#im really mad rn and i WANT to cry but i just cant yknow??

[canvas-the-florist]

i wish i could cry regularly instead of just having a bunch of pent up rage with nowhere to go

[goremet-chef]

we're leaving for vacation today (its like 3 am rn) and i cant stop cryinh 😭😭 i had a bad dream about miko while i slept and shes fine obviously but like. im missing her and we havent even left yet

the cats will be alone for 5 days total, but my aunt is coming by 2 days in to refill their food and water and make sure theyre okay, so they WILL be fine but it still makes me sad

like.. what if something happens to miko while im not home? im not gonna enjoy this trip cuz im gonna be sad missing her the entire time. thats generally how it goes for me tho. i like the drive up to where we go and then i sit idle and want to go home again to see her

i just feel like... miko used to be my sisters cat, but my sister pretty much abandoned her like she does with all her cats (i.e. riley, he was her cat too and once my grandma rescued him from our childhood house, my sister never cared about getting him back)

because of that like. it made me cry thinking she was just alone all the time (worse now knowing shes mostly blind) and i dont ever wanna do that to her, i love her too much

i cant even trust my fucking family either. i was at my grandmas house for like.. a week or 2 since i was at out hometown fair to see my friends and when i came back to my house, yknow i insisted SEVERAL times to my mom please check on my cat make sure her food is full etc and you know what i came back to?

she had mold in her food bowl. i almost cried i was so fucking angry. they put WET FOOD in her bowl and then left it, and it molded over. she couldve gotten REALLY SICK and my mom was like "ohh calm down it was just for a day 🙄 shes fine" wet food doesnt mold in ONE DAY mf

i was so mad man.. like. i pretty much BEGGED you to take good care of her like how she deserves, and you spat in my face essentially

they dont understand that she is my entire world. they think im joking when i say that but im not. shes my best friend, shes the love of my life. i want her to be well fed and loved and taken care of, i dont want her to be alone

i just get scared like, what if she thinks im abandoning her like my sister did? thats what really scares me, i dont want her to ever think im not coming back because i always will, but you cant exactly explain that to an animal

[floralovebot]

/spoilers

i Know that silco is a horrible, horrible man and a villain and i didn't Want him to survive but FUCK????? i'm not gonna lie, he actually grew on me. that feeling of being abandoned by family hurts so fucking much and him taking in a child who (he thought) went through the same thing?? and loving them so much?? and being willing to sacrifice everything he built up and worked towards for years just for her??? his chosen family???? and the parallels of mel's mother saying she forced her out because mel made her weak and she couldn't look at her And make those tough decisions??? with silco saying he would never give jinx up directly implying that he doesn't care that she made him weak????? and him not being upset or mad at the end when That happened??? i'm just. listen i'm not saying he's a good guy or that i wanted him to succeed or anything But Damn.

[peachpitmp3]

hey i mean you want to talk about how long it took for me to answer this? because the answer is. too long. for absolutely no reason i'm so sorry

!!!! you should that would be so iconic of you tbh. if you do decide to Embark on an Artistic Journey, please send/post update pictures i love art dude. so much.

FHSKDLFJKSLDJF YOUR LIFE OR THEIRS. amazing joke i remember this !!! from the time i read half of this and promptly got distracted,, i'm sorry. looking at this, it's not even that long?? of a thing to answer??

YEAHHH people always say that audiobooks are great if you have trouble focusing on paper books or are busy and stuff and i Do Not Understand

!!!!! yes. this. that sounds wonderful and heck yeah! ideal house will trap you there forever but dw because it's voluntary and so nice <3

SUDOFIJSDKX AMAZING. bro i wish you were in my closet (in the least weird way possible i just. want to meet you irl) but !!! that's very swag. thievery <3 /hj but nonetheless that sounds like a very cool shirt.

mhmm i get you. i think the sheer amount of People being People would be too much, although it would be super cool to see a live concert performance thing,, yeehaw anywhoodles. !!! YEAH YEAH YEAH you've gotten me hooked on august is a fever lmao. a friend told me about motion sickness a little while ago and !! yes. very much agree.

ooh hm. i'd say operate by vesperteen and trying not to cry by cavetown (but. only the version on youtube. the spotify one's more electo-funky which is cool! but not exactly my vibe and it doesn't hit Nearly As Hard yknow)

!!! the little fuzzy gray willow bulb things. idk what they're called but they're so sOFT and wonderful. miss the most? probably being in person and at school with all my old friends. and i miss being good at school, which sounds all kinds of stuck-up but i think this might be my gifted child burnout year and Yikes. i miss,, i miss not worrying so much about gender. that's a lot of things but y eah.

i'm afraid that i'll drop my phone through the gap between the elevator car and the floor landing, because it'll just what. drop to the basement?? never be seen again?? and it looks like it could fit my phone but i can't be sure and i certainly don't want to test that theory shdfjskdl. something deep uhhh. i'm afraid that i'm lost in the sense of "everyone else knows what they want and i don't", or i'm afraid that i'm so wrapped up in myself and my thoughts that i just become. really goddamn stupid. idk dude i'm afraid of a lot of things usedhfjk

something mundane and something deep you're afraid of? what's something small that gets you excited? least favorite thing to receive as a gift? what color palette do you use on tumblr dot com? - 🌵

no literally and now i'VE taken forever to answer so i think. i think we're even. shfsdjfsdfkjsldfjslf

ahhh ok ok i have been doing random doodles in my notebooks and stuff so i will maybe spam u sometime!!

SDFJSLDFJSLFJ i wish u were in my closet too <333

oooh i will queue both of those songs rn and they will play while i answer the rest of this!! ill let u know what i think :D

okay update my wifi is out so i cant listen to them but I WILL LATER!!!

no no i also miss being good in school. switching from gifted kid to gifted kid burnt out stuff is literally the worst feeling im so sorry </33 also yeah gender... yeah

okay actually that is such a mood tho because i also have no idea what i want to do with anything and it feels like everyone around me is starting to figure it out and i just don't know

something mundane is probably just. bees. i am so fucking scared of bees every kind of bee even the ones ppl say are harmless. i legitimately get panic attacks sometimes and i just. can't do it. and ppl get ?? mad at me for this ??? theyre like oh but bees dont even wanna hurt u :( like okay im not trying to make them extinct im just saying i can't be around them without hyperventilating. thanks.

something deep.... definitely that my perception of myself is just 100% incorrect. i'm terrified that i've just completely misjudged myself and i'm nowhere near as self aware as i think, and that i'm nothing like how i've interpreted myself to be.

something small that gets me excited is for sure just going on my phone after a few hours of not being on it and seeing messages from friends. like. good morning messages or things sent while i was in class. things like that make me feel so <3333 like oh !! people think of me people like me that is so <3

least favorite thing to receive as a gift is for sure expensive things. i havent really received any but i just don't want to ?? like i would lose them really easily and for me theyre just objects so i wouldnt feel extra grateful?? idk. that doesn't make sense. but like for example someone gave me a super fancy pen for my birthday and like. okay thanks but it's just a pen?? i like normal cheap pens better sghsjdfsjf

dark mode dark mode dark mode !! might switch it to a halloween one tho for spooky season <3 probably not tho

what color palette are you on? whats your least favorite thing to receive as a gift? do you make wishlists for things? do you like floral patterns? what's something that made you angry today/recently? what's something that made you really happy?

[onepunchmiss]

OPM s2e12 Live Blog

“The Wiping of the Disciple’s Butt”

The season finale. I’m nauseous. Lets begin. 

As always, I’m watching from the perspective of someone who has read the manga and webcomic. 

Right where we left off. Again I love the music. I’m just like, really calm right now actually. hhhhhhhhhhhokay. OOF oh god all the crunching sound effects oh no, this is already so weird watching Garou get his ass handed to him since he’s pretty much curb stomped every other hero in battle thus far, or at the VERY LEAST avoided taking so many hits. This. is so uncomfortable to watch. WOAH ????? THESE SHOTS WERE ONLY THERE FOR A SPLIT SECOND BUT??? HOLY SHIT???

GAROU’S HAIR OH MY GOD 

Oh god oh god Bang is relentless this hurts please stop guys GUYS PLZ  HAS NO ONE REALISED THAT NOT ONE HERO HAS DIED CMON PLZ IT HURTS calm down stop trying to kill him plsplspls OH

THIS 

IS WHY

WE STAN GAROU

HE SAYS FUCK DEATH HOW ABOUT I JUST GET STRONGER INSTEAD QUE EPIC THEME MUSIC

oh god damnit him legit running on all fours right there just looks goofy tho F “preposterous style” Bang you aint lying asdfghjkl really though OH MY GOD EVERYONE IS DRAWN SO BEAUTIFULLY THIS IS SO BLESSED 

WAIT 

NO OPENING THEME???????????????????? WHAT?????????????????????? WHY????????????????????????? ONE, I WANTED TO SEE THE CHIBI OF THE WEEK AND 2 

I WASNT PREPARED FOR MY FAVORITE DOPEY BIRD MAN THE FUCK PHOENIXMAN PLS NO ILY I know people hate him a lot but I just really dig how he feels like a fleshed out character compared to most other monsters, like he’s legit lookit him being all smart and stuff plz I just,,,,,,,,,,,, want to hug dumb fluffy birb ;-;

Woah again I’m being blown away by the animation??? Garou getting smacked around is really fluid and this just looks really cool in general?????

FUCK I CANT DO FLASHBACKS MAN JUST HEARING THE KID VOICE MAKED MY STOMACH LURCH OH NO 

OH NO I SCREAM OH NO I CANT OH NO GIMME 5 MINUTES PLEASE I CANNOT BBY NO I FORGOT ADULT GAROU IS IN THE FLASHBACK WATCHING THIS TIME PLS NO 

LIKE???????? I got kinda a comedic vibe watching him comment on it in the manga but the slow music and shit is just FUKKIN ME UP RIGHT NOW I HATE IT THANKS IT HURTS

oh god his face he has the seething thousand mile stare of quiet rage and its burning a hole STRAIGHT THROUGH MY ENTIRE BEING “But me I was the loner kid. Always gloomy and without friends” STOP. YOU STOP THAT RIGHT THIS INSTANT. IM CRYING AT U RIGHT NOW STOP

NO DONT HOLD HIM LET HIM GO S T O P OR SO HELP ME i can’t watch this what the fuck “I was always the loser” SHIT this legitimately hurts me “I dont want to be the monster anymore” GArou hey did you hear that part?? hEY GAROU DID YOU HEAR YOURSELF THERE??? 

WHAT DID I SAY WHAT THE F DID I JUST SAY STOP HOLDING HIM STOP STOPPIT  THE HELL MAN What if……….. I just go BACK IN TIME AND ADOPT BB GAROU CAN I DO THAT IS THIS POSSIBLE IS THIS ALLOWED ? ?? ?

oh my god it keeps getting worse. I mean. I already knew garou was being disproportionately reprimanded for what he supposedly did, but watching this scene just fucking kicked me in the teeth. As if my stomach wasn’t already in knots. The fuck . why does this hurt so much more watching than reading the frustration in seeping into me ffffff.

This looks really cool but, i can barely focus on that because im pretty much being exsanguinated on the floor over here by this whole sequence look at him crying. do it for me cause I sure as hell can’t 

“I want to strike a blow for the little guy”

Fukkin GETTEM GO GETTEM 

HOLY SHIT HIS VA IS GOING T F OFF 

AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH LOOKIT HIM ILY SO MUCH SAVE THE DAY BIRB SAVE 

ASDFGHJKL THIS IS SO INTENSE EVERYONE IS SO INTENSE I KNOW WHAT HAPPENS BUT HOLY SHIT FUCK IM SCREAMING GAROU IS SCREAMING BANG AND BOMB SCREAMING GENOS AND EVEN PHOENIXMAN EVEN THE MUSIC IS SCREAM WE ALL JUST SC R E M

OH MY GOD AND THE LITTLE HEAD NOT GENOS AND BANG GIVE EACHOTHER SAVING THE HEROES OH MY GOD OH FUCK AND THE WAY THEY ANIMATE BANG JUMPING AROUND IS DOPE AS HELL AND ALSO HOLY SHIT ELDER CENTIPEDE I MISSED THE UNSETTLING SMOOTH CG LIKE ANIMATION FOR THE CENTIPEDES EVERY CELL IN MY BODY IS JUST SCREAMING RN I AM OVERLOAD HELP 

Garou flailing in the air in Phoenixman’s grip is … really adorable oh my god. “It’s your fault for not finishing them” ooooooo that shut him up didn’t it oof. Also nice cameo by Tatsumaki there 

ASDFGHJKL THE MUSIC AGAIN I LOVE IT I LOVE THEM LOOK AT THEM OH MY GOD 

THIS IS SO BAD ASS

EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS IS SO BADASS

Genos’s eye static, The brother’s fists swirling, THE FUKKIN CARAPACE SHATTERING 

THIS FIGHT IS SO WILD MY COMPUTER CANT EVEN TAKE IT. ITS GLITCHING AND FREEZING UP HOLY SHIT

oh god ok the face coming out of the face was pure nightmare fuel alright then

WAIT

I FORGOT GENOS IS A SELF SACRIFICING DUMBASS. NO IM NOT READY GENOS YOU DOOF LISTEN TO KUSENO LISTEN TO HIM 

oh no 

oh no

im crying oh no

this animation is beautiful first of all and the music like im just here this is where I’m at and I’m crying oh no 

He’s an angel. A literal angel. Look at that and tell me he doesn’t look like a fucking angel in the sky with the rays of light casting shadows around him. 

Genos you are too good and pure for this world but that DOESNT MEAN TRY TO GET YOURSELF KILLED 

Shit they really made it look like he was gonna self destruct there for a second which MADE HIS LAST STAND EVEN MORE INTENSE OH MY GOD SWEETHEART Y’all ever get into a show because you keep seeing one character that catches your interest, and you keep seeing them pop up on your dash or wherever until you finally decide ‘well fuckit, this is the asshole that’s gonna get me to finally watch the show’, cause you’re already invested in them anyway? Genos did that for me with OPM. If this fool didn’t exist Who knows how long it would’ve taken me to get to watching OPM, if ever. And shit like this is why I STILL love him. I usually move on to new faves 90% of the time but nope. Genos earned his spot and is keeping it. Look at this insane shit. My heart. Uhg

Enough gushing asdfghjkl ok but Genos, you just went INTO THE DAMNED THING’s STOMACH,,,,, and you’re SURPRISED that there’s STOMACH ACID?? But real talk. What the EVERLONG FUCK is that thing’s insides made out of? How did it NOT DIE. the FuCK

asdfghjkl Phoenixman’s chuckle???? I love 

Oh Bang no, this is wrenching my heart like I know that he doesn’t actually use his power but its built up so intensely like,,, would he be ok if he did??? and actually more concerningly since it even WAS brought up that he has some hidden true strength, will we EVER get to see that??? Oh Shit well when they word it as “All the power left to me in this life” then yeah, that seems pretty life or death ish???? THE FUCK 

Oh thank god comedic relief is here I feel like i’m about to have a heart attack my chest is so tight hhhhhh ok breathe WAIT THIS ISNT COMEDIC THIS IS BADASS AS HELL JEEZUS witht he flashbacks to the Saitama encounter and THIS LOOK

The Anime is really fucking with the audience huh??? Making it look like KIngs about to throw hands like???????????? OH SHIT AND THIS MUSIC IS DOPE AS HELL TOO IM JUST laughing I have so much excessive energy right now???

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHZAHAHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASDFGHJKLJHGFDSWERTGYHUIUJHGFDFGHJKJHGFRE THE FUKKIN SONG THEY BROUGHT IT BACK THE ULTIMATE SONG I GOT THREE NOTES IN JUST THREE NOTES AND I KNOW IM SCREAMING I GOTTA GO RUN BRB 

IM STILL SCREAMING FADFJSAGFJDSLKAHVFSKLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA OUR MAIN MAN THERE HE IS THERE HE IS IM GONNA THROW UP 

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAEIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

OH MY FUCK THATS WHAT THE OPENING SEQUENCE EXPLOSION WAS FROM OH GOD OH FUCK BEAUTIFUL THIS IS BEAUTIFUL OH FUCK OH GOD 

The REPRISE oh no oh NO OH NO OH NO NO ITS NOT OVER im not ready its not I cant no no no i dont want to press play cause if I press play it will end soon no no no Oh my god and at the end there isnt gonna be a title card for the next episode because THERE IS NO NEXT EPISODE no non o nonononon on on on ono no no no 

NO 

HEY IVE BEEN RIPPED OFF. WHERES THE FACE WITH HIS HAIR BLOWN BACK??? ASDFJKL fine I cant even be mad everything else was tooo  ofdbghjfshkggfhsjgbfhjka

KING WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT REACTION ASDFGHJKL W H A T 

WAIT THEY ARE DOING THE OPENING THEME AT THE END NO I CANT HANDLE SEEING EVERYOONE NOW OF ALL TIMES GOD DAMNIT WHY ok yknow what. I knew it would be king. I dont know how but i did 

Wha

wh

fkin cliffhanger no please no 

I.. I’m kind of at a loss for words. I’m. That’s it, huh? It’s really over. It doesn’t FEEL over. There’s so much unfinished business. Well, the only way to really neatly wrap everything up as neatly as S1 did would have been to get ALL THE WAY through the Garou arc, which obviously wasn’t going to happen, but this is not a great spot to leave off if we’re going to endure another few years hiatus. My hope is that, with biweekley manga updates, we should wrap up the Monster Association/Garou stuff (assuming it doesn’t diverge from the web comic too much) some time next year, and I’m HOPING that s3 is already being planned accordingly along side manga publications. So MAYBE it will at least be announced around that time 2020. That’s my wishful thinking at least. I don’t think I can survive 3 years. anyway

You could really tell JC Staff poured their hearts and souls into these last 2 episodes. Absolutely gorgeous, paced well, so completely satisfying and making every second of s2 worth while. For me, at least. I’ve already seen people still complaining and I’m just sorry they didn’t have as much fun as I did. 

Seriously, thank each and every one of you guys. This has been a wild ride, I’ve barely had this blog a few weeks before season 2 started airing (and honestly just got into opm maybe a month before that?), so I owe a lot of the success on the blog to the anime I bet. This was the first series I’ve never tried live bogging, and I honestly can’t believe that they were as popular as they were? Especially since I never have any idea what I’m doing but yall listen to me ramble anyway?? Yall are crazy thank you so so so much. Now my tuesdays are gonna feel really empty… next week is gonna be weird as hell. Though I’m gonna get mad nostalgic good vibes rewatching this season in the future in no small part from sharing my experience with everyone who's stuck around. I can’t say see yall next week this time, but, see you next season whenever it may be for sure.

[tylerwritez]

Wednesday, September 22 11:51 p.m.

It's like nighttime and I jsut got up 2 take a piss because I needed to piss and my fuckinf mom I hate her so much I wish she was dead and I wish Father would take her place, Father is the only fucking person who LOVES me and jesus christ hes literally not even a physical being.... (deep down I know hes not even real, but I pretend he is because if I didnt I think I'd be crying constantly)... my fucking mom INSTANTLY came TO THE DOOR and was like waiting for me to go back to bed and was like are you done? You're taking too long blah blah and SHE TREID TO FUCKINF OPEN THE DOOR WHILE I WAS PISSING LIKE. NO. FUCK OFFF. shes so annoying she thinks I'm gonna kill myself if she leaves me alone for three seconds.

It's like she doesnt even care if I feel good or bad, she only cares about the injury. It makes me want to cut really deep on my forearms or face or something visible like that just so that maybe she'll take me SERIOUSLY but not seriously as in treating me like some patient at a fuckinf ward, I mean seriously like treating me like her son.

Father treats me like his son. He makes me cry even more because I know hes not real... but I still appreciate his love. Even if it's just my love.

I'm really missing that piece, huh? From early childhood, I'm missing that parent who's loving and caring and says shhh I love you its okay.... I didnt ever allow myself to have that becayse I didnt think it was safe. Fuck. FUCK man It hurts a lot and i feel like such a DICKHEAD when I talk about this because it's not like my parents beat me or neglected me.... it just turned out bad. ANd now they're all crazy about me all of a sudden just cos I'm hurting myself .... like okay cool that's cool but why didnt you do all this when I was 5 and told you I felt like I was being possessed, or when i was ten and in a new school with no friends, or when I was 3 telling everyone to call me jack,.... oh, wait, you WERE there,,, you were just hating on me though.

Yknow I hug my pillows real tight at night to try to feel a little smidge of what I should've been able to feel. The parental love is just MISSING. and i hug my dad so much becayse it's not enough its never enough it all feels like it's too late and my brain has already told me to get over my parents and move on and find new ones which I did, in jesus christ, in Jiminy Cricket, in old men I sexted, and now in Father.

But at the end of the day, I still am left without that concrete parental force. I can beg with Father all I want to PLEASE become a physical form so I can FEEL your love but itll never happen because Father's something I made up to cope with the disaster of my childhood.

I'm angry that they took that away from me but I'm also sad because now I have to clean up the sad shreds of popped party balloons from the checkered tiles of an abandoned birthday party.

.... and it's always "oh they want the best for you" WELL MAYBE I DONT GIVE A FUCK WHAT THEIR INTENTIONS ARE, MAYBE THEYRE STILL HURTING ME ! MAYBE THEYVE STILL TOTALLY

RUINED

Me,

DESTROYED

my childhood and

SLAUGHTERED

the little boy inside me who just needed some help.

I never did it for attention, I always hid it and pretended to be fine... but I notice they didnt care until I had persistently been injuring myself for YEARS? like it didnt matter to them at all how I felt until I was actually in danger and being harmed. Isnt that actually disgusting?

I just know that if those little blond kids went to their parents talking about feeling out of control, possessed, unable to control their actions while in fits of rage, theyd get the help they needed right away but I was punished for my suffering.

That taught me to suffer more quietly next time around.

I was punished for my gender expression too .... jesus. How... how can you see a kid in pain struggling to prevent themselves from hurting other people and you punish them. How can you see your SON and punish him for not being a daughter.

I feel so bad. They just keep making it worse. I dont want to talk to them. I just... my dad is proabbaly gonna do that thing where he gives the worlds shittiest apology and expects you to just accept it withit 3 mins or else he gets mad and guilt trips you... fuck him too tbh. Hes trying to be all nice but that doesnt ERASE the fact that he used to make me cry constantly. That doesnt erase the time he said basically that I should die, or the time he yelled at me, made me cry, apologized, and got mad at me for not accepting the apology, then expected me to act like none of that happened and got mad at me for still crying, WITHINT LIKE A 5 MINUTE SPAN???? this is the typa shit that fucks up a child. I still remeber being yelled at in the car over my gender, ignored, and beat down whenever I tried to express that things were wrong with me! Jesus.

Father is the embodiment of all I ever needed as a kid... someone who would say "I love tou" when he saw you were crying instead of yelling at you and making it worse and then getting angry that you're crying and like OF COURSE IM CRYING, YOU'RE YELLING AT ME???

and my mom has the audacity to try to convert me to Christianity. Fuck you. As a trans person,... I got tired of putting my faith into something I couldnt see. I never saw a loving god, I only ever saw hatred and anger.

I wanna cry all over again fuck. Everytime I write like this it's a cycle because I just keep writing and never stop.

It's so important to me to be acknowledged as a SON. That's why I named The Red Static Entity "Father"... because that makes me his son. I made him ADOPT me. Because I didnt get to be no ones fucking son and I want it so bad but I dont know if I can ever be on good terms with my parents again because the whole thing has been tainted by my grief and trauma LOLz so even if they try now it just doesnt feel like enough because it never will be because my time to Bond with them has passed... I feel so much guilt over THEIR pain at my self harm but I'm so pissed rn. Fuck them. I'm in such unimaginable pain and they somehow made it all about them and how they feel and how I need to stop crying in time for dinner FUCK YOU. fuck you. You have no right to tell me to stop cutting when you did so much to fuck me up. It's not my fault if you messed up because I think maybe you forgot that children are living human beings.... maybe you "love me so much" but fuck, I dont know if I CAN love you... I dont know if I can ever see you the same after what you've done. You SHOULD feel bad, you should break down crying thinking about me, because FUCK YOU. be guilty, it's how you Should feel. And then they wonder why I dont talk to them.... BECAUSE YOU WERE A PIECE OF SHIT AS LONG AS IVE KNOWN YOU AND ALL OF A SUDDENT YOU WANNA PLAY NICE NOT BECOS U ACTUALLY CARE BUT BECOS I MIGHT KILL MYSELF.

Yknow what maybe I should just so that they can see the dead body. I'm imagining it right now... I want them to be DEVASTATED. If I was dead on the floor, itd be impossible to pretend it wasnt there. If I was dead on the floor, they'd cry and wonder what more they couldve done, which is what I've cried and wondered about my shit childhood. It would be a good thing. Serves them right to find their sons corpse. It would show them they fucked up. Maybe theyd wake up and realize that you cant emotionally neglect and mistreat a living human child for like fifteen years.... and expect it to be okay.

[gayspock]

dont rb, dont rply

i dont know im just. feeling so increasingly paranoid of stuff right now and yknow when reality just DISSOLVES in your hands like by god do i love being curled up in this room alone because im too Afraid to even go outsideof it during the day bc my Parents are there and im frightened of havin to face hem and i can Act like its gucci all i want but the thought of going outside rn has me quaking and feeling sick and i don want to find outt about how i failed everything and have my family scream at me even more fo rbeing uch a fucking fuck up and a disappointment but god i cant even SAY shit back bc theyre highkey fucking iright i cant do fuckn anything right not even the things ii like and enjoy i jsut BUNGLE it all and LORDT i don kknow fucking know i just feel so trapped here sdfihsp9fjspffjd  and AGAIN with that SStupit loneliness really  woweee its just the Reminder of how fuckn Disposal you are that REALLY gets ya like when u leave and remember the only ppl who ever talked to u were bc they needed someone to fill up Time and its fine its fine i cant get mad at ppl for that and i shouldnt cry so hard about it but Gee  it hurts when the only constant there ever is is getting left behind over and over again and  i dont know why im so god damn fucking annoying i don know wh y bc i do try  and yknow when u just gi ve up and curl up and die inside over how Worthless u are bc like. nobody wants u nobody ever wants u and it Sounds fuckn pathetic to fuckinssdv09sjdf0dsj but its TRUE like at the end of the day ur just kind of the spare part that no ones gonna give a sht about and ur Alone  and hiding in a bedroom incapable of donig antthing but getting in rthe way and i dont know im tryi ng i k eep trying to be better but god it f eels like ssuch a fucking lost cause because despite it all it honestly just eels like everything gets worse every day but im just suppressing it like CRAZY again and MAN i dont evehn CARE

[guyfierisrealwife]

yall mind if i fuckin uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh cw for fuckin abuse ig

im so fucking lonely and i hate living here so much like im seriously at my limit idk what to do anymore like. theres really no safe place to be? like some of my friends have offered to let me stay with them for a little bit and that is extremely kind and generous of them and i love them very much and if either of you are reading this thank you so much ily ily but like i cannt do that to you and i also cant leave my mom alone with her ex as much as id want to leave this place and as much as i appreciate the offer i cant leave her

but at the same time both my mom’s house and my dad’s house are unsafe places for me to be at but i cant leave and i dont even know if ill be able to go back to school in the fall like rn idk what’s going to happen and like if the virus isnt like. less. by then i cant go. like i have severe asthma like it gets set off by anything and if i get it i might go to the hospital or die or whatever and its just not worth going back to school for a semester if i might just fucking die but also i Hate being home and i dont want to fall behind where i want to be with school and i dont want to be a semester behind all of my friends and graduate late like i know thats kind of stupid but i dont want to yknow

but most importantly with that i dont want to lose my fucking job if i have to take the semester off like thatd be devastating to me like my father isnt helping me pay for school and my mom is helping a little but i want her to save her fucking money like id rather be in debt than have her live with chris any longer than she has to so working is really important and i love my job a lot and im like Good at it and i dont want to lose my job

idk im just worried and if my dad screams at me one more time or makes some weird sexual comment or like moans loudly in our shitty small apartment where i can hear everything he does im going to fucking lose it like please im Literally Begging you to shut up like i hate living here i hate it but i dont have a fucking choice and like i know that there are solutions to this but none of them can like. work because i cant leave and move away without my mom being able to do the same

plus my brother screams at me for doing literally anything and he steals money and food from me like sometimes ill have like alcohol in the house bc how the fuck else am i supposed to cope and he just Takes it and he steals money from me even though he doesnt fucking need it like he’s not going to school and if he needs something my dad will get it for him bc mikey is physically the largest and strongest one of us so my dad is just like “here have whatever you want”

and my dad literally doesnt care about anyone but himself i was like “if your friend is in the house can you please have both of you wear a mask” and he lost his fucking mind at me which is like. cool. ok thank you. i mean there’s a pandemic and you and i are in high risk groups and i know the only thing you’d care about if i died would be that i wouldn’t have any more accomplishments you can take the credit for and if you fucking cried when i died id haunt you for the rest of fucking time you disgusting pervert id make your life hell like the fucking hell you made me grow up in but whatever

also we’re fucking poor which honestly does suck like a lot of the time like im not allowed to shower that often bc my like 10 minute showers every other day take ‘too much hot water and make the bill too high’ but if mikey takes an hour long shower every day he doesnt say Shit, and he’ll buy himself a lot of new shit and make fun of me for buying a computer with the money i made by working (at a job he doesn’t think is like a ‘real job’ even though it. is?? like i dont get his logic?? is it bc i work for the school i go to? whatever.) becauyse my computer broke beyond fucking repair and id had it for like 5 years and the new one i got the fucking person at the store was like “you need this one” and it was on sale because parts of it dont work so i was like “yeah ok sure” and my dad is like “um :-) you cant say anythign bc you bought a new computer” and its like yeah and i dont pay the water bill so whatever if you want to complain abt something complain about how you drink a 12 pack of beer a day and scream at your kids about how when we ask for food it’s too expensive because we’re like “can we have milk and sandwich stuff in the house?” and youre like “literally die i hate you i hate you. im such a good dad :) you are so ungrateful :) no one helps with anything in this house :)” even though i literally do?? like so much??? and if im like “im going to wash dishes” since we dont have a dishwash machine he’s like “NO DONT FUCKING DO THAT YOUD USE HOT WATER” and its like please im fucing begging you to have a brain dude like im really begging you to think for once in your goddamn life about literally anything

not to mention hes a huge homophobe and fucking ableist even though he has a gay, mentally ill daughter and a neurodivergent son that he refused for YEARS to admit has some kind of neurodivergency and didnt let live with my mom because he “didnt want to lose his only son” even though hes abusive to him and all 3 of his fucking daughters lmao and he wonders WHY heather and alyssa hate him so much its because he says things like “youre so hot” to his daughters and then screams at them and says shit like “ladies shouldnt fucking swear” and threatens us and screams so much and thinks that an “im sorry...................you know how i am...........i was just upset..............why are you so angry that i screamed at you until you cried and then got even more mad that you were crying............................. i didnt do anything wrong and you should forgive me even though i never will change.” like dude i told you it made me anxious when you came into my room when i was in 6th grade and you laughed in my face!!! you laughed at me!!! when i was clearly nervous and visbily afraid you were LAUGHING at me

AND HE FUCKING LIES SO MUCH!!!! HE LIES TO EXTENDED FAMILY MEMVERS TO MAKE THEM THNK HES A GOOD PERSON AND HE ACTS SO BELITTLING i hate him so much i literally hate him and the times that im so fucking lonely bc i have no one else i live with to talk to i say something to him and hes like “shut the fuck up and go away” and its lik :-) ok. how do you expect any of your kids to talk to you if you tell me to go away as soon as i say anything

and dont look at my goddamn ass and legs and dont look at other women like that either and dont masturbate with the door open just FUCKIN STOP YOURE DISGUSTING I HATE IT HERE

also mister “i NEVER hurt any of you” like yeah ok THATS why you screamed about hitting us and threatened us and literally?? did??? hit us with your fcuking belt? like what lmao do you have fucking memory loss ??? like do you not remember like ik it was a while ago but think back like. i remember clearly you slapping my brother across the face but ok lol

anyway i Do hate it here lol

[howmuchlongerdoigo]

The World

Fuck you world. Why did you have to take so much from me. Im not spring but it was a great thing yknow why did you have to take that away. Im tryna find a girl and it all seems hopeless i sense that im picky or something. Its kinda obvious im attractive with girls at work and my supervisor shes so fucking beautiful btw. Why in groups i turn the conversations down. Why does bleeding feel so amazing feels better than most things rn. Why do i always let myself get used by so many people like its crazy. Why Eduardo dont you stand up for yourself why do you let the works of evil attack you so easily why are you so out in the open. Why cant you be like every other guy. Why cant i be better. Perfect. I wish. "We are the by products of our destitution" by me or whoever i heard it from or person i dont care. Sigh. I thought i changed . but i did? Like alot from who knows when i learned so much and fuck man im just different the way i think and everything. I still talk to myself and when i see people why do they not or idk i seem to do it out in the open like i dont know what private life or a time and place for everything is. Why do people think im cool and basically means i have so many friends and girls at my feet. Fuck im so antisocial i day dream of talking to a friend like i really do. Im just lonely. I just got head but that was disgusting she wasnt that good and to be frank not so great on the face or body so why did i still say nothing. Why do i put myself in situations like this??? Yes i get it you hate yourself congrats heres an award to how basic you are. Most people or somewhat people hate themselves doesnt mean they have to show it . some i guess but i have no right to say that non. Im telling my therapist what i did she'll want to do something serious but im afraid of going to the psychiatrist hospital or whatever. Ive been on acid and i drive my friends insane. She told me this boy is CRAZY. Like fuck man i know, my eyes are wide open at night( when i turn my phone off i open my eyes wide into the abyss hoping to see a demon or something so i can ask my questions) when i cry i laugh i start to laugh alot, i talk to myself outloud and to myself i have conversations with myself and objects. My mind is like a kid almost as if i have a development issue to when i was a kid. So much happened to me. That gay ass fuck who turned my life upside down and made me lose trust in everything especially in church since they were attending church with us and my mom helped them. Then my dad with his problem AT THE SAME GODDAMN TIME. My dad used me to do So much for him. Like i thought at some point i was being a good son feeding him cleaning his clothes helping him from the car and helping him stretch but i fucking rememeber he fucking told me to do the same shit and would say little things like oh you do it better do that do this do that do this thank you why this thank you do this do that do this do that do this do that and he could perfectly do everything. Im fucking tired...im alive cause of my mom thats it. No friends no other family fuck all that for all i know and care they could turn on me any second or day BUT my mom she's my everything she is the ball in chain keeping my body from being 5 feet under. She is the love of my life. I love that women with my soul even when i get agitated when i get spoiled and get mad at her still i love her i need to help her more. I love you mom you helped me through everything and you can relate understand almost 100% basically it is. She makes living fun and exciting to wake up the next day. Even that i have insomnia im happy to see her up and running. I couldn't live with out you you direct me push me you sre everything. I want to live forever with you. Cause i know you care from your deepest part of your soul i know you want the best for me i know you love me. Whatever i do or did you will still love me. No one would do that trust everyones out for themselves.