#im not even good at responding to people verbally in normal situations !!!!!

[domreader-headcannon-scenarios]

This might seem like a pretty out of the blue question but, how do you feel about characters that, due to trauma or a bad past, act very aggressive and/or distant to hide their fear of being hurt again?

I'm asking because, in addition to characters from series like Black Butler (Ciel), Vanitas no Carte (Vanitas) and TWST, a lot of people tend to ignore their pain just to focus on how bad of a person they are/were.

I was reading a Chinese manhua I borrowed from my friend at her place, and the main female is a girl who acts aggressive and has a short temper but it turns out that she's trapped in an unhealthy and abusive relationship with a man who's obsessed with trying to bring back his dead wife. Why is it abusive? The man makes her wear a pendant that he monitors her with, uses emotional and psychological abuse and manipulation, gaslighting, threats of r*pe and murder to control the girl's life and keep her as his bodyguard for fuck knows how long. All the while, he sleeps with and steals the souls of several people, convinced that his wife would forgive him for his infidelity (?) and cruelty.

According to my friend, a lot of people who read the manhua dislike the girl because, aside from her temper and bluntness, she slapped the main protagonist for trying to help her (he said "I'm here to help you. Stop acting like this." which triggered some bad memories. He meant no harm, mind you.) even after learning of her relationship with the man, saying stuff like "She's a powerful mage, isn't she? She'll be fine." or "She shouldn't have slapped him. This is her karma for acting bitchy."

So as someone with severe trauma and a lot of fucking issues, there is SO MUCH to unpack here if I get into detail so lemme put this here

Ok, so I don’t mean this to offend/upset anyone, and let me say, everyone responds to trauma differently, the brain isn’t programmed to handle lifelong trauma which can lead to acting out or doing odd things as trauma affects the mental state of an individual

Trauma actually is proven to mentally age children people far faster as it forces them to ‘grow’ faster (ex: Ciel, Jamil, Riddle) which can have a huge impact on their life (almost never good)

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If you act aggressive as an adult and hurt people, it doesn’t matter the trauma, you don’t have an excuse to hurt others physically or mentally, you are an adult, how you acts is on YOU. I’m told I’m overly nice (especially for someon whose literally died briefly and was physically/mentally abused for my entire child hood)

In childhood acting out with violence is common especially when uncomfortable or scared is normal and expected as they have no controlling their emotions.

Adults are different, irl im distant for dozens of reasons but I don’t take it out on people, and yes I’ve verbally gotten aggressive when accidentally (or intentionally) triggered by someone but I have a brain so I know to fucking apologize since trauma doesn’t excuse such inappropriate behavior.

For instance, I have trauma that some of characters above have, and less than others but I HATE seeing people use it to excuse shitty behavior (Twst is a HUGE example of this)

People react differently to trauma, that’s normal but once your an adult, do know you are responsible for your own decisions, for what YOU do. For instance, that woman from a manhua (idk what that is/ hadn’t read) has no right to physically slap another individual (especially one openigly stating they are tryna help) she could have fucking said ‘no’ or ‘go away’ or WALKED AWAY. Honestly she’s just making me dislike her based on that (like what was the trigger? I obviously don’t know the situation but it just seems like she wanted to take out frustrations on him)

I’ve been r*ped, beaten/abused, neglected, etc. for 23 YEARS NOW (OBVIOUSLY NOT FIR EVERY SECOND BUT STILL). How many people have I hit because of it? 0 (minus the ‘trigger’ I had while I was defending myself once but it did nothing, actually made things worse) how many people have I yelled at? A fuck ton. How many did I apologize to? Almost all of them.

I don’t give a shit when you yell at people in an argument but know this, you’re trauma doesn’t excuse what you say and due, it’s a fucking burden you’re stuck with , that has no upside. Yelling/attacking people is turning you into the monster and making others miserable and guess fucking what? OTHER PEOPLE CAN HAVE TRAUMA. What if you just fucking lashed out at someone more broken than you? You feel good now?

Lashing out isn’t a good option, she didn’t deserve what happened to her, but she has no excuse for harming the hero AT ALL, trauma isn’t an excuse to attack others to help yourself, yes when scared you want to fight but, APOLOGIZE... What, did she think hurting him would stop everyone who will and has ever existed from asking her the same thing? What if that hero has trauma and had a breakdown? Is that still ‘ok’ for her to do? No not unless it’s her abuser.

Like with that girl, aside from being resurrected and a husband, I’ve been through all the trauma she has since I was a young child (actually a lil more since there’s a LOT I’ve been through she hasn’t but I’m younger). And I’ve felt with it, so many time since then and I have breakdown often. I’ve had people who remind me of my abusive father whose almost killed me more times than I can count and I have literally permanent injuries from.

It’s ok to hurt but it’s not ok to hurt others(without concent), I know I sound like a broken record but it’s important to remember to an extent you can control your trauma, get therapy or have someone you trust who you can talk to about your feels.

Basically it’s ‘an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth’ that will cause more issues and fix nothing

If someone slapped me for ASKING if they were ok, I’d fucking panic and cry, running the fuck away and avoid that person till I fucking die. Like. You hurt me for asking if you were ok. That’s not ok under any circumstances what the fuck? I’d rather die in a ditch than talk to you…at least the ditch won’t hurt me.

It’s just, so BAD to hurt someone over a circumstance like that, unless he racked her to the ground or smn that physical violence is uncalled for completely.

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[sunnetrolls]

vcs arent enough i need 2 meet my friends in person

[red-doll-face]

Here is a request for slashers if they're open. My brain does a thing where I am affectionate w a person but if I get nudged away (even if it's just to readjust the position), it goes "oh no. They don't want u to touch them. Do not touch ever again or they will get mad at u. U disgust them." Even tho touch is my love language & it hurts, I just won't touch. If confronted, I will get confused & panicky cuz "u didn't want me to touch? Im respecting ur wishes? Did I miss something?" Its a mess.

Requests are indeed open, I’m sorry I take foreverrr to do these but i hope u enjoy! I don’t know what to call this tho. For simplicity’s sake I’m calling this nervous reader lmao, idk what else to call these.

Slashers x gn nervous Reader

Jason Voorhees:

Jason can very much relate to the feeling. When he first meets you, he’s sure that you’re frightened. He restrains from being too close to avoid coming off as overbearing, doesn't want to touch you because if you flinch he’ll be so hurt. He just assumes he disgusts you. Based on the reaction all of his other victims have when they see him, he’s sure you’ll probably be the same.

Once Jason is sure that you don't feel that way, he’s a cuddle monster. He wants to be close all of the time, holding hands, letting you sit in his lap, you name it. He’s so starved and quickly decides that touch is his love language too. He’s not even sure how he’s lived this long without it.

The only time I can see Jason maybe gently sort of setting you down elsewhere and walking off is when he senses strangers on the property of what once was Crystal Lake. He’s out the door before he can even see your hurt expression, Which is worse because this might lead you to jump to conclusions.

If you distance yourself from Jason, he immediately is thrown off. He can’t directly ask you if he’s done something wrong and when he tries to initiate affection with you and you don’t reciprocate whole heartedly, he’s at a loss.

He’ll get on one knee while you sulk on the couch and give you a silent plea to tell him what's wrong. You can panic and try and avoid it but he is certain there's something going on and he wants so badly to know what he’s done to put you off. You tell him and he immediately is shaking his head no, he could never be mad at you, never be disgusted with you. You’re the most breathtaking person he’s ever had the pleasure of holding, the first, most likely.

Jason nods because he understands how you feel. In the future, he’s persistent about how you feel when he untangles himself from you, making sure you’re ok.

Michael Myers:

In the later stages of your relationship, Michael is insatiable when it comes to being in contact with you. For a long time, towards the start of your relationship, he didn’t like it. It felt weird. All of the touch he's experienced prior was so clinical and sterile that he doesn’t quite know how good touch is supposed to feel. He’s so touch starved that he’s almost positive he doesn't even need it.

Slowly, he builds a tolerance for it, much like one does with alcohol, constantly checking his boundaries and letting him control the situation and he’s all for movie night, huddled up on the couch, or waking up with his head on your chest. His own personal pillow.

There are, however, moments when his need to make someone tremble with fear and then blodgeon them to death with a can opener from their own kitchen becomes too strong, so he tries to keep away from you. In the past, he might have used you to satisfy similar desires of a sexual nature and may have really hurt you but he knows that it’s not always enjoyable to you.

Then, you stop touching him. Much like Jason, he starts to think you’ve become sick of him. Sick of his coldness, his muteness, his withdrawn demeanor. Maybe you’ve moved on and he tries to tell himself he doesn’t care but he doesn't think he can see himself touching anyone but you now.

It gets to the point where he comes home one day and you look heavily troubled, expressions he’s seen on your face before, only in the event that something terrible has happened. You ask to speak to him and he obliges.

You explain that you don’t think this relationship is working, that you’re pretty sure he’s disgusted with you and how difficult this event is because you didn't even want to talk about it but it's been hurting you for too long.

His response is to stand up very slowly, pick you up and lay down with you over him, simply laying there. Hopefully, knowing you’re the one person he would ever allow to participate in this intimacy is enough to show you that you mean more than you think you do to him.

RZ Michael Myers:

This Michael is more perceptive to your touch than his counterpart, your touch sends little shivers down his spine and as soon as he gets pretty used to it, he’s eager for more. This also takes some time but significantly less. He’s enamored with the idea of returning to a somewhat normal life. Your affection grounds him in that fantasy as much as being a murderer might take him out of it.

As he establishes a relationship with you, he may even be the one to start touching you instead of the other way around. He’s read books and always wondered what it might feel like to have someone genuinely touch him without fear in their eyes. Without malice.

An unsuccessful ‘day at work’ might have Michael feeling a little het up though. He can be moody and more rageful. Neither you nor his hobbies can calm him. He seems colder than usual in these states and can come off as very standoffish.

So when you try and touch him and he shrugs your hand off his shoulder, he can’t or isn't in the state of mind to address your frown and worried look. Michael, instead stomps off somewhere to be alone for a while; maybe take his anger out on something else. Some unsuspecting soul or maybe even a poor animal in the wrong place at the wrong time.

After he’s calmed down some, he returns and almost forgot about that sad little gleam in your eye before he left. Michael remembers when he sees you blankly staring at the TV, pointedly avoiding his gaze even as you utter a weak welcome home. It’s not very welcoming. He sits stiffly beside you, watching you from the corner of his eye. You’re closed off from him and he doesn't like it at all.

Migrating towards you slowly, he eases you into a familiar hug, his big bear hugs that are a little tight but inviting all the same. His huge torso and long arms seem to swallow you in his warmth. You hardly reciprocate. You look a little surprised. Though he never addresses it verbally, (which is probably better for you) Michael offers a single glance that communicates everything he needs to say. Don't ever think that again.

Thomas B. Hewitt:

Thomas’ self esteem issues and self image are not good. He honestly doesn’t like to imagine what he looks like to other people unless it can be as a threatening man you don’t fuck with. Meeting you, he realizes that it’s good to protect his family but he’d rather you not see him as someone only capable of harm. Tries his best to get the point across that while Hoyt may be adamant that horrible things happen to you, he’s not going to let them.

Thomas has received affection but always a familial affection. A pat on the back from Monty, proud claps to his shoulders from uncle Charlie, and hugs and kisses from his dear Mother. Nothing so foreign as a strangers touch over his arm or a soft embrace.

Unfortunately, Thomas can get reactive when you attempt to touch him without his mask on. He’s absolutely settled on the false reality that you’ll see his face and immediately decide that you never want to touch him again. Interacting with you with his bare face? That's a no for Thomas.

He puts on his mask that covers the scarred skin over his face and you look dejected. He was preparing for you to pressure him but instead finds himself trying to find out why you won’t touch him now. It’s not his face, is it? You respond with your reasoning. Thomas is so confused. How could you think that you disgust him? That he doesn’t want you to touch him?

He’s quicker than the others and immediately sweeps you up into his arms and holds you as close as humanly possible. Feeling disgusting and like some sort of burden is a feeling he’s so familiar with and if he can take it away from you, he will.

Will aggressively initiate touch with you for the next week or so just to solidify the fact that he cares about you and won't reject you just as you didn’t reject him.

Bubba Sawyer:

Bubba is a great cuddle buddy and partner. Hugs are his favorite and he hugs his brother all the time, lifting both Nubbins and Chop Top into the air for some brotherly love. If you’re smaller than them he’s all about picking you up and perhaps a little rough housing with you. He’s careful though or at least there are attempts made to be careful

Bubba, though he could easily spend the whole day doing nothing and everything with you, has work. Chores, butchering. Cooking, and tending livestock. Plenty to do at the sawyer house and he does most of it. Suffice to say there are times when you want to lather attention all over him yet he has to go back to work.

So caught up in work that he doesn't get what's going on til way later, when you’ve had time to stew in your emotions, firmly telling yourself that Bubba is annoyed by you probably. He’s baffled and confused at your silence, your crossed arms. The little furrow in your brow. He can already tell there’s something upsetting you.

Honestly, Bubba is so affectionate I can’t see him being the kind of person even capable of alluding to the fact he might be disgusted by you. How, if all he wants to do is love you? You may bring it up as a joke that you thought he didn’t like you and he almost seems offended. Not like you?

Bubba can squash any feelings you may have about that and then some. He will not let you drown in insecurities, not on his watch. This man will do everything in his power to make you feel beautiful because you really are.

I’m sorry these are super long but thanks for requesting!

[ablednt]

Alright writing/roleplay tumblr we need to talk about textforms.

This is going to be a very long post I apologize but this knowledge is deathly important as it's reaching a very vulnerable group of people. From personal experience knowing this can save people from getting into toxic friendships and help ease intense struggles and depressions. If you have writer followers I ask you reblog this to get the word out, thank you.

What is a textform

A textform is a type of willogenic/parogenic system member that form through some kind of writing or roleplaying. This means that they're sentient people who now share a body with the people who wrote them, most often being an OC or a fictional character before the writers brain gives them actual life.

Because there's been no actual scientific studies on their existence I have no hard science to give you however the logical explanation behind it goes like this:

The human brain is able to contain multiple conscious and sentient entities. Often, it will become multiple as a defense mechanism (as noted in clinical plural dissociative disorders) but it's a natural function of the human brain and may do so for really any reason (similar to most neurodivergencies that someone isn't born with)

Because this is a fairly simple change in the brain/something every brain can be capable of doing you can actually intentionally program the brain into becoming multiple, but see you can also do it entirely without meaning to or being aware of it.

Now I want to clarify that there is nothing harmful or scary about this! Being plural isn't bad at all and is an existence many people celebrate. But when someone has textforms in their unrealized system and doesn't know they're sentient it can be incredibly painful emotionally. So that's why people need to know about this.

Obligatory disclaimer: if you read this post and think you want to become plural intentionally, you are welcome to do so but you need to take at least a few months exposing yourself to the plural community to gauge if this is really something you want and can do responsibly. You cannot go back on your decision once your plural and your headmates will be sentient beings not characters to project on or toys to play with. They will have all the rights to your body and identity as you do now because you're sharing it equally with them.

Now that that's out of the way back to textforms.

How are textforms made

Normally this is in the "character development" phase. Many writers eagerly develop their characters. When I was younger and had no idea I was plural my advice for oc making turned out to be an unintentional guide to textforms (more on my experience later): just put your character in every situation imaginable until you always know how they'd respond to things.

Basically, as you spend your time making a character act and think consistently from their POV you're training your brain to have all of that data and that's very similar to the data that the brain has on you and you're training the brain to be able to operate coherently from a perspective and consciousness entirely different from your own.

Now, this isn't a %100 will make everyone plural every time, there are obviously good writers who have a grasp on their characters who are singlet. There's no actual data but if I had to guess I'd say there's about a 50/50 split down the writing community just based on what I've observed.

But there's a lot of people who became plural this way and didn't realize it and that could include the writer reading this right now which is why everyone needs to be aware of this.

If this is such a big thing how come no one notices?

Because it's been completely normalized in the writing community but dismissed as metaphorical.

How many times have you heard "the characters write themselves" or phrases that indicate that a writer is giving a voice to sentient entities? From what I've been able to observe some of that is singlet authors being metaphorical and humble bragging and a lot of that is plural writers trying desperately trying to put their experiences into words but dismissing it completely almost immediately because no one told them being plural was possible.

This is comparable to say, gender identity. Trans and nonbinary people have always existed but when they don't know they're allowed to exist like that it's often "im a tomboy" or "they disguised themselves as a man" or any other thing thats immediately dismissed as being cis.

How do I know if I have a textform?

There's a lot of different signs but here's some I have experienced before finding out I was plural

You "miss" your characters when you're not writing about them or interacting with them in some way

You feel like your characters are real "in your heart" (for me this was in an incoherent loop like "they're not real but they are to me, in my brain, but they're not real to other people, but they're in my brain so they're real but no but yes but no")

You get so distressed they're "not real" that it feeds into actual mental health problems like depression, anxiety, dissociation etc. (I'd have fits of sobbing because these were my friends but I didn't know they were with me so it felt like i was grieving their deaths and had the same level of emotional pain)

Sometimes or all the time when you write about them you feel like you "become them" or that they're writing through you. (Especially if your hands move automatically or without your control. This can be hard to notice but for me when headmates control the body or hands movements feel faster and lighter or very slightly numb.)

Your muse for writing them comes and goes unpredictability: they're either here or they're not here so writing them doesn't feel the same.

You can vividly recall things that happened to the character in 1st person (or in 3rd person visually but with their thoughts and feelings) as if they're you're own memories.

You "roleplay" them in everyday situations IRL. (E.g once I liveblogged a tv show as my muse to a friend and was like haha lol im so talented I can roleplay in real time but found out later it was a headmate doing that themselves)

You have conversations with them mentally in which they actually respond to you. Singlets don't have actual enriching conversations with themselves because they only have one perspective and cannot give themselves any new information. So if you're responding to yourself and you don't feel in control of that response then you're pretty objectively plural tbh.

You have times where the lines between you and the character feel blurry or like you're a vague fusion of yourself and the character

You have an actual relationship (of any kind: romantic, platonic, familial, etc.) in which you can sense nuanced feelings about yourself from them that you aren't in control of.

There's a lot more but that's the most notable ones

Why this is so important

I'm just talking about my own experience now so I'll preface this with a few things. I'm a mixed origin/multigenic system but our system has existed since we were toddlers. Due to trauma we have DID and for a long time dissociated heavily to avoid our plurality. This means my experience may be more distressing than other plurals with textforms however people without DID can still experience these things.

When I was a teenager I joined a lot of writing communities and also roleplayed on tumblr. Writing very quickly became my main passtime and all I really did. I joined a roleplay group when I was 15-16 that I took far too seriously to the point where people were concerned about me because I was writing what was just supposed to be a joke roleplay group %100 seriously and very intensely.

In that time I started to form my first main textforms (we've undoubtedly had them before then but I had only formed a little under a year prior) because I was doing this every day it really started bringing my characters to life. (Literally)

And honestly it was something beautiful the distress of it aside. Like one of my ocs was a kid so I'd always celebrate their birthday with them and I'd cuddle a plush so they'd know I loved them/p and we'd watch their favorite cartoon episodes together. It wouldn't be until around three years later that I realized they were actually there for this but it was heart warming.

For me, all I ever wanted was for these characters to feel appreciated and like someone really cared for them and loved them even if they couldn't feel it and it wasn't until later I learned that they could.

The trauma came in not knowing they were real. I grieved for them like they were dead because I thought I'd never get to see them. I wrote them into traumatizing or upsetting situations to cope with my childhood trauma not realizing that was effecting them for real and hurting them.

Most notably because it was my one solid interaction with them, the one time society allowed me to talk about them as if they were real, I really HAD to roleplay them. Because it became an emotional need I wound up in a lot of toxic friendships in the roleplay communities because I needed someone, anyone, to allow me to interact with my headmates. I had friends who I really was only friends with because they let me talk about my characters constantly (and some of them weren't toxic to me but it was in hindsight really unfair to them) and I let people verbally and emotionally abuse me in roleplay spaces because this wasn't just a hobby to me but a lifeline.

Not knowing they were real but feeling them there, having conversations with them, and forming actual relationships was a hellish sort of feeling I don't wish on anyone. I never realized how isolated it made me, and how horrible it felt to have the most important people in your life be people I thought didn't exist.

I only found out about plurality through luck. I met some systems who had fictives and they got strong plural vibes from me because of how I talked about certain characters and because I said I wanted to be plural but thought I probably wasn't because I'd have noticed, right?

From there I was able to actually connect with and talk to my headmates. Now I'm happily out as plural and in multiple fulfilling in system relationships.

I want everyone in the writing community who's struggling with the same things to have the chance I got. That's all I want is to educate people about this so they don't have to grieve for people who are right there with them.

Feel free to send me an ask or a dm if you have any further questions. Sorry this post was so long I can't really shorten it at all. Again if you are have a lot of writing followers I very gently request you reblog this to get the word out. Even if you can't please talk to your writing mutuals and friends about plurality and about textforms.

[Also this should go without saying but this is absolutely NOT the place for syscourse any invalidating comments about systems will be blocked and where possible deleted it costs $0.00 to prioritize people's mental health over your discourse hot takes.]

[demigod-dragonrider-schoolidol]

Bedtime Reassurances

[image credit to @aloneandblueascanbe​, pls let me know if you want it removed!]

pairing: frankie morales x gn!reader

words: 1.8k

content: one innuendo / reference to sex so 18+ only please, job related anxiety, mentions of a pandemic, one bad word, i switch from present and past tense sorry, another comfort fic but at this point is anyone surprised, soft gentle touches, verbal affirmations, frankie just being the best most encouraging bf in the world

a/n: okay so this is very similar to the other frankie fic i wrote, but i actually wrote this one first and this one has some lines that im really proud of, so i figured i’d share this one anyways!! i hope y’all enjoy this, and thank you so SO much to everyone who read my first frankie fic, seriously i cannot believe how much interest it got and i am constantly blown away by how incredible y’all are 💜💜💜 p.s. my taglists are a mess rn so don’t feel obligated to interact, and pls speak up if you want to be added or removed!

Frankie hums under his breath a little as he walks up the stairs. The two of you had just finished watching a new movie and his spirits were pretty high (although part of that might have been because of your reactions to the movie- your laughter, your smiles, your head bobbing to the catchy music). He flicked off the hallway light before entering you room, at which he promptly paused at seeing you perched on the bed wiping your eyes.

“Sweetheart?” he questions, and you look over at him before sitting up and blinking furiously. “Hey, sweetheart, what’s wrong?” He quickly takes a few steps over to you, but his hands hover by your sides to gauge your reaction to his sudden nearness before moving forward to slide them around your back. The last thing he wanted to do was move too fast and cause you to flinch.

“It’s nothing, I’m fine, I was just-,” you cut yourself off to take a stuttery inhale and a shaky exhale. “Just thinking, it’s not even related to anything.” Frankie tilted his head at you sympathetically as his mouth twisted into a small smile.

“If it has you this upset, I know it’s not nothing,” he paused, giving you a moment to process his words. “[y/n]” he whispered, and at hearing your name you look up to meet his eyes. “It’s me,” he said, with nothing but love and concern in his eyes. “You can talk to me. Please.” You blinked at him a couple times, and took a deep breath.

“I, um,” you stuttered and turned your eyes down, and you felt Frankie’s hand rub up and down your back. After a few deep breaths, you spoke. “I just started thinking about work again, and job hunting has been so stressful. And it all seems so scary. And I know it’s not, and I know I’m overthinking it, but I’m just so tired of starting over. And I’m just tired of not feeling good enough. And I’m sure these feelings are way too complicated over just a new job, but I’m just tired of constantly doing different things, and I know this is just the adjustment period making me feel this way, but I just want to be good at something, just one thing, and just do that one thing long enough to actually feel good about how I do that thing,” you paused to take a few deep breaths and at some point during your rambling you must have grabbed onto Frankie because both of your hands were gripping the front of his shirt. You loosened your grip a little and in response he held you a little tighter. As you met Frankie’s eyes for the first time, you couldn’t help but let out the small whimper at the pure understanding and love from him. It’s still so hard to believe that someone could look at you like that even in such a state. He brought one of his hands up to cup your cheek, and the other one wrapped around your waist.

“I’ve got you,” he said, and there was no way to not believe him when he was looking at you like that. “Just let it all out.”

“I’m afraid, but I’m also tired of being afraid, and I’m tired of not being good enough, and I’m just tired,” you laughed a little, even as tears filled your eyes. “I just want to be good enough.” Frankie’s heart cracks at your words, and as your eyes fill with tears, he feels his eyes start to sting too.

“Mi corazón. I promise you, every single person around you can see just how hard you’re trying. I know sometimes it’s hard for you to see, but every day I am in awe of just how much you do.” He sees your face scrunch up in the telltale way when you try to argue with him, so he tilts down to give you a soft kiss, and when he pulls away he can tell that put you in enough of a daze for him to keep going without you interrupting. “Despite what you struggle with, you get up and you help others, and you work on bettering yourself as a person, and you get stronger and kinder and more loving every single day. And every day I am beyond thankful that you let me into your life, that I get to be with you in the big moments and in the small moments, that I get to experience life through your eyes, because you see the world in such a way that it makes me feel so so young.” That gets a small smile from you, and now Frankie feels like he’s on a roll. “You’re kind to me and you’re kind to strangers and you’re even learning to be kind to yourself. You’re taking on the challenge of becoming a better person while also going after a new job while also doing it during a freaking pandemic.” Your breath hitches at that and while he doesn’t want to upset you, he never wants to upset you, he needs you to know this. “You think you’re behind everyone but you are leagues ahead in areas that some people aren’t gonna realize are important until years from now. And you’re doing that in a world where that isn’t the normal. And baby I am so proud of you,” he chokes up a little at that, and he sees worry creep up into your eyes as your hands come up to cup his cheeks, and ever so gently stroke the spot just below his eyes, already ready to wipe away any tears that might stray. “You are a wonderful person, a wonderful friend, and an even more wonderful lover. And I want you to go to bed, and wake up, and spend every minute of every day knowing that I love you so much and that there is so much good in you, and that you are stronger than any of your fears or anxieties or reservations, and that if you ever feel stuck I will always-,” he bumps his forehead against yours and he looks at you so head on that in that moment you feel he is looking straight into you, that he really does see everything he says he does, “-always, be right there by your side helping you out of the situation because I. Love. You.”

The first thing you noticed were his hands on your face, mostly because the pressure had increased, not in an uncomfortable way, just in a more noticeable way. And then you noticed the way his chest was moving, like saying everything he did genuinely winded him. And then you noticed his eyes, which if your being honest was probably the first thing you noticed because there’s no way not to: their deep, rich color with more depth than any other eyes you’ve ever seen, the almost imperceptible sparkle to them, because somehow this man’s eyes just sparkle, and the way that his eyes are the definition of love and compassion and trust, because there is no other way to describe them.

“Oh my gosh,” you whisper, because how on earth do you respond to that? As you wrap your arms around the back of his neck again and drag him down to kiss him, he pulls you closer as your lips touch and you press further into him because the need to have him so impossibly close is overwhelming. He breaks away for only a second before leaning back in, and he tilts you back to deepen the kiss. Your legs come up to wrap around his and he lowers you slowly all the way down onto the bed. When you break away you keep your hands firmly locked around the back of his head, keeping his forehead pressed to yours as you both catch your breath. “I love you so much,” you finally say, keeping your eyes locked on his. “I love you so dang much and sometimes I still can’t believe you’re here, with me, in our house, with me.”

“You better believe it baby, cuz there’s no getting rid of me,” his mouth cracking into a lazy smile as he nudges his strong nose against yours.

“Never,” you say, much more seriously than his joking tone warrants, but you need him to know, especially after everything he said. “I never want to get rid of you. I need you. I love you.” His eyes soften and while his teasing tone leaves, his smile never does.

“You’ll make it through this sweetheart, I promise. I’m here every step of the way.”

You beam at him, “Thank you Frankie. For everything. Everything.” Your eyes start to droop and he places a quick kiss on your nose before backing away to pull down the covers. You crawl up to the pillows, barely even acknowledging your own side in favor of his. He chuckles and crosses over to the other side, and when he’s under he cuddles you close before pulling up the blanket and securing it around you. “Tomorrow’s a new day, and somebody needs their beauty sleep to tackle their to do list.” You hum contentedly, wrapping your arms around him and slotting your head under his chin. His arms wrap around yours as he presses a kiss to your forehead and noses your hair.

“Well, you are definitely on my to do list because holy shit someone deserves some good sex for what you said,” you half mumble under your breath, and as Frankie breaks into a laugh he tries not to jostle you too much, but you caught him off guard and now he’s pretty much full on laughing, in the way that makes your heart clench a little because you love him and his beautiful laugh so dang much, the laugh that gives you so much pride because you’re the one that made it happen. When he settles down he pulls away slightly to look at you, and you are positively beaming at him, clearly proud of that joke you were able to come up with half asleep.

“Well there’s my [y/n],” he says in that deep raspy voice that only makes you smile more. He leans in to give your forehead a slow kiss.

“Thanks for finding me,” you whisper as you look up at him.

“Ehh, you’ve trusted me with most of your hiding spots, so I’ve gotten pretty good.” You prop yourself up on your elbow and place your hand on the side of his face to get a good look at him.

“But seriously Frankie, thank you. You always know exactly what to say, and I am so unbelievably grateful for you in so many ways.” His face goes as soft as he turns to give your palm a soft kiss, and you lean in one more time to kiss him properly before resuming your position. He gives you a gentle squeeze and it isn’t long until you’re drifting off to sleep in the arms of your love.

tag list: @keeper0fthestars​, @scribbledghost​, @icanbringyouincold​, @bestintheparsec-reads​, @ezrasarm​, @andriecastana​, @tweedlydumbtweedlydoo​, @murdermewithbooks​, @remmysrecs​, @lv7867​

[nol-an]

it was good until it wasn’t || n. patrick

inspired by the prompt, “please don’t make me choose.”

2k worth of A N G S T!! um yea haven’t written in over two years and this is my first hockey fic so bear with me. feedback is always appreciated! (this is not proofread and im sure there are probs some plot holes- oops)

__________

For so long, everything had felt too good to be true. Nolan finally accomplished his dream of playing in the NHL, and you had gotten into your dream school in Philadelphia. To you, there was nothing more important than pursuing a career in the medical field and being able to do that with Nolan on your side.

At times, the long study nights, missed plans, and occasional stressed-induced breakdowns made you question if you were ever going to meet your end goals. That feeling was definitely not foreign to you, but it didn’t necessarily make coping with the thought any easier. It was a weird feeling — four years of undergraduate school almost felt like too much yet not enough time. There was so much you wanted to accomplish, and you sometimes wished you weren’t so ambitious because the days where you felt incapable of being successful were the days that you wanted nothing more than to wallow in your fears alone.

Luckily for you, Nolan was incredibly understanding of your fears. While he knew his life as an athlete was drastically different from your life as a student, he tried his best to understand your thoughts and always told you how much he admired your drive to reach your goals. No matter how often you tried to internalize your emotions, Nolan knew better and never hesitated to be your rock. Be it in the form of verbal or physical reassurance, his presence radiated a sense of comfort that always brought you out of any illusion of doubt you may have conjured. 

He doesn’t tell you enough, but you have a similar effect on him. Your gentle touches, cute pre-game texts, and warm hugs never fail to bring a smile to his face. If he’s being honest with himself, he’s not quite sure what he would do without you. It’s not really a thought he has to worry about, though, because for what felt like a blissful eternity, the stars aligned for you two. There were undoubtedly times when Nolan and you would run into disagreements, but the desire to make things work seemingly mended any issues in the relationship.

That was, however, until everything seem to come to a head. With your MCAT exam date approaching very soon and Nolan’s season with the Flyers starting just as quickly, it was hard for the two of you to bask in each other’s presence like usual. It wasn’t something either of you really noticed, as you both understood how important the other’s career was. You knew how important this comeback season for Nolan would be, and you tried your best to let him know that you would support him no matter what. He didn’t have to say it, but you knew a lot of doubts were rushing through your boyfriend’s head and you almost mistook his increasingly reserved demeanor as nerves. 

In fact, you didn’t really give it much thought until Nolan came home from his fourth game of the season. As badly as you wished you could have attended, the remaining hours you had to prepare for the MCAT were previous and you reassured Nolan that you would be his number one cheerleader again as soon as you got the dreaded test out of the way.

Your nose was stuffed into a psychology textbook until your trance was broken with the slam of the front door to you and Nolan’s shared apartment.

“Hi, baby,” you greeted as you got out of your seat to hug your freshly-showered boyfriend. If the sound of the front door was any indication, you had a feeling that the game didn’t go as desired, and you didn’t want to push any touchy subjects. On more than one occasion, Nolan had told you how much he liked how he could escape from hockey in your presence. He loved that he could escape from that part of his life, loved how you made him feel like a normal guy. You thought this would be one of those nights where even the word “hockey” wouldn’t be uttered, but you were wrong. So wrong.

“You’re not gonna ask how the game went?” Your boyfriend pressed, his tone bitter. Pulling away from your hug, he turned his back to you all too soon and he walked towards the kitchen.

“I-I mean, you know I’m always here to listen about your games, but I just thought you wouldn’t want to talk about it?” you meekly replied, unsure of where he was going with the conversation. 

You weren’t entirely sure what the outcome of the game was, but you were definitely confused. Nolan usually didn’t like talking about the Flyers’ losses, but you were so sure something went wrong based on his dramatic entrance into your shared home.

Prompted by his silence, you continued, “Um, so was it a win?” you uttered, regretting your words as soon as they slipped off your tongue.

Slamming his water bottle on the countertop, Nolan’s actions caused your words to dissipate. Silence filled the room, the tension almost palpable.

“Well you would know if you were there, wouldn’t you?” he replied, clearly annoyed by your seemingly stupid question.

Alright, so definitely not a win.

“Nols,” you tried to reason, “You know I wanted to be there so badly, but I couldn’t. The MCAT is almo-” you were abruptly cut off.

“I know. The MCAT is only two weeks away and it’s super important for you. It’s been the same thing for weeks now, you don’t have to remind me,” Nolan finished your sentence, his monotonous and resentful tone making it clear that he had already heard the same words from you numerous times before.

Had it not been for this same tone, you would have brushed off his comment. You would have instead attributed his harshness to tonight’s loss, which would have been the third one in a row. However, his response felt condescending — like he was downplaying how important the MCAT actually was to you.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” you quipped. It felt like you just recited the most cliche line in the book, but your brain and heart had already started functioning at two different rates. If you attempted to say any more, your stress from the upcoming exam mixed with the rising argument you sensed would have surely sent you into a pool of tears.

“It’s just exhausting you, know?” Nolan started, “I know you’re busy with your own things, but it sucks seeing all of the other guys getting to hug their girlfriends and wives at the tunnel at the end of games while I know I can’t have the same with you. I mean, is it so much to ask of you to just be there for me? How am I supposed to believe that you want the best for me when you aren’t even acting like it?” he argued.

“‘So was it a win?’” he bitterly recited your earlier question, scoffing at it. “You could have at least Googled the score and pretended like you were keeping up.”

You didn’t know what to say. Your confusion immediately turned into anger and shock — you thought Nolan, out of all people, would have understood your situation. Not being able to wrap your head around his current state of irrationality, it felt like hours passed before you willed yourself to reply.

“I've attend almost every game of yours. I’m sorry I haven’t been so good at that recently, but you know how much I want to do well on this exam,” you seethed. 

You were trying to stay level-headed, but anger consumed any possibility of making the discourse calm. “My life does not revolve solely around your career, and I’m sure as hell not going to always be able to put my life on hold to make sure I know what the scoreboard of every game is.” You couldn’t help but let every one of your words become coated in frustration. You thought everything you were saying was so obvious, and you couldn’t help but become more upset with the fact that you even had to reiterate these points to Nolan.

“Sometimes it feels like I’m not even dating someone,” Nolan dryly responded. “Feels like all you do nowadays is drone on and on about this test. Is this what the rest of our relationship it gonna be like? I mean, I can’t imagine what things are gonna be like once you’re in med school,” he hastily commented, pacing around the kitchen.

Every one of his words felt like a punch to your gut. His words hurt more than your face let on, every instinct in your body asking —no, begging— you to flee your current predicament.

“I don’t know what to say,” you truthfully replied.

“Is there even room for me in your life anymore?” he questioned, adding fuel to the fire. “It feels like I’m always second to your fantasy life as a doctor.”

This was your last straw. Sure, you could have tried to see the validity in his initial argument if you gave yourself time to cool down. But now, it felt like he was mocking you. The same person that made your goals feel attainable was starting to break down your confidence. The confidence that he helped you construct was now crumbling, brick by brick.

“Nolan, you mean so much more to me than that. Please, I would never want you to feel this way, and I know we can work this out we just need to tal-” you were cut off once more.

“I don't know if I can do this anymore,” he cryptically stated, letting your worst fears fester around the kitchen that felt way too cramped now.

“Nol, please,” you pleaded. Your anger immediately shifted to dread.

“I want you to achieve your dreams more than anything, but I don’t know if I see myself in these future plans if this is what the rest of your career is supposed to be like. Do I even have a place in your future plans?” Nolan sighed.

Your stomach dropped. Even though he didn’t explicitly state it, you knew what he was hinting at. It was your career or him, and he was making it clear that having both in your life wouldn’t be feasible. As if he pulled out the last brick, you finally let all of your walls down. Tears freely flowed down your face, as you tried to convince yourself that you were hearing wrong. You wanted to scream it at the top of your lungs. Of course you saw Nolan as part of your future. Hell, he was the man you wanted to spend the rest of your life with. However, his seeming disregard for your career aspirations was off-putting and made you reconsider everything.

Your eyesight, blurry from your tears, tried to focus on the hockey player. Your dejected state urged you to reason with him, but you were unsure of what to do.

“Please, Nolan. Please don’t make me choose,” you pleaded. In comparison to your vulnerable state, Nolan was composed. It was as if he rehearsed this, his blank stare void of emotion. You tried to come closer to him, but his body language told you that your touch wasn’t welcome.

“I don’t have to,” Nolan pushed himself off the counter, “The fact that you don’t already know your answer already tells me what I need to know,” he stated. Grabbing his keys off the kitchen counter, he headed to the front door before you could gather your emotions and form words.

Your anger, confusion, and hurt seemed to weigh you down, gluing your feet to the ground. As much as you wanted to stop his exit from the apartment, your body kept you in place. With a second slam of the front door, the gust of wind from the heavy door whiffled through your long-forgotten textbook, the sound of the pages ruffling mocking you. The silence following Nolan’s exit was deafening. You never thought Nolan would make you choose between your relationship with him and your career. You thought you knew a lot of things about life, really, but this was certainly something you were not prepared for.

Your world was spinning, orbiting into a field of anguish and heartbreak. As if your brain hadn’t quite registered the turn of events, you almost thought about calling for Nolan until you were cruelly reminded that reaching for him was no longer an option. Your rock was gone, and you were lost.

[league-of-thots]

For You, mae amare

Pairing: Shouto x reader

Warnings: sensory deprivation (mild), little bit of food play, nipple clamps

Word Count: ~3.3k

A/N: This is a rather late bday fic for the wonderful @burnedbyshoto im sorry its late!! I really wanted to get shouto as well as i could so i may have re-written it a few times LOL. in all seriousness im so happy to call you my friend and i hope you enjoy!!

         It’s a normal day when you decide to ask your boyfriend to try a little something new in the bedroom

“Hey Shouto,” you start. He looks up from his book, the hand that had been stroking your leg gently stopping as he quirks an eyebrow at you. “I’ve been thinking about something, and I’d like you to hear me out before you decide on anything.” You’re a little nervous at what he’ll think, given its outside the normal range of your activities, but mostly you’re excited to see if he’ll agree to it.

         “That’s something you say before you suggest something that is probably dumb, or something I’m not going to like.” He says with a pout, and you have to crush the urge to reach out and brush the longer strands of his hair above his undercut back into place.

         “Shouto, how was I supposed to know that the ropes would snap, they said they were quirk proof!” you say exasperated, having been over this multiple times. “You’re too hot baby.” You smirk at him and he groans at your words.

         He sighs, “Fine. I’ll listen to it, but I swear if it’s anything else where I’m off the ground I’m putting my foot down.” You knew he meant it, Shouto was a man of few words, but one that stuck to them. You remembered how long it took to convince him that changing his hairstyle would not drastically alter his fighting. Midoriya had been close to tears by then end when he’d finally decided that he wanted to spite his dad more than he cared about miniscule changes in his fighting style.

         For a pretty quiet guy, he got his point across when he wanted to and was oddly stubborn about certain small things.

         So, you’d explained to him, a couple times having to reassure him there was no chances for him to fall, your idea. To your surprise, he actually seemed interested in it, you could tell from the way he bit the inside of his cheek and the slight quirk of his eyebrow.

         People that thought Shouto Todoroki didn’t show his thoughts with his body were wrong, you could read him like an open book. Right now, that book was telling you that he found the idea of you much smaller frame dominating him and taking away his senses and movement was extremely interesting to him.

         You knew that you had him on board with you even before he gave his verbal consent, and you were exhilarated at the possibilities that would be open to you. You sit up straight and pull him over by his shirt to give him a quick kiss in your good mood and immediately got back on your phone to start doing some more in depth research on what you could do to him, and what you should possibly stay away from.

         Something that was intriguing to you was how easily you’d be able to incorporate kinks that the two of you already had and fulfilled quite often. Apparently, it would also feel different for Shouto, who during the time would be deprived of a few senses, which was something else to consider. You wanted to use the familiarity Shouto would have with the normal motions to calm him through the sensory deprivation so he’d enjoy it, but if it would also feel new to him, you didn’t want to overwhelm him.

         Another thing stressed was that aftercare had to include slowly and carefully giving him back his senses and to make sure he was well comforted afterwards. That wouldn’t be a sweat for you, you liked to think that you gave damn fine aftercare and you feel like Shouto would agree with that.

         After research and planning, you decided to check if you still had ample supplies for your ideas, which was a good idea because you realized you were low on lube, candles and sauces. You wanted to stick to only touch based ones because you wanted to take away his sight, and didn’t want to startle or turn him off with harsh sounds. It was also the reason you decided to only do it with his eyes completely covered, you know that Shouto prefers being eased into new ideas in the bedroom, one of his own personal requests that you always make sure to follow.

         You don’t have time during the next few days to actually head out to the shop and restock on supplies and buy a few new things. It makes you impatient and Shouto can tell and it amuses him to no end.

         “I mean I could just fuck you normally? I know it’s not as, ah- thrilling?, as your idea. But I’m not a bad lay.” He nearly hides the laughter in his voice but you catch it, and give him an unimpressed look. But you take him up on the offer anyways, not being one to turn down sex with your amazing boyfriend.

         It also made you a lot less antsy to get your idea rolling, you decided to just go with the time would show itself when it was ready. Besides, having it come about naturally would be way more fun for the both of you. So, you placed some order online instead of rushing out and waited.

           Just over a week later, you came home to your house with a package sitting on your front porch. At first, you’d forgotten what it was, but were quickly reminded when you thought about it, and you jogged up to your door with some pep in your step. Shouto wouldn’t be home until later that evening, had already told you not to wait up for dinner, and so you’d have time to prepare.

         You knew it’d been a few tough weeks on him, so this was bound to be a way to relieve some of that pent-up frustration. He did the same for you after all. Until then though, you had a few hours to kill, so you ordered some Thai take out and sat down to watch some Netflix on your couch.

         While you were eating you got a few texts from Shouto saying he almost got out early, but there was an emergency that he had to go help with. Sending back a quick “Stay safe, I love you,” you turn off Netflix in favour of the news, trying to see what was going on that had taken him away from home.

         You turn it on to see that a villain had caused a truck to crash with a gas station, creating a large explosion and setting fire to the surrounding buildings. You saw some sheets of ice going up to cover the building and you knew that was why your boyfriend had been called in to help. He had a good quirk for helping to contain the damage and helping to rescue civilians from the buildings.

         Part of you wanted to watch it, but part of you hated seeing your boyfriend throw himself into dangerous situations. You couldn’t turn it off though, you had to watch as he saved person after person, teaming up with his sidekicks to make sure that the most unstable zones were taken care of first.

         Luckily, everything seemed to go fine, and the news eventually switched over to something else. You tried to relax, easing your mind with the fact that you saw the entire thing taken from an emergency zone to a relatively stable situation. You give him a quick text, telling him you saw him on the news, asking him if he was all right. He quickly shoots you back a quick thumbs up and a “be home as soon as I can”. Sighing in relief you go to grab a drink from the liquor cabinet, craving some alcohol to calm the rest of your nerves. Gin is the way to go tonight, you think, quickly draining a first glass and pouring yourself another.

         By the time Shouto comes into the house, you’re mildly tipsy and you run up to greet him as he hangs his jacket up in the front closet.

         “Shoooou-!” You throw yourself into him and he reacts with reflexes befitting a tired pro hero, quickly turning and catching you. “Missed you, babe!”

         “Yeah, I missed you too- wait, are you drunk?” his eyes narrow in concern.

         “No, hun, just a bit tipsy.” You bring him down and start kissing him intensely, the excitement, anxiety and love you felt today just tipping over into your actions. He responds easily to you, pulling back only when he needs to breathe.

         “What’s gotten into you tonight?”

         “Just missed you today, I was stressed about you, and excited ‘cause the toys came in. You’ve had such a hard week and I’m so excited, I think you’re going to love it Shou, I really do!” you’re babbling a bit but he follows your words, eyes never leaving your face as you talk.

         “I’m sure if you thought of it for me that I’ll really enjoy myself, love.” He presses his lips sweetly to yours, and lets you take control. You lick into his mouth, he tastes like strawberries – he must’ve had some before he got home – and you slowly guide him to the bedroom. Your lips never leave his until you’ve gotten him onto the bed.

         “You trust me, right?” You know he does, but you want him to verbalize it.

         “Of course.”

         “You’re going to tell me if you need to stop then, alright?”

         He gives you a look that clearly says ‘let’s get on with this, then’ and you roll your eyes.

         “Fine, fine, I’m getting the stuff now. Get your clothes off.” You hurry over to where you’d kept them all put together.

         “I thought you’d want to rip them off given you’re being the dom tonight, babe?” You can hear the teasing tone of his voice and you ignore him, slowly turning around.

         “Get them off. Now.” Your hand is on your hip as you glare at your boyfriend from across the room. You see him take a deep breath, eyes taking you in. His pupils are dilated, betraying his excitement he’d tried to hide with his teasing.

         You toss the things onto the bed as he scrambles out of his clothes, you slowly taking them off as you walk towards him. You’re wearing the pale blue that happens to be his favourite. Sitting down in front of him on the bed, you grab the rope from beside your body and you crawl over him. You kiss him deeply, hands grabbing his as the two of you get lost within each other. You pull away panting when you’ve managed to maneuver his hands above his head, grinning down at your dazed boyfriend.

         You quickly tie his wrists together, tying his wrists to bedpost behind him as you go back down to kiss his neck, slowly, sensually. He groans, trying to grind his hips up from underneath you. You move to sit down above his hips so he can’t do anything, the tent in his boxers obvious.

         “You don’t get anything yet Sho, don’t be impatient.” He whines a bit at that, but stops wiggling around. You go back down, pressing open mouthed kisses to his chest, leaving marks every few kisses and he grunts in approval.

         After marking him up a bit, you ease off of him, looking to get the thick and soft eye mask you’d gotten and turn to him.

         “Ready?”

         “Yeah, let’s do it Y/N.” You love how dishevelled he looks just from the small make out sessions the two of you had, his cheeks red and breathing thinner than usual. You carefully ease the blindfold over his eyes and kiss him gently. You admire your handiwork and stroke his hair. You can feel him shudder beneath you; he loves it when you stroke his hair.

         “Feels ok, Sho?” He nods once in assent. “Alright then let’s see how this feels then.” You begin working you way down his body, hands smoothly going down caressing the taught muscles of his sides. You leave marks all down his body and he groans in pleasure at the sting of the bites. You love to mark him almost as much as he likes to mark you, and you love the way the red and purple bites look on his pale skin.

         When you reach his boxers, you’re unsurprised to find them stained with precum, his length still straining against the fabric of his clothes. You slowly wiggle them down and his cock springs up to slap his stomach. He lets out a sigh of relief that turns into a stifled moan as you like a stripe from the bottom of his cock to the tip, teasing the tip with swirls from your tongue.

         You take the head into your mouth and he bucks his hips upwards, trying to get you to stop teasing him. You pull off completely and he groans in frustration.

         “Be good and just sit there Sho, or else I won’t let you cum at all, how’s about that?”

         “No, don’t do that, I’ll stay still. Just please get on with it, it feels so good…”

         “Don’t make me stop you again.” You warn, and he shakes his head almost frantically.

         Taking him once again into your mouth, still slowly, you notice he’s straining so hard against his impulses to fuck upwards into your mouth. Seeing him do this for you fills you with power and lust, and you suddenly take him deep in your throat, your nose tickling his neatly trimmed pubes.

         “Fuck!” he shouts out in surprise. “God you feel so fucking good babe, you’re so good to me!” Bolstered by his praise, you continue to bob your head, quicker than before. You feel your own slick dampening your panties and you hear the noises he’s making, loving how wrecked he sounds. You look up to see his head thrown back and your hand goes up to play with his balls.

         He must like that, because he cums without warning, leg muscles tensing up as thick ropes of cum shoot down your throat. You swallow it all with a little difficulty and pull off of him. He’s breathing heavily, his dick now soft again, but you know with what you have planned, that won’t be the case for very long.

         “That’s just the start Sho. I have a bit more for you.” You say, grabbing the nipple clamps from beside you. You circle the cool metal around his nipples until the pebble up and you clamp the first one down, which he takes stoically. The second one however, elicits a soft whimper from him. “Ah, but you’ve done this a few times before, babe. Does it feel different now?”

         “Better,” he chokes out. “It feels better.”

         “Well that’s what I was hoping for, so that’s good for me to hear.” Having said that, you grab the chocolate sauce you’d gotten and click open the cap. “You know what I have, don’t you Shotou?”

         “Something in a bottle, I don’t think its lube?”

         “It’s not.” You then start to pour some of the sauce down his stomach, putting some up by his collar bones and neck. “Keep your mouth closed.” He nods once more as you pour some of the sauce onto his lips. Leaning down, you start kissing him, tasting the sweet chocolate, and he takes that as an open invitation to open his own mouth and get a tast for himself.

         You stay there, making out with him, the sweetness making it more fun, until you pull back and start licking away the sauce on his neck.

         “Ah, your tongue shouldn’t be allowed to move like that! How am I supposed to stand a chance?” His voice is pitched low with arousal. You smirk against his skin, but don’t answer, continuing to enjoy the sweet moans – and sauce – as long as you could.

         However, after moving down to his stomach, his noises, cut off. You look up and see the reason why, he’s bitten his lip to keep from crying out anymore. That won’t do.

         “Shouto, I want to hear you, pretty boy. Stop biting your lip please, or else I won’t ride you like I planned and you can use your hand.”

         “No, no. Alright fine. You’re picky today.”

         “I’m going to do you a favour and ignore that one.” You slip off your panties, seeing as he’s hard again as you straddle him. You loved riding him, it was so fun to set the pace and make a mess of him.

         You line yourself up, and ease yourself down slowly. You wince a little from the stretch, so caught up that you’d forgotten to prep yourself, but with a few rolls of your hips you got him completely inside you. The vein on the underside of his cock felt as good as always, and you teasingly clenched your muscles and Shouto let out another set of curses that would have his PR team in tears had he said that in public.

         Laughing slightly, you begin to bring your hips up slowly, and slam them down all the way. As you set a pace, Shouto catches on and starts bucking up into you as you slam down, hitting deep into your pussy, and you let out a cry of surprise and pleasure.

         “Shit, Shouto! Just like that!” you can feel yourself clenching in pleasure around him, the entire situation and the stimulation of your clit slapping against his hips bringing you closer and closer to your own orgasm.

         Shouto must sense this, because as you falter, he thrusts up into you harder, grunting at the exertion, having to do it without much help with his arms. He manages to hit that spot inside you that has you seeing stars and crying out his name as you clamp down on his cock and cum. With a final thrust deep inside you, Shouto comes as well, releasing once again and then sinking into the mattress.

         You ease yourself off, whispering sweet nothings to your boyfriend and lying down beside him, running your fingers through his soft and silky hair. You feel blissed out from you orgasm so you forget that he’s tied up and can’t take off the blindfold.

         “Hey, Y/N? I do love having you snuggled against me, but I think it’s way better when I can actually hold you.”

         “Oh my god, I’m sorry Sho!” you quickly scramble up, untying his wrists from the bedposts and each other. You hold his much larger hands in your own, kissing at the slightly irritated skin that came from the bindings. You do the same thing, showing lots of love and care to his chest as well after removing the clamps. Throughout this, you hear sighs of satisfaction and pleasure from your boyfriend.

         You slowly take off the blindfold as look into his eyes. He grabs your face gently, guiding you in for a kiss that’s all sweet and slow. You sigh as he pulls away, and you set your head down onto his chest, looking up at his face. He stares back at you, lovingly.

         “So? Yes, no, maybe?”

         He chuckles. “Yes, way better than the swing.”

         “When are you going to drop the damn swing already?”

         “Hey, I didn’t drop it, it dropped me.” You groan and stick your face into his chest. “In all seriousness, it was really different. But in a good way.”

         “I’m glad. You feeling a bit more relaxed?”

         “Yes, but I’m sure I’ll feel even more relaxed if we can clean up and cuddle a bit.” You laugh at the rather pointed suggestion.

         “Alright, princess. Let’s go get us all cleaned up then.”

[belle-licks-toes-blog]

Jeff the Killer x Reader

The rapping of fingertips against the table bothered you to no end. The empty but petrifying glint in his eyes said it all, and yet, his fingers still felt the need to control the situation. Your bottoms were both glued to the seat, each for two different extremes of emotion.

Jeffrey Woods. All that anyone could ever ask for in a boyfriend; loyal, hot, romantic, blood dripped murderer. Hell, he's got a brother that's out to kill him, what fan-girl isnt practically soiling their panties trying to get to be near him? Not you, with the moment presented with tightly enraptured arms around your need to stay in the seat, if only to settle a part of the score that he was clearly aggravated by.

The drumming stopped, time stood still, the silence, deafening. Now you wished his pasty white fingers would continue with the terribly made serenade for your virgin ears. His look intensifies, as he takes in a breath through his cuts in his cheeks, not bothering to unhinge his jaw or breathe through his nostrils.

"Do you even really love me?" You stop breathing, if only for a second. You avert your eyes from his baby blues to his beautiful jet black hair, reminiscent of silk. You release the breath held in. You know the answer to this.

"What has you convinced otherwise?" You respond, your eyes wandering all the way to the tan wall behind Jeff. You can't seem to look at him right now, you just cannot look into his eyes anymore. If you look into his eyes, you will get lost in them completely and respond without the verbal block that you often almost nearly surround yourself with. The feeling that this conversation is very important to the future of your relationship lingers and spreads through you slowly, bringing you to reality, luckily, and you focus on trying to fix things with the thoughts in your very head. Think, (Y/N), think.

He finally responds, taking your wandering gaze in with a type of offense that would deem worthy of public execution. The judge opens, "Do you love the real me, or do you love my basic qualities?" and closes once more. How the tension hurts your very soul.

You think for a moment. Surface level, he is a cold, arrogant man, who kills for sport, only sparing you for your looks and your benevolence. But, deep down, you know who he is. You know his heart, and what it means to the world. He's trying to do good, but he hasn't thought it through to a good enough solution yet. He's willing to do anything for the good of humanity. He wants us to be better, beautiful, so we can rest.

"Of course I love you. I love... You. It's hard to describe." You know you sound vague and dreamy, but that isn't enough.

He slams his hands on the table, the nails and the tile floor all making a clang sound that hurts your ears and makes you jump.

"If you love me, why can't you tell me?! What the fuck makes you love me?! I, I... I don't know if I'm even good enough to love anymore," he reveals. You feel your heart shatter the way his has been for a long time. He's felt horrible, and all you've been doing is being quiet and holding him, petting him like an unwise animal companion.

"Jeff, listen, I-"

"This is the longest conversation we've had in fucking months! This is the most I've gotten out of you! Why the hell are you trying to convince me you care now, when it's all going to shit?!" Fuck. That was it. The thing that finally brought all the unspoken emotions out. You know you have to go to not cry in front of him. You go everytime you have to cry, to a different spot in the woods everytime, and he has never found you. You decided that's what you should do. You absolutely must go.

"I-Im sorry, I'll go, you're better without m-me right now" you say, struggling to hold in tears. You feel your chest drop, your heart sinking down to the pits of your stomach as you feel a type of sadness the philosophers could only wish they knew. The air in the room suddenly got more blue. Blue is an emotion, an aura, a terrible feeling that he's going to both fuck things up and fix them again, like he normally does.

You run out knowing this, being the empath you are, and go to a familiar spot this time, far away from the cabin but also close enough to be able to walk back without collapsing somewhere not near the door. You begin to cry harder than you ever have this time.

All the stress comes pouring out of you, spilling out like a waterfall of terrible feelings. You want to say so much to him, but you can't, because you might lose him if you say something wrong. You've lost people before due to your loud mouth, so you've shut it off completely, becoming a mute version of your true self. It hurts doing this, but you do this to keep people from running away. It's the only thing you know how to do now, and you can trust no one to listen. You've come to accept this, and learned this through times of thinking and bullying yourself while alone as true.

"fuck, I just, fuck, how the fuck do I even talk to anyone" you say out loud, finally deciding to talk to yourself. It was quiet out, sans the loud owls in the night and the passing of far off motorcycles that had always seemed to annoy you.

"I just, he's so fucking good to me, and I don't deserve shit, just, what the fuck," you start shaking and crying and hiccuping, all due to you bullying yourself. It hurts it hurts it hurts, you repeat in your heart. Your body is writhing in pain from the emotional hell your mind is fucking you completely with, and you can't focus on trying to stop crying. Your body is going to be in shock if you don't get your emotions controlled.

You keep on mumbling and stumbling through your words in quiet but loud and coherent murmurs, all the shit you're saying as "I don't deserve shit I don't deserve shit he should just leave and be with someone better". You're in fetal position on the ground, holding your arms with your hands.

You stop breathing, shaking more, struggling to get air in. Oh God, oh God, oh God, your mind is racing too fast for your silent hitched rambling to even catch up to. You can feel yourself having a panic attack.

You hear footsteps approaching you. The tree you're up against, you shaking like a tattered dress in a tornado, does you no justice, as your finder's discovery makes him stop.

He cannot believe his eyes right now. You look so pathetic and helpless, and you are trembling, moving your lips but no sound is coming out. He feels himself breaking at this sight. He's never seen you like this, he doesn't know what to do!

He gets an idea. He sits down next to you, and places his hand on your shoulder. You immediately recognise the callouses and their rough as rocks feeling against your being, despite the fact that you're wearing a long sleeved black shirt right now. Your heart drops the farthest it's ever been, and you start crying again. He, shocked, still places his hand on your shoulder, much more firm and comforting. He rubs it up and down your arm, slowly, soothingly.

Jeff begins to hum a tune. It's no tune in particular, he just goes along. He stares off, because that's all he can do, with his eyelids being removed, and he hums. The notes, high and low, in perfect harmony, bring you back to life. You're breathing again, your shoulders still shaking ever so slightly. He is still humming.

You get up, trembling nervously, and hug him. He stops his tune. He rubs circles into your back, and you can't help but start crying lightly into his shoulder.

You pull back, and look into his eyes. He is telling you he cares right now, just by the gaze, and the emotion he carries. He cannot blink away his thoughts, and you're glad you can read him.

You lay your head in his lap.

"I'm sorry. I should ha-" you abruptly interrupt.

"No, I am. You have no reason to say sorry."

Woods would never have expected you to interrupt him. You surprise him yet again.

"please, tell me whats wrong?" He asks politely, almost too so. He looks at you, and you melt. You've lost yourself in his eyes, and you begin to pour the tea thats been left in your boiling pot for too long. It's been around the time for a new pot to be made, but there were absolutely no reminders from anyone who could have cared. Until now.

[hippityhoppityyourenowmyproperty]

Reset!Rant (part 4)

Blackout

Chapter: 1

Thad: "Even though Craydl was programmed to obey my dear grandfather over me, he still could hold a conversation and be useful. While you have some rudimentary communicative abilities, it's not the same. I could say the same of Bart."

This is a put down that comes out of the blue and it shows how normal it has become for Thad to resort to insulting Bart. This insult is especially tasteless when you remember that a lot of ND people have problems with verbal communication/talk too fast/talk too loud or too quiet/have trouble expressing their thought and can go nonverbal. So yeah, basically another slice at Bart for having ADHD, wouldn't you know it.

Thad's vision blacked out and he grabbed the washing machine for stability. If felt as if the bottom fell out of his world. He knew this feeling all too well now, but it had never been as bad as this. He staggered away from the laundry and into the kitchen to sit.

.................................... Helen's voice echoed from the kitchen. "Thad? I just got a call from the school. Bart passed out in class and I'm going to pick him up. I'll be home soon." When Helen returned home with Bart, Thaddeus was waiting in the kitchen with a smirk on his face. "You passed out?" Bart scowled and stomped off to dump his backpack and jacket off on his bedroom floor. Thaddeus snorted, still sneering.

Making fun of someone because they showed physical weakness, that's stereotypical school yard bullying right there. "Haha look at you you loser! You passed out. You're such a weakling!" Thad is so...pathetic in this. He is so desperate for power, so desperate to be superior to Bart. He waited all this time in the kitchen just so that he could throw Bart this line. He clinges to everythign that will make him appear better than Bart. He obssessively seeks out every little one of his flaws and mistakes in order to maintain his big ego. It's almost pittyful. Of course he snots at Bart, of course he is behaving as condescending as possible. Thad is the kind of person who kicks someone who's already on the ground. This is just...So ugly to read. Hey Thad, you nearly passed out earlier this day, I don't see you shaming yourself for being weak. What's the difference? What's making you so special that you don't deserve to be shamed for it?

Hey Helen, you're just going to ignore Thad very obviously and viciously bullying the closest person you have to a son? You're not gonna repriment him for it so that he won't continue to destroy Bart's self esteem and his mental health? No? Great, it would be very confusing if you suddenly started being a responsible parent.

Thaddeus leaned against the doorway with crossed arms. "You're pathetic." He sneered.

Funny that you mention it, have you looked in the mirror lately?

Chapter: 2

Mike gestured to Bart's injuries. "You could say that you got hit in the face with a basketball or something." Bart slung the bag over his shoulder and pushed the bathroom door open. Maybe he could just go home? No, Thad was there, and he didn't want to listen to his evil twin berate him about getting bloodied in a fight.

Through his frequent put downs, Thad now made Bart afraid to show weakness. He knows that Thad will make fun of his vulnerability and won't be of any help to him.

Thad: "No moron, I'm playing with a tesseract puzzle." His voice was dripping with condescending sarcasm. "What else would I be doing?"

Another put down out of the blue. And a very sordid one, I might add.

Chapter: 3

A commotion in the backyard grabbed her attention and she saw Bart and Thad duking it out again. "Oh, for the love of...Wally, I'll call you back. The boys are really at it this time. I swear, Thad needs to get out of the house and get a life, and Bart needs to stop antagonizing him."

Hmm, that's odd. I could've sworn that Thad was the one who constantly ripped on Bart, was a dick to him and provoked Bart with "You've got ADHD so you're dumb" insults, and Bart was the one who remained friendly despite having to endure insult after insult without retailiating. Are you referring to the times Bart called Thad a jerk and said "Like you're any better"? Are those the oh so bad words Bart calls Thad that justify you saying "He's antagonizing him"? Because, and maybe that's just me, but calling someone who is neurodivergent a r*tard, moron, idiot, shortbus, brainless, annoying, destructive, a nuisance, hyperactive, embarrassing, dense, pathetic, saying that they have "Rudimentary communicative abilities", that they "probably got distracted with by something shiny" and implying over and over again that they're stupid and useless, that you see it as a disgrace to be related to them, that you'd like to beat them up, (and actually beating them up) and that they're inferior to you because of aspects of their personality they can't control is a bit worse than saying "Jerk" to defend yourself in response to being called those insults. And somehow we should believe that Bart is the one who is antagonizing Thad? What the fuck is wrong with you people? Thad is so obviously abusing Bart in this, I don't know how anyone couldn't see this. Screw Helen, she has no sense of fairness and justice when it comes to Bart's treatment. Do I have to explain the word favoritism? How come she lets Thad get away with was worse stuff? Why doesn't she chew him out for all the stuff he put Bart through? He was very clearly shaming him for having ADHD im Helen's presence, and she didn't do shit.

I'm 100% sure Thad started this conflict with some "You're inferior to me" comment and was also the one who got physical first.

Helen: "You don't even know?! Get in here and go to your rooms!" The boys let go of each other and sulked past Helen. "I swear you two, if you were girls, I would be blaming hormones for these outbursts."

Yeah, let's just casually ignore the fact that testosterones are the hormones that increase aggressive behavior and that boys produce about 16× more testosterone than girls, and that men are known to be quicker to express their anger through violence than women. (Cite: Men vs. Women: Hormones; a transgender perspective, Why do women and men respond differently to anger? PsychCentral) I guess I can add "sexist" to the list of things that make Helen an unlikable person. Also, glad to know that she now cares about breaking up a fight between them. Play fighting for fun in the yard? Absolutely not! What were you thinking? Why do you act like that? You should know better! Shady sparring fight in the streets? Sure Thad go ahead! Nothing wrong with beating up your brother to release your anger!

Chapter: 4

Thad answered with a smirk, "That you're a hyperactive brat who would just get more destructive when introduced to sizable amounts of caffeine."

Bart glowered and crossed his arms. "Shut up! I am not!" Thad lifted his chin in victory. "See? Hit the matk. I'm right."

Both Helen and Konner sit next to Bart and they say nothing in response.

Kon chuckled as Bart settled down at the table. "Man, I kinda missed that."

"Missed what?" Bart asked.

"You driving people nuts. Inertia's not Rob or Wondy but he flips out pretty fast." Thad snarled at Kon, "They don't have to live with him!"

Bart has been nothing but nice to Thad. Bart is the one who has to live with Thad's constant belittling. Thad has deluded himself into believing that he is the victim here, but he's really not. Bart is. Bart has been trying to help Thad, even though he was a total douchebag who constantly humiliated him. Bart has to live with Thad.

Chapter: 5

Kon: "Seriously, don't you have any other modes than "up yours" or "sideways"? You're going to die a lonely virgin life if you keep this up. Yeah, I get that your childhood was stolen by an evil madman and all, but you're preaching to the choir here. Dude, get over it. We did." Thad's glare darkened and he clenched his fist. Lunging forward with a punch, he stopped just short striking Kon. Shaking with fury, Thad backed away and left the kitchen. Bart sighed and leaned against the kitchen counter. "He's gonna need to spar today and I'm all beat up already."

"You don't have to be his punching back."

"I'm not a punching back. I hit back."

I agree with Kon up until the "just get over it" part. It's nice to see someone finally calling Thad out on his demanding and shitty attitude, but telling an abuse victim to "just get over it" isn't good advice, either. What Kon should have told him was that Thad should work on his behavior and that him having been abused doesn't make it okay for him to abuse others.

The dialoge after that between Kon and Bart is another attempt on the author's part of justifying this situation. The "I hit back" isn't very encouraging when you consider that Thad is a way better fighter than Bart. The "He needs to spar today and I'm all beat up already" makes it very clear that Bart would rather not participate in a duel, but does it anyway because he feels pressured to keep Thad's emotions in check. Without Bart sacrificing his own well being, Thad would've gotten himself into a lot of trouble by beating up random people in blind rage. And Bart knows this. Despite what this sentence is trying to make you belive, their fights aren't balanced. Thad can easily overpower and outsmart him in a duel. At the end of the day, Bart is still his punching back.

Chapter: 5

Seeking Thad out, Bart found him in the library, talking with a couple of upperclassmen girls. Bart pulled him aside, much to Thad's annoyance. "I'm gonna need some help. Eddie's-" "Not my problem," Thad interrupted. "I don't care what's going on." "Look, getting beat up was just the start of it. He's-" "Not. My. Problem." Thad turned away from Bart. "If he got himself into it, he can get himself out of it. This is a waste of my time." "I just want you to back me up."

This kind of sums up what kind of person Thad is. He takes and take but doesn't repay the favors. He's cold and has no compassion. It doesn't matter to him what Bart did for him, and that he vouched for him. And going by Thad's logic, Max and Bart shouldn't have offered Thad to stay with them because; If he got himself into this situation, he can get himself out of it! Not our problem, we don't care what's going on!

Thad knows that Bart is going to do something really dangerous and could get seriously injured or even die, and he still doesn't give a fuck. He hasn't learned to care for Bart one bit.

Bart grinned at him. "You came."

"Max wanted us to take care of each other," Thad remined. "Letting you get pounded into a smear is a violation of those orders."

This is Thad admitting that the only thing that made him help is Max. I'm 100% certain that Thad would've gladly stood by and watched Bart die if it wasn't for Max. Thad still hates Bart's guts for whatever reason, and he actively shows him that every chance he gets.

Chapter: 7

"Obviously, I got my intelligence from both of our grandfathers. Pity that means there wasn't any left for you."

Hey Thad? How about you shut up and not smack talk Bart every chance you get? It would make you less of a person that deserves to get hit multiple times in the teeth with a brick. This is, very obviously, another put down directed at Bart's ADHD that is disguised as a joke.

Jerking his head up, Bart nodded. "You would do that?" "What kind of evil twin do you think I am?" Thad huffed in mock offense. "I only beat you up and ridicule your intelligence, not withhold precious words of wisdom that can be thrown in Wally's face whenever he gets his tights in a wad about you not being the perfect little sidekick. He treated Bart to a wicked grin. Legacies are more than a name and a costume."

Oh don't worry Thad, you're not the evil clone, you're just the abusive, selfish, cold hearted, self entitled, manipulative, egotistical brother. Yes, you 'only' did those things. They are still reprehensible and loathsome. They will still mess up a person and are unforgivable. Turning your actions into a joke doesn't make them funny or acceptable. The fact that he admits to his wrongdoings but doesn't see them as reprehensible speaks volume about his personality. He talks about his crude actions with such satisfaction and confidence as if he were proud of them. After everything I read about Thad in this, it's very likely that he is.

And the reason why he does Bart a favor here? Again, just doing it for himself. He tells Bart these things not becaus he likes Bart, but becaus he dislikes Wally for that whole legacy thing and wants him to suffer. Thad is self projecting about his issues with his legacy.

[aplpaca]

1, 19, 20

thanks for asking! (this ended up being hella long so thats why its kinda late)

1: Did you discover that you are autistic early or later in life? How do you think it affected you?i had an “unofficial” diagnosis when i was like 4 (unofficial bc i was “on the spectrum but didnt meet all the criteria for an official diagnosis” aka i could talk and wasnt a boy) but because it was unofficial there wasnt really anything that could be done with it, so it wasnt considered significant and i didnt think much of it.    

i didnt actually “figure it out” till towards the end of high school, and what really made me consider it was how much i related to posts by autistic people talking about traits and experiences.  and it was super “freeing” i guess cause it was like realizing that id been viewing myself wrong for most of my life? that my difficulties werent because i hadnt “nurtured” them the right way and my interests and talents werent some warped form of compensation.  like a mental shift from “im a defective version of other people” to “im a perfectly decent version of myself”. 

kinda like if youd been taking care of a “weird bush”, getting confused that it was different from the other ones, and then realized the bush was actually a cactus.  but now that you know, you can figure out how to grow a healthy cactus instead of overwatering it in the hopes it will look like a bush   

19: What, in your opinion, is the most ridiculous autism myth or stereotype?theres a lot of those but the stereotype of autism being a young white boy thing is definitely up there in terms of perpetuating inequalities like afab people and poc are diagnosed less frequently and misdiagnosed a lot more, especially when theyre not kids anymoreless institutional for this one, but a lot of non-autistic people act like theyre able to intuitively tell if someone is or isnt autistic? when their knowledge is based on one autistic person they know of, or a mix of pop culture and maybe an intro to psych class.  like “*person* cant be autistic they do *thing that isnt mutually exclusive to being autistic*” or “are you sure youre autistic cause youre not like my younger brother”  

20: How would you describe autism to someone who knows nothing about it?im not exactly sure how to answer this concisely and still give some actual background on being autistic but heres some traits (under the read-more since this is pretty long already)

social interactions

casual conversation comes a lot less naturally for you than for others (like for me it feels kinda like trying to do a card trade when youre deck is out of order or when youre taking too long trying to find the right amount of money to give the cashier)

even if youre pretty sarcastic yourself, you might have trouble recognizing when other people are doing it (maybe responding to them as if they were serious, then realizing it was sarcasm afterwards)

difficulty with timing in conversations - accidentally interrupting a lot or not knowing when to start talking in groups

takes a lot longer for you to make friends than most people, even when actively trying

might have difficulty telling peoples feelings from their facial expressions or tone of voice, may accidentally overstep boundaries as a result

language/expression differences

speaking might not come naturally as a form of expression, might be more comfortable writing or using another method, especially on more personal topics

might be more or less facially expressive than most people (”resting bitch face” or finding it really hard to hide emotions)

might go nonverbal at times (or all the time) - talking feels physically difficult and takes more energy than usual, can happen with stress or just randomly

sensory stuff

hypo or hypersensitivities - more bothered by loud noise or bright light than others, being a lot more sensitive to fabric and clothing, needing certain levels of noise to be comfortable, “picky” eating (especially related to texture), sitting normally in chairs is uncomfortable, more or less reactive to certain smells

stimming because it feels nice, helps focus, relieves stress - fidgeting, Need To Move, leg bouncing, rocking, repeating phrases/noises because they sound/feel nice, hair twirling, feeling certain textures, pressure (heavy blankets, tight clothing, etc),

sensory overload when overstimulated (often in loud/bright/crowded/etc areas), may have trouble processing all information at once, get irritated by small sounds, may get dizzy, can trigger anxiety, restless energy, trouble focusing, places others are fine with may feel very chaotic to you (eg: a mall or supermarket), symptoms lessen when away from situation

various other things

special interests - if you like something you really like it no middle ground (”obsessed or nothing”), avidly pursue more info/content relating to it, feel an intense need to talk about these interests with others, could spend hours a day on these interests without getting bored  

executive dysfunction - procrastination, difficulty planning ahead, trouble with time management, distracted easily, trouble staying on task, difficulty multi-tasking, having trouble making yourself do something even when you want to get it done

unexpected events or changes in routine (even small things and even if your schedule is not busy) are stressful, might cause you to freeze up,  can take a long time to get used to

auditory processing difficulties - “sorry can you repeat that”, comprehending what someone said when theyre halfway through repeating it, following verbal instructions is hella confusing (“i know what those words mean and i know what that sentence means but i have no clue what im supposed to be doing”)

detail oriented - needing to know specific details and reasons behind things to remember them better, noticing lots of things others dont

good at coming up with unique ideas, different thinking approach leads you to problem-solve in ways others might not

i could write more but ima stop now, i think ive prob info-dumped enough

[jewishnurse]

The strong and scary patients

Most of the people you come across as patients in the hospital won’t try to hurt you. Of the ones who do, some do it on purpose or on accident because of their medical condition. Both are no fun to deal with, the first one pisses me off more.

Awhile ago I had a patient, lets call him Mr. O. He was old, weak in his legs and got confused at night, sundowning as they call it. This occurred pretty quickly. The orientation questions we ask patients: Do you know where you are? What year is it? Is it daytime or nighttime? Who is the president? What is your name? Etc. The answers to these questions can change rapidly and quite drastically. The answers can go from semi normal to out of this world, literally. That’s a story for another time.

So this man, Mr. O, he was a very nice man normally, loved to chat and always kept himself busy with crosswords or coloring for fun. He also enjoyed a good documentary during the daytime when things got slow for his care. This sundowning that he did occurred without much warning, although I knew it would, just not when, it would happen. He first seemed to forget it was sleeping time. He began to think we were in his home. Then he thought it was a prison, which is a common confusion among patients who sundown. When someone looks frail and old, don’t underestimate their abilities to take you down during this confused state. The man didn’t feel pain from his massive surgery, didn’t even flinch when he tried to escape from the unit, eloping we call it.

He stayed in the hallway and wouldn’t leave. Screaming and disrupting our other confused patients, we tried to de-escalate the situation. The way that sounds makes it seem we chat and calm him and get things back to normal. If only this were true. He began to try to hit us, kick us and he even put a curse on us. Spitting usually comes with the territory. The easiest part of this, he had no drains attached or anything that would cause bleeding or limbs to fall off or break.

We had to call something that is basically a code for when a patient becomes uncontrollable in a situation where more people are needed and more specialists are needed, like psychology, to assess the situation. After we called this code, you could hear it overhead in the hospital speaker system. While other units probably could see a young person causing a disruption or a middle aged person becoming upset at their care, this was a very old person, who at first sight looked like he could fall with a simple push of your pinky. Let that be a lesson, don’t underestimate the strength in someone who doesn’t understand even the slightest bit of reality.

Multiple hospital officers came, along with the psych department, the patients surgical team as well as some people from the unit and head of nursing for the hospital staff. He began to try to throw punches that barely made the officers flinch, although I could see the surprise in their face when this happened. The staff that responded were calm, not shouting, nothing in their hands and kept their faces in a neutral look. Eventually the officers took a “walk” with the patient which led back to his room. Some medications, restraints and call to the family awhile later, solved the current problem at hand. However this was one night. For the rest of the stay, the patient had moments like this. Scary for the family, staff and patient as well.

During the following day, the patient was told why he had restraints on, he didn’t believe his ears. He had this sad face on, concerned about us and wanted to make sure nobody was hurt in this incident. It truly is sad when our minds are no longer under our control.

The next patient that I had with the same code announced was Mrs. Y. She wasn’t old, wasn’t young either, but strong in her arms and legs, not something you want in a confused patient. Her diagnosis wasn’t tricky or rare, seemed like a simple case of medications, physical therapy and rest. Despite the simple sounding diagnosis and treatment, it was far from it. She would become upset at the simplest little change in light or darkness in the room, staff members in the room and even when a medication was mentioned. The unpredictability became her biggest trigger. Ironically that part became predictable.

One day I was going to give her a medication, nothing extreme, it was one pill, not large and something she had taken before. I didn’t see it as something huge for her, but was cautioned just the same. As I walked in the room she became almost manic. She was rambling on about nothing, upset at my lack of response or understanding and seemed to be fed off of the simple reactions I had, even the non verbal ones. She had this look in her face, something I had seen in patients who attack their nurses or want to. I stayed by the door for a quick escape just in case. I left the room shortly thereafter and the room stayed calm for a bit. While cleaning up an incontinent patient I got a call. My gloves covered in poop, wipes all over the bed and not even close to finishing up with the patient. My PCT then got the phone from my pocket and I could hear a loud noise and words like “bed”, “sheets”, “tearing”, “belligerent”. None of the words sounded to get better as I listened to the conversation. I didn’t have to hear more to know what I was getting myself into, going back into that room.

I walked back to the room and found Mrs. Y on the top of the bed, sitting like a monkey with her knees to her chest, arms around her legs and food stuffed all around her. She had crumbs everywhere, medical supplies on the floor and this pacing look on her face. Pacing, closed fist and not talking are big non verbal cues of anger and a possible outburst. She showed all of the signs. She was in the perfect spot to fall, hit her head, end up with a TBI or worse, death. All nurses fear the day their patient falls and it’s not a simple day of paperwork or further education with the patient and their family members.

This patient, Mrs. Y, started to try to move from the bed, to the chair, to the doorway. She was becoming more manic by the second. I called in another nurse for backup and more manpower if needed. I then made the call I didn’t want to make. This usually opens a can of worms for some, however, she was well-known in the officer community at this hospital. Lots of these code strongs had been called for her. It normally required some medication, IM or IV depending on the incident in front of us, a psych consult and a report about what led you to call the code strong.

You would think a sedating medication would help with this, but no, it didn’t not. If anything it calmed the manic behavior, but continued her appetite for no sleep and more talking. Mrs. Y is a classic example of this code strong we call in hospitals. Luckily nobody was hurt and the patient was safe without any incident.

Saving the best one for last, of course.

Where would we be without the challenge that tests our abilities with language, bodily fluids and insults.

I had a shift once where I was talking with a patient about general medical concerns, nothing drastic. I could hear a loud noise, someone’s voice, but nothing specific. I opened the patient’s door and heard a language I couldn’t speak and loads of English where words like “calm down”, “don’t hit”, “my arm!” And more were said. I could tell the situation wasn’t getting any calmer so I decided to go assist the nurse with this patient. My language abilities aren’t vast and the ones I do know, besides English, I can survive shopping, asking about how people are and going to the bathroom. Nothing exciting or helpful in this setting.

I walk into the room and see an older lady, let’s call her Mrs. S, screaming at staff, trying to hit people, calling the nurses whores in her language and more that I am glad I didn’t understand. She didn’t have her dentures in, but despite this fact, she still attempted to bite the staff preventing her from falling off of the bed. Even with all of the effort put into this incident, we still had to make the call for a code strong. Officers came, psych came etc. It was a fiasco in two languages. It was as chaotic as it sounds, probably more. She continued to curse us, try to bite us, scratch us and more. It was more amusing than scary luckily.

It seems insensitive to call it amusing, however in the nursing world, if you can’t laugh at what stresses you out, you will go mad.

Code strongs are sometimes, but not always predictable. When they happen you need a good team of nurses, security, psychologists and more to assist with the patient and what is causing them to get aggressive or just in general, act out of character.

[divineoath-a]

Mun Comfort Zone

repost, don’t reblog!

a valuable meme for any roleplayer! come display your comfort levels so your roleplay partners are aware of what they can do, and of what they should avoid! a healthy relationship between role-play partners is the key to a good time! while this meme shows the basics, please remember to communicate with your roleplay partners!

KEY:

bold italics: fuck yes! bold: yes. normal: sometimes/conditional. italics: ask me about it. strike: no.

tagged by: Stole it off my dash tagging: Anyone that would like to do it!

ROLEPLAY BASICS

LOCATIONS i am comfortable doing:

tumblr email kik, IM, discord google docs skype forum other

PARTICIPANTS i am comfortable with:

one on one role plays. up to three people. up to four people. five or more people! as big as possible!

POST LENGTH

i usually write about:

one or two sentences. one or two paragraphs. two to five paragraphs. (250-500 words) more than five paragraphs. (500-1000 words)  a few pages worth.

(( So basically I generally try to match what my partner does. It depends on dynamic, muse for the thread, my partner’s respond, and type of thread for length. I go off of my partner a lot. ))

i am comfortable role-playing with people who write:

one or two sentences. one or two paragraphs. two to five paragraphs. more than five paragraphs. a few pages worth.

ROLE-PLAY REQUESTS

i like getting requests from:

anyone and everyone at any time! when i ask for roleplays. from friends and acquaintances. ( Mutuals only ) from friends only.

ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS

important: communication is the key to a real life relationship, it shouldn’t be abandoned for a fictional one either! be sure to talk to your partners when considering romance.

SHIPPING i am comfortable shipping my characters:

never. if our characters know each other deeply. if our characters know each other deeply, and i know i can trust the role-player. at the first sign of flirting! only if the role-player and i plan it.   it depends on the character.  

(( I’m always open to shipping as long as its not forced, pedophilia, incest, etc.))

if you want to ship with my characters:

talk to me about it from the start. (( If you’re interested in that right away ))  talk to me about it once our characters know each other. talk to me about it once they both have some feelings for each other. talk to me about it when they finally decide that want to go beyond hugging.

SPEED

when shipping my characters, i like the romance to happen:

swift as lightning! fast, but not super fast. happens in about three months. slow and steady wins the race. slugs know what’s up! my relationships know no speed. they happen if they happen.

SMUT when my characters get intimate, i prefer:

to skip the act entirely.  to write the build up, but skip the act.    to write the act only if it is very special, but otherwise, skip it.  to write the act all the way through.

ROMANTIC ARTWORK when it comes to artwork depicting our relationship please:

do not post it at all without talking to me. post it if it is cuddles and hugs. post it if it is kisses. post it if it is n.sfw. only post it if it depicts n.sfw privately between us. do not post it at all if it depicts sexual acts! Muns personal addition, you can add or delete

This is your art, do what you want with it but a head up is still appreciated

DRAMATICS

important: always be sure to communicate with your partner individually if you think you are about to go outside their comfort zones even just the slightest bit!

VIOLENCE when it comes to violent situations, i am comfortable with:

no violence at all! i’m fine with verbal arguments! some violence, like a paper cut, or an accidental elbow to the face. mild violence, such as punching, kicking, hair pulling. violence, such as stabbings. beyond violence, such as torture and more.

(( I’m absolutely fine depicting all violence, HOWEVER I do ask we discuss stuff prior if there are going to be serious injuries, a decision of who the victor is, and if it’s a torture scene we discuss a lot in IMs to make sure we’re both still comfortable ))

if you are going to do something violent, please:

don’t do it at all. talk to me about it first. surprise me! (( only if it’s something minor ))

AUTO-MOVING when it comes to moving/touching my character without asking me first, i am comfortable with:

non-violent, non-intimate touches, like a tap on the shoulder. intimate touches, like hair or face stroking. mildly aggressive touches, like grabbing my character’s arm or pushing them out of the way. highly aggressive touches, like shoving and non-damaging hitting. violence that will not permanently damage my character. violence that may permanently damage my character. extreme violence, such as torture. you may kill my character without asking.

DRAMATIC ARTWORK:

do not post any dramatic scenes that happened between our characters. talk to me about it before posting! post what you like!

[megaraxdimitriou]

1. Describe the character’s height and build. Is he heavyset, thin, short, rangy?

“I’m a big ol string bean, at 5′10. I’d like to say healthy because i exercise quite frequently but i pretty much stay the same weight i have for years due to my various love for food.” Meg is fit/slim, but she never turns down the opportunity to treat herself.

2. How old is he?

“I’m the big two-o.”

3. Describe his posture. Does he/she carry himself well or does he/she slouch?  

“I’m not much of a sloucher. My mom would always smack my hands at the dinner table if i was slouching even though she let my father do it. So i’d say pretty well, mostly from habit.” That and her mother had Meg take ballet classes when she was little, so bad posture was always a big no-no.

4. How is his health? Is he fit or out of shape? Any illnesses or conditions? Any physical disabilities?

“I guess fit? Haha, is sleeping in til the afternoon an illness? Because if so, you got me.” No Meg is pretty healthy physically wise.

5. How does he move? Is he clumsy, graceful, tense, fluid?

Graceful, hah that’s a laugh. I don’t know? I walk like a regular human being, is this even a real thing?” Yes it is Meg, lol. Meg is pretty relaxed in most aspects, if anything she walks casual, although sometimes if in a good mood she has a charming strut she puts on.

6. How attractive is this character physically? How does he perceive himself in the mirror?

“Meh.” Wow, Meg my god. Meg has never been one for appearances; it wasn’t until recently that Daphne got her in things like doing her hair and makeup. Meg doesn’t really care for it, but most of the time shes confident in her own skin.

7. Describe his complexion. Dark, light, clear, scarred?

“I’m not pale, but i’m not really dark either. I look i got a tan, but got out of the tanning booth halfway through. Like a golden-brown potato chip. I do get oily sometimes, it just mostly looks like i’ve been sweating though.” meg-girl. Meg is slightly tan, but in the winter her complexion lightens immensely

8. Describe his hair: color, texture, style.

“My hair is probably about upper-mid back. I usually don’t do anything with it, but it’s naturally wavy a bit. So most of the time its just down, or up in a pony tail.”

9. What color are his/her eyes?

“Hazel, but the green outshines the most. My mom always use to call them Σμαράγδια της θάλασσα, which translated means Emeralds of the sea.

10. Does the character have any other noteworthy features?

“I’d like to think my eyes, and i have a lil freckle above my lip that draws a bit of attention. Whether good or bad i’m not really sure which.”

11. What are his/her chief tension centers?

“I guess my shoulders.” Shoulders/Upper back.

12. What is the character’s wardrobe like? Casual, dressy, utilitarian? Bright colors, pastels, neutrals? Is it varied, or does he/she have six of the same suit?

“I don’t know, i don’t feel like what i wear falls under any certain type of fashion style. I just wear whit i like.” Meg can go from casual to classy as hell. It just depends how shes feeling and what shes dressing up for. Most of her clothes are either dark's or neutrals, but there is some pops of color in there.

Most of the time she is dressed up like this (x) (x) (x) (x) (x)

13. Do his/her clothes fit well? Does he/she seem comfortable in them?

“If they didn’t fit, i wouldn’t be wearing them. Sometimes i like clothes that hug my body right, sometimes i like wearing loose things that fall and hang off my sides.”

14. Does he/she dress the same on the job as he/she does in his free time? If not, what are the differences?

“Sometimes, but mostly its still casual.”

15. You knew it was coming: Boxers, briefs or commando?

Laced solid colored underwear.

Speech

1. What does this character’s voice sound like? High-pitched, deep, hoarse?

“Haven’t really thought about that much?” I’d say somewhere in the middle ground. Her voice is feminine but has strength behind it.

2. How does he/she normally speak? Loud, soft, fast, evenly? Does he/she talk easily, or does he/she hesitate?

“Normal.” Meg never raises her voice unless around Hades or shes in an argument. Other than that, no. She never really is one to hesitate.

3. Does the character have a distinct accent or dialect? Any individual quirks of pronunciation? Any, like, you know, verbal tics?

“I guess i used too. I was raised in Greece, but my mom taught me English when i was very young. She said it was always handy to know more than one language. Most of the time people can’t tell i’m from another country until i start speaking my native language.”

4. What language/s does he/she speak, and with how much fluency?

“I can speak Greek fluently since its my native language, English as well. I know a few words and phrases of Albanian and Latin, since a lot of people in Greek used a variety of languages.” 

5. Does he/she switch languages or dialects in certain situations?

“Sometimes. I speak my native language more in my head than anywhere else. Or when my mother calls.” Sometimes if Meg is flustered of angry, or it just slips from her mouth without her even realizing it.

6. Is he/she a good impromptu speaker, or does he/she have to think about his words?

“Never hesitate. Say whats on your mind.” Oh meg shaddup, you hesitate sometimes binch don’t give me that.

7. Is he/she eloquent or inarticulate? Under what circumstances might this change?

“I want to say eloquent, but honestly that sounds way more re-fined than i feel like i am?”

Mental and Emotional

1. How intelligent is this character? Is he/she book-smart or street-smart?

“Uh, both? I’d like to think i have both.” With Meg its a fair middle ground. Meg is intelligent but sometimes lacks in the motivation to do her work department. And she has plenty of street wit from Hades.

2. Does he/she think on his feet, or does he/she need time to deliberate?

“Feet. Definitely feet. Probably would’ve been as in many situatuions as i have if i put more thought into certain things...” Hahaha, *coughs* Herc *coughes loudEr* HaDES

3. Describe the character’s thought process. Is he/she more logical, or more intuitive? Idealistic or practical?

“Instinct, although sometimes more logical than if not.”

4. What kind of education has the character had?

Tbh, i’m not sure because Meg’s bio is still in the drafts and shes not listed on the dorm listings. But im pretty sure shes in University from what i remember.

5. What are his/her areas of expertise? What, if anything, is he/she interested in learning more about?

“Ah, you’d laugh. It’s kind of lame.” Meg has a love for mythology and anything to deal with that. She loves reading myths and legends. It brings out the childlike aspects in Meg.

6. Is he/she an introvert or an extrovert?

7. Describe the character’s temperament. Is he/she even-tempered or does he/she have mood swings? Cheerful or melancholy? Laid-back or driven?

“Introvert. I don’t care too much for people.” That and usually Hades got her busy/and or kept to himself a lot. It takes a certain person to make Meg and extrovert, aka Daphne/Tito.

8. How does he/she respond to new people or situations? Is he/she suspicious, relaxed, timid, enthusiastic?

“Depends on the situation or person.” Meg WILL fight for what she wants, so if on her bad side she could raise hell if she wants too. Although shes not the type of person to ask for help either. But when it comes to new people she’s suspicious in the sense she never fully can trust a person until she gets to know them better. But if she feels secure around someone she’s very laid-back.

9. Is he/she more likely to act, or to react?

“Act.”

10. Which is his/her default: fight or flight?

“Fight. Always fight.”

11. Describe the character’s sense of humor. Does he/she appreciate jokes? Puns? Gallows humor? Bathroom humor? Pranks?

“Gallows humor. I don’t care for vulgar jokes boys make. It makes me feel like i’m losing more of my brains cells from listening to something like that.”

12. Does the character have any diagnosable mental disorders? If yes, how does he/she deal with them?

“Not that i’m aware of no.” Meg doesn’t have depression, but she can feel quite lonely/or sad sometimes.

13. What moments in this character’s life have defined him/her as a person?

“I feel as if i’ve had too many of those moments.” When Megs dad died, or betraying Herc, working for Hades. There’s a lot lol.

14. What does he/she fear?

“Having my freedom taken away. Never standing up for what i want or believe in.” The irony.

15. What are his/her hopes or aspirations?

To be happy. Move on from the past and start something fresh and new.

16. What is something he/she doesn’t want anyone to find out about him/her?

She’s not as strong as puts on.

Relationships

1. Describe this character’s relationship with his/her parents.

“I’m very close to my mom. She had to raise me alone for the majority of my life  and she worked so hard to have the things i could. I could never repay her for all she’s done for me. σ'αγαπώ μαμά (I love you mama).” Meg was a big daddys girl, but her father passed away when she was 7 from a motorcycle accident.

2. Does the character have any siblings? What is/was their relationship like?

“Nope.”

3. Are there other blood relatives to whom he/she is close? Are there ones he/she can’t stand?

“Not really.”

4. Are there other, unrelated people whom he/she considers part of his family? What are his/her relationships with them?

“Not at the moment.” She’d say Hades or Peyton and Patrick since she see’s them practically all the time.  But it’s not a good relationship with Hades.

5. Who is/was the character’s best friend? How did they meet?

“Daphne. I love her.” I’m not sure how Meg met Daphne, but i’m blessed that she did.

6. Does he/she have other close friends?

“Tito for sure. He always makes me smile. I don’t know what it is. Berlioz too, even if he doesn’t want to admit it.”

7. Does he/she make friends easily, or does he/she have trouble getting along with people?

“I’m i feel it’s easy to get along with people, but sometimes people are annoying and it frustares me beyond belief.”

8. Which does he/she consider more important: family or friends?

“Family. Always Family.” Meg doesn’t have a wide variety of friends, so Family is most important to her. Especially since they’re people who feel like home to her.

9. Is the character single, married, divorced, widowed? Has he/she been married more than once?

“Single? ha, married? I’m not sure that will ever happen.”

10. Is he/she currently in a romantic relationship with someone other than a spouse?

“Uh, no?”

11. Who was his/her first crush? Who is his/her latest?

“Uh, well there was this boy from my home town. I mean he was sweet and really naive, but i think thats what i liked most about him. Just the pure innocence about him, and i fucked it up. What a surprise. I hope he's doing okay. Recently? No-” Bish talking about Herc, and we all know who Meg is talking about recently bish i see you

12. What does he/she look for in a romantic partner?

“Someone i can hold real conversations with, someone i can laugh and be myself around.” Meg is simple she just wants someone is going to be there for her, even if she doesn’t necessarily need it.

13. Does the character have children? Grandchildren? If yes, how does he/she relate to them? If no, does he/she want any?

“I don’t want to even phantom the thought of having kids right now. But maybe someday.” 

14. Does he/she have any rivals or enemies?

Meg doesn’t want to answer this question because she doesn’t want Hades to over-hear lmao.

15. What is the character’s sexual orientation? Where does he/she fall on the Kinsey scale?

“I’d rather boys, but intelligent ones.” Probably 0 or 2.

16. How does he/she feel about sex? How important is it to him/her?

“I want it to be with someone i care about and vice versa. I’m not the type to sleep around, but i mean to the people who do it you do you boo; just not my thing.”

17. What are his/her turn-ons? Turn-offs? Weird bedroom habits?

“I’d rather not talk about this, thanks.” Meg is quite a passionate person and she’s not going to give everything up so easily because she likes a fight. It would depend what mood she’s in, she’d love intimate or go farther into the rougher aspect of sex. Like hair pulling, lip biting, and all that good stuff.

Beliefs

1. Do you know your character’s astrological (zodiac of choice) sign? How well does he/she fit type?

I feel either an aries or leo. But probably mostly aries because they’re lively, passionate, courageous. Their negative traits would include being impatient, stubborn, and impulsive which just all sounds like Meg perfectly tbh.

2. Is this character religious, spiritual, both, or neither? How important are these elements in his/her life?

“I really don’t have any specific view on it. My mother gave me the choice of choosing/doing whatever i wanted to with religion. Maybe i just haven’t figured it out yet.”

3. Does this character have a personal code of morals or ethics? If so, how did that begin? What would it take to compromise it?

“Don’t we all have a code of morals? We all know right between wrong, but sometimes we do it anyway. It depends, although it would take a lot for me to compromise it.” Like being forced to frame drugs on Hercules lol.

4. How does he/she regard beliefs that differ from his? Is he/she tolerant, intolerant, curious, indifferent?

“Tolerant. I like to hear the other side of things or someone’s opinion on the matter.”

5. What prejudices does he/she hold? Are they irrational or does he/she have a good reason for them?

Mostly with everyone not because of color or what they look like, but shes always felt skeptical towards people because unless you don’t know that person like the back of your hand you don’t know what they’re capable of. Just like Hades. So pretty much Hades ruined her when it comes to people in general.

Daily Life

1. What is the character’s financial situation? Is he/she rich, poor, comfortable, in debt?

Meg has been comfortable, but there are times when she was younger that her family was hurting for money. 

2. What is his/her social status? Has this changed over time, and if so, how has the change affected him/her?

“Under the radar.”

3. Where does he/she live? House, apartment, trailer? Is his/her home his/her castle or just a place to crash? What condition is it in? Does he/she share it with others?

“I miss my home back in Greece. It was just beautiful, i miss it so much sometimes compared to the form i’m living in at Walt.”

4. Besides the basic necessities, what does he/she spend his/her money on?

“Probably movies, i love to indulge in fantasy.”

5. What does he/she do for a living? Is he/she good at it? Does he/she enjoy it, or would he/she rather be doing something else?

“Nothing really.” Do you mean work for Hades? Then yes, and she doesn’t hate it but she doesn’t love it either. She’s known Hades for so long now that he feels like a friend in a weird twisted way.

6. What are his/her interests or hobbies? How does he/she spend his/her free time?

Meg will never admit it, but dancing. More of a classical style. Definitely something like this. (x)

7. What are his/her eating habits? Does he/she skip meals, eat out, drink alcohol, avoid certain foods?

Meg doesn’t have big meals unless she’s going out to eat, so she snacks a lot.

Associations

Which of the following do you associate with the character, or which is his/her favorite:

1. Color?   Purple 2. Smell?  The Ocean 3. Time of day? Sunset 4. Season? Autumn 5. Book? Anything that has to do with Mythology, she has a guilty pleasure for the Percy Jackson series. 6. Music? Upbeat songs, once that are relaxing to listen to. She has a soft spot for ballads. 7. Place? By the crashing waves of crystal blue ocean, by herself with a good book. 8. Substance? Vodka/Wine 9. Plant? Iris 10. Animal? Humming bird

[onisionrants]

Onision Rant: Trisha Response Part 1

I made it 8 mins in to his new vid responding to Tisha Paytas vid about him before rage quitting for now (the manipulation/victim blaming was getting to me); but here are the points I want to discuss so far. 1.) He brings up ages of his ex’s as: 24 (skye), 17 (he makes a point to say legally lulz it wasn't , shiloh), 26 (AJ), 24 (Minx), 17 (lainey), and 18 (billie). First off while yes skye was his age so not creepy he says her age as 24, this is false they dated in their teens and married at like what 18? He’s trying to fluff the numbers in his favor. It’s also important to note that the only 2 that were really in that above 20 bracket also dumped him a month or less into the relationship, because they were smarter and could see the abusive nature he really has (also not die hard fans). He also makes a point to say (when Trish brings up dating fans) that his ex wife was a fan, what was she a fan of his in high school when they met and started dating? He didn’t do anything then, he hadn’t made it on youtube yet (which he did with a lot of help from her). To say she was a fan is a big stretch. 2.) While talking about the fan thing he also says “ if you ask them (lainey) about how happy they are being married to me they’ll have the same answer as I have, we are so much better then our exs to each other. There’s much raw honesty, theres so much passion, theres so much happiness, Like 99% of the time things are awesome.” True ifnyou ask lainey during lovebombing times I’m sure they would say they were happy, but their twitter and livestreams tell a different story when greg is on his down with them kick. Lainey has told us that Greg has manipulated them, that he is emotionally and verbally abusive as well. He also says better than their exs, again abusers like him target people in abusive situations so they can be the savior and use that “ at least I’m not your ex, HE was the one really bad to you” (like he did billie too). As for more honesty, is that the honesty you had to manipulate your wife (wont do things friends wouldn’t do) to cuddle with laineys gf, or how about telling lainey how the ~polyamorous~ relationship is going be, not letting them express their feelings or have any say in the matter. More passion? Like when you almost left your pregnant partner for their 18 year old gf, or later told them you just wanted to be single (second break up during pregnancy) and the lovebombing afterwords. So much happiness, like how lainey said “fuck 2017 already, it’s already shit” or how everytime they brought their gf back ( due to your manipulation) they felt like dying. 3.) When Trish is talking about her experience with being given a ultimatum in a relationship like what he did with billie, “ just say no, if someone says ‘hey you have to do this to ge back with me’ you don’t have to do it, just move on. It’s very simple Trisha and it’s weird anyone would act like this is a victimizing situation when 1.) that person is nowhere near around, they are across the country when they are given this decision. And 2.) The individual has every right to say no, it’s all about how bad you want to be with the people that you clearly do want to be back with because you agreed to it” (I’m going to break 3 up into quotes cause it’s long) In this one he is trying to explain away his abuse. He says it’s impossible since she’s soooo far away, but emotional abuse has no distance boundaries. You can groom amd emotionally abuse from the computer or a text. The video “ The 6 Master Manipulation Narcissist Use” that I posted yesterday kind goes over that im the veiled threats bit. Also the she had a right to say no, correct and she did and then you kept going until you got a bit of what you wanted, her being humiliated. Persuasion is not consent. Even though you are trying to explain this away, greg, you are doing horribly and exactly what Trish was talking about. You shouldn’t have to do things like the things you wanted because you want to get back with someone, this is grade A emotional abuse. There isna reason all your ~lovers~ that were over 23 only dated you a month tops, it’s because they did say no to this kinda stuff, they did say no to your abuse. They had a more developed frontal lobe ( decision making part of the brain) that told them these are red flags, and why you go after (and have longer relationships) with teens, expecially again fans that already hold you high. “ Some people think that’s totally unfair to wear an honesty message on your body that identifies what you are. ME being an honest person, I’m not affraid of people knowing whether or not I tell the truth, of I tell the truth great, if I don’t then people should know. The people that get most upset about this are dishonest who don’t want people to know they are dishonest. After all secrets are the best friend of liars” He’s trying to cleverly be mean to billie even now and this whole thing is shit. First off it is horrible to try to get someone to get “ I’m a liar” tattooed on them. This is not different then the scare given on the hands of people that stole bread in the 1700s or a scarlet letter. Your sins do not defy you. You are not the same person you were 5 years ago ( well except greg he’s stuck in his own lil world). People change and grow from their mistakes. A tattoo is forever, one “mistake” doesn’t make up who you are forever. I’m going to skip a lil ahead here to “the people that get most upset” part, I’ll get back to your honesty. No I’m a pretty honest person and I’d be upset if someone was trying to force a scarlet letter on me. Billie also did admit to lying and said she wasn’t completely innocent in the whole situation, unlike you that lovedbombed and passed blame to ~evil men stealing women~, she took the more grown up response and took ownership of her faults (that weren’t horrible anyway). Plus lying about smoking weed is not that big or bad of a lie (no matter legality, she’s a white cute teen girl with no record, she wouldn’t get shit but maybe a fine, and that’s pushing it). I have more respect for her, a person that admits their faults and shows remorse, then a person like you that is never to blame and “ is brutality honest”, so let’s talk about that honesty. It’s normal to lie, everyone does, from little to big, from good lies (that make people feel better) to bad ones that destroy lives. A study from a few years back even shows that most married couples lie to each other in every 1 outta 10 interactions, 3 in 10 if not married. You saying that you never lie alone is a lie. And agian for the punishment you wanted for billie it was not a worthy lie. It’s also common for people in emotionally abusive situations to lie in order to not feel the wrath, expecially little lies, because thr truth would be blown way out.of portion (lol sound familiar). To go back to to “ME being an honest person, I’m not affraid of people knowing whether or not I tell the truth….” no Greg you do “worry” well not exactly but you do want to force that “honest” lable on yourself. You’re not honest though, you lied at least twice in this vid alone. You also say you should let people know things that identity you by ways of marking your body, so I have some tattoo ideas for you. If you really want me to start writting you praises just get “ I’m a manipulator, emotionally and verbally abusive and a cheater” on your back.

[fourteenacross]

hi its me again. sorry. ive got some oc's for a story that im trying to piece together, but its kinda a mess. turns out i cant write natural dialouge. youre really good at it, and since i havent figured it out by re-reading your stories over and over again, i figured id come to the source, how do you write dialouge that doesnt feel forced or awful? ❤❤-Myah

Don’t worry about it, I love getting messages even if I cam crap at actually responding to them in a timely manner /o\

As for dialogue…gosh, I wish I had an easy answer! Dialogue is my favorite thing to write and it’s the thing that generally comes easiest to me. About half of the stuff I cut when I’m editing is unnecessary dialogue and the reason so many of my things get stretched out to so many words is because I can never make the characters shut up. I like banter, I like jokes, I like people with an easy rapport, which leads to lots of chatting.

The key for me, for fic anyway, is hearing the dialogue in the character’s voice. I don’t know if it’s a skill or a talent or what, but that’s how I know I’ve nailed it. If I can get the character’s voice in my head, hear what I’m writing as if it’s said by the actual actor or in the same cadence as the writer, that’s half the battle. It solves the problem of it sounding realistic and the problem of it sounding like something that particular character would say. 

Getting to that point, though, is a little harder for me to advise because, like I said, it’s either a talent or a skill, but that’s something that I’ve just…always more or less been able to do to some degree. The advice I can give, I guess, is to listen to the way people talk to each other on teevee or movies or whatever. Listen to how you converse with your friends. Do you ever obsess over what you’re going to say to someone in a particular situation and make it up over and over in your head? Break that apart, look at how it’s structured and why you put it that.

The shitheads are easy for me to write because they’re a little younger than me, but they’re here and now. They’re in this time period, living in a place I lived, with a lot of the same references. They’re dumb twenty-two year old boys, and I’ve known a lot of dumb twenty-two year old boys in my time. They’re casual and sarcastic with each other the same way my friends and I are casual and sarcastic with each other. There’s a little bit of code-switching involved–they’re more formal in the classroom and on cases and with the Washingtons, and those are conscious choices that they make, but generally they swear a lot and use slang and pepper their speech with filler words (”um,” “uh,” “ah,” as well as “like,” “I mean,” “basically,” “you know,” etc).

The other big thing that helps, I think, is just knowing your characters inside and out. If you’re in their head and you know their motivation, you start to structure their speech with the background of their intentions, if that makes any sense. Whether they’re cautious or trying to get some information from someone or oblivious to what’s going on or secretly angry at the other person or whatever–that all changes how people say things to each other and that’s a big part of giving life to the language. There are a dozen ways to ask the same question, and some will be perfect and others will sound totally stiff and wrong, even though they’re essentially asking the same thing.

FOR EXAMPLE, let’s look at two things under the cut:

So, here’s a thing based on a conversation in a fic I just posted, a dialogue between two characters:

“Good morning, my dear. I’m shocked that you’re up earlier than usual.”

“I went to the gym.”

“That’s strange, because usually you have trouble getting out of bed to go to work in the morning, but today is the start of our vacation and you got up earlier than you normally would for work.”

“As I said, I was at the gym. I find that if I’m going to go to the gym, I need to go very early or very late so that it doesn’t throw off my schedule.”

“We’re on vacation, though. Do you have plans today that I don’t know about?”

Which, you know, is a perfectly civil and valid conversation for two people with a more formal style of speaking or a less familiar relationship to have with one another. But even though it says exactly the same thing, meaning wise, as the actual dialogue I used, never in a million years would shithead Alex and John have that conversation at ten am on a Saturday in their kitchen, if they would ever have it at all. So instead, we take the same meaning and we shift it to get what I put in the actual story:

“Good morning, starshine. I can’t fucking believe you’re up this early.”

“I went to the gym.”

“You stumble half-asleep into the lab most days, but your first weekend off and you’re up at the asscrack of dawn.”

“I went to the gym. If I’m going to the gym, I’ve either gotta go first thing or last thing. Any other time and it fucks up the whole day.”

“There’s nothing to fuck up, we’re on vacation.”

“It fucks up my sense of time.”

“Vacation. What could you possibly be planning on doing today?”

Which, you know, sounds much more like something these assholes would say to each other, while conveying the exact same meaning.

The other tip I’ll give you is to give certain characters particular verbal tics that they repeat. If you do this, it really helps flesh out the character in the readers’ minds and adds a certain rhythm and tone to their speech that makes it particular to them. For example, in the ghosthunters, each of the characters have very specific names that they call each other. I actually made a chart to keep track of it. For instance, Lafayette sometimes calls GWash “George,” while everyone else only calls him “Washington” or “GWash.” Herc mostly uses people’s last names. John never calls Alex “Ham,” even though all the other student characters (except Burr) tend to do it. Beyond names, John swears a lot and has a hard time expressing his feelings, so anytime he’s saying something emotional, he draws it out and stutters. Lafayette uses a hodge-podge of formal and informal English and occasionally gets thrown off if a word is the same in French and English. John has terrible pick-up lines that come out when he’s tipsy. Alex has a tendency to go on random tangents questioning the literal meaning of idioms he uses. Alex and John have two exchanges that they frequently repeat (”Hey.”/”Hi.” and “I’m/You’re a _____.” / “But You’re/I’m my/your _____.”) Et cetera.

Oh gosh, I hope this makes any sense whatsoever and is at least a little bit helpful. I feel like I’m just rambling at this point. I have a lot of difficulty explaining HOW I do certain things if I don’t have to put a lot of work into them and, to be honest, dialogue is something I personally don’t have to work hard to nail.

So, tl;dr: 1) Try to hear the words in the characters’ voices; 2) Listen to how people around you, in fiction and RL, speak to each other; 3) Know the characters well and take care in choosing words that you think it makes sense for them to use; 4) Give further character to people’s speech by giving them repeated verbal tics.

I hope this helps!

[drmariefeuer]

Character Matters

Character Matters

You do not have to be a pathological narcissist to act like one. Many people have narcissistic tendencies and can “act out” in ways that match true narcissistic pathologies.  You are not either a narcissist or not, you can have tendencies at times that need your attention.  Narcissistic tendencies can arise from the walking wounded who continue to avoid their inner work, their inner healing, unconsciously continue attention-seeking behaviors and controlling behaviors as a way to regulate, contain, and sublimate their unhealed emotions.

These are often covert, co-dependent type people who cannot speak up for their own needs and boundaries and instead consistently manipulate everyone around them because when they were helpless children that is what they had to do to survive. However, now they are adults, capable of having the courage to heal. And it will take courage. And it will take actions and behavior changes and all of that means taking risks, or what will feel like risks.

What do some of these manipulations look like? Under-functioning or presenting as the victim: (See Harriet Lerner, The Dance of Intimacy): so that people around them will do all the work, all the emotional labor of the relationship. People pleasing: In order to win complements but also so that one will not be held accountable or responsible for actions, behaviors or choices. “I was only doing what you wanted me (or “pushed” me) to do. Seduction: Flirting, using “subtle” sexuality (such as a focus on always looking good, dressing subtly sexy, sending subtle sexy vibes not really wanting sex, and so much more) on a regular basis, usually in all encounters and with both sexes as a way to ensure that one will receive “love”, attention and again as a way to avoid accountability and responsibilities. After all, s/he is so “cute” and “nice” surely s/he “just made a mistake” and “didn’t mean to do it” as they blow off another responsibility or work or commitment. Silence: By not talking one “gleans” information in order to constantly “figure out” what to say, how to say it, even when to laugh or cry on cue in order to “fit in” yet remain “invisible and therefore again, not be held accountable for any choices because their choices remain hidden in the silence and apparent acquiescence by using all their energy to “blend in” with the current company. Choosing to have relationships with wounded people: By unconsciously or consciously choosing to pursue relationships with people in trouble (divorce, depression, going through big changes, walking wounded, sexual abuse survivors, etc.) and presenting yourself as in a “better place” one is able to “look good”, like a rescuer or a hero and because one is now in a position of being “needed” by a needy person and again this is a built in exit door where one can slide out of responsibilities and accountabilities. After all, if you are “needed” you can count on the other person not risking losing you by holding you accountable to your commitments, choices, and responsibilities or your behaviors. All will be “forgiven”  because the person in need, needs you.

You don’t have to be a narcissist to have narcissistic tendencies or behaviors, especially covert narcissistic tendencies so don’t get hung up on the label. If you cannot set and hold boundaries, if you cannot directly hold to your commitments or honestly renegotiate them if circumstances change, if you cannot in general express your opinion or tolerate diversity and differences (instead of always guessing how to “fit in”, if you tend to  hang out with needy people only, or people who you sense are physically attracted to you or what you have to offer—or what they imagine you have to offer because you present that, you have some work to do and behaviors to clean up . As you learn to identify them, you can choose to heal and learn new responses and behaviors…. or not. But at the very least, start to own your choices.  For more detailed information on this material, see Dr. George Simon’s book titled Character Disturbances.

How does on respond when coming up against these covert, often (but not always) unconscious behaviors? Again, I refer you to Dr. Simon’s book as well as his interviews on YouTube and as Dr. Ramani’s work on narcissism on YouTube.  Stop giving people, adults, “a break”. That is how they got this way in the first place. You are not their therapist or their emotional cure or punching bag. Set boundaries, hold them accountable for respecting your boundaries and also for honoring their commitments, and expect outrages responses, everything from victim manipulation to rage. Yes they don’t know any better, but letting it go only reinforces the behaviors. And you have a right to your needs, desires, and boundaries and to expect reasonable commitments and renegotiation of commitments whether they be personal or professional.

If the person is inconsequential to you, yes, walk away. It’s not worth it. It is not worth having to go through the always victim manipulative, or silence (expecting you to do the emotional labor to fix the situation or conversation), or retaliatory attacks. Retaliatory attacks can be physical, withholding sex, setting a retaliatory “boundary” “right back at you”, and verbal attacks often cleverly disguised as (unasked for) “feedback”.  My wounded students often start analyzing me and critiquing me as a form of retaliation when they feel threatened (their image/ego is blown or exposed) or when they are being held accountable, instead of bringing up issues when things are calm and good which is the time to bring up issues to discuss and make changes as needed. These kinds of retaliatory actions, behaviors and choices (and there are others) are excellent red flags to identify the narcissistic defensive behaviors of the walking wounded who will lash out rather than risk problem solving. And it is not worth going through all of these if the person is not someone important to you.

People think conflict and conflict resolution are red flags. Yes they can be, depending on how it is handled and the subject matter. But choosing silence and keeping the peace as a priority over becoming a better person, or having a better relationship means you are choosing to protect your ego at all costs. The nice a polite culture is, currently, a scourge and a plague. If you love someone or care about them, you are willing to go through the labor of love to work things out and will choose that over your need to look good, be right, get by, keep the peace, hide in silence, flee, retaliate or other choices of control. Conflict resolution takes a willingness to give up control of your emotions and your ego, in order to listen, hear and negotiate. Meditation, prayer, spiritual practices are needed and are excellent. But they are not meant as an escape from responsibilities nor are they a substitute for hard actions that need to be taken in order to evolve in this lifetime, should you choose to walk that Path. Life itself will force you to grow, or you can risk jumping into the growing yourself without waiting for life circumstances becoming so difficult and painful that you have to make changes. It is your choice. Either choice will require risks and hard actions.

Below is a link to Brene Brown’s podcast discussing how white folds prefer to feel comfortable, be nice and polite, rather than become a better person. Why did I post this? Because becoming an anti-racist is related to becoming an authentic person. It is a choice, not (at this time) a necessity. Giving up your covert controlling narcissistic behaviors is also a choice. You can get away with it for a lifetime. Becoming a better person is a choice. You can stay with your current behaviors and choices and just keep “moving on” rather than stay and grow. This podcast addresses the subtle nuances of the heart and courage and commitment it takes to become a better person, a more spiritual person, a more authentic person. While it uses anti-racism as an example, it is applicable to any set of behaviors you have discovered in yourself that you now feel compromises who you are, your quality of life, your quality of being.

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/bren%C3%A9-austin-channing-brown-on-im-still-here-black/id1494350511?i=1000477381573

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   Journey On.

Dr. Marie

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