#im on tiktok again and i hate it and i kinda havent felt anything but a sense of heaviness for the most of the last two weeks

[virgoevenus]

computer how do i get rid of the rotting in bed syndrome . quickest route no freeways

[the1975attheirverybest]

ignore this if you want to but basically last thursday was a bit of an awful morning that ended up with me missing my first lecture of the day, sat in bed crying and then bailing on going out to the pub and ignoring everyone which ended up being quite nice. i cant actually remember what i did over the weekend other than not work and then monday was okay like i went to the library and somewhat organised myself but got distracted as i ended up meeting up with friends and then buying wine from tescos do do a greek lit reading night which was fun but really overwhelming (i also dont actually like wine that much) but then tuesday as much as i got out of my flat i then did actually nothing all day and it made me feel awful and then yesterday i dont think i properly got out of bed until 5pm and ive just felt a bit horrific because i feel like im failing academically, ive not been eating properly at all and i kinda just hate myself and i kinda just want to go home but i dont really have the time and i feel like it would just make everything worse when i come back. i also git into a slight argument with a couple of home friends because i sent some a selfie of me as a reaction to something that was said and got a how are you still in bed (i think it was gone midday at that point) and i said ive been trying to will myself out of existence (which in retrospect does sound fucking stupid but i was being sincere) and got basically omg same in response which pissed me off. i then later send some matty related meme which got some form of light-hearted response along the lines of being insane and i then went on a bit of a tirade about how you dont know how mentally ill i actually am and the response kinda was yeah were worried but dont know how to show it lol which again kinda annoyed be given that i have been a mediator to a lot of their quite serious relationship issues but then got a bit of a more sincere response after but i didnt read it properly and havent really said anything bar sending a tiktok because i dont want to have to address me being a bit of an immature dick so now i feel kinda isolated because im not close enough to any of my uni friends to be like hey im having a bit of a crisis can you make sure i actually eat real meals and maybe even force me to the shops to buy food - 🐸

Hey,

I need you to listen to me and know that I am being 100% serious. I don’t think any of this was immature or dickish. Cuz, like, I don’t know. I’ve been in situations where I’m having a bad depressive episodes and when I can finally muster the courage or energy to tell someone about it, I’ve gotten “mood” or “same” in response. And it’s kind of hard because no not “same” you’re not just having a bad day or feeling sad about something like a bad grade on a test or something. You’re literally struggling with an illness. That, on top of getting a comment about not getting out of bed on time when you’ve already been beating yourself up about it is hurtful. Your feelings are totally valid.

Of course, they don’t know that / didn’t mean to hurt you. They thought they were just making a simple comment. But that doesn’t mean you should trivialize how you feel about it.

Maybe once you’re feeling a bit better and more clear headed you can talk to them about how best to support you in moments like this?

In the meantime, I’m happy to force you to go to the shops. What, is it like….1 pm UK time right now? You have until I’m done teaching for the day. Like, 4 hours from now. I better come back on here and see that you’ve gone to get something for a home cooked meal. Otherwise I won’t post what I wanted to post tonight hahaha. No but for real. Do check in and tell me that you went. Mental illness is gross. You’re doing the best you can. He gentler with your brain.

[t0ul053r]

Idk my bsf seems fake rn and im trying so hsrd shes being acting shady since the very end of last year like during freaking christmas times to now bro. I get new yeta new uou but whats with the shade fr smh. Like i dont wanna sound selfish or rude idk if this does but who was there when you felt like no one would listen? Wgo was there when you came home cryyng every single day from school? Who was there when your thoughts overtook you mentally and physically? Who was there when ones you thought you could trust hurt you? I was and now im the one whos making us solit somehow?? Like she answers me like at 2 in the morning when i send a text at like 5pm abd she be online, reposting tiktoks, and more. I get texting can be draining but every day it seems like its draining. And idk how we could be talking all day one day then the next you just start this habit. I guess its kinda my fault because i never bbrought it up or anything but why the frick does she di this. Like what did i do. I wanna know. She always says ih no im not mad at you or i havent done something but what causes yiu to change your whole respinse to me so quick? I feel so selfish to even say that i feel so lonely without her but like shes the person who i felt mist comfortable ariund for the first time in years and she was there at my lowest and never knew or will probably know. Just talking ti her would brung up my moid but now when she finally repsinds i feel no want to respond even tho i just was feeling so angry for her not repsinding. That i now feel guilty about even being upset cause i dont even wanna text her now. She once said we dont talk that much anymore but i wonder why that is. You always leave me on resd or delivered and answer hours later? You act like i dont have feelings cause when you want sum from me you will keep soamming till i answer snd sct like its the end of rhe wirkd but if i do that you be like hold on omg. WHEN WE USED TO DO THAT NORMALLY. I really hate this sm. Idk what to di. I found someone who texts me alot and stuff but it doesnt feel the same and ahyone who i enjoy a lot i just feel so guilty for talking to them and not her. Even thi she wont respond. I know shes doing better or at least thats what it seems. I hope she is. I hope all the best things on her shes a great persona bd works for what she wbats. She deserves it. I just wish shed tell me what i did. I rather have all the hateful truth than live in a lie of nothing but pure lies to protect myself from relaity. I really do love her shes the best hut i want her to cuss me out shout at me do whatever to explain to me why she does this. Texting is so draining but shell come iut her way to tlel me about how her and lover text all night long ir whatever then disappear again when i listen to thag story. She wont even let me know her crushes and when i ask she acts so sahdy. Also with the “i already told you” crap. I akready told her milkions of things but i dont gotta remind her or not say it anymore. People genuinely forget the knky thing i do isnt just travj everything abiut her. I just feek so guilty. I akways feel guilty for doing anything and i hate it i hate feeling guiltt but every singkebday thats all i feel