#im just. man. im tired. this cant be my life. this isnt sustainable

[spectralfriend]

when i was younger the idea of a lobotomy through the nasal cavity terrified me but honestly right now it sounds kind of restful

[theworldsoul]

notes for the doctors at 3pm dec 1

sorry for putting such personal info on my tumblr, but i currently am having technical difficulties and have nowhere else 2 put this. 

ANYWAYS 

how the meds make me feel: 

10MG: TO BE COMPLETELY HONEST i didnt manage to sober up until enough time had passed that i had just switched my dosage from 10MG to 20MG, so i really cant speak for how 10MG made me feel. I WAS HIGH THE ENTIRE TIME SO IDK. theres no nice way to say this, but i just really love tripping absolute balls,,, but its not SUSTAINABLE. yknow? my grades tanked big time. I only managed sobriety when it was forced upon me and NOW, as much as i want to get high, i know it isnt sustainable. it hurts others and im tired of feeling like IM the problem. not like my brain, but ME. and i wanna be a man and im currently clean because i WANT TO BE,  but also because being forced off it opened my eyes;... and shut them all at once. My dad says i was “more jubilant” when i was on 10MG. OF COURSE I WAS MORE JUBILANT, I WAS BLASTED OUT OF MY MIND ON FUCKING!!!!!!!! DRUGS!!!!!!

ok next order of bizness: HOW THE MEDS MAKE ME FEEL: PART TWO SHARKNADO MOTHERFUCKERS!!! the motherfucking SEQUELLLLLLLL 

sorry im writing weird im kinda riding this weird high rn i almost feel weed-happy. but im not on weed. LOL its cos of my friends and dad like PEOPLE LIKE ME and i do art art and music makes me happyyyy

ok BUSINESS. 

20MG: nothing feels different. the only differences noted are as follows:

* reality struggles. i understand things are real but there is an emotional dissonance, a FOG. also i dont totally believe in objective reality lol. every news headline i read feels like it should be in the onion... not real life. examples covid vaxes and variants, astroworld, tim hortons justin bieber collab, living robots that can reproduce??? russia invading ukraine. MOSTLY COVID SHIT THO. IT FEELS SO ARTIFICAL AND FORCED INTO EXISTENCE AND I REALLY THINK THERES AN EVIL MOTIVE BEHIND IT. just saw a dog on the tl and i swear it looked fake.  but its my friends dog... this hurts a lot and i want to get rid of it, but also im afraid to get rid of it becos well, LOOK AT THE SITUATION IM IN!!! look at all the DAMAGE!! im afraid that if it feels FULLY real, ill never be able to cope. its too sad. im a living tragedy.

* i feel like im annoying and i put too much stress on everyone. maybe thats not the meds tho maybe i AM just seeing truth

*i havent self harmed in a while or really felt much need to except a few times i felt it but didnt do much (no scarring) (like biting my hand or banging my head on the wall) however this doesnt happen often enough to be of concern.

*i dont feel bad REALLY... the reality struggles make me feel OFF and down often to the point that happiness, true happiness is a LUXURY,,, but i dont feel that bad either. like i used to get level 10 sad EVERY FUCKING DAY and now i only get there when triggered by an event or i have to pass a BLOCK to get there

*BLOCKS! a block is like a state in between sadness and normalness. it feels numb and no matter what you do, it is extremely irritating to stay on the block for too long/ I WILL ATTACH AN ILLUSTRATION EXPLAINING BLOCKS

*triggered by an event: events still upset me disproportionately. for example, i took pics of my chem test RESULTS to take home and study which is uhh not allowed but i wasnt sneaky enough so the teacher noticed and she was all IAN WHAT R U DOING and i... i get like this every time an adult is mad with me. even a little bit, even if theyre right. she had to check my phone annd she aint mean shes nice but i just,,, lost all desire to be looking at my test and shit and i just put it back barely even looking at it and ran out the door down the hall and locked myself in the bathroom and sank down to my butt and sat there with my head in my knees and cried pathetically about how i didnt belong there and im an artist not a fucking chemist (the test said 50 percent lol) and i slammed my head hard against the wall twice or three times then i cried some more eventually i felt i had been in there too long so i just said benedicts prayer until i felt okay enough to face the world again then i left to class like if nothing had happened. I stress this reaction was INAPROPRIATTE. i panicked so hard over nothing. im a child 

*ex 2 grinch hat and stuffed animal leo the bear 

*i feel SUPER SAD as i type this rn but its in and out cos sometimes as soon as i begin to accept and acknowlegde my sadness it gets a block. blocks are sometimes helpful so i can keep composure but sometimes frustrating because once you crack the block too much you have no choice but to push through completely or feel unsatisfied

*i feel like i would be so much happier on weed but IM NOT ALLOWED WEED plus it tanks my chem grade

*i often find myself with nobody to talk to,,, no friends to chat with. i have many friends but i dont see them much, aand i often feel as though my newer friends do not actually like me. maybe they think im annoying and childish. my chem lab partner asked me if it was chill if she worked with this smart girl Violet. i said yeah sure and acted unbothered, and i was proud of myself for finishing the titration alone, but it sorta hurt my feelings. she always acts so cool and above all and she goes “mhmm” when i try to make her laugh and it makes me feel stupid and annoying/... and sol is always hanging with these other kids that arent my wavelength at ALL,,, and today i waited for him and one of the other kids to  pack their shit at the end of the first class cos usually we leave class together and talk in the hallways as we walk to our next classes... but to my surprise he stared at me like i wwas being weird and said “sooo ill be seeing u later?” which is just code for “why r u still here” and i said sorry hahah yeah see u tommorow :) and acted unbothered but actually when i left i saw him walking with the other kid and it felt like... idk. NOBODY VIBES WITH ME. NOBODY WANTS TO BE MY FUCKING FRIEND. all my juniour high friends are my friends and thats all i have.... all my friends can easily leave me and talk to someone less annoying but i dont have that luxury, and it breaks my heart really that my new highschoolfriends would rather hang out with anyone other than me. i wish that other kid wasnt there because he always takes all of sols attention and doesnt leave any for me, and that SOUNDS really bad but the truth is I thrive when paid attention to. i dont like to go too long without talking to people cos it makes me feel invisible. 

im miserable. please help me. ive let God down and ive let my parents down. im a failure. im the worst and i dont belong here.

up the dosage or some shit please, it hurts so bad. im sad level 10 rn... in a lot of pain. and my head hurts from bashing it against the wall.

[hopefullyababe]

man no see this could be a nice post where im like "i am going to live such a long and happy life that my body will sag with it and i will tire from it." and isnt that a nice idea. isnt it nice thinking about settling into the world and growing in tune with it after so many years.

i mean it would be if everything wasnt moving so fucking fast. i already have so much trouble adjusting to todays technology. i can only imagine as the years weigh on me and i again and again refuse to engage with more and more modern equipment so much of the world will be cut off from me. younger people will think me inept and old fashioned and difficult. yes maybe my innability to understand the modern tech might be charming at first but it will get old. it will get old like i did. i do not plan on having children. who will i have in my old age. who will be there for me. will i have friends. i have a hard time sustaining those. i dont commit very well.

just. im so fucking scared. im scared of being alone and forgotten by a world that is so much faster than me. i cant keep up. ive never been able to.

im gonna get old one day