#im in a state of constant nerves. i do not show it though im super calm on the outside but inside tummy hurts :\ fucking sucks!!!!

[jascurka]

professor answer me mail...

[pwblogarchive]

December 2006

December 3, 2006

“status”

yesterday i fell backwards through a window- sure it was sugarglass and light wood.still felt the nerves slip.been sleeping 3 hour nights.i love watching people sing and speak and write about the people and things that they love.it makes me feel regular again.gave up on love when i started seeing about it in gossip rags.gave up on god when i realized one day my father was gonna die.gave up on myself too many times to count- you could trade mistakes for sheepand count me away forever at night.thanks for never giving up on me.even when you truly should have.and most of our incoherrent thought is wasted on whether it will mean more to stay or to go. if we can get home before the light hits our bedroom.

December 3, 2006

“a penny for your thoughts”

im sensing some antidote in the way the world has been speaking to me.but im all heart with these fingers stuck in my ears-playing scenes from my childhood so loud that i cant hear whats happened to me.you cant fly these wings, you cant sleep in this box with me.somewhere theres a backroom for us to be swapping spit in. a ditch for me to be forgotten again."there are plenty of fish in the sea" quip pretty fisherman on boats in stocked lakes and fish farms.do you think about me when you see the moon in the afternoon?"shape up or ship out"im nailed and boarded up in a box addressed to somewhere else.of all gods jokes, i am the most cruel- i will make you forget your headand your rulesand your friendsand your faithwe are bricks on gas pedals.we are the ink on forged checks.i will make you mine and then forget you.my head is too crowded for the company.can we go back to how it was?before there was a world out the front door that got off on being down.stockpiled good fortune and am ready to wait out the storm.i want you in my after 12am veins.lately it all just feels like looking up through ice in a frozen pond at red cheeked families skating, carefree.to be honest, even though im nodding off in airport lounges-id rather lay my head on a curb somewhere with you than any of the rest of it.and the universe doesnt care about luck or headlines.someone whispered "make yourself" in my ear once.steal me away from all of this.make yourself.

12/03/06 Q&A

question

I was just wondering, how much profanity can be expected on the new album?

answer

not too much more than what you hear in “arms race”- though i have a mouth like a sialor. i tend to write in more hyper sexualized metaphors- nothing that would warrant a sticker or anything tho…

question

who you like better.. old pete or new pete?

answer

people always seem to be in a constant state of flux. noone stays the same forevr but the change never seems to happen overnight. old pete got grounded alot and stuff but to tell you the truth ive never cared too much for either. in all honesty.

question

pete, you guys owe the midwest big time you tottaly skipped us on the FOE tour…you arent playing a show in iowa or chicago… =[

answer

duh like wed ever space out on our hometown, like we dont have something super special planned just for you that is NOT part of the tour—- that goes for a couple of places we are “skipping”- have a bit of faith. we try not to let you down…

question

Push-up bras: in or out in 2006?

answer

im not wearing them anymore this year, so i guess no.

December 4, 2006

i want to fall in love with someone who can speak parseltongue.

- xo

December 8, 2006

minus : bill and teds excellent adventure was almost halfway done when i got home. and i wasted my night thinking of someone who will never understand me.minus/plus:i cut off my hair and jumped through a sheet of glass for our new video. plus: when napoleon eats the huge banana split in bill and teds: ziggy piggy ziggy piggy. i got an igloo dog house and fake snow for hem to play in. way more fun than whatever else i oculd have been doing. going to see panic tommorrow.

- xo

December 12, 2006

5:31am

i cant explain the feeling that has been exactly the same since the first moment you bobbed your head, had your spit shoot out of your mouth when singing along, or been crush on the railing on the front of the stage.everything else aside. the flashes, the numbers, everything- i hope i am judged and remembered only by how you have felt and sung along.it is a testament to who i wish i was and am always striving to become. because as much as we saved you- you have saved me.the shows feel the same. i was worried. but a smile or a wink reminds me that we are still part of the same machine that noone else understands.sorry if this is corny but these were the thoughts going through my head as i iced my back today after the show. if i fall apart, if we didnt sell a single record- this was still the best adventure story ever written. and i am endlessly grateful for that. ill now go back to being a douchebag.i think youre gonna like the new video.... let us know if youre hearing arms race on the radio by you.... just putting the final touhces on the record- yeah we know its like shopping for presents on xmas eve. but oh well. we dont want to let anyone down, not ourselves or you.xo.sleep fast, dream hard.ps i miss my dog.

- xo

Dec 14 2006 

02:26:00

dear you,

sometimes we get caught up in riding the moment, good or bad. mental health or our bodies. usually its never as bad as it seems in our own heads or in those seconds when it seems like noone else can empathize. but the truth is, as reluctant as we are to admit it- there are strains inside of us that make us exactly the same. together and alone all at once. crashing thoughts like chemistry. playing these club shows has been like heaven for me- its the closest i can get to being that little band again- and i love every minute of it. its exciting and crushing- pins and needles everywhere in anticipation. seeing the same old faces on the barricades but with new smiles. i have high hopes that you will come with us on this record if only because i feel like i/we owe it to you. i listen to the songs over and over again and hope that they hit you in that same spot but in a brand new way.

post video: my back will be okay,so will my hair (haha as okay as it ever was), i am in love with my band more than anything else on the planet. i hope you like the video.

i feel like a hack giving advice to you on the q & a when the truth is, i dont really have a clue to get through life on my own.i havent been able to sleep since we left on tour this week- my question to you- what do you do to fall asleep?

thanks for always being there. even when you probably shouldnt.

it puts me at ease knowing that someone else doesnt get it as much as i dont get it.

December 14, 2006

“be my unholy, my one and lonely. (the inside of my head, unfiltered).”

computer broke. back broke. love broke.

but the ship is gonna look pretty at the bottom of this sea.

my memory is a steel trap.

your face has been filed away- to be scrutinized later.

to be despised.

to be loved.

to be sought.

to be dreamt of.

i am the inside of "i dont care".

right in the middle.

staring at you.

i have you read before you even say your name.

except when im wrong

and my whole world tips on end.

"i loved everything about you that hurts".

everything i love about you is a mess- is the reason you cant get through your days.

i keep the tv on loud in hotel rooms so i dont feel alone.

i wear scarves and hoods cause theyre the only poker face ive got left.

in my head i smash mirrors and break palm readers' hands.

i love to write of sex and bodies pressed against eachother- but i am not a closer and never will be, i cant get my mind to shut off long enough to make moves. id rather remember the smell of your hair and the way you faked like you were too drunk to drive home.

id rather break you down.

i dread human contact but cant stand to sleep alone- two parts of me that are constantly at war with each other.

every single mirror is a trick mirror. not just the funhouse ones. we see what we want.

i wish i could live a billion years just to evolve beyond love.

only the science of that doesnt really add up, and besides i am addicted to it.

if you cut me open i am the single most regular person that has ever existed.

it scares me.

it electrifies me.

i have put my belief in god in a sort of holding pattern- i close my eyes hard and want to believe. just because this cant be it. but im not ready to commit. keep flying. one of these days were gonna run out of fuel.

the famous < the infamous.

i want to become better than i am.

i want cures instead of houses.

and hope instead of hype.

only its all so big that i dont even know where to start.

birth and death are just the bookends, no one explains how to find happiness in between.

my mood changes before i finish whole sentences. hence the fragments.

if anyone ever knew the whole truth im pretty sure they would lock me up and throw away the key.

i dont like to talk or play certain songs because they are just an unhappy blur in my life when somewhere inside of me i was sure id be dead before anyone ever heard them.

i wish jimminy cricket was my best friend.

i think hed keep me on track.

its no fun hating someone who hates themself so much more.

youre just an amateur.

you cant complain about your back and then jump off of high things.

well you can but then you just look silly.

my attention span, my temper, my faith and my height are all pretty much just short.

if i ever really had three wishes i am sure id waste them on ruining three peoples lives.

disappointing people is my thing baby, find a new gig, this town aint big enough for the two of us.

i have a love/hate relationship with being forgotten.

i fall asleep on the keyboard all the time, i think it is of some comfort to me.

i cant wait to meet the person i will want to grow old with.

posted by xo @ 12:29 AM

December 16, 2006

2:57am

Have heart, willing to travel.

- xo

December 16, 2006

come on just let me make out with one of your friends and we'll call it even

caged all the free spirits.lets make them shiny so we see them glisten on the ocean bottom.well take your flaws and polish them as good as new-that is except for jealousy, theres been a recall on that one.expect version 2.0turned the corners of my eyes out as though they were my pockets, as i pass by men sleeping in boxes looking for loose change.fix me or forget me. at this point im going for whichever is easier.im guessing i look like i just got off a bender cause everyone keeps saying "you really should get some rest".like that was the problem.it feels like a surgeon who cant cut himself open to save his own life.going AWOL from ghost towns.look into mirrors-"wipe that smile off your fucking face."my dreams are all backyards in the suburbs and you.and whatever happens in between just make sure our plots are matching and next to eachother.its kind of tough being a people pleaser when you arent too fond of people in general.on steroids for the back- no, not the cool kind. though one of the side effects is dementia.living out of a suitcase changes your outlook on the world.its hard to imagine a time when any of this made sense.a flight.fizz of tonic water.clicking of hotel room keys."ive never done this before"s.you need oxygen tanks to climb the mountains i have made of these molehills.keep me away from the inside of your head.

December 16, 2006

here's to fresh starts

Today was one of the longest ever for me.I have no explanation. Except that relief can come from the last place you'd ever expect.Sometimes the people you expect to be there are no shows. Especially when you're on the tile floor heaving.I am ready to be me again.I miss my puppy. I think you dreamt me alive.

December 18, 2006

love/hate

I am sur ei have been loved. I have obsessed over love. the kind of love of getting in and out of trouible. I have hoped for love that is beyond you beiung caught by me or me trying to slip through the cracks. I hope for a love that is like astronomers who desribe distant planets. Even as experts it is a too far off to even properly calculate no matter how much you adore it. And I am no expert. When was the last time you felt proud of me? Ask myself when was the last time I did anything worth your pride? When was the last time I was moved, not like a piece in a board game but truly moved. When was the last time I didn't see the world in an "you always stick your neck out" or "can't catch a break" kind of way. You are the kind they cut off ears for and start wars over. You are a distant planet, noone would get from afar. You are the dream that I can't remember but can't forget. You are the trap door magicians never reveal. You're my last trick. You're my grand finale.

December 18, 2006

“diamonds into coal.”

i am a terrible typer on a sidekick as proven in the previous post.

i hate hotel room life.

i hate doing interviews.

i hate reading interview i have done.

i am overdramatic.

i am overly pessimistic. i only see the worst in everything.

but i smile and nod along anyway.

i dont believe a word anyone says to me.

but id really like to believe in everything.

this list is boring. i miss my dog.

December 19, 2006

being in new york brings back strange memories of fall. i am really excited for everyone to see the new video tommorrow. though i am completely bummed out to see people selling tickets for ridiculous amounts of money for the friends or enemies tour. the whole point of this tour was for us to play some small rooms with our dedicated fans. i dont really think there is anything we can do legally about people who are taking advantage of this. the only thing i can think of is that we will go around venues before the show and try to give out a few tickets for free (i doubt we will have many extra as most have sold out). dont feed into this. we will keep playing smaller shows and secret ones- as well as a bigger spring tour. i promise you will get a chance to see us. we are going to go everywhere. please dont let these vultures get you down.

- xo

December 20, 2006

to only you:there was this girl- a doll. hanging and dancing on strings. black hair and smiling. she lived just off of a town called naivety... some place i have driven through from time to time. and i never had an idea. cut the strings so we could run down the street under trees and roll in the grass. never meant for it to become what it did in so many different ways. never meant to always leave the driveway headed one direction and never knew what waited when i returned. only that her eyes were the lights in the windows that i pulled up to in the snow. slipping off the ends of icy roads at nights racing home through the night no matter what. and the miles got father and farther in between. and i couldnt ever figure myself out to save a thing. but now i cut those strings and she is forever dancing or lying or waiting in the lit windows for vans and buses that came less and less. and i wrote the harshest words and she wrote the harshest words. she turned from a doll into a girl and i from a boy into a monster and back into a boy now and again. eyes always red and puffy. pride always on the line. things were much simpler when she was on strings for her i think. things were much simpler when the van only went so far. before i had to press a picture of her and paste it on dashes and inside of bunks everywhere. i cant explain how i got here. it doesnt make any sense. she could follow the articles and videos or my pieced together stories. or a dog. or a dream. or words that make half sense sent in the middle of the night. and even when im telling the truth it doesnt matter cause the phone is always dead. and i am always 30,000 feet in the air flying somewhere. but i keep the warmest memories close to my heart even when im at payphones and want to cut my insides out,, dry them up and mail them to her. "im sorry" doesnt matter anymore. the words have no meaning. im sorry i cut the strings and ran away. now when i come to look for her i dont know where to begin. its hard to not say "its all my fault" but it goes through my head over and over so i cant sleep with out the AMBIENce of my bed and the puppy. bane songs. boomerangs. badnews. arkansas. goodbye love i didnt know you well or maybe too well.

- xo

December 24, 2006

they say this thing between us is getting old, but i think of it more like vintage love.

im like one of those movies you buy in a hotel with every button but rewind.have at it.your jokes.your ring tones.it doesnt matter.i cant ever get the right words to the right people.lying on the side, tears fall from your left eye into your right.filling it and spilling over. and so on.spilling out. but not pretty like in the movies.phones are always dead.white lights hanging on houses, breath in the air-everything about right now reminds me that i am all alone.and how terrible i am because of the thoughts that run through my head.like im pretty sure i could get some sleep if you were dead and gone.but not in a "drop dead" kind of way, more like you couldnt fuck with my head anymore.a snow day on giving a fuck about anything.sit here and stare at the television because thats what im supposed to do.forget to eat.sit in the roped off corner of a club because thats what im supposed to do.forget to care.and i just want to write a story or a song that makes everyone forget their troubles but im not too sure that i have it in me.hot spots become luke warm.i just want one person to know me completely before i die.i want maternity wards on stage for the delivery.spent the afternoon in an mri- its like preparation for lying in a coffin forever. it was a fear i havent experienced since i was young. the shaking and the sounds and the closeness of it all. everyone loves an underdog. every dog will have its day. top dogs. all dogs go to heaven and such....

December 25, 2006

he said "i brought the hoody back all them other boys dont know how to act"

when i was little i wanted to be max from where the wild things are when i grew up.kind of bonkers, cause he was just a kid too.

12/25/06 Q&A

question

is it true you and andy had a fight? and now fall out boy is breaking up?

answer

nope. not breaking up anytime soon. contrary to whatever stupid things have come out of any of our mouths near journalists. we are currently doing better than brad and angelina- no break up in sight.

12/28/06

question

dear pete i hope you liked your christmas i know i did i got the clandestine bag i wanted and tickets to the red hot chili peppers concert i just wanted to say i look up to you because you let me down every time i needed help i asked you because i didnt know who to turn to my older brother being the jerk he is never helped me in any way and you never answered any questions with any substance anyways i dont know how many times i posted my questions but i digress i learned that you cant depend on the people you look up to, to help you out with advice i learned to help myself out and just face my problems and if i make a wrong turn well ill learn from that too so i just wanted to thank you for making me that much more independent i still love fall out boy sooo much too much in fact or so ive been told im not just another fan that listens to you guys and asks you stupid questions i am a fan that loves your music and i know not to depend on you for advice cause you cant help me i can only help myself sorry if im dragging on but im trying to get my point across im not sure if you will ever read this one im pretty sure you wont and im okay with that cause that will prove my point ill give you three trys to answer cause i dont know how your answering process works three cheers for questions with no substance -sincerely me *strike two*

answer

glad you had a good christmas. as far as answering questions- i miss alot of them- either do to timing or that i didnt feel capable of answering or whatever. usually i answer whatever sticks out to me. sometimes goofy ones, sometimes serious ones. we as a band try to be role models the best that we can. im sorry that you felt let down. its great to be independent and i think its awesome that this question wasnt a “fuck you i hate your band cause you didnt answer my question”… it sucks to feel skipped over i know that. im glad that it sounds like youre doing well. hope your family situation has gotten better.

question

i was watching release the bats and was wondering if your parents had seen it and what they thought of it. i was oddly fascinated yet disgusted. nice job

answer

i think my mom thinks its funny. my brother and me have been doing stuff like that since we were little- so its not too shocking.

question

Since your famous to some people. Would you ever like Wierd Al to make a song about you and the rest of the band? If so, what do you think he would sing about you and the band?

answer

we grew up on weird al. we’d love the honor of being mocked in a song of his- i think maybe “where is your beer tonight? i hope it is a heineken”

[avengersapology-vid]

Avengers: College Edition

Steve: Criminal Justice and Studio Art double major. He doesn't want to torture himself with anything difficult and still wants to study what he loves. He is still an over achiever though. Highkey hates frat parties, saw someone twerking upside down and almost cried but stayed because hes the designated driver (responsible KING). prefers small get togethers with his friends. Roommates with sam and bucky!! Joins Criminal Justice club, jokingly rivals with Engineering (Tonys Club) Everyone on campus loves him including the professors, wins Homecoming king and is very happy. Sam jokingly asks to be his queen, Bucky butts in and says "NO, im his queen". Can be found in the library or art studio, usually with ink or pencil markings on his hands.

Tony: Obvi an engineering KING has physics as a minor. procrastinates to the max "No Bruce I have everything under control" *crams for 46 hours straight on a constant IV drip of Redbull and coffee* Super smart and helps draw the blueprint for the new engineering building. Roomies with Bruce! Tony was in a frat for a bit his freshmen year but hated it and wanted real friends (Throws better parties anyway) met Bruce and all the other avengers during a 1301 intro class. Pulls women like no tomorrow. On the presidents list every semester and tutors math for free on the side. He is basically the Dad in STEM. Tries hitting on Natasha but she is just like :/ nah, when her and bruce start dating tony is surprised because bruce is his "quiet little cinnamon roll." Tony constantly teases bruce and is like "yall fuckin (;" Steve butts in "tONY PLZ I JUST WANT TO WATCH THIS MOVIE" Bruce is thankful for steves intervention. You know how he rivals Steves Criminal Justice club? He butts heads with Business Clubs leader (Pepper) until everyone catches them together at a party. Has a caffeine addiction. Works out with Thor and Bucky one day in the rec and almost dies.

Bruce: Physics and Engineering double major (Hardworking KING) In math club with Vision and Wanda. He loves being roomies with Tony because it helps him out of his shell. Likes to draw with Steve sometimes and enjoys the quiet. Doesn't procrastinate and gets things done in a timely manor. 4.0 icon we all strive to be. Him and Nat already know each other, but bond and get a lot closer while studying in the library and they eventually start dating. He takes her coffee when she works across campus and is always almost late to class because of that (He doesn't care though bc thats his BABY) "Um.. Bruce your class is in 5 minutes" "Okay and?.....Wait I have an ex-" *Sprints to his building* Takes boxing at night with Thor, Bucky, Sam and Steve!!! Loves sparring with Thor and can surprisingly take the big buy on pretty well. Gets his butt kicked by Natasha in a MMA class though.

Natasha: Majors in Criminal Justice and Minors in Psychology. Ballet club AND MOCK TRIAL!! Has a Job at the Criminal Justice Deans office and takes MMA classes on the side. She is on Mock Trial with Loki and they actually get along quiet well once they stop butting heads about the case. Introduces Sam and Wanda to dance and they have so much fun. Coffee dates with Bruce!! Her and Steve become RAs in the following years and are the coolest RAs you know. Prefers night classes, Bruce walks her to all of them. Psychology classes are her favorite and really wants to help children one day. Volunteers at a daycare during breaks. Sis can really out drink Tony and Thor. Puts Wanda under her wing and helps her with fafsa and what not. Her and Bucky get the Russian language credit by simply testing out. Has her sh!t together and while she has a lot on her plate she can take it. She is really the Mom of the group. Can be found dancing or with Bruce. Her and Clint are icons in psychology classes.

Clint: Deaf Studies with education minor! (we stan deaf clint in the comics) In the Archery club and wins nationals for the Uni. Loves to draw with Steve. Helps Bruce ask Natasha out! PRANK ICON! loves to do prank wars with tony, bucky, loki and sam. Was in the same frat with Tony but hated it as well. While he seems to have a more reserved demeanor he is still the life of the party. (Like he knows people at the clubs ya know?) Can get in anywhere and helps everyone rent out a club for the night in celebration of midterms being over. Loves reading in the library and loves morning classes and being productive early in the day. Cracks Tonys netflix and hulu passwords (no tony... tonyr0cks69 is not good enough) Wants to teach at a school for the Deaf. Bruce sets him up with a girl from engineering and that is his future wife.

Thor: Physical Education major and Communications minor! Here on a football scholarship and is in a frat (not the asshole one tony was in) and is a partying ICON. Tries to get Loki to party but Loki just wants to drink wine with the cat he snuck into his dorm. Learns Sign from Clint to prepare for his career in education. Loves working out with Bucky, Sam and Steve. Takes up boxing during football off season and spars with Bruce. Despite being everyones fav himbo he gets really good grades and is a very good writer. Loki dorms across the hall from him. Thor actually rooms with Peter. Peter is the freshman baby and Thor takes peter under his wing and introduces him to everyone and helps him with college stuff in general. Also hooks him up with MJ and brings him to the occasional boxing session. Has a loud booming laughter you can hear in all floors of the library when he sees a funny meme. One time he actually makes a very good point and notices a flaw in one of Tony and Bruces projects leaves everyone stunned. Picks on Loki in big brother fashion. Unironically calls weed the devils lettuce.

Loki: Pre-Law and Criminal Justice. LOVES to argue. (Devils advocate ass) In Mock Trial and Criminal Justice Club. Tony jokingly calls him steves sexy secretary in CJ club. Loves Mock Trial and is the president with Nat as his right hand woman. Sneaks a cat he found at the shelter into his dorm and names it muffin. Stays in the Library writing or going over cases. The one time he was taking Natasha a copy of the Mock Trial case packet and caught her and bruce smooching. (He screeched) "Haha funny joke yall heres the case packet BYE." He automatically texts the group chat "i think nAT AND BRUCE HAVE SOME TEA FOR US HMM". Lets Peter and Bruce come over to his dorm because he knows their roommates can get a little too much sometimes. Loki also becomes an avid twitter user and thats how he gains popularity on campus. (He called the uni out for their awful and expensive parking) Was able to convince the Dean with tony and steve to create a new parking lot. Caffeine addict!!! Him and Tony always bump into each other at the coffee shop. Brings baked goods to meet ups with the gang. Loves to play pranks (especially on Tony) Him and Bucky come up with a genius prank on him and even get pepper involved. Best dressed on campus and is in the fashion club. He is the embodiment of dark academia.

Sam: Criminal Justice Major with Aerospace Engineering minor. Gets introduced to Bucky and Steve during move in and they literally become brothers. Is both in Criminal Justice Club and Engineering Club. In the Historically Black Frat on campus and takes huge pride in that. Parties with tony and thor BIG TIME. Procrastinates by throwing paper airplanes at Bucky until Bucky is like "Um...dude your paper is due in like two hours." At that moment Sam got into work faster than he ever had. Loves gossip sessions with Loki and Wanda. Works out a lot with Bucky, Steve and Thor to get rid of stress. When he and Bucky finish a final they go to loki's dorm and ask "Hey can we see your cat." Helps prep food for friends-giving and decorates the dorm for holidays. HATES 8ams so so so much. Steve promises him pancakes if he gets up and goes. Binge watches shows during weekends and screams when Destiel is finally canon. Loves running and gets a Track Scholarship when Thor gets him to join a sport. Gets Peter to join track.

Bucky: criminal justice major and psychology minor. Buck is also in ballet club with Nat, it really helps him relax and gives him a free space to think (also he runs that shit like no ones business) Criminal justice club as well and LOVES to work out and box. One time Sam accompanies him to ballet and Bucky pushes Sam into a split... the scream was heard for miles. "Sam ballet is good for athletes it helps w-" "Yeah but its not good for my balls" Doesn't willingly procrastinate but once in awhile he will forget an assignment, you best believe his eyes will snap open from his nap and get to work asap. For one of his psyche labs he had to question Steve as if he were Steve's therapist to which Steve responds "Hey bro you dont have to hit a nerve that deep" He also likes to do dance with peter since it helps him get away from Thor for a bit. Not a big partier but once the weight of finals are off his chest you best believe he will go all out. Picks on Nat and says hes gonna steal her man, to which tony interjects and says "Not if I do first" Bucky also has a very comfy dorm, comfy lighting and tons of pillows, the man loves his sleep... and so does everyone else. Sometimes he finds peter, sam, THOR, tONY EVERYONE just napping in his bed before their study time. Overall, bucky is a smart boy and his time in college is kind to him.

Wanda: English Major and Education Minor. After being an orphan Wanda knows what it feels like to not have a parental figure there and she wants to change that for other kids by becoming an english teacher. She volunteers at an orphanage, specifically the one her and pietro were in for a brief moment when they came to the states. She loves to draw as well and takes plenty of art classes with steve. She paints a portrait of the entire gang and gives it to tony as a graduation present (he cried). She loves to do volunteer work for children and also spend a lot of time in the library, She helped Nat calm down before Bruce asked her out. Her and Loki are in constant competition for best dressed. "Loki ill let you win best dressed but you have to let me see your cat" "ugh fine... btw your shirt doesnt match your boots" "hEY" Her and Peter take alot of intro classes together and are constantly running around craft stores trying to get the right stuff for projects. Visits Vision at his Job on Campus and he visits her where she volunteers and eventually they start dating. She is constantly getting visited by pietro at 4am asking "Um do you have milk" "Pietro its 4am what do you ne-" "my OREOS"

Pietro: Track star business major, frat ICON with Thor. poor boy is STRESSED he hates college and is here on a track scholarship, constantly late and running around getting shit done. Queen of late assignments but still gets them graded because he is in Track. Yeah he has alot on his plate but he still parties with thor for hours. When he is drowning in assignments Clint is always there to help him, Bruce also helps him with biology and the more science-y classes. Likes to mess around and race sam at track practice. Not into coffee but will run on all the monster energy drinks you could possibly buy. Seriously is tired of 8 a.m courses, he just wants to nap after practice. Walks into the study room that everyone was in and actually looks more sleep deprived than tony. He gets a lot of tips from steve on how to have an easier time in college and it really helps him.

Vision: Grad student working on a civil engineering masters and a TA. Meets Wanda in the library and she asks him where the biographies are. He mistakenly says they are on the 2nd floor "Uh theyre actually on the third" "Then why did you ask?" "Cause I wanted to talk to you :)" He swooned. Through Wanda he met Tony and Bruce and became their best friend, He helped out a lot with engineering club and got them far. He spends a lot of time doing research for his masters degree, he loves relaxing with the group on weekends and picks on pietro as if he is already apart of the family. Him and Loki bond over intellectual conversations from time to time. Bruce and Nat go on double dates with him and Wanda. Went to a bar once with tony and bruce and had to stop tony from singing Queens entire discography, he had the best night that night. Helps everyone with getting into jobs and into grad school in general while everyone helps him let loose and have some fun.

Peter: Peter is a Physics major and eventually works his way up to biochemistry. (hardworking icon) He is the freshman baby of the group and is introduced to them through Thor. He dances with Buck and Nat sometimes as well. Tony obviously takes peter under his wing and helps him with assignments. One time everyone was in the same study room and him and pietro have a redbull shot gunning challenge. When Peter wins Thor picks him up and almost yeets the poor boy into the ceiling. "VERY WELL DONE YOUNG PARKER YOU SHOULD BE DOING THAT WITH BEER IN NO TIME." "Thor plz" Tony and Thor help him ask MJ out and even spy on them during a dinner date. (Imagine thor with sunglasses and a scarf around his head pretending to be tonys date) He feels so accepted in college because of the gang and gets all his work done on time. Goes out of his way to get everyone christmas presents and is so excited for friendsgiving. Becomes a little stressball during finals and midterms and stays in the library till it closes. He spots loki alot in there and helps loki with science classes while loki helps him with political science classes. He meets MJ through wanda and is obviously blushing the whole time while being introduced. Gets embarrassed when the guys flirt with aunt may. "guys plz stop" This is when Sam earns his "milf hunter" nickname. "Pete hows your aunt?" "She doesnt want you sam i-" its not like that... actually it is like that"

Coulson: Alumni Icon. Is the gangs Intro professor and is the reason why everyone meets eachother. (the class was chaotic indeed) Coulson loved that class so much and he still gets visited by everyone from time to time. He is obviously close with Nick. They were there that night when Tony was signing Queen at the bar and couldnt help but laugh.

Nick Fury: Dean for criminal justice and is heavily involved with criminal justice club and mock trial. He is tired of everyones shit as always. Makes a tiktok account for the criminal justice club and has no idea how to manage social media so gets Loki to help. Has to delete it when Loki commented "hah losers" on the engineering tiktoks page. He looks intimidating but in his office he has a picture with the club and has all the gifts he gets on display. (He even framed lokis comment because it was hilarious afterall)

[vanityloves]

oak and stars for slick! :0

ah yes... this was sent last year...apologies for the last reply...happy 2021 mfs ♡ and thank you sm for the ask!

Word count: 1.6k i guess wtf.

cw: idk? homestuck ajsjdj. kinda mushy towards the end but dw im Me ♡ there's a joke somewhere in here

oak - who’s the more emotional one? how do you balance each other out in this aspect?

Defining 'emotional' is a bit difficult since it's often seen as 'whos the crybaby' but techinally, both parties are emotionally driven. The sole factor is one usually works solo (when working with a group, usually takes a supporting role) and takes things personally. The other can put those feelings aside and work with a group even if they're holding a personal grudge against them. 

I'd have to say Ivory is more emotional in the sense of "who cried over (insert characters) death". But of course I'm going to elaborate. 

I've always had issues placing Ivory in one 'category' and describe them as "a bit all over the place". At first, they're very jumpy and put off by Slick's demeanor (fairly so). They aren't rude or cold though, rather they're defensive and almost always on guard when around others. Despite this, they're quick to come to someone's aid to act as a protector, since they easily sympathize with others that show fear, sadness or hurt, even if it's an act. (Rightfully) Protraying themselves as naive. They've always been the type to comfort and protect - having a very 'motherly' presence (Ivory is a whole ass mother so I don't blame them)

Ivory is known to display sporadic bursts of emotions that range from enthusiasm and joy or angst and rage before returning to their calmed state in minutes. They're an odd case of slow to anger but quick to put out. The Knight finds the entire thing tiring but don't try to stop said outburts. Things that upset them before, suddenly changes with the seasons. 

The type to appear cool, calm and collected and tries incredibly hard to maintain that when faced w/ dangerous situations. Inside though, they're probably ready to cry and once the ordeal is over, they probably do just that.

Ivory tries their best to think logically before jumping into any situation but find that things like 'promises' and plans hold them captive. They're easily swayed when things like this are brought up bc credibility and trust are incredibly important to them. Unfortunately, they're the type to beat themselves up over loses like that, even if it was for the greater good/nothing else could be done. They run off of the more positive emotions like hopefulness and joy (the 'happy feeling' after helping others). This isn't to say they're not petty or bitter, its very much the opposite - its too emotionally taxing to focus on themselves though. 

♤

I think Slick is emotional in the sense of he'll experience certain things and if it's something he's not used to, his first reaction is to respond with anger or aggression. He has a pretty bad temper and described to have a nasty attitude and very black and white with his thoughts and decision making. He's the embodiment of 'I won't hesitate, bitch.', if he says something, he will follow through. He's the type to keep promises and wants the upheld on both ends, if the other party does not follow through, he's not the type to feel hurt, rather resorting to anger and cutting off ties - physically and emotionally, he's never been attached.

The man is a mobster so he's used to seeing blood and gore. He's definitely hardened over the years of that rough and tumble lifestyle, so it really isn't personal for him. He's never had it easy and doesn't rely on others (besides the crew) but he's willing to work with others if push comes to shove.

He's not very emotional in the crying and sniffling way. He keeps to himself most of the time and doesn't feel the need to help or seek out others. However, that's countered when he finds himself helping others that are defenseless but become enraged that someone would pick on someone that was 'obviously weaker'. He has a definite soft spot for the gentle, kinder things he runs across but I wouldn't say he gets super emotional about it. Slick runs off of negative emotions such as anger, pettiness, (such as Ivory does with guilt).

♤

They balance each other out with their different outlook/approach on each situation. Some things need to be done immediately and spontaneously, just as some things need to be done with patience or methodically. This isn't to call Slick a dumbass or whatever - the man works best without overthinking the situation and making calls on the spot. Ivory has their fair share of improvised plans but tend to work better with a loose plan (even if it's "don't die"). Their anxiety and lack of confidence ultimately puts them at greater risk.

One thing that's great ab Slick is, he's very sure about himself, his actions, and his feelings so it's reassuring for Ivory. Ivory lends Slick a lot of patience, understanding, but with a firm hand. They don't expect him to take their advice all the time but they expect him to hear them out. There are plenty of close calls that stress Ivory out to no end but on the flipside, Slick doesn't expect Ivory to be so rash and promptly follows them when they do rush into things - he's protective by nature and there's a bit of a curiosity involved.

♤

Overall, their relationship tends to tilt towards the negative aspects of being emotionally driven - pettiness, guilt, spite, etc. But they reassure/calm the other when things get more serious. Slick is incredibly protective and will put himself in danger for them. It's not a matter of not trusting Ivory, rather, it is a sign of loyalty and commitment hebhas towards them.

Ivory is confident in Slick and knows he can fair well on his own or with a team - they still worry but they often rely on hope and luck that things will eventually work in their favor (that's not to say they won't work for their future/goals).  

♤

stars - what kind of a date would your f/o take you on?

Ivory was never one for big, flashy dates even in their previous relationships (much to their dismay, they went on many). Dressing up every so often is fun but loses its novelty if it's constant. Slick doesn't seem too flashy either, preferring to lay low and enjoy the time he has alone - sure he broods but he's having his noir film moment. He doesn't mind spending money, he's got plenty to spare which he usually uses on booze and cigarettes anyways. There's no harm in spoiling Ivory on occasion and probably enjoys taking them someplace nice. He hates dressing up in stuffy, 3 piece suits and avoids them at all costs, but if Ivory's dressed to the nines, he's not gonna be shown up.

I've said it as a joke but truthfully, the couple could start off at a 5 star and end up at the diner down the street. Sharing fries all done up in heels and makeup, cufflinks and polished shoes. 

That being said, they're both more casual! The duo is more than content driving around the city listening to the radio and enjoying the others company, regardless of the silence.*** Truthfully, dinner and a nice drive or walk around the city is ideal. Ivory's more of a window shopping type and enjoys peeking into windows to watch people bustle around. Slick tends to walk a few steps behind to keep them in view, admire from afar type. He's not a very chatty individual and tends to rely on looks and physical touch when talking to Ivory. He's got a permanent scowl on his face but he's truly content when he's with them.

♤

Slick enjoys his privacy but he's not against going out for drinks and enjoying a nice performance here and there. But if it's shit, he won't be sticking around (if he goes alone), with Ivory he can distract himself and leads them somewhere quiet and he snidely comments on the performances while Ivory tries to find the good and bad in it.

Since that's more of a hit or miss type of date, he tends to do things that are sure to be more relaxing. He's a hotblooded guy, while Ivory's more mellow so he figures getting them riled up isn't something that's 'fun' for them; makes him settle his ass down before he breaks a hip He'll pop in a few of his cherished noir films and let them get as close as they like - he's not as picky ab touch when they're alone.

If not that, he has Ivory randomly choose a record to play and sits back with them. If he was generous and feeling sweet, he'll help them to their feet and hold them near and sway together. He's an awkward romantic but a romantic nonetheless, so he's willing to push through it for the sake of having them against him and teasing them if they look a bit flushed (but reading the atmosphere).

***Extra thing:

Slick really said 'I know a place' and drives out of the city that scares shit out of Ivory- purely because this is unknown territory. Of course they trust him but their nerves often get the best of them as they sit up, a bit stiffly as they look at the scenery passing by.

Very smooth conversation:

"this is where I get rid of 'things'"

"really?"

"yeah"

"oh...at least the view is nice. guess that's why you drove this far."

*met w/ silence*

What 'things', you may ask? Take a wild guess! Maybe it's emotional baggage, sometimes is Physical Baggage!

[ssweeneys]

i’m having a REALLY bad day

or really past couple of weeks where work is concerned and i just wanna vent bc you know sometimes people out there in the working world understand ya know???

its long, beware. idek if i’ll keep this up its more so for me to just let it out.

so like i’m an office admin for a company (we’ll leave it nameless for protection purposes) and like i supervise receptionists for my office so i’m kinda an office manager but not technically? if that makes sense.

anyway. people these days just don’t want to fucking work like EVER and like to start jobs and then up and vanish to collect that unemployment which to me is really just dumb since there are rules to it in every state and nine times out of ten you’re making like 60% of what your normal paycheck would be and thats surely not enough to live on, so like ??? i don’t get it.

there’s been a constant rotation of receptionists come and go over the last couple of months and two girls who work for me have stepped in on numerous occasions. one lady is in her 60s and doesn’t know anything about computers and is kind of dense?? to say the least. nothing against old ladies. i actually find a majority of them cute or hilarious bc they say what they think and dont give a f*ck who it offends and sometimes that blunt honesty is refreshing and you just need it in a world where people bullshit you 24/7 to further themselves for selfish gain and yaddy yada

anyways.. over recent weeks she’s become more and more intolerable to deal with. i ask her to do things and she gives me attitude and its like the simplest of things.. like email this person, make sure you let this person know they got a package, etc, etc. she can’t do even the most basic of tasks without screwing up. her attitude is just atrocious.

and due to people coming and going i’ve had to alter our schedule a lot. recently, one girl requested off so i adjusted the older lady’s hours (lets call her--carla) mind you carla only works 1 day a week and i’ve been super generous in giving her the entire week of christmas off so -- yeah.

anyways the girl who requested off (we’ll call her nicole) told me she didnt need those days off anymore and so i fixed the schedule one more time to her original days/hours.

now, i print off the schedule every time a change is made and whoever is at the reception desk i tell them to let the other girls know and post it right by the computer they sit at every day so theres no excuse for anyone to say i didnt make them aware. well carla is not the brightest bulb as we already established and she doesnt pay attention so we pretty much have to coddle her apparently and make sure she understands (although its pointless bc she doesnt no matter how hard you try to explain something to her) ANYWAYS she comes in on nicoles day when she wasnt supposed to anymore bc the schedule was fixed, posted, etc. and she gets mad when i ask her why shes there. and yes, i understand that the rotation has fucked us all over and up in so many ways. she is not the only victim here. this has been stressing me out left and right and to no end for MONTHSSSSS. so like i get it? i’m sympathetic to that. i understand the confusion and frustration, i’m right there with them.

HOWEVER, because she’s annoyed/mad/whatever she gives me attitude all day yesterday and is flagrantly disrespectful. i’m her supervisor, regardless is someone upsets you, act professional.

but she doesn’t. we know that. or at least I DO. anyhow.. she’s mad. she’s pissed off right? she’s got an attitude. she sees the new schedule, she brings it to me in my office and asks if its the correct one for tomorrow WHICH SHE IS ON!!! let me make that clear. she was on. she asks if its correct, i’m in the middle of composing an email so i take a moment to respond ‘yes’ she huffs, storms off and goes “you know what? nevermind” i’m like.... okay?? i brush it off. i’ve been brushing off her poor attitude all damn day and i dont say A THING. BC I GET IT. I UNDERSTAND. IM SYMPATHETIC TO THAT. we all have bad days. we all get a little frustrated sometimes. we’re human, yeah?

yeah. right. ok.

so then like... carla is working the morning shift for nicole. both carla and nicole showed up. carla pitched a fit bc she came in and was already there and didnt want to go home so nicole was so sweet about it and said thats okay, she can work i understand. bc even though nicole is like half her age, she’s MATURE.

at this point i dont even understand why carla is so upset? she got to stay. she got the hours. she’ll be making the money. all is good right? WRONG.

when the next girl comes in for the afternoon shift, i over hear carla telling her about the mishap that happened that morning (yesterday) and my office is literally maybe 6-7 feet from the front desk so i can hear EVERYTHING that goes on. i mean this is my job. i’m pretty much in charge of making sure the office is running, our employees are happy, etc.

so yeah i over hear carla telling this girl that and i quote “yeah nicole came in this morning and the schedule was switched around and i stayed because i was already here. (then something unintelligible I cant make out bc her voice lowers) you know, it really pisses me off that this keeps happening.”

SHE SAID THIS. TO A NEW GIRL. MAKING ME, NICOLE, EVERYONE LOOK BAD EVEN THOUGH SHE GOT WHAT SHE WANTED, NICOLE APOLOGIZED, I APOLOGIZED FOR THE MISHAP, IVE DONE EVERYTHING FOR THIS LADY TO PACIFY HER OR WORK WITH HER OR COMPENSATE HER.

so its so infuriating, disrespectful and really downright disgusting for her to trash me, my name, etc to someone. but you know what? I DONT SAY ANYTHING. I dont cause a scene. I go about my business and let it roll off my shoulders bc at this point I know if I say anything its just going to turn ugly and I’m in a professional setting. Sometimes its better to bite your tongue, hold your head up high and move the fuck on about your business.

NOW... oh now, we’re on today. carla is scheduled to work. she came into my office, confirmed it, she was FULLY AWARE OF THIS.

so nicole calls her 5 mins before shes scheduled to clock in and is politely like hey you on your way? and carla is like oh no i don’t work today.

BITCH! THE FUcK YOU MEAN????? WE CONFIRMED THIS LITERALLY!!!!!!!!

omg i cannot at this point i really cannot

but lets proceed... so carla. she’s like yeah i dont come in, tells nicole to check with me. nicole comes to me, i smh and just sigh and am like ok i’m sorry can you please call her back and tell her shes supposed to be here and if theres any issues, transfer the call to me. so nicole calls her, they’re talking, carla is being a cunt (sorry at this point you are) and so i talk to her and shes like you know, this is so frustrating i came in there i asked you if i was supposed to work and you said no (the other girl she trash talked to idk who to name her) and IM LIKE SITTING THERE GOING ????? WHEN????? TO MYSELF BC WE JUST HAD THIS CONVERSATION

MY PATIENCE IS SO THIN, ITS NON EXISTENT AT THIS POINT IM OVER IT

IM TIRED

IM SO FUCKING TIRED AND SICK OF HAVING TO PICK UP THE SLACK AND DO EVERYTHING MY FUCKING SELF BC NO ONE CAN COME TO WORK, DO THEIR JOB AND GO HOME.

can i just make a point too that we make $12 an hour here. sometimes we are LITERALLY SO BORED we have nothing to do. we can read books or watch netflix if no one is around or i even have time to rp at times. so like THIS IS THE EASIEST JOB IN THE WORLD A FUCKING MONKEY could do it.

all you do is answer phones and transfer calls or send an email

its LITERALLY. THAT. FUCKING. SIMPLE????

so like i just dont get it

but back to the point... carla is arguing with me, basically saying my communication sucks, i’m unprofessional (which is laughable but ok) etc...

and i just cant hold it in anymore?? and i’m like well carla, i’m sorry you feel that way and i understand where you’re coming from but i don’t appreciate that you were disrespectful yesterday, you told (new girl) that you were pissed off about what happened and proceeded to talk about me in a really unsatisfactory way.

and she WANTED TO TRY AND SAY THAT THIS WAS A DEFAMATION TO HER CHARACTER. WHEN SHE FUCKING SAID IT!!!!!!!!!!! i mean you can’t but if you were to ask anyone i know i have freakishly good hearing and it gets on my family’s nerves all the time bc i need quiet when writing and i have to beg them to turn their tvs down low just so i can concentrate.

I FUcKIng HEARD THESE EXACT WORDS COME OUT OF HER MOUTH!!!! and she wants to sit here and say that i’m defaming her character.

NO BITCH. Im repeating what I fucking heard you say!!!

why would i make that up? why??? how does that benefit me in any way??? what does that do for me???? NOTHING! ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!! i’m not benefitting from anything here.

in addition when talking to her on the phone i bring up the fact that she brought the schedule to me (the correct one which SHE IS ON) and asked me to verify if it was correct. but then proceeds to say in the same breath (contradicting herself) that she’s going off the old one????? like okay????? but you’re wrong?? SHE EVEN SAYS ITS AN OVERSIGHT ON HER CHARACTER, SHE ALREADY MADE PLANS YADDY YADA, SHE CANT COME IN TODAY

moral of the story is... she’s dumb. she’s a fucking cunt. and i hate people who try to spin things and victim blame and tell you you’re defaming their character when you call them out on something real they actually said because they’re scared little pussies and can’t just admit its what they fucking said.

yo i’d have a lot more respect for you if you just admit it. i’m not even mad??? i dont give a fuck what you think or feel about me. when i leave here every day i dont come home and cry about work or how people feel about me there.

work me is different from real me. I. DO. NOT. FUCKING. CARE. work people do not know me on a real level only a professional one. i am here to do a job, to make money, to pay bills, to LIVE. i am not here to fret over the opinions of people who do not follow me home, who do not know the real me. WHO. DO. NOT. FUCKING. MATTER.

POINT FUCKING BLANK.

THANK YOU AND GOODBYE

like seriously?? GOD FUCK! i’m so angry.

if you read all of this, like thanks for letting me vent to a total stranger lmao you’re a real one, may you be blessed today and always.

onto that note... i gotta get back to work. (lmfao fucking irony at its finest)

[inkytsuki]

Genuinely i am actually losing it and I apologize to my buddies if I've seemed super absent and withdrawn lately

My health is really really not great and I'm having to come to terms with a lot of stuff that I really shouldn't have to at 26, and there's currently a lot of fear of the unknown. I'm in near constant pain, I can't walk like I used to, and I've begun getting winded and having fainting spells after only a few minutes on my feet. There's a lot going wrong, and my surgery I had in April severely exacerbated a lot of problems.

I don't even know where to start and I have had consistent trouble finding doctors who will listen, and this is where I've ended up now. Chronic pain and fatigue, malaise, weakness, joint pain, muscle spasms, difficulty walking and holding myself upright, light-headedness, nearly dying from malnutrition and having to discover I have pernicious anemia (still no diagnosis I have to get a doctor, but I found out my grandmother has it too) and have had it for my entire life on my own while doctors told me I wasn't at an unhealthy weight when I telling them I'd lost the ability to eat for a year. It didn't get better until I started taking b12 because I was developing jaundice and it was a last ditch effort before I went to the emergency room for help.

I've had to do research on my own to connect dots to my own conditions to try to find reasonable options for my state at the moment, reading medical papers as they are published...and there are so many things that are connected that make complete sense. I think the majority of my problems are pernicious anemia and potentially secondary adrenal failure due to my pseudotumor cerebri (which guess what guys.....it's been correlated to pernicious anemia. Particularly in infants. And guess who was born with the condition and has a grandmother diagnosed with pernicious anemia and a mother who has struggled with b12 in the past :) ) having put pressure on my pituitary gland for so long.

Along with sciatica, which could be due to the pressure in my spinal column, b12 deficiency causes nerve damage and though I've been taking it daily for the last 3 months, it can take 2 whole years before your deficiency is in good standing (and it can be silent for 20 years before you show symptoms. And 20 years old is when i started getting sicker and sicker.) I don't know how much of this will be permanent. And I'm so tired all the time, and the financial aspect stresses me out so much. And literally everything I keep getting diagnosed with is easily exacerbated by stress.

And disability is impossible for me to get on. We have insurance but the premiums are ridiculous and I'm just too fucking sick for it to be helpful.

I feel like ass and Im honestly just. Ashamed of where I'm at and what I'm going through, even though I know I shouldn't be. I feel weak and I feel like this is all my fault for being so consumed with anxiety until my adhd was treated. But genuinely, so much of this was undetected bc the symptoms can mimic adhd and other mental illness.

But I do know my slurring speech will probably never get better. It's been an issue for a long time now, and though Adderall improves my stutter a lot, it isn't cured and my slurring has shown no improvement.

I'm just exhausted. I'm tired of fighting for people in care professions to listen to what I'm saying. I'm tired of doctors seeing abnormalities on my chart and saying "it's probably fine. You're young" and then looking at my own charts from the last 13 years and seeing the same problems show up in my blood work time after time.

And having the cleft lift surgery only to find out months later from doing research that it's possible that I will have pain in that area for the rest of my life now, especially if I already have chronic pain and no one warning me. I needed the surgery. But I wish I'd known.

I'm just exhausted. Genuinely. And it's nothing personal to anyone. I don't even have the energy for myself at the moment. I just want to sleep all the time. Even when I'm awake, I spend the entire day trying to keep myself from thinking on all of this. And then I have people in my family who keep thinking they know my body and my pain better than me, telling me that my pain isn't that bad and that I'm okay.

But when I explained to my father I was showing signs of P.A. and S.A.I. he panicked. And said it made sense. After downplaying everything time and time again. And while im glad for the support, why didn't you show that same concern when I first told you I had started using the cane to help me stay balanced get around and that I needed a shower chair now because I kept collapsing in the shower due to exhaustion? Why was your first instinct to tell me I was overreacting? Being melodramatic? A hypochondriac?

Why do I have to actively show signs of serious, life-threatening illness before I'm shown compassion and care? Why can't you just believe me when I say I'm in pain? Why can't you understand that my agoraphobia is due to not wanting to answer questions about why I don't come out anymore and why I can't do certain things? To hating the way that people stare when I go to the grocery store and I'm out of breath after 5 minutes and having to take a break just to breathe?

I told Sam earlier I feel like everything is a performance and I'm being judged on it constantly. And there is no way to ever please the audience. And I'm done. I don't care anymore.

[bokunoimaginesacedamia]

Prompt: YUSSSS I AM HERE FOR MY AIZAWA pls do a scenario in which young!aizawa is taking his absolutely clueless-idk-what-dating-is-what-does-it-eat possibly future s/o on a date under some sort of pretext. And is like super cute bc is under the stars and they/she is cold and he like warm them and yusss k i s s ilu so much keep it up boo            

Request: Stargazing Anon

Notes: I call this scenario ‘how many different ways can i refer to stars in one go’ plz enjoy ((also thank you nonnie im lobe also and i will!))

It was supposed to be a study session - at least, that’s what Aizawa had told them. But, sitting here now in the cab of the rusted out pickup the sleepy black-haired teen had borrowed for the occasion, arms pressed together from the smallness of the cab and nature surrounding the due with beauty unseen within city limits, studying was the last thing on their minds.

In complete honesty, studying had been the last thing on Aizawa’s mind from the start. When he’d called s/o up, asking if they’d help him study for their upcoming midterm, he had simply been using the most logical excuse he could think of. S/o was the oblivious type and Aizawa knew that if he had simply asked s/o to go out with him they’d not understanding the meaning. If he wanted to make his feelings known he’d need to show them.

Renting a pickup he insisted belonged to a relative, lest S/o know he’d put as much effort and thought into the situation as he had, Aizawa had driven them outside of the city, luring s/o with the claim that it was simply easier for him to focus without all of the constant, bustling noise of the city. Innocent and honest, S/o had believed their dark haired friend without question - bless them. It amazed and terrified Aizawa all at once to know that S/o was so naive, so gullible and trusting; more than anything though, it endeared him. He couldn’t for the life of him understand why - something that had bothered him for a long time. It was something he’d come to accept, though. Feelings were, perhaps, not always something to be understood as much as accepted.

“Ohh! Shouta, look at that star! It’s so pretty.” With dreamy eyes and a soft smile that made Aizawa’s heart-rate skyrocket S/o shifted so as to bump against his solid arm, drawing the boy’s attention from his thoughts and directing it skyward. The sky above them was a blanket of black, an empty face dappled with freckled stars, twinkling and shining farther than the eye could see. It was a sight neither of the teens got to see often, the city lights often jealousy blocking out the stars own glow.

“Mm.” Aizawa’s response was simple, short, but his thoughts were anything but. As beautiful as the sky was, alight with life in the form of twinkling light, the black haired boy couldn’t help but still fixate on S/o. No matter how beautiful the sight before him, they somehow managed to be more captivating to him. The thought was cheesy, and Aizawa found his lips pursing subtly. He never imagined anyone would have him thinking such silly things, pining as hard as he was. But yet there S/o was, with his entire being wrapped around their finger as the scarf around Aizawa’s neck - constantly, with complete control. Yet S/o had no idea what they did to him.

The longer the night went on the more sure Aizawa grew of his feelings. His love for S/o had never been clearer to him than they had been on that night and still, he had no idea how to make it clear to them. A simple confession wouldn’t do - Aizawa was terrified that even a blatant ‘I love you’ may not get through to S/o. If they responded in kind, only to mean it completely platonically, Aizawa wasn’t sure he’d be able to recover.

As if the stars themselves listening in, eavesdropping on his thoughts and pitying the poor teenager, the universe did Aizawa a kindness soon after. A doorway, a light at the end of the tunnel, opened and suddenly Aizawa had his chance.

Being as close as they were Aizawa could feel it when S/o began to shiver. Their smiling face and continued admiration of the dappled sky above them made it clear that they were pretending not to be cold, but their body language showed made it even clearer that they were starting to freeze. With their knees pulled to their chest and hands buried between them, jaw clenched to keep from shaking, their state was obvious.

“You should have dressed warmer.” Harsh as he sounded Aizawa’s words were those of concern. It had been warmer during the day, sure, but here outside of the city, late enough into the night for the sun to have faded, it was much colder. Blame S/o as he might, though Aizawa couldn’t help but feel a bit guilty; the fact that he was seeing an opportunity in this made him feel even worse.

“Here.” Removing his sweater, a simple black pullover hoodie that hid a shirt just as dark, Aizawa pushed the article onto S/o. Without leaving room for argument and completely ignoring any protest he pulled the sweater over S/o’s head, pulling it straight at the waist. The pale boy couldn’t help a hard gulp at the sight of them in his clothing. They looked… cuter than he’d anticipated.

Pausing for a moment, collecting his courage and subduing his panic, Aizawa leaned a little closer, throwing an arm around S/o’s shoulders and pulling them to his side. It was a bold move, he thought, but someone like S/o called for such action. He was more than willing to pull away if S/o wanted him to, arm around them loose despite how taut the nervously flexed muscle was.

“Sharing body heat is the best way to keep warm. It’s only logical.” Stairing straight ahead, all of his courage used up with none remaining to allow him to meet S/o’s eyes Aizawa desperately hoped that they couldn’t see the blush on his face. That… hadn’t been what he’d wanted to say. But confessing to them right then, with them so close and his heartbeat so loud in his ears felt almost impossible.

“Y-- um, you’re really warm.” S/o sounded shy? Uncomfortable? He hoped it wasn’t the latter. Though, they hadn’t made any move to pull away - something he was thankful for.

“It’s kinda nice.” Aizawa could feel their eyes on him, staring up from where their head pressed to his shoulder. He risked a glance down and regretted it immediately, turning his head away with a soft grunt. God they looked so good up close--

The next few moments passed in a silence that, for Aizawa, was simultaneously comfortable and so heart-pounding nerve wracking that he found it hard to breathe. Having S/o so close was nice in a way he couldn’t describe, though, and in that moment he wouldn’t have traded their touch for anything.

“Thanks for taking me out here Shouta.” S/o’s words came after what felt like a small, peaceful eternity, the smile in their voice making Aizawa’s shoulders relax a fraction. S/o was an open book to him; someone so innocent and sweet couldn’t hide much from eyes as insightful as his. They were being honest.

“Maybe we could do it again sometime…?” The request made Aizawa’s heartbeat spike again, the organ shooting into his throat. It was hard to tell what they meant by that. Were they speaking romantically? Platonically? Were they even sure themselves? It was a nerve wracking question, but still one Aizawa knew the answer to without hesitation.

“Of course.” Maybe next time he’d work up the nerve for a proper confession, too.

[serendiptious-esparza]

92 Truths

Thanks for the tag @detectivesmuttycarisi :)

Last...

Drink- One of the sparkling Izzie drinks at Starbucks

Phone Call- To my dad to pick me up from Barnes and Noble

Song you listened to-  Love on Top by Beyonce ( a bop)

Time you cried- last night!! so much fun!! 

Have You Ever ___?

Dated someone twice- When I was younger, I used to “date” this boy during the school year, and break up with over the summer. This happened multiple times.

Been cheated on- Nope, never had the opportunity to have that happen.

Kissed someone and regretted it- YUPP! spin the bottle only leads to regret and almost contracting mono.

Lost someone special- Sadly yes, I only have my grandparents on my mom’s side left.

Been Depressed- too many times, almost my constant state

Been drunk and thrown up- I’ve only had sips of achocol, I’m pure.

In The Past Year Have You...

Made a new friend- Yup all of my tumblr friends and I moved so all the people at my new school. 

Fallen out of love- Yupp, it’s an amazing thing when the feeling is not reciprocated.

Laughed until you cried- last night and this morning

Met someone that changed you- no, but I would like to meet the people who have changed me.

Found out who your true friends are- Definitely, out of sight, out of mind is a real thing. 

Found out someone was talking about you- Yah! apparently I gave like two boys and myself mono! fun times!

General

How many people on tumblr do you know in real life? - none, but I would love to meet them.

Do you have any pets?- Yes! i have a shizh zu named Chanel who doesnt really like me, but lowkey loves me. shes the cutest!

Do you want to change your name?- No, I’ve grown to love the unquieness of my name, even if no one can pronounce or spell it.

What time did you wake up this morning?- like 10ish am, which is surprising because I did not go to sleep until 4 am. 

What were you doing last night?- literally avoiding sleep, watching raul kill it in chitty chitty bang bang, and talking to my best friend about deep shit.

Name something you cannot wait for- Warmer weather, the criminal justice class I’m taking next year, and my trip to Washington DC, my happy place!

Have you ever talked to a person named Tom?- A boy named tommy was deeply in love with me in elementary school and everyone teased me about it. so yeah we talked a few times.

What’s getting on your nerves right now?- my own procasination. just finish writing already!

Blood Type- My mom tells me like once a year and I always forget.

Nickname- Raine, Rainy, Dora, A.G(Academic Gangta), Little Thing Thing, or just simply D!

Relationship status- mentally dating all of my favs

Zodiac- Sagitarius ( i think that’s how its spelled, too lazy to check)

Pronouns- she/her

Favorite Show- SVU or Criminal Minds owns my ass!

College- Hopefully Ivy League when I get there!

Hair color- dark brown, like basically black

Do you have a crush on someone?- no one that I know in real life, but all of my favs could get it!

What do you like about yourself?- my personality and that I can outwrite most of the people my age if I really wanted to. 

Firsts

Surgery- I have yet to have one, yayay

Piercing- when I was like one, I got my ears pierced but like waste of time because I despise earrrings.

Sport you joined- Dance, when I was two and then on and off after that, i did cheerleading once

Vacation- I’ve been to every themepark, museum,and childlike thing on the east coast, but I remember like half of them. The first one I remember is Disney World. Thanks Mom and Dad for the cool childhood, still fucked up somehow though!

Pair of sneaker- IDK! probably something cool because my mom is super into shoes. 

Right Now 

Eating- Nothing but im going to eat quinoa and boiled eggs later.

Drinking- Water like always

I’m about to - bother my father, my favorite pastime aside from ignoring all of my writing projects and responsiblitys!

Listening to- Sauce It Up by Lil Uzi Vert ( it helps me get hyped and focused because its just gibberish)

Want Kids?- like three

Get married?- If it happens then it just happens*shrug*

Career- Student but hopefully in the future a succesful prosecutor (just putting it in the atmosphere) 

Which Is Better? 

Lips or eyes- Eyes

Hugs or kisses- both 

Shorter or taller- taller

Romantic or spontaneous- romantic

Sensitive or loud- sensitive

Hook up or relationship- havent had either, but a relationship in theory

Troublemaker or hesitant- hesitant 

Have You Ever...

Kissed a stranger- yes

Drank hard liquor- nope

Lost contacts or glasses- yes like once for like two weeks, but like everyday I lose my glasses. it sucks

Sex on a first date- my virginity is screaming no

Broken someone’s heart- my own multiple times

Been arrested- nope, but if my state police stepdad sees me walking he talks to me over the walkie like im in trouble. 

Turned someone down- yeah, im desperate, but not that desperate

Fallen for a friend- yuppp, its fucked up

Do You Believe In ___?

Yourself- sometimes

Miracles- no

Love at first sight- nope

Heaven- no

Santa Claus- no, but my mom still likes to act like he bought me a bike this year

I tag @unleashthemidnight @ghostofachancewithyou @dan-is-snot-on-fiyah

[sakaisgf]

A Tag Game

Tagged by @jaywalkingmylifeaway yes im FINALLY getting to this and thank you~!!!

LAST TEXT SENT: “Did you guys get a late start again?” to my dad hehe.

LIST THREE FAVOURITE COLOURS: Black, gray, and blue. WHAT TIME DID YOU WAKE UP TODAY: I have no clue because my phone was dead. WHAT WERE YOU DOING LAST NIGHT AT MIDNIGHT: playing games. NAME SOMETHING YOU CAN’T WAIT FOR: The day I’m free of my high school.  WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAW YOUR MOTHER: About... two hours ago?

ONE THING YOU WISH YOU COULD CHANGE ABOUT YOUR LIFE: I wanna eat better and be happier. WHAT’S GETTING ON YOUR NERVES RN: Nothing at the moment... FAVORITE TV SHOWS: I haven’t watched tv in a while soo. FIRST BEST FRIEND: Juliet. I lost contact with her. LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW: I paused on ‘Interlude: Wings’ by BTS 3 FEARS: The dark, being alone, and death 4 TURN ON’S: a nice smile, pretty eyes, sense of humor, having a passion for something <-- same 4 TURN OFF’S: Arrogance, being judgemental, constant negativity, being an asshole/dick in general <-- truth. SEXUAL ORIENTATION: never thought about it. SENIOR YEAR QUOTE IN MY YEAR BOOK: Not a senior yet... but I;d probably  put “We’re free” or somethin FIRST THING I NOTICE IN A NEW PERSON: Their face and eyes (i feel so bad aghd) SHOE SIZE: ... I still fit in childrens’ EYE COLOR: Brown HAIR COLOR: Dark brown but it kinda looks black. FAVORITE ITEM OF CLOTHING: Don’t really have one because I have a boring af wardrobe thanks to my school. WHAT COLOR UNDERWEAR I’M WEARING RN: black ULTIMATE BIAS: Uh. Don’t have one. ULTIMATE BIAS GROUP: VIXX (If savi sees this pls dont yell at me (she’d say its DMTN which isnt a lie haha)) FAVORITE SEASON: Fall or Spring <-- saaame HOW MUCH TIME I SPENT ON DESIGNING MY BLOG: Can’t remember it was SO long ago... I gotta change it. THE REASON I JOINED TUMBLR: I wanted to see what it was like to have one. <--- same but also just because. DO I EVER GET “GOOD MORNING” OR “GOODNIGHT “ TEXTS: Nop #foreveralone (if im talking to my friend we say ‘night’ does that count?) WHEN DID I LAST HOLD HANDS?: Erm. I think last Friday.

HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE ME TO GET READY IN THE MORNING?: On a good day it takes me 20 minutes. If we’re talking about getting to school and stuff its like 30-45 minutes.

HAVE I SHAVED MY LEGS IN THE PAST THREE DAYS?: I don’t have to soo... WHERE AM I RIGHT NOW?: my bedroom <--- 

DO I LIKE MUSIC LOUD OR AT A REASONABLE LEVEL?: Define loud. my friends say that I have my music loud and I normally hear it at that level soo. 3 THINGS I LOVE: My friends, music, and food (im kidding about the last one. I really mean animals.) HOW I FEEL RIGHT NOW: tired <-- same SOMETHING I REALLY, REALLY WANT: Final Fantasy XV (no joke that game is hella prettyy)

3 THINGS THAT UPSET ME: Bossiness, ... I cant think of any others right now. WHAT I FIND ATTRACTIVE IN OTHER PEOPLE: Their smile, how well they treat their love ones, their fashion sense (also same…lol) <-- same. Also find it attractive when a guy smells super good (just me?) <-- no you arent alone,  3 HABITS I HAVE: cracking my knuckles, i dont know honestly.... SOMETHING I FANTASIZE ABOUT: being on stage with got7 playing a game.. (same). Meeting any of my bias and actually holding a conversation with them, hanging out with any of my bias…you know normal fangirl stuff lmao. <-- same. SOMETHING I’M TALENTED AT: Dancing THE BLOG I GIVE THE MOST NOTES TO: I have no clue... THE LAST PERSON THAT RE-BLOGGED SOMETHING FROM ME: I’ve been gone too long and the person who did doesn’t really use tumblr anymore sooo DO I SMOKE/DRINK?: no. MY FAVORITE FOOD: Mac n Cheese, Pasta, Cheeseburgers, Ramen, I just like food okay? MY FAVORITE DESSERT: Ice cream, mochi ice cream, shakes (does this count) (limited because I can’t really handle a lot of sweets at once), anything with ice cream. WHAT I DID YESTERDAY: Typed a 5 par. essay that was due wednesday, did nothing in class, I went to dance where we added on more stuff to our recital dance.... and I slept. Oh I also added more songs to my phone heheee NUMBER OF KIDS I WANT: No clue. NUMBER OF SIBLINGS I HAVE: I don’t know if I have any biological siblings. SOMETHING THAT’S CONSTANTLY ON MY MIND: How to survive school, scenarios, my friends. LAST PERSON I MESSAGED ON TUMBLR: A person I don’t wanna tag. CAN I DRIVE: yaas WHAT STATE OR PART OF THE WORLD DO I LIVE IN?: America <-- specifically a desert. AM I IN SCHOOL? yep, junior in high school/duel enrollment student in college. DO I GET GROSSED OUT EASILY? It depends. SOMEWHERE I WOULD LIKE TO VISIT FOR A WEEK: South Korea, Japan, other states in America, Europe in general. If I could I would travel to a lot of places. <-- same. I just wanna travel the world guys. I’LL LOVE YOU IF…: you’re there for me, you don’t push things onto me, you give me space when I need it. LAST SHOW I BINGE-WATCHED: Uh. KNK TV. I’m thinking about binge-watching Shopping King Louis over break tho....

WHAT WORDS UPSET ME THE MOST: I don’t really know................ WHAT WORDS MAKE ME FEEL THE BEST ABOUT MYSELF: “you’re pretty” “you’re a great friend” “thanks for being there for me” “I love you” <--- THIS. A WISH THAT I’VE WISHED FOR REPEATEDLY ON 11:11: This is a thing? Never knew. WHO I WOULD SWITCH LIVES WITH FOR A DAY: got7′s stylist noonas <— girl me too, I didn’t even think about this but yas lol <--- tbh thooo.

MY FAVORITE ICE CREAM: Mint and vanilla. ALLERGIES: None that I know of. SEXIEST PERSON TO COME TO MY MIND IMMEDIATELY: All of my biases. MY CHILDHOOD CAREER CHOICE: A dancer. ONE OF MY INSECURITIES: My body. HOW MANY BLOGS AM I FOLLOWING: 147

HOW MANY TABS/DIFFERENT WINDOWS DO I HAVE OPEN AT THIS VERY MOMENT: 11 ._. COKE OR PEPSI?: I don’t like either of em....... TEA OR COFFEE?: Tea. Coffee is poison. MOVIE OR BOOK?: Book. A SENSE I WOULD BE WILLING TO LOSE: Speech <-- same. QUOTE I LIVE BY: “Don’t give attention to what people say about you. They probably want a quality that you have.” TYPE OF ACCESSORY I WEAR THE MOST: Nothing right now.... I love bracelets tho! LAST AWKWARD SITUATION I FOUND MYSELF IN: Can’t remember WHAT TIME IS IT RIGHT NOW: 10:11PM A SONG THAT’S MADE ME CRY: The song translates to ‘How Much Love Do You Have In Your Wallet’ by Park Yoochun from JYJ  FIRST SONG I EVER SUNG AT KARAOKE: Never done karaoke.

I won’t be tagging anyone. As always feel free to do this!

[shyrose57]

Brothers anon and it is extremely good. The game has it owns pokemon, own sprites and cries (mostly own cries), own region and story. Its also difficult but I can't tell if its because it's just difficult or because my refusal to change my team in the slightest is really shining through. It also has its own built in nuzlocke and randomizer (though you need to beat the championship to unlock the randomizer). It's very fun and I recommend it. Only thing I dislike is the fact the exp. share can only be given to one pokemon and not to the whole party. 

14: He knows it because in the beginning of him chasing and hunting Ran, Ran refuses to speak English and spoke exclusively Enderian and used the fact that Raq didn't know it to his advantage. So to get rid of that advantage, Raq spent time learning it. He's not very aware of what's happening, as he is out of it the entire time, but when he can tell whats happening, he often sees people leering at him or in his face poking and examining him like he's a exhibit. Ran is almost in the same state as his brother, but unlike Ranbob, Ran manages to stay lucid enough to be able to get himself and his brother out of the camp. But once their safe Ran quickly declines and soon is in the same state as Ranbob. Because they both got far enough away to be safe nothing else bad happens, though their groups do panic when they can't find the brothers. When the groups finally find the two their beyond relieved, though quickly alarmed when neither are super responsive. But after a quick look over decide they can't really do anything as the posion is the kind that isn't harmful but is ment for subduing, so they stand by and wait for them to wake up so it can be shared whats going on. 

They hug while somewhat more lucid and recovering from the type of posion the arrows where laced with. And Ran does admit that he was worried and how he believes that he's finally ready to start forgiving him and working with him to fix their relationship. 

---------------

THATS EXACTLY WHAT HE DOES! And after the brothers make up Ran makes sure to call him stupid (teasingly) whenever he walks into water. I just imagine Ranboo and Tubbo get into a fight and Ranboo stares at him as he walks back into water while Tubbo looks on in horror. 

They plan to hide in a hole small enough that Phil can't get into when they push him into the lake.

Phil. He just kinda sighed with his head in his hands, and suggested that god hated them with a defeated voice. And everyone quickly agrees and even when the others heard of the theory they all agreed god hates them. 

Yes, when the tension between the enderman hybrids finally goes away, they all act like siblings with Ranbob acting as the big brother and keeping peace as Ran and Ranboo cause chaos and have stupid competitions. And Watson, Phil, and Benjamin get to bond over being the father of their friend groups. 

Tommy and Wilbur are like brothers to Techno, even though they really get on his nerves, he'd do anything to make sure their safe and doing well. And anyone who attacks the two are sure to get a visit from a pissed off Piglin. Techno isn't super close to Fundy, but since Fundy is Wilburs son he feels like he has to protect him when needed. And Ranboo is Technos mentee/student relationship. Also Techno just has a fondness for Ranboo. 

It definitely takes a while. Because they need to first figure out how they got there, then have a soild idea of how to get back, then find a way to get back, and find a version that looks promising, then just pray it holds. 

Tubbo just stared at him, pointed at him and said hypocrite. Phil said that he's encouraging the right things but he needs to follow his advice himself. Techno snorted and said he can give that advice once he follows it himself. And Karl and Sapnap didn't really react cause their not very used to spineless Ranboo and don't know how spineless he is. 

------------

Idk if im allowed to talk about it even though I don't have much. But, Karl is semi-aware if that makes sense. He remembers Ran being close and even grabbing his arm when his watch started to go off, and he remembers seeing Rans confused face before he got time traveled. But other than that he doesnt think Ran actually got pulled through. Ran doesnt escape because he's scared as he doesnt know where he is, he's hurt enough that in the start when he tries to stand up he'll end up falling over every single time, he's also curious though about the people he's found himself with. Techno: He feels threatened by Techno at first and often shows that by growling and basically hissing at him to try to get him to go away. Like how a hurt cat tries to make themselves look big to scare off a predator. Phil: Ran wants to trust him, he truly wants to trust him as Phil gives off a vibe of calmness and trust, but he's to scared and hesitant to attempt to trust him. Ranboo: I'm honestly not sure how to describe this. He knows Ranboo is another enderman hybrid and he knows he's intruding on this endermans haunting, but it seems like Ranboo doesn't mind which really confuses him. Actually Ranboo tries to talk with him and help him which just confuses him more. Steve: He avoids Steve because he's a big and dangerous looking polar bear but secretly really really wants to pet him. Edward helps because he's a elder enderman, and elders are highly respected and idolized almost in enderman culture and give a constant feel of safety and comfort, so Ran gives in to his instinct and listens to and takes comfort in Edward's presence, and starts to quickly grow to trust him more than anyone else. Which opens up a bit more treatment options. Im not sure, maybe 3 enderman are a crowd?

Oh, nice! Who's your starter?

Imagine learning another language because your enemy kept making fun of you in it, couldn't be me.

Sounds like a terrible time for them both. How did Ran manage to get them both out? Adrenaline? Enderman genes?

And hey! We finally see them mending, heck yeah!

I mean. I'd say that's not smart, but let's be honest here, I'd do the exact same thing. It's the principle of the matter, really.

A grand plan indeed. How does it work out for them?

Well. Are they wrong? There's at least one god out there that hates them, if we take XD for example.

I bet that's a sight to see. How does everyone first react when Ranboo unleashes his inner chaos lord?

Really then? Well, how does he feel about Tubbo?

It's certainly worth a shot. What's the first thing they try?

Not used to spineless Ranboo? Do they just always meet him when he miraculously grows one?

__________

You don't have to talk about it f you don't want, it's perfectly fine. But I'm always happy to see the cool ideas you've got.

I'll refrain from asking more about this au til I know where you stand on that, okay?

By the way, shout out received, Brothers Anon. Can't wait to see where you go with that.