#im not even sleep deprived im just. Empty. Numb. whatever.

[catkin-morgs-kookaburralover]

one of the things ive been enjoying recently is allowing myself to focus on the obsessions - like going through a patch where i listened exclusively to abba, then it switched to carpenters, and reading about them and stuff. rather than trying to be moderate to a degree, and listen to other music when i really wanted to listen to these things, i was allowing myself to listen to them.

but it's like... i've stopped caring. about anything. i'm listening to carpenters right now, the 250-song playlist i made by listening through their entire discography and adding the songs i liked. it's very pleasant, but it's... not making me happy, i don't know. i'm just ambivalent. who the hell cares. about anything.

[madfantasy]

I haven't seen you post in a while, I hope you've been doing okay? How is everything? Hope it's been a good year so far for you 💕💕

You're too kind, u & everyone who made inquiries, bless ur hearts.. im sorry for disappearing, but yeah, I don't have net— using my phone credit and hope this posts..

I tried to record my voice answering this, like I sometimes did on tik, suddenly ended up trying to muffle the floods of my burning tears, so now I have an awkward vid of me talking then weeping out of nowhere, which a good reason for me to keep up the no cry habit, heh.. but seriously, I suppose I'm fine till I be conscious of it.. its much easier for not to talk .. even tho I'm aching to be back in thy company, lonely in my foresight to catch on to the present that joins us, hand held out to reach like minded souls but shying from the fear of forgetfulness occurring..

I'm fine tho, did few new stuff, merely drowning in too muchness and nothingness as usual, this month I guess you could say I took an act of mad fury in search of any happy source because the echoing silence and the swarm of sadness nipping on my brain cells thickened, and the reasoning merged with the obscene. So instead of giving my guardians the usual of 3/4 of my earnings last month for net and groceries, I spent it all. Ya know, as it was told to me it mine to do as I please? As being prevented any chance of work if it was possible, 't was supposed to be spent on art supplies & measly delights craved for years ?

Before hand, I've been begging them to take me for months to get any clothing or whatever, be it the first time I ever see a shop, then just to drive around, then just me peaking to the outside when the front door is open, merely seeking change I suppose. They kept vaguely promising me until they refused point blank— getting tired of my nagging, then their car just stopped working till this day. Its in the workshop rn..

Anyway, befouled by despair, needing the mere basics of life and not granted, I was delighted when i found a site to buy from cheap & pretty, I pressed buy without any further considerations, or taking their permission and thrilled to be able get gifts for my siblings too. I say gifts but really they are deprived necessities too and not even much just one each cuz well, they are 5 of my babies and to start with the top of priorities; we all draw

I could already see it, they can't help themselves; heck seeped through the clenched gates of their mouths, trying desperately to poison me with undirect attempts this time, cuz I bought for my sibs they're out of the option of calling me selfish. I was upping the same trance like state of vague existence dealing with them, absorbing their insults and degrading just to make sure my shi arrives safe.

Unfortunate for me, the site chose the worst carrier in this country

I did everything in my power to make it into their convenience, by embarrassingly messaging the carrier daily, they took a week of promising to deliver and flanking so my guardians reached a heated level of threatening, waving their hands nd almost tossing shi at mE saying that they don't care if they came and if i dared to order something again they'll do this and that. Not allowing me to open the door for the delivery guy when he comes, blaming me for missing vaccination dates (they kept missing them even before)& missing going to important places(again, they just didn't go to for ages), made them loose sleep, etc etc— in turn, I seen red and regretfully blew up.

I screamed at them its literally the only time I ever did this, it BECAUSE it easier on them & I'll do what I want whatever anyway, & to stop interrupting me while I try to explain things , then they suddnly back done and be like I'm not mad at u I'm mad at the delivery ppl, that they are proud of me for being able to do all this, and such sort. I left them to cool in my room, Idk how I did it but must have slam-gripped something so hard it chipped most of my short nails & cracked one, was glad I didn't hurt my drawing hand but yeah, goofy mani

They robbed me of the joy of anticipation & the dissipation of apathy, I started to lose sleep again and my liberating dreams left me and I don't think I remember leaving bed.

But still, If not force myself to do things.. there'll be nothing for me if I don't.. at least I know im able of that

I got my guardians happy tho after another tiresome refusal, by trying out one of those Uber-eat like local apps here, since they have no car and being disabled & ill, I ordered McDonald's for the first time. Slythry behind their backs per habit, told them someone coming and they had that look again, but thankfully the guy came through and didn't steal my money, heh. For a big 1800 calories meal I suppose it was passable, the happy fam faces I got was the real treat..

Oh with that thing with the credit card stating I owe them money, waited weeks & nobody got back to us? They started taking from my guardian's account directly to pay it, saying oh we did send you warnings--- TO THE SHADOWY LINES OF THEIR POSTERIOR A.K.A NOWHERE. Thankfully the account is mostly empty nd just for random transactions, i alerted my guardians not to use it. And again, my god, another round of endless calls and promises started, and we wait again so they just don't act as if we owe them a frking 17k dollars that we don't have.. was panicking cuz I have nothing and but my guardians were weirdly comforting about it and told me not to worry

One thing good bout no net is it made me stop thinking about life in general, and stop the tiny unnoticeable prick of misery when I have no input to share, trying not to helplessly compare people just living, in inflated style or not, in media, to my isolated-most-of-my-life style and missing much of that organic "life experiences and chances", heh. At least, my situation would be favorable to me if it was ever possible for it to let me have peace, or have the simple knowledge I'm not virtually imprisoned and have never familiarised with nothing of this world but the surrounding walls.. its nice to have more time to be consumed by muse and day dreaming that flutters life through my dull being and sing chorus of inspiring means for art to flow and finds its way delicately onto my realised canvas.. but no, I continued drawing whilst sight blurred with salty droplets contradicting that happy tintin dance on tiktok I worked so long on just cuz I couldn't stop, not the tears or the mad scribbles of determined intention to visualise the mourned excitement I need, hating everything I make

Somehow the lilac dream still intrudes, visualising me friends, living, in a quaint home, maybe we roommate, arm in arm we go to make every fracture of fate's encounters a disgusting adventurous thrill, like building a maze of cardboard or chasing each other in the dark.. maybe getting that half bleached head and endless ear pericings ... then it dies and I totally forget it..

But what those awesome headphones helped me do, literally blocks all their voices listening to Sev losing it and I can Waltz around not feeling gutted to go and interfere or play the referee each time. But I can't wear them forever, gives me a bad headache, and honestly; I can't be too neglectful.. my sibs hates me for it already hehe

At least these clothing came true to their measurements, felt the new sensations on how everything I wore hugs me & learnt the baffling ways on how "gender" and region plays different tunes on the same measurements. Getting fitting things felt like suddenly there's hope to be, for myself to be me, and ease this severe disassociation between who I am, and what my body is .. from how little I see myself nd consider it worthy of anything because of how long it been living like a phantom among people.. to numb this dysphoria until it be gone one day

Saddened that the only site I can't order from again if they keep using that awful carrier

...

I missed our country's 91 national day, too. They made sales everything 91 riyal so.. but knowing the sellers here, I don't think most of em went true with their offers.. Horrible news tho on the celebrations, sigh

I turned this into a dear diary, guess bothered you enough today, sorry

So thankful to yous, Idk if I can be back, but I'll remain creating, and will keep the thought alive of being tickled when sharing my creations with your viewing pleasure somehow

'till then my precious dears, take care 💛🙏

26.9.2021, 8 pm, sleeping

[hookedonapirate]

The Way She Makes Him Feel It

Summary: She wants to break up every night, then tries to fuck him back to life.

A/N: I really have no excuse for this, it’s just something that came from listening to the song Break Up Every Night by the Chainsmokers. I rated this mature but the smut is referenced and not detailed at all, this is mostly an angsty little thing I wanted to write.

Happy New Years everyone! 

Rated: M

Word Count: 1830

AO3 I FF.N

She wants to break up every night, then tries to fuck him back to life.

And she succeeds every time.

To think, his life used to be so simple… before she came in like a whirlwind and turned his world upside down.

They’d met at a bar, sparks flew between them immediately and what had started as a one night stand had quickly spiraled into something more. Or so it did.

Now she flees every chance she gets.

Maybe it’s his fault for putting too much pressure on her to start a relationship when he knows she’s had a rocky history in the dating department. She’s had a boyfriend who’d cheated and one who died, another who did both. So she’s too scared to risk giving away her heart again and wanted to keep things between them casual. He can’t help the way his heart has grown fond of her though. She’s so fierce and full of life, she's a firecracker in bed and so insatiable. Being with her is like going to France one time and becoming Parisian.

He can’t seem to stay away.

Nor can he resist her when she comes knocking on his door wanting to get back together again. Even though his older brother is constantly insisting against it, telling him not to fall for her games or her prowess.

Each time she breaks up with him, they go through the same ole song and dance.

“I need some time to think, I need some space,” is what she tells him as she’s leaving.

She changes her mind every night like the seasons, not knowing exactly what she wants. Meanwhile, he's at home, drowning in misery and loneliness from the emptiness she’s left in her wake. He checks his phone every second to see if she’s called or texted, then checks his pulse to make sure his heart's still beating because he feels lifeless without her, like he’s drowning.

So when she shows up on his doormat the very next day and says she wants him now, he sees the sorrow and apology in her eyes and can’t help but take her back. When she lunges forward, crushing his mouth with hers, pushing him back inside the apartment and slamming the door shut, he can’t help but let her use him to her heart's desire. When she presses him against it, kissing him breathlessly until he’s deprived of all oxygen, he can’t help but come to life again. And when she unbuttons his shirt, runs her fingers through his chest hair and pushes him on any available surface close by and rides him good and hard, until their bodies are crumbling and shaking and sweating and breathless, and after she’s made him come, milking him for everything he’s worth, he can’t help but like the way she makes him feel it.

In the morning they’re satisfied and sated and that’s when they start getting close again. They build the bridge up again, and that’s when she gets scared and takes off, burning the bridge down once more as she goes. And that’s when his heart stops again.

She wants to break up every night, then tries to fuck him back to life.

It’s the same rollercoaster ride over and over again. It’s like being at an amusement park and buying a ticket for one good ride, only the ride keeps stopping before it gets to the really good part and he has to keep starting from the beginning.

That’s what their relationship is like.

But he kind of loves it.

He loves the power she has over him. He loves it because he knows she feels as he does. And he can’t wait until she finally decides to realize it. She can’t stay away from him just like he can’t stay away from her. So she keeps coming back before she can feel the pain rising in her chest. She comes back hoping for a different result, hoping she won’t feel as strongly for him. But it’s always the same.

She gives him the runaround and leaves him wondering who he’s with now. She’s got seven personalities and everyone of them’s a tragedy.

But the thing is he loves each and every one of them.

So when she breaks up with him for the millionth time and doesn’t show up at his door the next day, his whole body aches. He remains hopeful, but when she doesn’t show up the next day or the one after that, he feels numb. He wants to give her the space she needs, but he also can’t live without her.

So he waits.

Still, she doesn’t come.

A week goes by and he hasn’t heard a word from her, so he goes to her place, but she’s not there. He tries calling her and texting her everyday, but there’s no reply.

It’s not until three months pass when there’s a knock on his door at seven in the morning. And he knows it’s her. He recognizes her knock because it’s soft and tentative, like a child’s knock.  

He doesn’t hesitate to stride across the room in his plaid pajama pants, his hair wrecked as he rubs the sleep from his eyes. He takes a deep, shaky breath and with unsteady fingers, he turns the knob and pulls the door open.

Normally a smile would take over his lips upon seeing her breathtaking beauty—she may even look more beautiful than she did when he’d first met her—but when there are a million tears streaming down her face, his heart constricts in pain.

“I’m so sorry,” she mumbles through her sobs, and he can hear his brother’s voice in his ear telling him not to let her take him down again like every other time, but Killian’s unable to shut his feelings off for her. Even after three months and the numbness that had taken over him, everything he feels for her comes rushing back to the surface.

“Emma…” he starts to say, but she shakes her head to stop him.

“I don’t expect you to forgive me, but…” she chokes out another cry, “I had to feel pain again.”

Cocking a brow, he’s not sure what she means. ”What pain?”

“The pain that I felt every time I wasn’t with you. I’ve been numb for so long, I had to learn to feel again.”

Her words tear him apart. He swallows the lump in his throat, needing to know exactly why she’d needed to feel pain again. “And do you?”

Emma manages a strangled laugh, tears still falling down her cheeks. “Yes, I kept running away because I was afraid where things between us were going, and I would always come back because my heart would hurt…” the words stutter in her throat and she pauses and takes a breath, a soft smile forming on her lips. “My heart hurts when I’m not with you.”

“So you left to feel pain?” he asks in confusion, but it’s very early in the morning, so his brain is still foggy with sleep.

Emma nods. “Yes, I needed to feel the pain again so I could find out the truth, and so I could stand here and tell you to your face…”

“Tell me what?”

“That I… I love you, Killian Jones, and I don’t ever want to leave again.”

A big grin stretches across his lips, heart soaring to life again. “I love you too.” He steps forward, but to his dismay she puts a hand on his chest to stop him, her facial features growing more serious again.

“Wait, there’s something you should know before you decide to take me back.”

“You’ve never left, love,” he confesses, his words completely shattered as he raises hand to her cheek, his thumb wiping away her tears. “At least not from my heart.”

Another smile spreads across her lips as she sees the truth in his eyes. “But I have to tell you the reason why I had to make sure my feelings for you were real. I have to tell you why I didn’t come back the next night.”

“Why’s that?” Not that it matters, he’s in this for the long haul, whatever her reasons are.

Emma doesn’t speak right away, her emerald greens shining with the evidence of her love for him. She reaches her hand out, taking his and pulling their joined hands towards her abdomen. Lifting her sweater, she places his hand on her belly.

Killian‘s breath catches when he feels the roundness at his touch, his eyes glowing with wonderment.

“I’m pregnant, Killian. Sixteen weeks. And when I found out, I was more afraid than I’ve ever been in my life. I even,” her words crack as she continues, “I even considered giving the baby up, but I knew I couldn’t. I couldn’t let go of something—someone—we created together. So I needed to make sure my feelings for you were real. I needed to know I couldn’t live without you, pregnant or not.”

Killian has no words at first. His eyes widen and he looks down trying to process everything, his hand tightening around the life growing inside her. After those three months, he’d thought he’d lost her. He’d thought she hadn't wanted him anymore. Turns out he couldn't have been further from the truth. He should have never given up on her for one bloody second. “I’m going to be a father?” he finally musters, his words completely shattered.

“Yes, you are, if you want to be that is,” she says swallowing thickly. “I’m sorry it took me being pregnant to realize that I love you, and I can understand if you want me to leave and never come back.”

His eyes darken at the thought, but he quickly banishes it from his mind as he kneels down and plants a warm, loving kiss on her protruding belly. Still holding her hand, he caresses her delicate stomach with his other fingers, appreciating the feel of her skin finally on his lips and underneath his fingertips again and the way her scent permeates his senses. He’s so relieved to have her back and carrying his child, words can’t even express how he feels. So he rises and takes her into his arms, kissing her deep and fierce, expressing everything he feels for her in a breathless, heady kiss. And when they come up for air again, his heart thumping wildly, he touches her forehead with his to keep the world from spinning around him, a soft whisper pouring from his lips. “I never want you to leave again.”

She sighs in relief, a big smile blooming across her lips “Good.”

It’s not until she’d arrived on his doormat that morning, bearing his unborn child and promising to never to leave again when she brings him back to life again. Only this time it’s permanent. This time, the bridge they build that day never gets burned down ever again.