#im just so sad i joined the internet and all the communities i wished to be part of when they were in decline

[calowlmitygoddess]

bit of a weird ramble but god i miss Old deviantart. Like, i've spent so much of m early teens lurking on the Dragon artist community there back then wanting to become part of it, but when i joined mist of the big artists werent posting as much and everything felt like it was dying out. But even then i managed to get myself a small group of really cool mutuals on the site and we would comment and fave eachother's artworks, and draw birthday gifts and christmas art for each other and it was so nice.

But then eclipse rolled around and most of them moved to twitter and instagram, and i sort of did too, even thought i still use my DA acount, just not as much since everything there feels dead, its the last place i update after making an artwork and there's no more tag games or fun stuff to post. I dont see their posts as often because of the way algorythms work on those plataforms and just lost the community feel i felt i had back in deviatart.

Also despite constantly complaining about how my dragon art got so many more faves than my human work, at least on DA i could get faves and share my own art in groups instead of relying on other people to do so trought retweets and shares, with how social media work nowadays that you have to post every day to be relevant and uncertain algorythm im lucky i get 5 likes in any given work.

I've tried other sites to try and regain my footing but i never had much luck, furafinitty seemed like a good alternative since the overlap in general comunitty with DA, but at that point i was already shifting from dragon artwork and i never really felt like drawing furries all that much, never really adapted to insta, and since so many of my relatives and Irl friends follow me there since its an old account i dont feel confortable sharing that much at all, twitter is a lost cause because its just bad for art sharing and i recently signed up for pixyv but honestly im intimidated to post there, its a very different demographic and most artwork is really high quality and i just dont think i'd fit in there.

Plus despite all the fanart i produced the past year, im not a fanartist, i have always been and always will be an OC artist and its just so much harder to try and grow when no one knows or cares who these people i draw are.

i just feel very nostalgic for DA, it wasnt perfect, and to some people its better off as a dying social media, but to me it meant a lot.

[dramionediscussion]

40 year old here; been reading and writing fanfic since I was 12 - so back in the old days of Geocities sites and message boards and AOL chat groups. I haven’t been an active participant in fandom for many years, since about 25, when I had a Livehournal. These days, I read a good amount of fanfic for leisure and scroll through tumblr for interesting tidbits when bored, but I no longer create content or participate in dialogue - mostly because I don’t have the time but also partially because I don’t have the desire. Im not willing to accept the drama with the dialogue, and I’m saying all this to provide context because here’s the thing - I joined the Dramione fandom about two years ago and haven’t noticed any drama or nastiness (as opposed to the Reylo community I came from previously, where the problems literally couldn’t be ignored). I don’t say this to invalidate anyone’s experiences or to even make the argument that toxic behavior isn’t happening. I’m just saying I don’t notice because of how I engage. There’s nothing wrong with participating actively in fandom - tweeting, DMIng people, posting on discords, etc etc etc - but the unfortunate reality of life is that if you choose to engage deeply, you’re going to get the good and the bad because that’s the nature of people - particularly mostly anonymous people gathered in groups on the Internet. It’s sort of a deal you make with the Devil. You get the benefit of friendships and active discourse, but with it comes the assholes. Now yes, it’s ok to call out assholes and it’s good to try to steer your community towards healthy interactions - be the change and all that - but I do think a large part of people’s frustration and heartache starts with expectation. If you choose to interact deeply with fan groups, you will encounter jerks. The best you can do to protect yourself is to ignore them and/or disengage because you can only control your behavior and reactions. If choose to share your fic publicly, you welcome both praise and criticism. If you choose to read stories written by another human - whether it’s fic or original published work - you open yourself to the possibility that you will read something you don’t like, be made uncomfortable, feel disappointed, or even been deeply impacted in a negative way. These are just realities of life. We can complain about them, but they will still occur. We can vent, but the vent won’t prevent people from being people. The best you can do is set your own boundaries and standards, regulate your own reactions, engage based on your own willingness to get drawn in, and determine when you wish to walk away.

Well said! The fandom is what you make it.

The futher you engage the more mean people you will encounter. It's sad but true.

- Lisa

[thcbcys]

Time to talk about my year and some people I’ve met / Been around a lot in 2018.

Alright, So I started 2018 off in the South park fandom, as I did in 2017 as well. It was fine until Drama started rolling in and I started openly talking about my problems. I got ignored a lot and Had to have some of my actual BFF’s calm me down at times. It had been a shitty few months in this year, Most of the people I use to talk to stopped talking to me, Blocked me or have deactivated and lost contact with. But There’s good some good memories in there, I met a few people I called my family and I love them dearly, I met my lovely girlfriend...and Ex girlfriend this year as well. 

School sucked, I moved a lot and well I still don’t have any real life friends besides my cousin and best friend who I rarely see because She’s gone off to CEGEP / University ATM. I got bullied again and got called names a lot, I’ve gotten comments about my looks and my problems and How I always looked so depressed and down all the time. I guess that was because I was having a shitty time...I mean, I had been moving around a lot, I moved schools 4-5 times in the past 2 years and honestly I was just getting tired of being stabbed in the back by people. So This was the year I started cutting myself, Crying myself to sleep, being more quiet about being sad and triggers started affecting me even more then they use to. My family was being a bitch, My mother was making me her slave while she was on crutches, my dad and I fought, I wanted to move in with my grandmother, I wanted to run away a few times as well. 

Good things that came out of this year actually was I started learning a lot about myself, Like Gender issues and Sexuality. I learned that I really liked girls A LOT. I figured out my art style and kept developing on it. I joined a fandom I was accepted in, Made some really great and beautiful people and Got myself a lovely girlfriend that I love so much. I moved back to my old down as well. I’m going to be graduating this year as well...So yeah. 

Now Ig’s Its time to talk about some of the people I met and Loved this year a lot??

@stcrmclcud: My best friend, Holy fuck man. Abi’s always there for me and Just knows how to make me smile all the time. She’s a beautiful being that just wow...That’s been my friend for almost 2-3 years now? Like fuck, That’s the longest I’ve ever had a friend for man. This girl here, I would fucking die for her if she asked me to, I wouldn’t even hesitate. Just I’m gonna love Abi until she gets sick of me, Because holy fuck man,,,, Just wow. ily bitch, I ain’t ever gonna stop loving you bitch

@homeonethewastes: !! Darkness holy shit, You are the one and only true fucking friend to have,,, Like FUCK. This man here stayed up with me one whole night a few times because I was feeling suicidal and just crying a lot. He calmed me down once others went to be and just wow. This is the truest friend you could ever have. He’s a big sweetie who needs to learn that he isn’t ugly at all! He needs to fucking remember that I love him sm because GODDDDDD I would die for him too, Like shoot me for him, Pls just let me die for you. Our chats / shitposts are great and I love when we talk and shitpost, I jst love talking with you man. You and Abi are like the main reasons I haven’t left the internet RPC community. 

@kahlvin-cycle: This man right here, This is a man I love. Fucking ALEKS, I love a man named Aleks so much like holy fucking shit. We started out in the middle of this year fucking shit posting, That was our first fucking interaction together ;; Door knob Dick Donovan. And then boom, We became friends after that jewbfew. Listen okay, Aleks is a big fucking sweetie and I love him with my whole heart, He’s another reason Why I haven’t left the Internet as well. His writing is amazing, His art makes me NUT, Just w o w. You need to learn to love yourself or else I’m gonna kick your ass. Another lovely man I would Die for as well. Just /Murder me for him/

@whitetrashugly: SUNI, My big brother,, This boy here holy fucking tiddys. I love him sm, Like??? You don’t understand???? He’s a big fucking sweetie, Has tired and probably still will try and fight someone for me. He’s helped me out so much threw the years, I’ve known him since I started in the South park community, And I will continue to be in contact with him because oof <3 Why wouldn’t I? Bitch ily sm

@creekbrat: LYALL YOU LOVELY PIECE OF CAKE. Guys, this human right here, ya this is a good person and I love them so fucking much. Lyall is a big fucking sweetie and just wow, A fucking joy to be around, Their art is great, I love their selfies as well just ooffff <3 I honestly count Lyall as a good friend of mine, Even if we don’t talk as much as I want to ;y;

@marjorinetenorman: Nyx, My lovely girlfriend. Oof I love you so fucking much, Like holy crap. You’re so beautiful and lovely and I just wanna hug and kiss you all the time. Like, I don’t get why some people don’t like you, Their clearly weird honestly. I don’t see what they see, you are a fucking joy to be around, the conversations we have together are fucking sweet and just wow. I’m so fucking happy to have you as my S/O and I just wish we continue for a long while. <3

@violetreflectixn: Rattie,, omg okay so like.....I started off being so scared to talk to you. And then you brought up that you were into Btd,,, and then I started talking to you ;y; I was a nervous bean. You were there for me when the shit went down in the BTD fandom, you were there for me when I felt like shit. Like wow, You really didn’t need to do that ;y; but you did and I’m like super thankful that you did <3 I’m like super glad to have met you! 

@youbxstards: KITTY, You big fucking sweetie!! Aaaa!! This here, This is the best fucking person you could ever meet. She’s always there for you, she helps you when your down, She’s a big joy to be around, Like holy fuck. She’s like a big sister to me, A mom as well. She watched over me for a while and I was so thankful that she did. ;y; I believe I was the reason she came into the south park fandom,, So that’s a thing,, I encouraged her to make a Kyle blog after we were talking about it on another one of her old blogs. 

@dcvotiion: mmm Jeremy, This big fucking bean. This big lovely fucking bean. I was so terrified to talk with you?? Like?? I was just so fucking nervous. And then I started talking with rattie and then met you and just oof. You were there for me too when I was getting harassed ;y; I’m so fucking happy about that like,, wow,, you didn’t need to do that ether but you did. You’re a big sweetie and ily so much. We have some pretty interesting conversations too wefhbjewbh even if they get weird at times. 

@nathanthesoldierboy: Nat,,, Just,,,,omfg<3 This boy here, Ya I fucking love his to pieces. Like, Hes a huge fucking sweetie pants and I wish he would let me help him and make him feel better Like,,, Pls I wish to make you happy, let me do this as a friend. His character is just wow, Himself is just WOW. I love you sm like?? Even if we’ve been mutuals for what? 2-3 months now? idfc, I love you man. I just wanna talk with you a lot more tho ;y; pwease senpai. 

@mayhemandmonsters: Code, You are a fucking lovable potato and I love you,, Like FUCK. You’re so sweet?? and kind?? and Loving and I just?? Can i get some of that. I’m still a nervous wreck to talk to you ;y; But I manage to at least have a conversation in the sever with you from time to time. :”) I just wish to conjure the balls to have a full on conversation on day.

@how-to-train-your-slytherin: Chase love sweetie, doll. I love you. You’re so fucking adorable and kind and I just scream?? Because wow, How can someone be so fucking cute. You’re such a joy, Like holy god, I seem to laugh a lot with the stuff you say and the interactions you have with Kenny. Just ;y; omg I love you,,,

@kill-me-again-im-still-conscious:  Toshire.. I’ve talked to you for what? A few weeks now, I don’t fucking care. I still love you and if anything happens to you I’m killing everyone In the room and then myself. You are a fucking doll and just wow, ily. We need to talk more, We must conversation a bit and help me be a human being. 

[btsimaginefactory]

At the Beach with BTS - Moodboards and Scenarios

{{i’m sorry that these are messy but it was so hard trying to paint the picture without the board looking too busy and iM SORRY. It’s less “oo aesthetics” and more that these are to give you pics for your mind. But I hope you’re still into this💖}}

Seokjin

“Are you happy?”

You smile gently at Seokjin words, twining your fingers with his as you both sit on the riverbank. More than a dozen stripped box turtles, all in various sizes and ages, paddle cutely at the edge, waiting for more pieces of carrots to be throw from their generous new friends. “I am so happy Seokjin.”

Seokjin’s smile gleams in the light of the sunset, and he leans to kiss you on your temple. He’d wanted to go to the beach with you for a long time, and now you finally had the time. Seokjin rented a house situated strategically between the secluded shoreline and the marsh. What had drawn him to this beach was the privacy, yes, but it was also the beautiful variation of landscapes and an abundant amount of wildlife. In the morning you watched wild horses play on the beach from your balcony, naming each one and giving them elaborate back stories, narrating their interactions. Seokjin was startled by how close they came to the house and how at peace they seemed living side by side with humans.

Almost every afternoon was spent under the umbrella on the sand with packed lunches; idly fishing for minnows before letting them free again as you watch the vibrant sunset over the horizon, and nights spent counting endless stars.

“Listen I’m telling you, THAT one is the big dipper,” you stress.

“No, it’s not because that star should be over there if it’s the big dipper!”

“...Jin you can’t just move stars around to prove yourself right.”

Several days the two of you went to local shops, exploring all the beautiful and wacky things you could find. He was especially drawn to a hobby shop that had all kinds of intricately made sculptures from shells and driftwood. Seokjin commented that he liked he couldn’t find any two alike, and in that same way he could never find someone exactly like you who he loved so much. A slap is quickly delivered to his arm at his gushy words, making him laugh, but getting a kiss from you in the end.

Yoongi

“Yoongi you do realize coming to the beach in the winter kind of defeats the purpose of coming to the beach,” you sigh, looking out the sliding glass doors of your hotel room overlooking the ocean shore. He’s already outstretched on the giant king-sized bed, humming in satisfaction when you come and kick his leg.

“Ow sheesh,” he exclaims, eyes meeting your crestfallen face. “Okay well, I did in fact plan this very carefully and invested many hours to make things perfect.” 

He rolls over and leans down to his bag, pulling out some pieces of paper and holding them in front of his gummy grin. You have to squint, but the bright letters of a pamphlet for a well know indoor water park is undeniable.

“NO WAY,” you gasp, snatching them out of his hands and rifling through the packet. “Are you serious?”

He nods.

“Really really? As in you’re actually gonna play with me and not be a lazy potato chip?”

“I am! I promise,” he laughs. “Why do you think I spent so much time picking stuff out for us to do? Don’t you see the view,” he gestures dramatically at the balcony. You can’t help but laugh and pull his cheeks in for a kiss, making him look very pleased.

Yes it was true you’d agreed to go to the beach with Yoongi during the dead of winter, but the surprise and lively atmosphere you found was exactly what the two of you needed. The hotel was connected to the water park by an indoor bridge, and surprisingly, Yoongi cared the giant inflatable unicorn proudly each day, bopping you in the head with it constantly. After swimming and playing, and him throwing you down one to many insane waterslides, you crash in the hotel room with warm comfort, room service, and movies.

Yoongi kisses your forehead and smiled as you lay in his arms. “So should we do the same thing tomorrow or should we go see some of the other things around here?”

Hoseok

When you were looking for a place to rent at a nearby beach online, Hoseok was immediately drawn to the strip of brightly colored buildings on the boardwalk. “Let’s go there! That’s so pretty! And there’ll be lots of places to go.” And so you did, spending loads of time in different shops, buying way too many souvenirs, and an equal time relaxing on the beach.

It was probably a bad idea to suggest a sandcastle building competition because 3 hours later you realized you’d both spent the whole day building a mini-utopia; giving up the competition after signing a treaty to no more sand thrown and opting instead to build your own joined kingdoms. Hoseok desperately tried to save one crumbling wall as the tide came in, but sank to his knees in defeat, promptly having a wave crash over his head from behind as if to add insult to injury. He comes crying to you as you laugh at his dripping wet, salty face, but is sure to trap you in a hug to get you wet as well.

“Baby how about we just shower and order takeout,” he suggests when you arrive at the condo, panting after climbing the 3 flights of stairs.

“How can you be tired from that, you literally can dance nonstop for way longer,” you huff, throwing a towel in his face.

After taking a soothing shower together, the two of you crash on the bed with your take out and TV, while finding all the little red areas you missed with sunscreen where each of you were now burned. “See I told you-you should have put some behind your ears,” he scolds and you simply cover his face with your hands.

“Shh, shh, shh, don’ worry ‘bout it.”

Namjoon

It was the best surprise you’ve ever gotten in your life. When you told Namjoon you were staying at the beach with your family, expressing that you wished he could be there to experience it with you, he decided to do just that. After secret communications with your family, seemingly out of the blue he shows up at your door and you almost knock him over completely in your enthusiastic hug. You introduce him formally to your family, and they immediately like him, if only by the way you glowed around him. They realize quickly he must be an incredible person and one who was absolutely good for you.

Being able to share this important time with him was everything; watching him grow comfortable with everyone, and hiding in embarrassment at all the stories they spilled from your childhood; everything felt so at home about him. The next day you were dragging him out of bed much too early to spend it all with him on the beach. Needless to say he was terrified when you warned him about not swimming in the ocean because of sharks, but he excitedly dug for sand-fiddlers and mole crabs, putting them in a bucket and examining them before letting them free again. That very evening, you two were lucky enough to watch sea turtles hatch, lining up with the other people watching, and giving them a protected path to the ocean as Namjoon squeals in delight.

Every night was filled with good meals and laughter, playing in the heated pool under the stars, and cuddling up in bed sharing stories, relishing that you had him there in the flesh. He pushes your hair behind your ear as he cradles you in his arms. “I wish I could stay here with you forever.”

“Me too Namjoon,” you say with a sad smile, trying not to even think of this time together ending.

“But we will soon.”

Jimin

It wasn’t Jimin’s most favorite idea when you told him you had booked a shared home at the beach; he didn’t know if he felt comfortable staying with strangers. It was an older couple who, after their children grew up and left, opened up a section of their house for travelers so they could share this place with people from all around the world. Jimin agrees though, and in only a few hours of being there, he was so glad that he did.

When you arrive at the bungalow nestled in the seaside forest, the couple takes you on a tour around the house, and more importantly, outside on one of the many trails. After getting over that initial little bit of awkwardness, you and Jimin didn’t turn down a single activity they suggested, for all of them were so perfectly new and exciting. You slowly watched Jimin come out of his shell, bouncing around like the happy, adventurous boy you loved. His favorite part was kayaking through the marsh and inlet, canopied by tall, vibrant trees, and hundreds of different species of birds chattering amongst the reeds.

“Woah look at that one,” Jimin yells in a hushed voice, pointing at a bright white, gangly crane fishing at the bank. “Did you see how it just snapped it’s beak in there and grabbed the fish? It was so fast, like whoosh! I could probably do that.”

“... Jimin what are you even saying?”

“It’s because you don’t believe in me, that's why I can’t grab a fish out of the water with my bare hand.”

You have to stop your eyes from rolling all the way back into your head as he giggles. When you return to the house, you’re all gathered around a fire pit in the backyard to eat dinner, eagerly telling the couple all about where you were from. You fall asleep on his shoulder as you lay beneath the stars, peacefully breathing in the salty air and wondering what tomorrow will bring.

Taehyung

“Greece?!”

“Greece!”

You can only pause. “Greece?”

Taehyung nods in confirmation. “Greeeeeece!” He’d seen a picture float across the internet somewhere of this beautiful resort, and he immediately knew he had to take you. Taehyung is one who is always ready for an adventure and travel, so he expects you to be the same. The resort is at the foot of a mountain, the bright blue sea as a backdrop, making the large sanded smooth white buildings look majestic and nothing short of magical. You have a cabin to yourselves, one in front of a small private pool that glowed purple in the evening; one that you convinced him to go skinny dipping in. It’s easy to have fun with Taehyung, even in a foreign place, but he takes special care to make the trip especially romantic and appreciative. He pampers you like royalty and announces that you are going to be his official model for all his pictures he had yet to take.

“Wow you are a natural,” Taehyung chuckles as he snaps a picture of you posed beneath a twisted tree. “I didn’t even have to tell you what to do.”

“Practice makes perfect I suppose, and so does such a handsome teacher,” you say, pecking his lips. The day is spent on the sand under a large tent, and yes you did have to wait before starting to drink your fancy drink because he wanted to photograph it all, but with his cute grin how could you say no?

Jungkook

“Jungkook don’t you think this is a bit much,” you ask, setting your bag down in the foyer just as Jungkook runs past you around the expansive dining room.

“No no of course not! We’re only young once; when else would we have this opportunity? Come on,” he grabs your hand and pulls you along, peeking in every room as if looking for something. After ‘oo-ing’ and ‘aw-ing’ at the bright coral walls and happy paintings, you head downstairs to find perhaps the biggest reason your boyfriend rented this particular beach house.

“Oh my gosh now I get it,” you say, holding the bridge of your nose but getting equally excited as you’re greeted with a giant arcade room. A flat screen tv, new video games as well as classic arcade games, a ping pong table, and even a pool table were all sitting shiny and tempting and Jungkook is giggling like a kid in a candy store.

You barely have time to reach him before his eyes meet something outside the window in the backyard. “Oh. My. Gosh. There’s a jet ski,” he whispers, instantly bolting towards the door with you yelling behind him.

“Jungkook for God’s sake please don’t kill yourself!!”

You’d thought it was a little wasteful to rent a three-story house with 8 bedrooms for only the two of you, but he quickly washes away your worries with the private pool and access to the dock with a jet ski and kayaks, as well as running around the large house and screaming your lungs out just because there was no one there to stop you. The house was at the end of a small, private cul de sac, and a mere golf cart ride to the shore. It was quieter than you would’ve imagined you’d enjoy, but as you sit on the crows nest overlooking the inlet, watching Jungkook photograph the sunset, you couldn’t imagine anywhere else on earth you’d rather be.

{{I’ve actually experienced three of these imagines AND IF YOU CAN CORRECTLY GUESS WHICH THREE, YOU GET *spins roulette wheel anxiously* ... ah... ha ha... apparently to punch me in the d💫}}

-Admin Chaejeong

[jumpingjackconst]

.

after staying up all night on legal speed fucking around not eating not reading I still have yet to get anything done of substance while I have a presentation for my senior seminar today at 10:50am and am most likely failing my film theory class where I skipped out on giving a presentation for my proposal for our final research paper of which I haven’t even picked the fucking movie yet or watched a movie on the list of options or done fucking anything worthwhile except stay up all night on the internet, watching videos listening to podcasts, not eating, living unhealthy lifestyle and just otherwise being a miserable piece of shit I haven’t told most of my friends at school that I’m not graduating this semester which is a laugh and I’m completely incapable of handling anything with any kind of urgency maturity seriousness or exertion and my mental health is deteriorating at an alarming rate and I don’t know how to even begin to do anything about it ongoing bouts of depression extremely dark thoughts suicidal ideation magical thinking erratic/compulsive/novelty seeking behavior rapid loss of interest in most things the feeling that everyone around me secretly dislikes me talks about the things they don’t like about me behind my back hearing people laughing and thinking it’s about me worsening social anxiety obsessive almost spectrum-like behavior & thought patterns inability to communicate succinctly with friends students teachers strangers unable to rationalize behavior unable to think clearly unable to get basic tasks done thoughtlessly spending money on shitty food to stress eat binge drinking even in th e middle of the week or early afternoon the feeling that people are watching my every move word and breath for things that are wrong or weird seeing people saying hi or waving or nodding and feeling like the exchange was unequal awkward or forced feeling like other people look at me differently feeling like I’m not normal and don’t know how to be personable or more easygoing like most people alienating friends not answering texts or calls delving into endless hours of youtube videos or Wikipedia or times articles or other random useless bullshit feeling like my every waking breath is a waste of time feeling sullen tired exhausted sad constantly wistful pathetic nostalgia for times in high school or cool nights near the water in the summer or school plays times when things were easier and life was less complicated feelings of inferiority feelings of inadequacy feelings of failed potential letting down my parents friends and teachers people I look up to realizing my life probably won’t be great or even very significant like i always assumed it would be realizing how badly I’ve continued to fuck things up every since getting expelled from Suffolk missing friends I don’t talk to as much anymore feeling guilt and sadness over past indiscretions and ways I’ve neglected or mistreated people wishing I could be less aloof more friendly personable naturally funny wishing I was someone who makes easy conversation and never makes people feel uneasy or uncomfortable wishing I was I could relate to people more or that they could relate more to me wishing I could just make some more friends and avoid the crushing loneliness that creeps up every night when I find myself alone at 2am doing nothing and being no one and having nothing to do or say or think about and no one to talk to wondering if my childhood had gone differently that I’d be a different person maybe someone naturally cool someone people want to be around and talk to and spend real meaningful time with thinking back to freshman and sophomore years when I was so fucking lonely and felt awful and alone all the time and felt trapped and unhappy and miserable feeling like those times are back now even though I shouldn’t feel that way because I have some more friends but coming to the conclusion that I feel just as alone, just as sad and pathetic and despicable, helpless like a lost pet constantly scanning rooms when I walk into them looking at people seeing if I recognize anyone someone I know or someone I’ve seen online looking for people to see if they’re looking at me looking at people to gauge how attractive they are or what kind of person they are what they do where they go who their friends wanting to meet people and talk to them and make friends with people that seem interesting or fun or exciting and feeling pathetic for having such pitiful thoughts and being awkward and lame wondering what other people do in their spare time wondering what kinds of parties they go my first party wasn’t until this year feeling like I’m a particularly different kind of fuckup but realizing im really no different than a lot of people and chastising myself for thinking I’m somehow special even in my flaws wondering where people go to parties fantasizing about going to large parties and meeting people I’ve known peripherally for years here but never talked to making friends chatting people up drinking being seen as a normal person someone approachable who people feel comfortable talking to and want to talk to  thinking about death what comes after death famous authors artists musicians who killed themselves slyvia plath david foster wallace john berryman virginia woolf hart crane mark rothko ian curtis nick drake spaulding gray brilliant minds boundless creativity passion life unable to continue finding themselves hopeless despondent ending their lives in sad or ordinary or dramatic ways trying not to romanticize suicide but also unable to shake the ways it seems to give meaning to their lives or work a perfect bookend trying not to think about death trying instead to think about my family and friends but positive thoughts only bringing momentary relief like taking an aspirin for a bullet wound a nagging ever present fogginess in my brain that appears and reappears and never stops coming back always coming back even during times of happiness it waits then reappears feeling it creep up slowly the feeling of despair uselessness desperation ugliness can’t stop picking at my skin making blemishes on my worse waking up some days and looking like a dead or dying person the paleness the lack of life feeling lethargic even after a solid night’s sleep feeling hungry all day not eating enough not putting in enough effort to get three meals a day planning out meals to optimize social conditions because of crippling fear of embarrassment and public humiliation and being seen as awkward or strange lying to my mom lying to my dad listening to music and fantasizing about being a musician performing in front of people being admired and sought after being creative making things people enjoy feeling like a fucking loser for having such thoughts but having them anyway replaying social interactions that just happened except saying the right things or making better conversation or saying something really funny or insightful constantly overhearing conversations and sometimes wanting to join in be a part of the conversation or just have someone look at me like I fucking exist and not ask me why I’m here or what I’m doing here

[boyjadzia]

omg sara @shinelikeastarlight tagged me to do this super long tag game hlep

tagging: @void-for-president, @the-alexandrian-alchemist, @starboysisko, @magnmite, @yacobeanreign (of course only if y’all want)

last text sent: "cool [thumbs up emoji]”

list three favourite colours: ???? don’t do this to me

what time did u wake up at today: 11am, it’s reading period don’t judge me what were u doing last night at midnight: playing drunk rock band name something you can’t wait for: this godforsaken quarter to be over when was the last time u saw ur mother: over winter break/new year’s one thing u wish u could change abt ur life: the crippling depression/abandonment issues are getting kinda old, I’d like to feel like I have a stable community/family who love and support me whats getting on ur nerves rn: the discourse favourite tv shows: star trek (all of them but esp DS9), idk I’m sort of obsessed with yuri on ice at the moment, those two are the main ones tbh? first best friend: my girl India who doesn’t have a tumblr but we’ve been best friends since we met on the playground at age 5. our moms are also tight. listening to rn: nothing, the sound of my laptop fan straining to keep my computer from bursting into flame

3 fears: never having a group of people I feel I can call family, never being in love, cavities

4 turn ons: self-awareness/humility, being sensitive about & respectful of my dysphoria, trust/willingness to be vulnerable, being honest & vocal about what you like 4 turn offs: being boring, being insensitive/distant, not being conscientious about how you interact with my body (i.e. assuming you can just treat my body the same way you’d treat a woman’s body and that’s a-ok), heterosexuality of any kind sexual orientation: gay tbh senior year quote in my year book: oh god some generic hillary clinton quote about feminism I don’t even wanna remember it first thing i notice in a person: ?? what they look like? shoe size: 7M/9W (US) eye colour: hazel hair colour: brown favourite item of clothing: probably my leather jacket, close runners up are my high-waisted black jeans that look good with pretty much anything and my crop top that says “I got to second base at Jonah’s bar mitzvah, January 7th 1978″ what colour of underwear i’m wearing rn: blue/brown/white stripes favourite season: whichever one has like 60-70F weather, used to be summer but now that’s spring lol how much time i spent on designing my blog: not much I just picked a theme the reason i joined tumblr: this is pretty sad but... I wanted to make friends do i ever get “good morning” or “goodnight” texts: only if I’m like talking to someone right before going to bed when did i last hold hands: don’t remember how long does it take me to get ready in the morning: depends, anywhere from 10 minutes to an hour have i shaved my legs in the past 3 days: LMAO try the last 4 years where am i rn: on my couch do i like music loud or at a reasonable level: reasonable, loud noises are scary 3 things i love: my friends, dogs, idk earth? how i feel rn: I need to gtf to sleep lol something i rlly, rlly want: to feel like I don’t have to radically change my body to be attractive to the people I want to attract 3 things that upset me: feeling like I’m hurting or burdening other people, straight men trying to hit on me, the persistent feeling that being transmasc somehow makes me a bad person what i find attractive in other ppl: appreciating subjects other than your field of study, confidence, ambition, someone who’s accomplished interesting things in their life, being friendly, genuine & not condescending 3 habits i have: staying in bed all day on days when I don’t have to do anything, only eating part of my lunch during lunch time and eating the rest for dinner, carrying off ridiculous amounts of free food from events something i fantasize abt: feeling comfortable and secure in my attractiveness vis a vis how my body looks, and in my presence in gendered spaces something im talented at: singing, memorization, embarrassing myself the blog i give the most notes to: idk, probably sara tbh last person re-blogged sth from me: I haven’t checked my notifications in a while o_0 do  i smoke/drink: I drink with friends my favourite food: I’m a big fan of things with cheese in them. also guacamole. my favourite dessert: it really depends ugh I guess cake? what i did yesterday: had my last day of classes, went to work, went to an award ceremony/opening gala for an integrated DNA technologies sponsored exhibit at the field museum (it was so fancy I felt so grown up and fancy), went to kat’s birthday party number of kids i want: ???? number of siblings i have: none something thats constantly on my mind: trangst (trans angst)

last person i messaged on tumblr: teddy (void-for-president) can i drive: nope :/ what state or part of the world do i live in: Chicago, from Brooklyn am i in school: 3rd year undergrad do i get grossed out easily: not generally, but certain specific things will do it (ex. dead animals especially FISH) somewhere i would like to visit for a week: hm maybe go back and see Alaska again? check on that mountain biking trail I helped build in 10th grade i’ll love u if: make an effort to spend your free time with me/take the initiative in telling me that you value my being in your life last show i binge-watched: I binged legend of korra over winter break, probably that what words upset me the most: idk I guess people telling me I’m wrong for existing in the spaces that I occupy? what words make me feel best abt myself: when people tell me they value having me in their lives and that I make them feel good about themselves a wish that i’ve wished for repeatedly on 11:11: that’s not a thing that I do :/ who i would switch lives with for a day: idk maybe someone who’s already gone on T and sings just so I could get a sense of what the voice change is like for a singer? or like. a famous celebrity or something. my favourite ice cream: green tea I think? allergies: minor allergy to raw eggplant I think, every time I eat undercooked eggplant my mouth starts to feel like it’s swelling up, not like my throat is being blocked off but just my mouth starts to hurt quite noticeably sexiest person to come to mind immediately: alskdjfsldk this is really hard uhh uhhh ok see my first thought is like star trek characters but I can’t say that ok let’s go with john boyega he’s gorgeous and seems like a ray of sunshine my childhood career choice: biologist! one of my insecurities: that being transmasc nonbinary and still participating in some women’s spaces/not letting go of some aspects of womanhood makes me a bad person and specifically is harming transfeminine people how many blogs am i following: just over 100 I think how many tabs/different windows do i have open at this very moment: 2 windows, this is the only tab open in this window because my internet sucks and tumblr is a monster website, the other window has 13 tabs coke or pepsi: not super into either, I guess coke although my aunt used to work for pepsi so I should be loyal tea or coffee: tea movie or book: movie probably, I don’t actually read that much it’s embarrassing, although frankly I don’t really watch movies that much either a sense i would be willing to lose: none omg! I guess if I had to pick taste? since taste is mostly smell anyway quote i live by: I don’t really? type of accessory i wear the most: does the leather jacket count? otherwise none last awkward situation i found myself in: I kept trying to pet eva’s dog today but I just ended up scaring her what time is it rn: way too late

a song that made me cry: hallelujah by leonard cohen, not actually, just like made me v emotional (yes I’m thinking abt that yiddish cover) first song u ever sang at karaoke: are we talking like legit karaoke at a karaoke place or like hanging out in my best friend from middle school’s basement singing along with her CD of karaoke tracks for the hottest hits of the mid-2000s bc I don’t remember the former but the latter was definitely sk8r boi

[acadehmic]

i worked so hard to try to keep this account away from my personal life because it was a way for me to be able to grow in my study life as well as being myself, revealing my personal thoughts etc but now all i have done is reveal basically everything to my personal account followers.

my livestream was a flop, just like basically everything i do. i wish i could be more talkative and friendly to you guys because i see everyone on their studygrams being so interactive and they make friends so easily but all i do is just lurk in the background because i am too shy to talk to anyone. even my replies seem so fake and “happy” but thats just because im so bad at making friends that im not myself. even when i ask questions in the captions of my photos, barely one or two people answer and some people just ignore and it just makes me feel sad.

i was so embarrassed when doing the live, and it wasnt even 5 minutes. some people joined but then after i said hello, it got awkwardly silent and everyone left, and i just couldnt take it. 

people probably think that i made this studyblr to gain followers and such but i made mine for improvements in my study/grades and to make friends and be part of a lovely community. even so, i feel so isolated from this community too because i dont have the followers, the stationery or even the posts.

i try always to help you guys out with your questions and it makes my day when you say that I have helped or that you like my posts and i hope that i can continue to be as helpful as possible because this is what i love about the community

its not just online, i cant even show my real personality to my friends, well the basically 3 friends that i have. i always am the quiet one who listens to their rants while they just think im naive and sad but i am so afraid of rejection and judgement i just dont even talk about my problems. my friends never really make conversation with me and just use me when i benefit them. all i wish is to be happy and comfortable in my own skin, with friends who care about me without judgement. but everything i do, i hide from everyone, my tumblrs were made so then i can be myself but even now im not being myself.

this is probably just a whole bunch of my insecurities being poured out onto the internet and i just feel like utter crap. 

sorry for this long rant i just wanted to let it all out because i have no one else to talk to. im not perfect, and i hope that i did not present myself as perfect because i want to be real and myself.

[misterbitches]

Im not intelligent at all. In the conventional sense. The ramblings of a girl who just has sooo much going in in her head it's constant. But im not a genius. Or that confusing.

It just sounds like I am bc fandoms have this issue where they can JUSTSO point out the issues in soletiing. They can pick and prod and go oh problematic! But then you go to name the problems and the difficulties within society like for ex: the idea of representation in general. Salivating over it. How fucking sad that is. How we are trained to accept it. So in a BL and also RACE in the bl genre they exploit viewers naivete both domestically and internationally. Ive seen tons of people liken being asian to being a person of color. However, in their predominantly homogenous society (or intentionally publically homogenous society), they are not "poc" (also name the of color; i dont use bipoc idc if u do but it's called being asian guys cos yall aint talkin about black ppl lmao)

They as humans seeing other humans who look like them everywhere, engage with the world differently than an american in asia or asians living outside of their home country (like bae doo nanwhen she worksnin the US is not the same as the bae doo nanworking on a korean program) I dont complain about it in everything i see bc ppl say it ALL THE TIME. but it is NOT the same. Being a person of color is very distinctly an american concept. This is all stuff people will get to know on their own if they choose to dig more.

I do my best to underline what my ugly little eyes process. How i figure things out as a black female american artist too! Im hard on shit cos i should be. I take it seriously. And even if i dont take it seriously bc THEY dont then thats their problem.

I know this is a complaint that I am not alone in. I know it's the internet. I just don't get how people can write really heavy analysis but they refuse to actually probe the underlying issues. Not everyone is me, or like my friends, but if there's way fewer people talking about this stuff it seems absolutely glaring when theres few people engaging in the way i do. It seems like im the glitch but I am thinking just as much just differently.

I really loved where your eyes linger but there was little deep class analysis. I remember few convos a bout it. I know a lot about korea (sigh being a black ex kpop fan lol mess) and i love the history but all ofnit matters! Korea's relation to labor!

People bringing up thai actors snd actresses leaving the industry and doing acting as something quick. As an artist~ who went to film school with insanely wealthy ppl and isnin tons of debt you have to understand how shitty that is. People have monetary access and they just fucking do whatever just because they want to. Meanwhile you have young people being coerced into this bullshit mainstream life to LITERALY just make money bc they dont come from a rich background. The wealth gap in thailand is BAD, theres a dictatorship, they had a fucking coup. The governments like here do not respect their people. Their marginalized groups. Trans thai women, black thai ppl, poor thai ppl. And it LITERALLY CANNOT DO ANYTHING EFFECTIVELY IN CAPITALISM. No nothing can be perfect but if it's going into our eyeballs and we can view the worlld critically then why the fuck not!???

I dont say the things i see are wrong always. I reply when i think i need to. I try and engage with others but not to kuch avail. I just want to rb stuff and tdhink lajfhhdjwhjej.

But like yea theres a lot of just wrong or misguided stuff. A lot of the times it is just historical inaccuracy in framing or idk. A refusal to think outside the box. I dont care. Theres more to life than just sort of looking and not thinking especially for othrr artists.

Idk im sorry. I dont see how i can change how i view things. I really wish people would expand their palettes too and go deeper into other means of art from places! Things not in the mainstream! Theres a lot of good thai artists and a lot of them critical as fuck about their country as they should be. Authority, austerity, patriarchy, capital, racism etc like that is central to a power thats interested in growing gains and fiscal and social power. Theres rly radical or left leaning etc ppl out there in the world and these countries in these communities. So they exist. No people in these countries dont have NO clue whats going on. Cultural relativism is alsos something people should understand. I had a good talk with ppl on here a while ago about that. Talking about shit, critiquing, but being respectful to a group. Part of thay is realizing these groups CLEARLY know their own issues and all our cultures share the same goal. Guess what it is. It rhymes with acquiring wealth. Money means you hurt people. In the post, we talked about use of "wife" and "husband" which is a stupid joke that has been "explained" a billion times and yet the explanations still dont seem to answer or justify a minor problem (it's very funny to me that a language that doesnt have gendered pronouns is now very specific about two men. Hmmm wonder why. It is annoying.)

So im not the only person on the planet doing this. Or the few ppl ive seen that do. Im not new my thoughts arent new. Ive gotten to see another side to a culture i knew not much about and that means i can put the context of my beliefs and life and try and understand thheirs. For ex i learned from ITSAY because of a sign that said 'french food' that they were the only country to not be colonized back then. Do you know how integral that history is to their region? That was an interesting detail (i didnt finish itsay bc ihad a lot going on and i was rly upset that i would see hownrich they are and i hate that.)

Anyways thats my complaint. It used to feel like a sting of rejection. I left online for months in 2019, i started organizing more, joined a union, trying to do some panther work shit like that. I learned a lot in those months and it changed my life! But when I came back, I felt so isolated. It wasnt my true friends tho sometimes theyre ANNOYINGGGGG (love u) but it was me being like "if we are going to complain guys then lets put our money where our mouth is" lets be fucking serious about it then. No say it with your chest dude. It isnt difficult. Go with the fucking flow, talk about it, critique it, think. You can still fucking like itnor love it.

I am BLACK ok and i love rap. I am a black woman. I will continue to clown black men that cant seem to not clown themselves and listen. No i wont support monetarily: drake is a creep and i hate him but i bump that niggas song. Thats fucking LIFE. I got so sick of hiding myself and it became clear that it wasnt that i wasntthinking well or hard enough. They just didnt like that i said we need to commit class suicide and inspect out middle class sensibilities and middle class wealth hoarding (google it) if thats what we engaged with. Every part of you, antagonize it. I still have my privileges; class, skin color, even my father being a nigerian immigrant, me being cis, im not str8 but not a lesbian and those are differences.

Insecurities in general but some shallow thoughts (?) on discussion in "fandom" space. FYI, this will most likely stay the same. I tend to stay in my own bubble socially IE me and my friends are similar in our views. During this awful year while running my union's account, im surrounded by like minds. Me and my friends? We changed together. We grew up and saw what we didnt like and what we want. We do our best.And i CHOOSE my life to be that way bc it should be. There is no solution. I dont believe in solutions because the solution is to abolish capital or just divest. Abolishing capital and labor are a huge one and i will die before that happens (but so help me as long as im alive? Black women to FREEDOMMMM is my motto!) so making your own path in life is the best thing an artist can do IN MY OPINION.

However with technology and stuff this puts another layer onto things. Tech, social media, this shit....it THRIIIIIIIVESSSSSSS off of conflict and shallow readings of the world. We are literally primed for it. Engagement in bites. Impossible for me with my brain; i got used to it and i paid for it by limiting my scope. Not being encouraged to THINK AND READ before just speaking

(For ex i am in iww, i helped form a branch here. It is a radical union. Unionism is imprative to me-if ur interested u should read up on some. Look up peter cole! Google inthesetimes Ilwu. Gives you some understanding. Ive always been progressive and now i am....very left idk ic ant label myself. But even in my progrssiveness i had the gall to tell my white friend, whoa has her privileges but i had mine with our class disparity, that we dont need unions, i have WORKED retail. Ive done barista work for sonoing and i do gig work. So i wasnt out of touch. I had been stiffed even with a shoot i was working on by rich kids. So i had a frame of reference . But i didnt know what the FUCKa union was and why it is imperative. Then learning about anarcho syndicalism and all these other things. It changed my fucking life but two years earlier i was this idiot spouting shit like that making one of my best friends fucking upset. We DO AND CAN CHANGE. Think!!!!)

So were i a creator for tv id just constantly try and push the buttons if i need big money. Make them sell into me (thank you sonic youth!) theres Endless possibilities guys which means theres SO MUCH TK EXPLORE!!!! When i wanna have fun with it i just have fun. When i want to think i do. I dont understand why we are so dedicated to upholding things and doing mental gymnastics to end up in a space you dont need mental gymnastics for. What about these critiques makes you uncomfortable? Saying we're all part of the problem as spectators? Im sorry but we will always be. Thats LIFE. God fuck. Fuck me. I feel so fucking worthless and stupid sometimes. I know I am not. I know i am talented and intelligent. I know my friends and family. I know how to approach ppl. I know how to tell people if they are rich but want to be progressive whatsup. I choose how i live part of that is being ok to say what i want.

Ironically consrrvatives say this shit alot. But they arent ever alone bc their ideology is default. But yea it does feel shitty. It even feels shitty when ur in left circles but people STILL dont even wanna do that. These perspectives really arent ss many as they should be. I dont want to feel so alone with it. I know there are more. I just love art and the world so fucking much, endless possibility. Endless pain but endless good.

[teesturtle]

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Gay dating in San Francisco (CA) Ok, it's a little cheesy, but it's also a great place to sit and chat while discovering pretty stone bridges and stunning waterfalls.  Find even more , or take a romantic weekend trip with our tips for and San Francisco dating after dark Meeting for a drink is a classic date night pick for a reason and San Francisco singles are spoiled for choice.  I am super warm and playful and for and even have a PhD. However Im a man and that never works well since its 95% men.  Sometimes she might look, but the instant men look back, she will often turn away and even make a disgusted face.  While I hate to caveat, well, anything, I think it goes without saying that this critique on San Francisco dating is from the perspective of a heterosexual woman.  Want to meet single gay men in San Francisco, California? But how do you know which is right for you? EliteSingles is just such a place.

Gay Dating Site for San Francisco Singles In fact, as long as you're serious about looking for love, you're welcome on our site.  I mean, am I crazy well, yes , or does it seem like people use these apps for validation just as much, or maybe more? They do not approve the personality of individuals or the data that they submit on their profiles.  Find Local Bay Area Gay Singles Online Compatible Partners recognizes it can be difficult to meet people with whom you share common interests and goals within your geographical area, and we can help.  My point is simple I guess, I suck at picking up girls in bars and now apps lol.  In fact, with so many people in San Francisco dating online, singles are spoiled for choice and can afford to pick and.

Gay Dating Site for San Francisco Singles With a focus on thoughtful matchmaking, a history of making deep, lasting connections, a site designed for busy San Francisco singles, EliteSingles is a premium dating site that can help you streamline your lovelife.  The only way I will probably find myself in a relationship is if I go back to Texas and convince a girl to move to a most beautiful place with some of the biggest douchebags in the world! If your San Francisco dating priorities include finding a truly compatible long-term partner, EliteSingles can help.  While it may sound terrifying not having a screen to bury your face in, it was actually kind of great.  But, as soon as the temps rise and the sundresses come out of the closets, that problem is immediately remedied.  I'm looking for you, if you are a gay, single and clever boy, who likes about average man.  Here's the horrible truth about dating in San Francisco.