#im in a mood & i hate having any sort of emotion so i self medicate with hyperfocusing on fictional characters

[irlkanamedate]

The current state of my mental health.

Gonna be real honest right off the bat. Its bad. You guys know its been bad but I mean its real bad right now.

Im a mess and it won't make any real sense i dont think so read or not, its under a cut.

[Suicidal, eating disorder, just in general bad shit I guess]

Its been months of feeling worse and worse and feeling utterly hopeless and lost. Months of constant bullshit from either my brain, my living situation, my fucking financial situation, or whatever else decides to come by and ruin what I thought was things getting better.

I find myself once again falling back into the delusional spiral because I'm having a harder and harder time regulating my emotions and mental state and if I had ever been mean or snippy or just awful to you guys, I am genuinely sorry. I dont even remember a lot of this shit I did cause my visual timeline of things have been cut so much due to just being in this black fog of self loathing.

And maybe it is my own fault for self sabotaging and dipping from so many things. Ruining friendships and all idk. Hell i can't even bring myself to actually talk to a lot of you guys cause im just so... fucking lost.

Constantly torn between multiple different sorts of realities in my brain and being too much in a constant bad mood to feel comfortable engaging or I might say something bad or be snippy so I just run away from it again and again.

I am just some kind of burden to you guys in my own mind. Some kinda burden to my own family. Just some hopeless directionless corpse that genuinely feels like I have made no real impact to anyone. And it isnt any of your faults. I know this isn't really... true. But its such an active hard struggle to fight against this pure delusional thought that I get so tired.

I get so tired trying to just... remind myself over and over. And then my brain fight back going like "if it isnt true then why are you the only one saying it? Where is your proof?" Or pulling some other bullshit move to make me believe this false reality.

Im so tired guys. But I hate being a burden. You guys say I'm not some times but I can't stop feeling like one.

Im not saying this or ever do anything to make you guys shower me in affection and love. I never want to manipulate that sort of thing. I never intend to. But sometimes I think I do it subconsciously cause im just fucking blinded by so much shit.

I cant help but think how much I might actually be a horrible person.

Especially when I want to be mad. I want to get angry. I want to lash out. But I know its often unreasonable. But fuck when I try to be reasonable and hold back and try to be mature I still get a fucking shit result.

I dont know what to do.

I feel like everything is always and has always been my fault. My fault always my fucking fault. It's my fault I can't make decisions. My fault im a people pleaser. My fault I got assaulted. My fault I am poor.

I stopped eating cause I believed it could help my mom if she didn't have to feed mr along with that fucking bastard but here I am spending money on non essentials cause it made me happy.

But nothing really makes me happy in the end does it?

Im still here. Shit living situation, poor as shit, unable to hold a job due to multiple reasons. Unable to get proper medical care. Unable to truely be the fucking man I want to be. Unable to express anything properly and truely.

Im suicidal as shit. I made promises to many people I wont do it. And I still won't. But because guilt is whats keeping me here really.

I do love all my friends so much. I appriciate so much of what you guys do for me. And im so angry and upset I can't always see that cause my brain is so hell bent on killing me.

So I just feel guilty all the time. That I still feel like fucking shit even though I get love and care. I feel guilty for asking for things. Feel guilty for taking up space, for needing things, for just being alive but also feeling guilty for wanting to die all the time now. But I can't kill myself cause I feel guilty for breaking promises and making people sad. But I feel guilty for expressing just how bad I am cause that makes people sad.

Im stuck here by guilt and I dont know how to change that so I just feel worse and worse and worse. I cant eat but I try to eat a little so I dont make people feel too bad but I hate eating.

I dont know. I just dont know anymore.

I cant see any real future for me. I just can't.

And so im just... stuck here. Just existing day by day. Silently hoping one day I just never wake up again. Cause then I didnt make that choice. Something or someone else did for me. And I wont have to feel that guilty. Or something. Or at all cause I wasn't really awake. I dont know.

Im sorry. I'm just not ok. And this isnt even all of it i dont think but im just... so tired.

I am so tired guys.

[kanyniablue]

headcanons for hws russia

long post, kinda depressing, bring snacks

-miss me with chubby-cute uwu woobie!twink!russia, dude’s built like an old-timey strongman.  just a solid wall of muscle & fat that looks like he could win a fistfight with a tank.  you look at him and go “that is a man who i would know is in the room instinctively”

-but you don’t.  he’s so frickin quiet & light on his feet.  you never know he’s there until he startles you or you get that tingling creeping feeling of something watching you and he’s RIGHT behind you

-he knows this.  he likes this.

-the way he talks either irritates people or makes them want to laugh; he’s so huge and gives off such an intimidating vibe but he talks like a mumbly old grandma, barely loud enough to hear and everything is -yusha and -yushenka and so saccharine sweet it makes you gag

-he’s mocking you with it

-despite the cutesy-ness he’s super blunt and will tell you to your face what he thinks about you, and not in flattering terms, but still dressed up in what should be terms of affection.  it’s kind of upsetting

-about the only time he talks honestly is when he’s too drunk to keep up the facade which isn’t easy to get to, he’s got to be a special sort of depressed and also have enough vodka, which also isn’t easy to get.  he’s still mumbly but it’s much more “god i hate this i hate you i hate myself fuck”

-that sappy little smile he does is only for the westerners during their meetings

-he’s mocking them with it

-the people at home know his face better with just absolutely no emotion, like he’s already decided you’re not worth his time.  the sweetie babushka voice with the cold dead eyes is not an endearing look

-the only thing he really fears, and the only people he ever shows respect for, are the people who have power over him.  he wasn’t like that as a child but after long enough, everything had been beaten out of him except “don’t fuck up when the boss gives you orders.”  he hates anyone having power over him & does everything to make sure there’s only a few people who do, but he also sees it as the natural order of the world--predators eat prey, big countries rule smaller countries, strong people rule weak people, bosses rule Nations.  he overthrew his czar and was communist and they were all supposed to be equal and it still turned out like that, so it must be true.

-he was never the kind to just roll over and accept someone else as leader if they couldn’t prove themselves, he was always pretty self-sufficient and able to survive in a harsh environment.  but as a child he was a lot more friendly and open--even if he also had such poor social skills that it usually came across as creepy.  nowadays he’s so dissociated from that part of himself he couldn’t tell you if he really felt lonely or any sort of sympathy at all.

-he is actually super lonely, it’s just not in a way he can think about.  he’s got this drive to be around people, wants to keep them near him, but doesn’t connect it to the idea he wants companionship (not a euphemism).  and because he doesn’t feel positive emotions or respect for others and thinks in terms of strong-controlling-weak, he instead tries to force people to stay with him and punish them for disobeying him.  he likes to live in close proximity to his neighboring Nations or to visit often, whether he’s welcome or not.

-he doesn’t generally get along well with humans.  with his bosses, he defers to them and then tries mostly to stay out of their way.  with his citizens nowadays he might share a drink or a cigarette but he doesn’t stick around or try to get to know them personally; he claims it’s because he doesn’t care about short-lived little humans but it’s at least partially because he can’t relate to human lives and wants and fears and dreams and he finds it easier to avoid them than to think about it.  with most other countries’ citizens he feels like they have nothing in common so he doesn’t bother.  he’s usually spending time with former eastern block Nations and has a bad habit of falling back into the same patterns of behavior he had back then.

-when he does get attached to someone, human (mostly in the past) or Nation, it’s an overattachment. he can’t leave them alone because they’re all he thinks about and the focus of all the emotions that well up when he’s finally found a ~friend~ and he’ll usually end up scaring them away with how intense and obsessive he is, which to him just proves that he shouldn’t get attached in the first place.

-he’s vaguely aware that he’s doing it “wrong” but doesn’t know how to fix it.  with humans he eventually just decided it’s not worth trying to have a good relationship, they just die in a few years anyway.  with Nations he generally feels like ‘if you think i’m the bad guy, fine then, i’m the bad guy’ and either becomes overbearing and manipulative to keep them with him or throws them out before they can reject him.

-he’s got a way of thinking that isn’t stupid but is so straightforward it misses a lot.  if you can build him a jet engine in 5 hours, then if he makes you work 100 hours straight, you should’ve built him 20 perfect jet engines.  on the one hand, it cuts through a lot of bullshit (”we need to stop this tank.”  “but we have no antitank guns!”  “then we will hit it with what we do have.”)  on the other hand he’s not good at understanding nuance or fixing something that’s not exactly broken but could be a lot better.

-he’s not all big-picture, though--actually he can get lost in details.  it’s a control thing, partially.  if he knows exactly what he’s got and what you’ve got and where you are and what you’re doing and saying and thinking, he won’t be surprised by what comes next (or, so he hopes. somehow things always get worse).

-partially, though, and not a small part, it’s what’s left of the person he was originally, that he would’ve been with a different history.  he used to love studying snowflakes and constellations, painting the delicate designs you see on matryoshkas and folk art like lace or flowers or geometric patterns, even computer coding--especially when it took hours & a whole room of processors to run something simple, he loved creating the most complex and exact programs just as a way to test his skills (aka for fun, but don’t call it that in soviet russia).  all the stuff that to an untrained eye either looks like a mess or is so fiddly you wouldn’t know where to start.  he loves when a thousand tiny pieces all come together into a perfect unified whole.  it got trained into him over the centuries that anything enjoyable is a waste of time though, so he rarely bothers anymore unless he’s got another reason for it.

-he’s blunt and bad at nuance but he does have a sense of humor.  it’s just not usually a nice one.  he likes tricking people, making them mad while he stands there calmly--especially if it makes them do something stupid, saying things that go back and forth between being threatening and “why are you so scared? i just meant (something innocent)” especially with really dark jokes that don’t sound like jokes so much as what he plans to do to his enemies, basically anything that puts him in control of the situation.

-if the joke backfires on him you can bet the people around him get out of his way real quick; he’s not someone you can safely laugh at whether he deserves it or not

-sometimes he laughs at really stupid so-unfunny-it’s-funny jokes, nerd humor, cat memes and bad puns but he’ll never admit it

-he’s good at getting by on almost nothing, to the point where he almost enjoys it.  his car isn’t one car, it’s a frankenstein’s monster of half a dozen different cars’ parts patched together into a moving vehicle.  he can survive on sunflower seeds, vodka, cigarettes and spite, and the first three of those are really only creature comforts.  he once stayed awake for a solid month to keep working and he says that like it’s something to brag about.  it’s control, again--if you can’t make his life any worse by taking away what he’s got, you don’t control him.  he’s got nothing and his life can’t get any worse.  he wins.

-basically he needs therapy but he’ll never get therapy

[crouchcs-blog]

✧*:･ﾟ✧  merlin! is that DOUGLAS BOOTH? no, it’s just BARTEMIUS CROUCH JR the SEVENTH YEAR RAVENCLAW ( PUREBLOOD ). we’ve heard rumors that HE ( CISMALE ) is REFINED, GLIB & PERSONABLE but can also be very MERCURIAL, ANTAGONISTIC & MANIPULATIVE. if i had to pick one song to describe HIM it would be I WANNA BE ADORED BY THE STONE ROSES. Good luck with the rest of your time at Hogwarts.   ( M, SHE/HER, 22, GMT )

just to get this out of the way he is the fucking worst. please be aware that i’m aware of this. i hate him!!!

typical blue-blooded rich kid with a family history of having their fingers in every political pie. spoilt, easily bored, charming. just a complete and utter insufferable toff. 

has pathetic man-boy angst pain because his daddy never spent enough time with him or gave him enough attention because he was always at the ministry. wants to make more power for the family and thinks his father’s ruthlessness could be put to better use elsewhere. a total mummy’s boy. 

had the most sought after governess in europe when he was younger, socialised at many pureblood and ministry functions so has impeccable manners if need be. didn’t learn his charm and charisma from his father who has people’s respect solely through being stern and notoriously severe. his mum dotes on him because he’s such a little gentleman.

absolutely hero worships tom. wouldn’t ever say it aloud but he quietly tries to emulate him as much as possible. its as sad as it sounds. thinks he’s a visionary but only in the methods he uses to gain power.

sports the golden pocketwatch that pairs with his father’s. 

awfully manipulative, sort of like a wolf picking off the lame sheep of a herd he picks up misfits or people who are struggling and instils confidence in them, tutors them, befriends them or does whatever they need to get their loyalty. will tell five different people the exact same thing about them being his most trusted and closest confidante to reassure them. 

doesn’t particularly believe in any sort of blood disparity just is along for the power grab and the ride. wants to be on what is clearly the winning side. will spew dogma at the drop of a hat in meetings though.

( blood, alcohol, substance abuse, violence tw ) feels like he’s a suffering misunderstood intellectual, has harrowing mood swings that he rarely controls in private. self-medicates with anything he can get his hands on. may have been part of a tip to the prophet about dumbledore’s awful influence. the poor boy taken advantage of by an authority figure and from such a promising family how awful. cue pictures of crackhead crouch™ . 

can be funny and clever, genuinely, however he’s just not a good person who only betters himself for his own benefit and certainly not in healthy ways. hedonistic and self-centred, always. 

is a prefect, in the orchestra (plays the violin), duelling and slug club.

excellent grades and an exceptionally intelligent and talented individual. i mean the motherfucker in the og timeline tampered with the triwizard cup then turned it into a portkey and planted all the clues that drove the plot of the goblet of fire after being in prison for years and then his dad’s pet under imperius with no free will. at least ten years with no opportunity to learn or research.

is one of those pseudo intellectual boys who read fight club and completely misinterpret the message and thinks nihilism is a Hot Take.

I DON’T HAVE TO SELL MY SOUL, HE’S ALREADY IN ME. I WANNA BE ADORED. you adore me.

so essentially barty was desperate for attention from the get go, he just wanted to connect with people when he was younger and chased that for years but now he wants to be adored so he can take advantage of people. he no longer feels as if he has an emotional need for it. 

swirling a glass of wine to scent the bouquet, galleons raining out of the palm of your hand, the throbbing pain of a hangover-comedown while curled in expensive sheets, the satisfaction of shattering a ming vase that has been around twenty times longer than you have been alive, a laugh that sends shivers down other spines, the waft of expensive aftershave left behind when someone walks by, a shirt buttoned to the throat fastened with a silken tie, the freshly-stung nerves up and down your arm from the first time you cast the cruciatus curse, the shift of the most fashionable dress robes against the floor of the ministry, muttering to yourself by candlelight.

if you wanna plot feel free to message me, i imagine alot of the IMs will  prob be ‘haha ym character would want to fucking deck him’ which is fair bc i do too xsjfkdsfs