#im not only saying this because my grandma died its also because after her 'funeral' we had a huge sitdown dinner with all our friends here
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the conclusion from these holidays is the cruelty of the world built before me, where the objective emotional core of a person's life - the people they are close to - is not prioritised by the systems we are forced to live in, is instead treated as an afterthought that you have to eke out time for around the TRUE systemic core of needing to get money
#i dont have any ambitions i want to live my life with my family and my friends close by and eat warm meals and help people around me#and this is SPOKEN OF very highly but TREATED like an unimportant trifle that you have to just get over if you want to live a serious life#there should be more weight given to these things. the world should be simpler. there should be more time for emotional cores#im not only saying this because my grandma died its also because after her 'funeral' we had a huge sitdown dinner with all our friends here#''it's so incredibly nice to see you all; it's a shame that this is what brought us together tonight'' said every person there at some poin#our neighbours talked about mariupol; they have to keep living a coherent life here while their home city is demolished - how is that fair?#her parents are in mariupol right now; another family friend's parents are in berdiansk; and these people have to keep earning money here#i think this break in my mind happened when the 2022 war started: How Can I Be Expected To Just Keep On Going When THE WAR Is Going On#how can the upkeep of this overall system be forcibly positioned as more important than people's home or parents or friends#i dont know. i dont want to sound like an anarchist or a wannabe hermit/commune dweller. it just feels wrong and it makes me sad#personal
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HAI OKSO
the basic gist of the story is that bonnie and clyde (the demolition lovers) died in a gunfight together, but bonnie was still alive. since they were heavily wanted criminals clyde was sent straight to hell where he met the devil and the devil told him bonnie was alive and well in the living world. clyde essentially begged the devil for a chance to go back and see her, and the devil agreed but only under the condition that clyde killed a thousand evil men, and then handed him a gun.
ironically, the order of the songs follows the story exactly. helena was written between gee and mikey specifically for their grandma but it also fits for bonnies funeral - when she "died". "like a blade you'll stain" refers to the lives she and clyde affected, as well as her effect on clyde himself. "give 'em hell kid" is referencing the deal he made with the devil, and also "you know what they do to guys like us in prison" the opening line "in the middle of a gunfight" is directly referencing clydes death but also the title is talking about the time clyde and bonnie WOULD have served together if they were seriously caught. instead the police just shot them to death*
more notes because i have too many thoughts to analyze them all in one go. i will tho if u ask me to
to the end is about bonnie and clydes relationship with each other, as well as how they were inseparable and died TOGETHER, even when bonnie could have chosen to not devote herself to a life of crime (although this song is also heavily based on a rose for emily by william faulkner. to stick with the story "send my resignation to the bride and the groom" could be talking about the relationship between the two and how they. died lol. resignation = no wedding. also "carry me to the end" YHEM DYING TOGETHER HELLOOOOO)
its not a fashion statement its a fucking deathwish. i think the lyric "im coming back from the dead and ill take you with me / im taking back the life you stole" says enough - not in reference to bonnie but the police officers that killed clyde**
cemetery drive:
"in that dress your husband hates" this might be a stretch but the real bonnie sexually assaulted clyde - as well as multiple guys in jail, so possibly the dress is referencing a dress she mightve worn when that happened? im not entirely sure
"staring down a loaded gun" gunfight ^__^
the actual song is about a lover that killed herself after a dramatic event she experienced with the protag of the album. since this entire thing is about bonnie and clyde i. dont actually have anything to say about them for this one! some songs dont fit that much, and this is one of them, but i still love it alot
*the fact that clyde has to kill a thousand evil men may be a way to get his revenge against their killers, but also mcrs anarchy theme throughout some songs
**same as above lol
ty ty i love hearing anything and everything about three cheers. i actually forgot about them being bonnie and clyde cause 99% percent of the time i just see them referred to as the demolition lovers and i don’t see ppl refer to them with names
but wait you left out one of my favorite parts where after killing so many men he realizes the final man he has to kill is himself right??
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Personal.
My great grandma had a stroke.
My nan went to visit her and found her. She also hadn’t eaten or taken her meds in a few days. An ambulance was called. I was so scared yesterday that I was gonna get an update from my family there telling me she had passed away. Thankfully after getting to the hospital, with their help she started to improve. Now its the next day and shes improved a lot and is also getting some mobility back. She’s 98 years old so it feels pretty incredible and I’m so relieved shes okay, and getting better.
But I’m also grateful that I know about this at all. Because according to my sister my mum wasn’t going to tell me. Out of some intention of protecting me from it - she didn’t wanna tell me while Im away from home at uni. A few weeks ago there was a funeral for my dads mum - and I didn’t know about it, I didn’t even know that she had died, because my mum had done the same thing of deciding not to tell me bc I’m alone at uni.
I’m always the last person to find out about these things bc of this, and it always really hurts to only find important stuff like this out second hand or well after the fact...My sister pushed my mum to tell me, saying I deserve to know and that I’m always the last person to know. I’m unbelievably grateful she did because it would only have been more upsetting if I only found out about what happened to my great grandma later, especially if she did pass away...
But yeah I just needed to vent about this because even though shes improving now, I was just, so scared and worried last night, and even now that I know shes okay I still keep crying - I guess its not out of my system yet that I thought I was gonna lose my gran.
#personal#dont reblog\ please#family stuff#vent#i know i already talked about this yesterday in discord#and some of the folks there follow me here#i just...i started crying again and just needed to get it out again i guess i#it keeps going around in my head that i almost lost my gran yesterday
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So uh. Im not sure where Im going with this. The endgame is a Lila/Suzi/Rhodey team up to parallel Riri/Pepper/Tony, but. Yeah. Anyway heres 2k of meandering present tense thoughts.
Suzi Endo thrives on information. Getting access to hidden information, analysing and synthesizing it on the go, whether from command or in the field—that was her superpower, her occasional use of her superpowered suit of armor notwithstanding.
Accumulating information is accumulating power, so that’s what she does. She keeps backups of everything, details and reports meticulously filed away and stored for later use. She keeps the universe she once beheld in her hands in her secure servers.
The first time Rhodey died, she transferred his consciousness from his old patchwork body to his brand-new one. But she also kept a backup, because that’s what she does.
For years and years the file gathered dust, a complete snapshot of who Rhodey was at his lowest. She forgets that she has it for a long time; or, well, not forgets, but it certainly wasn’t in the forefront of her mind. She hasn’t even talked to the actual man in so long.
And then she turns on the television one day and sees War Machine go down, sees Captain Marvel scream, sees the empty tributes of the media, and she is violently reminded of the information (the power) she holds.
At first she figures that apparent king of being not actually dead Tony Stark, who had only months before suddenly turned back up after the entire world believing he was dead, would help Rhodey cheat death this time; after all, he already has before. She knew that Tony would probably do everything in his power to make this one not permanent, and if anybody could do it, it’s him. (At the back of her brain, though, she explores plans and possibilities, telling herself that they were just hypotheticals. She could upload her backup to an LMD. She could probably even grow a new organic body for him like Tony did; while she didn’t have Jim’s DNA sequence, it was probably on Stark servers somewhere. Getting it wouldn’t be easy, but she was Cybermancer. Or she can just leave the consciousness without a physical body: an AI, essentially, except not artificial at all.)
And then he gets decommissioned on national television, after a long few weeks of tension with Captain Marvel.
All of it reminds her of why exactly she left the business so long ago. Not that being a tech personality and private military consultant was any less stressful, but it tended to be less drama as long as she keeps out of superheroes’ ways. She still remembers meeting alternate her, taming an ancient robot, feeling the entire universe compressed in her brain. As much as she wanted to help people, all of that did not make for a sustainable life. So she cuts them all off, burying all those ties in her past. Her tech helps people too, she tells herself, if indirectly.
Tonys death jolts her, though. Suddenly all the plans she had told herself she was not making all become very real.
She thinks of calling Jake, or Parnell, or Beth, or maybe all of them. Get Team War Machine back together; have drinks, maybe. Remember their fallen friend. (She watched the national telecast of the funeral from her office; none of them attended.)
In the end, it’s Glenda Sandoval she calls. She figures she was the only one who’d understand that cold metallic taste of almost when it comes to Jim.
Suzi takes a week of leave, leaving projects and contracts hanging, and flies to Philadelphia.
They meet one weekend mid-morning in a big chain coffee shop in downtown Philadelphia, just across the hospital where Glenda worked.
They greet each other with a hug like old friends, and Suzi asks after Parnell, but they are quick to run out of small talk. Rhodey--Jim--was the only thing they ever really had in common. Maybe she should have called Beth instead.
“You weren’t at the funeral,” Suzi finally brings up.
“No. Neither were you.”
Suzi tilts her head to the side in agreement, and brings her coffee to her lips as she muses on what next to say. She should tell her about the backups; if she was being honest, that’s the reason she wanted to meet up, anyway.
“That wasn’t really him at all, though, was it?” Glenda says.
Suzi takes a too-big sip in surprise. The coffee leaves a stinging line down her throat that she’s sure she’ll feel later.
Glenda raises her eyebrows in concern, but continues. ���His mother told me about it. Jim, the real one—he died back then. The one they buried was just his clone. They had the same memories, sure, but those weren’t the fists that saved me from my bullies, or the hands that helped me up, or even the cyborg we fought alongside in Santo Marco. No, I’ve done my mourning for Jim long ago.”
Suzi knows she’s staring, but she can’t help it. She cannot fathom the reasoning in Glenda’s head. The information that made up the Jim Glenda knew—the memories, the DNA, everything from the map of his neurons to the color of his eyes—was the exact same information that made up the Rhodey who died. Thinking of them as two different people was just plain wrong.
But something tells her that she wouldn’t be able to convince Glenda of that. And that she shouldn’t, not when Glenda has already put Jim in her past. So, instead, she asks, “Can you give me Roberta’s number?”
Glenda eyes her distrustfully, probably knowing that Suzi is completely capable of getting it through other means, but still she takes a pen out of her pocket and copies a number from her phone onto a paper napkin. “I haven’t talked to her in a long time, so I don’t know if this is still accurate, but here’s what I have.”
“Thank you.”
Glenda watches her carefully fold the napkin and put it in her pocket. She checks her phone for lack of anything better to do, and then clears her throat. “Well, I have to get back to the hospital now. My break is ending soon.” She starts gathering her things and stands up. “It was good seeing you again.”
The statement is not as empty as Suzi expected. “Yeah”, she says, “it was.” She stands up and gives Glenda a hug that was marginally less awkward than their hello hug, and she knows that this is probably the last time their paths will cross.
Suzi sits at the coffeeshop, staring at the holographic screens projected in front of her. Outside, the sun is already at its highest point in the sky, and its reflection from the hospital windows is enough that she has to set them on maximum brightness. She could feel herself being watched by the other coffeeshop patrons, but she ignores them.
She drafts and redrafts an email, each one sounding worse than the last. Dear Mrs. Rhodes, I am writing to inform you that--. No. Dear Mrs. Rhodes, I heard about the--. No.
Dear Mrs. Rhodes, I was a colleague of your son. I could also bring him back to life. Would you want me to?
Her fingers hang in the air, hovering over SEND. It was wrong. She can’t even imagine what she would do if she received something like that. She deletes the draft. This is something she had to do in person.
She called the number Glenda gave her, half hoping that it wouldn’t work, but it goes through. Mrs. Rhodes still remembered her from that time all those years ago, which was surprising, but did simplify things. She said she had something to talk about in person, and Mrs. Rhodes (call me Roberta) invited her over for dinner at the Rhodes residence, which is now where she finds herself.
Entering the house felt like intruding on a part of Rhodey’s life that she was never a part of. She had known him as a superhero, as a soldier, as a fellow engineer. She didn’t know what to do with the childhood photos on the walls, or the flowers from loved ones and admirers that still littered the house.
Suzi thought she was prepared for the conversation. In the five hours between the call and getting to their house, she rehearsed all the different scenarios she can think up in her head. She hadn’t expected to be sitting across Rhodey’s niece (Hi, I’m Lila!) at the dinner table, though.
She didn’t even know Rhodey had a niece.
“So, Suzi, you said you wanted to tell us something?” Roberta asked, setting her fork down for a moment.
It feels cruel, now, to bring it up. Maybe she should just play it off, make some empty statement about how great a man Rhodey was. It would make her look callous, but the alternative was also pretty callous anyway.
But that wasn’t her call to make, and they deserved to know.
“I—”
Like peeling off a band-aid, Endo.
“I might have a way to bring Jim back.”
Suzi studiously ignores their gaze in favor of staring at her food. She has to resist the urge to play with it.
“When we transferred his consciousness to the new body, well. I kept back-ups. And, it’s not going to be exactly the same, it’s going to be like him losing, what, five years? But.” Suzi hazards a look up, and she takes in Robertas ashen face and Lilas confused and slightly intrigued one. That makes her lose her train of thought. She can’t help but feel like she’s made a huge mistake. And really, she has, in not deleting her copy a long time ago.
“Whatever you decide, I want you to have the file. And I’ll delete it from my servers, so you’ll have the only copy.”
The silence drags on, and Suzi braces herself for Roberta throwing her out in a fit of rage. What right did she have, after all, to burst into their lives after weeks of their moving on, to offer them a second chance with too many catches?
She never should have kept those files.
“Grandma?” Lila wraps her hand around Roberta’s, which was clutching her fork a little too tightly.
When Roberta speaks, it’s strained. “He rebounded from that whole thing really fast, you know. I’m pretty sure he just pretended it didn’t happen. And it seemed to work. But I don’t know if—I don’t think that—”
Her words trail off, and Suzi wishes for the ability to disappear into thin air.
She takes a couple more bites and then she can’t take it anymore. She sets down her utensils on her half-eaten plate of pasta that she was sorry to be leaving. “Well,” she says, “I’ll, um. I have to go. Take your time to decide and talk it over. You have my number.”
Roberta just nods dumbly. Suzi sees herself out.
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