#im just upset and a little bit maddened

[merriclo]

what’s so fascinating to me is the way damn near every author you consider “one of the greats,” who have written what you consider to be stunning and awe inspiring works of literature, thought so little of themselves. almost every famous author has entries or quotes depicting some kind of maddening self-loathing, to the point that, for many of them, it is an integral part of their reputation.

i’m not sure how to put what i mean into the proper words, but i do hope some people can look on at these brilliant people and benefit from their example. i hope many will eventually think that if Sylvia Plath or Osamu Dazai or Franz Kafka was as upset as i currently am, or doubted themselves as much as i currently do, that maybe our thoughts are a little bit of bullshit. because that’s fucking Sylvia Plath, or Osamu Dazai, or Franz Kafka. and they doubted themselves too.

something something. the greats hated themselves just as much as i hate me, but i love the greats. so maybe im just not seeing everything. something something. i’m not sure.

[sadhorsegirl]

been more quiet on here for season 2 bc a) im drastically more employed this time around (rip) b) it felt like so much of my opinion of events in this season were going to hinge upon where everything landed in the finale.

tbh i also ended up being p critical of certain elements this season and didn't feel like spoiling anybody's fun while the show was still airing new episodes. a lot of my opinions of this season were shaped by the fact that i started reading the books. i am a firm believer in allowing for necessary changes when making an adaptation and allowing it to evolve into its own thing so it also felt kind of shitty to be like. she (the books) wouldn't say that!!!! lol

anyways lol i've decided to make a little list of things i enjoyed, things i thought were mid, and things i actively disliked this season

LIKED:

a) new mat! i thought his performance was really strong and just about everything they did with him this season made me appropriately sad. bonus points for making his dynamic with min reading like a frat boy and a begrudging grad student going on a bar crawl together as "repayment" for tutoring lol

b) elayne! again i thought ceara coveny did a really good job and i liked how she fit into relationships with the other characters.

c) nynaeve and the liandrin of it all! nynaeve's arc this season was one of the strongest this season imo, and i think using liandrin to discuss the culture of abuse present in the tower was smart.

d) egwene and madeleine madden!! emmy campaign begins now!!! episode 6 was one of my favorite episodes of the season in large part due to her performance. the damane arc is truly harrowing stuff and the entire creative team handled it pretty well

c) moiraine telling lan that he was always her better in the finale!!! insanely unfortunate that this is pretty much my only Moiraine Moment without major qualms this season!!!!!!!!!!!!

d) the forsaken! their business casual swag had me laughing every time. could not stop myself from shouting w at the tv screen when mogehdien showed up at the very end

e) the ef5 reuniting in the finale! im totally fine with how this changes the ending in the books. sure i missed the giant fire battle in the sky but i gained all the besties going squad mode+elayne not introducing herself with her royal title to rand lol

MID:

a) lan and moiraine bestie devastation battle - i didn't outright hate all of this from the start like some people have but i def think this ended up severely fumbled in terms of execution. one of my fav moments in the books so far has been their fight in the second one where she basically says the most upsetting shit possible to upset him to get him to admit that he has found a new connection that could lead to an actual life (aka nynaeve) and he calls her on it but still gets upset and proves her point anyway! would have preferred moiraine went even more jigsaw emotional torture trap this season tbh

b) nynaeve's accepted test - mostly liked, felt like they didn't quite hit the right tone of dread these tests achieve in the books. its not completely a "i dreamed up a family that isn't real and now i have to abandon them" thing for me and more about how they don't understand why you have to leave them and beg you to stay. feel like this could have been more emotionally powerful

c) verin - meera syal obviously a very talented actress and she did grow on me as the season went on but i feel like she was almost TOO charismatic in a way. wanted her to be a little colder/wryer? she could definitely be charming in the books but i always felt like a lot of her power socially came from getting people to underestimate her by acting like a distracted and disconnected weirdo only to go in for the kill. missed this a bit this season

DISLIKED:

a) literally pains me to say it but.....moiraine's arc this season really didn't hit for me...felt kind of unfocused....wished she had been even more brutal in her pursuit....liked the start of her washerwoman era but it didn't really end up liking much of what came after......poor execution of what could have been a really interesting exploration of both her backstory and the way she would have to change the way she operates without the one power.....etc etc

b) cairhien :( could and probably will make a whole separate post about this but the design principles at play here were Not It for me at all. rococo? rococo bro? also don't like the way its political elements and lore were communicated which leads me right to......

c) house damodred/laman. major book spoilers ahead but thought it was a complete misfire to hold off on explaining laman's whole deal and moiraine's connection to it presumably until next season to parallel it with the aiel. cairhien is inherently shaped by the aiel war and moiraine is made a far more compelling character when u learn about her relationship to it thru her family. i thought the switch in birth order was interesting but basically every other change or delay in her backstory was a flop for me. her whole connection to trying to undo the sins of her own family makes her drive to save the world way more interesting!!! was hoping the show would take the time to expand on her relationship with elayne not (at this point seemingly) erase it. are u telling me i don't get galad now? be serious?

d) moiraine and lan's suicide conversation in episode 7. felt awkward and nearly too direct without acknowledging the fact that moiraine's dedication to The Work above all else is in some ways defacto suicidal

c) episode 7

d) siuan :((((((((((((( i get that we didn't have sophie around as much as she needed to be this season bc of contracts to other shows and stuff but man did we mismanage the time we did get with her lads....will prob also make a separate post about this as well but i do want to say that while i think her and moiraine having a major split over what to do with rand could have been interesting i think the execution is really REALLY poor here. think that confrontation would have been more emotionally powerful if they were just appealing to each other and the fourth oath wasn't used. wish people had been gossiping about what she was up to off screen so we had more context for her actions this whole season generally. L's all the way around

e) episode 7. again.

f) thought it was fucked that when lan and moiraine reestablished the bond again neither of them even brought up how he has to share any heartbreak she has over siuan now. another miss for full emotional impact

g) episode 7. AGAIN.

[incorrect-lightlark-facts]

actually wait this is so niche that you totally dont have to do it i wont be upset, but. one of my favorite desperately underutilized plots/tropes is the good old "it's my high school reunion and i hated high school because high school hated me, we're not dating but you're hot, will you come with me and imply to my former classmates that we're dating so i can get catharsis out of this event? haha i swear im not actually in love with you, i just want to win the reunion, haha." and. now the mental image of grim who hated high school getting oro to go to his reunion is absolutely Stuck in my head

MORE DISORGANIZED RAMBLING TIME THANK YOU

Not to immediately start with a tangent, but since this is implied to be a modern-ish setting, I like to do a little 🤏 worldbuilding for that sweet sweet context. Oro is an archivist for a collection of very old, suspected-of-being-haunted texts and records. Grim is a semi-successful novelist and part-time barista (one fanfiction cliché, as a treat) living mostly on an inheritance from his father. They're both in that stage of young adulthood where you're kind of just trying to work out what you give enough of a shit about to spend the rest of your life doing it. They're the kind of friends that started studying for university classes together and then stayed close because neither of them did a great job of making other friends—in Oro's case because he was pushing himself to his breaking point with his classes, and in Grim's case because he had a lot of turbulent relationships that crashed and burned.

ANYWAY. I think Oro is easy to convince since he has pretty much nothing to lose over this, plus Grim bribed him with free pastries. He is also just the tiniest bit curious because I guarantee he has not attended a single one of his own reunions. He doesn't fully believe that just being "hot" will do much for himself or Grim, so he is Very Surprised when about a dozen people immediately want to ask him very specific questions about who he is and what he does.

Oro is getting a lot of attention just as Grim planned, but everyone is still kind of ignoring Grim. A few people at least try to stop by and tell him he looks well (he interprets this as pity), but an Oro who is actually trying to be charismatic commands the room in a way that Grim just doesn't. Grim skulks off to drink offbrand diet root beer in the corner and think his broody thoughts. It pretty much feels like nothing has changed since he was in school, and he's frustrated with himself for thinking this was a good plan and frustrated with Oro for overshadowing him at his own reunion. Grim universally has Not Great self-esteem and thinks everyone is out to get him all the time, and he also feels jealous in a way he can't explain. Couldn't poooossibly be that he wants to be the one nagging Oro for attention.

Oro notices that his fake boyfriend is wallowing and finally has an excuse to leave a conversation where he is desperately trying to change the subject away from his weird job. Grim doesn't want to talk about what's bothering him, and Oro suggests they take it outside. They stand out in the high school parking lot and yall the silence is So uncomfortable. The sun is going down, so it's cool and starting to get dark outside, and Grim has this overwhelming urge to huddle against Oro and it's maddening. He never wants to be close to Oro like this (yes he does, all the time), and he sure as hell never gets jealous like this (yes he does, all the time). Meanwhile, Oro is just standing with his hands in his pockets and avoiding eye contact, pretending he isn't mentally flipping through all the ways he must have fucked up this whole operation.

To his credit, Grim cracks and tries So Hard to make a grandiose declaration of affection. It comes out as something to the tune of "I wanted to prove a point but all I'm proving is that you're the only person who cares about me." Good job, Grim. Points for vulnerability at least. Oro calls him on his bullshit a little by telling him that almost half the people who were pestering Grim's hot new alleged boyfriend actually just wanted to know if Grim was doing okay but felt like it would piss him off to ask directly. He tactfully opts not to mention how many have also offered to get coffee if Oro ever finds himself single again.

I love Idiots Who Can't Communicate as an early-relationship dynamic, so Grim stares at him like he's dumb for several long seconds and then very smoothly holds his hand. Something something "I didn't say you caring about me was a bad thing." "Uh-huh."

[obibabykenobi]

“Never. Never will I stop loving you.”+ “You don’t get it do you? How can you be so blind! Don’t you understand how much I care about you?” With obi wan angst/fluff please 🥺 thank you ❤️

ask and you shall receive! im sorry this took a bit, writers block :( hope you enjoy!

✍︎︎✍︎︎✍︎︎✍︎︎✍︎︎✍︎︎✍︎︎✍︎︎✍︎︎✍︎︎✍︎︎✍︎︎✍︎︎✍︎︎✍︎︎✍︎︎✍︎︎✍︎︎✍︎︎✍︎︎✍︎︎✍︎︎✍︎︎✍︎︎✍︎︎✍︎︎✍︎︎✍︎︎

————blind

𝚊𝚗 𝚘𝚋𝚒 𝚠𝚊𝚗 𝚔𝚎𝚗𝚘𝚋𝚒 𝚡 𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚍𝚎𝚛 𝚘𝚗𝚎𝚜𝚑𝚘𝚝

𝚌𝚘𝚗𝚝𝚊𝚒𝚗𝚜: angst, fluff, one swear word

𝚜𝚞𝚖𝚖𝚊𝚛𝚢: you decide to confess your feelings, but Obi Wan brushes them off

“Never. Never will I stop loving you.” & “You don’t get it, do you? How can you be so blind! Don’t you understand how much I care about you?”

𝚝𝚊𝚐𝚕𝚒𝚜𝚝: @scarletsoldierrr @stephhopexo

Obi Wan Kenobi was magnetic, electric, charismatic. His very being made the hairs stand up on your skin. His cerulean eyes, the curve of his nose, the arch of his brows, the amber color of his hair, and that damned Coruscanti accent. It was maddening to no end how much he affected you. One glance your way sent shivers down your spine. However, the thought of him seeing you the same way wasn’t likely. So why in Maker’s name did you request for him to meet you in your quarters? Oh, right, to confess. How dumb that was. Although, him knowing would get the heaviness off your chest once and for all.

You were starting to grow nervous, started to get second thoughts and doubts as the clock ticked. What if he looked at you in disgust? What if he told the council, and had them make you leave? What if he pushes you away and never wants to speak to you again? Before you could make the paranoia grow, you heard three gentle knocks on your door. You stiffended, and glanced up at the clock. It wasn’t time for him to be here now, was it? You spent so much time worrying that you didn’t even realize how much time had passed. Obi Wan’s soft voice was heard behind the door, asking your name. You walked over to the door with shaky legs, and let the door open.

“Come in, sorry I didn’t open the door soon enough.”

He waved your apology off with a wave of his hand a charming smile. He followed you to the living area, sitting down beside you. You started to pour tea you had brewed earlier to calm your nerves into a cup, and asked him if he would like any. He nodded with a soft yes and greatly accepted the little tea cup you offered him. After taking a long sip, he set the teacup down on a neighboring surface and looked your way.

“What is it you’d like to discuss, dear?”

Your cheeks slightly flushed from the little pet name. You huffed out a laugh and nervously pet down your clothing.

“Well, uhm-...it’s something important. Something, that I’ve been wanting to...discuss for a while, but was too scared.”

His body fully faced you now, his full attention on you. His gaze made you intimidated, wanting to hide under a blanket just to get away from the gaze. He nodded, letting you know he was listening and waiting for you to keep going. You let out a sigh, starring into his eyes. You stood up and crossed the room, his eyes following your movement.

“Obi Wan, I-...oh maker.” You whispered the last part under your breath. Were you really going to do this?

“Dear, whatever it is, don’t be afraid. It’s just me.” He smiled at you, trying to calm your nerves. It only made it worse. Your jaw clenched, but you had to say it. He’s here already, no backing out. You started to fiddle with your fingers, nervousness clouding your vision.

“Obi Wan Kenobi,” you said, finally starting to find the courage. “I love you.”

It was like a breath of fresh air, finally being able to say that to his face. Except, your fresh air knocked all of his out. He stared at you, shocked. You were starting to become scared, about to take it back before he started laughing.

“Funny, my dear! Let’s stop the theatrics and get to what this is really about, yes?”

If looks could kill, Obi would be dead where he sat. “Excuse me? Obi Wan, that was what this was about.”

He had an amusing smile to his face, but his eyes were confused. “What ever do you mean, my dear?”

You scoffed at him, shocked that he was so oblivious. “I mean, that I love you. I’m helplessly attached, Obi Wan.”

That did it. His face cleared into confusion, and something else you couldn’t quite read. “Why are you telling me this?”

A beat of silence passed between you two. You looked down at the floor, suddenly feeling small again while he burned holes in your body. “Because I-...I thought you should know.”

You heard him stand him, and you watched him pace around the room. His hand was on his hip while the other was laced in his hair, obviously conflicted by what he had just heard. He soon stopped in front of a window, his reflection beaming off it and you could see the lines creasing on his forehead.

“Let’s forget this ever happened, yes?”

You looked in his directions with raised eyebrows. You were angry now, infuriated. How could he say that?

“Are you serious? I built up so much courage, and only for you to brush it off your shoulder like a speck of dust?”

He spun around and took long strides towards you. He looked just as upset as you did. “You can’t confess these things if you don’t even know what you’re talking about.”

Now your eyes were filled with fury. How dare he even assume you were just talking gibberish. He was scared himself at how large and dangerous your eyes had become.

“You don’t get it, do you? How can you be so blind! Don’t you understand how much I care about you?” You practically yelled in his face. He flinched, your words impacting him in some way. And then, he started to see things in a different point of view. You showed him memories when you were gawking over him, or when you would care for him after a battle. You showed him a memory of when he first held your hand, it was only out of friendship but it ignited something in you and then he felt it, he felt that feeling that you always feel around him. Your memories unlocked a box he kept hidden well, and those feelings just flooded his entire being. He loved you too, and he always had. However, he was too dedicated to the Jedi code, so he pushed away everything.

“Obi Wan, I know what you’re feeling. Don’t fight it, embrace it.”

And so he did. He wrapped his large arms around your body and held you close. And he really felt you this time, he really felt the fire that ignited in him, and he felt the comfort and safety in your arms. It was always there, just locked away and you were the key.

“Never, never will I stop loving you.”

He whispered into your ear. In this moment, two souls interlocked with one another and were in harmony. It was, a match made in the force.

[professorspork]

i know I always say this, but, last night REALLY WAS the BUSIEST OF DAYS in the Reaper War

before I get into yesterday’s gameplay, I realized I forgot to react to the fact that Jacob got Brynn pregnant, which -- again, I suppose that wraps up everything about his backstory in a nice little bow, lad of the bad dad gets to be good dad, but like... it still gives like they gave his character incredibly short shrift. so. humbug to that.

but I have bigger fish to fry (ha ha, literally, see what I did there?) because ALL OF THIS HAS HAPPENED BEFORE, AND ALL OF THIS WILL HAPPEN AGAIN. I rescued Ann Bryson, and learned that -- shocker -- she had a bad relationship with her dad. I uh may have condoned her getting a bit of a nasty nose bleed in order to track the Leviathan to Despoina, where as ever I got to read a bunch of people’s weirdly specific sad diaries. my jump into the depths was very cool and scary (does no one get the bends in the future???) and I enjoyed my The First-style body swapping conversation with the Leviathan in which I tried to prove I’m ~special and this time is ~different. on the one hand, I don’t know why I expected the origin of the Reapers to be anything other than yet another story of AI gone wrong, but this whole cinematic parallels thing is starting to edge out of “everything matches up and is of a piece” territory and into the murkier waters of “we kind of only had one idea, actually.” to reveal that the Reapers’ plan is just stray AI code to ‘preserve life’ is at once very chilling and a bit of a let down; when I think back to when I talked to Sovereign for the first time and I had my initial “GOD IS A MACHINE THAT WANTS TO KILL US” freak out, I was in fact very on board for an evil plan too broad and complex for a human mind to fathom. for it to be this feels kind of predictable and pedestrian.

that said, watching the Leviathan take down a huge-ass Reaper capital ship with its pulse signal was very satisfying.

oh no this is going to get very long, now that you’ve had this fun teaser i’m gonna put the rest under a cut

then we kicked it on over to Thessia and I highkey traumatized my girlfriend. I feel like I should have seen the reveal that the asari were more advanced because they were hoarding prothean tech coming, but I didn’t. hearing and seeing all the asari commandos helping me get wiped out was a real gut punch, but didn’t hold a candle to my frustration at the confrontation with Kai Leng. I’m not mad that the game wouldn’t let me beat him, per se (though I still think it’s ridiculous that I’ve taken down a Reaper by myself and I’m supposed to be afraid of a dude with a knife), but I am pissed that it all happened with combat cut scene magic. this game has given me difficult combat before! if, in fighting Kai Leng, I’d genuinely felt outmatched, I think I would have tolerated it better -- or if the combat had been me fighting the Harvesters and then Kai Leng sneaked around me because that’s what he does, he sneaks. but to have such a relatively easy combat sequence with him that felt very much like winning just to have it snatched away from me... maddening. WHY CAN’T I BEAT THIS ONE GUY AND HIS KNIFE? I don’t want to be all “Kai Leng is a Mary Sue” but like... he got to murder Thane and then beat me in overtime, and his entire vibe is I exist to sell action figures even though that’s not, as far as I know, any part of Mass Effect’s profit model. so it’s just frustrating. and for them to then rub salt in the wound and have him EMAIL ME to be like “lol snowflake r u triggered” was just. MY PATIENCE IS THIN, ME3. DON’T PUSH ME.

seeing Shepard have to admit to failure was a gutting scene, though, and a necessary one. and watching Liara fight with Javik was highkey satisfying, too. 

so anyway, because i was BIG MAD at Cerberus I tracked them first to that one N7 communications mission-- 

(Sample dialogue: Helen: Why aren’t you using cover? You’re going to die! Use cover! Me, jumping out of cover and rushing Cerberus goons trying to melee them to death: BECAUSE I’M MAD)

-- and then to Sanctuary, and HOO BOY WAS THAT A LOT OR WHAT. from the second I heard Oriana’s voice I had a pretty good idea of what was going on here, but seeing in in practice was still creepy af. and like. i’m just gonna go out on a limb and say INDOCTRINATION BAD. I AM NOT A FAN. shout out to that one capitalist volus on the Citadel who was like “lol sanctuary is a scam don’t waste your money” i guess

additionally, last night was significant because I picked not one but TWO ENTIRE renegade convince options, because I saw no reason to be nice to terrorist daddy the illusive man or actual terrorist daddy Mr. Lawson. after I got through all that, Helen explained to me how difficult it apparently is to keep Miranda alive by the end of that confrontation, so I got to do some WHAT LIKE IT’S HARD? preening at how Nice Sheps Finish First sometimes. 

but as usual, the real highlight is getting to know my crew better and talking with them. I finally got some prime flirting in with Liara during Leviathan. it was VERY cute when she was like “man what’s with you rescuing damsels from dig sites? if you end up teaming up with her to save the world and bring down the shadow broker i’ll be very jealous. ... and concerned” and WEIRDLY CUTER when she was like “hey the only tentacled alien who gets to mess with your brain is ME” because Liara is like 115 by now considering how slowly i’m getting through these missions and she still does not know what romance is. 

[no but seriously, Liara does not know what romance is. half the time I’m still going WE’RE STILL DATING, RIGHT? every time she refuses to talk to me. and even after Thessia, when everyone was like “go talk to Liara, she needs you” and even JAVIK of all people was like “you’re dating Liara, right? it’s so obvious” our interactions did not feel particularly... romantic? it’s a tricky needle to thread, obviously, I’m not looking for sloppy makeouts right after millions of her people died, but it still reads as very odd to me. anyway.]

Javik’s story about how he once had a ship like the Normandy and a crew of friends like mine and they all ended up indoctrinated and he had to personally slit their throats went way harder than I ever expected it to. even just the IDEA of having to do that as my Shep upsets me. i’m legit enjoying getting to know Javik, even though i’m still GuessWhoJustGotYelledAt.jpg every time I leave his room. I HAD ENOUGH OF THAT FROM KREIA, JAVIK, YOU’LL NEVER PUSH ME AWAY.

I was surprised by how hard Tali took Miranda’s successful challenge of Mr. Lawson, though in hindsight it makes sense -- with the geth war still happening on top of everything else, I don’t think Tali ever did get the chance to process her anger at her dad being a war criminal and all. and her whole “emergency induction port” bit about the straw was cute as hell tbh. her friendship with Garrus over the comms continues to give me life. 

(in other quarian news, I AM SAD ABOUT KAL’REEGER.)

and jeff. JEFF. after Thessia i literally ran to the bridge and said aloud “Jeff, make me feel better” as I clicked interact with him, and then he made that dig about asari dancers, and i was like NO NOT LIKE THAT. (I mean, what Shep literally said was “now’s not the time for jokes” which is ironic considering she, unlike me, still calls him JOKER) but then he was all DAD ANDERSON SAID I’M SOLELY RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR MENTAL HEALTH, I’M SORRY, I’M DOING MY BEST and like. what a fucked up little family we are. he feels guilty that I died saving him, still! apparently he asks EDI about my stress levels and they are BAD and he feels BAD! im crey. OH AND ALSO THE FACT THAT PTSD ASARI LAURA BAILEY WAS TALKING ABOUT HIS FAMILY ON TIPTREE AND I CAN NEVER TELL HIM BECAUSE THE GAME DOESN’T LET ME DO THAT???? V UPSETTING.

and then of course EDI had to TRIPLE DOWN on all these feelings i was already having by telling me about human resistance and selflessness on Earth and how she wants to turn off her self-preservation code because she’s not about that. I’M SUCH A TOASTER FUCKER HALP.

Garrus being all “well sometimes your best friend gives you a pep talk” speech was cute as hell, and I was strangely charmed when Kaidan was like YOU CAN TELL I’M EXTRA MAD BECAUSE MY VOICE HAS GOTTEN SO DEEP grumbling.

next up: shore leave, and then going after Cerberus will trigger act 3! i may one day finish mass effect after all!

[youseriousjayse]

Oh shit. I wanna fuck my boss. This is...not good.

I stg I barely caught myself from just walking over and kissing them while they were saying something ridiculous after the shop was closed. Oh fuck oh fuck. THis is bad. They’re married and have kids and they seem like a good person but sometimes…I definitely think they’ve flirted w me before. And I seem to be a favourite for no apparent reason. They talk about their spouse and their personal life all the time to me (esp their spouse), but I’ve only ever heard them mention their spouse like twice to other workers. And they compare me to their spouse all the time. Always saying I sound just like them or I do this or that just like them. ANd I would definitely go for it if it was an option which prob makes me a horrible person, but that’s okay I already knew that. 

Idk how they manage to be both “ur really hot” and “ur the cutest thing I’ve ever seen.” It’s maddening. And they’re so fucking funny and that’s my weakness and they’re always trying to make me laugh. idek how old they are. in their twenties im 96% certain. Im horrid at guessing age. there’s def at the v least 5 yrs b/t us. but idrk. I don’t even hypothetically want anything serious. I literally just wanna be able to fuck them and feel mushy about them on the side and end it when I leave next july. Obv this isn’t ever going to happen but thinking about it hypotheticlly helps me short my shit out. idk. idk. i really like thm and they seem to like me. And the thing is it’s not even just about wanting to fuck them. I care about their kids and that means a lot bc i fucking hate kids and one of theirs is an attention whore and i rlly hate that type of kid. but i like them bc they are my boss’s kids and my boss loves them. And I love hearing more about them (even tho it’s always p sad shit about them acting up in school and always being upset bc my boss is never home)

Just…..wow. if anyone needed more proof im fucked up. have at it.

Seriously tho on the seeming interested in me and showing favouritism front, they are…so protective of me. Like they are Never like this with the other employees, and it’s definitely not like I can’t defend myself. The most marked example would be the guy who runs the bodega across the street.

He came in one day, screaming about how my manager had accused his son of stealing. So they were like, I’m not sure what you’re talking about but I’m sorry if there was some sort of miscommunication. And he just kept screaming at them and calling them a little bitch and a f*ggot repeatedly, and threatening to bash their fucking head in. And they were just taking it all very calmly and professionally and saying ‘I don’t recall this happening, I’m sorry if you heard differently’ even though he was physically pushing them and still threatening them and calling them all sorts of things. Then he finally left, but not twenty minutes later he came back, just as angry, shouting the same stuff and hurling around slurs and threats and pushing my manager around. Again, they kept very calm and responded reasonably and evenly the same stuff they had before.

Again he eventually left. But then he decided he had apparently still not had enough so he came back a third time. Just as angry as before, just as hostile and antagonising. The assistant manager on duty had come up front the last time to see what was happening, but had not intervened. However this time she tried to help, also calmly saying the same things as the manager. She had been working the day before and seen the guy’s kid come in and nothing like that had happened, so he started calling her a lying fucking bitch and saying he was gonna kill both of them, and kept more and more violently shoving my manager, which they continued to just calmly take.

Eventually the guy was just was repeatedly calling them a f*ggot again and again and again. And I, also calmly, asked if he could just please stop saying that word and he fucking rounded on me and started really laying in calling me a little bitch and all sorts of things, which I didn’t react to at all, because I have an excellent poker face. But I have Never seen my manager angry at all. Not even a little bit. But they were fucking furious, and they shoved him roughly back to the door (mind you he’s a big fuckin guy) And got right up in his face and fucking snarled Get The FUCK Out Of My Store (I did Not know actual snarling words was a thing, I thought it was just smth writers said to make the angry words more emphatic, but it is a Thing™) and shoved him straight through the door. And then they just took a deep breath and turned back around calmly as ever and was like ‘sorry about that’ to the other customers and started rearranging the counter like usual.

And that whole situation has come up twice since then when we were talking (it was months ago), and both times they were like yeah it was whatever, but when he started yelling at You I fucking snapped. And I’m like. Yeahhh how do I take this. Because I am not defenseless and I don’t look like it and I’m not tiny or fragile looking, we have several other employees more likely to feel the impulse to protect but,,,they never do? It never even seems to occur to them?

Just the other day I had a lady come in who was clearly spoiling for a fight. Rude and aggressive as fuck, but I treated her calmly and professionally bc that’s what I do, but she just kept saying dumb shit, so I kept responding, not in any offensive or upset way, just repeating the facts in a calm manner. She really started yelling and was like 'I don’t like ur fuckin attitude you keep talking back you’re getting all smart with me.’ And I (again. Very calmly.) Explained that I was simply answering the questions she asked. And she was like Where’s your fuckin manager bc you’re being rude as fuck you just keep talking back.

So my manager was at the register next to(?) mine(the counter is like an L shape and has registersat either side of the corner). And they turned around and said 'I don’t hear anything unprofessional or rude’ but she kept yelling over them and talking about how rude I was, so they kept saying I wasn’t doing anything wrong, so they were like 'Okay you can go now. Please leave the store’ and gave her the corporate number when she asked for it angrily, saying she was gonna complain about us (like so??? Fine. Here’s my name and the store # idgaf).

After she left and we took care of the couple of customers left they turned to me and were like 'wow she was really spoiling for a fight.’ And I was 'yeah I mean I saw it when she came in and was super aggressive right off the bat. She was so angry for no reason. Like…chill lol’ and they gave me a sort of look and were like 'I don’t know how you deal with that (((which, mind you, every employee, and Definitely them, deals w shit like that without going off))) I feel like it bothers me a lot more when they get like that to you, than it actually bothers you’. I just shrugged, but again……they dont,,,,do that for other employees. They always stick their neck out for me or get angry (I mean as close as they get to angry, excepting the thing w the bodega owner) on my behalf. It’s…what am I supposed to make of that?

Literally if they’re around and a customer tells me to lighten up or smile or smth (bc my face is just really unexpressive unless I put a lot of effort in) they’ll just smoothly come over and be like 'I’ve got the smile for ya’ or if someone is being aggressive or harrasing about it, they won’t even pretend to be cheerful and nice, they’ll just be like 'My employees don’t get paid to smile.’ Which,,,I’m not the only one who never smiles. Actually it’s just my manager and one of the assistant managers that always smile. The rest of us are p brusque and more obviously dead inside and dislike interacting with people. But again, they’ve never done that or said anything for another employee (that I know of, obv I’m not always around, but I’m around enough to feel like I practically live there).

And just. Bloody hell, they will talk about aggressive customers and tell me the customer got in their face and will be like 'seriously, like this’ and move their face so we’re barely not touching. Like. ???!?!?!????? And they get real close to me and brush by me a lot. Mind you, they do not do this to other employees (esp the face thing), but they’ll like lean over my shoulder to look at my paperwork or make fun of me (not like in a mean way just something stupid) or they’ll come over to put their numbers in (bc we need higher clearance on the computers for like,,,almost everything it’s so stupid) and they’ll like get right up next to me or squeeze in front of me. Which again, they do not do to others, and no other employee does that to me or anyone else.

If this was a book ppl would be pissed about the slow burn like Okay Why Aren’t Things Happening Already??! But unfortunately real life and an actual human being is more complicated than that. And I don’t know what to do with it.

~update: they just turned thirty. Fuck. I’m just barely twenty.

Edit: New jeans. very nice new jeans. dammit please stop rearranging the shelves in front of me while i’m trying to work, your ass is distracting. And a new tight tight jacket too and they wear it with the sleeves pushed up right below the elbow and that’s just. Always hot. The fucking jeans together with that stupid cursed jacket makes it incredibly difficult to look away. They’re just hhhhhhhhh I can’t. This is. So much.

YEAH I could prolly go on about them forever, but I know this is super obnoxiously long. I don’t know who I’m apologising to tho bc literally nobody reads this. Which is prolly why I overshare but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[domenation802]

Call it a journal entry; week of 3/11 (meh Friday)

Lately, and this week especially, I haven't really had a lot of free time-admittedly I have enough things in my life to keep me busy with work, bills, and just the general transition to being an independent adult and shit. Me and Allison have still remained separated, and much like when we were together, the emotions of situations are getting the best of her sometimes, and even me in certain circumstances--but mostly only disappointment and sad. But I don't blame her, its hard. I still care alot about her, but even when I do things like hang out with friends now, it can upset her, especially if there are other girls involved. She has kind of pulled back this week in particular, and I have let it happen; I figure she has to do whats best for her--but I have continued to send her the occasional messages trying to let her know that even though we might not have been the best at getting along and loving together and some other semantics of communication and relationships (because we both have alot of our own shit going on), I sill care about her and am there for her if she needs me. I'm not sure how things are going to work out--on the one hand, I'm really proud of her continuing to focus (at least a little) on recovering and not throwing everything away; on the other hand, some of the things that I've heard from her worry me a little. I guess I'll just have to trust that things will work out in time.

Things are going well with my recovery, personally, at least though. Being busy is a really easy way to stay sober sometimes (although it has definitely tripped me up before). Still, I seem to be in a similar "mode" as when me and Allison started the clinic around the same time last year--so proud of what we both accomplished. In a pretty short time, we both went from using and homeless, to hotels, to the clinic, to staying sober, getting jobs, and being well enough to stay with people. We got our own place right around this time (a little earlier) last year. There were slip-ups, which is part of the process, but unfortunately a lot of them were caused by us clashing. We were pretty focused in our day-to-day lives and activities. I guess i'm still channeling that energy.

I'm still at my mom's, which, is a whole set of emotional challenges all on its own. She is maddening, and continuing to get worse with age. I spend what I would for an average apartment every month just to stay here. After Allison moved out, she sprung that on me (how nice, rent increase). I've been keeping up on it along with my other bills, though. I have been able to get out a little recently actually, going to the movies last saturday (Black Panther--sooooo good) and cosmic bowling after. And I'm even going to a concert in Canada this weekend. One of the only encouraging things my mom actually said was that it was nice to see me out--which almost about knocked me over because she has routinely used that in the past as a negative thing--saying that I am out "running". Which, I guess I can't blame her too much, because when I was using I was obviously running all the time and out late, etc. (plus, I know some of it is probably her struggling with me not being a kid anymore, but when it starts influencing her decisions on letting me stay, theres where I'm like wow).

Anyway, I had plans around this time to be looking for another job, but I didnt expect such continued employment at my current place of work--so i guess I've been fortunate, although I just cant seem to get comfortable, as anything can and often does happen, and there is always something more to be done (endless bills, consolidating student loans--which i still have to do a little bit of--yay, calling the US Dept of Education!). But I know there is a lot in the texts about this--being able to enjoy when things are actually going well, and not being too cynical or bull-headed. It's definitely not easy, especially for a naturally restless person with ADD! lol

For now, i guess im just grateful and thankful for my skills in life. And that I was able to have my mom co-sign on loans so that I could go to college and put in the hard work and get a degree. And I'm thankful for my job, and the fact that I make enough money to support myself. My mom still plans on moving away and leaving me the house, but has delayed her plans yet again (of course) because of housing problems with my little brother who has mild autism (he is 18). I'm also grateful and thankful for a place to stay--being homeless has forever made me apprecciate that. And I'm thankful to have people to write to (shoutout reader)j! And to be sober, and working towards being substance-free (probably still a little cannabis which i consider a medicinal herb but nonetheless). Speaking of which, i am waiting on my green card to arrive (finally got it), and that will help me get out of the clinic and off of opiates (I think I've gone on about the THC induction clinic in Maine that uses cannabis to get people off of heroin and opiates, and then weans them down/off, teaches them to grow their own medicine and become advocates in the community, and they have staggering success rates around 80%). Hopefully i can get more Naltrexone (opiate blocker), but I have a 30-day supply already, so once I start the process, even if things go rocky I will still have a buffer while I figure things out.

Anyway, this is the first of hopefully many more entires! I hope all your weeks have been well! Peace!"

[jess-oh]

Reflection

I am currently sitting in the restroom and I’m hoping no one else needs to use it bc im going to be in here for a while. before i start, i keep getting diarrhea whenever i eat oily or unhealthy foods and it makes me really sad bc it’s limiting a lot of what I can eat or grab. It’s probably just a sign that I need to start meal prepping better but it still makes me pretty upsetti, mom’s spaghetti. :( I keep having to suffer for eating this gr9 food! Anyway,

I am for sure going to tell Eunice on Saturday for dinner. And I really hope she comes through bc it’s definitely something that I need to address. And if she doesn’t come then...I’ll try to tell her in person on Sunday but I know that that is going to be so much harder to do but I hope that I can find it within myself to just do it. And if she doesn’t come then either, then I don’t think I should wait. I think I should just fb message her and tell her that I know and my standpoint and how much I care for her. I really do.

Whenever I see a notification on Facebook, I hope that it’s Andrew. I’m sure that he has no idea how I’ve been wrestling with my thoughts about him and it’s definitely still a process. I for sure want to get to a place where I care so much for him, Sofia, and David that I don’t care if it costs our friendship. I just want them to be saved by Christ so that they will know His love and make it to Heaven. I just need to figure out how to best communicate that to them. And I’m sure it’s by just really loving upon them and leading a life that’s more Christlike and encouraging them to question my fierce loyalty and face in the Lord. Actually, while typing this, he did message our group chat with Sofia and I was really glad. He mentioned the Olympics and we got to talking. And I know it’s only been a day so I shouldn’t be freaking out that we aren’t talking daily but... idk. After the discussion on Saturday, my thoughts are all jumbled up but I’m working on organizing them. I do genuinely want the best for them. 

My day today... I had trouble sleeping last night and it didn’t help that I was up late talking to my sister on the phone for like three hours. And I had spent the majority of my day filing my taxes. I know it’s not a ton of money but I’m planning on using that to open up a savings account and/or a credit card so that I can start building my credit! Of course, filing my taxes will also be way harder from now on too :( I chose to sleep for about an hour and a half to two hours and I regretted it bc I was late to work again and I’m starting to care less but I also do feel bad. But I swear, I never hear my alarms go off! I’m usually so good at waking up to them but now....I just sleep through them! I think I need to change my alarm tones of the time or something so that I can actually get up out of bed when they go off. I’ve definitely been a lot more prone to procrastinating lately and I don’t want to do that. It’s so much better when I just get my work done ASAP and don’t have to worry about it later. Especially since I’m starting to beef up my extracurriculars��what with VBS, joining MAST, and trying to come out to more ASO meetings. I have a lot of ahead of me and if something goes wrong in my life again, I can’t afford to be behind in my work. Which is why I should prep now, get feedback, and do better on my projects. I do feel like I’m struggling right now and I never take the time to read the feedback and learn from it, although I should. I was actually really upset with Jilly today during graphic design bc she kept going back on her word and I’m pretty sure the rest of the room could tell how upset we were after. We did our best to contain it but that stand off tone was definitely there. I was ready to fight her and I kept thinking in my mind that I’m supposed to love and not hate but man, I was so tempted to just sock her in the face. How are we supposed to know what to do if she keeps going back on her word? That’s so unfair for her to grade us so harshly when she’s given us unclear instructions to begin with! It’s maddening! I got home, dropped off some rice at Mulan’s, and headed to the dry cleaners on Wabash. It did look like there were some cheaper stores a bit farther away but I already wanted to check this one out so I went anyway and if it was way too pricey, I would just learn to not go there in the future. But it was actually great! The owner was an older Asian man, I think Korean and I felt a lot better about it. He mentioned the inner seams being torn but either he gave me a discount or just didn’t include it since it said “3 items. 1 seams $0.00″ Whatever the reason, I was nervous it would be upwards $50 - 130 and I was really nervous bc I didn’t want to spent that much money. But it was actually only $20 and I felt so much better. I’ll definitely be returning there soon!

Also, I texted Eliza and it looks like she’s okay with going forward with Cottage Grove. Since her parents would need to pay for both Emily and Eliza, I am a little bit worried but we are getting very close to securing the apartment and I’m pretty excited. I just hope we’re the only applicants so we get it by default, haha. Please let us get this apartment, God! And actually, Loren told me this amazing story about something that happened to my mom. Our mortgage was 5k this month and bc my dad doesn’t have a job yet and we had to pay 2k for Robbin’s funeral, my mom was worried that we wouldn’t be able to make it. When suddenly, she receives a letter in the mail about a lawsuit against Costco from a couple years ago and she received $7k!!! The exact number we needed! God is so good and gracious! Thank you so much, Lord!

And I finally got to talk with Dana today and we didn’t get to go super deep since we were short on time but it was still nice to talk and hear about how she perceived everything and I did try to encourage her to learn to trust the people in Movement bc I think they are a really good community and we are getting better at going deeper and becoming more understanding which I am excited about. But we aren’t there yet. I shared a few stories that I’ve learned about the people in the ministry and I hope it was encouraging to her. I also shared about my own experiences and honestly, halfway through the story, I would forget the point or why I started talking and felt bad that I was making the situation about me instead of how I can best help Dana. I think the best thing I can do is to just pray for her and really be there for her as a sister in Christ.