#im just sad and angry and UGHHHHHH

[toribookworm22]

I love feeling like an idiot because I missed the payment deadline and now I'm on a wait list and have to wait until the morning to hear back.

By the way, I'm having a great night. How are you?

[arsen1cs4ng0]

ive had some shit on my mind recently that i wanna talk about i said this on my priv twt but this is more of a proper, less nonsensical rewrite of that

mostly rambling, but this is kinda a mini-apology

so um. i wanna apologize to anyone ive snapped at and i also wanna apologize for being so toxic and negative during my time in the fandom. between the time i joined (late '21) and the time when shit went down (most of '22 and '23), i was in a really dark place mentally mainly due to other personal factors. chipspeech became my safespace really quickly. many of my negative thoughts were chucked onto my old twitter. if you stuck around with me back then, youll know what i mean.

on top of personal stuff, the shit that went down from march '22 to august '23 also has a lot to answer for im not going into my whole story again (read this shit if you're THAT curious) but it fucked me up so badly that it made me so paranoid and irritable and so defensive of the fandom. it fucked up my trust in people, INCLUDING my trust in my friends as well :o[ the shit that happened made me form this whole savior mindset: i felt like i had to "save" the fandom from those people who fucked the fandom up + "fix" the damage they caused. it was just so fucking stressful and it was just complete mental torture for me. i constantly blamed myself for shit that happened. most of this rage was me being salty that i'd never live the "good days" of the fandom ever again (for me, that was late '20 and late '21 - early '22).

i was just so DEDICATED to "protecting" the fandom that it fucked up my mental health so badly, making me even more angry and shit i ranted about that group CONSTANTLY cuz i was scared history would repeat itself. the main thing i’d think was "if i left and moved on, who’d be there to keep her out??". i was just. so fucking scared!!!!!!!

the reason why im making this apology is cuz the other night, i just. completely lost it. i snapped at a friend over this shit and ive just been feeling really really awful about it ever since most of my rage was redirected to a rant post i made but point is i snapped at someone

i wanna enjoy the fandom again like i was able to before but shit's been hard. finding out i was abused by her through a sockpuppet didnt help either. i dont really know where to go from here but i really do wanna become a better person- someone who isnt constantly negative and snappy and sad all the time. someone who's able to enjoy their special interest and make the most of it. that will probably age really poorly and im really sorry if it does

this is probably the shittiest and emptiest apology ever and im mostly waffling on here but i really needed to get that out of my system ughhhhhh i was really really really hesitant to post this but here we are

[daylighteclipsed]

Steven Universe: Future really destroyed all the characters and relationships I grew to love and ruined the fun and magic of the original series and for that I cannot forgive it

[sleepy-kiddo]

Ughhhhhh

Wrapping paper without the square grid for measurement reference is terrible I hate it.

I'm getting so upset because I can't eyeball this stuff and measurements are just empty numbers so I keep messing up my wrapping and I'm getting so angry and sad because I always have the ugliest wrapping out of everyone here.

Bubby tried showing me how he does it and I can't even do that because of this stupid reversible paper.

I'm angry and I feel dumb.

Update:

I USED THE WRONG SIDE OF ONE AND NOW ONE SINGLE PRESENT IS WRAPPED DIFFERENTLY AND IM SO IRRITATED

Update #2:

I'm done for now. My tape ended up getting stuck to a spot on the last package and ripped some of the design off. So I flew off the handle screaming about how much I hate wrapping paper and promptly bit myself.

This is the last year I use wrapping paper. I'm gonna buy a bunch of Furoshiki cloth and will use those instead. I've had it with paper. Especially the mess at the end of it all??? Like 2 trash bags worth of now useless, crumpled and ripped up paper....what a waste.

[harryfeatgaga]

wow imagine having harry for a best friend there to always make you feel good😔 he holds you and kisses the top of your head when you’re having a bad day, makes you laugh so hard that your stomach hurts when you guys are having a night in, listens to you babble about the things going on in your head, helps calm you down when you’re angry and reminding you that it’s gonna be okay, cuddling you to sleep after a long day at work😔 he’s realizing through it all that he’s in love with you😔

SHUT UUUUUPPPPPPPPPPP 😔😔😔😔😔 IM SO FUCKING SAD I WANT THIS!!!!!!! I DESERVE THIS!!!!!!!!! I JUST WANNA BE HIS FRIEND IK HE IS THE BEST AND SWEETEST FRIEND EVER UGHHHHHH 😔😔😔😔😔

[sw4tch]

late night working on comms and while listening to a mk playlist i couldn't help but go

"But what if when they bring moon knight to the main marvel movies they totally use his DID as a punchline / get the dynamics of the system wrong / literally boil down Marc to Angry Man That Only Broods" and I'm ready to scream into my hands

JUST. GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD. Local snail makes themselves angry by imagining a scene where they use Steven as a punchline bcus he's the 'pathetic' one of the 3 alters for not being A Manly Masculine Action Man

Like, it would have the same energy as when they made the fuckin Fat Depressed Thor jokes :((((( HE WAS MOURNING OK

AND LIKE, OK I KNOW IT IS STILL IN MY HEAD BUT, IF THEY MADE MARC AGREE / NOT DEFEND STEVEN????? I WOULD

I would COMBUST IN FLAMES, FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

smth smth THEY ARE IMPORTANT TO EACH OTHER, MARC LITERALLY IS SO PROTECTIVE OF STEVEN, AND STEVEN IS THE ALTER THAT GAVE HIM COMFORT IN HIS SADDEST MOMENTS- and then they'll just throw that characterization away for a cheap Joke in marvel's 1636984 blockbuster AND IM GONNA CRY ABOUT IT GOD

(Local snail cries over made up scenarios in their head, more news at 10)

I don't have any thoughts about what they might do to Jake bcus we literally have nothing of his characterization in the series but if they reduce him to Psycho Killer then i guess that'd be somehow the least yet most damaging take they could have of him.

(One, they reduce him to The Violent one, which. Ok sure. But if by doing that they also make him "the Evil one"? THEN THAT'S NOT WHAT HE IS IN THE SYSTEM OK???? HE WAS JUST MARC'S RESPONSE TO THE VIOLENT SAD LIFE HE'S HAD OK???? IF ANYTHING HE'S PROTECTED STEVEN AND MARC AND HE DESERVES THAT SYMPATHY, AND NOT BEING REDUCED TO "THE EVIL ONE" FUCK OFFFFFFFFFF)

And again, if they reduce Marc to Manly Man That Broods And Is Rude At All Times, my heart would be able to take it BUT I WOULD BE ANGRY ABOUT IT. bcus he's not manly man that broods. He is DEEPLY SAD MAN THAT HATES HIMSELF OKAY!!!!!!!!!!! THERE'S NUANCE TO HIS BROODING!!!!!!!!!!!!

God. Goddd. Literally getting worked up over NOTHING and yet i can't stop thinking about how it will be Inevitable that this happens. I said it before but it'll be my Bucky Storylines In The MCU 2.0: electric boogaloo and im gonna Put On My Clown Wig and Suffer Through It

so like. Right now I'm trying to make my peace with how s1 of moon knight is something precious and special to me and nothing that happens in the future should get to taint that. Like, i will be dismissing any future mk installments from my head if they do my beloveds wrong. Sorry fellas you don't get to create a series that feels close and personal to my heart and drag it along to your silly multiverse business. Fuck off. Cries because local clown got attached to a franchise made entirely for the money and money only in a late capitalism hellscape.

Ugh. Ugh. ugHHHHHH PAIN.PNG

sigh. Okay I'm okay. I just have Big Emotions about moon knight this month.

Oscar Isaac if you're out there... I know you can't do much as simply an actor that has to follow directions but. But pls keep my beloveds safe from bad characterization somehow pls and thank u 🙏🙏🙏

[ilygsd]

151118

ok so to update my diary cus im so fkn bad at updating i only wrote when im sad or angry LMAO which sjcks bc looking back when im ”stabke” i look like a fkn edgelord and also its just negative shit ans i have so much to write bc i didnt write what happened when i was happy UGHHHHH

ANYWYSSSSSS idk i went to jo’s place, we fucked it was really cozy i felt SPOILT i met him on tues (131118) and then im gonna meet him on saturday (171118) if this doesnt fuck up and yeah i was actually HAPPY!!!!! kind??? yeah i was happy!!! he was emotional!!!! we cuddled!!!! even after sex!!!! yAY!!!!!

but then..........

but then..........

then we had yesterday.......

yesterday where i was sad over gj bc he was jealous and i called jo and he just made me feel like shit tbh and..... i wish gj was still my FP. he has every right to be jealous bc i treated him like shit while im giving jo lots of free-passes and let jim treat me like sjit. i shoulve stayed with gj but i also know i made him a favor by brekaing up. he deserves so much better. i still love him tho. not romantically pr sexually but like.... i just love him. he was my FP after all he was everything. our relationship was fucked up toxic but he was still so kind to be. he took responsibility for both of our feelings, MY feelings. when i was depressed and suicidal and anxious he hugged me until i felt calmer. he was everything and when he left i panicked. i was so fkn mean to him, made him feel like e wasnt enough but i appreciate him so much. even though i hurt him by just junping to this other weird guy gj is still kind to me. he called me disgusting and lots of stuff that really hurt and i panicked and wanted to DIEEEEEE but he’s the rational one. he apologised afterwards and made sure i was okay. even now when im sad bc i wanted jo’s attention and comfort bc he’s my new FP and i dont, gj asks me how i feel. i cant tell him that i want jo’s comfort and thats why im sad but i answers that im sas and really want to cuddle. hes so kind to me. i love him and wish him the best. i just wish he didnt leave me. i hate how i think its ok for him to leave me bc ”i have jo now” but as soon as jo and i fight i panic and NOO DONT LEAVE.

ugh idk what im writing im so fkn tired. im going on another date rn with a person idek like and i just want to sleep and revlog relatable bpd posts and be sad over jo and write shit here but udjsisbsksbskwldlsblsfs IDK

yeah anyways jo called me later yesterday asked if i was ok and i said is as and he hung up and i got sader lmao. then later i got a text that i should watch this amateur porn girl to practice on how to give bjs bc thats basically what im gonna practice on on saturday and im like ok. but then he starts talking abt this girl and idk i just get this weird disgusting feeling like..... im not a fkn porn star. i wanna make him feel good and be his slut bc i love him (kinda) and want his love in return. and then i get sad bc i realise thats not how he thinks and he misunderstands and is like ”i dont expect u to be a porn star but i want u to be my slut and i’ll be urs to keep the passion” and im like HELL YEAH I KNOW IM UR SLUT but i want LOVE in payment and that behind all sex is LOVE. and ofc sexual attraction but mostly love cus even ugly ppl can be sexually attractive. and then he said he had to cut me if i found him ugly and im like ”u dont have the right, ur the one who sees our relationship as a business contract” and he’s like ”yeah i do. life too” and im just ”thats disgusting” and he gets annoyed i can feel it but in already hurt and im starting to split again here we go again wohooooooo. i admit i felt disgusted and used and replcable first time we had sex bc we didnt cuddle or anything i basically just came to his place and performed like one of his porn stars and left and that was it for him. ”damn if u gotta be like that” ”we dont have to do stuff tho its cool” and i get even more sad bc he KNOWS i’ll fuck him anyways and bc i love him and its exactly THAT that makes me sad and i tell him that and hes like ”yeah cus who would be hype after hearing that. logic” (his fucking logic MY ASS GOD I JUST WANT TO KILL HIM), ”u hurt me first”, ”just cus we see things different doesnt mean u can act childish like when ur ex called u disgusting”.

end of text

i cried myself to sleep

okay yes i GUESS i have myself to blame........ but why cant he just comfort me. i obviously just want comfort. i just want his love. here i am, a fuckibg object to him is it that weird to be upset over that??? i think anyone who likes someone would be upset to hear that theyre just a resource, a business contract to them. ”lOgIC”

ughhhhhh. anyways i had mad anxiety and im omw to this other date nd im just sad. will i wait for jo to text me or will i text him. i wanted to text him when i felt better after reading those funny bpd relatable posts i’ll reblog soon but now i sad again bc obviously my mood fluctates but ugh idkkkkk fuck mEEEEE

[hotcocosharing]

Glory Days Part 11 (IM RP AU- Shun & Midi)

Part 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8 / 9 / 10

❥ ❥ ❥ ❥ ❥ ❥ ❥ ❥ ❥ ❥ ❥ ❥ ❥

Eriko’s POV I would be lying to say that I wasn’t jealous of Midi as Toshi chooses her instead of going to me but she’s far too drunk to even walk. A part of me wishes time to freeze so I’d watch him day and night or touch his bare chest with all the possible dirty ways I’d find on internet. Obeying the gentleman like a good girl, I sneak back to the changing room and slide myself out of the bustier, squeezing myself into a matching set of lingerie with leopard print before throwing over my head the white and summery dress which’s obviously too thin and cold for this time of night.

Watching the usual mature Midi acting child like is priceless to me whilst I’m usually the one getting picked up and sent home in a cab or waking up next to hotties who I have no recollection the next morning. Anyhow, walking along side Toshiaki makes me feel safe and having drunken Midi around only makes it better. "WOOOOPS!!” I exclaim a little too loud for anyone’s liking but seeing the man I just taunted couples of hours ago is most certainly not on my plan. Heading straight to the kitchen in attempt to fill my void hungry stomach. Pouting at the sad fact that Toshi is no longer shirtless as I nearly lick a jar of nutella clean.   “Are you planning on spreading that on something you can eat or all over yourself?” Instead of playing along and telling Maki or what his types would love to hear, I look down to see Toshi cleaning up my mess and letting go of whatever weird feelings that’s been bothering me- completely ignoring the fact that this could cause a boys fight or one really pissed off doctor to be. I throw all remaining decency and moral out the window- if there’re any to begin with and launch myself on Toshi’s back, wrapping my arms around his neck with my legs on his waist. “Piggy backkk ride!!! Yah!!!!!” “Midi???? Piggy back ride? Midi! Gosh are you  doing it already? Tachibana, she’s got some preeetty sexy bra underneath, don’t let it go to waste!” Drawing some extra nutella on Toshi’s cheek, I slowly lick the trace away and whisper loud enough for everyone in the kitchen to hear. “Did I look goodddd in my bustier?” “Oh I changed into …. a matching set just like Midi’s, wannnnna see? Tell me which one suits meeee moreeeeee?!” Slurring and mixing my words with uncontrollable giggles, an angry call of my name and the sound of fist slamming to the wall has forced my temporarily attention back onto the man I was initially interested in fucking on the night we met. “If looks could kill, Tooooshiii you and I are dead by nooowww. Look… Scaryyyy doctor!” Snuggling my face to the side of his neck, I tighten my grip and yelp in a half serious and half playful tone. “Ahhhhhh get him away from me! He'ssssss the baddd guy.” I give the lovely lone wolf a light peck on his cheek and tell my most honest thoughts, “And you are a gooood guy. I …. thi…. think I’m doneeee with bad boysss now..so doneeee!” Then everything else goes pitch black follow by dead silence. Shunichiro’s POV Raising my brows in disbelief, I pull Midori to my bed and tell the guys NOT to come in for the night. No one is to see what she’s wearing underneath after Eri’s helpful announcement, chuckling at her drunken form the new girl of my life caresses my chest and sleeps like a cat. Gently brushing her hair as she lays peacefully (and I’d love to say gracefully too if she isn’t so drunk.) My kiss on her forehead shift to her heated cheek then onto her red and seductive lips which I stand no chance to. “Midori, you’re letting this goes to waste according to Eriko but I would enjoy teasing you more when you’re awake.” With fingers dancing at the hem of the oversized shirt that presumingly belongs to Toshiaki, I carefully roll it off her and cover the sheets over her with my arms wrapping around her waist, falling back to sleep happily and look forward to her bizarre and funny reaction in the morning.

Toshiaki’s POV She’s drunk - still - great. I did not sign up for this shit! Thrown off guard by a piggy back that I’m not expecting, I decide to turn this around and into my favour as I carry the drunk and disorderly girl over to my bunk and throw her down onto it. Watching her squirming around pulls a deep and heavy breath from me as I try to figure out what to do - Maki making himself comfortable on the couch as he laughs from the distance at my dilemma. "You could offer to help asshole.” “Toshi - She’s not my problem.” I swear, a sucker punch to his jaw would do me the world of good in regards to stress release but I can’t walk away without Eri rolling off the bed and possibly hurting herself. Figuring I have no choice other than to stay where I am; it’s a few gentle strokes of her hair and telling her - reminding her - that it’s okay and that I’m not going to leave which causes her to fall asleep. Ugh - guess this means I’ll be taking the couch again. Midori’s POV It’s warm. Warm and a little cologne smelling. I feel like I have the worst possible headache known to mankind and the vibration of my phone buzzing against my ribs forces me to slowly open my eyes. EEEEEKKKK! It’s too bright. Turning over, I manage to snuggle into something warm which makes a sound - a groan - and catches me by surprise. The scream which slips from my lips is enough to wake the entire campus. Backing away in a flash I don’t realise how close I am to the edge of the bed and fall off; hitting the floor heavily and taking down every sheet and cover I’ve managed to get myself tangled within. Rubbing my forehead, the urge to throw up is very, very real and I feel like bursting out into tears when I notice who I’ve fallen asleep beside and what I’m wearing. Please tell me Shunichiro and I did not have sex. Ugh - no…. no, no, no… I was meant to be sober to remember it. Fuck. No. It couldn’t have happened - I’m clothed. Half clothed. Why am I in lingerie and where the hell are my actual clothes. As the men of dorm room 3026 roll over, get comfortable and try to gain a few more hours of sleep, I’m up straight onto my feet, sheet wrapped around me to conceal any kind of dignity I might have. “Errriiii..”, I hiss in a whisper, “Errrriiiii.” My head is pounding. A paracetamol or something is needed - STAT!. “Psstttt.. Erikoooooo.” Finally looking up enough to see her sprawled out on the top bunk, I skillfully attempt to climb it enough that I can shake her and wake the ever so sleeping beauty enough that I have to tell her it’s time to go. AGAIN my phone vibrates and I’m mortified to see the number on the screen. My mother? What the hell does she want? Oh fuck I’m in lingerie. Did we go past her store? Did I lock up correctly? How on earth did we get here? After enough persistant bugging, I finally manage to wake Eri and force her to clamber down, instructing in a whisper that drums at the inside of my skull that we need to be quiet and leave. “Can’t we stay for breakfast?”, she whines and I’m about to snap when I notice Shunichiro’s eyes open - a heart melting smile paint onto his face that I really don’t want to leave. Ugh - do we need to leave? Midi make your mind up. Yes. No. Yes. N– “No. I am in deep shit - ughhh.. I have like 46 missed calls from my mother and a text which is all in capslock and I’m pretty sure with the very, very broken memory I have of last night that I’ll be dead when she sees me.” Finding a shirt on the ground which I vaguely remember wearing, I slip back into it quickly - my arms not quite working so the struggle begins before half crawling onto Shun’s bed to give him a quick kiss on the cheek even though I can for some strange reason taste alcohol on my breath. “I’m sorry… I don’t… I don’t know how we ended up here but I’ll call you or… something. Maybe text me later. We gotta go! I’ll make all this – whatever it is up to you.” Grabbing at Eri’s wrist, I drag her out of the boys dorm room without a second word said as we trip into the elevator and take it down to the ground floor. Ughhhhhh - there’s sun. It’s burning my eyes. It’s only 11am - on a… I don’t know what day it is but why are so many people awake this early? Marching across the campus grounds, without looking at where I’m going a basketball flies in our direction which I’m not able to stop and manages to hit Eri straight in the arm. There’s a sharp sound which follows which I know must sting and hurt like hell but her delayed reaction tells me she too doesn’t know what’s going on, let alone possibly didn’t feel anything. “Shit are you ok?”, I ask concerned. Right now my mother and death-wish can wait - I need to make sure that Eri’s not hurt. Before I have a chance to even check over her; there’s a stranger at her side, rubbing down her arm and asking her if she’s alright - if where the ball hit hurts and if she needs medical assistance. He’s sweating - no glistening in the sun and everyone standing on the court seems to be waiting for him. He uses his fingers to gently lift Eri’s head up and force her to look at him. I watch as she cracks into a small smile; her eyes still glazed over from whatever we got up to last night. “Rikiya.. hey - is she alright?”, another guy calls out walking over. From the look of the jersey’s they’re all wearing these guys are possibly another college team over to practice before a game or something.

“I don’t know”, the auburn haired gentleman mentions, “…she hasn’t said anything.”