#im proud of myself for sitting through the whole movie lol

[gooddboygonebadd]

Just watched the first Avatar and holy crap. It's good.

[whencartoonsruletheworld]

Disney but just the Queer Mood™ Songs, a full Spotify Playlist

Open to updates should anyone notice a song I missed!

Tracklist with specific lyrics that fuck us all up under the cut:

KEY: A general list of which songs resonate with people. The 🏳️‍🌈is for general songs; if you relate to a song but don’t see ur emoji beneath it, send me a message and I’ll add it!

🏳️‍🌈 General Queer Anthem  🌈 Gays specifically have related to this song  ❤️ Gay Men specifically have related to this song  🧡 Lesbians specifically have related to this song 💕 Bisexuals/Pansexuals specifically have related to this song  💜 Asexuals/Ace-spectrum people specifically have related to this song 💚 Aromatics/Aro-spectrum people specifically have related to this song 🤍 Trans people have specifically related to this song 🖤 Nonbinary/Genderqueer people have specifically related to this song  💗 Polyamorous people have specifically related to this song

Know Who You Are - Moana

🏳️‍🌈

They have stolen the heart from inside you But this does not define you  This is not who you are You know who you are...

I Wonder - Sleeping Beauty 

🌈🧡

I wonder, I wonder, I wonder why each little bird has a someone To sing to, sweet things to, A gay little love melody I wonder, I wonder, I wonder if my heart keeps singing, Will my song go winging To someone, who'll find me And bring back a love song to me...

Mother Knows Best - Tangled

🏳️‍🌈 honestly this is just... a general song for some of our shitty relationships to guardian figures...

It's a scary world out there Mother knows best One way or another Something will go wrong, I swear

Me, I'm just your mother, what do I know? I only bathed and changed and nursed you Go ahead and leave me, I deserve it Let me die alone here, be my guest When it's too late You'll see, just wait Mother knows best

Don't forget it You'll regret it...

Dangerous to Dream - Frozen Broadway Production

🏳️‍🌈

I can't be what you expect of me But I'm trying every day with all I do and do not say Here on the edge of the abyss Knowing everything in my whole life has lead to this And so I pull inside myself, close the walls, put up my guard I've practiced every single day for this So why is it so hard?

I can't dwell on what we've lost And our secrecy and silence comes at such a cost

I wish I could tell the truth Show you who's behind the door I wish you knew what all this pantomime And pageantry was for

It's dangerous to wish I could make choices of my own Dangerous to even have that thought I'm dangerous just standing here for everyone to see If I let go of rules who knows how dangerous I'd be?

Reflection - Mulan 

🏳️‍🌈🤍🖤- literally everyone requested this. everyone. so im just copy-pasting the entire lyrics sorry not sorry

Look at me, I will never pass for a perfect bride Or a perfect daughter Can it be I'm not meant to play this part? Now I see that if I were truly to be myself I would break my family's heart

Who is that girl I see staring straight back at me? Why is my reflection someone I don't know? Somehow I cannot hide who I am, though I’ve tried  When will my reflection show who I am inside?

How I pray that a time will come I can free myself From their expectations On that day, I'll discover someway to be myself And to make my family proud They want a docile lamb No one knows who I am Must there be a secret me I'm forced to hide? Must I pretend that I'm Someone else for all time? When will my reflection show Who I am inside? When will my reflection show Who I am inside?

Everything I Ever Thought I Knew - Tangled: The Series

🏳️‍🌈 when u realize u might not be straight lol

I thought no one could love me And how could I have known? I was wrong, oh so wrong

Everything I ever thought I knew Where I've been, where I'm going Everything I counted on turned out to be untrue Could've guessed, should've known, now I do

If none of it was really me then who am I supposed to be?

I guess I'm someone else now I wonder who I am

God Help the Outcasts - Hunchback of Notre Dame

🏳️‍🌈...yeah. yeah

Yes, I know I'm just an outcast I shouldn't speak to You Still, I see Your face and wonder Were You once an outcast, too?

God help the outcasts, hungry from birth Show them the mercy they don't find on Earth God help my people, they look to You, still God help the outcasts or nobody will

I ask for nothing, I can get by But I know so many less lucky than I Please help my people, the poor and downtrod I thought we all were the children of God

Belle (Reprise) - Beauty and the Beast

🌈 when a cishet thinks ur interested smh

Madame Gaston! Can't you just see it? Madame Gaston! His little wife No, sir! Not me! I guarantee it I want much more than this provincial life!

I want adventure in the great wide somewhere I want it more than I can tell And for once it might be grand To have someone understand I want so much more than they've got planned...

Part of Your World - The Little Mermaid

🌈 SO many people requested this one guys it’s not even funny

Wandering free, wish I could be Part of that world

Betcha on land, they understand Bet they don't reprimand their daughters Bright young women, sick of swimming Ready to stand

When's it my turn? Wouldn't I love, Love to explore that shore up above?

One Jump Ahead (Reprise) - Aladdin

🏳️‍🌈

Riff-raff, street rat I don't buy that If only they'd look closer

Would they see a poor boy? No, siree They'd find out There's so much more to me...

Proud of Your Boy - Aladdin Broadway Production 

🏳️‍🌈❤️🤍

That I've been one rotten kid Some son, some pride and some joy But I'll get over these lousin' up Messin' up, screwin' up times...

Water flows under the bridge Let it pass, let it go There's no good reason that you should believe me Not yet, I know, but

Someday and soon I'll make you proud of your boy Though I can't make myself taller Or smarter or handsome or wise I'll do my best, what else can I do? Since I wasn't born perfect like Dad or you...

Someone’s Waiting for You - The Rescuers

🏳️‍🌈

Be brave, little one Make a wish for each sad little tear Hold your head up though no one is near Someone's waiting for you

Always keep a little prayer in your pocket And you're sure to see the light Soon there'll be joy and happiness And your little world will be bright

Have faith, little one Til your hopes and your wishes come true

Stick to the Status Quo - High School Musical 

🏳️‍🌈 🌈 YOU ALL KNOW EXACTLY WHY THIS IS HERE

No, no, no, stick to the stuff you know It is better by far to keep things as they are Don't mess with the flow, no no Stick to the status quo

Into the Unknown - Frozen 2

🏳️‍🌈

I can hear you, but I won't Some look for trouble while others don't There's a thousand reasons I should go about my day And ignore your whispers which I wish would go away

I've had my adventure, I don't need something new I'm afraid of what I'm risking if I follow you

Or are you someone out there who's a little bit like me? Who knows deep down I'm not where I'm meant to be? Every day's a little harder as I feel my power grow Don't you know there's part of me that longs to go

Where are you going? Don't leave me alone How do I follow you Into the unknown?

Go the Distance - Hercules 

🏳️‍🌈

I have often dreamed of a far off place Where a great, warm welcome will be waiting for me

And a voice keeps saying This is where I'm meant to be

I am on my way, I can go the distance I don't care how far, somehow I'll be strong I know every mile will be worth my while I would go most anywhere to find where I belong

Tomorrow - Annie

🏳️‍🌈 - betcha didnt know disney had an annie movie did u

The sun will come out tomorrow Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow There'll be sun

When I'm stuck in a day that's gray and lonely, I just stick out my chin and grin and say, oh, The sun’ll come out tomorrow So you gotta hang on til tomorrow, come what may...

Learn Me Right - Brave

🏳️‍🌈💜💚

Though I may speak some tongue of old Or even spit out some holy word I have no strength with which to speak When you sit me down and see I’m weak

We will run and scream you will dance with me We'll fulfill our dreams, and we'll be free We will be who we are, and they’ll heal our scars Sadness will be far away...

Strange Sight - Tinkerbell and the Legend of the Neverbeast 

🏳️‍🌈

You stand in the light You're wrong, but you're right And my heart's beating wildly Strange how I'm scared but delighted Afraid, but excited too

I will understand you Strange how I'm drawn to the danger I reach out my hand to you

If you're caught in the shadows and turned all around Lost in the darkness, you will be found If you hear my voice, follow the sound Cause I'm here to guide you home... 

I Don’t Dance - High School Musical 2 

🌈 ❤️ 💕 okay so if you weren’t here for the high school musical tumblr revival you may be confused but listen... it’s about being mlm... 

Step up to the plate, start swinging

I wanna play ball Now that’s all, this is what I do It ain’t no dance that you can show me

I’ve got what it takes playin’ my game So you best skin that pitch you gonna throw me, yeah I’ll show you how I swing

I can prove it to you ‘til you know it’s true Cause I can swing it, I can bring it to the diamond too You’re talking a lot, show me what you got Stop, swing!

Kiss the Girl - cover of The Little Mermaid 

this version is sung by a girl so 🧡💕

There you see her, sitting there across the way She don't got a lot to say but there's something about her And you don't know why, but you're dying to try You wanna kiss the girl

Yes, you want her Look at her, you know you do It's possible she want you too There is one way to ask her...

Can You Feel the Love Tonight - The Lion King 

🏳️‍🌈

An enchanted moment And it sees me through It's enough for this restless warrior Just to be with you

There's a time for everyone if they only learn That the twisting kaleidoscope moves us all in turn There's a rhyme and reason to the wild outdoors When the heart of this star-crossed voyager Beats in time with yours

And can you feel the love tonight? It is where we are It's enough for this wide-eyed wanderer That we got this far And can you feel the love tonight? How it's laid to rest It's enough to make kings and vagabonds Believe the very best

Beauty and the Beast - Beauty and the Beast 

🏳️‍🌈- a lot of queer people tend to empathize with “beastly” characters so we all latched the fuck onto this movie huh

Just a little change, small to say the least Both a little scared, neither one prepared

Ever just the same, ever a surprise Ever as before, ever just as sure As the sun will rise

Tale as old as time, tune as old as song Bittersweet and strange, finding you can change Learning you were wrong...

Healing Incantation - Tangled 

🏳️‍🌈🤍🖤

Heal what has been hurt Change the fates' design Save what has been lost Bring back what once was mine

So Close - Enchanted 

🏳️‍🌈🌈

A life goes by, romantic dreams will stop So I bid mine goodbye and never knew So close was waiting waiting here with you And now, forever, I know All that I wanted to hold you so close

Oh, how could I face the faceless days If I should lose you now?

So close to reaching that famous happy end Almost believing this one's not pretend Let’s go on dreaming though we know we are So close, so close, and still So far...

If Only - Descendants

🏳️‍🌈🌈

A million thoughts in my head Should I let my heart keep listening? Cause up 'til now, I've walked the line Nothing lost but something missing I can't decide what's wrong, what's right Which way should I go?

Every step, every word With every hour I'm feeling in To something new, something brave To someone I've never been

Will you still be with me When the magic's all run out?

If only I knew what my heart was telling me Don't know what I'm feeling Is this just a dream? If only I could read the signs in front of me I could find the way to who I'm meant to be

Wherever You Are - Pooh’s Grand Adventure: The Search for Christopher Robin 

🏳️‍🌈- out of context could be interpreted as romantic, esp since the credits version is a duet (🌈 💕) but the original context is friendship so honestly it’s very 💜💚

I'm out here in the dark, all alone and wide awake Come and find me I'm empty and I'm cold, and my heart's about to break Come and find me

I need you to come here and find me Cause without you, I'm totally lost I've hung a wish on every star It hasn't done much good so far I can only dream of you

But when the morning comes and the sun begins to rise, I will lose you Because it’s just a dream, when I open up my eyes, I will lose you

I used to believe in forever, But forever is too good to be true I've hung a wish on every star It hasn't done much good so far

I don't know what else to do Except to try to dream of you And wonder, if you're dreaming too Wherever you are

I Won’t Say (I’m In Love) - Hercules

🏳️‍🌈 🌈 💕

If there's a prize for rotten judgment, I guess I've already won that

Who d'you think you're kiddin'? He's the earth and heaven to ya Try to keep it hidden Honey, we can see right through ya Girl, you can't conceal it We know how you feel And who you're thinking of

I thought my heart had learned its lesson It feels so good when you start out My head is screaming "Get a grip, girl!" Unless you're dying to cry your heart out

You keep on denying Who you are and how you're feeling Baby, we're not buying Hon, we saw you hit the ceiling

This scene won't play I won't say I'm in love

At least out loud, I won't say I'm in love

Endless Night - The Lion King Broadway Production 

🏳️‍🌈🤍 🖤 

Where has the starlight gone? Dark is the day How can I find my way home? Home is an empty dream, lost to the night Father, I feel so alone

When will the dawning break, oh, endless night Sleepless I dream of the day

I know that the night must end And that the sun will rise I know that the clouds must clear And that the sun will shine

Set Yourself Free - Tangled: The Series 

🏳️‍🌈🤍

There's much more inside of you than anyone can see And now the choice is yours Life waits beyond the doors So step on through, the time has come And only you can set yourself free!

No one else can tell you what to do Or who to be! No one gets to say if you will stay or go

Look inside your heart and find the key... And set yourself free!

Bound up by your worries Trapped by your mistakes Forced to play a role you never chose Why not test your limits? You've got what it takes Let it out and follow where it goes

No more letting someone else define you to a "T" You know that you are strong You've known it all along So seize the day, let down your hair You’ll find a way to set yourself free!

So look to the horizon Open up your wings! Fly away to find your destiny... And set yourself free!

Speechless - Aladdin 2019 Remake 

🏳️‍🌈 ALL OF US ALL OF US

Here comes a wave meant to wash me away A tide that is taking me under

Cause I'll breathe when they try to suffocate me! Don't you underestimate me! Cause I know that I won't go speechless!

Written in stone, every rule, every word Centuries old and unbending "Stay in your place, better seen and not heard," Well, now that story is ending

Try to lock me in this cage! I won't just lay me down and die! I will take these broken wings And watch me burn across the sky!

I’m Still Here (Jim’s Theme) - Treasure Planet

🏳️‍🌈❤️🤍

I am a question to the world Not an answer to be heard Or a moment that's held in your arms

You don't know me And I'll never be what you want me to be

And what do you think you'd understand I'm a boy - No, I'm a man You can't take me and throw me away And how can you learn what's never shown Yeah, you stand here on your own They don't know me, cause I’m not here 

And I want to tell you who I am Can you help me be a man They can't break me As long as I know who I am

They can't tell me who to be 'Cause I'm not what they see Yeah, the world is still sleepin' While I keep on dreaming for me And their words are just whispers and lies That I'll never believe!

Crossing the Line - cover of Tangled: the Series 

🏳️‍🌈 🧡 tfw when u are DONE with that fuckin closet 

This has to stop now This thing where you think that you've been my friend And don't even hear how you condescend The way you've always done

How I've tried to jump that great divide! But I've never got the chances you were given You don't know how much I've been denied Well, I'm not being patient anymore

I'm crossing the line! And I'm done holding back So look out, clear the track, it's my turn! I'm taking what's mine Every drop, every smidge If I'm burning a bridge, let it burn! But I'm crossing the line...

Let it Go - Frozen 

🏳️‍🌈 listen. i do not have to explain this one. you all know exactly why it’s here. we were all tiny gays in 2013 losing our shit in the theater for no discernable reason why. we know

Couldn't keep it in, Heaven knows I tried

Don't let them in, don't let them see Be the good girl you always have to be Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know Well, now they know!

Let it go! Let it go! Turn away and slam the door! I don't care what they're going to say!

It's funny how some distance makes everything seem small And the fears that once controlled me can't get to me at all!

No right, no wrong, no rules for me I'm free!

I'm never going back, the past is in the past!

Let it go! Let it go! And I'll rise like the break of dawn Let it go! Let it go! That perfect girl is gone!

This is Me - Camp Rock 

🏳️‍🌈 🧡 💕 🤍

I've always been the kind of girl that hid my face So afraid to tell the world what I've got to say But I have this dream right inside of me I'm gonna let it show it's time To let you know It's to let you know

Do you know what it's like to feel so in the dark? To dream about a life where you're the shining star

This is real, this is me I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be, now Gonna let the light shine on me Now I've found who I am there's no way to hold it in No more hiding who I wanna be...

Breaking Free - High School Musical 

🏳️‍🌈 🖤

You know the world can see us In a way that's different than who we are Creating space between us 'Till we're separate hearts But your faith it gives me strength Strength to believe

Soarin, flyin There’s not a star in heaven that we can’t reach If we’re trying, yeah we’re breaking free  We’re running, climbin  To get to the place, to be all that we can be  Now’s the time, so we’re breaking free

True To Your Heart - Mulan 

🏳️‍🌈 🌈

Baby, I knew at once that you were meant for me Deep in my soul, I know that I'm your destiny Though you're unsure Why fight the tide Don't think so much Let your heart decide

True to your heart You must be true to your heart That's when the heavens'll part And, baby, shower you with my love Open your eyes Your heart can tell you no lies And when you're true to your heart I know it's gonna lead you straight to me

Someone ya know is on your side can set you free I can do that for you if you believe in me Why second guess what feels so right Just trust your heart And you'll see the light

Never Knew I Needed - The Princess and the Frog 

🏳️‍🌈 🌈 💕

For the way you changed my plans For being the perfect distraction For the way you took the idea that I have Of everything that I wanted to have And made me see there was something missing...

My accidental happily ever after The way you smile and how you comfort me with your laughter I must admit you were not a part of my book But now if you open it up and take a look You're the beginning and the end of every chapter

You're the best thing I never knew I needed So when you were here I had no idea You'd be the best thing I never knew I needed So now it's so clear I need you here always

Colors of the Wind - Pocahontas 

🏳️‍🌈 - colors.... rainbows.... yea

How can there be so much that you don't know? You don't know...

You think the only people who are people Are the people who look and think like you But if you walk the footsteps of a stranger You'll learn things you never knew, you never knew

How high will the sycamore grow If you cut it down, then you'll never know And you'll never hear the wolf cry to the blue corn moon For whether we are white or copper skinned We need to sing with all the voices of the mountains We need to paint with all the colors of the wind...

I See the Light - Tangled 

🏳️‍🌈 🌈 - you would not BELIEVE how many of y’all requested this one

Now I'm here, blinking in the starlight Now I'm here, suddenly I see Standing here, it's all so clear I'm where I'm meant to be

Now she's here shining in the starlight Now she's here, suddenly I know If she's here it's crystal clear I'm where I'm meant to go

And at last I see the light And it's like the fog has lifted And at last I see the light And it's like the sky is new And it's warm and real and bright And the world has somehow shifted

All at once, everything looks different Now that I see you

Strangers Like Me - Tarzan 

🏳️‍🌈 🤍 🖤- that moment when u find another queer person and ur like “holy shit”

I can see there's so much to learn It's all so close and yet so far I see myself as people see me Oh, I just know there's something bigger out there

Come with me now to see my world Where there's beauty beyond your dreams Can you feel the things I feel Right now, with you Take my hand There's a world I need to know...

Why Should I Worry? - Oliver & Company 

🏳️‍🌈- we’re queer, we’re here, get used to it 

Why should I worry? Why should I care? I may not have a dime But I got street savoir-faire Why should I worry? Why should I care? It's just be-bopulation And I got street savoir-faire

Why should I worry? Why should I care? And even when I crossed that line I got street savoir-faire

Welcome - Brother Bear 

🏳️‍🌈 pride parade amirite

Everyone's invited This is how we live We are here for each other, happy to give All we have we share And all of us we care

There's a bond between us nobody can explain It's a celebration of life We see our friends again I'll be there for you I know you'll be there for me, too So come on!

This has to be the most beautiful The most peaceful place I've ever been to It's nothing like I've never seen before When I think how far I've come I can't believe it And yet I see it In them I see family I see the way we used to be...

The Great Divide - Tinkerbell and the Secret of the Wings

🏳️‍🌈

I'm on your side Let's take this ride And together we're facing the world Doing things nobody's done before And the great divide doesn’t seem so wide anymore

With You by My Side - Tangled: the Series 

💗 - tangled the series was so close to being canon polyam istg

Now; now more than ever We must stick together united

If we're destined to head in our own different ways Let's make the most of these sweet final days Why not go out in a glorious blaze

There's nothing I couldn't do Not with you by my side What in the world would I do Without you by my side...

Love Will Find a Way - The Lion King 2: Simba’s Pride

🏳️‍🌈 🌈

In a perfect world One we've never known We would never need to face the world alone They can have the world We'll create our own I may not be brave or strong or smart But somewhere in my secret heart

And if only they could feel it too The happiness I feel with you

Like dark turning into day Somehow we'll come through Now that I've found you Love will find a way I know love will find a way

Space Between - Descendants 2

🧡 never have i ever seen gays flock to a song faster

And you can find me in the space between Where two worlds come to meet I'll never be out of reach Cause you're a part of me so you can find me in the space between You'll never be alone No matter where you go We can meet in the space between

Even if we're worlds apart You're still in my heart It will always be you and me, yeah

If I Never Knew You - Pocahontas

🏳️‍🌈🌈

And if I never held you I would never have a clue How at last I'd find in you The missing part of me...

In this world so full of fear Full of rage and lies I can see the truth so clear In your eyes So dry your eyes

If I never knew you I'd be safe but half as real Never knowing I could feel A love so strong and true

I thought our love would be so beautiful  Somehow we'd make the whole world bright I never knew that fear and hate could be so strong All they'd leave us were these whispers in the night But still my heart is saying we were right

I’d Give Anything - Tangled: the Series 

🧡 rapunzel’s sad breakup song

So if you find that you're in darkness or despair Though you won't turn to me please know I'll be right there Name any sacrifice, I'll pay the price that's due Cause I'd give anything for you Yes, I'd give anything to relive everything we knew...

Someday - Hunchback of Notre Dame 

🏳️‍🌈

I used to believe In the days I was naïve That I'd live to see A day of justice dawn And though I will die Long before that morning comes I'll die while believing still It will come when I am gone

Someday, when we are wiser When the world's older, when we have learned I pray someday we may yet live To live and let live

Someday, these dreams will all be real Till then we'll wish upon the moon Change will come, one day Someday soon... 

No One Is Alone - Into the Woods 

🏳️‍🌈

Mother cannot guide you, now your on your own. Only me beside you, still you're not alone. No one is alone. Truly, no one is alone…

People make mistakes Holding to their own  Thinking they’re alone 

Someone is on your side, someone else is not  While we’re seeing our side, maybe we forgot  They are not alone, no one is alone...

I Am Moana (Song of the Ancestors) - Moana

🏳️‍🌈 🤍 - it’s about the self-acceptance binch

Sometimes, the world seems against you The journey may leave a scar But scars can heal and reveal just Where you are

The people you love will change you The things you have learned will guide you And nothing on Earth can silence The quiet voice still inside you

I've delivered us to where we are I have journeyed farther I am everything I've learned and more Still it calls me

And the call isn't out there at all, it's inside me! It's like the tide, always falling and rising I will carry you here in my heart, you remind me That come what may I know the way

Show Yourself - Frozen 2 

🏳️‍🌈 - this one was claimed immediately by the queer community and we all have a stake in it but i do want to point out that i got this from a LOT of 🤍 🖤 💜 💚

I have always been a fortress Cold secrets deep inside You have secrets too But you don't have to hide

I've never felt so certain All my life, I've been torn But I'm here for a reason Could it be the reason I was born? I have always been so different Normal rules did not apply Is this the day? Are you the way I finally find out why?

Oh, show yourself Let me see who you are... Come to me now Open your door Don't make me wait One moment more!

(Come, my darling, homeward bound) I am found!

Transformation / Beauty and the Beast (Reprise) - Beauty and the Beast Broadway Production 

🏳️‍🌈

We are home, we are where we shall be forever  Trust in me, for you know I won’t run away from today This is all that I need, and all that I need to say  Don’t you know how you’ve changed me? Strange how I finally see  I found home, you’re my home, stay with me... 

Finale / Let it Go - Frozen Broadway Production 

🏳️‍🌈 this makes me bawl so it gets finale

There’s so much I longed to say Then say it all, beginning with today It’s like a dream I thought could never be  Elsa, you’re free 

Here we stand in the light of day Let the sun shine on 

I take this warmth within and send it up above Goodbye to dark and fear, let’s fill this world with light and love And here surrounded by a family at least  We’re never going back, the past is in the past 

Let our true love go  Let it go!

[leviskokoro]

Mari In Twisted Wonderland | Abridged Version | Savanaclaw

Chapter 2

Days after the Overblot Incident and Revenge Unbirthday Party, Mari gets another dream and this time it’s about the furries-- I mean, animals. She didn’t really get what it meant.

Lunch happened and Ruggie stole Grim’s lunch. Mari was confused but then they were called to the Headmaster’s office so she couldn’t question it. 

Crowley explained shit to the shared brain cell trio and Mari. Blah blah blah. Grim got upset that he can’t play magift and show off. Mari rationalized with him that he won’t be able to show off if he’s only a beginner and that she’ll treat him to canned tuna to cheer him up. He seemed to be having a terrible day, getting his lunch stolen and then being told he can’t participate in a sports event. 

She asked Crowley if he was searching for a way home but quickly realizes that he didn’t seem to be doing it. Though, she didn’t really say anything about it since the demon brothers were probably looking for a way to get her back. 

Then they got back to their dorms later but Crowley came to visit and explained that students were getting injured and shit was real sus since there were a lot of them. Grim told him that he didn’t want to help but he pretty much just forced them by saying the Ramshackle Dorm wasn’t free. He also bribed Grim by saying he’d let him participate in the magift tournament. Though, Mari was aware that he was lying through his teeth. However, she said nothing since she didn’t want to break Grim’s spirit again. Plus, she was going to help regardless of the situation. Might as well be helpful while she’s stuck in there. 

So the investigation started. They looked in the infirmary and Mari noticed that there were no Savanaclaw students that were injured but figured that maybe the culprit hasn’t got to them yet. Then they interrogated two injured students from Heartslabyul and they didn’t get any helpful answers so they tried looking for more clues. Only to fail and go back to the Ramshackle Dorm. 

Ace visited and they explained the situation to him. But then Deuce ran in and yelled about how Trey got injured too. So they ran to the Heartslabyul dorm and saw him. 

Mari was genuinely proud of Grim for being nice enough to give Trey the can of tuna she bought for him earlier in order to cheer him up. 

Riddle came by to check on Trey and then explained how he got injured. Then Cater pulled everyone excluding Trey to a different room and let Mari tell them about the other injured students. 

So, the Heartslabyul gang + Grim and Mari went to investigate together and saw the Pomefiore Dorm, which was probably Mari’s favorite dorm so far. It was certainly pretty. 

And now for Mari’s first impression of Rook: “Dang he kinda hot” 

Rook will remember that

Then the rest of the gang decided that he didn’t look strong enough so the culprit probably wouldn’t wanna target him, then went on to Octavinelle to see the tweels. 

First impression of the tweels as she and the rest ran for their dear lives: “Jesus fuck they’re creepy” 

They escaped and Mari finally remembered what she noticed about the injured students again. “Savanaclaw might be the next targets since there weren’t any injured students from there” 

So they got to the Savanaclaw Dorm and met Jack. She was like “oh you’re the hot furry” and he was like “excuse me?” Then he tells them that he won’t be targetted and that they should fuck off. 

Then they got in trouble with Savanaclaw delinquents and Leona and Ruggie came. Leona recognized Mari as the herbivore that stepped on his tail. The delinquents get angry but he still drinks respecc women juice and just challenges the gang to magift. Since Mari had no magic, she had to sit this one out. 

She goes home and sleeps, but then realizes she can’t and decides to have a midnight walk because she hasn’t seen enough horror movies to know that’s not the best idea. Then she meets Malleus. Probably thinks he’s the hottest guy she’s seen in NRC besides Leona and Jamil. 

“Oh, you are a child of man” “And you’re a man with horns”

She isn’t particularly intimidated by him. Like— She’s met Lucifer and has been nearly killed by him twice. Some strange dude with horns got nothin’ on him. Mari asked who he is and he seemed to be surprised by that, then he smirked. 

Dude said it would be better if she didn’t know and let her call him whatever she wanted. She was like “Aight” then he left. 

Mari goes to sleep and has another dream. She wonders why she’s having another dream about animals and why does the lion look familiar. Then she woke up, wondering what it meant. Barbatos was rather vague when he gave her his parting gift. 

On the way to school with Grim, she told him about the Tall handsome dude with horns. He dubbed him “Tsunotarou”. She liked the name a lot and decided to use it. 

They meet up with Cater and Riddle, who tell them that Jamil got injured. So they go meet him. 

‘Ah fuck his voice is hot too’ Mari thought when she met him. It seemed that she was right about Kalim, he was quite friendly. 

So they finally found out about Ruggie but couldn’t catch him. Then Jack appeared again. He’s like “Why are you working so hard for other people’s sake?” 

Ace is like “Lmao we just wanna get picked for the magift tournament and show off. We don’t give a shit about these guys.”

Mari sighed and said, “Why is literally everyone in this school so selfish?” And Jack questions her as to her reason for doing it. Then she replies with “Well-- Crowley kinda said that living in the Ramshackle Dorm wasn’t free. Though, he didn’t really have to force me since I would’ve helped regardless because I just like feeling helpful.”

Then Jack told the shared braincell trio that they’re worse than he thought. Though, he also mentioned that he didn’t trust Mari’s type. As in, “Guys that just do things for others” 

Ace was like “no u” 

Then Jack was like “Fight me bitch. If you want me to spill my guts, you gotta defeat me”

Deuce went bad boy like “fuck yeah lets go dude” and they fight

And they win. The rest of the guys are surprised that Mari knows how to fight. She’s like “The Future King of Hell taught me martial arts for like a year” and they’re not sure whether she’s being serious or if she’s crazy. 

And then Jack went into this whole spiel about how cowardly tricks make him nauseous and how he wanted to use his own power to claim victory at the top. Then he finally spills the beans on what Ruggie’s unique magic is and how Savanaclaw is in on the plan. 

“Why would they?” “How well you do in the magift tournament can have a big impact on your future, right? So I can’t say I don’t understand their feelings” 

“GRRRRRRRRRRRR” 

Mari is like “Dude, chill. Understanding someone doesn’t mean you agree with them.” 

Jack replied with “The now comes before the future! Show what you can do now!” 

Then goes onto yet another spiel about how he can’t stand Leona and how that guy is amazing but never gives his full effort. 

Ace whispers to Mari like “Damn he tsundere for his own dorm leader” 

And Jack tells them that Savanaclaw is going to target the dorm leader of Diasomnia, Malleus Draconia during the day of the magift tournament. 

Riddle and Cater come by like “Lol thanks for telling us” Then Riddle was going to tell them the plan but Jack was like “bitch im not gonna help. Im gonna do this shit myself. Bye” 

Mari countered with “What have you accomplished on your own?” 

He’s just >:(

“Smart wolves hunt as a pack” “Ugh fine. But if your plan sucks, I’m leaving.” 

So after hearing Riddle out, he’s like “Aight I’ll help.” 

Everyone came to an agreement and went to their respective dorms. Mari has another dream, then thought “Bruh he really wanted to be king then when he became king, he didn’t even do it right.”

“Oi, wake up.” 

Mari felt someone shake her awake. She groaned and swatted away the hands, wanting to sleep more. It didn’t quite register in her mind that someone broke into her room. It was only until her blanket was tugged away from her. The cool air hit her bare body. She shuddered and her eyes finally fluttered open to see Jack with a flustered expression before he threw the blanket over her body. 

“WHY THE HELL ARE YOU NAKED?!” 

“WHY ARE YOU IN MY ROOM?!” 

“Tch.” He looked away and rubbed his neck. “I came from my morning run to wake you up early. I couldn’t let you oversleep on the day of the tournament. S-Sorry for breaking into your room…”

Grim perked up and was motivated to go immediately so that he could collect his reward to play in the tournament. “Come on! Let’s go already!” 

“Just let me get dressed and I’ll be right with you. Be patient.” 

For the rest of that morning, Jack couldn’t look at her directly. When he did, images of that embarrassing situation all came back to his mind 

So they got to the stadium. Shit hit the fan but everything was fine because Heartslabyul revealed their plan. Diasomnia is perfectly alright. 

Leona got pissed and he revealed his unique magic. Sand is everywhere. He’s trying to kill Ruggie. 

Mari is like “Ugh I hate sand” 

Jack also revealed his unique magic and turned into a full furry-- I mean, wolf. This surprised Leona, which gave Riddle the opportunity to collar him. 

Lilia be spittin facts. 

Hearing Leona yell about agony and despair and that things will never change kinda made Mari’s heart hurt because it felt… familiar. How hopeless he seemed to feel. It reminded her of how she was before coming to the Devildom. 

Then he overblotted.

Then they beat the sit out of him. Mari is like “Does this usually happen?” 

So the magift tournament went on and Savanaclaw still got to play because the injured students wanted revenge. Grim also reminded Crowley about his reward so he was allowed to play against Savanaclaw. 

Grim did an oopsie and tried to do a special move but it backfired and hit Mari in the head instead. She had to be rushed to the infirmary. 

She woke up to see the shared braincell trio and the furry boys. Ace told her that she’s been asleep for so long that the closing ceremony was over and they’re dismantling the venue. 

Leona told her that Diasomnia was the champion. 

Ace and Deuce talked about how good Malleus was for a moment. Jack was like “No one can win if they give up before they try.” Mari agreed with him. He then said that he was going to beat Diasomnia fair and square next year. 

Leona was like ““Underhanded tactics” require one’s strength too” and she asked if he even felt bad. He was just like lmao no 

A wild Babie has appeared. Leona went >:0 but introduced Cheka to them. 

Mari squealed at the sight of such an adorable child. Internally she was saying “I’ve seen Cheka for 4 seconds but if anything were ever to happen to him, I’d kill everyone in this room and then myself.”

Jack: So the root of all Leona’s pain is… 

Mari: The cutest lil angel ever! 

Cheka: Are you guys my uncle’s friends? 

Everyone else laughed at Leona except Mari who was busy introducing herself to the lil babie. 

Leona will remember that. 

Timeskip to when Mari went to sleep and saw the creepy shadow in the mirror. She’s lowkey shook but then she woke up. Seeing the time was pretty early in the morning, she decided to have a lil stroll to see the sun rise. 

She found a good spot and sat down, singing lightly to herself. 

The sound of leaves being crushed under one’s feet reached her ears from behind her. Mari didn’t bother looking up at the source, being too enamored with seeing the sky as its hues morph from navy to a golden yellow. The dark clouds turned into tangerine and peach ones. She gave a dreamy sigh. 

“Oi, Mari.” She heard the gruff voice of Jack. “What are you doing here?”

“Oh you know, just… Watching that gorgeous sunrise. I’ve lived in a land with no sun for a year so seeing it like this is quite the blessing,” She responded, still not looking up. 

“Seriously? I’ve never heard of a place like that.” Jack sat beside her. 

“Yeah. Living in Hell was quite the experience but it was fun.” Mari chuckled lightly. 

Her words caused him to furrow his eyebrows, wondering if she was kidding or not. He shook his head, deciding that it wasn’t important. He turned to her. 

“So… about that time…” 

“Hm? What time?” Mari finally looked at him, confusion swirling in her pools of chocolate. She tilted her head. 

His face felt warm as the blood rose to his tanned cheeks. “Y-You know what I’m talking about!”

Upon seeing his flustered expression, she finally remembered what he meant. Her mouth formed an ‘o’. What could he possibly gain from bringing that up now? 

“I wanted to apologize properly…” He spoke up again, rubbing the back of his neck. “I shouldn’t have violated your privacy like that and broke into your room.” He finally had the courage to look back into her eyes. Golden hues meeting chocolate. 

“How can I make it up to you?” 

Mari saw this opportunity and a smirk crept up onto her lips. “You could make it up to me by letting me pet you.” 

He yelped and his eyes widened to the size of saucers. His ears stood erect. “Wh-What?!” 

She pouted. “I thought you wanted to make it up to me? This is the least I could ask for after you broke into my room and saw me naked!” 

“Okay! Okay! Just don’t yell or someone’s gonna hear you.” 

Mari stopped and looked at him with expectations glinting in her eyes. 

He leaned downward. His head was lowered and ears curled back, anticipating her touch. 

She grinned and laid her hand over his head, caressing it tenderly. “Oh my~ Your hair is quite soft. I see that you groom yourself well, Jack. How nice~” She cooed, continuing to pet him with such pure glee swimming in her chocolate eyes. “How are you liking this? Does it feel nice~?” 

“Tch… Just because I’m letting you do this, doesn’t mean I like it,” He told her. 

“But your tail is wagging.” She pointed out. Blood spurted to his face and he pulled away. 

“Alright, that’s enough!” He exclaimed to her, trying not to show her that he was flustered. “We’re going to be late for school if we don’t hurry.” 

Mari glanced at the sun and nodded. “Oh! You’re right. I’ll go wake up Grim and head to class. Thanks again, Jack.” 

“Don’t expect me to let you do that again. We’re not friends or anything.” He walked away from her. 

A smile graced her lips as she watched him leave with a mirthful gaze. “Alright,” she whispered and made her way to the Ramshackle Dorm.

[mavspeed]

First Line Meme

Rules: List the first lines of your last 20 stories (if you have less than 20, just list them all). See if there are any patterns. Choose your favorite opening line, then tag 10 of your favorite authors!

Hey @applesfallingfromblondehair, thanks for the tag love!! likewise i dont usually do this but this feels interesting so lets see if my ass has improved over the last few stories lmfkjgjk

also this will prob be a mix of xmcu fic + kingsman fic bc i think i have a more or less equal number of fics written for both

1.

The first time Charles meets Lucifer Morningstar, actual devil from hell, ruler of the underworld, fallen son of the lord above and god knows what else, it had been after Erik had been sentenced to life imprisonment in the highest security cell in the Pentagon. 

- this is from a professor and a devil walk into a bar, which is kinda a crossover rarepair fic that rose out of me and mutuals on twitter discussing tom ellis and james mcavoy being roommates and kinda... devolved from there. i am proud of this one lmfnjgkj

2.

“Are you okay, Professor?” Hank asks quietly.

Charles blinks. He supposes it’s a valid question. He’s been in a bit of a funk the past few days- scratch that actually, the past few years. He’s just lost so much- his father, and then his mother’s love, and then Raven and Erik and Sean and countless others. Building a school, gaining students he loved to teach and nurture hadn’t helped him in the slightest, and he’s as lost as he ever was, wandering the halls of a drafty mansion alone, feeling like he’s been stranded at sea even whilst surrounded by people.

- from in the belly of the beast, which again came out of me wondering what would have happened if fox had gone w their original plan and charles had been that last horseman instead of erik. this story will prob gain a sequel... sometime in the near future when im not too bogged down by current wips

3. 

The Xavier family hall of the deceased- because of course they’re weird enough to have a cemetery- is full of rows upon rows of holograms. Charles is four and gets bored of his father crying over his mother’s hologram, so he toddles over to the other rows. Unfamiliar names, all of them- Charles is young, and he doesn’t understand death. He doesn’t even know who his mother is, who’d died at childbirth and left him with a father still at a loss when it came to bringing up a kid.

- from tequila on a spaceship, the sequel to a fic that still has some people angry at me i think. this fic never did gain as much traction as the first one but im still proud of it esp since it discusses certain themes of reincarnation that ive always wanted to see explored for myself in reincarnation aus (and i only ever saw it in danveresque’s reincarnation au)

4.

There are cork boards covering every inch of the wall. Red strings, photographs, conspiracy threads, everything. Raven takes it in, swallowing, noticing the picture in the middle.

It’s one of Charles, when he’d been in university. His final year- he'd just been done presenting his year- end project, his fringe a tumbled mess and a bright smile on his lips. Erik had taken the picture, Charles scurrying to his side once he’d been done and demanding to look at the image, his tongue poking out the corner of his mouth. He looks like how Raven had always imagined him to be.

“He wouldn’t want this,” she finally says, turning to look at Erik.

- from tequila on a beach, the first fic to the fic above. this fic is v special to me because i actually wrote this on a spiral after having a very tough visit with one of my parents in the hospital after a surgery for organ removal to prevent the onset of cancer. its simpler than my other fics yet i think more powerful because of what happens. also i think the first time i killed charles off lol (spoiler alert). also idk if ppl were aware of this but this is called tequila on a beach precisely bc charles and erik were tipsy from tequila at a frat party and then went to a beach. its the way they first met (and will continue to meet for all their next lives)

5. 

Erik doesn’t know how it all started. Maybe it was when his insane sergeant had started rambling about imaginary cities, treasures of gold and cursed incantations. Maybe it was when trickles of rumours had started pouring down about the higher ups wanting to investigate unfound territory, disregard the Egyptian government’s feelings on the matter, and put a previously unfound myth on the map for all the world to see. Or maybe, Erik thinks, it was when archaeologist Klaus Schmidt put a bullet through his mother’s head and he ended up going to America armed with dual citizenship and the sole intent of wanting to drive a coin directly between Schmidt’s eyes, joining a division of the American military focused solely on guarding archaeological digs- more importantly, in Egypt, where Schmidt’s interest had shifted.

- from courting the end of the world, another one i’m just insanely proud of! this is the first time i’ve ever attempted a multichapter movie au and it actually managed to work pretty well, i at least haven’t run out of inspiration for it yet lmfjgjg. also erik as himbo rick connell... very rent free in my head

6. 

The day after they murder Shaw and leave his house of horrors, Erik crosses the Canadian border with Charles across his back. Charles had started getting tired while they’d been walking, stumbling and nearly tripping until Erik had forced him to get on his back, ignoring Charles’ protests.

The blood’s seeping out steadily from Charles’ nose, staining his shirt and soaking it through. It’s been leaking on and off, and the effects are already obvious in the dark circles beneath Charles’ eyes. Any more, and Erik knows they’ll have to find him a doctor. He hopes the nearest town in Canada has one that would be willing to treat them.

- from a world built for two. i actually dk where the inspiration for this came from, i think i was once again on a depressive spiral and wanted to break my comfort characters into pieces and put them together again. this also deals with codependency and unhealthy coping mechanisms as a result of trauma which i showed as sweet in the fic but i would def not recommend in real life. pls if u relate to either charles or erik in this go see a therapist

7. 

The call comes in the afternoon, an hour before Charles is supposed to teach his Intro to Genetics class. Frowning, Charles abandons the game of Candy Crush he’d admittedly been playing rather badly and picks it up. “Charles sp-”

“We need you, Prof,” Kitty says desperately into the phone. “He’s been in a temper all morning, and then Alex’s reports missed out a whole subsection, so he’s fired the entire marketing team! Please, Professor, you have to come immediately!”

- from and we can be pirates. i wrote this in like 4 seconds for my friend who wanted professor charles and ceo erik and actually did not expect this to gain the attention it did... its always the fics u write in like 4 seconds lmfjggj. a sequel for this Is coming too probably at some point in the very far future

8. 

Charles Xavier can admit as he sits across from Essex, hands cuffed to the desk, that in hindsight, this had perhaps not been one of his better ideas.

He refuses to admit it as he controls Erik’s mind, preventing him from lashing out and making him close his eyes to the nightmare unfolding in front of him. He refuses to admit it as he gets shoved into the back of a black pickup truck, and the butt of a gun is smashed across his forehead hard enough to knock him out cold for a few hours. He refuses to admit it when he wakes up what appears to be hours later in a cold interrogation room, hands cuffed to the table in front of him, with a suppression collar rendering his mind dark and almost achingly silent.

- from from the land of gods (bring me home). i’ve been struggling w this fic a lot (it didnt come as easily to me as the first one did) but its getting there. also i put charles through hell in this rip sorry mister xavier

9.

In the aftermath, both of them stand at the border of the mansion. The air feels frigid, slicing into Raven’s lungs like a thousand paper cuts. “Charles, please,” she begs, heart in her throat and voice hoarse. “He wouldn’t want you to be like this. He wouldn’t want you to do this. It’s not too late, you can come back.”

Charles gazes back, a brick wall. He hasn’t even cleaned up, still in that damnable yellow and blue suit with blood drying in the corners of his mouth, the bridge of his nose. There’s nothing in his eyes- blank, almost see through. He looks as if he’s a mere shade, a ghost lounging about where he once was. Raven knows better.

“I will raze the world to the ground,” he finally says, his voice free of any inflection, “and when I’m done, no one will be left standing. Not you, and certainly not me.”

- from where all the poets went to die, a dark fic based on what would have happened if moira had killed erik with the bullets. its the first time ive written dark charles and it was v fun if im being honest

10. 

Charles is a light sleeper. It’s a trait that stays with him- all the way from his father and the tests to taking care of his mother to Cain Marko and his fists to Cuba and then now, the dust of Washington settling over him and making the waking world lie an inch beyond his eyelids. It therefore stands to reason that the second the windowsill creaks he’s up in a shot, hoisting himself up and lashing out with his telepathy instantly.

That’s not a trait that had stayed with him. That’s a newly formed trait, bitter and bold, carved into existence by Cuba by his students disappearing one by one in Vietnam by the letters that announce Sean’s death in black unfriendly print by-

The tendrils of his telepathy forged cold and distant meet a barrier and recoil, stunned. He focuses his eyes and then widens them, staring at Erik who stares back, hidden beneath that infernal muddied magenta helmet of his. They stare at each other for a moment before Erik clears his throat.

- from in the valley of kings (you will come home). my first ever cherik fic! im actually also proud of this one even if i ended it horribly and half my mutuals refuse to read it bc of how it ended LMFJGJGJ. i cant believe this was supposed to be a funny and cute kid fic and then i turned it into an angst ridden mess. also leo is actually an oc whose adult version is fancasted as charlie rowe by me and another mutual on twitter and im v proud that readers are willing to die for the baby

11. 

Mike has to google it, finding a crafts shop nestled into the corner of the street right smack in the middle of Louisiana, past a long and winding dirt road and the crumbling farmhouses relics of a time long past. The air is hot, humid, sticking to the back of his neck like an unwieldy parasite as he pushes the door of the shop open to the sound of the bell tinkling above.

He finds the origami paper quickly enough and has a momentary breakdown about what Bill’s favourite colour even is- he had never thought to ask him. Twenty seven years of following every single footstep of his like a dedicated, most definitely creepy stalker, three months of more than a few states traversed with Bill’s laughter now echoing in his ears like a shadow that trails after him, and this is what stumps him. It takes ten minutes, but he finally settles on light green.

- my first and last entry into the IT fandom bc i love these two but to be very fair there isn’t much content out there for him (and twitter content actually intimidates me lmfjgjjg) a thousand paper cranes never got much traction either but i suspect its bc i was horrible at promoting it. also i very much love this fic even if it never did that well bc ive always wanted to write a fic like this after watching the movie in cinemas in 2019

12.

ok nsfw i guess 

Mornings start like this- Eggsy snuffling into David’s neck, attempting to work his way back up to wakefulness as David sleeps the sleep of the dead, the streams of morning sunlight gradually lightening up the room. It’s a while before he gets the energy to sit up, pushing an eager V off the bed- V for Vendetta, a kitten named after one of David’s favourite movies that they’d adopted about a month after moving in together- before stumbling to the loo. He’s already in the shower when David comes in, naked as the day he’s born with his arms entwining themselves around Eggsy’s waist as he murmurs a sleep-soft, “Good morning, love,” as he presses a kiss into the two-days-old hickey on Eggsy’s shoulder. His breath smells of toothpaste, the minty fresh kind he insists on buying from Target no matter how much Eggsy insists that the other brand is much better. Without fail, Eggsy always has a split second thought of thinking that he must truly be in heaven because no way can this be his reality, every single day, before sinking to his knees and allowing David’s cock to hit the back of his throat.

- from that’s the kind of love i’ve been dreaming of. i genuinely wish i had an opinion for this but i don’t remember writing this its been way too long

13. 

The first time Eggsy sees her is in Trafalgar Square.

Trafalgar Square is uncomfortably packed on any normal day, but on New Year’s it is quite the hothouse. Sweating armpits and hot bodies plastered against each other, the twinkling lights overhead providing a flash of blue and green and yellow and red, screaming children and giggling teenagers shoving their way through- it’s a recipe for disaster. Eggsy doesn’t know how he ends up there. It happens sometimes- one second he blinks, sequestered in the comfort of his living room, and the next he’s somewhere else, as if he’s been teleported. “Life goes past you,” Tilde had said once, “and you don’t even notice.” Tilde would be right.

- this is a roxy and eggsy friendship centric fic that i abandoned bc i lost my ardor for this world about the same time i got into xmen lmfjgjg. all the king’s horses also had some great fancasts in it with dev patel fancasted too... rip ig

14. 

once again, nsfw

Eggsy, truth be told, doesn’t actually like having sex in bathrooms. First of all, bathrooms generally have an unsanitary air about them. Besides that, the granite of the sinks always feel cold against his hips, there is the ever present fear of being walked in on and unlike what people might say, he actually really isn’t that much of an exhibitionist- and truth be told, he’s never liked the look of himself in the mirror mid coitus.

For David Budd, however, he suspects he might be up for anything.

- from do you ever dream of me. im actually proud of this fic and this series, i never usually write straight up porn or friends w benefits and i think it worked well in here. once again didnt get much traction but that was very of the norm for my kingsman fics lmfjgj

15.

It is on his fifth meeting with the therapist on site that she brings the issue up. The elephant in the room- or the bomb , David thinks morbidly. If asked, he can’t remember specifics about that day now. All he remembers is this- the burn of Julia’s picture in his wallet against his thigh, the Botticelli painting on the far wall and Miss Paulson’s face, severe and unsmiling.

“When you couldn’t reach Julia,” she says, after he finishes describing the feeling of running to Julia, the panic searing his chest as he’d prayed for his legs to work faster so he could do something, anything to reach her hand. “How did that make you feel?”

- from your haunted social scene. i genuinely... do not remember anything about this either helpfkjgjg,,, this has 55 comments tho which. Nice

16.

David brings her home on- in a move far too cliche for it to be reality- a stormy night. It’s in fact storming so hard the windowpanes shudder like leaves in the wind, droplets crashing against the glass in a cacophony so loud Eggsy more than once considers turning the radio all the way up to drown it out. He’d gone scrounging for David’s sweatshirts instead of his own halfway through, wincing intermittently at the flashes of thunder. At a particularly loud one JB had jumped up, squeaked in a very undoglike manner and skidded across the floor to cower beneath the sofa, only coming out when coaxed by Eggsy to do so. Officer Oatmeal had watched the proceedings from her regal place by the armchair, dozy eyed and blinking heavily.

- from a cat named lavender. from what i remember this was also my first try at bringing up trans eggsy

17.

He first appears at the black prince on a cold Monday evening, eyes like Frank Sinatra and lips arresting anyone’s gaze if they weren’t careful enough. He stood out too, clad in a respectable bomber jacket and boots that clicked against the tile rhythmically and loudly, a sort of organised, measured cacophony.

“Go and serve him,” Andrew said, fat and disinterested, seated behind the counter and idly flicking through bills, less than ten percent of which he pays Eggsy. “I’m busy.”

- from trust is left in lovers after all. i never continued this which is sad bc this did get a lot of attention... it was just v hard to keep the story going

18.

It usually rains cats and dogs in London but for some reason, the rain is heavier than usual today. The droplets splatter against the windows in a constant buzzing rhythm, the sound meshing together in a melody not altogether pleasant to the ears. It’s half past five and yet the light has to be kept on because that’s how dark the sky has gotten- thunder rolls like a loud crack, abrupt and deafening, causing Daisy to jump in her seat.

“Just a thunderstorm, flower,” Eggsy says. They’re seated at the dinner table, Eggsy going over her homework while David sits opposite them, hunched over his laptop as he attempts to finish a post mission report. Eggsy is half convinced he gave up ten minutes ago- he’s got his earbuds in and he hasn’t really typed anything in a while, eyes focused on the screen. His eyebrows are scrunched up in a glare that’s too adorable for his own good- and for Eggsy’s.

- from could feel like kryptonite. a lot of my kingsman fics are actually so much happier than my cherik ones... i should prob look into that rip

19.

“When you’re done lazing around you can come in, you dozy dog,” he tells Officer Oatmeal, who butts her nose into his knee. She’s the only one not on a diet in the house, Eggsy deeming her far too healthy and skinny to need one anyway. In fact, she’s under strict instructions by Eggsy to fatten up instead.

Once the animals are done feeding- Eggsy sporting a suspicious scratch on his left forearm- they settle down to eat their scrambled eggs and toast. David’s taken a large gulp of his scalding coffee when Eggsy says, all of a sudden, “So, I have a school reunion.”

- from gonna set this dance alight. don’t remember much about this either tbh

20. (the last one FINALLY)

It isn’t a big event or explosion that makes David realise he wants to see his father’s ring sitting pretty on Eggsy’s index finger. No teary confessions in the rain like in the rom coms Eggsy loves to rent out and sniffle his way through, or a fight that makes David see sense. In the end, it’s breakfast that cinches the deal for him.

The day had started out normally enough. David wakes up at eight like clockwork, the soft downy hair at the base of Eggsy’s neck tickling his nose with his arm locked tight around his waist. He’d yawned, exhausted- mostly because they’d stayed up very late into the night making good use of the bed- before standing up and shucking his shirt off to head for the shower. Eggsy had shifted in his sleep, mumbling something unintelligible, and the sight had been too endearing to resist so he’d bent down, pressing a kiss to his forehead and smiling when Eggsy groaned out loud.

- from lover boy rules. i actually started a lot of my kingsman fics in the same way which is rather awful of me. im glad thats changed with my xmen fics lmfjgjk. also this has 15 comments???? i dont even get that much attention with my xmcu fics these days... which is arguably a more active fandom... Hello

anyway that’s the end of it needless to say i do not know 10 other authors so im just gonna tag whoever i know rn: @hellfre , @queerneto, @ikeracity, @drinkingstars, @zebraljb

[in-a-constant-daydream6]

Completely & Utterly

Bucky x reader 

Word count: 2,052

A/N: this is my first attempt at writing so it’s probably awful lol :) feedback is very much appreciated and welcomed! hope you enjoy! (hopefully its not too bad) :)

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………

“Hey, you okay kid?” Tony asks his voice laced with concern. Returning back to reality your tear filled eyes find Tony’s. You quickly whisper a “yes” which is followed by a poor attempt at a smile. You hadn’t intended for it to come out as a whisper but the softness of Tony’s voice combined with your emotional state creates a lump in your throat. 

   The bar holds the usual chatter and warmth. It is classy yet cosy, and the monotonous downpour of rain only elevates the warmth and brightness of its interior. However, today Starks bar (called ‘The Iron Man’) didn’t bring the same joy it once did. In an attempt to hold your tears back, you take a sip of your lemonade. 

   Your hands pick at the corner of the beer mat whilst Tony places his hand on your shoulder, giving it a reassuring squeeze. “Well, if you need anything you know where to find me.” You nod and Tony makes his way back to the bar giving handshakes and quirky comments to those who come here regularly.

   It had been a year since your best friend Bucky had left for New York. One whole year. God, You shouldn’t be this heartbroken still. But you were because he wasn’t just your best friend, he was the person who made you laugh until your stomach ached with pain, he was the person you would have midnight phone calls with…he was the person who you shared your childhood with. You don’t know the exact moment you realised you loved him more than a friend, but maybe there wasn’t a moment. Maybe you had always loved him completely and utterly.

————————————————————————-

1 year ago (the day before Bucky left for New York) 

Huddled in a corner of the room, you and Nat speak in hushed tones. “Y/N you need to tell him before he leaves tomorrow.”

“I can’t” you stammer “this is a huge opportunity for him, I can’t just go up to him and say ‘hey Bucky I just wanted to say that I’m in love with you and I think I have been for like forever. Have a nice life in New York though,” exhaling a stressed sigh you massage your temple. Why couldn’t I have just plucked up the courage and told him years ago?!

“Y/N look at me. You are one of my closest friends - I consider you a sister, which is why I think you should tell him. I know the timing isn’t ideal.”

“Ideal?” You interrupt “Its awful. It would be selfish of me to tell him now.” 

“No it wouldn’t” Nat’s soft tone is comforting “you will be selfish if you don’t tell him. He should leave knowing your true feelings. Perhaps he feels the same way about you and he’s leaving because he thinks you don’t feel the same way.”

“And if he does feel the same way, which I highly doubt he does…what if he then decides to stay. I would feel terrible…I would feel like I was preventing him from reaching his absolute potential and like I was holding him back from chasing his dreams. You know how excited he is Nat.” You say with a dejected tone.

  There’s a silent pause.  Nat looks at you with a mixture of concern and sadness in her eyes. “Well whatever you decide just know that I’m here for you - no matter what.” She reaches for your hand and gives you a smile which evokes a warmth within you. What would you do without Nat? …What will you do without Bucky?

   You return her smile, although it doesn’t quite reach your eyes. “Thank you Nat, really, it means a lot. I don’t know where I’d be without you.”

“Your life would be hell without me” and she’s back to her usual playful self in which you are truly grateful for.

“Im not interrupting anything, am I?” Bucky asks. You look over your shoulder when Nat says “Of course not, I’m just heading to ladies so if you’ll excuse me,” which is followed by a reassuring wink.

  “Hey, I haven’t seen you much this evening. Is everything okay?”

  “Yeah” you weakly muster whilst trying to give a convincing smile.

  “It’s just…you’ve been kinda distant lately and that isn’t like you at all. We always tell each other everything, and I know I’m going to New York but it’s only one year, and you can come and visit, and we’ll FaceTime and call all the time.” He places his hand on your arm and gives you his signature smile, which never fails to send your heart flying.

 “Im fine, really….work has just been…stressful lately, thats all.” His glassy blue eyes search yours and you immediately know that he’s not buying it.

 “How long have we known each other Y/N? I know when your lying,” he runs his fingers through his hair and lets out a sigh, “I thought you’d be happy for me - I’d be happy for you. You know I thought I’d be able to spend my last day with my best friend, I thought we’d have a great day celebrating with all of our friends which would allow me to feel content before heading onto the plane…but I guess not.” he expresses, hurt entwined with every word. 

Thoughts are racing through your head, you thought you’d be able to carry on pretending for just one more day (obviously not). Your pause and absence of words cause Bucky to walk away. You promptly follow him to an empty room, you can still hear Steve and Sam’s laughter which seems to then blend into music and chatter.

   “Wait…Bucky” you plead, grabbing his arm. His muscles tense, making you realise how physically strong he has become - unlike his gawky teenage years.

   He stops and looks at you with hurt reflecting in his eyes, “What Y/N?”

   You don’t know whether a surge of courage or stupidity takes over you but you manage to muster the three words you have always wanted to tell him, “I-I…love you.”

   “What-what did you say?” his voice is subdued. You know he heard you but confusion forces him to ask anyway.

   “I love you Bucky, completely and utterly.” Your voice breaks and you can feel your eyes begin to fill with tears.

   “Why…why haven’t you told me…before?,” he shakes his head in confusion and rubs his face, “why are you telling me a day before I leave for New York?”

   “I promise you, I didn’t plan to tell you today”

He cuts in “So when were you going to tell me?! I can’t-I cant do this…not now.”

   Your heart breaks “okay,” your voice is almost a whisper, “I’m really sorry Buck, I really didn’t mean to do this right now but…” your voice trails away as you don’t know what else there is to say.

   He nods whilst biting his lip, “I know…you- um, don’t need to worry about coming to the airport with me tomorrow… it’s really early so…I’ll give you a ring when I get there.” He walks away before you can say anything, and you let the tears run down you cheeks.

   You don’t know how long you are standing there before Nat embraces you, cooing gently “it’s okay.”

———————————————————————

Back to present day

“You know if you smile that much you might pull a muscle.” Looking up you see one of your closest friends, Natasha. The redhead walks over to sit by you with a grin on her face and the usual mischievous glint in her eyes. You couldn’t help but reciprocate the grin. 

 “And why, might I add, are you drinking lemonade when we are supposed to be celebrating your new job?” She raises her eyebrows at you but then her demeanour changes. She places her hand on top of yours and you look up. “You heard about Bucky?”

You nod, scared that if you try to talk you’ll start crying. 

 You did speak to Bucky several times after that night but it was awkward, neither one of you knowing what to say, eventually the calls stopped. It hurt, and not just because he didn’t love you back but because you felt like you had lost your best friend. 

You tried your best to move on and you think Sam, Steve, Clint and Wanda believed it. However, Tony didn’t - but he didn’t pry and you appreciated that, he did however check to make sure that you were okay. Of course, Natasha knew that you were hurting and you were able to express your true emotions in front of her. 

You don’t know how many movies you watched together or how many times she held you while you broke down, but you did manage to move on with your life and things were…good. You and Nat still shared an apartment which was great, and every Saturday the others would come over for drinks and/or a movie (usually ending in fits of laughter). It was actually during the last Saturday get together, that you had overheard Steve and Sam talk about Bucky. And that’s when you heard he was going to propose to his girlfriend. It caught you by surprise, you knew he had been dating her for a while but you weren’t quite expecting a proposal. You had also heard Steve voice his concerns about Bucky and how he didn’t sound like his usual self, but Sam shrugged it off and said he was probably nervous about proposing.

................................................................................

   “I’m happy for him - really.” You gave your best attempt at a smile. Nat didn’t buy it but she didn’t say anything further as the others had arrived and were heading towards your table. Sam was first to wrap his arms around you, “Congratulations! Wow, a journalist! Well, if you need any interesting stories-”

“She wont go to you,” Nat interjects, a grin plastered on her face.

Everyone laughs and Steve slaps slam on the back, “you were asking for that.” They all give you a hug and express how proud they are of you and your new job.

Before sitting down Sam asks Tony for drinks. “You do know that I own this place. I don’t work as a waiter. And anyway, I’m off duty now. I’ve spent all day having meetings and talking about possible events, so this is my time to relax and enjoy myself.”

“Don’t worry I’ll get them” Clint states rolling his eyes.

You actually managed to put Bucky aside from your thoughts, and were enjoying your evening. You looked at the faces sitting around the table, laughing and joking, and you couldn’t help but smile. You were so thankful to have them in your life.

“Another round?” You ask which gets a chorus of enthusiastic yeahs, making you giggle.

You head over to the bar and relay the list of drinks to the bartender. Waiting for your drinks you tap your fingers on the counter and glance around the bar. That is until your eye catches a familiar face entering the bar. Your heart drops.

“Bucky?” You muster.

“Hey,” his eyes drop to the ground and he gives a shy smile, “its been a while.”

A mixture of shock and confusion leaves you speechless, “what-what are you…doing here? I thought you were in New York?”

You search his eyes before properly taking a look at him. You then notice he’s cut his hair short, its not long like it once was. You realise you’re staring, so you avert your gaze.

There’s a long pause, and you both just stand there awkwardly.

You go to say something when he says, “I’ve missed you…and yes I am supposed to be in New York. As much as I love New York, its not home-”

“I thought you were getting engaged-“

This time Bucky is the one to interrupt, “No, well, Sharon kept saying how she wanted to get married and everyone just assumed that I would propose. She’s great but the truth is I didn’t love her, I was able to fool myself for a while but…she just wasn’t you.”

He shrugs and gives you a sad smile, “I love you Y/N… completely and utterly….”

[trulymadlysydney]

OKAY no one asked and this is long as shit but I have to share my dream because it was SO GOOD and I need you all to suffer with me

So first of all Harry was playing at a university but it was like a small theater, SO of course my ass went, and this has nothing to do with the softness but it was funny because there was like a whole thing where Camille and her friends were gonna go down on the stage and dance with him during Watermelon Sugar just as like a HEY LOOK WE ARE FRIENDS NOW kind of thing I guess fhdjdkdjdhs

Anyway so I went to the show and I  found her sitting in the crowd with sunglasses on lol and for some reason I WENT UP TO HER and I was like “omg are you Camille hi” and I started talking to her lmao but she was super nice to me and she was telling me all about her boyfriend but she was like “I mean hopefully this whole show thing goes over well with everyone... like with me going down there to dance and all” and I was like 🥴 but I was trying to be reassuring like “honestly girl yeah make the girlies jealous it’s what you deserve” and she laughed and she was like “you’re RIGHT it is what I deserve!” which like....  Dream Sydney..... girl....... anyway

So at some point during the show my stupid ass went out to go to the bathroom and when I came out of the bathroom Camille had also left for the bathroom, and security wasn’t letting people back in yet because I guess inside the theater they were filming something.  Idk it was weird like I guess they could only open and close the doors between songs  because they were filming and didn’t want to disrupt? Anyway so Camille and I were sitting and talking outside the doors while we waited and then a huge FIGHT erupted and we were both like oHHHHH BITCH HELLO? And we just watched this fight break out like it was fuckin crazy and someone lit something on fire and the fire alarm went off and we were like well FUCK

So we got separated during the evacuation (this is the end of the Camille portion of my dream lol) and I went into this little room with like church pews and there was only like a handful of people in there so I was like alright I’ll just wait in here.  And a few minutes later IN WALKS MR STYLES HIMSELF!! and he’s like “hi, you guys mind if I join you and wait it out in here?” And all of us are like hello NOT AT ALL COME ON IN

SO he comes in and sits in the pew behind me and all of us are like, trying to remain calm and not make it into a big deal. We’re like just talking to him casually like we’re all just friends. And so at one point he’s talking to the guy next to him so I start talking to the girl next to me and I mention like “man I’m so mad I had to miss that last song cause of the fire drill thing!” 

And for some reason I had my laptop and she was like “it was being live-streamed, I’m sure you could watch it online!” And I laughed and I was like “I mean that’s kind of an overload... I was actually there watching it with my own eyeballs and now I’m sitting here with Harry literally right behind me and I’m gonna watch a Harry video on my laptop?  That’s too much Harry.” And we laughed and then I added “not that my brain isn’t like that 24/7”

And I kinda turned in my seat and I jumped because FUCKIN HARRY HAD MOVED TO SIT RIGHT THE FUCK NEXT TO ME and he was just smiling all smug waiting for me to finish what I was saying ABOUT HIM fl;akdjlk;fjdlkf and I was like “oh my god you scared me” and he laughed and was like “sorry 🙂😋😌”

So he and I started talking and he was like “I mean you can pull it up online if you really want to! You didn’t miss much. I don’t think I sound right tonight anyway... can you tell I have allergies?” And I was like “oh my god what no you don’t sound like you have allergies at all!” And he was all smiley and he was like “what about now?” And made like a gross sniffing noise where you could tell he had a lot of snot.., which dhdjskskshdh why would he do that lmao but I was like “no you still sound fine” and we were cracking up and he did it again and he goes “now?”

Anyway so SOMEHOW we all ended up in a car together because he liked us and was like “you guys wanna just come over and like watch a movie and stuff?” and we were all like HELLO OF COURSE???? SO we’re in this car and I’m sitting in the middle seat and Harry’s on my left and we’re all talking about what movies we like and snacks and stuff like that, and the whole time he’s texting and I’m trying so so hard not to read his texts fjl;dkfldjs BUT HES SO ENGAGED WITH US STILL LIKE WHILE HE’S TEXTING!!! And at some point he said something and I jokingly was like “awwww Harry” and laid my head on his shoulder and HE! LAID! HIS! HEAD! ON! TOP! OF! MINE!!!!!!

AND LIKE you know when you do that with people it usually only lasts a few seconds and then you both move? He did not move like he just kept it there with NO SIGN of moving so in my head I’m like alright I live here now!!! 

So he like sighed and was like “I’m trying to get my mom’s login information so we can watch this one movie but she’s like, not making sense....” and the bitch HANDS ME HIS PHONE and is like “Like, read this and tell me if this makes sense to you.” So FIRST OF ALL I accidentally saw some of his other messages and like ALL of his contacts had emojis by their names or like funny nicknames  and in my head I’m like ..... do I tell tumblr about the emojis or do I keep this to myself fd;kafdslfj and I ultimately decided to just keep it to myself sorry yall

So I read through his texts with Anne and he was like asking her for her login information for this movie app thing and she sent this long ass message like “Oh my gosh, son you are so blessed, we were watching you on the tv and we could not have been more proud. Linda came over tonight and sends her love! Did you know she’s a Libra also? Anyway, you should watch xyz movie (I don’t remember the title she put) because we watched it the other night and it was good!” And Harry had replied something like “did daddy like the movie as well?” And I guess in my dream Robin was alive and that’s who Harry was referring to 🥺

And I started laughing and he did too and he shook his head and was like “I love her but I just need the login information” And I was like “Libra moms, am I right?” And he was cracking up and he was like “Libra moms.” And his head was STILL ON MINE and he reached over and put his hand on my knee and kinda squeezed a little AND THEN MY FUCKIN ALARM WENT OFFFFFFF IM SO UPSET 

[pinkykitten]

I was tagged by @writing-with-melon I hope my answers aren’t complete waste or if time and if so I’m sorry and I love you

Rules: Answer ten 10 questions, ask 10, and tag 10 people

1. What song automatically plays in your head when you look out the window on a long drive? 

i dont really have an answer for this. i think i just automatically think about any song ive been listening to recently or any song that has been stuck in my head. 

2.  Do you have some snacks nearby when you write?

well i live in a two story house so the kitchen is downstairs and im usually lazy busy so since i have a mini fridge upstairs i just usually get water to drink while im writing. its kinda hard to eat and write cuz i loose focus really easily so when i am writing i am writing! i am in the zone! but if i am a little hungry ill usually snack on candy like chocolate kinder joys i love them but they r so expensive or snack on chips but i get like salt on my fingers or i like cheetos so cheetos dust and that just gets everywhere and later my hands and keyboard kinda smell like fart. 3. What do you do to combat creative burnout?

so burnout happens to me a lot so to get inspiration i either read other stories or fanfics which gets my head gears turning or i admire a piece of art or photography or a song. whats so unique and satisfying with writing you can explore and go anywhere with it, hehehe erotic if you know what i mean lol jk there are no barriers with writing just your imagination. there is inspiration any where you go and id advise to never stop writing. even if its a few short sentences or paragraphs about anything even bird poop its still progression and your mind is working and your searching for words like its all good for you bby.  4. Do you use (or like to use) prompts? 

i do ill put the link here. im thinking of changing it though to do something different. 

5. What is your favorite place to write?

lol boring, i know but my room. my room is really bright in the mornings and comfortable and chill and i have a candle of the pandora ride in disney that smells like the ride so its all good and relaxing and super peaceful plus i have a picture of myself the age of like 9 on my desk idk why but it encourages me and makes me focus to make sure i never get that cringy again. 

6. What is a hobby or yous that you usually don’t talk about?

well i like working out HAHAHAHAHA jk that was a joke...get it...cuz i much rather be eatingokillstop. but i really like to draw which i have a art page you can see it if you click here pls look at my failed attempts to be hip and cool with the cool kids and being artsy fartsy. another hobby is i really like to do makeup and nail art, nail art is really tough guys no joke if you do it like you got wizard powers are something. maybe its bc my nails are shorter than pete davidson and ariana grande’s relationship, alright im trying to stop i swear!

7. Do you play an instrument? Which one?

no i wish though. i always wanted to learn to either play the piano or electric guitar cuz H.E.R looks so cool doing it. 

8. How do you feel about your handwriting?

it sucks dont even try me. my sister can barely read it like no wonder nobody wants to steal my signature heck they can’t even read it!

9. Can you tell us of a story that marked your development as a person? As a writer?

ok sit back guys, sniff a nice amount of crack and get ready for the most cringy moment of my life but also a time when i knew i was meant to be *inhale* a fanfic writer. 

so it was elementary school, i think 3rd grade and for my writing assignment we were given a prompt of idk what the heck tbh i think it was like be outside the box and im like ok imma nail this cuz im a weird child and yeah so i got my papers and pencil and i went TO TOWN on this paper. so i wrote two stories. one short story with a picture to go with it and one long story that yeah i buried years ago. so my first story was about a farmer was about that farming life. he had chickens and dairy. so i cant remember if the cheese was spoiled but doesnt matter. anywho these cheese and a chicken were alive like they could talk in the story and i gave them faces, yikes. but the whole story was the farmer was a b*tch and he was trying to eat the chicken and cheese so they hatched a plan to get away from the farmer. they did it successfully and they ran away. yay happy ending my teacher actually liked that one me too and my school mates were thinking what they heck is this girl on i made a story about how me and justin bieber made cookies for Christmas you know. so then my other story i was more proud of this one cuz it was a tone of paper, sorry trees, and this story was about how a female hippo (girl i was all about plus size and thicker girls and no body shaming) and an male ostrich were kidnapped from their own habitats and taken to become circus animals. failed version of Madagascar hey mine was before the circus movie OK THEY STOLE IT FROM MEEEEE. so they get taken and are treated to harsh punishment and the animals can talk and i think its in the point of view of the male ostrich guy thing. they are in the circus and they start to have this relationship happening. love starts blossoming its all good. im happy with this cuz i believed in love at age of 8. they find a way thru a kick butt scene of the animals escaping and the hippo and ostrich are so in love that they run away together and they have half hippo half ostrich babies and i think i named the species  hipstrich or like ostppo idk but i was so proud of this story and when my teacher read it she was worried about me lol i think she thought i might like mate these two animals like secretly idk but she was like it was ok and i was like what this is frickin William Shakespeare writing or like F. Scott Fitzgerald writing. nevertheless it taught me a lesson that nobody else needs to like what im writing the main point and only thing that matters is if your proud of it and you like it and i really did. i will remember that story forever and thats what made me want to be a writer. lol sorry that was a lot. 

10. @emdop I’m going to use this great question: Explain one of your WIPs in the most ridiculous way possible. 

wellllll im working on my peaky blinders oc story its a lot of drugs money killing weapons jewelry rich profanities like its the show but written from my stubby hands so my oc and whatever its great and so excited to show it to you guys. 

MY QUESTIONS:

1. WHAT MADE YOU WANT TO START TUMBLR?

2. IF YOU COULD CHANGE ANYTHING OF THIS WORLD, WHAT WOULD IT BE?

3. WHAT QUALITY IS IMPORTANT TO YOU?

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE OUTFIT?

5. WHAT MAKES YOU SMILE?

6. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SONG IN THE WHOLE WORLD?

7. IF YOU COULD VISIT A PLACE, WHERE WOULD IT BE?

8. WHAT SHOW OR MOVIE UNIVERSE WOULD YOU WANT TO BE IN?

9. WHAT IS THE SCARIEST MOMENT OF YOUR LIFE?

10. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE IN THIS WORLD THAN ANYTHING ELSE?

im tagging: @thatlittlered, @ardentmuse, @acciosnapes, @lotsoffandomimagines, @collecting-stories, @blog-of-a-multitude-of-fandoms, @naughtyneganjdm, @lenahellgizibe and two random followers @spiritsent, @sucker-for-my-fandoms

i was tagged by @writing-with-melon again ty btw, ps i felt so much pressure lol jk 😊

Rules: Answer 5 questions, Ask 5 questions, Tag 5 people.

1. What is your favorite book?

fifty shades of grey hahaha naw my favorite book is obv you all know this is series of unfortunate events but i never usually cry period and i never cry for books ever so when i read mrs. tom thumb by melanie benjamin, its the part when her sister minnie dies i cried so hard idk it was just emotional the wording the way she described her pain it was so beautiful written yet so sad and that was just amazing to me cuz im like this book made me feel things and im like wow i would love to write a book one day and make someone feel something whether it be sadness anger happiness annoyance anything they are having an emotion and that is super powerful to do that with just words. pls go check out that book its a good read. also im a fan of the greatest showman so i really enjoyed it. there are many other books tho that i thoroughly enjoy so much. 

2. What piece that you’ve written are you most proud of?

oh my god ive always wanted to be asked this question hands down i am always proud of my platonic gender neutral tony stark fic called in·con·sol·a·ble window to me i wrote it so sad and i was feeling like depressed lol when i saw peter die in infinity war like i didnt know what to do with my life tbh but im so glad that @impetrichorny requested it tysm i just like how its not based on romance or fluff or happiness it is based on when you lose someone the nightmares and sadness you go through and that there is nothing nobody can do about it except just be there for that person so i really like writing angst and something that was out of the box. ive been thinking tho of doing a part two since the fate of all the characters has changed after endgame. who knows tho. 

3. What is the last song that inspired you? 

well for art it would have to good news by mac miller when i did that kobe bryant memorial on my art page. i dont want to give it away though but ill just say some very powerful womens music inspired my oc writing and making. 

4. How do you feel about letting people read what you write?

at first i was scared cuz i thought i wrote like trash which that feeling kinda doesnt go away like some days i feel that way others i feel confident or it depends on the request it just depends but anyways i was always insecure about my writing so when i started writing it was more like lets see how this goes if not ill delete the whole page. im glad to say it went great but in the begging it was hard cuz i kept putting myself down but i learned to accept or just understand that you keep learning with writing you always learn knew things with writing how you can explain something better or you words get more intricate and people see the improvement and you do too thats why i applaud those who dont speak english that english isnt their first language. you are doing a tremendous job and keep practicing cuz you’re gonna make it to the top. ive also learned that some days are not my days and you can take time off when youre not feeling it when you have writers block. just recollect your juices sip some tea go to the beach relax your mind a little and take as long as you need to come back and give it your all. also comments and reblogs and likes a follows those meant so much to me and encouraged me. thats why i cant express it enough how much all those mean to writers, artist, photographers, anybody who is truly trying their hard in this area of social media. its makes a person happy smile and confident in their writing but first train your mind into loving what you make not what others thing. you have to be happy with the outcome that is what truly matters and what makes your writing the best. look at me getting philosophical. 

5. Do you get distracted easily? If yes with what?

yes and with porn haha i get distracted easily like very easily homeschooling was really tough for me. music distracts me, netflix, the urge to watch david dobrik or unus annus or buzzfeed unsolved on youtube, heck my farts distract me. i gotta be like troy bolton i gotta get my HEAD IN THE GAME!

MY QUESTIONS:

1. IF YOU COULD BE NAMED SOMETHING ELSE, WHAT WOULD YOU BE NAMED?

2. WHAT PERSON INSPIRES YOU THE MOST?

3. IF YOU KNEW THE WORLD WAS ENDING TOMORROW WHAT WOULD YOU DO TODAY?

4. WHAT DO YOU OFTEN THINK ABOUT IN THE SHOWER?

5. WHATS YOUR WEIRD COMBINATION FOOD?

im tagging: @thatlittlered​, @ardentmuse​, @acciosnapes​, @lotsoffandomimagines​, @collecting-stories​ AND WHOEVER WANTS TO DO THIS IF YOU FOLLOW ME OR LIKE MY STORIES TAG ME ILL READ YOUR ANSWERS. HOPE I DID THIS RIGHT SORRY FOR TAKING SO LONG YOU GUYS ARE AMAZING MWUAH 

[lateasalways]

(Damn, I had to make a new post because something weird happened to the cut when I edited, it went into the ask itself and isn’t working and I can’t fix it lmao, sorry!) 

Anon asked:

it would be interesting to me if you made a post about the elton books you have read. like how they differ and your opinion on them. ive only read Me but im interested in finding some other reads

Hi!  I’m sorry this took so long, I’ve suddenly been CRAZY busy with work now that there’s proper concerts happening again (and yay for that), but Anon, you have no idea how much I would like to answer that question and I’ve been thinking about it all week lmao, I think it’s super interesting to look at the differences between them. So of course I went amok and wrote way too long so just bare with me.

I’ve read 5 books in full and I’ve listed them in the order in which I read them.

1. Me by Elton John. You’ve all read that so I don’t have to explain it. It was the first one I read and my fav thing about it is how funny it is, and of course it’s very personal and therefore more emotional than some of the others. I absolutely love it and I honestly haven’t read a book that has engaged me so much in yeeeeaars, I would recommend that book to anyone, not only Elton fans.

2. Captain Fantastic by Tom Doyle. This book focuses on the 70s (but also includes his childhood/youth). I thought it was a great supplement  to Me, because many of the same stories are in there, but since the time span is shorter, it’s more detailed, and we get to hear other people’s versions of the events. What I particularly found interesting is the part about Elton breaking through in America. He’s always described it as sheer luck and being at the right place at the right time himself, and I’m sure that’s his experience of it, but that’s not what happened. I find that extremely fascinating. Here we get to hear from his first American label who basically got Empty Sky for free because it had been rejected by many others. Before they got the chance to release it Elton John came out which is obviously a step up production wise and they dropped everything and started pushing that album instead. Everyone at the label thought it was so great they really went all in with the promotion and managed to create a hype even though he was a complete unknown and that’s how he got the Troubadour gig. This book in several ways I think show that Elton is too humble when it comes to his talent, like you don’t get to headline over established and popular artists before the most important people in the industry as an unknown by sheer luck. It happened because the album was so great, the label were convinced he was going to be a star and they went for it. I really liked the book in general. Even though there is no shocking new info there, it shines a different light on several stories from Me which I find very interesting.

3. Sir Elton by Philip Norman. This book is about his life up until 1991 and it’s really long and super detailed, like some impressive work went into this one. (I listened to the audio book on scribd as they had a 30-day free trial because of corona, I don’t know if that’s still an offer but if it is I really recommend it.) It’s  a bit weird because on one side the author managed to detail and capture Elton’s personality SO well (he’s said so himself too) and the way he writes makes some of the stories so vivid it almost felt like watching a movie. I actually found myself getting as emotional as I did reading Me at several points, like I literally shed tears here and there. But then on the other side, there are several things that bothers me a lot about this book. First of all it seems like Norman for some reason think Stanley was a great father and is trying to convince us that Elton is wrong about everything he’s said about him. Like, why? He’s clearly talked a lot with his 2nd wife Edna and her perspective is obviously very different from Elton’s. But some of his points are just really weird like f.x. he says that Elton says his dad didn’t care about him but this is wrong because he actually had a framed photo of him in his room when he was in the RAF. Like….????? How does that prove anything? As long as Elton didn’t know about it, it means fuck all! You don’t get a gold star because you keep a framed photo of your only son wtf? Another example: One Christmas after the divorce Elton didn’t get a present or a card or anything. But this was because they had very little money and their new son was ill. Well that’s sad, but Elton didn’t know that? You could at least have called and explained it or just sent a card to let him know you were thinking of him too? The whole problem is that he didn’t SHOW that he loved him or was proud of him, he can have as many framed photos he likes but that doesn’t matter when you never show any kind of affection. Another example cause I’m on a roll: Edna says Elton in fact enjoyed his visits to them (which he himself has said he hated) she says he used to sit alone and play with their typewriter. That sounds sad AF??? Why are you trying to convince me this is great parenting? I know it was a different time but fuck! One thing I do believe though is that Sheila probably helped along the narrative that Stanley was awful, I think it’s very likely that she has exaggerated or even made up stories about him, but that’s not Elton’s fault. Another downside with the book (imo) is that Norman is apparently the world’s biggest fan of Dick James and there’s just sooo much boring stuff about Dick James there, I’m sorry but when he starts talking about Dick James I recommend you fast forward. The whole point is to set up the court case between him and Elton that happened in the 80s (in which he clearly thinks Dick was in the right) but I’m just not interested in that at all. If you are though, this is the book for you lol. Then there’s the things the author got wrong. First of all, he didn’t know about Elton’s drug use which is quite essential. Although you can easily read between the lines of what the interviewees are saying, so it’s not that distracting. Second, he seems to believe that Elton is actually bisexual which he obviously isn’t (and before I get accused of bi-erasure, he has said so himself time and time again that he’s never been interested in women and his coming out as bi in 76 was a “chicken out”) and it really bothered me cause it reads a bit homophobic to me as he seems to believe Sheila when she said that he “wouldn’t have been gay if it weren’t for show business.” So I’m a bit conflicted about this book. It has more negatives than the others but the good parts are SO SO GOOD. I would be very interested in hearing other people’s opinions about it.

4. Elton John by David Buckley. Another one I listened to on Scribd. This is a quite new one so certain things have come to light which makes it more accurate. It’s another book that didn’t have  a lot of groundbreaking new information, but he’s for some reason the only one who’s talked to Gary Osbourne and he has a lot of interesting things to tell. I think Gary deserves more credit and he was very close to Elton in a very interesting part of his career/life so it’s worth reading for that. This book is also about his whole life but way shorter than Sir Elton so obviously not as detailed, but there’s some fun stuff and new anecdotes in there.

5. Elton, my Elton by Gary Clarke. Gary was Elton’s on/off boyfriend between 1982 and 83 (ish) and obviously knows him in a way these other authors don’t. I was a bit unsure about reading this as I think it’s a bit tasteless to expose someone to that extent (and he goes into some seriously intimate details), but otoh I felt like it was kind of the missing puzzle piece so I bought it in the end (on ebay) and I can’t really say if it actually answered the questions I had or just gave me more. I thought Elton was weird before reading this and it certainly didn’t make me think he’s any less weird. It starts kind of cute, it almost reads like one of those self-insert popstar fanfics at first (not that I’ve ever purposely read any of that but you know, it’s hard to be on tumblr without stumbling upon that stuff now and again) but then it gets really dark. Which is because Elton apparently was clean when they first met but then after some time he started spiraling, so it’s just… it actually made me a bit nauseous tbh and it’s so frustrating too, I genuinely yelled “Elton, no!” out loud at one point lmao. But I have already talked at length about this book, particularly what I found disturbing about it and you can find that post here. If you’re interested in reading this book though, you should be warned there’s some rapey content, (though to be clear, that has nothing to do with Elton) and dubious consent.

So anon, since you’re looking for some further reading, these are all good and interesting books I think. It’s a bit hard to say which one I liked best because obviously, for every book I read there’s less new info. But then all of the books have stories I hadn’t heard before so they’re all worth reading if you’re crazy obsessive like me and wants to know absolutely everything lol. I really enjoyed reading all of them (well enjoy isn’t the right word for Gary’s book but yk.) so I guess you should just consider what sounds more interesting to you and go for that :) If you take away the negatives I think Sir Elton is probably the one I enjoyed the most, while Elton, my Elton is the most revealing. Elton John is more complete while Captain Fantastic is really good if you’re more interested in the 70s and his breakthrough.

Thank you so much for the ask! I hope you found what you were looking for and enjoy some further reading! To anyone else who might be reading this: if you have thoughts on any of these books or things you want to discuss, please, my inbox is open! :D

[askthetotallynotdehsquad]

kleinsen being good and soft

Ava: teehee (Evan doesn’t know Jared likes him yet)

——————

Evan: *packing bc he’s sleeping over at Jared’s house??*

Jared: *puking up flowers and blood cause hanahaki*

Evan: *knocks on the Jared’s door* Jaredddddddd

Jared: f-fuck um- oNE S-SECOND- *pukes more and one whole flower and then stops cause thats all of them for today lol xD*

Evan: *puts his headphones on bc he’s waiting??*

Jared: *cleans up the bathroom and wipes his eyes cause he was crying cause it hurt and puts the flower in a bowl where he kept all of them cause it's a water lily cause I like them and opens the door for evan* hi, sorry I took so long, come in

Evan: *puts his headphones around his neck* it’s fine dude *walks in* I haven’t been here in forever oh my god-

Jared: *rubs the back of his neck* heh- yeah

Evan: *looks at thy Jared very concerned* you okay dude? I’m surprised you haven’t made a joke by now

Jared: im surprised you haven't kissed a tree! I'm fine, lol

Evan: *giggly boye* you sure?- Wait, why are your eyes so red? Are you smoking weed?!

Jared: um- yes?

Evan: uh- where should I put my bags? I don’t know if any of the house rules changes- since last time you didn’t let me touch anything-

Jared: we can bring them to my room cause thats where we're sleeping I guess

Evan: okay? *runs upstairs and falls in the process* OW

Jared: oh shoot- are you okay? *runs over to evan*

Evan: yeah- I just tripped that’s all! *smiley boye* *walks into thy Jared’s room*

Jared: *follows the evan* uh so you can sleep on my bed and I can sleep on the floor or whatever

Evan: dude it’s your house- I’ll sleep on the floor-

Jared: well like you’re the guest or something I don’t know

Evan: hhhhhh *flops on his bed* what do you wanna do

Jared: I dont know- wanna watch a movie?

Evan: sure! *sits up and sits against the pillows*

Jared: *sits next to evan* ummm... let's watch..... uh.... *puts on Hercules cause yes* this.

Evan: dork *giggly boye*

Jared: *red boye* shush-

Evan: wow Jared Kleinmen is blushing, from Evan Hansen- who ever thought

Jared: ugh- *hides face* i hate you tree man

Evan: love you too bathbomb

Jared: *feels a lump in his throat because I researched and like if you get affection from the person you love the symptoms get worse* um- i need to use the bathroom be right back *walks to the bathroom*

Evan: okay!

Jared: *locks the door and starts hanahaki-ing for like 5 minutes*

Evan: *walks to the bathroom door and knocks on it* you okay dude?

Jared: yep! I'm g-good just give me a s-second- *hanahki-s a full water lily cause thats what his flower is apparently* *also thats how he knows it's over for now*

Evan: okay! I’ll be in your room- I’ll pause the movie for you!

Jared: o-okay! *coughs up some more blood and cleans up*

Like- 5 minutes later: skskksksk

Jared: *walks in to his room and puts the lily in the water bowl*

Evan: you have...water Lily’s in your...bathroom?

Jared: a lot has changed, evan. *sigh* a lot

Evan: *sighs and hugs the Jared*

Jared: *blushes and hugs the tree* soooooo... why are you hugging me?

Evan: you seemed sad- and you don’t get enough love

Jared: *metaphorically melts into the hug and lays his head on Evans shoulder*

Ali: (I'm sorry im so used to being a bottom)

Ava: (Dont worry dude bc same)

Evan: *ruffles the Jared’s hair* you okay?

Jared: ......huh? What? Wait yeah I'm good haha *stops hugging the evan and is v red* so uh- wanna keep watching the movie?

Evan: sure! *sits on his bed and closes the blinds so it can be dark* it’s like a real movie theater!

Jared: yeah! *in his mind cause I feel like it 😋 (how in the fucking fuck can someone be so god damn cute-)

Ava: dang Jared

Evan: *unpauses the movie and leans against the pillows* *puts an oversized hoodie on uwu*

Jared: *(what in the frick frack cracker jack)

Evan: *rests his head on Jared’s shoulder teehee*

Jared: *blushblushblush*

Evan: is it bad I’ve never seen this movie-

Jared: I mean i dont know I guess?? *worried he'll have another hanahaki attack with all this love ;-;*

Evan: Jared...are you okay? Ever since I got here you’ve looked like you’re going to throw up- should I leave?

Jared: nonononono!!! It's fine!! I'm fine!!

Evan: *hugs the Jared from the side* no you arentttttt

Jared: e-evan i- *starts coughing up blood*

Ali: (he wasn't gonna confess he was just flustered :/)

Evan: holy shoot! Oh my god!- *runs to get towels*

Jared: *keeps coughing up blood and now- some flower petals*

Evan: *comes back with towels and sits down in front of Jared then looks at him* here du- are those...flowers?

Jared: n-no. Y-y-yes? *starts sobbing cause it hurts a lot ouchies* i-im s-so-sorry *coughs up more petals and blood*

Evan: hey hey hey- it’s okay Jare- I know what this is- cough it all up *rubs his back*

Jared: *starts coughing up wayyy more and even some full lilys bc like I said affection makes it worse*

Evan: oh shoot sorry! I forgot- *steps away from the Jared*

Jared: *coughs up a bit more and one like- huge heccin lily thats glowy pink (normally theyre white) :0*

Evan: oh my god..-

Jared: i-im sorry I'll- I'll clean this up- *starts cleaning up quickly and gently puts the pink one in the center of the bowl*

Evan: y-you like m-m-me..-

Jared: what?! No thats- thats insane haha-

Evan: y-yeah....insane

Jared: *picks up the bowl, sits down, and puts it on his lap* *oh and pushes them around gently with his finger*

Evan: Jared....can I um...tell you something?

Jared: hm?

Evan: I um....please don’t hate me- but...Ive liked you for awhile now. You’ve been really nice to me lately and I never knew why, but now I do. It’s fine if you have hanahaki because of Connor- it’s fine if you don’t like me- I’m just hoping this doesn’t trigger it-

Some of the smaller flowers: *die*

Jared: wait- wait hold up- wait- wait really? *starts crying* no no... no youre just playing with me- this is all a dream- stop- no-

Evan: Jared, I’m not messing with you...you aren’t dreaming- I like you

Jared: ohmygosh- oh- ohmygosh- *puts the bowl back down on the table and is still muttering ohmygosh to himself* *blushy boye*

Evan: *laughs a little* calm down Jare

Jared: *sits back down and looks at the ground* you know... I had.. that was 29 flowers.. one more and.. I wouldve died......

Evan: am I allowed to like...- touch you now?

Jared: yeah-

Evan: *hugs the jared*

Jared: *leans on the evan*

Evan: *pulls away from the Jared and looks at him then....kisses him teehee*

Jared: *flustered for a moment but then kisses him back*

Evan: Jared, I- I love you

Jared: I love you too you dweeb *kisses him agian but more make-outy?????*

Ava: Ali what-

Evan: *big blush man*

Jared: *pulls apart and gives him a look like is this okay cause catie told me once that you should do that*

Ali: (shush I dont know what words are)

Evan: *laughs* Jared you are such a dork, I love it

Jared: w-wELL-?!

Evan: *giggly boye*

Jared: *smiles* just kiss me already you acorn *kisses the evan agAiN*

Evan: *kisses thy Jared*

Jared: *runs his fingers through thy Evans hair*

Ava: Ali- where is this going

Evan: *big blush man*

Jared: *makes out with evan wow I did it im proud of myself :)*

-later-

Evan: *his hair is all messed up* so that happened-

Jared: *red boye* yeah-

Evan: you’re a good kisser Kleinmen

Jared: *giggle sk* no u

Evan: uno reverse card *giggle sk*

Jared: ugh fineeeeee- *fixes his glasses cause they were tilted cause ;)*

Evan: well I never got to watch the movie- I guess I’m too hot to handle

Jared: pretty much

Evan: o-oh I was j-joking- *hides under the blanket*

Jared: *giggles* youre such a dweeb

Evan: *still under the blanket* shushhhh

Jared: *goes under the blanket and cuddles the evan*

Evan: *pink boye* *wraps his arms around the Jared*

Jared: *falls asleep*

-a couple hours later-

Evan: *poking thy Jared* Jareeeeee wake uppppp

Jared: *wakes up* momm its nott- oh hey evan-! *blush boy*

Evan: I never knew I looked like your mom *laughs*

Jared: nO thats disgusting eww- she just- normally wakes me up on Saturdays thinking its school. She's werid.

Evan: how- it’s Saturday?? I can’t even remember anymore

Jared: *shrugs* I have a good memory I guess

Evan: I’m just gonna say, I never thought in a million years, the Jared Kleinmen would like cuddles

Jared: *giggles* oh evan you dont even know

Evan: what else are you hiding from me

Jared: *becomes way to red to even speak* noTHINg-

Evan: tell meeeeeee pweaseeeee

Jared: *hides under his blanket* nO-

Evan: Jared I swear to god if you’re kinky like my brother-

Jared: no ew gross what huh

Evan: tell me Jare Bearrrrr

Jared: no-

Evan: hmmmmmm okay fineeeee *stares at the Jared* you’re really pretty...-

Jared: youre really hot

Evan: oh I- I- um..- *v v v v v v red*

Jared: *giggly boye*

Evan: that was very unnecessary Kleinmen *crosses his arms while being v v v red*

Jared: it's true

Evan: *puts his hand on his cheek and kisses him teehee*

Jared: *pulls him closer and kisses him back*

Evan: this is very gay

Jared: *finger guns* yeperino!

Evan: *giggly boye* you are so weird, but I love you

Jared: can we get back to kissing? (Please? Yo. Every action has an-)

Ava: equal opposite reaction-

Evan: o-oh y-yeah- *kisses the Jared*

Jared: *kisses the evan but ~~ly*

Evan: *is basically in Jared’s lap at this point-*

Jared: *has his arms wrapped around Evans hips ;))*

Evan: *has his arms wrapped around Jared’s neck;))*

Jared: *kisses evan but more ;))-y*

Evan: *big blush man*

Jared: *keeps kissing Thy evan shook :0*

Evan: okay Jared calm down *giggly boye*

Jared: *shrugs* youre just a really good kisser, acorn *stares at Thy evan smiling :)*

Evan: shush bathbomb

Jared: *in an amazingly good British accent because I feel like Jared would have a amazingly good British accent* oh evan my good sir, youre such a peach *kisses Evans hand* now if you'll excuse me for a moment, i shall go get food *goes to get food*

Evan: Jared wha- dork!

Jared: *yells from the kitchen* treeboy!

Evan: Adorable!

Jared: goddamn you! *comes back to his room and he has um.. spaghetti* f o o d

Evan: my mom knew this was going to happen- she knew you liked meeeeeeee *looks at the Jared*

Jared: well your mom is smart *we eating*

Evan: oh and I uh- I bought you something the other day- *gives him a bathbomb*

Jared: you know me so well *wipes a fake tear from his eye* ironically, i got something for you! *goes under his bed and grabs a succulent and gives it to evan* you can name it if you want-

Evan: *:0* I love it!! *hugs the Jared*

Jared: yay! *hugs the evan*

Evan: *snuggles in the Jared XD owo*

Jared: *plays with evans hair 0w0*

Evan: jare...will you be my boyfrienddddd

Jared: *straight face* no of course not... *smiles really wide and kisses the evan* dUDE OF COURSE!!! *v v smiley boye*

Evan: *breaks into a giggly fit and falls out of the Jared’s grip* yayyyyy

Jared: *teehee* hey evannnn guess whattttttttttttttttttt

Evan: whatttttttt

Jared: I love you *giggly boye oWO

Evan: I love you toooo!

Jared: so what are you gonna name the little guy? *sits on the ground with evan cause he fell or something and puts thy succulent in his lap*

Evan: hm...jelly bean!

Ali: im gonna make jared be able to do any accent really well and you can't stop me

Jared: *commits cowboy accent* howdy there jelly bean what are you doin' round these here parts

Evan: Jared what the hell!? *laughing*

Jared: *starts laughing too and is still committing cowboy accent* what? this is how I talk! Ya got a problem with that mister? *laughing so much sksjsksmskk*

Evan: n-no! This is just- *continues laughing*

Jared: *dies laughing and back to normal jared voice* jelly bean is beautiful

Evan: oh welcome back Jared, you got possessed by a cowboy

Jared: Oh my gosh I did?! *finger guns the air and looks around frantically* wOODY I KNOW YOU'RE HERE! I'LL SHOOT!! *trying not to laugh*

Evan: *cant breathe from laughing* oh my god-

Jared: *falls onto Evans lap* ohmygosh *dying laughing* i can't

Evan: *dying laughing* since when could you do all those accents?!

Jared: *shrugs* since forever I guess? I can do a lot more

Evan: oh lord please no

Jared: *giggles* okay okay- what do you wanna do now?

Evan: I don’t knowwwwwww

Jared: *puts jelly bean on the counter* wannaaaaaaa watch a horror movie??

Evan: okay! *sits under the blanket on the Jared’s bed* (it still looks like a movie theater in his room-*

Jared: *sits next to evan and puts on the man man bye*

The first death: wassup

Evan: *clings onto Jared’s arm*

Ali: oh my gosh it's literally the opposite of us

Jared: evan it has barely been 10 minutes in-

-Half way through the movie-

Evan: *screams*

Jared: *wraps his arms around evan* evy do you wanna turn it off? *genuinely concerned*

Evan: n-no it’s fine

Jared: oookayyy... *still worried*

-a bit more than halfway in-

Evan: *falls asleep*

Jared: *gently moves evan so he's laying down, turns off the tv, cuddles him and falls asleep too*

-next Day-

Evan: *wakes up* Jare bearrrr

Jared: *talks in his sleep cause I need to do this* *sleep giggles? Shut up okay* awee my little evy wevy

Evan: *big blush man but laughs and pokes the Jared*

Jared: *awakens and sees thy evan* oh h-hi evan- *big big big blush man*

Evan: how long have you dreamed of me Jare? *smiley boye*

Jared: w-well um- y-you see y-you i- um- *flustered gay distress increces*

Evan: what happened in that little “evy wevy” dream of yours

Jared: nOThIng-

Evan: awe c’mom tell your little Evy Wevy

Jared: *blushes deeper :0* nO-

Evan: okay okay- you can go back to sleep if you want baby

Jared: *is redder than a tomato* baby???? *dying* did you just call me baby??? *dying even more like wtf*

Evan: *shaking his head* mhm

Jared: *hides his face* evan why do you do this to me

Evan: awe because I cannnnn

Jared: oh my gosh *dying blushing woah*

Evan: *kisses thy Jared*

Jared: *kisses thy evan back*

Evan: *kisses his forehead* go back to sleep baby

Jared: fineeeeeeee *lays down with his head on Evans lap and falls asleep*

Evan: *gently moves Jared and lays down*

Jared: *clings onto evan*

Evan: *asleep*

Heidi: Evan sweetie it’s time to come ho- AWWWWWW

Jared: *stays asleep and clings onto evan tighter*

Evan: *whisper yells* mom what the hell! Go away!-

Heidi: I am posting this on Facebook! *walks away*

Jared: *nuzzles evan*

Ali: NUZZLES YOU OWO

Evan: *goes to get up but Jared won’t let him* Jare, I have to leave

Jared: *still a singular sleep*

[bipolarwitchcraft]

Awnser all the questions of the post you recently reblogged.

Yeet 1. coffee mugs, teacups, wine glasses, water bottles, or soda cans?-water bottles. I like metal ones. 2. chocolate bars or lollipops?-lollipops3. bubblegum or cotton candy?-cotton candy4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you?-a pleasure to have in class and a creative writer. I wrote a lot of stories and was told by a few teachers I could be a published author when I got older. I hope they’re right. 5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups?-cans the easiest 6. pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear?-boho goth county would accurately describe me7. earbuds or headphones?-earbuds but not apple earbuds Bc they hurt8. movies or tv shows?-tv shows under 30 mins bc my attention span is 2 seconds (excluding the Orville and 911 bc those are amazing shows)9. favorite smell in the summer?-well water and main and tail shampoo10. game you were best at in p.e.?-volleyball. If I didn’t have to play 2 sports to be in athletics I would have played it in high school. 11. what you have for breakfast on an average day?-I don’t eat breakfast usually at school but when I work at camp I’ll usually have 2 eggo waffles and peanut butter maybe with a plum or something 12. name of your favorite playlist?-drive songs 13. lanyard or key ring?-key ring. I can’t stand having my keys on a lanyard 14. favorite non-chocolate candy?-Swedish fish 15. favorite book you read as a school assignment?-the secret life of bees and of mice and men. They are the only two I actually read all the way through and didn’t sparknotes lmaoo16. most comfortable position to sit in?-completely slouched in a chair with on leg crossed 17. most frequently worn pair of shoes?-my serape ariat cruisers or my berks 18. ideal weather?-70s to mid 80s with a nice breeze 19. sleeping position?-I’m a stomach sleeper lol but I usually try to fall asleep on my left side 20. preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)?-note book. My favorite are the 5-star note books. College rule. One subject. 21. obsession from childhood?-dinosaurs and rocks. Still relevant today as a geology major22. role model?-don’t have role models. They always disappoint. Just be a decent person and do what you enjoy. 23. strange habits?-I rub the corners of blankets and pillows and such on and under my thumb nail. But only my right. I also poke my tongue out of my mouth a little when I’m riding. 24. favorite crystal?-I’m a sucker for amethyst. But quartz is also a favorite. I have natural quartz clusters all over my backyard at home. 25. first song you remember hearing?-besides like baby songs it was probably something my dad was listening to so I’m going to say Loser by Beck or Sweet Home Alabama bc those have been staples of my life. 26. favorite activity to do in warm weather?-ride and then immediately jump in the lake 27. favorite activity to do in cold weather?-read 28. five songs to describe you?-I don’t know enough about myself to know what describes me but my favorite songs rn are ‘99’ by Barnes Courtney, Colours by Grouplove, Pumped Up Kicks by foster the people, Talk Too Much by Coin, and Broken by lovelytheband 29. best way to bond with you?-talk to me 30. places that you find sacred?-nature, whataburger at 3am, and my room 31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names?-I always feel badass when I wear my show chaps 32. top five favorite vines?-omg so many. Road work ahead, Adam, any from that kid that wear his hoodie and has his ears sticking out (snoooooooooop), well when life gives you lemons, you either kill your self or get killed what you gonna do 33. most used phrase in your phone?-lmaooo34. advertisements you have stuck in your head?-tide pods with gronk 35. average time you fall asleep?-midnight ish 36. what is the first meme you remember ever seeing?-ummmm it was probably some iFunny shit 37. suitcase or duffel bag?-duffle 38. lemonade or tea?-sweet tea 39. lemon cake or lemon meringue pie?-lemon meringue pie from Bluebonnet Cafe 40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school?-some much. Some let a rooster loose in the main hall and no one could catch it, some left stink bait in the locker and the whole school smelled, some just showed up and gave my ag teacher a calf, we had a interim principal who we called Bernie Sanders which he hated and sent out a announcement video telling us to stop and we only got worse 41. last person you texted?-my mom42. jacket pockets or pants pockets?-jacket pockets 43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket?-oof I’m a sucker for a cardigan 44. favorite scent for soap?-lavender 45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero?-fantasy 46. most comfortable outfit to sleep in?-over sized t shirt47. favorite type of cheese?-mozzarella 48. if you were a fruit, what kind would you be?-I feel like I would be a strawberry bc im a strawberry blond/a redhead 49. what saying or quote do you live by?-sometime it just be like that 50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have?-this video has my gasping every. Single. Time. If you’re sad PLS WATCH: https://youtu.be/23B017ZVIx451. current stresses?-finals and getting my wisdom teeth removed 52. favorite font?-I only use times new roman lol I don’t type a lot 53. what is the current state of your hands?-dry but my nails are getting long which I’m glad about54. what did you learn from your first job?-I worked retail so I learned how to handle people at their worst lol 55. favorite fairy tale?-I like the Disney Rapunzel, but I also like the original telling if the little mermaid 56. favorite tradition?-watching the 24hours of a Christmas Story during Christmas 57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome?-self harm -body image -fighting 58. four talents you’re proud of having?-creativity through writing, riding, baking, common sense59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be?-bro60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be?-yoooo61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.?-I’ve read too many books to have a favorite line from just one lol, but I heard “I’m a grown up ass man I can do what I want” on AP bio which was pretty funny 62. seven characters you relate to?-Nina Zenik from Six of Crows. That’s it. She’s the only one. 63. five songs that would play in your club?-I cannot stand clubs or bars so none lol64. favorite website from your childhood?-fucking moshimonster.com and girlsgogames.com 65. any permanent scars?-yep. I got burned as a baby and still have the scars on my fingers 19 years later. I have a lot more as well. 66. favorite flower(s)?-I’m more of a succulent person so cactus flowers 67. good luck charms?-I don’t really have any 68. worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried?-I had ranch flavored soda once so that takes it. But I don’t like cheap beer either. 69. a fun fact that you don’t know how you learned? -a daddy long leg spider is the most poisonous spider but their fangs are too weak to pierce human skin 70. left or right handed?-right 71. least favorite pattern?-houndstooth 72. worst subject?-calculus 73. favorite weird flavor combo?-hot Cheetos and sour cream74. at what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen?-575. when did you lose your first tooth?- 5 y/o76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)?-mashed 100%77. best plant to grow on a windowsill?-jade succulents 78. coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store?-I like sushi from HEB 79. which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo?-school id80. earth tones or jewel tones?-earth times 81. fireflies or lightning bugs?-firefly 82. pc or console?-Uhhh idk??? 83. writing or drawing?-writing 84. podcasts or talk radio?-talk radio 84. barbie or polly pocket?-Polly pocket. Forbidden gummy 85. fairy tales or mythology?-mythology 86. cookies or cupcakes?-cupcakes with no icing 87. your greatest fear?-bugs crawling in my ear 88. your greatest wish?-to be successful and happy with a S/O and a daughter on lots of land89. who would you put before everyone else?-my parents 90. luckiest mistake?-There are no mistakes. Everything happens for a reason. 91. boxes or bags?-depends 92. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights?-sunlight93. nicknames?-my dad calls me sissy bug and my mom calls me bamber and my friends call my dumb bitch lol so 94. favorite season?Spring or fall. They’re basically the same in Texas. 95. favorite app on your phone?-social media apps96. desktop background?-I don’t have a desktop but my laptop is just a pre downloaded galaxy ones. 97. how many phone numbers do you have memorized?-mine, my moms, my dads, and my dads business 98. favorite historical era?-ancient Egypt and the 60s

[k-bloggs]

Have an embarrassing read at something i tried to write a couple years ago. back when i was happy lol

My First Blog. – 20/11/16

Okay, so here goes. This is my first ever attempt at anything like this really. I have written before in many different formats and styles but I don’t know what’s come over me lately but I feel inspired to write again and I know as well as anyone else this isn’t a typical feeling that comes along every so often so by fuck I am gonna’ grab it and take a chance and see where I end up.  I literally just unlocked and locked my phone again there because I’m trying to have a proper focused dedicated mind to attempting this. I’m not even too sure what I’m supposed to do in a blog, what even is a blog? I don’t know but I know that I’ve wanted to start making a journal of things that are going on in my life but due the fact I am extremely lazy this may be very seldom so the next update could be quite a while so don’t expect anything too frequent.

Like I said I’m not even too sure what I am meant to be doing or how I am even meant to go about it, I am a firm believer in the fact that writing doesn’t have to be performed or practised in any particular way. That there is essentially no wrong or right way in how it is carried out or laid out, but I feel like I just want to do something a bit more productive with my life from now on. A long childhood friend has recently started doing animations and making his own videos and uploading them to YouTube and to be quite honest they are great, its so great to see something like that, the thing about Ryan Is that our friendship took a bit of a standstill when we were kids must have been between the ages of 8 and 10 at least. Ryan and his family were emigrating to New Zealand and as a kid yeah you see this as a big thing but you don’t realise the likelihood of seeing them as often is completely and utterly abolished due to the fact you have no idea how much it would cost to fly out there. Ryan must be around 18 or 19 now and I just turned 20 there this year, and its great to see we still have so much in common, to just spit it out and be clear after seeing that this is what he into it kind of inspired me to get back to what I love doing. I love writing. I’m not so much of a reader which is the weird thing, again all down to my laziness, if a book doesn’t get my attention within the first paragraph or so I find it very hard to stick with it or even go back to it if I do manage to finish a chapter. The same applies for the likes of articles and campaigns and any form of literature really. But I thought hey you know what it’s about time I started doing what I love and even more its about time I start love what im doing.

Just to be clear, this year has probably been one of the biggest milestones of my life. I finally did it, I finally got a girlfriend. Fuck. It’s still weird even saying that, so yeah I will leave the ultimate love story of the century to maybe the next blog or edition whatever the fuck you want to call this. This is mainly just for me to get to grips with the style that im going to write in, if I do choose to carry on with this (Which I feel like I will). If anyone reads this yeah, awesome im happy someone out there is reading my stuff but to be honest this if for me as much as it is for anyone else out there. I want to see what I can do and if this really is the best time to get back into writing, basically one side of me is saying yeah what the hell go for it you need something like this but at the same time as there always is, the polar opposite emotion of just fear I guess? Not wanting to pick something up again only to go off my track record and drop this 5 minutes later like I do with everything else? But hey its 7.15pm on a frosty Sunday night in November, what else am I going to do? Sit, procrastinate and wish I had of done something useful.

Not that im going off track because essentially there isn’t much to this article its just me spamming a lot of stuff down so who ever reads this can kind of of get a grip of where I am right now in life and basically why I’m doing this. So here goes, I dropped out of college for last week. For the second time…

Yeah im officially a two time college dropout, nothing t be proud of I assure you, but im just waiting for the opening credits to roll ad realise im in the first scene of a really shitty coming of age movie where im the older brother your parents don’t want you to turn out like.

But yeah, I left school at 16 and went to a technical college, basically an establishment which offers a-levels to people who didn’t get back into school or else didn’t want to go back to school. I studied a 2 year course in creative media production and honestly it was awesome, it was so fucking cool and the course didn’t have that many uninteresting or boring areas, but yeah you guessed it I was lazy didn’t do any of the work and just took advantage of the whole independent learning aspect of it and never bother showing up for class plus a whole pile of other steamy shit went on that year that we are just not gonna discuss at this moment in time. But coming towards the end of the second year when the course was gonna finish and In a couple months after that I would figure out if I got the grades to get into the uni of my choice I asked my teachers if they would be wiling to let me come back and repeat the second year of the course. They were more than happy to, they gave me exactly what I needed, a fresh slate and a chance to correct myself, and you know what happened? Yeah your right I totally blew it and fucked up again just hated the thought of working or studing in media for any longer. Like I loved making short films and writing screenplays and everything I even liked some of the assignments but basically I had it in my head I didn’t want a career from this anymore due to the fact it was something I loved so much and it was basically kicking my ass all day, all fucking week long. The only thing that got me through that repeated year of college was the girl of my dreams and we weren’t even going out yet. But as said before there is more to come with her, she deserves the whole word so the least I can do is dedicate one sole piece of writing to me and her and our story, truth is there are not enough words in the world to even begin to describe who she is and how she thinks and works and even jus to describe how she came into my life, yes a combination of letters on a page or screen may work for some people but no, not for her. This girl is a queen from another realm, she is a princess from a faraway kingdom, she is an angel from heavens further and beyond the highest clouds. She is the love of my life and that is the only way to explain her and who she is. But getting back to the educational fuck ups In my life, here goes the explanation to how I arrived here, 5 days after dropping out of another course. This time I was studying IT, you know trying to go down that route of career, thinking of my future and what not? Yeah that didn’t go to plan either, I basically rejected a full time promotion on good money and I hadn’t regretted anything as much in my life. Basically college was another fuck up and let’s just say I managed to get out and finished a bit earlier this time rather than waste my own time and anyone else’s. Plus, if I carried on with these next two years that would 5 years of studying A-levels just for me to be a whining little bitch about how I didn’t want to go to university. I am just at the stage of my life now, not where I am considering moving out and settling down but some things don’t appeal to me the same as they used to. Going to uni and living and experiencing that independence in life and finding a career path and devoting the rest of my life to something I may not even be happy at? Na, no thanks not for me. Not at this moment in time anyway. For right now I’m happy enough to keep my eyes and ears open for what all jobs are available for me and what foot to put next in front of me. Get a couple extra pounds in my pay check each fortnight and you know that might do for year or so. Maybe get back on the studying boat in a year or two and carry on with the IT. That is, you know if I don’t become like a stereotypical copy of a character you would expect to see in a ‘Community’ reboot.

I was watching a clip of Jim Carey giving a speech a couple of days ago and basically what I got from it was that he had returned to his old school or college or university or whatever in order to give a commencement speech or he was receiving his award or something anyway not really vitally important. What is important is what he said in his speech, basically his message he was getting across as in most motivational speeches, is the reinforcement of using fear to help you rather than to put you off, accepting fear and accepting that no matter what you will fail, but that’s okay and if it wasn’t for the fact that accepting it you wouldn’t have the drive to reach for greatness like so many greats have done before you, whether they have made it to great fame and fortune or if it was just the regular girl from a small town who made a life and career for herself because it’s what she wanted to do. Anyway, Carey says, “You will only ever have two choices, love or fear. Choose love and don’t ever let fear turn you against your playful heart.” Basically what Carrey is telling us here is to embrace fear, don’t avoid it, stare down the barrel of its gun charge at it and conquer it, but never let it conquer you, never let fear become the objective always make sure it rises no more than an obstacle in your course, a mountain you must climb or a hurdle you must leap over. Defeating fear is never the final piece of the puzzle. Like walking in a straight line, you put your left leg forward and then do exactly the same with your right, repeat until you arrive where you need to be? Well, fear is that first big step. The first big step into a new world and a new environment and mind set and who knows what it’s going to throw at you. But you need to remember that it’s there to make sure you don’t triumph in whatever you set out to do, but you can’t move forward without taking that step. Then comes the next step, failure. And as stated before yeah, your gonna fail, your gonna fail and you’re going to fuck up and mess up and trip up, over and over and over again, this is the repetitive steps the same as walking that we take to go in a straight line, the same works with this. Without taking the same repetitive bullshit same old story steps in life, we will never reach the finish line that is success.

[seokjins]

vhope,

i hate u i hate vhope i hate myself ,,, bitch come collect ur children i’ve had Enough @silkjimin

they’re one of the most !!!sunshine couples around !!!!! wtf !!!

hoseok’s a pretty bubbly person & taehyung is also Optimism Personified™ so that’s why they’re regarded as the people u go to if you need emotional support ??bc they’ll always be ready to drop date night w/o question if any of their friends isn’t feeling well and needs some of their Love alskghasg

they’re also a very stable couple :0 they communicate a lot, allow each other to grow personality-wise & then redefine their relationship with open minds, knowing that if they need to break it off amicably, they can

vhope @ home

kings of being soft and sweet with each other omg (x)

taehyung tries to make hobi laugh all the time and it’s really cute bc he’ll look like the happiest man on earth when his dumb jokes actually work fpasdghl

literally one of the most intimidating n attractive couples when they’re out and about (x) (x) (x)

taehyung finds out that hobi has a thing for hair pulling after half a month of dating um

if ur talking about non-idol au they meet by literally running into each other bc taehyung’s late and trying to make the next bus before it leaves but ends up spilling his (hot) coffee all down hobi’s front and then trying to clean it up while apologizing the entire time lol

he even, at one point, offers to take his shirt off and give it to hoseok and while hobi’s trying not to check out the hot dude who just gave him third degree burns via his drink, he won’t take up the offer bc he’s gay but not a heathen, thank u namjoon

hobi tells him to forget it bc it’s not that big of a deal, but taehyung gives him his phone number anyway bc “wow i’m so fucking sorry, please text me so i can buy you another …. everything, but i can’t miss this class, i’m so sorry bye!” and leaves hobi standing in the middle of the sidewalk with holding phone upside down where taehyung’s shoved it into his hand before taking off down the street not really knowing who/what hit him???

and he thinks he won’t see taehyung again bc what are the chances ???but taehyung just happens to be a hot, hot actor who nearly gets his face smashed in while filming stunts on his latest project and hoseok is a hot, hot doctor who just happens to be the one fixing him up lol

hobi’s nickname for taehyung is “pixie boy”

taehyung’s always playing w hoseok’s ears or his hands or his hair or his cheeks etc and loooooooves it when hobi wears hats and his ears do the elf thing he finds it so cute

taehyung always sleeps draped over every single part of hoseok he can latch onto asldhgasgd it’s so cute he’s searching for the cuddles even when he’s sleeping lol

taehyung’s very tactile (i’ve said this before) and hoseok’s the perfect fit as bf because he loves it when tae’s attached to him in some way idk also hobi is a really good hugger?? taehyung struck it big by picking him up tbh

LOVING AND SUPPORTING EACH OTHER ALWAYS ???THAT’S MY S H I T u guys mY SHIT

hoseok’s obsessed w taehyung’s boxy smile he can’t get enough of it and needs to go in for a kiss every time he sees him smile bc his heart is being gay and doing the fluttering thing rip ,,

when the two of them are chilling out together they’re so soft?and gentle w each other ???like???? they’ll be making out on the couch with the television on in the background and won’t talk much even through dinner but they’re still pressed up close holding hands and maybe hoseok’s making quick work of the underside of taehyung’s jaw while smiling the entire time bc he knows it gets tae WEAK fppfhjpsjhfpt

hoseok’s terrified of basically anything u can get scared of bc 1) he almost died after getting stung by a bee once to later find out he’s really allergic to them 2) was forced to swallow a spider in elementary school when some kids were bullying him 3) is just. Not a Fan of Scary Things

so when the group goes to watch a horror film @ yoongi and namjoon’s apartment he spends the entire thing tucked up against taehyung’s side w his face buried in his bf’s shoulder and taehyung runs a hand through his hair or down his side w an arm wrapped around hobi’s waist trying to calm him down the whole night

he’ll still be shaking when they get back lmao and jumps at every single sound in the house fpfjhdfspt taehyung just. holds him and pets his hair and says he won’t leave him alone and it’s going 2 be ok

UMMMMMMMMMMMM hoseok always gets up early for runs and when he comes back he gets coffee for his bf n then wakes him up if taehyung’s still asleep and carries him out of bed sometimes,,,

hobi gets really bad flight anxiety and he used to take meds that’d knock him out the entire time but now he sits next to taehyung and they get rid of the armrest in between them and he half curls up in tae’s lap and gets kissed all down the side of his face when the turbulence gets bad im.

kim taehyung in headbands = jung hoseok’s DEATH

literally never let vhope work out together hobi will spent approx 85% of the time staring @ taehyung and the other 5% almost dropping weights on various body parts by accident and 10% falling off the treadmills lmao

TAEHYUNG BACKHUGGING HOBI IM DEAD INSIDE BYE

alternatively: this

they take soooooooo many selfies together ,, they update their snapchat stories with couple videos and pics and dumb romantic things they’ve done for each other or a slice of domestic life that makes everyone gag lol

hobi will cook dinner for the two of them and won’t eat even if tae’s out much later than expected on a shoot and will fall asleep on the couch waiting for him to come back and taehyung’ll snapchat a pic of his bf and a pic of him kissing his bf and a pic of him cuddling his bf and a pic of him on his bf and a pic of him hugging his bf and caption it with a thousand hearts and sappy stuff about love and appreciating the life he’s been given and put it on his story for his 579023 million fans to view #bye

taehyung wins some acting award and hoseok can’t stop crying and it’s really funny bc tae’s pretty emotional but hobi looks like he’s poured a water bottle down his face (lol)

taehyung promoting hobi’s YT channel bc he’s obsessed w hobi’s dancing this is no lie my friends

hoseok’s entire instagram, which is public even tho he’s dating a celeb (technically before he became a celeb ok) is now filled with taehyung ,, vintage pics of them together and the captions are full of love related emojis and stuff like “i’m so proud to be urs” or “congrats on the win baby!!” or a snap of tae’s battered script when publicity for his new movie starts going around and is like “this looks like a good one, can’t wait to see you in it”

WHENEVER TAEHYUNG DIES IN A FILM HOSEOK CRIES SO HARD BC IT LOOKS TOO REAL AND HE cannot™ he’s already got a weak and soft and emotional heart and he cannot™

hoseok: do u kno who the prettiest person in this world hiseveryone: hobi pls……..hoseok, slamming his hand on the table: KIM TAEHYUNGeveryone: ok hobi

[theroadtorestoration-blog]

5/26/2017 I would like to hold myself accountable in some way, so I'm going to start posting. Today I binged. These past few weeks have consisted of more binges than these past few months and it's scaring me. I started meeting with my therapist because of this and because of an ample amount of free time. I believe this amount of free time is causing me to think FAR too much about "fixing" myself, which is why I end up bingeing. My breakfasts and lunches have been satisfactory in the eyes of a girl on a weight loss journey, but if you ask my therapist, they are considered restrictive. Anyways, I'm going to be posting before, during, and after binges from now on in order to get a clearer sense of some of the reasons behind WHY I keep falling down this path. I'd really like to make this summer a time for myself to get closer to overcoming this battle of one and I believe the first step is being honest. So, here I am. Post-binge & post-purge as I walk the Weber Center track. My goal for the night is to reach 20,000 steps. Is this overexercise? Probably, but the highly irrational side of my brain is okay with that because... well.. whatever leads to weight loss. While I'm here, I guess I'll say how my day went and maybe I'll discover some potential triggers. 8:00- woke up and showered. I put on a cute outfit but I changed into a more comfortable one that made me feel really bad about my body. I changed bc I thought I'd get cold at graduation rehearsal. I even put on lipstick and earrings! Probably bc I wanted to impress my boo thang 8:15- I had my ACV and then I ate breakfast. I make myself drink this before breakfast bc I believe it's the magic waste loss cure. I wanted some protein so I started out with a strawberry Greek yogurt. I then made some oatmeal and had that as my starch instead of granola because for some reason I thought eating oatmeal would keep me from binging today ??? Who knows. My logic is skewed. I put 1 tbsp of protein in it bc I thought more protein = fuller tummy = lower chance of bingeing. I then had a disgusting overcooked hard boiled egg. My reflux of that was SICKENING. I had a strawberry too. I really wanted to binge but I left.... 8:35- supposed to be at graduation rehearsal @ 9. There was a breakfast from 8-9 that I skipped bc HA. when's the last time I've ever gone to a provided breakfast??? The idea of putting one of those bagels in my system makes me wanna barf. Disgusting carbs. 8:44- I arrive at niles North. I don't wanna see these people. Ugh. I wanna hide myself. I don't wanna walk in front of that crowd and get body shamed. I wanna see vaughn but I don't want him to see me. If I cross my arms over my belly maybe my body will turn invisible. 9:00- the gym is filled with pastries and bagels. Yuck. How does everyone just eat all of that stuff so carelessly? 9:05- the rehearsal is fine and long and I just wanna go and get on with my day. I'm so sick of this place and I hate all of this small talk. I see Uche and vaughn talking. Blah. I see tiselle. I think she hates me. Do I owe her an apology? Vaughn and I aren't even really dating. We've basically just hooked up and had some sleepovers. 9:40- omg there was this thing we had to do when we went to our seats and the person directly across from you in the parallel line would sit at the same time as you and vaughn and I were parallel! Love those coincidences. Also during the ceremony I sat behind manduul. He makes me uncomfortable. I also sat behind Nathan, vaughns friend, and I felt very judged. Am I too much for people? 10:00- I'm free! I zoom toward the exit and to the door and jump into my car. I don't wanna talk to anyone. I head to old navy and call dad. I tell him to meet me there. 10:15- I begin shopping. I enjoy shopping but it can be tough. I like my body now more than I used to, but I've still got some improvements to make. Im really proud of my exercise efforts though. I've been so consistent!!! I can't wait to continue on this fitness journey and to get a better grip on this healthy lifestyle. 1:00- omg, I'm finally done shopping. I can't believe I spent $270 on clothes...... holy shit. I've never done that before. It was my dads money and he was happy to do it but damn. I feel so spoiled. do I even deserve all of this stuff? Probably not. Ugh I'm so privileged it makes me sick. 1:05- dad was gross and flirty with cashier and I really don't wanna be around him but I have a salad at his house I was gonna eat for lunch so I head there and he follows right behind me in his car!!! Oy. 1:15- I eat a green salad from Trader Joe's. It has a lot of fat in it (27 g) but not a lot of protein (14 g) so I'm freaking out and worried about a later binge. Should I have that salmon in there or is it too much? The meal is only 370 calories. Do I need more? Dad comes and eats both of the small containers with salmon. He says it's okay to eat that much bc he worked out!!!! He keeps saying shit like that. It's so triggering. He says it as if you need to earn the right to eat which is such a disordered way of thinking. Is my whole family disordered? Oy vey. 1:30- I try and speed through lunch because this man is driving me insane. I say I'm gonna go to moms house and clean. I end up going upstairs until 2 and I just laid down and looked up things for vaughn and I to do tonight. Couldn't find anything. 2:05- I head to moms house. I grab 2 pieces of gum from dads fridge bc I think it'll rid of the urge to binge. It does for a while. I continue cleaning up and getting rid of stuff at moms while I listen to music. Not aware of the time. I take a break at some point. I head to the fridge and I get a chicken breast from jewel. I heat it up. My favorite part is the fatty skin. Is that completely disgusting? Probably. I'm proud of myself bc I eat it at a controlled pace which is new for me. I also have 3 pieces of shrimp. I'm upset with myself bc I'm watching a movie as I eat it. The love is called Blue is the Warmest Color. It's about lesbians. I question my sexuality for the thousandth time. I see that Jacob (my Ex boyfriends) new friend group posts a picture of themselves with a couch. Why are they mocking my friend group? Whatever! I also make myself a French vanilla cappuccino and I crave some shortbread cookies but I don't let myself. I tell myself to wait it out and let the craving pass because I know I'm not actually hungry. I stop watching the movie at this point and I return to cleaning. I have short text conversation with Spencer about vaughn and then about dammy. I realized that I'm not sure if I really trust vaughn and the relationship I currently have with him is kinda strange and I'm not sure how much I really wanna pursuit it. I really enjoy him though. He's so intelligent and makes great convo. At some point, I make my way to the kitchen again and I let myself have a ton of chocolate. I reach for the box of Fannie may chocolates that I discovered a few days back and rip through half of that, I love the chocolates with raspberry centers. I then reach for a box of European chocolates and they are expired and dusty looking. Yuck. I then eat some m&ms and chocolate squares and it's out of hand. I even have some more maple cookies and I heat up a handheld apple pie from Krispy cream. I heat up a butternut squash ravioli and vegetables lean cuisine and I devour it. I want more pasta. More carbs. I find another pasta dish in the freezer, I heat it, and it's gross. I put it in a container and throw it in the fridge. Wonder what my mom will think about all of the containers and food wrappers in the garbage. I hope she doesn't question me about it. I then have 2 spinach pie triangles and heat them in panini maker. Not very good. Then I make a quesadilla with 2 tortillas and a ton of cheese. I eat that by the tv. I then make another one even though I'm beginning to feel sick. This is the last thing I eat. I drink some water out a wine glass and I'm mad at myself. Go figure. This always ends up happening. I'm not sure I'll ever learn. I go to the bathroom and lay down and I'm in so much pain. I try spitting up my food. Oh yeah, just to mention I was spitting up some of my chocolate earlier on and I did this by running around and drinking water. Anyways, after My binge I'm in the bathroom trying to throw up and my phone is dying so I grab the extension cord thingy and I bring it to the bathroom downstairs bc I enjoy purging into that Toilet better and I charge my phone as I spit food up. Not too much comes up. I watch a video about what to do after a binge. It's not too helpful. I do hear AGAIN that I need to not restrict after a binge. This is so hard to learn bc I always have events coming up. I'm not trying to look like a fat ass at graduation or on birthright!!! 7:20- I decide to head to Weber center to walk. It's raining outside but I need to do something and I don't wanna be with other people. lol I never wanna be with other people. I'm too ashamed of myself. I set a goal for myself to walk 20,000 steps and I compete with everyone walking. Well, that's my day so far. If anything drastic ends up happening, I'll update you in tomorrow's post. Until then, keep on fighting. You are not your illness and I have no doubt that you'll eventually beat this. I love you, rach. Signing off.

[survivormidwayatoll]

RITES OF PASSAGE (JURY)

Andrew

sorry for voting you out but it had to be done or my other potential allies like ash and sara and ricky could have potentially prioritized you over me and I’m strategically needy so ya ass had to go but ily <3

Ash

MY DUO. MY LOVE. You were a shady bitch sometimes you know that ? Honestly had I known you were getting blindsided I probably would've voted you too. But you're my best friend and I loved being your duo

Billy

Dude… wtf happened? I know what you can do, and I’ve seen how you can talk your way out of any situation. So how in the world did you get out this early? I’m sad that we didn’t get to play together sans being on a tribe (that meant nothing) together. But I’m glad we did get to play again.

Shea

I was so happy to see you go because it was you or me, and man, to see you walk out was just like validation, like LOOK AT THAT SHEA, YOU CAN DO SOMETHING IN THIS GAME! I'm sorry it had to be you but it was great to have the blindside of a strong veteran player under my belt. Love you!

I wish I could have stayed in a lot longer, but I’m proud of what i was able to accomplish. It was so much fun crushing dreams every round in the warzone like… Billy you missed out! I’m also glad I made some new friends WOOOOOO

#ItsAWarzoneItsAWarzone

Andrew

im not gonna get all sappy with ya but playing this game with you for the time that we did was kinda super awesome. we did THAT finding the pistol and idol and keeping them hidden from these shady mofos. I wanted to be chaotic duo with you so bad but I’m hoping we get another chance in the future. getting to finally play a duos season with you was super fuckin awesome and i couldn’t have asked for anything more, but we will co-win our next season <3 giraffes RISE

Ash

I'm not gonna lie I don't remember why we voted you out and I also don't remember if I even went to that tribal so sorry

Billy

Awe, this was our chance! My Malibuddy! We were FINALLY going to play together and actually do the thing, but divine intervention took a turn for the worst. Another time I guess, keep being cool bud.

Shea

I'm very sorry for how you had to leave this game, I got filled in on the circumstances and it was probably the only time in this game I was actually emotional, because I felt for you. I hope you're doing better.

Andrew

rip i wasn’t even there but i aint gonna lie I’m glad you were severed from jordan. was i hoping it would be jordan and not you? yes! was i mad y’all got separated anyway. no! but you did get done dirty tru. ily wife <3

Ash

your blindside hurt. A lot. That was when the game really fell apart for me. I did manage to pick up the pieces but your presence was severely missed

Billy

I love you as a person, everything about you is everything I look for in a friend. I’m glad we have each other, and I was so excited that we finally got cast in a PI season where we had the possibility to play together the whole time. I think lines were drawn pretty early, and you and I fell into a weird cross area, and unfortunately, others saw you as a bigger threat than I saw you and they pulled the trigger while I watched. I’m not so innocent, as I consciously helped, but it was not something I ever want to do again, and I hope you understand why I did what I did, even though it was just a vote.

Shea

I love and adore you, I had such a strong connection with you on a personal level and I was so pissed when you got voted off. I hope you're doing well, love you girl, and I can't wait for this game to end so we can TALK MORE and I won't feel like I'll get in trouble

Andrew

i know you had to leave for your own reasons and you know we all respected that <3 you’re amazing and ily and I’m glad we got to align for the time that we did. you’re a star and amazing and deserve the world and if there was one thing that brought this cast together for even a second, it was all of us coming together to show our love and support for you <3

Ash

I love you and I'm beyond glad that you seem to be doing okay

Billy

I don’t have words for how amazing you are. I wouldn’t have asked to have played Dynamic Duos ™ with anyone else, from any other game I had ever played. You’re my best friend, and you’re AMAZING at Survivor and you were making it to the end of this game. There weren’t many people who didn’t want that, and the people who did want you gone would not have gotten past your friends. Had situations not been the way they were (which come first, and you’re so strong and amazing and I love you), you would still be here. Know that. I love you with all of my heart, and I’m so glad that we have a PI legacy together that’s not only iconic, but it’s ours. <3

Shea

Again, really sorry for how you had to leave the game. You were a super nice person to talk to and get to know and I hope you're doing better.

Andrew

GOODBYE SPONGEBOB GOODBYE GOODBYE ngl that blindside where you had an idol in your pocket was WILD but you were playing a really good game that wasn’t even that messy so you were a major contender to win if you got to the end at that point. sorry friend but JORDO OUT!

Ash

Practically my other duo. Thank you so much for being my closest ally throughout the game as well as my closest friend

Billy

You and I had a very similar pre-merge situation. We both didn’t really have to do much, and we were never really in danger pre-merge. While I would have enjoyed working with you, because we found that you and I work well together sometimes, it was apparent our games didn’t match up. I appreciated you keeping me safe, but the problem was there was no trust between us. You were still lying to me (poorly may I add, lol) and I knew that while you had kept me safe the times you did, and I tried to as well, you would have turned on that deal faster than intended. I’m sorry, and ONE DAY we will work together in PI. But you have to trust me for me to trust you…

Shea

I was surprised that you went home, and despite my immediate reaction, It was a good thing for my game because you didn't have my best interest in mind. You're way smarter than people give you credit for and I really enjoyed gaining a friendship in you during this game.

Andrew

THATS WHAT YOU GET FOR PLOTTING AGAINST ME AND THE QUEEN STAYS QUEEN

Ash

You're lovely and I apologize for your blindside

Billy

Karen I love you, you know that. I had your back, and you know that. Until a little birdie told me that you wanted JP in this game and sold out your friends for seemingly no reason. I knew you were coming for me the round you left (and I truly am sorry we didn’t get to talk, I actually was at the movies seeing GOTG2) But I know once your mind is made, especially when Ricky wasn’t there to help talk to you, I knew that once you were set on me leaving, I was leaving unless I targeted you. But outside of the game, you’re absolutely one of my favorite people ever.

Shea

I'm sorry how your vote went down, unfortunately the cycle I really started getting close to you was the cycle where you had to go. I didn't intend it to be like that, I just knew I rather you go than Billy and had to push for that because I didn't think I could ever beat you in the end.

Andrew

okay so i can’t believe I’m saying this but WE ACTUALLY WORKED TOGETHER FOR A SUBSTANTIAL AMOUNT OF TIME ! ever since carson had gone i knew you had my back, but the thing was i don’t think you ever believed i had your’s? seeing as you’re gonna see these after the season, i will say first thing that your suspicions were incorrect. i wish you had trusted me more and i am sorry for flipping the vote on you, but you was a threat.png. i am glad we got to play together again tho and ily <3

Ash

I cannot express how much I hated voting you out. Like, people can vouch. I actually cried. You're so so wonderful and I wish we hadn't been on opposite sides

Billy

Your elimination wasn’t even remotely something I saw coming. When you initially thought you were leaving, you weren’t and I knew that. I didn’t want you scrambling and potentially ruining your chance. But a the rainbow idol bitch slapped you and it was out of left field. I was so glad we got to finally play together, and play as close as we actually got to play. I think it’s good that some of our more “one sided” friendships (Like Kait and Brian) went out early, because it made sure that we stuck with us and not with others. Ilysm, and I’m so so so glad that we finally got our time together.

Shea

You're the reason I'm sitting here, You pushed for me to get on this season and there was a lot of pressure I put on myself, because I didn't want to let myself down but I also didn't want to let you down. We didn't work together, we just couldn't unfortunately, and I knew I wanted you gone and the moment that idol got played and it turned out to be Rose Quartz, I was overjoyed. I'm sorry you had to go out like that, but you had the most twisted tribal I've ever seen and that will never be forgotten. I hope I didn't let you down.

Andrew

WELL FUCK. this is the one thats the saddest and the one that i hate the most. i know we’ve talked everything out so I’m not gonna repeat the super emotional baggage here. you know that i love you to the moon and back and you know that i wanna see you succeed but this game got a really messy blurred line when i heard you wouldnt have minded seeing me go. writing your name down to eliminate was a really surreal experience i hope i never have to feel again. but i am glad our friendship is surviving through this. if a survivor game ever ruined a friendship as good and valued as this one for me i probably wouldnt be able to live with myself knowing i lost someone like you in my life. love ya dood <3

Ash

Honestly I love you and I'm not sure why I was so terrible at talking to you but oh well ! That's what hoenn is for !!

Billy

Our relationship this time was much different than the one in Johto. We were together, on the same tribe, (do the first couple days in the Warzone count?) and playing together from the very first day. I knew what you were thinking (at least I hope I do) for most of the game, and I watched you play and AMAZING GAME. You ran the pre-merge, whether you think you did or not. That was YOUR Warzone, and everyone knew it. You are just as much of a social threat as the rest of us were, because until the last round (The ugliest round) I don’t think anyone saw you as that big of a target. You had a solid alliance, with various people that wanted each other out over you. Which was smart. You knew what to say to what people to pit them against each other and it was an amazing strategy. I solidly believe that you were winning this game. It’s unfortunate that the round you left was a knife fight, and I know we’re good. But I can’t feel bad about writing your name down, when I gave you another option and you still wrote mine down. Nonetheless, I’m so fortunate to have watched you evolve from Rakiura to here. You’re such a great player, and one of my favorite people outside of the game.

Shea