#im on mobile i am NOT bothered to fix the tags and play around with this goddamn i think ordering by alphabet tags feature. i will cry

[cannibalovers]

i was obsessed with the handmaiden (still am, at the back of my head), i should not he surprised that i ended up obsessed with hannibal

[katekanekatekane]

I feel raw. 

(I also feel kinda sick, so I either am Having Emotions because im getting sick, or I’m Having So Many Emotions that i feel sick so that’s uhhh... annoying)

But old ass stuff has been coming for me lately and it’s a pain in the ass??

Like I read a twitter thread about stalking the other day and jesus christ it shot me right back. I hadn’t really thought about that being stalked had felt like in a long time and it’s so fucking gross. I remember being powerless and terrified and I felt for the woman talking about her experiences, I really fucking did. 

But that’s some old ass shit!!! I haven’t been fully bothered by my old stalker in like 4 years, those experiences are things that I’ve processed and aren’t part of my life anymore. Like... I don’t... need to worry about this..??? WHy must I have emotions about it?? Now??? 

And like... christ

Last night i was tag ranting because I always post on mobile and this site is a joke and i cant do stuff beneath a cut like this on mobile. And I... I worked through it all a little by ranting that way but I NEED to express why last night was so upsetting, but even verbalizing it is super draining and the idea of talking to someone else feels like a burden and I don’t want to put that on the people that I want to talk to... And ugh. Okay, let’s do this.

Last night.

I signed up for a risograph printing class. 

I was excited. 

I waited and splurged on it and I really want to learn riso.

Classes like that are socially scary for me, because new place, new people, new things,  but I wanted to do it, so I went out on the limb. This is also something that a younger, less healthy, me would have AGONIZED about before hand, but the me of today didn’t waste time worrying about ahead of time, because that’s not productive or useful. 

So, I go to the class.

The teacher seems nice.

My classmates seem okay. 3 out of the 5 of us already knew each other, so that makes stuff a little awkward for the other two of us, but whatever.  

I’m making small talk. Again, this is something that a younger me never would have dreamed of. Being brave enough to make small talk with strangers and to start conversations myself is leaps and bounds past the stuff I would have been able to do even a few years ago.

So, the teacher goes over the basics. I’m excited. Nervous, because my work hasn’t been super inclined to sitting down and shooting from the hip lately, but fine.

I start working.

I get excited about my project. 

It’s different than what everyone else is doing, but I think I can make it work, and it seems like a fun thing to make. I’d rather try and fail to do something I find interesting and care about than just bullshit around and make art I don’t give a shit about because it’s easy.

Cool, okay.

So, I’m drawing and prepping longer than my classmates. My classmates were all getting up and starting to print while i was still drawing. That’s okay. I have two hours of class left, I can make this work. 

I prep my different colored masters.

I go up to the riso for the teacher to help guide me through my first print. I’m the last to start.

(also note all 5 of us are sharing one riso, so we’re all taking turns, and other people are inclined to wait around up close by the machine for their turns-- something that is socially kind of a nightmare for me because uhhh I don’t want to be rude and people waiting like that makes me inclined to rush and make hurried choices.)

I grab a stack of paper to print on. I notice, once the teacher has already loaded it in, that the paper is cut and stacked a little crooked, which seems like it could be bad. It’s kinda too late, printing is already happening. I figure, “okay, whatever. It’ll be okay. I don’t mind the colors being misaligned.”

Also, note, I thought I was playing it cool that I was a little nervous and anxious. I was apologetic and stuff, but not anything that out of the ordinary for a new student. But that teacher, bless her heart, was astute as FUCK and in the worst possible way. She kept comfortingly being like “it’s okay” but in a way that showed me that she clearly saw me as shaky and uneasy, even when I was keeping it together pretty well. Or I thought I was keeping it together. So that’s not a Great sign. I don’t love my weakness being visible when I wasn’t trying to be vulnerable. 

I finish printing color #1.

I go back to work on the next level color master. I’m hurrying a little now, the end of class is getting nearer.

Eventually I go up to print this level and the teacher rejects it. It’s the alignment is off. Shit. I wasted all that time and have to start over.

I go back and make another, the end of class is getting TOO close. We have like 30 min. The professor is both hovering a little and avoiding me, clearly worried that I won’t finish. I am RUSHING. I decide to ditch doing a third color. This next level is going to be mediocre and weird, but it’ll be okay. I’m stressing about the time wasted on the ditched layer.

I’m waiting to use the riso with the others. She gets me in between people because I’m so far behind. Which, while nice, puts me on the spot again and doesn’t feel great because I’m clearly the artistic runt of this liter. Which would be fine if it wasn’t being broadcast to everyone else and I wasn’t getting special pity treatment.

We do a test proof. It’s bad. The alignement is awful. But everyone is standing around me and clearly wants to get more of their own prints in and I”m behind and being a pain and clearly getting special pity treatment, I don’t want more special pity treatment or to take more time from my classmates, so even though it’s AWFUL I say to just go ahead and print.

The teacher asks if I’m sure. Her face is full of sympathy and pity and she’s watching me like I’m a wounded animal. She sees the  fragility that I’m trying to hide and I hate it. I know that part of anxiety is always over reading what other people are thinking and feeling but I could SEE it on her and that’s what really fucked me up about last night. It wasn’t just my brain, so I couldn’t just write it off as my brain. This woman was seeing things that I didn’t want her to see, and instead of politely ignoring them for my pride, she was treating me like a fragile thing. 

I say yes to printing because if this moment lasts any longer i”m going to have an anxiety attack.

I go ahead and print and the prints start coming out and look unsurprisingly awful. She knows this. I know this. The others looking on, sympathetically, know this.

She gives me a pity compliment. “Oh, it looks kind of cool like this. This is one of the cool things about printing--” 

All artists have done this. We’ve all tried to be gentle with someone who’s work is a mess and is falling apart and looks terrible but we don’t want to be mean or hurt them so we dig for pity compliments. Pity compliments, while well intentioned are the devil. That makes me feel a thousand times worse than if she’d said “Well, it’s off, but this is your first time. It doesn’t have to be perfect.”

I’d rather admit defeat and learn from it than someone pretend something awful is good to protect my ego.

And to make all this worse, the printer starts messing up. It’s grabbing more pages than it should, and misprinting already misaligned pages. She gets me to feed them back through. It does it again. She has me do it again. This is awful. What was already embarrassing and terrible is being prolonged, and each time I get more panicked, which only makes this worse. 

One or two of my classmates join in on the pity compliments. I want to die. I thank them, grab my prints, and bolt.

The teacher stops me, “Are you sure you don’t want to do a third color?”

It’s 10 till the end of class and other people who are WAY ahead of me and clearly want to do their own prints. I say no. 

I don’t want to take more time from other people. The piece is already ruined. She gives me a pitying look. She’s sympathetic. 

Others start printing. Good. Good. 

I went and hid in the bathroom for a minute to take a breath and cut down on social stimulation. I’m trying not to cry. I promise myself I will make it to my car before I cry. I wash my hands and fix my hair and pretend I’m okay.

I made it to my car.

But, okay. I know that, in the scheme of things, that this night was nothing. It was a little mess up that shouldn’t matter. But it hit a nerve.

What is the nerve?

Treating me like a weak, fragile thing. 

I’ve been that weak, fragile person that she saw. But I thought that I wasn’t that anymore. I thought that I knew that I’m not. 

I have come so. far.

But that didn’t matter. How much better I am now didn’t matter at all. 

Me as I am now, to her, was the same as the weaker, more fragile person that I once was. She didn’t see the trembling, or the stuttering, or the sweating that I would have been doing 4, 6, or 10 years ago. She didn’t notice that I tried to make small talk with her to alleviate the awkwardness of last night, and didn’t see how much better that was than the lip biting silence and shuffling that I would have been doing a few years ago.

My strong was her weak.

And she fucking saw me.

That’s the worst part of all this.

If she hadn’t noticed, that would have been totally fine and perfect. Or if I had been reading too much onto her, I could have gone home and been like “nah, that was on me.”

No.

She saw my anxiety and fear and reacted the WORST possible way that someone could react to me and it made me want to disappear.

I would have taken her pretending not to notice. I would have taken her actually not noticing. Hell, I would have taken her being rude or openly hostile and cruel. But pity. JESUS CHRIST, pity. Pity means that she doesn’t think I’m strong enough to handle being treated normally, and that makes me want to vomit. She saw me, and she saw weakness, she saw fragility.

I can scream all I want about how strong and solid I am now, but that doesn’t matter a fucking inch because what she saw is so telling.

Regardless of what I think I am, what other people see when they looks at me shows what the world sees. What those not measuring by growth see. 

And I... I know I have weak moments. I know that I have moments of fragility or open anxiousness or being obviously sensitive.

But this moment was barely on that scale. I was doing pretty well for me. I thought that I was doing okay.

But she clearly didn’t think so.

So that’s uhhhh awful.

And seriously, she was super nice. I’m not upset with her. I’m just upset, and upset with myself.

Nothing has changed, I’ll keep trying new things and pushing and trying to be brave. But this hurt. This hurt a lot.  

I was really knocked down a peg. Didn’t realize that I needed to be knocked down but uuuh apparently I did. 

So

I’m okay. 

I’m just sore. 

But I’m okay.

(Or I will be.)

[patternedwings]

Mobile Rules || Long Post

Location

Don’t assume your muse is always in the same location as Redstrike. Generally speaking, interactions will be handled through comm lines or Tumblr/the DataNet unless there is an in-character or out-of-character reason/agreement for Redstrike and your muse to meet somewhere. I’ll make exceptions for god-tier muses, and starters/prompts that require interaction between muses who are within the same physical space.

For reasons why you’re muse is not allowed to immediately start physical interactions see this post.

The ask and submission box are open.

Godmodding

Don’t godmod/powerplay. I acknowledge and understand that Redstrike isn’t all powerful and can’t win everything, but I don’t appreciate having my muse unfairly bulldozed without warning either. Speaking honestly too, I have very little experience in writing fights, and what experience I do have is very poor, so I prefer to avoid them if at all possible. If our muses do end up getting in a fight, you and I will likely need to communicate a lot about what’s going on so I can get a better idea of what’s being expected of me and what I need to do. If you don’t want to be bothered with discussions about the fight please let me know so we can collaborate on an agreed ending and handwave the thread’s conclusion.

Don’t start plots/threads that will greatly affect Redstrike with other people without consulting me first. I’m not saying you can’t create these plots or play them out, but that I want to be a part of the discussions as well because it’s not fair for you to make up a story involving my muse without telling me.

Multiverse, AUs, and Shipping

Multiverse

I’m selective, but I’m willing to play with all Transformers characters and continuities. Canon characters and original characters are equally welcome. I’m also willing to play with characters from non-Transformers series, but I may need help with understanding them/the show they’re from if I don’t know it very well.

All characters will be treated as though they’re from a completely different universe from Redstrike’s. Don’t assume your character is a part of his universe or assume him to be a part of your character’s. I’m already sharing his universe with a friend and will not be making any sudden changes without their permission and input.

I’m not exclusive with anybody, so I’ll role play with duplicates and treat them all as separate entities from each other. Redstrike will not mix any duplicates with each other and treat them all like they individuals they are.

It’s fine if you want to create a new verse so you can interact with Redstrike freely, but I won’t make a similar verse to be paired up with your’s unless I’m considering it to be an AU. Otherwise, Redstrike will remained fixed in one universe.

AUs

I’m always willing to play with AUs. AU threads will always be tagged to distinguish them from the main universe.

Shipping

I’m open to shipping all kinds of relationships (romance, friends, enemies, frenemies, ect.). I’m open to preestablished relationships with discussion.

Redstrike is polygamous so all romantic relationships will be happening at the same time, in the same universe. If and when new romantic relationships develop I’ll get a hold of my ship partners to let them know of the new development, and will have Redstrike get a hold of his partner(s) so they will know. It is okay if you/your character do not want Redstrike pursuing other romantic relationships. That is a perfectly valid desire and I will respect it. However, given that he is polygamous and not interested in being exclusive this will likely end the romantic relationship, so that all parties can be happy.

Greeting Posts and Text Patterns

Greeting Posts

I will not write a greeting post/thread for you unless your character really strikes my muse’s interest. You are more than welcome to write a greeting post/thread for me though if the interest strikes you. I will answer it.

Text Patterns

“This is speech.” Voice Claim: Peter Jessop. (Example 1 [The Exo voice]; Example 2 [The first one to speak/the Exo])

/:This is comm line speech.:\

//: This is text message.

This is regular stuff like actions between speech or text on a post.

[Actions may also be like this if the thread is script format.]

Thoughts will be written like general text but in italics and outside of quotation marks.

((This is mun talk.)) // - This is also mun talk when I am commenting on your post or making a long out of character post.

Replying and Messaging

I’ll reply to threads as soon as I can, but generally speaking I’m going to be slow with them. Between my job, my other hobbies, and my overall ability to tap into my muse I don’t have the time and energy to be online everyday, writing out replies all day long. Please have patience with me. If it seems like I’ve forgotten our thread though feel free to send me a massage about it. One reminder is all I’ll need though so please don’t give me multiple reminders about our thread.

Don’t tell me to stylize my posts or to write novella lengths if I’m not feeling it. If you want to stylize your posts and use extra prose with your writing that’s fine, but I don’t find it enjoyable so I won’t be doing it too.

Please do not message me in character through the Tumblr IM feature because I will be using to speak out of character.

Askbox Memes

If I reblog a meme that implies that your character is familiar with Redstrike then your character actually needs to be familiar with Redstrike. I can’t give a deep and detailed response if I have no history to work with, and I don’t enjoy making something out of nothing.

You’re welcome to make in-character and out-of-character comments on all my answered memes, even if you weren’t the person who sent the prompt. You’re welcome to turn in-character meme prompts and comments into thread starters.

I don’t enforce reblog karma on my blog.

Magic Anons and Anons In General

Magic Anons (M!As)

I accept magic anons (M!As). However,

I won’t activate a magic anon the moment I get it. I’ll keep the spell in my inbox until I have some plots planned out and an opening in my personal life to play out the magic.

I’ll alter spells as I need to and see fit (usually to extend or shorten time periods).

I won’t accept any spells that force Redstrike to be bonded to someone, start carrying a random sparkling, trigger overloads, or cause him to be in a heat spell.

Spells that force Redstrike to feel a specific emotion towards someone will be accepted so long as the other player (if another player must be involved in the spell) is okay with it.

Attempts to change his gender (ie: make him a femme instead of a mech) will not work because he does not work on the mech/femme gender binary. His universe has frame types; His current frame type is peregrine.

I’ll delete any spells that don’t follow these rules or that don’t strike my interest.

Anons In General

Anonymous messages will be treated as they are: anonymous messages. Anons that start to imply or show a physical presence will either be treated as a small, grey humanoid creatures or as a NPC mecha, depending on the location of Redstrike. (If he’s alone on Crossfire, anons will be treated like creatures; If he’s on Cybertron, anons will be treated like mecha.)

Please don���t metagame through anonymous asks (ie: sharing private information of another character to Redstrike or visa versa). It may be tempting to do this so plots can get going much faster, but I want stories happen in an organic fashion.

Miscellaneous

IC =/= OOC; In character things are not to be treated like out of character things. Redstrike can, does, and will say or do things that I, the mun (Mud), do not wholly agree with. If you imply or act like that Redstrike’s words and actions are a reflection of my personal character I will unfollow and block you.

Don’t interact with/follow me if you’re an anti of any kind. I don’t care what it is you’re against, whether it’s a ship, a genre, or a depiction of violence. Fiction isn’t reality and the notion that it is or that fiction will inspire people to do real life harm is annoying and dangerous. I don’t care to have discussions about this. I don’t care to walk on eggshells around other people because they refuse to mind their own business and let others enjoy dark fiction. I’ll also be blocking any antis I see to protect myself from harassment.

If you’re wondering about other things that are not discussed here or on my other pages, check out my RP things tag. If you still can’t find the answer you seek then please feel free to send me a message.