#im just proud of myself i guess. i got bad mental illness but i still Did It.

[wishgirls-archive]

new apartment tomorrow new apartment tomorrow

[tryinggallery]

I look forward to the future

Came back to this site because I never left the hole I wanted to. Signed back in after changing my password and saw a post I made a year ago, a promise of action and a better future. Made that post hoping I was gonna do what I will do now, which is finally change, and I promise on my life that I will do it.

This isn't the first time Ive made this promise, I've made it more than I count, mainly to myself more than anyone else. And I guess I stopped doing it, after breaking that promise to myself again and again and again and again and again, I stopped really believing I could and I hated lying about it. Because I know what I need to do to change, and live life to the fullest and make everyone proud of me and to be happy with myself and succeed. I have barely used journals filled with nothing but a younger me's promise to do better, labeling the problems with my life and planning solutions and breaking down those solutions until they were do-able sprints, and reminders that I know im a flawed human being but in the end I must do what I have to do to be happy because im not.

I just couldn't do it. List lack of discipline or mental illness or depression, the 'excuses' dont matter because in the end, I let myself down. I let the people that looked me in the eye and said "Sweden. Spook, your kind and smart and handsome, Im not worried about you because I know you'll florish." And I looked back at my grandma or my mom or dad, back right at their big ol brown eyes and I swore that i wouldn't let them down. But I did. And i hated myself for it. I tore and cut myself and punched walls and hated myself, I didn't hate anyone more than myself. I tried my best to not let my fuck ups be inconveniences but I still made my mum cry and my dad yell. and that just made me hate myself more. to know that my brother could thrive and do just fine but i was a fish on land, just fucking inhaling nothing and dying there hoping that something would change and it didn't. Not like they didn't offer, I had pride, I said that I was a strong fish, and people be damned, i will fucking wriggle on this sand and make it to the water, I dont need help im just fine, and i would act like I could breathe just fine hoping they would be proud of me.

Now Im here. Rotting. Living but not thriving. nothing but shame and guilt though nobody has been hurt but myself. Ive healed, from the worst stuff, the scars faded and my knuckles have stopped clicking, but the standard has shifted from staying alive to living and I have plans now. Theres a future and world at arms length, people to meet, cats to befriend, dogs to say big yawn as their yawning to, jobs to do, experiences to be had. As much as I want to I cant keep being my own obstacle to being happy, I cant let this cycle keep going, I AM CLIMBING OUT OF THIS FUCKING HOLE. I MUST KEEP MY PROMISES AND FIND FULFILMENT IN MYSELF.

So, after ive spent however long planning and catering my environment and making sure I have got the standards set and now I must get to the doing, the effort, the hardest part truly, doesnt help I have developed a nasty habit of nicotine and weed use in the mean time, but alas, we must do.

First, I gotta resocialise, as I have digitally isolated myself from everyone I know but my partner for 2 years, so theres that. Next I gotta get back my swing into academic, I fucked up my HS after i got real bad but I managed to get into a decent uni, I just gotta get that squared away (I missed enrolment and must jump through a bunch of hoops now because of my incompetence). Next, I gotta secure a decent employment, scouted a few places and have made my resume so just gotta pray to god more than anything I guess. I got a bunch of personal projects, which i'd like to get started on, but that requires a drop into skills etc etc

In the end, the point of me learning to use tumblr and post this shit is so (Like the first time) I can digitalise results of my projects, betterment and general improvements of existence on the path to fulfilment ! Yippee!!

[needzoju]

tumblr diary entry 1 ˚୨୧⋆｡˚ ⋆

i created a tumblr account for thinspo but still continue to eat/binge. i feel really bad for being the way i am and want to write it down somewhere. i decided to do it here. im gonna write an intro so that maybe in the future when i become a better version of myself i can look back and laugh and be proud of myself.

im currently 14 (9th grade) 5'7 and 112kg

i have depression and anxiety. not sure if i have an ed or insomnia or anything else but i do know theres something wrong with my brain chemistry.

ive been feeling very down lately and s**cidal also very guilty abt how much ive been eating. i would casually use laxatives if i saw the number go up on the scale or if i binged. ive tried throwing up but have only been successful once in the shower. ive realized that these past 4 years i havent gotten better mentally or physically and that really makes me feel ashamed to live. i really wish i could just become sayori.

i genuinely hate myself and even when i try to think positively i end up hating myself a little bit more. not sure what else to write because like therapy my mind is blank. is that normal ....i will have THE WORST TIME OF MY LIFE EVERRRRYRRTTRTTTT then go to therapy and im just like "ehhh its been bad but idk...?!' like ...im not quite sure how to word it but i guess i just want to be ....idk i have orientation tomorrow and im so scared bc i think with an ed comes worsened anxiety. every where i go i dont want to eat and if i do when im done i just think "damn this is what people on my 600 pound life do- feel bad eating in public." i also just stare at peoples body and wish i looked as thin as them. and i fel like everyone can tell ive gained weight but cant tell that 50% i starve restrict and exercise a lot and the other 50% i overeat binge and only get 4k steps in. idkkk im gonna go to sleep bc i need to be there from 9am to 1pm but ive been waking up at 9 sorry for typing so much. also sent $9 from my grandmas cashapp to mine and she found out oopps sorry i just cant go to school without music. thats also the only time ive used her money for something and someone got her card info so she thought i was the one who did that too whatever ill just keep wanting to kms.

(to me this really isnt a intro ill try to do a proper one next time bc i feel like it)

[vergeoftearz]

seen my cousin and girlfriend graduate and i don’t think it was a good idea haha. i know i say i don’t care about graduating or nun like that but i deep down it kills me i couldn’t bring myself to graduate. it’s like ur very first serious milestone and i didn’t get to accomplish it. my dad used to tell me it is what it is and if i don’t then it’s on me cus it’s my life. which was a good thing and a bad thing. i can tell myself that to make myself feel better cus his opinion is what matter most but deep down i know he would want me to graduate and it was just a physiological way of him tryna make me wanna graduate. i know i let him down as well as every other one of my family members. they don’t understand why i preach so hard for my family members to graduate but its because i feel like everyone needs someone with a genuine heart to push them and encourage them. but when they try to tell me i just tell them it’s different and ill be aigh when i wont. im not gonna use my mental health as an excuse or the fact i got super behind over covid although i would want to as and easy way out of the conversation but in reality it’s really just the fact im a lazy person that doesnt have the strength to keep going and takes the easy route and gives up easily. i wish i wasn’t like this but its just the way it is i guess. i let all of my family down and it just adds onto their reasons to discredit me or push me to the side and i hate that so much. i just wanna show them i can still be a genuine human being without any lil ass diploma to back up my beliefs or statements. i’m proud of all my family and i wish it was reciprocated but until then i guess ill just be stuck with the loneliness and guilt for the rest of my life. i’m sorry

[and-yet-the-daisies-grow]

Meds and stuff

I got new meds yesterday!! Hooray :D I'm finally on a mood stabilizer which is fantastic :) I can't wait until these 14 days or so pass and the meds start working!!

I woke up like twice during the night. Apparently they can cause insomnia? But it's cool.

I told a family member about it (got a surprise visit (i HATE surprise visits - I had my day planned and them BAM I can't follow the plan without feeling guilt :( )), and it turns out that they take antidepressants too.

Like, I know our family has issues with depression, but uhm, I didn't know they had it too! It was interesting to have that convo. Their perspective is still a bit "meds bad", but I kinda get it. They're from a different generation. I'm just glad that nobody but me and my doctor can decide on whether or not I take meds. Being a mentally ill child is wayyy worse. Like, at least now I get to avoid medical neglect -_- I mean im still hella depressed but at least there might be a way out now.

My stupid restrictive ED wanted to make its appearance again (like every morning, lol). But I said fuck you, bitch! And I'm proud of myself for that :) Speaking of, I'm hungry so I'm gonna go eat.

I'm kind of confused about what I should post here, tbh. I guess I'll treat it as a public diary, that's what it was intended for (and also a place for accountability).

I'm thinking about baking some bread as an offering to the 2 gods I worship. I've kind of been neglecting them. Hopefully they aren't too mad 0-0 anyways! :P thats it for now :)

[to-the-moon-and-never-be-back]

1.12.23

i just have to write this real quick

so life's kind of spiraling at the moment. surprisingly not my way of thinking but life in general. so it's currently finals week in my uni and there's just a lot going on.

i have that incident with my prof that i've got no idea what the progress is but our department chair have yet to talk to me about it so im just putting it on the back of my list.

im currently sick with flu? i guess so i didn't go to school today and i will just be taking the exam i was supposed to take today on Monday. and don't even get me started on that subject itself. we're all failing, some more so than others. im scared for myself and for my classmates and close friends. a lot didn't even made it to a grade where they can take a removal exam so that they can still have a passing grade. and im scared albeit, my scores looks better than others, its still not something that im proud of.

i understand that this subject was really hard, and the pointing system is quite harsh even though i love my professor and that she's considerate in terms of her own time and stuff but i also know that i could have done better but i also understand that i wasn't doing well at the last few months of 2023 emotionally and mentally. but now im having trouble catching up since there's so much to study for it.

god im so scared and so overwhelmed with emotions regarding this subject and idk. i know it's a far cry but still im so close to the edge of failure and i just cant do that. i can't fucking fail cause then i'll really have to transfer to another school and that'll be another 4 years and then i'll be in college for a bachelor's degree for a total of 7 years and then i'll be a total complete fucking failure. even with all the progress i've made emotionally speaking, i do not know how i will tolerate myself if i have to finish a bachelor's degree for 7 years in total. and there's no assurance even that it'll only be just 7 years. and i am just scared. even though if you've look at the past few years that the reason of my extended period of time in college isn't even because i failed but just because i shifted but damn, i feel like such a failure.

i found myself last night struggling with self harm and it was scary. i haven't had much though about it but you can say i was kind of triggered by something i was watching. it was s random just a protagonist getting injured but all night long i was thinking of it. of being injured. it wasn't really like how it usually goes like ill have some bad thought usually about myself and then ill harm myself for lots of reason. this time i just wanted to do it, i think it was more of a bodily reaction or an impulsive thought made stronger by the fact that i used to do it before whenever im in crisis and there seems to be lots of problems coming my way this week?

[ace-aro-fandroid]

Hi, i have so so many asks in my inbox and i cant respond to them individually so ill just make one post and go

Thank you to every person who messaged me nice things about the blog, or who messaged me asking if im okay. Yall are super nice and i appreciate it.

Sorry i disappeared. I just havent had the energy or time for this blog. I'm glad yall enjoy the content i already posted though

Im okay. Got correctly diagnosed and medicated after 7 years of worthless fucking doctors ruining my life. Got commonlaw married. My cat died. I got a job as a server and I teach voice lessons on the side, which lets me pay my bills AND save money to buy land for the landback plan. Got a neat tattoo. I was part of the Pfizer vaccine trial back when it was being made, so as a part of that I got vaccinated very early and I'll also be getting the booster shot very soon. I live in an apartment and my living situation is stable. I'm writing music and me and my friends are attempting to start a little band. I'm about to start EMDR for the first time, and after that I'll start poledancing classes. I'm writing a comic and hopefully one day I'll be able to get it drawn and published. I've fundamentally changed as a person in so many ways, mostly good, but some bad. Some days im filled with the warmest exhilarating joy from just being me, some days i want to erase myself entirely. Life is constantly exhausting, and the noise of being alive is so loud that i constantly ache, and sometimes I can barely handle it but almost every day I get to come home, shower, put on warm and dry clothes, eat a meal i cooked and am proud of, and watch some silly little show with my partner, who is the love of my life.

So i guess if youre anything like me, if you were abused, if you were raised in a cult, if you've been mentally ill since you were conscious, if you grew up queer in a violently anti-queer environment, if you never got to just be a fucking kid, if you feel like your past and future were stolen from you before you even realized who you were, then please please keep going. Even if you feel like you aren't managing, remember that you're still breathing, and maybe you're BARELY managing, but you're managing. And you're fighting. And as long as you're still fucking breathing then you're still fighting. And remember that the existence of all the worst days PROVES the existence of the best days. Your ability to feel crushing, suffocating rage and sorrow PROVES your ability to feel soaring joy and pride one day, even if you can't right now.

I know this might seem all melodramatic and out of left field just coming out of nowhere on a Data fan blog, but this is the only social media i have, and this is where i reach the most people, so i wanna say it all here. Consider this a sign if you're looking for one. Keep going, you'll have good things someday. You will. You will. You will.

I hope everyone that reads this has something very cozy and wonderful happen to them today, and i hope things get better for everyone very soon.

[cheekbites-moved]

vnc ep 4 reactions

time for another sexy vampire mood cleanse

oh we opening up with some lore very sexy

THAT WE’VE BEEN REPLACED WITH MATH?!!?!? absolute nightmare scenario. if that is the world we live in i have to gtfo here rn

.....well. i mean if that was true maybe i’d be fine with living there actually. i’d never have allergies again. i could vibe with this

silent princess??? in MY sexy vampire anime??? it’s apparently more likely than i would’ve ever guessed

luminous stone... also... in my sexy vampire anime. incredible. crossover of a lifetime. 

the vampires. everyone say thank u whatever this guy’s name is i already forgot but thank u for the vampires mr.... very long p name

omg it’s his teacher talking i thought i knew the voice lol though like. it’s interesting bc u know. his teacher is break’s va, and u can tell if u squint with ur ears, but he has a Range. so. it also sounds like a different not break voice u know. im very coherent right now as u can tell

BABY NOOOEEEEE WHO HURT U BABY ILL FUCK THEM UP. STRAIGHT TO THE ABYSS WITH THE BASTARD WHO DARE HURT U BABY

shut up that’s so pretty mentally im frolocking amongst the pretty blue lights

what a pretty shot wtf. love being decked in the nose w remembering this is a mochijun adaptation and her beautiful art is finally being done such justice

........well that was a weird interaction im uncomfortable

oh sick the gay jams to cleanse me 

i want to dramatically dance to this bitch so bad. someday when im home alone again. and have more than a quarter stamina wheel at my disposal.

rly just makes me want to swing around a street light and tap dance u know

i know these are all very generic anime op things but i like that both the vnc & ph openings mention the sky. and dreams. bc the ph op was one of the few good things that we got u know i expect it to be used again for the reboot. i do trust yuki kaijura to make whatever she does sexy, but fiction junction still performs the ph op sometimes, so like. idk. i would rly love to see it get used again, maybe updated a bit or smth somehow.

swarm of batbies: exist. squeaking.

me: my soul has been cleansed

u ever gay for an anime wall light bc im gay for this anime wall light it has no right being that pretty

why isn’t that my closet :/ 

.....................im so sorry but holy shit her ass

actually im not sorry ur not surprised i dont hide my horniness at all for vampires im an adult if i think a vampire has a nice ass imma say it tkjtr

help the scary music box is making me so scared even though things seem so... well they are in a dark closet with no lights on nvm

:/ mr pretty eyes. always gotta throat punch me with how pretty his gorgeous blue eyes are smfh

HHJTHJRTHRJTHHH?!?!!H HHHHJHTJHR HHH

GOD I WISH I WAS DOMIIIIIIII 

u know at least they make it sexy. so much vampire shit is like “aa noo a vampire sucking my blood?! aaa so scary!!” mochijun said “no. actually. im here for all the bitches with a vampire biting u kink. that shit’s sexy we gonna make it sexy.” ty mochijun for my horny for vampire rights

vanitas sitting there listening to them like “wish i was in the middle” me too vanitas. me too.

OH NO IT IS A BALL EPISODE OH NO OH NOOOOO AAAAA

all the good horny was a false sense of security i see. dammit... it fooled me

THERES SKULLS ON THE CHANDELIER.... that’s p cool actually i like that but it also makes me so scared. foreshadowing? pls no

oh no break’s crew is here we gotta go

well i was right abt it being a masquerade. im both proud of myself and terrified shitless abt what im in for. esp bc damn this bitch is happening EARLY. we didn’t get to the ball in ph until what.... like. the 40s-50s chapters?? im assuming an episode is like. 1-2 chapters each so we’re not even 10 chapters in & im already gonna get my ass handed to me by the ball chapter. oh god.

he is at a ball in a mochijun series, domi, i too would feel unwell.

PIRATE

:/........ sexy vampire pirate holding a rose i hate him get out stop meeting all my standards u absolute bastard of a man

oh no there’s children oh no i’m so scared for the children they’re at a mochijun ball i hope they live holy shit

d,,, dalliance? what does that mean?

.....................................oh

THE FUCKING EXAMPLE SENTENCE SAYS “jack was not averse to an occasional dalliance with a pretty girl.” u keep that bastard’s name AWAY from me, google. especially in such a context how dare u fucking curse me like this

i mean i heard u guys too that shit was. um. i mean. u know. 

i once again am wishing that i was domi

his already obnoxiously over the top pirate outfit even has glitter wow. fashion icon. absolute gnc bicon

u

um

h

OH OK SO WE’RE JUST GONNA FADE TO BLACK OK... DUNNO WHY I EXPECTED ANYTHING ELSE

um. child. why do u have... plague doctors with you.... as like... ur guards....

nooo jeanne

well ok what a fucking transition

U CANT BOTH SMRIK AT EACH OTHER RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME FUCK U TKJRTKJTTR

vanitas u are literally on a torture wheel why would u say something like that

th the music

OH GOD OH NO WTF TKJTKERJ IS HAPPENING VANITAS NO

it looks. like. the contractor seal. i am concerned.

he is so terrifying when he wants to be

he rly is having a villain monologue abt saving ppl. this edgy bitch

WHERE IS THAT WIND COMING FROM HELLO

ktjktjrtk god he’s so fucking feral god i hate and love him so much

u are a child, dear, please cut urself a break

awwwee

ah shit

i hate u. u freak.

she’s so pwetty

uh oh

see i said what i said never go to a ball in a mochijun story it never goes well

YEEEEEESSS FUCK IT UP NOE MY LOVE GOD UR SO BEAUTIFUL

dont trust him jeanne oh my god

this episode is so fucking horny oh my god

YEET

vanitas pls stay in ur bubble out of her personal space

H...... TJHTREK HRJHREJEHJRBE HHHJTHJRHEW HHHHH GJHRJEHHHH OK SO THE ONE EARLIER WASN’T HORNY ENOUGH OK... ALRIGHT... SHIT

oh no she gone and made him realize he has a vampire biting him kink oh no

WELL THEN........... THAT SURE WAS. SOMETHING

“friends” ok. well. dont know what to take from that but. alright

[bakugoubabygirl]

           okay before I start she going to choose one. Don't worry if its not the one you wanted her to choose bc its going to be  a Roller coaster  of emotions and a lot of back and forth for awhile  BC I FUCKING LOVE BOTH  OF THESES BOYS. also  there will be smut soon and it wont be vanilla .  

                                                        YOUR POV

          "Lets go before they find us" I whispered tugging on Bakugou arm.  He didn't say a word and followed me.  " Lets get some food at the stand" I gave him smile. Bakugou followed me he seem kind of moody though more moody then usual .           " Are you going to say yes?" Was he asking about tododroki. I didn't give much thought to that . I like him  a lot but if I was being honest with myself i had feelings for someone else.       " I dont know I like him a lot and i think it would be amazing. But i also think I have feelings for someone else. To be fair they haven't shown no sign of returning this feeling. Maybe I ought to say yes and forget about the other guy like that" I admitted.        " Who is this other guy" He asked. Why was he so damn interested and how can i tell him its him.         "Not telling" I felt my face getting red. Next thing I Knew I was getting pinned against a wall.           " Tell me" He growled. Why was this bothering him so much. If only he knew that telling him would ruin our friend ship . He would never look at me the way I look at him. because I was made to  be the villan.  Bakugou strive to be perfect at everything and I was not perfect.           " Bakugou Its you stupid" Then I broke free from his grasp . I didn't want t o know his reaction or have him mocked me. I hurried and disappear into the crowd.    Still haven't found any thing to eat my tummy started growl. When I heard my name being called out, The next thing I knew someone dragged me off  somewhere quite. I'm so sick of being pulled around today. It was my dad, Honestly I was relived that it  wasn't Bakugou .        " Hey  I know you and how your going to give it all but You need to make sure your head is clear. Ive been studying and your powers  feed off you emotions.  I want to make sure you have a clear head" he said worriedly .  OH god I'm screwed my head is far  from clear.         "  Yeah I'm not focusing on anything right now except for winning" I said and I fake smiled.          " that's Great I Know your going to make me proud. I may be rooting midoryia but Your my number one and I hope you win more." He smiled. Pulled me and for a hug.           " Thank you dad and don't worry Ill cut all there throats open" I laughed.      Then it was time to to go back to the arena.  Time  to face bakugou mental and physical . I think mentally would be harder to do.  Midnight call me and bakugou to fight first.  I try not to think about what had conspire between us earlier. I need to focus to keep my head cleared.              We both step into the ring. Bakugou goes to attack me and I dodge it just in time. Then I Blast one of my purple fire balls at him and he dodge to . This was really upsetting, and I  Take one of my shadow hands out and it wraps around his body. I started to think about how he never loses. He was perfect and every way and would make a fine super hero one day.   something you'll never be  the voice was back again.  

                                                 Bakugou  POV

She had her hand wrapped around me. I  had to escape and then I saw  Her starting to levitate off the ground. Her eyes flash purple there was a gasp from the crowd.  She slam hard into the ground  with the shadow hand. She was Going to kill me.        I jump up and fired another explosion at her this time using more force.  She shield it and then made a big shadowy fist at the ground causing it to erupt . I almost fell but then I caught my balance.  This time I used my full force now that I knew it wouldn't hurt her too bad.       The explosion was so big she couldn't shield it. She was on the ground and lay there for several of seconds.  I walked over her to see if I have won and if she was okay. She started to get back up again and she grabbed a whole of me again.      She grabbed me so tight with the shadow arm I couldn't breath.  My face started to turn purple I was pretty sure I was going to die.  The crowed was screaming to let me go But she wouldn't listen.   " Y/n Please let me go I cant breathe" I try to say but she didn't hear or listen. She wouldn't do this on purpose.  Something was seriously wrong . this was not her. " Y/n Please I love you" at that point I didn't fucking care if the whole crowed thought I was a simp . I love her and I need her to came back. Her eyes turn back to e/c when I said that.    " Bakugou" she gasps and then dropped me. I could barley move I'm pretty sure she won but she just stared at me. Her eyes started to tear up. " I give up" she yelled. Then ran out of the arena . They announced me winner and The nursing girl came to heal up my minor wounds.  I was livid that I won that way. She threw the fight.

                                                                   Y/N POV

     I Brought shame on my dad and my school. I brought shame on myself. The whole world watch it happen too. They watch me turn into a monster. I almost killed bakugou and He never going to want anything to do with me again. I sat outside the stadium on the ground.  I'm no hero I cant even go and face what I done.       I must of sat there for hours and hours. It was finally dark and everyone left. it started  to  pour down rain.   I decided to go back into the arena to pick up my bag and stuff.  It was dark except for a couple security lights. I found my bag when I heard a familiar voice.       " Tch where did you go?" Bakugou asked. Was he still talking to me.        " heard you won congratulation"  I gave him a smile. The air was so cold I could see my own breath. 

                                            BAKUGOU POV 

 " THATS NOT HOW I WANTED TO WIN" he yelled. " YOU GAVE UP THAT FIGHT WAS YOURS"        " I almost killed you .  I was created for one reason and one reason only. The whole now know so to. I let you guys down and I let my dad down. How can I be the princess of peace when I cant even find peace in my own head.  I'm done," I said  tears started to pour out my eyes.        " IF i was the bad guy you would of won. Your powerful and just because its hard your going to pack up then Your not who I thought you were " he scoffed.         " I almost kill you and maybe next time I will. I care about you too much for that to happen" I cried. I started to turn away.  He grabbed my wrist and pulled me agaisnt him.        " I know you wont. You stop because your good and you over came it. we just have to work on it. Please stay if not for yourself then the million you could save with that power.         " I dont know how I stopped myself. All I remeber is blacking out and then waking to see me almost killing youself." I explain.             " I said something to you and then you just snapped out of it" He said nervously .              " Oh well what did you say" I asked.  This could help me find the answer.      " I told you I Love you"  He blushed. This was a side of him I never seen before. I think im falling to. Todoroki was important to me but in the end bakugou been here.  I wasnt sure if I was ready to say it back. I grabbed his face and kiss him. He started kissing back first it was soft but then its starts to get more rough and passionate. He grabbed my ass and pulled me agaisnt him. despite the freezing rain , I felt warm.               He pulled away but remain eye contact with me as he pulled something out of his of his jacket. It was a small box and he handed it to me. " I wanted to give this to you when I ask you out after I won the festival correctly . That didn't go as I plan but I still want to win your heart. please accept this and be my girl. I never done this soft shit and I'm sorry if it not something I'm going to show everyday. Your worth taking my pride down a little I guess" His face was red.       I open it up and it was a sliver bracelet with his name on it and diamonds. It was beautiful and way too much. I had no idea what to say. " Yes Ill be yours" he pulled me into a tight  hug.      " lets go to my place you need to get out of the rain and getting late" he said gently. It almost scared me the way he was being so kind.                                                                      Bakugou POV         We arrived at my place. She look like she was about to past out. Today was a lot on all of us. I didn't really won the sports festival but at least I won the girl. I just got to keep that damn icy hot away from her. I wanted to rip the necklace off of her that he gave her. She mine now.        " Hey you stupid bitch your late" my mom bitch. No good job bakugou or nothing.         " Fuck you too hoe" I said back flipping her off. She was about to really yell, until she saw Y/n  come in after me.             " Hey Y/n nice to see you again. I saw you tonight you should of just kill him and not worry about it' she laugh. The fucking old hag meant as a joke. Y/n face turn white though.  I grabbed her hand and lead her up to my bedroom. She seem like she was still half in a daze.        " Lets get out of these wet clothes. You can wear anything of mine for now." I said awkwardly. I knew we were dating but I didn't know her boundaries . There so much I want to do with her. She needed sleep tonight though. we both did.   she started to strip off in my room.  Oh, she wasn't paying attention to anything really. I couldn't help but to watch in amazement though. She took  off her clothes and strip down till she was naked. I had to use all my self control to not do anything. then she put on one of my T-shirts that looked like a dress on her and then a pair of my boxers.  I strip down to nothing and but my boxers and laid on my bed.     " come here princess" I yawned. She crawled into bed and laid on top of me. She feel asleep instantly but then here phone started going off. I  Pick it up and looks at it.  Deku: hey are you alright. Me and your dad are really worried.    Damn deku fucking worrying about my girl. I didn't want to give her a dad the pro hero a reason to hate me though. Me: yeah I'm fine just staying at a friend house. I'm really sleepy so I'm going to go to bed.   Then there was other messages on the screen so I looked. Todo: hey  Y/n I'm so worried about you. When you see this please answer and I was wondering if we could meet up tomorrow to talk about today and I have something I wanna ask you. I hope your safe and sleeping well beautiful. Oh hell  no. She mine and he going to back the fuck off.  I took a pictures of her sleeping on my chest and I sent it. Me: she mine and she sleeping fine thank you. Back the fuck off  she mine now!!!!!! Todo: I see for now that may be it. I don't give up and I especially wont stop until she mine. You well slip and when you do ill be there for her. Your impulsive and abusive and don't deserve her. Me: You come any where near her your dead I blocked his number from her phone.  I wrapped my arms tight around her and I pass out.    The sun filled the room waking me up. She was still asleep. She was so beautiful and peaceful when she sleep.  Her phone started buzzing causing her to wake.   " Where my phone" she sat up straight looking for it. I handed it to her. The number didn't have a caller id. She scrunch her nose in confusion.     " Hello who is this " she answered.      " Todoroki, are you alright?" I heard him answered.  Great rich boy has more then one phone.     " Yes, what happen to your old phone number?"      " Long story, where are you at?"     " Bakugou house, why whats wrong?" she asked worriedly     " Ill be there In 20" he said and then hung up.  " Do you have anything else I can where by chance?" she asked   " I think you look fine in that Idiot" I snorted grabbing her wait.   " I cant go out like this" she said digging though the bag of mina and kiri clothes that they leave here.      " Your not going anywhere with him and no way in hell wearing that" She hold up a short pink dress of mina. Mina was shorter then Y/n so this dress was gonna not cover anything. She took off my shirt and put on the dress anyways not listening to me at all.    She grabbed my hair brush and tied it back out her face. she look stunning even though she didn't try and its for him.  " I fucking mean it your not going anywhere with him" I yelled.   " Chill out you have to trust me. He one of my friends and I'm yours so don't worry" she said try reassuring me. I almost lost her to him though. He going to try all Kinds of flirty shit. I cant be okay with this but I have too. She will leave if I'm too controlling.   " One hour then come back" I grumbled.  " I have to go home afterwards and talk to my dad" She sigh. She was right even though I wanted some time with her. The door bell ring and I hurried up to open it. IT was half and half baster.   " Leave your hands off of her and no flirty shit or I will Murder you" I screamed and then Y/n push me put of the way. I grabbed her and kiss her so fucking hard in front of him. She push me away and laughed.     " I'm sorry about him" she said. Walking out of the door with him. I kept trying to talk myself out of following them. I decided to invite shitty hair over to distract me.

IM open up to ideas and or request for my one shot books I'm doing. Thank you for read part 7 will be here Thursday at the latest

[rosalesbeausderholle]

congrats on finishing ur degreee!!!! ive had to take like 3 breaks form mine bc mental illness and im still in undergrad @ 23 and sometimes i feel like it's never going to fucking end but seeing you finsh your degree is AMAZING!! it's corny but i feel inspired lmao.

Thank you!! But honestly, don't worry, and do your best to enjoy the ride, I wish I could have more time at uni tbh!!

This is hard to fully internalize because our culture is obsessed with the idea of success and higher education = success, but the way we need to look at it is that, other than because of economic concerns, it really doesn't matter WHEN you finish university. It's one thing to be worried that you can't afford to take more time to finish, either bc you need a job now or bc you can't pay to stay longer, or bc of what scholarships are available to you, etc; and another to worry about feeling like a failure because you didn't finish "on time".

If me and my two closest friends had done uni "right" we all should have finished by now. Instead one friend dropped out of one degree to start another and then got stuck and took another whole year to finish her dissertation; and then the other one didn't even finish our last two years of high school (here school is compulsory until you're 16 and the next two years are basically uni preparation) and instead decided to take the long way round to university by doing vocational training, which took her another four years, but now she's gonna be arriving at her teaching degree, starting it at 23, with some teaching qualifications ALREADY under her belt.

Then I also have a cousin for whom high school was super hard, and he also arrived two years "late" to starting university. Well guess what? He got two degrees! Law AND Philosophy, which are both super hard! He's probs one of the most accomplished people in our family and he was a "failure" at high school (he wasn't, he was just bad at some subjects which he failed but very good at others, aka like... everyone in the world). My own father didn't even finish high school at first, just decided to go straight to work as a field laborer, but then he thought that knowing more about growing vegetables would help him, so at 26 he decided to finish high school by taking night classes while working to finance all his studies and THEN he went to university and graduated with honors and THEN he got not one but TWO master degrees (the second of which he finished when he was 40!!).

So really, don't ever feel bad for being "already" 23 and still being undergrad!!! I am too. I just finished (well have some exams left but after my dissertation those will be a breeze) my own bachelor's degree. University is hard, by definition, and it gets extra hard when you have problems with mental health. Focus on yourself, on doing this for your own fulfillment, but also having the best time of it!! Me, my break was very hard on my self esteem, still now it's hard thinking about it for too long because it was such a hard time in my life, but I know if I had forced myself to not drop out that year that a) I wouldn't have switched schools, so I'd have stayed in the same school where most of my bullies were while being depressed. When I switched schools I still had that reputation but I ended up in a class of really really nice people, and that helped A LOT not only with actually finishing high school but with getting into university on my chosen degree with a really really high grade (which I needed). Plus, I wouldn't have been in the same year as my uni friends, and I'm so glad I met them. When life closes one door at you it always always opens another.

You need to be proud of yourself, not only are you getting a degree, which is hard by itself, but you also are getting one despite having already taken several breaks due to mental health! Just ONE was traumatic for me and had me reassessing my whole life! The fact that you've done that three times but still have the strength to go out is honestly, inspiring. You deserve a standing ovation imo and I mean that.

You'll get your degree friend, I know it, just do your best to have the best time of it and to take care of your mental health as much as possible. It'll be a lot more satisfying and you'll feel a lot happier in the long run if you do it slowly but surely than if you hurt yourself by trying to do more than you can. I believe in you! Good luck!!!

[captainimprobable]

This photo popped up on my Facebook memories and I nearly lost my gd mind.  Everything under the cut is depressing so don’t click if you don’t wanna be bummed out

This is from Mother’s day, May 10th, 2015.  At this point I had been breaking down every night for a month, taking Ativan like it was candy, because lower doses stopped working since I took them so often.  I dropped out of college during finals week instead of just waiting for the semester to be over because I didn’t know if I could make it through another week. 3 days after this picture was taken, I checked myself into the hospital.  It was a planned check in, preemptively done so it wouldn’t come to a place where it would be an emergency.  I stayed for about a week, and when I got out I wasn’t cured or anything, but it had been the restart I needed to start working to get better. 2015 was the Year From Hell for my me and my family. (So far, it’s still beating 2020. Like. That many bad things happened in 2015.)

I spent most of my recovery alone, aside from my mother.  I had friends, that I loved and who I knew loved me, but when someone is going through something difficult and you don’t know what to say, sometimes you just say nothing at all.  Not to mention I kept all this very very quiet.  On the outside I looked fine.  I’ve been told by many, many therapists that  I’m the only patient they’ve ever had who can fool them into thinking things are great even if I’m wildly depressed, and my friends weren’t trained, so. Nobody really knew. I’ve been working my ass off for five years.  A year after this picture was taken, I graduated college.  By the end of that year I got my first job.  It took me a long long time to get to a place where I thought I could actually, maybe be a real person.  I was finally planning to start my career, which was going to lead to me moving out. I was finally, FINALLY, after 7 years of trying and failing, going to travel to japan. And then Covid happened.  And here I am, five years to the day later, feeling the same things I felt then, completely rewinded, like the past five years just haven’t happened.  We’re back, babes!!!!!! We’ve returned to the Shit Zone, no feeling good allowed!!!!  We’re back to having to take everything minute by minute, sleeping a lot and popping that Ativan again because I can’t stop crying. I’m fucked, my dudes.  Every year I’m so proud of how much progress I’ve made since May 13th, 2015. But right now all I see is the same pattern, the skipping work, the spontaneous sobbing mixed with being Totally Okay Somehow for a few days, and I’m alone again, because quarantine means nobody knows when we’re all gonna see each other again.  On top of that, i have nothing to look forward to since cons are cancelled.  Cons were basically the only thing I had..which I guess is shitty and lame, but it gave me an outlet, it was a place where I could be super gay and not worry about where I am, I was surrounded by people like me and not here, in my religious town, where nobody is like me.  (I am the Queen of the Drama Queens. Wow.) So all I see in front of me is the same thing, nothing, forever.  But hey the smores frapp comes out in two weeks!!!! Thank god.  I dont know what I would do without the smores frapp. (This is serious. Im not being sarcastic.  That shit is GOOD) Posting this is incredibly embarrassing for me because I’m not usually this open when something is wrong, but this picture popped up at an exact moment I was freaking out about something and I just had to do something.  So now, on top of everything, I’m severely embarrassed and I feel about three inches tall. Hi up there guys!!!! Things are great down here, I’ve managed to corral a spider and now I have a way of getting around without walking everywhere, so that’s rad.  Sorry if you think less of me. Surpriiiiiise Ive been a loser all along!!! I’m used to being vented to but the other way around...doesnt.....make sense??? Like, this feels illegal.  Was this too much information? I straight up Do Not Know. Anyway, thanks to the few people who know I’m losing my mind and have helped. Also I’m totally safe yall, that’s not something you need to worry about, I promise. idk wtf this post is for. actually. i might delete it like. soon. bc this feels Wrong and like Im crying for attention and i am a small helpless child. And Im not. But. Ill see. God this is bad if people see this they’re gonna think less of me but Im supposed to be this big advocate for mental illness on facebook, so I wanted to be honest, but I couldn’t get myself to post it on facebook so I’m putting it here and. Idk.  Sorry.

[alkalinerock]

50 questions air

thank you @kisamas i love talking about myself

1. What takes up too much of your time? im double fisting ffxiv and three houses rn im swear im gonna beat nier one day and i recently got bloodstained so i might fuck around with that :)

2. What makes your day better? eating something tasty and then im happy :) i also like it when i talk w/ the pals makes me feel good

3. What’s the best thing that happened to you today? I am thinking about making mashed potatos i will i promise and it will b the best thing today

4. What fictional place would you like to go to? if i could visit some ffxiv maps like crystarium would b cool. n like, id visit inkopolis (i wanna b squiddo) and ryme city would be dope as hell would love a shinx buddy

5. Are you good at giving advice? i feel like i am but i feel like i still have so much more to learn about imparting wisdom. i was thinking about this the other night n as funny as this sounds i heard a lot of good advice on tumblr. mainly realizing how simple but important the small things are. “i’m proud of you” or “you did really well”. and i like giving advice i think it makes people feel less alone when theyre dealing with situations. if nothing else thats what i want to accomplish

6. Do you have a mental illness? idk i feel like i do but i never officially got diagnosed we got no health insurance. a lot of ppl tell me that im depressed and i think i believe it too but i always tell them im gonna remain impartial about it until i (finally) get a chance to talk to a profreshinal 

7. Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis? ya a few years ago after class id take like, a nap daily. and most of the times i wake up unable 2 move. sometimes im in like, a bad position where my face is a little too close to my pillow and its hard to breathe. i havent gotten it in a while but it sure does stink. 

8. What musician inspires you the most? i dont think any musician INSPIRES me but octopath’s composer yasunori nishiki really makes me wanna be like “quit your job join my octopath band” 

9. Have you ever fallen in love? yeah it rocked but things didnt always work out but i learned a lot in the end 

10. What’s your dream date? never rly thought about this kinda stuff i dont really fantasize about my ideal date. i think the best things in life happen spontaneously. i think. 

11. What do others notice about you? i like 2 talk about myself and that im cute and smart funny and handsome and my meat is huge :) 

12. What’s an annoying habit you have? i play a lot of osu!taiko so i have this finger tapping habit and a lot of like anxious tics like shaking my leg i bite my nails n whatever i do this n that a lot

13. Do you still talk to your first love? yea we’re like still best friends 

14. How many exes do you have? two too

15. How many songs are in your playlist? i have many playlists i have soundcloud playlists for like. anime music/future funk/game music/etc. my spotify playlists have like. hundreds of songs. my youtube playlist also have like. hundreds of songs. some things i listen to on a daily basis i havent even saved so it just keeps growing. 

16. What instruments can you play? i used to b able to play geetar, piano, clarinent but ive forgotten everything since

17. What do you have the most pictures of? animals n other stuff

18. Where would you like to go before you die? oh wow uhhh like. i have general locations but nothing specific. it’d be nice to visit japan and see korea (finally) n then like new zealand. i know it doesnt sound exciting but i’d be happy to be anywhere. 

19. What’s your zodiac? tavros

20. Do you relate to it? sometimes but i take astrology with a grain of sand anyways 

21. What is happiness to you? chillin

22. Are you going through anything right now? tryin 2 get a job. get my AA. 

23. What’s the worst decision you ever made? hmmm i have made many bad decisions but nothing stands on top as my worst. i think anything that falls under the category of “mistreating my friends because of my short-sightedness” is considered the worst. 

24. What’s your favorite store? food stores 

25. What’s your opinion about abortion? pro

26. Do you keep a bucket list? nop

27. Do you have a favorite album? no lol

28. What do you want for your birthday? uhm. better earphones?

29. What are people’s first impressions of you? im silly maybe

30. What age do you seem according to most people? a little younger than i am. 

31. Where do you keep your phone while you’re sleeping? on the dresser next to my bed or like. on my bed next to me in a safe corner 

32. What word do you say the most? idk maybe like. epic. or. legit. or fuck. 

33. What’s the oldest age you would date? i donno lol maybe like. 1000. 

34. What’s the youngest you would date? my age and above lol wtf 

35. What job/career do most people say would suit you? any job that requires, like, talking. on two occasions ive heard ppl say that i have a voice suited for customer service (like, ehh?? i just talk politely lol) but like. counseling too i guess. 

36. What’s your favorite music genre? most genres but lately ive been listening to anime op/eds and bideo game music and bandori songs and like. brockhampton or like. outrun. this n that.

37. If you could live in any country in the world, where would it be? i donno... i don really think about this stuff 

38. What is your current favorite song? fire bird by roselia (lol)

39. How long have you had this blog for? for a while idr how long maybe like. 5 yrs

40. What are you excited for? these maybe mashed potatoes im gonna make LOL

41. Are you a better talker or listener? i think im both. i prefer to listen and i think depending on my conversation partner i think listening is more important 

42. What was the last productive thing you did? i got out of bed brushed my teeth and got something to drink. i know its not much but ive really been makin an effort to improve my....””””mornings””””. ive been waking up at like 1-2pm these days so the least i could do is get my day started right

43. What do you want for Christmas? something rly good to eat!!

44. What class do you get the best grades in? i dont look at my grades LMAO i do like. OK on most of my classes but somtimes i make an oopsie whoopsie and lose a lot of points becuase im forgetful and stupid

45. On a scale of 1-10, how are you feeling right now? like. 7. 10 being like, i just ate something really great and im chillin w/ the homies. im 7 becase i ate something sorta tasty and im chillin but no homies. n im thinkin about the mash potatoe im going to maybe make

46. What can you see yourself doing in ten years? uhm. maybe teaching? doing something like, being sillay with my pals. i dont think about the future i just kinda just. Do.

47. When did you get your first heartbreak? never rly the breakups were my responsibility becos i was mentally immature so i tend to like, think about what i did wrong. 

48. What age do you want to get married? ahh im not rly thinking about this but itd be nice to have a gf first LOL these future oriented questions be like. “idk!”

49. What career did you want to have as a child? yuusha

50. What do you crave right now? despite what ive been saying about thos mash potatoes i really want like. a good burger or somethin. i just wanna eat something free and tasty!!

@gurmza @learnosaurusrex @advancewars2 do it and please read over my answers very carefully i will test you on this on discord without warning 

[kingasriel]

whats your rank of best WoF books?

shit dude thats such a hard question theyre just. So good

okay okay i think i got this so

1st - darkness of dragons, cause ugh. im gonna have to reread it now cause it fucks me up!! 99% of the book was so fucking good and i LOVE qibli SO MUCH i was just full of sunshine that he had his own book! also despite its shit terrible ending cause i wrote my own that a good portion of the fanbase considers canon over sutherlands so. not to kiss my own ass but its my book now and the best

2nd - darkstalker legends, oF COURSE cause im a huge fucking shithole kinnie!! i love that little bastard child!! and his sister!! and fathom! (clearsight can suck it) anyway that book really hit home hard with my family of abusers and the dynamic between my parents oh lor d! and darkstalker/whiteout are basically like the two sides of my little DID ass back then and i just. man that book made me cry! i gotta shut up before i only talk about this one lol

3rd - talons of power, b=cause i love that little turtle prince hes SO GOOD! he and peril are siblings and i WILL protect them!! also again for purrsonal reasons, im a scalie, and it was the book when darkstalker was first released and m an . i love this fucking little asshole. king of the shitlords. founder of the badly written abuse victims club. and i loved learning more about turtle and his own shit but also hang on EXCUSE Me why are he and kinkajou straight?? tui do you have eyes?

4th - moon rising, honestly this one is also really personal to me because it came out when i was REALLY hittin the depression hard and it was just so. wonderful and ofc i loved darkstalker immediatly lmao but it also introduced the Fun Gang of little gays and i just. love that winglet if anything happened to them id kill everyone in the room including myself (sidenote, sutherland is a fucking coward for not making winter/qibli a thing cause idk if shes reading what im reading cause those dragons are Not Hetero)

5/6th - escaping peril, becua se oh my god that was the arc that peril fucking deserves! i know sutherland has been really fucky with how she writes abuse victims but i felt like that book was good at portraying a mentally ill abuse victim’s recovery like. it was so fucking cathartic to read am so down for this theme of abused kids killing their parents! rest in shit scarlet and arctic!! i just love peril so much and though she deserves better than to be written hetero i hope that some abused kids can read her book and know theyre not the ones at fault?? idk man it was just refreshing

5/6th - the hidden kingdom, cause i LOVE glory so much and honestly this ones tied with perils book cause both are such satasfying arcs for abused characters. glory was a huge CC of mine back in the abused days and i definitely cried when she became queen shes just So Good. AND KINKAJOU!! the absolute #1 little banana! i love her so mUCh and sutherland is once again a coward for nearly killing her then making her straight AND not even giving her a book?? wheres my kinkajou book? wHEr

7th - the dark secret, cause who doesnt fucking love our favorite anxiety librarian !! i hate his weird gross straight crush on sunny (theyre like adopted siblings sutherland what the fuck!!) but aside from bad writing its so good like im so sorry poor dear your family sucks sO MUCH! and fatespeaker is honestly precious, those other children all deserved so much better omg. i jsut loved reading starflight and him overcoming is struggles im so proud ALSO MORROWSEER DIES HAAHHH

8th - the dragonet prophecy, i feel kinda bad putting this so low because i also love the first winglet (except sunny) but especially clay hes. SO good and round! soft and gentle potato! i wish he was my brother holy shit also gotta love that escape from abuse narrative! love those fucking kiddos theyre blessed, i guess id put it down here bc sunnys annoying but the rest of the book makes up for it especially the arena parts were so intense

9th - winter turning, cause even though sometimes he leans too hard on Het Prick i blame again the bad writing and i was still happy to read him experience actual growth and learning about his abuse was ooohghf. jesus christ im glad once again it ended with a change of heart and an abuse victim escaping their shitty relatives like LORD!

10th - the lost heir, and dont get me wrong i love tsunami, this book is mostly down on the bottom because i HATE mothers and her mother is insufferable in this book and reminds me of my own and its just. ugh. all kinds of yuck. coral die challenge. otherwise i love tsunami’s arcs and the sea kingdom was so beautiful and cool and seawing culture is fucking radical i loved the underwater segments sm! tsu, anenome, and auklet deserve better pls protect

11th - the brightest night, cause AAUHGH SUNNY. its weird cause i used to love this book so much and relate to sunny a lot before i realized i related to it because of how hard id been gaslighted and shes actually pretty fucking annoying in pressing her abused siblings into forgiving/loving their abusers and even partaking in the gaslighting herself. of course shes the only one who got a decent mother too! like it wouldve been better if shed gone through a realization like i had but nope! shes terribly written and honestly contributed to my own trauma cause i read that when i was younger and was like oh lol okay thats normal! im sure (abuser) actually means well like ive been thinking all along! idk i dont like her perspective being out there for impressionable abused kids like me. that aside i do really love thorn My Queen and the sandwing kingdom and that ending was fucking awesome

12th - the lost continent, i mean, i havent even read all of this one cause i dont want to pay money for a book that is full of racism apologism holy shit? and using such sensitive topics as slavery and genocide when sutherland isnt black/jewish/native? like from what ive read from the online excerpts and heard from others these things were just used as a plot device and not only that, a really ugly narrative about how hating oppression is bad cause uwu not all in privilege are like that!! blue deserved better than that! and i dont trust or like cricket at all, i wish i could but shit dude! also the racism of that clearsight religion on top of everything just leaves a bad taste in my mouth. i hope sutherland gets her head out of her ass and maybe next time have the help of people who know what theyre writing about in subjects outside of your experience! just give me a book about peacemaker being gay! jesus

im not counting the winglets cause i dont remember them enough ahgjkdh but let it be known that i Fucking Hate deathbringer

[pavlovers]

amaryllis, bluebell, daisy, white jasmine, calla lily, magnolia, pansy, WISTERIA, wisteria, wisteria

amaryllis - name an attribute of yourself that you are proud of.

i always say this jfbcj but uhh yeah i like that im a thoughtful person i guess,, i always try to be super considerate and sweet to people, and in general i do put a lot of thought and effort into assignments and how i present myself yknow,, meticulous as the report cards call it. sometimes it's a pain bc obviously i overthink but it also pays off a lot of the time

bluebell - what keeps you humble?

i mean it is still an ongoing struggle for me to hold myself in good esteem, but that’s yknow a mental illness/bad childhood thing. 

idk,,i wouldnt say im extremely humble or anything; while i dont think of myself as superior or whatever, im still pretty bad w coping with failure and dealing with my weaknesses. but ive been going to therapy for the past year and its definitely helped me try to have a better perspective on stuff so,, ya girl’s progressing! 

daisy - describe something that gives you hope when things seem bleak.

i mean,, even when i feel like absolutely wrecked because i overwork myself at school and even then i dont get the grades i want, and im sleep deprived, and my mother treats me pretty terribly, and ive got a pretty limited social life, and im so uncertain about my future and college and all this other stuff high school makes seem like life or death decisions,, at the end of the day im still like 15 going on 16,, like literally it kinda wakes me up how much life i still have left to live and experience and learn from like oh my god,, i have so much time to improve. i gotta calm down once in a while. 

white jasmine - what is something that never fails to make you laugh?

maybe this is a childish answer but alex turner’s the one who literally decided to sing “kiss me underneath the moon’s sideboob” in a weird breathy falsetto so,,, 

calla lily - what traits do you find beautiful in others? in yourself?

idk if there's anything specific that draws me to people but in general I find most people who are super understanding and friendly and patient to be ✨💖 yknow,, i guess i also like people who are clearly very passionate about something,, like i love asking about someone's interests and they'll go on a rant about something they like and it's so clear that their thoughts are well-rehearsed and you can like feel their excitement as they're talking. and guess all that also applies to me too lol

magnolia - describe your favorite thing to do outdoors.

hmm taking high school classes that require ridiculous amounts of work to be done in a single evening has turned me into a bit of a hermit tbh,, my dad’s one of those old people who just got a fitbit and thus is super obsessed with walking everywhere so sometimes he makes me do that if i have the time, but i guess my absolute favorite thing to do outdoors is probably bike. i still ride this stupidly pink bike from when i was like 10 because im a short person and i get freaked out if im on a bike and my tip toes can’t touch the ground so i refuse to ride my dad’s bike, but oh man idk biking feels so freeing especially if its like summer and youre doing it while the sun is slowly setting. 

pansy - what is the most thoughtful thing that anyone has done for you?

i mean i cant recall being on the receiving end of any super grand gestures or anything but. i really can’t thank enough any and everyone in my life who ever went a lot out of their way to show that they cared about me, even if we weren’t/aren’t super close. whether it’s just messaging me regularly or making sure to talk to me whenever they have the chance, or giving me personalized gifts for my birthday or christmas at school even though i dont really celebrate either so i never think to give people things unless its for a party or something. yknow?? small stuff like that. 

wisteria - do you like poetry? if so, describe your favorite poem(s)

i do like it!! i wouldnt say im super invested in it or anything but i think it’s a beautiful form of literature to read and digest yknow

idk if i necessarily have too many all time favorite poems i can list off the top of my head, but a sylvia plath one that i read a few weeks ago that i really liked would have to be black rook in rainy weather! of course the imagery is absolutely beautiful, but i just really like the theme of finding inspiration, and how its like “a brief respite from fear of total neutrality”, like a rare moment of feeling purposeful instead of her usual depressed state,, i mean not that i can relate since i don't create anything in my free time anymore but i just love the way she expresses it

[tumblunni]

MORE UPDATES ON THINGS WHAT HAPPEN

The half week milestone of the hospital house thingie time! I think the term they use for it is "a residential stay"? Cos like its not a hospital its a shared housing block thats just full of doctors. I get to sleep in a real bed and there's a nice community room and board game nights and stuff. But its still really scary how intense the supervision can be! Like they have a window to look into your room once per hour every hour constantly. And they have to go through your undies and catalog them as part of the possessions check. I was not warned about that and it was mega embarassing trying to explain a binder to a bunch of old lady doctors! Oh and i had yo do a urine test today which was possibly the most fuckin embarassing thing in the actual universe. And you're not even allowed to take your own pills! They keep them locked in a big ominous wall of lockers and you have to come into the office and swallow the pill while theyre watching. I guess maybe because some people might be faking their illness and selling their pills on the black market or whatever? But that literally doesnt happen with antidepressants, they have no 'high' or even any effect at all on non-sick people. So it just makes no sense to me and its real embarassing cos like i said i suck at taking pills with plain water and without a straw. The ones i take are real damn chunky things the size of my thumbnail! I think i'l get better at not (literally) choking under pressure over time, tho. Hopefully.

Anyway that's all the bad out of the way! Now the good and the neutral and the just miscellaneous!

Its still nervewracking having to shower in a shared house but they have a cool walk-in shower and ive never tried one of those so it was vaguely interesting. And im allowed to take my showers early at 6am to minimize the chance of anyone else trying to use the door, lol. My biggest fear is having some staff member walk in on me when im naked like back in that homeless hostel. Oh or that time in the homeless hostel where the teenage boys filled the entire bathroom with inflated condoms wall to wall. Like wow so much damn effort to prank the stupid nervous bunni who probably would have been embarassed by literally anything else. Man this place is bringing so many memories of that homeless hostel but at least this time its a place specifically for sick people and they know i'm anxious doing shared cooking and board games and whatever so they dont make fun of me for it. But in a lot of ways that hostel had more freedoms too.. *shrug*

Anyway! A good! I get to have cooking lesson!! I know literally nothing about cooking and now i get to know several thing!! This nice doctor called Josie taught me how to make an omelette and i tasted ham for the first time! That is just how limited my life experiences are, lol. Oh and they want me to say that she's a 'mental health worker' not a doctor, but its all real confusing?? Like they have the staff that look after you and then the only ones we're supposed to call doctors are the ones who actually have the authority to prescribe pills and diagnosies. But like if youre in a hospital you'd call them all doctors, not just the actual surgeon? Or i guess theyre kinda like nursing home staff?? But they cant be support workers cos support workers are specific government assigned inspector type guys like Richard who only meet with you once a week.and i have to remember to not call him a social worker either cos social workers only work with family and custody related stuff. I dunno?? Basically the medical industry has a lot of names that dont really describe what the actual thing is, lol. Anyway the ham omelette was great and now im gonna try and remember so i can try and make it myself next time! HAM ACCOMPLISHED

Also i played bingo with a few other patients and it was fun but funny that i lost 6 times in a row when there were only 3 of us. I got a consolation prize of a pack of neon highlighter pens so hell yeah!!

I'm getting booked in to try some additional classes starting next week on monday and tuesday morning. The computer programming one was sadly unavailable, but i managed tp snag a place in "confidence building group therapy" and "basic how to use power tools". I wasnt really all that interested in that one but i thought it would be a useful skill even if its less fun. And maybe you get to actyally make something to take home at the end? A lil shelf to help organize this awkward lil room better, maybe?

And an unexpected bonus of being semi-hospitalized is that i get a free bus pass! And cos im here cos of my social anxiety theyre gonna help me get outside more and actually use this thing to the fullest! The first thing we did was the trip to actually get the bus pass itself. It was like "bus, take my money to take me to the place where i can never give you money again!" XD Ive been really stupidly nervous about going on tne bus in my old neighbourhood cos MAN it was really isolated there and everything just amplified my mental illness. An almost two hour bus ride to get to ANY SHOPS AT ALL, with only one bus for the whole town so it was always crowded and full of screaming kids and gossipy everyones. Social anxiety: maximum level proud mode!

So yeah i feel BIG ACCONPLISHED! I was able to take this bus for the first time with a doctor coming with me. Power Grandpa The Strong. His actual name is Paul and he has awesome sleeve tattoos of like anchors and dragons and sports teams and stuff! And he likes thrift stores and wearing silly hats too! Its like he's powerful enough to wrestle away everyone's anxieties! I was able to be a bit reckless too and i went out wearing my fave shirt thats like trans pride coloured plaid. A POWERFUL SHIRT IS REQUIRED FOR THIS QUEST! so we went to the office to register this bus pass and i panicked a bit cos apparantky we brought the wrong form and i wrote my name in the wrong box and then my passport photo looked terrible and aaa! But it all worked out and i was kinda freaking out for nothing. And he took me for a lil tour of the place and showed me this cool shop that does spray paint tye dye t shirts with spiderman on them?? Why does this incredibly specific shop exist and how have i never heard of it before?? There was also a new harry potter shop next to the disney shop, and the old used book store i used to visit as a kid was still there, complete with rickety spiral staircase and ominous basement trap door. I'm still not brave enough to go down there, but apparantly its just the history books section so meh. Then we actually went to a fancy coffee shop and i had this brain freeze mango ice frappucchino thing! Im trying all the new foods!!

And i was TOO HIGH ON DECADENCE and made a RECKLESS CHOICE! i blame power gramp's amazing tattoos, they were totally whispering to me that i shoukd screw the rules and ride off into the sunset on a metaphorical harley davidsen of mental health

So i was like Hey Paul I Am Totally Fine Getting Home On My Own, and it was like i was floating off in the distance somewhere begging my body to not speaketh these words. But it ended up working out okay! The excitement of it all and the sense of accomplishmebt from getting there all okay allowed me to mostly not freak out as i spent the day in town and looked at some shops and stuff. Basic Living Skills: Completed! I chilled out in the library (tho i dont have a card yet, alas!) and visited like five comic and anime stores, and got lost but found a Pizza Hut and that was SO NOSTALGIC FOR MY CHILDHOOD and it didnt taste quite as good as i remembered but the waiter guy was super nice and had a similar shirt and it was All Good! Oh and i gave all my money to a homeless person and that's why i'm broke now. And i bought a plastic slug! I just saw it from across the room and was like OH NO I AM BEING MAGNETISED TOWARDS IT OH NO IT HAS ALREADY BEEN BOUGHT. I need to think of a name for this new friend!!

So yeh i got home okay and i felt really acconplished and that was the furthest trip away that i've taken in ages! Man my mental illness makes me feel pathetic, but it also brings ridiculously big joys from the smallest of silly acconplishys!

Oh and thank you so much to the people who sent me emails! It really helped so much to keep me from giving up during the first few days before i made a bit of progress and felt like i could really do this, yknow? Especially big thanks tp the friend who sent me that mysterious super happy song that they found on a mystery disc in a german market?? Im still not sure whether its in greek or hasidic jewish but it sounds AMAZING and i hope someday i can figure out the band so i can hear their other singles!

Ok this is bunni out! BIG HUGS FOR THE EVERYONE AAAA

[moldypieceoflasagna]

36 questions that nobody asked me

(except @lollipoppedchainsaw )

(the 36 questions that lead to love or whatever) https://www.nytimes.com/2015/01/11/fashion/no-37-big-wedding-or-small.html

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

I hate going out to dinner so much i probably wouldnt be able to enjoy it properly

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?

It would be interesting to see what it’s like for a short period of time, but i’d never be able to keep it up; i’d probably have an identity crisis

3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

yes i have to mentally prepare myself 100% of the time

4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?

hanging out with the people i love is enough to keep me happy for a good while tbh. sitting around doing nothing literally nothing with them is endlessly entertaining to me even though sometimes i might make that hard to believe 

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

i sing to myself a lot, not so much to others- although��i AM a slut for karaoke

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

body because i feel thats probably what old people complain about most. plus like,, 90 years of life knowledge? sounds great to me

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

probably an accident that’s almost statistically impossible

8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

single rn (ladies) but i usually try to find friends with similar music tastes because scream-singing in the car is the most fun one can have

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

im most grateful for my dogs and for my friends! i love them and it means the world to me to have people that i can call family. also i would die without my dog juno, she is my rock (and my therapist)

10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

Not rly how i was raised, but i wish i had a closer relationship with my older siblings. Three of them had moved out before i was rly old enough to not be an asshole child, so most of them still see me as an asshole child and they never take me seriously. im glad i have an alright relationship with them, but that’s kinda all it is and i know i could do better

11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

Lived in Texas my whole life yeehaw. I have 2 brothers and 2 sisters; 2 of them dont like me, and my relationship with the other 2 is,, certainly not bad. Had a lot of physical and mental illness in the past, but 20gayteen is definitely my year, yeet

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

either speaking a different language or playing the piano. im very jealous of good piano players, and at some point i need to be able to speak a more useful language than french because so far in texas it’s proved absolutely useless (other than talking to my mom but that doesnt count)

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?

I’d wanna know wtf im supposed to do with my life because sweaty i still have no idea. passion? dont know her please introduce me

14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

i wanna go skydiving bitch, no one wants to go with me! pussies!!! the lot of you

15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

that one time i did an entire semester’s worth of work in the last three days of the school year

16. What do you value most in a friendship?

being able to put up with my huge fucking mouth. also honesty is super important, even if it’ll make me feel shitty

17. What is your most treasured memory?

when i went camping with a bunch of friends and they were bitter i got to be in the middle of the tent because they were all cold. either that or the time i was getting really bad sleep paralysis and @lonelywaterfall & @skity stayed over so my paranoia didnt render me completely useless,,, also the paramore concert lol ive never been more vulnerable in my life.

18. What is your most terrible memory?

coming out to my mom haha

19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

i’d go on a trip around the world to explore/to see a few people, and i’d put extra effort into my gender expression

20. What does friendship mean to you?

comfortable silence is my kink. also emotional vulnerability and SAD BOY HOURS we cant forget those

21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?

I’m such a slut for physical affection yall have no idea please hug me as much as possible and play with my hair or my hands

22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.

i guess ill do the same with previous partners so.. i think being funny is probably the #1 thing i appreciate in someone. when you make me laugh so hard i cry, just know that’s like. peak. also stubbornness is strangely attractive to me, plus like,,, uh having an unexpected soft side? an appreciation of art is super important, too. also SPOON VERSATILITY.

23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?

it was probably happier than a lot of people’s but there wasnt much to it. plus being the youngest in my ENTIRE family really sucked during my childhood because everyone picked on me and i think that’s probably what started a lot of my issues lol

24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

better than it could be, but definitely not what i want it to be. we both love each other and i admire her work ethic, but she gave me a lot of anxiety problems (both genetically and not) and she isnt the most understanding person. i have hope though, people change

25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling …

I’m hungry and sitting alone in front of my computer feeling like OVERSHARING ON THIS BEAUTIFUL THURSDAY MORNING, BOYS

26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share …

many, MANY animals and a lighthouse in the middle of nowhere

27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.

I’m REALLY insecure about my body xd

28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.

LOVE feeling safe. 

29. Share an embarrassing moment in your life.

probably every time that i’ve ever worn a dress, because i really,, really dont like wearing dresses and that’s it

30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

last cried by myself this morning and last cried in front of another person at my friend’s birthday party

31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.

no partner but if youre reading this im rly proud of ur attention span. gj buddy

32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

i think most things can be joked about after a certain amount of time, but like,, it has to actually be funny and it has to come from someone i know isnt serious about it. if a joke is made just for the purpose of being offensive and edgy, it’s never funny no tea just truth. 

33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?

i’d regret not spending enough time with people that i love, not traveling as much as i should have, and also i’d regret not formally coming out of the closet to my family (they probably already been done knew but like. yknow). i came out to myself & the people closest to me a LONG ass time ago, but i’ve kinda seen what it did to my immediate family so im not too excited to do that to my extended family. if i’m not too much of a pussy, ill probably do it in the summer when i see them next, bc ive been meaning to for a while.

34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

is it bad of me to say my computer? i feel like everyone else has a much more meaningful answer lol. it would probably either be that or the papers i keep on my bulletin board, bc most of them hold a lot of sentimental value (also my prescriptions  would be a pain to get copies of)

35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?

either of my parents because i dont want them dying before i reach the point where i can expect them to be happy for me when i marry a girl

36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

personal problems? what’re those lmfao dont have any srry try me again later

 i’m too much of a pussy to tag certain people so if you see this and I've had any sort of conversation with you, do it coward

(also @skity  @drawinintherain )