#im just really struck by this as a take on other forms of familial abuse

[bhaalsdeepbat]

I love that Orin was actually kinda bothered by Sceleritas, the most Charismatic little Butler around, but she was seeking favor from (and felt worshipped by) her grandfather.

I think Sceleritas is so loving and kind in part to help shape Durge into someone less likely to, not only disobey, but to turn away from their father entirely. Like family will put up with some shit just because they're family. Add that your family hasn't outwardly done anything to hurt you, they've shown you all the love and affection in the world, they've simply poisoned you against anyone outside that purview

[ratisnotcrying]

you’re useless

Summary: “Well, maybe if you weren’t so goddamn useless then we wouldn’t be stuck here.”

Juno hadn’t meant to say it. He didn’t even really believe it. Maybe he would have, when he was still a PI, before he had first met Peter, but he had changed so much since then. He still had bad days, but he handled them better now. He knew when he was in the wrong.

Prompt: "You're useless." from palettes-and-prompts

Pairings: background Peter Nureyev/Juno Steel, background Buddy Aurinko/Vespa Ilkay

Warnings: implied child abuse, descriptions of violence, hidden injury, hurt/comfort

Word count: 2.6K

A/N: this is crossposted on ao3 - ik that repeticism isnt a word but im making it one for this fic 

~~~

“Well, maybe if you weren’t so goddamn useless then we wouldn’t be stuck here.”

Juno hadn’t meant to say it. He didn’t even really believe it. Maybe he would have, when he was still a PI, before he had first met Peter, but he had changed so much since then. He still had bad days, but he handled them better now. He knew when he was in the wrong.

~~~

Rowan isn’t quite sure how they found themself on board the Carte Blanche and on the outskirts of the Aurinko crime family.

They had the typical, cliché backstory of a lone-wolf operating within the underbelly of society - a surface-perfect home life destroyed by something seemingly mundane blah blah blah, trust issues, a long line of enemies, enough friends to count on one hand, and nothing much else to show for over two decades of living.

One good thing about working alone is the need to get creative, and this is what had put them on Buddy’s radar in the first place. A few years ago, Rowan had been hired to acquire a tank of rare fish - this is about where they stopped asking questions, they didn't care as long as they got paid - and, after some very elaborate lies, an even more elaborate disguise and a rigged game of cards, they had managed to win a tank of the ugliest fish they had ever seen.

The part that caught Buddy’s attention, though, was the escape. Rowan had been found out before they had a chance to get out of the building, and had only managed to escape because they had memorised the security’s routes. It took a bit of guesswork, but they had been able to work out where the security would be coming from, found an unguarded window, clambered down a drain pipe, fish tank sloshing precariously in their bag, and landed near perfectly in a pile of rubbish bags outside the window - if you discount the broken bottle that had gouged their leg.

Buddy had picked Rowan up a few weeks after Juno and Rita, but it wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows, no matter how much anyone may have wanted it to be.

The problem wasn’t that Rowan couldn’t do their job - if that were the case they wouldn’t be here. No, the problem was that being thrown into close quarters with a bunch of strangers was… a lot. Especially for someone who had been alone for so long.

Rowan liked Jet well enough, he was straightforward and honest but intense; Buddy’s ‘take no shit but do no harm’ attitude aligned perfectly with her unwavering morals, and this was a welcome relief from the lies and deceit Rowan had lived with for so long. Rita and Peter were surprisingly welcoming, and Rowan formed a reluctant almost-friendship with Vespa. Juno, though. He and Rowan were too alike: fiercely independent, stubborn as a mule, and they both fell back into old habits as easily as anything.

Maybe this clash of bad habits, the deceptive comfort in being who you were, even for a moment, is how this job went so spectacularly wrong.

~~~

It was supposed to be a simple in-and-out job. Rita had taken out the security cameras, Jet was waiting in the car, and Juno was sneaking down the darkened hallways with Rowan.

“I still don’t understand why we need this goddamn painting. It looks like a baby threw up crayons and then just threw up on a canvas.”

“I’ve just eaten, Juno, shush if you don’t want me to throw up too.”

“Rowan, darling, please do not do that - this painting is priceless and highly sought after, which is why, Juno, we need to swap this for the information August Reid is refusing to give us. I did mention this in our family meeting before you left.”

Vespa’s aggravated voice piped up in the background of Buddy’s comms, “He was too busy swooning all over Ransom to pay attention.”

~~~

They had gotten the painting easily, so it was just a matter of getting out again. Rowan had been tasked with studying the guards’ shift patterns and routes, and had had no problem getting them in. Apparently, their luck couldn't hold.

They crept forwards, leading Juno left, right, left again, ducking this way and that to avoid the, quite frankly excessive, number of guards patrolling the halls. And that’s when it happened.

Rowan ducked right around a corner into another corridor, one that was supposed to be empty for another six minutes at least and there, at the other end, was a guard. A guard who was looking right at them.

“Crap.”

“What? Rowan we need to kee- crap.”

Both of their comms beeped, Buddy asking them questions with thinly veiled panic in her voice, but neither of them answered, stood frozen, eyes locked with the guard. Then all hell broke loose.

Everyone took out their guns and bullets started flying, the guard was shouting and footsteps could be heard thundering closer from all directions.

A tidal wave of de ja vu crashed over Rowan, “Fuck, this way,” they shouted, turning to run, voice tinged with something Juno didn’t have time to decipher, but Juno grabbed their sleeve and dragged them in the opposite direction.

“Hell no. You are done giving directions, I am not letting you get me killed here.”

They ran back the way they had come, and Juno skidded to a stop in front of a storage cupboard.

“Get in, quickly. There’s a vent at the top we need to get through. Do you think you can manage that?”

Rowan wasn't sure - there was a searing pain in their side that sent shocks of nausea through them with each breath and black dots into their vision with each movement. But this was their fault - they had failed at the one job they had - the one thing they were supposed to be able to do, they got themself shot and had put Juno in danger. They did not need to hold the job up any longer - they just had to get out of here and they could deal with the shot later.

It was a tight squeeze, both of them were crammed awkwardly into the vents, waiting for Rita to work out where they were so she could guide them out.

“Christ, it’s cramped in here - my side is killing me.” Rowan muttered to themself.

“Well, maybe if you weren’t so goddamn useless then we wouldn’t be stuck here.”

Everything seemed to shift and sharpen, Rowan suddenly violently aware of everything around them whilst simultaneously being blurred by memories they had tried so hard to bury: Juno was trying to listen and see if they had been found, there was shouting from down the hall, the smell of musty metal was almost overwhelming and Rowan jerked as if physically struck by Juno’s words, completely at a loss for what to say. Luckily, Rita, who had been on the comms, was not quite as speechless.

“Mistah Steel! That is a horrible thing to say, how could you-”

“Goddamnit Rita, I don't have time for this - how they hell do we get out of here?”

~~~

Jet was still outside with the car, and took off at break-neck speed as soon as the doors were shut. Juno sat in the front seat, the painting on his lap, talking to Buddy about something, and Rowan was slouched in the back, trying to cover up the fact that their organs were about to fall out. Well, that was an exaggeration. Probably. Just to be safe they grabbed a jacket they had left in the car weeks ago and slipped it on, wrapping it tightly around themself to try and hide the blood and hopefully-not-organs.

Juno had gotten a bit banged up in the vents, so when they arrived back at the Carte Blanche he went straight to the medical bay to meet Buddy with the painting and then to get checked.

“Rowan, it is recommended that you also get checked out. You look very ill,” Jet said as Rowan turned away from the medical bay and towards their room.

“No worries, Jet, I just want to get changed first - these clothes are filthy.”

~~~

“It was a mistake, darling, the best of us make them.”

“Yeah, well, it ws a stupid mistake - all they had to do was make sure they knew where the guards would be and then make sure we weren’t there!”

Vespa growled at Juno, who was gesticulating wildly whilst she was trying to wrap a bandage around his arm.

“Juno, I don’t care if Rowan walked straight up to that guard and told him why you were there - we are a family, and you will not speak to any member of this family like that.”

“That’s another thing - I get why everyone is here except Rowan - you said it was some daring escape that brought them here, but after today’s performance… what exactly do they bring to the table?”

“I’m going to leave that for you to work out, Juno.” Buddy said tersely.

He deflated a little, head tipping back to stare at the ceiling. Goddamnit.

“Are we about done here, Vespa, I’ve got places to be.”

~~~

Rowan would quite like a stiff drink right about now. Partially to actually drink, but mainly because they had run out of steriliser and this wound was definitely going to get infected and it would be this whole thing and they would get ill and-

“Get it together, Rowan.” They hissed, pulling out a sterile needle and taking a deep breath as they began to stitch themself up. This was not the first time, and likely wouldn’t be the last, that Rowan has had to do this - working alone and working recklessly meant most jobs ended with soft pink staining bandages and staining baths, throat and skin burning from cheap whiskey. Tonight didn’t have to be different.

The shot had skimmed their side so, luckily, no organs were falling out, but it was still going to be a bitch to heal, likely would be ripped open a few times and leave a nasty scar. This, unfortunately, was also not uncommon.

The painful repeticism of the needle going in and out lulled Rowan into a violent comfort they tried to avoid, the panicked calm soothing them until they couldn't quite hold back the memories they had been reminded of earlier.

Raised voices, gritted teeth and finger shaped bruises. Running, up stairs, through doors, arou-

There was a knock at their door. They flinched, snapping back to reality.

“Rowan, it’s Juno. Can I- can we talk?”

They almost said yes, just called Juno in like nothing was wrong. Then their brain kicked it’s way through the fog and realised they were sitting in bloody trousers, half stitched up wound and thread fully exposed to anyone who might walk in.

“Rowan?”

They picked up the shirt closest to them - part of a matching pyjama set - and tried to tuck the needle away so they could carry on when Juno was gone, and threw the door open.

“Sorry, I was just getting changed. Just sit anywhere.” They mumbled, haphazardly shoving piles of washing off of a chair.

“Thanks. Listen, about earlier, I know that you didn’t mean for that to happen. It’s been a rough week, not that that’s an excuse for what I said- are you alright?”

Rowan had half-sat, half-fallen back onto their seat on the bed and was focusing very hard on not fainting, so much so that they couldn’t really understand what Juno was saying. Maybe this wound was worse than they had thought. They nodded and hoped for the best.

“Right… Anyways, what I actually came to say is that I'm sorry I called you useless. You made a mistake, no one died, well I don’t think anyone died. Whatever, it couldn’t have been avoided. I know that I can be abrasive,” he said with a look that meant he had been told this many, many times before, “but that doesn’t mean that- Rowan, you really look like crap.”

“Wow, thanks, Juno, you say the sweetest things,” they took a deep breath and tried not to panic at the fact that they couldn’t really feel most of their torso anymore, “I know you didn’t mean it, we’re fine. Stop looking at me like that, I’m fine, I just need a nap.” The last words were pointed, hinting sharply at Juno to leave.

“Yeah, because slurred speech and sweating and shaking all scream ‘I’m fine’,” he paused for a moment and Rowan could almost see the cogs whirring, piecing together the information - bullets flying, the unidentified something in Rowan’s voice, the jacket they hadn’t been wearing before, the sterile wrappers on the bed… Then the last piece clicked into place, “Rowan, is that blood?”

They looked down at their top - their white pyjama top - as their vision began to fade out, their head too heavy to hold up and mouth too numb to speak, “No-”

~~~

When they came to, they were in the medical wing wearing a loose sleep shirt - distinctly not soaked in blood - and shorts. They tried to get up and go but a not-so-gentle hand pushed them back to lying down.

“Goddamnit, stop moving. You’ve already ripped your stitches once and you weren’t even awake,” Vespa growled, fussing with the bandages wrapped tight around Rowan’s middle.

“Sorry, I’ve always been lively in bed.”

“That’s cute, darling. What’s not cute is the stunt you pulled last night - if Juno hadn’t come to see you when he did... “ An uncomfortable look passed over Buddy’s face, “Let’s not dwell on that. I will want to talk about this later, but, for now, somebody else wants to see you.”

“Great,” Rowan tried to get up again, “Where are they?”

“Nice try, tough guy, but you’re staying right here until mean old Vespa lets you out.”

“Bite me, Steel.”

“No, thanks, I think I'll leave that to-” He cut himself off at Buddy's warning glance and didn't speak again until Buddy and Vespa had both left the room.

Rowan glanced at the bandage wrapped around Juno’s bicep, “Is it bad?”

“No, just a flesh wound, unlike that one you’re sporting - what was the plan? Stitch it up and hope you didn't drop dead in the middle of the next job?”

“Something like that.”

“Goddamnit. Okay, I don't know how much of what I said yesterday you heard but I'm sorry for what I said. I know we don't really… get along, but you remind me of,” he sighed, “You remind me of someone I used to know.”

“Juno, I really don't need a pep talk.”

“Well, here's the thing - you absolutely do because this,” he gestured to the bandages and the bed, “can’t happen again. You can't see that we care about you - you wouldn't be here if Buddy didn't think you were worth something and Rita is the best judge of character I know; she thinks you’re great. You have a goddamn family here, Rowan, stop trying to push us out.”

Rowan sighed, and Juno graciously didn't mention the tears in their eyes. “I don't know how to-” Rowan shook their head.

“We aren't going anywhere, Rowan, I know that's not what you want to hear but I don't care. For right now you need to stay here and stop ripping out your stitches. Take care of yourself for once. Then we can work on whatever complexes you’re holding onto so tight.” Juno said, squeezing Rowan’s shoulder as he stood.

Rowan didn’t say anything till he was half-way out the door, “Hey, Juno? Thanks.”

“Sure thing.”

[caffiine]

A BRIEF PAUSE

From my regularly scheduled content. I’ve got some shit to say, y’all (forewarning for spicy language and spoilers)

I thought about making this post on my fandom subblog but this show and this relationship have been TOO important to me for the past 8 years to not give it its proper place in my life. strap in bc im not sure how long this mf is about to be.

When i started this DUMB show at age 19 tortured soul “empath” dark academia me thought sam winchester was going to be my favourite character. and don’t @ me, i love sam now in his own right (and we deserve some SAILEEN PEOPLE). but after literally less than 5 episodes i KNEW dean’s character and his arc were going to be amazing and beautiful and he immediately became my favourite brother. The nuances of his character i.e. his shell vs his true self were so evident to me even in the first couple seasons. in my humble opinion, he had the most growth of the two brothers.

They all deserve to be happy, but for whatever FUCKING reason dean has the HARDEST TIME OF ANYONE being happy in this show. I know it’s his character. I know it was written that way. But FFS.  I kept wondering when they were going to wrap up his emotional arc and stop torturing the poor dude.

then in season 4 they introduced castiel and 1) I thought the new concept of angels as assholes was super cool and 2) I hardcore SIMPED over misha collins (still do). I watched benignly as cas and dean began to form this relationship that seemed pretty special. I started watching the show when it was in its eighth season and I binged the shit out of it for two weeks until I was caught up. By the time I was caught up I was CERTAIN there were some feelings between them and I LOVED it. I am bisexual and I was ECSTATIC for a potential queer relationship between two masculine-portrayed dudes. I went on tumblr to express my newfound theory, only to find out that this was a real THING. “Destiel” was already an idea that had absolutely and intensely BLOSSOMED in the fandom  for several seasons already. So many others saw what I saw and saw the potential of emotionally tortured/constipated “daddy’s blunt instrument” dean and the unfeeling daddy’s boy cas “crack in his chassis” Winchester being allowed to be happy together. I felt validated and hopeful. For a while.

Then it was season after season of hopefulness for them to be finally happy with each other while still fighting the ills of their world with sam and the other new members of their family that were added along the way, only to constantly have that hope seemingly teased away at the end every single time. By season 11 and the introduction of amara (not bashing, eventually loved her character and her development too) I gave up. I lost hope. I stopped watching the show. I didn’t want to keep watching my two favourite characters continuously abused by the story they were thrown into.

I know not everyone likes destiel, not everyone thought it was real. That’s chill, idc. Stories are so often meant to be (and sometimes inadvertently) left up to interpretation by the person experiencing and consuming them. It’s what’s so amazing about books and shows and movies that are able to make us feel so intensely about them and their characters. And I felt SO strongly about dean and cas. It was honestly really upsetting to me, the way the show was going with their relationship.

A while later season 13 had been going on and I started seeing some things pop up on my dash. Hopeful things. I did a bit of research and accidentally saw THE SCENE from season 12 and I couldn’t help myself. I restarted it. I watched the whole thing from the beginning again AND introduced it to my boyfriend I think partially as a way to ensure I wasn’t imagining shit (it took him awhile and a lot of me internally screaming during many scenes but by season 9 he was like “uh are they in gay love”). Fast forward to me finally catching up as season 14 was starting. I was still hopeful, somehow. And it happened AGAIN. Season 14 and the beginnings of 15 made me so sad. I HATED what they did with their relationship. I HATED the way it ended. I HATED the way dean treated cas and everyone around him. It felt like the show was taking his whole character arc back to day 1. I didn’t understand. I kept watching for a couple episodes after the big argument and cas left but the luster was gone and eventually I just stopped.

I love this show. It has meant so much to me as a story. So many of the characters are/were very dear to me. I know it’s a running joke with this show about character deaths and homophobia but the strength of the bond I felt was between cas and dean gave me a lot of hope. But it wasn’t enough. I felt betrayed one too many times. And for those of you who kept watching, for whatever reason, I don’t hold it against you. It’s still a beautiful and interesting story without cas and dean’s relationship. But I just personally couldn’t do it anymore.

I hadn’t planned on watching the rest of season 15 when it came back after pandemic hiatus, at least not for awhile. So imagine my FUCKING surprise when I was doom scrolling through twitter during election week on Thursday and I see supernatural trending right along with election shit.

What.

I couldn’t stop myself, I looked and literally SCREAMED and made my boyfriend spill his wine all over our couch. I didn’t know exactly what happened as I hadn’t seen the episode but APPARENTLY all my emotions and feelings had been at least partially vindicated. So I BOUGHT season 15 so I could finish watching where I had left off. I watched 8 episodes in less than 24hrs (don’t judge me there’s a quarantine) and I LIKED them. And it might’ve been bc I knew what was about to happen in 15 x18 but I really felt like the show was getting STRONGER as it neared its finish.

I was so excited for 15x19. I read so many posts from fellow fans, destiel and antis alike. There really weren’t a lot of bad emotions running around. Everyone seemed hopeful and excited like me.

I probably don’t need to go over 15x19 emotions but im going to anyway. I was disappointed. I was confused. I was angry. we are in season 15. The last season ever for this show that has had a HUGE following of fans who have loved it, sometimes unconditionally, sometimes even though it wasn’t the best (and sometimes less than good). A season and show that had just announced YES. CAS LOVES DEAN. ITS REAL. And I shouldn’t have to go over the nuances of why we would expect more after this, with two episodes to go before the show is done forever.

But I will bc im mad af.

Like I said in the beginning. Dean’s character arc has been incredible. His emotional growth – as subtle as it might’ve seemed – has been amazing. And dean has always been an emotional, loving person. he just felt like he wasn’t because the world made him feel that way. And that’s sad, y’all. Dean deserves to realize he DESERVES happiness. And in 15x18, we were finally heading basically directly there. With destiel, yes, but even if you’re anti, what cas said to dean about who he is and why he loves him obviously struck a fucking chord with dean. It obviously changed the way he viewed himself (RE: “that’s not who I am, that’s not who we are”).

But for WHATEVER reason that’s ALL we got in 15x19. One fucking SENTENCE about dean realizing maybe he’s not just built to kill people. And then jack leaves without a single mention of Eileen or cas or Charlie or literally anyone they ever cared about and dean rode off into the sunset alone with his brother while we watched a fucking FIVE MINUTE MONTAGE that made me want to hurl my own body into the sun they were driving toward. And cas is STILL DEAD.

BUT THERE’S STILL ONE EPISODE LEFT AND FUCK ME IF I HAVENT BEEN PAINTING ON MY CLOWN MAKEUP ALL WEEK. SO WHAT DO I WANT????

ONE: DEAN DESERVES HAPPINESS. REAL HAPPINESS. What the FUCK supernatural??? Wasn’t this the whole point of his arc??? And don’t get me wrong I REALLY want that happiness to come from Cas and a real spoken relationship of some sort between them bc it also ties in with my second point but tbh just PLEASE let dean be happy. Dean is a loving person and does everything for love as we JUST FOUND OUT. Dean would NOT be happy with everyone he’s ever loved gone for the rest of his life. I just don’t believe that’s fucking true. h elp him pls.

TWO: CAS DESERVES HAPPINESS. I know we got this whole speech about “happiness isn’t in the having it’s simply in being”  but like. Really. Castiel was supposed to be a throwaway character no one was supposed to care about. But we all cared SO MUCH that he lasted 11 SEASONS longer than intended and became a main character and an integral part of the story. Cas has arguably sacrificed more than anyone on this show. His last act was to sacrifice his life to save the man he loved. He knew where he was going. He knew he was finally going to be able to tell dean he loved him and then immediately be taken by the empty where we know now thanks to season 15 that everyone in there just gets to dream forever about their regrets and sadness. HOW IS THAT FAIR. HOW IS THAT A GOOD ENDING FOR CAS. HOW DO YOU EXPECT ANYONE – CHARACTERS AND FANS ALIKE –TO BE HAPPY ABOUT THAT. Its messed up, supernatural. Y’all KNOW it is and I hope to HIGH HEAVENS this is going to be corrected in 15x20.

THREE: give sam Eileen back. 

Well that’s all I’ve got in me, folks. I’m absolutely and intensely dreading Thursday. Im scared and nervous and obviously still angry that this is absolutely going to be the opposite of what they promised – another “game of thrones” ending. Some of y’all are giving me hope with your posts about maybe they’re trying to keep the ending a surprise and maybe cas is coming back and how can they not and why else would they have done the second to last episode like that and I hope yall are right.

Either way, im glad I am not alone with my feelings. Thanks yall for the experience of this fandom and show. Let’s stick together on Thursday, no matter our differences.

 PS stop calling jensen ackles a homophobe or ill hex you. 

[artemispanthar]

first of all ty for the pendulum post it worded my own thoughts about Greg. like he is tried best with what he knew, what he had, the circumstances surrounding Steven being an alien hybrid and such, ie none of the Gems are citizens, or even in the world of su where people don't fret much over weird stuff a doctor probably would have looked at his gem and been like "what the fuck is that? we must operate immediately" 1/2

however reminding Steven that he's not like other kids, and the whole "you can be whatever you want to be!" is just. Not what Steven needs to hear presently, obviously. What you already said. Anyway Greg's family reminded me my own, too. like yeah we had a nice house and vacations but they also emotionally abused and neglected me. I know was supposed to paralell Pink's "childhood" but those flashbacks were in a fantastical space setting and not a suburban house with uncomfortable family photos 

I understand to some others who didn't have stability or nice stuff as a kid it may seem ridiculous that I left the moment I could with no plan. But It's like, they had the means to support me and my interests and my transition but instead  they looked at every thing I did were like "that's stupid. why don't you do this other thing?" like I don't think people understand how damaging that is to a child 

as a Gay I also couldn't help but notice that the stuff his parents forced him to do, (wrestling, having a buzzcut, mathletes kinda) are all more traditionally masculine things. that detail may be coincidental but to me feels like part of why they wanted him to do that despite it him having no interest is to make him "man up". Greg isn't particularly feminine but you know how the straights can be OK IM DONE SORRY ARTIE

tbh, I don’t blame Greg at all for not taking Steven to a doctor either because, yeah, I can easily envision a, like, ET scenario where Steven is confiscated and tests are performed on him. Also, because of Steven’s innate healing powers, he never got any injuries or illnesses that would prompt a doctor visit and any problems he did have were likely Gem-related which Earth doctors likely couldn’t do much about anyway. The difference between Dr. Maheswaran and any other doctor is she has general knowledge of Gems via Connie and had performed basic tests on them for science so she had the ability to determine what might be causing his problems. I’d also imagine Greg might’ve been concerned what human treatments might do to Steven. Like, vaccines work on humans but they’re totally untested on Gems and Gem-human hybrids. What if the Gem part of Steven caused it to react in an unexpected way to devastating consequences?

Yeah, Greg’s “you’re unique” speech wasn’t what Steven wanted to hear but it makes sense that’s what Greg would say for the same reason Greg raised Steven with unrestrained freedom. Likely, Greg grew up feeling confined in a dry, personality-less role where he was doomed to be just like everyone else, not special at all. I’d wager as a kid he wanted nothing more than for people to say “You are the only you that exists, you’re special and unique and no one else can define you” so that’s what he says to Steven. To quote The Sunscreen Song (or the essay it was based on, I guess), advice is a form of nostalgia. It always stems from one’s own experiences and thus can never be completely applicable to another person (and sometimes can be totally off the mark!)

I think there are a lot of different bad situations people can grow up in that cause their own brand of problems. No amount of stability can make up for a suppression of the self just as no freedom of expression can make up for a severe lack of stability. It is very very emotionally damaging to consistently have it drilled into you during your formative years that nothing you want, think, or like matters and worse, be mocked and belittled for it. We’re complicated beings and have a variety of needs that need to be met and severely lacking in one can have devastating effects when we grow up.

That’s a good point re: the masculine activities. I hadn’t really thought about it, but you’re right and it would not surprise me at all if his parents were motivated by the desire Greg be more “manly”. Greg always struck me as a guy not concerned much with gender roles, I could easily see his parents wanted to curb that when we was younger. I mean, his favorite musical artist was the SUniverse’s version of David Bowie, I can’t imagine his parents were thrilled about that, given what little we know.

[starfire-27-blog]

Shallow Beginnings: Prologue

*Disclaimer; This story has elements of child neglect and verbal abuse, drugs, sexual content, and nudity. 18+ recommended.*

“Really, mom?! More drugs? I thought you said you were done with this shit?” Isabelle, once again, caught her mother snorting coke. She assumed the molly had already been popped, usually Alahna Kaminski didn’t just deal in one vice at a time.

“What? It’s none of your business what I do with my life, little bitch. You’re lucky you even have a roof over your head, I should have left you outside the damn hospital in the rain with all the trouble you’ve caused me. And now you’re bitching at me for taking a few minutes to get my head right? Get the fuck out of my house, girl, and don’t come back until your attitude is better. Fucking whore.”

Ah, so she was already in that deep, huh. Well, so be it. This was nowhere near as bad as it could be; so Isabelle took her advice and went for a walk, trying to clear her mind. Maybe by the time she got back, Alahna would be a little more calm. While she walked, Isabelle thought about everything she wished she could change. Ever since she could remember, they’d lived in this rundown studio house. Her mother was hardly ever in a state lucid enough to fix it, and their landlord didn’t give a shit because he wasn’t getting any money from them. Isabelle didn't know for sure, but her mother didn’t have a job and they hardly had any money so it was blatantly obvious she was paying in other ways. It was made even more obvious how she would sometimes see him around their yard at 6 in the morning; God knows he never did any work out there. Isabelle was just biding her time until she was old enough to move out. She was determined to make something from her life, even though her start wasn’t that great.

Isabelle walked for a good few hours, before returning home. As she opened the door, she said a silent prayer to whatever asshole god existed that her mother would be asleep. Or maybe dead. Of course she should have known better than to expect a break like that.

“Are you kidding?! Seriously?” It wasn’t the first time she’d walked in on something like this, but she was getting pretty god damn tired of it.

“Who the fuck is this one?! He looks half your age. What kind of parent are you, knowing your teenage daughter fucking lives here. What is wrong with you?”

“Sorry, sweetness, my spawn is an uptight bitch. Lord knows where she got it.” Alahna said to her guest. To Isabelle, “If I hadn’t pushed you out of my cunt myself, I would never know you came from me. I’m counting the days until I can legally kick you the fuck out. Just go to bed. It’s too late for children to be up anyway.” Isabelle went to lay down as Alahna lit up a joint and shared it with the random guy. She was probably getting paid for this, Isabelle would ot be the leas bit surprised.

Isabelle has cried every night for as long as she had memories. She woke up every morning praying for a break, a respite, a long lost relative to show up out of nowhere and take her away. Anything.

The next day when she returned home from school, Isabelle didn’t hear banging or senseless talking. She didn’t smell a fresh blunt rolled from the shittiest weed money could buy. She had an eerie feeling when she opened the door to see al the lights off, but she just brushed it off. Her mother was probably passed out on a park bench somewhere. She walked into the kitchen to make a sandwhich with their hard, moldy bread. She was stopped short when she saw a lump on the ground, and a creature she never believed actually existed.

Grim Reaper! As Isabelle looked at her mother in a lump of skin and bones on the kitchen floor, with an open and mostly empty bottle of MDMA on the counter, she had some pretty conflicting feelings...Her mind scattered everywhere at once. What happens now? She still had over 65 days until her birthday. If she ended up in the orphanage...there was little hope of her getting adopted this late in the game, and to be honest, there were younger kids than her who needed loving families. She could take care of herself. That was the moment when she decided. She’d support herself, and stay low on the radar until she was of legal age to be alone. Isabelle had been given plenty of practice taking care of herself with a mother who was in a constant drug induced haze. Then, with that thought, she was a little excited. No more screaming matches, no more walking in on random naked dudes fucking her mother, no more dealing with the kids at school about their run down house. She said a silent thank you to Grim on her way out the door.

On her way to the nearest park in town, Isabelle heard a *crack* as a shot of lightning struck across the sky. Then the thunder rolled in, and rain started pouring down on her. Well, this puts a bit of a damper on her newfound freedom. Having nowhere to go, and realizing she was pretty tired, she laid down on a bench to nap. A short time later, she was woken up by the whimpering and yapping of what sounded like a scared puppy. Opening her eyes, she saw a small furry rat-looking dog staring up at her with a miserable “please help me” expression, her eyes wide, and she was trembling from head to toe, scared of the storm.

“Hello, little one. Looks like you’re all alone out here in this mess, too, huh? Well, we can just take care of eachother, how about that?” With a small *yap*, The puppy seemed to agree with her, and lolled its tongue out of its mouth as Isabelle reached to pick her up.

“Me and you, kid.” Isabelle said as she nuzzled the small puppy close to her. Giving her the name Kooper, the two became inseparable, their bond formed in the worst storm Brindleton Bay had seen since Isabelles’ birth.

65 Days Later

“Alright, girl, we did it!” Isabelle said to Kooper, as they stared at their brand new front door. After the storm the day her mother died, Isabelle woke up to a bright, sunny morning in the park. She contacted some of her school friends, and crashed on couches while trying to finish high school. Eventually, things got hard. She couldn’t keep up with her studies and her two jobs. She dropped out, lied about her age and joined the military. Today, on her official young adult birthday, she received the promotion to stage 3 of the career. She had just finished closing on her very first home. The last 65 days had been a rollercoaster...Isabelle had tried dating a few imes, but she didn’t really have time for it with everything she was dealing with. Because of her past, she was never able to let anyone in. She had a few sexual partners, but none she really considered serious. Other things were far more important to her. Now, as she stared at her first home, she finally started feeling like her lif was coming together. Going into young adulthood with a smile on her face, holding her best friend, she turned the key for the first time.

[blatherkatt]

Title: The Calm Is Terrifying When The Storm Is All You Know [Homestuck]

Chapter 33: Declarations 

Summary: There were two kinds of trolls who went to Earth: rich shitheads with too much money and free time, and desperate assholes who couldn’t survive on Alternia, even with the best efforts of the young Condesce. Karkat hated the planet almost immediately, but with his home planet too dangerous for mutants, he really didn’t have any choice but to hide out on this weird little diurnal planet. At least he’d be safe. Or so he thought, right before blundering his way into an accidental friendship with the son of an anti-troll terrorist.

Rating: M

Chapter Warnings: Implied/Mentioned abuse, mentions of terrorism, death mention, injury mention, depiction of an emotional breakdown, trauma aftermath; Illustrated; Pesterlog

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— carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling tipsyGnostalgic [TG] —

CG: WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?

— tipsyGnostalgic [TG] is an idle chum! —

CG: FUCK YOU, I CAN SEE THAT FOR MYSELF, YOU PIECE OF SHIT PROGRAM. I’M GONNA FUCKING YELL ANYWAY.

CG: I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO PICK ME UP AT NOON. IT’S LIKE, 1:30 AND YOU STILL AREN’T HERE, WHAT GIVES?

CG: IF YOU GOT KIDNAPPED, TOO, I SWEAR TO FUCK I’M PERSONALLY PUTTING THIS ENTIRE GODDAMN FAMILY UNDER PERMANENT WATCH.

CG: I’M NOT ABOVE SITTING ON YOU ASSHOLES IF THATS WHAT IT TAKES.

TG: okay first off i know youre like a literal alien but heres a protip for ya:

TG: general human earth etiquette is to not text people who you know are probably driving?

TG: its like a whole thing

CG: WHY

TG: idk probs because texting while driving’s a great way to fucking crash lol

TG: anyway!!

TG: yeah im real sorry about that mom fucking rang me up like

TG: hi im at the airport come get me!

TG: out of fucking nowhere because everything has to be a fucking hassle with this woman

TG: so i had to go get her

CG: WHY THE FUCK WAS SHE AT THE AIRPORT?

TG: because fuck me is why

TG: and THEN shes like

TG: ooooh i gotta do some mysterious whatthefuckever errand at some mall out in the middle of nowhere

TG: so now im sitting in the parking lot waiting for her to get back which might be a while because her bad leg’s been acting up lately

TG: and thats why im not there yet >:(

CG: WAIT. WAIT, HOLD ON, I’M CONFUSED.

CG: BY “MOM” ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT RACHEL? I DIDN’T EVEN THINK SHE HAD A BAD LEG.

TG: nonono

TG: ray is like. dirk and dave and rose’s mom

TG: i dont call her mom i just call her aunt ray cuz shes not my mom yknow

TG: my mom is aunt ray’s sister

TG: aunt ramona? they talk about her?

CG: OOOOOOH. YEAH.

CG: THE WOMAN WHO WRITES THOSE SHITTY SUPERNATURAL ROMANCE BOOKS KANAYA LOVES.

TG: hahaha yeah her trashy shit is great

CG: SHE’S HERE?

TG: apparently!!!!!!!!

CG: I’M SENSING SOME BITTERNESS.

TG: ugh its fine she just always does shit like this

TG: womans always gotta make a fuckin entrance even if that means not telling anyone shes coming

TG: and its goddamn annoying as shit!!

TG: but its fine i get it shes here to help out and we are kinda all hands on deck

TG: speaking of tho i heard something about kanaya not coming along after all?

CG: NOT YET, NO.

CG: SHE’S BEEN TALKING TO ROSE, AND APPARENTLY DAVE’S BEEN PRETTY UNEASY WITH THE NUMBER OF NEW FACES AT THE HIVE.

CG: HOUSE. WHATEVER.

CG: TEREZI’S PROTECTION DETAIL HAS HIM KIND OF ON EDGE, I GUESS?

CG: SHE’S GONNA COME AROUND LATER PROBABLY. AND MIGHT END UP STAYING WITH PORRIM AND KEEP IT TO VISITS, AT LEAST UNTIL THINGS SETTLE DOWN A BIT.

CG: SO IT’S JUST ME FOR NOW.

TG: ooooh yeah geez i bet

TG: poor dave :( :( :(

TG: i gotta tell you and mom some uh. serious shit about him when i pick you both up

TG: id pass it on here but its probs better if i just tell you face to face?

CG: OH, WONDERFUL!

CG: MORE NO DOUBT HORRIFIC NEWS REGARDING DAVE.

CG: I CAN’T WAIT. THIS PANIC ATTACK’S GONNA BE ONE FOR THE RECORD BOOKS, I CAN JUST FEEL IT!!!

TG: :(

TG: tl;dr hes not in great shape but hes getting better but theres some stuff we gotta go over

TG: jfc mom what the fuck are you doing its been ages

CG: SO WAIT. SHE JUST HAD YOU DRIVE HER OUT SOMEWHERE AND WALKED OFF ALONE?

TG: yeah

TG: woman can take care of herself just fine so like im not worried??

TG: but still, like. cmon woman!!! whatever it is hurry up a little

TG: it cant be that important we got places to be

In terms of location, it was almost an outlet mall; somewhat detached from the nearest city and surrounded by forest. It was mostly all one building, positioned in a dip in the ground next to a clear stream, and these features had helped make it a serviceable fortress during the invasion, although Derek had regularly complained that he’d have preferred a site that held the high ground. Still, they’d made do; the roof was high enough that one could see for quite some distance, the stream offered fresh water, the trees provided decent enough cover during skirmishes, and the walls were thick enough to turn away most weather and weapons. It hadn’t been much, but it had served well enough as home for six years for around threescore ragtag survivors-turned-fighters.

Out in the surrounding forest, those who hadn’t survived that conflict still lay buried in pitiful graves marked only with a stone or a chunk of wood. There hadn’t been time to properly put anyone to rest; it had been risky enough for two or three people to slip out during a stretch of quiet with a shovel and a body. They simply hadn’t been able to afford to have any sort of formal burial, not with the threat of an attack constantly looming.

Even so, even so…

Derek had picked a spot he would remember.

In life, the oak tree would have been the kind people would have thought of as a monarch, with branches spread wide and gnarled wood ancient and strong, holding children in its branches as easily as if they were made of nothing; but the tree had already been dead by the time the invasion started, a great, ancient, dried-out husk. Even so, decades later, it still stood, its branches reaching toward the sky, the other trees forming a circle around it as though too respectful to come too close. Mushrooms and trails of greenery crept about a quarter of the way up the ancient trunk.

At its roots, a rotting wooden spar stuck up out of the ground. This, too, had been reclaimed by flowers, grasses and mushrooms, decorating the splintered and decayed timber with dark summer greens and pale white-and-lavender blooms.

Derek Strider, down on one knee with his sheathed sword held in his right hand, sighed. Of course, the trouble with having to bury the dead so hastily meant that there’d been no one to look over the graves, so it was to be expected that it be in such disrepair, but even so, seeing this one choked out by the invading flora was…

It wasn’t right.

Overhead, the ancient branches rustled slightly, and the raucous calling of a bird broke the silence. Derek narrowed his eyes and ignored it, tried to write the disrespectful noise out of the scene.

The crow seemed to have other ideas. The bird lighted down on the wooden grave marker, red eyes fixed on Derek’s face. It flapped its wings a few times, cawing incessantly. Derek scowled, unsheathed his sword, and struck —

The blade passed through the bird with no resistance whatsoever. The creature’s body split in two, bloodlessly, as though Derek had cut through smoke — it even looked like smoke, like a cloud cut in two by a passing jet. As Derek looked on, uncomprehending and with a growing sense of dread, the bird’s body seemed to pull itself back together, a video played in reverse, and the bird’s accusatory squawks started up again as though nothing had happened.

Derek was on his feet in an instance, stepping away from the beast, and as he did, he happened to look up…

Perched on nearly every branch of the old tree were ravens. Unlike the crow, they were all silent, and aside from the occasional shifting of a foot or tilting of a head, motionless. Scores of staring animal eyes bored into him.

Derek had never been a superstitious man, but nor was he the sort of fool to ignore the truth his own eyes showed him. He’d spent six years fighting alongside a witch, and seen enough to learn that some things really couldn’t be explained away as coincidence.

Had it been anyone else, he would have responded to the sound of footsteps approaching this site with a furious attack; even Ben knew better than to disturb him here. But when he whirled to face the intruder, he froze.

She’d aged more since he’d last seen her than he would have expected. Hints of silver streaked her hair, and she leaned heavily on her gnarled black cane. A faint breeze stirred the black fabric of her dress, playing with the light shawl laying across her shoulders. The crow had fallen silent.

“Put that thing away before you take someone’s eye out,” said Ramona, nodding nonchalantly at Derek’s sword.

Derek narrowed his eyes, and did not respond aloud, instead choosing to slowly and deliberately slide the sword back into its sheathe. Only after his left hand had returned to his side did Ramona nod and continue.

“That’s better,” she said. “Now we can talk things over like reasonable adults. Mind you, I ought to do the world a favor and wipe you out right now,” and Derek took a slow, deep breath at that, as she continued, “But I’d prefer not to desecrate your brother’s grave by staining it with your blood. I respect him far too much for that. You, however, have somehow managed to exceed all of my worst expectations to a nearly unfathomable degree, as of late. I’ve held off on this confrontation out of respect for the past, but I can see now that this was a mistake.”

Derek shifted. “Everything I’ve done has been to protect our damn planet, Ramona,” he started, but was cut off.

“Really?” she said, “Well, then. I’m not about to attempt to ask you to cease killing trolls, as we both know that would be pointless, but I would very much like to know how exactly burning your own son alive plays into your grand battle strategy?”

“He…he turned on us,” Derek said, through gritted teeth, “He forced my hand, left me no choice!”

“He is a child!” Ramona snapped. “And you, of all people, should know better! If you really must follow this path of self-destruction to its end, fine, but he should never have been involved!”

“I—”

“And in any case, you had a perfectly good sword on hand, I’m sure. If young Dave really did need to die, you could have executed him with minimal pain, but no, you wanted him to hurt, to know he was dying and to fear you and suffer as he passed. How do you justify that, Derek? How does anyone, especially a child, deserve anything of the sort?”

The eyes of the ravens and that damned crow still drilled into him. He could feel the stares on his back, but kept his eyes locked on Ramona’s, refusing to back down.

He wasn’t going to take back what he’d done. There’d be no guilt, he’d done nothing wrong except overreact a bit. It was justified. That…that boy wasn’t Dave. Ramona was using the name like a blade, but she’d not win that way. He didn’t deserve the fucking name, didn’t deserve to have anything to do with Dave, he never would have let Rachel name the kid that if he’d known he was going to grow up to be such a pathetic, useless little coward.

“I don’t have to explain myself to you,” he said.

“No, I suppose you don’t,” said Ramona, folding her hands over the top of her cane. “I’ve a fairly good idea, in any case.” She sighed. “The war is over, Derek. The time to put aside this violence and misery is long since behind us. Our children do not deserve to grow up as we did.”

“The trolls are still here,” Derek spat.

There was a long silence. Ramona sighed again.

“Fine, then,” she said, “So be it. Do as you will. Chase violence as long as you like. But if you come near my family again, I will consider it an act of war.”

She turned, and he was tempted to take the bait, to try attacking her while her back was turned, but he held still. It was infuriating, knowing what a pointed insult turning her back on him was, knowing that she knew he would not risk attacking her—but she was right. She was much too dangerous.

“Come along, little one,” she said, abruptly. The crow rose off the grave and flew to land on top of Ramona’s cane. If Derek had cared to pay any attention, he might have noticed the crow look back at him with something like regret in its eyes, but Derek was already far too lost in his own thoughts.

As one bird, the ravens took wing, dispersing in all directions, leaving him alone again.

The trouble with trying to go from Alternian to English was a multifaceted one, to be sure, but so far the most obnoxious piece of it that Karkat could see was the tendency of guides on how to speak English to simply use the closest Alternian equivalent as an English word’s translation. More and more, the two languages were notably extremely different, and while he could speak English well enough that he’d never had any serious problems, there were any number of words that he kept tripping over as a result of a translation being extremely unclear and culturally misleading.

Witches, for instance, were clearly something very different on Earth. The Alternian word that was translated to English as “witch” was, like most Alternian words, a series of noises in the ‘click and growl’ family that most humans lacked the anatomy to create, and generally refered to certain lowblood prophets and healers in Alternian folklore. They were those who lived away from society and who, through some lucky genetics and convenient psychic powers, were able to fend of drones and effectively disappear from the world at large’s knowledge. They kept to themselves, sought to harm no one who didn’t attack them first, offered shelter to the weak and the hunted, and as such were always portrayed as utterly despicable beings in fiction, as no writer with any sense of self-preservation had dared to portray such reckless treachery under the rule of the last Condesce. There might have been some changes to the lore under the new one’s rule, but things like that changed slow.

In any case, they certainly weren’t anything like the old woman in a shawl who was sitting next to Roxy in the front of her car.

She was dressed all in black, for one thing. Alternian witches didn’t tend to wear much black. Some Alternian witches didn’t tend to wear all that much clothing at all, really. Most seemed to belong to ancient religions that weren’t particularly fond of shirts.

Ramona was definitely magic as shit, though, Rachel’d been right about that much. Was that all a witch was on Earth, just someone with magic? Fuck, if that were the case, then probably like at least a third of all trolls were witches by Earth’s standards. Then again, maybe magic was another poorly translated word? English didn’t seem to have a word to separate “things that we (read: trolls) know exist, like psychic powers and psiionics and ghosts and chucklevoodoos,” and “things that are super fake and don’t actually happen ever and make no sense.”

Whatever. In any case, Ramona didn’t look at all like Karkat had expected, and when he climbed into the back of the car, she didn’t react to his presence with anything stronger than an amiable nod. She seemed to have her mind on other things, and was largely silent at first.

Roxy wasn’t; she immediately piped up happily as Karkat swung open the door with a “Hey, man! Sorry about taking so long! Can you, uh, do me a favor and check on Jaspers? He’s in the carrier behind Mom, Rose asked me to pick him up while she and Aunt Ray were gone. He’s been missing them a lot, all staring out the window and kneading his blanket and shit, and he’s not a huge fan of car rides.”

“He’s asleep,” Karkat said after glancing into the little crate.

“Awesome. Alright, buckle up and we’ll get this damn show on the road.”

“On the road again, just can’t wait to get on—”

Karkat tilted his head as the car’s radio abruptly changed from quietly playing some human pop song over to something much louder and completely different. Ramona stifled a snort as Roxy stabbed a button, switching the radio back to the previous channel.

“No, thank you,” she said, glaring. “Christ, the fuck is with this thing today, I swear to god.”

“I suppose it may simply be getting into the spirit of things,” said Ramona with a smile. As the car pulled away from the curb, she turned back a bit to face Karkat. “It’s Karkat, isn’t it? Rachel’s been sending me any number of emails with updates, and from the sound of things, you’ve been rather instrumental in bringing young Dave back into the fold, so to speak.”

“…Into the what?”

“It’s a figure of speech, meaning in this case that you’ve helped us return him home as well as helping him to adjust to being there,” she said. “For which you have all of our heartfelt thanks. Ours is perhaps not the most functional of families, but it  is ours, and as I’m sure you’ve seen firsthand, ripping away a piece of it the way Derek did has had some very painful consequences for all involved. We owe you a great deal.”

“Yeah, man!” Roxy said. “And from what Rose has been telling me, you were kind of a big part of why he finally spilled what he knows. Which, he did bee-tee-dubs, which means he’s off house arrest finally, so that’s good—”

“—And a partridge in a pear tree,” the radio crackled.

“What the fuck? It’s August,” Roxy scowled. She turned the radio off altogether as Ramona glanced hurriedly out the window.

“Speaking of Dave,” Karkat said, hopefully before anyone got distracted again, “Roxy, you mentioned that there was something that you needed to say face to face?”

“Right, shoot, yeah,” said Roxy. The car turned onto the long road that led eventually to the Lalonde hive. “Okay, so, like. There’s definitely some shit you should know before we get there, but I wanna preface it all real clearly by saying that Dave’s okay, y’know? He’s got a lot of healing to do, but the doctors said that as long as he’s looked after and we change bandages and shit and he gets plenty of rest, he’s definitely not in any danger anymore. He’s…weak, but he’s not like gonna keel over at any moment, okay?”

“Not actually making me feel any better, Roxy!” said Karkat. Oh, boy, with a preface like that…

“Well, fuck, I tried, I guess. Uh. So, Dave did get hurt…pretty bad, and there were some other complications—oh, for fuck’s sake!!”

“Watch me, watch me, hey, watch me, watch me!” The radio was louder than ever. Ramona’s hand flew up, poorly hiding a grin.

Karkat leaned around Roxy’s seat to glare at her.

“What the fuck, Roxy,” said Karkat.

“I’m not doing this!” Roxy said, waving her hand wildly. “I swear to fuck, I wouldn’t! I really do need to pass on some shit about poor Dave, and the radio’s never done this before? It’s been acting up since a little before we picked you up, keeps changing on its own and shit, augh!”

She fought with the controls, but the song stopped only for a moment before getting even louder.

“Why the fuck do you humans even have this obnoxious song?! Who listens to this?? It’s literally just some squawking wiggler screeching for its lusus’s attention!”

“I mean, I kinda love it for that honestly, it’s terrible and stupid and wonderful, but like, come the fuck on??? What’s with this thing?! Now is not the time!”

“Ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass—“

“GOD, that’s even worse!!” Roxy yelled, slamming her fist down on the dashboard. “Fucking stop!!”

“That’s enough for now,” Ramona said, almost murmuring it.

The radio turned off. Karkat and Roxy both turned a suspicious eye on Ramona, and with equal simultaneity, decided to drop it for now.

“Anyway,” Roxy said slowly, “What I was trying to say is, um…Karkat, do you know what it means for someone to ‘flatline?’ Because, um. Dave kinda did, for like, a minute and a half.”

Karkat shook his head, realized Roxy probably couldn’t see him with her eyes on the road, and said, “Uh, I have no idea what that word means, no.”

“Well, um…”

“It refers to a heart monitor indicating that the heart has ceased beating,” Ramona said. “The machine indicates activity with a line which shows peaks and valleys, and it goes flat when that activity has stopped, thus, ‘flatline’. The organ we call a heart serves an equivalent function to what trolls call a ‘blood pusher’ or a ‘pump biscuit.’”

Karkat felt for a moment like his own pump biscuit had stopped.

“Shit, Mom, when did you get so good at translating to trolls?” Roxy murmured.

Ramona shrugged. “I’ve made efforts to reach out,” she said. “The war ended, after all, and since we’re allies now, it doesn’t hurt to learn about each others’ cultures.”

“His fucking—What?!” Karkat screeched, unable to keep the harsh buzzing whine out of his voice. God, that was such a moirail noise, and any other time he’d have yelled at himself for not keeping it under control, but not now, not when… “His fucking blood pusher stopped and I’m supposed to be calm!?!”

“They got it moving again!” Roxy said. “He’s okay now, the doctors said it was going strong! It was, um, mostly just exhaustion, they think? Like, the burn wounds could’ve killed him on their own, sure, but they got on those quick enough that if he’d been healthy to begin with he probably wouldn’t have been so bad off? But between ten years of, you know…and just, apparently he hasn’t been eating enough even while he’s been back with us? And Ray’s gonna get on his ass about that, but, just—look, the thing is, Dirk doesn’t know about this yet, and Aunt Ray’s asked that we try to keep it that way, and I don’t really get why but I think she has her reasons?”

Karkat was definitely hyperventilating, oh fuck, oh fuck—Ramona’s hand reached back to touch his own, snapping him out of it.

“It’s fine to be worried,” she said, gentle. “I promise you, though, it is as Roxy says: he’ll be fine given time to recover and the safety with which to do so. He’ll be alive when we get there.” She sat back in her chair, turning towards the road again. “As for Dirk, I suspect Rachel is waiting for things to settle down before breaking it to him gently. He is, for better or worse, very like his father, and Derek handled his brother’s death poorly, in large part because at the time we could not afford to mourn. Rachel probably wants to make sure that Dirk does not feel he has to force himself to be strong when she tells him.”

“Makes sense, I guess,” Roxy muttered. “Anyway, the main thing about that is that he’s not got a lot of energy right now, so don’t…take it personally if he just falls asleep on you sometimes? Especially with the painkillers he’s on, apparently that’s a side effect, too. He can walk short distances, but he gets wobbly quick and needs help sometimes, so there’s that too.”

“Fuck,” said Karkat, softly.

The next ten minutes of the ride were carried out in tense silence. This was broken by the radio once again bursting back on and blasting the ass song again, at which point Roxy threatened to pull over and smash the fucking thing to smithereens.

By the time they actually got to the fucking house, Karkat felt like his soul was going to vibrate right out of his fucking body with impatience. They had yet another delay in the form of Terezi’s protection detail—Terezi herself wasn’t there, but some officers were, and they insisted on knowing about any weapons the three of them had as well as names, and went in to check with the family while making them all wait outside by the car. Karkat already had his fucking bag in hand, he was ready to go, but no, they had to go through this tedious procedure! Sure, it was probably a smart move, and when he was feeling a little more sensible he’d be more okay with it as it was the sort of thing that probably would make them all feel a bit safer (especially poor fucking Dave), but right now the were a pain in the ass and he was going to fucking explode!!! If they didn’t!!! Let him get in the fucking hive!!!!!

Rose stepped out as they were still talking to the police, and for the first time in his life Karkat was unspeakably happy to see her. She quickly confirmed to the police that all three of them were in fact expected and trusted by this household, and then gently let Jaspers out of his carrier. The cat immediately yowled and threw himself into her arms, kneading at her shoulders and rubbing his face against hers, and it all would have been super cute if Karkat didn’t have his mind on other fucking things.

“Come on in,” Rose said, nodding towards the door. “Dirk’s on the couch and Dave’s in Mom’s room, as neither of them can handle stairs right now and Dave needs his bandages changed at least twice a day. Karkat, do you—”

She was talking to air. He was already in the fucking door.

And then had to face the fact that he’d never actually been to Rachel’s room. Fuck. Rachel was coming up the hall, though, and a slightly bewildered young human (wait, fuck, that was Dirk, what happened to his hair? It looked so weird hanging down like that instead of spiked up) was sitting on the couch with an Earth husktop on his lap. Roxy pushed in the door with Ramona right behind her, dropped a heavy wheeled bag right next to the door, and immediately launched herself at Dirk, who gave a startled yelp as she did so.

Rachel rested a hand on Karkat’s shoulder as she passed him, rushing up toward Ramona throwing her arms around her shoulders. The two shared a long hug, and Rachel kissed Ramona’s cheek.

“God, I’m so glad you’re here,” Karkat heard Rachel murmur, before Rose tapped his shoulder.

“I was asking if you knew where Mom’s room is,” Rose said.

“Uh.”

“It’s down the hall to the observatory, but you take a left before you get to it. Make sure to make plenty of noise on the way over, Dave gets really jumpy when he’s the only person in that room. He can’t block the door since we need to be able to come in and out, and it’s got him a bit on edge.”

Karkat nodded, unable to get any words out past the lump in his throat. He more or less just dropped his bag on the ground and pushed past, zooming around toward the room indicated. Dave looked half-asleep when Karkat pushed the door open, and waved as he sat up with some effort.

God, the photo Rose had taken didn’t do justice to how fucking bad he looked. There were bruises across his face and neck turned a weird greenish-gray but still dark against his skin, and bandages everywhere, his hair was a mess (although that might have just been from sleeping). He was in some oversized shirt with an Earth hoofbeast on the front that was probably Dirk’s judging by the size, and Karkat had no idea why Dave had it on but right now he didn’t care.

“Hey, man, uh. Shit’s been crazy, huh?” Dave said with an awkward grin. He didn’t have his shades on either, which made sense if he’d been sleeping, except they weren’t on the bedside table (which did instead contain a nearly empty glass of water, several bottles of pills and salves, and a first aid kit from which clean cloth bandages overflowed).

Two weeks of emotion boiled over all at once. Wordless, Karkat stomped across the room and grabbed Dave’s stupid fucking shirt in both hands and tugged him close.

“It was three days, Dave,” Karkat hissed.

“Wha—?”

“Three days! And you got yourself fucking kidnapped by a terrorist on day goddamn two!! What the fuck, Dave?!” His voice was threatening to abandon him, but Karkat forced it right back into place by sheer willpower. This tangent would not be fucking stopped, hell no. “I take my eyes off of you for two days, and you get yourself into shit again! What the fuck!!! Do you have any idea how-how fucking agonizing it’s been waiting for news?! And you’re just sitting there like ‘Oh, hey! What’s up?’ What’s up is my foot up your waste chute, you hopeless fucking—!” Okay, nope, his voice was leaving after all, actually. He felt tears roll down his face, and he should’ve been more worried about that, but Dave already knew about his blood color and he was the only troll in the house right now, so, fuck it, fuck it all! Helpless, he tugged Dave closer again, letting his face press against that stupid shirt, claws still twisted into the fabric as he sobbed.

“Holy shit,” Dave muttered.

“I was so fucking scared,” Karkat gasped. This was pathetic, they weren’t remotely a couple, Karkat had no right to be this worked up and he knew it, but…Dave wasn’t exactly pushing him away, either, was he?

“I’m sorry, man, I didn’t even…It wasn’t planned this time, it just sorta happened, and Dirk got hurt, and I…”

“I’m not actually angry at you, despite having so much right to be that legislacerators everywhere have preemptively declared me innocent. I’m just fucking screaming for the sake of it, dumbass.”

“Oh.”

The awkward pause that followed was filled with only the sound of Karkat’s weeping, which, fuck, he was probably too fucking embarrassed to tell him off. Except…Dave’s hand lifted up to rest gently against Karkat’s back, so, maybe he didn’t mind that much? Was that wishful thinking?

“Sorry for this,” he said, just in case, as he pulled away a bit. “It’s really fucking embarrassing, I know, I just…”

“It’s cool, man,” said Dave. Then, with a wink, he said, “I know you got your massive Strider homocrush, it’s only natural—”

“Dave, I swear to fuck, injured or not, I will pummel you into dust with a fucking pillow, don’t test me!” Karkat snapped.

Dave snorted. “Hey, man, it’s fine, everyone’s allowed to be a lil gay sometimes with their friends, it’s only natural.”

“I’ll ‘natural’ you!! Motherfucker, I spent the two weeks worrying about your wellbeing and you come at me with more of this bullshit!!”

Dave cackled with laughter. Karkat rolled his eyes and sniffled. He feigned annoyance as best he could, but, God, it was such a relief to hear Dave laugh. Rubbing a sweater sleeve furiously across his eyes, Karkat pulled back, sitting awkwardly on the edge of the bed. “Okay, but seriously, what’s with the shirt?” he asked, gesturing at the floating head of the hoofbeast. It wasn’t even a joke or a drawing. It was just…a straight photo of a hoofbeast’s face, with no text or explanation of any sort. What the fuck??

Dave glanced down, and snickered. “Oh, shit. Uh, yeah, we needed something that’s easy to get me in and out of, since the bandages on this fuckin’ burn need to be changed like, a lot, not to mention the gross-ass cream they have us slathering all over it on the regular. We tried a button down, but the buttons were kinda chafing, and like…who the fuck wants to ruin a fancy shirt with gross burn juices, right? And Dirk’s shit is more comfortable, and this one’s big enough that it’s real easy to take off even if I’m high on the damn painkillers.”

Karkat winced slightly, but decided not to comment. The scream from the video echoed somewhere in his think pan. “Where’re your shades?”

“Bro fuckin’ stepped on them or something, man, I dunno. They fell off at some point, and they were already cracked before all that, and Terezi just found pieces. Which fucking sucks, I mean God dammit, those were a gift from John. Shit sucks.”

“John?” Karkat tipped his head.

“Yeah, he’s like, an old friend of mine. Have I not mentioned him to you? Whatever, he, uh.” Dave scratched at the side of his head. “He was an online friend from before Bro started doing the, uh, raid shit, and I kept talking to him and another friend, Jade, for a while afterwards even though I wasn’t supposed to?”

“Jade’s name I remember,” Karkat said.

“Haha, yeah, yeah cuz I told you about…anyway.” He cleared his throat. “I guess since Dirk’s college is starting up again soon, not that he’s going for the first couple weeks with his leg and a fucking concussion, but, it’s starting up, and John’s sister goes there too, and he’s gonna come with so we’ll be able to hang out for a bit? Which is fuckin’ rad, I haven’t even talked to the guy in three years and we’re finally meeting in person.”

“You want him to be here? While you’re this badly injured?” Karkat yelped.

Dave blinked at him like he’d just grown a secondary head.

“I mean, yeah?” Dave said. “Like, yeah, I’m not in great shape and I guess it’ll be a lil weird for him to see me like this, but I’ve missed him.” Before Karkat could press the question further, though, Dave yawned. “Ugh, fuck, I wanna keep talking, but I’m…halfway to falling asleep, shit.”

“Oh,” said Karkat. He got up, ready to leave. He wanted to stay, wanted to curl himself around Dave’s obnoxiously lanky frame as best he could and protect this fragile idiot human from the entire universe, but…it wasn’t his place, was it? No.

“You leaving?” said Dave, rubbing at his unbruised eye.

“You said you wanna sleep,” Karkat said.

“Right. Uh. Could you, like…fill this back up for me, then, I guess?” Dave said.

“…Sure,” said Karkat.

He was…still confused, but Dave was tired, so he didn’t press. But he couldn’t wrap his head around wanting a friend around while he was so injured—well, he’d wanted Karkat around, hadn’t he? He’d seemed happy to see him, aside from the, uh, yelling. Still, it didn’t make sense! Every troll knew as a small child that the only people you could trust when you were injured were your lusus, your moirail, and maybe your matesprit! Anyone else might take advantage of the weakness and kill you, that was just basic logic! But Dave didn’t even seem to be thinking about it.

And…and yet, come to think of it, Roxy’d been awfully forthright about how bad Dave’s condition was. Hell, she’d heard it from Rose, who seemed like the one most likely to know not to spread that weakness, but the humans were all sharing it and passing it around. It wasn’t just that they didn’t seem to care who knew that Dave and Dirk were injured, it was like they wanted people to know.

And as he filled up the glass of water in the kitchen, he watched as Roxy and Dirk talked on the couch, as Dirk told her that he’d passed on the news of their condition to Jane already, that Rose had told her and Dave’s friends, and it just kept going. Everyone had to be up to date on the fact that both brothers were injured and vulnerable, and yet…

“I hope the flight wasn’t too long,” Rachel was saying to Ramona.

“Nothing would be too long right now,” she said in turn, blowing gently on a cup of tea that Rachel had just poured her. “Times like these, we all need to do our part. I know I might not be able to do much, mind you. My leg’s been acting up something fierce, as of late, but I’ll do whatever I can.”

Something clicked. All at once, the curtains pulled back and Karkat saw the whole picture—saw maybe not what it always was, and certainly not what the Lalondes achieved on any sort of regular basis, but what it was supposed to be, how it was meant to work.

On Alternia, everyone lived in constant competition. Trolls had to be strong as close to all the time as they possibly could, or at the very least find a moirail who could, because otherwise their society wouldn’t particularly care much if they died. That just meant they didn’t deserve to be a part of the gene pool or to contribute to society. If they were injured badly and left vulnerable, it was seen as normal for others to take advantage of that weakness and exert power or outright kill a rival. It was how they survived so long, or so the cultural narrative had so long stated: by this competition, the strongest survive. Nevermind that this survival was built on the corpses of uncountable trolls who didn’t make the cut, it Worked.

As a result, trolls had been bewildered just as Karkat had by how humans as a species managed to be so frail and yet so reckless and to still survive, especially when they didn’t exactly have the kind of numbers that trolls did. Humans lacked the numbers to be expendable, lacked the strength and toughness that kept Trolls alive, and yet they looked Death in the eye and pointed and laughed, and pushed themselves to extremes for no purpose other than to have some warped idea of fun. It was a question that had lingered around his consciousness for ages; how the fuck do humans even work as a species? How had such a seemingly doomed race not died off yet?

The answer that hit him now, as he watched Roxy help Dirk stand up and balance himself on a pair of crutches, was that humans didn’t have to be strong all the time, and that was the magic of their little social units, their families—they took care of each other. No one person had to be good at everything, or so good at one thing that it could keep them safe in any situation. It didn’t matter that their skin was thin or that they weren’t particularly strong or fast, they always, always had others around who would pick up the slack, others who would come even across oceans to offer what aid they could in times of strife; they weaved together all their strengths and weaknesses into a fabric able to withstand just about anything. Fuck, no wonder they’d wanted Dave back so badly. The Lalondes may have been less a tapestry and more a patchwork quilt, but it was still their quilt, and Dave was a part of it….

He felt a near-agonizing pang of envy that he didn’t have a quilt of his own. Humans might have been stupid about a lot of things, but this…this they’d gotten right.  

“Fucking water? Is that really the best you could think of? Fucking dumbass,” Dave muttered to himself. God. This was stupid. This was all really fucking stupid. He couldn’t even deal with being alone while he was asleep, for Chrissakes! Too scared of nightmares of a big mean dog, like some fuckin’ little kid.

Yeah, he was tired, but he really, really didn’t wanna be alone right now, was the thing. Not with that fucking troll-drug-induced nightmare lingering around the edges, waiting to chase him down again at its first chance. But. Like. Karkat was kind of right? Bros don’t watch each other sleep, that’s fuckin’ creepy. Like. Okay, so maybe they’d done a bit of that way back when Karkat had been kidnapped, but they didn’t have a choice back then, and anyways they mostly slept at the same time during that experience, which was super different from just asking his best alien friend to fuckin’ hold his hand so the  bad dreams wouldn’t get him. Fuck.

So he’d asked Karkat to refill his glass, even though he wasn’t thirsty right now, because it was an excuse to make Karkat come back, at least for a few more minutes, and they could talk for a bit, and maybe Dave’d stop being tired, wouldn’t that be rad.

Karkat came back in looking really thoughtful. He handed the glass over, and Dave took a sip to try and look like he hadn’t been 100% bullshitting there, and mumbled a thanks as he set it down. Then, just as a thought, he jerked his head toward the rest of the bed—it was a big king-sized one, probably left over from before the divorce and Mom had just never downsized or whatever, so there was a lot of space to Dave’s right—and told Karkat he could sit down if he wanted, Dave wasn’t gonna, like, pass out right this minute or anything, haha.

Karkat stayed quiet, which was fuckin’ weird, but he did sit down. He stared at the sheets for a minute, and then spoke up suddenly, saying, “I think I get it.”

“Get what?” said Dave.

“Why they wanted you back so bad,” said Karkat. “I mean, way back when you were first arrested. I kind of fought with Dirk over it at one point, because my only experience with the word Dirk used for why you should be with him was fucking Strider. And also I think I get why this shit all works, for humans in general. I mean, I’m probably just saying obvious shit, but it’s not how trolls work, we don’t take care of each other, not like this.”

Dave tipped his head.

“I mean with the whole fucking family thing,” Karkat said, rolling his eyes. “I’ve been trying to get it this whole time, but this shit’s used to justify so much bullshit with you humans, and I think I get it now, and why it’s so fucking important to you as a species.”

Dave snorted. “Dude, it’s not that big a thing—”

“It is, though! It just seems normal to humans because it’s how you always work, but, Dave, I’m serious, back on Alternia it’s every troll for themself. Maybe you  have one person who has your back if you’ve got a moirail, maybe some are lucky like me and have friends who are actually consistently on your side and won’t take the first chance they get to kill you or fuck you up some other way, but we definitely don’t have a whole cluster of others we can just fall back on any time we’re met with something we can’t handle alone.”

“Makes sense, I guess,” Dave started, but Karkat just kept going. Apparently he’d had some sort of fuckin’ epiphany in the past two minutes.

“It took me so fucking long to get this, but I get it now! You know what I don’t get, though, is why the fuck you ever tried to convince me that Strider is part of your fucking family.”

Something in Dave dropped like a stone.

He’d…had a similar thought, really. Repeatedly. Multiple times, over the past week or so. He’d been kind of trying to avoid it, because every time it popped up, he got really stressed out.

“And don’t give me any of the bullshit about being ‘related’ or what the fuck ever, I don’t wanna hear it,” Karkat kept right on going. “I still don’t get why you humans care so much about that. The whole point of this family thing is that you all take care of each other, not that you’re related or whatever! Your aunt’s here, did you know that? She flew across an entire fucking ocean just to make sure she could help out you and Dirk! What the fuck did Strider ever do for you?”

It was a good question. And the answer, of course, was: aside from trying to  kill him, do you mean? Hahaha.

Karkat was still talking, but Dave wasn’t really hearing him. Fuck, this had been a mistake, he should’ve taken his chances with the fucking nightmare dog. That was better than this old song and dance with his own thoughts.

The facts were pretty simple. He’d operated under pretty clear logic when he went up against Bro: We’re family, so he loves me, so therefore if I ask him to let me leave and explain that I really can’t deal with this, he’ll let me go. Except, Bro had tried to kill him, which meant that…

That was as far as Dave ever got. He couldn’t think any farther than that.

He felt like…like the next thought should be obvious, but he couldn’t make himself think it. It was too big—not so much a square peg in a round hole as it was trying to cram a grain silo into a pinhole, and the thought threatened to overwhelm and destroy him, so instead of thinking it, his brain kept rejecting it, the effect being like a broken record skip-skip-skipping, over and over, repeating the last thought he could get to before the Big One, because he couldn’t not think the Big One, either…

It was so fucking stupid, it was just a thought, why couldn’t he…

“Hah, yeah, now that you mention it, I guess I was always kinda wrong about this shit, wasn’t I?” Dave said, unable to stop the sardonic laughter bubbling up in his throat. “I mean, fuck, no wonder it took you so long to get, I probably gave you the wrong idea. My dumb ass was convinced he’d never try to kill me, cuz we’re family, and, well, here we fuckin’ are!”

Skip, skip, skip—

Karkat was still talking in stuttered phrases in the gaps of Dave’s own flood of words, looking almost scared, but Dave didn’t comprehned any of them, and anyway, the ranting had started, there was no stopping this shit now. “Like, what the fuck was I even thinking, right? I really thought that was gonna work, that somehow he’d just let me go if I asked, like a fucking idiot! Haha, what a fuckin’ dipshit, right?! And here I was thinking he—” Frantic laughter bubbled up, overtaking the words, not that more would’ve come, that next thought was just too big. Was he crying? Fuck, Karkat didn’t need to see any of this shit, but he couldn’t stop, couldn’t think

Skip, skip, skip, skip, skipskipskipskipskipskip—

It wasn’t Karkat’s fault. It really wasn’t. He might’ve set it off, but the storm had been building up for days, now, and it broke hard, sweeping Dave up in a torrent of just wordless mental screaming. He couldn’t think the next thought. He couldn’t. But the thing was damming him up, and he couldn’t ignore it anymore, and he was stuck in the middle and left to just completely melt down and dissipate into the flood.

A sound like a cicada crossed with the creakiest horror movie door ever to creak ripped through the tides, and suddenly Dave found himself tugged into a full body hug, wrapped up in four limbs with his face pressed into a thick sweater. The touch dragged him out of the flood and onto dry land, brought him back into now before he even knew what was happening. Karkat’s whole chest was vibrating with some intense cricket-cat hybrid purr, and this should’ve been so embarrassing but he was so tired and so lost and it was fucking comforting, so who the fuck cared. Who cared anymore. It was all bullshit. He could be embarrassed later.

Too soon, Karkat seemed to have the same thought, and tried to pull away. “Shit, sorry, I shouldn’t—fuck, I’m so sorry, this is really presumptive and I know you aren’t even into boys,” he babbled.

Dave groaned, wrapping his arms around Karkat’s chest and pulling him close. “Dude, if you try to make this about alien romance right now, I swear to fuck,” he gasped out between harsh sobs. Christ, he was going harder than Karkat did like twenty minutes earlier, what the fuck.

Karkat paused. Good. It meant his warm arms were still there. “Dave, I…I mean, this is troll romance, this is textbook moiraillegience, and I shouldn’t just be throwing myself at you because you had a moment of weakness, no matter how bad I, uh.”

Dave sniffled, wracked his brain for a moment…Karkat had explained this stuff about a million times, which one was…”That’s like…the bros quadrant, right?”

“The what.”

“The one that’s, like, platonic and shit.”

“…Yeah?” The cricket-purr started up again, cautiously.

“We fuckin’ kinda do most of that shit already, don’t we?” Like. Yeah. He wasn’t gay. That was still a thing. But Karkat was warm and solid and real and Dave was fucking exhausted and didn’t want to be alone, especially not when he felt right now like he was wrapped in safety. “Please, Karkat,” he added, because why not beg. He was already at maximum pathetic, there was no digging this hole lower, fuck it. “I really don’t wanna be alone right now, just, please don’t go.”

Karkat was quiet for a long moment, but finally, the cricket-purr went back to full volume and Karkat’s arms tightened around him.

“Okay,” Karkat said quietly. Dave let out a breath he’d barely known he’d been holding and went back to crying.

“We’re going to have to talk about this later,” Karkat murmured, which put him at about normal volume for anyone else.

“Later, then,” said Dave, and let himself finally fall the fuck asleep.

[madzoomerr-blog]

                     ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡ ʰᵉᵃᵈᶜᵃⁿᵒⁿ  /   PSA !       BILLY   #002.    

now   before  we  get  into  anything,    i  just  wanna  point  out  that  this  is  my  personal  understanding  and  for  my  own  comfort.    interaction  wise,   this  will    ALSO  HIGHLY  DEPEND   between  comfort  with  the  mun  and  heavy  plotting  and  muses’  chemistry  but  by  now  i  hope   that  most  of  you  have  read  my  headcanons  for  max  because  i  take  my  portrayal  of  her  super  carefully  and  respectively.   i’d  like  to  make  it  clear  that  i     DO  NOT   and  have  never  seen  the  ‘ship  tension’  between  billy  and  steve  nor  do  i   think  billy  is  a  good  person/brother  to  max.   and  if  by  chance    ( which  i  don’t  find  i’m  gonna  get  into  anytime  soon  )    i  write  in  that  realm,   it  must  be  that  i’m  comfortable  with  you  and  we’ve  plotted  it  well  enough  for  me  to    WRITE  IT   as  an  au  or  development.   otherwise,   it’s  impossible  for  max  to  even  think  about  him  in  that  sense :     i  know  there’s  gonna  be  some  that  don’t  agree  and  that’s  fine  but  before  stirring  some  sides  about  this,   again  this  is  just  my  personal  psa  for  my  max’s  proper  portrayal  and  comfort.   so  hear  me  out .  pls  dont  hate  me  lmao

 if   you  are  a  billy  writer  and  i’ve  talked  to  you  over  ims  and  have  read  my  headcanon  of  billy  and   billy’s  dad  then  you  probably  have  the  idea  that    max  does  not  like  nor  can  never  forgive  her  step   brother  whatsoever.   to  sum  it  short  please  refer  to  this    (     important  post    )   by   @turnedbabe​ .   but  to  break  it   down  regarding  max:   there  is  no  relationship  of  sibling  there.   with  the  knowledge   of  abuse,   max  was  emotionally  abused  and   because  billy  knows  he   can’t  hurt  max   –––-   he  hurt   others  around  her,  and  that’s  a  form  of  hurting  her  internally  not  to  mention  he  hurt  a   POC  specifically  for  that  reason.   yes,    he  was  damaged  because  of  his  father.   yes,   a  part  of  why  he  is  the  way  he  is:  is  because  of  neil.    yes,   he  also  could  change  /   needs  help  one  day  but  that  didn’t  give  him  the  right  to  treat  others  the  way  he  does.  it  doesn’t  change  the  fact  that  he’s  done  all  the  unforgivable  things  he’s  done  despite  having  the  ‘argument’   of   being   ‘a  mirror  of  his  dad’   which  you  can  read  from  my  first  post .   unlike  other  characters  that  are  damaged  i  just  feel  that  billy  had  a  choice  to   NOT  BE  LIKE  HIS  DAD.   steve  and  billy  are  two   COMPLETELY  different  people  but  if  you  want  an  example:   they  both  have  shitty  dads,   mess  of  a  family.   sure  steve’s  had  a  past  of  being  a  dick  as  seen  in  earlier  season  one  but  is  nowhere  a  smidge  NEAR  what  billy  is.   he  chose   NOT  to  be  like  his  dad  and  instead,  a  better  version  of  himself.   but  with  what  billy  is  shown  as,   redemption   is  hard  gain/give  to  a  person  like  billy.  and  if  you  read  my  first  headcanon  post:   max  has  given  up  trying  to  understand  him  and  instead  SHE  HAS  TO  PROTECT  HERSELF  from  him ,    and  not  only  her  now  but  her  friends  too  because  of  the  way  she  was  treated.   ABSOLUTELY  NO  ONE  CAN  BLAME  HER  for  that.  we  don’t  know  his  full  story  for  sure  i   get  that,   but  through  a  13  yr  old’s  eyes,   fear  and  anger  is  there.  he  may  not  hate  her  sure,   but  arguments  like  protection?   to  max’s  eyes,  it  was  threats  and  fear  that  struck  her  which  causes  trauma  to  a  young  teen  as  well  as  others  which  is  sad .   another  thing  i  see  around  alot  is  that  his  ‘sexuality’  is  also  another  reason  for  his  behaviour  which  i  absolutely  find  baffling  because  it  has   NOTHING   to  do  with  that.   his  sexuality   and  not  being  ‘out’  is  a  part  of  his  being  but  not  a  part  of  the  person  he’s  become.  related  but  TWO  completely  different  arguments  and  is  definitely  not  an   excuse,  if  anything  the  closest  excuse  that’s  valid  is  his  dad,   but  to  say  that  he  is  an  angsty  teen  who  isnt   out  of  the  closet    is  not  really  a  good  excuse  for  giving  him  redemption  for  the  person  he  is   and  things  he’s  done.      

idk,  as  much  as  i  want  to  go  on  much  deeper,  thats  all  i  could  really  say  that  was  important  that  related  max   greatly.   kudos  because  this  was  hard  to  talk  about/explain  but  if  you  wanna  talk  about  it  more,   my  ims  and  inbox  are  always  open,  for  constructive  critism  only  so  long  as  you  can  justify  it  which  i  could  definitely  try to  understand  and  even  plot ,     not  pointless   commentary .     read  my  first  post  to  connect  it  with  this  one  so  it  makes  more  sense.

[ofhanbiin-blog]

[ jenna marbles vc ] eyy bby,, my name’s haylee ( she & her ), i live in the good ol’ est timezone, & im basically trash ?? i actually have a picture on my phone of me in a garbage bag at work,, like ?? throw me out w the garbage thANK. but also, i’m super duper excited 2 be a part of this rp & im even more excited 2 get the chance 2 meet all of u lovely people :’) just a heads up tho, i’ll probably talk abt my dog all the time,, bc he’s my son & i love him so much. pls dont h8 me 4 that. okay !! below the cut, you’ll find some stuff abt hanbin, my lil child who just,, needs some stability in their life, honestly :~( also i’m probably gna be at work when i post this – & i work on saturday too,, but i’ll still b around to plot,, bc ,,,, work’s dead shh pls don’t tell my boss. ok ily !! & im sorry this bio 4 hanbin got super lengthy ?? & be on the lookout 4 a stats & official bio page & a connections page as well !! i just have 2 set them all up,,, pls bear w me ^^

TW : ABUSE, SUICIDE MENTION, DRUG USE, VERY BRIEF MENTION OF MENTAL ILLNESS       ( pls tread carefully !! & if i’ve missed any triggers, let me know )

biography !! 

hanbin was born in milan, second to their older sister ( choi sunmi ), who was already three at the time !! due to their closeness in age, the two got along really well & hanbin loved her sm ? they did everything together, basically. their parents were amused by this, & found it cute, giving them the excuse to match their outfits – their parents were wealthy clothing designers ( they moved to milan together after having gotten married,, ) & oddly enough, they never planned on settling down, nor having children. sunmi was more so an “ accident, ” & they let that slip once in the middle of an argument & she was never quite able to let it go. :~// 

despite their parents travelling a lot for work, hanbin & their sister have hardly travelled – their parents would opt for a nanny, paying them a large sum to look after their b e l o v e d children. because of this, both children’s relationships with their parents declined, to the point where it was almost nonexistent for a while. hanbin didn’t mind too much, though they still have memories of one particular night, after a terrible nightmare. they’d crawled into bed with their sister & she held them until they managed to calm down & eventually fell back asleep. she was their rock & they tried so desperately to be hers. 

sunmi was eleven when her father first hit her. the initial blow led to shock & resentment on her father’s behalf, yet it was fleeting, only lasted for a few days before the second strike happened, & from there on out, sunmi was hit as a form of punishment. it began as them being frustrated over her academics, then turned into anything – her father would find an excuse in even the smallest of mistakes. bruises were hidden beneath long sleeves & pants, & she was able to hide the abuse from her brother, up until she was fifteen. four years of physical abuse had already taken place, yet hanbin finally saw their father hit sunmi with their own eyes, noted the way she apologized after, as if it was her fault. while they were only twelve at the time, they attempted to comprehend all that they could – they knew their father wasn’t right, & that what they were doing was hurting her. they tried to stand up to their father following the incident, but was ridiculed & struck themself. the following day, they awoke to find their sister had fled home, having only left a note for them beneath their pillow. she mentioned that she was somewhere safe, & hanbin wanted so desperately to not only believe it, but to go with her. 

two weeks following her leave, there was a story on the news. something about a teen who’d drowned herself in a nearby body of water. hanbin remembers hearing the story & thinking of the poor family experiencing such a tragic loss – only to find out, that teen was their sister & from then on, their life changed entirely. they began to withdraw & whenever they did talk, it was laced in malice, directed in hate toward their parents for the most part. they held a funeral & their parents put on a show, crying & saying that they had no idea why their darling little daughter would do such a thing – hanbin was disgusted. 

they were seventeen when they applied for university in south korea. it wasn’t their first choice school – they didn’t really even want to attend post-secondary, tbh ? they just needed the excuse to leave – an out, if you will. their parents, albeit with their heartless, neglectful nature, offered hanbin money, providing them annually with enough to not only move to gangnam, but to live on their own ( he doesn’t have a roommate currently,, but he lets ppl crash at his place – which is a two bedroom studio apartment – aLL the time tbh ) while attending university as well,, though they did this mainly because they threatened to tarnish their name by taking the story of their sister’s abuse public – they still hold onto all evidence they’d managed to collect – photos, voice memos from their sister, etc. the only reason they haven’t done anything with them yet, is bc they’re living off of their parents’ money. it’s complicated & they loathe themself for not getting justice for their sister,, hence how they came across their t e r r i b l e coping habits. 

upon moving to gangnam ( hanbin was eighteen ), they made a few friends – admittedly within a more i n t e n s e crowd, & they ended up experimenting with drugs. it began with weed & when that didn’t particularly satisfy them, they turned to cocaine. they felt enamoured with the euphoria it provided & slowly but surely, chasing that high consumed them. they wouldn’t just seek it through drugs however, they’d seek it through doing reckless things – adrenaline made hanbin feel alive, like they could toy with death all they wanted, because deep down, they felt like they had nothing left to live for ?? 

they visit their parents every now & again – they don’t enjoy being around each other, but their family does get together on holidays, & hanbin’s expected to show up, prim & proper & wearing a smile that’s so incredibly fake. they essentially have to look pretty so that everyone assumes they’re fine ? the thing is,, they wear this ring around their thumb, & on the top part of it, there’s a nice looking gem – the gem opens, & in there, they normally keep some cocaine :~// bc when they find that these meet ups are too stressful,, they’ll disappear into the bathroom, snort a line, & come back out, ready to face their relatives. :~( 

oh ! because of this habit though, they’re prone to getting nosebleeds & sometimes has difficulty smelling certain things. their voice also sounds more gravelly & it’s just ?? v sad idk i want hanbin 2 feel okay ;-; & learn to cope in healthier ways u know ?? 

recently !! hanbin’s mother reached out to them, expressing that she’s incredibly sorry for all that’s happened – hanbin was incredibly reluctant at first, but in time they came to trust her again & the two are on better terms now. not the best, nor is it even remotely close to what they pictured for themself as a child, but it’s something. the reconnection did little to hinder their coping methods however !! also, they sort of want to repair the relationship with their dad, or at least mend things to a point where they can get closure !! but they’re far too stubborn to confront their dad about things rn. 

personality !! 

if ur still w me rn, i love u :’) & i’m sorRY this got so long. i’ll keep these brief, ok. 

hanbin’s super impulsive & will probably go out 2 buy a car if u so much as mention one ?? they also love dressing nicely & very formally ?? just bc it’s part of their aesthetic,, rip. they’re a ho 4 the rich kid aesthetic. 

they smoke as well, but it’s more social than anything ?? 

they don’t own a cat, but really, really want one !! or a small dog. they don’t want a big animal ( which,, wyd, big animals are adorable hanbin )

they’ve never worked a day in their life !! what a luxURY

they actually suffer from bipolar disorder, though they haven’t been clinically diagnosed.

they’re super vain & put on a show about loving themself & thinking they’re the best,, when really, they hate themself & just wants some1 to tell them they didn’t help kill their sister – they’re under the impression it’s their fault,, but keeps that to themself bc they don’t like to let people in :~( 

i think that’s about it for now,, im still developing hanbin, but like ?? im so excited ok ily thank u for reading !! 

[shenanigenfilms]

Crawling in My Skin – The voice of a Generation

I was already having a pretty emotional day on the 20th of July 2017, which I wont get to much into because it all worked out in the end. I finally sit down on my commuter train from London to Brighton, rubbing my temples from my day, trying to ease a tension headache when my best mate of like 13 years writes me and says

“So is it true Chester from Linkin Park hung himself?” I just sat there for a moment staring at her message, the Sun peaking behind broken clouds causing a reflection on my screen to flash in my eyes. Finally I snap out of it and check the Internet and it’s all over the place, TMZ, BBC, CNN and I knew it wasn’t a hoax, although I desperately wanted it to be. In that moment I didn’t feel anything. She kept asking me if I was ok because she knew that was like my band, especially when it came to coping through music. Hell less than I year ago I got one of their lesser-known logos tattooed behind my ear.

I didn’t feel anything all night until I was actually telling my mom about my connection to the band and especially to one particular song. But I worried it was just me, didnt want to seem like a weirdo, plus I knew id get some crap from the Ex if I said anything. But I then saw the next morning while srolling through various social media accounts just how many people my age and slightly younger were moved and upset by his passing. These were not just people who I knew were into alternative music, no this was everyone from several different countries and social backgrounds and tastes. Thats when it struck me, he was the voice of my generation for people who needed that scream in anger but calm soothing in peace on the other side of the coin in that voice Chester had. Some songs lyrics could be crushing, others could be uplifting. So I thought I would share something about my past that I really don’t write about, or share…mostly because I’m not that person anymore and have really made some strides in becoming a better person…but it was their music that helped take those first important steps.

In 2000 I was sexually assaulted by one of my close guy friends…I wont go into to much detail but it happened and it ended very messy legally and we didn’t win the case. That’s all I’m going to say on that. Two years prior I had tried to commit suicide and this was something that him and me confided in each other and was one of the basis to our friendship, he was hurting and I wanted to help him. But he betrayed that trust. Later that school year in the spring I was struggling to bad to know which way was up. I felt like I was going out of my mind and I felt like I wanted to die again. I had nothing to live for, no one believed me, I felt like I was the laughing stock at school, and the pain and guilt hurt so much I just couldn’t stand it anymore.

I checked myself into the “fourth floor” mental unit in a hospital in Kansas City, MO Now this was the days before the Internet was in its hay day and things like that, so we had an hour of creative time before we had our next group chat session. And I heard Crawling come on the radio.

I had heard the song “One step closer” because it was actually my brother that had the CD first. But this was different, it was like he was coming through the speakers and talking to me!  Lines like “wounds they will not heal, confusing what is real” I mean things I said in group almost word for word! I stared at the old-school silver and back stereo like it was a tv, hanging on every word that came out. If it was a scene in a film the camera would have just slowly tracked in on the speaker and then cut back to me, going back and forth.  I desperately waited for the DJ to tell the name of the song and the band and I frantically looked for a pencil to write it down in my journal. I eventually after two weeks was cleared to leave and head back to school. I stole my brothers CD and played the album Hybrid Theory to death, especially the song “Crawling”.

I still struggled with self-harming for a year or so after, but their songs moved me. Now some could read this and scoff and go “oh wow angsty much?” but you have a flood of very adult emotions and experiences hit your still developing 15-year-old brain and then get back to me.

I graduated high school in 2003, but then in 2005 I was diagnosed with Epilepsy.  I was actually ok with this because at least this was a tangible condition I could fix and try to deal with; where as mental health is like fighting an invisible demon. They think that my diagnosis was delayed because of my battle with being bipolar and a lot of anti-convuslants also deal with depression. But through art I dealt with my condition with writing a stage play called “Life with Eddie” which was a young kid that gets an aura (warning when seizure is coming) in the form of a fellow kid called Eddie (which is actually his epilepsy) Anyway once again the song “crawling” came back into my life. This time was now the Reanimated remix that was slower and more orchestral.

I moved to Colorado after that in 2006 and started going to Colorado film school. and to date i had made at least 3 video project to Linkin park, not just because i was a fan, im a huge fan of Evanescence, its just their stuff is so visual and once again their lyrics inspired me. but i remember i had a ring tong to “what I’ve done” and then finally after that in 2010 i moved to England, got a civil partnership in 2011, that sadly I’ve lost and cope with you guessed it a Linkin Park song. I wish i had some poetic way of ending this post...but alas I don’t.

Mental health is something I’m very passionate about, I still struggle with suicide and depression to this very day. I wont lie there are days i feel so overwhelmed that i just stand that little step closer to the platform edge at the train station. but when I’m in a clearer head I actually fear death. I guess the moral of story is everyone deals with depression and inner demons differently. Mine is self harm, not any more really, and I’m blessed hasn’t progressed into substance abuse. but when you are that low, its like being drunk or high, you are not in the right mind. you are blind to normal thoughts like “family and friends that love you.”  until you are standing at the edge of your own platform, please don’t judge or criticism. Chester sorry you couldn't handle your demons, but thank you for helping me cope with mine

[pitz182]

Is AA Too Religious for Generation Z?

Are today’s mutual-aid recovery groups ready to satisfy Generation-next?“More than any other generation before them, Gen Z does not assert a religious identity. They might be drawn to things spiritual, but with a vastly different starting point from previous generations, many of whom received a basic education on the Bible and Christianity. And it shows: The percentage of Gen Z that identifies as atheist is double that of the U.S. adult population.”Released early this year, Barna Group’s Generation-Z Report (Americans born between 1999 and 2015) surveyed over 2,000 13 to 18-year-olds. The oldest of this generation turn 20 in 2019.According to AA’s most recent triennial membership survey, 1% of AA is under 21—that’s about 20,000 sober teenagers in AA rooms right now. What’s my personal affinity with this demographic? It’s two-fold: I have two millennial children and one 18-year-old stepson; secondly, while I am a grey-haired Baby Boomer, I was a teen at my first 12-step meeting. My 20th birthday was 1980, three months shy of my fourth anniversary clean and sober.I was a second-generation AA member and—like Barna’s youth focus group—my worldview seemed incompatible with the old fogies of 12-step rooms. My mother mused about finding god’s will for her from meditation or her daily horoscope. She was such a Virgo, you know. Horoscopes, higher powers, legends of Sasquatch, these were all fictional symbols as far as I was concerned. Reasonable people didn’t take such constructs literally, did they?Bob K, like me, is a second-generation AA. He’s currently between historical book projects; Key Players in AA History will soon have a prequel. Bob’s follow-up research will produce a book about pre-AA addiction and treatment. At age 40, Bob made it into AA as a result of his dad 12-stepping him. He also was uncomfortable with the emphasis on "God." “When I was a month sober, it was ‘God-this, God saved me’ and I was going to put my resignation in. I didn’t think I could stand it in AA any longer. I went to the internet of the day—which back then was the library—and I looked for non-religious alternatives to AA. They had them in California but nothing in Ontario Canada. So it was AA or nothing. If I tried to brave it alone, I’d be drunk; I knew it.”Today, Bob enjoys the likeminded company at his Secular AA home group, Whitby Freethinkers, which meets in the local suburban library just East of Toronto. If I were confronting addiction/recovery as a teen today, I wonder if I would go to AA or NA? If AA was once “the last house on the block,” today it’s one house in a subdivision of mutual-aid choices. Today, newcomers have access to Refuge Recovery, SMART Recovery, Secular Organizations for Sobriety (SOS), or Medically Assisted Treatment, none of which existed in the 1970s.On Practically Sane, therapist Jeffrey Munn states: “I like to take a practical approach … I’m not a fan of the ‘fluff’ and flowery language that is often associated with the world of psychology and self-help.” Jeffrey came into the rooms at 20, stayed sober for 2 ½ years, relapsed, came back and is now 13 years clean and sober.“I was mandated to three 12-step meetings per week to stay in the program I was in. Since I was young I have been agnostic. I wanted to find a higher power that was common sense-based, but in the rooms I felt pulled towards a more dogmatic spiritual idea of higher power. Back then, I needed to come up with my own conception of what was happening on a psychological level." Recently, Jeffrey wrote and published Staying Sober Without God: the Practical 12 Steps to Long Term Recovery from Alcoholism and Addiction.“I looked at SMART Recovery,” Jeffrey tells The Fix. “I looked at Moderation Management, too—that one struck me as being an organized resentment against AA—I wasn’t feeling it. When it comes down to social support and a practical plan of action, it’s hard to beat 12-step programs. What I try to teach is: if you don’t buy into any kind of a supernatural higher power, navigate the 12-step world, filtering the god-stuff out, working the program in your own way; there is lots that really works.”Barna reports, “Nearly half of teens, on par with Millennials, say, ‘I need factual evidence to support my beliefs.’” Jeffrey hopes Staying Sober Without God—which joins a growing secular 12-step recovery offering—offers the rational narrative today’s youth crave. Barna calls today’s youth “the first truly post-Christian generation [in America].”Certified Master Addiction Counselor David B. Bohl of Milwaukee understands the value of other-oriented care. David tells The Fix: “As head of a 20-bed coed dual-diagnosis treatment center, emerging adults, 18 to 25 years old, came into our care. I wouldn’t say that they universally shrugged off the 12-step approach but almost universally, in reaction to our volunteers, alumni, and traditional AA community, younger clients didn’t want what the volunteers and alumni had. And I wouldn’t say it was the religiosity always. Sometimes it was an age-thing or life approach. So, our recovery management function became that much more important in terms of building individualized treatment that suits everyone.“In the USA, 75% of all residential treatment centers identify as 12-step facilitators,” David tells us. “In the simplest form, our job is to introduce people to the language and the concept of the 12 steps and then to introduce the clients to support groups or people in support groups when they are discharged from acute care.Where trauma is involved—religious trauma in particular—traditional AA language and rituals trigger that shame they feel from negative formal religion experiences.”Let’s put this overbearing religion caution to a real-life test: Suwaida F was the second oldest of 11 children to Somalian refugee parents who fled to Canada in the 1980s.“In Kindergarten I didn’t have to wear a hijab; my parents weren’t super religious. I went to an Islamic school in grade one. It was normal for teachers to have belts with them, they would hit you; child abuse was normalized. They didn’t really teach us that much math, science, history. The Islamic teachers weren’t that educated. My parents took me out and put me in public school. Then, some of my mom’s Somalian-Canadian friends started moving their kids to Egypt. My friends would stay in Egypt two years, finish the Qur’an and the girls came back wearing burqas and head-scarves. Some Muslim friends would come to school in their hijab, take them off and put them back on when they went home. We called them The Transformers.My parents really wanted us to learn the Qur’an; I don’t speak Arabic, so it was difficult. And I never believed it. I asked my mom and dad, ‘How do you know that this stuff is real?’ They got frustrated and mad and said, ‘Don’t ever ask that question again.’ I knew it wasn’t real. Mom got more and more religious. Pictures of her at age 19 -- she wore no head-scarf when she was my age. My mom expected me to be religious and I rebelled. I had to leave home.”Suwaida misses her sisters. She feels unwelcome in the family home unless she is dressed in the Islamic custom and that wouldn’t be true to herself. Away from home, Suwaida found the welcoming community she craved in the booze and cocaine culture.“It wasn’t a matter of having no money; I had no sense of hope. People at work didn’t know I was hopped from shelter to shelter at night. One winter I was told, ‘Suwaida, you’ve been restricted from every youth shelter in the city of Toronto.’” As addiction progressed, Suwaida recalls an ever-descending patterns of compromises, bad relationships and regrets.“Today, it’s like I still never unpack my suitcase; I’m always ready to go.” During a stay at St. Joe’s detox, Suwaida went to her first NA meeting.“At 7 PM, a woman spoke. I made it clear that I thought it was stupid; I wouldn’t share. At the end, everyone was holding hands to pray and I said, ‘I’m not holding any of your hands.’ I didn’t go back. When I was discharged, I went drinking at the bar with my suitcase, not knowing where I was going to stay that night.My second meeting I consider my first, because I chose it. I thought I should go to AA. I googled atheist or freethinker AA to avoid a repeat of my NA experience. I found Beyond Belief Agnostics and Freethinkers Group on the University of Toronto campus. I went there last February. For a while, I had wine in my travel-mug, and I didn’t say anything. In August I felt like the woman beside me knew I was drinking, and I ask myself, ‘What am I doing?’ So, my next meeting, I went sober. I’ve been clean and sober ever since.”Despite the child-violence of Islamic school and rejection from her family, Suwaida isn’t anti-theist. “I do believe in God or in something. I feel like I’m always looking for signs. I don’t believe in a god in the sky but to say there’s nothing beyond all this doesn’t make any sense to me. Sometimes the freakiest things happen. Maybe it’s because I’m a storyteller, I try to make a story out of everything; you think of someone, then they phone you, is that random?I feel a part-of in secular or mainstream AA meetings. My self-talk still sounds like, ‘Don’t share Suwaida, you have nothing to add.’ Maybe it comes from not being able to express myself when I was growing up. I have no sense of self. I guess I have something special to offer but I don’t know how to articulate it. It’s hard; I have limited self-confidence.”“Give them their voice; listen to them,” is Kevin Schaefer’s approach. He co-hosts the podcast Don’t Die Wisconsin. He’s also a recovery coach.“I’ve been in Recovery 29+ years. I’m a substance abuse counselor and I got into addiction treatment through sober living. When I started working in a Suboxone clinic, I came to realize that AA can’t solve everything. I always come from a harm reduction standpoint: meth, cocaine, benzos; I ask, ‘Can you just smoke pot?’ and we start building the trust there.Medically Assisted Treatment (MAT) is geared towards this generation. Most kids coming through my door know a lot about MAT, more so than people in AA with the biases and stigma that they bring. Kids sometimes know more than the front-line social workers. Their friends are on MAT, that’s how they gather their information (not to say their information is all correct). But a lot of therapists don’t understand medication. Medication can be a ticket to survival out on the streets.”The Fix asked Kevin his opinion on the best suited mutual-aid group for this generation.“Most of the generation you’re talking about walks in with anxiety and defiantly won’t do groups.” We talked about the role of online video/voice or text meetings for a tech-native generation. “Yes—where appropriate. Women especially, because from what I’ve seen, most females have suffered from trauma. I have heard women who prefer online recovery; that make sense to me. I’ve been to InTheRooms.com; as professionals we have a duty to know what’s out there. And there are some crazies online.If someone has an Eastern philosophy bent, I’ll send them to Refuge Recovery; I’ve been there. If I can, I’ll set them up with somebody that I know can help them. And let’s not forget that some youth, if Christianity is your thing, Celebrate Recovery is amazing — talk about a community that wraps themselves around the substance user. There are movie nights, food, all kinds of extracurricular activities. The SMART Recovery Movement? Excellent. SMART momentum is building in Milwaukee. They are goal-oriented and the person gets supported whether they’re on Suboxone or, in one case I know, micro-dosing with LSD for depression; they’ll be supported either way. My goal with youth is: ‘Try to get to one meeting this month; start slow.’ Don’t set the bar too high and if they enjoy it, then great.The 12-step meeting I go to, it’s a men’s meeting. There are people there on medication and they don’t get blow-back. I wish more of AA was like this. When I came in, almost 30 years ago now, I saw all the God-stuff on the walls and I thought, ‘Nah, this isn’t going to work’ but thank G… (laughs), thank the Group of Drunks who said, ‘You don’t have to believe in that.’ The range in my meeting is broad—Eastern philosophy, Native American practices, Yoga, I was invited to Transcendental Meditation meetings at members’ houses. I was fortunate to fall into this group. You know, the first book my sponsor gave me was The Tao of Physics—not The Big Book—it was this 70’s book with Buddhism, Taoism, Hinduism, correlated to physics and contemporary science.”So, as to the question that kicked this off, some mutual aid meetings are ready to meet the taste of a new generation; results may vary. Who’s heard: “If you haven’t met anyone you don’t like in AA, you haven’t gone to enough meetings”?The reverse is true, also. If the peer-to-peer meetings I’ve sampled seem too narrow or dogmatic, maybe my search for just the right fit isn’t over. And if I don’t want a face-to-face meeting, there’s always Kevin’s podcast, virtual communities like The Fix, or I can order one of Bob or David or Jeffrey’s books if that’s more to my taste.

[alexdmorgan30]

Is AA Too Religious for Generation Z?

Are today’s mutual-aid recovery groups ready to satisfy Generation-next?“More than any other generation before them, Gen Z does not assert a religious identity. They might be drawn to things spiritual, but with a vastly different starting point from previous generations, many of whom received a basic education on the Bible and Christianity. And it shows: The percentage of Gen Z that identifies as atheist is double that of the U.S. adult population.”Released early this year, Barna Group’s Generation-Z Report (Americans born between 1999 and 2015) surveyed over 2,000 13 to 18-year-olds. The oldest of this generation turn 20 in 2019.According to AA’s most recent triennial membership survey, 1% of AA is under 21—that’s about 20,000 sober teenagers in AA rooms right now. What’s my personal affinity with this demographic? It’s two-fold: I have two millennial children and one 18-year-old stepson; secondly, while I am a grey-haired Baby Boomer, I was a teen at my first 12-step meeting. My 20th birthday was 1980, three months shy of my fourth anniversary clean and sober.I was a second-generation AA member and—like Barna’s youth focus group—my worldview seemed incompatible with the old fogies of 12-step rooms. My mother mused about finding god’s will for her from meditation or her daily horoscope. She was such a Virgo, you know. Horoscopes, higher powers, legends of Sasquatch, these were all fictional symbols as far as I was concerned. Reasonable people didn’t take such constructs literally, did they?Bob K, like me, is a second-generation AA. He’s currently between historical book projects; Key Players in AA History will soon have a prequel. Bob’s follow-up research will produce a book about pre-AA addiction and treatment. At age 40, Bob made it into AA as a result of his dad 12-stepping him. He also was uncomfortable with the emphasis on "God." “When I was a month sober, it was ‘God-this, God saved me’ and I was going to put my resignation in. I didn’t think I could stand it in AA any longer. I went to the internet of the day—which back then was the library—and I looked for non-religious alternatives to AA. They had them in California but nothing in Ontario Canada. So it was AA or nothing. If I tried to brave it alone, I’d be drunk; I knew it.”Today, Bob enjoys the likeminded company at his Secular AA home group, Whitby Freethinkers, which meets in the local suburban library just East of Toronto. If I were confronting addiction/recovery as a teen today, I wonder if I would go to AA or NA? If AA was once “the last house on the block,” today it’s one house in a subdivision of mutual-aid choices. Today, newcomers have access to Refuge Recovery, SMART Recovery, Secular Organizations for Sobriety (SOS), or Medically Assisted Treatment, none of which existed in the 1970s.On Practically Sane, therapist Jeffrey Munn states: “I like to take a practical approach … I’m not a fan of the ‘fluff’ and flowery language that is often associated with the world of psychology and self-help.” Jeffrey came into the rooms at 20, stayed sober for 2 ½ years, relapsed, came back and is now 13 years clean and sober.“I was mandated to three 12-step meetings per week to stay in the program I was in. Since I was young I have been agnostic. I wanted to find a higher power that was common sense-based, but in the rooms I felt pulled towards a more dogmatic spiritual idea of higher power. Back then, I needed to come up with my own conception of what was happening on a psychological level." Recently, Jeffrey wrote and published Staying Sober Without God: the Practical 12 Steps to Long Term Recovery from Alcoholism and Addiction.“I looked at SMART Recovery,” Jeffrey tells The Fix. “I looked at Moderation Management, too—that one struck me as being an organized resentment against AA—I wasn’t feeling it. When it comes down to social support and a practical plan of action, it’s hard to beat 12-step programs. What I try to teach is: if you don’t buy into any kind of a supernatural higher power, navigate the 12-step world, filtering the god-stuff out, working the program in your own way; there is lots that really works.”Barna reports, “Nearly half of teens, on par with Millennials, say, ‘I need factual evidence to support my beliefs.’” Jeffrey hopes Staying Sober Without God—which joins a growing secular 12-step recovery offering—offers the rational narrative today’s youth crave. Barna calls today’s youth “the first truly post-Christian generation [in America].”Certified Master Addiction Counselor David B. Bohl of Milwaukee understands the value of other-oriented care. David tells The Fix: “As head of a 20-bed coed dual-diagnosis treatment center, emerging adults, 18 to 25 years old, came into our care. I wouldn’t say that they universally shrugged off the 12-step approach but almost universally, in reaction to our volunteers, alumni, and traditional AA community, younger clients didn’t want what the volunteers and alumni had. And I wouldn’t say it was the religiosity always. Sometimes it was an age-thing or life approach. So, our recovery management function became that much more important in terms of building individualized treatment that suits everyone.“In the USA, 75% of all residential treatment centers identify as 12-step facilitators,” David tells us. “In the simplest form, our job is to introduce people to the language and the concept of the 12 steps and then to introduce the clients to support groups or people in support groups when they are discharged from acute care.Where trauma is involved—religious trauma in particular—traditional AA language and rituals trigger that shame they feel from negative formal religion experiences.”Let’s put this overbearing religion caution to a real-life test: Suwaida F was the second oldest of 11 children to Somalian refugee parents who fled to Canada in the 1980s.“In Kindergarten I didn’t have to wear a hijab; my parents weren’t super religious. I went to an Islamic school in grade one. It was normal for teachers to have belts with them, they would hit you; child abuse was normalized. They didn’t really teach us that much math, science, history. The Islamic teachers weren’t that educated. My parents took me out and put me in public school. Then, some of my mom’s Somalian-Canadian friends started moving their kids to Egypt. My friends would stay in Egypt two years, finish the Qur’an and the girls came back wearing burqas and head-scarves. Some Muslim friends would come to school in their hijab, take them off and put them back on when they went home. We called them The Transformers.My parents really wanted us to learn the Qur’an; I don’t speak Arabic, so it was difficult. And I never believed it. I asked my mom and dad, ‘How do you know that this stuff is real?’ They got frustrated and mad and said, ‘Don’t ever ask that question again.’ I knew it wasn’t real. Mom got more and more religious. Pictures of her at age 19 -- she wore no head-scarf when she was my age. My mom expected me to be religious and I rebelled. I had to leave home.”Suwaida misses her sisters. She feels unwelcome in the family home unless she is dressed in the Islamic custom and that wouldn’t be true to herself. Away from home, Suwaida found the welcoming community she craved in the booze and cocaine culture.“It wasn’t a matter of having no money; I had no sense of hope. People at work didn’t know I was hopped from shelter to shelter at night. One winter I was told, ‘Suwaida, you’ve been restricted from every youth shelter in the city of Toronto.’” As addiction progressed, Suwaida recalls an ever-descending patterns of compromises, bad relationships and regrets.“Today, it’s like I still never unpack my suitcase; I’m always ready to go.” During a stay at St. Joe’s detox, Suwaida went to her first NA meeting.“At 7 PM, a woman spoke. I made it clear that I thought it was stupid; I wouldn’t share. At the end, everyone was holding hands to pray and I said, ‘I’m not holding any of your hands.’ I didn’t go back. When I was discharged, I went drinking at the bar with my suitcase, not knowing where I was going to stay that night.My second meeting I consider my first, because I chose it. I thought I should go to AA. I googled atheist or freethinker AA to avoid a repeat of my NA experience. I found Beyond Belief Agnostics and Freethinkers Group on the University of Toronto campus. I went there last February. For a while, I had wine in my travel-mug, and I didn’t say anything. In August I felt like the woman beside me knew I was drinking, and I ask myself, ‘What am I doing?’ So, my next meeting, I went sober. I’ve been clean and sober ever since.”Despite the child-violence of Islamic school and rejection from her family, Suwaida isn’t anti-theist. “I do believe in God or in something. I feel like I’m always looking for signs. I don’t believe in a god in the sky but to say there’s nothing beyond all this doesn’t make any sense to me. Sometimes the freakiest things happen. Maybe it’s because I’m a storyteller, I try to make a story out of everything; you think of someone, then they phone you, is that random?I feel a part-of in secular or mainstream AA meetings. My self-talk still sounds like, ‘Don’t share Suwaida, you have nothing to add.’ Maybe it comes from not being able to express myself when I was growing up. I have no sense of self. I guess I have something special to offer but I don’t know how to articulate it. It’s hard; I have limited self-confidence.”“Give them their voice; listen to them,” is Kevin Schaefer’s approach. He co-hosts the podcast Don’t Die Wisconsin. He’s also a recovery coach.“I’ve been in Recovery 29+ years. I’m a substance abuse counselor and I got into addiction treatment through sober living. When I started working in a Suboxone clinic, I came to realize that AA can’t solve everything. I always come from a harm reduction standpoint: meth, cocaine, benzos; I ask, ‘Can you just smoke pot?’ and we start building the trust there.Medically Assisted Treatment (MAT) is geared towards this generation. Most kids coming through my door know a lot about MAT, more so than people in AA with the biases and stigma that they bring. Kids sometimes know more than the front-line social workers. Their friends are on MAT, that’s how they gather their information (not to say their information is all correct). But a lot of therapists don’t understand medication. Medication can be a ticket to survival out on the streets.”The Fix asked Kevin his opinion on the best suited mutual-aid group for this generation.“Most of the generation you’re talking about walks in with anxiety and defiantly won’t do groups.” We talked about the role of online video/voice or text meetings for a tech-native generation. “Yes—where appropriate. Women especially, because from what I’ve seen, most females have suffered from trauma. I have heard women who prefer online recovery; that make sense to me. I’ve been to InTheRooms.com; as professionals we have a duty to know what’s out there. And there are some crazies online.If someone has an Eastern philosophy bent, I’ll send them to Refuge Recovery; I’ve been there. If I can, I’ll set them up with somebody that I know can help them. And let’s not forget that some youth, if Christianity is your thing, Celebrate Recovery is amazing — talk about a community that wraps themselves around the substance user. There are movie nights, food, all kinds of extracurricular activities. The SMART Recovery Movement? Excellent. SMART momentum is building in Milwaukee. They are goal-oriented and the person gets supported whether they’re on Suboxone or, in one case I know, micro-dosing with LSD for depression; they’ll be supported either way. My goal with youth is: ‘Try to get to one meeting this month; start slow.’ Don’t set the bar too high and if they enjoy it, then great.The 12-step meeting I go to, it’s a men’s meeting. There are people there on medication and they don’t get blow-back. I wish more of AA was like this. When I came in, almost 30 years ago now, I saw all the God-stuff on the walls and I thought, ‘Nah, this isn’t going to work’ but thank G… (laughs), thank the Group of Drunks who said, ‘You don’t have to believe in that.’ The range in my meeting is broad—Eastern philosophy, Native American practices, Yoga, I was invited to Transcendental Meditation meetings at members’ houses. I was fortunate to fall into this group. You know, the first book my sponsor gave me was The Tao of Physics—not The Big Book—it was this 70’s book with Buddhism, Taoism, Hinduism, correlated to physics and contemporary science.”So, as to the question that kicked this off, some mutual aid meetings are ready to meet the taste of a new generation; results may vary. Who’s heard: “If you haven’t met anyone you don’t like in AA, you haven’t gone to enough meetings”?The reverse is true, also. If the peer-to-peer meetings I’ve sampled seem too narrow or dogmatic, maybe my search for just the right fit isn’t over. And if I don’t want a face-to-face meeting, there’s always Kevin’s podcast, virtual communities like The Fix, or I can order one of Bob or David or Jeffrey’s books if that’s more to my taste.

from RSSMix.com Mix ID 8241841 http://bit.ly/2B5JhVm

[emlydunstan]

Is AA Too Religious for Generation Z?

Are today’s mutual-aid recovery groups ready to satisfy Generation-next?“More than any other generation before them, Gen Z does not assert a religious identity. They might be drawn to things spiritual, but with a vastly different starting point from previous generations, many of whom received a basic education on the Bible and Christianity. And it shows: The percentage of Gen Z that identifies as atheist is double that of the U.S. adult population.”Released early this year, Barna Group’s Generation-Z Report (Americans born between 1999 and 2015) surveyed over 2,000 13 to 18-year-olds. The oldest of this generation turn 20 in 2019.According to AA’s most recent triennial membership survey, 1% of AA is under 21—that’s about 20,000 sober teenagers in AA rooms right now. What’s my personal affinity with this demographic? It’s two-fold: I have two millennial children and one 18-year-old stepson; secondly, while I am a grey-haired Baby Boomer, I was a teen at my first 12-step meeting. My 20th birthday was 1980, three months shy of my fourth anniversary clean and sober.I was a second-generation AA member and—like Barna’s youth focus group—my worldview seemed incompatible with the old fogies of 12-step rooms. My mother mused about finding god’s will for her from meditation or her daily horoscope. She was such a Virgo, you know. Horoscopes, higher powers, legends of Sasquatch, these were all fictional symbols as far as I was concerned. Reasonable people didn’t take such constructs literally, did they?Bob K, like me, is a second-generation AA. He’s currently between historical book projects; Key Players in AA History will soon have a prequel. Bob’s follow-up research will produce a book about pre-AA addiction and treatment. At age 40, Bob made it into AA as a result of his dad 12-stepping him. He also was uncomfortable with the emphasis on "God." “When I was a month sober, it was ‘God-this, God saved me’ and I was going to put my resignation in. I didn’t think I could stand it in AA any longer. I went to the internet of the day—which back then was the library—and I looked for non-religious alternatives to AA. They had them in California but nothing in Ontario Canada. So it was AA or nothing. If I tried to brave it alone, I’d be drunk; I knew it.”Today, Bob enjoys the likeminded company at his Secular AA home group, Whitby Freethinkers, which meets in the local suburban library just East of Toronto. If I were confronting addiction/recovery as a teen today, I wonder if I would go to AA or NA? If AA was once “the last house on the block,” today it’s one house in a subdivision of mutual-aid choices. Today, newcomers have access to Refuge Recovery, SMART Recovery, Secular Organizations for Sobriety (SOS), or Medically Assisted Treatment, none of which existed in the 1970s.On Practically Sane, therapist Jeffrey Munn states: “I like to take a practical approach … I’m not a fan of the ‘fluff’ and flowery language that is often associated with the world of psychology and self-help.” Jeffrey came into the rooms at 20, stayed sober for 2 ½ years, relapsed, came back and is now 13 years clean and sober.“I was mandated to three 12-step meetings per week to stay in the program I was in. Since I was young I have been agnostic. I wanted to find a higher power that was common sense-based, but in the rooms I felt pulled towards a more dogmatic spiritual idea of higher power. Back then, I needed to come up with my own conception of what was happening on a psychological level." Recently, Jeffrey wrote and published Staying Sober Without God: the Practical 12 Steps to Long Term Recovery from Alcoholism and Addiction.“I looked at SMART Recovery,” Jeffrey tells The Fix. “I looked at Moderation Management, too—that one struck me as being an organized resentment against AA—I wasn’t feeling it. When it comes down to social support and a practical plan of action, it’s hard to beat 12-step programs. What I try to teach is: if you don’t buy into any kind of a supernatural higher power, navigate the 12-step world, filtering the god-stuff out, working the program in your own way; there is lots that really works.”Barna reports, “Nearly half of teens, on par with Millennials, say, ‘I need factual evidence to support my beliefs.’” Jeffrey hopes Staying Sober Without God—which joins a growing secular 12-step recovery offering—offers the rational narrative today’s youth crave. Barna calls today’s youth “the first truly post-Christian generation [in America].”Certified Master Addiction Counselor David B. Bohl of Milwaukee understands the value of other-oriented care. David tells The Fix: “As head of a 20-bed coed dual-diagnosis treatment center, emerging adults, 18 to 25 years old, came into our care. I wouldn’t say that they universally shrugged off the 12-step approach but almost universally, in reaction to our volunteers, alumni, and traditional AA community, younger clients didn’t want what the volunteers and alumni had. And I wouldn’t say it was the religiosity always. Sometimes it was an age-thing or life approach. So, our recovery management function became that much more important in terms of building individualized treatment that suits everyone.“In the USA, 75% of all residential treatment centers identify as 12-step facilitators,” David tells us. “In the simplest form, our job is to introduce people to the language and the concept of the 12 steps and then to introduce the clients to support groups or people in support groups when they are discharged from acute care.Where trauma is involved—religious trauma in particular—traditional AA language and rituals trigger that shame they feel from negative formal religion experiences.”Let’s put this overbearing religion caution to a real-life test: Suwaida F was the second oldest of 11 children to Somalian refugee parents who fled to Canada in the 1980s.“In Kindergarten I didn’t have to wear a hijab; my parents weren’t super religious. I went to an Islamic school in grade one. It was normal for teachers to have belts with them, they would hit you; child abuse was normalized. They didn’t really teach us that much math, science, history. The Islamic teachers weren’t that educated. My parents took me out and put me in public school. Then, some of my mom’s Somalian-Canadian friends started moving their kids to Egypt. My friends would stay in Egypt two years, finish the Qur’an and the girls came back wearing burqas and head-scarves. Some Muslim friends would come to school in their hijab, take them off and put them back on when they went home. We called them The Transformers.My parents really wanted us to learn the Qur’an; I don’t speak Arabic, so it was difficult. And I never believed it. I asked my mom and dad, ‘How do you know that this stuff is real?’ They got frustrated and mad and said, ‘Don’t ever ask that question again.’ I knew it wasn’t real. Mom got more and more religious. Pictures of her at age 19 -- she wore no head-scarf when she was my age. My mom expected me to be religious and I rebelled. I had to leave home.”Suwaida misses her sisters. She feels unwelcome in the family home unless she is dressed in the Islamic custom and that wouldn’t be true to herself. Away from home, Suwaida found the welcoming community she craved in the booze and cocaine culture.“It wasn’t a matter of having no money; I had no sense of hope. People at work didn’t know I was hopped from shelter to shelter at night. One winter I was told, ‘Suwaida, you’ve been restricted from every youth shelter in the city of Toronto.’” As addiction progressed, Suwaida recalls an ever-descending patterns of compromises, bad relationships and regrets.“Today, it’s like I still never unpack my suitcase; I’m always ready to go.” During a stay at St. Joe’s detox, Suwaida went to her first NA meeting.“At 7 PM, a woman spoke. I made it clear that I thought it was stupid; I wouldn’t share. At the end, everyone was holding hands to pray and I said, ‘I’m not holding any of your hands.’ I didn’t go back. When I was discharged, I went drinking at the bar with my suitcase, not knowing where I was going to stay that night.My second meeting I consider my first, because I chose it. I thought I should go to AA. I googled atheist or freethinker AA to avoid a repeat of my NA experience. I found Beyond Belief Agnostics and Freethinkers Group on the University of Toronto campus. I went there last February. For a while, I had wine in my travel-mug, and I didn’t say anything. In August I felt like the woman beside me knew I was drinking, and I ask myself, ‘What am I doing?’ So, my next meeting, I went sober. I’ve been clean and sober ever since.”Despite the child-violence of Islamic school and rejection from her family, Suwaida isn’t anti-theist. “I do believe in God or in something. I feel like I’m always looking for signs. I don’t believe in a god in the sky but to say there’s nothing beyond all this doesn’t make any sense to me. Sometimes the freakiest things happen. Maybe it’s because I’m a storyteller, I try to make a story out of everything; you think of someone, then they phone you, is that random?I feel a part-of in secular or mainstream AA meetings. My self-talk still sounds like, ‘Don’t share Suwaida, you have nothing to add.’ Maybe it comes from not being able to express myself when I was growing up. I have no sense of self. I guess I have something special to offer but I don’t know how to articulate it. It’s hard; I have limited self-confidence.”“Give them their voice; listen to them,” is Kevin Schaefer’s approach. He co-hosts the podcast Don’t Die Wisconsin. He’s also a recovery coach.“I’ve been in Recovery 29+ years. I’m a substance abuse counselor and I got into addiction treatment through sober living. When I started working in a Suboxone clinic, I came to realize that AA can’t solve everything. I always come from a harm reduction standpoint: meth, cocaine, benzos; I ask, ‘Can you just smoke pot?’ and we start building the trust there.Medically Assisted Treatment (MAT) is geared towards this generation. Most kids coming through my door know a lot about MAT, more so than people in AA with the biases and stigma that they bring. Kids sometimes know more than the front-line social workers. Their friends are on MAT, that’s how they gather their information (not to say their information is all correct). But a lot of therapists don’t understand medication. Medication can be a ticket to survival out on the streets.”The Fix asked Kevin his opinion on the best suited mutual-aid group for this generation.“Most of the generation you’re talking about walks in with anxiety and defiantly won’t do groups.” We talked about the role of online video/voice or text meetings for a tech-native generation. “Yes—where appropriate. Women especially, because from what I’ve seen, most females have suffered from trauma. I have heard women who prefer online recovery; that make sense to me. I’ve been to InTheRooms.com; as professionals we have a duty to know what’s out there. And there are some crazies online.If someone has an Eastern philosophy bent, I’ll send them to Refuge Recovery; I’ve been there. If I can, I’ll set them up with somebody that I know can help them. And let’s not forget that some youth, if Christianity is your thing, Celebrate Recovery is amazing — talk about a community that wraps themselves around the substance user. There are movie nights, food, all kinds of extracurricular activities. The SMART Recovery Movement? Excellent. SMART momentum is building in Milwaukee. They are goal-oriented and the person gets supported whether they’re on Suboxone or, in one case I know, micro-dosing with LSD for depression; they’ll be supported either way. My goal with youth is: ‘Try to get to one meeting this month; start slow.’ Don’t set the bar too high and if they enjoy it, then great.The 12-step meeting I go to, it’s a men’s meeting. There are people there on medication and they don’t get blow-back. I wish more of AA was like this. When I came in, almost 30 years ago now, I saw all the God-stuff on the walls and I thought, ‘Nah, this isn’t going to work’ but thank G… (laughs), thank the Group of Drunks who said, ‘You don’t have to believe in that.’ The range in my meeting is broad—Eastern philosophy, Native American practices, Yoga, I was invited to Transcendental Meditation meetings at members’ houses. I was fortunate to fall into this group. You know, the first book my sponsor gave me was The Tao of Physics—not The Big Book—it was this 70’s book with Buddhism, Taoism, Hinduism, correlated to physics and contemporary science.”So, as to the question that kicked this off, some mutual aid meetings are ready to meet the taste of a new generation; results may vary. Who’s heard: “If you haven’t met anyone you don’t like in AA, you haven’t gone to enough meetings”?The reverse is true, also. If the peer-to-peer meetings I’ve sampled seem too narrow or dogmatic, maybe my search for just the right fit isn’t over. And if I don’t want a face-to-face meeting, there’s always Kevin’s podcast, virtual communities like The Fix, or I can order one of Bob or David or Jeffrey’s books if that’s more to my taste.

from RSSMix.com Mix ID 8241841 https://www.thefix.com/aa-too-religious-generation-z

[awesome-legendarystudentcho-blog]

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"first choice car insurance quote

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How much does car insurance really cost?

Some companies like Dashers offer insurance for 18 dollars a month http://www.dashers.com/ is that good enough?

How much does it cost in hospital and delivery without insurance in ca?

How much does it cost in hospital and delivery without insurance in ca?

Can you have more than two car insurance policies in New Jersey?

I am under my dad insurance and so is one of my cars. Is it possible for me to be under another insurance with my other car or thats not possible.

Would a Honda Rebel 250 be a good starting motorcycle?

I still do not have my license. I intend on getting it soon. I've waited too long to get it. But I would like to own a motorcycle instead of a car. I don't live anywhere near the cold so, icy roads aren't a problem. And I am 5 foot 2, so I'm guessing this would be a good choice of motorcycle. Oh, and if you own a motorcycle, could you answer a few questions for me? Do you need a special license for it? And is the insurance a killer? Thanks for all of your help.""

Can anyone tell me Obama's discount rate for Health Insurance?

He states healthcare will be affordable for everyone? What %age discount will we get? How much will insurance be (per month) for those battling chronic diseases that cost in the tens of thousand of $ each month? Do you think those people denied, due to preexisting health conditions, will be able to afford insurance now?""

How can i find affordable private health insurance?

How can i find affordable private health insurance?

I have a question about insurance? Help please?

I just recently got my license, and I'm already listed under my mom's policy. (I'm going to be driving her car.) Anyway, the rate obviously went up because she added me to her policy. But they aren't going to charge her for it until next month. Even though I'm listed under the policy, would I have to wait until next month to drive? Because I haven't technically paid yet for my part of the insurance? Thank you!""

Car insurance for 16 yr old boy?

I want to get a white 5 speed subaru impreza WRX (wagon sport) with turbo (standard). How much do you think this would cost considering that i'm 16 yrs old and the car is white and i get good grades? thanks

How much is an average ttuck insurance quote? ?

I'm planing on geting a 1999 Chevy silverado 1500 and I'm wondering how much insurance is

Affordable Cosmetic dental insurance in NYC ?

I really want cosmetic dental surgery maybe back braces or invisalign, I live in NYC and I just want recommendations for which insurance company to go with. Also I'd really like something affordable. Any information would be helpful :)""

What to know about cars and car insurance?

okay so i will go out to look for a car in a couple of months and i would like to know what look for when buying a car to make sure i will make a good buy, also i would like to find which car insurance would be a good one to get, my mother told me something about paying once a year or every 6 months and i would like to know which are the insurance that offer that type of paying plan and please do tell me if your insurance is good or bad ... we had an issue with allstate when my brother got hit by someone so, allstate is out for me""

How much would private insurance cost for two adults and 1 baby?

My fianc and I would like to get married. About how much would it cost for the two of us and our 14 week old?

""Selling Car, how to do a test drive with no insurance?""

I'm selling my car but it has no insurance or a plate. I live in Alberta, Canada. I know people would like to test drive the vehicle before buying it, is there a way to do this legally?""

Which 600cc motorbikes are the cheapest to insure?

I am 19 years of age and have recently passed my bike test, and am looking for a 600cc fairly nice bike as i have been riding motorbikes since i was really young but i am just wondering if anyone knows of some bikes that are quite cheap on insurance and worth getting, many thanks.""

Will getting a speeding ticket raise my insurance?

Will getting a speeding ticket raise my insurance? I was helping my friend move her car today and got pulled over for going 10 mph + the speed limit (in a different state). I showed the cop her insurance and my license. He said he is going to mail me the ticket. Now, I am wondering after I pay this ticket, will my insurance increase even though this was not my vehicle, vehicle insurance, and it was in a different state (California). Please help with any advice, I cannot have my insurance go up. Cop still gave me ticket even after ten hours of driving and crying afterwards..""

Whats good Health Insurance?

Im 20 a year old woman in college, I recently found out I was pregnant. I want to find affordable health insurance coverage for me and my unborn child. I dont want to rely on ...show more""

How much will insurance go up? ?

How much will insurance go up if you are 18 and just got into an accident with a park car and only hurt there bumper?

CRAZY Insurance Premium! Any way out?

From Toronto, Ontario, I am a 19 y/o male and want my own vehicle. Without paying a crazy insurance rate of $6000+ per year, how can a 3rd vehicle be purchased and licensed under my parent's name (I live with them) having them as the primary driver? The problem is, from what I know, if I am licensed and living at the same address, I will automatically be primary driver of the 3rd vehicle as now there are 3 drivers and 3 vehicles. So what if my parents had 6 cars? There must be some way out..""

Should I get health insurance for psychotherapy?

Assuming that each visit with a clinical psychologist is around $100-150, what is the cheapest method of getting coverage for therapy? I have no health insurance and don't think I could afford it at this time. It seems that the cost of plans with no deductible would be around the same price as paying for treatment out of pocket. Are there any other options for those that can't afford insurance? Something that would involve low monthly payments over a longer period of time? (Hopefully with a low interest rate, if there is one.) If it matters, I am an otherwise healthy 21-year-old and living in southern California. No history of physical illness. I hear that insurance company's can be fickle about pre-existing conditions. Any advice is much appreciated! Thanks! BTW, I don't know anything about health insurance, so excuse the obvious naivety :)""

Do rich people need insurance?

I was just wondering..if they have so much money....do they really need insurance?

Can I drive with my moms insurance?

Can I drive my moms car with her insurance with her in the car with me. Without being added onto her insurance policy?

How much would a BMW increase your insurance every month if you have Nationwide?

Like compared to having a non-luxury import car?

Does anyone know of a great affordable insurance plan with maternity coverage?

I already know about maternity card (no good).

HELP!! IM 19 i need a very cheap car insurance?

hi i recieved a BMW compact 02 plate car as a gift, and i was really happy but now im really upset because i cannot find any cheap car insurance, i quote all the time and the lowest price i get is 5200 for a year and monthly instalments of 468, i wonder where in their brain do they they think i can pay that every month, i work and pay my rent, sky, internet, gas, tax, credit card etc. what must i do i cant afford to pay 468 more on bills. can you please give me websites which can help, and please dont leave any rude comments because i really cant be bothered for u wasting your time , THANK YOU""

first choice car insurance quote

first choice car insurance quote

Does auto insurance cover any vehicle I drive?

I wasn't expecting it but my mom told me she will no longer be driving. Her car is 5 years newer than mine and she told me should take over her car and get rid of mine. Since my car still runs well I felt I would keep it a little longer. I checked with the insurance company and I acted like we are going to sell her vehicle. I just felt it shouldn't matter which car i drove since they are similar in size. The insurance company said I would have to turn in her plates. Does auto insurance cover any car I drive and if I want to keep 2 cars for now do I have to tell the insurance company and will they allow it if I pay more for insurance?

I need help with a car insurance issue?

My boyfriend recently got into an accident with another driver, resulting in no injury to the driver, minimal damage to his parents' truck and side damage to the other drivers' car. That was a week or two ago, he found out today that he has been excluded from his parents insurance plan. This is the first he's heard about it since moving back in with them in November. His parents knew about it though. I'm worried that he may lose his license and also his job. I've tried searching but I found nothing on this. The state is California by the way. I'll appreciate any answers and will give the best answer points (is ten good?).""

Need suggestion for health insurance?

Living in CA. Just want to get individual health insurance in case of any expensive treatments like surgery, hospitalization...so the insurance can have high deductible... In this case, should I consider supplemental insurance like AFLAC?""

Which car insurance companies insure electric cars?

My insurance company will not insure electric cars. Which will?

If your insurance cancels and you reinsure the next day will you get hit with a penalty?

okay im with nationwide and theyre expensive so theyre canceling my insurance on 1/1/08 but i wont have the money to go to my new cheaper insurance until the next day so will i get hit with the 500 dmv fee??/

Affordable insurance in NYC?

My parents need health insurance. They are 50 and 49 years old. Is there anything affordable that you would recommend?

Can I force insurance to pay for rental car if they take too long to make a decision after assessment?

First off I am in CA and the other liable insurance is Farmers or 21st century. For some reason Farmers is handling the claim. Ok, so I was in an accident in which the other party was at fault. As such their insurance has accepted liability. I have already taken my car get an assessment by one of their representatives at a repair place. But do to their stupidity in a few instances, its taking a long time for them to make a decision as to repair my car or call it a total loss. So because of that, in the mean time I am forced to drive my car which I do not feel comfortable driving in. The passanger seat belt doesn't work so I can't commute to school like I usually do. Bottom line is a have been patient when they did their investigation and everything, but its been a while now and my car is still not even in a shop to get fixed. In order to maybe speed up the process and make me feel safer, can I just get a rental car already force the other insurance to pay? After all they are completely liable since it was their driver that was at fault. Why do I have to wait day after day, driving a ruined car, while they take their sweet time making their BS decisions? I know that they legally have to pay for a rental while my car gets repaired, but again they are taking time simply deciding if its a loss or not. So because of them, its not in a shop just yet...., but can I still get a rental car early and have them pay anyway? Maybe that will make em hurry up.""

I just received my license and the cheapest insurance I can find is geico at 295 a month I need something less?

I have a 2002 nissaan maxima im 18 & single I really need something cheaper

Car insurance for a 16 year old???

I live near the Twin Cities in Minnesota, and have a 3.2 G.P.A and would be driving a 1996 4WD Chevrolet Blazer....we got a quote threw Progressive and they said it would be like $400 dollars a month just for no fault there must be some company out there thats cheaper.....Also........Would it be cheaper to go on my dad's insurance....or am i better off having my dad insure me through a different car insurace company. Because he doesnt want his insurance to drop him because if i get in an accident the rates would go way up and he also has other kinds of insurance through that company like home owners insurance and things like that........ -thank you-""

Car insurance for teens. Do I NEED to be listed on my parents policy?

My parents have triple A auto insurance and I have recently gotten my drivers license. I have tried to research the requirements for insurance by law on the California DMV website and the most concrete statement I found was some numbers that cover various damages and injuries (DMV website is not working properly so I cannot look it up). My parents insurance obviously covers the basic and more. However, my parents policy states that Any relative that has consent of the owner to use the insured vehicle is covered by this policy - These are not the exact words as I don't have the policy on me, but it is pretty damn close. In the definitions portion of the policy, it states a relative as anyone related by blood, and some other stuff. I am my parents son so I am obviously related by blood, thus their policy coverage extends on to me when they give me permission to use their vehicle. I did not find ANY California laws that required me to be on the policy. i only found information that said I only need that minimum coverage which my parents policy does provide. We did contact triple A about this and they did not give us a reasonable answer. All they said was that they WANT my parents to add me because THOSE ARE THE RULES. Seems like they just want more money in their pockets. Can someone give some advice? Thanks.""

Car insurance?

So im thinking of getting a car... but im 16 so i know insurance is gonna be insane, and im in MA so its mandatory. Anyways from what i understand it cost way less to get added to your parents policy. But can i do that if im not driving their car, but my own car i bought (not yet)? I cant buy the car in their name... has to be in mine...""

Auto insurance estimate for 5 points?

Hi i have 5 points on my license i live in Baltimore city and drive a 1985 Chevrolet corvette with historic tags insurance with it in my dads name is very cheap even with me as the listed driver but i think my insurance company some how missed that i have 5 points on my license so i am just wondering if anyone has any ball park figures as to what my insurance might be when they see that i have 5 points thanks.

What does the insurance company require to insure property?

What does the insurance company require to insure property?

Car insurance for 16 year old in Seattle?

I am a male. The car i would be driving is a 2000 BMW 323i sedan. I would have USAA insurance. does anybody know roughly how much this would cost?

Does anyone know about California health insurance?

I have severe episodes of tonsillitis about 5-8 times a year (lasts 2wks - 1mo, fever hangs around 102F-104F, pain relief in bones and muscles is impossible with over-the-counter pills) and I have small bouts in between those. I'm no longer going to college because it can get really difficult to attend and keep up with classes. I have no health insurance and my mom only has enough money for bills, my dad is homeless and stays with whoever is charitable enough to house him for the night or so. I'm 20 years old and I hear you have to be disabled or 19 and under with low income parents to receive cheap or free health insurance. I need a tonsillectomy so I can stop being sick constantly. I'm trying desperately to find a job and am keeping it hidden that I'm chronically ill so they'll hire me, but still no luck for the past summer. Is there any type of health insurance I would be eligible for to pay for my ~$2,000 surgery?""

Life insurance on an ailing parent? How do I take out a policy on my mother?

I'm the sole caretaker of my ailing mother, I have no siblings, just a husband, a 4 y/o and a baby on the way. My mother and I have been talking and she needs life insurance. I take care of everything with the household, bills, etc....but I'm kinda unsure what to do about life insurance. Right now I'm about to get power of attorney over everything but I'm inexperienced about the life insurance thing. What are some good companies to go with? What kind do I get? I think she had life insurance when she was working about 5-6 years ago but she has no clue what happened to it..so I'm taking matters into my own hands. Help? She has ALS (Lou Gehrigs).""

Car Insurance questions?

ok i was recently in a car accident , jus a rear end nothing to serious. but the rear of my car is pretty bad. bumper is in bad shape , trunk doesnt open , lights are a bit broken but still work. a guy from the other person's insurance company came to take a look at my car and inspect it and estimate damages. he told me that the car will probably be a total loss. he said someone would call me in 2-3 business days to discuss my options. now i guess i will be paid for what my car is worth , which isnt much prolly no more then a $1000. my question is tho , the guy who came told me that one of my options would be if i wanted to keep the car or not. i want to keep the car , it still runs , it still drives. if i still want to keep my car do i still get paid for the damages?""

Any help with car insurance?

So... I had a 1998 VW beetle that I traded in today for a 2003 VW beetle. I purchased this car in the state that I am currently in for college (MD). In order to purchase the car I had to get a MD tag. My old car is insured under Farm Bureau in NC. Can I transfer my old insurance to cover this car? I am not a Maryland resident, but NC resident. Any help/advise is greatly appreciated. My 98 beetle was in great shape, but the newer car had more additives like sunroof/less miles etc.... The difference was around $5000 that I am having to pay.. Because of the financing I had to get MD tag and such.. Thanks in advance for your help!""

Auto insurance?

what is the best auto insurance out there and why

I'm 17 years old will my insurance go up for a speeding ticket i just recieved?

i was getting away from someone tailgating me, horn blowing etc. for reasons still unsure and i was afraid if i pulled off the road, he would too, so i was in my corvette, i tapped my brakes, nothing and he gigged me so i pulled away and he turned off onto a side road and was i was clocked going 64 in a 45. if i go to traffic school will my insurance not go up much since its my first offense?""

Insurance rates for 17 yr olds?

Since insurance rates are ridiculously high for new drivers like me, I was thinking that if my parents could possibly buy a car for me to drive but put it under their name, and have it insured under their name so its cheaper since they're much older and have a lower insurance rate than I would. But I heard someone said that somehow insurance companies find this out and somehow find a way around this so the tactic i just suggested won't work. Anybody have any experience with this?""

How much will liability insurance pay out if my car is stolen. ?

How much will liability insurance pay out if my car is stolen. ?

How much would insurance for a 2002 chevy tahoe cost? ?

ok im 14 and im taking drivers ed this summer when im 14 1/2 to get my learners permit and for my car im getting a 2002 chevy tahoe or a 2004 Cadillac escalade and i was wondering how much the insurance would be for them? not the full coverage but the liability insurance and we're on state farm insurance and i live in a pretty low crime town in montana so my car probably wouldn't get stolen or broken into

Are there any insurance companies that offer discounts for drivers of hybrid cars?

I know Traveler's does but their rates are really high to start with, so 10% off that is actually a ton more expensive than my regular insurance. I'm looking to insure a 2005 civic hybrid. (which for fair note I love!) Thanks in advance!""

A rough price of my insurance?

I was wondering how much will it cost for me to insure a 1.4-1.6L car.

first choice car insurance quote

first choice car insurance quote

How much is an car insurance per month?

im looking for an cheapfull covered car insurance for an 21 yr old female who is also an first driver and what company would be best thanks the make of the two cars if chosen are ford ka (2011 make) and kia pincanto thanks

How much is insurance if your under 18?

In Ohio and my sister wont b quiet cuz she dont have a job and is broke but I am younger than her and i have 600 dollars 2 save for a car. and she is whining cuz she dont have a job so i was wondering how much is insurance in Ohio

Cheapest car insurance for a minor?

Okay, I'm about to purchase a 1995 Volkswagon Cabrio, but I need insurance on it and I'm only 17. I have a missouri permit currently, but I will have my license as soon as I get the insurence so that I can take the test. If it helps at all I have a 4.5 gpa, near perfect attendence, volunteer work, dual-enrollment credit, and extra-curriculars. I just cannot afford the prices I have been seeing for the few companies that will give me insurance and I would appreciate any suggestions for cheap liability.""

How does coordination of benefits work with health insurance?

My primary insurance is through my employer, my husband also carries on his employers insurance (United Healthcare). How would my claims be processed under the two insurance plans? Would his insurance pick up where my primary insurance left off?""

Perth; Can I ride a motorcycle without insurance?

And if I am buying motorcycle insurance, how come they ask me how much I want to pay? Please see the link at http://rac.com.au/Insurance/Motor-insurance/Motorcycle-insurance/Motorcycle-insurance-quote.aspx So how much must I pay? I bought my second hand scooter for A$1,000 on bikesales.coml.au""

Car accident but driver isnt under my insurance?

Last month my boyfriend and I were driving and someone rear ended my car. I am insured under Mercury insurance and the car is owned under my moms name. My bf has his own insurance but not for my car. We were not at fault but I'm nervous about filing a claim with the insurance company cause he is not under my insurance and was driving my car.. A police report was filed.. But what will happen if I file a claim with Mercury insurance? Will I get charged or fined for letting someone that wasn't on my insurance drive my car? Or can I not file a claim to the other company cause he isn't insured under the car that was damaged ? and if I ask my representative from Mercury what will happen will she report me even if I don't file a claim for letting someone who isn't under our insurance drive the car?

Insurance when renting a car? Waste of $$?

I'm 22 yrs old, renting a car from enterprise in 5 wks. On a budget and trying to cut costs, was wondering if the insurance they offer is really necessary, or just a waste of money. I currently have progressive insurance on my vehicle. Can I add this rental to my insurance for a cheaper rate? Or is insurance even an absolute MUST. Realistically, how often is it actually used? Any answers would help! 10 pts""

""Car Insurance / Mother or Father as First Driver, me as Second?""

I'm trying to sort out car insurance, but the problem is, is that it is very high, Ive never done this before as Im a first time driver, but a lot of people have told me to put my parents as primary drivers and me as secondary, how do I do this? I really have no idea, thank you I'm using gocompare.com but how do I enter my parents in and then as secondary, thank you very much""

What is the Cheapest Insurance?

Hi. My dad has been having AAA as his insurance for $82, compared to our other family members insurance, that is pretty over priced. Isn't the insurance price supposed to go down if you didn't violate anything over the year? And also, i am 16, and have my license, i basically have my dad's old car so he needs to get me into his insurance. What is the best insurance for me and him together? I know Im a minor and the insurance is going to go up but what is the cheapest insurance or best insurance for both of us? My dad wants to switch if ever we find a good deal?""

Will a citiation for having my brights on raise my insurance?

And do I need to notify them? I have never had any other citations or anything else.

How to get health insurance for a pregnant woman in California that is a LEGAL immigrant?

Ok, my fiancee is pregnant. She's a legal resident, but from what I understand, she isn't supposed to use any type of public benefits (aka welfare) and we really don't want to either. I have company health care (HMO), but my company won't pay for her, and for me to add her onto my plan is like $900 more a month (IT IS INSANE!!!!!). She doesn't work as she is a stay at home mom. We are not married, but we were planning on an October wedding before she found out she was pregnant (7 weeks), I imagine we are still going to stick to our plans. How can we have this baby? I make $36,000 and live in San Diego. This would be our 2nd child, I can barely make ends meet. Before you judge me about having another kid without the true financial means, she was on birth control for 2 years. We don't know how this happened, but I guess it's not true 100% protection. Are there any insurances we can get? How can we get help with this baby? What can we do? Thank you for your help.""

Do Different Car Insurance Companies Really Have Different Rates?

I keep seeing ads on TV which claim this or that car insurance company is cheapest. Are they really that different, or is this just marketing?""

What kind of cars cost the least amount of money to insure?

I am a teenage driver and I am looking to get my first car. What kind of cars have lower insurance rates, and are still reliable? I plan on getting a used car from around 2006-2008.""

""How much is motorcycle insurance for a 21 year old male, than car insurance?""

i want to get a motorcycle instead of a car, but i don't know how much insurance is compared to car insurance for a 21 year old male?""

UK. Do you need insurance to learn to drive with your parents car?

i have my provisional Is the insurance expensive?

What is the best company for car insurance?

I think I pay way too much for car insurance right now and I have no tickets on my record. I want to switch too a cheaper company. The monthly payment is killing me. Anybody know of a really cheap company I can switch too?

Car rental insurance? do i need it?

I will be paying with my credit card. I have insurance on my car, but only the basic liability nothing else. Should i buy the insurance the rental agency offers? what happens if i have an accident. Thanks for your response""

Does my husband need car insurance?

When I signed up for car insurance my broker told me that when my husband receives his driver's license he has to be put on the insurance. My husband got his license now, but he never drives. I drive, and have insurance. He rides his bike or the bus when he needs to get around. He tells me there's no need to have insurance for him since he doesn't drive anyway. My question is: by law, do we have to purchase car insurance for my husband even if he doesn't own a car and doesn't drive mine? Or was the broker just saying that for business purposes? I just want to be informed and do the right thing, whatever it may be. Thanks in advance.""

Car insurance online?

can i sign up for car insurance online and drive the same day

Girlfriend as spouse for auto insurance?

What could happen to me if I claim my girlfriend as my spouse on my auto insurance quote to get a better quote?

When should I apply for car insurance?

I've been a named driver on my boyfriends policy with the car being in his name for the past couple of years. Now he has a company car and I need the previous car to be insured in business class for my work, we've sent away the forms to the DVLA so I will be the registered owner. But I'm wondering, whether now it means our previous insurance covers the car which i'm still driving daily or not, so should I apply for my own insurance now for when the documents come back or wait until after I recieve the documents!? I'd hate the thought of being pulled over and getting points on my licence for not getting this change over correct! Thanks for any help!""

Cheapest car insurance? UK? For young drivers.?

What company or what car is the cheapest to insure? We are looking at buying a car, but since my hubby is only 20 the insurance is through the roof. (Can't seem to find a quote less that 2000) Any one got any ideas?""

Pregnancy insurance?

How much does pregnancy insurance cost for a young couple? I'm not pregnant yet, and we're both healthy. Just want to play it safe... :p Thanks so much everyone! :)""

Will my Speeding ticket increase State farm insurance?

I was recently caught speeding in MN, going 87 in a 60 (I know that;s bad). Is there anything I can do to reduce the cost/penalty such as Traffic school ? Or am I screwed?""

When can I drop full coverage insurance?

I have a 2010 nissan versa I have full coverage I wanted to know how long until i can drop the full coverage and will my insurance rate be lower?

first choice car insurance quote

first choice car insurance quote

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