#im just anxious about school ignore my bs

[amberandomly]

Caught himself a bushman~

[futurefind]

//dear god i hate anxiety in general but esp the positive feedback loop of 'no talk me anxious' -> extra anxious bc no Talking -> no talk me anxious-- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

(vent/neg below the cut :'))) aaaaaaaa)

nothing quite like missing my og tumblr career yeah bc more active rpc but also being able to be shameless and confident!!! bc i didnt have extreme trauma from ppl playing polite to my face and then HAVING to have shit talked me behind my back to organize an en masse blocking And Then give give me a reason you suck speech 'bc you asked for honesty (while having a breakdown on main) that!! explicitly blamed the new trauma thatd ACTIVELY fuck with me for a year on before i could even start to get better abt it!! being too excited!! and not being able to 'tell' that ppl wanted me to stfu/was 'pushing' shit and that ppl were lying to me abt interest!! AND that i was shitty and 'guilt tripping' by saying i felt unwanted/unwelcomed (when i WAS lmfao)!!!! and my first ever 'friend' group/social setting no less!!! on top of making me feel like shit for my Already shitty mh!!

i miss having the spoons and shamelessly to just Initiate and jump into ppls inboxes more!! :'))) i miss when we were ALL younguns w relative spoons and just Time for our blorbo sandbox hobby!!

and!! (esp wrt hellbrain/anxiety bs!! im not blaming anyone for anything at all but!! AAAAAAAAAA) having always always always felt like a Z Team chaser :'))) where if i'm not actively shoving myself in everyones face theyll just ignore me and feel i dont even exist until i myself remind them. and i Know!! its not personal!! and that everyone has their own lives and social circles but!!! i rlly wish i wasnt batting a like max 2% hit rate at Actually making friends to begin with least of all keeping them LEAST OF ALL getting to be a Part of their lives/social circles rather than just a passerby :')))

to say nothing of the hell that is having no irls and wanting to MAKE some....... post 2020. when theres like no third spaces anywhere. or rec centers. or just fucking School Clubs for adults. to say nothing of being unable to even try for Most of that time since then bc too ashamed to bc spent most of that time unemployed :'))) and think ur boring awkward etc etc :')))

to say nothing of pms + having a horrific fight w my bro sunday night just before moms birthday bc 'no one cares abt him/his feelings' and 'everyones gaslighting him' and 'what about HIS feelings'.......... when i all of tried to explain how/why he hurt My feelings like fucking great job dude way to fucking communicate like an adult and not use ur rsd/anxiety/mh as an excuse to bully ppl into shutting up. yeah its bad to tear down ppl and hurt their feelings but only if sb Otehr than you is doing it great talk way to validate me not feeling safe around you and refusing to indulge in you trying to bully/shittalk me into talking to you w passive aggression instead of just Trying To Talk Normally

just!! screams!!!!!!! wish i didnt have to feel cuz its all shit all the way down and!!!!! screams.

[rppik]

You know what? Fuck you, self. Fuck you and your shitty anxiety and depression. Fuck worrying about whether or not things are gonna be okay and fuck giving up because you don’t think they will be. You’re gonna have a good life whether you like it or not. You’re gonna stop worrying about your first time doing the things that scare you because you’re gonna do it all and you’re gonna do em so well that you’ll wonder what you were nervous about. All the things in the “future” that seem so intimidating now are gonna be your yesterday and the only thing stopping you from making that happen and moving on to better things is your own feel of failure. It’s okay to wait until you’re ready and to take your time and to get prepared, but it’s also okay to take risks and end up failing. You can fail as many times as you want and it’ll be okay because you’ll only get better with that practice. If you don’t try at all, however, you’ll never progress and your obstacles will only feel more intimidating. So go at your own pace, make mistakes, and fucking live life. Even if you can’t do anything about your problems now you can always prepare. At the very least you shouldnt waste your time worrying because you already established there’s nothing you can do just yet. So chill the fuck out and use that energy for something productive. You’re gonna be fine.

[burnedbyshoto]

Somethings I feel like you have split personality. I see you really nice somethings and welcoming and awesome and I think I want to be your friend and I admire you. Then another time I see you lose it completely and just snap at someone even for a simple mistake and just tear them apart and I think "who is that person" and idk if you're noticed that about yourself but yeah....

maybe it’s because my campus just emailed us saying it’s shutting down after spring break and i’m in this weird anxious ball that I feel like I want to reply to this even though it could have been buried in my askbox.

(these were my test results for the big 5 personality test, just in case you really wanna delve into who i am as a person LOL)

anyways I think it’s pretty interesting about what you say about your observances on me because I don’t think you’re wrong in the slightest. I am a very nice, caring and nurturing person. i’m the oldest and eldest daughter in an immigrant mexican family. it’s been drilled into me to be that way. without trying to seem... braggy or egocentric??? I guess??? I think i’m a very fun person to be around because i’m always on the move and can make both extroverts, ambiverts, and introverts feel comfortable!!! (in middle and high school I was known for basically transforming shy kids into very loud and boisterous people). i’m welcoming and kind because I feel that everyone deserve kindness, everyone deserves to be treated with compassion and sweetness and love!

but people seem to forget that while I am this bubbly idiot who is annoyingly loud, trying to be the mom friend of the group (although i’m definitely more of the wanna be mom friend), I am a very observant, calculating, and albeit limited on patience person. i have a sharp tongue, i cuss so much that people find it weird when i don’t cuss, and i’m a very calm and collected person. i don’t jump to conclusions very often — because even i sometimes crack under monumentous emotions and stress — and tend to come off as unemotional because of it sometimes. I have pretty damn great intuitions of people in terms of their relationship to me. it takes one interaction for me to figure out whether or not we can be friends — and honestly it hasn’t worked out on the internet as easily as it does irl but that’s okay! I see things, I notice things, and by all means i’m fiercely loyal and don’t truly believe in second chances (to explain second chances I mean for seriously big issues. so like if I catch you talking mad shit about me behind my back you’re not worth it to me so I won’t bother with you anymore. there’s no logical reasoning behind actions like that. but if you were like keeping secrets from me because you felt insecure about what I would say and it caused a fight i’d forgive you because that’s something worth figuring out — if that’s something they want to figure out as well!)

because of these moral and ethical conditions of mine, and because I will literally die for the people I love with my sharp tongued persona — which again is shown in my welcoming and kind presence, it’s just ignored because I am a loud blubbering idiot for fun. I am kind, I am welcoming, but i’m no pushover and i’m not afraid of how I come off because in the end I do feel like my feelings are justified.

honestly though, i’m not really sure what i’ve snapped into for a tiny little mistake??? sorry I don’t mean to be rude or anything of that manner, i’m just genuinely curious as to when i’ve snapped like that here??? the only time i’ve had an issue here was surrounding the server which deals with a lot of background information. background information that I cannot fill you in on when you don’t experience it all for yourself on my server but only read about it for yourself be it on my blog or through the mouth or words of someone else. you must also remember that i’m an admin and there’s a bunch of things going on behind the scenes that we don’t always share because some information just isn’t worth sharing because it has nothing to do with you. and people be bringing bs drama to my askbox instead of dming me on discord like I say they should, choosing to instead bring private details to public light and except me to just take it??? nah that’s not me, especially since those words attack more than just me. I can deal with people not liking me, it happens, it’s life, but I don’t like when my friends get slandered. it’s just who i am.

but yeah... how I see it is that I don’t tear into people unless they’ve done something to someone I value highly in my life, or because they’ve screwed up entirely so.

i’m sorry you’ve come to think of me as an angel and this horrific demon, it was never my intention! I do my best with what I can and hell if you think I dont see how I am as a person I can confidentially assure you that i am aware of a lot of my flaws. I know that my reasonings and feelings above are flawed — I am 100% aware! but at the same time I don’t feel the need to change right now because not only does it work for me, but frankly I don’t think I deserve to be torn into and just take it. i’m a “popular blog” sure, but i’m not some prized animal for anons to try and take down and hang on their walls like some trophy.

oh and also!!! i am suspectible hangry and “im too fucking tired for this” moodswings which do very much sour my personality!

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

i finally watched the video of Greta Thunberg addressing the UN climate summit yesterday afternoon, and had some thoughts. here they are lmao:

Greta Thunberg’s speech is fucking incredible. Greta Thunberg is a force to be reckoned with, and i’m 1000% behind her. she’s fucking incredible. this speech is so impassioned and heart-wrenching that i damn near cried my eyes out. the anger towards climate denial and also its non-addressing is palpable across the world, especially notable in the climate strikes just last fucking week.

i can’t believe that Greta’s just 16 and talking to the fucking UN. 16 year old me was nowhere brave enough to even do half of her English speeches in high school, let alone address a bunch of fucking world leaders at the UN. nor was she smart enough on the topic of climate change. hell, im pretty sure she fucking ignored it completely bc she was all “i’ll never be political because politics is bullshit!!!! so i don’t believe anything!!” if anything, she would’ve probably also made some stupid joke about being incinerated by the sun in the future (#youareultraviolet) or some dumb shit and leave it at just that (like yes i’ll admit i did this about a month ago now, but sometimes it’s just nice to make a joke when you remember you’re gonna die soon. i mean it’s like lol). bc she refused to engage in anything. “denial of everything is fun, so bring on the arma-goddamn-motherfucking-geddon bc nothing is real!” is also some dumb edgy bs 16yo me would’ve said to deflect talking on climate change or anything really. but current me? no sir. we need to talk about this.

but also. not Greta. Greta’s got the facts and she’s got the fucking nerve to stare down leaders for change. I don’t have that, but I now know that the world is in fucking peril. just look at drought stricken rural Australia. just fucking watch David Attenborough’s "Our Planet" netflix doco series, and witness walruses throwing themselves off land cliffs to enter the water... then dying as they hit the water.... bc there is no longer enough ice for them to stay at water level...... and fucking tell me that there IS NOT a problem with the climate. like y’all i fucking CRIED (😭) each time i watched that sequence during the Our Planet ep, and the movie about the filming of the Our Planet.

fucking tell me that i’m a “snowflake” or a “drone” or an “over-dramatic puppet” and yeah sure. whatever. but call Greta Thunberg any of those things and I will throw fucking hands. she is fucking RIGHTFULLY anxious and LIVID that people the who are in charge of the world are deliberately ignoring strategies to address climate change/global warming; and are instead still worshipping coal as the only power source. that’s even got me fucking pissed.

or how about back here in australia, where we’ve got fucking *sneers and cringes simultaneously* scomo/scummo who deliberately and infamously fucking took a piece of coal to parliament (no one’s forgotten, scott morrison). a man who is a prime minister that acts like an ACTUAL TEENAGER refusing to listen to their parents (or in this case, their neighbours.... and oh please hold the fucking irony pearls here) at the climate conference between australia and the pacific islands/Fiji just LAST MONTH. a so-called leader who told fundamentally told the leaders of Fiji and other countries to basically “fuck off and die anyway bc we love coal and gas and killing the environment!!! how dare YOU take OUR money to fix YOUR countries and the climate???” those leaders then understandably broke down into tears.... all bc our prime minister essentially told them to walk on water or drown; by letting their homes sink into the sea for some sweet black rock from the ground. and this is obvs all while we somehow wouldn’t die in the future bc “coal and gas!!!” which are the reasons for climate change anyway. like hmm thanks for the backwards thinking old scotty boi. to put it in bogan terms: you need an uppercut to the head, aye, ya fucking dumb dog cunt. so many thanks for caring about the youth, scomo! (oh wait, you fucking don't).

ANYWAY. yeah. I’m tired. we are all tired. but not Greta. she’s going for the fucking jugular and i CANNOT praise her enough. also, I for one (and obvs for many younger millennials and gen z people), say that I would very much like to live past my early 30s, because that’s when the world’s gonna fuckin implode it in the predictions.

I want my nephew to have a life. I want all my friends with kids, kids to have a life where they’re not living with a non-stop impending fucking doom of mass extinction over their heads. hell, I kinda don’t want to be hearing that now! thanks! I’m 24 next month. and i'm still fucking kicking and young! and now you tell me that i’m just MEANT to DIE™️ (☠️😵) in 12 years time bc some shitty politicians can’t stop making sweet backroom love deals to oil and coal execs?!?!?! who are still denying that we're going to die soon if we do nothing??? (like 12 years ain't really that long, yall). OH HOW FUCKING LOVELY!!!! like totally #dontwantobeanaussieidiotamiright???? bc that’s all the youths are good at apparently? creating and using hashtags???? and being good little baa baa black sheep??? no. not anymore. they’re out for your blood. and by fucking anything, we fucking deserve it.

go fucking get them Greta! you truly are a leader and a more of an adult than most world leaders are right now.

[alexismartinez18]

Vent Sesh, since no one ever reads these.

So my dog is currently basically being fostered by a person who I considered a friend for a long time, through all the bs she has put me through and all the mean things she has said and done, I remained a faithful friend, though I should have caught on to the red flags way sooner. I wont get into detail of the things she has done because there are just way too many. Anyways,she has had my dog for about a year now, I moved across country and he was supposed to come with me, but things with the airlines didnt work out and so I couldnt bring him, and in an emergency, I asked her to hold him until I got settled here and then id come get him. Well as I said its been a little over a year, because I was trying to settle in, get a stable job and what not, I was supposed to use some tax return money and school refunds to get him, but the taxes ended up being taken from me and my school refund ended up all going towards rent because I still wasn’t working. I finally got a job, however with my job being based on reputation and what not,  I wasn’t booking many jobs at first, I wasnt even making enough to be able to afford rent at the time, and I was stressing out becuase I didnt want to get kicked out of my home, and if i did, i would have nowhere to go, and Im also states away from home on the other side of the country, I was struggling hard. I ended up getting a second job, but even that job I was just making enough to pay my bills and eat. I eventually quit that job and worked my other job more and ended up getting a job with a great family whom became like my family, however, I was still making just enough to cover rent. I should Also mention that during this transition between jobs, I ended up moving to another apartment, which is where my next school money refund went to, because I had become severely depressed and anxious at my other home, and was ready to end it all. I knew I needed to get away for the sake of my mental health, because I was seriously leaning towards suicide, but I wanted to live for my family and for my dog. I moved, got my stable job, but it was still just enough to cover my rent and utilities. Next school money came and it all went to helping me cover rent because things at work were starting to slow down. Then January rolled around and I got the sickest I have ever been, I was out of work for about 3 1/2 of the 5 weeks and was pretty much screwed with bills and such, I was late on rent, because I live paycheck to paycheck, and so when my school money came in, of course that was where it went to, however, becuase I was still working, even though I was living paycheck to paycheck, I still did manage to get a plane ticket to go get my baby. I made it for the beginning of April as the virus was just becoming a thing, and we weren’t quarantined just yet, things were still pretty normal, but flights had started to get cheaper. I had no idea, as most of us didn’t, that we were going to be stuck inside all the time quarantined before this happened, however, after learning of how serious this virus actually is and being home, I decided it was best to hold off for a couple months to let things die down, as for 1, I had 0 protection at the time, no face masks or anything, and 2. I didnt want to risk getting sick, especially after the hell I had gone through in January after being sick for 3 1/2 weeks and then I live with other people, I didnt want to get them sick either or get anyone else I came in contact with sick, this virus is not something to take lightly. I had been wanting to change the flight for a while, but was anxious as to what the girl would say, and so because I was having so much anxiety towards the whole thing, i ended up changing it the day before I was to leave (anxiety sucks) and I finally fought through my anxiety and told her. Well this did not go well, she ended up getting mad that I changed my flight to a later month (June) because I didnt ask her if that was okay, even though she knows theres a horrible virus going around and that we should all be staying in so that we dont catch it or get others sick. I have not heard my so called friend ever since, Ive reached out, and Im being ignored, Im basically blocked on her social media, if i try and ask how my dog is doing she doesnt answer, all because I wanted to wait out this pandemic so that I and others dont get sick and possibly lose our lives. Now im here, dont know what to do, having constant horrible anxiety because I dont know how my dog is doing, and he is literally my entire life.