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dark-angel666 · 6 years

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You have your mothers eyes

Summary: You and the boys tell jack that family isn’t just in blood but in those around you....I guess idk I’m bad at summaries. Enjoy! or not I can’t tell ya what to do.

You walked into the bunkers library to find Cas, Sam and Jack all working separately in silence. You’re eyes scanned the room and fell on Jack sitting gazing at a book not really reading it but more staring at the words lost in thought, you lightly placed yourself down in a chair beside him trying no to startle him “Penny for your thoughts” you asked peeking your head around behind the book to get his attention. Jack sprung to life “uhh I umm” looked at you muddled “Its an expression” your words fell flat in your throat and decided you explain it another time “whats on your mind you seem…distant” you asked him genuinely concerned. Jack closed the book and placed it silently on the table “Am I going to be like my father?” his voice flowed heavily from behind his lips, the room grew smaller as all attention fell to you and Jack. “Why do you ask that jack?” Cas inquired looking probingly at Jack. “I heard Dean telling Sam that he's as stubborn as their father, so I started reading about inherited behaviours” Jack said tapping the psychology book he has been reading…well staring at mostly. “Jack just because Lucifer is bad doesn't mean you will be” Sam said doing his best to reassure Jack. “But it says that children inherit behavioural traits from their parents how can anything i inherit from Lucifer not be evil” Jack said his voice rising a little, he was encompassed with fear at what he could become. You placed a hand on Jacks shoulder “Jack traits aren't inherently good or evil its how you use them” Jack looked at you his eyes almost begging for answers. You found your words carefully before speaking “Jack I've seen some of your fathers traits in you” Castiel went to interject but you threw him a look imploring him to trust you know what you were doing. “You have his determination” Jacks face paled with fear, you gripped his shoulder tighter “but Jack determination isn’t evil its a firmness of purpose Jack, sure Lucifers determination usually is for the purpose of destroying the world” you shrugged your shoulders in a comedic fashion in an attempt to lighten the situation to little success “BUT Jack your determination has been used to save people”. Colour returned to Jacks face “Jack your determination brought Mary back to her boys, it saved so many people from Michael and this thirst for destruction” Jack nodded at you gingerly. “Jack you may have traits of his but you will never be him, anyway you got so much more from your mother” Jack looked eagerly at you wanting to hear more.

“You have your mothers eyes ”Jack looked up at you quizzically delicately tracing his under eyes “but my eyes are blue” A soft giggle escaped the corner of your mouth at his confusion, you brought his hand into yours “no jack what I mean is” you looked around the table for Sam’s laptop “here” you said pulling the laptop in front of you both and opening the video file of kelly. “I love you so much” kelly cried sweetly before you paused the video “Look into her eyes jack what do you see?”. Jack lightly titled his head at you questioningly ‘Go on” you nodded to the screen. Jack turned and studies his mother eyes intently “Tears and sadness” he said lowering his head to his chest, you placed a hand under his chin and guided his eyes to yours. “Oh jack, do you wanna know what I see?” he nodded gently. you pulled the screen closer to you both and made sure jack was focused on his mothers eyes. “Jack when I look into your mothers eyes the first thing I see is love so so much love and an unending pool of kindness. I also see hope and faith and the unbreakable desire to do good” Jacks listened intently as he scanned his mothers eyes taking in every word. you gave him a moment before bringing his eyes back to yours “and when I look into your eyes jack I see that same love and kindness, and faith but most of all I see that same desire to do good and be good”. Jack smiled warmly at you “That jack is why you have your mothers eyes, not for the colour of them but for the soul in them and they are so beautiful” jack leant back in his chair and started at the image of his mother smiling at her eyes as if only seeing them for the first time.

You looked up to see Sam and Castiel looking at you smiling and nodding at you in agreement, you studied Castiels face. “And you've got Castiels face” Cas gave you the same look jack had given you moments before as he tilted his head, you shook your head gently and smiled “I mean much much younger looking tho” you giggled out, your giggle was joined by a slight chuckle from Sam. While jack and Cas wore mirroring looks of perplexity at your statement “ I swear they do that on purpose” you said to Sam gesturing at their shared expression. You and Sam shared a chuckle before you moved on to clarify your statement “What I mean is that you don't just get things from the family you are born of you are also made up of the family you are born into” their expressions softened a little but you knew you needed to further explain yourself. “The people around us help form who we are and in you jack I see elements of people like Cas and Sam and Dean” you saw a glimmer of pride in Jacks face he liked hearing himself compared to the men he looked up to, he looked eager to hear more as did Cas and Sam. “You’ve got a face that has seen more pain and death than any face ever should see” Jacks eyes grew sad “but its a face that never truly loses hope” Jack looked up at Cas and studied his face. “Cas has been through so much, he has made mistakes and seen atrocities but he's never given up not truely” You looked deeply into Castiels face remembering all the times before that you have looked to that same face for hope. “No matter how low we have been, no matter how hopeless the situation I can always look to Cas and see hope because he never gives up, not on us, not on heaven, not on you and I see that same hope in you” you looked to Jack as he watched you intently “your face wears signs of war but is not worn by war, its still so bright and full of hope” you delicately cup jacks cheek in your hand as he gently leans into it. “You also have the same nose” You say as pull you hand from his cheek and ‘Boop’ Jacks nose. Jack and Cas both look at each other while examining their noses, Sam just looks at them giving an acknowledging nod and slight hum “hmmm”.

Jack then turns back to you tentatively waiting for you to continue, you look between Jack and Sam before landing on a point in your mind. “You have Sam’s voice” the room is silent, no one quite sure how to respond to that, “Metaphorically” you say rolling your eyes a little. Jack nods at you if understanding but the utter vacant look on his face makes his confusion clear, you sigh gently “Sam is a walking fountain of knowledge, inspiring speeches, logic, reason and kind words” Sam looked at you with an unsure but thankful look “ no matter how far off the deep end the people around him go Sam is always there to call their name and pull them back, he has talked me off many a ledge” Sam’s eyes lit up quizzically, you could feel his glaze burrow into you. “Whether he knows it or not Sam has come to me in my darkest hours, moments before going out on reckless hunt or to do something just down right dumb and even just a simple conversation is filled with words of wisdom spoken through unrelenting kindness” Jack nodded in agreement remembering the times Sam has reassured him of his worth and that he is indeed good. “And you have that same voice jack, a voice bathed in kindness and full of love for those around you” Jack smiled widely at you full of pride. “And you've got Deans heart”. They all looked at you as if fully understanding what you meant but still wanting you to continue, “Dean has such a big heart full of the desire to do good” your head hung slightly “but so caught up in turmoil, you both have this burning fear that your will and desire to do good doesn't out weight the bad that you’ve done that you could do” the room grew heavier as the truth of that statement settled into place. “But you’re both so wrong” Jacks eyes met yours and for a moment you swam in their desire for good before continuing “you both fight so hard to save the ones you love, the whole damn world putting your whole heart into everyone else that you forget just how special you are” you notice a fleck of disappointment in jacks eyes and it pains you “Not because you’re a Nephilim or the chosen vessel or some prophesy of biblical proportions but because you are both deep down at heart good people doing their best in a broken world and are willing to not only die for those you love but more importantly you’re willing to live for them”. The room sat quietly for a moment until jack looked up at you and asked “What about you?” now you were the quizzical one “What about me?” you asked perplexed, “What do I get from you?”. You hum genuinely unsure of how to answer “I don’t know” you looked Jack up and down noticing his velcro shoes and laughed “Probably terrible fashion sense why on earth did I let you get old man shoes” the room chuckled while Jack looked at his shoes unsure of what to make of the statement, when the sound was broken by a new voice. “Your smile” Dean’s voice occupied with room as all heads snapped around to see him standing in the entrance to the bunkers library with a six pack in hand, a small pool of water building below as the cold beers condensation dripped onto the floor marking the passage of time. “He’s got your smile” Dean repeated as he moved further into the room slowly handing out beers to the rooms occupants before seating himself next to you and handing you an open beer as he continued. “you’ve got a genuine smile that spreads from your cupids bow and reaches beyond the corners of your mouth to your eyes” Dean stared at you as a smile spread across your face, you were unable to stop it “But it’s higher on one side” Castiel chimed in. You looked at the angel genuinely shocked that had paid close attention to your smile, “Its can be rare but its always genuine, its never there to hide pain its like a sacred thing” Sam said nodding softy at you “You never want to taint it with sorrow so you keep that certain smile for special occasions” Dean finished Sam’s train of thought. “And I see it in Jack, that special smile of genuine happiness and hope as if given to him as gift” Dean said before taking another swig of his beer. Jack looked at your smile and felt as one corner of his mouth raised high than the other into a smile “I like it” he chirped “thank you for your smile” Jack said sweetly. You all sat contently drinking and just chatting for the rest of the night not about monster or the apocalypse on the horizon that could wait for tomorrow but tonight was a night to just forget the bad and enjoy the good while it lasted, if it lasted.

#supernatural #supernatural jack #jack kline #dean winchester #Sam Winchester #castiel #supernatural fic

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beccashapiro94 · 6 years

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Past Truths

Today I watched a youtube video on complicated grief . ( complicated grief is basically when the griefing process becomes abnormal by complicated feelings around the death , such as survivor guilt , trauma unhealed with person that died , or great anger of death . the other difference is that complicated grief intrudes on life where as grief helps you get past the loss) When i listened to it all i could think about was the day my dad died . ( i mean obviously i would draw back to that .)

To say my relationship with him was complicated is an understatement for sure. He was the only one who listened to all my rantings and who let me be truely me ; but than would knock me down in an instant with his quick wit and zappy one liners . He also believed in me but never thought i’d amount to anything all at the same time. I also idolized him , I didn’t realize this until he died . Once he was gone it was like my soul died a bit and than E.D. who was always in my dad’s voice took his place completely even while pregnant. ( E.D. is at least what most of us with eating disorders call our eating disorder , obvious i know but some people do get confused because i pronounce it like a name of a person Edd .)

Back to the youtube video it said some of the reasons someone can have complicated grief one of those was you were not able to grief at the time due to planning the funeral or being strong for someone else . For me i was 6 months pregnant at the time and it was a complicated one. Gestational diabetes, Preeclampsia, and my liver was basically failing . I saw the body , everyone told me not to when i got there but i had too i just couldn’t believe it until i saw . It was traumatic to say the least . it reminded me of when my dad had been rushed to a hospital and had emergency surgery for very bad peritanitis ( infection of the pertanium from home dialysis) and bowl blockage . When he came out of surgery they had to put him in a medically induced coma and on machines i was holding my dad’s hand when that happened and i saw the fear and panic in his eyes and than they suddenly went dead i saw all that was him leave and i guess i seemed frantic because the nurse rushed me out and said the vending machine has snack still .

Now i saw him really with no life , at least when they medically induced him a machine made his chest move up and down. This wasn’t a movie set or t.v. show he had rigamortis and was sitting on the couch when he died they put him on the floor but was still in a seated position. ( they moved him as it was obviously natural causes he had terminal cancer, dialysis, and oxygen for copd) I burst out of his apartment unable to really speak but tears flowing and had to call my sister and my mother and sign things for police and emts that part is all a blurr now i just know i must have done it .

That same hour ed came back in my head from a 9 month vacation. How can you eat at a time like this ? Sure there is a baby inside you but who cares you need to kill yourself . ( yea he gets real dark) but i had to put everything aside i couldn’t think of my dad with out almost having a stroke ( blood pressure wise ) so i focused all my energy on being pregnant and the baby and i kept telling myself ill grieve later . Than once my son was born he was in NICU and we didn’t know when or if he’d come home, so again i said i will grieve later . Than i got an infection in my csection and just one surgery after the other even now i’m waiting for another surgery that has to happen to remove a cyst and scar tissue .

so i’ve realized the reason i still cry instantly when i even dare think my dads name i just turn into a puddle of tears is i have never grieved but im unsure also if i wish too. I loved my dad with all my heart , but he is a huge chunk of my self esteem issues and eating disorder issues . When my mom left i had to live with my dad and he thought i was super overweight the year before i had been molested and did gain quite a lot of weight. . His solution any time i ate anything he would yell at me about how fat i am ;he would repeatedly not pack me enough for lunch or a lunch at all and never gave me lunch money. I was bullied to the point of sucidal ideation for my weight and instead of being a soft spot to land he would just say well they are just saying what they observed don’t like it loose the weight . He also thought i was slut . I remember specifically that once i told him i saw an ex at the grocery store and he stated quite point blank “ bet that happens all the time since you’ve slept with most of Austin” . Anytime ED speaks in my head it is always my father’s voice.

On the flip side my dad was always the one who understood me. He admired that even though kids made fun of me for being jewish i never wavered in being proud of it. I knew three languages he loved it . I was smart and witty like him . We had the same humor and same likes . I am definitely the attitude of my mother but the presence and likes of my father. My father was an amazing story teller and writer and while i lack in both somewhat i got all this from him. He was a learned man as my rabbi would say and while i don’t have a degree yet most people think i’m knowledgeable in a lot of subjects. My dad was an amazing man.

I’m conflicted with these feelings and that is why i have no clue whether i will ever grieve properly. I can never hear him say i’m sorry for the trauma and pain he has inflicted; i will never get to apologize for just seeing him as a human with faults and not as some all knowing being i had to be like .

while the tears flow ,

have a wonderful day beautiful people

#ptsd #trauma #eatingdisorder #chronic illness

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musubiki · 6 years

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Got any hcs for white? Her starter, her journey, etc? And like. Fws hcs?? 👀👀👀

K HERE WE GO MY SECOND FAVORITE GIRL EVER(this is gonna be long bc. i like them too)

➞

white chose tepig as her starter. this is actually a GREAT match because Gus is really rash and hasty and stubborn fist fighter just like her

white has never lost a battle. that was her goal it was never really to become champion or anything (she didnt care for all the responsibility that came with it) her goal was to be undefeated. which did not bode well for cheren, who wanted to be champion, and lost every battle against her

“well this is discouraging”

she really loves bianca!!! and cheren!!!!! she has the least patience and sense out of the three. cheren has to keep her grounded so she doesnt do weird shit

white is physically the strongest out of the protags. its mysterious. she als o has the best hair

when she first meets N he is. a creep. im sorry. even i see it like that when you first meet him hes weird. when she first hears the team plasma speech in the first town, shes like boiling already. why would anyone listen to the knights of the round table?! this is weird. she kicks N’s ass first battle.

her problem from here on out and throughout the journey is that. she was the opposite of N. she thought that everyone treated their pokemon nicely and no one could ever hurt a pokemon. she learned she was wrong fairly quickly, and tried to fix and embrace reality instead of N, who tried to change the world all at once.

this is why shes the hero of truth and hes the hero of ideals.

i dont have a lot of solid hc interactions between them (mostly bc i havent played in a while jfklas i abandoned my boy) but throughout their journey they. actually talk. and argue. and they both equally learn things from each other. and despite him being kinda weird (she thinks) shes actually kinda concerned for him

he makes her think about things she wouldnt otherwise. not just the fate of pokemon but about the future and the whole world. because of him she actually has this moment, where she has all of her current team out. and she realises that she is, like what he says and just makes her pokemon fight. of course and loves and cares for them, and she just. asks them real solemly like. “Do you guys even want to fight? Like do you even like being here?”

and she already decided that if any of them didn’t want to be there, she would let them go.

luckily, her whole team is full of pokemon just like her and they enjoy the fights, and the adventure, and spending time with her, and shes thrilled. after this she asks pokemon she catches that she wants to keep if they wanna stay with her

i love N a lot ok. whenever N talks to white she always says something that surprises him and makes him look at the world differently. eventually he finds himself actually seeking her out and deliberatly looking for chances to run into her. he gains a lot of respect for her. whenever he talks to her he takes his hat off and nervoulsy kinda. holds it in his hands and shes kinda “?”

when she first finds out hes king. of team plasma. shes pissed. shes ready to TIP TH DAMN CART THING IN THE FERRISHWEEL AND HAVE A FIGHT RIGHT THERE. HES TELLING HER TO CALM DOWN AND SHES LIKE HOW DID YOU EXPECT ME TO REACT??????????????

shes angry bc hes the king of this. horrible orginization. and as far as shes seen all they do is steal and abuse pokemon. the next few times she talks to him he tells her that theyre nothing like that, and that they only look after pokemon

this is actually true. some of the grunts fully believe in the true cause. but most of them follow ghetsis. and N has no idea that his grunts are actually abusing and stealing (i keep thinking about the dreamyard because that scene was what the fuck????a re you doing????)

she begins to realize this. that he has no idea. and that he actually believes in this cause. and as she gets to know him she realises he is. the purest person. and he has no idea. and she feels kinda bad bc she was kinda mean to him before, but hes still plasma so shes confused about how she should treat him because he always treats her and her pokemon pretty nicely.

N is actually a very nice and gentle soul. he’ll put up a fight for sure, but especially towards white hes the sgtwytwytws weetest thing im sorry i have a soft spot for him. lowkey he wants her approval.

if youve ever seen miraculous ladybug, i imagine N to be kind of like adrien(without the chat side to him) like hes just. nice. and gentle and. cute.

i hc that they have way more interactions than the game gives you

the best thing theyve ever had together was this celebration in Iccirus city (similar to like…the 4th of july kinda thing..) and whites pretty alone. cherena and bianca are off doing Arceus knows what and shes like. alone. and she finds N outside the city with some pokemon.

so she goes and talks to him. questions why hes out here all alone in like, the cold. shouldnt you be with your family or something? its a holiday. and she caught him off gaurd and he immedatly like stands up and hes kinda happy to see her. he doesnt question why but hes. happy. when shes around.

he tells her his father never really cared for these kinds of celebrations anyway, and that he usually spends these kinds of days alone. he doesnt think this is a big deal but whites kinda,.. lonely too. so she proposes “Listen, no one should be alone today. And I don’t really have anyone to hang out with either, so what do you say we just, forget about the sworn enemies thing for the night and go have some fun or something”

and hes. surprised. here she goes again. always saying something new and pleasent and hes. like beaming hes so cutnhejfje so he agrees.

and this turns into. a pretty great night for them both actually. like they actually get along great when theyre not arguing about the future of unova. they play a lot of booth games and.

hdj white loses at one of those ball tossing games(she usually loses and then harasses the booth guy with “Booo its rigged” but she just likes to have fun) and N. is determined. he fuckin. calculates wind direction and all this weird shit and gets. a record high score and shes like how the fuck did you do that. he smiles and answers its all in the wrist.

he gets her some stuffed animal thing. shes like this is the best day ever shes thrilled. they go and get food and like by the end of the night theyre actually. like friends. and she didnt think this would happen but she actually likes hanging out with him. at some point she wins a seashell necklace that she wears for the timeskip outfit

so theyre sitting there at the edge of the festival whatever eating caramel popcorn and ice cream and hot dogs laughing and telling stories about weird people theyve met and crazy things theyve done.

and they talk about his family. and why hes with plasma in the first place. and where her parents are. and why they believe in the things that they say and do. it turns out theyre both orphans. the only difference between them is that hes alone

at some point (i forget how this comes up) he asks white if theyre friends. she pauses for a while because she doesnt know how to answer it. yes, she thinks, when she’s with him like this. when she forgets that hes leading a region-wide organization aiming to seperate people and pokemon. but she settles with a yes, and jokingly adds that if they were destined to be mortal enemies they could hang out more, and he smiles

she spots a pair of plasma grunts, looks like theyre doing some shady things, but her head flashes back to the conversations shes had with N. he doesnt know what his grunts do. so she tells him to stay there and she’ll be back. hes kind of confused and worried, so he follows her from a distance.

she follows the grunts into a cave/grotto/area. yep, here they are abusing some poor purrloins or something, trying to get something that ghetsis claims he needs. she has her stountland right beside her and angrily questions what they think theyre doing.

when they snarkily and confidently answer that they do whatever they want, she asks why theyre even a part of team plasma at all if theyre gonna treat pokemon like this. she tells them to go join team rocket if theyre looking for business like that. N is outside listening to all of this

they say something like “You think this about money?” and she asks what else and they answer “This is about power. We don’t give a damn about freeing pokemon for justice! When all the pokemon are gone plasma will reign supreme!!”

she clutches her pokeball. shes pissed. not just because, these fuckers got issues, but because they are deliberatly. disobeying N, and everything he stands for. so she tells them to get out of there before they end up regretting it. they laugh and tell her they dont even listen to their own King, why would they listen to her.

(white is a huge badass by the way. shes the more hardcore and probably coolest protag)

then N steps in and they. fall silent. and they are terrified. the stutter and stammer about how it was all a misunderstanding, and it wasnt their fault, and they didnt mean it, and every excuse they could come up with but N. is kind of like leaf in this sense because he is. angry. but his anger comes off cold and heartless and man he is cool.

so they, because they know theyre screwed already, decide that they wont take this shit anymore and challenge them to a fight. figure if they manage to beat N, maybe they could rule plasma instead. (this is my excuse to get N and White to double battle) and they rock. theyre the perfect tag team. truely the two sides of the same coin

when theyre defeated. N forces them to release their pokemon and they run away, never to show their faces to plasma again. They stand there in silence for a while, and N asks “Why did you tell me not to stay there?”

shes quiet for a while before answering “Because…you believe in what you do” and “I didn’t want you to see the worst of what was going on.”

he thanks her for her concern, and tells her not to think like that, because now he finally sees what shes been trying to tell him about plasma, and maybe he can do something about it now that he knows. ignorance is never bliss, he adds, and she knows hes right. she just didnt want him to be hurt, she thinks

she asks what hes going to do, and he answers he’d try to weed out whatever corruption was in plasma. he hopes what the grunts say wasnt true, and that this was just a small mutiny, not rooting from the very top.

FYI SHES NOT SUPPORTING PLASMA at this point she still hates plasmas ass for doing what they do, but shes seen now the way some trainers treat their pokemon (in and out of plasma) and she thinks that if this cause was done right, it would help the world a lot

unfortunaly N is a fool lol and wants to liberate ALLLL THE DAMN POKEMON.

ofc after this. ghetsis goes and. poisons his mind again with how shes a fool and shes trying to manipulate you and why would you doubt your own father. and right after this N. becomes the hero of ideals and they become worse enemies than theyve ever been. she becomes the hero of truth and he smiles because suddenly. everything makes sense. why hes always so happy to be around her. why it feels like she completes him despite all their differences and he. loves her he just doesnt know it

and she knows for a fact that ghetsis is behind all of this but because N is the king, she has to go through him first.

and she really cares for N. she actually ends up realising after he leaves that yeah, she pretty much loved him. and she hates his ass for leaving. so she goes to chase him down because cheesy as it is, these two are literally soulmates. they both acknowledge that meeting and growing with the other has made them better and stronger people and white refuses to let that go.

(i love their story and dynamic)

i dont have a set reuniting scene for them yet, the only one i have is.,.,. a part of that other story im lowkey working on..,.,. but she slaps him thats for sure LOL. hes like a puppy hes so happy to see her again hes like “White!!” and shes. PISSED. she has tears in her eyes and CATCH THESE HANDS. leaf and green are probably there and theyre like WHOA WHAT

green actually relates to white bc of this bc yeah, i waited for like 3 years for the love of my life too

#long post #REALLY LONG POST #im sorry mobile users #anon #ask #headcanons #ferriswheelshipping

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riskylizzy · 6 years

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Love?

What is love? No not some catchy 80's pop rock ballad.... Actual love. How does one know you feel it? Like honestly I'm not sure i have ever felt romantic love. Some days i question if i have truely felt any love for a human. I mean the answer is yes, right? Well most days I think i find myself saying no more than yes.

Im lost in a world some 7 trillion people full. A planet where over 75% has yet to be explored and touched by human hands. But am I really lost? Am I really human? What makes us human? Our love? Brains? Bodies? Creations? Destruction? what truely makes us human?

Being gay? Is that being happy or does that mean I am an alien to most the world?

I'm open about who I am. You can read my pages like a well crafted novel. Provided you can find it.

If you find the opening the first pages that's okay. The first few chapters is impressive. But not a single person has yet to find the rest of the book. At least not with out forcing the map keeper to reveal the location. And those who did force the hands of the heart that locked away the secrets burned most of them. Leaving the heart and soul as mearly a frame of hollowed out car, waiting to be driven again, only it has no functioning engine.

I am a broken soul in a broken mind, yet my body stands tall. There are cracks but they are only on the surface. My book, my secrets, the pages that hold them scattered far and wide like, "Skin." Plenty of people have a page. That is there page and part in my story. To me it is only when someone collects all of the written pages that i shall feel love. It is also only when they begin to write there own chapter in my book. And maybe I am wrong so I ask again what is love, really?

~ 1-Delta25

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wide-eyes-large-fries · 4 years

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its something author understands. TWselfharm and suicide

here i am but im nto sure if i a maon the right channel

im here thought i think if only for a mintue

but i guess thats just all i need is a minuet

im feeling over whleming thoughts of sucide every time she cuts my hair

but thats just something isay so i dont trigger anyone larger in the group

because if that happenes then what isay will go out theindow into someone elese head

and you know i dont like looking at the screen to fix mistakes becasue things change so quickly it is better to jsut focus on getting it all out atonce before someone else comes to save the day and ruin everyhintg ij ust talked about

but thats okay becsaue ill stay the same and be ther girl i used to be becasue atleast people played with me and talked about me but it was never who i truely was but atleast that was how people nejoed to see me me. something social and somethign sweet something just for a momemtn to be someone i wasnt or used to be so they could see the real me again

but thats soemthing i didnt mean either i didnt mean to talk about that and my fingers ar jumping over the keys like hot bandages over a saassge pattie siunday.

and things just have this habiit of sounding nice or funny so i go ahead and say them without really thinking about what that means but that isnt always something i do just something i dont like to think about often out lous around them, thinking about things i could or couldnt say never really sat well with me and poelple say hould your tounge but im more like lmoeonade sour and sweet with that bitter taste of lonleiness knocking at the door again beging me to let her out to have a good twisted fun.

but you owuld never know about it with the way i talk with tha way i thalk its all just letters and numbers and messgaes to get across to other people but it was never relaly someothing i was good with doing so i would sing a song in the closet just to make sure we would all get along and singing has always been something i was good at you know maybe not in the way of going to an opera but i do like to think of myself as asomeone who will sing like and open book.

you make me want to take myself more seriously in this life becsaused the life i had before was always empty handed gestures from people i barely even knew and things would always esculate to something more thant i would be willing to say but the thing is as my fingers slap scross these keys like the socres of a board game theres nothing more that i am willing to sell my soul for than a chance of freedom to chose to talk to you but instead ill run ustairsa nad find some place to hid in because in these clothes i am just the girl fron yesterday and in those close im just the girl im trying to be and i will never find myself in a n outfit that i will be wearing until im comfortbale in in but every time i get a chance to see myself in the mirror your right next to me calling me names and telling me that im not the way i should be

but thats not right becasue i want to be here where i want to be safe in my oen skin and not judging me for the clothes that i am in.

here i am getting in the way here i ma being the one to blame here i am goiing back to the living room because its better than my closet and the end of the night ill be all cracked up again about what to owatch and what to wear but then it will be another day again where i dont feel like fitting in

becuae fittign in is a chice right its the things that we do to get approvedable from those watching us and around us but its never something you do toj ust get away from the bullshit or empty spcace instead this is used to give you an excuse why you cantinclude me in anything butyour own space.

you think i gave all this up just to show you something differnt about life no i gave all this up just so i could see something differnet in life these was a chance fory ou to experience me in a way that i have never gaven anyone an opputunity to do and thing is something im willing to keep trying at but that doesnt mean it comes easy and that doesnt meani i dont think abouti t that it doesnt haunt me but in my eyes googles eyes the eyes that watch us when we sleep. thoses are the rreasons i count my blessings evey night they are why i am still here writing your name in the sand like your going to come and find me. you are not waht i used to me and you will not be what i will become but you will always be apart of me and who i am as i stand in the mirror and beg mysel not to judge others like you judged me. but thats a safe conversation one that you can take for the money and run away with all the lies you ever shed on others all the dismain and belitting you put out into this world to teach me how to be better,litter did you fail,little did you take the time to yeld me with praiess of how good i was doing or how speical my achivements were to you. but not your here,just a ghost without a body to sell. you are nothing more thant the thoughtd of yestersay fading in the wind of what will dift here tomorow. in the storm of the hurrican voices that shatter when they hit the back of my skull, i will paint a picture for you of a siomple good bye, here is my arm and here is my sorrow you have nothing left to ask to borrow.

#sorrow #saddness #relfections #whatithink #what i feel #whatisreal #imissheard #sorryfortakingyourtime #youhadmeatwine #thishappensallthetime #personal #selfthought #this is real #ihavebpd #i have did #twcut #twselfharm #twsuicide

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the-countessa · 8 years

Text

Embrace the suck...it's gonna be a long ass night

It is not that I no longer care, because I do, and always will; not matter how angry, how hurt, how used up I feel, and without rhyme or reason, I always shall care. I'm always going to keep an eye on his facebook to make sure he is still alive and ok. I'm never going to stop wishing things were different or hoping like hell they're gonna change, or get something back from before. And I mean wish, and hope and hell, even prey (my version anyway) But I simply cannot have the person that he has become in my life. Too much hurt; too many times times over the last four and a half years of being treated (as he is fond of saying) like a cunt. Cheated on when we were dating, lied to repeatedly, and my feelings being railroaded. Then when I sat there, angry and upset, demanding to be treated with respect and consideration; well, with each time, it's become harder and harder for him to see. And treating my pain as insignificate and only from some shallow places of jealousy. And yes, even I can see the obserdity of it, to end it all over, as he sees it, pizza. But after so long of looking after him, since the very beginning back in Gravesend when we first hung out and he was unemployed, buying him food, trying to keep him going as best as I could. All I have ever done really. After doing that and being treated so badly and used up, when I needed him to simply return the damn favour when I had no food and no money, I get thrown out on my arse, for a date? And the ironic thing is, the bit he doesn't know, I actually like the idea of this one... But after so long giving and giving and giving; after him banging on about gratitue and friendship and giving back, he simply failed. Failed again. Failed me. And then to have the line "You're not my enemy, you'll just be another 'friend' that's decided to not talk to me anymore." as though I haven't tried time and time again, as though nothing I have ever done made any sort of matter; not Christmas (not good enough), not his birthday (too depressed), not paying for food, gym clothes, warhammer boards, taxis to and from a&e, not all the time I cooked dinner, did the laundry, made the bed, bought the linin and kitchen crap, not the running to the chemist when he was sick...not the sex, dating, friendship. None of it. And no, that doesn't mean I've forgotten what he did for me...but it doesn't balance the books. He let me move in with him, rent free, to get me away from my dad who was close to driving me to suicide; but that he had someone to pay for food whilst he wasn't working, pay the rent when he couldn't manage it (once? twice?). And arrangment of mutual conveniance that saved him just as much as it did me. Yeah, he paid out for some great nights out, but so did I...but it hurt more to pay for tickets to go up to London and watch him butterfly his arse around his friends, only to return for a drink. Hell, I paid for his birthday and for him to be at my own. The books just no longer balance, and there is only so much one can put up with until you wonder "why am I here? How can this be friendship when I feel like I am trying to constantly please you, only to have it go unnoticed, unmentioned?' I was always the first to fight his corner and the last out the ring, no matter what. But more and more he says and does things that leave me speechless and sick. A mutual friend lost the love of her life a couple of weeks before christmas; he'd have rather spent his money on a bottle of booze than support her. Even heard tell that she offered to pay for him to go to the memorial, just because she wanted him there...he couldn't muster up enough friendship to support someone who has truely lost something vital. December again, I spent a small fortune on a long month doing everything I could to make it good for him, almost the way you would for a child. And after forking out over £60 for his birthday, paying for him to come out for mine...couldn't even manage a 99p birthday card. What did he say to me the day before Christmad Eve, something about him rather spending his money making him happy. Not a thought to giving back. Halloween; I get sexually assulted, and what frightened me most was him pining me to the bed with his hands around my throat screaming at me. And promptly throwing me out. Ignored me for three days. Told me how his hands around my throat was my fault. The wife beater excuse, the line of domestic abusers, that it was asked for. And that's now ironically been capped off with him telling me to report the abusive bastard who lives next door. And that is who he is. A lying, cheating, violent, angry, bitter man, so self obsessed that if he were to read this, would be more concerned about him image than that he has hurt and terrified the person who has done more good things for him than most. So self-serving, he's rather date than help a friend who sucked up their pride and fear and asked for just a little help. So hypocritial, he bangs on about how pro-feminist he is, how much he understands mental health because he has problems too, that he oh so easily paints me as the Crazy ex-GIRLfriend, throws my depression in my face, hell, even the other day he was pulling at the thread of someones BPD. So obssesed with this idea he has of happiness, that he doesn't spair a thought for those he climbs over to get to it. So weighed down with his past, so stuck there, that any female worth a damn couldn't get through; more in love with what has gone that he barely appreciates what he has. Ok, so exactly true; he has been more than happy to praise everyone else who has helped him (joint incommers or people who have had a sudden windfall) just not me. The one who the second she can't afford to keep him is told "If someone offers to pick me up n feed me for free then sorry but I'm gonna take it." turning his date into little more than a meal ticket and showing me that I am no longer of any use. What was the point of me? That isn't even a drop in the ocean of it all; so much over the last four and a half years. And memories that should be good are now completely tainted. I managed 28 years on this earth without one real regret, until now. And that is I regret having ever met him. And that is heart crushing. That is what drives me into a bottle and into a packet of little blue pills. For my shame. So, how can I still care for someone, after all that? Maybe everyone, his people and mine, are right, Im just abused and frightened and simply stockholm Syndrome. Or maybe I am right, maybe underneath it all, the fear and anger and confusion, there is a good soul. Or maybe my mother is right and he is suffering from some serious mental health issue. I just don't know anymore. But still, how in the hell can I still find it in me to give a damn and wish we could go back? It's fucked up. I don't know if he'll read this. I hope he does. I really hope he does. I know he'll be fuming, see it as an attack or bitchfest. But honestly, I just want, and he needs to see that he cannot go on this way. That this, who he has become and what he is doing is not good or right, for the best, or anyone elses fault but his own. And fix it! No one else can. I am not just some 'friend', I was your best friend who would have done anything to keep you from drowning. I did not decide to not talk to you, I am just simply unable to talk without wanting to scream and shout and cry and hope like hell something finally gets through that thick skull of yours! And no, I am not the only one. Hell, my family hates him now; even my own mother, who opened her home to him after he cheated on me with Jasz because I asked her to, who stood by me during so many arguments and rows before Christmas to ensure that he wasn't alone wants to clobber him (though, as I keep telling her, she is disabled and probably would not get very far). And as for his friends? How many of them told me to run, call him a snake, have told me how they are done with his melodrama and bullshit...and not just the ones who show two faces, but the genuine good ones have basically decided that they are done. I'm sure that will send him into a rage, but I should be clear that no, I haven't been slagging him off to everyone and their mother just to get that response because I have been begging everyone to tell me I am wrong. And trying like hell to make sure these people stay close enough in his life to keep an eye on him. I do not want him to loose his people because (so long as he doesn't continue to alienate them) he will need them. It hurt to see him advertise a gig for a band that he knows I love, that he promised to take me to, because he cut me out. It hurts to read him alter history just enough that I loose my place it in. It all hurts and I get angry and yes I lash out. Because it is unfair and crule. But I'll get over that all in time...a very, very, very long ass time. What I shall not get over is his self-distruction. Ok, maybe we no longer fit in one anothers life; but to watch hin waste his life, ignore his health, and basically act more like a child than the almost 40 year old adult is driving me nuts. I want to shake him. No, I want to tie him to a chair whilst I beat him with a basebalk bat yelling "I love you but sort you fucking shit!" Own your mistakes. Admit to them. See yourself for what you really are, and fucking well fix them! Take a long hard look at your life, stop blaming others and walking around with a chip on your shoulder like the Universe owes you something and get the hell over it. And take a long hard look at everything you have done to me over the last four and a half years, be honest with yourself about your actions, your behaviour; from the editing of a truth to "save" my feelings, to the outright lies, cheating, using my body like I was a whore (a post for another time, but fucking someone without eye contact, without a simple sodding kiss, and with what we did, without basic aftercare, I have come away with some serious issues in regards to sex...on top of a sexual assult) and see through my eyes. See how it looks and feels to always be dropped by you best friend for the same reason time and time again, sex. No other reason, not for family or friends or emergancies or work or anything, just sex. Just open your eyes. All this writing, all these words are for me, and though I know he will be angry for it, I hope that there is an understanding (finally) that this silly little account is the one corner of the internet is mine. And surely a hell of a lot better than posting it to facebook. And Id never be able to say these things to him, because his anger would stop him from actually listening and just start shouting me down. I don't honestly know if he'll read this, but I hope he gets to the end. I hope he reads and dwells and thinks and learns and changes. I do not know how to get out of this blackhole, I only know that he is the only one with the power to do so. All I can do is make an attempt to follow a little of my own advice. I am lacking for a life, but I am working on it. Not to spite him, but regardless of him, I need it. And I need to follow my passion too. Something that makes me happy, that I hope may bring joy to others. You broke my heart, and my spirit, but I shall rebuild me. A better me. Me who will be just as giving and as loving as I always have. And I sincerly hope he can do the same because he is on a path to his own personal hell, and to stay in his sphere right now will only drag me down with him. I cannot allow that. And once he has fixed him, maybe he'll come find me, and maybe he can lay some groundwork to fix us, better than before. But no one can live on just hope forever. Anyway, if you stuck with this long ass post, thanks. And ten points to you. I realise it's filled with melodrama and meloncolly...and god awful spelling errors, but I dont have a spell check and it is below freezing and I am smoking up a storm as I type. And it's dark too since we've blown a fuse at the homestead. But I am an emotive person, a quite a talking, and a classic over thinker whose mind has literally been stuck on this issue for the last 2 weeks and 6 days. And people have told me to talk to him, but I know he will not listen to me, so I figured, try here? Maybe something might get through? And maybe, I can expell some of this negativity and pain so I can move on, in that healthy mature sort of way. Anyway, I guess that's it. XOXOX

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captainbaz · 7 years

Note

Ahhh! You're the best:3 I need all of the answers please!

1. Are looks important in a relationship? To me personally, No, but if they are there then i just see it as a bonus2. Are relationships ever worth it? Yes, whether it be a friendship or more no one person can truely do anything on there own.3. Are you a virgin? Nope.4. Are you in a relationship? Also nope.5. Are you in love? Again nope.6. Are you single this year? I am.7. Can you commit to one person? I can, if i get over my own issues.8. Describe your crush "Shes basically a female me."9. Describe your perfect mate Theyve got Grace, Loyalty, Humor, and a cute smile.10. Do you believe in love at first sight? Not so much, but i do believe it could happen.11. Do you ever want to get married? Yes, maybe one day.12. Do you forgive betrayal? Depends, anything can be forgiven over time, just dont forget about it, people may change but you never know what truely lies in there hearts.13. Do you get jealous easily? Yes actually, but im pretty good at hiding it.14. Do you have a crush on anyone? Yes.15. Do you have any piercings? Nope.16. Do you have any tattoos? Not yet.17. Do you like kissing in public? I mean if im gonna kiss my partner ill proudly do it in public too so yes.20. Do you shower every day? Absolutely, i feel gross if i dont.21. Do you think someone has feelings for you? I mean im sure theres a few people who do.22. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? Yup, im sure someone out there is worried, or just hopes im doing well currently.23. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat? I could.24. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years? Most likely not but hey if it does happen then go future me.25. Do you want to be in a relationship this year? If im ready for one personally then yes.26. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you? Yup.27. Has someone ever written a song or poem for you? Yes. It was on a handmade card for me.28. Have you ever been cheated on? Sure, have.29. Have you ever cheated on someone? Yup, looking back on it now i was a pretty fucking dumb teenager. 30. Have you ever considered plastic surgery? If so, what would you change about your body? Nope, no need to change who i am, imhappy with how i look even if i dont think its good.31. Have you ever cried over a guy/girl? Sure did.32. Have you ever experienced unrequited love? I have.33. Have you ever had sex with a man? Yup.34. Have you ever had sex with a woman? Yup.35. Have you ever kissed someone older than you? Yes.36. Have you ever liked one of your best friends? At one point yeah, i really did.37. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated? Im sure there was a point in which i had friends who didnt like who i was with or hanging out with.38. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to? Not yet actually.39. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have? Absolutely.40. Have you ever written a song or poem for someone? Nope.41. Have you had sex so far this year? Nope.42. How long can you just kiss until your hands start to wander? Few minutes. Also depends on the situation, sometimes its just nice to embrace.43. How long was your longest relationship? 6 years.44. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had? Im not super sure, maybe 5-6?45. How many people did you kiss in 2011? None.46. How many times did you have sex last year? Not a once.47. How old are you? 2248. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say? Id say i support them, and they should follow there heart. Cliche yeah, but if i truely like them that just means i want to see them happy.49. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, what is your favorite thing about him/her? Everything, positives and negatives.50. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept? Nope.51. Is there a boy/girl who you would do absolutely everything for? Yes absolutely, on both boy and girl.52. Is there anyone you’ve given up on? Why? Yes, and why, because of myself.53. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are? I mean probably, i dont know if they dont share it i wont know.54. Is there someone you will never forget? Yup, plenty of people.55. Share a relationship story. Sorry, but no.56. State 8 facts about your body. I dont even have 8 facts of my own body i think are worth sharing....57. Things you want to say to an ex. Alot of sorrys among other things we wont talk about.58. What are five ways to win your heart? Food, bad movies, bad jokes, being cute, just wanting to chill.59. What do you look like? (Post a picture!)60. What is the biggest age difference between you and any of your partners? Dating wise it was like 2 years apart.61. What is the first thing you notice in someone? The eyes. 62. What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do for/to you? Theres alot, just bite me and im ready.63. What is your definition of “having sex”? Getting physical.64. What is your definition of cheating? Theres alot of answers to this, mostly involving having another partner, unless youre poly.65. What is your favourite foreplay routine? the ones that involve alot of biting and teasing.66. What is your favourite roleplay? Honestly no clue there, havent really found one id call a "favorite".67. What is your idea of the perfect date? Rainy night, bad movies, talk shit about them over take out, and cuddles.68. What is your sexual orientation? Yes.69. What turns you off? No clue but im sure its out there some where.70. What turns you on? Im pretty plain on this one but "just bite me".71. What was your kinkiest wet dream? Havent had one Sorry.72. What words do you like to hear during sex? The moans are enough for me.73. What’s something sweet you’d like someone to do for you? Anything is appreciated, if it comes from the heart then thats the sweetest it can get.74. What’s the most superficial characteristic you look for? Good heart, Good soul.75. What’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for you? Literally made me something of there own free will. 76. What’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever done for someone? No clue about the sweetest, but if someone knows im sure they will speak up eventually.77. What’s your opinion on age differences in relationships? Ok this one is iffy. some cases its really weird, or just generally illegal. Within a legal age group or above it though, let them be if they want to think its love.78. What’s your dirtiest secret? Nope.79. When was the last time you felt jealous? Why? Last time i felt legit jealousy was over someone saying they had a signed poster from a favorite artist, and i was super jealous cause thats fucking awesome to see that signature.80. When was the last time you told someone you loved them? Today, to my bestfriend.81. Who are five people you find attractive? I dont even have a legit answer to this one.82. Who is the last person you hugged? My nephew.83. Who was your first kiss with? I dont even remember honestly.84. Why did your last relationship fail? Alot of reasons that wont be said here. (the post will go beyond the "Read more" limit")85. Would you ever date someone off of the Internet? I have before, i could do it again.

0 notes

the-invisible-overlooked-one · 7 years

Photo

My (seemingly) "UNbeliveable" Life-Story:

(a "SOLO-carreer" )

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My life had been totally DEVOID of "female youth" from the very beginning: I have had NO sister, NO girl-friend, NO fiancée, NO wife, NO daughter EVER ! :((( All my Life up to now I had been trying IN VAIN to get to know & to get in close proximity & finally into a relationship with a YOUNG Lady or Girl. :´-(

I was NOT allowed to be the Brother of a Sister, the Boy-Friend of a Girl-Friend, the Fiance of a Fiancee, the Husband of a Wife, nor the Father of an own Daughter.

Thanks to the fear, mistrust and shyness of you Ladies I have nothing but been alone all my life. :-(

And instead of explaining to me, what disturbes you talking to me & looking at me (and what I could possibly change), you just say: “I don´t believe, you never had a girl-friend. I think you´re joking!” :-O Or you just ask ME: "What has been the reason for the failure ?", allthough I hoped to learn THAT from YOU. :-(

I have several UNmet needs & lacks of needs concerning the YOUNG Femininity to yet satisfy:

For brotherly/sisterly Love, for Love in Life-Partnership & Relationship & for fatherly/daughterly Love.

In meinem einsamen Leben hat das "Junge, Weibliche" immerzu nur gefehlt, schon von Anfang an: Ich hatte keine Schwester, keine Freundin, keine Frau, keine Tochter !!! :(((

Ich durfte kein Bruder einer Schwester sein, kein Freund einer Freundin, kein Verlobter einer Verlobten & kein Vater einer Tochter.

Dank dem Mißtrauen & der Scheu und Angst von Euch Damen war ich mein ganzes Leben lang nur allein. :-(

Und statt mir zu erklären, was Euch so sehr an mir stört (und ich ggf. daran ändern könnte), sagt Ihr mir nur: “Das glaube ich Dir nicht, daß Du noch NIE ne Freundin hattest. Ich vermute, Du veralberst mich!” :-O

Oder ihr fragt mich: "WORAN scheiterte es denn immer ?", obwohl ICH doch diese Frage endlich von EUCH geklärt zu bekommen hoffte. :-(

Daher habe ich MEHRERE UNerfüllte Bedürfnisse & Bedürfnis-Mängel gegenüber JUNGER Weiblichkeit auszugleichen:

Nach geschwisterlich-schwesterlicher Liebe, nach lebenspartnerschaftlicher Liebe & Beziehungserfahrung & nach väterlich-töchterlicher Liebe.

Dans ma vie solitaire, il n´y a eu de la Jeunesse féminine ou de la jeune Fémininité jamais ! Je n´ai eu une sœur, une amie, une coupine, une fiancée, une femme, une épouse ou une propre fille de moi-même jamais !!! :(((

Grâce à la peur et défiance de vous femmes je n´ai été que seul toute ma vie. :-(

Et au lieu de m´expliquer ce que vous gênes de parler avec moi et regarder moi (, et me dire ce que je peux changer peut-être), vous me disez: >>Je ne croix pas, que tu n´ais eu d´amie jamais ! Je pense, que tu raconte des bobards !<<

Ou vous demandez moi: >>C´était à cause de QUOI ?<< , bien que MOI, je veux apprendre ca de VOUS ! :O

Je n'ai pas été autorisé à être le frère d'une soeur, le garçon-ami d'une amie-fille, le fiancé d'une fiancée, le mari d'une femme, ni le père d'une propre fille.

What can I do ????? …. :-S

Que puis-je faire ????? ..... :-s

WAS kann ich tun ????? .... :-s

Ich hatte leider noch NIEMALS eine Freundin oder Frau. :-( Wer mag mir helfen, das zu ändern ? :-)

I never ever had a girl-friend or wife in my whole life. :-( Who wants to help me to change that ? :-)

Je n´ai eu d´amie ou femme jamais ! :-( Qui veut m´aider à changer ça ? :-)

Please send Post to the following adress (I am NOT here in the Internet truely ;-) !):

GERHARD MARTIN , the lonliest Man in the Universe

D-7900 Freiburg

Germany

(Elternanschrift / Adress at Parents / Adresse chez les Parents: D-87527 Sonthofen, Germany)

PLEASE WRITE ME LETTER-POST INSTEAD OF E-MAILS. I AM NOT really HERE in the internet ; I AM OUTSIDE IN THE REAL WORLD: :-D

Bitte schreibt mir Brief-Post, Leute ! Ich bin schließlich nicht "hier" im Indernetz, sondern DRAUSSEN in der Wirklichkeit. :-D

Écrivez-moi des lettres, pas d´e-mail, s´il vous plaît ! Je ne suis pas "ici" à l` internet; je suis dedans la réalitée. :-D

Raitim Leta long mi , plis. Mi no stap long "hia", long internet. Mi stap arasait, long laip tru . :-D

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(1.): CLAIM OF RESPONSIBILITY:

INexperiencedness, aloofness, shyness and "(in)voluntary" Celibacy

I am thoroughly fed up & through with ….

I am a lonely “Upper-Allgäuer”-Ian in exile” trying to escape from winter and loneliness. At the risk that no one believes me, but I am now already 37 years young and had unfortunately still NOT A SINGLE girl-friend or wife ever before. (That it is because of my physical appearance, I do not really believe, but for some unknown reason, pretty young women are always just passing by, just like I’m not there. Or are they just as UNcertain as I am ? :-S ). For 21 years I had imagined a completely one-sided relationship with a (former) classmate as being “my girl-fried”, and now I’m glad I finally woke up and finally would like so much to catch up. I want to learn & experience what it means to give true emotional and physical love and finally get it in return. I would like to let YOU help me in this. 0:-) Important to me is particularly unsparing honesty and openness, so addiction to romance, to relationship and to misunderstood physical love (Sex-rubbish) may get NO breeding ground, as well as “abstinence-from-love”-addictions.

https://www.publishersweekly.com/978-0-06-254860-3

https://www.harpercollins.com/9780062276032/escape-from-intimacy

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=otynMEeMStg

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VOYAPOk5rpY

To me it is all about the showing of vulnerability (need-based awareness, understanding & communication). I am afraid when I think back to the experienced lonely years. :O Many problems I’ve caused just myself (especially my own aloofness), but unfortunately, I am anything but an “expert on women” (although I would like to be, and always wanted to be); maybe that´s because I only grew up with two brothers. (I now also accept more and more the question of how much the women are “experts on women” THEMSELVES or not, or to what extent they may be “experts on men” …and how much I am an “expert on men” myself ???)

What I openly want to admit with this, is:

The behavior of women is simply a book of 7,777,777 seals for me, but I’ve learned that one usually THEN is sending out unintelligible signals or double-messages when he / she is NOT really aware of what he / she even wants to express and to achieve. I myself will therefore say more consciously: I have great fear of rejection and discouragement by women, which I like, because I’ve NEVER experienced anything different before. :O I feel loneliness, sadness and helplessness for 37 years now, because if I get no response(s) of YOUNG women & Girls (except contempt and withdrawal) at all, then I do not know how I can fulfill my need for female solidarity and closeness. I am intimidated by discouragement and allegations very quickly, because I have truely a lot of respect for women, but maybe I do not dare to express that enough ? :-S What hurts me most of all, is when I read, that even veritable dream-girls write to me, that they do not really believe me that I’d never had a girl-friend or wife by my side, ever. :O :( But the tragic irony is that NONE of them really offers any interest towards me or even WANTS to have me around. At least I conclude this from their more than restrained reactions. Perhaps it´s because they assume & imply that I would be a Macho-man, who had LOTS & LOADS of girl-friends yet. That makes me infinitely sad. :( Women say about themselves, they want to be “CONQUERED” ; … I´m afraid I am a pacifist, not a conqueror. :O)

If this text touches your soul, then you’ve already helped me to some extent, as far as you tell me SO, too. :) Please dare to break the silence that is almost audible in the room. Since August 2011 I have now even embraced the first pretty young women (… which of course have all had someone as a boy-friend, as they revealed to me ).

But there´s a LOT more possible I´m sure ! :) And I want to have one or two own children! =D (Especially a daughter, something young & female for once in my life)

I wait, (-but not for the sake of waiting-) on your request or offer ! :D

Hopefully see you soon ! Dare, please !!! :) (I still did not get TOO close to any woman yet ! ;-)

I have the love-experience of a 12 - or 13-year old Teenager. :O I know of no kiss, no fondling, no long-term cuddling, caressing …not even an amorous look in each other´s eye. :(

I sure cannot do EVERYTHING ALL ALONE, right ??! ;-)

GERHARD

https://www.studiblog.net/2014/06/04/why-women-dont-like-nice-guys/

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(2.): REMNANTS FROM THE PAST & SELF-FULFILLED DIAGNOSISES:

Thanks to the fear, anxiety and mistrust of you ladies I had been alone all my life. :-(

And instead you´d tell me what bothers you so much about me (and what I could possibly change) you only tell me: “I do not believe, that you have NEVER had a girl-friend ! I guess you´re joking ! ” :-O Or, YOU ask ME: “WHAT was the CAUSE for the constant failure ?” even though I hoped to get this issue finally resolved by YOU. :-(

And everything began THIS way:

CHILDREN’S HOSPITAL of KEMPTEN (Upper-Allgäu, Bavaria) 1975:

Parents just used to hand over their children to Strangers & leave them to the hospital, and doctors just used to send parents back home. It was common practice in "children´s hospitals" at that time. Beds for the relatives of the children weren´t even THERE.

Twice (at age 8 months & age 1 year and 1 month) I had emotional experiences of complete neglection of my needs for DAYS, accompanied by most careful “medi-cynical” care:

- “Lumbar puncture” ( removal/extraction of "liquor" from the interior of the spinal cord )

- “when bumping it, Child shows no compensatory movements, child simply drops to”

- “Tendons-Reflexes can not be assessed, because of intense crying”

- "Arms always held far to the side, when sitting and lying"

"permanent holding the arms spread aside NOT noticed (by the Parents)"

- X-rays, blood serum levels, EEG, ECG, antibiotics, …

- Etc. …

+ BUT: no love, no peaceful proximity, closeness, nest-warmth, basic-trust or being accepted :-(

Moreover, my “other-directed” mother stopped to breastfeed me after 4 weeks , on the advice of the violent “child experts”. This would be indeed "obsolete" & “from the Past”, they said …. “empirically superior”. : O

She has expressed the suggestion towards me that I was probably strapped or "fixed" for the sake of extracting liquid from my spinal cord. :-S :-O :-(

My mother said that she had noticed I had changed a lot after she had brought me back home from the Children’s Hospital. I had become a cry-baby, if only she wanted to touch me or just turn on the back.

I have an image in mind:

Could some hopelessly overworked nurse no longer bear my screaming for my parents , and started to choke, shake and jolt me out of helplessness and UNawareness for needs ? :O

UNTILL TODAY I feel strange sensations of narrowness, tightness and crampedness in my throat, and a racing pulse in my throat. Sometimes even spinning-sensations and dizziness !

I can only imagine that I have experienced my life depending completely to the weal and woe of a young woman, which had not responded empathically to my desperate cries, but with almost lethal VIOLENCE instead. That would explain WHY I confronted pretty young women all my life, as though I would beg them to let me live. Women write to me, I seem to be “cramped” to them, so they feel overwhelmed, overburdened & overtaxed.

For the following empathic words of a nice lady (after a “seemingly fruitless” Rendez-vous) I am really very grateful:

“You know, maybe you’re searching too desperate. I believe you, that you want to know love for once. But the more you try something desperately, the less it works.

It can also scare off , if a woman reads that you haven´t had any experience, that you have never had a girl-friend, but you really want it desperately. Thus, the woman is under pressure.

You are very open and honest, but maybe you should not divulge & reveal so much from you IN THE FIRST PLACE ?!

For a proper acquaintance one needs time, patience; and perhaps you expect too much at once? You are certainly very desperate when it comes to love. But you also really leave that impression, one can notice so. “

YES ! This creates mutual fears of expectations, I’m sure. And love sure cannot be “forced”.

I am now trying to learn to trust and use the trust into the knowledge, that GENERALLY any woman can love ME at any time !

Then I am hopeful that I send out less signals of aloofness…and can get back more signals of proximity. It ALL depends on reciprocity. 0:-)

March, 4. / 5. of 2012: NEVER AGAIN “UNtouched”:

My first night of love:

I have now, after 37 1/2 years of complete loneliness, made love with a young woman for the very first time. How joyful & loving ! ^_^ ...but also exhausting, overwhelming & overtaxing !!! :-o -_- PHEW !!!

Previously, before THIS date, NOT even ONE GIRL had shown “mercy” to me.

A stigma was taken away from me. :-) … But a real relationship is, unfortunately, still written in the stars … (sigh).

SHE had said, that SHE had made HER "first experiences" with the other Gender at age 12 or 13 ! :-o ...and I did now at the age of 37 1/2 years. Two completely different worlds seem to have "collided" there... but honestly: Maybe it had been a FIRST REAL experience of true closeness & making love for the BOTH of us ?! ;-) 0:-D

And … to react to a hasty, tacit assumption :

No, I’m definitely NOT interested in other MEN ! :-(P I am disgusted by so called “gay” men, who (-I´m sure-) are just irritated about their real love-needs, and I have even once had a harmful, personally disappointing experience with a 50-year-old "gay" man, which I’m still embittered about today. :(( They can ignore me as much as they want, the ladies, but: NO woman had ever been acting SO disrespectingly towards ME, like THIS guy! I feel fear and disgust towards men who do not want to BE one. :O Please confirm to me credibly, that you REALIZE, RECOGNIZE & ACCEPT my needs as a MAN towards young, inviting, fertile, fresh FEMININITY ! O.K. ?

(Here in the Internet, I have, however, also occasionally received sex-addicted offers from women, too. BUT: Not a hundredth as many as YOU might think !!! :-P And Gerhard can already distinguish between real physical love and sex ! You don´t need to worry! To “get rid of women” NEVER had been a problem to me, by the way. :-) But to make contact with young, attractive women, on the other hand, really had been an aggravation, all the more. :-O :-( It scares me when I hear that women RATHER assume, that I was a gay “Homo-Lullu”, than that they would be willing to offer me a chance to get to know them. : (

YOUNG women make it as hard for me as probably possible, I’m afraid. :-(

Since 1995, young ladies DO NOT TALK TO ME ANYMORE out there in reality. :O (And they even were at a loss for words towards me, BEFORE this.) They behave & act digital-media-addicted and autistic. They talk only with their ears and hear the voices of people who are not there. :-O But I am no longer heard by them. :(

Also, I am aware of irritating evidence of contradictory, UNconscious ways of thinking & feeling, if I get messages here in the Internet:

JUDGEMENTS ONLY SAY SOMETHING ABOUT THESE PEOPLE, WHO ARE JUDGING:

For young women, I “am”:

-Too honest and too dishonest

-Too open & too sealed

-too directly & too restraint

-Too alternatively & too conservative

-Too homophobic & too gay-suspicious

-Too attractive & too unattractive

-Too eloquently & too quiet

-Too serious & too cheerful and silly

-Too shy & too briskly

-Too impetuous & too LITTLE Macho

-Too long & too short

-Too picky & too less picky

- Too JUDGED & too few judged

I’m afraid, I do not know, how I ever could even begin to correspond to this convoluted and contradictory claims . :-S

Women probably do NOT know at all what they really want. Can that be true ?:-S

AND …: Women always wish me “Good Luck & Much Success !” …and pass me over to the next, next on,… Lady :-(

I can not stand to hear this anymore ! I´m fed up ! :( Sigh

DARE to approach at least for ONCE !!! What’s wrong with you, Ladies ? :-O

And with the words “I like the way you write!” women make “unmistakably” clear that THIS was the last message from them that I´ll get to read.

And yet another inexplicable Phenomena:

Whenever I actually had a good start with talking to young ladies out in the real world (especially with serene, small, natural, blonde “bundles of joy” :-D), then these ladies soon …had departed to Cologne. :O

For whatever reason just always to THIS place. :-S I wonder now, what they would do, if I moved to Cologne myself. :-S Hmmm ???

I was often told, it wasn´t because of my physical appearance, if women turn away from me so much. But gradually I have SERIOUS doubts about this theory. My appearance seems to deter enormous. : O-BUH! I sure AM the safest “contraceptive” that exists.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wyct_8OL1Zg

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oSyOb8nKR20

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9N1i9NPGrVA

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cCkGwz-mrYc

https://www.studiblog.net/2014/06/04/why-women-dont-like-nice-guys/

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(3.): LOVE AT LAST LOOK ? & merely “FLEEING ACQUAINTANCES” :-S

A request:

I feel sad, lonely, desperate, helpless, frustrated, disappointed and totally confused, …even more I ‘m scared if I’m aware of the efforts with which I try, to get female attention of young ladies… but get NOTHING but rejections. :-O :-(

I need feedback, confirmation and encouragement when I turn to young women (who I would like possibly), that it’s O.K. for you when I try to meet you closer.

Otherwise, I do not know how I EVER can satisfy my need for female proximity and closeness … or even just once can meet nice girls for companionship. :-(

Please tell me just ONCE in my lonely life that you like to have my presence and offer to me the chance to make a closer “sniffing” possible …. and how you do feel when you’re reading THIS … O.K. ?

Instead of always assuming hastily, that I´d EVER HAD a girl-friend already. :-O

EUREKA ! I think I got it! :)

Maybe I have found the essential explanation NOW why my efforts towards women, which I liked, had NEVER been rewarded by the hoped-for success:

Ironically, I, who do NOT fulfill or meet one of the popular men’s clichés *, have had (-a lifetime long-) only trust to the “love at first sight”-recipe ??? tz-tz-tz-tz-tz !?

What did I expect to get (except skepticism, confusion, helplessness and uncertainty), if I offer to all young immature ladies, EVERYTHING but what they are USED to receive from men … what they know … and consequently expect ? :-S

Sure, that too fast, hasty & commentless retreat & withdrawal from me (-which I know just too well of young ladies-) , maybe had been a (misread) sign to me, to believe that only in the very first few seconds / minutes of a new meeting a success would be possible. :-S But if I encounter women with EXACTLY THAT attitude & belief , they will be able to feel my impatience, tenseness and anticipatory anxiety. And feelings always come in mirror image: The women then feel that way, too. The danger is unfortunately large that they do not understand to express those emotions … and rather flee instead. :-O

And they HAVE withdrawn from me, a lonely 37-year-old life long. : (

Therefore, I find it so enormously difficult to imagine that even AFTER getting a rejection of a lady who I like, maybe there´s still basically the possibility of a “reconciliation, understanding and forgiveness”. :-S I just had NEVER experienced something different than pretty young ladies turning away from me … without a single word …or even complaining at me. : ( And then LEAVING me, just to be NEVER seen again ! :-X

I’ ve consciously decided to learn patience, confidence and trust in long-term success (with sufficient lead time to “sniff” at each other). Expectations have influence on the result. In longer term, there are plenty of options to re-encounter, as long as one (1.) believes in this… and (2.) tries it in a relaxed manner. :-)

And THEN there will also be a chance of getting to know each other nearer ; at least it´s not completely excluded ;-) ? Right ? ^_^

… Perhaps even love at LATER view?

Then there still remain the KNOWN, other difficulties:

- My shyness and uncertainty caused by the enormous experiences of rejection & failure in young women

- My inexperience with everything "young feminine", because I grew up WITHOUT sister, no girl-friend or wife … and consequently had no daughter, either.

- The wordless fear of women, THAT I was a ruthless macho-man … AND their equally big fear that I was NOT a macho-man.

- The digital media-addicted autism of young ladies today. They do not even notice me when I speak DIRECTLY to them. : (

(I do not even hear: “Heeey, You’re disturbing my wireless reception/connection !” from them.)

- My most fervent desire for DIRECT communication (WITHOUT media-dependency)

- My honesty, openness and questioning mindful view of life

- The painful tragedy that most women (and men) confuse the physical love, the “making love” with sex … and sex with a natural need … and I have quit to do this ,ever since I awoke from my abstinence-addiction.

- OTHER very common misunderstandings about “what love is all about”…like addiction to romance ….or addiction to relationship (either to as MANY ones as possible….or to “the ONLY One” :-O )

- The “-Self-fulfilling-Prohecy”, if I write publicly, no woman would want me

- The lack of economic appreciation for my work.

- my humble life-claims in OTHER affairs, too

* (Macho-Man, womanizer, mama’s boy, swot, intellectual, full failure, “dynamic maker”, etc …)

And: EUREKA! No. 2:

I had another insight:

Since the moment of my procreation I miss a “life-affirming impulse”, a life-and-loving impulse, a “divine spark” …. All my past life, I never had felt “wanted” … just “tolerated” best. : (

But this deficit I can only fill up with the beloved, lacked Things myself. And exactly THIS also explains my error, and my deterrent effect on women:

I have encontered the women who interested me, always in a such a manner that they could perceive my begging. I tried to PERSUADE the ladies to love MYSELF INSTEAD of ME loving myself. : O But actually NO woman in the world is ABLE to do this, and because of this unspoken fear , to be overburdened & overtaxed with such a task, they always drew back from me intuitively. : (

I now can fully understand this. ONLY I myself can learn to accept MYSELF FOR MYSELF…. to be THEN capable of love for someone else. :)

So, I try to accept me now as the “wanted/willed-by-myself.” :) Only if I can cope alone with me -WITHOUT a woman-, then I am ready for a love-relationship WITH a woman. :)

Anyhow, 1 Question still remains absolutely UNanswered:

If the YOUNG women really claim so much, that being CASUAL, RELAXED, OPEN MINDED, OPEN-ENDED, UNselfconscious , UNbiased & NOT binding would be so essential for dating, then I ask myself, WHY the heck these young Ladies & Girls always treated me with such ARTIFICIAL (negative) IMPORTANCE all my Life long, as to EXclude & ignore me so extremely, that one almost could SMELL the Tension !?!? Why do you GIVE such a big , "women-created" Significance to me , by treating me so exceptional & by creating an absolutely artificial Weighting of my Person & my Actions, if you´re really supposedly so much into Easiness, Relaxation, Looseness, Indifference, Non-Commitment & Open-Endedness ???

That´s a fundamental CONTRADICTION for me !!! WHAT do you actually WANT ???

Please CHOOSE & DECIDE finally !!! OK ?

And secondly:

Why is it, that your cold Ignorance, your silent Arrogance, your scary Silence & your emotional Coldness towards Me is so darn EASY for you ?

HOW do you manage so effortlessly to create & hold all this Tension so EASILY , WITHOUT being exposed to any kind of Consequence as a "Mirror-Image", or without receiving any Form of Resonance at all ???

How is is even POSSIBLE, that all your Crampedness & Tenseness towards me stays so FREE of any DISadvantages for YOU ???

Honestly: You´re CREEPY to me ! :-O

https://www.studiblog.net/2014/06/04/why-women-dont-like-nice-guys/

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(4.): WASTED MANLY FRESHNESS:

I am afraid of withering, before I have flourished ever !

"O.K.", you young Ladies & Girls of Middle-Europe:

Now you have ALMOST managed to DO it: If you just let some MORE YEARS of my manly Youth & Freshness go by UNused ... let them slip through my Fingers in vain, ...waste them & ignore them to Death... then I will become finally THAT much withered, that from then on, you can claim a new & very useful Excuse for excluding me & ostracizing me further on: And that IS, that I finally... FINALLY will have become "TOO OLD" for You !!! :-( After apparently having been "TOO YOUNG" for you finicky & picky Ladies all my Life BEFORE !?!? :-/ SIGH :-(

CONGRATULATIONS !!! For such a senseless, nonsensical, UNsatisfactory & self-fulfilling Accomplishment !

Already NOW I have a presentiment of HOW enormously BIG the Sadness & the Fear will be, which I´ll feel, as soon as I in fact will have grown SO OLD, that young & still-fertile Femininity up to Age 40, will turn their back on me , for reasons of "faded, vanished manly Vitality & Freshness" ...after they have let my Attractiveness & Energy slip away in vain & UNused !

How shall I ever MOURN enough for this UNbelieveable, INcredible,...because so UNnecessary & so AVOIDABLE Misery of a completely "overlooked" & bypassed Life of a Man ?!?!

How shall I ever overcome that "Primary Shock" , which I was exposed to very early in Life ( in 1975 , by a young overworked Nurse, who almost STRANGLED me to Death) & ever overcome this (seemingly) INsurmountable deep Ravine, between ME & female Youth/young Femininity, when from now on there´s also the Difference in Age between ME & unused, fresh & fertile Femininity ???

What Perspective & Chance will be left to me, to ever catch UP on all that, which the Girls & Ladies already always had REJECTED to me & have DEPRIVED me of, when I still was young & fresh myself ???

I am afraid, that FEMALE Youth will become only MORE aloof, repellent, unapproachable to me, & thus even MORE scary to me , that way.

And: As this always is a mutual thing..., but the Girls & Women never ever become AWARE (enough) of their own Fears, Insecurity & Confusion, they therefore rather keep their Distance towards me, by judging me & labelling me as being "strange" , "weird" or "suspiciously crazy". :-/

This way, young women & Girls not only distract (themselves) from their own Fears, Insecurity & Confusion, NO, they also add some "artificial Significance" to ME (-without noticing so, of course-), which I definitely do NOT necessarily "need" to have, nor do I WANT to have it !

From the very beginning, I miss also a "consequential Resonance" & a "resonant Consequence" in all the Actions, Activity & Behaviour of female Youth ! WHERE on Earth had ever been the Correlation & the mutual Mirror-Images of the Behaviour, the Feelings & the Needs of young Femininity, compared to MINE ???

WHERE had been any Evidence of THEIR Longings & Wishing & Wanting (towards ME) ???

Why did the Girls & young women always make it AS EASY AS POSSIBLE for me all my Life, to "avoid" THEM (the other way round) in my former Addiction-to-Abstinence ???

Why had this been so darn EASY ...without experiencing ANY Resonance , either for THEM or for ME ???

I do NOT understand that at all !!! This is a Division by Zero !!! Here, the natural Laws known to me, face an arbitrary Exception of NO rational Definition or Explanation !!!

:-/

Soon, I´ll maybe end up like THIS Man here, who stayed young... because he stayed Single !:

among "HE searches HER":

GIRLS, WHAT DO YOU WANT ???

A nice Guy, with Humour, good-natured & a loyal Soul. Someone who will listen to You, understand You ...and who´s ready for any .. well, almost any Deed ! And also is handsome. Then finally open Your Eyes !!

My best Friend is such a Guy, but unfortunately, he´s too shy to talk to You Ladies. With Age 42, he´s probaly just in the right Age for You... so please write to him via E-Mail-Adress....

I am afraid of withering, before I have ever flourished !

From mw OWN personal Life-Experience, I could not even TELL nor KNOW, that Women actually DO have interest in the male Gender at all, ... if there hadn´t been the OLD, withered, worn-off, MARRIED Women , with (almost) grown-up Children !!!

As much as YOUNG Women & Girls have only avoided, ignored, shunned, spurned & "overlooked" me arrogantly all my Youth & my young Adulthood long, the OLD Ladies have been all the more obtrusive, importunate & troublesome towards ME , ever since I was a little Child !!!

From the Days of my Childhood, I was surrounded by nothing but "Aunties" , "Mommies" & "Grannies" !! :-( UGH !

All this almost crossed the line to "Child-Abuse" ! An older Man once used the Word "Prostitution", referring to this Situation.

If only 1 single young Women or Girl only ONCE had pressed so hard on me, adored me , swarmed (a)round me, only 1/thousandth as much, as those Armies of OLD Ladies always have done incessantly since my Childhood, .... if I therefore only ONCE had experienced a Fraction of this exuberant, foaming-over Interest & swollen, bloated Attention of the OLD, barren Femininity, ... by the YOUNG, FRESH, FERTILE & UNused Femininity for a Change, ... then I would be MARRIED now for many Years already ...and I would be the Father of 10 Children !

But instead of that, I have to now fight & fend off the unrelenting Storm & Attack of the encroaching, possessive, seizuring , occupying, possession-taking, "militantly-nice", troublesome, obtrusive, importunate, pushy, withered, used-up, worn-off, expired, faded, weather-worn, married, widowed, UNattractive, sterile, barren ... but horrible, awful, FORMER Femininity, for the Rest of my Life !!!

"Gery" is NOT the Abreviation of "Geriatrics", OK ??!!!!!

Definition of the Term "Menopause":

= The Age, from which on the Women all of a sudden "PAUSE" their hitherto existing, previous emotional Indifference & their Arrogance towards me ... for the Rest of their Lives.

I am afraid of withering, before I ever have flourished yet !

Why do only YOUNG Women & Girls NOT like "Nice-Guys" ? Whereas the OLD Women are even ADDICTED to those ?

The old Geezer-Ladies can even HATE me to the Core....but they never ever callously IGNORE me, like the Girls do ! :-( SIGH

--------

But it´s ME, actually, who is in an acute Hurry: My Time is running out, my "biological Clock" is ticking ! How shall I be able to get in Contact with YOUNG, FERTIL Femininity right in Time, ...when I have grown OLD myself, and have become worn-off & exhausted ???

And, what´s worst: I also won´t ever be able to be the Grandpa of my own Grand-Daughter, that way ! :-O

And when I´ll finally once have become an old Geezer of 99 Years myself:

NO OLD Lady will ever step TOO CLOSE up to me again !!!

Either I can finally manage to CATCH UP on my UNmet Needs for Contact with FEMALE YOUTH ...& HEAL UP this open Wound... or I´ll just stay Single untill the very last Day of my Life !!!

I am afraid of withering, before I ever got to flourish yet, in the first place !!!

https://www.studiblog.net/2014/06/04/why-women-dont-like-nice-guys/

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History and Purpose of Wahnmache/ MahnWache: ————————————————————————

Founded around 1991 by Gerhard Martin (Guitar & Keyboard & Drums) & Daniel Robert Oelbauer (Drums & Violin) as „TOLLHAUS“ (T.od O.hne L.angfristig L.ebenswerte H.offnung A.ll U.nseres S.eins ), while studying in the Gymnasium Sonthofen. Our first and only public Concert (Winter 1994) took place WITHOUT us, since we were NOT informed about it right in time. As NOBODY could be found for playing the bass, the „Band“ never grew to bigger extent than 3 men (additional Guitar-Player Andreas Reck joined in late 1993). And 1994 had been the year of the tacit disbandment, too. The project just diverged without comment. Some „easy & silly listening“-Folk-Rock-Band took the name TOLLHAUS for their Band…and I named my solo-project „WahnMache / MahnWache“ as an equivocation to the German word for a „political or admonishing vigil“ and the „making of madness“. It now is a solo-project, but it does not necessarily NEED to stay one, right ? ;-) Please help to develop these recordings into full wholesome songs with any instrument that would help to complement the expression of it. Strongly demanded would be Drums and Bass …but any other instrument is wellcome, too, as far as it can be useful to transport the emotional message of this music MORE, or in a new and interesting way. Please, let me know, WHAT your interpretation and supplement of my music will sound like. OK ?

Gerhard „Gerre“ Martin

Listen to my own Music-Compositions, please: d*-*b

It´s really expressive instru-metal Music , containing many influences, from "BACH to KRACH".

https://www.myspace.com/gerhard-martin

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https://www.myspace.com/wahnmache-mahnwache

https://www.myspace.com/mahnwache-wahnmache

https://www.myspace.com/wahnmache.mahnwache

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https://www.myspace.com/wahnmachemahnwache

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https://soundcloud.com/frankdubes-musics/sets/mahnwache-wahnmache

http://www.soundcloud.com/wahnmache-mahnwache/albums

http://www.soundcloud.com/mahnwache-wahnmache/albums

http://www.soundcloud.com/wahnmachemahnwache/albums

http://www.soundcloud.com/mahnwachewahnmache/albums

http://www.soundcloud.com/wahnmache/albums

http://www.soundcloud.com/mahnwache/albums

http://www.soundcloud.com/gerhard-martin/albums

https://soundcloud.com/gerhardmartin/albums

http://www.reverbnation.com/wahnmachemahnwache

https://www.reverbnation.com/musician/gerremartin

https://www.orfium.com/profile/wahnmache-mahnwache/

https://www.orfium.com/profile/mahnwache-wahnmache/

https://www.orfium.com/profile/wahnmache.mahnwache/

https://www.orfium.com/profile/mahnwache.wahnmache/

https://www.orfium.com/profile/wahnmachemahnwache/

https://www.orfium.com/profile/mahnwachewahnmache/

https://www.twine.fm/WahnmacheMahnwache

https://www.twine.fm/MahnwacheWahnmache

https://www.twine.fm/WahnMache

https://www.twine.fm/MahnWache

https://www.hypedsound.com/wahnmache-mahnwache

https://www.hypedsound.com/mahnwache-wahnmache

https://www.hypedsound.com/wahnmachemahnwache

https://www.hypedsound.com/mahnwachewahnmache

https://www.indabamusic.com/people/wahnmache_mahnwache

https://www.indabamusic.com/people/mahnwache_wahnmache

https://www.indabamusic.com/people/wahnmachemahnwache

https://www.indabamusic.com/people/mahnwachewahnmache

https://www.indabamusic.com/people/wahnmache

https://www.indabamusic.com/people/mahnwache

https://www.indabamusic.com/people/gerhard_martin

http://wahnmachemahnwache.bandcamp.com/

https://elcheaporecordz.bandcamp.com/album/mahnwache-wahnmache

https://www.hype.co/wahnmache-mahnwache

https://www.hype.co/mahnwache-wahnmache

https://www.hype.co/wahnmachemahnwache

https://www.hype.co/mahnwachewahnmache

https://plus.google.com/104633444816610301516

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCzpFdHXSBrYNBtpRm6vNYVg

https://www.facebook.com/wahnmache.mahnwache

https://play.spotify.com/user/wahnmache-mahnwache

https://wahnmache-mahnwache.jimdo.com/

https://mahnwache-wahnmache.jimdo.com/

https://wahnmache-mahnwache.tumblr.com/

https://wahnmachemahnwache.tumblr.com/

https://mahnwache-wahnmache.tumblr.com

https://mahnwachewahnmache.tumblr.com

http://www.last.fm/de/user/WahnMache

http://www.last.fm/de/user/Gerhard-Martin

http://www.metal-archives.com/bands/WahnMache_-_MahnWache/3540416849

http://www.metal-archives.com/artists/Gerhard_Martin/679837

http://static.metal-archives.com/~metalarc/board/viewtopic.php?f=1&t=116026&start=80

This one is very awesome, since the band is called "WahnMache / MahnWache"

<< >>

Wow ! Love this one. Their music isn't too bad, either.

http://www.bandnamen.de/w.htm

13 Wahnmache/Mahnwache-Music-Videos:

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLqwPjRzTey7XU4mYpLRSyVcUTakF-iGFe

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ryb_x4to0OE&list=PLqwPjRzTey7XU4mYpLRSyVcUTakF-iGFe&index=1

Download ALL Wahnmache/Mahnwache-Songs (mp3) HERE !!!:

SÄMTLICHE Wahnmache/Mahnwache-Stücke (mp3) hier zum Herunterladen !!!:

Télécharger TOUTES les Chansons de Wahnmache-Mahnwache (mp3) ICI !!!:

https://www.dropbox.com/sh/bnz7h83mttvthis/AAA2HdfmtKO9-k5shZuMRU-ga?oref=e

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

My (hopefully OVERlooked) "Music-Parody-Project":

>>Neg.(ativ)-Narz.(ißmus)<<:

https://myspace.com/negativer-narzissmus https://myspace.com/negativer.narzissmus

https://myspace.com/negativ-narzissmus

https://myspace.com/negativ.narzissmus

https://www.reverbnation.com/negativernarzissmus https://soundcloud.com/negativer-narzissmus/albums

https://soundcloud.com/negativernarzissmus/albums

https://www.twine.fm/negativernarzissmus http://www.reverbnation.com/musician/burtcocaine https://www.orfium.com/profile/negativer-narzissmus/ https://www.orfium.com/profile/negativer.narzissmus/

https://www.orfium.com/profile/negativ-narzissmus/

https://www.orfium.com/profile/negativ.narzissmus/

https://www.indabamusic.com/people/negativer_narzissmus

https://www.indabamusic.com/people/negativ_narzissmus https://www.hype.co/negativer-narzissmus https://www.hypedsound.com/negativer-narzissmus

Download the FULL Album "zu allem Überfluß" as a ZIP-file with mp3-Songs:

Das vollständige Album "zu allem Überfluß" als ZIP-Datei mit mp3-Liedern:

Télécharger TOUTES les Chansons (mp3) de l ´Album "zu allem Überfluß" ici:

https://www.dropbox.com/s/894rrtqdpgi4o6n/ZORN%20%E2%80%93%20Zu%20allem%20%C3%9Cberfluss.zip?oref=e

https://www.dropbox.com/s/894rrtqdpgi4o6n/ZORN%20%E2%80%93%20Zu%20allem%20%C3%9Cberfluss.zip?oref=e#sthash.aAJfIaFq.dpuf

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I am a MOVIE-STAR now !!! B-)

And even with "half-NUDE-scenes" !!! 8-o ;-) :-P :"> =D Mmmmmh ! ^__^WHEEEEHHH !!!

From Minute 0:35 on, can be seen ! 8-D WOW !

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iU9TUB_KsH8 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ECdxwD2KcWU

The COMPLETE documentary-film (40 min) for Download:

https://www.dropbox.com/s/hib6jlsj8e7ne44/20140910-2015.m.mp4

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_xBGxTJKNQc

And finally, I had been engaged in THIS Cinema-Movie B-) as the MAIN supernumerary star:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ke6MaplcKdY

The Scene where I appear was filmed in Oberstdorf, Bavaria at the Schattenberg-Ski-Jump-Ramp ! It´s some mixture of Entertainment & Documentary about the short-sighted British Ski-Jumper Michael "Eddie" Edwards !

Voilà ! ^__^ Enjoy !!!

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My life had been totally DEVOID of “female youth” from the very beginning: I have had NO sister, NO girl-friend, NO fiancée, NO wife, NO daughter EVER ! :((( All my Life, I only have been applying myself totally IN VAIN for experiencing some YOUNG Femininity ! :-O :'(

Thanks to the fear, mistrust and shyness of you Ladies I have nothing but been alone all my life. :-(

And instead of explaining to me, what disturbes you talking to me, looking at me (and what I could possibly change), you just say: “I don´t believe, you never had a girl-friend. I think you´re joking!” :-O Or you just ask ME: “What has been the reason for the failure ?”, allthough I hoped to learn THAT from YOU. :-(

In meinem einsamen Leben hat das “Junge, Weibliche” immerzu nur gefehlt, schon von Anfang an: Ich hatte keine Schwester, keine Freundin, keine Verlobte, keine Frau, keine Tochter !!! :((( Ich habe mich mein GESAMTES Leben lang immer nur VERGEBLICH um etwas "WEIBLICHE JUGEND" bemüht gehabt ! :-O :'(

Dank dem Mißtrauen, der Scheu und Angst von Euch Damen war ich mein ganzes Leben lang nur allein. :-(

Oder ihr fragt mich: “WORAN scheiterte es denn immer ?”, obwohl ICH doch diese Frage endlich von EUCH geklärt zu bekommen hoffte. :-(

Dans ma Vie, la jeune Fémininité n´a que MANQUÉE seulement ! :-O :-X

Je n´ai eu une soeur, une amie, une coupine, une fiancée, une femme, une épuse, ou une propre fille de moi-même jamais !!! :((( J´ai essayé à trouver un peu de la Jeunesse féminie totallement EN VAINE. :-O :'(

Grâce à la peur et défiance de vous femmes je n´ai été que seul toute ma vie. :-(

Et au lieu de m´expliquer ce que vous gênes de parler avec moi et regarder moi (, et me dire ce que je peux changer peut-être), vous me disez: »Je ne croix pas, que tu n´ais eu d´amie jamais ! Je pense, que tu raconte des bobards!« Ou vous demandez MOI : » C´était à cause de QUOI ?«, bien que MOI, JE veux apprendre ça de VOUS.

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0 notes

am-i-untouchable · 7 years

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