#im praying that no one gives me shit for using the term separation anxiety | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

sweet-xoxo-thatcares · 4 years ago

Text

Do you remember?

😳 I don’t think you remember the “exact moment” I felt a spark for you. You A.D.D. mf)

But yea, I had a crush on you since then.

I made a sad cover of “Sprung” by T-Pain the night that I realized I actually did like you. And that I was ok with it. I had finally accepted it. I fell for my coworker who was already in a relationship. But that was late of January 2019.

I think we had this conversation in December.

Right around the end of Fall Semester at the college bookstore.

I remember I walked over to the unofficial, packing table that was placed right before you to get to the bookshelves of all this many textbooks that I never gave a fuck about.

We were unpacking boxes of school supplies for inventory with a few others.

I started grabbing some boxes while you said “Hey, what's up?”

And Then I probably awkwardly, “Alright, How’s it going?”

I don’t know why I was nervous around you. Probably because this was our only other time we had to talk other than those last 2 that made me very uncomfortable and confused.

(I used to be so jittery around that time, because I hated being the newbie, in a new place with a bunch of people I didn’t know. I was shy, silent, observant and goofy awkward if someone tried to talk to me. I avoided being in view of conversations because I hated being in the center of attention. It was too uncomfortable. )

Convo #1

The first day we met, was my training day with another new girl named Nicole.

I had asked you and her for your names as I introduced myself

And I noticed your voice was a lot deeper than I expected it to be? Compared your soft white-like pale skin. I thought you were Latino-mixed. I had no idea that you were black, too. (omgg this sounds so racist typing this shit out loud lmaooo wtf) You kinda sounded similar to my cousin Joq, who’s a firefighter.

I seemed a bit taller than you, but your brown hair was kinda cute. It was like a curly top with a faded cut on both sides. Your natural Brown hair was my favorite on you. Cause’ sometimes I saw speckles of light brown, gold, and grey when you were outside or took pictures in the sunlight. You seemed chill, and you had these cute fluffy cheeks like they were freshly made dough covered in baker’s flour. Like right before they toss it up in the air to make it bounce.

Plus, I didn’t know if you were a girl or a boy. Or just a girl, who like dressing up like a tomboy. Because you had very pretty eyes. And I didn't notice any facial hair.....but no I wasn't looking hard at your face. It was just stuff I remembered to look back on later on that day. I didn’t want to ask, because one, thats none of my business and two, I couldn’t make eye contact with you. It just didn’t seem right at the time. I glanced, but not too hard because eye contact still makes me uncomfortable to this very day.

I had asked you if you could show me how to clock-in, how to post a timeline thing for the store’s facebook out of curiosity because I saw you do one, and I didn’t know how to put the size tags on the hooks of the hangers....which was new to me too. You seemed a lil tight lipped, so I probably thought I should stop asking you for help. I didn’t know you preferred being called “they” until that one girl with shaved head, I think Jordan, had answered my question about you being a guy or a girl. I wanted to know, but I wondered if I was like that, I would have assumed someone was being too nosy or judgmental. So I didn't speak to you about it until later. Also, you had a very intimidating smile. Maybe it was because I had never seen you smile with your teeth out unless it was because you were laughing at a joke I made or something weird I said.

Convo #2

I don’t know how it started, but I was readjusting clothes to put back onto their hangers and I saw you were in between register 2 and 3. This was the first time I had found out you had a girlfriend....who also worked at the same store....fucking kill me.

Because she started to walk in, and then you yelled to me, “Do you got a bae?” from across the counter I was standing at. And I said “Huh? No”

In my head, Im like why are you asking me that? But then as she came into your view you said “Cuz I got a bae.” And she came behind the register where you were at to clock in and you ignored me and greeted her with a kiss. Then you pointed at her and said to me “That’s my bae.”

And I looked at you so confused like....you fucking weirdo.

And this all happened within a span of like 8 seconds or so....

It was like you were so curious to know if I was single or not, because later on you had asked me again like as if you had forgot,

“Do you got a bae?”

“No.”

But you said it so quick it was like weird because it was in passing that you asked me that again. Like how could you forget that you asked me that? And why were you asking me that if you had a girlfriend already? Were you trying to set me up with someone else? I didn’t want any trouble with you, so I kinda backed off from you because one, I barely even knew you to have that kinda question answered. But me being in shock that you asked, made me blurt out no....like nooo wtf I wasn’t supposed to answer. I used to stick to my morals, tough.

OK>>>SO BACK TO WHEN MY CRUSH STARTED

We were unpacking boxes, greetings...

You asked me “Where you from?” And somehow we were talking about how weird and thirsty it was for Bella to make a set of her phone number out on paper for her to pass to all these college guys. You said it was because she liked getting guy’s attention. And I said yea with all those business cards.

And then somehow the topic of Bella’s sexuality had us talking about our own.

You had asked me if I was gay and I hesitantly said, “I wasn’t sure.” Cause I wasn’t sure if I wanted people know that I was at least bicurious because of my mom. My dad eh.... I was more afraid of her ever finding out. Also, because I honestly never quite had the chance to officially know, I had only looked at certain girls in that certain way unless I had gotten to know them a little better, if I already knew they was gay, or I was just watching lesbian porn. I especially like tongue kissing videos the most. Idk why tongue sucking make out vids was such a clit boner for me. Especially when they suck each others....hold up back to the story 🤣.

But then, you told me that the first time you lost virginity was in third grade. You said “I think about sex all the time.”

And this is where I said “Oh,” because it wasn’t like you were casually saying this. Your eyes changed.

They grew so full, so big and so dark, I didn't even know why you were looking at me like that and how the fuck did you make me so fucking scared and aroused all at the same time. Like I said “eye contact makes me uncomfortable” (It was an adrenal thing...I think. Lets just say anxiety for rn.)

Especially when it looks like a big, bad wolf wants to see what you taste like.

You walked away to go help a customer, but as you came back you asked “so are you a virgin?” and I said “Huh?”

I was still short stiff with a clit boner that I tried to make go away, how else was I supposed to feel??? I was like oohhhhhh shittttt are we gay? I don’t even know what exactly “they” are.

I noticed you started to stare at me a little bit too longer than you should have been looking at my face, but I could understand why now. You knew.

You knew that I was attracted to you.

And my flushed cheeks would not go down as you kept looking at me when we talked. I think thats when we got separated again, because boss told me to start helping people in the aisles.

I looked at you differently after,

I didn’t know what made me pulse up like that for you, because I rarely got clit boners. I thought it was a sign, because it was blinking. Just like my heart was beating.

Looking back on it now, you probably were praying on me, since I was a virgin. You told me way later on that you liked sex with virgins. How come I didn’t runaway after you said that?....I was a blind fool for those eyes.

Fuck.

I ignored all those red flags lol. You know what's even more weirder, I just realized you set that story up 1st to ask me if I was a virgin first, then you asked me if I was gay. But then again, I did mention “what would you say is another word for vagina?” I said “blossom😊” and you said “blossom🤨?”

Cause of course, the only pussy I’ve seen was on porn, but I didn’t watch them “up-close masturbation” videos until after we....😳

How dumb, innocent, and naive I must have been.

I had a hard time accepting my crush for you because you were my 1st gay crush. I came out the closet for you. Over Christmas break, I had to rationalize what it all meant: do we have romantic feelings? do we care if you had a dick, pussy, or none (because you were nonbinary, but I still wanted you), do we care if this crush never comes out because you had a girlfriend? How desperate was I to kiss you? I had never kissed someone outside my gender...I had only kissed one guy that I found out was my cousin at 16. I was 22 and never had a real kiss, still a virgin, still in the closet....at my mom’s house.

My insecurities were through the roooofff and my overthinking made me hesitant to even consider ever ever ever ever telling you...because 2019 was about to start and we were about to get let off as temp workers. I thought maybe I should just let it go because you started working somewhere else and I never saw you at the store for awhile.

Even when boss ended your term 1st, I was so sad, so emotional because I never got to hang out with you like that. We used to play tag with the note clips on people’s shirts, and I used to crack jokes about Brian’s hair patch. It was fun, but I was ready to give up until I saw you at your last day.

I wanted to help you out, but you said you got it when you were putting up calculators. In my head, I was like noooo, let me help you out. Its your last day, how else am I going to see you again? You didn't even have a facebook or instagram with your name, I checked 1st 🥺. I thought maybe it was supposed to be short lived like a crush...until I had my 1st dream about you and I was like ohhhh hellllll nahhhh. Its a sign bitch, go.

So I got you and your gf number off the employee directory list boss had for us to contact each other in case we wanted to trade shifts.

I texted something similar to you like “hey, just wanted to say goodbye to you since I didn't get the chance...”

(which was true because I said goodbye to you the day you came back in to get your scarf, and then you left. Without saying anything back to me out the door. I thought maybe my voice was too soft...or you just didn’t like me as a person..... 😔)

“Just wanted to say it was nice working with you. Maybe I’ll see you around campus?”

But you must have left me on read because I didn't hear nothing back for 2weeks until your gf invited me and some coworkers to go bowling late in January...right around this time. I was the only one that showed up like lol wtf.

I felt like an idiot after we started talking about Taylor.

Thats when I heard my head’s dark side say “BINGO”

Because I had no idea you two were having a threesome with her. In fact I was a little bit jealous that you two were seemed so close as friends...compared to you and I. But I thought it was weird when Bella asked you about if she should hook up with Taylor, you said “Nah, she a little too crazy for you.”

That shoulda been my hint.

Cause’ you even talked about looking at other girls with Key, and I became jealous and insecure then too,

Because Key, looked like a fucking bulldog. Why tf would you want to have sex with her? (my jealous petty thoughts...smh) I looked wayyyyy prettier than her. I thought I should have been the more worthy one to have ben chosen.

I thought you must have liked skinny girls to have liked Taylor like that.

And yea...that me fall down in my esteem too. Sighhhhhh, I thought she must have been lucky to have been picked by you.

Ewwww why am I going goo-goo-ga-ga all over again.

What still rattles me up to this day is...why was I so jealous of your “sub-slutstitues” and not your actual girlfriend? I never understood that.

Was it because me and her were actually starting to become friends and I wasn’t bothered by you and her’s chemistry. It was weird af for me, because usually I would have scowled at someone who was with someone I wanted.

But I guess I actually liked her too,

Which made this last part pretty hard to accept.

That I was a bad friend to her too,

I had only became friends with her to get closer to you, but in the process I wanted her to stay too. We were comfortable with each other and I never experienced being comfortable with intimacy with another woman like her. She made me feel calm, but in a different way than you did. She made me calm like a mother would...like I was a motherless child.

That touch that I had been so longing for, was right there.

And I knew it, after she kissed me. There was no going back. Like I’m right here for both of you now. Not just one.

It was sad, comforting, and rejuvenating all at the same time.

You guys sparked a light in me that I knew I had, but was afraid to light it because of what other people wanted me to be. I never knew that I could make my own choices and do as I pleased because I was always in my mother’s spotlight. And so they became home in my heart and she became my ease of pain.

Maybe I just didn't want to be alone. But I swear, something felt different between you guys and I was so close to proposing us throuple rings. But thats not what she wanted....nuh uh.

Something changed after that 1st lil passionate moment.

Its like she didn’t want me, I was just using you to have some fun.

What I thought was true, wasn't true at all.

And just like that she became my mother. And just like my real mother, I hate her all over again.

I thought how could you be with someone who was so cold and bitter?

She never liked me, she was emotionally unavailable.

Thats why my heart didn’t go ding for her like it did for you. It was like she was always gone, but she was always there.

0 notes