#im not fucking racist and defending myself on that front against people that dont know me is a waste of time

[missbaphomet]

Thank you for letting me rant at you @zavala-swallows ily wawee

[tryingtolivethroughtheday]

(to make the story clearer, for the last eight days and for the remainibg six me and my family -single parent- are staying in a block of furnished apartments for rental near the coast- we are visiting some relatives but not staying in their house). so, the appartement next to ours was empty, and a new family came in today. I'd just got out from the shower, when my mom comes in my bedroom and says 'I really do not undrestand' and murmuring to herself. so i, a by nature curious being that never expects the worst from people, ask her what's wrong. and then BOI did i have the biggest surprise-disappointment of my life. she says (smirking like fuck you honestly) 'Oh, it' s nothing. I just cannot understand whether that... thing from the people next door is a boy or a girl' REFERING TO THEIR FUCKING CHILD.

I went completely silent. I wanted to cry, laugh at her ridiculousness and at the same time i became increasingly angrier. like, u know, i felt a pressure building up from my stomach, going up to my lungs, taking over my throat and i wanted to yell at her. because, when i hear those things feom my grandpa, i dont mind it so much, since he's old and he'll be dead soon (i dont like to think about it but it's the truth and, no matter how ugly it sounds, it's a soothing thought when it comes to topics like this), and i discovered that my dad isn't quite fond of any kind of queerness himself long before I realised im pansexual and genderqueer. but my mum... although i should have expected it, to be honest, it hurt at the moment -a lot- and it still does thinking about it right now, a couple hours later.

So, after my extended silence, i think to myself 'NOW OR NEVER. U R QUEER UR PROUD AND U WON'T LET THIS BULLSHIT HAPPEN RIGHT IN FRONT OF UR SALAD' aaaand i answer her: 'uhh what do you even mean? why would you say something like that?! it' s really none of your buisness how anyone expresses their gender' (my voice got increasingly louder and more shrill but i didn't mind, cuz it felt so liberating to stand up against her about this!!!!!!)

and fuckin woman looks at me weid and then starts chuckling (idk if anyone feels me, but this whole thing hurt) and says 'Nooo no you misunderstooooooood! you perceived something different that what i was trying to saaaayyy! look, why don' t you go give it a look yourself, maybe you'll be able to figure it out!' and left the room

o m g . this is so wrong. her WHOLE sentence was so wrong. like, first of all I MISUNDERSTOOD?!?!?! whAT. tell me HOW i misunderstood, when you literally said that the way a teenager expresses their gender identity is something laughable, a fucking riddle for solving??????? and plus, as i said, I T I S N O N E O F Y O U R B U I SN ES S

and the 'give it a look yourself' part got me FUMING. like, i didn't ever understand how racist people see those whom they discriminate against as objects/lower beings and not humans. but to see it live. man. awful.

like, i remember myself having violent verbal outbursts defending gay and lesbian people to her since elementery school. fortunately it doesn't have to happen anymore or at least i dont need to get violent cuz one time about three years (or more? not sure) ago, i got so mad at one of her comments (judging the competence of a coworker by the fact that to HER he 'acted like a faggot') that i made my most dramatic outburst, referencing the concentration camps and how she should send them all in there and have them executed. shut her up veeeeeerrrry pretty.

but it had never come down to transphobia as well. and, im saying transphobia bc the kid could be a trans boy, a trans girl, a nonbinary person, a trans enby, but she didn't know. and she decided to make fun of them. and it means even more to me now than ever, bcuz i am kinda struggling with gender identity & gender expression. have been for a while. and to know that this is the reaction and treatment i should expect by my own mother is... something.

anyway. she left to go to the market and i got to meet our neighbour. she (learned name&pronouns) is the same age as me, follows the SAME SCIENTIFIC FIELD at school, is interested in psychology aaaand we exchanged instas to arrenge study & sea dates:) -platonic dates; we didn't have the chance to talk about sexualities yet and tbh idk if she'd like mz- and SHE IS PRETTY LIKE SHE HAS SHORT AFRO HAIR AND DELICATE HANDS ok ill stop. OK SHE APPARENTLY WEARS BASKETBALL JERSEYS I CANNOT-

after my adored mother returned i made her uncomfortable by telling her that i met the girl and also that i couldn't understand why she was so rude and judgemental- she yelled an 'ANYWAY' and asked me to pass her the fruit from the bags skskskskskskksksksksks REVENGE

that's it for today's rant! stay tuned for more original, lengthy, tiring, uninteresting updates from my sad life!!!!!!!!! :')