#im not angry he died. im sad but he was 18 years old

[celestica-1988]

Ho postato 18.215 volte nel 2022

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#hhhhhh im so stressed & worried abt work related stuff lately so i had to draw something as a treat for myself

I miei post migliori nel 2022:

#5

TOKYO REVENGERS CHARACTERS AND THEIR HOGWARTS HOUSES

Gryffindor:

Manjiro Mikey Sano, Ken Draken Ryuguji, Takemichi Takemitchy Hanagaki, Keisuke Baji, Nahoya Smiley Kawata, Yuzuha Shiba, Emma Sano, Senju Kawaragi Akashi, Atsushi Akkun Sendo.

Hufflepuff:

Kazutora Hanemiya, Chifuyu Matsuno, Hakkai Shiba, Haruki Pah-chin Hayashida, Ryohei Peh YanHayashi, Souya Angry Kawata, Seishu Inui, Kakucho Hitto, Kanji Mochizuki, Shion Madarame, Makoto Suzuki, Kazushi Yamagishi, Takuya Yamamoto.

Ravenclaw:

Takashi Mitsuya, Hinata Tachibana, Naoto Tachibana, Hajime Kokonoi.

Slytherin:

Tetta Kisaki, Shuji Hanma, Taiju Shiba, Izana Kurokawa, Ran Haitani, Rindou Haitani, Haruchiyo Sanzu Akashi, Minami South Terano.

26 note - Postate 1 febbraio 2022

#4

Guarda il post completo

27 note - Postate 16 aprile 2022

#3

more an edit that a fanart

my art

30 note - Postate 18 marzo 2022

#2

The s-62 and Santa Claus.

Izana Kurokawa.

This kid is bound to receive coal and that's what he found next to his bed. He's not happy. At all. He spots Santa Claus sleight hanging in midair and jumps in it. Without a second thought he steals the beg with all the presents and then flights Santa Claus when he wanted it back. The poor old man must leave in defeat. Izana enjoys all the presents by himself, except some that he gives to Kakucho. He secretly sends some to Emma, but he will deny it even on his death bed.

Ran and Rindou Haitani

Another two menaces. They wait for Santa awake and even Ran drinks coffee to avoid falling asleep. When the old man comes and refuses to give them any present they simply use their joint technique and convince him otherwise. The Haitani are left with presents and Santa with some broken bones.

Shion Madarame

Little Shion receives coal for Christmas, but he thinks is made of sugar so he tries to eat it. He ends up breaking his teeth and to spent Christmas day in ER. Every fucking year till his parents write to Santa to beg him to leave some candies for their son cause they are tired to spend Christmas in hospital. Since that day little Shion receives a bag of candies but never tell to his friends cause he's afraid the Haitan or Izana will steal it.

Mochizuki Kanji

Another one who actually receives coal. Every Christmas he cries and swear to be a better and honorable man. Nothing changes, his parents comfort him with a lot of cuddles.

Yasuhiro Muto

He's not good, but he tries so Santa leaves him a bag of candies. Sometimes he shares it with a sad Mochi or with Haruchiyo. He will put up a fight if Izana or the Haitani try to steal it.

34 note - Postate 5 dicembre 2022

Il mio post numero 1 del 2022

At the Kanto Manji meeting in chap 243...

Mikey: I'm stuck in this gang life cause Takemitchy said I would kill all of my friends due to my dark impulses. Fuck my life.

Koko: I don't wanna be here but I'm too scared to leave. Someone help me

Sanzu: I'm finally side by side with my king at the top of the world. Fuck Senju. Fuck Takeomi. Mwahahaha

Kakucho: I'm here but I wish I was hanging around with Izana in heaven.

Ran: Why that goddamn South died? I'm tired of being pulled around. I'm bored. I miss Roppongi.

Rindou: I'm 20 but I feel like I'm 200. I want vacation

Mochi: I hate that Mikey kid but if I go against him he'll kill me. Fuck my life.

Shion: I swear to God this time I won't go down with one punch or else I'll be sent to the bottom of Tokyo bay.

Wakasa: Why am I even here? I'm too old for this kid's fighting. I wish I was in my gym.

Benkei: God give me patience cause if you give me strength I'll kill them all, including Waka. I'm so sorry, Senju. Forgive me

Hanma: You wish you know what I'm up to or I'm thinking but I'm wearing a fucking mask. Duh

69 note - Postate 22 febbraio 2022

Guarda ora l'Analisi del tuo anno 2022 di Tumblr →

[davianos-blog]

@bookloverfilmoholic asked to be tagget so your welcome 💗

"Why here?" Frank asked.

"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked little offended.

"Why New York all of the places?" He asked being more spesific.

Wow mr detective got some questions.

"Why you gotta know?" I was little angry at this point.

"Alright, just calm down kiddo. Didn't mean to question the color of your ledger." He said with a little laugh.

Color of my ledger. I started to feel little bad for just snapping at him.

"I had a little mission here to put down the red room." I said just fast.

"You never told me what the red room was?" Frank turned to me.

"Lets say that the Red room is an empire. They kidnap little girls and traffic them. Normally they take girls whose genes are good. They train to be 'black widows' thats the assasin name. If you are like me who didn't knew anything other than the red room after the manipulation, you kill without a tought. Thats why i got the name little blood red spider. The worst about it is that every year 500 new girls are put into the system, by the time they are 18 normally only 100 or even 50 have survived. From the pack that i came from, i was the only survior." I told him the whole story.

"How you got in there?" Was his next question.

"I was taken from my mother and later she was killed. I was maybe 4 years old. When i made a break for it at the age of 6, I found my father. He kept me safe after that. Then he died and they got me again." Now the story was out or at least half of it.

Frank didn't look at me but with the years of training i saw. He felt sad for me, well who didn't.

"I don't want any fucking pity, you know?" I said.

"Do you just bury everything that comes to your way?" He asked.

"Hey im not the killer mr Punisher. Im just a girl who was fucking tortured and has lost everything. Im pretty sure you knoe how it feels to lose everything but what comes to being tortured you do the torturing don't you!" I yelled being angry.

When i looked at Frank I couldn't read his face. He wasn't angry, he was sad.

[stanknotstark]

Astral Pt. 8 (Loki x Reader)

Ok guys they’re REUNITED! God i hope you all know that I wrote all 7 parts in one day because i was so obsessed with getting chapters out so i wouldn’t have to write them daily or lose my thoughts!! Ok well now i have some time to figure out where the story will go from here or if i end it here....

IM JUST JOKING it’s not over yet XDD it’s barely begun :p Feel free to send messages about what you think is gonna happen or who might make minor appearances, villain or hero, cuz i have some planned out! I’ve been doing research guys, i bought a marvel encyclopedia for the first time in years cuz i visited the store the other day and loaded up on comic books again it’s been awhile but my collection is growing again ^^

You’re standing next to Natasha when the brothers drop down from the sky in their rainbow elevator thing. Thor called it the bifrost? It wasn’t something Loki had talked about when you had been on speaking terms, he must have not found it important enough.

The brothers landed outside on Stark’s glorified patio, 91 floors up. You almost forget to breathe as you look at Loki. His hair is a little longer now, he’s definitely lost some weight, and the bags under his eyes tell you enough. His face is cold as he looks around and, angrily, lets Thor lead him inside where you all stand in various places waiting on them. You note that both the brothers are dressed casually but it’s still a bit much, Earth wise. 

You swallow as Loki first sees Tony and smirks at him, “Seems I won’t be missing that drink you promised?” 

Tony gave him a once over then shrugged. “I guess you deserve a small break. Thor filled me in on what’s been going on.” Tony said, you thought you could hear a hint of a threat lacing his words though. Loki huffed and rolled his eyes looking at the rest of the team before his eyes landed on you. 

You looked into his eyes for what felt like hours but must have only been seconds. The angry look he had been parading in dropped and you saw a flurry of reactions so quick everyone else would miss it but you knew Loki. You try your best to keep your face disinterested, not quite sure if you succeed. Still a bit hurt he told you to never come back coming to the front of your mind you look away and whisper to Nat, “I gotta go, fill me in on what happens.” Then you rush out.

You hear Tony saying, “You already scared off y/n..” as you left the room. 

You basically run to your room and slam the door shut. Your breathing had started becoming haggard on your way up and only intensified as you closed yourself in your room. Both your hands gripped at your hair and pull, your eyes squeezed shut, tight. You shouldn’t be reacting like this it was Loki, it was just Loki. He wouldn’t hurt you, physically. You had thought that you were over whatever heartbreak you had all those years before. How the fuck were you to function normally around him if just one look at him made you this panicky? Made your heart beat so hard you thought it might break out of your ribs. Made you want to cry deliriously happy and sad at the same time. 

You let go of your hair, let your tears fall, and punched the wall a few times, hoping the pain in your hands would ground you. Luckily, it did, but you’d probably have to come up with an excuse because your knuckles were blooming dark purple. You took in deep breaths, copying what Loki had taught you to do when you got to worked up, subconsciously, the thought of him causing you to freak a bit more but then you just focused on breathing. 

It’s a few hours later when Natasha comes to your room and tells you dinner is ready. You had settled and had a book open in your lap as you sat on your bed. You consider skipping dinner and you’re about to say it when you see the look Natasha is giving you. She had been the one to teach you to over come your fears, to face them head on. She probably thought you were scared of Loki because he had tried to take over the world. Oh, how wrong she was. You nodded and told her you were gonna wear something else. She left you in peace and you sighed, rubbing a hand over your face then putting on your brave face and getting dressed in something casual. A simple t-shirt and jeans would suffice. 

When you entered the dinning room, a floor below yours, everyone was seated. Natasha had left you a seat. Right next to Loki. You swallowed and studiously kept your eyes anywhere but on Loki when you sat down. You realized Loki was very tense when you sat next to him but said nothing on the matter. 

“Brother! This is dear Y/n I mentioned, she’s got a quick wit just like you, I’m sure you both will be the best of friends!” 

You smiled at Thor but it probably came off as more of a grimace because Thor gave you a frown. Loki said nothing and focused on eating his food. The whole table got silent realizing something was up between you and Loki. You cleared your throat and tried to sooth things over by looking at Loki. His eyes caught yours and for a second you got lost in them, again. God, get ahold of yourself!

Mentally shaking your head you plastered a smile on and said, “Nice to meet you, Loki, I can’t wait to get to know you.” You finish lamely then quickly look at your food and begin stuffing your face so you wouldn’t have to speak anymore. 

“Riiiiiight.” Tony said eyeing you and Loki suspiciously. Steve sat next to him frowning at your attitude. You missed the silent conversation Natasha and Clint had. 

“You’re going to choke if you continue to eat like a bilge snipe that hasn’t seen food in weeks.” Loki said in a casual voice.

You choke. You swallow what is in your mouth, Natasha hitting your back a few times, and then you laugh. 

God you missed Loki. 

“Remember when you swallowed that moon berr-” Stopping yourself short you swallowed and closed your eyes, last seeing Loki’s happy look turn into a neutral face as he glances around at the team. Damn. 

“Remember? You two know each other?” Natasha asked, nudging you with her elbow. Thankfully you see she reserves her judgement on the situation. 

Sighing you look at the team and set your utensils down. 

“Loki is...” You shot Loki a confused look as if to ask if you still were but shook your head and continued on looking at Nat primarily, “We’re soulmates. I first met Loki when I was 13 years old.” 

“In person?” Steve asked.

“No, I can astral project my spirit but because I’m his soulmate it wasn’t hard it just kind of happened when I needed him most.” 

You picked up your glass of water, noticing you are shaking a bit. You especially tried not to jump when you felt Loki set a comforting hand on your thigh under the table. Taking a drink you looked at the table, took a deep breath, then let your eyes come back up to the confused team. 

“When you needed him most?” Tony asked after a few minutes of silence. 

Looking at Tony you bit your lip. Should you....

“My grandfather killed my grandmother in front of me when I was 13, I hid in my closet and closed my eyes, when I opened them I was in a room in Asgard.” 

“She was in one of my mental rooms that I use to astral project. A fabricated room I made when I was younger.” Loki said, his eyes only on you. 

“He was always there when something bad happened and we became best friends. I was 17 when I realized I had magic, his magic.” You said looking at Nat who looked confused. “Because we’re connected through our mind and soul, I draw my power from him. The powers I have are Loki’s in a sense but at the same time my own, I can do some things he can’t and vice versa.” 

“So if Loki just like, hypothetically, died,” Tony rolled his eyes when Loki glared at him, “Hypothetically! Would you lose your powers?” 

You swallowed as a knot formed in your throat and looked at Loki with sad eyes, willing him to answer because you surely didn’t have an answer for that. 

“Possibly.” Loki clipped out, sending a glare at Tony, as if damning him for making you think of that preposterous idea. 

Tony hummed in thought. 

“If you’re soulmates, why did she react the way she did when she first saw you?” Thor asked, mostly aiming the question to Loki. Loki looked at Thor, angry, then let out a breath and held his chin high. 

“We had a falling out three years ago.” 

“No doubt your fault?” Thor said causing Loki to nod once with a roll of his eyes. 

“No!” You yelled looking at Loki with exasperation. “I’m the one that chose to leave!” 

“I’m the one that gave you an ultimatum.” Loki ground out, frowning at you. 

“You were trying to keep me safe.” You said causing Loki to scoff. 

“Ok, wait, what happened so we can all choose our sides respectfully here?” Clint asked. 

“Shield found out about my powers when I was 17, said once I turn 18 they can give me an offer I can’t refuse. I could work for them. Loki said not to do it because it sounded like they were gonna use me as a weapon, that we knew nothing about Shield and what it stood for,” You sighed and pinched the bridge of your nose with closed eyes, “I told him I was gonna take up their offer considering I had a bad home life, he argued Shield could be more dangerous and I told him I was still gonna take the offer anyways so he offered an ultimatum.” Letting your hand fall down to your lap and over Loki’s, still resting on your lap. You softly caressed his knuckles under the table. When you had closed your eyes, to pinch your bridge, you missed the concerned look Loki gave as he saw the violet bruises on your knuckles. 

“He said if I leave to never come back because he wouldn’t be able to watch me get hurt.” 

Tony breathed through his teeth, a hiss, but otherwise everyone stayed silent. 

“I left.” You finished lamely.

The table stayed silent for awhile, everyone gathering their thoughts and questions, until Steve spoke up. 

“After she left, what did you do Loki?” 

“I had Heimdal watch over her-”

“He is all seeing.” Thor said quickly to help out.

“-and I told him that if she were to find any trouble she could not handle to send me to her.” 

You looked up at Loki, shocked, who zealously kept his eyes on Steve. You offered what comfort you could by grasping his hand and squeezing. You smiled inwardly as Loki’s tense form softened slightly. 

“I’m taking it she never ran into trouble she couldn’t handle.” Steve said, more as a statement than a question.

“From what Heimdal has told me, joining Shield is the best thing to happen to her and I almost stopped that.” 

“You couldn’t have known.” You said quietly, frowning in thought, Loki finally looked down at you and your heart almost broke in half at the hurt in his eyes. 

“All you wanted was the best for me and I’m sorry I left,” You looked down and squeezing his hand before looking back up at his eyes, “I’m sorry I left and never tried to reach you again but I’m not sorry about the decision I made.” 

Loki looked at you for a bit then nodded, satisfied with something he found on your face or possibly in your eyes. “I’m sorry I never tried to reach out to you too.” Loki admitted.

You glanced at Thor who sat next to Loki, looking a little put out he never knew about the both of you. 

“Sorry we didn’t tell you Thor I kind of wanted to keep it a secret because I was going through a lot and wasn’t very trusting of strangers at the time.” You said to placate Thor, making the blame fall on you instead of Loki since their relationship was already rocky to begin with. A minor way you could apologize to Loki about not contacting him. 

Thor smiled, genuinely, then said “I’m just happy to make your acquaintance now, y/n.” 

Everyone went back to eating their almost cold meal now. Natasha and Clint the only ones that noted that you and Loki ate with one hand the entire time.

Conversations flowed between the team smoothly like you all were meant to be there, together. No one made any comments on the fact that you and Loki couldn’t keep your eyes off each other the entire time either.

Pt. 7/Pt. 8/?

Tag list: @justfangirlthingies @emelieh99  @high-functioning-lokipath​ 

[sastrugie]

john entwistle biography review

ok so first: I didnt really like the biography because I thought it would focus on totally different aspects. John was a musical virtuoso and that hardly ever gets mentioned in the book. But we get exact axccounts on how much money he spent on what day and in which pub he bought which champagne. like wow thanks. The other personal stuff is basic who knowledge you can read in any other Who biography. His autobiographical bits were joy and fun! Maybe the only reason to buy the book in my opinion. He writes totally different than the author...

ANYWAYS: here my fav facts from the book that you probably didnt know before

this is the face of a man who -when his father gave him driving lessons for his 21st birthday as a present- decided driving wasnt really his thing and he spent the money on clothes and parties instead. He never had a drivers license ever and also never desired to have one 

the hospital he was born in, was bombarded and destructed one day after his birth

as a child he was really weak and thin and had basically every disease that existed

his family was poor af

his father left the family early and held contact with his son, but soon disappeared with a new family

his stepdad, Gordon, disliked John alot and would ignore him, hated everything John did or said and he let his bad moods out on Johns mother, which caused John to be very silent and observative around the house so that there wouldnt be any trouble

he did everything to please Queenie (his mom) so that there was no fighting, according to Alison

loved drawing and playing but usually alone since he had no friends apart from their dog

he heard a trumpet solo once from a trad jazz band when he was 6 or so and decided he wanted to learn the trumpet

my fav line of the book probably: “despite his own expectations, he passed the exams to go to grammar school” like same

at school he was bullied from the older boys but soon left alone by them because he would fight back with badass comments 

he applied for the school band for the trumpet but the tallest guy in the year was chosen (he was the 2nd tallest)  which made John mad, but he discovered the french horn

soon he found a friend, mickey brown, at last and he gave him the nickname “ent”

he was so terrible in P.E that he was dismissed with other pupils to play somehwere else, they were called “the hockey misfits” and guess who was among them: Pete Townshend.

yeah as you might know they became besties because they loved music and black humour.

he found himself a gf (alison) and Pete & a school gang (like 4 ppl) and his life seemed to finally get where it should.

his worst subjects were geography and german like wow (im a german geography student lmao)

once they played in a pub and johns stepdad was there and was super angry and gave john a list with his fav pubs and told him “these are the places I never want to hear your fucking music playing”.

after walking home pete decided to switch the guitar and john wanted to become a musician more than ever

Roger found him and John kind of convinced him (it took months apparently) to get Pete into the band and then it all started

he judged the beatles because John Lennons harmonica was “out of tune” in love me do, wow ok you nerd

john started smoking with 20 and was the last one to quit his job for the band and he was against drugs at first (bc he had a “civilized” job) but then decided to give a shit, dyed his hair black, bought cigarettes, smoked dope with pete and did speed too

he wanted to step out of himself and feel good about himself and he was always a fashionnerd so he started buying and trading and selling clothes (he once was dismissed from school bc he wore the school uniform incorrectly)

with 18 or so he was still living at home, had a toy soldier collection and a pet budgie

pete and his college friends made fun of john bc he wasnt a student and still lived at home, although john could have gone to college too and he wanted to, but his stepdad again said no and he had no choice.

he was very awkward and introverted but could open up with his music 

he was really into pop art (esp pop art clothes)

was a pseudo mod bc he only liked the fancy clothes and motown music

with the who he found a purpose in his life and finally could be different than ordinary ppl

hated when people touched his hair, he literally hated it

would fuss much about his hair in general

once after a concert they were starving and the room service was alreday home so they had to look on used plates and food wagons and John found a shrimp and said: “who wants to dine with me tonight?” (idk that really made me laugh)

keith moon was john entwistles soulmate and they were the cutest, most iconic and funniest duo ever end of discussion

his amps would soon be called little manhatten bc he had so many bc he wanted to be loud

he actually went to sing at church once when he was like 24 and the band made fun of him then he stopped

in the late 60s he bought a house with alison in a normal neighbourhood and went walking the dogs on sundays and stuff

but he was a party animal and always the last to go

he was really sensitive and cried often according to Alison but only in front of certain people

he would totally step out of his way to please people

when they played at the monterey pop festival they didnt bring their own amps along and john was furious bc he said the american amps are shit and kit was like “no” and john didnt talk to him for the whole festival until their perfomance was over and they had sounded like shit to tell kit “I TOLD YOU SO” thats how extra he was

when he got money he would spend it bc he was so used to being poor that he thought it wouldnt last long and he had to enjoy it NOW

he was always calm and everyone respected him and kit told a story where he entered the room and roger was at keiths throat and and pete was screaming something and john was sitting in the corner cleaning his nails. thats who energy

liked to dance at parties

his fav drink was rémy cognac with 40% and he would drink like 1 bottle alone everyday in his later years...wow dude

he was also gentlemanTM and once paid taxis for girls from london to brighton after a party

once at a wedding the free drinks were out and John just gave the barkeeper his creditcard and said he will pay for all the drinks of the night for everyone (it wasnt his wedding)

Roger once said: “John made smartass comments that deserved a punch in the face” sounds like him yes

he didnt really care about money and always wanted to pay and never told anyone how much things had cost and brought gifts for everyone

soon that ended in a shopping addiction tho and he bought ridiculous things for ridiculous amounts of money

when the who was inactive he sank into depression :(

held the band together during who by numbers & who are you

wrote and played all the quadrophenia horn parts himself

never lost his passion for art and always drawed alot, said Alison

cried when Christopher was born aww

once he saw their manager in an art museum and how he wanted to buy a painting but couldnt afford it, so John bought it secretly and shipped it to said managers home as a gift

We all know John was a huge collector. His most treasured collection was .. wait for it: teapots.

he tried to save Keith from being arrested once and ended up being arrested too lol

wanted to write a scifi concept album but desorted the idea and gave some songs to the who (905) or Pete

was a good cook apparently

When he gave a hug HE was the one who decided when to let go sdfghjk

hated confrontation and would hire other people to tell someone bad news

he spent so much money on dumb shit like wtf

but didnt really care either

probably the master in picking up and seducing girls

he let his stepdad live in the quarwood mansion when he wasnt there but Gordon was still an asshole wtf

the contact to his real dad was really sporadic

when the who ended, it hit him really hard and he didnt know what to do besides partying and buying stuff/hording stuff

was very insecure and selfconscious in the 80s according to Maxene :(

he actually took pete breaking up the who really personal and was sad 24/7

was that kind of guy that said bad stuff about the who but when you said bad stuff he would try to kill you on spot

with cocaine he felt really confident and still like the 60s/70s rockstar he once was but he didnt understand that these times were over and he needed to move on

sometimes went into random pubs with friends and made jam sessions for the guests

he still was generous and loving until he died and tried to play with other bands but it was not the same

he really liked Kenney and hung out with him more than with his wife at some point lmao

was a total giver and people who worked at quarwood would steal money from him but when someone pointed that out he got angry with that person for even suggesting that

was a real softieee (and a huge nerd)

all his friends said that he was shy at first but once you got to know him he would come totally out of himself, was very funny, loved to tell stories, was very very loyal and would try evertyhing to make you laugh aww

all in all a glorious story with a sad ending and he did destroy himself completely, but lets remember that Pete Townshend described old John still as "wonderful, mature and elegant” so lets cling on to that :)

[valhalla-awaitsfor-us]

My last 10 years, a little catharsis by me

In the last 10 years happened a lot and I changed so fucking much. I just wanted to write it down before going crazy with feelings

Trigger warning

School years

10 years ago I had just changed schools. I was twelve and my new school was Catholic. I’ve never believed in anything. It was the first time I went to Mass, and I remember confusing the word "Osana" with Obama. Everyone laughed, myself included. In my old school people were not very nice and education was deplorable. But I had one or two friends, and my crush, who was also my friend. The first year after changing schools I lost contact with all of them.

In the first year of school I met who I considered my best friend for the longest time. For two years she was my only friend. At that time, I was extremely afraid to speak out loud, I was afraid to look people in the eye, I was afraid not to think like the rest. In retrospect, my social anxiety began at the time, but I didn't know it. Not yet.

Two years passed and the school made us decided between 3 modalities of studies: “Social Sciences”, “Natural Sciences” or “economics”. I chose social and my best friend economics. We were separated, but I thought it would be fine. I made a new friend. A girl I connected with right away. My old crush from the other school texted me, and we became friends again. My grades were decent and life was good ... And then naughty rumors spread about me. My new friend stopped talking to me, and started bullying me like the rest of the school. They made me trip over on the stairs, nobody talked to me, everyone laughed. The school never intervened. In fact, they blamed me. I remember that on a 15th birthday, the birthday girl had a giant screen where people could send messages to be projected. All were congratulations on her birthday. And then, suddenly a humiliating message addressed to me appeared on the screen. More than 200 people saw that message. Sometime later my crush got a girlfriend and stopped talking to me. And shortly after that I discovered that my father cheated on my mother with more than one woman.

For a full year I was alone and scared all the time. Alone at school, alone at home. I only had my dog. For a whole year I was almost mute. I start writing suicided notes, that then I would burn. My depression started at that moment. And yet, I didn’t know it.

When I turned 16 bullying decreased. My new friend, the one who had also made fun of me, apologized and we became friends again. It was a… decent year, I guess. My father knew that I knew, but he never said anything, and I kept hiding the secret, feeling how it was eating me alive which each day passing.

I was 17 in my last year of high school. It was a good year, full of decisions and emotions. I felt comfortable, comfortable to be myself for the first time in my life, even when I didn't know who I was. At the end of that year, my classmates and I went to the typical “graduation trip” that every school makes in my country. A trip to the snowy mountains of Bariloche. For a week we were going to ski during the day, and go clubbing at night. During that trip I got drunk for the first time, and in tears I confessed to my friends (yes, plural!) that my father was cheating on my mother. It was the first time I said it out loud and I felt liberated. When we returned from the trip we continued studying. I started going out to clubs to dance and gave my first kiss one of those nights with a drunk idiot. When the year ended I only failed of math, but I was already used to it. In my graduation I fought with my mother and ended up crying.

College

I decided I was going for a 4 years’ degree, Im not sure how to called it on English, in Social Communication.

But first I went to study English in New York for a month. During that month I lived in the campus (We don’t have campus in Argentina, so it was crazy for me!!), and my roommates were from Peru and Brazil. There I met 5 girls who changed my life. The six of us became very close, even though we have lost contact in the present day. During that month I felt a freedom that I had never felt. I felt really alive. Live to not be afraid to express myself, live to defend myself and make me respect, live as if to forget, for at least 4 weeks, that I had anxiety and depression. That month was the happiest of my life.

Then, I had to go back to Buenos Aires. I tried to get accepted into university to study "Social Communication", and I had to take 4 exams. I passed 3 with honors, but I failed in math. But it didn't matter because by the time I failed the exam I didn't even want to study that anymore. I decided that I would be a film student. And I did it. I enrolled for a 3-year film degree.

In college I met my best friends. The two girls I met at school are my oldest friends. But the people I met in college are my family. And when everything finally seemed to be calming down ... my father left us, my aunt died and my dog ​​died. All in less than two weeks. I remember that my aunt died a week before Halloween. Because I went to a party at the house of a friend's acquaintances and got drunk. I ended up making out with a guy who had been flirting with me for a while. It was my first and last made out session to the date. He tried to contact me after, but I never answered his texts. I still think about him.

My mom fell into severe depression.

I had to take care of keeping my father away, and going to appointments with the lawyer with her for the first few years. I lost contact with my paternal grandparents. My grandfather stills ignore me when he sees me.

I still miss my dog ​​every day and I know that I am guilty of the circumstances of his death.

But I keep studying, becoming my mother's emotional rock, and allowing her to heal. I was 18 and alone, dealing with everyone emotions, and just wishing to die. My father harassed me in the meantime.

But I keep studying and graduate at the age of 21.

My mother never thanked me, with words or actions. Now she is obsessed with living the perfect life and dating a bunch of men. She is unstable and sometimes I don't sleep waiting for her to come home safely. I don’t feel attracted to anyone, I don’t feel like having sex. I’ve never had my “sexual” awakening so Im starting to think Im in the ace spectrum. She said Im just frigid ad Im gonna die alone if I don’t star using my body to get men… We live fighting and I'm exhausted. Im not the daughter she wanted, and she is not scared of telling me that.

This past year I specialized in script writing along with a friend. But I'm still unemployed, and all my free time makes me think things I shouldn't be thinking. My depression evolved. Before it was just sadness and now it's also rage. But I no longer feel guilty for speaking my mind or looking people in the eyes. I'm fed up. All my life I lived feeling bad, but what these last years’ taught me is that I am worth more. And although anger is not the right way, it sometimes helps you to leave behind those negative feelings that people like me usually have about ourselves. I was so fed up, so angry, that I start speaking my mind. Yes, my anxiety is still there. But I came a long way from that shy girl who would talk for a whole year. Im watching my cousin grow, and the inspire me to do better. I fight with my friends but I love them, and I know they will always be there for me. I feel numb most of the time, thanks to my depresion, but at the same time I cant deny Im changing in some way.

And that… that think is a good start.

[tumblunni]

Headcanons about maddiman's wife:

* name: Joy Nocturne

* her personality is like your classic 'overbearing wife' or 'loud woman' except its not a bad thing and i hate how its always stereotyped as a bad thing. She's confident and outspoken and badass and these are all the things that made Madds fall in love with her. Its also the things that makes everyone else think she's 'such a nag' and start rumours that their marriage is on the rocks, because he 'must be so whipped', etc. And back when they met in highschool everone thought she was a 'typical american thug' who was 'being a bad influence to that poor honor student'. Basically she's used to people hating her personality and she was already secretly doubting whether her husband also found her annoying/bossy/unattractive cos of this. Like she's usually able to be confident in the face of hate from strangers but as she grew to love this man she felt her old insecurities coming back. They were both having trouble talking about their feelings and worrying that their spouse didnt love them...

* oh and BIGGEST HEADCANON: she very much loved him and there was no villain of this story, just a sad tale of two people falling apart due to miscommunication. I think its infinately sadder if they were total soulmates and never stopped loving each other even after this tragic falling out. I feel like Joy just had to make the decision that was right for her son when her husband was never around to be part of his life. And with the way maddiman acted she had every reason to feel like he'd stopped loving her...she didnt leave because she hated him but because she didnt know why he was so distant and thought he hated her...

* She never remarried. She did manage to live a full life and raise their son to be an upstanding human being, but she never forgot about madds and never found anyone she loved more than him.

* She was actually there when he died. The point where he passed out midway through writing a diary entry wasnt actually the exact moment he died, his coworkers found his comatose body and rushed him into surgery. He was on life support for a few days befofe he faded away, having never woken up. Joy rushed over on the fastest flight possible to get to see him before it was too late, but she only managed to arrive in time to see his yokai self emerging and vanishing into the ether. This phantasm haunted her for the rest of her life and she sorta inherited his fatal yokai obsession, in hopes that what she saw was real...

* after her son died at just 17, she became even more tied to the desperate hope of her husband's old fairytales. Ultimately though, she was never able to find him. She actually could have walked straight past him and not been able to see him. And madds wouldnt have recognised her, only wondered why something in his heart says that this particular trespasser in the haunted hospital should be guided to the exit without harm.

* they first met in high school, oddly enough due to maddiman's dad being a massive asshole. Nogut always pressured his son to be perfect and live out all his dreams for him, blablabla, gotta get to the best schools and never get a single bad grade. Joy and madds werent in the same class so they hadnt talked much, and she only recently transferred anyway. But one day Nogut was in school for a parent teacher conference and he was being his usual pissy entitled self, blah blah im too important to be here and my son is the cause of all my problems somehow. So he got uhh.. "Distracted". Aka being an absolute fuckin creeper to underage highschool girls! Thus the day Joy first became friends with maddiman was also the day she became mortal enemies with his dad by kicking him in the balls. And shortly afterwards she bumped into maddiman who was hyperventilating in the same closet she coincidentally picked while hiding from Groinally Harmed Anger Dad. He was having a panic attack from the general stress of his dad being here, and she helped support him through it which became a really valued memory of his, and why he sees her as his hero. Well, that and shortly after when she was like 'lol i just met this total creeper and kneed him in the nads' 'THATS MY DAD' 'geez sorry dude' 'NO THATS AMAZING'

* she also helped him pull off his ultimate escape from trash dad. They had a plan in place for a long time that as soon as he turned 18 they were getting on a motorbike and riding off to Anywhere But Here. But he didnt expect her to literally bring a birthday cake and throw it in his dad's face! And then that was the beginning of their relationship. Madds had totally been crushing on her for quite a while but never knew how to confess, until the sheer awesomeness of that moment made him accidentally squeak it out while they were riding for their lives from an angry old man.

* oh and also there were probably a lot of funny cute clueless moments where it kept going over joy's head that he had a crush on her? I was thinking of a cute idea for a valentines day flashback where maddiman was too shy to give her a box of chocolates and she comes along like "man i didnt get any chocolates im glad you managed to get some!" "U-uhh no i umm..wanted to give them to someone but i...didnt." "Oh that sucks dude! At least now you can eat them all to yourself to help forget that girl. Lemme sneak one, tho!" And thus he ended up sharing the box of chocolates with the perosn he wanted to, even if she had no idea. And it was a very good day!

* also i think considering the pattern of him bottling up his feelings and running from relationship problems, it seems likely that he ran from the altar on his wedding day. But it was also one of the only times ever that that happened and it wasnt super sad. As he does, he got all worked up into a mess of anxiety and convinced he knew the only answer- the stupidest and most reckless answer! So even though he loved this woman he was so scared that he'd be a bad husband that he tried to jump out the window at the last second without even once trying to actually talk to her about any of this. But this time she did manage to find him! All the friends and family were like 'ugh leave him, he doesnt love you', but she knew there had to be more to it so she ran out in the rain in her wedding dress and searched for miles until she found him sobbing in a public bathroom. They managed to talk it out and get to the bottom of his feelings and actually resolved something for once, and it all went okay. It kinda helped that seeing her turn up all bedraggled in the wreckage of the dress she loved so much, bleeding from her tight heels and fighting off several biker gangs along the way helped convince him that "hey maybe she thinks i'm worth fighting for, so i should try and believe her". So yeah then she swept him off his feet and they danced all night as everyone else in the church was all "ugh she looks awful" and "why would she take him back", but the moment was so magical that they just didnt care. And thats how the biggest failure of a wedding was also the happiest day of their lives! (..though sadly the same doubts and communication difficulties would come up again and not be resolved so easily...)

* i keep flip flopping on what career i want to give her, but at the moment im thinking possibly owns a lil bakery/coffee shop type place? Madds is one of those people who cant stand the bitterness of tea/coffee and prefers caffinated sodas instead, but he used to drink strong coffee every day back when he was human just because his wife made it. He loved all the rest of her cooking so itd be cruel to say no! Its a lil detail that i figured would be cute but also foreshadow how he'd meet his tragic end, as it shows he's capable of bottling up his feelings for years even when talking would be so much easier. Also probably a comedic note that he's coming up with nonsensical mad science techniques to make himself able to drink coffee! "Shall i genetically modify my tastebuds or create an undetectable translucent plastic armour plate for my tongue?"

* also maybe she could make cinnamon rolls shaped like madds's doofy cyclops head when they reunite in the future. Just because i want to eat that.

[adhdusagi]

Princess Tutu episodes 14-end

I watched the entire second half of the series in one day because I make good life choices

Previously on Princess Tutu Watch:

Okay I can get back to Tokyo Mew Mew now

+++++++++++++++++++

It was a lie, I could NOT

EPISODE, UH, FUCK……… 14! - The Raven

asdklsdhflhdl (google docs stop capitalizing my keysmashes) they’re bringing back “once upon a time there was a man who died”!!!!!! Honestly that might be one of my favorite lines in this whole show

Gotta love the sarcasm in “and they lived happily ever after”

The theme song…… it’s so good

Oh nooooooooooooooo

This scene is literally just the “I’ve got a headache that comes and goes” meme

Fakir you complete dork. You’re all dorks

“Princess Tutu and a crocodile are totally different” you tell ‘im, Mytho

Duck speaks so much more regularly than the other main characters? I mean, there’s Fakir over there like “Shall we go?” and Duck saying things like “I’m gonna be late!” and using “like” and “stuff”... I mean, I know this is the dub, but

Duck why are you using Fakir’s dumb excuses omg

Lilie is just the personification of my negative thoughts

BUT WHAT DID MYTHO TELL FAKIR

Awwwwwwww Duck, no

They’re in a terrifying Raven Dimension with like, ominous music and people wailing in the background and meanwhile Kraehe and the Raven are just having like, a normal conversation

Also, are the white feathers supposed to be like, what’s trapping the Raven there?

Duck please

Wait, Princess Tutu transformed on her own!

Episode 15 - Coppelia

Also, watching Fakir try and fail to stop Mytho from jumping out the window is Pain

Lilie you are a Strange Child

STEALTH DUCK RETURNS!

Oh no?? Fakir doesn’t want to get Mytho in trouble???

alsdfksfh the entire student population is Here For The Drama

Duck don’t yell in the library

Fakir just doesn’t make good decisions

Oooh that doesn’t look good

Sad Kraehe Theme Alert

You “just happened” to do a lot of things, Lilie

Omg Lilie “Want to just happen to go see?”

Rue just shows up to trash talk Fakir for a minute and then leaves

I say as if I’m not in So Much Pain

Yeah! Every single time Princess Tutu transformed in the first season, it was because Drosselmeyer said something, but now she’s transforming on her own!

Oh no Mytho

Also I like how Tutu doesn’t just flat-out say “you don’t actually love him” and instead is just like “how about you try doing things you enjoy with the guy you like instead of giving him Your Actual Heart”

Episode 16 - The Maiden’s Prayer

Wait is Angry Narrator back or did the other narrator just regain the heart shard of Withering Scorn?

Lilie isn’t even interested in the love triangle, she just wants Duck and Pike to fight

Is that Goatette

“So pretty…. What? Oh yeah I meant the flowers of course haha” Duck

Such a serious child

“Love only me, hate everyone else”/“The prince who loves me and me alone”

This child is amazing

It was such a good decision to give Fakir a little sister. A good decision for everyone involved

aslfsdjhklgdlghdjghfdklkdkalh Kraehe told him that Duck would suffer if she knew what was happening with Mytho so Fakir isn’t going to tell herrrrrrrrrr Fakir please don’t internalize that!! You are breaking my heart sir

Oh my god it wasn’t Goatette it was the sloth

*The Can Can plays loudly over a sloth just kinda hangin out*

Episode 17 - Crime and Punishment

This may or may not have been the last episode I watched the first time I watched this show?

“Eyes of truth” huh?

This dumbass child

Femio, from the other side of the school grounds: “DID SOMEBODY SAY ‘PRINCE’????”

What the Fuck are you doing with your hands, kid

Why are you a cow

Honestly as over-the-top as Femio is he is also simultaneously the most realistic middle-schooler in this entire show

Oh my god he’s on probation

I’m sorry I’m just talking about Femio but he’s hilarious

Truly a Grade A Idiot

What is he even doing with his life

I’ve become Lilie

These characters have emotional crises over people saying the stupidest things and tbh I relate to that

Oh dear!

The thing is, Femio would be really annoying in real life, but in a tv show he’s just amusing

Rue’s FACE, she’s so done

I like how Duck can tell which building Rue’s in just by the amount of crows around it

Tbh all the students probably have noticed what’s going on, they just think it’s some kind of weird performance art thing. Wouldn’t be out of character for this school

Fakir and Uzura really are siblings, I love this

The best part about this episode is it’s this completely ridiculous person unintentionally getting in the middle of everybody’s emotional issues

“I feel kinda like something happened, and kinda like it didn’t” Duck you are absolutely correct

And of course the Aquarium is good once again

Episode 18 - The Wandering Knight

Incidentally, how old are these kiddos? We know Mytho is older than Duck, so Fakir and Rue probably are too?? But like, probably only by a year? Who even knows what their actual ages are

I mean, Duck is a duck so

It’s! The trees from the opening!

I don’t know if I’ve asked this before, but why does Fakir have a horse?

Oh my god Lilie

Can everybody STOP picking on Fakir for being afraid to die? He is 14, leave him alone

Ahiru is trying so hard to be helpful, give her a chance Fakir

Once again Rue shows up to get in a burn on Fakir and then leave

I swear every time the Aquarium plays in this show

Oh noooooooo Ruuuuueeeeeeee

Literally Protect All Of These Characters

Save These Children From Their Own Emotional Issues

FAKIR PLEASE

Pride is absolutely the worst feeling Mytho could get back right now?

“There’s something sinister going on that I’m not a part of!” And that really gets to you doesn’t it Dross. I bet it’s really… grinding your gears!!!

(why do I feel so proud of insulting a fictional character)

Episode 19 - A Midsummer Night’s Dream

Wow we really are starting this one off on a sinister note (it’s Drosselmeyer’s revenge on me for that pun)

Of course he can’t tell you, he doesn’t fuckin know what’s going on

Fakir please stop basing your entire identity around being a knight

Oh no, Mytho’s regained the heart shard of Basing Your Entire Identity Around Upholding A Role

I wonder if Hermia being tall is like, a meta Shakespeare joke, cause in the play Helena’s really tall and Hermia’s really short, but in every production I’ve seen it was the other way around

Rue stop projecting your insecurities onto your boyfriend

Ohhhhhhhh dear

Finally someone tells all the crows hanging around to shut up

Oh my god she really is super tall

Or Ahiru’s just super short

I am learning so much about ballet mimes

Cool bird shadows

Whoa, different raven background. And the Raven isn’t speaking with him this time? What does it mean

On no, Tutu

Hahaha oh no

Aaahaha they’re the same

THEY EVEN DO THE SAME ARM-FLAILY THING

Episode 20 - The Forgotten Story

ALRIGHT, TIME FOR THE FAKIR’S SAD BACKSTORY EPISODE

Raetzel: *walks in*

Uzura: And where do you fit in the shipping chart, ma’am

THIS is a High Quality Directatorial Decision

Oh no Duck. oh no she’s so earnest nooooo

It is just Extremely Wrong to see Mytho dancing to something besides Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy

Mr. Cat can hear the word “wedding” from three floors up

Oh my GOD they put broken heart stickers on the window

I mean, I say they but we all know it was Lilie

Again, Duck knows exactly where shit’s going down just because that’s where all the crows are

Oh no!

Everybody needs to stop giving Fakir shit Right Now. Everybody needs to stop thinking it’s a bad thing that Fakir didn’t fucking Die, and that includes Fakir OKAY????

I’ve been thinking… Raven Mytho keeps saying things like “people only want love because they want to be loved” and I wonder… if that was sort of his experience as a prince. Or maybe I’m just getting this mixed up with Utena lol. But it does seem like a genuine issue he has as opposed to just something he says to manipulate people. Hm.

Episode 21 - The Spinners

Every time the narrator says “once upon a time there was a man who died” I Will Flip

Duck tries to lean nonchalantly against a door, it goes about how you’d expect

Duck that’s not how writing works (ughgfjdghskjkgf my pain)

AW NO

Oh no Duck is too relatable

UUAAAAAA TREE GHOST TREE GHOST

“Follow my every order and be prepared to die if you should fail” it’s almost like you WANT me to hate you. FAKIR DOESN’T NEED THIS

See Duck agrees with me

PETITION FOR PEOPLE TO LEAVE FAKIR THE FUCK ALONE THAT MEANS YOU TREE GHOST

Ohshit it’s that old guy from the bookshop???

Uzura is NOT “unrelated”, obviously she is Fakir’s baby sister

“I’m just watching again” oh no Duck

Autor what the Fresh Heck are you doing to Fakir

YOU ARE NOT FINE?????????

Honestly Fakir needs to get in touch with his emotions, not get sleep deprived and hallucinate in a field

This tree is saying things Edel said??? Was Edel made from the wood of this tree?????? Oh my god???????????

Anyway that was Intense

Listen, Raven Mytho has real issues and you can fight me on this

Ah, I see Dross is practicing the time-honored authorial tradition of “If the Story Isn’t Working, Hit It With a Wrench”

Episode 22 - Crown of Stone

But who’s going to protect Fakir huh? Answer me that, Duck

One big-ish happy familyyyyyyyyy

I needed this life advice tbh

Aaaaaah Uzura’s talking to Rue!

“Are you the Rue we’re worried about?” I love how she just included herself in that

Autor, I’m……. not sure you want the tree ghost cult to acknowledge you

Uhm, I’m pretty sure Autor doesn’t fit into the shipping chart and I think Uzura would agree with me

Ah fuck!!! Fakir turn around

Wait it’s an owl on a grandfather clock?? Is that actually a thing? These watchnotes are coming full circle

“I want people to love me, but is it okay to just be loved?” yep, the prince is having issues

Autor, I’m pretty sure Ahiru is figuring all that out right now

And like, the Book Men totally know it too, so

HOLY CRAP THIS SEQUENCE

AND THE MUSIC THE MUSIC IS PERFECT

SKLAFDJKVHFJK;JKLSdf;DSLKJFAKSDAKFJHFKLJJFGKLHGJFHSDLJ

I love this show

EPISODE 23 - Marionette

OH! OH! IT’S THE MUSIC EDEL ALWAYS PLAYED BUT SPED UP! That’s actually kinda creepy!

Anyway now I know why I’m so protective of Fakir, we’re both writers who can’t write anything

Oh noooooooooooo Rue

Oooooooooooh don’t like that

Ruuueeeeeeeeee please don’t stab your boyfriend we’ve been over this

Incidentally, hulu needs to quit it with these bogus commercial placements

Drosselmeyer: How dare you try to resolve your emotional problems!

Dross that’s called character development

Hahahaha joke’s on you Dross!

aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

I! LOVE! THEM!

No of course your heart is lovey-dovey Uzura! Your heart is the lovey-dovey-est!!!

Incidentally, Autor is That Guy who says just because you haven’t finished/published anything you’re not a Real Writer. And he is Wrong

Episode 24 - The Prince and the Raven

Okay, just from this title I know I won’t be able to handle this

THIS ISN’T EVEN THE PENULTIMATE EPISODE

YOU ARE HITTING ME WITH ONCE UPON A TIME THERE WAS A MAN WHO DIED RIGHT OUT OF THE GATE I CANNOT BELIEVE

Okay but and then this story explains all of Raven Mytho’s emotional issues as well???

*sigh* Autor……. Fakir literally just told you his motivation is to protect people and you’re still going on about controlling the fates of all mankind… are you sure you’re not Drosselmeyer’s direct descendent?

Rue don’t go into the crow building

Honestly I’m still dying over the fact that you can tell where things are happening purely based on which building all the crows are at today

Tiny Rue is breaking my heart

UUUUAAAAAAAAAAAAAA TINY RUE IS DOING BALLET

Omg Rue in the beginner’s class!

Oh noooo Uzura’s saaaaad

I KNOW I’ve heard this songgggggggg

THAT WAS A BIT OF THE FOSSILS FROM CARNIVAL OF THE ANIMALS???

Okayokayokay so it’s not Carnival of the Animals but DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS it’s another piece by Saint-Saens and DO YOU KNOW what that piece is called????? fuckin Danse Macabre!!!!! I am immediately filled with a sense of foreboding!!!

The music choices in this show are going to destroy me one day

HOLY CRAP????

I can’t believe so goddamn much happened in this episode???

Episode 25 - The Dying Swan

I’m not rrrrrrrrreadyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

Not even the narrator’s obvious disappointment in Drosselmeyer can give me solace

Oh my god so is the Drosselmeyer we know just a character in Dead Drosselmeyer’s story?

I think it’s a testament to this story’s power that I’m having so many emotions about it even though I know what’s going to happen? Like, some stories, reading the summary is pretty much the same as hearing the story, but Princess Tutu is not one of those stories

Like I just overcame my social anxiety to ask my roommate to be quieter, that’s how good this story is

Aaaaaagh Rue’s change from saying “you love me” to saying “I love you” my HEART

Oh shoot! Mytho’s angry! I thought one of the gate heart shards might be anger

Oh my god Autor literally no one cares what TEA Drosselmeyer drank look at Fakir he’s so done

Aaaaaaaa ohno

EVISCERATE HIM FAKIR

Holyshitholyshitholyshit

Okay but see the lake is outside the city so Dross just took some random normal duck and plunked her down in his fairytale town and that’s why like, a cat teacher seems weird to her because she’s not from inside the story

OH NO THEY’RE PLAYING THE SWAN BUT THIS TIME IT’S RUE

rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr fuck OFFFFFF

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh it’s the sword birds

excUSE you Dross, the knight has NOT “long been useless”

Episode 26 - Finale

I can’t believe after 9 years I’m finally going to finish watching this show

Okay it’s happening

It begins and ends with “once upon a time, there was a man who died”, the absolute most perfect first line in the history of first lines and you can fight me on this

Okay I’m already almost crying just from the theme song, like the Tchaikovsky fits perfectly into it? I’m gonna sing it

I’m just screaming???? They’re all in distress

BUT DUCK IS NOT GOING TO GIVE IN TO DISTRESS

RUE IS THE SWAN

DUCK DECIDES TO WRITE HER OWN STORY AND THE MUSIC FROM THE END OF THE THEME SONG STARTS PLAYING MY HEART

I���M ACTUALLY CRYING

IT’S ALL THE PEOPLE SHE HELPED

THEY ARE PLAYING THE THEME THAT PLAYS WHEN DUCK IS HAPPY

FUCKING -- AND YOU HIT ME WITH ONCE UPON A TIME THERE WAS A MAN WHO DIED NOW

LOOK! LOOK THE SCENERY OUTSIDE THE TOWN FADES IN

I watched it.

[marvelsior]

five times kissed

MY FAVORITE MEME || always accepting! || @sensesdialed​

The first time was Peter’s 18th birthday, to the minute. Gwen had been on patrol, his gift in her backpack, until her watch alerted her that it was time to start swinging to the Parker apartment. Within the hour, Gwen was knocking on the boy’s window once her watch alerted her that it was officially Peter’s birthday. She was greeted with that grin she would always remember–one that this Peter and her Peter would forever share. Peter Parker had made it past 17 in this universe, and it made her happy and sad all at once. Her Peter would never make it to 18, he’s been gone for years. 

Gwen sees the welcome packet for Peter’s college on his desk, the Spiderwoman removing her mask and smiling as Peter opened the window and let her in. “Excited for school?” she asked, gesturing to the desk’s contents as he grinned. “Of course! Y’know, you didn’t have to come here Gwen, it’s late! Aren’t you tired?!” Peter asked, brown eyes shining with concern as she waved him off and pulled her backpack off her shoulders to retrieve his gift. “I was out already on patrol, but I would rather die than miss my best friend’s birthday! I need to be the first to give you a present, it’s my duty as a best friend. Besides Ned, of course.”

Peter’s face lit up at her words, the Spiderwoman pulling out the wrapped package and handing it over to him with a smile. “Happy Birthday Petey,” she murmured, dark eyes watching him gently pull off the paper, only for his eyes to widen and immediately look to her. A camera. One she knew would be great for all sorts of shots–and vlogging as well. “How–?”

“You mentioned it once. In both universes,” Gwen answered, avoiding his gaze only for a minute or two as she zipped up her bag and placed it back on her back. Her heart ached only slightly, the more time she had spent with Peter over this last year of being in this universe made it hurt less and less. Honestly, it would always hurt at least a little, but she’d never been happier with the way her friends and family were all still here-in some form, at least. She takes a few strides to his side, turning the box over in his hands and pointing out specifications, showing him how this was both for photography and can also be for video, and that her mom bought some extra batteries for it, they’re in the box. She blinked and there were arms around her, Peter’s face in her shoulder thanking her as she wrapped her own arms around his waist and kept him close. “You’re welcome Pete…” 

Soon she’s on her way back to patrol, jumping over the railing as sticky feet keep her attached to the side of the building facing him as she placed her mask over the top half of her face, her grin still showing as she leaned up so she was eye-level with him. “Coney Island tomorrow?” she asked, and Peter agreed, those brown eyes shining bright in the city lights around them. Gwen Stacy had always loved Peter Parker. With every fiber of her being, she did. Unfortunately, in her universe it decided that wasn’t meant to be….and she didn’t realize just how much she loved him until he was gone. Here? Here she had a second chance to be the best friend her Peter deserved; to protect him. Now here he was, eighteen years old, going off to college in two months. He made it. Both Spider warriors hadn’t realized just how long they’d been quietly staring at each other until Gwen’s watch went off again, startling her enough to almost lose her grip on the railing–prompting Peter to flail to try and catch her–but she righted herself in time for the two of them to be inches away. She’s not sure what came over her, but moments later she leaned up and gently pressed her lips to his. She lingered for a moment or two, pulling away and very happy that her mask covered most of her face as she pulled it down and sputtered out. “Sorry, I shouldn’t-couldn’t–I’ll see you tomorrow!” and swung away. Shit. Gwen you’re an idiot what the fuck.

What she didn’t expect, was the blur of red and blue following after her moments later.

The second time was a time after Peter’s birthday, after Coney Island, after the night of Peter’s birthday where Spiderman followed Spiderwoman until he caught up–many more kisses happened between then and this time. It was Peter’s sophomore year of college, and he’d told Gwen on multiple occasions how the dorms were miserable. Flash was always there. How Flash and Peter ended up at the same school was beyond them, but it was ridiculous how the bully never took a hint; or grew up. Fucking Flash. Gwen had appeared at Peter’s dorm the night before; the three of them (Gwen, Peter and Ned) had a movie night with a blanket fort and fell asleep on the floor. The next morning she found herself in Peter’s bed with a note explaining he went to class, he’d be back in a few hours. Ned was gone for most the morning and he came back around 10am. 15 Minutes later she heard the familiar sound of Flash antagonizing someone–her Spidey sense alerted her that it was Peter moments before she heard a body hit the door. 

Gwen signaled for Ned to stay where he was, slowly creeping to the door and opening it a crack to see Peter struggle to his feet, wiping away some blood on his lip before he faced Flash again. Gwen was fortunate to not have had to deal with Flash directly, Peter had known how she didn’t want the high school to know she was here. She wasn’t their Gwen, she was too old for high school so it wasn’t like she could ‘come back’. Peter had protected her by keeping her existence a secret from their peers, just as apparently he was protecting her now. Flash was saying something about Peter being weak, about how it was his fault Gwen was dead because she went up there to meet him. Both Gwen and Peter froze on their respective sides of the door, by now Peter sensed Gwen watching and moved so he was between Flash and where she was. From there, Flash explained what he’d done–he was the one who sent the Gwen in this universe to that place. He wrote it and signed it from Peter, so Gwen would get ‘stood up’ by the boy she actually liked, just so Flash could make his move on her…but she died instead.

Gwen could feel the sorrow bubbling up in Peter’s chest, brown eyes watching his fingers twitch-wanting so badly to turn into a fist but Peter’s too good for that. Too pure. The last 5 years, Peter had beaten himself up about Gwen’s death. From 14 to 19 years old he believed it was all his fault–just as Gwen had felt these last 7 years with her Peter. Eventually, the Spiderwoman had enough and threw open the door, prompting Flash to turn white as a sheet and back away as if she was a fire coming straight for him. “G-Gwen?!” She felt Peter’s gaze on her, sensed him reaching out for her, and she placed her hand in his awaiting one before she pulled him against her, free hand gently wiping away some blood from his lip. She felt Peter instantly deflate in her grasp, just as she always did when she was angry and he was there, Now Gwen was angry. Peter had put up with SO much abuse at the hands of Flash; now this madness had to end. “For the record, Flash Thompson?” Gwen’s voice was smooth as silk, but her gaze and the edge of her tone was icy as the frozen tundra as she turned to face the cowering teen before her. “I would rather die than be with you. Fuck. Off.” Flash took the hint and fled the scene, Gwen turning her attention back to her injured boyfriend as Peter’s forehead leaned against hers. 

“He’s gonna tell everyone, you know…” he pointed out, prompting a shrug from Gwen. “Let ‘im. I don’t care anymore,” she answered, cupping his face in her hands and pressing a slow kiss to his lips, which was eagerly reciprocated by her spider-love. Two seconds later, there’s Ned; wrapping both of them in a tight embrace, exclaiming “THAT WAS SO BADASS, GO GWEN!”

The third time was after Gwen had been accepted into the Masters program, the two of them moving into a dorm/apartment on campus together for Pete’s second half of Sophomore year and Gwen’s first semester in her Masters program. Both of them on either side of Gwen’s bed, feet touching as they both kept taking notes and highlighting things they would need later. It had been hours, and Gwen’s eyes were starting to hurt. Maybe she should take a break. Peter gets up and stretches, Gwen’s gaze moving from her book to her boyfriend as he did so–she never got tired of being around him. She figured he was on his way to the bathroom, or the kitchen to get a snack, but moments later she was greeted with Peter inches from her face and placing a hand over her book.

“Hi,” she chuckled as she turned to face him, a sleepy smile across Peter’s features as he cups her cheeks and pulls her in for a kiss, prompting the elder spider warrior to run her fingers through brown curls. Free hand closes her book before she shifts so he’s standing between her legs and she’s sitting on the side of the bed, their kiss only breaking when they need air. “Time for a break,” Peter breathed, smiling when Gwen leaned in for another quick kiss. “Alright, alright. You know it’s bad when you are the one telling me we need to take a breather.” 

The fourth time was at both their graduations. Each major had a separate ceremony based off which ‘college’ your major was sorted into. First was Peter’s, then Gwen’s, then The Parkers and The Stacys threw the two a graduation party–one that Tony insisted he pay for and hold at Avengers Compound. Either way, it was just madness, and after they cut the cake the two spider warriors fled the large room where everyone was gathered with their desserts and hid in one of the nearby living rooms. Their senses were going a little haywire with the amount of noise and people in the room, they just needed a few minutes to themselves. 

Gwen was about halfway through her cake when she leaned into Peter’s shoulder and pressed a quick kiss to his neck. “I’m proud of you Petey,” she whispered, looking up at him as Peter grinned. “I’m proud of you two Gwendy.” Honestly, years ago she hated ‘Gwendy’, but it grew on her–but only if Peter was the one to call her that. 

The next kiss that followed was soft, sweet, just like Peter himself. Honestly Gwen wasn’t sure what she did to deserve him. She’d been so hardened by the world when she came to this universe, and now? Now she had more to live for. She had both her parents (father from this universe, mother that birthed and raised her), Uncle Ben and Aunt May (the former from her universe, the latter from this one), Mary Jane (her universe) and now Peter. Among so many others she’d grown to know and love over the years. Soon the two of them are stretched out on the couch in the kiss, Peter hovering above her as her hand keeps him anchored by the back of the neck. The kiss was still so soft, and she loved every second of it. She loved him more than anything, more than life itself. These last few years opened her eyes to a love she never knew she could feel, and it had almost completely eradicated the pain she felt when she first came here. Breaking away for air, Gwen stroked dark curls away from his face gently as Peter playfully flopped on top of her, arms wrapping around her waist as she chokes out a laugh; a little winded from pure muscle landing on her. 

“Thank you, Petey…” she murmurs a few minutes later, fingers playing with dark curls as he looks up at her. “For what?” he asked, those beautiful eyes locking onto hers as she smiled. “For loving me.”

Spiderman smiled once more, moving so he’s hovering above her once more, pressing his lips to hers in a deep, loving kiss before he speaks again. “Always, Gwendy. Always and forever.”

The fifth time was after a mission had gone wrong. Stark and the other male members of the Avengers had disappeared for days, only to reappear for Carol and a few others to bring them home. Gwen had been stationed at the Compound; the female Avengers going out to look for them in shifts. One day in the city, one day back at the compound. Not even the X-Men could find them with Cerebro. 

Today Gwen was pacing the living room, Natasha anxiously toying with her multiple weapons spread out across the coffee table before both spiders heard the Quinjet land in the hangar. It was early. Gwen bolted for the hangar, Natasha on her heels, and she arrived in time to see a disheveled mop of brown curls appear at the top of the ramp, blue and red suit filled with holes and covered in dirt, a hand gripping his opposite upper arm in pain, but otherwise alive. “Petey…” she breathed, eyes watering as he looked up and saw her.

Both spider warriors stumbled towards each other-Peter’s clumsiness from his horrific experience and Gwen’s from the shock of seeing him again-just for lips to crash together. Gwen’s fingers instantly tangled in soft hair, strong arms looping beneath her legs after she launched herself into him, legs wrapping around his waist to keep herself upright. “I’m okay, I’m okay,” he breathed against her lips, Gwen pressing several heated kisses there before breaking away and peppering multiple all over his face before she wrapped arms tight around his neck, resting her chin atop his head. 

“I thought I lost you again…” She whispered, feeling Peter press a soft kiss to her neck before burying his face there. 

“Gonna take a lot more than that to kill me Gwendy. Promise.” 

“I’m holding you to that…” 

“I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

[meridele473]

I have a confession

I dont post. Ever. The reason behind that is because I’m scared. I’m one of those users that just reblog and likes whatever comes up on my feed. I’ve always wanted to be one those users that makes a great post and it eventually goes viral. But I’ve come to accept that may never happen. I’m scared that if post something someone will get made, be offended, or just be plain mean. So I don’t. But a few weeks ago a good friend of mine posted a long message about her fears. And after whats happened tonight I need to relieve mine. 

So first things first Im 21 years old, mexican american, and a woman. I live in a college town where I’m studying to be a historian. Today was a good day. A really good day. First my teacher extends the due date for our big final project, then another teacher cancels class all next week, and finally another teacher gives us a really easy final essay to write instead of taking a test. I get home and my roommates have made cookies. I’m tired so I take a nap. Later after I’ve woken up I realize I don’t have much food wise so I decide to go get some dinner. Things are fine, Ive got my Spotify playlist on and I’m driving home. I’m scared of driving.

Driving has always been a fear of mine. Whats totally normal to you is terrifying to me. I first started driving at 18. I couldn't learn at 16 like most do because I was so busy with my college prep high school. I had been putting it off because I’m paranoid. I’m scared I’m gonna get in an accident. I’m scared I’m gonna kill someone. Anything can happen on the road. My parents forced me to learn because it was my freshman year of college and they didn’t have the time to ferry me back and forth between classes. I went to driving school. Every time I got behind that wheel my arms would tense, my back would tense, sweat would pore from my brow, and I’d feel like crying. Eventually I took my drivers test which I failed. It tore away at my self confidence. I put it off again for almost a year. Eventually I couldn’t take it anymore. If I wanted to go out then I need a ride. All my friends could drive. They didn’t have a problem with it. They were very supportive and understanding of me but I secretly envied them. They didn’t feel the fear that I did. And if they did then they did a much better job at hiding it. I remember finding a quote on pinterest. I don't remember exactly what it said but I do remember it was along the lines of if you want something go get it. I want to be free, I want to go where i want when i want. So I buckled down and passed my drivers test. Time passes and I eventually get more comfortable behind the wheel. Sure i have a few flops along the way but nothing earth shattering. It gets to a point where I’m not scared anymore. Then tonight happens. 

As I’m driving home not a care in the world. I come to a four way stop just before I reach my apartment. Apparently I didn’t stop all the way and a cop saw me. He pulls me over. I completely forgot the procedure for when you get pulled over so I just pull over to the side of the road, turn my music off, roll down my window, and get my license out. The cop comes over. His flashlight is blinding. He asks for my license and insurance registration. He's an older guy. I give him my license but I don’t have a paper copy of my insurance only a pdf on my phone. I ask the cop if the pdf will do. He says yes. I pull it up but as it turns out its an older copy that is expired. So I find the new copy. I had my car checked a few weeks ago so the registration sticker is brand new on my windshield. He tells me that the insurance papers are for my moms car not mine. It doesn’t have my make and model on it. I can feel my hands shaking. The boulder in my chest is getting heavier. I try my hardest not to cry. I don't have any drugs, alcohol, weapons, or any other illegal substances in my car but I’m still scared. I see news footage of people of color getting killed by cops all the time. Will this be me? I think of that part in humiliation just before he dies (spoiler alert hamilton dies at the end). What will happen to me? What will happen to my family? I’m so scared I just want to curl up into a ball and hide. And he tells me that the address on my license is my home address from my hometown not my dorm address. Yes I’ve been living here for over a year but it never occurred to me to have it changed. It’s not like I’m gonna stay in this town forever. Then he tells me he could give me 4 tickets that would accrue 1,200$ total. The cop asks me if I’m going to school. I say yes. The cop asks for my major. I’m so confused. So I tell him history with teaching certification. He says “you need to be alive in order to make history.” Will a verbal warning do? My shoulders slump. I’m so relieved. Yes sir it will. Then in true dad fashion he taps me head with my license and tells me to have a good night. 

I could cry right now. But I can't. I have to get home. I drive home, park, go up the elevator, walk down the hall, and open the door to my apartment. One of my roommates is in the kitchen. She asks me if I’m alright. I joke around about being pulled dover because I don’t want her to worry. She’s a nursing major, she’s got more important things to worry about. I go to my room, lock the door, go to my bathroom, lock that door and proceed to have an anxiety attack. The boulder in my chest is not a boulder but a crow. A crow that is clawing to get out and screech as loud as it can. I’m fine I tell myself. I’m fine. I’m alive. I didn’t hurt anyone. He didn’t hurt me. I don't have to pay 1,200$. I don’t have to do anything. This is bound to happen to all drivers at some point. I don't know how long the attack lasts but I hear my roommates congregate in the living room. I go outside and tell them what happened. They reassure me that this is normal and that my feelings are normal. I am not alone. They’ve been pulled over too. We laugh and joke for hours. We need this. We’ve all been stressed. Fast forward to my room. I’m debating on whether or not I should tell my parents. My dad will be mad. He’ll get angry. He’ll yell. I don’t know what to do. The crow is coming back. Before I know what I’m doing I type out a text to my mom. She’ll understand. She always does. So does my dad. He’s not the scary monster in my head. He’s not. I’m just scared. I send the text. I know she’ll read it in the morning. Both of them have had to calm me down during anxiety attacks before and they've always understood. Hell my dad gets anxiety attacks too. Everything will be fine I tell myself. But . . .

My rent is due tomorrow. I need to get a money order. I need to get groceries. I need to get gas. I need to drive. But I don’t know if I can. My hands are still shaking. All my hard work. 3 years of hard work, all gone in one night. I don’t know what to do. I’m still scared. I need to pay rent. I need food. I need gas. I need to drive. I need this. I need to be free. i can’t be trapped again. I can’t. For the first time in forever I’m letting my walls down. Not completely. I doubt my walls will ever be completely down. I’ve let in so much love and acceptance but I’ve also let in fear. I’ve ben more vulnerable these past few months than I’ve been in a long time. I’m enjoying my life. i don’t want to be sad again. Not again. I’m going to get my money order. My rent needs to get paid. I’m going to get my groceries. I need to eat. I need to get gas. Gas is the only way I can get around. I’m not a coward. I’m not. Not anymore. And I won’t be again. 

 @sebastianshoe

[bishopsbooks]

91. My friend and I decided to do another buddy read and the first book I read in December was the last letter by Rebecca yarros. I remember putting this book on my summer reading list last year and couldn't wait to get to it. I bought the book and after sitting on my kindle for months on end I finally read it. Let me tell you, I was not impressed. This is what I wrote to her. CAUTION ⚠️ ⚠️ ⚠️ MAJOR SPOILERS. I ruined the entire book in these so youve been warned.

I have some thoughts, a lot of them lol. Ill explain my rating and then we can have an awesome conversation about the book :) so I think im giving it 3.5 . The begining was very slow although it did keep my attention. It started to pick up and then it got amazing and as predicted when I ruined it myself, the ending angered me to no end. This is why. I personally think that the ending was just a bit too over the top. When we found out Maisie was cancer free and going to live I personally felt the book should have ended there , because so much happened to Ella in that book that when colt died it just became too much. She went through way too much throughout the book to have that happen at the end.

We know that Ella's grandmother died, her parents died, she got pregnant at 18 and walked out on at 19 after the twins, Jeff's dad bribed her with money and divorce papers to abort her kids. Thats a lot already to handle. Then she's 19 and raising kids on her own after her heart is broken. Then the guy she's writing "chaos" stops talking to her , she thinks he's dead and now she's hit with her brother dying but doesn't know why. THEN poor Ella has to deal with her 6 year old being diagnosed with a deadly cancer, finding out the truth about what happened to her brother, her love interest is responsible for killing her brother, then she finds out beckett really is chaos. Its just way too much for one person to have to go through ans then finally something good happens.. Maisies in remission. Shes cancer free. Finally something good ! That ella deserves. But then the author has to throw in the field trip and hiking and saving Emma to have colt die. I just thought it was too much for the main character to handle and very unnecessary. I bawled my eyes out. This was the saddest book I ever read. I enjoyed it. I did. I just think it was too over the top. Then Maisie becomes best friends with Emma, a reminder to ella that her son is gone and Emma got to live.. ans her daughter is best friends with her. Its probably harsh but I had to express my feelings. It mad me sad, angry and im glad I finished it. It was good but I think the author tried too hard to be sad.

If this doesn't scream the author tried too hard to be sad and like a competition between whats more sad the show this is us or this book? Surprisingly, id choose this book. ⭐⭐⭐💫

[podcastsandcoffee]

Rules:

tagged by: @sociallyawkward--fics

answer these 85 statements about yourself, then tag 20 people

tagging: I don’t have 20 friends. Soo... @meginoi @pirate-patton @parkersanders

Last

1. drink - Water

2. phone call - My cousin

3. text message - “Bless”

4. song you listened - “Say Something” A Great Big World

5. time you cried - I cry when I’m angry so uhm... yesterday

6. dated someone twice? - I’ve been single forever

7. kissed someone and regretted it - Neber kissed anyone.

8. been cheated on - Nope

9. lost someone special - 6 Months ago

10. been depressed - It’s a way of life

11. gotten drunk and thrown up - most I’ve had is a few sips

fave colours

12. Purple

13. Black

14. Teal

in the last year have you…

15. made new friends - Not really

16. fallen out of love - Fallen in love perhaps

17. laughed until you cried - all the time

18. found out someone was talking about you - still salty about it.

19. met someone who changed you - Im gonna say yes even though it was more a year and a half ago

20. found out who your friends are - yea

21. kissed someone on your Facebook friends list - Never kissed anyone so...

general

22. how many of your facebook friends do you know irl - Most of them? I don’t count.

23. do you have any pets - My cat Blu and my dog Lexi.

24. do you want to change your name - I’d prefer to change my real namers Luna

25. what did you do for your last birthday - Had a couple of friends over and went out to eat.

26. what time did you wake up today - 6am

27. what were you doing at midnight last night - Talking to the one that tagged me for this

28. what is something you cant wait for - Moving out of the house, being able to make my own decisions on my mental health, not having to hide everything about myself from my parents.

30. what are you listening to right now - “Perfect” by Simple Plan

31. have you ever talked to a person named tom - Yep. Don’t remember where but I remember the name.

32. something that’s getting on your nerves - people that think th can be my friend just because they want to use me for my intellect.

33. most visited website - Tumblr

34. hair color - Ginger. I’m you average redhead.

35. long or short hair - relatively long. Reaches the bottom of my shoulder blades.

36. do you have a crush on someone - *cough* erm. Mhm

37. what do you like about yourself - Oh no. A self love question. I like that I do a lot of extra curricular things?

38. want any piercings? - yea. I want two more on my ears.

39. blood type - AB???

40. nicknames - Luna, Lu, A

41. relationship status - singleeee

42. zodiac - Scorpio! October 30

43. pronouns - she/her

44. fave tv shows - Gravity Falls, Designated Survivor, Stranger Things

45. tattoos - I really want a small butterfly on my wrist.

46. right or left handed - left handed

47. ever had surgery - nope

48. piercings - one in my ears.

49. sport - Marching Band? Does that count?

50. vacation - I’ve been to Jamaica? I’d love to visit Japan!

51. trainers - I call them tennis shoes but they’re great.

more general

52. eating - I had a really small steak for lunch

53. drinking - I’m not drinking anything but I had water for lunch

54. i’m about to watch - Soul Eater or Gravity Falls

55. waiting for - my sanity, romance (I swear I’m a hopeless romantic), freedom, The feeling of not being stressed

56. want - my friends to be happy, love, money, sleep. So much sleep

57. get married - I’d love to one day.

58. career - Technical Thetre or Artist

which is better

59. hugs or kisses - Hugs

60. lips or eyes - EYES! I love doing eye makeup

61. shorter or taller - id rather be taller.

62. older or younger - Older. I’m mature for my age and I cannot stand people my age. Let alone younger. Plus the older you are the more freedom you have.

63. nice arms or stomach - stomach. I hate my muffin top. :P

64. hookup or relationship - relationship. I emotionally invest in someone before even thinking about them that way. Hence I’ve had the same crush for three years

65. troublemaker or hesitant - super, super hesitant.

have you ever

66. kissed a stranger - nooooo I can barely think about kissing himmm

67. drank hard liquor - nope

68. lost glasses - I did for a couple of days and nearly had a heart attack. That’s why I keep ALL of my old glasses

69. turned someone down - ahhhhh I had to and I felt so bad but I didn’t LIKE him...

70. sex on first date - I’m asexual

71. broken someone’s heart - ...I’m sorry I had to turn you down!

72. had your heart broken - and old crush back in fourth grade. He sucked anyways. Was a player and is now kinda dumb.

73. been arrested - Nuh uh. Not while I’m even slightly sane

74. cried when someone died - no. I’m strangely apathetic to those things. Like- I know I should be sad and I should feel sad but I just don’t.

75. fallen for a friend - Yea.

do you believe in

76. yourself - hah. That’s funny

77. miracles - I don’t know.. that just feels too good to be true.

78. love at first sight - not at all.

79. santa claus - no

80. kiss on a first date - that is a no bueno

81. angels - I like to think so.

other

82. best friend’s name - Erin!

83. eye colour - Green/Grey/Blue/Brown. My eyes can’t decide

84. fave movie - The Greatest Showman?

85. fave actor - Hugh Jackman. He was in Les Mis and The Greatest Showman so.

[thecinnabitch]

All

*sigh*1) "What is your middle name?" Nicole2) "What is your age?" hehehehe3) "What is your birthday?"December 24) "What is your zodiac sign?"Sagittarius 5) "What is your favorite color?"it fluctuates between purple,green,and orange 6) "What's your lucky number?"uh 167) "Do you have any pets?"Yee. 1 white cat named Titus that you've probably seen in a couple of my posts and 1 dog named jasmine that I've had since I was 2 and a half8) "Where are you from?"uh Norman Oklahoma I guess 9) "How tall are you?"5'1 (yes I am smol)10) "What shoe size are you?"uh 5 in women's (yes I am smol)11) "How many pairs of shoes do you own?"19 but I only wear 2 of them12) "What was your last dream about?"idk 13) "What talents do you have?"none honestly 14) "Are you psychic in any way?"yeah I predict stuff a lot and finish people's sentences 15) "Favorite song?"it changes daily but right not its feisty by jhameel16) "Favorite movie?"I watched avatar (the movie about the blue people) when I was like 5 and haven't seen many movies since so I guess that one is my favorite 17) " Who would be your ideal partner?" my waifu Katherine 18) "Do you want children?"yeah19) "Do you want a church wedding?"never been in a church in my life tbh even though I was raised by extremely Christian parents 20) "Are you religious?"nope21) "Have you ever been to the hospital?"yep I'm a clumsy bitch aha and a lot of people in my family have died22) "Have you ever got in trouble with the law?"no?23) "Have you ever met any celebrities?"yeah this one time I was at Starbucks and this guy walked in and we both just stared at each other because he knew that I knew he was famous and he just smiled at me and ordered his coffee 24) "Baths or showers?"both25) "What color socks are you wearing?"uh rainbow26) "Have you ever been famous?"uh I was in the newspaper because I wore a scooby doo costume for Halloween when I was 627) "Would you like to be a celebrity?"uh yeah, money fam28) "What type of music do you like?"something with a good beet29) "Have you ever been skinny dipping?"one time when I was 11 my bikini top came off in a public pool30) "How many pillows do you sleep with?"uh 2 but I sleep with 6 giant stuffed animals 31) "What position do you usually sleep in?"Well I move around a lot in my sleep but I fall asleep on my stomach with one leg at a right angle and one hand under my pillow32) "How big is your house?" I've been told it's pretty big but if you want the specifics it's roughly 3,200 square feet33) "What do you typically have for breakfast?"Uh eggs34) "Have you ever fired a gun?"Pff my dad is in the military I've been firing guns since I could stand35) "Have you ever tried archery?"You're looking at the school champion of my elementary school36) "Favorite clean word?"Food37) "Favorite swear word?"I say fuck at least 3 times in each sentence 38) "What's the longest you've ever gone without sleep?"About 18 days (send help)39) "Do you have any scars?" I have a lot everywhere because I'm clumsy and also depressed so yay40) "Have you ever had a secret admirer?"Probably in grade school 41) "Are you a good liar?" Absolutely how do you think I'm not in therapy or in a mental asylum yet?42) "Are you a good judge of character?"Sometimes I guess 43) "Can you do any other accents other than your own?"Besides me accidentally having an accent when I sing not really44) "Do you have a strong accent" I guess not?45) "What is your favorite accent?"Honestly I find them all cute/sexy46) "What is your personality type?"Uh I'm an introvert and an extrovert so i'm confusing aha47) "What is your most expensive piece of clothing?"Uh I think I got a 100 dollar jacket once48) "Can you curl your tongue?"Yes, in a lot of ways 49) "Are you an innie or an outie?"Innie50) (thank god im halfway I'm doing these all at 3 AM) "Left or right handed?"Both51) "Are you scared of spiders?"Nope52) "Favorite food?"This is weirdly specific but grilled chicken alfredo 53) "Favorite foreign food?"Uh see #5254) "Are you a clean or messy person?"Messy55) "Most used phrase?""I fucking have my life"(followed by a laugh)56) "Most used word?""Fuck"57) "How long does it take you to get ready?"Like an hour 58) "Do you have much of an ego?"Bruh I fucking hate myself no59) "Do you suck or bite lollipops?"Usually succ60) "Do you talk to yourself?"Yeah a lot it's sad61) "Do you sing to yourself?"When I'm alone, constantly 62) "Are you a good singer?"I've been told that I am but I don't think so63) "Biggest fear?" Never getting betterand disappointing people 64) "Are you a gossip?"No65) "Best dramatic movie you've seen?"I don't watch a lot of movies 66) "Do you like long or short hair?"On boys: longOn girls: shortOn myself (a girl): long67) "Can you name all 50 states of America?"No68) "Favorite school subject?"Lunch69) (hehehe) "Extrovert or introvert?" See #4670) "Have you ever been scuba diving?"Yes71) "What makes you nervous?"e v e r y t h i n g72) "Are you scared of the dark?"I'm only scared of what's hiding behind the darkness.73) "Do you correct people when they make mistakes?" Depends on my mood entirely 74) "Are you ticklish?"Also depends on my mood entirely 75) "Have you ever started a rumor?"I started a rumor that my real name was Brooke instead of Riley 76) "Have you ever been in a position of authority?"Only in group projects or when people are fighting 77) "Have you ever drank underage?"I accidentally drank beer when I was 4 because I thought it was Coke Zero 78) "Have you ever done drugs?"I'm the drug virgin in my group of friends 79) "Who was your first real crush?"His name was Quinn and we met in 6th grade and I had a huge crush on him for 3 years 80) "How many piercings do you have?"One in each ear but I've had them re-pierced like 3 times because I kept taking them out but now I haven't taken them out in 5 years81) "Can you roll your r's?"Yes, very well82) "How fast can you type?"I'm a chicken typer i've been exposed83) "How fast can you run?" I'm actually pretty fucking fast and i can run for a long time 84) "What color is your hair?"Uh when I was born it was black and when I was 6 months old it all fell out and white-blonde hair grew in and that's my current hair color85) "What color is your eyes?"When I was born they were purple but they slowly dulled down to a medium blue 86) "What are you allergic to?" Besides people, nothing 87) "Do you keep a journal?"Yes but I only use it to write songs in88) "What do your parents do?"My dad is a very high ranking person in the military and my mom pays a bunch of people in this huge glass building 89) "Do you like your age?"I'd rather go back to 4th grade when I didn't have depression and my best friend/wife still lived in Oklahoma 90) "What makes you angry?"Stupid people including myself 91) "Do you like your own name?"It's a little boring but I like it (I'm named after a superhero that only my mom remembers)92) "Have you already thought of baby names, and if so what are they?"I've known what I want my kids to be called since 1st grade . I want to name my daughter after a precious jewel. Or isis the rainbow god. I'll let my significant other name our son.93) "Do you want a boy a girl for a child?"(they said a instead of or but I'm keeping it)I kinda just answered that but I want a boy and a girl94) "What are your strengths?"Uh my empathy and my ability to see the good in anyone. And I'm pretty stronk for a smol girl haha95) "What are your weaknesses?"My empathy and my fear of disappointing people 96) "How did you get your name?"As I said before I'm named after a superhero that only my mom remembers97) "Were your ancestors royalty?"Honestly, probably 98) (skip because they've already asked this)99) "Color of your bedspread?"Blue100) (FUCK FINALLY) "Color of your room?" Mostly yellow (my curtains and my rug are yellow) I fucking hate you William

[zairehyun-blog]

do ask memes :o

ALL OF THEM!? ON THE ENTIRE WEBSITE!? no but since i love you i will ~

Halloween asks : done

‘Let’s get personal’: done

Sweet asks:

vanilla - how has your week been?

An honest to god mess, but that’s okay. It’ll get better soon~

chocolate - what do you crave right now?

Attention.

red velvet - what type of music do you like?

All tbh

ice cream - if you were an animal, what kind would you be?

I WOULD BE RILAKKUMA (u may be like zaire that’s not an animal. shhh let me be rilakkuma)

cake - describe your ideal location

like.. im just gonna say what i consider home

new zealand or osaka 💫

mocha - what are three things that make you feel warm inside?

my bby

the stars

writing abt my day at night

frosting - describe your appearance

uhm Mmmm i don’t know how i would.

marshmallow - do you sleep with plushies? if so, which are your favorites?

I DO INDEED i sleep with my moomin

sorbet - describe an ideal summer day

Going on adventures ;; especially car rides n stuff like that ✨

butterscotch - describe an ideal autumn day

going outside and walking around and the cold wind n i m happy it’s autumn 🍂

caramel - describe an ideal winter day

DRINKING HOT CHOCOLATE AND WATCHING TV IN AN OVERSIZED SWEATER WHILE IT SNOWS AND THEN GOING OUTSIDE TO PLAY IN THE SNOW ❄️

pecan - describe an ideal spring day

sitting outside n just enjoying all the flowers c”:

mint - what’s new in your life?

my bby

pie - “home is where…”

he is

macaroon - list three things you feel inspired to do

draw again

to cosplay

2 mAKE HOT CHOCOLATE NOW

Send me a number:

1: where are you from?

I was born in London but I was raised in New Zealand

2: how old are you?

I’m 18

3: when is your birthday?

March 13th

4: what is your favorite music genre?

It all depends on my mood

5: religious?

Yes

6: do you believe in ghosts?

Yes

7: would you want to be immortal?

Yes and no, I would hate to lose everyone who isn’t but I would love to see how the world will evolve idk

8: favorite book?

Alice in Wonderland

9: favorite song?

MIC DROP ASJGHSD

10: favorite band/singer?

I have too many but between bts and exo :3

11: sexual preference?

Indifferent to gender

12: virgin? If not, how old were you when you had sex for the first time?

No & 16

13: do you drink, if yes, tell me what?

Nah.

14: do you smoke?

No

15: ever did drugs?

No

16: ever visit a festival?

Yes

17: do you have pets? tell me about them!

I have 2 cats ✨

Ayumu & Kiyoshi

18: how many countries have you been to?

A lot , my dads travel 2 much

19: do you speak another language besides english? If yes, write a sentence in that language!

Korean - 안녕 사랑해!

Japanese - やあ、君を愛している！

and Arabic - مرحبا انا احبك!

They all say Hi, I love you! C:

20: vegan, vegetarian or meat eater?

21: be creative! write a short story about something that comes into your mind!

ASGIJSDHKJf i hate

one day we all heard zayn left the band and it was the worst day ever like they had a song called the best day ever no bitch this is the worst day ever and we all went 2 bed and it was all a mutual dream we all had (WTF WAS THIS ASKJGHKSD)

22: put your iPod on shuffle and tell me the first 10 songs

i don’t have my phone near me either

23: grab the nearest book and give me the last sentence of page 124

I have no books near me....

24: tell me about your crush

i’m answering his ask

25: any weird habits?

If i get scared i start sucking on the back of my thumb

26: ever been rude to a teacher?

Yeah

27: ever talked to yourself?

I always do...

28: extrovert or introvert?

In the middle

29: the most embarrassing moment in your life?

WHEN MY DAD GOT DRUNK AND STARTED FLIRTING wITH MY OTHER DAD AND WAS LIKE “u single”

and my other dad said “no.” and MY daD cRIEd AJHKGDS

30: what keeps you going?

🍯 you c: 🍯

31: ever thought about suicide?

Always

32: do you suffer from a mental illness?

Yeah

33: I'm bored, tell me something funny that happened to you!

I once fell down a flight of stairs because I thought someone was walking up them and I wanted to beat them, but like as I was falling I realised I was walking downstairs and no one was there.

34: your 5 favorite blogs

1. @spook-hyun

2. @lucidyeol

3. @hosvoks

4. @ultchen

5. any suggestion blog tbqh

35: 10 facts about yourself

1. I can bend my pinky all the way back lmao

2. It took me one night to learn Korean :’)

3. I’m a self taught artist

4. the first cat I ever had, I randomly found and I nursed him back to health and he never left me C:

5. I used to want to be a vet/or just someone around animals at all times

6. I used to live by the ocean and yet i’m lowkey afraid of it askJGHKSD

7. I started this blog as a safe space ✨

8. I have a twin sister who’s older than me by a minute

9. I have a younger sister who still calls me her little brother....

10. i’m madly in love

36: 3 things you like about yourself

Nothing

37: 3 things you hate about yourself

Everything

38: biggest turn on?

AHEH IM NOT DISCLOSING THAT I have a stalker who’s gonna try shit so no

29: biggest turn off?

someone who’s controlling. ;e; like i get if you’re like warning me abt something but if you’re like thisthen yeah fuck off.

30: when did you join tumblr?

January 2014

Luxury Asks:

bubble bath: do you have any routines before bedtime? like skin care, etc. what are they?

AHA YALL READY FOR THIS

I wash my face n then i brush my teeth and then i put lotion on and i change and then i drink green tea and watch anime lmao and that’s it

champagne: what topic could you talk about for hours?

You

crushed velvet: have you ever used your charm to get something you want?

AHEH HOW DO U THINK I GOT HYUN

diamonds: how do you feel about excessively spending money?

I mean, if it’s for a shopping spree for good reason (like u got cheated on and are trying to make yourself happy) then yeah, but if you do it everyday then no

faux fur: describe your wardrobe.

lots of oversized sweaters and jeans and cosplay outfits

glitter: describe someone special to you.

His eyes look like honey when the sun shines on them and every time it happens I fall in love

gold: describe what you would call the most perfect meal.

mY DADS KIMCHI COME FOR ME

jazz: name a song that resonates with you and your emotions. explain the reason why.

Go go because 

“I want to be cruisin’ on the bayI want to be cruisin’ like NemoNo money but I wanna go far awayI don’t have money but I wanna relaxNo money but I wanna eat Jiro Ono’s sushi

Worked hard to get my payGonna spend it all on my stomachPinching pennies to spend it all on wasting itLeave me be, even if I overspendEven if I break apart my savings tomorrowLike a crazy guy”

lace: what is something in your life completely different from last year?

My happiness

lingerie: do you consider yourself a promiscuous person?

If I remember the definition correctly 

kinda? but I stopped being that way

lipstick: do you enjoy talking to strangers?

n...no not at all lmAO unless it’s like at a comic con or something like that then yeah

pearls: what's something about your personality that surprises others?

I open up to people when I feel comfortable with them, like, I seem really shy and reserved but I open up to everyone I meet as long as I’m comfortable. 

penthouse: what would you consider your dream home? describe it.

AAAH my old house

perfume: if you could make your own signature fragrance, what would it smell like?

Ironically my cologne is really strong but it’s not so strong you’re like *dies inside*, it’s like, it’s strong so you remember it and if you smell it somewhere, you’re like “Zaire?”

robe: how do you prepare for an evening alone with a loved one/date?

I HYPE MYSELF UP AND THEN I GET READY LMAO

roses: If it had to be winter, autumn, spring or summer for the rest of your life, which would you choose?

AUTUMN AUTUMN AUTUMN LIKE 

AUTUMN ABT TO TURN WINTER YES

satin: what is your most favorite article of clothing?

this oversized as FUcK black sweater that says “fuck off” in japanese on the sleeves asghsdjkfl 

sheet mask: what's your favorite lazy activity?

drinking tea while watching anime

silk: do you have more inner or outer beauty?

Inner

silver: do you have any obscure hobbies? what are they?

I’ll draw on the wall and then i’ll paint over it??? unless i rlly rlly like it

sparkling water: what are your top three songs for the summer?

ew summer

wine: what kind of drunk are you (happy/affectionate, angry, sad, fun/wild)? if you don't drink, what kind do you think you WOULD be?

Well, 

one dad acts all normal and like he’s not drunk and he makes perfect sense and he’s fully aware of everything and can walk perfectly and cook

my biological dad on the other hand is all emotional and affectionate n happy n soft lMAO so i guess i’d be like my biological dad

wow bby i hope you enjoyed this

[kvngmin]

im never gna be able to use this gif again so enjoy !! dis is cecy ( 20, she/her, gmt+1 ) aka the uglie w 3 male charas bc she cant play females. fun fact: myungsoo is kangmin’s 6th fc bc i cant evr make up my mind .. this is his final form .. i think dlsfksl. y’all kno i lov angst n this rite here is my angst machine, king of angsty backstories, a goddamn mess ( no one hates my charas more than i do ) so hit that lil heart for the plots ! also a few triggers in this intro so pls dont feel obligated to read - if u wna plot n haven’t read it, just lemme kno n i’ll give u a v nice n considerably less trigger-heavy summary ! [ solar vc ] leggo ! 

TW: bullying, murder, rape, depression, suicide attempts, death sentence [all v briefly mentioned]

22 years old, born in daegu, moved around a lot before ending up in seoul when he was around 8

it was all pretty good tbh, his parents had their issues, but they loved him v much !

he did rly good in school n was rly kind n just such a model citizen !! he had everything !! so much potential !!

here come the Yikes™

bc of this he started getting bullied by this gang of assholes when he was around 16. it was… pretty awful

in an attempt to actually stop the bullying, kangmin joined them and they let him mostly bc it was amusing

they were bad ppl tho, destroying private property, setting things on fire, beating up others, all the fun stuff !! kangmin was always a bit in the background tho, always uncomfortable w it all

he actually managed to remain himself for the most part until The Thing happened

his so-called ‘’’friends’’’ had raped n murdered this 13 yr old and kangmin had only arrived there later, walking right into a trap the others had set up for him. at this time, kangmin was 18

all evidence pointed towards him, the actual cinnamon roll, the rl sunshine… he was devastated, even more so when they gave him the death sentence haha can u imagine the psychological toll yeah he was fucking crushed

got hella fucking depressed n tried to off himself 4 times, has some nasty scars after it

a year later his sentence was reduced to lifetime n he was allowed to speak to his parents again n they .. fucking hated him lol so he basically lost everyone n everything n kinda just accepted defeat ..

bc of the accusations against him he was treated rly badly in prison by the other inmates, but he also lowkey noticed that they were scared of him a lil, n then when was 20 he was like lol ok they want me to be a murderer i’LL B A GODDAMN MURDERER

hypothetically tho

so w his reputation as a heartless maniac he became the boss ass mafia of the prison fuck u aLL this is my house now

lol just recently the police found out that shit… u innocent… fukc

so he was released from prison fairly recently like couple of months ago ?? he was given a nice amount of money but had nothing to return to so ;))

he’s rly fucking bitter n angry but most of all kangmin is rly rly rly fucking sad n keeps pushing everyone away bc he doesnt !! want help !! yes he does

n he’s just so crushed his life turned out this way but he tries to kill every bit of what is left of him bc what is the point anymore lmao ? the boi i used to be almost got killed so ? but he’s too soft to b a rl meanie lbr so he just appears kinda emotionally Dead . he’s harmless for the most part y’all 

he has developed anger issues tho n he can get rl violent 9/10 dont recommend

if u dig deep enough u might find the old kangmin …….. maybe

[takeachanceff]

Changes: Chapter 20

Melina "I'm ending it" he said looking me in the eyes. "Okay" i said making him smile. "Trust me baby our family is gonna be safe" he said before he tucked a piece of hair behind my ear. "I trust you" I mumbled then I smiled at him. He went back on the driver side then turned the car on. We pulled off from the hospital parking lot. The day I met Rickey was the worst day of my life. All he did was pick on me and call me names. I hated the fact that my dad would make us talk to each other. He's been a thorn in my side ever since. I put my window some to get some air. We've been driving in silence. I looked over at Jason admiring his features as he concentrated on driving. We both agreed for him to take me to my mothers house. I didn't want him to be since I'm pregnant there isn't much for me to do. His words wouldn't get out of my head. He doesn't know that I got an abortion when I was 18. I was terrified at the time to tell my father and Jason. This was a couple weeks after Rickey raped me. I wasn't sure if the baby was his or Jason's. It scared the hell out of me. I prayed that it was Jason's because at the time we weren't using condoms. We always talked about having a family together even back then. I never had the heart to tell him because it killed me to see him so sad. He constantly blamed himself for me having a 'miscarriage'. It took him weeks to get himself together. Should I even tell him? What would be the point? Closure? Would he hate me? [Flashback 7 years ago] I've been in bed for the past couple of days. My father and I still are talking. All the things he said about Jason and our baby. He doesn't know the first thing about him. My father is the last person to fall about anyone he was married and was still unfaithful. So please save me the lecture, I'm not even sure if that baby was Jason's. That scares me more than anything. My baby is gone, and I'm the blame for that. I let my father talk me into getting rid of the baby. He told me that he was going to disown me and my baby. I'm only 18 I haven't moved out yet. Fuck. A tap on my window caught my attention. I carefully got out of bed and opened my window to Jason in. He'd sneak in when I couldn't stay at his place. I went back to my bed and got comfortable under the covers. He smiled and lied next to me. "You think the baby will be a girl or a boy?" He asked and my heart broke at his question. I didn't answer trying to hold in my tears. "Mel, if you're worried that I'm gonna leave you. I already told you that I'm not going anywhere. I'm not my father I refuse to leave my child behind" he assured me. I turned to face him and sniffed. "J-Jason it's not that" I finally got out. "Then what's wrong? Why you crying ma?" He asked now looking concerned. I shook my head then closing my eyes shut trying not to cry harder. "Baby please talk to me what's wrong?" He said I felt him put his arms around me. "I-I can't you're gonna hate me.." I said hiding my face in his shoulder. "I would never hate you I can only understand if you tell me. What's going on?" He asked again. I stayed quiet for a bit trying to figure out how I'm going to tell him that the baby was gone. "I'm here for you baby it's okay" he said rubbing my back. "I-I lost the baby..." I admitted. He didn't say anything and the tears came out more frequently. "I'm sorry please don't hate me" I begged. He still remained silent but he held me tighter. "Our baby is gone?" He asked in disbelief and I nodded still crying in. "How?" "I- I miscarried" I lied. I feel horrible lying but I can't tell him that I got the abortion it's too much. "Mel I'm so sorry I should've been there for you baby... I'm sorry" he said before kissing my cheek. "I should've been there I could've protected you" he continued. "J its not your fault-" he cut me off. "I could've done something all this stress wasn't good for you now our baby is gone" he let me go then ran his hands down his face. "Damn it..." ................. I put my head back and looked out the window to look up at the stars. After twenty more minutes of driving we finally pulled up to my moms houses. We were welcomed by by flashing police lights. Jason parked and turned off the car. I took my seat belt getting out the car walking up to the house Berle being stopped by a cop. "Excuse me ma'am I'm going to have to ask you to back up this is a on going investigation" the cop said. "This is my mothers house and my son is in there" I stated trying not to get annoyed. "Ma'am please just stay back and let us do our job" he said putting his hand out to back me up some. Instead of getting pissed, I left it alone and let them do their job. "What's going on?" Jason asked walking up behind me. "I have no idea" I mumbled as I folded my arms. "Is my son okay?" Jason asked the cop. "Sir just let us do our job" he said clearly annoyed. "Where the fuck is my son man?!" Jason yelled. I held his arm to get him out of the cops face. "Stand behind the line or I'm taking you to jail!" He yelled back. "For what asking about the well being of my son!" "GET BACK THERE OF IM ARRESTING YOU!" "YOU AINT GOT PROBABLE CAUSE NIGGA!" Jason yelled back. "Baby stop" I begged. "Nah these niggas get badges and they think they over the law" he said before clenching his jaw. "Jason stop please" I said before another cop came up to us. "Are you Jason Hennigan?" He asked. "Yeah" he answered then the cop handcuffed him. "You're under arrest" he said making my heart drop. "For what?" "Drug trafficking, you have a right to remain silent anything you say will be and can be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney-" "Drug trafficking?! What the fuck?! I ain't do anything!" Jason yelled as he was put in the cop car. "Wait wait you can't arrest him" I said. "Yes ma'am we can and we did have a good night" they took him away and I could feel my breathing become heavier. Teri He held me tight and I couldn't help but embrace all of it. All of him. My mind finally slowed down. I was in the safest place I knew of, his arms. Even know a cold and wet room he made it feel like the warmest place on Earth. We didn't speak much, but we knew what each other were saying. "I'm gonna get us out of here" he said looking down at me. "Okay.." he let me go standing up to pace the cell. "I don't know how we're gonna get out-" "Where you think you going?" A voice said catching our attention. I looked to find Jerrod. "Open this fuckin door" Derrick said through the grit of his teeth. "Oh you think you tough huh?" Jerrod asked before laughing. "You really think you getting out of here easy" he continued. "Where's Rodney Jerrod? I'm not playing your games" I finally spoke up and he looked at me. "Don't worry about it?" He mumbled. "You'll see him real soon" "Stop fuckin playing with me and tell me where my son is!" I yelled getting irritated. Jerrod knew how to test my temper. He laughed and start to head out. "Hey! She asked you a question" Derrick yelled. "And I chose not to answer her" he replied uninterested. "Why don't you let me out this cage face me like a man?" I've never seen Derrick angry and I'm not sure if should be turned on or afraid. Jerrod kept his back turned to us which pissed me off even more. "I swear to God tell me where the fuck my son is" I said through my teeth. Jerrod chuckled and finally turned to face me. "You wanna how manny really died?" He asked. "What the fuck are you talking about?" I asked bitterly he then smirked walking closer to the cell. "You've always been mine Teri way before you were aware of it" he said putting his hand behind his back. I scoffed at his words yeah this nigga is looney. "I knew he had a mental illness so I decided to play on it" he started. "I knew from the moment I saw you that you were mine. He was in the way so I had to get rid of the problem. I watched how he interacted with you and even got to know Manny ol boy" "What did you do to him?" I asked before clenching my jaw. "I did nothing he pulled the trigger himself. I just made some adjustments" "Meaning what Jerrod" I semi- yelled. "I maybe fabricated some images with you and some other guy maybe even a couple of fake phone calls with you and some guy to drive him insane" he stated nonchalantly before smirking. "You son of a bitch!" I yelled charging at him before Derrick held me back. "I knew killing him self would be too messy so why not make him kill himself" he said shrugging. "Jerrod imma fucking kill you!" I said trying to get out of Derrick's grip. "No need to get all crazy now one of us will be dead but it won't be me" he said. "You wanna bet" I said and he chuckled. "I think your surprise can be here a little early" he smirked. "Man fuck outta here wit yo shit" Derrick yelled. Jerrod didn't respond he smirked before heading to a door. He unlocked the door and motioned someone to come forward. I noticed that it Rocko walking with him and I walked closer to the cell. Jerrod whispers something to him. "Roc open the door honey" I said to him. Rocko didn't say anything he just stared at me with a blank expression. "What did you do to him?" I asked disgusted. "Nothing just enlightened him" Jerod said smirking before leaning down to whisper to him. Rocko nodded and pointed a gun at us. I closed my eyes tight and took a deep breath. "Children simply don't forget Teri you of all people should know that!" he yelled. "Shut up..." I mumbled. "Like when your father resurfaced after all those years leaving you in that empty apartment with no food, no lights, absolutely nothing," "I said shut up!" I yelled. "It hurts doesn't it?" Jerrod began. "To be reminded of your past you try so hard to run from it but here I am to simply remind you. That you can't run from what your past had you to be" he smirked. My father... That old son of a bitch. 17 years ago Atlanta, Georgia. My friends and I were outside playing hide and seek. It was getting dark and they all had to go inside before the street lights came on. "Bye Teri see you later" Ronnie said to me as he got on his bike. I waved back at him as he peddled away. I then walked back into the apartment building heading up to the second floor to the unit I lived in. I opened the door and took of my jacket hanging it on the rack before I closed the door behind me. There was some lady passed out on the couch she wore a short red skirt with a white shirt that had a stain on it. I didn't like coming inside but my dad would have a fit if I stayed out too long. Sometimes he wouldn't notice I was gone. I walked toward my room and I entered. The room only had a lamp with no cover on it, chipped red paint on the walls, and a fire escape. I closed the blinds before sitting on my bed. I decided to turn on my radio that was sitting next on my dresser. I found a station and looked under my bed found my small toy box. I looked up and saw my brother Noah standing in the door way. "Hey kid" he said walking in. "Hey" I moved my dolls aside and to let him sit down. "I wanted to talk to you about something" "Okay" "Well I've decided to go into the army so I can get money and get you out of here" I gave him a look. "Look I know I know it's not the greatest idea but it's a start, I can make enough money to pay for us to get a house and pay for your school" he explained and I remained quiet. "I'm always here for you kid" he said before pulling me into a hug. My dad stood in the door way and he sniffed. He just got high. I didn't know exactly at the time that he was on cocaine, but I did know that something wasn't right about him. My brother let me go and clenched his jaw. "What you want?" Noah asked him. "I-I need you to watch your sister" he said before he sniffed again. I shook my head and turned the radio down. "Don't I always?" Noah stated. "I'm going on a uh business trip I'll be back" my dad said. "When will you be back?" I asked. "Soon," he stated then leaving the door way. "Wait? So you just leaving and we barely got any money or food and you just leaving?!" Noah yelled. They argued for a few minutes before my father finally left. The next week my brother enlisted in the army leaving me in the apartment he told me that he would call our grandparents to come get me, but that took two months. I was only nine. My father didn't reappear until a couple years ago. Rodney was three. 2 years ago The whole family gathered at the park for the family fish fry it was a big turn out as always. I picked up Derrick and Trey from the airport this morning. I was so happy to see him l; I needed his around. Everything was going great, despite my paranoia. I have my three favorite people with me so I'm good. For now. My family really likes Derrick, that's a good sign. He's playing basketball with some of the guys in my family. The girls were bombarding Trey with questions and pictures. Rocko was playing with the other kids; he was running and laughing. Maybe I shouldn't be so paranoid. I got a chance to catch up with a lot of family members that I use to be very close to. "Teri" mama yelled from the table she was sitting. She motioned me to come here. I walked towards her to see what's she wanted. She pulled me away from everyone. "What's up mama?" She stayed quiet as she continued you to walk me towards the parking lot. "Did I do something-" I stopped in my tracks when I saw my father... "What the hell is he doing here?" I tensed up and could feel my getting pissed by the minute. "Teri that's your father" my grandma retorted. "I don't care" that nigga hasn't done anything for me. He wouldn't shit then; he ain't shit now. "You haven't changed a bit Teri. Still angry with the world-" I cut him off "You don't know anything about me" I looked him up and down before clenching my jaw. "You didn't give a shit as to where I laid my head or what I was doing. You abandon me and my brother in a dirty house. What the fuck you want from me?" my grandma gasped. I hate that I'm saying this in front of her, but I'm so pissed I don't care who's watching. "What your tongue young lady" he retorted raising his voice. "Go to hell!" I got louder. My grandma tried shushing me "Teri you're loud the family is going to hear" "I don't care let em all hear!" I yelled. He stepped closer to me closing the gap between him and I. We had an intense stare off. I can't stand this mother fucka. What he did to me is unforgivable... "You're dead to me" "Mommy, can I have soda?" Rocko asked while running up to me breaking my glare from my dad. I looked at him and smiled softly "You can a have a juice" I picked him up and looked back at the both of them. "So this is my handsome grandson. You look just like your mother when she was a little girl" my dad said while looking at Rocko. I rolled my eyes and looked away. I started walking back towards the cook out with Rocko in my arms. I love my grandma dearly but why in the hell would she make me talk to him for? I hate with everything in me. .......................... "Rodney man put the gun down" Derrick said to him breaking me out of my thoughts. I looked at Rodney and he had an emotionless facial expression. What did he tell you? "You don't wanna do this Roc" Derrick said to him. "Whatever he told you is a lie Rocko" I said. "She's just trying to get in your head son" Jerrod said to him. "JERROD SHUT UP!" Aaliyah We been driving for hours and we've stopped at every possible spot in LA that Trey could be. I looked out the window and sighed. "You hungry?" DC asked. "Uh yeah" I said sitting up. "Aight, we can stop at this In and Out Burger right quick recharge then get back at it" he said pulling into the parking lot. He parked and I looked at him. "What's wrong?" "Umm I don't think we should go into together" "Why?" "Paparazzi will get the wrong use and put out a story about us then it's on TMZ and it just looks bad" I explained. "You right you right you know what you want ?" He said as he nodded. "Yeah" I told him what I wanted and some money. "Keep ya money I got it" he said giving me my money back. "You sure?" I asked. "Yeah it's cool " he put the truck in park and got out. I pulled out my phone and went through text messages from Trey and I they were short except for the one as I was making a couple meetings. I was very stressed out about a lot of things. 'I miss you a lot babe. And I want to take the time to tell you that you mean everything in the universe to me. I cant describe how happy you make me and how much I really do love you.' Sent at 5/17/16 3:49pm. I didn't realize how long I was reading that text until I heard Nick open the door. He hands me my food bag. "Thank you" I said with a small smile. "Your welcome" he said putting our drinks in the cup holders. He then puts his bag aside to start to the car and put his seat belt on. We pulled off and started this search again. I took my food out and started to eat a couple fries. "Nick?" I said catching his attention. "Yeah?" He answered with a fry in his mouth. "what if Trey isn't in the state or even in this country?" I asked. It took a moment for him to answer. "I ain't even think about that Li but that's stretching it don't you think?" He said briefly looking at then looking at the road. "Yeah I know it's stretching it but we've looked all over this city" "I don't know where to look ma" he said. "Can we look at least?" I asked. "We'll see" he mumbled. "We'll see? Nick this is an emergency like we can't just wait around-" he cut me off. "Just chill aight we gon find him!" He yelled and I shook my head. Yeah okay.

[vinilsoup]

ok so this is a vent post caus is 2am and i woke up in pain, and im sad. Under the read more bc probably will be negative

My whole life has been a big mess. My parents were old and had an overly anxious kid (me), my mom had depression and treated me as an equal and not as a fucking child and i didnt have maturity to deal with her problems, and i started showing signs of depression really early. But instead of getting me into theraphy they put me into meds, and they always blamed me for my bad behaviator once I hit like 10 yo but like they only listened to me and my problems if i made a big deal abt it otherwise it was brushed off. They always complained to me that people said I was spoiled and it was true and somehow it was my fault and not theirs. I always felt that if I never had been born they would be happier, bc I only caused trouble and didn’t exactly knew what I did wrong. If they were in a good mood, they wouldn’t even be mad, but if I did the same thing in a bad day it was suddently a big deal.

That would have been enought to traumatize me for a long time, but idk i guess i pissed off some god or something in a past life bc I literally had to see my mother suffer a long and painful death at a hospital when I was 14. I was very close to her and the only reason I didn’t started trying to kill myself earlier is bc she was able to calm me down always, not sure how. From her death foward my life goes to complete shit. Had only one person i was able to get close to after that, and it was a pretty toxic friendship for both of us(nowadays its my best friend but i cant deny the bad past). I was also very very lonely, didnt get along with my father bc my mom used to paint him as a monster to me and i still believed that and ended up blaming him for her death which i feel really bad abt bc he was literelly depressed after her death. He told me multiple times I was the reason he was still alive, the worst part is that my mom used to say the same thing for me while I was growing up. So when she died I literally felt I had no reason to be alive anymore. 

Oh yeah and I was born into the mormon church lmao and when my mom died i started to slowly stop going to the church activities and they got mad at me bc of it like ???? when I decided to stop going, the bishop came into my house without calling, just showed at the door, and told me even if I kept following the church rules,I would still not get to heaven bc I wasn’t going every sunday.  I had told him before that i still believed it but I didn’t feel like going anymore bc I got home depressed every time I stepped into that church. After that, I wasnt able to pray for about a year bc i was terrified god would tell me to go back to the church and i didn’t want that to happen. I felt like I was going to go to hell if god was real, bc i really used to believe the mormon shit.

When things started to get better, when me and my dad started getting along and I had finally found good doctors to help me with my suicidal tendendcies (I literally tried to kill myself every month for like 2 years), my dad died. I had just turned 18. I have several issues because of trauma. I can’t trust people, I always think they’re with me bc I agree with everything and people will hate me if I don’t. I still have a lot of trouble with sexual themes bc of the mormon, i feel like i can’t slight inconvenience people or they will hate me, i feel responsable for other people hapiness, and still am not able to find I reason I want to live, I always think to live for other people, I care too much about what other people think, I’m overly sensitive, I can’t stand up for myself without feeling I’m wrong, and usually I have a panic attack if I have to stabilish boundaries with someone who disrespects me. I don’t know how to fix this. I’m trying, but its so hard to not be afraid of other people.

The good part is that I stopped trying to kill myself every month, but it still happens ocasionally. But its still very hard to me to believe things will get better, like from the beginning my life wasnt easy, and it only got harder, I absolutely still feel like my mental illness is my fault and I’m not trying hard enought to ‘beat it”. Its just so unfair, I am not able to be dependable on other people bc i feel like i can’t, i feel like i can’t be a burden and i always isolate myself. I’ve been in quarantine completely alone the last 5 months, and don’t have money to go see my family, and they seem like they don’t want me to go see them anyway. I live far from all my friends. I know this is a very bad thing but sometimes my friends tell me about their problems and I can’t take it seriously after all I’ve been thought. I try to, bc  i know what is like to not have you problems be taken seriously bc people think its not a big deal. Im very sensitive and never had my feelings taken seriously.

Like, Im supposed to believe it gets better?? It was always been hard, and I havent been able to actually enjoy life. Life was always painful and unkind to me. I had a friend who said he enjoyed life and I remember thinking he was insane, I didn’t understand, I thought life was shitty to everyone, but then I saw it wasn’t. Some people are happy. Some people don’t even have big problems. I never saw that friend of mine complain about anything. I feel bad about it bc i remember getting genuinely angry abt it, and I shouldnt be angry that other people have a good life, but I genuinely don’t understand why some people are so happy and in the other hand some people are so miserable. And I know I don’t have it that bad. It could be worse.

I’ve been dealing with my mental health my whole life, but most of the time I feel like I’m too broken to be fixed. That I never will have a life that makes me feel that being alive is worth it, because to me being alive feels like a sacrifice, it always felt. I’m scared, what if I’m never able to move foward? I don’t know if I have the strenght to fix by myself everything I have been throught. Ever since I was a kid I always said that I didn’t asked to be born and it stands to this day. I still feel responsible for my unhapiness, but I didnt ask to be me. I feel like if i was another person, id be able to deal better with all of this. 

I know its a very negative point of view, but right now its how i feel. I’m just tired, very tired.