#im only posting this because I have an exam in 20 mins and I cannot get this off my mind

[yoursluttylocalfrog]

Randomly remembering a time me and my lesbian friend got drunk in a semi-formal dinner and thought this guy who had literally told us he went to a gay cruise was straight

[falling-between-the-cracks]

31. First dates

February 2019

I know I have been slightly missing these past few weeks, with relatively few posts on here. To be honest my February has been ridiculously busy, and the self care techniques I perfected in January have pretty much gone right out the window. But here I am trying to get my house back in order. And i thought I would do that by the thing that triggers me the most; Boys.

I can’t remember if I posted about this earlier but a couple weeks ago I rejoined Tinder, simply because I was bored and I needed to occupy my time with something. And ofcourse studying and getting my life in order doesn’t class highly on my priority list. Regardless I got the app and began talking to a couple people.

You know when you join an app for the first time, you’re slightly keen everyone seems good to converse with, good to meet and good looking. And as time progresses you loose interest, you stop messaging and it just dulls down. That is me essentially, but ofcourse there is slightly more to it. Through the app I went on two dates recently, one very promising, one where I may have shot myself in the foot.

So first the good date. I don’t even know how I managed to set this up because my schedule has been relatively all over the place lately. But he was a very beautiful boy, asian, looked kinda tall, cute BUT very young. You see when dating I have two kinda red lines, they’re not set in stone (as I’m slowly learning) but they are there. Firstly, height. I like a boy who is taller than me. I don’t know why but I’d like to end up with someone who is as tall or taller than me. And secondly age. I want someone again the same age or older than me.

He’s the first younger boy I have ever dated! 3 years younger than me, but the most amazing smile I have ever seen. Slightly nervous going in, I soon realized hes adorable. He was fun to talk to, we kinda meandered through some topics, I as usual these days overshared re my life. But it was fun, it was natural, he was cute, he was tall and most importantly he made me laugh. I wanted to kiss him so badly, but the date kinda ended on an awkward hug. As most of my first dates do.

And ofcourse as is the case with me since then I’ve been slightly obsessive. I came out knowing I wanted to see him again. And seeing as this is the year of taking risks I was near ready to message him 20 mins after seeing him, but he ended up messaging me first. And since then we’ve been talking, due to meet again in a few days. But theres a couple issues. Firstly I am falling. I don’t know what and where I’m falling into but I am falling. And that is dangerous. I cannot let myself be swept up in all of those, knowing full well we’re about to enter my busiest phase of life, and my biggest exam of life. Secondly I’ve realised that hes not a massive sharer. I will share my day but there will be relatively little shared about his day. And i don’t know, that drives me a bit mad. Well not mad, but like it doesn’t upset me either, it confuses me. 

So far this post has been heavily descriptive. A bit of reflection maybe. I definitely do like him. And you know how i know. Because I cannot picture sex with him at all. Thats not to say anything about him or me, but over the years I have realised my biggest, hardest, life changing crushes (only 2 to date) have meant that I can picture everything with them, just not sex. So i can picture cute dates, family moments, getting married, travelling, everything with them, just cannot picture them in a sexual way. And i like to think that thats because I like the person. I’m falling for him, not for whats between his legs. Because a friend of mine recently said its the person you need to like, because sex can always improve, but if you like the person then the connection is deeper.

Fuck, he just messaged me. Even small things like this send my heart slightly racing. Does me heart race or am I simply excited to hear from him. I’m so lost. This whole blog your way to find yourself isn’t goddamn working. Because I am still here, fucking lost as always. Blindly walking through the forest. Hey, I just realised I’m no longer in the middle of the sea. Im on ground. In the forest, lost as always but on ground, with a sea of mist around me.

I need to slow down. I need to breathe. I need to take things one step at a time. Conversation with him on messaging apps is hard. Conversation with him in person is great. In person I just want to hug him. But these are all dangerous traits. A while back I wrote about this Anthony Gilet article, about not being the crutches in our way when we go to find love. But I am on crutches. Fuck that i’m fully on a bed, hospitalised. Either I go in full speed, or I don’t go in at all. And I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to make a fool of myself, but also I want to make it clear I want something deeper, stronger. That I like him. But then what if he doesn’t like me. How would I handle rejection. Strangely enough I have not come across a lot of that when dating. 

So where do I go from here? The answer as always is I don’t know. And I fucking hate that answer.