#im really just speaking in the void here but i could probably do a one to one for a lot of them

[lightning-girl]

theres so many problems with wayne family adventures but honestly the worst crime is making new characters when there are perfectly good ones already existing in canon that they could use and just. don't.

[vyl3tpwny]

wauitb what the fuck i have 5000 followers

this is insane hi guys

to celebrate 5000 followers on tublr here are some facts about myself: - my favourite food is fried chicken

- my favourite food is spicy fried chicken

most of my hyperfixations fluctuate in and out, but some that don't ever seem to let me go are my little pony, half life, skrillex, undertale/deltarune

recently i have developed an unfathomable obsession with bees i have a huge bee hyperfixation i play bee swarm simulator on roblox every day and i watch bee videos and i also just designed a beesona on pony town its name is beetrice the dragon bee:

my favourite movie is probably wolf children or mr. bean's holiday or elf

im basically lucario for girls

i am like a dragon and i collect things that i like.. you can see some here:

i play a lot of instruments, mostly piano, drums, singing, and guitar/bass/ukulele. my first instrument was the drums tho which i started playing when i was 2 or something. i no longer play drums because our house is too small for a drum set right now and i dont like electronic drum kits. one day!!!!

i have had zero music lessons which is why you should also make music bc you dont need to spend life savings on music education to make chunes

non-musicians who have influenced me the most are @sterfler and @astroeden who have changed my brain chemistry forever artistically (this is not an exaggeration)

i am not allergic to anything at all somehow

im the motherfucker who will drink an entire gallon of whole milk with nothing else yeah im just kind of awesome like that

i do not drink alcohol (anymore) or smoke or do drugs or anything like that just a personal pref

i am filipino but i am also chinese and scottish and italian and polish and maybe other things

i have been openly queer since 2011

i have been a furry since 2007 or something?

i have been making music since 2007 or something....?

my first true love as a musician was queen, which (because of their older albums) was my rabbit hole into the world of progressive rock. my passion for creating music was nurtured entirely by my discovery of genesis and the album 'the lamb lies down on broadway'. the next thing that shaped me as an artist? skrillex - 'scary monsters and nice sprites'

i have really bad verbal processing issues so you can probably speak directly to me and i will have no idea what youre saying sometimes

my feelings on art change a lot but i update my topster lists every now and again

i am mostly right [hoofed] but i'm technically ambidextrous

my first concert was bruce springsteen i think it was in 2009. i still love the the boss to this day.

i'm a kitty cat

i am also a dragon

i am also a possum

i am a formless void

my first song i wrote when i was 8 was titled after a jimmy neutron reference

the second song i wrote was a fan song about the flying dutchman

i played the original dota warcraft 3 mods long before dota 2 and league of legends existed because i've been a blizzard fangirl since like 2005 and now i hate blizzard so fuck you blizzard you're evil as shit but anyway i used to try and do map development for warcraft iii games but really my favourite thing to do was build maps where i could build the biggest possible army to fight npcs for fun. one of the first videos on my thecobalion channel is a warcraft iii map someone else made. i've just now turned it off private so you can see it if you want.

my favourite kind of humour is recursive

ok thanks what i can remember about myself right now. thanks for following me!!!!

[galacticleague]

speaking my truth on npmd because im thinking about this alot. i think the reason it falls flatter than tgwdlm and bf as a musical is that tgwdlm and bf have a running theme — want.

(whole thing undercut)

the cast of tgwdlm want human connection - charlotte wants sam to love her, bill wants alice to love him, mr davidson wants his wife to choke him while he jerks off etc etc, and eventually paul goes from 'i want what anyone wants, money, kids, a partner maybe idk' to - to put it simply - wanting emma (putting it very simply, if i went into detail this post would go off the rails). this switch is what makes him vulnerable to the hive and this want to live and to survive and to be happy with emma is satiated by pokey by giving him the connection he craves via hivemind, this is how it works for everyone. they want to be happy, pokey makes them happy by removing any need to want anything in the first place.

similarly, in bf, the adults of hatchetfield are still miserable and they want to be happy, they have this void within them that they feel they need to fill with products and consumerism. if they buy this stupid fucking doll their kids will love them, they will be happy, etc etc. and this want to be happy is similarly satiated by wiggly via the cult - they have something to worship, or - in lindas case - people who worship them. they have purpose, or at least they think they do, but whether their problems have actually been solved or not - they are still content.

but in npmd, this is less solid. theres that bit where they have to sacrifice what they want the most, but this is near the end. its kind of all over the place, and this wobbliness(?) is sort of just emphasised by the fact that there is no specific lord in black, its all of them. now i loved the summoning when i first watched it because im obviously a huge hatchetfield fan so i like. know who these characters are but as ive seen others say, alot of npmd does rely on knowing hatchetfield lore - understanding injokes. and in hindsight it just... isnt great for the cohesion of the plot.

tgwdlm and bf both have specific themes, specific lords in black, they have subplots but they have a solid throughline that is easier to follow. to me, npmd feels like its all over the place and it just feels kind of...mid for lack of a better word.

i think there were some moments that were just kind jarring? i guess? like if i loved you coming directly after ruths death was really strange, tonally. i wish they spent more time on ruths death tbh she deserved better. richie got two songs and an opening scene. anyways i digress- i feel like whenever i think about it im always like. i just wanted More. which is weird cuz its already like 2 hours long but idk. IDK!!! if i loved definitely felt unnecessary to me- like just conflict out of nowhere. i would have liked more build up to it. maybe im just salty that it took up stagetime that could have been used to grieve ruth but. sorry for the random if i loved you slander i think my point here is that some moments and some subplots felt more tropey, injokey or like fanservice??but not in a sexual way?? - is that the right word to use idk - than actual compelling plot moments. tgwdlm is an incredible work of theatre and uses subversions of tropes to communicate a great story, bf is a detailed criticism of american consumerism and how capitalistic societies force people to rely on products to make their lives better, npmd is. high school drama with ghosts. it just doesnt hit as hard on its own.

i dont want to be one of those "im a better writer, and THIS is how i would have done it!!!! im going to fix this!!!" people so im not going to do that but i think something i would have liked to see was focus on just one lord in black, probably nibbly because i feel like he fits the most and has the least preexisting story. i mean for gods sake, why does wiggly have the most speech time out of all the lords in black again!!! he already has an entire musical about him!!! greedy bitch- well i guess thats kind of his thing. i think i just want to see more of nibbly tbh, he has one nmt story and he only shows up at the very end. anyways that was kind of a side rant sorry gang. there isnt a problem with having a story featuring all the lords in black, but i think it just doesnt quite work in npmd for like structural reasons as well as plot cohesion.

i did enjoy npmd, im not pretending i didnt, but narratively it is the weakest hatchetfield musical and i just wanted to put my finger on what it is specifically. please dont take this as like hate or slander, i am a huge starkid fan, but i think it is important to consume media critically.

also i am not a professional i am a teenage drama and english lit student who likes media analysis and narrative design so just. take everything i say with a grain of salt :)

if you read all this, thankyou and if you disagree please lmk what you think(civilly.i do not want discourse in my notes)!! i could be hugely wrong about this and just need to think more about npmd and id love to see others' analyses!

[wcamino-confessions]

hi, seraphronos/v01d4l_n0x here (yes the real one /silly) probably this doesn't look the most professional considering I literally just retired but I've been frustrated about certain things that happened whilst I was on the team and I've never really had the change to vent it all out. and yes I know this isn't really relevant anymore but I just needed to rant a little little disclaimer: my time on the lt apart from this situation was great!! loved it on there and I loved working with everyone else frfr !! so this is not intended to slander them at all this is mostly about the helper anon here, so to clarify for anyone unaware: void-anons is not me. they are a blog made to purposely impersonate me, and no I don't know who they are. I have my suspicions, but I'd rather not risk falsely accusing someone considering that's literally what happened to me lol. also this is mostly about me and my experiences so I'm not speaking from the team as a whole here so to start: literally fuck you helper anon. not cool man 👎. you didn't have to make the blog look like mine and could have made it completely anonymous but no you really just had to drag me into it (which im assuming was because im not the most active in chats so it was easier to make it seem like it was mine cause there would be no one to back me and my actions up). also I'll forever be annoyed at the rui aesthetic. like that is literally my guy ☹️. I understand you had frustrations about how things were handled and yeah I get it, but you really did not have to drag me into it??? and then joke about me getting demoted afterwards and act proud of the fact you did???? again just really not cool boooo 🍅🍅🍅. I hope both sides of your pillow are warm tbh I really do not like you my second point: the chats after I returned. yes guys I did read up. I definitely get why the other helpers were frustrated as was I but I felt some of the comments were kinda personal about me?? like I saw the point about how I wasn't close with the other team members show up a few times and like?? that isn't really about the confession that's about me 👎. and just to add on yes I'm aware this was like 8-9 months ago now, and most people part of that discussion have now retired third (and probably final point): the team as a whole on the issue. First of all, it took 2 days of constant bumping and sending proof I don't own the account just to get back on the team. 2 days I was waiting to see if they'd actually believe me. if it was me I honestly would have admitted it, but the fact it isn't and that it's completely out of my control is the worst feeling. little note here but I did really appreciate the members of the lt who sent me pms apologising/asking if there's anything they could do, thank you guys, love u /p. but the fact still stands that they haven't been demoted, and I have pushed for any updates/information that I was allowed to know, but I just kept getting told that 'we're working on it'. I know it's a difficult situation but it really just came across to me like nothing was actually being done. extra few little notes here but the fact that the first confession mentioned how they were on a burner account then proceeded to make it look like it was mine?? why would i do that?? also why was I immediately demoted without being given the option to explain anything first. I feel the actions from the team were very rushed and whilst I do understand it was quite a unique situation, I feel like the steps taken weren't completely thought through. to add to this though I'm glad I did get an explanation in ufc not too long back. I appreciate the transparency /gen. last note from me but I'd like to add the reason that I have so much to say here was because I felt as if I was being shut down at certain points. naturally, this was brought up in casual helper chats more than once and so I'd rant a little, but I had to hold myself back in case of anything.

I did proofread this a little but it is long so pls ignore any mistakes 🙏

[hellbrainrot]

Buckle up this is a long post Im bored so I decided to make predictions on how I think Aemond s3 arc could play out based on Ewan’s interview’s  + Fire&Blood + the show. Ewan is very much a cinephile and as I was writing this analysis and reading his interviews I notice that a lot of the movies that he references have similar arcs to him . 

Since season 1 I feel like ewan gives certain hints about his arc and the direction they’re taking Aemond’s character . This is what he said back in December 2022 before he even got the season 2 scripts—  “That was one of the first things [showrunners] Ryan Condal and Miguel Sapochnik wanted to think about: the legend of The Cyclops in Greek mythology, and how he ultimately traded one of his eyes to Hades in order to see the day he would die,” Mitchell told The Face. “What does that do to a person, to possess that extreme degree of self-certainty? To know the day you’re going to go down, and feel bulletproof to a point. I’m not saying Aemond is a seer, but he’s scary perceptive.” Now after watching season 2 we know that  Aemond is aware  of his fate he knows how he’s going to die.  

From that same article he also says "that "A character like Aemond never really felt that unconditional love from his family". I remember a lot of people where confused because based on Season 1  it seemed like Alicent was the child who she most doted on but I feel like he was saying that more in reference to season 2 where now we see that Alicent's love is not unconditional and was only based on that fact that he was her “dutiful” son. 

Here is another quote from ewan that makes me think he knows more even though he hasn’t got the season 3 scripts  : “Before I embarked on season one, I did sit down with Ryan Condal and he gave me the story beats of Aemond’s complete journey, so to speak - maybe not the beats in-between, just to keep me on my toes, but certainly the key story beats.”

So here are some hints I think he has been giving out that might give us some insight on the direction where they’re taking his character in Season 3.

Now Aemond /Alys is a pairing that I think a lot of people are interested in seeing how it’s going to be portrayed. Here are some insights where I think the writers will go. 

Ewan references the “Heat (1995)” movie a lot and someone noticed that the main character arc in that movie mirrors Aemond where they both have a code where they can up and leave anyone in 30 seconds flat until they end up meeting someone who goes against that code .. here is the article that goes more in depth 

2. In Fire & Blood he unexpectedly returns to Harrenhal to save alys from being Sabitha Fray hostage

I do think they will include this scene in the show since they added in a scene of the Frey's explicitly telling Jace that they want harrenhal.

+ the infamous quote "It was Aemond alone who had become besotted with the Rivers woman, to such an extent that he could not bear the thought of leaving her"

3. I read a post on Twitter the said Alys’s will probably be a sort of weird mother-lover hybrid to Aemond and honestly … I can definitely see that 

I’m basing this on the brothel scene with the madam + ewan constantly bringing up surrogates —He felt despair, so he found a surrogate in Vhagar, so to speak an older lady, and kind of filled that void," he continued. "But is a dragon enough, or is there something else that could maybe help him? He needs help, he's a broken boy." https://www.businessinsider.com/house-of-the-dragon-aemond-nude-scene-ewan-mitchell-mommy-issues-2024-7?amp

+ him referring to alicent as his kyropnite  + the quote “In a way, he’s just a broken boy. He needs to be fixed. Someone’s going to help him” I wonder if this is a wink wink hint ? Either way I’m including it ..

I feel like all these insights is ewan hinting that alys will be his mommy domme ;)

Prediction : I think Aemond 100% is going to be down bad for alys and I do think she is going to end up having some sort of feelings as well. I think , like Daemon, Aemond will go through a somewhat similar experience at this time at Harrenhal .. I don’t think it will be 100% visions I’m with the theory that he is essentially going to work through his psyche with Alys I’m mainly basing this off of the brothel scenes though .. it seems like the show is trying to frame Aemond as someone who is CAPABLE of expressing his feelings he just needs a strict controlled environment to be able to do so .. and by this I mean a space where he can be nutured and cuddled like a baby? hopefully no redundant vision storyline 

Moving on …..

Ewan in another article mentioned that he saw a reporter with a “Rutger Hauer T shirt on from Blade Runner and might use it as inspiration going into season 3 https://www.polygon.com/24214846/house-dragon-ewan-mitchell-interview-season-2-finale (This is so specfic though I can't help but to think that he really didn't see anyone and was just giving a hint to the fans lol)

In Blade Runner there is a character named Roy Batty who’s known for his ruthlessness and is a cold driven leader with violent tendencies, sounds familiar ? Roy’s character theme is centered around humanity and morality —“Batty is prone to emotional outbursts due to his close-to-end lifespan. He is seen going through all phases of grief before reaching acceptance.” as Roy moves closer and closer to his inevitable end , he begins to experience a range of emotions from love and sorrow to anger and ultimately acceptance of his own morality .

In Roy’s this monologue he says "All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in the rain." Here, Roy is reflecting on his violent actions, realizing that everything he has experienced will ultimately fade away and be forgotten.

Prediction: I believe Aemond's story is likely to reach the same tragic conclusion, mirroring the end described in both the book and the show, where Helaena says, 'You were swallowed along the God's Eye, never to be seen again.'. This could shape his end, Aemond’s conviction in committing the 'necessary evil' of burning his brother resulted in all of his relationships with his family being fracturered. His warped view of duty and acting on his own personal ambitions lead to this. In the end, he will probably realize that all of it was meaningless and that he won’t be remembered as a 'war hero in the history books, but rather a cursed kinslayer.

In both of these movies both characters Neil from Heat (1995) and Ray from Blade Runner continue to resist or try to fight their fate up until the very end — I feel like this is much in line with how Aemond will be framed in the show , we have Daemon who based on season 2 has somewhat accepted  his fate i think it makes sense that Aemond throughout season 3 will try to resist it until eventually he comes to terms with it … in a bittersweet kind of way 

Finally to wrap this up here’s what I am expecting (hoping to see) from aemonds character arc 

Him completely disregarding duty  

Him being more emotional and erratic 

Him coming to terms with his misdeeds

Him burning shit 

[malzykins]

GIVES US THE VOID HAND FREAKS LORE!!! (You dont have to if you dont want to)

OH BOY. well with a nice little request like that how can i say no 😇 

HUGE preface that this is very AU-heavy because. like I got no beef with the actual canon but I just want to play around with my favourite characters like little dollies if that is okay. :]

To even get to the freaks though we do have to start at the beginning of this for it all to make even a lick of sense and to me anyway it feels like a lot.. warning not one centimeter of this is without some form of mental degradation and shameless self-indulgence (<- failing to cope with the lasting effects of cringe culture)

absolutely MASSIVE text post belo im dead serious:

Nothing much really differs from the origin of the Operator/Drifter themselves, all the Zariman shit still happens etc. Operator was kind of a bastard child (shes 12 most of them are, but i digress LOL), very much the kinda person to stick their nose in everyone’s business and try to “fix” all their problems if she thought something could be gained from it (sound familiar?), be it a compensation from the people themselves or from her seniors getting basically surface-level information about it all and being like aww what a good kid!! and gassing her up with all this praise. Most other kids definitely knew what she was doing, or at least didnt like her or the vibe she put off, but it didnt really stop her cause that’s not whose opinion she necessarily cared about the most.

When the Zariman incident happened, her ENTIRE support group became her enemy and she was left with nothing. She got her just desserts alright and it broke her, like really broke her, like watching a spoiled brat finally get what’s coming to em and she genuinely did like a total heel-turn in terms of personality temperament etc. She became a lottt more prone to acting childish and favoured emotional outbursts over rational thinking, since she didnt have her people that she looked up to anymore, she didnt have her Glue so to speak. She went from main character syndrome to acting how a 12 year old would probably realistically act in a fr life-or-death scenario overnight

Being a child in a traumatizing situation she latched onto really anything she could get. any distraction. desperately wanting something or someone to trust. so when that damnable doppelganger shows its face, behaving exactly how she used to behave towards other kids (not that she had the self-awareness to deduce that at the time), she instantly ate from the hand that feeds. And there was that :)

Nothing strays from canon between this point and the First Dream. Shes still very much a petulant crybaby and kind of sucks at being a Tenno but thats neither here nor there,, in the Dream, though, is when things start to REALLY deviate.

During the years of war and strife and child-soldier-ism with everyone else, she had a lot of time to think. Shes well aware that all this void power shit wasnt possible before their time on the Zariman, and as far as she was aware she was pretty certain that didnt change the moment they boarded. Over time she fights the memory suppression of her traumas to dig up answers and narrows it right down to that moment she shook hands with herself, something clearly odd and nonsensical, now viewing it with a bit more clarity of mind and basically coming to the epiphany of Oh You Motherfucker. theres no way it was not you. theres no way ALL OF THIS (the existence of the tenno and by extension their eventual drafting into the war, and all of the bullshit that follows that) was not because of you. And when they get told that theyre all going to be put into a cryosleep, because theyre more trouble than theyre worth, really, to just to give everyone around them more peace of mind well. shes quite upset about it. She and other kids definitely try to fight their way out of it (they dont make it far) and rest assured theres no shortness of bawling and sobbing, but deep in there there is anger. She starts to get real pissed off about this whole ordeal and honestly just fucking everything that has lead to it, that piece of her old self that had the capacity for rage and ambition bubbling through the surface.

When she was placed into the First Dream, that quickly manifested well outside of her control. She herself was entirely lacking in conscience, but that essence of herself that existed just beyond her own grasp, that metaphorical spirit that whatever youd want to call it, began to fester in some crevice deep in the Void, not having truly left the place after the events of the Zariman unfolded. It festered and festered and grew until every horrible negative emotion that she Could Not experience in her current state snapped free and went on a violent witch hunt for exactly who the hell made her this way and WHEN she found It, that manifestation didnt relent in the slightest as it quite literally beat the absolute ever-loving dogshit out of the Indifference and (taking some of the various Murmur codex entries very literally) lashed its very flesh apart like a goddamn. kindergarten art project.

Once all of her anger was spent and she realized that didnt actually fix any of her problems, and the bastard was busy reeling for a while because, what in the fuck was all that about, she was left just a lonely, sad empty husk. And because of the Void’s receptivity with negative emotion, it did something with that, taking those lacerated fragments and turning them into something greater, turning them into companions to fill that lonely gap, into the Murmur. they are very No Thoughts creatures and dont understand what existence really is, and like most freshly borned creatures they imprint on the first thing they see (the Indifference) though they know at least the smell of who ultimately made them and are constantly chasing that trail to find the source (hence their appearance in reality in the albrecht labs because we dont really Know in canon what theyre looking for in there exactly (afaik) so I’m justttt rewriting that. for me 😇)

Once they inevitably have their cool reunion or whatever (which takes place a lot sooner than the normal story progression, I just am not sure on where to put a pin) Operator latches onto them just as much as they latch onto her, their Maker, and she ends up neglecting a lot of her responsibilities to just run and play with the little freaks all day ^-^ which really pisses off the Drifter. and makes HER take up the Operator’s mantle, a good chunk of the normal questline being done by her instead.

NOW. for what you ACTUALLY asked for. Im so sorry 😭

THESE three bastards: Prodah, Nahkip, Vedah, in that order. In this little AU thing, Murmur fragments have this little bit of individuality to them in the form of those lighter blue stripes or “veins”, which are more like indentations in their skin that faintly glow with their Void energy. The more a fragment has or the more unique they are, the more respected the individual is in a sort of innate social hierarchy system. If a fragment is born with no veins whatsoever, if they are unmarred and “perfect” so to speak, they are essentially bullied and outcasted to some unloved corner of the Great Indifference to wallow alone, and for a faction all about unity and working together that isnt very nice. :)

Vedah and Nahkip are the two I probably have the least juice for. Not that I dont like them (far from it) I just have yet to reeeeally get to them ;; I at LEAST have personalities and such down

Vedah is like a curious naive little dog. It’s very erratic and jumpy and is more often a follower than a leader. It loves games but gets bored easily, and loves trying to make friends. It definitely makes the most racket out of the three, big chatterbox this one (I love the sounds the fragments make... they are such screechy little creatures it's soooo cute)

Nahkip is probably the most “normal” out of them. It doesn’t vocalize often and carries itself in a bit of a high regard (not necessarily in a conceited way, moreso it is aware that it is of a somewhat higher caliber than most and incidentally behaves as such). It’ll politely listen to others and offer input when it’s spoken to, but once all is said and done, it returns to pretending you don’t exist, going about its own business.

Prodah, the last fellow, is (was?) one of those unfortunate veinless souls. It often found itself a victim of many fights, and it quickly learned that trying to defend itself only made matters substantially worse. In one particularly nasty scenario, its ring and pinky finger were completely snapped off by an attacker and ground to dust. It tried to fight its way out of exile often, but eventually succumbed to the hand it’d been dealt, fleeing to some unaccompanied outcropping overlooking the Void.

Vedah found it, eventually, having sniffed it out and tracked it from where it hid buried in the sand for god knows. Prodah of course, very angry and scared and traumatized all at once, didnt take too kindly to the ordeal, but Vedah’s “people skills” and a rare instance of patience helped bring the guy just enough out of its shell to at least stop regressing into fight-or-flight everytime it (Vedah) moved :] Still VERY skittery and non-trusting. just a bit more… tolerable.

Vedah and Nahkip are friends. or. at least Vedah sees it that way. Nahkip tolerates it but could really give or take. Vedah always wants to show around its new friends to its current friends, and Prodah is not an exception even if it really should be (hence the naivety; you can’t “look guys it’s cool dont be mean okay :D” your way out of everything girl)

LUCKILY Nahkip seems to not gaf. At least not in a bad way. No it actually definitely gaf because it’s been ages since it’s last seen a veinless fragment still kicking around (esp since there is essentially no reproduction of these creatures, whatever exists is all that will ever be (unless MITW feels like getting flayed again. for some reason) so once you’re killed or whatever it’s gg) and is very surprised that one is still alive, figured over time it should have just gone feral and torn itself apart from insanity or decomposed on its own, but it didn’t. and Nahkip is a bit of a studious fellow. so it is very interested in this creature.

There isn’t too much coherent lore after this.. lots of bits and bobs and meat and potatoes but not the most fleshed-out explanation for it all? At some point the three become close enough with one another (maybe more spiritually than anything, cause it likely isn’t so apparent from an outside perspective) that they form a Severed Warden like some sort of Digimon evolution or whatever 😇 There is some large gap of time where the Operator does not see them, the entire Prodah arc happening under her nose so when she next greets them they are together as the Warden and shes so proud of em ;; she doesnt really understand how it happened/works but she knows Vedah and Nahkip are in there and they do their best to introduce Prodah to her. After some coaxing it uncurls itself to meet her and she's absolutely appalled to see a friend in such a sorry state (being a Warden didn’t heal old scars), and figured that wasn’t any way for someone to live. so she removes her gloves and gently holds its hand in her own Void-corrupted ones (that I’m sure most Operators have anyway; shes extremely self-conscious about people seeing them but the Murmur are similar to her, in a way, so with them she relents) to offer that connection and comfort with it. In the same motion, some transfer of power takes place and after a brief moment, Prodah finds itself whole again with two new fingers to replace its lost ones, brimming with the light of Void energy. IN TURN, though, not such is without consequence, the Operator now missing those exact same digits that Prodah initially lacked. She quite literally gave it her own (which is why its lighter-colored fingers in the image do not have the standard issue Murmur claws. also this throws the Indifference for a loop because ??? bastard child I gave you that for YOU. not for you to just give handouts to thralls 😐). This is a complete heel turn for Prodah because while it was initially a perfect, veinless creature and demonized to all hell and back.. to receive marks from the Maker itself??? WILDLY different story. Okay we respect you now. like a lot. like A LOT a lot.

I absolutely had plans to include The Fragmented One in my little repertoire of creatures as well :3c For this I’m going to pull directly from my brief lore document instead of just reiterating what is perfectly fine to copy-paste instead, if no one minds:

“To make an example for the Operator, the Drifter assists Loid in secret in purging the Laboratories of Murmur presence, but ends up slaying the Warden of Vedah, Nahkip, and Prodah in the process. The Operator’s heartrending grief at their passing draws uneasiness from the Indifference itself, and her dormant, volatile energy involuntarily wrenches forth their fragments from the afterlife, as if they had never perished at all (this is unknown to her; her döppelganger is the one to impart this information, yet not knowledge of their whereabouts). She dedicates restless hours to searching for them, neglecting her own health, too nerve-wracked to properly eat or sleep. It is after a week’s passing that the Operator discovers an odd formation within The Great Indifference and, upon touching its surface, the structure breathes in new life, lost fragments rising from beneath the sand to create the One. Upon spotting Vedah, Nahkip, and Prodah atop the bow of the amalgamation, she becomes overjoyed at their revivification, triggering a transference of power between them; the Operator’s Void energy unknowingly begins to bleed over into the One, a deadly power donation creating an impossibly cataclysmic entity with capabilities yet to be measured. In anointment, the Operator honorably dubs the creature Fronrein—’tandem roar’—and it is forever at her beck and call.”

this Fragmented One is no stronger than the one you face normally. I just wanted to squeeze in something for my lore that could possibly explain why that fucker is SO god damn brutal in Steel Path.

Lastly (thank Christ right), something I haven’t yet fully fleshed out is that I want to pull the consciousness of the main fragments into the Operator’s warframes. Likely happened at some point during Fronrein’s birth. it’d be neat for these friends to exist in two places at once :) seems totally feasible to me given how freaky the Void gets. Vedah inhabits her Wisp, Nahkip her Protea, and Prodah her Harrow. None of this is planned, it just sort of Happens. the fourth arm of the One also gets dragged into this (dont have much for it. similar mannerisms to Nahkip I know at least), being placed into the Drifter’s Chroma, and she is NOT happy about it. very peeved actually. She hates these fucking things and to now have them basically be sentient frames walking and (telepathically) talking around the ship MUST be some sort of cruel divine punishment. She mellows out though, after some grueling amount of time, becoming a bit more platonic with her Chroma after slowly letting her own defenses down and just bonding and talking with the guy (now that these Murmurs can actually do that), but still is a bit standoffish with the Operator’s frames.

Operator thinks it’s cool as all hell. She’s brainstorming what all frames she could possibly get next and then try to shove Murmurs into those ones too. MUCH to the Drifter’s chagrin. god help them.

ANYWAY. I dont want to beta read this again I just hope it makes sense. Above all I hope it satisfies your ask ;; this is nearing 3,000 on the word count and actually took multiple days to write LOL /// thank you for giving me the opportunity to spill about these guys :’]

[kafus]

random infodump about the various pokemon related shit i do online and beyond (this is about fandom/community stuff and not my actual in-game accomplishments):

i'm a moderator for the ribbon master discord, which is a community dedicated to getting as many ribbons as possible on individual pokemon (i have many ribbon masters myself!) technically i'm also a mod on the community reddit but uh i just let the other mods handle the reddit lol. i've been in the rm community for 4 years now

not me specifically but ayano who i share a brain with runs the pokemon fansite blue moon falls which has a lot of comprehensive articles and custom coded tools pertaining to RBY/GSC and the rest of gens 1 and 2 (she's the reason that the internet has all those nice gifs of stadium 2's idle animations now btw)

in speaking of ayano, she's also a full odds shiny hunter and is a decently well known name in that community due to her resources and general friendliness lmao

i'm not as active /w it atm because my art focus has been more on human characters but for the majority of my life i was what people would call a "pokefurry" and i have a metric fuckton of pokemon artwork under my belt

on that note i've written pokemon fanfiction on occasion too though nothing major

i'm a casual VGC competitor - i ladder in-game relatively often, keep up to date with the meta, and i attended my first regionals this year and met up with a lot of pokemon folk in the process! i hope to attend more events in the future

i'm planning on getting involved with a local pokemon convention near me to distribute mystery gifts for old pokemon games the same way a toys r us would in the early-mid 2000s

i have been a part of and donated money to a few indie pokemon sites and projects, including pokemmo, gpx plus, and pokemon eclipse (previously known as pokemon the moon rpg when i was a kid and played it for the first time!). in speaking of eclipse even though i don't play it anymore i'm the reason that a 3d model for shadowobliveon exists lol

i know a tiny bit about romhacking and made a romhack of firered that lets me play the entire game as kafu once, with kaf as my rival. i also have a bunch of personal lost media of "story" videos i made as a young child by stitching together recordings of fake cutscenes i romhacked into pokemon ruby

i made all these really shitty pokemon fangames when i was around 10 years old and i'm kind of obsessed with them

apparently i'm a pokemon horizons fan now and people keep acting like im the second coming of christ in terms of likodot on twitter so maybe that means something (LIGHTHEARTED I AM JUST SHOCKED BY THE POSITIVE ATTENTION)

i own more pokemon plushies than what's healthy and i wish i could show them here but a lot of them are in a storage bag rn

my pokemon game collection is also fucking ridiculous but i'm too lazy to put all that together for a photo. for what it's worth i own at least one copy of every single mainline pokemon game before the 3ds era including all alternate versions (diamond pearl AND platinum instead of just one for example) and almost all spinoffs aside from like, 3 of them

i'm probably forgetting shit tbh the 2010s are like a blackout void to me sorry

i've been a pokemon fan since 2004 though when i was 4 years old i am in hell

[qwuilty]

Honestly like. I dont mind tumblr fans and some people in other places but oh good fucking god some of the stuff in the broader fanbase makes my head spin. Yall can not be fucking serious at this point you gotta be yanking my pant leg here or something.

another day another watching somebody calling p1 dude evil

[the-whispers-of-death]

thinking about the non-human ocs stumbling their way onto earth and meeting your ocs... (what a coincidence, i know)

most importantly thinking about Elly (it/its), the most human looking of the bunch. only things setting it apart are... the fact it has no visible face (covered by black... goop?), has 3 eyes, and has antennae that look like those from old TVs and tail with an electricity plug at the end. oh. and like. 4 arms. and is fully intended to be a "glitch in reality" sorta thing.

idk i think its really funny to think about this creature that looks like straight out of a nightmare, just sorta bumble around and and like an everyday teen. cuz. thats what elly is, in essence. its just chilling. being both a computer bug and looking like an actual bug (6 limbs = bug. like. like that centaur post states)

imagine just the crew going about their day and. *splat.sfx* and. oh whatthefuck. HUH. okay sure the.. 4 arms and tail/antennae could be explained, surely. just a weird... hybrid mutt situation. but the face. how does it speak. (it doesnt. you just have a gut feeling you Know what its saying). imagining like a faint static/buzzing going on (maybe humans cant even hear it) every time Elly "talks" so by the end of the day everyone has an inexplicable headache.

i feel like all of my ocs who are non-human embody body horror and surrealism if you look too deeply at them. like. i already described Elly but then theres still just.

oh thats void, nice! a goat hybrid!!! not too bad. just. dont ask what happened to their neck. their mouth. their nose. their body. do not ask why every time you see them you Know youre being watched (you are) and dont ask why they can talk while mouthless and neckless. and do not ask why they avoid the divine and holy.

aye that my good buddy vast! a... centaur. yeah... with.. one eye. thats. also a mouth. and... sometimes theres.. an eye *above* him.. uhm. what. are those.. *screws*...? metal-- okay yeah. dont.. look too deeply into it. or why you.. suddenly cant quite remember something.. oh well. its.. probably.... nothing. yeah :)

their parents are lowkey just. kinda normal and dont have much going on for them, except the crushing truth of knowing they unknowingly allowed one of their kids to. die. but. yeah dont worry about it too much. void is fiiiine :)

((a bit funny how theres 2 ocs named void here. but the name has been around since 4 years ago and im.. not.. changing i))

~ rusty

Kali: Stone, Stone call Orinothicor.

(Orinothicor's going to regret giving Stone the coin to summon him.)

Stone: I don't think Orinothicor can help us here.

Python: Am I high? (You've never done drugs, Python.)

Sarabi: No one make any sudden moves.

Nala: What do we do?

Simba: Maybe if we befriend them, it'll be okay.

Ladder: Yeah I go with befriending them!

Fariz: Perhaps it would work.

Cerberus: I'm very scared, Sarabi hold me. (Bestie, what.)

Hellstorm: I wish I wasn't sober for this. (You're not a drinker, Hellstorm.)

[thevampiresoc]

ramble. under read more. also fixed pacing.

starting off with the ogs diego/gumball and doug those two. god. depressed jester to silly neighborhood old man pipeline. in canon he works at a library now where he sometimes puts on puppet shows. doug is no longer pathetic scared man he teaches geology for fun and as clean-up crew for crime scenes for normal. old probably 58? now? men living with peace and letting their past not get to them. and then matthew and sasha. god . their beef went from like "that purple doesnt match your pants" & "your hairs a mess" to geniune death threats and "YOU WERE MARRIED TO A DRUG SMUGGLER WHO'S SKIN WAS WHITER THAN SNOW" & "I'M NOT LISTENING TO A MAN UNDER 5'5" WHO CAN'T COUNT HIGHER THAN 8 IN ENGLISH WITHOUT USING HIS FINGERS". potato knows whos who. matthew 'ohh good lord what the fuck' to 'i'm PROBABLY traumitized but my boss wants me to go clean the Scary Hallway so I can't think about that right now' domino effect. is it affect? idfc. im in here saying bullshit. speaking of bullshit sasha went from "... please try and get better" to "*grabs you by your eye sockets* You Are Going To Stop Eating Twice A Day. Full Meals Are Not Just Seven Ritz Crackers™️©️ And Sour Cream."

and its great.

she still does taxidermy and murder. taxidermy's her side-job since she works as a welder now. shes in there with blowtorches welding shit. your car needs repairs? shes got it boss. oh yeah matthew working as a knight in rp-1 is funny if you consider how his main job went from freddy fazbears janitor to comfortably retired lighthouse keeper. OHHHHH CHARLES I ALMOST FORGOT CHARLES he died in canon. not really. you ever get zombied. yeah jhe got zombied. i should start breaking this up but i cant

snapshot at the start of the rp was just. fucked up guy with a dead wife and platoon with a pet mouse droid. he went into a coma so he didnt participate in order 66 and misses his wife. alot. but NOW? NOW???

okay so imagine walking out of a hospital room, disorented as shit and you go to find your wife jedi and fellow clones and when you DO find them shes just cut one in half with her light saber. Turning to you with fear, she almost chops your head off but you stumbling back and showing that your unarmed gets her to stop. "It was self defense," the jedi pleads for you to understand as your blood flows into your mouth, preventing you from screaming but you want to scream, need to scream.

You both are uneasy and fearful, trying to calm down. Order 66, something you just thought of as a far off nightmare to enact, had happened a mere few minutes ago.

years later, probably a decade, the tragedity now only becoming stale on your mind- a healing wound to your already mangled brain- you had been cut off from the "empire", hiding on fucking HOTH of all planets. You managed, sure, but it was still hoth… "Your" Jedi, surviving by faking her own death with you saying you had killed her, picking you up randomly only to tell you that your being relocated to a terrestrial planet. So called 'Retirement' in some barely populated town, living on a farm. Great.

nottt much really changed except for TMCs status. just that they upgraded from living in a shitty one room apartment to a still shitty apartment where the bedroom, living room, dining room and bathroom were seperate rooms. also parents. good for it.

neeed to traumitize that war machine

anyways my ocs going from eueueueuuuu to Can You Shut Up im going to Kill You With My Bare Hands is funny

conffession sometimes i watered downn my oc when using them. im shouting into the void but do you guys think you could handle he/him sasha. i feel like if i ever rp again with any of you itd be hell because ive just done so much stupid ass writing with my little sillies. like andreas' kingdom got slightly more fucked but id keep it silly for yall

[inkyvendingmachine]

Im the classpect anon! Yes absolutely ramble on about CoC classpects (joey just reeks of Page of Hope to me)

Yesss YEEESSS OKAY SO

I can see where you're coming from with Page of Hope, but for Joey I think ultimately he'd be a Witch of Void. So much of his actual motivations and desires just resolve around creation; creation of stories and characters, creation animations and films, creation of a good life for him to live with his friends. And his lack of believing in limits is what really captures Void over Space I believe.

Henry would be a Knight of Blood. For his family, for his friends, he will stop at no ends to protect them, even using himself as the sacrifice if need be. (and in the case of actual heckin game, literally uses his blood as a weapon.) His bonds make him stronger, and he uses every ounce of that strength to give back to those same people who gave him power in the first place, a perfect loop.

For Jack, Sylph of Life. Jack has really taken up the position of Ultimate Healer in the group, in healing itself, but also in like... emotional healing, and helping people who really never thought they could live normal lives do such a thing. He's made food, comfort, a home, and doesn't stop making these things in abundance for those around him.

I gave Sammy and Prophet two different classes, but they share an aspect: Sammy is the Mage of Doom, and Prophet is the Seer of Doom. Not only is both of these being in the 'prophet' classes funny, but I think works very well based on their actions. So much of what Sammy does is based on survival instincts, but he's also one to actually accept losses when they happen and learn from them. More than others around him, he accepts that he might not actually be good at most things, and focuses better on what he can be good at, basically using his own doom as a power source to grow stronger. Meanwhile, Prophet is very obsessed with the doom of others in sacrifice for himself, deciding that he will not fail where others surely will. And he literally gets visions of doom that he uses to help prevent it so. Yeah.

Susie is a Maid of Breath; unable to be held down or back. She does what she wishes and goes where she pleases, and her strength comes from doing just that, being her own person and building upon everything she's worked for up until this point.

Peter is a Rogue of Light; You might think Mind would be more fitting for Peter, but he's more about the truth and the information itself, and the thinking things through comes as an effect of that. He's also very much an unstoppable force when it comes to gathering those truths, immediately turning to using his ghost powers to continue his work once he got them. And of course, he uses those to benefit those around him, whether it's the general public or just his friends.

I feel like Bendy the Lurker would fit in better as a like, sprite, but for funsies, treats him like a cherub and gives him Lord of Space. Not much thought has been put into this beyond being able to transform himself, since again, I think he'd work better as a sprite like companion, but y'know. Love this lil guy.

I could probably nitpick out more of the smaller characters, but we haven't spent as much time with them as these. (Well, we've spent a lot of time with Norman but half the time we do he's hiding or unable to speak so) Maybe after session 4 I will have more thoughts, but for now, here are the main characters.

( I tend to use this classpect analysis as a lot of the base of my thonks bc I really love how it's worked out.)

[tussie-mussie-trouble]

Now that I've had a few days to recover from what i just did to myself i can proudly announce- on a new blog because I don't want my main blogs being associated with this project because one of my lives greatest achievements really probably dosen't belong my incoherent screamings into the void.

On that note. I beat this freaking nanowrimo thing in like six days. no I did not mean to. a friend was coming to visit by the seventh and i PANICED on the last three days. I was already overdoing it, but the last three days were a freaking doozy.

Image description: a terrible little graph showing a brief upwards slide, then a little cha cha slide to the right as it evens out briefly, which depicted my first 4 days of nanowrimo, followed violently by an uppercutting-punch to the face line that has a little pop up window under it saying i reached 50,018 words by november the sixth.

So heres a fun little question and answers session made up of the questions I thought were most suited to this acheivement.

are you okay? my hand briefly went numb. Somehow I was under the impression a fifteen minute walk was all I needed to do to fix that- it wasen't. i kept writing anyways. I think i've mostly recovered now- but to answer your question I am undefeatable and also i slept for ten hours afterwards so I think I'm basically done recovering

what is the plot A victorian professor lady, a ghost with emotional issues, and a college age whole entire freaking lady who just got adopted against her will by this professor try to solve the mystery of why the ghost guy cant move on and how he died

what was the most hours you wrote during this

12

4. did you take a brea-

no. no i did not take a break.

and while obviously i'm not the fastest person to have ever beaten this challenge i'm feeling pretty good right now. : ) i've always wanted to be able to write novels really fast and that's been the biggest thing standing between me and writing *more* novels. you know?

and yes the specific 'part' of the victorian era I chose is in fact, none of them. that was intentional. theres a lot of great things in the victorian era and this isint even a one to one copy of it. theres no specific town this takes place in, theres no specific time period this takes place in. just vaugely 'victorian era' so I could shove all the ten thousand things i've researched into one little area. its probably not even really earth. so like, good disclaimer to put there. don't go into this expecting great historical accuracy. though most is based on some sort of thing i learned about this fabulous era of history (yes im aware of the horrors too, It's not as if I want to live in lead face paint land and eat little arsenic wafers for my complexion or something- I don't need to be reminded that humanity did not briefly free itself from all the evils of this world so that humanity could drink tea and say things like 'tussie-mussie' and wear hat pins- I just think the victorian era is neat)

so yes I'm very proud of myself rn and hope to blog about my blorbos here to keep myself wanting to edit this thing.

speaking of which. This thing i've done to myself is called Tussie-Mussie.

[sparksnevadas]

I have finished reading the latest GIHASM chapter and I am here to let it be known that I am once again wailing sobbing crying about mumscarian.

I feel like it can’t be said enough but the way you write them together… they’re just so soft. The little domestic scene of Scar and Grian cooking together. The implicit trust between Mumbo and Scar as they talk about how they are doing in the wake of everything. Grian trusting Mumbo to be there while he and Pearl preen and Mumbo getting the courage to speak about his experiences with the HA inspired by Grian. I could probably write a whole novel about how much I love the tender affection between them and how absolutely romantic your depiction of them is <3

(Side note: the way you write cooking has really reminded me that I do indeed love to do that)

The dancing scene needs a special shout-out, okay? I had to keep pausing to hide my face because it was just so good. I love your redscape dynamic so much, I think about them often.

The bit about Bdubs’ driving was great too! You got so much of his chapter into such a short bit.

And the parts about Grian’s complex emotions about the HA </3 they were so realistic and I loved getting to see that (especially with the added context of that post about why you named the chapter as you did).

I know you’ve said you are starting to wrap up GIHASM and while I am obviously excited to see what you come up with next, I am definitely going to miss this AU a lot. Every time I get that AO3 update email it puts a smile on my face and I drop whatever I’m doing to go and read it immediately. I love GIHASM so much and if anyone who is still reading at this point hasn’t read it yet I highly, highly recommend you go and check it out!

void!!! my friend <3 i had not noticed you sent this, i am genuinely sorry!

i love little domestic scenes, even if these idiots wont admit they're in love, they will cook for each other, sacrifice for each other, let each other sleep in and distract each other when its needed.

this is a very minor thing but i feel like in popular media and fic, once a character finds out they like someone, its very fast: attempted confessions, miscommunictions (my dearly detested), etc. etc. my thing is like... i wanted to explore what it would be like to fall in love with your friend over a year and not notice. and what'd be like to figure out you kinda see your nemesis as a friend (and maybe more, as you get to learn more and more about him). and even when you do find out, are you really that quick to turn around and risk something you value so much? maybe, maybe. Im trying really hard to find a balance between the two ends i suppose. its very slow going, but im glad everyone seems to be enjoying the ride? But anyways ya, ya, they are in love, but more importantly, they are best friends :)

(I LOVE COOKING!!!! the recipe for the spanish omelet is a mix between official recipes (putting it in the oven) and my own (adding bell pepper occasionally. it adds flavor and color))

its really funny to me that when i started drafting this fic, my head was so full of redscape stuff. and then i kinda realized i needed to focus on grian, so then i went full scarian mode for a bit. grumbo is the ship i feel like in a way i've had to put on the back burner for most of the fic bc mumbo wasn't "there" for the first half. anyways i love redscape. it consists of one Anxious but sweet man and his Confident but too sweet man wholoves him very loudly (but maybe not loudly enough?). and theyre best friends :) and they were roommates!

<3 <3 <3 i think i havent made it super clear in the fic up until this point that everyone and everything is morally gray, including the like. ig antagonist? of the fic. The HA has good people in it, and it has people who are not so good. everyone has different opinions on what should happen to it, and they are all valid in their own ways. given that a lot of readers were rallying against the HA, i was like :3c time to reveal why grian likes bleaching his wings and why he loves the HA and will always feel mixed emotions about it.

(can you tell i like writing about complicated relationships? lmao)

i have about 2 more story beats to finish off on..... i have also been saying i have two more beats for about 2-3 months. I say "soon", i have no idea how much longer this fic will take to write. for example, i thought of the stuff for this chapter within the last three weeks. so it was a last minute beat add. soooooo idk. "soon" but like. im gonna take any excuse to write more domestic scenes lmao. a meandering "soon"

anyways!!!! hi void my friend!!! thank you so much for this long ask i love long comments so much i love seeing what everyone picks up on and what parts are fun to read!!! genuinely the interview part was nervewracking for me to write bc i was like... i hope i dont sound preachy but journalism is important to me, and morality is important. anyways, i wont ramble any longer, but i lov u!!!

[deaddovestellnotales]

Hello!

I'm glad we met one day and I pressed the follow button when I opened your blog. We don't talk anymore but I still remember you!

I'm at a mandatory break from whumpblogging yet sometimes I open tumblr to talk to someone - talking to people is one of those rare little things that make my heart smile. You write about your life a lot - sometimes it sounds a lot like mine - and there's a lot of random fantasy stuff reblogs as well. I'm not into anything magical or fantasy or superpowers aside from being desired and having friends yet I enjoy seeing your fantasy reblogs on my feed. No whump community stuff, no familiar faces, only your random posts - sometimes it helps me a lot.

Don't get me wrong tho, I love whump community and all of their stuff is great! The thing is, as I'm on a break I often feel guilty as hell for not doing the whump every time I stumble upon anything whumpy on this hellsite. It's the "why am I not writing/drawing/working on whump every waking minute of my free time?" guilt I can't get over from. And it's your blog that gives me such a nice refreshing break from it.

Sincerely, thank you.

Oh man, that is actually really sweet? I'm glad that my stupid blog is doing something for you, I honestly thought it was just mostly deterring people and making them annoyed and tired of me because of all the trauma and vent stuff I post. Though I don't feel guilty for doing it and I don't regret any of the posts that I haven't actively deleted.

I am very sorry though that you can relate to a lot of things I write about because then you are probably also going through a rough time and that sucks. If you ever want to talk again, please hit me up, and don't be shy. Though, I understand if you'd rather not.

My IMs are always open to anyone though (except my abusers of course, but I sincerely hope they don't dare message me ever again.)

About the fear of not doing whump everyday -- I get that a lot. I have the same feeling about roleplaying and / or writing. It always feels like you are missing out and everyone is moving on without you if you don't engage with your passion anymore.

Are there other things you enjoy that you could maybe spend time on instead to fill the "void" so to speak? Though I am not one to talk, I can't do that either. I just feel guilty and try my best to ignore it. :sweat:

But yeah... I hope you feel better soon, and if you want to be friends or if you feel like our friendship needs to be rekindled (since you mentioned we talked in the past?) I'm always here for you to reach out to (as best as I can with my working hours).

[awriterandabird]

not mentally ill enough to be fun for internet users to poke at, too mentally ill to be brushed off as "quirky", but just mentally ill enough to catch myself in yet another unending spiral of shame and agony!

wooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

(dont press read more unless you read those tags. im warning you.)

for the love of GOD please help? stop?

earlier someone asked how they could help i told them to give me space i don't want to explode i feel like i need the opposite of space but also if anyone comes close to me i want to golf them into the sun don't talk to me. don't perceive me please talk to me. don't leave me

i wish i could channel this into something productive (not that i think anyone would want to see that. there's better artists and better art. whats one more little fag on the internet making stories about depression and derealization and autism and burnout. i don't have anything new to add.)

today i went outside and i had trouble staying in my own head

for a while i was a father struggling to keep doing his job because 'reality' around me kept feeling weird and wrong and i remember punching a hole in the wall and i heard birdsong but the birdsong was real and i was back on earth (in my body) and the vignette around my vision was tangible. a fly landed on my arm and it made me yell. i was real suddenly- the veil was gone. i walked around and i looked at some things. i saw a weed growing in the cracks of the asphalt and i saw grass growing through a circle of rocks. at the fairy tree i found a perfectly round rock and wondered what was inside. i was back in the crystal shop- the one across the water- where the ferry took us i remember the perfect little geodes they sold i was back home i remember readying that hammer only to completely fuck up the swing and ended up pulverizing most of it. but i looked and the pieces were right there at the fairy tree. i thought about art and how i would portray things if i and i was that father again and i was struggling to explain i couldn't speak at all really even in the arms of my wife i fought myself and another voice (myself) and i told myself im not real and i told myself why do i feel like im stealing something from someone else and why do i feel like my life is over but it never started and i was in the backyard looking for my cat when the gate slammed. it slammed in the wind. im real again. the sun is still out. the neighbors just came back home- i saw their car pull in. im ashamed to keep wasting time outside, so i walk back in my house

i might have gotten the order of events wrong

does it matter

does writing it down even matter

im giving the void (at first i typed "voice") a recollection of something that doest matter

recorded here for all of time, wasting space on a server, rotting, festering.

who is this for is this for myself?

wouldnt it be easier if i just told the people in my real life what was going on,

no you know what shut the fuck up.

go get a job dumbass.

..yeah i feel like a right waste of space.

"look. walk-ins accepted. you can apply here too when you apply at [x] tomorrow" "tomorrow?" "what else do you have going on in your life?" we walked down the rest of the aisle in silence. i didn't have a reply.

"whats the difference between a psychologist and a psychiatrist?" "one can prescribe you drugs i think" "oh" we drove for 10 minutes in silence. i thought about my next question so carefully. i must have gone through dozens of iterations in that 5 minutes. i was the only one talking. during those 8 minutes i don't remember what the radio played. "which one of those two... tells you about if you have things in your head?" "what do you mean things in your head?" "like-" "like schizophrenia?" "yeah" "a psychiatrist i think. no? a psychologist. i forget" "yeah that's okay you don't know the answer, i probably should have researched myself, its kind of a lot of me to have expected you to have all the answers." "okay"

tomorrow i wake up. i have two options

>disappoint everyone (default option, no action required) >shut up, man up, get out of my room, become presentable, act Normal, interview at two different places, land a job, support the house, be a perfect functioning person

do i have an option

can i at least be a better person than writing a pathetic little vent longer than the colors of the sky. that no one cares about. that i wont care about in. fucking. whenever i can regulate my emotions again

wait will that even happen (someone made me go to type "(never)")

dear god. dear fucking lord. ive only been typing for. not long. it can't have been that long- less than half an hour- rollover just ended- but why the fuck did that person message me 6 times while im on DnD

aaaaaaaaaUGH i WANT TO GO. TO. BED.

WHY DO PEOPLE KEEP TRYING TO TALK TO ME

BUT THEY NEVER WANT TO TALK TO ME

7 messages

why cant we talk about nice things? i have nice things too- when i see them. in that other place. posting back and forth admiring each others stories and characters. i have that too. please. please can you talk to me

but then i swear like clockwork someone reaches out and i think no. not YOU. i want. THEM. (they don't exist) (they are a nebulous construct) what do i want. what do i fucking want. what do i care about? who do i care about?

im sorry. im so sorry. im sorry and i'll promise to respond to you. im sorry i know how it feels to be ignored i don't want to do that to you. im sorry i don't understand these things you send me. i don't understand

earlier tonight i failed once again to follow a simple request

(i keep looking up at those 7 unread messages)

i failed to follow it and i felt so. broken? useless? stupid? worthless? how can you expect someone _like me_ to get a job. to be _functional_

i dont even know if what i want to do is what i want to do anymore

all that time i spent in school. im sorry i wasted your time. im sorry im not going to amount to anything more than that. than this.

"they said they lost you in the system" "lost?? i. i submitted 3 times. under 'jay', under '[dead]', under '[last1]', under '[last1-last2]', i tried. i tried." -- "maybe they just don't want to hire me" "that's not it" "[z] got back to me that one time. do you remember?" "oh only a little-" "they said they're not hiring for night positions. even if on the website, the spot is still open. maybe if i just. replied back again and told them i'd do day anyways" "well, would you rather work at [x], or [y], or [z]?" "[y] i guess... not because i want to work in fast food but the benefits-"

the one blessing of tonight is that at least i haven't been super dysphoric. im too busy trying to claw back into my own body to be worried about whether or not it fits. i just need to be IN one

its been so hard to think of it as anything other than "the body", rather than "me". its. supposed to be "me" i think

whatever that means

my head is swimming again. i need to end this post

7 unread messages

i know i'll hit post, and i'll never see this passage again good riddance. maybe with all the bile ejected now i can actually be

something. i still dont know.

[lunabsolem]

i went from getting a cjo from this industries top rated company in the US, to getting it rescinded (over a silly mistake of missing an email). one would normally be upset but i remained optimistic. earlier this month i got news i was invited to an interview from one of this industry’s top rated company in the world 🫨😱.

the previous company that rescinded their job offer told me i could reapply in 6 months but at this point, i’m not even considering it. i’m convinced everything happens for a reason and the universe purposefully hid that email to get me where i am. lesson 1 on BEING DELUSIONAL. visualize it: i am sitting here living as if i already booked the job. speaking through the tumblr void & into the universe that this. job. is. mine. i booked it already & am packing my bags, getting ready to move !!!!!! 🧳🫡

UPDATE (april 2023): i got the job & plan on moving in the next few months to Dubai 🤪🥳

UPDATE (october 2023): i somehow managed to get this second CJO rescinded again lol. it took the passport center 6wks to tell me that i used the wrong form so i had to reapply and wait all over again. by the time i had my passport in hand, the company rescinded their offer. i had already stopped working my previous job which i could for sure go back to but i convinced myself it would feel like i was moving backwards. for a second there i felt stuck. extremely uncertain. but i am aware of the power we hold within, so i prayed about it. fast forward to now, i have a CJO doing the same job as my first two offers. there’s a base in Houston (which niether of the other companies offered). & i’ll probably move to another state just because i’m tired of living in texas, but it’s nice to know that should i ever want to come back to live near my family i can. in the meantime have been making money bartending which has been a blast! it feels like a joke, honestly. part of me can’t believe i get paid to hang out / talk to people. make drinks. my regulars always tip me really well and one even bought me a guitar case !! i’ve also been offered to do singing gigs at a high end restaurant & also stumbled upon a community of musicians that live out of campers on land in the middle of the woods that just hangout and make music together. my life feels like a weird dream i don’t want to wake up from. im no longer stuck and honestly feel the happiest i’ve ever been. life is good.