#im just saying. why half ass the sims when you could go all in

[gyusrose]

➵ don’t tell my boyfriend -> s.jy

⚠︎ smut ! (mdni)

✎ cheating, unprotected sex, cursing ( idk if i missed anything), poor heeseung

summary: how could you say no to your boyfriend’s FINE ASS best friend?

wc: <1k

-this is more of a drabble lmao.

( jake sim x reader)

you couldn’t believe what you were doing right now. you would always shit on the people that cheat on their significant others, yet here you were, taking your boyfriend’s best friend’s dick.

it started when you agreed on going to a vacation with your boyfriend, heeseung and his best friend , jake. you still don’t know in what world did heeseung think this was a good idea since jake is a known fuckboy, he didn’t care that you were his homeboy’s girlfriend, he’d still hit. and how obvious it was.

heeseung and you went out to the pool were jake was sitting at. the moment he saw you in that skimpy bikini, he couldn’t hold himself together. throughout the whole day, he wouldn’t stop eye-fucking you, it shouldn’t have turned you on, but it did.

later that night, you tried to get it on with heeseung, but he ‘wasn’t in the mood’ and went to sleep from how tired he was. you sighed and looked over at the bathroom, deciding to take a shower, what you later noticed is that there was no towels ( really girl?) so you had to go next door, jake’s room, to see if he had any. (poor you)

he offered you to come in and have a drink with him when you knocked on his door, unsurprisingly, but there you went inside. he had just taken a shower too, seeing his damp hair and bathrobe. it don’t take long for him to make a move on you. you know you should’ve denied and gotten out of his hotel room but god, he looked so hot right now and you were horny, since heeseung didn’t comply.

so here you were, spread around him, as he completely ruins your pussy.

“fuck baby, you don’t know how long i’ve wanted to do this.” he whispered making you more wet than how you already were.

your loud moans escaped your mouth as his cock hit right in that spot. his hand covered your mouth shushing you, since the walls were thin and your boyfriend was literally sleeping next to you.

“shhh you don’t want your heeseungie to hear us don’t you? or does that turn you on?” you moaned into his hand even louder, as he rubbed your clit through his thrusts. your guilt seemed to fade away at the moment, all you wanted was to be filled.

you could see his abs flexing through every thrust he motioned, so fucking hot.

“hmpp jake shit im gonna cum.” you said as quietly as you could.

“mhm, does heeseung make you cum this fast baby? hm, i saw how you would clench your thighs together every time you saw me, im not stupid.” he chuckled in your ear, and you could feel the overstimulation hit you. jake’s cock was hitting the exact spots, you can tell he was very experienced.

jake started to speed up, feeling his climax near. he grabbed your thighs and pushed them towards you, pretty much folding you in half, wanting to hit as deep as he could before cumming.

“shit baby, aw fuck, you’re so fucking sexy mmm.” he said before pulling out of you and realizing his load all over your abdomen and stomach.

the two of you gasped for air as you just laid there next to each other.

it suddenly hit you. you just fucked your boyfriend’s best friend. how shitty of person can someone be to do that? and why is jake being so cool about this?

“i know i know baby, but-“

“please jake, don’t tell heeseung about this, i don’t want to break his heart, i love him so much.” jake squinted his eyes at what you just said. then why did you fuck him?

“it’s okay princess, i won’t tell him, he’s also my best friend you know, but you gotta do something for me.”

“which is?” you asked.

jake smirked, he knew exactly what he wanted.

needless to say, this wasn’t the last time.

[chaconnewon]

drable ——— jungwon (suggestive)

the tension was heavy. i mean, heavy like you almost could feel its weight on your shoulders. there’s no way no one else couldn’t feel it. looking around you, seems to pass unnoticed.

but those feline eyes were glued to you; your actions, responses and the way you covered you shy smile behind your hand.

you stood up for a second, leaving the living room and walking towards the kitchen for some water. you should be at your own home, getting the sleep that you deserved after a devastating and exhausting week. but here you were, surrounded by a bunch of guys who invited you to a small party.

well, wasn’t a party at all. just . . . an intimate meeting? a close circle hang out? you weren’t sure.

when you came back, you noticed that jake took your seat, leaving you no where to sit. he smiled at you with innocence, tapping his finger tips into his lap. ‘fuck this jake sim’ you thought to yourself, not mad at all but subtly annoyed because now you had to take a spot on the floor. not the best idea, not even the comfiest but you had no options left.

you were about to sit your ass down when a cold, slender fingers wrapped around your wrist. side-eyeing to your left, jungwon was holding you. waiting for you to look at him before speaking.

‘sit’ and with his free hand, he palmed his lap twice.

you shook your head. you didn’t think about it, no need to. wouldn’t that make things uncomfortable? he could give you his seat. instead he wanted you to sit in his lap. in front of his six friend. the atmosphere was heavy enough, why would he put some more weight?

‘y/n, i said sit.’ jungwon pulled your arm slightly. a shiver ran through your spine, messing with you breath.

finally you took his offer and took a seat in his lap, feeling more cozy than you thought. no one seemed freaked out and that helped you to enjoy happily the conversation. of course he kept his hands off of your body, being used as a furniture. he didn’t want to touch you without your permission but you wanted to, at least, feel his hand on you waist. holding tight.

and soon, that’s what exactly happened.

‘stop moving’ you hear in your back. his voice calm but somehow intimidating. you didn’t mind since you thought you weren’t moving at all. but jungwon didn’t think so.

‘im not moving.’

‘yes, you are. and it’s kind of uncomfortable.’

you took a few seconds to answer.

‘why?’

he sighed behind you, his soft breath against your neck made you squimmer on top on him. and his hand sank into your waist.

‘because you’re getting me a boner.’

you widened your eyes at his confession, heat climbing to light your cheeks. you faced his friends, one by one. they looked to focused in their own bussines to know what was going on. it would be a lie if you say that his words didn’t turned on something in your stomach.

once again you were moving against him, lifting your ass subtly to top jungwon’s croth and start to rub it. you felt his body tense under yours, his breath losing his habitual rhythm. he tighten his grip on your waist, and you could feel his nails digging on your skin. a sensation of pain mixed up with . . .

‘p-please. . . ah.’

he let out a moan, and you quicked panicked at the idea of being caught but no one seemed to care. they were not paying attention to jungwon’s suspicious behaviour. or why you were squimmering so much.

to tell the truth, you liked the idea of his erection pressing your butt. knowing that the reason behind it was. . . you. just you.

and it didn’t stopped you.

‘please y/n, not h-here.’ jungwon sounded way too adorable. where was the demanding guy who almost obligated you to sit on his lap? you felt his forehead pressing your back, the way he was holding his shaky breath only increased your will to pleasure him.

eventhough the wanrings he sent you, you seemed to had so much fun. so when the living room was half empy, he aproached you and whispered to you ear:

‘wait untill we’re alone and you’re fucked up, pretty.’

[bronziart]

I’ve been playing the sims 4 nonstop for a week, and this is the sim i’ve had for 4 years :)

I have a version without the word art up on my Patreon, for those of you who subscribe.

[selfcareparker]

yesss the letter format 💝💓💘💖💞💕💖💞💓 (lovely anon)

my dearest aria (a hamilton reference lmao),

i’m home alone (bc i wanted the house alone to get my head together after my brothers were mean to me 🙃) and i’m so hype LMAO but i’m watching chloe x halle’s tiny desk concert and honestly just vibing. (this is so random) besides zendaya like they are my badass black women role models. my one accomplishment would be to learn to body roll like them LMAO

oh nevermind i can’t have anything nice, my dad just came home 🙃 WHAT A WAY TO START OFF THIS ASK WTFFF

i’m liking tfatws, the second episode was veryyy intense imo but WANDAVISION IS SO GOOD😭 i knew it was going to be my favorite from the really old trailer but it’s really good and i promise it’s not just sitcoms, girl especially cuz you’ll have all the episodes already out- we were having to wait every week😭 BUT ITS SO GOOD I PROMISE HDJSHDJSH lmao reading this i was like “i- the episodes aren’t an hour long” but i feel that, it’s hard for me to watch tfatws bc they are an hour long and i’m like 😐 but wandavision episodes are less than 30mins bc I KID YOU NOT they have the damn 10 MINUTE CREDITS DHDJSJ no i don’t think we’ve talked about this b4 lol but it all depends on the series for me. i binged love island uk in less than a week bc i was so invested and LITERALLY LOVE IT but uh those episodes are like an hour and a half, but say i was binging tfatws (it’s so hard to type that ohmigosh) i honestly would not be able to do it bc of the intensity (you may be like what intensity but if you’ve seen episode 2 by the time you’re reading this.......... isaiah and the scene afterwards is all i have to say, esp me being black it was so tough :/)

girl you’re fine, as long as you’ve experienced it once hahaha i think the reason why it’s so important to my family (this letter feels so personal and extreme HSJSJA IM SORRY) is bc my grandmother loved it and in my family i guess it’s just important to us lol like my mom and dad love it too and we have the literal VHS tapes LMAO, but it only came up recently cuz my youngest brother was watching lion guard HAHA and he wanted to see the originals :) and fun fact (unless you already know) but there’s a lion king part 2 and 1 1/2 and i have all three ON VHS HAHAHA but i love lion king 1 duh (the og) but part two’s music and love story..... is so good. anyway. 🦁

I WAS THINKING THE SAME THING DURING THE WHOLE MOVIE THEATER ENCOUNTER THING HAHAHA AND WHEN SHE WAS SAYING AWKWARD I WAS LIKE WTF THE NOISE LMAOOOO i don’t think there’s a better way to describe that whole situation than ZKDHDJSHAJAJSHDJSNAHA. yeah. yeaaaa at the cinemas (i like the word cinema more than movies 🥰) here they have chips (fries), some have ice cream, nachos, drinks, hot dogs, the cinema we were at had pretzels and like BURGERS I WAS LIKE HUH OKAY and ya know obviously popcorn but i don’t know why the theaters (or cinemas) here do that, it started a long time ago though like yearsssss

PLEASE i have the longest movie watchlist and uhh haven’t seen any of them JDJSKA (istg i use HSJSSKSH as a period - like . ) i’m still hype for cherry but very hesitant (idk if i can handle it) but i’m thinking about watching it in the next couple of weeks? i know it’ll take me forever bc i’m gonna have to keep pausing and shit but idk. i’ve asked around for very specific trigger warnings and time stamps so i REALLY know what’s coming (even if it spoiled the film a bit for me) but i do really wanna see it (i think? writing this now i’m not so sure lol) so whooooooo really knows lol, but chaos walking YES i was really excited about it :))) and about my friend uhh dude you don’t sound mean at all i was literally thinking the same thing but worse HAAKL idk what she was there for???? she bought my ticket tho so 💁🏾‍♀️ whatever

“SIMS ahh, BUNK BEDS ahh” had me cracking up lmao and you know my sims status JAJAHHAJ but i’m gonna become like you, saving every 5 minutes 😭 but that’s exactly what happened to me, i really didn’t know whether to shut it off or not but after 2 hours i was heartbroken lol i’m literally making a list of things i need to redo that wasn’t saved lmao

CAN I JUST SAY UR A MASTERMIND THOUGH??? UR SIMS GAME SOUNDS SO *chefs kiss* IM CRINE university is PAINFULLY long and LITERALLY I FEEEL THAT like you can’t do anything else without failing, i had my sim go to a party once for like a few hours and i felt so dumb afterwards like urgh he should’ve been studying LMAOO just cracking down on work honestly. UR NEIGHBOR!AU IN THE SIMS PLEASEEE i am very much in love with it, yes. (pouring rain has just suddenly begun where i am rn wow ok) i love that you put them on the same lot, that was really really smart and i love that ur living out your sexuality in the sims😭 i was abt to say “now you can say you’ve got experience bc of the sims” but ANYWAY IGNORE ME fhdhs THE ALIEN BABY DHSJSK i hope it’s not a dealbreaker for enisa. that’d be tragic. IM BACK IN UPPERCASE THO BC YES MAKING OUT IN THE SIMS IS SO HOT TO ME??? I THOUGHT I WAS THE ONLY ONE STFU OH MY GOSH- all the stuff, whispering sweet nothings, and the making out, and JUST ALL OF IT!!! AM I TOUCH STARVED????? there was this time i made my sim just continue to woohoo bc it was turning me on big time. ANYWAY

half way through that i had to go to my grandmothers house (not the one that likes lion king, but uh hmm idk if you remember but i was talking abt my shit family so yeah that grandmother lol) so now i’m finishing this 🥴 and instead of chloe x halle i’m watching a tom interview lmao & if this takes me longer than 30 minutes.... imma cry

I REALLY WANNA ASK- IS IT BC UR GERMAN LIKE YOU CAN JUST WRITE OUT THAT LONG ASS WORD???? i mean i can’t write out supercalafrag- anyway, but that word is a bit nonsense, UR WORD IS A REAL WORD DUDE HDJSHS i love how ur like “maybe i mixed up these words” YEA OK.

lol i had to google what are waveformers lol (lol makes a comeback) and they look like curlers that you would sleep in (here we would call them curlers or uhm i forgot uhhhhhhh rollers i think) but ur fine when am i ever making sense?? i think the best part about these is the chaos yet we understand what the other means 😌

H20 H20 H20 OH MY GOODNESS SHE BROUGHT UP H20 OK MY LIFE WAS H20🥲 I HAVE THEIR LOCKET NECKLACE AND (short storytime) when i was younger i thought they were american despite their accents (idk i was dumb) but then i figured they weren’t when lewis went to go study in america HAHAH ALSO FAVORITE COUPLE CLEO AND LEWIS UGH WATCH ME REWATCH THE SHOW NOW THANKS (also i hated elizabeth so much) but anyway back on topic, when lewis went to go study in the US i looked up where the show took place and all that good stuff and i found out they were australian HAHAH and that started my obsession with accents LMAO the uk :’)) (i’m proofreading AND AUSTRALIA IS NOT A PART OF THE UK LMAOO IM SOO DHSJSSHS) also it is now one of my many goals (besides the body roll HAHAH) to go to mako island (that’s what it’s called right??)

about music, i googled stormzy and i might listen to a song of his.. LOL I WANNA GIVE IT A TRY IMMA DO IT FOR YOU NFDVSFSG lmaoo the german rapper had me cackling (autocorrect once again being helpful and said raper and i’m like nOO) i mean we all have that one person. can’t lie, won’t lie. my one (IM SORRY BUT AUTOCORRECT HAD “MY ONE TRUE ACCOMPLISHMENT” SITTING AND READY HDJSJA I DONT EVEN TYPE THAT wHAT) person out of my white soft boy with brown hair and brown eyes type would beeeee pete davidson. love me some petey. i was gonna say rex orange county as well lmao but i don’t really loveeee him i’m just in love with his music... and wanna be friends with him..... so 👉🏾👈🏾 (i never do that fdshsh)

oh my goodness, i love tattoos too- GASP what are you thinking of getting 🥺 i want tattoos too but i’m too indecisive to figure out what to have & where. especially in my family... idk they aren’t frowned upon but my mom’s not applauding the thought lol, if i got one it would have to be meaningful but i am absolutely in love with (for example) ariana grande’s finger tattoos !! they’re so cute and simple :’) i don’t even know if i can get tattoos? my skin is... interesting. not in a bad way!! just like.... idk how to explain it??? keyloids run in the family & i got a piercing once and it got infected soo :/ the doctor also confirmed that if i wanted tattoos they couldn’t be in color so LMAO

ONCE AGAIN THIS WHOLE THING FEELS SO TMI DHSHSSJ IM LIKE OHMIGOSH SHUT UP SHE DOESNT CARE JESJSKS

in regards to you not sleeping, i wanted to mention that dumb bird, what was the reason it was up so early aT 4AM???? SIR WHO YOU CALLING TO??? also it’s 11:30pm and idk why i’m tired???

yeah i was never SUPER into justin so i don’t know exactly what albums you’re talking about lol, i do know yummy though.. but everyone did hahaha also i listen to so much pop 🙈 i mean maybe... idk what would count as pop and what wouldn’t. that new person feeling though.. i get that. it’s like who is this new person..? i kinda feel like that with taylor swift (i was never THAT into her either though so it’s like oh wait i didn’t know you from the beginning instead of hello old friend but you’re different lol)

about the concerts, thanks 🥰🥰 that’s so sweet what you did for your mom too, it’s nice seeing them so happy like 🥲 awh AND GLEE IS AND WAS MY LIFE FOR A V V LONG TIME, i’ve been meaning to rewatch it for the longest time lmaooo but i’m just so lazy and it’s such a commitment... i’ll have to get emotionally involved again and idk if i want that rn. but i have a friend on instagram and she runs a glee fan account and it’s such a big part of her life i really don’t think i could ever be THAT obsessed with something. like another one of my friends loves tom holland so much that she changed her mom’s name in her phone to what tom’s mom’s name is in his phone (that was confusing lol) and obviously i’m not judging them AT ALL, it just couldn’t be me lol

CONCERTS LOOK LIKE SO MUCH FUN 😩😩 LIKE THE EXPERIENCE AND THE FEELINGGG URGHSJS i wanna see a few people live like ari and chloe x halle and- hmm.... idk who else FJDSJ rex orange county i guess huh anyway, the experience just sounds so amazing and the atmosphere is just ✨✨✨ yeah

aria do it do it do it do it do it- watch hamilton!! but with subtitles bc you won’t catch half of the things they’re saying without them LMAO (me and my family watched it and they all didn’t like it bc they didn’t know what was happening lol) BUT DONT WATCH IT AT 4AM LMAO ITS LITERALLY 3 HOURS LONG

yes!! superior peter fics 🥺🥺🥺🥺 and it just shows how much of an incredible writer AND PERSON you are through your fics that you can turn a blurb into 2k....... like what.

LMAO the annoying thing, sometimes i feel like i’m bothering people (like right now HAHAH) but i think it’s my antisocial side being like yeaa no one wants to talk to you like you wanna talk to them :’) idk it’s strange!! sometimes i get really ✨insecure✨ and overthink everything LOL like is this too long, im talking too much, i’m swearing too much, oh lord i’m a pain, all that good shit lmao so that’s fun:))

ALSO YOUR BLOG IS SO FUN TO ME HAHAK LIKE ITS JUST YOUR OWN AND I LOVE THAT!!! like you talk about everything and anything on here lol,, and i say that bc what you said lmao how if i was someone else i would want to fuck me so bad😭 i honestly don’t understand how i don’t have people lining up though..... but if no one’s gonna tell you... then you tell yourself, period (and sometimes telling yourself is fucking yourself HSHAJKS OK NEXT)

ohmigosh the realization you had that you graduated last year and are going to uni this year🤧 but the fact that you had a teacher who LEFT THE GROUP CHAT bc she was mad at y’all i- 😭 but yeah about your maths (i always wondered why you guys call it maths and the US calls it math. like i know so many people out of the states, not just in the uk that say maths) teacher- i saw this post that said online school is looking a lot like dora the explorer😭😭 “you have any questions?” 🦗 “okay bye then” lmao and please i love when tests have nothing to do with what you studied like ??? thanks? sometimes i get scared that my teacher will somehow find out that i googled everything? or like my answer is too close to the answer sheet or something. i get sooo nervous lol but i’m already past that point of not being able to do anything myself DHJS i mean i’m still learning like i said!! read the question, read the answer. boom. now i know the answer to the question and i learned!

THANKS 🙈🥰🤧 idk how else to explain my feelings LMAO i feel it’s cool that you find my dance lessons and voice lessons cool so thanks :’)

oh god not headache season 😭😭 allergies are the worst like it’s not even funny. is headache season just when the seasons are changing or is it like... all throughout the summer? cuz i love the summer lmaoo i love the winter too but i just love wearing as little clothes as possible LMAO

GIRL IF THAT BIRD DONT STOP CHIRPING- i am 100% convinced that it is the same bird trying to give you headaches and no sleep and it needs to stfu 😤 and pLEASE ur theme is adorable and pretty and cute but also it just feels like you? idk if i’m explaining this right or if it’s bc i’ve been talking to you for a bit but it’s cute but not innocent in a way that i’m surprised that you write smut and- yeah, that didn’t make sense!! but ur new theme is gonna look pretty too and as long as you like it, it’ll be amazing🥰

yessssss the fact that megan is gonna be ur pfp YES JUST YES

edit: ok i just need to 🥺😭 sometimes u make me wanna cry cuz i feel like you’re just a kind person. i truly mean this, the fact that you celebrate yours & others stretch marks makes me so 🥺🥺🥺 i honestly don’t know anyone who has said they want need more stretch marks and it’s just all very lovely to me :’)) OKAY IMMA STOP BEING SAPPY

#yes my fake tags are back #by popular demand #aka me #and look i have actual tags this time! #i’m seriously craving water ice rn....... huh #but it’s past midnight and i fr fr want a snack #aw man #i wrote that last paragraph while doing my tags yes #and i hope you become responsible for that anon’s orgasm #assuming they had one #and i saw your response to the tom thing and yeaa when they only look like that for something and it’s like aw bae be yourself #i’m gonna shut up now and find a snack but goodnight!! morning?? IDK #IF THESE TAGS END UP AS ACTUAL TAGS I AM SO SORRY HAHAHA #alright proofreading done and i’m gonna go eat cereal

okay i‘m on my way to a driving lesson rn and afterwards i have a zoom uni thing, and then another uni thing lmao. but hopefully i can reply to this in between because i‘ve been dying to talk to you since i got this ask dldjds💘💘💘 (i really like this heart. i had a 💖 phase for a while and now it‘s 💘 (seems like a very romantic heart but.... it is what it is idk dkddj)

^okay that was literally all i wrote before my lesson lmfao. just had the worst driving lesson ever dbdvsnylkxsksj i think i‘ve gotten too used to being good at driving and now i‘ve gotten too cocky with it 🥴 anyway i‘ve had such a stressful day and overall week but tbh i‘m already feeling better bc i can (indirectly) talk to you <333

omg i went to chloe or halle (i don‘t remember who out of the two)‘s instagram the other day and found out that they are not twins alejeleksjsksj but yes oh my god their voices are literally angelic and i can‘t wait to see Halle as Ariel (Arielle??)🥰 and omg it‘s literally 2021 and we‘ve only had......... one(?) black Disney Princess like it‘s about fucking time (I might be forgetting someone, I‘m not too familiar with the new Disney films, but as far as I remember there‘s only Tiana right? (who is literally a frog for 3/4 of the film 😭😭) so yes i‘m here for it too😌😌😌 (obviously she‘s not a cartoon like tiana ekdlek but she‘s a disney princess you know what i mean ddkjdh)

pfkejdj i‘m already overwhelmed with my parents i can‘t imagine having siblings too 😭😭 (sometimes i wish i had siblings but then other times (like after reading what you wrote dksjj) i‘m glad that i‘m an only child lmao like your brothers being mean to you and i remember when you cried and he was just like 👁👄👁 ok. like i’m totally okay being an only child sksjsj———and he doesn‘t listen to music 🤧🤧🤧 (although i guess that‘s good for you because at least he can‘t annoy you by listening to loud music that you hate dmdn)

okay okay i might watch wandavision then??? I‘ll definitely let you know!!! and yes omg i‘m loving tfatws (that really is so fucking hard to type omg) but same i totally get what you mean, i‘m not used to watching action series at all and every episode so far has been like a little movie so i‘m glad that i didn‘t wait until it was all out cause there’s no way i could binge watch that lol) and yes last episode was really intense. i‘m glad that marvel are talking about racism because (from what i‘ve seen) they haven‘t been the best in that department, and i‘m really curious to see what they‘ll do in the next episodes (curious isn‘t the right word but excited isn‘t the right wort either, like i‘m excited but in a neutral way ? i‘ll shut up dslsksj i hate that german has so many words that you cant translate because theres a really good german word that describes how i’m feeling but i cant think of a good translation ugh)

okay i absolutely need to watch lion king (and part 2 and 1/ 1/2 dksksj) AND hamilton, i might even do it soon 👀

BURGERS AT THE CINEMA? EBEEISNDBEKSK i‘ll come to the US just to go and watch a movie lmaooo, i think all the popcorn sizes and drinks are bigger as well, i‘ll come and watch chaos walking with you 😌😌 does next week work?

and yeah i‘ve seen posts with specific time stamps and trigger warning for cherry too so if you haven’t looked on tumblr yet i’ve def seen some! (but ive also seen some on twitter and yeah- i mean idk youve probably looked on tumblr but yeah- then there’s also imdb which doesn’t have time stamps i believe but quite specific warnings, mostly without spoilers!)

Tbh i don‘t think i would have even considered watching cherry if tom wasn‘t in it... (i’m personally fine with most of the triggering topics/things like for some reason i’m just stoic when i’m watching the most tragic films ever dldldldlbut the plot just... idk if it‘s for me you know? just entertainment wise?).... and even with tom in it i‘m unsure skeldls, i‘d totally get if you decide not to watch it but let me know if you do i‘d want to hear your thoughts! <3

SKSLSJJ my sims both finally graduated!! i think i played sometime last week, and i literally got the achievement/notification that i‘d been playing with this household for 24hours.... and that was BEFORE they graduated dldjdldkdksjjs

oh no my tumblr broke and three paragraphs of me talking about sims were deleted 😭😭😭

WAIT NO I TOOK SCREENSHOTSSKSK because i couldn’t press save so i knew they might be gone okay okay okay i‘m a genius

*move out

oh no idk if the quality is too bad to read... idk how good your eyes are dkdkdjjd (also sometimes it will be really bad quality for some but not for others so i hope that the you can see the pics in a normal/good quality)

Okay let me continue

OMG THE ROMANTIC AND SEXUAL STUFF IS THE BEST PART ABOUT THE SIMS DIDLDKJIkdkj i kind of miss how in the sims 3 they would be making out basically lying on top of each other if they were on a bed— but in sims 4 when they‘re sitting next to each other and everything that‘s definitely hot too 😌😭 or with hot tubs dkdkdk how one sim climbs on the other sim‘s lap before they woohoo (i used to make them skinny dip in the hot tub and then make out and woohoo so they’re like naked on top of each other even if you can‘t see anything- en e waysss)

Dkdkdkdj so @ Rindfleischet.. blah bla. so it‘s basically just loads of individual words put together/connected and that‘s a really big part of german. so yesterday i had an online Einführungsveranstaltung for uni (like it was a zoom meeting where they just talked about general stuff about the uni and i was really anxious before, idk why, but it turned out absolutely fine so) and that words consists of the two words Einführung (introduction) and Veranstaltung (event) which are also two individual words but you can make a new word (Einführungsveranstaltung, so in english that‘s basically “introduction event“ lmao) by combining those two words. there are obviously some rules like you can‘t just combine random words in a random order but you can basically make infinite words (technically). for example (i feel like i‘m teaching a class just skip this if you don’t care 🙃🙃🙃djdjdkdlns)

for example i could say Einführungsveranstaltungsteilnehmer (which is not underlined with red by tumblr because it is a grammatically correct compound word (i think that‘s what they‘re called?)) which is the words introduction + event + participant, so that word just means “participant of an introductory event“ but instead it‘s one word? i hope that makes sense? dkdkkdksks i mean it makes sense in german but idk if it makes sense to you cause idk if i‘m explaining it very well lmao,

(I just deleted a really really long paragraph that i wrote about gender in the german language and grammar, you‘re welcome slsksksj)

my capacity to think has now been used up for the week 🥴🥴🥴 i absolutely do not blame you if you just skipped over that part or can‘t be bothered to (re)read my awful explanation edkflsksjdjdj (again, i had double the amount of words but i just deleted it dkdkdlslsl but what‘s left lf my german lesson is probably confusing enough already😭i‘m sorry🥴)

so to answer your question LEJDKSKJ: it‘s really common to have long words in german, words that are just word+ word+ word + word made into one long word. obv rindfleischetikettierung..... is a very extreme example and it‘s normally just 2-4 words made into one! So yup i think that comes mostly from german and talking german and growing up here and going to school here and everything dmdfnsksx

i think the best part about these is the chaos yet we understand what the other means 😌— YES. YES. Yes. I love that about us 😌😌🥰🥰/ I love us. Yes.

okay but your friend changing her mom‘s name into tom‘s mum‘s name (was that right? Dkdkdjh)—— so Justin Bieber once posted something where you could see that his Dad‘s number was saved as „Daddy Cakes“ (which, thinking back, sounds very weird ekejjej) and till this day I have my Dad’s contact name as Tata (which is serbian for Dad lmao), “Tata🍰“ in my phone because of it 😭😭😭😭🙃🙃🙃 it‘s not because of justin anymore like i‘ve just gotten used to it by now but at first i did it because of justin lol........ but nowadays i don‘t think i‘m THAT type of fan of anyone- like you know how people have fandom names (Justin‘s fans are the Beliebers, One Direction fans are Directioners (writing that hurt my soul💔💔💔)) and I wouldn‘t consider myself a fan of anyone like that. like even with tom i wouldn‘t call myself........ does tom even have a name for his fans??? Well if he does, I wouldn‘t call myself that. Like i used to be such a hardcore stan for any celebrity that i liked and now it‘s just... okay, i like em. (She says on her blog where she writes fan fiction about Tom Holland — WJDJEJDKELSKSKKSNSNDXB🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃)

Omg rex orange county!!!!!! I don‘t know that many songs like I‘ve only listened to the album pony, but i love it 💘💘💘💘💘💘💘💘

thanks again for what you said about my fics/writing I‘m🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

Pete Davidson Pete Davidson Pete Davidson I‘m-🥰🥰🥰🥰 and I can‘t explain why. But as blissfulparker said the other day (i don‘t want to tag her and make her read through all of this lolll) “I like my men when they look like they are on the brink of death 😍“ (or something along the lines of that) eskkejs okay pete isn‘t that bad, he looks quite good on some days but other days you‘re like... is this man alive? Like i don‘t want to be mean I love Pete so much The King of Staten Island is literally my favourite film ever (although it‘s not my #1 because of how he looks, but i mean he does look good) VUT ALSO

(Okay i was gonna look for a terrible picture of him but he really doesn‘t look as bad as people say??? like. i think he‘s hot. can‘t necessarily explain why. so that‘s that on that.)

i‘m not going chronologically right now (i just keep scrolling up to your ask and replying to whatever i see first sksksksh) so i might miss a thing or two that you said

Okay Stormzy, you really really don‘t have to dkdkdjd like i think you said you don‘t really listen to rap, and uk rap is a whole nother thing from us rap because of the accent i feel like??? (That sentence did not make sense) BUT if you‘re looking for a few songs that aren‘t like RAP rap, then I‘d recommend One Second (feat HER), Superheroes, Own it (which you might know?), ummm maybe the song Lessons?, he has a ton of Lion King references by the way dkdjdj for example in Rachael‘s Little Brother but that‘s like more RAP again if you know what I mean?😭 and it‘s also like 5 Minutes long and tbh i only started liking that song a year after that album came out lmao but Rachael‘s Little Brother is possibly my fav Stormzy song, then there is Shut Up which you absolutely need to listen to just for fun dldjdjd like it‘s just pure fun and also a little funny lmao, especially if you‘re not British (i imagine so at least) cause he‘s like shuTTTT up idk dldkdjdldkjdhdhfjfbfldlsksksks

Vossi Bop is one of his classics, and then maybeee - ok so there‘s Blinded By Your Grace Pt. 2 lmaoobdjsj it‘s very (Christian/) religious but i like it a lot even though i‘m not really Christian (at least not practicing or anything) so idk about your views on religion but i do like the song a lot just by like the sound lmao

Okay so again you absolutely DO NOT have to listen to any, especially not for me dlskdj but I really do recommend the songs Superheroes, One Second and Rachael‘s Little Brother (and all the other ones i mentioned but if you don‘t listen to a lot of his songs you should at least give these three a try <3333) also let me know some of your songs? 🥺 like i dont care who they‘re by but i‘d love to listen to some that you like and Recommend 🥰🥰🥰

Okay so skdjdjdjddhhddhdhjsk... I used to watch all of my series in German (like H2O) bc obviously they were on german tv so they were german- and i knew that most of these actors i saw on tv were american and i was always SO fascinated that they all learned german for this show??? Like I actually thought they were the people‘s real voices and that these English and American actors were learning german so they could re-record the whole ass show and do everything in german dkdkdldjdjjd... i swear I thought that until I was like 14 omg. And then the first time that I watched H2O in the original version i was sooo confused about their accents because to me all actors who spoke english were American?? I mean MOST of those shows are American so I wasn‘t completely off but yeah i was definitely caught off guard when I heard all of their Australian accents for the first time 💀💀😭😭😭

@ math vs maths, math actually makes more sense in my opinion. like you have the word mathematics, then the abbreviation would obviously be math... why would English people randomly add the s from the end??? Or maybe it makes more sense after all because it‘s like plural??? Now I‘m unsure dkdkdkdj but i do say maths because that‘s how i was taught to say it and i hear the word maths more than math but yeah dldkdjs i think math might even make more sense (okay i just tried saying math and maths is easier to pronounce but again tjat might just be me, oh god i‘ll stop talking about that disgusting thing (mathematics).)

not the crickets and dora LMAOOOSNSNSMDNBS yeah that teacher was... a lot. a lot a lot a lot didjjd but she kinda liked me so she always gave me good grades/marks but the people she didn‘t like..... ooft. OOF.

Fksksjsj idek about headache season like i just know that i get headaches from the sun and i‘m allergic to only one.. type of...pollen??? (I don’t understand the science of that whole pollen thing and idek if it’s called pollen in english i just know sex pollen from fan fics😔)and yeah we have this weird wind that makes a lot of people get headaches yeahd dkdkdj. i loved the i just love wearing as little clothes as possible LMAO lllioool i love that i really do. i always struggle so much in the summer cause i never have anything to wear. i feel like i buy so many new summer clothes every year but when i end up looking for an outfit i don‘t ever find anything 😭 (so i just go naked— lmao jk jk) but i‘m generally not the biggest fan of summer so-

OMG THIS FUCKING BIRD ISTG, okay the first time i heard it i went to sleep at like 5 am, so the next day i was like let me go to bed earlier so the bird doesn‘t keep me up, so i went to bed at 4 am (🥲) and THE BIRD JUST STARTED FUCKING CHIRPING SO LOUDLY, so the next day i went to bed at 3 am AND IT FUCKING STARTED AT 3 AM and it‘s still there 😁 every. night.

and since you said you‘ve gotten used to my theme and everything (idk where this transition came from😭) so tomorrow (2nd april) we have our... wait what‘s an anniversary but for a month.? I think month is like mensus in latin OK NO THATS DEF WRONG DKDKDJ wait

So Tomorrow is our... mensiversary💘💘💘💘💘💘 or at least from the first time you sent an ask. i couldn‘t find it on my tumblr anymore because tumblr is a bit of a bitch but i remember the first thing you ever sent (in an ask) was something lovely about my writing and i always take screenshots of stuff like that, and i found it in my gallery. and i took that screenshot of your ask on the 2nd of march so i‘m assuming that‘s when you sent it 🥰🥰 i feel like i‘ve known you for a week not a month like how is it a month already????? (i mean this in a good way lmao but i really can’t believe that its been a month wtf)

omg no you make me want to cry because i just love you so much 😭😭🥺 but about the stretch mark thing it‘s just.. it‘s not even me trying to empower other women (or anyone else who has stretch marks) to shake off these dumb insecurities that the patriarchy and capitalism have instilled in us— ok no it‘s definitely that too lmao. But i mean I‘ve always loved stretch marks, i‘ve just always loved loved loved them so much so it makes me genuinely sad that people don‘t like them. so yeah. i dont really know how to explain it lol, like i‘m not (only) hoping that people realise that hating your stretch marks is giving the men and the patriarchy what they want per se- (that made no sense) it‘s just because i love stretch marks and think they‘re beautiful and also sexy. idk dldkdjls and omg the fact that you called me kind 🥺🥺🥺 like i don‘t really have a goal in life or anything, but if i had to choose a ‘goal‘ in life it would just be to be kind. (i‘ll end this here otherwise i‘m gonna talk about being kind for 30 more lines—)

And please. Do not ever feel like you‘re annoying me or sending too much. never ever ever. I get so happy when i see that you‘ve sent me an ask. No matter if it‘s a long one like this or just a short one where you‘re saying something about a post that i reblogged or something. I love hearing from/about you and talking to you 💘💘💘💘💘💘💘💘

P.S: i‘m so sorry for the tags you‘re about to read they make even less sense than this post, also i reached the tag limit dkdkdj but i said some butterfly tattoos look tacky... and the next thing i said was since we‘re already speaking about Ariana- I DID NOT MEAN THAT SHE WAS TACKY dldkdjsj, i meant since you already mentioned some of her tattoos lmao

[desolationlovers]

oh yall thought i was done x posting? lol. kamui character rant under the cut

the thing about kamui is i dont know that hes a very deep character??atleast not how clamp has written him and esp not in the manga.

he spends a lot of the manga being confused and often manipulated. and hes really just a kid.

his first big character arc is debastardization basically. when hes introduced hes a TOTAL asshole (the anime added scenes to make him more of a dick at the start but also has a bit of an explaination? ill get to it). hes shown as very rude to everyone around him, yelling at people to get out of his way or get lost, including his previous friends. hes also shown to have absolutely no care for his surrondings and regularly fights and uses his powers in places where bystanders could be injured and leaving roads bridges or nearby buildings in ruins. when confronted about the latter by hinotos knight (his name is saiki) he straight up says he doesnt care if anyone gets hurt. which i mean ok nothing wrong with a character being an asshole. the extreme in your face way kotori and fuuma describe kamui as a kid being very shy and Very quiet and gentle makes this characterization confusing but hey people can change i guess. the confusing part is that as kamui slowly beings to let his guard down he says that the big reason he was so standoffish especially wrt kotori and fuuma was because he wanted to keep them at a distance so they wouldnt get involved with all the end of the world stuff. which makes sense obviously! kamui was absolutely aware of how dangerous it might get. his entire plan was to get the shinken (the sacred sword) and bail because he didnt want any part of any of it. what i dont get is why he was totally cool with bystanders being injured or killed. during his fight with saiki they were in a neighborhood! on people roofs and shit!! saiki is the one to lead them to an abandoned construction site so no one gets caught in the crossfire. and kamui almost kills saiki!!! which i will let slide a bit because kamui was being followed and had been attacked by spells literally that morning. but later on he apologizes to saiki but never explained his reasoning why he didnt care about destroying peoples houses??? and its never brought up again?????? also theres a scene added to the anime where he kicks the shit out of kotori and fuumas dad??? because he wouldnt give kamui the sword?? bro thats ur best friends dad you jackass!!!!!

in the anime they added flashbacks for the time after he moved away from tokyo which i think make his whole character make much more sense. when he first moves and goes to a new school he accidentally uses his powers and makes everyone afraid of him. fast forward past elementary school to high? school? its unclear. at school hes a lazy slacker that never goes to class and never talks to anyone, big ol loner. he sees that a local gang has been stealing kids money and beating them up. so he decides to put on a tough guy persona and confront the gang telling them to knock it off and scaring them shitless with some fun ass kicking psychokenesis. now i am SO on board with this addition. kamui being ostrisized for being weird and scary when hes already a super shy kid, so he embraces this scary intimidating image and tries using it for good because hes still ultimately kind hearted. he gets too absorbed in this tough guy persona that he loses touch with the original purpose of it and just uses it as a shield because he himself is afraid and confused. and maybe even hiding behind it because hes so afraid of having this huge destiny that he doesnt know if he can live up to and how can someone who decides the fate of the world be just some quiet oversensitive guy.

except all of that is my own speculation and analysis because they really do not go into ANY detail about this. i wouldnt say its to the point where it feels like they just flipped a switch and hes nice now but it def feels like that. and it annoys me because after he kind of apologizes for being a dick it doesnt really get brought up again?? i think he broods over it once or twice. but i would have really liked to see flashes of it coming back in high stress situations or something? he has a lot of points of grief and depression but its always meloncholic rather than angry and it really makes him feel like two different characters i wish it was way more of a mix.

anger would also be good with the whole overarching theme of trying to break out of the path destined for you. its constantly said that theres only one future by the dreamgazers although hinoto wants to change it. its supposed destined that kamui will lose and earth will be destroyed. anger but more importantly PASSION is whats needed break out of what has been preordained and to carve your own path. passion is also whats needed for the main part of the second half of kamuis character arc, figuring out what it is he REALLY wants. what his true wish is.

i also think anger could have been a good inverse to the deliberate mirroring of kamuis character and subarus character. subaru really represents despair and being completely swallowed by grief. his story is that the man he fell in love with (named seishiro) was just manipulating him for fun and is actually an emotionless assassian. subaru is so destroyed by this realization he goes into a depression and because of this is unable to save his sister being killed by seishiro. his goal is literally to be enough of a nusance to seishiro that hell kill him. literally he wants to be acknowledged as important enough to bother killing. its pointed out often how subaru and kamui are so similar, with how fuuma killed kotori, and how theyre both kindhearted ro a fault. its an intentional reflection. subaru even pulls kamui out of a similar depressive state after kotori dies. he and kamui have a whole heart to heart about how some peoples happiness can look pitiful to others and how hes going to fufill his goals even when other people are worried for him. and most importantly about how not everyone can be happy with an outcome. i think it would have been really good for subaru to represent someone overcome with depression about how awful the world is and paralyzed with that sadness and kamui would be the rightous anger and compassion needed to actually change the world. “lets this radicalize you rather than lead you to despair” you know? it would have been a really good parallel considering part of x’s themes are literally about having compassion for humanity. but that reading possibly shoots itself in the foot because the language used wrt the two possible futures are things to stay as they are or for a “revolution” to occur, meaning killing everyone to let the earth heal. so ideas of change are insinuated to be connected with the seven angels and genocide. which uh. not going to get into that.

i do like when he starts going to the clamp school he goes back to being shy and quiet and kind of gets pushed around by people with more force of personality. very fun uncomfortably relatable. its ok man im extremely passive too.

anyway final thoughts kamui needs more passion. clamp give me the rights. also let subaru and kamui hang out and have a brotherly bond. no creepy shit. just subaru being an akward older brother that knows what kamuis going thru and gives bad advice bc he has god awful coping mechanisms.

side note we arent ever told about his likes/dislikes hobby or anything of that nature. the blankest of slates. so my city now. i think hes into obscure indie music and has thousands of hours in various life sim games like animal crossing and stardew valley.

[unfortunatematchups]

(Hello is this blog dead because I haven't seen you post since February)

nope, this blog aint dead. i have it open on a browser tab as long as im online to check on any new asks and messages. im going to leave a short explanation here for those who dont want to waste their time.

weve been busy with other interests and ive gotten something like a writers block. matchup block? since im the primary writer here, theres pretty much no activity as long as im not writing. thats it. no reason, nothing to do with personal problems. just a block. 

keep reading for the real reason. you might not like it, but here it is.

im going to use these john sprites to convey my emotion so it might clear up any doubts on how im feeling. lets start with the process of how i write a match.

this is what a draft looks like. i write out how i would rant about this pairing, errors and all, then i leave it for the next day to come back to this and clean this draft into a polished, three-pointer paragraph. the thing is, im the only one doing this, so its obviously going to take long. i dont mind, i love to type and see something spawn from my effort. 

the problem? these rants are people-specific. right. whatever im rambling about in the draft, its about the ask and the ask only. it wouldnt fit if you crammed it into another ask, it wouldnt make a lick-a-sense if it was used to answer someone else. but, when i start to polish it up with clear and coherent sentences, suddenly it becomes… static. it becomes plain and simple, uninteresting and linear. think of it like youre hearing about a book from someone you know and trust versus a review. the person you know describes why the book is great with a lot of passion and love, but theres a lot of errors in delivery and some awkward bits they havent flushed out yet. 

nevertheless, its enjoying and persuasive, because you can see how they love it so much to the point where it gets them like that. they dont plan out how theyll describe the book to you word by word, because theres no need to. seeing how it gets them excited gets you excited, so you buy their faith in the book. 

what about a review? its clean, its cut, its perfect in delivery. it has a flow, introducing you to the story and overall appeal, then maybe it digs down for a spoiler or two. it gels with you in a simple fashion, doesnt quite have that connection a passionate ramble has. because its professional. 

thats what ive been making this blog to be. professional. i answer the request with a polished, pretty and perfect answer. theres no personal connection. i could take a match, swap out a couple of words, maybe cut out a bit, and it would be clear for another match. it feels static to write those paragraphs, and it progressively gets worse each time i repeat the process. im chipping away at something so close, so personal and unique into something dull and professional because i want it to look clean.

but thats my end of the problem. i dont like how it comes out, so what? people enjoy it. they must be, seeing how theres fifty three fucking asks for matchups and 73 followers. 

i wont show all the asks i have in the inbox, but ill tell you what majority, if not all of them, sound like. 

“I’m bi/pan”, “I have brown hair/eyes”, “I’m chubby/short”, “I like art/gaming/reading/writing”, “I’m shy around people I don’t know, I’m crazy around people I know”, “I’m a nerd”, “I have ADHD/Anxiety”. 

of course, there are some exceptions. not everything i say is as is, but from 50+ asks, these are what about three quarters of them sound like. there are personal differences, like music tastes and obscure hobbies, but the general gist is there. 

im not going to say anything about the sexuality orientation, because im in a friend group where majority, if not all, are not cishets. yes, people like art and gaming. 

but thats it? these descriptors are such shallow answers. i can personalise a match for you, sure, but does it feel like its right? you like gaming. so what, do you like ALL games? from FPS to Dating sims to Horror games to Sports games to Adult games? do you like ALL art? Surrealism, sculpture, comics, abstract, even those where they splash paint and call it a day? really? i dont think im asking for a lot when it comes to being specific. some asks literally just go ‘im a bi female, 5′3, i like gaming and drawing, im sometimes shy but i can be sassy at times’. 

with everyone being so similar and vague, how am i supposed to give a match i feel is right? i might as well take everyones favourite boy david elizabeth strider and talk about how he likes your art and how he likes gaming and oh isnt it so great that you two like music. 

there are some unique ones, and its pretty obvious which ones they are because ive put in more love into them. and i havent been able to do that to many asks. 

and the physical descriptions. while im sure some of the characters do have types and preferences, i dont care for appearances. i dont care if youre fat or skinny, i dont care if youre tall or short, brown hair or blonde. you being morbidly obese or morbidly skinny may affect the match depending on how i feel the characters might respond to someone with those physical traits, but they shouldnt matter. 

i dont need how you look. i dont want how you look. its shallow and unimportant. it takes up space in the ask, because you could be using it to describe your personality or interests in detail. not that youre limit to one ask, you can send in an entire fucking fourteen page essay and id match you, as long as youre telling me something i can pair you with. 

telling me youre ‘chubby’ or ‘blonde’ doesnt help visualise shit. this shouldnt be new information to you or anyone else. writing shit like ‘he loves your curves!’ or ‘she likes how short you are because it makes you cute’ is bullshit and is simply self-serving nonsense. yes, its an additional bonus if your lover likes how youre short or fat, but that shouldnt be why theyre in love with you. a paragraph based on how much they like to hold you are appreciate your body is utter fucking nonsense. you appreciate your own body, and thats it. 

i dont feel inspired when i look at some of these asks. i dont feel like i should answer any of these because a) im not obligated to, this blog is just a side hobby and b) id be writing something i dont enjoy for people who might also not enjoy it. i dont deserve to sit at my laptop and write something i feel doesnt represent my work or ideas well, and the person who im matching doesnt deserve the half-assed boring paragraph of nonsense im pulling out of my ass just to clear the inbox. 

ive taken some time away from this blog and upon receiving this ask, i wanted to use the same old excuse every other blog uses: ‘we’ve been busy, so we went on an unannounced hiatus’. 

but thats not true. with the pandemic forcing lockdowns, theres essentially nothing else for us to do. if anything, this would mean that we have more time to write. 

so there it is. my truthful answer as to why nothings coming out of this blog.

part of this is my fault. i thought that maybe i could force myself to match all those vague asks that feel like theyre about the same person, just with a couple of changes. but i cant. i wont. im not going to keep writing shit i dont like, and im not going to keep giving half-assed matches, giving characters people are at the very least sure to be okay with. 

i want to write exciting, unique and adorable relationships. i thought that with the homestuck fandom being so vast and creative, maybe i would get the chance to meet and write for a couple of people who were just so different it would make pairings id never thought of. 

but nah, it looks like everything is the same. all the anon asks start to bleed together. the responses start becoming the same. im given descriptions that sound so tame, so generalised. like somehow, youre afraid of letting me know who you are as a person. or not, perhaps you just struggle with expressing yourself. thats why youre using anon to send in your ask, isnt it? 

i turned anon on because i wanted to respect privacy. i wanted people to be able to send in each and every detail about themselves while remaining behind a mask so they could get the best match without exposing every inch of themselves on a blog. maybe that was my mistake. 

ill leave the matches open, but im only going to do the ones that interest me. but if you decide that you dont give a fuck about the quality of the match, tell me or something. i have drafts that i can just post. maybe youd like that. 

-pretty obviously, mod olio.

[mars-the-4th-planet]

Mr. Box and Isaac Stroganoff play another game even though its been so long since either made a game review that the game review community forgot who they were.

"What are we playing today?" Isaac Stroganoff said as he put his umbrella down in the corner even though the window showed it was a sunny day out. He untucked his pants, unzipped his fly, and sat by his American counterpart: misterjukebox8

"I have several questions, but for the sake of time I will just say we are playing a game you might enjoy: Yuri Gagarin Goes To The Beach. A commissioned title made in 1999 by an unknown publisher by the name of Kozakh Studios. I could not find any information on them online except a website that was entirely in Russian. Which is why I invited you to this review despite how harsh you were last time, because you might actually like this game. Its Russian!" Jukebox explained.

Isaac Stroganoff did a Russian gesture of sort of apologizing. "Yes, well, last time I played games with you I neglected to get comfortable and I may have roasted you many as a result. Was pretty funny. But now I have taken the time to settle in, I hope we can make many good video together."

Jukebox grinned, it looked like it would be a normal video for once. Just a nice, relaxing game review with no one roasting him or attacking him or breaking into government facilities.

He brushed off the old cartridge and stuck it into his "Oh hi Mark" plug-n-play console that according to a reddit post was the only console that the game was compatible with besides the Super Nintendo, which he also had but Jukebox was trying to seem less like a Nintendo fanboy.

"I did not hit her, it is not true, I did not! Oh hi Mark" the console beeped as it started up, then the loading screen appeared and it was Yuri Gagarin the rocket girl flying in a circle around the communist symbol.

Isaac Stroganoff frowned. "Jukebox, my friend, are you implying that I must like communism because I am Russian? If so, I kick many ass. Mostly yours. I will break spleens like lumberjack splitting watermelons."

"Not spleens, she is my favorite cat in the Sims..." Jukebox joked, and added "Oh and of course I am not trying to generalize you like that Isaac... Totally... I know Russians arent all the same!"

He then winked at the camera, out of Straganoffs view.

Isaac Stroganoff smiled. "Yes, good. Let us play game then, it is done with the load."

They had three options on a title screen with Yuri Gagarin smiling and whooshing back and forth in a space background with old fashioned SNES era graphics.

>New game

>Options

>Quick play

A forth option, >Continue, was also on screen but greyed out and could not be selected.

"Weird how there is no quit option." Jukebox noted.

"Quitting is for baby Europeans, not mighty Russian hordes." Isaac said snatching the controller and smashing his thumb down on "quick play"

A side scrolling stage opened up with Yuri Gagarin as the playable character. She could go in any direction since she could fly, but appeared somewhat agitated based on the pixel art. The background appeared to be a broken down industrial site with a brown and grey pallette. Jukebox shrugged. "I mean I kinda expected a bit more beach stuff out of a game called-"

"Jukebox. Please. The goal of the game is obviously to get Yuri Gagarin to the beach, dont be an American simpleton."

"But im American I cant help it!" Jukebox joked. "Hey look money!"

In the game there were alternating pillars of yellow dollar signs that spun like Mario coins or sonic rings. There was a counter at the top showing the dollar sign and a 0 next to it. There was also a high score counter which was also zero. However, Isaac Stroganoff avoided the dollar signs.

"Do you actually know how to play games Isaac, after all the times you teased me in the world of tanks video?"

"Fool. You do not grab dollar when playing communist."

"Right. Yeah those are probably hazards."

Then they saw a pulsating Stalin face, which Isaac Stroganoff swerved Yuri to grab. Their high score points went up to 1956. Apon grabbing another one, it proceeded to double to 3912.

"Oh so to get points you have to get the pulsating stalins... Makes sense, that is perfectly logical." Jukebox said with a shrug. "I never want to say that sentence again though."

"Have you noticed how wide of a behind Yuri Gagarin has in this game?" Trolli asked, poking his head from behind the couch.

"Ahh! How long were you back there??"

"Silly orange haired man has come to join us. Great, I shall enter coma and wake up when he is gone."

Yuri Gagarin in the game seemed to be flying slower now and looked more agitated, with cartoony sweat drops coming out of her head. This was probably because of the increased number of dollar signs, and what appeared to be rocket girl parts strewn around on the ground on the stage. Isaac Stroganoff just thought this made the game easier however, and continued gathering Stalin faces and getting points.

"Besides her bottom half is a rocket so it has to be big enough to carry her weight."

"Well, is not entirely inaccurate game. Russian women have much large and supple rear end. American women? Nothing. No boob, no ass, just cuteness. Good in their own way? Perhaps. If you are fool and a dog." Isaac pointed out. Jukebox scratched his head nervously "Erm... Dont get us demonitized Stroganoff... We just got this channel unsuspended after the truth or dare with ko video collab. Speaking of which what do you think of ko? Shes American but I find her beautiful."

Trolli and Stroganoff looked over at Ko from the Ko Sho, who was doing the BNHA dance after having spilled water on herself like a dork. Their eyes turned to hearts and "PERFECT!" flashed across the screen like it was a music game. Except zoomed in on Ko of course.

It was almost as if her boyfriend wrote the script for the Isaac Munger show with how attractive she was to all the characters.

Ko then started putting on cosplay and the boys went back to being boys, unpaused the game and continued.

"You know, overall, this is not such a bad game. I was expecting worse but it seems like just an old timey thematic flappy birds and you know what? I can get behind that." Jukebox admitted. "So can I play?"

Isaac Stroganoff handed him the remote. "Yes, time to get the money!" He said as the background started looking more like a beach. He darted Yuri Gagarin towards a column of dollar signs, and immediately apon touching them he was jumped by a screamer and a graphic depiction of the Russian Rocket Woman being dismantled for her capitalist sympathies. Jukebox jolted back and covered his eyes with a yelp and trolli disappeared back behind the couch while Isaac Stroganoff just looked annoyed. "We were so close to winning the quick game!!" He grumbled loudly. The lavender town music started playing about then. Jukebox, shuddering slightly, turned the power off. "Thank you for watching the Isaac Munger show everyone but we will be continuing this game when the sun is up. Or maybe not. Goodbye and thank you all for a wonderful time!"

"But is already day time outside--no wait, it is night now? Strange."

Jukebox nervously blew a kiss at the screen like usual, and called for ko to come hug him. Isaac Stroganoff looked confused. "Why is the Pokémon song still going?" He asked. "Probably just a bug... I hope." Jukebox replied, holding ko for comfort. "Nah Spookbox is probably gonna come kill us lol." Ko joked.

[purplesurveys]

514

1. Do you bite your nails? I have bursts of it that turn on and off. I usually develop the habit when I’m at a particularly anxiety-filled period, then I stop when things get back to normal. 2. When was the last time you had ice cream? A couple of weeks ago when I finished the remaining cookies and cream ice cream in the tub. 3. Would you ever get a tattoo? I would, but only one or two and would keep it very tiny. 4. How do you pronounce your last name? Easily. 5. What do you eat/drink way too often? Hahahaha, I’ve been eating at Yabu too much. Which is also to say I’ve been spending too much, because a katsu set there is so expensive. D:

6. Do you like orange juice? If it’s more sweet than sour, yeah. 7. Are there any sports you enjoy watching? Professional wrestling, if it counts. I also like watching volleyball and basketball. 8. What are you listening to? There’s constant chatter around since I’m in school, but someone is also playing the grand piano downstairs at the lobby. I don’t recognize the tune, though. 9. Are you supersitious? I follow like one superstition, and don’t really care for the rest. That’s saying a lot considering Filipinos are incredibly superstitious. 10. What's the temperature in your house right now? I’m not sure...I’m guessing it’s a little warm. 11. Do you write on your hand? I used to in high school; I’d write all my to-do lists and homework on my left hand. I don’t know how and why, but I stopped in college. I’m glad I did, because looking back on it is embarrassing and screams irresponsibility lmao. 12. Have you read any magazines in the past week? I don’t think so. I borrowed a book from the library, but I haven’t tried reading any magazines this week. 13. Where did your parents grow up? My dad grew up in Bulacan and my mom grew up in Parañaque. 14. What are your plans for Friday? There’s a freshie event tonight that I have to go to, but it’s not until 5 so I have several hours to kill.  15. Is anything outside your window? There aren’t any windows around me at the moment cos I’m just sitting at a random spot in my college’s building hahaha. 16. Are you expecting anything in the mail? Not at the moment. 17. Do you know any other languages besides English? Filipino. 18. Did you workout today? OMG I did, I had PE today. Today was particularly irritating because (TMI) my period stained my shorts, so I had to go back to wearing my original bottoms - DENIM JEANS - for the rest of the workout. It was SO uncomfortable and annoying and embarrassing. 19. Have you ever been in love? I have and I am. 20. Are you IMing anyone currently? Nope. 21. How many floors is your school? My school has a looooooot of buildings, but my college’s building (mass communication) has two floors. 22. Where did you go today? I just went to school. I’ve been here since 6 AM, and will stay here till 7 PM or until tonight’s event ends. 23. What color is your bedroom? White. 24. Are you a spender or a saver? SPENDER lol. 25. How long are your showers? Short, I never like taking a bath for too long. 4-7 minutes should do the trick. 26. Have you ever been in the news? I’ve probably been. Two years ago a bunch of universities held a protest against the burial of iconic pain in the ass Ferdinand Marcos at our Heroes’ Cemetery and it ended up on many major news media. I joined cos I was just as furious as everyone else, so there’s a good chance I was included in one of the many drone shots they took for broadcast haha. 27. Are you hungry? Yeah I’m super hungry at the moment. 28. What was the last game you played on the computer? It was The Sims 4 before i realized it was slowing my computer down and I had to get rid of it. 29. If you could say ten words to your ex, what would they be? 30. Is it dark outside? I can’t tell because there aren’t any windows where I’m sitting, but judging from the way people are fanning themselves as soon as they arrive in the building, it’s bright and sunny outside. 31. Where is your father? He is at home, and I’m guessing he’s using Netflix or taking a nap. 32. What is your favorite band? Paramore. 33. Is there a class you fall asleep in? Noooo, I don’t do that. 34. Do you actually enjoy reading? I can, but I’m very picky about books. 35. Have you ever been to a Fudruckers? I don’t even know what that means, so no. 36. Would you ever go streaking? Probably not. 37. Are you still a virgin? No. 38. What was the last clothing item you bought? I got a two-piece ensemble; it’s a mustard yellow long-sleeved crop top paired with also a mustard yellow high-waist skirt :)) It’s really pretty. 39. Do you wear braces? I used to, but my teeth didn’t have a lot of issues so I only had it for a year and a half. 40. How good are you at sudoku? I don’t even understand how the game works. 41. Who do you think you'll kiss next? My girlfriend. 42. Do you enjoy poptarts? LOVE THEM. 43. Is your internet wireless? Yes. 44. What type of dog/cat do you have? He’s an askal, but he’s a furry askal so I’m guessing he’s half-half. I’ve never found out what his breed is / what breeds his parents were. 45. Do you like High School Musical? My childhood practically revolved around HSM.

[mirror-hero-mira-blog]

My Story

This will be mildly depressing but its my story and why i am how i am and all ive gone through it twenty short years

So I will be twenty soon and people keep wondering and asking or praising me for surviving trauma. I’ve decided to explain in full and un censored detail my process, what i went through, my thoughts during it, the effects and how it left me. There are mentions of abuse, sexual assault, depression, domestic violence, suicide, and very dark thoughts so be warned. My memory is also unreliable as i am never sure what is real and what is not before the age of thirteen so im doing my best to recall everything in order, ages wont be exact as i try to repress and just out right can recall them.

My trauma started roughly when i was 7-9. I recall laying in bed and hearing my parents violently shout at one another, about what i cant recall, and crying because i was afraid of an unknown danger. I remember a rift being made in my house, me being lashed out at, and my mother rarely being around the house. Now before i go further i was a shy child who had little friends, i have one younger brother who is two years younger than I, most of my days, or what i can recall, was in my room reading and later playing on my ds once i got one while rarely going outside to play aka catching frogs and bugs. i dont recall much from when it started, i was a smart kid so i think i knew something was wrong but wasnt emotionally or mentally ready to deal with it. 

Now, i was a big daddys girl but i also loved my mom dearly because well shes my mom. One of my clearest memories from this when i realized it wasnt right was my mom showing up to the house and me being so excited since i hadnt seen her in so long i let her in, she hugged me and my father instantly yelled at me and scolded me. i think the next thing was me being sent to my room but thats where it ends. i remember feeling so confused because shes my mom why cant she be home? why shouldnt she be allowed inside? why cant i be happy to see her? thats the last clear memory besides us getting kicked out of that house due to rent not getting paid.

I remember my mom trying to keep calm and smile and she told me “we have to keep stuff packed because we will be moving soon and need to be organized”. Looking back im really happy she tried to keep little me happy and from knowing.She may not have been the best mom but she certainly loved me then as well as my brother. When we were kicked out i recall my dad not being as in a rush as my mom, he seemed tired and to say flat out like he couldnt care less. I was packed up with a few of my things, the rest in a storage unit including my entire child hood, and moved to a different state. 

Me, my family and our dog were moved in with my mothers mom who was by far not the best but i couldnt do much as i was maybe 11-13? I remember her blaming my father for things he didnt do, i remember yelling and violent arguing between my father and my moms boyfriend (my mother and father had separated if you couldnt guess), my mom in the middle yelling at them to not do it infront of the kids. Eventually we moved from there after my grandmother had called the police on them for some reason (i recall it just being a warning or something nothing serious). My mom had broken up with her boyfriend and moved with us, i shared a room with her and my brother shared a room with my father, at this point we had our original dog and 3 dog sisters who we loved dearly (we being me, my mom, and brother). i remember starting to feel what i would come to realize was the beginning of my depression as well as my anxiety, that i had since i was little, beginning to get much worse. I was bullied harshly during this time and barely got by in most of my glasses because of what happened in that house.

i dont know how long i lived in that house but it wasnt incredibly long, 2 years maybe? i know it was half of middle school there with a year or so at my grandmothers. The first little while was calm, i hardly remember much from when we moved in so im assuming it was. I recall playing wii with my mom and watching tv siting of the floor eating pizza, followed by me and my brother playing the wii version of sims ( i recall him learning how to beat the rng and us never playing again). My next clearest memory is more yelling and banging. Violence. Now i wasnt a stupid kid and was much more brazen than i am now, i was a child genius who could quickly deduce what was wrong. I would get into the arguments, stand between my mom and dad to keep him from hitting her, yell that i wouldnt move or let him touch her. yell at him so much my throat hurt. One of my most clear memories is my mom yelling at me to call the police and as i dialed she came in and locked the door telling me to just not. i checked if she was okay and recall hugging her and just siting there afraid not fully being able to understand.

At some point my dad had enough of me and my mom and threw us out of the house, throwing our things as we sat on the bed of her truck, even throwing our two of the 3 dog sisters at us while we waited for the police, now what happened after this makes me realize just how manipulated and emotionally abused i was. My dad convinced me to come home, leaving my mom at my grandmothers. he convinced me my mom was evil and manipulated me using the state i was in to take me from my mom. he talked badly about my mom constantly and eventually his girlfriend moved in. his girlfriend was as bad as him and i recall feeling unwanted. i have a scar on my arm that makes me recall how brazen and unafraid i was at times. The scar was breaking up a fight her dog had started, it attacked my dog sister and she told me to stay out of it as my dog probably started it, i got in the middle picked up her dog, it scratching me deeply across my upper arm and shoved it into her chest. i picked up my dog and took her to my room. i was still bullied during this time, faced the manipulation at home, and started becoming suicidal.

Now this next part is something im not proud of but shows just how far i was into this manipulation and how far i came. My father kid napped me. Him and his girlfriend decided they wanted to move back to her two daughters and away from my mom. my brother was apprehensive but i was a mindless puppet so i did as told as thats what i was raised to do. we packed up in a 48 hour period, me not sleeping for that entire period and were getting ready to leave. i had this large white monkey i had since i was little, it towered over me and i loved it, his name was marvin. i mentioned why we werent bringing him and that we had to because he was our family and even got a bit teary eyed over it my dad said “if you want it that bad we can leave you and dakota (my dog sister) and you can sit on your ass until your mom swings her ass around to get you”, that terrified me so i reluctantly agreed and was taken to a completely different state yet again with the question of “why would he leave me”. i recall not enjoying my time there and my father limiting my mom talking to me so much i dont really recall much more that a phone call, i was kept out of school for a while until one day police came and told them my mom was taking us back. i left with barely any of my childhood possessions yet again with my dad treating it as her taking us by force, i said goodbye to my dogs and promised i would see them again, i never did and never will.

the trip back i screamed, argued and fought my mom and not yet step father. my dad manipulated me well i guess. i calmed down when we got back to my now home state and got the last dog sister ginny, my mom asked my grandmother to watch her, and headed to my moms home. i had trouble suddenly adapting to a some what better environment where i wasnt treated like a mindless child. i was so damaged and i dont think they knew to the extent. 

In these years i was verbally abused by my mom, step father, and brother but they were so much better than my dad despite it. i was reaching my peak depression and had attempted to commit suicide by this point but had failed. at some point i recall them “cleaning” my room, as due to losing nearly everything i owned i clung to things, and burning what they deemed trash it made me have a break down because well just look at what had happened previously to things i owned. in that period i was locked out in the cold, verbally and emotionally abused, treated like i was a piece of shit and that i was worthless and i believed that for so long. my brother had hit me a few times and even started encouraging my suicidal mind set, my parents (which will not be my mother and step father) said it was just him being my brother. Due to my previous trauma i was desperate for friends and to be liked and it have social interactions it led me into some very very toxic friendships and relationships. i had someone who stole my phone and said she just wanted to see what my number was, but had texted my mother iw as stay for a study session when i wasnt. i got home and was brutally yelled at for lying and they yelled the entire time while forcing me to give them all my passwords then calling me out for lying when i gave them the wrong email password by mistake. in the following time period they would check everything i owned, i had to privacy or sense of self. even to this day i hate people touching and looking at my stuff, im still so paranoid ill get in trouble for something. during this time is also when i was first sexually assaulted.

Yes that said first as it happened twice. they both abused my prior trauma that made me a selective mute that disassociates when in stressful situations. i wont go in depth but even years later i couldnt be in the same room with the first without being sick to my stomach. the second was into my junior year of highschool. between that time and the first i was emotionally manipulated, attempted suicide again and failed, became even more depressed and suicidal, and developed more toxic friendships that i now realize only hurt me as they playfully bullied me and only one of that group, who never did, remains my friend or well my best friend as she stayed by me despite not knowing any of my past. i was manipulated into entering a long distance fwb relationship that ruined a good friendship but also helped make me more stubborn towards people who tried to do that. the verbal abuse still happened during this time and my brother got to the point of doing it the worse. my junior sexual assault ended with us breaking up mutually but him getting such a hate towards me that he tried to ruin my life by turning any “friend” against me and brutally harassing me until a girl i respect so much stood up for me, shes getting married and im excited for her and happy i met her despite us not talking. half way through my junior year i began to realize how bad the people i was around most of the time were for me, so i stopped hangin out with them and started selectively being around people who engaged me in conversation and who actually included me. i was still struggling through the tail end of my suicidal spell and my awful depression as well as  ptsd, having nightly flashbacks that often left my crying and having break downs where i just hated myself so much and hated that i couldnt be normal and happy and not annoy my friends with this shit, it caused me to never talk about it and it made it so worse going through it all alone with only my fucked mental state.

my senior year i gained some self confidence and started accepting myself. midway through i had a bad relapse and nearly succeed in killing myself but managed to yell at myself to not as i was holding a handful of pills to my mouth, not even an inch from it. that was my last attempt. 

i struggled still, had relapses, fought with my own head without anyone knowing as it told me they didnt care and i was a burden so i should deal with it by myself as no one deserved that. i hated when who i told felt so bad for me and wished it hadnt happened because it happened and i cant change that no one can and i dont like being seen as sorry and weak. 

over the years until now i tried endlessly and hard to build my self back up and gain some sense of self and try to begin my recovery.

i still relapse, i still think about killing myself, i still have massive anxiety and panic attacks. but im alive and i survived. 

I count the days between relapses, it happens left often. Im covered in scars but no one can see the ones i purposefully caused anymore. I hurt and ach and want to be cared for and want to be loved and have people around me who care for me and who value me. Im working on building myself a supportive circle of friends and trying to become as stable as i can be with what i have.

My family says i dont need therapy and refuse to try to help me get it so when i move out its my first priority, i have ever lasting mental scars from my trauma that wont ever go away but im slowly learning to live with it and becoming proud of who i am.

something i forgot to mention is yes i was hit as a child. to this day i freak out and panic and will throw myself to the ground if it appears someone is about to hit me. i cant hand yelling or loud noises, im afraid of people and crowds, i have trust issues, i speech impediment, things i cant do because of the scars of my trauma.

now you may be asking how im alive? why i still keep living? how i got through this alone? honestly i cant answer the last one because i dont even know, but the first two i can roughly explain.

i didnt ever kill my self because right before i would i developed a concept of proving people wrong, that i belonged in this world as i had already survived nearly dying at 5 due to an allergic reaction. then as i got older i made the deal that if i made it to 18 that would be enough, im turning 20 soon. Now a days i have people and things to live for. When i think of killing my self i think of my friends L and M (not real names of course), i think of my dogs, my guinea pigs, my dreams, my goals, all the things i want to do. Ive become a role model to others now so i cant just die on them and give up on them. I cant help people and help others going through what i did, i cant be there for the people i care about to ensure they live and make it too, i cant be there to give them what i didnt have; someone who cared and loves them.

ive felt unloved my entire life and it hurts knowing the people who are supposed to love you apparently dont if they do what they do. it hurts seeing people going through what i went through because i know how much that hurts and how over bearing it can be. My trauma made me not want to make the same choices and hurt others in the way they ones who hurt me did. It made me not want to bring life into this world unless i was sure i wouldnt make the same mistakes. It made me crave to be loved and have people by my side and it gave me a weird but reasonable goal: Live a life i can be truly happy and safe in, a life without fear. 

i still struggle daily but im getting by and im getting there, im trying to become someone who i can be proud of, someone who can and will make a difference even if its saving one person.

i fight every day to live and have been for a while, hell i cried on my 18th birthday because well i didnt think i would last that long or be alive to see it.

Im alive, and i will continue to be to show others facing and feeling what i have felt that you can do it. you can live and thrive and fight for your life and end up better than you are or were and better than those who hurt you. Ill stay alive to act as a pair of open arms to those who are in my place, to give them someone who cares, to teach them they dont have to do it alone or hate themselves for wanting to depend on others. 

Im here because i feel i need to be to break the cycle and prove i deserve to live as do they and as do you.

[imadeletingmysocials]

My scores for E3, because apparently now i’m a dumb 4channer who thinks this /v/ meme shit matters, like it’s not gonna affect sales or anything it’s pointless as all hell [this is lenghy, but hear me out ok]

EA: 

4/10 - people will probably play the games regardless of how shitty this presentation was but... It felt pretty insulting. 

Battlefield V is probably gonna make a lot of money regardless cuz people like war games and it seems pretty well done, the more footage they have shown seemed better than their weird advertizement that made world war 2 seem very wacky, which honestly regardless if you’re a sexist neckbeard or not, seemed like a poor advertizement move. 

TinyBuild:

No one watched this lol and it was just 1 GAME and a fun cute musical that made people who aren’t strong enough to musicals die, 6/10 because it made nerds die and their song is catchy, i dont really care about their 1 game.

Microsoft:

 9/10 - I'm giving this much of a high score because I would play practically almost all of these games showcased (they’ll probably be available on PC which I’m biased for cuz I have a gaming PC), no kidding, I pretty much liked everything I saw and it was fairly straight to the point. Many gamers don’t appreciate the finer details of each game and think they’re generic but that’s just fanboys who haven’t played a single game outside of their favorites. 

Also my cousin uses those Xbox One netflix rip offs that gives you games so i’m happy for him. The presentation had a lot of diamonds in the rough games that will I will probably appreciate more over time (they might even become cult classics like Metro or Dying Light) than any of other games at other e3s. As for the stuff I won’t be playing: It’s mostly harmless so eh.

There was an abundance of trailers! It was like one after the other, pure goodness, it seems as if they left out all of the Sports games to EA to present and the only thing they showed that might not be anyone’s cup of tea was “Forza”, but honestly? I appreciate it, it seems like a good racing game even if I’m not one to buy racing games.... But the more you think about the number of good games presented, the less you’ll think about that, I mean they showed DEVIL MAY CRY 5!!! 

...The Funko Pop game made me scream though.

Bethesda: 

8.5/10  I cannot deny that these are games I will want to play regardless if they’re good or not. Sad to see nerds not enjoy the opportunity to meet ANDREW W.K. but I’m glad all of the divisions they own are making sequels to stuff I already like, so pretty much Bethesda played it safe.

Devolver Digital:

 8/10 It’s like that one b-movie film your college students made and you had a laugh with creating.

Square Enix: 

5/10 seriously, 30 minues of just trailers? Most of which we saw?? I guess it could be worse but who uses E3 screentime for mostly MMORPG deals! The new stuff was too vague to be excited about too.

Ubisoft: 

7/10 - I liked it when they made funny quirky things and their games are probably gonna be okay like usual, Ubisoft has dedicated fans that like their collectathon games they release every year, and it’s usually that one game you play when you’re bored and got nothing else, it’s okay. 

Gamers hate fun and dancing and all that stuff but I kind of find stuff like that exciting, while nerds who never went outside and who are sensitive as all hell to any representation of fun find it “cringey”. A panda dabbed, and that settles it, Ubisoft was the only E3 Brave enough to dab this year. 

PC Game Conference (it was fairly long):

I know none of you watch this one cuz y’all fake as hell but listen... Fuck you LOL, these are the type of games people actually play over 400 hours and really get people’s money. Like these are games built to last that might be on the best-selling Steam front page for MONTHS, like how Frostpunk was comfirmed last year during this conference, PC Gaming has been known for sleeper hits that nobody knows about (because the attention goes to cinematic experiences on consoles most of the time) but suddently everyone’s playing it. 

PC gaming has always been an alternative lifestyle and seeing as many people didn’t watch this one, that just proves the point that it still relatively alternative. Maybe it’s because everyone sounds dumb as fuck when saying “PC GAMER MASTER RACE” and acting like an elitist. 

The PC Gaming conference is always more of a talk show than a regular E3 which is why I respect it every year, fuck the hyperactive gamers that just wanna see flashy trailers, this one’s more SOPHISTICATED!! It feels a lot more human and less artificial. Either way, lot’s of what you might’ve expected: Simulators and Survival games you’ll probably spend 3 years playing until they make a better minecraft clone. 

Gamers like to act as if they’re tired of Battle Royale (already? It’s a new fad it still is here to stay for a little more) but the numbers and success of it doesn’t lie that it isn’t a fad that proves itself to be highly tempting to try out for developers. Go cry to valve that they didn’t release Half-Life 3 cuz you haven’t played any other FPS game without even researching that Valve pretty much fired all of it’s developers and you’re just being annoying.

I feel as if I need to comment what I saw at this e3 cuz nobody watched, they made a mod I liked from skyrim into a fully-ass game, they’re rebooting Star Control which not a single gamer today knows of, the HP Lovecraft open world detective game also seems very good. YAKUZA IS COMING TO PC!!!!!!!!! Killing Floor 2 stuff, Road Redemption stuff, SHARK RPG, cute indie games, Jeff Goldblum was there, Wall-E with a gun in VR which seems to have promissing good vr design by Insomiac games (yes the spyro people), 2 games about Taxi driving... Like sure I think it’s a good format for story telling but.

A cell-shaded art game, star citizen is still being made, and it’s gone to the point nobody really wants it anymore even if it’s... Still being made you know? So most guys are wrong that it was gonna be canceled. After that was the technical graphic card stuff which gamers don’t have enough capability to understand, stuff like 9k laptops that SELL a lot mind you. Rich people love that technical stuff. 

A space defense sim game, Don’t Starve Sequel, Just Cause 4 detailed explanation of the engine, Overkill’s The Walking Dead gameplay which has been in development hell for years now now has a release date, I discovered Clementine’s voice actor is white... Go figure, a literal pixelated roguelike (not what you think it is, it’s Noita), 

Theme Hospital REBOOT!!!! YES!!!!!!!!! And the doctors were cute. Probably one of the funniest games presented... Followed by REALM ROYALE HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. That harvest moon clone with a cute art style is still being made: Ooblets, no release date sadly. Anno is still going, cyanide and happiness still exists? and they’re making a battle royale? lol okay. How was Hitman 2 not announced during Square Enix?? Anyways it’s here at the end, the trailer was amazing and it’s coming out this year. 

I don’t have that much strong feelings because it’s just a normal conference and not a special one you know? But I’ll give it a 8/10 or 7/10 im not sure cuz I seem to like most games and I found Frankie cute.

Sony: 

Yo usually Sony makes like a huuuuuuuge thing about their conferences (like this year they didn’t even showcase indie games) but this year they started from a church for the sake of immersion?? It reminded me a little of their first E3s during the 90s, and it almost felt like a indie gathering for musicians, I swear to god, Sony is borderline experimental trying to balance out their E3 across stages. Jeb played the banjo and people just ACCEPTED it... AND THEN someone played some JAPANESE FLUTE? aRT. It might come off as a bit arrogant for some tho.

Nerds hated it and thought it was bizzare, which is why it means it’s good. HAPPY PRIDE MONTH BITCHES. Anyways could have been a little more fast-paced... But then again when it was fast-paced it was just like: Huh? What was that? I’m a big Resident Evil Fangirl, RE2 was my childhood but ignoring that for a sec: finally, Death Stranding gameplay, remins me of shadow of the colossus but post-apocalpytic, survival horrorish and abstract sci-fi.

 Kind of feels more Metal Gear than MGSV did already Cuz Norman Reedus sounds like snake a lot more than the 24 hours guy, and because from what I’ve seen in the footage, someone acts like Otacon to “Sam”. I think most now can figure out the plotpoints of this game with what has been established. I might be a bit sad at the fact that this will be a PS4 exclusive just like Metal Gear Solid 4, which I still haven’t played fully because it’s PS3 exclusive and I only have a gaming PC. 

Also this E3 was surprisingly entirely SINGLE PLAYER, I sorta don’t believe in the “single player doesn’t exist” myth honestly, especially now. I’m not sure if that makes Sony’s E3 better or worse, maybe it needed more variation, like I’ve commented, usually they have an indie showcase which this year did not. There were few games shown but for what it was worth, it’s still interesting... But yeah just 5 games? No Spyro? (easy picking), nothing extra? I can understand why many people felt this E3 was upsetting.

8/10.

Nintendo

Here it is, the most overhyped developer of all of E3, the source of “Nintendo wins E3 by doing nothing” memes because Nintendo fans really don’t care about anything except Nintendo and then act surprised when they only care about Nintendo when they try to be a little more open-minded (and fail) even if other E3s probably make more games built to last in comparisson, cuz we gay people only care about NINTENDO YOU KNOW? Shade asside... 

I was pleasantly surprised this E3, it wasn’t just a series of okay at best releases, a strong 9/10. 

tHAT WAS WHAT I WROTE IN PREPRATION....

BUT THEN???? IT WAS JUST THAT??? NO PRIME 4 NO ANYTHING LIKE JUST 3 GAMES BASICALLY? (maybe there was 5 games but eh) I mean smash is good.. It’s pretty much just an update of the last smash, every character is REALLY FUCKING GOOD BUT.... JUST THAT? jeez.. Like, the only stuff I wanted from it was Mario Party and Smash... Okay maybe that 1 Mecha game. Also I guess fornite is now on Switch but I can play that anywhere else really.

I guess a 7/10 is all I can give to just Smash, if there was a little more I’d give it a 9/10 for sure but... ehh Just Smash? jeez, fuck... i MEAN I kind of get it, Nintendo doesn’t do “e3″ normally, they usually do 1 big game at E3 and then wait a couple of months to do that little seasonal announcement thing they do across the year, ugh.. Okay. Yeah I guess i shouldn’t have expected much. Still isn’t it weird that Miyamoto was in Ubisoft’s E3 but not this one??? what!

Anyways

[shamelessly4shameless-blog]

What if ... Ian and Mickey had brought Mandy home?

 “Listen to it!”

“I did! It’s …”

“He’s gonna fucking kill her, Mickey!”

“Look, I know you want …”

“What I want is to bring my friend - your sister - home!”

Ian pauses his pacing to glare at Mickey and point the cell phone at him like a weapon.

“How can you just ignore this?”

“Cause she didn’t mean to call you, Ian. She doesn’t want us fuckin’ nosing through her life.”

“I don’t give a fuck what she wants! If we don’t help her we’re no better than he is!”

Ian fumes as Mickey pushes a hand tersely through his hair and looks up at his boyfriend with large, uncertain eyes. He doesn’t disagree with what Ian is saying, but Mandy made her choice and in his family they don’t interfere with each other. They’re not like the Gallaghers, they don’t crowd each other. If Mandy wanted them involved she would fucking ask but Ian doesn’t seem to get that at all. Kenyatta took Mandy’s phone and the idiot managed to call Ian and leave a voicemail recording of their fight. Yeah it was grim, it made Mickey’s blood boil to think of that son of a bitch hurting Mandy but she made her choice! They all told her not to fuckin’ go and Mickey doesn’t know what more Ian wants from him.

“Just … calm down …”

“Don’t tell me to fucking calm down!”

Ian throws his cell phone onto the cluttered sofa, instantly losing it amongst Yevgeny’s baby clothes that are strewn across the worn cushions. Folding his arms and slamming his back against the wall, Ian shakes his head and closes his eyes, trying to get a grip on his temper and failing.

“That voicemail was fucking horrible Mickey! The names he called her? The things he said? And Mandy! Did you hear her crying? Did you?”

“Yeah. I heard.”

Mickey says softly, averting his gaze and pinching his lower lip between his thumb and forefinger, tugging it before twisting his hand and rubbing his index finger roughly along the edge of his mouth.

“So?”

Ian demands, pushing himself upright and towering over his boyfriend, deliberately close, forcing Mickey to look up more than usual. Predictably, Mickey cranes his neck rather than stepping back out of Ian’s way. He is getting better at being open with feelings and shit like that, but years of conditioning won’t let him back down from a confrontation, even with Ian, and his fists curl loosely at his sides mechanically.

“Are you gonna help me or not?”

Ian is close enough that Mickey can feel the heat pouring off of his body. In other circumstances Mickey would be rock hard and ready to go a few rounds in the bedroom with Ian all riled up like this. Maybe they’d slap each other around a little bit first, nothing too brutal but they would get a little sore, a little bruised and it would lead to some seriously amazing sex… but Mickey is pretty sure fucking isn’t on the cards right now so he pushes it from his mind and tries to focus on making Ian see reason.

“I don’t know where the fuck Mandy even is! She won’t talk to me, she won’t talk to you … She don’t want our help! What are you gonna do? Huh? Knock down every door in Indiana til you find her?”

“If I have to.”

“Okay well that’s just fuckin’ dumb so sit your ass down a minute and let’s get a plan together.”

Mickey wrenches a crumpled packet of cigarettes out of his jeans pocket, takes one and then flips the carton over to Ian. He inhales the thick smoke, grateful for the familiar buzz of nicotine and then exhales through his nostrils, watching Ian do the same.

Swears under his breath, Mickey licks his lip, considering his options. Short of tying Ian to the bed and refusing to let him leave, Mickey isn’t going to be able to stop him. He’s gone all jutting chin and lowered ginger eyebrows and whilst Fiona might say it’s the bipolar, Mickey is pretty sure it’s just Ian’s pig-headed nature.

“Ay, alright I’ll call her from a burner. She might pick up if it’s not you or me callin’. Okay?”

Ian nods at this but his shoulders round defensively and he stubs the half-finished cigarette out viciously in the dregs of his coffee.

“Why won’t she just talk to us?”

Mickey snorts in response, already turning to rifle through his ‘stuff’ draw to find a fresh burner.

“Cause she’s a bitch and she’s a Milkovich. We ain’t the chattiest people when it comes to our problems.”

Ian’s lip quirks upwards at that, his eyes lightening just a fraction now that Mickey is helping him.

“Yeah well I did notice something like that.”

“Observent fucker, huh?”

Mickey finds what he’s looking for and flips the plastic casing off, inserting the disposable sim into the back of the cheap cell.

“Right, what’s the number?”

Ian digs around in the mess of baby stuff before coming up with his phone and reading the digits out to Mickey who thumbs them in and then lifts the phone to his ear.

“Ringing …”

He says curtly, answering Ian’s impatient expression and holding up the last half-inch of his smoke in a stilling gesture.

“Mandy? It’s me. … your fuckin’ brother? … Mickey, bitch! … No … No … fuck you! … He’s fine … he’s fine too … Yeah…”

Ian is practically crawling out of his skin with exasperation as the phone call progresses and begins miming frantically for Mickey to both hurry up and to give him the phone, which earns him a middle finger salute as Mickey turns his back on him.

“Where are you? … cause I want to know … to send a fuckin’ care package, what does it matter? … Oh I’m the asshole? You don’t answer my calls for weeks and … how is this typical of me? … Oh well excuse me for giving a shit … yes I do! … yes I do or I wouldn’t fuckin’ call … don’t bring that up … it wasn’t your fuckin’ flick-knife it was Iggy’s and Dad said I could …”

Ian can’t take any more of the sibling bickering and lunges forward snatching the phone out of Mickey’s hand

“Mandy? It’s Ian. Where are you? … Because I’m worried Mands… I know you are but please tell me… okay … yeah … I won’t, I promise. I love you. Bye.”

Ian flips the burner closed and nods to Mickey curtly

“I got the address.”

“Why the fuck did she give it to you and not me?”

Mickey asks looking truly affronted, taking the burner from Ian and tossing it back in the drawer alongside a collection of communal weapons and small baggies of powders and pills that Svetlana doesn’t let him leave around the house any more.

“I promised I wouldn’t do anything stupid.”

Ian smirks at Mickey who tongues his cheek and raises his eyebrows in response

“So we ain’t goin?”

“Of course we are. The stupid thing was letting her go in the first place.”

Ian states firmly, breezing past Mickey and heading into the bedroom to change out of his tight jeans and into something he can actually move in. Mickey follows him, rolling his eyes.

“Okay tough guy, you got the address, now what? We just rock up to Indiana?”

Ian looks up from lacing his military boots and fixes Mickey with a look that he has seldom given his boyfriend before: contempt. Mickey flinches slightly and sniffs, folding his arms defensively under Ian’s furious stare

“What?”

“Stop acting like this is bullshit. Your baby sister is in an abusive mess of a relationship with a guy who beats on her whenever it suits him.”

“I didn’t make her fuckin’ go!”

Mickey snaps and Ian slaps his hand hard against the dresser in frustration, making the cheap wood groan and tip precariously onto its side before slamming back down.

“Congratulations, asshole! It’s not your fault! Good for you! Now man the fuck up, get your shit together, and help me bring her home.”

Mickey blinks, squares his shoulders aggressively and the potential for a proper fight hangs in the air between them. The silent tension fills the room, settling in the ceiling cracks and nestling in the folds of clothes left on the floor. Ian doesn’t move, barely even blinks, just waits Mickey out – he’s never been scared of his boyfriend’s temper and he isn’t scared now.

“She needs us, Mickey. We gotta help her.”

After what feels like an age, Mickey nods to himself and just like that, things are in motion.

*

Mickey shrugs out of his grey button down and tugs a passably clean tank over his head, grabbing his cut off jacket from the floor by Ian’s side of the bed where he dumped it last night. It’s been a while since he’s gone after someone like this but the prep is comfortingly familiar and Mickey finds himself warming to it with ease.

He runs his hand fondly over the assortment of weapons in the dresser drawer as Ian types the address Mandy gave him into Google maps on his phone and plots their route.

“Take whatever weapon you want, man.”

Mickey gestures to the drawer, selecting a couple of handguns for himself and pocketing a butterfly knife and brass knuckles.

“Fuck you, Milkovich. Think I wouldn’t bring my own?”

Ian snorts and drops to his knees beside the bed, reaching under and producing a steel baseball bat with a dramatic flourish and giving it a practice swing.

“You know, some guys just bring some clothes and a toothbrush when they move in.”

Mickey grins at him, approval evident in his tone. Ian cocks his head in acknowledgement and loops the bat around the back of his neck, resting his wrists nonchalantly over either end.

“I just packed my biggest, hardest things.”

He drawls, looking Mickey over with a deliberate slowness that has the brunette adjusting himself with zero discretion. A different kind of tension begins to creep between them but Mickey shakes his head.

“Later. You ready?”

Ian nods and shakes himself to get his head back in the game. He has been finding it increasingly difficult to stay focussed lately but this is important, Mandy is important, and with a grunt of effort, he pushes other thoughts aside.

*

In the living room, Iggy and Joey are ripping their first bong of the day but both look up with mild interest at Mickey’s bark of a greeting

“Yo! On a job. You in?”

“What is it?”

“We’re goin’ to get Mandy.”

Iggy frowns and scratches at a spot behind his ear

“Our Mandy?”

“Yeah numbnuts. She’s in trouble. Bringing her home.”

Mickey’s fingers are beating against his leg impatiently. The more often he says the words the more set they become and he wonders how the Hell it has taken him so long to do this. Any of them! Fucking Milkovichs letting their sister be fucked up by some dumb prick of a boyfriend? Shame curls in Mickey’s gut and his nostrils flare at the thought of it.

“You comin’ or what?”

His tone is harsher than he intended but it doesn’t matter because it snaps Iggy and Joey out of their contemplations and both stand up, Iggy heading into the closet.

“She with that Ken … whatever the fuck his name was?”

Joey asks, slipping a stained knuckle duster out of his jacket and slipping it on, large hands flexing.

“Yeah.”

Ian nods. Joey grunts and rolls his neck, grabbing the bong and his bag of pot off the table.

“Disrespectful mother-fucker gonna regret that then ain’t he.”

“You want him dead or just fucked up, bro?”

Iggy’s head pops out of the cluttered space and as both his older brother’s look to him for instruction, the last of the uncertainty leaves Mickey.

When he came out he thought this part of his life with his brother’s was over, family or not, he was gay and he figured that it changed things between them but here they are, waiting on his word like always. Confidence blooms in Mickey’s chest and he lifts his chin, glancing sideways at Ian before clearing his throat and taking the lead.

“Fucked up, but if the asshole dies I ain’t gonna cry about it.”

“Cool.”

Iggy nods and drops the small buzzsaw he had been holding, disappearing briefly and re-emerging with a short wooden club.

As Iggy and Joey amble out to the car, Ian beams at Mickey who gives him a reserved smile back. He doesn’t actually think Ian has ever seen him on this sort of job before and he doesn’t want it freaking him out.

“You sure you’re okay with this?”

He asks quietly, reaching up to smooth back a length of deep red hair from Ian’s brow.

“Fuck yes I am! I’ve been waiting a long time to get this prick. I want to do this.”

Ian’s smile twists into a grimace at the thought of Kenyatta and Mickey realises with a start that he has never seen Ian on this sort of job either. Iggy barrels back into the house and dives into the closet

“Best to be prepared.”

He shrugs, hefting the saw over his shoulder and lumbering out again. Mickey and Ian share one last look and then follow Iggy out. They’re ready.

*

Iggy drives, and he drives horribly. They break the speed limit and swerve in and out of traffic, following the little arrow on Ian’s phone screen, all of them cussing at the robotic voice when it kindly tells them they have missed a turn. The music in the car is blaring out, a mix tape of Slipknot and Korn that drowns out almost everything except the sat-nav app.

“Couldn’t they have got a better fuckin’ voice guy?”

Mickey glares over Joey’s shoulder at the screen, as Iggy slams the car into reverse, narrowly missing a cluster of trash cans and the group of teenagers pissing against them.

“Why the fuck are kids peeing in gangs nowadays?”

“Fuck knows. Animals got no respect.”

Joey grumbles, toking on a blunt before handing it back to Ian who takes it with grateful surprise. Whilst Iggy didn’t seem phased by Mickey coming out, Joey has given Ian more than a few unpleasant looks.

“What is it with you and respect at the moment? You keep banging on about it.”

“What do you mean? I’m always respectful.”

“Joe, you’re the least respectful asswipe I know.”

Mickey laughs, lifting his boot heels onto his seat as Joey swings a fist round trying to clip a knee or ankle.

“Fuck you! Name one time when …”

‘In 200 yards, turn right.’

“Fuck sake! Give me street names mother fucker!”

Iggy yells at the phone and Ian grins despite himself. He doesn’t think he has ever heard Iggy lose his shit before, it makes the family resemblance to Mickey much more obvious.

“You tell it, man.”

Mickey grins and Ian decides that he actually likes seeing Mickey around his brothers. He is gruffer, cruder and cockier but it suits him. They’re like a little wolf pack and Mickey is, by some weird cosmic irony, the Alpha.

Despite the high emotions and disastrous driving, they reach their destination in one piece and all four look with disdain at the run down house that their sister is supposedly living in. It looks eerily like the Milkovich house but with a mailbox and a full set of windows and that is a personal affront to each of Mandy’s brother’s for different reasons, souring the mood in the car instantly.

For Joey it feels like Kenyatta is trying to be better than them with his fancy windows and mail box.

For Iggy it is confusing to see a house so like his own in a different state and he hates it impulsively  

For Mickey it enrages him that this is the best Kenyatta could do for Mandy. Bastard couldn’t even give her a half-way decent house.

Ian just despises all of it. Every brick, window, and blade of grass.

The four men get out of the car and after surveying the street for a minute, Mickey leads them across the road and up the steps.

The front door barely withstands the first kick and gives in without protest after the second.

“KENYATTA!”

Mickey bellows, his brother’s fanning out around him. Ian keeps close to Mickey, guarding his back, his bat held high, ready. He can hear someone moving upstairs and apparently he isn’t the only one because all around him guns are being drawn and they are moving forward, Iggy and Joey take the stairs two at a time but Mickey pauses, Ruger in his right hand, his left pressed flat against Ian’s chest, keeping him back.

“Mick, what …?”

Mickey jerks his head irritably and Ian falls silent. There is a heartbeats space of silence and then all Hell breaks loose above them. They can hear Mandy screaming at Iggy, the crash of bodies hitting the floor, scrambling, cursing and then Kenyatta stumbles down the stairs, blood streaming from his nose, clutching his ribs. Mickey drops his gun and lunges upward as Kenyatta swings clumsily at Ian. They sprawl into the living room, crashing against a shitty recliner chair in a tangle of limbs. Ian throws himself into the fray and fists fly.

Every blow that Ian lands is a catharsis. At some point, he shoves Mickey bodily out of the way and straddles Kenyatta’s hips pinning him and raining punches with wild abandon and he doesn’t stop.

Not when his knuckles split.

Not when his own cheekbone is cut with a stray fist.

Not until Mandy reaches him.

“IAN? IAN STOP IT! FUCKING STOP!”

Mandy’s voice cuts through the haze of adrenaline and Ian blinks, smearing blood over his face as he mops at it with his sleeve. Kenyatta begins to sit up but freezes as metal touches his throat.

“Don’t fuckin’ move, asshole.”

Iggy warns, the tip of his saw pressing against flesh just enough to leave an indentation as Ian stands shakily.

Mandy shakes her head in disbelief and then slaps Ian’s face with the flat of her hand

“You promised me, Ian! You fucking promised!”

“Hey! Don’t hit him!”

Mickey snaps at his sister, yanking her away from Ian. Mandy turns her fury on him in an instant, pitching forward and bashing her fists against Mickey’s chest, glaring at him through bruised and bloodshot eyes.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?”

“Me? What the fuck is wrong with you? Look at the state of your face! You let this piece of shit hit you again?”

Mickey glares right back and kicks Kenyatta dismissively

“Stop it!”

Mandy yells, her hair is matted and she looks half-starved and it is that rather than her words that give Mickey pause. He takes in the state of her clothes and the haunted look in her eyes and shakes his head before kicking Kenyatta in the ribs, harder this time.

“Mickey! Don’t …”

“You’re fuckin’ defending him now? Jesus, Mandy! Come home.”

“Home? HOME? To that house? You call that a home?”

“It’s different now.”

Mandy closes her eyes with an almost hysterical laugh, pressing the heels of her hands painfully against them. Kenyatta makes a noise from the floor and all five Southsider’s look down at him with disgust, silencing him instantly.

“Nothing is ever different, Mickey.”

Mandy’s voice is flat and she shakes her head, wrapping her arms around her middle and stepping back from them all. Mickey glances at Ian and twitches his lip uncertainly, he’s done the part he is good at and now he is out of his depth.

“You okay to deal with this?”

Ian murmurs, gesturing to Kenyatta, his hand briefly caressing the swell of Mickey’s shoulder.

“Yeah, we got it. Go.”

Ian follows Mandy as she makes her way into the kitchen. He has done this sort of thing many times with her brother but though neither of them would admit it, Mickey is actually easier to deal with than Mandy.

“It was my idea Mandy. Not Mickey’s. I got a voicemail from your fight last night and I had to do something.”

“Crash into my home? Assault my boyfriend?”

Mandy sits down at the table and lights a cigarette with shaking hands, before offering Ian the packet.

“It’s not a home, Mandy. You’re not safe here.”

Ian doesn’t dare touch her, but he sits close and when she doesn’t move away, he lays his hand beside hers on the scarred table top.

“I was never safe there either, Ian. You know that.”

Ian nods and swallows heavily. He does know that, they all let Mandy down. Every single one of them.

“It is different now though. We’re there, me and Mickey, and Svetlana and Yev too. It’s a little fucked up but it works. It’s a safe place Mands. We could look after you.”

Dark eyes flash dangerously as Mandy glares up at her friend

“I don’t need you assholes to look after me.”

“Then let us be there while you get what you need to look after yourself.”

Ian counters and Mandy presses her swollen lips together, trembling slightly but not ready to back down.

“You can’t stay here. Not really. Not with him. He’ll kill you.”

Ian presses on despite the look on her face. Like her brother, she responds better to frankness, almost harshness in a way, a gentle approach means nothing to Mandy, she needs to cold steel of a bat to swing, not the soft comfort of a pillow to clutch. He can see that his words are sinking in and being accepted as slowly the fire in her eyes dims to a shimmer.

“What are you gonna do with him?”

“Whatever you want us to. Please Mandy. Please come home.”

Mandy nods, licks her lips, and gently places her hand over Ian’s long fingers. He picks up her hand and cradles it in his own.

*

Mandy doesn’t have much to pack and whist Ian gathers sparse possessions from the bathroom, Mickey helps her stuff her clothes into a couple of bin liners.

“This all of it?”

“Yeah.”

Mandy nods, clutching the larger of the two bags to her chest.

“Alright, give it here.”

Mickey reaches for it, gesturing impatiently

“You don’t have to...”

“Let me carry the damn bag for you for fucks sake.”

He snatches it roughly out of his sister’s hand, begins walking to the door and then stops, dropping both bags at his feet and whirling to face her, irritation and guilt warring for control of his features.

“You should have fucking called me, Mandy.”

She isn’t prepared for the hug but as her big brother’s arms fold around her, she feels her body begin to slacken in quiet relief.

“You’re here now, Mick.”

“Yeah well … just as well too! You’re skinny as fuck.”

Mickey breathes into her hair, his fingers cupping the back of her head as gently as if she were made of brittle glass.

“You’re getting fat.”

Mandy shoots back and then tightens her grip around his middle, her fingers gripping the back of his shirt for dear life.

“Douche.”

Mickey sniffs wetly and squeezes her gently

“It’s gonna be alright, you hear me? You’re gonna be okay. We got you.”

It is probably the most comforting thing any of her family have ever said to her and if Mandy Milkovich was a crier, she would have wept all the tears her body could shed. But Mandy does not cry. She pulls back, sniffs and kisses Mickey’s cheek.

“Let’s get the fuck out of here.”

“And get you some food!”

Mickey nods in agreement and grabs her bags, leading the way downstairs.

*

Kenyatta is propped up against the wall and watches Mandy leave with flat eyes, but she doesn’t look at him. Not once.

Mickey crouches in front of the huge man and slaps his cheek lightly, almost tenderly

“My brothers are gonna stay a while, have a chat, straighten some things out with you, man. You better hope that they are the last Milkovichs you ever fuckin’ see because if not, if you try and come near Mandy again, we’re gonna have to kill you. You know that, right?”

Kenyatta nods and Mickey gives him a bright smile, beautiful and menacing in equal measure.

“Good.”

With that, Mickey dusts off his hands on his thighs, stands and walks away. Ian knows he should follow. Their work here is done, but can barely drag his eyes from the man at Joey’s feet. He knows he’ll be punished for Mandy’s treatment at his hand, Joey is more than capable but a part of Ian wishes he was the one to do it, to wreak a little havoc on the man who catapulted Mandy’s so brutally.

“Ian? Let’s go.”

Mickey calls from the porch steps. Ian tears his eyes away from Mandy’s now-ex boyfriend and begins to leave, pausing to grab his bat. The steel is cool and welcome in his heated palm and he twirls it absentmindedly, looking around the room.

He wanders over to the windows and peers out from between the dirty curtains. How many times did Mandy do this? Peer out at the world, scared either of what was coming or scared of what was already waiting upstairs. On the porch, Mickey catches sight of Ian’s movements and walks across to stand in front of him on the other side.

“What the fuck are you doing? Let’s go.”

Ian nods but doesn’t move. His fingertips press against the smeared panes and he slowly traces Mandy’s name into the grime. On the other side, Mickey cups his hands against the glass and peers past Ian into the house making sure they haven’t forgotten anything of Mandy’s or anything that Mandy might just want, hers or not.

Ian makes a decision and his lip lifts upwards in a small smile

“Take your fuckin’ hands off the glass, Mick.”

“Huh?”

“Move!”

Ian hefts the bat and Mickey reads his intention, leaping back just in time as one after the other, Ian puts the windows out. He smashes the bat through each of them with a malicious relish that he hasn’t felt in years and beams at Mickey through the gaping holes.

“You done now, Al Capone?”

“Yep.”

Ian nods, answering the arched eyebrows and amused smirk on his boyfriends face with a happy smile.

*

They leave Iggy and Joey to their business, Mickey drives and Ian sits in the back with Mandy, not wanting to leave her alone. His fingers untangle some of the knots in the tips of her long hair and she lets him do it, relaxing into the touch little by little.

“How’s Yevgeny?”

“Fat.”

“Mickey!”

Ian chides, laughing despite himself. Mickey half turns to glance back at his sister and shrugs

“It’s true. Little bastard eats, shits, and sleeps as much as Iggy.”

“He looks just like Mickey though. His eyes have gone the exact shade of blue and he’s getting a proper smirk.”

Ian smiles proudly at this and Mandy allows a small smile to lighten her own face.

“Poor kid!”

“Fuck you!”

Mickey gives an exemplary smirk around the filter of his cigarette as he pulls into a McDonalds drive thru. He orders too much food and pays with a few crumpled bills, smiling politely when the cashiers gaze lingers on his bruised and bloody knuckles.

The only free space is a disabled bay, which Mickey parks in without a second thought, heedless of the signs, and hands the brown bags into the back seat. Mandy eats with as much enthusiasm as her brother and Ian can’t help but laugh at them both, though he covers it as choking on a fry. Once she has eaten her fill, Mandy wipes her hands and face on a napkin and slumps back against Ian’s shoulder, sighing in drowsy contentment. Her breathing grows heavy as they leave the parking lot and Ian wraps a protective arm around her shoulder, keeping her close as she sleeps.

“She okay?”

Ian looks up and meets Mickey’s worried eyes in the rearview mirror.

“She will be. You did good, Mickey.”

Mickey’s cheeks turn a dusky pink at the praise and he snorts, drumming his fingers on the steering wheel.

“Didn’t do bad yourself, Gallagher.”

“We make a good team.”

Ian smiles and Mickey grins at him happily, blue eyes holding green firmly.

“Yeah we do.”

*

Months later …

*

Ian is making his way back to the Gallagher house, his hand is throbbing beneath the hastily wrapped up bandages and he is grateful for this because it lets him know that he is still alive. He can barely see, barely hear, everything is white noise and great swathes of colourless normality stretching out into the infinity of his gaze.

“Ian?”

He turns slowly and sees Mandy walking towards him, head bowed against the cold evening breeze.

“You okay?”

“Yeah I gotta …”

He trails off, lifting his injured hand in illustration of the point he can’t quite seem to make.

“Shit! That needs changing.”

“I can do it. Or Fiona. I don’t care.”

Ian sighs tiredly and Mandy links her arm through his, making the decision for both of them.

“I’ll do it. Come on.”

Inside the Gallagher house, Ian sits down whilst Mandy finds the first aid kit. Sammi hovers around them until Mandy asks for a cup of coffee, giving the needy blonde a simple task to complete somewhere else.

“Kinda matches my left hand now, huh?”

Ian says quietly, the joke feeble as he shows Mandy the older scar

“Oh yeah? How did you do that one?”

Mandy replies, rolling the clean fabric over Ian’s blistered palm. Ian draws a shuddering breath and then sighs

“Military. I hot-wired a helicopter, other stupid shit too and burnt myself. Then I ran away, went AWOL …”

“Did Ian say something? Does he want a coffee too?”

Sammi’s head pokes around the kitchen door and Mandy throws a weary look over her shoulder at the older woman.

“No Sammi, thanks.”

“Okay but I like to be included in conversation in my own house you know!”

Sammi sing-songs as she retreats back into the kitchen, bitchy but blessedly oblivious. Mandy shakes her head and presses a finger gently to Ian’s lips when he draws a breath to continue his confession.

“Not now, okay? Gotta be careful who you tell about this stuff.”

Mandy tucks the end of the bandage in and covers Ian’s hand gently with both of her own, cradling it.

“Thanks.”

Ian says looking Mandy in the eye for the first time.

“You’re welcome.”

She kisses his head lightly and stands up

“Let’s get out of here. No offence but your sister is weird and Mickey will be home soon.” Ian smiles slightly and nods, leaving Sammi behind and following Mandy home.

[unravelling-the-world]

I was trying my best, and another friend who always took pictures of us (we took pics of him as well dw) documented all of those moments, i even used a not-permanent spray color hair for that day just so the pictures could be special. I didn't particularly like myself, I never did ,but I was too busy to think about it. When i went out, i felt decent at least. Binder, thick under-eye red/black liner, just the perfect e-boy look i wanted. I felt that, as a pre-hrt person, I was looking as masc as I could while doing the style that makes me comfortable and I want to achieve. I was doing my best everytime we went out to look presentable in the pictures, and I did well 9/10 times. At some point, there was a light festival as well. I went with one friends and my cousin and we had fun. My friend and I took pictures, my cousin didn't want hers taken but we still interacted a lot and had fun, I loved the pics of that day. I never got to post them, because my downfall came soon after. At that point in time, I was finally living the dream. I posted frequently on ig (bc i went out frequently) and even though i wasn't anyone big, no partnerships or anything, not even 1k followers, I was growing, and having been intoxicated by fame at age 12, it was just what I needed. My posts started getting 70 likes on average and 7-10 comments, i only had 500 followers but they were growing at an average of 20 followers/month. A lil tween reached out to me and told me he thought I was really cool and was my fan. Bro, that was awesome. Things were moving forward, and altough i felt afraid of the future, I was working on it all. I was making progress in other aspects as well,having come out formally recently and with help from my psychologist, we were going to start looking into hrt, and i just couldn't believe it. I only have read fast and short info. I never really wanted to inform myself more because deep within me I was just afraid I'd never be able to get it and get my hopes up for nothing. We appointed a session to talk about that. This was march, and at my house, we watched a Japanese channel (because we are all interested in Japanese culture and such) So I knew the coronavirus was coming. They started talking about it since the start, in december, obviously, because they are way closer to where the virus started so it spread faster there. I remember it was on a cruise first. I knew it would eventually arrive here, so through all summer i told my mother "it's only a matter of time." I knew it'd come. March was here, and the last time i went out with my friends came along. Inside my head, I felt like I knew that was the last time. I had thoughts about "I wonder if i'll ever get to see a sight like this again". I managed to take some pictures, because,inside me, I knew that was the last time. I wanted to preserve the memory of it. I didn't want to forget. At the time, with a friend, who took the same metro line as me but lives further away, since it was just us two, when saying goodbye we'd always say "see you in five minutes" (like in endgame, because i told her the whole movie and told her when they said that and then black widow died) and she LAUGHED so hard and it became an ongoing joke between us (we are both kinda suicidal ngl but we just laugh abt it.) We said it that day as well, but we actually never saw each other again lmao

At that point, in the country, there were about 4 covid cases. Only 1 in the capital, so it had started, but was only just the start. When I got home, i kind of knew that was the last. My classes started, and for two weeks, it was hell on earth. Online,obviously. I got paired up with the guy I hated the most in the entire generation (I only knew half of them, and liked even fewer, but this guy. fuck. i would have killed him. he was awful.) Anyways. Yeah. But at the end, classes got postponed until further notice. So I was now a Neet! For a while, even though coronavirus was getting worse and worse here as everywhere, I was doing good. I was living the introvert dream, and since I have a decent/good relationship with my parents and grandma, life was just great. All around me I saw everyone struggle with quarantine. I was having a blast. Playing sims, watching anime, anything went. Shit was great. Got Gta V for free when epic released it, and had a blast. Got obsessed with obey me for a while. It was all fun.... Met via discord with my friends. Almost daily with certain friends, once in a while with others, but the whole group would be together at least once. It was good, for me. I felt good. I would ocassionally wake up and tell my mother that I was happy, and hug her. I don't think i'd ever done that. I was at peak, and I knew it. Drew a lot, played a lot. Did a lot of things and projects. Everything felt ok...My dysphoria wasn't great during these times (since now i stay in pajamas all day except when I use camara to meet with friends, and obviously I dont wear my binder with my pajamas) But i had so much free time, that I could just ignore it. (I'm good at avoiding things. at running away.)

Classes started June 1st. First day, I had a breakdown. I don't remember why, but I couldn't connect to class. I felt overwhelmed. I don't know and don't like asking for help because i feel useless when I do. So I didn't. Apparently I seemed more upset than I thought, because my dad noticed. When comforted or confronted, I always cry. I can't talk about my feelings without crying. I feel weak for expressing them. Even writing this, i feel the knot in my neck. My dad saw and ended up helping and comforting. I cried a lot. I went to class, but spent the whole 3 hours of class crying. Things were unstable for a while, but I was keeping afloat, I guess. I started feeling like shit, I wasn't happy daily anymore. Online learning felt so distant and so difficult and so different. I don't like change. At least not without expecting it beforehand. So yeah, that ended up taking a toll on my mental health. The downfall started. I was quite busy, but still tried to meet with friends via discord whenever we could. We had some online birthdays, and season 3 of osomatsu san had already been announced. I was looking forward to it so much. I was in pain, but that thought was keeping me going. I started getting worse, mentally. I started isolating myself ocasionally. I have quite long gaps from this period. I can't really recall much of what happened or what it was like. At some point around August-September I was watching 6teen, because my uni decided that starting a semester and compressing it into a trimester was a good idea, and finals were in september, i think. At the time of finals, i was watching 6teen. I didn't wanna finish it, so I started total drama after. I had a week of vacation in September as well, and I think I was OK for the week.

I won't lie. I don't remember october. I only know Osomatsu-san started here bc I waited for it all year long. I regained closer contact with a friend who lives in japan. Halloween also had an online meeting. I cosplayed, and felt good with myself for the night, for the first time in months. But I ended up having a breakdown later that night. A friend who didn't come and had said he'd come ended up arriving very late (2-3AM ish, meeting was at 10PM) He was very drunk. I don't mind. He says he just came to say sorry he didn't come bc he ended up meeting with irls. We tell him it's ok. He disconnects. He reconnects not long after, but we are confused, since that's not his voice. It was his friend who took his phone, a classic party prank. Doesn't matter, it was fun for a bit. This guy is also mad drunk, so talking to him is weird and funny. But shit gets bad for me in a bit. I was using a voice changer, as I usually do online, because Im ashamed of my high pitched voice. But this guy misgenders me, more than once, and also my friend who lives in japan. He doesn't seem to care, and I act like I don't, but it hurts so bad. My other friend who was there at that time corrects him, more than once. I felt thankful to her. I never thanked her afterwards because I didn't know how to bring out that topic without crying. This guy is very drunk though, and altough i doubt he had vile intentions because of the way he phrased it, he insists, that those are womans voices. They talk about it a bit, verbal comebacks. I wanted them to stop. At some point, my friend who lives in Japan leaves bc its lunch time for him. I felt like shit. I just told this other guy "I'm 10" and he dropped the subject, he believed me and the explanation. My friend laughed her ass out, because she thought I said it as a joke. Truth is, that was just a desperate answer to get him to drop the topic. I dont really care if he believed I was 10 or not though. I just wanted it to stop. He jokes with my friend for a bit more. I didn't talk much after, because I felt ashamed. I didn't want to talk ever again. Even now, even with the voice changer, I don't have the confidence I had when I started using it. I have lowered the pitch twice, just in case. My friend left the call a bit later. When she left, I left as well. I was thankful to her though. I don't remember if i cried or not, but it caused me a massive breakdown for about two weeks. I didn't talk online with anyone until my birthday, I think. I didn't tell anyone but my psychologist this.

I don't remember November much either. I know it's my birthday, and I know I came back to tumblr in november. Yall know when. Canon destiel and shit. Tumblr hadn't felt so alive in years. It felt like home. I remember I was having a bad breakdown during that time. I think it was career related. I can't really remember much. The shitshow happening on tumblr Destiel Election actually helped me get better. I remember this only because of a conversation I had with a friend. I started working on christmas decorations as well. December came along, I worked hard on christmas decorations. I played a bit as well, because on some of my classes I just didn't have anything to do lol. Decorations were finished two weeks in advance for christmas. For the first time ever! I was happy. During these times,Nov-Dec lockdowns started easing up a bit. I still can't go out at all though, because I live with my grandmother, so we're supposed to minimize risks. My parents only go out for shopping essentials that can't be bought online. So it's fair and I understand it, but it started becoming hard on mental health. Not because I can't go out, but because my friends start going out. They know I can't go, they don't exclude me, but they know I can't and I also know I can't. I guess in a form, its jealousy. It becomes hard because there's no one to blame. It's no one's fault. I'm not excluded on purpose, but the truth is, I don't want to hear them talk about what they do when they have fun. I've always been insecure. Even when all evidence points otherwise, I still believe, deep inside,they hate me. They wish I weren't in the group and would be better off without me. It gets hard sometimes.

Even though in general December was quite good, it also came with a major breakdown. One of my best friend's bday is in December. Up until then, Me, her, and another friend had been playing league of legends nearly daily. It was toxic sometimes (the game/community, not my friends) but we had fun. I just liked playing together. But that would come to an end as well. My friend celebrated her birthday, and did invite me, but obviously I couldn't go,and she knew this beforehand, so she didn't get mad or anything. She handled the situation very well, wrote on the gc once, and then did a special gc for birthday attendants to talk about details there and such, and reminded friends who asked in the gc to talk in the birthday gc. (this is how i knew, but i think it was well done tbh, i wish they'd just asked in the bday gc instead so i wouldn't have seen it and felt bad about how i couldn't go) My friend also offered to have me as an online guest, like, being in videocall in the computer on the table. like Karen from spongebob ig. the idea was cool, but honestly i felt bad. She celebrates her bday with her gf bc their dates are near, and I just didn't really want to inconvenience them? I mean, her gf is cool and she used to hang out with our group ocassionaly and she was cool and fit in, and it never felt awkward talking to her irl or anything but it's not like she's my friend and honestly I didn't wanna inconvenience her party, and even though I'm sure my friend wouldn't have minded, I didn't want to be an extra inconvenience for her too. I just wanted her to have fun, honestly. But feeling like a burden ended up weighing on my mind. This caused a bad bad breakdown, beforehand I had started to become better,little by little, but these two weeks waiting for that event to happen felt like a nightmare to me. I didn't tell anyone. I think i wrote it about here once. Around this time, an account on instagram called "matsunoadvice" got reccomended to me, and Oh boy Have I gone to them for advice. Of course, I sent them a message at the time, desperate for someone to talk to, because I couldn't tell anyone about this, because all my other friends know each other kinda and i didn't wanna inconvenience everyone. I didn't want anyone to know i felt like shit. I felt thankful to my friend, because she did try her best to include me, I just didn't really wanna inconvenience anyone. I guess I'd rather suffer alone myself than being a pain in the ass for someone else. After all, I've accepted that I'm alone long ago, and since now there's nothing I can do to maintain my social relationships now,I may as well just accept that theyre ending now. I kind of isolated myself for those two weeks, sometimes i would still connect on discord, but it always felt kind of distant. I stopped playing league of legends around this time.

I still hadn't confirmed to my friend if i was virtually going or not. Truth is, i kind of knew I probably wouldn't want to go in the end, bc im Like That™ But i told her in advance that i'd let her know the date of the event early in the day because of how unstable I am and I wouldn't actually be sure until the day (which was true when I told her) So the day of the event i told her that I was thankful but I wouldn't be assisting virtually and told her to have a great day! She replied okay in a nice way as she always did. I don't think she seemed weirded out by my answer. I hope she didn't feel bad, because she's very empathetic so I hope she didn't think about me at all that day. I hope she never reads this, and even if she does, she didn't really do anything wrong and handed the situation the best she could, the pain was unevitable for me due to the situation. beforehand i had also had a similar breakdown though, because 3 friends who i was/am? still very close to started meeting each other to skate together. I don't know how to skate/have never skated and obviously can't go either way, and sometimes they'd talk about it in the vc. I remained calm always until the call ended,but I did cry about it late at night. It's selfish, of course, but when no one saw anyone, it was easier. we were all the same. But now it felt like they were all moving on without me. In a way, it's what I always wanted, but I always wished to die first. I know it's not sane, but i'd imagined situations like that in my head, where I die and then everyone moved on and it made me feel calmer. But seeing that unfold before my eyes, when i'm still breathing here, i'm still here. It felt lonely. I'm glad they're having fun. I'm just upset I can't do it as well? And it makes me feel like inevitably my relationships with them will break and fall apart and dissapear and they're all still gonna be a interwined network, even though I did everything I could to maintain it because it's all I've ever had outside of my direct family? I didn't make any friends at uni or have a different group of friends so it just...hurt? It still hurts, i'm just more used to it. Also after the bday i did try to connect in vc but it just made me worse, like a friend said like "noo it got too wild honestly u didnt miss anything" and i was like lmao ok but i felt like kinda sad anyways but if i was there i wouldve probably slept through it anyways

...after i felt awful bc i have another friend who is just kinda blunt and kinda dumb when it comes to how others feel, and he was like ohh yeah but after the bday [friend] took us and some of [friends gf's friends] to our houses and since it was early we went to a mcdonalds and it was so fun !! and it was just so uncomfortable bc obviously im glad you have fun but like i dont wanna know??? bc it hurts a fuckin lot???? and my other friend who was also in vc (he was the one w the car) he was like "haha yeaaa it was fun" but he seemed quite uncomfortable talking abt it he could probably tell i didnt wanna hear and ik my other friend only did it bc he's naive not bc he had bad intentions but yeah it sucked i was like haha thats great heh.....like what ya want me to say babe

Christmas arrived and it ended up helping me a lot. Christmas is my favorite holiday and I decorated a month in advance, baked cookies for the first time (with my mom) and we just did a lot of things this year. It made me happy and kept me occupied through the pain (I know i described a lot of pain here but I only paid attention to it at night, which is why it still hurts now probably bc i've had it all repressed) And of course the gifts, honestly I didn't know what to expect because this year I didn't really know what to ask for and just asked for a surprise (because i love receiving things! anything) And my dad definetely outdid himself with all the gifts, I loved them and they're all useful too! I was amazed and i told my friends abt it and it ended up in me talking more in the vc again, and i also started playing genshin impact in late december as well. We also held a secrer santa in the group but not everyone participated (mostly bc of money) but the 4 of us that did was fun! i knew everyone's secret santa bc 2/4 asked to me for help and they were mutual </3 so i knew me and my other friend were mutual too lol but it was cool. I kinda was a bitch a bit though bc he delievered my gift to my home and was going to come a random day and I just wasn't prepared bc I was afraid of seeing him honestly I didn't want to see him and I hoped he wouldn't come? He didn't come that day but he did come some days after, I truly wasn't ready at that point anyway and my mom said we could let him inside if he sanitized, but he came with his mother and didn't get out of the car, we just exchanged the gifts, and honestly I was glad, i was polite and just said hi to both and thanks and all! Obviously i love him a lot bc we're close but idk why i didnt want him to come into my house i just feel like im so boring now and I dont know what we couldve talked abt and honestly ive always been shy but now i just forgot how to socialize and i was terrified so when he didnt get out i was just glad.....well, also

I feel like all of these incidents separated me and my friend who had her birthday on december. Now she wouldn't join the vc or gc often (or say she couldn't, which she usually did before) so I just assumed she hated me, but i didn't really have the guts to ask? She still liked my memes on the gc sometimes but not as she used to, she always used to like every single meme (or nearly all) and she never talked over me (I always get talked over except when I'm drunk bc i become a bit less shy therefore more violent) and would even call others out for me when talked over and always respected everything i told her abt me (Through the years, i've told her some of my deepest shits bc i just trust her like that i dont mind if she knows) but it just felt distant? Also a bit before that, at the start of december we started streaming on twitch, and that week i was very bad I told her i wouldn't play much bc i wasnt doing well but I was up for streaming bc i rly wanted to be professional abt it even if we dont pursue it as a career, but in the end we didnt stream, and fell out of streaming a bit after that. I was kind of afraid to ask her if she wanted to stream again, but we'd talked once and she said she'd finally gotten the cat earphones for the streams (she mentioned she wanted them beforehand) yeah anyways i dont think she actually hates hates me but idk the idea still lingers in my mind

uh yeah also i felt like shit for a bit bc i thought she definetely hated me bc we hadnt talked in a bit and she didnt like my memes anymore so i just assumed the worst, i even listened to break up music (which is what i do when a friendship ends bc altough ive never rly had strong romantic feelings for anyone that kind of song helps me move on after friend breakups too bc no one warns you abt how painful these are) and i cried obviously, but again i never mentioned it to anyone (i made a few vague textposts here though) and just got my shit together even if it hurt? lol, well a bit of time passes and everything seems to go back to normal, i dont remember how she told us but she said she had a job now which is why she didnt connect much and slept earlier and i felt relief lol bc i legit thought she hated me and i felt like shit abt it lol i mean the idea they kinda hate me lingers in my mind all the time but at that point in life i was like. SURE she hated me until that point. now we ocasionally play genshin together but i cant really talk at that time and that also makes me upset bc i do wake up late and im trying to fix my schedule a bit by waking up at 2pm instead of 5 pm but it doesnt even matter bc i play board games with my grandma daily (bc its good for her and its fun i do enjoy it) i just wish we could do it earlier bc lately she gets up at like 9pm and i end up finishing playing at 11/12/1 and its just kinda late to meet w my friends bc i always have smth to do/finish after and i just cant make it in time even if i wake up earlier? lol but i cant change her schedule so theres nothing i can do but cry about it

oh also ik matsunoadvice gave me advice on this but like there's this friend who i love obviously but sometimes he just talks abt his meetings w other friends and like it only makes me angry as fuck and i cant ask him to not bc im too shy but i wish he could stop. and also when he complains abt skate related stuff it makes me unexplainably angry but like i have no reason or right to im just angry bc i cant do that and probably never will bc i doubt ill ever be able to go out again ?? lol. and he even offered like "when we go out again u should come and ill lend u my skate and if u like it u can get one" and honestly its all super nice and i appreciate it and ive thanked him and told him yes but it just makes me feel angry inside bc i dont see an ending with all the mutations and shit and my voice cracks when i tell him haha yeah if we ever meet again bc honestly my youth is already over and i just spent it like a social recluse and i read a post here when i was younger that said like lgbt people spend their teens closeted and ashamed and live their teens in their twenties but now im gonna miss my twenties to the pandemic and then ill be too fucking old and itll be too fucking late and ill have to die and i just never lived bc i still havent even transitioned yet and i doubt ill ever be able to (this also causes me a lot of pain but i will ignore it) and the other day he said like i hope i can see u this year bc i miss u and i just said that honestly ive lost all hope of ever seeing anyone again and my voice cracked and my other friend said something related but not so related and im just glad he talked in bc i didnt rly care i just wanted to change the topic bc i know ill never see them again and eventually probably lose contact and see them all have fun together without me just as if i was dead but just didnt pass away and its difficult but i have to accept it and it hurts a lot now but in 7 years itll be fine, just like i accepted im unlovable and will never have a s/o and when i was 12 that hurt a lot but now it doesnt so someday i will be alone but i hope it doesnt hurt anymore.

this is all a mess and the format is everywhere and theres no timeline i hope no one reads it. if u do read it im sorry. i just honestly been carrying all of this for a while now and i want it out of my system honestly bc i dont know what to do with it and i was on the verge of a breakdown for a minimal thing hours ago i just want all this info out of my brain.....also obv these are only the bad things that have happened/good things that took me out of the hole but a lot of good things happened too lol and i skipped a lot of imp points like i changed careers and shit and also i met a lot of cool mutuals since i got back to tumblr and ososan been carrying my mental health every monday but yeah i just wanted the negatives out of the system. the frustrations and the anger. i hope no one reads this fr its so messy

[christophersymes]

Celebrity Status

Celebrity Status, an ongoing L(G)B(T)+ story also on Wattpad and Quotev.

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Chapter Four

A month later, Jules had been down for a while. His depression was in full swing, with a baseball bat full of nails, directly in his face. He'd hardly even made it to class that day, let alone online, and hadn't even gone to work yet and felt like crying. It was taking a lot to do anything, and he felt awful because he wanted to talk to Not-Elías so bad, but couldn't think of words to say aside from

good afternoon

. And he'd hardly spoken yesterday or the day before either. He hated it.

Mason had been hearing less and less from Jules the past few days, even though he'd been sending an embarrassing amount of messages. Jules did message back most times, but when she did she was curt and sounded... off.

masonfucker1000: jules

masonfucker1000: hope ur days going okay

masonfucker1000: hey what if humans were like bees and we had smth like a fucking stinger and if we killed someone w it we died and it was the only legal way to murder

masonfucker1000: i was hanging out w some friends and we ended up playing nerf guns and i somehow got a foam bullet down my pants

familyjules: ah, the only other thing you've ever gotten down ur pants.

masonfucker1000: hey are you okay? im kinda getting worried

masonfucker1000: if someone else threw a salad at you ill kick em

familyjules: afternoon, not-elías.

masonfucker1000: afternoon!! FINALLY!! juliet hath emerged! hey what's been going on???

♦️

Juliet.

He called him Juliet.

Jules froze, staring at the message, feeling tears pricking at his eyes. He hadn't told him, no, but still... He was Jules. Jullian. Anything except Juliet.

He stared at it, then grumbled to himself. "Juliet. Not. Fucking. Juliet." He got out of the truck and slammed the door, angry now that he even had to go to work. He stood by his truck, still staring at the message, then accidentally threw his phone on the concrete in the parking lot and stomped on it.

Then he realized what he'd done. Fuck. "Fuck, fuck, fuck. God damn it! Whatever." He picked up the pieces and pocketed the SIM card, telling himself he'd just buy a new one tonight after work and ship it to his house. He was enough of a dumbass already.

He tossed them in the dumpster as he went inside.

Mason frowned when there was no reply. An hour passed, even. Nothing.

A day.

masonfucker1000: jules? are you okay?

Jules was still upset, and still had no fucking phone.

Two days.

masonfucker1000: jules, please if i did something just talk to me

And a day after that, he was still upset, but at least he had a phone.

Three. Jules had never gone three days without at least a half-assed two word message.

Whenever he was home, he just stared at the message, fuming. Not-Elías had called him Juliet. He had to know him somehow, then, and by his deadname.

On the third day, the anger got bad enough he ended up messaging.

familyjules: how the fuck do you know my name and why are you doing this

Mason had been having lunch with the band when he got the message. He dropped his slice of pizza, mouth still open in shock. His eyes widened, and he excused himself, muttering under his breath that he'd be right back.

masonfucker1000: shit dude, what? juliet?

masonfucker1000: I just sort of guessed that's what it was short for

masonfucker1000: what do you mean???

Jules scoffed, opening Rabbit as fast as he could and sending Not-Elías a link.

As soon as he entered the room, Jules glared at the camera.

"My goddamn name is not Juliet, so stop calling me that. I don't know who the fuck you are, but you must know me and want to get to me now for some reason, so just... fucking stop being a dick—"

Mason gaped at Jules as she immediately started yelling and threatening at him. Jesus fuck.

"—and tell me the truth before I have to figure it out myself and beat your fucking ass. I'm not in the goddamn mood to be led on some goose chase and deal with bigots like you or deal with people who hold some stupid grudge against me. Leave me alone if that's the fucking case, or I will figure shit out and do something."

Not-Elias: jules geez

Not-Elias: holy shit

Not-Elias: i dont understand why youre so angry but im sorry if i pissed you off okay?

Not-Elias: i wont call u that anymore

Not-Elias: message me when you've calmed down

Not-Elias left the room.

Jules was still angry when he left the room. He ended up closing it too, only to reopen it later that night, as well as the fansite. He private messaged Not-Elías a link, promising in some garbled text not to yell again.

familyjules: rabb.it/familyjules pls cone ib i promize not to yellll i midd u

familyjules: misa u

Mason had been thinking about.... whatever that had been with Jules. She'd called him a bigot and talked about grudges. And Juliet was a definite no. He had a theory he was a bit too freaked to think much on. He frowned when he got a just barely comprehensible message. God, was Jules crying or something? He immediately clicked the link.

Jules was leaning back in the chair, pouring himself a shot from the bottle of vodka, singing a Nosam song along with the YouTube video. "Not-Elías!" he exclaimed, speech a little slurred, grinning. He leaned forward too fast and spilled half the shot on his shirt. "Whoops."

He downed the rest to prevent more spillage and then took a sip of Coke. "Hi, I wanted to say I'm sorry for earlier and yelling at you because it's obvious you're not anyone from high school because you're good unlike them. They couldn't even fake it. And I wanted to explain— I'm trans and I was bullied, and I miss you a lot but I've been sad a lot lately and it's cold and cold is triggering and I'm gonna drink more now." He poured himself another shot.

Mason's eyes widened in surprise at the state Jules was in. And then he was concerned. Very concerned.

Not-Elias: is that vodka?

Not-Elias: careful!

And then he froze as Jules spoke. Trans.

Fuck. So, okay. Mason didn't know himself that well after all. That's fine. It was okay. He tried to convince himself of that even if he felt a little nauseous and increasingly out of control.

He'd been such a dick when he was younger. Defensive, reckless, disrespectful, not caring about anyone else and keeping emotions bottled in. He had pretended to be confident, created a version of himself for everyone else and believed it. And once he'd been called out by so many, by Chris, he'd realized what he'd turned into: this sexist, queer-phobic prick, like a jock straight out of a movie.

He worked so hard to figure out why and relearn how he thought about things, about people, thinking about things he said to make sure he wasn't hurting anybody. He spent so much time learning himself inside and out. Actually starting to like himself for once, no more surprises. And even if his chest was aching and he couldn't breathe from hearing Jules say that, he knew he liked Jules a lot. He knew he had to deal with it.

He wasn't straight.

But he didn't know what to think— his own secrecy had been different— but— of course they weren't dating, and online— and Mason couldn't possibly pretend he knew what being trans was like. Whatever reason Jules had had for not telling him was probably a good one, even though it hurt. Mason realized he hadn't responded, and frankly didn't know how.

Not-Elias: okay

Not-Elias: youve def been drinking too much

Not-Elias: jules

Not-Elias: why didnt you tell me?

Mason paused, biting his lip. He didn't want to sound mad, but he was kind of upset. And he deserved to know why, didn't he?

Jules knocked back the shot, then leaned forward to read his messages. "I said I was bullied... They did some online too and I'm super scared about the fansite being a lot of people who could gang up on me sometimes—" Jules's lip trembled a little and he shook his head and touok a deep breath. No crying in front of Not-Elías.

"I was scared when I started thinking more and liking you, 'cause you were new and different and I was having fun talking to you, but you said you were cis and straight and it was actually real hard to even tell you I'm bi. And it's okay if you don't like me now cause you're straight and I'm a dude, I understand that."

Mason frowned at how Jules looked close to tears, instantly angry at everyone who'd hurt her— who'd hurt him.

His stomach turned as he thought about all the times he misgendered him. Oh God, he suddenly felt really sick. All of those shes and hers crawling up his throat.

Not-Elias: oh jules

Not-Elias: no i

Not-Elias: i like you

He bit his lip. Get over it, Mason.

Not-Elias: i guess i'm just gay. go figure

Jules wiped at his face with his shirt, then remembered there was vodka all over it and pouted a little, staring down at it.

Whoa, there was a flash. Mason's breath caught. He definitely saw a nipple and— fuck. But, oh God, was Jules drunk.

Not-Elias: listen do me a favor, baby, no more shots, yeah?

Not-Elias: put the vodka away

Yes, it felt a little weird calling Jules baby for a moment, knowing he was a guy, but it still felt right. Mason was fucking gay.

Oh, poor Andrew. All alone.

Jules read the messages and wanted to cry even more. He felt so silly for hiding it for so long, especially if it was going like this. "Are you sure?" he asked, staring at the messages.

And then the few about the vodka came through and he pouted, though he was blushing a bit at being called baby again. "But I don't wanna. Tomorrow's my day off and drinking is fun!" He grabbed the bottle, cradling it against his chest. "'S like my baby."

Not-Elias: im sure

Not-Elias: a hundred percent

Not-Elias: even if youre a complete mess

Not-Elias: and you've drunk

Not-Elias: youre drunk

Not-Elias: too much more and youll be poisoned

Not-Elias: ill be your baby instead

Jules grinned, leaning forward. His leg was bouncing now. He set down the bottle. "All right," he said. "But you're my baby now. You gotta come hug me."

Not-Elias: nice okay thank you

Not-Elias: u should drink water if you can

Not-Elias: oh i want to. i will

Mason hated this, not being able to talk to Jules. Especially when he was in this state. He needed comfort, and Mason wanted to give it and— damn it, he wished he could just turn on his camera. Maybe he should. He seriously considered it and— no, not right now, when he was drunk.

Jules tuned into the music again and gasped, grinning. He sang along a little, nodding and getting up to get water like he was told, completely forgetting he was in just a tank top and underwear— not even boxers, just underwear. He came back still singing, then lifted the water so Not-Elías could see it. "Water."

Mason whined a bit as Jules stood up, looking away a second later, staring at the tour bus ceiling. Why did the world want to be so generous yet so cruel?

Not-Elias: and you said you're not a singer

Not-Elias: good! drink up!

Jules grinned, taking a drink and leaning back a little in his chair. "Oh—uh— is there anything you want to listen to? Or watch?"

Not-Elias: uhhhhhh

Not-Elias: spongebob?

Jules nodded, opening up Amazon Prime and attempting to search for it. He misspelled it a few times, but got it in the end. "Oh, this is the best episode," Jules said, grinning and hovering over the Bubble Bowl episode.

They watched one and a half episodes, during which Jules had moved from the chair to his bed, putting the laptop on the chair. Mason honestly wasn't paying all that much attention to Spongebob. Jules was so cute, his drunk commentary endearing.

At some point Mason realized Jules had fallen asleep. He smiled, eyes going soft.

He barely thought about it when he turned on the mic.

"Goodnight, Jules."

Jules, fast asleep, groaned a little. "G'night," he mumbled. "Lub you."

Mason's heart jumped to his throat.

"Jules? Are you awake?"

He blushed hard, cheeks hot. He probably wouldn't mention that part to Jules in the morning.

"Nuh uh," Jules hummed, pulling the blanket over himself better. "'m sleep."

Mason laughed lightly. "Really? Sleeptalker, huh? I'll let you sleep. Talk to you in the morning."

Mason had turned off his mic and hadn't even noticed he had fallen asleep.

"Mason? Why're you still on your computer? S' the middle of the night."

Mason jerked awake, blinking as he looked at Jules on-screen and then at Chris on the top bunk across, leaning over the bed and frowning at him sleepily.

Mason sighed, rubbing some sleep out of his eyes. "I think I'm gonna tell Jules," he said.

"What?" Austin grumbled from below Chris, turning and blinking wildly at Mason. His wavy hair was sticking up in all directions, like static or that kid from Meet The Robinsons.

"He said he's gonna tell Jules," Andrew growled from above Mason, grumpy from being woken up, but listening, blankets tugged tight over his otherwise naked body.

Chris supported his chin on his hand as he tried to get a better look at Mason's face. He was serious. "What changed finally?"

Mason sighed, panic returning as his brain turned the lights back on and told him he was supposed to be freaking out. "It keeps getting harder. And we didn't talk for a bit and— last night— tonight he— he's trans. And he was drunk— "

"Wait— "

"Did you say— "

Mason groaned, dropping his face into his pillow. "Don't--"

Andrew wheezed from above him. "Fuck."

"You're— "

"I get to say it! You dumbasses got to come out," Mason whined as he sat up. "I'm not straight. Probably, uh, pan."

Austin started laughing sleepily as he leaned up on his elbow to properly make fun of Mason.

"I saw it coming," Andrew mumbled. "But fuck you."

Chris bit his lip worriedly. "Okay, but remember when that one fan gave out your number and address even though the address was fake, but you had to change your number and— "

Mason sighed loudly. "Yes, I remember."

And he did remember. He'd thought about it quite a bit, all the worst case scenarios. Jules being pissed off at being royally catfished and outting him to the world in the worst way possible, or Jules being way too happy and outting him and not really caring about him, or Jules just completely cutting him off in shock and outrage. Mason shook the thoughts away. "Jules isn't like that. I just— I want her— him to know, I'm sick of lying."

Austin shrugged. "Okay. Your choice, man. Go for it."

Andrew hummed in agreement, giving the idea a thumbs up that Mason didn't even see, already falling asleep again. Chris sighed and smiled, "I'm sure you're right. You're a good judge of character."

Mason smiled, "Thanks."

In the morning, Jules woke up to find he'd fallen asleep on Rabbit with Not-Elias. He smiled, nuzzling his face against the pillow. He was so cute. So good. He remembered getting drunk and telling him everything, and he'd taken it in stride, just accepting...

He sighed, staring at the icon of Mason on the screen. He wished he knew him. This was just making him want to date him more, though he knew his own rules and didn't want to break them. It felt kinda shitty to feel like that, though, especially since Jules wanted to just... live, really, but it felt like there was always something holding him back. He wiped at his eyes, realizing he was crying a little. God, he was so pathetic.

Mason woke up again to see that Jules was awake. He smiled, then noticed he seemed kinda sad. Mason got up, washing his face and brushing his teeth, looking at himself in the mirror for a moment. Well, he looked as good as he usually did, he guessed. He guessed? Fuck. He was nervous. He groaned and put on a hoodie, yawning as he walked past the bunks and sat down, putting his earphones in.

Not-Elias: good morning! how're you feeling?

Jules jumped a little at the message tone, wiping his eyes again to make sure any trace of tears was gone. He disguised it as sleepy rubbing his eyes and smiled. "Morning, Not-Elias. I feel..." Jules considered telling the truth, laying on his back and staring at the ceiling. He settled on one thing. "Hungover. Kinda tired. My head hurts a little. How are you feeling?"

Not-Elias: a little flipped upside down, honestly

Not-Elias: but uh, overall, pretty good

Not-Elias: okay, actually im a little nervous

Not-Elias: hey

Not-Elias: do u know what would be cool

Not-Elias: u should play me some bass

Jules smiled. "I'm glad you're feeling okay, though. I mean— What happened is... a lot, probably. If you need to talk, I'm here. And you really want to hear me play right now? I— uh— okay." He leaned over, picking up his bass from the stand by his bed.

"I wonder if I can play it laying down." He plucked a few strings, then shifted his hands to play it. He laughed a little. "I guess I can... God, you have no idea how many times I've dropped this thing. I'm shocked it still plays." He lifted it up, grinning.

Mason smiled, watching him fondly as he grabbed the bass and played around with it, rambling and laughing. What was he even going to say? 'Hi, I'm not Elias, I'm Not-Elias, with a dash' or 'I'm Not-Elias, AKA Mason Hill AKA masonfucker1000 AKA an asshole?' or even 'Hey, it's Mason, please don't be mad at me or post about this?'.

God, everything he could think of was woefully lame. It was like his nerves had turned him into Chris.

"There's actually a really bad scratch somewhere on here, I think it's on the back... I dropped it when I first got it because my parents told me some shit, I don't even remember what, but it scared me. Oh— oh, I think it was when my grandpa died. They told me and I just... dropped it. It's funny now, because like... y'know, that was my grandpa, but— "

Mason couldn't take it any longer. He moved the mouse, cursor hovering over the camera icon. It seemed easier to do it when Jules was occupied, it made Mason less nervous than when he was looking at the screen. He turned his mic on first, then his camera, smiling. "Uh, hey," he said softly to get his attention. Hey wasn't exactly what he had wanted to say first, but fuck it. His heart was thumping in his ears.

[hotcocosharing]

Glory Days Part 22 (IM RP AU- Shun & Midi)

Part 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8 / 9 / 10 / 11 / 12 / 13 / 14 / 15 / 16 / 17 / 18 / 19 / 20 / 21

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Midori’s POV Pinching the bridge of my nose; a part of me wants to run and hide from the world yet I’m well aware that this won’t change or help anything progress. Everything that Shun has just mentioned as torn me down to a new low that I wasn’t expecting to hit yet I’m still finding it hard to clearly gauge exactly what I did wrong. Yes - I lost my temper. Yes - I said a few things I shouldn’t have; but I’m curious and unsure as to why the tiny little outburst I had days ago has caused this kind of reaction. ”..and I certainly am not interested in someone who just runs off when things don’t go well no matter how crazy I am about her.“ The words sink and I feel like I should be starting to sweat. ”..you - you’re… crazy about me?“ I bite my bottom lip just wanting for some kind of answer and then begin to panic as per the norm when it seems like I may just not get any. Dropping my head, I sweep my hair over one shoulder to buy a little more time and think about my words careful before opening my mouth again. “I’m sorry – honestly. I mistook your worrying for being angry and snapped not really knowing what else to do. It’s just, the concept of guys and feelings is still kind of new to me, and like I said the other day, you’re a nice guy and I like you and I don’t want to fuck things up between us but it seems that I just have a knack and superpower for ruining things anyway.” I’m not exactly sure what else to say. Ugh, I’m wishing I had of roleplayed this scenario out with Eri incase it ever did arise so that I could be on my a-game. Why isn’t he saying anything? Am I wasting his time? Why did I walk into the library? Ughhh. Yukihisa’s POV With my face feeling a lot better than it intially had 15 minutes ago; I rest back against the couch and watch in silence as Toshiaki say’s nothing, gives us both a look which could silently kill and announces that he’s heading out, unsure of when he’ll be back though we shouldn’t wait up for him. Up for him? It’s morning - how bloody long does he plan on going walkabout? All this thinking is making my head throb worse than the sucker punch I earlier received. The front door slams shut behind someone I’m not exactly on speaking terms with right now, vibrating everything we’ve got hanging on the walls and the look painted on Eri’s face morphs from curiosity to confusion. “He’s just having a bad day”, I explain with a heavy breath, “…my appearance earlier probably didn’t help.” Before Eri says anything; which I jump to the conclusion of being ‘shouldn’t we go after him’, I knock down the suggestion with “He’ll be fine.” “About earlier..”, I mumble not exactly confident in the idea of bringing up the past with what’s gone down, “…I’m a dick and I know it. I just don’t like the idea of there being a woman around who can undermine me and play me like a fiddle, but well done Eriko. I hope you’re the first, last and only.” Ah - she’s here for a phone, not for a deep and meaningful conversation the thought hits me. Pushing myself onto my feet painful, I walk over and dig around a draw in the kitchen were we keep random finds from mostly parties that we find. A phone – I swear I saw one in here a day or two ago.

Shunichiro'a POV

”..you - you’re… crazy about me?“

Any negativity left in me was gone in an instant. I fall silence and watch the nerve wracking Midori panics in confusion and distress before chuckling out her long waited response.

“Yes, Midori I am crazy about you so would you like to go on an official first date with me? No one else, just the two of us?”

Putting out the cigarette in hand, I put a hand on her shoulder and pull her in for a light kiss on her forehead. “And I’m sorry for losing my temper.” Feeling her trembling body against my chest, I hug her tighter and hear her rapid heartbeat. The corner of my mouth turn up, parting to say. “You didn’t screw up though I’m curious just how many boyfriend did you have?”

Eriko’s POV

“…I’m a dick and I know it. I just don’t like the idea of having a woman around who can undermine me and play me like a fiddle, but well done Eriko. I hope you’re the first, last and only.”

I stare at Maki, with wide eyes and open mouth, still processing his words. The same man that wore a baseball jacket and gave me my first oral a week ago who I was determine to fuck if not with the whole CPR fiesta has just half ass confessed to me.

A muffled giggles leaves from my mouth, I don’t want to be mean but it really is absurd. How could a smart one like him be this dumb and not realize his real problem? Shaking my heads as I take the spare phone from him, I sigh and make a promise to the future doctor.

“You’d say anything to have sex, wouldn’t you?” Not waiting for an reaction, I continue, not exactly caring if he actually believes what he said was true. “You couldn’t get laid lately, could you? Is that why I occupied your dirty little mind? Sure, we’d do it. It’s just sex anyway. If I could help in anyway, okay, let’s do it.”

His mood seems to have lighten immediately and I couldn’t help but laugh at his true form. “I don’t mean now! I need a new phone and sort myself out, k? Rain check.”

After inserting my sim card to an older iPhone, I cut the unusual hang out short and avoid tempting Maki from jumping at me. Passing by a breathless Toshiaki at the dorm entrance, “Wow, why are you running?”

The quiet not so pissed off man slows down and tries catching his breath, “I shouldn’t have left you alone with him, who knows what he’d do…. He didn’t do anything, did he?”

I’d feel a smile breaking across my face and I have to bite my lips in attempt to hide my delight and possibly pink cheeks. “Oh I’ve moved out last minute and found a place on the other side of town, you free? Want to see my new place or grab a cup of coffee or something?”

Little proud of my direct and less flirty invitation- wait, it wasn’t flirty right even though I asked him to come to my place? He wouldn’t take it as a hint for sex or making out, would he? No, this is Toshiaki not Shinichi. Oh crap, would we run into each other if I have Toshi in their campus?

“I’d love to.”

If a simple I’d love to isn’t enough, his dreamy smile sure melts me- this dork has no idea he has me wrapped around his fingers. One look, one smile oh and that one kiss- I want more. Getting to know him, about his past, his childhood, ex girlfriend, family, favorites and dislikes; exploring all sides of him and be familiar with each other.

Like the first time we met, I ask the question and he answers- nothing exciting but I laugh and smile, Toshiaki feels like home which makes me safe and comfortable.

“So you aren’t going to sleep with him, are you?”

I burst into laughter and crouch down for a few minutes before I could stand straight again, “That’s what you’ve been stressing over this whole walk? Man, Toshi, you’re adorable.” Playing with his bangs a little, I wrap an arm around his as the familiarity of his warmth and scent flutter my heart once again. “I said yes to him and I’m going to need your help to get it done.”

Swallowing nervously, I reassure him a further explanation another time but for now it’s time for a tour around my tiny little apartment. Midz probably going to be jealous over the fact that she’s actually the fourth person who set foot here. “Oh ummm, Toshiaki? I have a charity ball to attend, well my father put me up to it but would you be interested to ummm be my date? It’s going to be boring and extravaganza but …..”

Why am I nervous? Because I have never asked someone out? Because I’m afraid he would say no? Why would he? We shared a kiss! WAIT- but I shared dozens of kisses and other intimacy with others who meant nothing to me. He isn’t that kind of person though, what if he thinks I am (which is technically true, Shinichi and I nearly had sex in here. God, I feel so guilty!)

Anxiety is killing me and before I ramble out all my inner dark secrets and non sense, his voice of firm yes is the best sound I’ve ever heard.

[kaminosoath]

STATIK: =With Sirius GONE without so much as a warning notice (and along with her their mother and Ananya), Statik was a bit...agitated at about half her family. She understood the need, of course, but it didn't make it any less frustrating that they LEFT WITHOUT HER???=

STATIK: =Going on five minutes now, she had been pacing about the tech lab, feeling a little antsy and restless. She had to get out, and so she left, making a beeline straight for one block, even though she wasn't entirely aware she was headed there.=

STATIK: =When she crossed their door, she wet her lower lip, a little daunted. She'd been a bit...well...her usual ass of a self lately and didn't want to crowd them so soon after she'd made a scene... But in her opinion there had been sufficent time between then and now and she felt like she had given appropriate space? Even so, she missed them, and they were going to know it. There's a familiar knockin on Simula's door, always in some kind of musical rhythm to spice things up.=

SIMULA: -ah yes, the tell tale signs of statik's arrival. they'd been curled up on their bed for a while, drifting in and out of a nap. having company brought about some conflicting feelings, moreso than usual. caught between that need for attention and the ever growing fear that something is going to go awry. ultimately, they give in to the former desire, and opens the door from where they're lying. they only move to sit up, glancing over at her.-

SIMULA: Hell-o. Come in. Not that you need an invitation.

STATIK: hey hey simCard ⚡ =She notices that recently-awake expression and raises her brows, but accepts the invitation into their room= i didnt interrupt your beauty sleep did i? ⚡

SIMULA: -musses with their own hair, shrugging a shoulder. they might not be the most emotive person usually, but they definitely seem extra lethargic.- You could hard-ly consider it that, if II look as shit-ty as II feel.

STATIK: =she threw an arm over one of their shoulders and pulled them into a side hug= STATIK: this is only a small speed bump. youll be beautiful again, no worries ⚡ KD

STATIK: =that is she tried throwing and arm over their shoulders.=

STATIK: =She tried, she probably only could reach one of them properly, then ended up just crossing and arm over their back.=

STATIK: =even as she jokes, her expression does flicker into a worried one=

STATIK: you looK as exhausted a deer being traCKed by an enduranCe hunter ⚡

SIMULA: -rubs at their eyes now, accepting the little scraps of affection.- It's noth-ing. II just made the mis-take of leav-ing my room again to-day.

STATIK: K(

STATIK: do i need to KiCK someones ass? ⚡

STATIK: ...

STATIK: do i need to KiCK my own ass? ⚡

SIMULA: ... No.

SIMULA: Some-thing stu-pid hap-pened. -huffs a small sigh-

SIMULA: II was hang-ing out with Dell in the cafeteria. Emilet was there. Silliness en-sued, basically. But it escalated and Dell got irrationally frustrated and-- Chucked his tri-dent at Emilet.

SIMULA: II on-ly bare-ly stopped it.

SIMULA: May-be he deserves an ass kick-ing. But II will be frank, II'm get-ting a bit tired of acts of physical violence.

STATIK: K\ oh my god... ⚡

STATIK: it Keeps HAPPENING ⚡⚡

STATIK: youre the Captain's kid! file a Complaint! start a petition! ⚡

STATIK: ill even sign it for you! ⚡

SIMULA: -scoffs- What, like an an-ti-bullying pact?

SIMULA: There's noth-ing II can do to stop peo-ple from be-ing impulsive idiots.

STATIK: =scoffs right back= NOT WITH THAT ATTITUDE! ⚡⚡

STATIK: when there are meetings in alternia's judiCiary, the league has to leave their weapons at the door and wear suppression Collars that are aCtivated during any signs of aggression. it was to avoid wrongful death. that was a problem for a while until it was solved! ⚡ CK

SIMULA: -looks.... reasonably horrified by this.- Eugh.

SIMULA: As aw-ful as Alternian cus-toms are, II sup-pose you're mak-ing a good point.

SIMULA: ... -long suffering sigh- II could al-ways talk to my fath-er, at least.

STATIK: =She didn't see anyone piledrive someone to death herself, she just HEARD things. And had a near-death experience that sent her straight back to the UU but that was a different thing entirely=

STATIK: of Course i am! ⚡⚡ OK

STATIK: =She pulled them into a tight hug, and her voice dropped a little softer,= what happened, it really bothered you, didn't it? ⚡ :C

SIMULA: ... -leans into her hug, nodding a little, unable to vocalize it.-

STATIK: it suCKs a lot to have someone you Care about be in danger ⚡

SIMULA: -glances at her, supposing she must know, if the way she's continually reacted to the finncident was any indication.- ... Yes. It does. -nonchalantly nuzzles at her shoulder a little.-

STATIK: then say something, sim! ⚡

STATIK: and if people don't listen, Keep saying something until they do ⚡

SIMULA: -quiets until she feels a little bit of wetness on her shoulder.- It feels... point-less.

STATIK: =she broke from the hug, and dipped her head, trying to look up at them=

STATIK: why?? ⚡⚡

SIMULA: -averts their gaze , but they can't hide the tears swelling in their mismatched eyes.- II made my bed a long time a-go.

SIMULA: II could keep try-ing, but why would anyone lis-ten to me? II don't de-serve the time of day.

SIMULA: II push-ed everyone a-way. That's what II want-ed. And now II'm-- -they can't believe they're letting themself break down like this, but everything hurt so badly, worse then the headache and the sparks erupting from the emotion, they couldn't hold it in anymore.-

SIMULA: II feel so a-lone.

SIMULA: Some-times II feel like you're the on-ly one who actually gives a fuck when it comes down to it.

SIMULA: Everyone is so fuck-ing con-tent to turn the oth-er cheek to-wards actual physical harm again-st me.

SIMULA: But II earned that, didn't II. This is what II get for be-ing such an ass-hole all the time.

STATIK: =she started off squinting at them, but the more they cry, the more her own tears begin to well up.=

STATIK: dont say that its not too late! i Can say for an absolute faCt that satomi and siri Care... ⚡

STATIK: but siri liKes everybody, so she doesnt Count ⚡

STATIK: looK looK looK ⚡

STATIK: =She sniffed as she squinted and placed each hand on their shoulders.=

STATIK: you didnt earn shit, and everyone else who is being an asshole about this doesnt Know a single thing about you ⚡

STATIK: they dont Care beCause its EASIER turning the other CheeK ⚡

STATIK: its easier for them thinKing theyre so freaKing PERFECT and trying to single you out beCause youre more honest about it that you arent ⚡

STATIK: they Cant grasp the ConCept theyre not as high and mighty as they maKe themselves out to be ⚡

STATIK: =her words are getting a bit snappish and angrier=

STATIK: and you Know what? they're fuCKing hypoCritiC COWARDS beCause of it! ⚡⚡

STATIK: theyre small and insignifiCant and they Cant stand it so theyre trying to maKe YOU feel that way! their tiny minds have tiny Cruel little thoughts and they arent worth shit! ⚡

STATIK: =she put a hand up to their face= youre worth way more than all of them together ⚡

SIMULA: -there's more to be conflicted about after hearing this. whether they should listen and let themself be comforted. whether it's true, whether it even matters if it's true or not. statik cared. statik saw them as something great, and not just despite the ugliness, but because of it too. they effectively lost the battle trying to keep her at bay along with everyone else. and... they're fine with that.-

SIMULA: You know... -sniffs, tentatively reaching to touch her face too. almost hesitant.- You real-ly are such an an-gry lit-tle per-son.

SIMULA: II think you give me too much cred-it. But II won't ar-gue eith-er.

SIMULA: ... Thank you, Stat-ik. For... be-ing here.

STATIK: im angry beCause all this pisses me off!! ⚡ KO

STATIK: but i wont deny im little ⚡

STATIK: =she leans into their touch, and laughs a slightly soggy laugh= and if i give you too muCh Credit, it's Cause you give yourself none ⚡

STATIK: im always gonna be here, sim. ⚡

STATIK: ...im sorry i stayed away ⚡

SIMULA: That doesn't mat-ter now. -insists, fidgeting a little before leaning in to press a kiss to her forehead.-

STATIK: =her face is turning a marvelous shade of GREEN, but not because she's sick. Statik doesn't move, because she's not sure how to take all these butterflies slamming themselves into the walls of her abdomen. Does she DARE?? Gradually though, she moved the hand she had on their face and lightly kissed the area where her touch had been.=

SIMULA: -a noise rumbles out of them like a purr -- a good indication that this is a good direction to head in. their head dips as they lean in, cheeks brushing, till they're simplying draping themself over her in another hug.-

STATIK: =Relief washed over her and she patted their face before pulling them closer in her arms, crossing her limbs over their back.=

STATIK: i wont do that to you again, oKay? i'm here for you. i'll always be here for you. ⚡

STATIK: =squeezes=

SIMULA: Then... you should stay here. Un-til II let you leave. -mumbles into her shoulder. this is what happens, statik. you give them an inch and they take a mile.-

STATIK: =There is a smile to her voice and she leaned her cheek against theirs.=

STATIK: there was only ever one option, i thinK ⚡

SIMULA: -they purr softly again, leaning heavily against her until they're both flopping back onto the bed. it's snuggle time...-

STATIK: =With Simula in her arms and she in theirs, it finally felt right. She nuzzled against them, purring herself.=