldnt help you. I've let you down, again.“ My heart ached so much, it pained me to see him like this. „Jake, you didnt let me down. And you did help me.“ He snorted „You sure about that?“ „Yes“ I said, smiling at him. „Dont you get it, it was exactly what Dan was refering to earlier.“ „What do you mean?“ he asked. „What I mean , Jake, is that sometimes you need another helping hand.“ He still wasnt convinced. „But i'm suppose to take care of you, me Maya. To keep you safe, to make it all better. And i cant even do that right!“ „Jake, I would crumble to pieces long ago without you.“ i said softly „You make all this bearable for me. You are my light in all this darkness. So please, stop doubting yourself.“ He sighed „Easier said then done.“ I got up, extending my hands for him, smiling softly „Then, let me be your 'helping hand', I promise to take all that doubt away.“ He just stared at me for a while, before he took my hands, letting me pull him up. He leaned his forehead to mine and hugged me. „You are amazing, have I told you that already?“ I smiled „You might have, but pleast, dont ever stop.“ He chuckled and kissed me „Thank you“ he said, as the kiss ended. „For?“ i asked. „For being the way you are.“

We continued towards motel, hugged once again. I hoped my words eased his mind. Him opening to me more was a welcoming step forward, but still, much of the work to be done here. There was practically nothing I knew about his life before we met, and honestly, i wasnt sure how much of it I wanted to know, as much as I might be curious about it. I never asked him, and he rarely said anything of it. I knew that currently he was 'doing stuff' for someone, allowing him to be here freely. And I did tell him i'm ok with it, and that I trust him, wich i do, completely. But there was constant fear in me that things might turn for the worst again. With my toughts wondering off like that, i didnt realize we wer in front of motel room. Jake was about to put the key in the lock, stopping abruptly. „Jake?“ i asked worriedly, as he pulled my phone from his pocket. Another call. He set it earlier to vibrate, so no wonder I didnt hear it. He was about to answer when i stopped his hand „Dont.“ I said, looking pleadingly at him. „Maya..“ he said softly. „Please, Jake, just dont“ i said, sounding tired. I sighed „Just this one time, let it be. Give me just this one night, please, to feel normal again.“ I let go of his hand. The phone continued to vibrate, then stopped. „Thank you.“ I said relieved. He turned back to the doors, letting us enter. He went to the desk, taking his stuff back on it from the backpack. „I know we should have answered it.“ I said, standing next to bed, taking my sneakers off. „But i just wanted to go to sleep tonight with a smile, not worry and frustration.“ Jake walked to me putting his hands around my waist. „Well, i know of one way you can get rid off some of that frustration.“ He raised an eyebrow at me, his eyes sparkling. „Oh really?“ i asked. I turned us, so his back was facing the bed, and pushed him on it, situating myself on him. I intertwined my fingers with his on both hands, moving our now joined hands abowe his head. I leand to him as i did it, stopping my face just an inch from his. „Are you sure you want this?“ i asked teasingly. „I still have much of the previous frustration in me, it could last a while.“ His eyes flared at my words. He roled me on my back, our hands now above my head. He released one hand, moving it down my body, that flare in his eyes intensifying with every heartbeat. My whole body trembled with my own desire under his touch. He kissed me so fiercly, and said with a heavy breath as he broke our kiss „Good.“

[arthurflecksgirl]

Hiiii it's me again😂❤️ Can I have a ff where Artie Is at Arkham and it's his last day in. and x Reader comes to pick him up from the hospital🥺 and they go home together, and as always if you want to add some cuddles or She helps Artie to take a warm bath🥺 It would be nice

Oh my dear friend, thank you so much for the request. It was a very emotional ride and very intimate to write. I hope with all my heart that you will like it. Love you so much!

💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚

The moment the door opened you felt your heart crumble. That heavy, white door with the tiney window. He must have stared at this window for so many nights.

The bed was empty. For a second you feared that he broke out of the hospital. If that was the case they would find him and lock him up again. Way longer than last time. The thought of being seperated from him for another few weeks or months seemed unbearable. Looking back at the last weeks without him made you wonder how you managed to stay sane yourself. The empty bed, the stillness of his  empty apartment...it felt like the walls were closing in on you. Night for night was spent on his couch, alone, trying to remember his skin on yours, pressing his pillow close to your face to smell the remains of his sweat and shampoo that got caught up in the soft fabric.

He was missing from you like a part of your very own body. And now you`re gonna get your missing part back. Taking it home with you. Filling his apartment with love again.

Your eyes searched for him. That room. Standig between these four walls made you feel snowblind. All the white. Even Arthur was dressed in white.  The only contrast was his dark hair .

Arthur was sitting in the corner of the room. Crumbled up on the floor, like a piece of paper. Like a love letter that wasn`t well written enough to send it, so the writer just formed it into a ball and threw it across the room.

But you wanted to read it. Every sentence. Every letter. You wanted to take that page and uncrumble it. Make it readable again, to realize how beautifully written it actually was. Poetry. The purest form there ever was.

Arthur was the poem who remained unnoticed. Unseen by so many. Even by the ones who wrote him.

The doctor kept looking at you, talked about last night and how Arthur kept whimpering your name. But all you could do was focusing on that one curls that fell to Arthurs forehead. His head was hanging heavy on his shoulders. He looked downwards.

"Artie, darling? I`m here. " you got up to him to knee on the ground.

Arthur finally lifted his head. The circles under his eyes darkened  since you saw him two days ago. He looked exhausted as you gently stroke his hair. A tired smile crossed his sad eyed face. His curls felt greasy like he didnt washed it for at least a week.

"You look tired, darling"

Arthur tried to get up but he seemed so much weaker than he was when he got here.

"Im so tired, Y/N. I`m so very tired." He sat down on the floor again "You`re really here aren`t you?"

"I am.  Its your last day. I will take you home with me now".

Arhur started to cry "Can you please hug me. I need to feel that this is real. I want to hug you but....I can`t"

It was now that you realized that he was still in his handcuffs.

You wrapped your arms around him so tight you felt his ribcage poking you. Silent tears fell from his eyes onto your shoulders.  "I missed you so much, Arthur. I was so incompleate without your breath on my neck at night. "

He nodded, unable to answer. He just cried.

"Cry, sweetheart.its okay let it all out. It`s over now. You can go home with me. No more lonely night in this cold room. We`re gonna go home now and I`m gonna make you a nice, hot bath before we disappear under the sheets.

The doctor looked at you with disguise "A hot bath sounds like a plan. Mr Fleck refused to take a shower for 9 days straight. "

You didnt liked the tone in her voice.

"Why is he still wearing his handcuffs anyway?" you asked.

"Because you can never know with him." The doctor replied, giving him a dirty look.

You wanted to tell her how damn rude she was but you kept silent to not risk anything.

"And he refused to eat,too. We actually thought he wated to starve himself to death in here. Which is illegal."

The anger inside of you grew with every word she said, but you concentrated on Arthur and supported him to get up. "C`mon, darling. We`re gonna leave this place now."

Arthur once again fell into your arms, desperately trying to touch you with his cuffed hands. You held his fingers  inside your fist "You`ll feel better soon, I promise."

The doctor took a step closer and got the keys to unlock the handcuffs. "Goodbye, Mr. Fleck. " her voice sounded cold and heartless. You noticed her taking a step back as Arthur looked up to starte into her eyes. Almost like she was afraid of him. How could anyone be afraid of him?

Arthur didnt answer. The second his hands were free he hugged you with his whole body. So tight it felt like you shared the same jumpsuit. He held your face between his hands. They were as gentle as always. The most gently hands in the world. He seemed different. But still the same. His fingertips stroke your face, your cheekbones and nose, your chin. "I missed touching you, Y/N. Oh, I need to touch you so bad. "  The intensivity of his eyes never left, even when he looked as tired as  he did now. He was so touch starved. Just as you.

"Not in here, Mr Fleck. You know the rules." The doctors voice really got on your nerves. Did she had any idea how hard it was not being able to share your love ? Did she even knew how it felt to be in love? To be forced to leave your other half behind? At a mental hospital?

You both ignored her, touching each others faces "I missed the taste of you" he breathed upon your mouth, right before your lips met. Arthur kissed you with all that was within him. His mouth was dry from all the medication. His lips cracked.  But his kiss was full of love and admiration for you. Full of longing and pain.

Your fingers ran through his messy hair. It was getting even longer than usual. Almost reaching his shoulders.

"Please!" The doctor started to sound angry. "This is not allowed! You`ve got enough time in your hands when you`re out of this building".

Your lips parted again.

"Thats right Dr. Finn. Goodbye." you grabbed Arthurs hand and lead him out of the room.

Before you left Arkham Arthur was lead into the changing room, where he got rid of his white clothing. He looked so much more like himself when he got back. His brown cardigan made him look softer than ever before. He touched the soft, worn out fabric of it, convincing himself that this was all real. Grounding.

It felt good to leave this bulding which became his second home after so many years of being in and out. A home that felt more like a prison since there was someone waiting for him outside these walls.

The whole way home  on the tram Arthur rested his head on your shoulder, closing his eyes. He needed sleep.

"I havent slept for days" he whispered while you sqeezed his hand. "I couldnt close an eye without you by my side. Even the sleeping pills couldnt help."

"We`re gonna make you rest as soon as we get home, Artie."

Artur almost drifted off into sleep on the ride home. Leaning on your shoulder was enough to make him feel save enough to get sleepy.

When you arrived home you took off his sweater and pants "You`re freezing, baby."

"I know."

"Do you still want to take a bath before going to bed?"

"Yeah...please! I feel kinda... dirty".

You kissed his forehead and handed him a bathrobe "Put this on while the water is still running. It will keep you warm. I will make you some soup, okay? You gotta eat something,too."

Arthur nodded "Okay. But...I`m afaraid my stomach cant hold it. They gave me some new meds and it was getting worse again. "He looked ahamed as you walked into the kitchen to boil some water. "Dont worry, Artie. We`ll go slowly. But we have to try. I wont let you go to bed with an empty stomach today. It must have been days since you had eaten something. "

Arthur followed you into the kitchen. He needed to be near you every second. He looked so lost in his bathrobe. So helpless.

"Alright, the soup will be  done when you finished bathing. " you smiled. Arthur mirrored your smile and followed you  back into the bathroom. He stil walked like he had his handcuffs on, which was a sad thing to wittness.

Arthur froze when you helped him out of his bathrobe and into the bathtub. He was even skinnier than usual. His body looked like he was close to a break down. His shoulderbone seemed like it was about to burst through his fragile skin. He`s got some small bruises on his wrists and his tummy was sucked in.

The warm water felt like an embrace as he let himself sink into it. He immediately closed his eyes and awaited your touch.

"I`m so gald to be home" he mumbled as you started to shampoo his sweaty hair. Washing his beautiful curls always felt very intimate to you. You had a thing for his hair. Every strain of it was holy to you. Every curl a poem.

You noticed a small wound on his forehead as you tried not to let the shampoo run into his eyes. "You`re hurt"

"I know. It was my fault. I did it to myself. I`m sorry if I disappoint you"

"Artie, you could never disappoint me. Do you hear me?"

He nodded.

"I love you more than anything, Arthur"

"My whole life I never loved anything else" he replied.

You stopped washing his hair for a second to lean in to kiss him. The warm water dripped down his forehead. You tasted his shampoo upon your lips.

He was home with you.

Life was sweet.

You took the sponge and washed away the pain and loneliness. Every bad memory, every sleepless night at Arkham. You washed it all way. Watching the pain dissappear in his eyes.

Arthurs musicles started to relax under your  tender touch. Even his tense tummy.

He was thankful for all the attention, the love. A smile crossed his face after he got out of the bathtub. You hugged him while he was still naked.

"You feel better now, sweetheart?"

" A lot, Y/N. Thank you. I`m trying to eat some soup now. Just for you!"

"Thats great, Artie. lets do it" you handed him oneof his sweaters. "Um....can I have....would you let me wear one of yours? " he asked with his little voice.

"Of course, Arthur. Oh god, sure. Wait I will get you one!"

A minute later you came back with your fave sweater. Arthur slipped into it like it was his.

"Thank you so much. Its so comortig to wear your clothes".

"Anytime, baby" you got the bowl of soup.

Arthur sat down on the couch. He didnt even asked for a cigarette.

You noticed his eyes watering.

"Whats wrong, Artie?"

"I`m afraid I might throw up. I`ll be so embarassing."

You took the spoon and put it to his lips "There is no reason to be ashamed. The important thing is to try. If you have to throw up its okay. "

"I threw up at Arkham and they yelled at me"

"I´m not gonna yell at you."

"I know....I know that." he whispered.

Arthur swallowed after you fed him the first spoon.

"Is that okay?"

"Yeah."

"Another?"

"Yeah"

You fed him three spoons of soup until he was close to spit it out again.

"Its okay, baby. Take your time. We`ve got all the time in the world to make you eat."

"Thank you so much, Y/N. I dont know what I would do without you."

Arthur waited five minutes until he was ready for another four spoons.

"I´m proud of you, Arthur. Really. You`re doing great.

"Thank you Y/N. For helping me with that. I think thats all I can eat for today. But maybe....tomorrow. Or later when I wake up. Maybe you can leave the bowl of soup next to my bed"

"Sure, darling." You kissed the corner of his mouth and placed the bowl on the table.

"Try to get some sleep now. I`ll be right here with you".

Arthur layed down on the couch as you joined him.

His huge blanket covered both of your bodies.

"Finally" he muttered, pulling you close to his heart, burying his face in the crook of your neck, kissing it gently as he breathed you in.

The familiar smell of his own sheets helped him relax.

"Y/N?"

"Yes Arthur?"

"Would you....like...sing me to sleep or something?"

"Of course,my love"

Arthur closed his tired eyes as your voice quietly echoed through apartment 8J.

"The moon is a silver dollar shining up in the sky

There is a dream we can buy.

Sweetheart you and I

The moon is a silver dollar

Made for lovers to share

And with you in my arms

I`m a millionaire

Our care in troubles

Will all be small change

Someday they all change

Into a dream come true

The moon is a silver dollar

What a glorious sight

Lets invest at him love

Tonight"

---

@impulsiveclown @ben-solos-writing-avenger @jokerownsmysoul @missjoker96 @arthurskitten @lynnesm @nonnymousse @gwynplaine89 @damnrightobsessedwithim @sgtsavoytruffle  @duhliriouss @sadjesterautumn @therealjokerking10 @flowerglitterwoman @thirstforfleck @spookyhome @iartsometimes  @you-cant-cry-in-here @bustafatclownnut @jokerismyhubbie @jokerflecker  @check-out-this-joker @darknessisafriend  @nicoleverse @mdme-rosary @arthurhappyclown    @neon-umbrella-for-stella   @cherrymoon75 @call-me-harley-quinn  @arthurjokersgirl

@aarthurfleckk @mylovelycrazyworld @clownalog @ajokerfangirl  @the-one-who-is-chaos

[flobro]

Omovember 2020

Day One - In a Vehicle

Kageyama x Reader

Kageyama’s PoV 

Could i get any stupider?

In the rush of Hinata, Y/n and I finishing our tests, scrambling into Tanaks sisters car and setting off immediately for Tokyo I hadnt had time to pee.

Hinata was sat in the front passenger seat as Y/n and I were in the back of the car.

To make matters even worse, i had a huge crush on Y/n and the nerves of sitting next to her were bugging my bladder even more.

I tried to keep my breathing steady because i knew that if i panicked things would only get even worse for my nerves.

I wasnt too desperate yet but the need was still there. We had only been driving for about ten minuets so i definitely couldnt ask how much longer we had to drive yet otherwise everyone would definitely know something was wrong with me.

I crossed my legs which seemed to ease the pressure a little bit and made everything a bit more bearable and i tried to focus my mind on anything but my need to pee.

I jumped slightly as Y/n tapped my shoulder five minuets later and i felt my bladder twinge slightly, making me squeeze my thighs together as descretely as i could.

‘Whats up?’ I asked Y/n, who sent me a stunning smile.

‘You look bored, you wanna listen to some music with me?’ She asked, holding out one of her earbuds to me.

I nodded and shakily grabbed the headphone, ‘Yeah, thanks.’

She just nodded, ‘No problem!’

We had to shuffle slightly closer to eachother so that the earphones could reach to both of our ears and i couldnt help but notice how my seatbelt uncomfortablely pressed down onto my bladder, making my desperation go from a 4/10 to a 7/10.

Hinata and Saeko (Tanakas sister) were chatting happily about volleyball and the tiny giant in the front seats and i was glad that they werent focused on me because then i would feel even more pressured.

Another fifteen minuets had passed and I had tried my best to get lost in Y/n’s music but now my bladder was almost at its maximum capacity and i was beginning to shuffle around a bit, squeezing my thighs together as tight as possible.

Y/n looked at me and yanked the headphone wire, making them fall out of both of our ears.

Y/n went closer to my ear and whispered, ‘Hey, are you okay? You seem uncomfortable?’

My body shivered at the feeling of her breath on my skin and it relaxed my body for a second, making a bit of urine leak out of me.

I gasped and crammed my hands onto my crotch, tensing my body up again, stopping the flow as fast as i possibly could.

Y/n’s eyes widened in realisation and i blushed a deep red, hiding my face away from her, waiting for her to tell me how disgusting and gross i am.

But she didnt...

Instead, she placed a hand comfortingly on my shoulder, her touch making my heart rate speed up even more.

‘Is there anything i can do to help you?’ She whispered to me once again, continuing to keep her voice low so Saeko and Hinata wouldnt ask questions.

I shook my head and tried to calm myself down. There was no way in hell that i was gonna show myself up in front of the girl i like by acting like a four year old.

‘N-no,’ I said, trying to act as calm as possible, ‘Im f-fine dont worry.’

She didnt look like she believed me so i slowly removed my hands from between my legs to try and prove that i wasnt as desperate as it seemed.

Bad idea.

As soon as i took my hands away, another bit of urine left me and i gasped once again, putting my hands back onto my crotch.

This time the flow was harder to control and i knew that there was a 99% chance that there would be a wet patch on my shorts.

Saeko and Hinata must have heard me gasp because their conversation stopped abruptly.

‘You okay back there?’ Sakeo asked and i felt my throat dry up.

Hinata began to turn around to look at us and Y/n and I both panicked, knowing he would see my obvious state of desperation.

Y/n suddenly unclipped her seatbelt and laid accross my lap gently, covering up my crossed legs and hiding my odd hand placement.

Her arm momentarily dug into my stomach, pressing on my overfilled bladder, forcing a two second stream of urine out of me which i painfully cut off, knowing that my boxers were almost fully soaked now.

‘How come your laid down, Y/n?’ Hinata asked her and she sighed.

‘I just feel a bit car sick,’ She said, ‘Do you know how long it will be until we get to Tokyo?’

*Slick* I thought to myself. She had somehow managed to cover up the fact i was about to pee myself AND had a good reason to ask how long it would take until we would arrive.

Hinata frowned, ‘Oh thats not good, i hope you feel better soon!’ and turned back around to look out of the front window.

‘We will arrive in half an hour but were gonna be on this stretch of road for another twenty minuets and wont see another place to stop for a while.’ Saeko said, sounding worried about Y/n.

Y/n frowned at me and sat up again, ‘Okay dont worry, im feeling a bit better after lying down but when we come across a place to stop it would be nice to be stationary for a while.’

Saeko chuckled slightly, ‘Okie dokie! Ill keep that in mind for you!’

Y/n mustve seen the tears in my eyes and my expression showing that i had completely lost hope as she placed an arm around my shoulders, hugging my side for a second before whispering, ‘Sorry i couldnt help you much. Dont stress out, we’ll find a stop for you. You’ll be okay.’

I got butterflies in my stomach from her touch but i ignored them, not wanting to focus on anything else other than holding myself in.

Y/n clipped herself back into her seat and I decided that i would have to speak up. Y/n already knew and Saeko wouldnt make fun of me. Surely i could just scare Hinata into keeping his mouth shut too.

‘C-can you drive a-any faster?’ I shakily asked, panic evident in my voice, ‘I r-really need t-the bathroom.’

Saeko immediately sped the car up, ‘Ill drive as fast as i can. We’ll reach a stop in about fifteen minuets. Can you last?’

I felt a single tear roll down my cheek, feeling pathetic and stupid, ‘I... I d-dont know!’

‘Its usually me who need to pee.’ Hinata said from his seat, making me bubble with anger.

‘S-shut up idiot! This i-isnt funny!’ I growled at him, unable to make my voice any louder.

I shifted uncomfortably in my seat, putting all my energy into keeping my muscles tensed as much as i possibly could.

My eyes widened as my body began to relax itsself against my will.

‘No... NO.. NO!’ I panicked, ‘YOU N-NEED TO PULL THE C-CAR OVER!’

Saeko quickly turned the wheel and brought the car to the side of the road and i unclipped my seatbelt, threw the door open, and scrambled out of the car.

As soon as i got out i immediately crumbled onto the floor, my legs giving out underneath me as my lap began to feel warm.

Wow. I had really gone and done it hadnt i? I pissed myself in front of my senpais sister, annoying volleyball partner AND my crush. Could it have been any worse?

My shorts were completely soaked and a puddle had began to grow around me. I couldnt even bring myself to try and stop it because my body felt so weak.

No amount of embarassment would ever compare to what i was feeling in that moment. I didnt even want to begin to imagine what Saeko, Hinata and Y/n were thinking of me.

Tears rolled down my cheeks and i kept my head down so no one would be able to see my face.

It took at least a minute for my bladder to fully empty. I felt so pathetic and dumb but there was nothing i could do other than just sit there and wait for myself to be finished.

A pair of shoes came into my line of vision and i looked up slowly to see Y/n with her hand stretched out to me, offering to help me up.

I looked away from her quickly, my voice barely above a whisper, ‘You s-shouldnt touch m-me. Im a-all gross. Even m-my hands.’

She crouched down and placed a hand on my cheek, wiping away one of my tears and making me look up at her, my face even redder.

‘I dont care. Dont stress about it okay? Its a human need. There wasnt anything you could do to avoid it.’ She said in a calm and genuine voice.

I nodded and she grabbed my slightly damp hand. I glanced at her face and she want even slightly disgusted.

I stood up and Y/n kept her hand laced with mine.

We got back into the car, I was sat on a towel. Saeko said that she didnt mind and strangely Hinata hadnt even mentioned it which i was thankful for. Although everyone was being very calm and unaffected by it, i still felt mortified. 

Y/n suddenly lent over to me to whisper in my ear one last time, ‘Dont worry about it so much. Ill always have a crush on you.’

My face reddened as i looked at her, ‘I h-have a c-crush on you too.’ 

Y/n giggled, ‘I guess that makes me your girlfriend then.’

~~~~~~~~~~

hey guys !!

this was my first time writing an omofic so i hope you liked it !!!

~ flobro 

[nico-idc]

random vent because i'm numb rn and feel like it

This is a vent post, ill probably talk about su!cide, self h*rm, eating disorders and depression. I’ll also cuss a lot, and things will not be censored. Also, this may seem insensitive to people experiencing any of this, sorry about that.  Dont read this if youre triggered by that.

Also, this is my experience with mental health. Everyone deals with it differently. 

So, If anyone doesnt know, I have depression and anxiety. And right now, I’m feeling numb as it’s often described by people with depression. But, numb isn’t a very good description. I can still feel. I’ll still smile if you tell me a joke, or if something funny is on a video. I’ll still cry if there’s something super sad. Emotion is just watered down. I feel it, but not as much as I should. Me and my boyfriend were talking, and i couldnt tell him I loved him. It’s not becuase I dont love him, but I just cant feel much of anything, so I dont want to tell him I loved him. Becuase If i did that, I felt as though I was lying. The funniest thing is, I randomly started crying. Still felt nothing, but hey, I had tears streaming down my face. Who fucking knows why. 

I havent been doing to great for a while now, but this is the worst i’ve ever gotten. Ive never felt numb before. I mean, I’ve felt myself starting to go through the motions, but i’ve never gone completely numb before. And before this i’ve had a few mental breakdowns. Hell, I’ve sat in a corner twice in the past month or so doing nothing but sobbing and begging myself not to move so I dont grab something sharp and cut myself. (I did not relapse, don’t worry). and recently I completely broke down over simply eating a cereal bar, got through it, ate it. I’m good now. 

Figures. That does seem to be my experience. Oh no, big bad issue one time, then magically I just talk myself out of my bullshit, and im fixed. Ha ha, yet I act like I have all these issues. I mean, I didnt even attempt to starve myself, just thought “oh, friends and family wont let me” and didnt. Had a breakdown about a year later, been fine since. Cut for a few months, went to therapy for a few months, stopped cutting. had a few breakdowns about a year or two later, then was fine. was suicidal for a while, went to therapy for a bit, was happy for months. Had breakdowns every now and then, fine now.

ha ha, first time I say alot of this is online. Figures. I’ve done that a lot too. My boyfriend has found out a bit about my depression through this site. Becuase I cant talk to my boyfriend about my shit, but hey random people on the internet! hear about my problems.

So on another note, I recently found a song that describes part of depression pretty well. It’s called “i’m not dead” by boyinaband. it’s linked below, I’ll copy paste the lyrics, and explain how I relate, and what the lyrics mean to me, becuase why not? (lyrics will be in bold)

undefined

I'm not dead

I'm not fixed, but I'm not giving up yet

Basically, this means that im still here, im still depressed, but I’m still trying to fight depression. 

I'm sick of saying that I still don't have anything done

I hate telling friends I'm trying something just to give it up

I never commit to anything, I just say I’ll do something, then decide I dont want to.

I'm still unsure of my emotional state

I'm still incapable of focusing lately

I don't feel like creating

I'm tired of asking Google how to find motivation

I’ve been on break from writing for months now. tried to get back to it, lost concentration. I think this is self explanatory. 

I don't think I've ever made

Something that's as good as I'm capable of

Ha, I dont put in enough effort and commitment to make something as good as possible.

I hate not having a reason to look my best

I only ever take care of myself with the intent to show the internet

I mean, I dont try to show the internet, but I only take care of myself when other people will see me.

If what made me successful was an imposed sense of stress then

I am so so glad that I hated myself

The only thing that makes me do things is extreme stress.

I didn't luck into this position

I struggle with decisions

I mean, im not in any high position, but I do struggle with decisions. 

I wouldn't be my own friend

I'm too inconsistent

I’m inconsistent as hell. I’m in like 10 group chats, don't talk in any of them for months, then just show up like “hi, havent talked to you all in ages, but hi”. 

Without immense pressure nothing ever gets finished

If these words make it to your ears it'll be a fucking miracle.

Yep. I went on  whole rant about this on wattpad. Without pressure to do something, I don’t do it.

I'm fortunate to know more good people than most do

I wish I had more friends I could be physically close to

I dont personally have a lot of friends that dont live in my city, so the last line isnt an issue, but I do know a lot of good people”

I'm pretty good at like 20 different skill sets

At the expense of never being great at any one of them

I’m good at quite a few things. Drawing, math, even writing. But im not great at it. I’m average.

I wish this beat hit harder

I wish more syllables rhymed

I know 99 percent of people really don't mind

I dont personally relate to this, seeing as I dont make music.

I think collaborating forced me to finish things

'Cause I was terrified of wasting famous people's time

Oh yeah. Group projects would not get done if i wasnt scared of wasting my partner’s time.

I wish I could focus on what I define priority

I wish I was as grateful as I want to be

Dont really relate to these things

I wish I knew more people who were mentally stable

But if I did,

I wouldn't let them waste their time on me while I'm disabled

Oh yeah. Id love to have a friend who isnt depressed, but I wouldnt let them see that im fucked up becuase i dont wanna drag them down.

I feel alone

I know I'm not

I have a lot of friends, but I still fell alone in this world

I used to talk to lots of people.

Lately I've stopped

They didn't deserve it,

I've been a terrible friend.

But I couldn't bear to let myself become boring to them

I ignore group chats all the time. no reason. Probably shouldnt. 

I don't let myself get my hopes up.

I love people who do.

Something good happens? what could go wrong? that is my thought precess.

I never know if what I say I feel is the truth

I have no damn Idea what I think, so its so hard to know what the truth in my head is.

I wish I didn't instinctively try to be less specific

So more people could relate, when they read along with the lyrics.

Not lyrics, but if i write/explain something, I immediately generalize things so its relateable.

I can be happy in the moment

I am not when I reflect

I smile watching youtube, but then I look back and think about how I wasted time.

I distract myself with gaming, waiting to get better

I hate it

Youtube will cure depression right? /s

I wanna do the most good, and prevent the most hurt

But I've gotta put on my own oxygen mask first

This is just an important phrase I try to remember when I’m down. for people who dont do well with metaphors, he’s saying that if you want to help people, you need to help yourself first. 

I can't predict what I'll do.

I can never be sure

I am terrified of making promises any more

I can't face my work,

I feel sick from the word

I genuinely believe I'm capable of changing the world

Don’t relate much here, except for the more positive, upbeat tone the song takes on, and i feel that this part, the part above and everything below is dave fighting his depression.

I still think I can get better

I’m holding onto hope.

I still think I can create and get pleasure from it

I hope so, I want my art and writing to improve.

I'll keep aiming to make my emotion and my logic agree

The eternal stuggle. I always try to get the two to line up, it rarely works. I try to use logic more often though.

And become the best version of me

Always trying to improve myself.

I don't want to stop!

I don't want to stop!

I don't want to stop!

I don't want to stop!

There’s alot this could mean. I dont want to stop creating. I dont want to stop fighting. I dont want to stop getting better. I dont want to stop living. I relate to all these things.

I’ll expand on this more later, it’s too late now for me to continue this

[taurusjaehyun]

kiss me // j.jh

♦️Pairing: jaehyun x fem reader

♦️Other Members/ Characters: 97 line GC (Eunwoo, Jungkook and Mingyu) + Jihyo of Twice (also a 97 liner)

♦️Genre: smut, fluff,, bf Jaehyun, uni au

♦️Warnings: rough sex, nipple play(?), slight cock warming, squirting, overstimulation, multiple orgasms, badly written smut lmao, mentions of RuPaul’s Drag Race bc I’ve been binging on it after Netflix put all the seasons on!!!

♦️Word count: 3,981

♦️Story: Finals are done and you finally have proper time with your boyfriend Jaehyun but he barely pays you any attention. He won’t even give you a kiss you because of a stupid mobile game.

Note: A request by anon for bf!Jaehyun. Also, yeaaah, this isn’t proof read, sorry for the shitty aftercare and the shitty writing in general lol. Tell me what you guys think, please! I’d love feedback so I can improve hehe <3

"Kiss me." You say as you push yourself up closer to your boyfriend’s face, who was currently focused on his phone as he laid next to you in your bed, playing whatever mobile phone game he was addicted to with the guys. It was kind of annoying, really.

 You purse your lips and make kissy sounds, making him chuckle. You roll your eyes at him but he doesn’t notice, because he was too focused on his phone. You couldn’t believe how he’d rather play with his phone and his friends rather than spending time with you, his girlfriend, despite it being a free Sunday for the both of you. Finals were fucking finally over for all of you after the two of you, along with your friends had spent every day studying (more like cramming) to try and ace your tests.

 It was safe to say the two of you hadn’t had sex in a while. Plus, this was your only time alone together after a while as your roommate, Jihyo was on a date with her boyfriend, Eunwoo. Jihyo was a bit anal about you bringing in Jaehyun to your dorm to have sex after she had caught you and Jaehyun fucking a few times (it was more than a few times, honestly). You couldn’t hold it against her because she never had sex with Eunwoo in your dorm. Ever. Or not that you know of.

 You pinch Jaehyun’s side, making him yelp but he barely spares you a glance. You pucker your lips again and make kissy faces at him, trying to annoy him more than anything at this point. Jaehyun tilts his head towards you, eyes still focused on the screen of his phone as he blindly pecks at your face, kissing your nose instead of your lips like you wanted to.

 Feeling annoyed, you grab the phone out of his hands and turn it off. You set his phone on your nightstand, straddle him and cup his cheeks, squishing and pinching it with your hands. His hands automatically make his way to your hips as he looks up with you with a less than pleased expression.

 “I was about to beat Mingyu and Jungkook, you know,” he grunts in annoyance, taking hold of your hands that started to pinch his cheeks painfully. He pulls your hands off his cheeks and intertwines his fingers with yours.

You laugh, “Baby, today’s our free day. You can kill them some other time!” You started to grind your hips against his, testing the waters. You really wanted to take advantage of the time alone you had with the love of your life and do anything and everything you’ve wanted to do for the past few weeks. Also, fucking the built up stress away wasn’t a bad idea.

 Jaehyun watches you, grinding and circling your hips, almost as if he was hypnotized. He bit his lip and gives you a pointed look, “I thought we weren’t allowed to have sex here anymore?”

 You lean back and shrug, “Jihyo isn’t here anyways. What does she know?”

 “Well Jungkook and Mingyu know how important my ranking is in that game to me. And they know I’m here with you.” Jaehyun chuckles, “they’re already probably going off in the group chat that we’re already fucking and you know Eunwoo’s in the chat too.”

 You stop grinding on him, and sighed before blowing a raspberry, “I honestly don’t give a shit. Jihyo knows I’m putting RuPaul’s Drag Race over everything, including you so I could just say I forced you to watch.”

 Jaehyun scoffs and looks at you as if he’s offended, “so you mean to say you finished the season we were watching WITHOUT ME?” He lets go of your hands and holds onto your thighs, squeezing.

 You explode in laughter, knowing well that Jaehyun took offense in it. You both were big fans of the show that you’d do marathons of it together, especially the most recent All Stars season. “Trinity-“

 He puts up a finger to your lips, “ok, spoiler queen. I don’t need to know. I’ll watch it for myself.”

 “No, I’ll tell you right now! Trinity and Monet-“

 Jaehyun puts his hands over his ears, closes his eyes and starts howling, and basically doing every annoying sounds he could produce, just to shut you up.

 You laugh, trying to pull his hands away from his ear, telling him about the finale. Each second he goes on with his act, the more you found it funny so you ended up bellowing in laughter, weak as you fall down on his chest, shoulders shaking.

 Jaehyun sighs as he wraps an arm around you, patting your head gently. “God, you’re annoying.”

 Still in fits of giggles, you sit up again and hover over him, staring at him. Jaehyun was probably one of the most beautiful men you’ve ever seen in your life and you thought you were blessed to have been given a chance to be one of the people he loved in this world. “You love me, though.”

 Jaehyun gives you a goofy smile, “that I do, sweetheart. So fucking much. You have no idea.”

 “Prove it!”

 “How?”

 "Kiss me."

 Jaehyun didn’t have to be told twice. His hands find its way on the back of your head, and he pulls you close while he lifts his head up to meet you halfway and locks his lips with yours.

 You chuckle and proceed to kiss him. Deep and hard, always. His tongue swipes on your lower lip and you grant him access and soon your tongues wrapped around each other. You didn't know how long you were kissing but all you knew was you were already feeling dizzy and breathless but you just wanted to taste him again and again.

 People might call you crazy but every time you saw him, he still gave you the butterflies he made you feel from the first time you saw him. That was how you knew you were already in love with him. You were so into in him that his mere touch sent shivers up your spine and when he makes love to you, you’re afraid you’ll burst into tears because of the overwhelming feelings he gives you.

 You pull away and pull off the large t-shirt that you used as pyjamas. Underneath it, you weren’t wearing anything because you knew you’d be fucking your boyfriend. You shoot him a smile as you cup your breasts for him, earning a whistle from him. You knew he loved your nipples and right now, they looked too appetizing to him, already so hard and begging to be sucked by him.

 He bites his lips at the sight of your naked and pliant body. He knew how conscious you were of your body but he loved how you trusted him too much that you were confident naked in front of him. He was thankful for that because for him it was a way to really say how much you trusted and loved him.

 You grab his hands and rest them over your breasts as you start to circle your hips on him again. He had an obsession with you boobs that he would find a way to suck your nipples most of the time, that when you would sleep over at his dorm (which was better because the athletic department had budget and gave them solo rooms) even before you sleep, he sucks your nipples. It was endearing.

 You were his and he was yours. As soon as he lets go of your nipples, you kiss his neck, making sure to rub you hard nipples against his chest as you pull up his shirt and help him fully take it off. He cups your face as you kiss and you rush to undo his jeans. You plant kisses down his neck, chest and stomach as you go lower, pulling down his jeans.

 His half hard cock pops out as you pull down his underwear and help him get both his jeans and underwear off around his ankles until the both of you were buck naked. You settle between his legs, kissing his thighs, just taking your time but your hands find his cock, the tip leaking with clear liquid.

 You spit on your hands, easing the friction and starting to jerk him off. You use the pad of your thumb to rub the slit of his cock, watching how his cock twitches and gets harder at the action. His dick continues to leak pre-cum, enough for you to spread it around the sensitive mushroom head of his shaft.

 “Fuck, baby. Stop playing and suck it if you’re going to,” he hisses, fisting the sheets beside him.

 “Ok, ok.” You laugh but you continue to play with his sensitive head. You gather your spit in your mouth and drop it slowly on the head of his dick, circling your tongue to the air so the spit goes around and covers the rest of his cock. “I’ll get your dick wet first, you big baby.”

 Jaehyun moans as you start to jack him off, your left teasing the head and the right jerking the rest of his cock. He watches you as you bite your lips in concentration as you jerk him off, using the tricks that are fool proof to make him feel good. Especially that jerk-jerk-twist-jerk movement that had his hips bucking.

 Without a word, you start to suck on his head, slurping on the salty precum, making him hiss in pleasure. You use your now free left hand to fondle on his balls as you keep jerking and sucking him off. When the moisture from your spit around the rest of his length dries, you slowly take him in your mouth, deep throating him.

 You keep your thumb in your fist, trying to keep your gagging down as you used your left hand to hold onto the base of his cock as you take him deeper inside your mouth until your nose was touching his belly, his trimmed pubes prickling you.

 Jaehyun was always amazed how you manage to take in his whole length but then again, you always managed to surprise him and managed to exceed his expectations which was one of the reasons for why he fell in love with you. Out of all the girls around him, you managed to catch his attention and he found himself unable to keep you out of his mind until the two of you got to work together since you were both in student government.

 You lift your head a little and bob your head, keeping his dick down your throat, knowing this would surely cover the whole of his cock with your spit. Jaehyun had always been a loud grunter and moaner so it was no doubt that the room was filled with Jaehyun’s sounds of pleasure and curses as you make him feel good with your mouth. Once you couldn’t hold your breath anymore, you pull away from his cock.

 You take the spit stringing your mouth to the head of his cock with your fingers and jerk him off. Jaehyun looks at you, mouth swollen, eyes lidded and tears forming at your ducts. You lean forward, rubbing the head of his cock against your nipples, making him groan at the sight. You take him in your mouth again, this time, just comfortably sucking him off, just taking in the length you could casually and jerk the rest of his shaft.

 He grabs a hold of your head, pushing your pony tail back and tucking the strands that came apart from the vigorous bobbing of your head on his cock. Jaehyun starts to thrust his hips up so you stop moving, your arms on either sides of his hips on the bed, letting him fuck your face at his own pace. When he thrusts to particularly deep, you end up gagging and you pull away, coughing.

 Jaehyun gasps in worry, immediately sitting up and cups your face. “Sorry, sorry! I didn’t mean to! I’m so sorry, sweetheart.”

 You let out a giggle and peck his lips, “it’s ok, love.”

 "So now, it’s my turn to please my lady." He grins as he kisses you on the cheek before he maneuvers you to the head of the bed and pushes you down until he was hovering over you and in between your legs. He licks the tips of his fingers and rubs at your clit, making you twitch. He reaches down and slips two of his fingers inside you with no warning, making you gasp. “You’re this wet for me, sweetheart? Well shit.” He grins at you, teasing as his he finds a comfortable paces to fuck you with his fingers.

 You close your eyes, reveling in the sensation of his fingers stretching you and rubbing against your spot as you squeeze your breasts. God, he knew just how to make you feel so good, and you couldn’t wait for the main event: his cock but his fingers were doing more than good that you find yourself bucking against his hand as your orgasm comes over you fast, like it was unexpected that you didn’t realize you were cumming until it you started to scream and tremble.

 “That was fast,” Jaehyun teases, pulling his fingers out of you slowly, watching your pussy juice stringing as he separates his fingers. He takes the fingers from inside you and shoves it in his mouth and licks it clean. It as a shame you couldn’t see it as you were still basking in the after effects of your orgasm, eyes pinched close. “I didn’t even touch your clit!” He says, giving you a teasing look. “You must’ve waited for this long, huh?”

 You grin at him, but still trying to calm yourself down by taking deep breaths. “We haven’t had sex since Jihyo made us stop having sex here and finals was a bitch, Jae. I was stressed!” You close your eyes, clutching your chest dramatically.

 Jaehyun laughs at you and kneels in front of you, lifting your hips and pulling you to him. He lifts your hips and settles it on top of his legs. You feel him line his cock to your slit and pushes his head in.

 “Wait! I’m not ready yet!” You whimper, using your legs to push yourself off but his grip on your hips was strong and he had already pushed inside you, the whole of his length inside you. Your eyes roll back as his tip presses against your sweet spot but at the same time, the burn of the stretch makes you hiss in pain. He was never an easy size to begin with.

 “Relax, babe.” He says gently as he takes a hold of your waist but you see how he has his eyes closed and his mouth agape. “You’re fucking tight.”

 Still feeling the stretch, you lift your head and hit his hand on your waist, making him laugh. “You’re an asshole. I’m still sensitive.” You pouted.

 “I know, love. Your pussy’s still throbbing.” He gives you a sweet smile and grabs your legs to wrap them around him. He takes his time, keeping his cock inside you while he takes his time into admiring your serene face and running his hands on your skin. “You ok?” He intertwines your fingers and plants kisses on the back of your hand, watching you remain silent with your eyes closed.

 You eventually give him a sign but don’t answer him, instead, you smile at him as you squeeze your walls around his cock, making him wince. “Your cock is-AH!”

 He starts to move his hips, just grinding do every roll of his hips, his cock hitting your sweet spot. "Ah, shit. You're so fucking tight." He groans as he finally pulls his hips back and drove into me slowly, bottoming out and slamming back in, making you moan at the sweet pressure inside.

 You wrap your legs tighter around him as he moved his hips up, hitting your sweet spot at a different angle as he leans down and sucks at your nipples. Fucking Jaehyun wouldn’t be fucking him if he wasn’t sucking on your nipples while he was fucking into you. You keep his head close to you, as if you were holding a baby’s head sucking on its mother’s nipple. Honestly, with the amount of times he was sucking on your nipples, you wouldn’t be surprised if you started lactating out of the blue.

 He lifts your legs as he starts slow but deep thrusts and puts both of your legs over his shoulders as he leans down, basically folding you in half. He captures your lips while his hips pick up pace. He kisses the sensitive spots on your neck as he builds up a steady pattern of fucking you, making you eyes roll back in pleasure. He licks the skin from you ear to my neck, making you shiver and buck your hips, easily receiving his hard cock.

 He eventually goes into full force and you’re left to nothing but a moaning mess as he drives his hips to yours forcefully and in a pace beyond what you could handle. He was so deep inside you that you could the sweet pressure of his hard cock jabbing your cervix.

 You claw at his back and grabbing onto whatever you could, holding on for dear life as he drives into you relentlessly, with his hands lifting up your hips for easier access. "F-fu...fuck! Ah! Soooo goo-...ood! Ah!!"

 He pulls out and you groan at the loss of his cock inside you.

 "Jaehyun, no," You groan desperately as he smirks at me.

 "Patience, love." He smiles and lies on his back, making me straddle him.

 Needing no words, you straddle him and slip down his length, releasing a sigh of pleasure at the fullness you’re feeling. You lean down and kiss him and he settles his hands on your ass cheeks, massaging and slapping. You pull away, moving your hips slowly, forward and backward, taking him in deep inside. You lean your head back, moaning from the pleasure.

 He leans forward and sucks your left nipple and plays with your nipple with his hands, rolling the hard pebble with his fingers, pulling and squeezing. He groans in pleasure as you tighten your walls around him. He moves to your riģht nipple and sucks, and gives the same treatment as he did with your other nipple.

 Jaehyun then pushes you down towards him and holds you tight as he starts thrusting hard and fast from below you. You squeal at the intense, hard pleasure coming in, giving you no room to breathe.

 "JAEHYUN!!!!" You scream as you push your hips down to meet his thrusts and take him in any deeper, if it was possible. "FucK! AHH!!" You let myself go and my body becomes limbless at the excessive pleasure. You feel the drool escape your lips as you lean your face on the crook of his neck.

 Without effort, he maneuvers you off of him and throws you on the bed then kissing every exposed inch of my skin he could reach. Once he reaches down, he doesn’t hesitate and proceeds to eat you out like a fucking maniac, making you scream and shiver in so much pleasure. There were lots of things Jung Jaehyun did well and one of the top things besides academics, basketball, cooking and fucking, eating you out would be included. And it didn't help that he knew your body like the back of his hand.

 "Jaehyun! I'm cummimg!" You scream and before he could react, you were trembling, already in your second orgasm of the day. He never stopped sucking on your clit and started fingering you again, jus jabbing at your sweet spot while you were on the verge of your orgasm. You wanted to keep away but he had your hips on hold. Pretty soon, you felt it coming again and this time, you ended up squirting.

 He looked pretty proud of himself after you were left a shivering mess. “There we go, good girl!” He smiles, kissing the back of your hand. “I told you I’d make you squirt, right?” The last time you had sex, knowing it’d be while before you could again, the two of you had rented a room and tried every position you wanted to try out and tried finding out your limits. He had made you squirt then and you both were amazed after seeing it once so he had promised you that he would be making you do it again.

 “Jihyo’s gonna be so fucking mad when she gets home…” you trail off, still a bit high from your orgasm. “God, I’m dead. I need to find a new roommate.” You take a deep breathe, “also, I think… I’m gonna pass out.”

 Jaehyun laughed, “at least let me cum before you pass out!”

 “I fucking hate you right now.” You could feel the slight sheen of sweat on your body, besides from the body liquid you just expelled earlier.

 “Excuse me, Ms. Y/N? You were the one that wanted this, remember?”

 You wanted to pass out but you were sure Jaehyun wasn't over yet and besides, you always wanted Jaehyun’s cum inside you. It wasn't done until he came inside you. “Fuck me now, come on.” He immediately enters you and starts working his hips in a pace fast and hard.

 "Fuck! Slow down!" It was too good that you could feel fresh tears drip down your temple. "Wait!!! Jaehyun" You try to push him away to at least slow him down but he holds you tighter and drives into you harder, constantly pressing against your g-spot. It was honestly like his cock was made for your pussy as he’s always hitting the places inside you that made you see stars.

 "Ah, fuck! Your pussy so fucking tight for me!" He exclaims, followed with a plethora of curses as he does a steady pace of strong, deep, fast thrusts. He kisses you and holds tight on your breasts, squeezing them.

 "I'm cumming!" You scream as you quickly cum on his cock which triggers his orgasm as well, but he keeps his shallow thrusts until he's emptied his cum all inside of you, filling you a few weeks worth of cum, filling you to the brim that some spill out even though his cock acted as a plug.

 He stays inside you as the two of you kiss again, lazily this time, so you both could catch your breaths too. "I love you, y/n." He smiles at you, kissing your chin.

 You laugh at his sweetness as you focus on breathing to slow down your fast heartbeat. Was it because of his words or your exhaustion? Or both? But you did know the exhaustion was taking over you. You close your eyes, basking in the warmth of his body against yours. Your ears were blocked and you were still trembling but you weren’t complaining.

 Jaehyun knew you so he wasn’t expecting your reply and he already knows your answer anyways. Pretty soon, you quickly fall asleep, surprising him. But it was understandable because he made you spent so he cleaned up after you, wiping your body and your crotch with a warm towel and dressing you in panties and one of the shirts he’s left intentionally after he had cleaned himself up. It was the least he could do.

 From Jung Jaehyun | 10:30AM

To Cha Eunwoo

So, what are you willing to do for me not to tell y/n I caught you and Jihyo fucking after ur gf made us stop fucking in their dorm? Send me your most expensive skin, Cha and try to beat me!

[rainecloud020604]

below the cut is a bit of a long venty self reflection.. tw: sensitive topics, the specifics are in the tags

so with quartinteen going on i’ve had a lot of time to look at myself and my actions, i have a bad habit of over analyzing things and ripping them apart. including myself.

i’ve noticed that i keep a lot of things to myself to the point where its unhealthy, i dont tell people when im upset, i dont tell people that im hurt, i dont even tell my parents when i feel sick anymore unless i feel like im dying and need medicine and maybe a trip to the doctor. Im still scared to do that...

i get made fun of and mocked, told im overreacting when im sick or hurt by my parents. its really affected me, being told to walk it off cause im being a baby or im being a drama queen for attention i dont really want. its at the point where i have fallen into a habit of lying about my health, some days i feel like utter shit and i know it will show, i will tell some people, not my parents, my friends i talk to that day. it’s gotten to the point where i was ready to kill myself because my parents wouldnt listen and take me to a doctor after i could eat or drink anything for two weeks without immediately rushing to the bathroom, that was new years eve... i almost did, it took a lot to not do that, and i scared myself, i was scared to call a hotline, i was scared to move, go downstairs, speak, after i spent 30 minutes breaking down and begging my parents to take me to a doctor i was done with life and done with trying. This really affected me and shook me up for months, it was the first time in years i had ever thought about doing that, i felt horrible and miserable cause i scared a lot of people that night. 

my mental health is even worse than my physical health all the time, i normally wont talk about it when its bad unless someone asks, i’ve been brushed off so many times by my family i no longer have that confidence i used to. my dad for the longest of time told me my depression didnt exist until my doctor did, he told me i was lying for attention, he told me i didnt have anxiety, i didnt have anything wrong and i needed to shut up and pay attention, push through it and shut up. mental health issues were tabo around my parents for ages, when we got kicked out of our house and moved in with some friends my mental issues really showed through, this was around the time i joined tumblr, my parents would fight constantly and i fled here for safety, it was clear i had something wrong, all of my sibling do as well, my brother has anger issues and doesnt know how to cope with that, he tends to hit things and hit me when angry cause i pissed him off or was in his way, he’s 11 and three times my size. im 16. my sister has anxiety and depression as well, she always drags herself down and fakes a smile to everything, she cant handle being yelled at anymore. we all have faced abuse from my parents, and then moving into a super toxic and worse place for a year made everything worse, my parents stressed and fighting to the point where we would hide and cry cause it was so much. partially through that year i snapped at my best friends dad for being homophobic, racist and sexist, i said a few things and got suspended from my school while there was a sexual predator on the campus after my friends, he was never arrested and he tried to contact me recently because he was bored. i was broken for awhile but going to the magnet school i met some people who helped me. i made a new friend. that place that was toxic we left after they tried framing us for a bed bug issue and tried making us clean the entire house, and the guy who was my dads formal best friend called my mom a few nasty things and called us all lazy and ungrateful. i had a bike stolen during the move and they refused to give it back. we stayed in a hotel for a bit, i became everyones therapist for a few days, my brothers, sisters, moms and even my dads, i couldnt vent to anyone. we moved in with my grandma, my step grandpa turned out to be an abusive asshole and attacked my aunt and almost attacked my mom and grandma one night when we were going to bed, i had both my brother and sister in my room hiding and crying, i was comforting them and telling them the yelling would be over soon. 

my grandma had her ac detroyed, license plate stolen, other stuff stolen from her as well, i was scared to walk to school for a month and had to look at the door at all times. one day he randomly busted through the door and i broke down scared as hell because i was in line of sight and the first person he saw, and was in the same room as him. it took me awhile to recover from that. later on i started failing my classes, i couldnt keep up because my old school wasnt where they were, i was ahead but behind because my motivation slacked and i didnt want to be there, i started getting really sick, i went to try to see my guidance counselor one day because i was ready to break down at everything and i needed to talk to someone and possibly go home, i saw a different one, they recommended a mental health counselor and i start counseling sessions, when i checked out the nurse shamed me for not going to her and checking out. i walked home that day and cried. i started counseling sessions after that, i was still scared to speak about all of these issues, some weeks i didnt see her, others i did, the first day my ela teacher flipper her shit cause i was late that day to her class after i was at a counseling session for part of her class cause i needed to say things and speak. i lost the confidence to talk to me ela teacher after that. she would have issues with the fact that i couldnt speak loudly at times, part of the year she hated the fact that i drew in her class to focus, it took me twice explaining it before she would let me. later on that year she accused me of doing other classwork and make me hold up what i was drawing rather than walking over, i cried the rest of her class and had a panic attack in biology venting to a friend. my parents told me i was being dramatic after breaking down and explaining how my day went. i started to stop speaking up about my issues entirely to them. 

i’ve had issues when i am sick at school, i’ve gotten grounded for going home sick, after i was told i could call home, it was because the nurse said i looked tired, she also had told my dad that he knew me better than she did so she was unsure, he told me in the car i put the family to shame and made him look bad, took away my devices, left for work while i took a nap, i woke up still sick and felt even worse mentally, i forced myself to walk and finish up the rest of the school day. it took my mom yelling at my dad to get my devices back, he guilt tripped me after giving them back and i felt horrible for the weekend. 

my dad started saying i was faking being sick to skip school, keep in mind i have never skipped a day in my life and have always enjoyed going to school, he was just pissed off. my mental health was affecting my physical health, i wasnt able to see my mental health counselor for a month, when i needed to most. 

i started developing and eating disorder again, i started to only eat one meal a day, starve myself for existing, i’ve been fighting it for awhile, it decided to get worse, i am still fighting it. i am at a point where i can handle two meals a day again which is progress. 

when quartinteen started, that ment i was stuck at home, unable to focus on my classes anymore, and my counseling sessions were done in zoom, i wasnt ever in a safe place to openly speak. i tried pushing for therapy, my parents considered and agreed, they tried to figure something out and never got back to it. everything has gotten worse, not only in my head but the world around me...

keep in mind all this, happened in two years. most of the belittling and breaking me down however has gone on for most of my life.

i dont want sympathy, i want to get this off my damn chest, i dont want attention, i was this at hand so when i need to point at something that happened to me i have to reference to while im breaking down. im sorry about all this mess and wasting time typing this out and that right now isnt the time to hear me whine. 

[fiftyshadesgrl]

He saved me/ part 9

Summary: reader is in a abusive relationdhip. When things take a turn for the worst she finds help in the winchesters.

Warning: this story will have smut, language, violence, abuse and torture. If youre triggered by any of this i suggest not reading.

6 months later....

Me and bobby were sitting at the table eating the homemade lasanga and garlic bread i had made when his phone started to ring. He leaned over and with one hand snatched the phone from its cradle never faltering with his other hand that had a fork full of lasanga.

"Yeah?" Bobby said evenly. "Alright what time will you be in?" Bobby glanced my direction, i smiled warmly at him and he just stared. "Alright see you in a few."

He sighed when he hung up, "that was sam." I perked up at the mention of his name. I hadnt seen him in so long and to be honest i missed him. "Theyre going to stop by, need some info on a hunt."

I smiled, "thats great! I miss that boy." Then it hit me. "Wait, you said they. That means.."

He nodded, "yeah deans gonna be here too. Sam wanted to give you a heads up before they get here. Ya know, just in case you wanna bolt."

I thought about it long and hard, would seeing dean bring up all those old feelings ive been burying since i left? Would he even be happy to see me? Would he be mad? Would he even acknowledge i was here?

I sighed and gave him a small smile that im sure didnt reach my eyes. "Ill be alright bobby, ive got dinner dishes to do and plenty to keep me occupied. If i know dean hes gonna want food so ill fix them a plate when they get here then you wont even know im here."

We finished our dinner and when i stood to take our plates i asked, "what time will they be here?"

"Id say about another hour."

I nodded and made my way to the kitchen to get started on the dishes and to clean up.

An hour and a half later there was a knock on the door. I could hear from the kitchen.

"Hiya bobby." Sam said.

"Good to see ya boys." Bobby said sounding cheerful.

"Doing some spring cleaning bobby?" That was the voice that has haunted me for the past 6 months. I could almost smell him from where i stood. That comforting feeling blanketed me just by hearing his voice. I sighed to myself knowing he didnt know i was here.

I took the lasanga and plated a huge piece for sam and dean, along with placing the garlic bread in the basket from earlier. I took a deep breath and took my first steps out towards the boys.

I walked up behind them where they sat at the table, i set down the plates in front of them. Both men jerked in response then our eyes met.

"(Y/N)!" Sam jumped up from his spot at the table and engulfed me in a huge hug.

"Hey sammy, its good to see you." I was geniunely happy to see him.

He pulled back and inspected me, "you look great. How are you doing?"

"Better than i was last time you saw me." I said matter of factly and im sure dean knew what incident i was talking about.

"What the hell?" Dean said still in shock i think.

"Hey dean." I said in a flat tone. His brow furrowed at that.

"How long have you been here?" He asked.

"6 months." I said over my shoulder making my way to get their drinks. When i turned around from the fridge dean was standing there behind me.

"You have been here this whole time and never contacted me? Ive been going crazy not knowing where you were." Dean sounded mad, the nerve.

I straightend my spine to stand as tall as i could, "you made it pretty clear that night what you wanted."

"Damn it (Y/N), thats not fair."

I chuckled, "lifes not fair dean, you of all people should know that. Now go back and eat. I cant stand for food to be wasted."

"We are not done here." He said through gritted teeth.

I pushed past him but turned around right before i walked out. "Yeah dean, we are." With that i placed the drinks on the table and walked upstairs.

I changed into my running clothes the same ones i wore the night me and dean had sex. He thinks he has a hold on me well im going to remind him just what he walked out on.

I hopped down the stairs and put my hair up in a high ponytail. I hooked my ipod to my armband and slipped my tennis shoes on. All eyes focused on me when i walked into the dining room.

"Im going for a run, dont stay up to late old man." I walked over to bobby and kissed his cheek.

He smiled up at me "be careful."

"Dont worry, ill be fine." I looked to sam and dean and didnt fail to notice the lust in his eyes. "If you boys are gone before i get back, its been nice seeing ya again."

Sam stood and gave me a hug and a peck on the cheek. Dean didnt move didnt even look at me. I slapped him on the shoulder, "see ya deano."

With that i made my way outside. I started stretching my muscles when i got out in the warm air. I was getting ready to start my run when i heard the front door open behind me.

"(Y/N), we need to talk." Deans voice sent a chill up my spine but i tried my best to ignore it. I closed my eyes and sighed as i turned towards him.

"Have you found parker yet?"

Dean shook his head.

"Then we have nothing to talk about." I said as i started walking up the driveway. Dean was close behind me.

"Yes we do. You cant run from me forever."

I picked up my pace to a light jog, "tell ya what. If you can keep up we can talk."

I started running faster, i knew dean didnt do running. I heard him huffing then stop all together. I smiled over my shoulder at him then put my ear buds in and cranked up my music.

When i got back to bobbys an hour later the impala was still parked in the driveway. I rolled my eyes and opened the front door. I heard the guys talking in the living room then i heard my name come up.

"I dont know what to do. (Y/N) just wont talk to me." That was dean.

"Maybe she will come around. I mean you walked out on her at the worst time in her life." I recognized that as sam. He was taking up for me.

"Did she never mention anything to you? I mean she has been here for half a year." Dean asked bobby.

"She never talked to me about anything. I wasnt going to force her." Bobby said sounding aggitated.

"You mean to tell me after all this time you two living under the same roof nothing has come up about that night?"

I heard a glass slam down on the table. "You calling me a liar?"

I figured id show my face before it got more heated. "Im back, gonna grab a shower then head to bed."

Bobby nodded and i dashed up the stairs before anyone could say anything else. After my shower i walked down stairs to get a bottle of water. The guys were talking about some kind of lore and really didnt pay me no mind.

I walked back upstairs but instead of going to bed i went into the other spare room and started sorting files and cleaning up.

I almost had all the files organized and in their own seperate piles, i just had to put them in the file cabinet. A certain file caught my eye, the name sounded so familiar. Patrick windsor, i opened the file and gasped. It was parkers father.

I started reading through the file and it had all kinds of locations where he had been at and owned. Apparently patrick was a demon as well, working for lucifer himself. I was so focused on the file that i didnt hear someone approaching.

"Couldnt sleep?" Deans rough voice sounded from the doorway. I looked up and he was sipping yet another beer.

"No, i came up here to sort through all of this." I said in a flat tone, hoping he would just go away. I didnt want to discuss anything with dean right now. Instead he walked in and took a seat in the chair right across from me.

He didnt say a word, just sat there watching me. After a few minutes it started to get under my skin. "Why are you in here?" I asked a little snippy.

He smiled, "for you." I rolled my eyes and continued placing the files in different stacks. "Come on (Y/N), you cant ignore me forever."

"Its worked for six months."

He sighed heavily and stood up. Walking over to where i was sitting on the floor. I thought he might leave but instead he sat down next to me.

"I know i hurt you, but i was only looking out for your well being." He ran a hand through his hair, "ive learned that in this life we dont get love. We dont get happily ever afters. A hunter can retire and ward off whats out there. Like bobby, he lost his wife a long time ago and has never got close to anyone since. A hunters family and loved ones are never safe."

I nodded letting him talk, this is a side that i doubt many people ever saw of dean. I felt a little honored that he would open up to me, so i let him continue.

"That night when you told me you loved me it scared the hell out of me. Not because i dont want you, because you have already been through so much. You cant and shouldnt fall for me. Youre just going to get hurt or worse."

I nodded and placed the file i was holding down beside me. "I understand where youre coming from, but you cant push everyone away dean."

He shook his head, "i dont think you do. I tried the whole leave this life behind and have a family thing. She had a son, i thought of him like my own. I loved her and for a minute i was happy. Then a demon possesed her and tried to kill her right in front of me and her son. We got her to the hospital and cas healed her but i also asked him to take away all of lisa and bens memories of me. That was hard to see a woman and kid i loved look at me a different way than they had that morning. Never knowing who i was, but it was better for them, if i had never came into their lives in the first place it wouldnt have happened. So i just made things right, the way they shouldve been."

A silent tear fell from my eyes hearing dean talk about what he has went through. I now truly understood his hesitance about getting close to people. Instead of making me hate him it made me love him that much more, but i could never act upon it again. He downed the rest of his beer and sat the bottle down next to his leg.

"Dean, im sorry for everything you have went through. I have never had someone who truly loved me so i wouldnt know how that feels." I figured since he opened up to me it was only fair that i do the same. "At first i thought parker loved me. I just got so blinded by his words. I never had a family i was in the system until i was 15, then i ran away and never looked back. I was prostituting to make rent and for a little food, then i met parker. He took me in, sweet talked me, made empty promises on marrying me having children and having anything i would ever wanted. I fell for it and that has led me to where i am now."

"You can still have that life. Get married, have a family."

I shook my head, "no parker done so much damage to me that he destroyed the chance of me ever having children."

He opened his mouth to say something but i cut him off. "I never knew what love was, until i met you. Youre just so easy to fall for, but i know now that you dont feel the same way."

"(Y/N)....."

"Let me finish." He nodded and i continued. "Just because you dont love me doesnt make you less of a person. Youre a great guy and i hope one day you can prove youself wrong."

He looked down at the floor, when he looked up his eyes had tears in them. I placed a hand on his that he had on his leg. "Its okay dean, dont beat yourself up." Just as he was about to say something sam appeared in the doorway.

"I think we may have something on parker."

@an-unhealthy-obsession

[barnesandrogersfanfics]

With All Your Heart -Part 6

I had been at the Gala for an hour now and i was already bored! Steve came walking over smiling, looking handsome as always.

"Ladies, your all looking lovely"

"Thank you Steven, you dont look bad yourself" i replied looking him up and down.

"Oh we know we look great" Nat added, she was always so sure of herself. "Wheres Buck, his normally joined at your hip" Nat asked Steve and i waited to hear his reply, I hadnt seen Bucky since he left to get ready for the Gala.

"His around here somewhere..... think some girl caught his eye when we got here" Steve said as he turned to look around the room for Bucky "oh there he is!" He pointed to the back bar where Bucky was stood close to a pretty red head, his hand resting on her lower back as he laughed at something she said. What the hell was he doing??? We had only just sorted things out from this morning and now he was flirting with another woman!!

"You okay Doll?" Steve suddenly asked leaning in closer so only i could hear him. I forced a smile and nodded before ordering a large whisky.

"I hate these things is all, id much rather be curled up on the sofa watching some trashy TV"

"Yeah me too"

"These places are just full of fake people, they pretend to be your friend and act like they give a shit but then once they get they want from you they ignore you and move onto the next shiny new toy"

"Wow... okay. Someone really doesnt like this Gala!" Steve chuckled, i shrugged and downed my drink before waving down the bar tender for another, my eyes wandering over to where Bucky was still too close to that bitch!!

The dance floor was pretty packed, even more so when a slow song started.

"Would you like to dance with me?" Steve suddenly asked holding out his hand to me.

"Of course" i nodded slipping my hand into his, his free hand slipped around my waist pulling me closer. We danced for a few songs, i caught Bucky looking over with a clenched jaw but i ignored him. I was just dancing with Steve i wasn't doing anything wrong.

"Mind if i cut in Cap?" Tony suddenly appeared, Steve smiled and stepped aside letting Tony take his place.

"You look beautiful" he smiled at me.

"What do you want?" I asked raising my eyebrow in question, Tony only ever gave me compliments when he wanted something!

"Nothing! Im just telling my baby sister that she looks beautiful. Is that a crime?"

"I suppose not"

"But i do need you to go on a mission with Steve tomorrow"

"There it is"

"It'll be fine, come by the conference room at 8am and i'll go through the details with you both"

"Fine. Can i leave now, have i been here long enough yet?"

"Your not having fun?"

"No ive got a really bad headache...."

"If you really want to leave i wont stop you but id like for you to stay a bit longer"

"I'll try but if i leave you know why".

I stayed for a few more drinks and then said goodnight to everyone and made my way to the elevator. I hit the call button then heard my name being called from behind. Bucky!

"Hey, where are you going?" He asked looking genuinely concerned.

"Im going to bed" i said coldly not even looking at him.

"Well i'll come with you..." he said as the doors opened, i stepped into the elevator but held my held out to stop him.

"I just want to be alone right now, go back to the party"

"Doll is everything okay?"

"You better get back before the red head wonders where you are" i said shaking my head in disbelief as the doors shut,

I heard him call out to me just before the elevator started up to my floor. When the doors opened a very out of breath Bucky was waiting "Y/N, please talk to me"

"I have nothing to say" i shrugged walking past him towards my room.

"Why are you so mad? I was only talking to her"

"Didn't look like that Buck. When Nat asked Steve where you were you wanna know what he said? Some girl caught your eye when you walked in, then he points you out.... you looked really cozy"

"She's just a friend...."

"Guess we've got that in common then because i clearly don't mean anything else to you" 

"I dont understand why this has got you so upset....."

"You don't understand why I'm pissed off that once again after I've let you fuck me, you choose to ignore me AGAIN!! Then when i do see you your all over another woman??"

"I wasn't ignoring you, i hadn't seen you arrive yet...."

"Maybe this was a mistake with us Buck, I'm clearly not what you want"

"But you are! I swear to god!" He looked panicked suddenly and tried to take hold of my hand but i pulled away before he could.

"Doll, please believe me! Im begging you. Your the only girl i wanna be with"

"You keep saying that!" I snapped "You've got a funny way of showing me that you really want this. Look, im leaving tomorrow for a couple of days so you should think about what you really want. We can discuss what this is when i get back"

"Your leaving?? Where are you going?"

"Tony said I've got a mission with Steve, we're briefing in the morning"

"Oh....."

"I should get some sleep, busy day tomorrow" i said casually unlocking my door "you should go back to the party, your friend will be wondering where you are"

"Screw the party and i don't give a shit about her. I don't want you going to bed mad at me doll..... please? Let me come in?"

"You can come in but im not having sex with you! Im holding out on you until i believe you really want this"

"Okay thats fine, i just want to be with you".

I tried to stay mad at Bucky but i just couldn't, when i got up to head to bed i asked him if he was coming.... no funny business! We'd just be sleeping, i was gonna stick to my guns about the no sex thing even if it was torturing me too! Bucky was currently acting as big spoon, his body pressed against mine and his arm wrapped around my waist.... it made me want him even more!! But i stayed strong and finally fell asleep.

When i woke up i was still wrapped in his arms and i couldnt help but smile. He pulled me closer and buried his face in my neck where he started kissing that sweet spot behind my ear, i let out a moan and ground my ass back against his crotch making him hiss.

"Your killing me doll" he mumbled and i chuckled "its not funny!"

"Im sorry i didnt mean to! Its your own fault, you know what it does to me when you kiss me there"

"Hmmm i do" he said as i felt his hand move lower and start to slip into my shorts.

"Erm Buck what are you doing.... i thought i said no sex?"

"I know what you said, this isnt sex..... this is me making you feel good. Let me make you feel good baby.... i bet your already soaked"

His fingers were suddenly inside my panties working me open, i couldnt help the moans that left my mouth! He pressed two fingers into my throbbing hole and started pumping them in and out as he kissed my neck.... i could feel him grinding against my ass for some relief which drove me crazy!! I didnt stop him, if it was helping him get off he could carry on.

"Fuck baby your close, i can feel you squeezing the shit outta my fingers" he said before he moved his thumb to rub my clit, that extra attention was enough to send me screaming over the edge.

"Shit Bucky..... you are a god with those hands of yours!" I said trying to catch my breath "You need some help with that?" I asked looking at his raging hard boner.

"Its okay, i'll sort it out later...."

"Dont be silly.... you used your hands on me its only fair i return the favour" i smirked as i reached inside his boxer briefs and pulled out his hard cock.

He moaned as soon as my fingers made contact with him.

"Oh fuck..... god that feels fucking amazing!! Spit on it baby get it nice and wet" he said with closed eyes.

"Ive got a better idea...." i said getting up to take off my shorts and panties, his eyes went wide and he smiled.

"Don't get any ideas..... i meant it Buck no sex until i believe you mean it"

"Oh baby i believe it trust me!"

I chuckled as i straddled his thighs and lowered myself just enough to rub my slick over his cock.

"Jesus christ!" I moaned "i dont know who im punishing more with this no sex shit!"

"Definitely me! You know how fucking tempted i am to just slip inside you.... i want your pussy so bad baby"

"Fuck it!" I suddenly said lining him up with my entrance and quickly sinking down onto him. I caught him by surprise and he gripped my hips as he cried out in ecstasy.

"Doll you coulda warned me! I almost cum the second i got in you!"

"Sorry Buck, i just couldn't wait anymore" i smiled as i rode him hard and fast.

Once we were done i climbed off and walked to the bathroom to clean up, i saw the time and it was already 7:30am. I had to be in the meeting room in half an hour!

"Hey Y/N, im gonna head to my room to clean up. Tony wants me in this meeting too"

"Okay, i'll meet you down there" i called as i finished rinsing my hair.

Tagging: @siren-queen03

[insomnihan]

han’s Entire Thoughts and Feelings on Dreamcatcher’s “Breaking Out”

MY TIME HAS FINALLY COME

ITS TIME FOR ME TO GO CRAZY AAAAAAAAAAA GO STUPID AAAAAAAAAAA ON TEXT POST THE TIME IS NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FULL SOMNIE MODE ACTIVATED DONT LOOK AT ME (added mv instead so bc there are already TOO MANY pictures)

there are no read mores here so im sorry (im actually gonna apologize this time this is long™) IM GONNA BE VERY SPECIFIC

hella pictures, links, and words youve been warned™

ALRIGHT SO-

THE SONG i think a lot of us would agree that the introduction threw us off (i was also one of those people) but to be honest i dont mind it AT ALL?????? that kinda harmonizing sound during here and here i dunno what that is but i was vibing hard with it i really liked it and yeah it is different from their usual style but once i heaRD THAT GUITAR IT WAS OVER FOR ME I COULDNT- like i wanna bounce but i also wanna headbang at the same time

i mentioned this to gwen @wickymicky tho one thing i would say is i just WISH this song went harder??? i dunno how to describe it exactly but something heavier??? i wish i knew how to elaborate on what that means im sorry but i just know thats what i feel but other than that im very satisfied with this song!!!!!!

yoohyeon starts the song as if i wasnt vibrating with excitement already like her singing voice is just sounds so pleasant???? HIT ME WITH THAT SILENT NIGHT SILENT NIGHT i personally liked this part in the middle and how it built up into the chorus i FELT THAT IN MY BONES

MISS JIU YOUR VOICE its so soft yet powerful just like you GENERALLY LIKE HOW!!!!!!!!! youre literally the second person to sing and you got two things from me: 1. F UCKED UP and 2. my heart........................... like her bridge part just SO PERFECT LIKE YOU DONT UNDERSTAND-

S U A YOU CANT BE KILLING ME WITH NO WAY NO WAY LIKE WERE STILL IN AND THERE WAS NO ONE LEFT just something about her tone.................. im- pairing her with jiu for THIS my heart and my ears, yknow what ALL OF ME is just so happy and ‘you cant stop my heart’ well you sure stopped mine with your voice-

there is SO MUCH DAMI??????? THERE ARE TEARS???? IN MY EYES???? i was shocked to hear her so early on in the song but i welcomed it with open arms i love her deep voice so much her parts were nice (tho a little off as in not very ‘dami-like’ if you will not usual to her parts in their other songs) BUT when she was saying that part with love, lost, and hide it and her part at 2:31.......................... pls.....

HANDONG P L E A S E her parts at 0:40 and 1:39 were small but they sounded SO pleasant im cry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! a moot of mine mentioned in her tags somewhere about how handong’s voice sounds silky and like...................... thanks for saying it bc youre sO RIGHT like i cant even describe it in depth to yall bc it just makes me feeL GOOD hearing it!!!!!!!!

miss lee gahyeon hitting me with something gentle at 0:44 but then hitting me with this at 1:31 like with handong her parts are small but still impactful!!!! her voice is so nice to listen to like it sounds smooth??? i cant Words™ but yknow what im saying right-

SIYEON I COULD LITERALLY LISTEN TO YOUR VOICE FOREVER her voice for the chorus................ IM CRYING ITS SO CATCHY!!!!!!!!! SO BREAKING OUT OF THE DARK NIGHT is literally stuck in my head i cant- her voice is just SO unique right??? like its so powerful and it jUST H I T S YOU FULL FORCE side note: i found myself waving my hand with her when she sings bye bye thats so dorky of me leave me alone

THE DANCE L I S T E N i was PLANNING on trying my hand at gifs but i was impatient and we all know that pictures WILL NOT do this choreography justice but AS ALWAYS THEY COME THROUGH WITH SOME GOOD ASS CHOREO it doesnt hit as hard as their other dances but that doesnt bother me- there was a lot of Hands™ like a lot of emphasis on the hands and gestures (will mention more later) UUUUUM the dancing during the chorus with so much arm swinging and they all hit the air so hard with their elbows and fists i could really just feel that energy?? like all the effort and power they put into their dancing and to give it their all???? aka i feel tired just watching them dance

two parts i REALLY wanted to gif: 1. when yoohyeon does this with her hands up to 1:30................................... thanks and 2. this part with jiu and sua together................................... thanks x2

BONUS PICTURES:

so this pose is like their thing now right?????? this is from what???? i dunno what this means here but like im glad they have a cool pose that represents them

OKAY TWO THINGS: this was all i could focus on when i watched the teaser like siyeons face as if shes super into this (or was singing i dunno) and then jius face like is it THAT serious-

THE VISUALS ON TOP OF BOMB CHOREO THEY ALSO HAVE BOMB AESTHETICS FOR THEIR VIDEOS!!!!!!!! i would explain EVERY scene but i thought why not show the ones i really liked and put some thoughts under, some are more specifically about how i left looking at them (this is long enough already):

(i must mention beforehand that i loved the part with suas swing and jius rope too but i liked looking at these ones much more)

I KNEW THE MOMENT I SAW ALL THAT RED THREAD IT HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH FATE like i think actually believe in fate and stuff like that now bc LOOK at them their threads of fate all tangled together and s hit but also i just REALLY wanna see how they pass through the strings lmao

this part was haunting to me??? like i felt suffocated just looking at this??? i dont think thats how i was supposed to feel but this hit

do you see how disorienting???? do you feel that way too???? bc I SURE DID plus i dunno these colors, overlaying her looking in different directions and then at the end when they connect again in the middle my god yes-

okay i said i was going to mention hands and that theyre basically the most important thing in this entire video there are so many scenes of them reaching towards each other, wiggling their fingers and shaking their hands, but unable to even TOUCH you could really F E E L how DESPERATE.......... the WANT and the NEED to just connect together and bicth im gonna cry but its BEAUTIFUL™ (i was gonna add every shot that showed them reaching to each other but this is long enough already)

THIS JUST HITS HARD TO ME

ITS SUPER SYMBOLIC BUT IM TOO BIG STUPID™ TO PUT IT INTO WORDS JUST LOOK. AT. IT.

this is like gahyeons scene but it didnt hurt as much i love the color green but for this scene seeing that wall nearly crushing her and this color together i ACTUALLY felt scared and nauseous and again i dont think thats what im supposed to feel but i did and it also hit she is certainly........................... breaking out sorry

P L E A S E this is the ending and theyre all finally together and i think them standing in a circle and holding hands like is also their thing but do you see?????? yoohyeons smile?????? (im sure theyre all smiling at least i hope so)

T H E M

to the shock of LITERALLY NO ONE they are the seven (7) most beautiful women to walk this earth, so of course i was shaking continuously and my neck was getting broken every second i have nothing to complain about or even REMOTELY MENTION to change anything about them except i want damis shorter length back

plus their outfits and makeup looks are simple and nothing over the top and i think theyre wearing their teaser image outfits in the more colorful scenes but no complaints there like the white outfits when theyre surrounded by the red thread like they look great!!!!!!!!!! just nothing to specify (also their really cool looking earrings they just always have)

(also pls appreciate these screenshots they all come from a split second within their individual shots instead of the shots from the beginning bc i love making my job harder for no reason looking good as hell it took forever to get them okay moving on-)

JIU

someone pls tell me how she could make her face so intense...................... pls i thought i was gonna get turned into stone any second with how threatened i felt seeing her i just about died with all those damn close ups she got im TOO TIRED miss kim minji if looks could kill............................ her white dress was longer on one side so its lowkey just one leg and her shoulders out pls- that scene with the purple background and the rope and her eyes are purple too and just FULL of threatening energy....................................... dont hurt me

SUA

COME👏THE👏F UCK👏ON👏

ALL INSOMNIAS AGREE SHES A WHOLE MEAL™ this hairstyle and color on her specifically like this picture and its wavy i wish she could just keep that forever but yknow and that white dress shes wearing in this picture too with the sleeves pls you BEAUTIFUL BIH- her hair has a smaller pony tail in the red dance scenes and a whole pony tail for the swing i just wish i could see those styles better and I KNOW its a swing and the shot has to be far away but thanks for her side profile there im just saying-

SIYEON

THIS WOMAN™ this exact look with her hair straight and the one black glove and the one long sleeve that s hit hurted me and when they were dancing in the kinda red (i think its red) scenes shes wearing pants so good for her to stay on her brand plus i mentioned the green scenes earlier and she is THE Actress™ shes literally so stunning i had a hard time getting this screenshot bc i just kept looking and NOT doing this, her Power™ truly i finish with mentioning the eyebrow thing at the same part as bye bye................................. thank you

HANDONG

YALL ALREADY KNOW HOW IT BE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THIS WOMAN IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IVE EVER LAID MY EYES ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the first couple of close up shots she got I DIED AT THOSE TIMES SHES SO ETHEREAL i will NEVER get over this hairstyle on her EVER and her hairstyle for that one dance outfit here like CAN WE JUST ALL AGREE that she just almost always looks Expensive™ and Princess™ like whenever we see her bc i cant deal!!!!!!!!! and i DID see her wearing that lavender outfit from her teaser image when that dropped during these scenes like i understand its supposed to be far away to express distance between others and how gloomy it is like that but i wanna see- ANYWAY I LOVE HER

YOOHYEON

let me just start out with how HAPPY AND THRILLED I AM that she has grey hair again like THATS HER LOOK™ shes also very good at being intense and powerful and that breaks every bone in my body but i had accepted it i wanna specify her little snarl hit me harder than it shouldve it lasted for literally a second she had the wavy hair too during those green yellow (???) and red scenes which i have to say AGAIN i wanna see it better but i understand why i finish this with her smile at the end i must mention it again pls my uwus-

DAMI

im sorry i need to start with full on wishing her hair was still that shorter length i miss that so much- ANYWAY this color on her F A N T A S T I C™ like this look with the black around her shoulders and she has a shorter dress instead of the long on one side like siyeon she was also wearing pants during those red dance scenes and honestly thanks im not even going to mention her scenes with handong again yall already know i wanna see it better

GAHYEON

LOOK AT HER she didnt have a lot of screentime like this picture comes from her first singing part and it was blurry but yknow that was aesthetic bc it focused eventually so ill let it slide literally she just has long black hair but she looks absolutely GORGEOUS in this mv!!!!!!!! i just wanted to see her more at all!!!!!!!! shes just so pretty and she got to have that cool scene with the plastic but like GIVE👏ME👏MORE👏GAHYEON👏NEXT👏TIME👏

LIKE i keep reminding myself that this IS a japanese song and i expected the style to be different so i guess thats why im not TOO critical about it i can totally hear how someone could be not so into it like that beginning part which doesnt sound like a dreamcatcher song if you didnt it was them yknow what i mean??? at least thats how i see it BUT PERSONALLY this is a pretty solid song!!!!!! ive been listening to it for two days straight and im feeling G R E A T!!!!!!!!!

IN CONCLUSION: GUESS WHOS GOING TO LISTEN TO THIS (AND THE WHOLE ALBUM) ON LOOP FOR WEEKS ON END YUP THATS ME

bonus bc i had to make this:

[fipindustries]

my experience with my gender and my sexuality

because i think it is about fucking time i talk about this somewhere. this is a cheerful post, intimate sure, way too oversharing, certainly, but i like to think of it as joyous sharing because i feel like i can finally talk about this stuff freely and gosh ive been keeping so many things on the inside and now i just want to shout them to the world, consequences be damned

for years i have fantasized about becoming a woman. i will say it here now: i want to be a woman, i want to try it, i want to know what is like to look like one, to dress like one, to be called one, to be treated as one. if after a while i get bored of it, or tired or figure out its not my true self, or it just doesnt fit me for whatever reason then i reserve the right to back off and try something else. but for now this is my state of being and im going to share the story of how i got here.

my earliest memories of dealing with this confusion are about me reading a magazine talking about trans issues and me watching the movie “ma vie en rose” and “boys dont cry”. i was too young perhaps to be exposed to these ideas in such a candid and direct way. perhaps not mature enough to fully process or understand what i had seen, to the point that for most of my childhood i had this irrational fear that i would become a woman when i hit puberty. that my dick would just shrink into a vagina, that i would start growing tits, that i would get pregnant, etc.

i was a very unmasculine child, i didnt like sports, in fact i didnt like most typically boyish stuff. i thought muscles where gross, i thought violence and fighting was scary. i thought most boys played too rough for my taste. i was meek, shy, and a huge nerd. but i also had a strange rejection for most girly stuff. it was too soft and frilly and silly and pink and yucky. on top of all that, my understanding of trans people was mostly shaped then by drag queens and outrageous transvestites whose aesthetic, to this day, i find garish, over the top and unpleasant to look at. sorry, is just not something i identify with.

during this time i started to engage in all sorts of strange games as a child. i would start trying on my sister’s panties or my mom’s panties in the shower. i would created these elaborate scenarios where i would have all the stuffed toys in my room “kidnap” me, force me to give birth to them and then breast feed them.

cartoon shows that dealt with themes of gender bending held a powerful fascination to me, i particularly remember the fairly odd parents episode “the boy who would be queen”. i had this strange sense of love-hate relationship with it and anything on that topic where i just couldnt help to be obssessed with it but at the same time feel like it was illicit or transgressive for me to watch it.

then i hit puberty and a light switch went off. where instead of being scared or unnerved by those ideas i just kept obssessing more and more over them. i started googling everything i could about gender bending, about gynecomastia, about how to grow breasts with certain herbs or supplements. it was specifically on the breasts that i was fixated, i kept promissing myself that i would get them no matter what.

at the same time on the outside i was more than comfortable presenting myself as a boy, a geeky boy sure, but a boy all the same. i liked wearing high waisted pants, tucked in shirt and tie. i liked having short hair. i fantasized about growing a mustache. what’s more i definetly identified as a boy. i went to an all boy’s high school where we were taught stereotipicaly male things like working with heavy machinery, welding, general workshop engeneering stuff and i enjoyed all of it. i was still a huge outcast and not the manliest person but back then i figured it was because i was just a huge nerd.

i had no rejection of my body or the changes it was going through, i grew hair, limbs, genitals, etc and didnt thought much of it that i can recall, beyond a vague sense of not wanting to look too adult because it made me look too much like my dad, with whom i never had the best of relationships. beyond that socially i was a boy and had no issues fitting there.

i masturbated a lot, and a lot of those fantasies involved gender bending. usually boys growing breasts, boys being subjected to forced feminization, etc. there were other fantasies but those dont have a lot of bearing on the subject at hand. one of the things that excited me the most back then was to call myself a woman. to insist over and over that i was a girl. like the feeling that i was brainwashing myself into femminity was a huge turn on (this is why for the longest time i was convinced i was an autogynephile, and honestly, jury’s still out on that account). then, as soon as i finished i would quickly tell myself “im not a woman” as a strange way of “no homo” myself from my fantasies. i was still doing ocassional crossdressing whenever i was alone at home with my mom’s clothes, again, usually for the purposes of masturbation

i have been attracted to girls for the large majority of my life, it wouldnt be until college that i would experiment with boys too and found that i could enjoy that as well, but my main interest has always been consistently girls. yet a lot of the time my attraction towards girls would come from a place of envy. of apreciating how pretty they looked and wishing i could look that pretty myself. once i started college most of these fantasies came with me, i kept researching about gender bending and about ways i could try to gender bend myself. some times it was because of fetishistic reasons but a lot of the time was because i just found the subject inherently fascinating. it was like this that i came across a lot of information about trans people, back in like 2011 and when i first started to really understand them as a community and grapple with concepts such a gender dysphoria and such. back then i reached the conclussion that while i understood and sympathized with trans women, i was just a crossdresser because i didnt experience gender dysphoria and because i had never experienced anything even close to the feeling of “being a woman on the inside”.

what was more, it was around this time that identity politics really started to get traction, things like “die cis scum”, “yes all men”, “white men tears” etc started to be thrown around and, as someone who had been identifying as male for his entire life, i felt personally attacked by most of it. an immature reaction on hindsight, but a reaction that cemented in my mind the idea that i was a man and there were no buts or ifs about it.

i kept crossdressing, i kept fantasizing, i kept fetishizing. i even experiemented with auto hypnosis because i was realizing more and more that i was never going to be able to truly make my fantasy about becoming a woman real so was was willing to try anything that would get me even close to it. i cross dressed because i liked the way i looked, i liked the way the clothes felt against my skin, i liked the feeling of trying on a different role, one that was forbidden to me. as time went on i stated doing it less and less because of the sexual gratification and more for its own sake.

then the crisis came.

i wrote about this before, i saw a bunch of people i knew coming out of the closet at an advanced age, people like jacob chapman, the wachowsky sisters, even reading about the story of how allison bechdel. the idea of someone figuring out their identity way into their adulthood shattered my world view and it introduced me the possibility that i might be in the same situation, which led me to panic. all the crossdressing, the fascination with gender bending and with trans issues were strongly suggestive if nothing else, but back then i was just not ready at all to confront those possibilities so i supressed like a mad man.

three years later, here i am. during those three years i slowly and gradually came to grips the possibility, slowly losing my fear of what i might lose if i came out of the closet, slowly examining my self and comparing my story with the story of others in the community. finding differences but also finding a lot of similarities. for the longest time my trans ex girlfriend would insist that i was very much not trans because a lot of my experiences were very different from hers, such as the fact that i never had issues inhabiting the rol of a boy whereas her dysphoria had been strong enough to the point of suicidal tendencies for most of her life.

one of my biggest concerns had always been the fact that i had heard from many trans people that their dysphoria hadnt really kicked in until after they started transitioning. as in, once they started trying to look like women then they realized how far away they were from truly being one, making what until then had been a vague feeling of discomfort into a true rejection of their own body. but then on the other hand there was also the real possibility that i would end up having a mental breakdown once i hit my fifties after years of repression and by that point i would look like just an old man in a wig

i think what finally made me tip over the edge were the contra points videos and the reddit community egg_irl. i just identified too much with what i saw there, and breaking up with my gf had left me free to explore those feelings without fear of ruining my relationship. so where does that leave me?

still confused, but no longer scared of the answers. willing to give this and honest go and see where it takes me. im still not ready to call myself a trans girl with all the letters. i understand that gender is complicated but i would really appreciate a unified theory of gender to help me make heads or tails of what i am and what i am feeling beyond vague notions about “the spectrum” and “social roles”. i guess i could be considered gender fluid as of right now but honestly that label doesnt mean that much to me on a practical sense considering i am still presenting my self as a boy in my every day life with one or two exceptions

i have a lot of work ahead of me and for once i am excited about doing it right.

[nie7027]

Super5 headcanons part 4

Part 1     Part 2     Part 3  Part 4   Part 5

And thats how they found themselves one saturday morning in the parking lot of the closest mall with no idea how to go about this

Hatori, who already regretted this, was regretting it even more when he noticed how crowded the place was "so... What do we do if someone recognizes him as the prime minister kidnapper? "

"We have come before and no one has recognized us so far..." said shibata a little hesitant "what makes you think this time it would be different?"

"Well i dont know...how about the fact it was internationally televised"

"So were you destroying that army helicopter" quipped Shimazaki from behind "if you are so scared you shouldnt have come"

"Who do you think is gonna pay for your shit dumbass?!"

"Did i ask you to do it?" Shimazakis glasses were obscuring his eyes but the glare was evident "I am the one forced to come. I DONT NEED YOU-"

"BOTH OF YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP" Minegishi yelled before Shimazaki could say anything further "Hatori! we have gone through this before. Everything willl be fine and if it isnt then we'll deal with it and Shimazaki no one is forcing you to do this! we talked and you accepted, you cant turn back now"

When both of them kept quiet Minegishi thanked god(gods? Whoever was in charge of his stupid life) for it and rubbed his temples, a headache already threatenint its way

Although Shimazaki had been mostly right in saying they forced him to come they would never give him the reason

Besides its not like he couldnt transport away at any moment. If he was here it was because at some level he actually wanted and it was enough for them.

"Cmon guys, people are starting to stare" Shibata, bless him, decided to take charge at that instant and ushered them inside

"So...where do we start? " said Hatori wearily glancing at the different stores there were

"How about we start by replacing his jacket?" mused Shibata "i think its the item that attracts attention the most"

"Whats wrong with my jacket?"

"It has bullet holes"

"And scorching marks"

"Scorch marks? That fucking kid..."

"You didnt notice? It used to have blood stains too but they were gone after i washed it...was it even yours?"

"How would i know?"

The three men sighed at this before minegishi spoke "Okay...that settles it then. Well start by the jacket"

"Oh how about we get him a sweater? I actually need some myself and they are in offer!" said Hatori excitedly pointing at the store where he usually bought his

"Im sorry man but someone needs to tell you...your taste in sweaters suck" admitted Shibata making Shimazaki snicker

"Says the guy who only wears shorts and nike t shirts"

"IM A GYM INSTRUCTOR"

"So? Why does everybody need to know at all times?"

Minegishi, for the second time that day. interrupted the fight between his friends "Im sorry Hatori but Shibatas right"

"What?" asked Hatori feeling betrayed

"I mean...the pigeon sweater?"

"Oh for the lord of-You know what? FINE! Whatever! I dont care! But thats a start and none of you have a better idea." Hatori smirked knowing he was right when the others didnt said anything "Besides he is going to pick his clothes so you dont have to worry about my "horrible taste" and fuck you guys, that sweater was awesome"

Shimazaki watched amused the exchange that followed while they walked to the supoosed sweater store. It remind him of the reason he accepted coming.

He was getting used to these petty fights and actually found them kind of funny.

Maybe coming wasnt as bad of a idea as it felt at first

Maybe it was

"So do you like the burgundy one?" asked Shibata when he noticed Shimazaki finally picked something

"Whats burgundy?" replied Shimazaki who had only grabbed something that felt soft

"Its kind of like red...but darker"

"Shibata I dont know what red is"

"Oh...thats....thats sad man"

Minegishi facepalmed before picking more red sweaters and handing them to Shimazaki "Red is actually the color of the t shirt you are wearing so it's close to your current style. Here. These are red too just...try them out and see if you like any"

"I cant believe i forgot he cant see" said Shibata while Shimazaki went to dressing room

"It happens to best of us" responded Minegishi

Some minutes later Shimazaki returned with 2 sweaters including the burgundy he had picked

"So how did it go?" asked minegishi retrieving the sweaters from Shimazakis hands

"They felt soft"

"And?"

"And....what?" this was new fo Shimazaki and he didnt know what answer were they expecting

"How did the fit? How did you feel the neck? The chest?"

" they just fitted"

"Really?" shibata checked the tags "these are two sizes apart. Didnt one feel too loose or too tight?"

Shimazaki tried to remember but he didnt actually paid attention to that.

Luckily for him Hatori decided that moment to come back.

"Hey guys how its going? I talked with the cashier and he said that theres a 2x1 offer. So we can-oh, you already got 2? How did you know?"

He wasnt expecting the others to shrug

"Okay..." continued Hatori "Are you finished? I already got mine"

"Do you want those?" Minegishi asked and sighed when the other man kept silence

Shimazaki didnt know. Sure, they have felt nice but so did his current clothes. Besides minegishi was asking if he "wanted" them and Shimazaki wasn't used to actually considering if he wanted them. Usually there wasnt many options.

"How did you pick your clothes?" tried Shibata

it was shimazakis turn to shrug "I just robbed them and kept what fitted"

"What? Who did you rob to get your current clothes" said Hatori surprised "i thought you had this aesthethic going"

"What?"

" You know like bad boy style. Kinda like grease"

"What"

"Grease? The musical-"

"ANYWAY" interrupted Minegishi "we are barely starting. Lets try somewhere else"

After that they went to other stores to try other clothes but each time the same scene of shimazaki, being unconfortable and not caring that much for what they picked, repeated and Shibata was having none of that.

He pulled Shimazakis arm turning him back. "Okay, man. From the clothes you are wearing right now. Which one do you actually like?"

It took shimazaki a full minute to answer but he finally said "The jacket"

Without thinking it twice Shibata dragged him to the first leather jacket store he saw, the others following close behind and scanned the items looking for a model that resembled Shimazakis the most.

Minegishi who had been looking at the tags glanced back to shibata "Are you sure about this? These are really expensive"

Shibata didnt reply and kept looking until he found what he wanted and smiliing turned to shimazaki"Take off your jacket and try this"

Shimazaki did as he said (and almost suceed at hiding the apprehesion Shibata had seen before when handing his jacket) and frowned when he put on the other. "Did you just hand me back my jacket again?"

Shibatas smile grew wider "Nop"

Shimazaki didnt believe him so he started to feel around for the bullet holes he knew were in the back and "stared" in disbelief when he couldnt find any of them.

Shibata resisted the urge to laugh "If you dont believe me check the sides. It has pockets"

"Maybe i never noticed mine had pockets" said Shimazaki stuffing his hands into the new pockets

"Sure man" shibata looked at the others "What do you think?"

"What am i suppsed to think? He looks exactly the same" said Hatori "At least this one isnt falling apart"

" Are you sure? Did you looked at the price" asked Minegishi again

Shibata glanced back at a now pouting Shimazaki who still had his hands stuffed inside the pockets and nodded "Its not like i will be broke if I buy it"

Shibata returned Shimazaki his old jacket and after paying for the new one he and the others gathered around Shimazaki

"Now shimazaki. Your pants"

"What about them?"

" what dont you like about your pants?"

Shimazaki looked offended "who said i dont like my pants?"

"You. You said it was the jacket what you liked the most and not the pants so theres sometjing about tjem you dont like" pointed out Minegishi

"Is the tightness isnt it?" Hatori asked with a smirk

"I actually like the tightness" deadpanned shimazaki and then looked like something disgusting crossed his mind but Hatori started screaming

"AH CMON! IM NOT BUYING HIM SLUTTY SKIN TIGHT LEATHER PANTS. DO YOU KNOW WHERE WE WILL HAVE TO GO-"

Minegishi covered hatoris mouth with his hand shutting him definitely "what did you think?"

"I liked shibatas clothes" Shimazaki reluctantly grumbled out

"AND THATS ANOTHER POINT FOR THE NIKE SHORTS GUY" bragged Shibata

"I liked Minegishis socks too"

"Wha-When did you use my socks?"

Shimazaki shrugged "That week you were hiding with them"

"You little piece of-"

They went to buy those and other clothes they deemed necesary ("STOP BEING CHILDREN YOU TWO. HE NEEDS UNDERWEAR TOO" yelled an embarrased Minegishi after the others laughed at him for suggesting it). Trying to get at least 2 items of each type of clothes

Eventually Shimazaki admitted he had liked the sweaters he tried first too and Hatori gladly bought them even though none of them correctly fitted (one was too tight and one was too loose)

With bags in hands they set out to leave and were talking about what to eat when Hatori cut it "Hey guys. Before we go i need to go to the bethroom!"

"Cant you wait till we go to eat?"

"If i could i would"

"Ugh fine. Do you even know where the bathroom is?

"There are six. Two in each floor. the closest to us in the middle, we passed it some minutes ago." shimazaki unexpectly said

Minegishit, shibata and Hatori stared baffled at him.

"How do you know...?"

"Mental eye?" said Shimazaki like it was the most obvious thing in the world "Theres so many people that I basically can see a complete map of the mall"

"Yeah but how do you know when you are seeing a bathroom?" asked curiously Hatori

The three of them started laughing when Shimazaki refused to answer

While they waited for Hatori Shibata glanced around and almost smacked himself in the head when he noticed certain store.

With all the drama of the clothes Shibata had completely forgotten the real reason they were here. Luckily for him it was in front of them

"LOOL GUYS! A PET STORE!"

Minegishi looked to where Shibata pointed and hummed "we could go look around while we wait"

"Why would we-" Shibata pulled again shimazakis arm not letting him finish his question and dragged him inside the store.

'Please let it be one of those stores please let it be one of those stores' kept repeating Shibata in his head until Minegishi pointed at one side of the store "Look, they have a pet zone"

Victory! "Lets go!"

Shimazaki followed Minegishi and Shibata to the far end of the store where a lots of kids were and stood awkwardly not knowing what to do when Shibata suddenly handed him a little ball of fur.

Heartbeats. Blood flowing. Breaths. Warm. Soft. Oh no.

When Hatori finally found them after searching for minutes it was to the scene of Shimazaki sitting on the floor the floor, face being licked by one of the five puppies sitting on his lap....Was he crying? (No he wasnt but it was close)

Minegishi and Hatori were loudly gasping while Shibata kept saying variations of "I told you guys!" "You didnt believe me"

It was a good day for Shibata.

At night Minegishi. And Shimazaki were facing a new problem he hadnt considered. Where would they put Shimazaki stuff?

"I thought you could use my wardrobe but its too small..." minegishi had forgotten how much of a space his uniforms occuped.

Shimazaki suddenly dissapeared and after some minutes teletransported back with some boxes and ignored when Minegishi asked him from where did he got them "People use boxes to store things. We can use them"

"I guess? But it will be a hassle to pile and unpile them whenever-I have an idea"

without further ado Minegishi activated his powers and with the plants and the boxes built and cabinet of sorts in tje licing room "This will have to do for a while"

They spent the rest of the night folding the clothes (more like Minegishi trying to teach Shimazaki how to do it) and then went to sleep.

Since Shimazaki was overpowered by a bunch of puppies(YEAH SHIBATA YOU WERE RIGHT WE WERE WRONG CAN YOU JUST SHUT UP), Hatori decided something must have broken inside him because he developed a new habit: He started to pet every dog he encountered

And "Encountered" was a way to put it

After the third scream that afternoon Hatori shaked his head while waiting for the man to come back

"SHIMAZAKI FOR THE LAST TIME STOP POPPING OUT OF NOWHERE"

"Why?"

"BECAUSE YOU SCARE THE SHIT OUTTA PEOPLE!"

"So?"

Hatori groaned dragging his hands along his face and then turned to walk away /flee the scene

" I knew we should have stayed back in the apartment playing videogames"

"I told you I didnt want to come" shimazaki whined

Hatori just glared at him and walked faster not caring whether the bastard followed him or not. Why was he stuck babysitting Shimazaki on his off day? Oh yeah, minegishi was working and Shibata...fuck shibata! How could he forget his wallet "well, you wouldnt have had to come if you had accepted to take him his wallet"

Shimazaki somewhat got offended by that "Iike some kind of delivery guy? What a waste of my powers. Besides if i had taken it to him he wouldnt have invited us to dinner"

"Okay. First of all delivery guys are the foundation of modern society and you should respect them and second SHIBATA DIDNT INVITE YOU YOU INVITED YOURSELF"

Shimazaki just shrugs "so? Its shibata! He always pays for me"

"Aaaand the manchild cant see why thats wrong" hatori mutters

"Hatori Im blind"shimazaki deadpans

"YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT-"

Shimazaki who was clearly ignoring Hatori perks up "Hes coming"

"Who is-?" hatori doesnt need to ask once he sees shibata giant form turning the corner ahead

"Hi guys!" Shibata greets waving at them .

Hatori hesitantly waves back "Shibata? What are you doing here? Didnt you have a class?"

"Boss had an emergency and we had to close early"

"Oh damn i hope it wasnt something serious-"

"WHO CARES? CAN WE GO ALREADY?" shimazaki whines

Shibata laughs and pats him on the back "Shimazaki! buddy, Im glad you came!"

Hatori rolls his eyes "the only reason he came was the food. He didnt even want you bring your wallet to you which reminds me" he takes out the wallet and gives it to him " you left it on the kicthen counter"

Shibata takes it and smiles "thank you man, you are the best!...so where do you guys want go?"

Shimaza was already opening his mouth to declare what he wanted when hatori pointed at accusatory finger at him "oh no! Dont even dare! Minegishi and Shibata spoil you enough"

Shibata frowned at him "We dont spoil him-"

Hatori turned to look at him with a face that said 'You gotta be kidding me' "YES YOU DO! He picked the last two times and I already had to deal with his bullshit all day so today I get to pick where we go!" hatori crossed his arms "besides it was me who brought the wallet"

"What? No! The places you pick are lame." shimazaki explaimed "shibata tell him!"

"Im sorry bud, he has a point there. You picked the last two times and its only fair he gets to pick today"

Shibata had to resist the laugh at seeing shimazaki sulk and Hatori stuck his tongue out at him.

After hatori proclaimed where he wanted to got they started to walk in that direction. Shibata carefully observed Hatori.

"So...what did shimazaki do to make you mad like that?" asked Shibata after a few minutes of walking

"He scared three persons on our way here" mumbled Hatori while he texted on his phone

"Three persons?" shibata looked back at shimazaki who walked behing with his hands in his pockets "Why?!"

Shimazaki shrugged "Its not my fault people are so easy to scare"

Not undertanding shibata turned to hatori confused

Hatori sigued and without looking from his phone he replied "He is doing again that thing where he teleports to pet nearby dogs"

Shibata groaned "Buddy! We have told you already theres no need to teletransport, you can just walk up to them and ask the owner if you can pet their dog"

Shimazaki rolled his eyes "Wheres the fun in that?"

"The fun is in the fact i wouldnt have to run 3 different times in less than 1 hour because of you" hissed Hatori finnally pocketing his phone

"Besides" picked Shibata " You cant go around petting peoples dogs"

"Huh? Why not?" rebuked Shimazaki "All dogs like to be petted!"

"Because you have to ask the owners permission first you dingus! Some people dont like to be molested "

"And there are some special dogs who shouldnt be petted or they get distracted from their duty "

"Oh! I heart about that-"

"They are dogs" Shimazaki snapped "What duty could dogs possibly have?"

Both men turned to him surprised "You dont know? You must know"

"About what?" answered Shimazaki

"Service dogs? You know...Dogs that help blind people? "

"What?"

Thats how they spend dinner explaining to shimazaki about service dogs

Later that night when a text from Minegishi saying "Who was the idiot who told Shimazaki about service dogs??" came they both ignored it

Feeling guilty for letting Minegishi crush Shimazakis dreams of having a dog after being the ones who told him in the first place, Hatori and Shibata arranged a day to accompany Shimazaki to pet dogs.

Susprinsingly the man had listened to them and stopped popping besides every person who walked their dog and instead waited for Hatori or Shibata to let him know when he could pet the dog.

Due to how complicated that was they soon found a solution: stray dogs were free of hassle even if they were more difficult to find.

"You know? The day he tries to keep one of them we will be in big trouble" mussed Hatori after Shimazaki dissapeared probably finding another stray

"i dont know. Minegishi was very harsh." Shibata laughed remebering that day " I doubt hell try it anytime soon"

Hatori hummed "Do you think hell stay there this time or wil he bring it-"

As in cue Shimazaki reappered, a dirty bundle of black hair in his arms "I got it! It was behind some trash bags"

Both men stared at the strange looking ball of fur, dread setting in their stomachs.

"S-Shimazaki...Buddy... I dont think thats a dog" said Shibata slowly backing away

"What do you mean-" the thing decided that moment to turn its head and reveal its masked eyes.

It was a raccoon.

It bit Shimazakis arm.

"AHHH STUPID SHIT" Shimazaki screamed and quickly trew the damn thing

"AHHHHHHHH" the damn thing, now a blur of claws and fangs, unfortunately landed on Hatoris head.

"Shimazaki help me here-AHHHH" screamed shibata when he tried to rip the beast from Hatoris face

Shimazaki just teleported away.

By the time the raccoon finally jumped and scurried away both Hatori and Shibata were covered in scratches and bleeding from different parts.

"He is gonna pay...Im gonna make him pay" muttered Hatori while cleaning his glasses.

"I think we should go to the hospital first..."

Originally shimazaki was gonna mistake a cat for a dog but a racoon sounded funnier.

Did you know you rarely see stray dogs in Japan because people immediately report them? Or at least thats what my japanese teachers told me.

I know this is like a month later but i had difficulties writing this...ngl the por reception the 3rd part had kinda bummed me BUT i love these guys too much and dont want to stop writing this so im okay now.

Besides in the meantime i wrote for my fics! College funds chapter 2 is up now and so is my newest fic Mother's day! You should check them out. Ive been writing a the good place au for mp100 too but i havent posted it yet.

Anyway! Hope you liked this (Dont listen to them Hatori, your sweater are great)and see you next part because where we will finally reach THE PRANK so be ready for it and some feels

(i was gonna include it in this part but it was already too large and i decided to rearrange some stuff)

Im posting this again because tumblr sucks and posted the first version as a quote that even i cant see