#im in love with how it turned out tho. even if i CLEARLY lost steam later

[risingsunresistance]

i dont think i've ever had such a drastic change from sketch to final

i also dont think an idea has ever taken me this long to execute JHDKFH

[strawberryseeded]

veryveeeeeeeery personal vent :P

2day a had a HUGE breakdown ….ha.ha… of course it was abt my job. n my health.

i got out of work (after one of the WORST days in a long time) TEAR EYED n sniffling like stupid. started walking 2 get off sum steam .or something. walked (sobbing) til reaching the more commercial street n was like i deserve smt nice !! so i bought some air-dry clay. sobbed inside the store also (trying rly hard to actually keep my cool. it just was impossible). but got the clay. yay. got out n sobbed some more while walking. saw sum cute tees on a store window. thought i deserve this too !!!! is the money worth it if i feel like this????? no way in hell!!!!!!!!!!! but im Trying to make it worth it!!!!! rly cute tees btw, i ended up buying both of them 👍they were soooo cheap<3 *sobbing again as i write this! * *

pics of the tees :)

i actually couldnt find a pic of the chocolate one but its similar to the one i put here. just cooler(?)

anyways

when i got home 4 the 1st time i vented 2 my friends abt part of it, how tired and worried i was n they immediatly were like brother this is clearly somatization at play..,n i was likee hehe yeah maybe :P *keeps crying *

my mom got home sum hrs later, i broke down in front of her as wellll.......i was like mom this isnt normal this yr i got sick SIX TIMES since i started working, one time after another. i hv NEVER gotten sick so many times before tell me im not crazy n you are thinking the same as i am. she was like what do you mean. i answered MY JOB my job its getting me sick. she said you dont know that. maybe they arent related you werent sick last year and you had the same job. and what are you gonna do if not this, anyways? have you thought about it? i said No (crying) bc i HAD thought abt it, several times since last yr, but absolutely NOTHING has come to mind since then. which is the important part & what she was asking anyways.

i told her im not asking you to fully support me until i find another job. i just need you to agree with me that this isnt NORMAL.

her: you need to go to the clinic. get some studies done. go to therapy. then we'll talk. you can't quit your job, what are you gonna do in the meantime?

me: i dont Know!!! that's whats freaking me OUT!!! * SOBS AND SOBS*

her: well then TAKE THE NECESSARY STEPS to know what are you gonna do!

me: i get it but i can't stand to keep getting sick anymore!!

in the end we both went to the farmacy n she bought me a shitton of vitamins and cough syrup etc etc.

sighs.

idk

im so lost. i was so set on "enduring and search for smt else in the meanwhile".. it seemed like the perfect plan!!! but apparently the enduring part was... way harder than what i expected? (as u can see the search. did not bear fruits) which makes me feel really really pathetic ;_;

in general my job makes me feel rly pathetic and vulnerable and like im not cut for it!!! (and keep in mind i went to SCHOOL for it. it was my choosen career!!!) that's why everytime i talk abt it here im so vague abt it n just say i hate it or that it tires me out a lot, or that im gonna kms one of these days(lol) . irl its kinda the same i just try to sound more positive and like im a normal, functional member of society even tho i dont feel like that At all. bc if I dont its just SAD.

where was i going w this....

god. idk. i just. i fantasize everyday abt quitting. everyday. but i just cant. i feel so alone and useless, both when im working and also off the clock bc i just cant help but drag with me everything i think & feel abt the "worker me" everywhere i go.

wouldnt want anyone i love to ever feel this way.

anyways. u hv NO IDEA how much my eyes sting rn, they hv all day. idk if its bc i cried so much.. also im still sick so im rly rly tired..:( so im just gonna stop now.

i still have hope and dreams, despite it all! i just hv 2 yet find the way to turn them into reality.

[babywitchintraining1]

I Was All Alone.

Pairing: Jungkook x reader

Genera: Angst, and a bit of fluff not much tho

summery: kookie comes back home from so many month on tour, he is excited to see you! until he and the boys are called back for more shows and gigs and you cant take being alone anymore.

i kinda wanna make a part 2 to this, what do you guys think?

It was just one of those days. you know where you feel like your floating or just feel numb? sometimes you wonder... why in the bluest fuck do i feel like this when i should be happy..? well i don’t really know and i cant even begin to describe the feeling anymore then those two words. floating and or numb.

“BABY I’M HOME!” you smiled small to the sound of your boyfriend for almost a year yelling at you. you peeked your head out of the kitchen and looked at him as you continued to smile at his bunny like grin. “welcome home kookie, I've missed you so much” he put his things down and walked over to you and gave you a kiss on the cheek and grabbed a water bottle out of the fridge and turned back to you once again. “so my sweetie pie, what did you do for the many months i was gone?” you kinda looked away and just shrugged and replied with a simple and very quiet but audible “nothing” he arched an eyebrow, and walked over to you and wrapped his arms around your waist tightly and sighed deeply. “jagi.. whats bothering you?” a simple shake of your head and not looking at the bunny boy was all that was needed. “come on, you swore before i left you would talk to me if you got upset over this (y/n).” you simply sighed and pulled away from him and walked to the couch mumbling things to your self. “i would of done more if you were here from those long months...” kookie perked up and turned to you kind of upset that you would pin him being gone for so long on him. “i know your upset, but don’t pin me being gone on me, its my job (y/n) i cant help it if you don’t Skype, face-time, or even attempt to contact me-” you looked up at him with a blank face, but clearly you were steaming. you decided that staying in the same room with him form this point would be a bad idea, so you left. walking up the stairs you herd him sigh. “baby. come on. please talk to me. tell me how your feeling. please” you clenched your fist and turned to him slowly and looked at him. “how i’m feeling? really. you think that everything is gonna be totally fine when you leave for so many months, you think that just because i’m here with out you i should rely on myself to contact you when your in a hotel room with 6 boys that always like to take alone time away from on us whether it be on tour or off! do you not understand that i love you, i do.. but you don’t understand how alone i feel when i’m home here alone... its been a long damn long time since we’ve done anything related to this relationship we have!” you closed your eyes and looked down and turned away from kookie. “(y/n) listen.. i promise to you i will make this up to you i will.. but for tonight can w-we just lay together and be with each other before...” you turned to kookie quickly. “before what?” you groaned in annoyance. “before you leave again for your tour dates?! you leave for fucking months jungkook!! i cant do it! i-i cant!” you grabbed at your hair and panted. “what? what cant you do anymore huh!? us?! is is us!? because i have a fucking job! because the job i hsave includes monthly long tours?! is that it!? huh!?” you were angry. you felt all your anger boil inside you and had to let it out.

“no! no kook thats not it! you dont get it do you! im all alone here! no kids! no animales! i cant have a friend because i cant trust people these days since im dating Jeon Jungkook! the makane from BTS! dont you understand! im lonely! im depressed! im- im!-” you were cut off by your tears as you colapased infront of him. you tried to hold it back, you tried to be happy for him. for his job. for you both. but you couldnt take it anymore.. the more you stayed in a place that brought you happiness, that was always empty ever few months. you couldn’t look  back on memories of you both together with out feeling tears stream down your face. 

“(y/n) hunny.. what do you mean by all this?” jungkooks voice was shaking. he was purely terrified to lose the girl he has been with for almost a year. he couldnt lose the girl he loved, cared for. jungkook looked at the crying, shaking weak girl before him. he waited for her answer, he waited for her to look up at him and jump in his arms for comfort. but she didn’t do anything, she stayed put crying shaking. until she finally stood. “im leaving you..” Jungkook felt his whole world freeze, he felt his heart stop. his body numb. his eyes trained on her tear stained face, not noticing himself started to cry. “l-leaving?” she nodded towards him. “i cant stay here.. i cant keep pretending im alright! i cant keep going on with you acting ass if im fine when you leave! when we talk on skype on the phone! i cant keep living a lie! im.. im sorry jungkook.. but this is goodbye” tears fell from the girls eyes. jungkook couldnt move, he was frozen. she walked past him towards the front door. he stood and heard her movements. he herd the door open and close. and thats when he lost his composure. he broke, he screamed, yelled, cried. he had lost his girlfriend for almost a year, the one girl that stood by his side, that loved him as much as he loved her.now shes gone. “please come back...”  he whispered. her words playing in his head. 

“I was all alone!”