#im not sure ill ever finish the comic tho

[art-afloat]

Alone Together | Solas, Dragon Age

[crescentmoonrider]

father's day gifts from Megumi and Tsumiki

[todayisafridaynight]

oh my god i forgot to share my delulu-ass dream where i made a masadai doujin

[mamadarama]

https://www.tumblr.com/mamadarama/754953105887641600/bad-end-alt-timeline-oaugh-i-love-mama-and-do?source=share

SOMEONE WRITE THIS AS A FIC PLEASEEEEEEE

well i dont know about that, im not a very good writer and ive only ever written like 4 fics in my life (none for enstars) but theres a painting ive been working on with this subject and i have a comic i wanna make for it someday, and maybe an amv but thats wishful thinking cuz ive never been able to finish an animation before. idk maybe ill give writing a shot again someday. writing something bad is way more embarrassing for me than drawing something bad for some reason

im really really happy other people like it tho, this alt timeline is rlly personal and special to me :'DD i was kind of nervous to talk abt it cuz i wasnt sure what the general consensus was on suicide fan content and i didnt wanna blindside anyone outta nowhere with my f5 tornado of angst hah

[ganondoodle]

I recently just found your art (im loving and drowning in all of it)

Wanted to ask have you ever thought about the seal in which demise was kept in durring SS. I been replaying it and kind of thinking about, well, if Hylia created the seal, she made that sealscape/spiritprison(?) a very peaceful environment. Calming clear skys reflected in still waters. This only changes once the battle w Demise starts (makes me think the space is just very reflective/responsive of prisoners mind/emotions)

Anyhow! If Hylia was the one to make the seal what do you think she had in mind, how she was feeling ? W ur ship art of them in mind, I kinda get mercy vibes despite what she'd eventually have to do to him, but not wanting to put him through anymore pain? A sad goodbye moment. A sort of final resting place, maybe this space was an origin point of their first encounter w one another and its a recreationof it? Id love to see your ideas/character feels interpretations. Also sorry if this was asked or talked about previously im v new here ;v;

that is a very interesting thought, and not far actually from my plan for “destiny”, im really glad people seem to enjoy my art, even when its shippy or not fanart at all :D tho i am not sure how to answer this since, well, its a bit difficult, even knowing how everything in the story will go, i cant decide really. is it an intentionally “nice” place for a prison ? is in reality much more of a torture having to be there all alone ? was he even conscious in it ? was his very being scattered into a thousand pieces within it ? was he even able to feel any pain ? or was he in constant pain trying to recollect himself ? how does one know what happens to someone that gets sealed ? it always seems like whenever someone is sealed, they come back more ful of anger and hatred ? in what kind of hell does one get send when they get sealed away ? it might seem silly thinking so much about a game and its lore but i cant help it, i always wonder what must have happened to make the villains a villain ? people arent born evil ... and i just cant accept the answer of someone just “being” evil without an explanation ?? well im writing a story about that. in some part at least, i know its taking me a long time but this fancomic has taken me a lot of thought and work already even if you haven seen much of it yet, i will both explore the relationship between hylia demise and others, but a big part will be demises origin, i really hope you guys are going to like it sinceim very invested into everything SO i am not sure how much you know so ill talk a bit about the end of “destiny”, so SPOILERS FOR DESTINY AHEAD: i had made a post about demises origin/backstory a while back, crudely summarized bc i just typed it out to remember it properly, im not sure if you have seen it but it shouldnt be too far back somewhere on my blog if you want to take a look, tho things will still change, its base will stay the same, im leaving out pretty the whole story, so maybe, i hope, you will still be interested in reading it once i get it all drawn out, or maybe not, im not the one to decide that .. ANYWAY at the end of it, hylia will be ordered one last time to finally do her duty and seal demise away, she will try to talk to her gods that there is another way to solve everything, but they will not listen. hylia then refuses to do as she was ordered, even tho demise had warned her not to do that and that she instead should just go and kill him; if hes dead he at least wont have to get to know whatever happens to someone that gets sealed, hed much prefer never finding out; but she is too determined to give up the thought of another possibillity and thus the gods have to take things into their own hands and take control over her, forcing her to watch as her body acts on their will and not hers anymore. there will be a brief moment where demise gets to free her of them, since in that last fight hes much less fighting for his own survival, which he knows is impossible, but for hylia not to die from being in the gods control for too long. besides, he very much wants to fight the gods themselves, but he wants to do that with only him involved and them, and not someone else; thus he regains his previous, pure form from back when he was just like her, only for a short moment tho and in the end he will be sealed away by the gods acting through hylia. while she dies after the deed is done, hes sealed away yes, but although shattered, not quite dead yet, and his hatred towards the gods will burn much stronger now than it ever had before, not just because of what they did to him and his world but to her now as well.

WELL THEN that was alot and probably not even a glimpse as interesting as i hope it will be in the finished comic, with all the context in all regards.  i apologize for the length of this, and this possibly unwated and uninteresting spoiler part about this damn story that i cant get out of my head anymore. (also for .. the typos .. im writing this at 1am and it took me like an hour bc i just didnt know how to write it out) sorry, i just care alot about this.... too much probablyヾ(*′○`)ﾟ.+:｡ﾟ☆

[aiviloti]

my 2020 fic writer wrap-up!!

this is going to be incredibly long (a total of 1.1k lmao) so imma put a cut here, but basically thank you for being here all throughout my 2020! i appreciate you all very much <3

fav kind of fic to write:

i love writing about mutual pining slow burn process of getting together but i have NEVER WRITTEN ONE IN MY LIFE so i hope to change that in 2021

in 2020 i discovered??? humour??? so i enjoy writing about that and when people tell me i’ve succeeded in making them laugh it’s all 😳😳😳 for me

hardest fic to write but also most proud of:

to write you a song was a fic i struggled with from all of april to june which is very long?? to me??? considering i usually sit down and write things in one seating. fully fleshed ideas don’t usually take me thaaaaaat long to crunch out, but for some reason i struggled bad with this bc I really didn’t know where i was going w it lol

LA LA LAND gets an honorary mention of it’s own simply because it was 44k, and it took me all of july-september, but it’s something i still am proud of! to show how difficult it was to write/plot here’s the spreadsheet i had to use to keep track of the scenes and the chapters djkgfsjdfkjhgd

Shout out to kiroiimye , sweet , sirius and krypt for keeping my sanity intact

easiest fic to write:

this genshin impact fic: The Land Favoured by the Wind but its because ive been thinking about this idea for more than a month lol so the actual writing and editing took me less than 3 hours

there were several others too, bc ideas then to hook themselves to me then refuse to let go fjshlfgdfsg

fav fic to write:

Most definitely this sakuatsu monstrosity here by the name of Miya Atsumu's unwavering love for Sakusa Kiyoomi and an unholy amount of terrible food analogies that should not have the right to Exist lol, I only came up with the idea of Atsumu asking Osamu how to make friends bc I was friendship pining for someone at the time and then proceeded to write the entirety of it in a feverish daze! It’s as of rn my top hit / kudoed / bookmarked fic on ao3 and man, thanks for liking this as much as i did :’D

writing sequence:

i have to write from start to finish lmao i cant move on if the fic isnt chronological? the only exception was la la land bc it was too long and i had help from the spreadsheet so i alr knew where i was going i just had to write it down dfhdsfksfksdfhjg

deleting works:

the only fics i remember deleting are both first chapters of a multichap, bc i dont like having unfinished pieces on ao3, and far less if im not sure if ill finish them/if i dont know where im going w it!

if it’s dark history of shit 15 year old me wrote imma keep it there! it is an archive after all. go on, judge my fics from 5 years ago ahahahaha

best writing advice:

not a general thing and might just apply tome, but i tend to write in very convoluted ways and squish a lot in my sentences, or add to many unnecessary commas, so i received advice recently about being more mindful of the pacing and it’s helped me a lot!

worst writing advice:

none at the top of my head djgfkdsjfh if it’s bs to me i just forget it entirelyyyy

collab:

@actuallyasweetpotato​ (also aforementioned sweet) and i did a thing for bokuaka week!!!! you can find it here:  under my breath and into your scarf

wips:

9 unfinished zine pieces, 3 commissions, 1 exchange piece, about 10 or so other things

fav story of another writer:

favourite things 

manly man falls for manliest man krbk fic!!!

gently, like a winter wind iwaoi birthday fic

sunchaser krbk fic

JUNO atsuhina fic

best review:

dude i cried

and shoutout to tien , sirius for fan art, fan comics, fan animatics of fics ive written, and shoutout to akemiiiii for this song they wrote i am eternaally grateful

worst review:

no negativity today!

prequel/sequel to other people’s fics:

none at the top of my head hm, but if anything probably any of kiro skk stuff 

do i reread my stuff:

yes, but only if they’re old enough for me to go “it’s okay even if i dont like it bc this is old”

published:

hopefully! even though i do take part in zines and i guess they already have been published in a broad sense

fav/least fav chara to write:

no one at the top of my head! it’s instinctive for me to go ahead and think about character motives whenever i come across them, so if i ever write about someone, i usually just put my spin/interpretation of a character in a way that i can comprehend. the pros of this is i can write about many people, and the downside is that these characterisations can come off as out of character to anyone who doesn’t agree w me hehe

deadlines or goals:

if it’s a oneshot that’s under 3k i usually aim to have it done within 24 hours of beginning the fic. even tho i rarely succeed, having that as a goal usually pushes me to get it done faster than i would have if i had no goal altogether! if it’s anything long i aim for 1k a day, tho rn all my deadlines are zine deadlines and on top of that there’s uni, so to say im not stressing about writing would be a lie LOL

fav writers: (am too shy to tag but i swear these people are literal gods)

chonideno (mag): tumblr | twitter | ao3

batman (teesta): twitter | ao3

maplefudge (raei): tumblr | twitter | ao3

trope never written, would like to try:

aforementioned SLOWBURN MUTUAL PINING ANGST W A HAPPY ENDING GETTING TOGETHER!!!

but also royalty au

trope you will never write:

haha loads

how long have you been a writer:

began writing around may of 2014!! it was a horrible piece but im glad i started somewhere

influences:

chonideno/mag is one! maggie stiefvater who wrote the raven boys is also one, among many others

hardest part of writing: 

writing action? writing things that are happening right now, describing people talking, eating

easiest part of writing:

descriptions of people, places, feelings. internal monologues, the like

best part of writing:

sharing how i perceive the world w other people, and discovering other people agree

wip sneak peek:

cw: hanahaki, falling out of love

this was written in a friend’s dms lmao this is why i sound like this

something unique i bring to all my stories

i had a revelation the other day after talking to all my friends and realised i have really pretentious titles

IF YOU’RE HERE

did you know the wc of this thing is 1k words? idk why you stuck through all of that but thank you. i’ll keep writing in 2021, and all the years after that, and i hope i’ll find you doing things you love too :)

[misas-biggest-fan]

🤣😭📚!

thank you!!

🤣 Has a fic ever made your face hurt from laughing so much?

oh hmm!!! the thing is im SURE it has i find things funny really easily. I’m sorry i can’t think of an actual example tho!!

😭 Has a fic ever left you inconsolable?

a;sdlkjf lots of people have mentioned ‘this is how i disappear’ which left me feeling very empty and sad inside LOL. i’ll also admit that there’s some fics that end up being so good that i get super jealous LOL and that’s got to count for something!! ill also occasionally find some rly sad or cynical fics which are super super good, but so different from my own comparatively very silly and cheerful interpretations of canon that they hit me like a truck of bricks!!

📚 What’s the longest fic you’ve read in one sitting?

oo.... hmm.... honestly, before coming back to the dn fandom, i didn’t read a ton of fic. i read a few highly recommended captain america fics which were good, but i didn’t seek it out a ton since my headcanons for the comics are vastly different from other people’s. however, i thiiiiiink ive maybe finished 20 or 30k in a sitting before. 

ty again!

[supermysteriouscat]

1-15 for the ask game

Oh ok well you’re just gonna go and ask all of them? Ollright, well, I already answered three and Ill answer the rest here. yw…

1. Boobs or ass?

wrong. dip of the neck, biceps, and most importantly that fold right below the hip bone, above the thigh,, thats where its at.

2. Long hair or short?

yes

4. When kissing tongue or no tongue?

tongue. gently tho. don’t shove it in there. gently

5. How do you approach her?

still working on that. 

jk but like prolly just  a’hey’ will do

6. What would her nickname be?

Babe.

7. How would you please her?

ooh ;). Listening and responding appropriately…

Like if she mentions she likes a certain chocolate then maybe you surprise her with it some day. idk what else y’all were thinking of thats absolutely all I meant by that statement.

8. OITNB Or orphan black?

Ive only really watched orphan black and I think Tatiana Maslaney did an amazing job (but I haven’t finished watching that either)

11. How do you dress on a normal occasion?

It literally depends. Today Im wearing a soft pink silk button down with black jeans and sneakers but like, it depends,

12. Rough sex or making love?

tbh I don’t think they’re mutually exclusive. All Ill say is that if you love her let her know. Make sure she knows it, at all time, esp. during sex.

13. Personality you look for in a girl?

tbh I just really appreciate someone who really has a distinct personality. They don’t have to be loud or extraverted or anything but I really need to feel like I know them. Also because im opinionated I tend to drift towards people who if not relate at least understand (and hopefully appreciate you know cuz I don’t wanna end up with someone who doesn’t like my personality either). I think its really fucking hot when a girl has opinions and really stands for them, or in some way is really ambitious or driven. Most important tho is compatibility, which usually presents as banter that is both comfortable and fun, so thats what I tend to look for

(wow this last one turned out really long sorry. But you know, pro-tips by Cynthia, enjoy)

15. What was your coming out story?

So this is kinda reductionist imo, because I don’t have /one/ coming out story. My life has been a whole series of coming out, to myself, to my class, to my team, to my family, to other family members, to random strangers, to teachers, mentors, every single person I encounter and need to make a conscious decision of how much ambiguity to leave them with, the entirety of the world I interact with, people I don’t know and will never meet again but saw me on a bus once on the way to pride… I don’t have a coming out story. I mean really I am a fucking coming out story but what does that even mean. That being said im not going to leave you with some deep philosophical question or anything, Ill give you a little humorous tid-bit.

So, here we go, fun-fact. One of my first days at uni I was having a social with the other people in my course to get to know people. The event ended at 6, but a few people left before that. At six, about half the people had left, but they made it clear we could stay and chat for as long as we wanted. So I stayed, and so did a few (albeit less and less as the hours went by) others. At some point it had pretty much whittled down to about 4 of us, and somehow it came up as I was talking about high school or some other mundane thing (as it always does because my gayness is fucking everywhere), that I was, you know,, homosexual. So I said something like, ‘I came out pretty early in life’ or something and this girl in my course, a non-native speaker of English, with very little filter, stops dead in her tracks, and looks at me in a way that makes me stop talking as well. In the most dramatic, comical way Ive ever seen in my life she sticks her hands backwards as if holding back the other person leaned back very casually in their seat, and literally an empty chair, leans forward, reaching halfway across the table towards me, and says “wait!– – are you,,, a GAY??¿¿?¿?¿”. The funniest part is that she did not mean this in a homophobic way, it was honestly very innocent, but also, incidentally, hilarious to me. In the most monotone voice I could muster I said “yes, I am a gay” and tried to continue my story but in all honesty that was one of the funniest consequences of being gay, of my entire life.

[simkjrs]

when does the canon/msa crossover happen tho. is msa!deck trying to get away from Frienship Central while canon!izuku is unconscious in the others body in the 12 hours when hes asleep, or is he stuck in the nightmare scenario when all his friends and dad dont know him and hes being chased by HIS TEACHER AND SAID FRIENDS in some twisted version of his life in the future?? does msa!deck shriek the moment he opens his eyes bc oHMYGOD WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU SEVEN..WHAT THE FUCK. IM DYING TO KNOW, SIMK

msa izuku, about a week after the kamino ward incident, swaps places with canon izuku in the sports festival precisely at the end of the obstacle race. presumably he has disappeared from his universe for good, and canon izuku is. also gone? i didnt think too hard about it. only enough to give izuku an existential crisis and move on

Anonymous said: great can't wait to sob like a baby @7:30 in the morning

its fine i edited it out because of this vvv

Anonymous said: VERY MUCH

presumably this ask was in response to the question “do you all care about spoilers in the story” so i went ahead and reworked the scene in question so that it is no longer full of the most important spoilers in msa. now sports festival au is only full of more minor spoilers, such as what all the kids’ spirits look like! warning for that though.

Anonymous said: not to be ass but.. on a scale of 1 to10 how close are we to seeing the sportsfestival!msa!au posted (it sounds sooo funny, when i havr time ill draw smth for it i qlready have a comic idea in my memos)

hmm....  maybe a 6-7? i want to finish this oneshot(? possibly more) at the end of the sports festival, so i still need to get through the fights. and then there’s a couple more scenes im thinking about writing but they’d belong much better to a second installment, which is. why sports festival au is possibly not going to be a oneshot

on a related note i have been asking myself for the past three days where i am going to post this, i’ve definitely written too much for a tumblr post but im loathe to post this on ao3 because my profile page looks so nice and official with only two works and all of them very serious and self contained. but i’d probably have to make msa into a series and post sports festival au as a “part 2″? not sure. we’ll see. 

Anonymous said: Have you ever said what the Todo/roki family’s spirits look like in the MHA verse? Inquiring minds want to know! Also, if Iz/uku were to make E/nji tangible to spirits somehow, how screwed would he be? (Can’t imagine the spirits of his wife and children are terribly happy with the man with how he treated their charges.)

stay tuned next for, SPORTS FESTIVAL AU

but nope it hasn’t come up in official msa ‘verse yet!

if en/ji became tangible to spirits there would definitely be plenty of spirits out for his head haha. spirits as a whole tend to be a lot more exacting and unforgiving in their grudges.

[kosmicdream]

Flight or Fight Drawing mode

for me, i think there’s always this restless feeling that comes when working on comics. That feeling that time is running out or not being utilized to its fullest degree. You are aware of how much more there is to go in your story and can calculate the progression of your journey, but only the present. As you keep going on your story, the circumstances change, and it is always this fluid process you cannot fully accommodate and plan for.

I know in the few years since I started drawing FFAK my expectation for myself and my work has changed tremendously. Its something i reflect on a lot, since i forget how not too long ago, I felt like i was somewhat incapable of producing a comic because of the way i enjoy to write and explore stories. I still think fundamentally, FFAK reflects that raw unedited version of my writing and creative skills in a unique way that I doubt will be replicated again (in the same manner) even as i explore and work on other stories. FFAK just carries this certain kind of momentum of forwards and backwards both at once. You stretch all over the place and peek through small doors to go in strange places. Growth is difficult to gauge because of the way time is handled in the story. Goal points seem endless and bleed together from my perspective. There’s always so much more to go and so much planned that when you make accomplishments they feel sort of like a bunch of tiny small steps in many different directions. And honestly, No one is more impatient than i when it comes to waiting to share this story than me. I am always biting my nails and wanting to get it out faster SOMEHOW even though I work on it constantly as it is. FFAK is no longer just.. a random comic idea i started on a whim that I felt i would only dip my toes in and never actually attempt making. and now it really has consumed my mind like a wildfire. it is also my fireplace and my home in my heart and my peace. I don’t even think I could ever fully be prepared for and handle such a thing but I am glad to have it in my life. But as the haze.. shock? of starting this project starts to fade i find myself fully committed and trying to evaluate the steps and process i take for this comic as a whole. I think its interesting how 2ish years of planning basically gives me enough time to know what sort of story I’m doing. But I am in no eager rush to finish it because my excitement for it only grows and feels more satisfying the more i write and plan. Part of me gets upset I don’t blast pages out the “same” way anymore, even though i appreciate the exploration of ‘putting more effort’ into my drawings. Instead of drawing thru 20 pages a night I’m polishing like, 2.. or 4 a work night. Its kind of annoying!! because I’m not really one for polish and editing (or maybe I just never believed myself capable of doing it in a way i liked? lol) but.. it just feels like the right thing to do right now. it feels almost impossible to ‘rewind’ myself or go back to like, thinking things in a different way than what i try to do now. by attempting more things visually it kind of makes some things easier too. im often pretty surprised like “hey alright that came out ok. i guess i can push myself a little bit more next time to make it look better!!” I think about my early eggshells pages a lot and how i labored over like.. 15 pages over an entire year and felt miserable and in the end, often over rendered + lost clarity and energy and now i just get what i was doing ‘wrong’ to make it not fun for myself. Like, even when i was offered advice at the time I wasnt so welcome to it nor did i understand it, its like I had to suffer a bit before I was able to understand what I needed to do with myself lol. The lesson feels much more impactful after discovering it for myself too on my own pace imo. SO i am thankful for how that turned out! Then i broke down my art to its most base level (earliest ffak pages) and i’ve just been rebuilding myself back up since then and now I’m attempting things I didn’t even think I’d be able to do -- or be interested in. (like color, for example, has never been something I was too interested including with my comics but like.. blammo here i am doing it anyway now.) anyway. its really cool, this art journey thing. i kinda wonder how long ill coast on this certain part of it before i like, end up doing an unexpected detour again. Maybe I won’t..? i dont know!! FFAK is so raw and alive it makes me happy i get to make it and do whatever i want in it. I always wanted to make a comic that I could contribute to on a day to day basis rather than something you just make so you can get it done asap and move onto the next thing. When ffak does eventually finish I wonder if it will be really hard on me. I look forward to its ending because its really neat but it is not a world I want to let go of so quickly. Even tho i have several other stories I’d like to do.. (and have started a couple already LMAO) I think about that expectation with ending stories a lot and completing projects. Most of my very favorite comics have yet to end despite going on for decades.. and when i think about that too, it almost feels very strange. Readers generally want closure to reflect on their experiences reading something so endings are that important ‘release’ from that fake world and  time you participated in it. But when i ask myself what I want to do for endings to my story, i try to contemplate  my favorite endings to stories ive read/watched/experienced to figure out what i want to do with my own. Since.. its my story and my satisfaction with it is really going to be reflective of what I like. Everyone interpretes ‘good’ endings differently and like, clings into diff parts of what makes a satisfying story so its important to isolate what elements you find are important to try to replicate that in your own work. But like.. its hard to see what kind of ending you’re going to make before you make it???? And making the story is a difficult thing to let go of vrs just being funneled all the stuff. Maybe my ‘ffak reader’ half of me will be satisfied but will my ‘ffak creator’ side be happy? Will i feel fufilled on both parts? I mean an experience is going to just be an experience.. i cannot manufacture or control it to be anything than what it will be so to think about it too much is probably only going to go in circles. It certainly has changed me a lot as a person and an artist. WHich is disorienting b/c im also introducing my work to everyone while not also knowing myself completely. (not that is ever fully achievable but, its been something i get forced to confront a lot.) When I work on this project I fight so many demons of my own life, chase ghosts of my heros that i feel are so beyond my ability, and stare down the illusion of my own reflection of what kind of artist i want to be every time i draw a new page.. I’m never going to really be that reflection, and my heros will always be my heros and they’ll always do things I cannot, but I wonder what kind of creator I look like from the outside?? from a person who isnt me. I cannot experience myself as a ‘reader’ but I try to pretend I am seeing myself as one. And the most exciting thing about myself, from that outside perspective, is that I am not sure what I will attempt next or what strange journey i will write about. I am happy that despite every difficult thing I have been through, I am still excited and having fun with my art like I have only just first attempted to draw. Soon FFAK will be three years old and (likely) 4000 pages by then.. I still havent gotten to write and draw out things I planned the very first day, but now I know roughly how the story will end (without actually getting to draw it yet, of course.) And i’m just anticipating the future while knowing  that...i have no idea what it will bring!!! O_O (one thing is for certain i hope to fuck my house doesnt burn down again because, istg, that fucking SUCKED!!!!!!!!) Wooh.. well. i just felt like sharing some thoughts since i just got done re-reading some of ffak and feel a bit overwhelmed with emotion.. Thank you all for sticking around and experiencing this comic with me..! :’3 -kosmic

[tumblunni]

Man its so weird to think back and see how many signs there were that I was transgender long before I realized it. I was SO fucking oblivious, I had no clue that being nonbinary was even an option, all I knew was 'well I don't wanna be the opposite gender but I don't wanna be the one I was assigned at birth'. (Except obviously I didn't even know the correct words to describe it) And like... I bought into A LOT of horrible transphobic bullshit, cos I was raised with a biased view of what being transgender even is. 'Trans-sexual people are turned on by wearing women's clothes'. Ugh. And I was completely disgusted by it, since I'm a sex repulsed asexual and everything about foreplay or whatever disgusts me. My parents and pop culture and stuff all treated it like trans people were the equivelant of someone into BDSM wearing nipple clamps out in public or something. 'Well in theory I have nothing against them having that kink, but why do they have to show it in public?' Being trans was ALWAYS only shown as 'oo kinky I like to crossdress in the bedroom', as if it was a fucking sexuality, as if there was NO OTHER REASON why someone would wanna wear the 'wrong' clothes and use the 'wrong' pronouns. I felt viscerally disgusted at myself whenever I didn't want to wear my birth gender's cliche outfits, I denied absolutely everything cos I didn't want people to think I was a pervert. I didn't even know it was POSSIBLE to be transgender and asexual, or even that being transgender wasn't the same as being gay! I said SO MUCH fucking horrible transphobic and homophobic stuff as a kid, just parroting what I was told, and overcompensating for hating myself by making it clear I hated everyone remotely similar to me. While being in huge denial that they were similar to me! And I'm gonna carry these regrets forever and always worry that I stopped someone else from feeling comfortable about theirself and just... GAHH! And I did all the same too about parroting stereotypes of 'crazy people' and 'r*tards' before I learned that this big ol stereotype about autism was bullshit and real autistic people look EXACTLY LIKE MYSELF It just makes me think a lot about how many other people out there might be trans and not have the ability to find out because they've been buried so utterly in this false, bigoted image of what a trans person actually is. Tho also I hate the dumb stereotype that 'all homophobes are secretly gay', like seriously wtf why u wanna escape all responsibility for your actions and say the only problem is gay people systemically oppressing THEMSELVES... ANYWAY I went off on a sad train of thought there but back to the point! I'm just remembering this one part of a school trip that was like one of my most treasured memories for no logical reason until I realised I was trans. I met a new classmate and he mistook me for the opposite gender, and I was like 'HOLY SHIT WHY AM I HAPPY' until someone else 'corrected' him. I mean.. I knew I wasn't that gender either, but it felt like a weight off my shoulders to at least be misgendered the opposite way for once. I felt inexplicably happy that I was looking ambiguous enough to even be in question! And this was when I was like 11, I had no clue what word to even assign to these feelings... And I mean, it was SO DUMB that I never noticed these signs! This is what internalized transphobia does to you! Like 'hey there's probably no reason at all why I always play as a different gender ever time I buy a pokemon game, and get this self hatey feeling in my gut when both options have very stereotypically gendered costumes'. And 'wow there sure is no reason why I got inexplicably attached to this genderless character and can't stop thinking about ways to prove they aren't real'. Seriously all that debate about 'quina is really a girl/boy' with weird evidence in stat builds and equip items and stuff! I got REALLY into that transphobic bullshit cos it was something that shook up my perception of the world and I felt like if not being either gender was ACTUALLY AN OPTION then id have to address painful things about myself. If I knew I could be that, I couldn't keep lying to myself. So I went in aggressive denial mode and missed this chance to come out of the closet at like 9 years old and save myself a damn lot of trouble! And then I just went through the same bullshit at 14 with Chrona from Soul Eater, and could not explain why on earth I was so upset that the English dub assigned them a random gender instead of translating it properly... And OH MAN how fucking dysphoric I was about puberty even before I knew that dysphoria was a thing! It was like 'hey look you're growing up!' 'NO IM NOT DEAR GOD NEVER SAY THAT AGAIN'. And that led to this stupid thing of me just saying 'well I have the mental age of a seven year old LOL' to excuse whenever I acted 'weird'. My forum avatar and stuff was a doodle of myself in chibi form, etc. (Even literally wearing chest binding... I only knee at the time that it was 'a martial arts thing' tho.) Like, I'd got all these messages that not wanting sex was 'childish' and not wanting my body to change was obviously 'immature', and when I was undiagnosed with mental illness and trying yo make up excuses for how I TOTALKY didn't have a mental illness, all I could say was 'ha ha I'm totally uhh... Doing it on purpose? Cos I'm so... Quirky?' I got obsessed with overacting as a class clown, cos I mean you can also excuse cross dressing as a thing that 'the comic relief character' does... And OH MAN, like my big Special Interest throughout all of high school was Norse myth, more specifically Loki. I was FASCINATED with the idea of a shape shifter who could be either gender, and was completely unashamed about it. And, of course, I used to play it off as 'ha ha isn't it so funny he turned into a girl', when I seriously did not have any clue WHY it was funny, I just thought I had to say it. It HAD to be the reason I was so sympathetic yo this character, right? Because he's A FUNNY JOKE?? And man then I got so obsessed with researching non gendered English pronouns from the 18th century and championing how they should totally come back into modern language and EVEN THEN I was in denial! It took until I played Magical Diary to realise 'well fuck I'm trans'. It took a game outright saying that these genderless pronouns arent just 'to be inclusive of both genders' but can be used for A THIRD GENDER, A GENDERLESS GENDER, A BOTH AND/OR NEITHER GENDER!! A game saying that this gender does exist in human beings, and EVEN THEN I took ages to be sure that it was really real and not just a fantasy thing that the game made up. I mean, quina was totally only genderless cos they're a magical creature, right? (Completely ignoring the fact that the other two members of that magical creature town are both male...) And just.... AAAAAAA I feel like I'm the human personification of that 'no Patrick, put it on the lid' meme No, you're trans. No, TRANS. Trans, bunni! TRANS!! This is what societal prejudices do to people. Even LGBTQ people usually grow up within homophobic, transphobic society, absorbing all the same messages. It destroys our ability to be okay with being ourselves... Its so fucking sad that this happened to me, and it hurts even more to think of all the times I said insensitive offensive stuff to other LGBTQ people back when I thought I was cis and straight... Gahhhh... ALSO, it makes me extra sad that Summon Night: Swordcraft Story 2 never got released in Europe. There's a character there called Arno who's NB and very out about it, and the English translators didn't make a mess of it, or anything. People actually call Arno 'they', and literally their catchphrase is 'Are you a boy or a girl?' 'I'm just a child of the wind~' Like seriously NO ambiguity, character actually getting to dish out sick burns when being misgendered, absolutely NO room for the ol 'well they just don't MENTION a gender, it doesn't mean they were intended to be nonbinary' excuse. Arno outright stating 'I am not a boy, and I an not a girl'. And your protagonist respecting it! Arno is still my absolute fave best handled nonbinary character in all of games. And the summon night series is very inclusive with a lot of gay romance options! Its a shame tho that the only other game with a nonbinary character was never dubbed even in america. But apparently the protags of previous games get a cameo in the upcoming Summon Night 6 which finally will be released in Europe! I just hope they handle Corlal's pronouns respectfully, considering how they managed to do it so well a decade ago with Arno. But then again the Swordcraft Story series is a spinoff so the main games might have different translators? Anyway, let me hug my tiny enby dragon child! Also I'm sad the cellphone app trading card game never got dubbed either, cos Corlal got some cute cards for the valentine's day event. All three dragon kids just got adorable scenes making platonic family chocolate for their siblings cos they're too young to really participate. And they thankfully got super cute totally non-lolicon maid and butler outfits like SERIOUSLY THANK GOD FOR THAT! Just cute ten year olds playing dressup like normal kids. Corlal got two cards for that one! Them being nonbinary continues to be 100% canon, they got a version with both a dress and a tuxedo. AND ITS SO FUCKING CUTE MY GOD ...man I'm sorry this just went off topic into how great that series is But anyway! If I've ever said anything that offends you, please message me about it! I'm still unlearning a lot of internalized prejudice. Also if you want a quality nonbinary werewolf in a cool side scrolling GBA jrpg, look for Arno! Im on mobile rite now so I can't send links n stuff, but as soon as I finish moving my PC desk to the other room I shall spam you all with my obscure fandom's!!!

[minecraftgender]

current list of all alters

oh lord here we go: Luna: Hello! Im Luna! Normally I talk with a semicolon (;) before what I say. I'm 37 years old (my birthday is April 8) and I've really been around for about four years. I formed in the summer of 2014. I pretended to be an imaginary friend for the longest time up until late February. I'm the mother of our system along with a few others. I really don't have much to say about myself other than that. Oh also I'm pregnant and due in October. Jason: hey im jason im a protector or some shit. idk i like popcorn and homestuck. im 17 i guess my birthday is december 6 because im a fucking homestuck. i formed in late february by being an asshole and yelling at jade because he hates himself. im married to john egbert. woo. oh and addie (theyll be mentioned a lot) is my moirail. i type with a comma (,) before i say anything Lily: HI IM LILY!!!!! im 11 so shut the fuck up!!!!!! i can move up ages if i want. i formed in early march i think but i dont remember exactly when. i like cake and cats and jade and i wanna be just like him!! sometimes i draw!!! oh and my birthday is july 20 just like jade!!!!! im gonna be 12 soon!!!!!!!!! jades best friend addie is my mama and luna is my mom and other people are more moms!!L i have a lot of moms!!!!!!! I TYPE WITH A CLOSING PARENTHISIS LIKE THIS ) Jake: hi im jake. im 14. ill be 15 next march 18th, which is the day i formed. i think i have autism and my special interest is dogs. jades best friend addie is my mom too. i like the color purple, slime and rivers. i have 25 dogs. i really dont know what else to say about myself. i use an equal sign before i say stuff (=). im one of the tallest people in the system because im 6'4" tall. Ruby: hey im ruby im jades old imaginary friend. im 17, ill be 18 on halloween. i just kina appeared in here, its cool. i like minecraft and my little pony. idk im kinda just here and i sleep a lot and i use a question mark (?) Grey: hi there im Grey. i dont really do much in here, just play board games with aradia. i can also tell the future somewhat. really only if it pertains to jade. im 15 and i dont have a birthday since i dont really care about it. i type with an underscore (_). im really not that interesting. uhhhhh i got vored once and it wasnt fun. Emily: we really dont know much about her since she sleeps a lot. we do know that shes 20 years old. she only ever wakes up if im highly anxious. we think shes a survial alter if the rest of us are gone shell be there. shes super sweet tho. Becquerel: Hello, I'm Becquerel, yes the dog from Homestuck. I dont really do much except cuddle with those that want it and protect everyone. I have my old powers, so I can teleport our headspace out of technical existence and such. And still fetch bullets hehe. I was pulled out of a successful timeline though I don't think it was the alpha one. I use a carat (^) to type. I was given a collar that allows me to speak. I like it a lot! [you know, like Up] Rose: Hello, I'm Rose Lalonde-Maryam. I tend to not care about capitalization anymore, I have completely given up on it with this damned device. I'm married to and having a child with Kanaya. She and I are both dating the host Jade. I'm the other mother of this system. I also deal with children when the body has to. I and the others are 22 this year. I have vague memories of the game and all that but Jade needs to hurry up and finish the comic so I can remember the rest. I type using the rose emoji (🌹). John: hey! its your local tricky boy john egbert! i got tossed in here from the same timeline as rose and the others. i am just regular old john! i hang out in here and fight if i need to. i married jason a fee months ago. i type with a hammer emoji (🔨) Dave: its ya boi. anyway im the local fucking rap god. fergalicious, my neck my back, and deepthroat are my theme songs. im dating karkat, hes cute as fuck. i man the tunes in here [he plays fergalicious on repeat]. its lit fuckers. anyway i type with the sunglasses emoji (🕶) that doesnt show up on android. peace. Jade: hi im jade!!!! i used to be jadesprite but i was sad soooooo i got changed to normal dog tier me! i come from a tl where i still have bec powers after i finish the game too which is cool!!! i hang out with Bec and garden by the river! i type with a dog emoji before my sentences (🐶)!!! Roxy: heeeeeyyy its rosxy. i give up on soelling snd shit so yeah. i give out food if u ask and i pretend 2 b a wizurd sometimez. its fun in hrre i can fo nothing all fay. obvs i still drink (i give u some if u ask nice). i thpe with a glass (����) n shit. s fun. i dont remember rly anything from my tl. Jane: Hey! I just formed so I dont know or do much in here. I bake for the kids if they ask nicely! I mostly spend my time with Rox. I type with a spoon emoji (🥄) Aradia: Hell0! I've caught up with a l0t of mem0ries and I'm getting m0re with time. I spend my time playing b0ard games with Grey. I'm dating S0llux and Feferi. I have been t0ld that I give nice hugs. I type with my symb0l first (♈️) Tavros: hEY,, ITS UH,,, tAVROS. i SIT IN HERE AND PLAY WITH ALL THE DOGS. iF ANYONE NEEDS ME TO PROTECT THE SYSTEM I DO. i KINDA STAY AWAY FROM VRISKA BUT,,, uH,, sHE SEEMS OK. i DONT REALLY KNOW WHAT TO SAY. i USE MY SYMBOL BEFORE I TYPE (♉️) Sollux: what2 up. the local pun ma2ter ii2 iin bu2iine22 over here. ii 2pend my tiime relaxiing and enjoyiing not haviing anythiing two really do. playiing that fuckiing game take2 a lot out of you. ii protect the 2y2tem iif ii need two. iim datiing aa and ff. ii al2o type wiith my 2ymbol (♊️) Karkat: I DONT KNOW WHAT THE FUCK YOU FUCKERS WANT FROM ME. IM LITERALLY THE FUCKING SAME AS EVERYONE ELSE, RELAXING WITH NOTHING TO ACTUALLY FUCKING DO FOR ONCE. MY GREATEST FUCKING ACCOMPLISHMENT IS EATING 49 PIZZAS WITHOUT PUKING. I PUKED ON THE 50TH. I TYPE WITH MY FUCKING SYMBOL SAME AS EVERYONE ELSE (♋️) Nepeta: :33 < hey! i sit in here and spend looots of time with my meowrail Equius and my rp partner Terezi! its so purrfect to not have all the responsibilities of the game anymore. aaaaand im not dead! i type with my symbol (♌️) but sometimes i furget. 833 wats this Kanaya: Hello Children. I Am Married To Rose Lalonde-Maryam And I Am Dating The Host Jade. I Spend My Time Being Gay And Sleeping. I Unironically Like Vore I Am Not Ashamed To Admit It. I Also Discovered Memes And I Enjoy Them Very Much. Ben Is A Hoe. Bitches Like Yellow. I Type With My Symbol As Well (♍️) Terezi: H3Y. 1 H4T3 TYP1NG ON TH1S SO 1 W1LL M4K3 TH1S SHORT. 4H3M. 1 DONT DO MUCH H3R3 HOST J4D3 1S MY QPP 4ND TH4TS 4BOUT 1T. 1 US3 MY SYMBOL TOO (♎️) Vriska: idk im here for some dum8ass reason. i pro8a8ly wont quirk. im too tired to do anything. jade said i have depression and hes probably right. i spend all my time laying on the floor doing nothing 8ut think about eeeeeeeeverything that went wrong back then. anyway i use my sym8ol to 8e different from everyone else (♏️) Equius: D --> um. i am not sure what i am supposed to say. jason told me to say that i sniff e%haust fumes, which is not a lie. i mostly spend time with nepeta to keep her out of trouble. i am attempting to get over my "obsessiveness with the highb100ds. i use my symbol before speech (♐️) Gamzee: WhAtS uP mOtHeRfUcKeRs YoUr LoCaL cLoWn Is HeRe. I DuNnO I lIkE wEeD aNd HoNkInG oMinOuSlY aT iNcOnVeNiEnT tImEs. I jUsT hAnG oUt WiTh My BrO kArKat. MoThErFuCkInG mIrAcLeS bRo. (♑️) Eridan: i dont understand the point of wwritin all this. i spend my time "sulkin" accordin to everyone else. im just relaxin and thinkin about wwhen i didnt have to remember all the bad shit. i also practice magic behind kanayas back. i used the Aquarius symbol before typin (♒️) Feferi: )(ey! I also really dont do much in here. I spend time wit)( Sollux and Aradia thoug)(! We like to talk about life back before the game. ot)(er than that i dont do muc)(. i use my symbol before i say anything (♓️) Her Imperious Condesension: she doesnt want to talk about herself since she doesnt remember much. she didnt know anything when she first arrived so Lily screamed at her to get her into submission. she wont hurt anyone. she uses (🐠) Jack Noir: he wont write anything because hes an asshole. he doesnt really talk anyway unless hes being fucking rude. he uses (⬛️) before he talks. he just generally hates everyone. Steven: Hi! I'm Steven Quartz Universe! I just showed up one day! I hang around and play with the dogs and the others. I'm 14 and I'll be 15 in two months!! I cant wait to talk!!! I use an upside down exclamation point before talking (¡). It's nice to meet you! Wildfang: she never talks, shes super shy but shes 9 year old me. idk how she got here or why. i think its a stable time loop. Rainbow Dash: yo its rainbow dash! im 16! im from host jades sunset shimmer canon!! i just got here yesterday! im agender so i use they/them pronouns and aro/ace. stay cool bitches. go punch a transphobe or smth idk. i use a rainboy emoji before i talk (wow so creative (🌈)) there are also four clones of my best friend and i think a clone of my datemate that disappeared. so 36 countable people including me.

[roughentumble]

so i finally got to finish white rabbit and it was Bad. its bad film scoob

to get more detailed, and possibly i just wasn’t paying close enough attention to this first point, but, it’s something so basic that it should be pretty clear to the audience unless you’re messing with it on purpose, the timeline is absolutely confusing as heck. how long did harlon and julie know each other? i have NO IDEA. i legit am convinced it was only 2 days. i just can’t.... possibly conceive of it being any other increment of time? but also that still doesn’t make sense to me because things escalate So Damn Quickly. his bully bullied him literally right before summer, then summer ends and he insists he’s Changed and that all that stuff In The Past is something he’s improved about himself now that he’s Matured?????? wHat???? also there’s something very abrupt about the film’s timeline. we see one or two scenes with harlon as a child, then only scenes of him in a very specific summer in a very specific year(i.e. the year that he either violently shoots up his school, or dreams about violently shooting up his school, more on that later tho) which isn’t INHERENTLY bad, but... you didn’t get this... the film is striving to explain how things build up and build up and build up inside a person, why things go so wrong, and why we have school shootings(or at least, ONE explanation why some kids engage in school shootings) but you don’t GET a sense of things being built up. the whole film felt like a bunch of choppy scenes spliced together

and it didn’t really...... harlon’s hallucinations felt like such a small PART of the film, they were SO scattered and didn’t really. i dunno. it just didnt all click together in any coherent or meaningful sense. the whole film is so odd, poorly handled, and disjointed that i’m having trouble writing coherent thoughts about it. 

julie was, altogether, a shallow character who was literally a manic pixie dream girl. she stumbled into his life twice, the first time changing him for the better(in some ways, he does stand up for himself for the first time after kisses him), the second time using her own personal growth that all took place OFF-SCREEN and with barely an explanation thrown out there, TO TRY AND FIX HARLON AGAIN like she’s JUST a catalyst for his own growth that’s all she is, and she’s a shoddy one at that. she doesn’t feel like she belongs in the film at all, she feels like she was in an ENTIRELY DIFFERENT film and somehow managed to step through a door and land in this town somehow. she’s weird, she’s poorly-written imho, she’s distracting, she takes up time that COULD be used to actually give... literally any character any personality at all, even a little

oh yeah, nobody has any... personality. they’re all like these cardboard cutouts, the stereotypical abusive redneck dad, the stereotypical shitty siblings(fun fact! i literally forgot he had siblings, throughout the entire film i just kept forgetting, and i only remember now because a different review mentioned them! fun), the tired and slightly overbearing but ultimately caring mother, the bully, the sniveling friend, the angry shouty parents of the sniveling friend who seem to have no source for their anger they just Are Mad Now, the girl who waltzes into Main Character’s life and shakes things up, the Crazy School Shooter who Hears Voices From His Violent Comic Books! everybody is like every other character ever, and even when shoddy writing starts putting them on a different path, they just head down... that same cliche path anyway, even though it makes no sense for them in context, like the world’s shittiest roller coaster

for example, the school shooting ending had NO buildup. it was last minute, went by real fast, had NO real stressor to speak of, it just... literally didnt make sense. harlon wasn’t an exceedingly angry child, he wasn’t overly-programmed for violence by the way his parents raised him... and yet, just like he’s been locked onto the rails, just cuz he Hears Voices so this Must Be A School Shooter Movie, he just stands there while the tracks take him from point a to point b

also, the entire film felt like nothing more than a grocery list, loosely detailing all of the every reason you ever ever ever hear that anyone ever does A Big Bad Thing, without any real deeper understanding of any of those things. like. it felt so... the entire film felt sterile. everybody was a standee on a track, rolling up to one another and saying in a SIRI-esque voice “HELLO. HERE IS REASON NUMBER 284 WHY I WILL BE SAD LATER. BEEP BOOP DEPLOYING SADNESS” before calmly being carried away by the motor. 

plus the ending is a total cop-out. the beginning of the film includes what is obviously harlon getting ready to shoot up the school, plus some voice-overs that don’t make sense yet, which is fine. sure. plenty of films make use of devices like that. then at the end, when he shoots up the school, it eventually ends on very similar footage from the beginning, with some teeny tiny details changed here and there, but... like, was he thinking about shooting up the school before going in to do it, or was he dreaming it, or did he shoot himself and now he’s in purgatory, forced to revisit his crimes at the hands of his evil bunny overlord...? it was ambiguous in the exact way a film like this should NEVER be ambiguous(or at least, not unless you’re way better than these people at writing >:// )

all of this being said, i do want to make a specific note that i liked the actors. i think they did a great job. i liked watching nick krause(harlon), i liked watching Sam Trammell(the father) struggle to bring nuance to such an awkwardly written role. honestly, sam’s character was easily the most robust one in the film, since he was abusive but he did love his kids and had moments with them where things WEREN’T bad, and moments that made it clear that he was trying, he just didn’t know any better and lived in this environment that stifled any and all change and personal growth, but at the same time he was never excused for his abusive behavior. sam trammell did literally awesome at is and he was quite possibly..... 1.5 whole dimensions. incredible

anyway, back on topic, i believed ryan lee as a bullied child-- did i like the writing for him, or how things were edited? no. but his acting, his tears, his emotions that he brought to the performance were MORE than satisfactory. 

the one i’m most hesitant to speak about is britt robertson(julie). like, on one hand, i just straight up... did not like julie. or rather, i would’ve been fine watching a film about julie, she seems nice and interesting(what lead her to her downward spiral of drugs and alcohol and attempted suicide? was she mentally ill, or were there outside stressors? what did she go through to heal the way she did over just one summer? what about that night was so bad for her that it caused her to go to rehab/a mental hospital? did she decide to on her own, or did her father make her?) but she’s barely touched in the film, barely given any space to feel anything, and so i find her presence, quite frankly, annoying. she should have been bigger or not there at all. but she was there, and she wasn’t bigger, and the writing really did not care about her feelings or motivations in the SLIGHTEST. and there’s only so much you can bring to that, acting-wise! the scene where she nearly dies in the field with harlon, when she’s talking about praying and how she never gets an answer, i BELIEVED the tears in her voice. she sounded visceral and honest. at the middle/end, when she came back and truly wanted to help harlon? the way she acted when the shooting was happening? i mean, i didn’t like the WRITING for her character, but i liked the emotions she managed to put into these scenes

and like. i know i’m skipping back here a bit, but nick krause did Good man. i thoroughly believed at least 97.25% of his emotions. i didn’t understand his motivations, and there were certainly flat and emotionless moments aplenty, but mostly they were born out of poor writing, and not actor shortcomings

the actors were not the problem. i would 100% see a movie just cuz nick krause was in it(if only to see if his acting only looked good in comparison to the script he was handed)

honestly i can’t really sum it up much better than these guys did, ngl

white rabbit was boring and shit and i hated it but im probs gonna give it a thumbs up cuz netflix was created by the devil himself and also i wanna see other films like it so. i suffer

[shrubbot]

@platypioctopi​ tagged me in th

Five Things You’ll Find in my Bag:

mysterious hard candy that i dont remember putting in there/ i never eat. pretty sure my grandma puts it in there to pass on the grandma tradition

sketchbook i promise myself ill use but never do

those brass knuckle things that look like dog ears

o n e    m i l l i o n    p e n s   for the above mentioned sketchbook

my pastel pink super organized wallet that i love more than myself

Five Things You’ll Find in my Bedroom:

i dont have frames but i have a FUCKTON of posters/paintings/tiny little sketches friends and family have made for me that i have hanging from thumbtacks everywhere bc it makes me feel better

an electric guitar and ukelele i told myself id teach myself to play but i never do bc i dont have an attention span

a bunch of books unread for the same reason

my hugeass monster computer which is the only thing in this house worth money. i really gotta upgrade the process and graphics card for it tho

i dont have a closet or big enough dresser so we ??? made this thing ?? on my wall that i can hang clothes from

Five Things I’m Into at the Moment:

mass effect

overwatch but like mostly the robots

i still cherish undertale but people are weird w/ it nowadays

transformers altho im still really behind in the comics aaaa

eyah i dont even know what else to put here ive just been hyperfocusing on mass effect. OH YEAH i like megaman bc its just an adorable good time and the fandoms dead so no one can ruin it for me

Five Things on my To-Do List:

take a look at my motherboard w/o Destroying the place

call for psych appointment

finish commissions

draw some alien ocs

i was thinking abt making a comic for my mass effect stuff so far /?? but that takes a lot of planning

Five Things People Don’t Know About Me:

i dont have a more intense love/hate relationship with anything more than neon genesis evangelion

my favorite robot ever MIGHT just be chibi-robo bc its tiny, it dances, and can wear pajamas at any given time

i was always a robofucker im pretty sure when i was like 8 i had like. an aesthetic crush on metal sonic fdsjnfjkdsnfsfn

ill never forgive anyone for putting the ‘fries in milkshake’ thing as part of the bad food discourse thats the best shit ever and 

im too shy to actually tag anyone but aaaaa ok @telnaga @sucrebear @rosextract @agentreggie @redneckwerewolf @crabrawlr @cyrioci @sunieepo @lopbunnyboy @mosteamybeats 

[kirnet]

get to know me game

tagged by @urlane <3

tagging @baodurs @luptaccos @montliyets @trvelyans @salavidze and anyone else! if you want no pressure!

why did you choose your url?

shes my fave oc and its distinctive enough to give me a unique handle while still feeling like a kotor thing

any side-blogs? if you have them, name them and why you have them.

@kirnetart is my art only sideblog that i kind of use as a portfolio but i dont do anything else with it. eventually there will be stuff on @actiumalpha when i get my shit together and make the damn comic

how long have you been on tumblr?

2013 or 2014?? not sure 

do you have a queue tag?

no. its a guessing game

why did you start your blog in the first place?

i was really into supernatural lol

why did you choose your icon/pfp?

it’s kirnet! with a gun

why did you choose your header?

it’s benny! i felt bad about replacing her with kirnet for my icon so i made her my header

what’s your post with the most notes?

god its probably that old ass tabris family dinner comic i made years ago. its only got a few thousand notes but it looks. awful.

how many followers do you have?

605

how many people do you follow?

573 (i need to clear it out tho)

have you ever made a shitpost?

idk but my actium posting is pretty shitty 

how often do you use tumblr every day?

im on it a lot :( im usually on it when im listening to my class lectures in the background or when im waiting for something to finish cooking. stuff like that

did you have a fight/argument with a blog once?

not really but i was harassed by a bunch of alt right dudes when i first made this account when i was 13 so... yeah.

how do you feel about ‘you need to reblog this post’?

ill do it if the info is relevant and important but otherwise i just ignore it 

do you like tag games?

yeah!! im bad at keeping up with them bc my brain is mush but it’s nice to know that someone thought of you!

do you like ask games?

yeah! especially the oc ones bc it gives me an excuse to spew nonsense more than i already do (i also love the occasional stoja thirst anon)

which of your mutuals do you think is tumblr famous?

i know a few of yall are pretty big but like you’re also my pals. we’re all sitting at the same small dining table eating fruit together

do you have a crush on a mutual?

i am deeply in love with all of you

[cliveboney]

i just want to give an update on that whole upsetting fic debacle since i kept posting abt it, for closure. feel free to skip this as it’s kind of heavy and very personal; i just want to let myself talk it out so i can let it go and move past it

((warning for depression & vague talk of my personal experience w/ it))

so!! i finished it, the whole thing, it was almost 130k words & it was excruciating & it made me completely miserable and i need to never ever do something like that to myself ever again!

i have a problem, a Thing I Do, where if i start watching/reading something, i want to finish it. i will rarely deliberately drop something altogether because no matter how much im not enjoying it i want to see it through, because theres always something i still do like about it, you know? thats why i finished the first season of k-on, even though i hated it (tho im loving s2 actually), and why i watched all 13 episodes of amagi brilliant park, including the special, even though i hated it, and why i stuck it through to the end with comic girls despite its very fucking best efforts to get me to stop watching, and same with darlifra and many other things because i just. wanted to finish the job. there’s a satisfaction in bringing something to a close, so you’re not leaving any loose ends behind. i may not have liked the story, but at least i finished it.

that’s kind of how it was with this fic. i started reading it because one of my coping mechanisms when im feeling really sad or having a bad depression night is to read angst fanfiction kind of as a cathartic release of those negative emotions, it feels good to embrace them and let them wash through me via the opportunity for projection that fanfiction provides. a lot of the times the content of the fics i read are extremely heavy because that’s just what works for me. so when i saw the content warnings on this particular fic, i wasn’t particularly fazed because it was just. stuff i was used to consuming- i mean honestly the content warnings are often the reason i picked the fic in the first place

this one though. uh. it was a lot heavier than im used to, which was becoming rapidly more apparent the further along i got. i mean, it was fine for a couple chapters because it was hitting very close to home in that satisfying kind of way that i needed that night, but after i got over that initial release of emotions it started going downhill, um, a Lot

two chapters was enough to get me invested, but this was a Depression Fic, about depression, with themes centering explicitly around how mental illness destroys lives and friendships, and its aim was to explore these themes in the most realistic way possible. thankfully, it was also about recovery and rekindling lost friendships, and it did ultimately end well, but it was a very long, painful journey. the author did an excellent job conveying these struggles.

it was a very, very hard story for me to read. i wanted to stop, many times, and i fucking should have. it was a very bad time for me to read a story like this- due to a recent surgery, my thyroid levels are very low, leaving me feeling more sluggish than usual and in effect worsening my depression. im taking medication for it, but the medication takes several weeks to kick in and i’ve only been on it for a little over a month now, so i’ve been feeling very low. i shouldn’t have read this fic. i should have stopped after i realized what kind of story it was going to tell, and how it would affect me, and i was only lucky that it ended as well as it did, because the trigger warnings listed above the very last chapter had me so upset that i didn’t know what to do with myself & it was only after i forced myself to read that chapter that i was able to feel better because it turned out that those warnings were extremely misleading out of context and there was a happy ending after all.

putting that much emotional dependence on a story is unhealthy. this fic made me feel like shit, and that’s unhealthy. it took me back and showed me a very dark place that i haven’t been to for years, reintroduced thought processes that i have moved past indulging in for a Good Reason, and made me feel hopeless and sad about my own future despite the recent positive feelings i’d been starting to have. i saw myself in the characters and their struggles. i saw both my past self and the ugly side of my recovering self at the same time. i related to these characters so deeply and integrally that i couldn’t handle the thought of anything but a happy ending, and i don’t know how i would be feeling right now had things gone wrong in the end. that’s unhealthy.

i’m proud of how far i’ve come. i have come a long way since my darkest days. i’ve learned a lot about self love and what it means to take care of yourself. what it means to find meaning in the little things and to keep pushing forward for them. to hold onto the happiness in my life and keep finding more things to be happy about.

this fic felt like a huge step backward, and i knew it was even as i continued to read it. i ignored every voice in my head telling me to stop, to just let this one go. i wanted to see how the story would end. i wanted the emotional satisfaction of seeing everything turn out okay, of conflict resolution and watching characters get back on their feet. it’s okay to want that, but when the journey to get there is so bogged down with these harmful paths, it’s better to just take a different route altogether and leave it behind. it’s a part of my life that i’ve worked so hard to leave behind me; dragging it back in was the wrong thing to do. 

like i said, im lucky everything turned out okay in the end. but im still dealing with the emotional repercussions. it may have ended well, but all the rest of those 125k words of misery still happened. they still brought my mind back to those bad places. i’ll be able to move past this, i know i will, but i only just finished reading it yesterday, so it’s still pretty fresh in my mind. immediately after i finished the last chapter, i went looking for the happiest and most wholesome fics i could find in comparison. a part of what had upset me so much, besides everything else, was the fact that my favorite relationship from the show was broken almost beyond repair in this story, so i found fics with those characters that showed unconditional love and friendship instead, and that helped me feel a lot better immediately. this fic had been one of the first ones i read for this fandom, so i think it was kind of acting as the defining example of this fandom’s fic for me; repairing that mental connection is helping me move on from it, because there are so many other stories to be told and i’d much rather have those define my experience here instead.

so, ultimately, what did i learn?? listen to ur fucking logical brain when it tells u to stop forcing urself to do something that’s hurting you!!!!! sure i would have been worried over that fic for a while, wondering how it all ended, if everything worked out, but i would have gotten over it, replaced it with better things, and i wouldn’t have had to go through the intense emotional labor i did while reading it. if you’re not enjoying something, it’s okay to just drop it!! it’s not as big a deal as it feels like in the moment. remove toxic things from your life, the quicker you can the better. live to better yourself and keep working at your own improvement. forgive yourself for messing up, take a deep breath, and move on. it will pass, and you will have become stronger for it. hold onto that strength and use it to keep moving forward. 

you can do it. 

i am proud of you.