#im mid at swimming and this would take 2 periods out of my school schedule which is already insane

[butchlifeguard]

i think we need to reclaim bihet more because its kinda true sometimes i find myself having deeply heterosexual problems

[askaboutmyaccent]

Journal log: 14:48 12/18/2017

I almost spaz'd earlier, but for what? Vulnerability is a weird feeling, but like if something gets to me that much, a priority check must be conducted. The point is, back tracking at this point in the game is not trrible, but it's not neccessary either. There is fuel in emotional pardon. I'm working on chilling out bro. Lterally focusing on what makes me feel whole. Another person is not going to give me fulfillment, and this isnt anything new, but I've been off my groovy tip for much too long. There should be a strive towrds excellence within a 3 minute interval in everyday. That's that groovy shit im talking about, practical solutiions to achieving self-fullfilment. There has been a major evolution in my knowledge of self in a 5 year period and it is much more apparent that it is not neccessary to relate at this point in life. There is no more of a necessity to seek harmony in the merritt that anyone other than myself can provide. After high school, my every intention was to disolve from the physical world of my placement and reanimate as an established contributing member to the real World that gets media coverage -- that significant. The demographic of gentrification and my current circumstance leads me to believe that i am not displaced, but arrogant. I've sat here contemplating that it would require some work and dedication to get to where i want to be with the same routine. I've been sitting on a ledge for a long time, waiting for my saving grace but that's me clowning. I can't believe in anyone more than I believe in myself, especially if i want to do all of these great things. Start a Magazine of my own, open a retail store and become a international Mogul like how Anwar Carrots did it, but better. Better, i have to be better than everyoine who i look up to in every way imaginable, I must sacrafice in order to achieve. Right now i have my wrinky dink $6000 dollar car outside and i can't even drive it without wondering how long I can put off correcting the issues. I want to be mobile and i want to be limitless in the moves that i make. Planning four steps ahead is the only solution to getting to my future goals. I see everyone making moves, and it's inspiring, but I must keep up in order to keep-up/surpass them. Museum exibits, Websites, business cards, interviews, Race-Tracks in Oregeon,Charities, youth outreaches... All of these thoughts are swimming in my headbecause if it hasnt gotten me to this oint yet then it has already happened. Tyler and Frank are a Big source of fuel for me because they are real people, frank being a real glitter boy and that's m. I'm ready to dismount from the synthetic Wold and be unpapollagetically iconic in my way. I have a lot to offer, and I must make phone calls to get where I'm suppose to be. I must schedule better. I must reward myself in actual feats, and i must stop giving individuals authority over how i operate. My progress must be disaligned with the agenda of anyone outside of myself and my higher power. If I make time for anything, there must be intentional focus for that a lotted time. Every aspect of time must be amplified in significance. The life I live from here must be stratgic. Yes I still will travel, I still will seek spirituality and a divine purpose in life, I still will touch new lives as new lives will touch me, and i must hold on to some solidarity in these times, as I am no where near broken. I must use this and regurgitate it everyday. I see my momentum slowing down and I'm gathering much more energy that I have in a very long time and to recognize that I am on the right track also means that organizing my days into weeks and my weeks into months and my months into years is what will get me out of the slums and into an established birds eyeview of the public. I want to take Akeems community aspect and blaze a trail with the objectiveness of where CQ can get is. He already has the gears turning for him, I am five years behind, but I must catch up for we will be taken much less likely as a force to be reckoned with. In just the last 2 months I have invested into an actual photoshoot for a exclusive retailer in an actual studio with two actual working models in industry. I have come up with experience an prfessional photogrphy enviornment and can incorporate this into my repetoire of sources of inspiration.That shoot turned out completely different from how I imagined to, but the incorpoation from everyone to GT, to Ymani, to Cheyenne to me and Akeem all left some type of impression on me. I remember exactly how I left with the merchandise that I left with I remember the the disdain that i was left with when settling on asking Ymani to work with or Cheyenne mid shoot. it honestly made me uncomfortable to make myself tangible for those two but it helped me grow. I seen myself little in those moments and I need that spirituality incorpoerated into my process just the same. Organic self afflicted cooperation is something that you can't not address, you must know when to breach ur ego's capacity to deconstruct everything around it and really navigate through unnatural responses of being with new people. Since that shoot I have a camera of my own now. I have shot well over 150+ exposures in vastly different controlled enviornments some with modeels others without. I am growing with this at a rte that I can't quite comprehend yet. Even in the hospital, National Geographic's imagery held me over longer than seeing a young Kobe Bryant enter into his retiremen in a Slam Magazine time lapse. Images of Cuban people, and diversity. How cool it must be to go where Camera's are really something to Marvel over. How cool to experience genuine expression at that level. I didn't even have my camera on me then and retreated in photography as a source of expression. I feel like there was an image of Dominos that really triggered me, something that I share with the most intimate memories of my grandmother, hell my mom. Ask me what C-41 film is and I'll tell you that the development gives back negatives and is a lot more easy to work with as it is a lot more common by that token. I've even learned of the different results from shooting with Kodak Gold 400 v. Fiji 100/400 v. etc. which is exciting considering the different tints that you can come out with under the right condition(warmer/colder lights)--which also reminds me that I must document different film type exposures to gather data on the filter types that are created using certain film. A business card is next in order Freelance || Photograpy will cover the depth of my business for now. Once, I manage to get a publishing or two, I may feel bold enough to pursue journalism as that will help me handle the reigns on my projected crafts. I really believe that this will come together, I just hold my breath and continue logging and ingesting inspiration. Like this video. btw, Illegal Civ put out a short film last week that I'd highly recommend watching before summer teen angst swells up. If yu haven't seen how they get to the Roxy, you must (in the words of my Pop) make the time. Alright, Cats and kit, thanks for checkin' in.

Stay Golden